# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
(ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else!
But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you?
So I'll see you then.
Hello?
(BEEPING)
Hello, Mum It's Wednesday, about 6:00
I'm just ringing to say that all being well, we'll be up there Sunday afternoon about 3:00,
but I'll speak to you soon Bye-bye
Any luck? How did it go?
Yes, very well, surprisingly
I see the Wild Man of Borneo's had another good day in the garden
Quicker using a trained lugworm at this rate
Well, who got him in? Not me There was no necessity for it in the first place
There's every necessity with their bloody tree next door sucking all the moisture
out of our garden like an elephant's trunk
Get his roots chopped off on our side,
we might be able to grow something out there again
He's charged me for one guppy too many here
Oh, no, I tell a lie He hasn't
So how did you get on at The Herald offices?
Did you get that job on the packing-bench or what?
They're going to ring me up and let me know tomorrow
They say I have to be sure to be in between 9:00 and 1 :00
Oh, well, that sounds hopeful, doesn't it?
I hope you're going to have the decency to take the dead ones out first this time
Yes, I am Where's the tea strainer?
Good grief
That's 1 2 7 of those things you've managed to kill off now
Never known anything like it since biblical times
You flattened 1 2 in one go when you dropped that rock in the tank
It's just teething troubles, that's all I think I know what I'm doing wrong now
Fish have a better life expectancy in the Co-op freezer than they do in that thing
Oh, and can we please not flush them down the toilet this time?
'Cause half the bloody things come floating back up again
Yes
Anyway, everything's under control now
I've just got a few more adjustments to make to this airflow and they'll be fine
By the way, I phoned Mum this afternoon
She's beginning to get the hang of that answering machine more now
I don't really know why you got one for her in the first place
You know she never goes far
She might go a bit further if she stopped growing runner beans up her Zimmer frame
I said we would pop up there Sunday afternoon
Battier by the minute
Went over there the other week, she was slicing wax fruit on to her All-Bran
Says it keeps her regular
Keeps her regular? So does a stick of dynamite up your Shh
I can hear them talking next door Where's that glass?
God spare us Here we go again
They're talking about us I just caught the words ''arsehole think he's playing at''
It's gone quiet I wonder what's happening?
Loopy as the day is long
That's five lots of them he's brought home in the last week
Wouldn't be surprised if he's eating them on Ritz crackers
Am I going to get my spaghetti jar back again tonight or what?
Well, what with that and our friend homo erectus out the back,
you never know what you're going to see there next
-Homo erectus? -Hmm
I imagine he must live in a cave quite nearby somewhere
Comes out for a few hours each day to lumber round Meldrew's garden with a shovel in his fist
I'm not quite sure why
If you're talking about that workman next door,
I think he looks cute
Cute?
I've never seen so much hair growing down someone's back in all my life
He could blow-dry his bottom every morning at that rate
I tell you, if he damages that cherry tree, there'll be all hell to pay
Here you go Come on
I wonder why he only eats cat food?
Don't look at me He's your baby substitute
What's that supposed to mean? I got him for you
Yes Of course you did
(ON TV) Wonder what the weather's gonna be like. Tania?
...sunny elsewhere but hopefully there should be some bright spells tonight.
Yo! How's it hanging, Mr Meldrew, okay?
Sorry I didn't get very far yesterday I had a slight problem with the dehydration
Had to let it breathe overnight, get some precipitation in your sub-soil
And how is it this morning?
Marvellous this morning Here, look
Yielding straight away, that is See for yourself
Yeah
Does feel a bit more supple than usual
You see what I'm saying about your moisture content?
-Yes -Yeah
Try keeping it on the plastic sheeting if you can, Mr Meldrew
Oh, right Yes, sorry
(SNEEZES)
All right, Love Queen
Is it a wonderful, wicked morning or what?
Hello How are you today?
As ever, darling, with a song in my heart and a tongue in my ear I couldn't be happier
Bet that's hard work, digging down all that way with just a shovel
I tried it once with a pneumatic drill, but it kept giving me orgasms Had to stop
What?
What the bloody hell am I doing?
I'm supposed to be paying you to do this, for God's sake!
So just bloody well get back in there and get on with it
Absolutely, Mr Meldrew, no problems Be right on it
That's absolutely disgusting!
