1
00:00:02,607 --> 00:00:05,075
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,087 --> 00:00:08,806
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,407 --> 00:00:12,365
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:15,845
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,447 --> 00:00:20,235
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:23,718
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,047 --> 00:00:27,323
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,967 --> 00:00:30,435
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:36,120
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
10
00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:41,519
(ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
11
00:01:41,807 --> 00:01:46,437
I'm sorry that I'm not here now,
but that's because I'm somewhere else.
12
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:50,005
I say, I'm somewhere else!
13
00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:55,958
But I expect you'll both be up here soon,
won't you, the pair of you?
14
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,080
So I'll see you then.
15
00:01:58,847 --> 00:01:59,836
Hello?
16
00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:01,599
(BEEPING)
17
00:02:02,807 --> 00:02:06,356
Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00
18
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:11,158
I'm just ringing to say that all being well,
we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00,
19
00:02:11,247 --> 00:02:13,477
but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye
20
00:02:28,527 --> 00:02:30,961
Any luck? How did it go?
21
00:02:31,207 --> 00:02:33,482
Yes, very well, surprisingly
22
00:02:34,047 --> 00:02:37,676
I see the Wild Man of Borneo's
had another good day in the garden
23
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:41,402
Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate
24
00:02:41,487 --> 00:02:45,639
Well, who got him in? Not me
There was no necessity for it in the first place
25
00:02:45,727 --> 00:02:49,163
There's every necessity with their bloody tree
next door sucking all the moisture
26
00:02:49,247 --> 00:02:52,478
out of our garden like an elephant's trunk
27
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,922
Get his roots chopped off on our side,
28
00:02:55,007 --> 00:02:57,840
we might be able to grow something
out there again
29
00:02:59,727 --> 00:03:02,400
He's charged me for one guppy too many here
30
00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,963
Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't
31
00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:08,277
So how did you get on at The Herald offices?
32
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,517
Did you get that job
on the packing-bench or what?
33
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,280
They're going to ring me up
and let me know tomorrow
34
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:16,120
They say I have to be sure to be in
between 9:00 and 1 :00
35
00:03:16,207 --> 00:03:18,801
Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it?
36
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:27,005
I hope you're going to have the decency
to take the dead ones out first this time
37
00:03:27,247 --> 00:03:30,762
Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer?
38
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:48,564
Good grief
39
00:03:49,327 --> 00:03:53,639
That's 1 2 7 of those things
you've managed to kill off now
40
00:03:54,727 --> 00:03:57,958
Never known anything like it since biblical times
41
00:03:58,327 --> 00:04:02,115
You flattened 1 2 in one go
when you dropped that rock in the tank
42
00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:06,919
It's just teething troubles, that's all
I think I know what I'm doing wrong now
43
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:11,804
Fish have a better life expectancy
in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing
44
00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:16,925
Oh, and can we please
not flush them down the toilet this time?
45
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,805
'Cause half the bloody things
come floating back up again
46
00:04:20,447 --> 00:04:21,596
Yes
47
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,163
Anyway, everything's under control now
48
00:04:42,247 --> 00:04:46,479
I've just got a few more adjustments to make
to this airflow and they'll be fine
49
00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:49,480
By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon
50
00:04:49,807 --> 00:04:52,560
She's beginning to get
the hang of that answering machine more now
51
00:04:52,647 --> 00:04:55,002
I don't really know why you got one
for her in the first place
52
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:56,839
You know she never goes far
53
00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:01,523
She might go a bit further if she stopped
growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame
54
00:05:02,087 --> 00:05:05,079
I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon
55
00:05:05,927 --> 00:05:07,883
Battier by the minute
56
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:12,483
Went over there the other week,
she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran
57
00:05:12,607 --> 00:05:14,245
Says it keeps her regular
58
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:17,683
Keeps her regular?
So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh
59
00:05:19,287 --> 00:05:22,359
I can hear them talking next door
Where's that glass?
60
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:25,684
God spare us Here we go again
61
00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:30,997
They're talking about us I just caught the words
''arsehole think he's playing at''
62
00:05:34,127 --> 00:05:36,846
It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening?
63
00:05:41,047 --> 00:05:42,844
Loopy as the day is long
64
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:47,164
That's five lots of them
he's brought home in the last week
65
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:50,364
Wouldn't be surprised
if he's eating them on Ritz crackers
66
00:05:50,447 --> 00:05:54,156
Am I going to get my spaghetti jar
back again tonight or what?
67
00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:58,965
Well, what with that and our friend
homo erectus out the back,
68
00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,163
you never know what you're going
to see there next
69
00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:03,522
-Homo erectus?
-Hmm
70
00:06:03,607 --> 00:06:06,963
I imagine he must live in a cave
quite nearby somewhere
71
00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:12,041
Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber
round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist
72
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,080
I'm not quite sure why
73
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,045
If you're talking about that workman next door,
74
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:20,118
I think he looks cute
75
00:06:21,327 --> 00:06:22,840
Cute?
76
00:06:22,927 --> 00:06:26,522
I've never seen so much hair growing down
someone's back in all my life
77
00:06:26,607 --> 00:06:29,440
He could blow-dry his bottom
every morning at that rate
78
00:06:30,847 --> 00:06:34,681
I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree,
there'll be all hell to pay
79
00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:37,766
Here you go Come on
80
00:06:40,287 --> 00:06:42,403
I wonder why he only eats cat food?
81
00:06:43,327 --> 00:06:46,683
Don't look at me He's your baby substitute
82
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:49,681
What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you
83
00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:53,043
Yes Of course you did
84
00:06:57,807 --> 00:07:00,685
(ON TV) Wonder what the weather's
gonna be like. Tania?
85
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:05,765
...sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be
some bright spells tonight.
86
00:07:07,087 --> 00:07:09,965
Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay?
87
00:07:10,047 --> 00:07:13,403
Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday
I had a slight problem with the dehydration
88
00:07:13,487 --> 00:07:16,320
Had to let it breathe overnight,
get some precipitation in your sub-soil
89
00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:17,999
And how is it this morning?
90
00:07:18,087 --> 00:07:20,806
Marvellous this morning Here, look
91
00:07:20,887 --> 00:07:23,720
Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself
92
00:07:30,407 --> 00:07:31,601
Yeah
93
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,998
Does feel a bit more supple than usual
94
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,078
You see what I'm saying
about your moisture content?
95
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,316
-Yes
-Yeah
96
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,925
Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting
if you can, Mr Meldrew
97
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,520
Oh, right Yes, sorry
98
00:07:51,047 --> 00:07:52,526
(SNEEZES)
99
00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:54,399
All right, Love Queen
100
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,119
Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what?
101
00:07:58,207 --> 00:08:00,118
Hello How are you today?
102
00:08:00,207 --> 00:08:04,917
As ever, darling, with a song in my heart
and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier
103
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:11,206
Bet that's hard work,
digging down all that way with just a shovel
104
00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:15,917
I tried it once with a pneumatic drill,
but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop
105
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,276
What?
106
00:08:20,287 --> 00:08:21,879
What the bloody hell am I doing?
107
00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:25,721
I'm supposed to be paying you to do this,
for God's sake!
108
00:08:25,807 --> 00:08:29,004
So just bloody well get back in there
and get on with it
109
00:08:29,407 --> 00:08:32,763
Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems
Be right on it
110
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,246
That's absolutely disgusting!
111
00:09:00,447 --> 00:09:03,120
MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy
and thanks again
112
00:09:03,207 --> 00:09:06,995
Now, you be careful crossing the road,
both of you, won't you? Bye-bye
113
00:09:07,127 --> 00:09:08,526
(DOOR CLOSING)
114
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:11,039
Who was that? I thought you'd gone
115
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,880
Well, I was just getting into the car
when Mrs Aylesbury's children
116
00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,878
came running across with this
117
00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:20,040
Said they'd brought it back to us from
Westward Ho! as a present Bless them
118
00:09:21,967 --> 00:09:25,755
Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add
to my Christmas present list,
119
00:09:26,487 --> 00:09:28,478
a sack full of seaweed
120
00:09:29,407 --> 00:09:32,797
It's to add to your new fish tank
Wasn't that thoughtful?
121
00:09:32,887 --> 00:09:37,244
Yes, very thoughtful,
loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag
122
00:09:38,007 --> 00:09:40,601
There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here
123
00:09:40,687 --> 00:09:44,646
Oh, and hang on I think I can just see
Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well
124
00:09:45,887 --> 00:09:48,845
I've got to go
What time did they say they'd ring about that job?
125
00:09:48,927 --> 00:09:51,236
Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it
126
00:09:51,327 --> 00:09:54,364
Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed
and I may ring you later Bye-bye
127
00:09:54,447 --> 00:09:55,721
Bye
128
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,805
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
129
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,684
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
130
00:10:23,487 --> 00:10:24,886
Yo, Mr Meldrew
131
00:10:32,047 --> 00:10:33,196
GIRL: Oh, my God!
132
00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:35,005
(LAUGHING)
133
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,757
Quarter to bloody 1 :00
134
00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:51,202
Ring for God's sake, can't you?
135
00:10:56,247 --> 00:10:58,317
Well, that's that, then
136
00:10:58,727 --> 00:11:00,797
Another one down the Swannee
137
00:11:02,007 --> 00:11:06,046
Must have needed my head examined
to think they'd ring in the first place
138
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:19,198
What did I come up here for?
139
00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:33,558
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
140
00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:38,602
Oh, I don't believe it
141
00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:44,365
Come on Come on Come on!
142
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,520
I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee
143
00:11:50,327 --> 00:11:52,602
Why didn't I bring up an elastic band?
144
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:54,959
Come on, you bloody
145
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,686
Yes! Hang on! Just one more second!
146
00:12:04,527 --> 00:12:05,880
4291
147
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,960
What?
148
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:12,439
No, they haven't
149
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,044
No, not yet
150
00:12:16,287 --> 00:12:17,402
Yeah
151
00:12:18,127 --> 00:12:19,321
Yeah Yeah Yeah
152
00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:22,240
Would you please get off the phone
in case they do?
153
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:25,797
Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye
154
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,880
Here, boy
155
00:12:42,487 --> 00:12:44,239
Come on Here, boy
156
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,041
Denzil?
157
00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:50,162
(WHISTLING)
158
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:51,600
Here, boy
159
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,119
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
160
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,206
Is he out there?
161
00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:23,562
I can't see him, no
162
00:13:23,647 --> 00:13:25,046
Stop worrying
163
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:29,040
If he was going to run away from home,
I'm sure he'd have left you a note
164
00:13:30,887 --> 00:13:34,197
Perhaps I'll just take one more look
in the airing cupboard
165
00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:44,885
Look at that
166
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:48,277
Why is it every time you spend half an hour
trying to pick them apart,
167
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:51,120
there's always a bloody two-page advert
for Peugeot?
168
00:13:52,847 --> 00:13:56,044
I completely wasted four seconds of my life
doing that
169
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,119
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
170
00:14:02,487 --> 00:14:04,000
4291
171
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,480
Where the bloody hell did you come from?
172
00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:11,526
Bugger off
173
00:14:12,527 --> 00:14:13,755
4291
174
00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:17,315
Really?
175
00:14:18,287 --> 00:14:20,084
Well, yes, of course
176
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,839
Yes, thank you very much
177
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,445
3:00 Yeah Yes
178
00:14:25,927 --> 00:14:27,918
Yes, thank you very much indeed
179
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:34,676
Well, who would have thought it?
180
00:14:37,927 --> 00:14:40,441
Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin!
181
00:14:46,007 --> 00:14:48,760
Where's he got to this morning?
182
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:18,239
I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well
Is that okay?
183
00:15:18,407 --> 00:15:21,285
That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew
The more the merrier
184
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:28,196
By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up
a tin of talcum powder while I was up there,
185
00:15:28,287 --> 00:15:30,596
only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's
186
00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:32,439
See how rough my skin gets?
187
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,278
-Up there
-Oh, yes
188
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,803
-Yes, shocking Yeah
-Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh?
189
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,400
Excuse me!
190
00:15:40,487 --> 00:15:43,445
Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging?
191
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,324
Terrific morning, isn't it?
192
00:15:46,327 --> 00:15:49,444
Never mind how it's hanging
What the hell's all this about?
193
00:15:49,527 --> 00:15:52,917
We opened a seaside guest house here,
have we now?
194
00:15:53,007 --> 00:15:56,204
Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning
195
00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,960
Well, I don't imagine
you'd want to start the morning
196
00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:01,402
without having a bath or something to eat
197
00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:03,557
I'll go and put some toast on for you
How would you like it?
198
00:16:03,647 --> 00:16:06,366
Like my women, golden, hot
and covered in marmalade
199
00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:07,800
Oh!
200
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:16,362
I thought you said this was going to be
one day's work out there
201
00:16:16,447 --> 00:16:19,166
No probbies, Mr Meldrew
Be done by lunch time, maximum
202
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:20,566
Thanks
203
00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:23,845
-Coffee?
-Lovely, thanks
204
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,446
What's that?
205
00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:30,199
(MARGARET GIGGLING)
206
00:16:32,127 --> 00:16:34,516
What the hell's this in aid of?
207
00:16:41,247 --> 00:16:45,798
''Sealed with a loving kiss
from Tina, Marilyn and Trish
208
00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:49,163
''You can come round
and get dirty in our garden any time''
209
00:16:49,247 --> 00:16:51,044
You can come round and get dirty
210
00:16:51,127 --> 00:16:54,597
Oh, I don't know
School girls, what would you do with them?
211
00:16:54,687 --> 00:16:57,247
It must be wonderful to be so popular
212
00:16:57,327 --> 00:17:01,240
I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler
as a measure of my affections
213
00:17:03,687 --> 00:17:05,598
Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed!
214
00:17:05,687 --> 00:17:09,316
When I want to have breakfast
with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know
215
00:17:09,847 --> 00:17:13,317
You still here?
I thought you had to go to the bank this morning
216
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,797
And don't forget
you start work at 3:00 this afternoon
217
00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:20,641
Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then
218
00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:24,127
Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy!
219
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,205
I wonder how they knew my size
220
00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:30,686
Oh, cut it out
221
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:32,405
(MARGARET GIGGLING)
222
00:17:40,207 --> 00:17:42,084
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
223
00:18:48,687 --> 00:18:50,325
Unbelievable
224
00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:53,763
Two bloody hours just to see
a sodding bank manager
225
00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:57,238
Why does everything have to end up
in such a rush?
226
00:18:57,327 --> 00:18:59,636
KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake!
227
00:18:59,727 --> 00:19:01,206
(CHUCKLING)
228
00:19:02,687 --> 00:19:04,598
For God's sake, what did you do,
spray these on this morning?
229
00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:06,757
-Stop moaning and just pull
-I am pulling
230
00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:09,236
What the bloody hell's going on in here?
231
00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:12,516
Hello, Mr Meldrew
I thought you was going to be out all day
232
00:19:12,607 --> 00:19:14,325
So it would bloody well appear
233
00:19:14,407 --> 00:19:18,480
I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs?
I mean, why didn't you tell me?
234
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:22,037
I'd have had a contraceptive machine
put in the downstairs toilet for you
235
00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:25,244
-Hey, look, calm down
-Come on, you little tart, out with you
236
00:19:25,327 --> 00:19:28,160
-Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho?
-You're hurting my arm
237
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:31,080
Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart
238
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,476
-Dad
-MELDREW: Ow! Ow!
239
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:35,398
You wanna get heavy with the young lady here,
do you?
240
00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,842
Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing
241
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,920
Don't lose your temper with him, please
You'll only regret it later like you always do
242
00:19:42,007 --> 00:19:45,124
I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan
Here, open the back door
243
00:19:45,207 --> 00:19:47,482
Open the back door now!
244
00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,558
Right, you, outside
245
00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,040
''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now
246
00:20:01,127 --> 00:20:04,358
''Hope it is to your satisfaction
It certainly is to mine''
247
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:16,761
Margaret?
248
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,076
Victor?
249
00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:22,085
Well, what are you doing?
250
00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:24,685
What am I doing?
251
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,644
I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom
252
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:29,195
What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing?
253
00:20:29,287 --> 00:20:30,959
Not very much
254
00:20:31,087 --> 00:20:33,885
Oh, for
What on earth happened?
255
00:20:34,007 --> 00:20:36,123
It wasn't my fault
256
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:40,157
I came home to find him groping
some half-naked female on the floor
257
00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:42,203
What was I supposed to think?
258
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:44,876
Half-naked You don't mean his daughter?
259
00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:47,117
She dropped by to give him a hand
just after you'd left
260
00:20:47,207 --> 00:20:50,643
I said they could both use the bathroom
to clean up when they'd finished
261
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,400
Oh, Victor
262
00:20:53,927 --> 00:20:55,076
God
263
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:57,761
What have you done this time?
264
00:20:57,887 --> 00:20:59,718
-Blow my nose!
-What?
265
00:20:59,807 --> 00:21:03,880
Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose
I think I'm going to sneeze
266
00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:14,156
Oh
267
00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:18,879
God, what are we going to do?
268
00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:21,158
What do you suggest we do?
269
00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:25,320
Spread some fertiliser round my neck
and wait till I come up in the spring?
270
00:21:25,407 --> 00:21:27,841
I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I?
271
00:21:27,927 --> 00:21:31,556
I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot
272
00:21:31,887 --> 00:21:35,800
He's packed it rock hard all around me
You'll just have to start digging
273
00:21:35,887 --> 00:21:37,081
(PEOPLE TALKING)
274
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,566
Who's that?
275
00:21:38,647 --> 00:21:41,684
Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa
I'll get them to give me a hand
276
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:43,564
Don't you bloody dare
277
00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:47,606
Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down
278
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:50,086
You don't know it was him
279
00:21:54,927 --> 00:21:56,963
PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person
280
00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:59,436
-Patrick
-Oh, hello
281
00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:02,958
You both, erbeen out somewhere?
282
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,603
Yes, just up to the hospital
283
00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:09,839
You know, to have a hermit crab
surgically removed from my testicles
284
00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,041
-I beg your pardon
-Well, I say hermit crab,
285
00:22:13,127 --> 00:22:15,880
it wasn't demonstrating much
in the way of hermitude
286
00:22:15,967 --> 00:22:18,879
when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch
287
00:22:19,287 --> 00:22:22,245
and fastened itself to my scrotum
like a bulldog clip
288
00:22:24,127 --> 00:22:25,879
How did this happen?
289
00:22:25,967 --> 00:22:29,118
Well, I've only got myself to blame
on that one, I'm afraid
290
00:22:29,247 --> 00:22:32,444
It's the old, old story
I remembered to apply the sunscreen,
291
00:22:32,527 --> 00:22:36,315
but completely forgot to smear
my groin with crab repellent
292
00:22:36,767 --> 00:22:39,122
and, inevitably, I paid the price
293
00:22:41,247 --> 00:22:42,885
Your eyes look very red
294
00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:46,878
-Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they?
-Patrick, come on
295
00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:50,319
Makes you wonder where things like that
come from, doesn't it?
296
00:22:50,407 --> 00:22:52,796
Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it?
297
00:22:54,367 --> 00:22:57,564
Changing the subject altogether,
how's Mr Meldrew
298
00:22:57,647 --> 00:23:00,957
getting on with his collection
of exotic marine wildlife?
299
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:04,437
No escaped specimens to report,
anything like that?
300
00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:06,918
No No, I don't think so
301
00:23:07,007 --> 00:23:08,360
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
302
00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:11,166
Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone
303
00:23:11,247 --> 00:23:13,602
Would you excuse me, please, both of you?
304
00:23:13,727 --> 00:23:17,845
Yes, Margaret, see you later
Come on, Patrick, indoors
305
00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:19,566
(VICTOR SNEEZING)
306
00:23:39,407 --> 00:23:40,556
Afternoon
307
00:23:44,887 --> 00:23:47,845
There was a bit of mix-up
with the workman, actually
308
00:23:49,087 --> 00:23:50,315
Was there?
309
00:23:50,407 --> 00:23:51,681
Yeah, and
310
00:23:52,847 --> 00:23:55,680
One of those stupid things, you know
311
00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:02,120
Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew
312
00:24:11,887 --> 00:24:15,846
Oh, God!
313
00:24:19,087 --> 00:24:21,078
Fan-bloody marvellous!
314
00:24:21,967 --> 00:24:24,037
What am I going to tell them at The Herald?
315
00:24:24,127 --> 00:24:26,197
''I'm sorry I never came into work
but, unfortunately,
316
00:24:26,287 --> 00:24:29,359
''I was buried up to my neck
in a heap of rotting''
317
00:24:31,767 --> 00:24:33,485
What is it now?
318
00:24:34,287 --> 00:24:35,481
Who was that?
319
00:24:35,567 --> 00:24:39,560
It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum
320
00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:44,237
She said she went round there this afternoon
with her pension
321
00:24:44,847 --> 00:24:47,315
and found her dead in the armchair
322
00:24:49,887 --> 00:24:52,481
Said they reckoned
323
00:24:52,567 --> 00:24:55,479
she'd been like that for five days
324
00:24:56,727 --> 00:24:59,560
just sitting there
325
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,562
with her knitting in her lap
326
00:25:05,207 --> 00:25:09,439
Telephone answering machine
had been left on since Monday
327
00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:14,479
Oh, God
328
00:25:18,887 --> 00:25:19,956
Sorry
329
00:25:22,887 --> 00:25:23,956
Yes
330
00:25:25,447 --> 00:25:26,562
Well
331
00:25:28,767 --> 00:25:30,962
I'll get a shovel
332
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,323
Still not sure about that
333
00:25:44,407 --> 00:25:47,604
It was all right at her place,
but I'm not sure about ours
334
00:25:49,807 --> 00:25:51,798
Grandparents had one
335
00:25:51,887 --> 00:25:53,878
I always remember as a child being scared stiff
336
00:25:53,967 --> 00:25:57,039
that if the pendulum stopped,
it meant I was gonna die
337
00:25:58,287 --> 00:26:02,803
Used just to sit and stare at it for hours
in case it suddenly stopped swinging,
338
00:26:03,887 --> 00:26:06,276
like waiting for your heart to stop
339
00:26:06,367 --> 00:26:07,959
And did it?
340
00:26:08,047 --> 00:26:10,436
Nope, and I'm still here
341
00:26:10,967 --> 00:26:13,117
Oh, we might as well keep this
342
00:26:13,207 --> 00:26:16,085
You can always switch it on
when you go to the loo
343
00:26:16,687 --> 00:26:20,760
(ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
344
00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:25,763
I'm sorry that I'm not here now,
but that's because I'm somewhere else.
345
00:26:26,567 --> 00:26:29,206
I say, I'm somewhere else!
346
00:26:30,767 --> 00:26:35,124
But I expect you'll both be up here soon,
won't you, the pair of you?
347
00:26:35,967 --> 00:26:37,525
So I'll see you then.
348
00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:39,236
Hello?
349
00:26:39,327 --> 00:26:41,477
(BEEPING)
350
00:26:43,807 --> 00:26:47,641
Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say
351
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:50,325
Are you all right?
352
00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:53,160
Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think
353
00:26:53,327 --> 00:26:55,204
Are you coming up?
354
00:26:56,127 --> 00:26:57,799
Yes, I might as well
355
00:27:35,607 --> 00:27:37,484
Not yet, you don't, matey!
356
00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:44,126
# They say I might as well face the truth
357
00:27:44,927 --> 00:27:47,680
# That I am just too long in the tooth
358
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:51,318
# I've started to deteriorate
359
00:27:51,807 --> 00:27:54,765
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
360
00:27:55,487 --> 00:27:58,206
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
361
00:27:58,767 --> 00:28:01,679
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
362
00:28:02,287 --> 00:28:05,085
#And my old knees have started to knock
363
00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:08,600
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
364
00:28:09,367 --> 00:28:12,996
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
365
00:28:13,207 --> 00:28:16,597
# It's true that my body has seen better days
366
00:28:16,807 --> 00:28:20,243
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
367
00:28:20,647 --> 00:28:22,842
# One foot in the grave
368
00:28:24,047 --> 00:28:26,242
# One foot in the grave
369
00:28:27,527 --> 00:28:29,802
# One foot in the grave #