MARGARET: And give my love to your mummy and thanks again
Now, you be careful crossing the road, both of you, won't you? Bye-bye
(DOOR CLOSING)
Who was that? I thought you'd gone
Well, I was just getting into the car when Mrs Aylesbury's children
came running across with this
Said they'd brought it back to us from Westward Ho! as a present Bless them
Oh, yes, the very thing I was about to add to my Christmas present list,
a sack full of seaweed
It's to add to your new fish tank Wasn't that thoughtful?
Yes, very thoughtful, loading half the North Atlantic into a rubbish bag
There's barnacles and God knows whatnot in here
Oh, and hang on I think I can just see Hans and Lotte Hass down the bottom as well
I've got to go What time did they say they'd ring about that job?
Before 1 :00, but that will only be if I've got it
Oh, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed and I may ring you later Bye-bye
Bye
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Yo, Mr Meldrew
GIRL: Oh, my God!
(LAUGHING)
Quarter to bloody 1 :00
Ring for God's sake, can't you?
Well, that's that, then
Another one down the Swannee
Must have needed my head examined to think they'd ring in the first place
What did I come up here for?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, I don't believe it
Come on Come on Come on!
I had to drink three bloody cups of coffee
Why didn't I bring up an elastic band?
Come on, you bloody
Yes! Hang on! Just one more second!
4291
What?
No, they haven't
No, not yet
Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Would you please get off the phone in case they do?
Yes, I'll talk to you later Yes, right, bye
Here, boy
Come on Here, boy
Denzil?
(WHISTLING)
Here, boy
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
Is he out there?
I can't see him, no
Stop worrying
If he was going to run away from home, I'm sure he'd have left you a note
Perhaps I'll just take one more look in the airing cupboard
Look at that
Why is it every time you spend half an hour trying to pick them apart,
there's always a bloody two-page advert for Peugeot?
I completely wasted four seconds of my life doing that
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
4291
Where the bloody hell did you come from?
Bugger off
4291
Really?
Well, yes, of course
Yes, thank you very much
3:00 Yeah Yes
Yes, thank you very much indeed
Well, who would have thought it?
Get your bloody nose out of that bread bin!
Where's he got to this morning?
I've done some fried mushrooms with this as well Is that okay?
That's fabby-fab, Mrs Meldrew The more the merrier
By the way, I hope you didn't mind me opening up a tin of talcum powder while I was up there,
only I'm allergic to the Sainsbury's
See how rough my skin gets?
-Up there -Oh, yes
-Yes, shocking Yeah -Yes, that's a bit on the flaky side, eh?
Excuse me!
Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew How's it hanging?
Terrific morning, isn't it?
Never mind how it's hanging What the hell's all this about?
We opened a seaside guest house here, have we now?
Mr Kazanzi's water was cut off this morning
Well, I don't imagine you'd want to start the morning
without having a bath or something to eat
I'll go and put some toast on for you How would you like it?
Like my women, golden, hot and covered in marmalade
Oh!
I thought you said this was going to be one day's work out there
No probbies, Mr Meldrew Be done by lunch time, maximum
Thanks
-Coffee? -Lovely, thanks
What's that?
(MARGARET GIGGLING)
What the hell's this in aid of?
''Sealed with a loving kiss from Tina, Marilyn and Trish
''You can come round and get dirty in our garden any time''
You can come round and get dirty
Oh, I don't know School girls, what would you do with them?
It must be wonderful to be so popular
I know, I'll send them a 1 2-inch ruler as a measure of my affections
Yes! Well, thank you very much indeed!
When I want to have breakfast with Hale and Pace, I'll let you know
You still here? I thought you had to go to the bank this morning
And don't forget you start work at 3:00 this afternoon
Right Well, I'll just leave you both to it, then
Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew Be groovy!
I wonder how they knew my size
Oh, cut it out
(MARGARET GIGGLING)
(CHAINSAW BUZZING)
Unbelievable
Two bloody hours just to see a sodding bank manager
Why does everything have to end up in such a rush?
KAZANZI: Off! Off! God's sake!
(CHUCKLING)
For God's sake, what did you do, spray these on this morning?
-Stop moaning and just pull -I am pulling
What the bloody hell's going on in here?
Hello, Mr Meldrew I thought you was going to be out all day
So it would bloody well appear
I mean, what is this, a hostel for sex maniacs? I mean, why didn't you tell me?
I'd have had a contraceptive machine put in the downstairs toilet for you
-Hey, look, calm down -Come on, you little tart, out with you
-Where did he pick you up, dial-a-nympho? -You're hurting my arm
Oi, oi, oi! Come here! She's not a little tart
-Dad -MELDREW: Ow! Ow!
You wanna get heavy with the young lady here, do you?
Dad! Dad, look I'm okay It's nothing
Don't lose your temper with him, please You'll only regret it later like you always do
I'm not gonna regret nothing, Susan Here, open the back door
Open the back door now!
Right, you, outside
''Dear Mrs Meldrew, have filled in the hole now
''Hope it is to your satisfaction It certainly is to mine''
Margaret?
Victor?
Well, what are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm wallpapering the spare bedroom
What the bloody hell does it look as if I'm doing?
Not very much
Oh, for What on earth happened?
It wasn't my fault
I came home to find him groping some half-naked female on the floor
What was I supposed to think?
Half-naked You don't mean his daughter?
She dropped by to give him a hand just after you'd left
I said they could both use the bathroom to clean up when they'd finished
Oh, Victor
God
What have you done this time?
-Blow my nose! -What?
Stop standing there wittering and blow my nose I think I'm going to sneeze
Oh
God, what are we going to do?
What do you suggest we do?
Spread some fertiliser round my neck and wait till I come up in the spring?
I'm not going to stay like this forever, am I?
I feel like a bloody ball on the penalty spot
He's packed it rock hard all around me You'll just have to start digging
(PEOPLE TALKING)
Who's that?
Oh, it's Patrick and Pippa I'll get them to give me a hand
Don't you bloody dare
Let him see me like this? I'll never live it down
You don't know it was him
PATRICK: Mrs Meldrew, the very person
-Patrick -Oh, hello
You both, erbeen out somewhere?
Yes, just up to the hospital
You know, to have a hermit crab surgically removed from my testicles
-I beg your pardon -Well, I say hermit crab,
it wasn't demonstrating much in the way of hermitude
when it popped into my shorts earlier on for lunch
and fastened itself to my scrotum like a bulldog clip
How did this happen?
Well, I've only got myself to blame on that one, I'm afraid
It's the old, old story I remembered to apply the sunscreen,
but completely forgot to smear my groin with crab repellent
and, inevitably, I paid the price
Your eyes look very red
-Yes, well they would do, wouldn't they? -Patrick, come on
Makes you wonder where things like that come from, doesn't it?
Doesn't it, Mrs Meldrew? Yes, doesn't it?
Changing the subject altogether, how's Mr Meldrew
getting on with his collection of exotic marine wildlife?
No escaped specimens to report, anything like that?
No No, I don't think so
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'm sorry, but I think that's my phone
Would you excuse me, please, both of you?
Yes, Margaret, see you later Come on, Patrick, indoors
(VICTOR SNEEZING)
Afternoon
There was a bit of mix-up with the workman, actually
Was there?
Yeah, and
One of those stupid things, you know
Yes Yes, I do indeed, Mr Meldrew
Oh, God!
Fan-bloody marvellous!
What am I going to tell them at The Herald?
''I'm sorry I never came into work but, unfortunately,
''I was buried up to my neck in a heap of rotting''
What is it now?
Who was that?
It was Mrs Reynolds, who lives next door to Mum
She said she went round there this afternoon with her pension
and found her dead in the armchair
Said they reckoned
she'd been like that for five days
just sitting there
with her knitting in her lap
Telephone answering machine had been left on since Monday
Oh, God
Sorry
Yes
Well
I'll get a shovel
Still not sure about that
It was all right at her place, but I'm not sure about ours
Grandparents had one
I always remember as a child being scared stiff
that if the pendulum stopped, it meant I was gonna die
Used just to sit and stare at it for hours in case it suddenly stopped swinging,
like waiting for your heart to stop
And did it?
Nope, and I'm still here
Oh, we might as well keep this
You can always switch it on when you go to the loo
(ANSWERING MACHINE) Hello? Margaret? This is your mum speaking.
I'm sorry that I'm not here now, but that's because I'm somewhere else.
I say, I'm somewhere else!
But I expect you'll both be up here soon, won't you, the pair of you?
So I'll see you then.
Hello?
(BEEPING)
Well, that's cheered me up no end, I must say
Are you all right?
Yes, I'll just go through that tomorrow, I think
Are you coming up?
Yes, I might as well
Not yet, you don't, matey!
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #