1
00:00:03,127 --> 00:00:06,085
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:09,525
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:10,087 --> 00:00:13,318
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:16,877
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,926
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:24,477
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:27,957
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,327 --> 00:00:30,841
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:35,487 --> 00:00:37,318
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
10
00:00:48,727 --> 00:00:51,002
(OUT OF TOWN PLAYING)
11
00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:08,159
(INAUDIBLE)
12
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,723
RADIO COMMENTATOR:
Up comes Foster from the Vauxhall End,
13
00:01:57,807 --> 00:02:01,163
he bowls to the right-handed Hooper
and Hooper is caught at slip by Gooch.
14
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,842
Now, Mr Meldrew,
if you take one step to your left
15
00:02:21,927 --> 00:02:22,996
Yes?
16
00:02:23,087 --> 00:02:27,080
you'll be standing in a huge pile of dog's mess
so watch where you're treading
17
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:28,885
And smile!
18
00:03:18,287 --> 00:03:21,916
MARGARET: Which 1 960s album
was banned in many shops
19
00:03:22,007 --> 00:03:24,077
because the cover depicted nude women?
20
00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:26,806
MRS WARBOYS: Electric Ladyland by Jimi Hendrix
MARGARET: Very good
21
00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:29,003
MRS WARBOYS: Green, please
22
00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:31,999
MARGARET: Which vegetable
is the world's best-selling aphrodisiac?
23
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,681
-Asparagus
-Correct
24
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,280
Three
25
00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:38,280
Pink, please
26
00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,756
What was the stage name of
the singer Harold Lloyd Jenkins?
27
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,599
-Conway Twitty
-Correct
28
00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:45,756
Two
29
00:03:46,447 --> 00:03:48,324
Two Green
30
00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:50,843
How many noses does an ant have?
31
00:03:50,927 --> 00:03:52,724
-Nine
-Correct
32
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,081
Orange
33
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:00,355
Which famous actor
34
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:03,484
(YELLING) Help! For God's sake, somebody help!
35
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:06,843
We're stuck in the bloody middle of nowhere
and we can't move
36
00:04:06,927 --> 00:04:11,079
If anyone can hear us, for the love of God, help!
37
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:22,478
athlete won the 1 952 Olympic marathon?
38
00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:24,478
-Emil Zatopek
-Correct
39
00:04:25,167 --> 00:04:27,397
One Green for a wedge, please
40
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:31,000
What does the excrement of a gazelle smell of?
41
00:04:31,087 --> 00:04:32,759
-Violets
-Correct
42
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:38,042
For goodness sake!
How the bloody hell do you know all these?
43
00:04:38,207 --> 00:04:39,435
Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
44
00:04:39,527 --> 00:04:43,315
Excrement of a gazelle
What do you do, go about sniffing it?
45
00:04:43,447 --> 00:04:46,007
How many noses Conway Twitty's got
46
00:04:46,407 --> 00:04:50,923
Forty minutes we've been playing
and no else has had a question yet
47
00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:55,077
Anyway, I've had enough of this stupid game
Don't know why you had to bring it
48
00:05:09,287 --> 00:05:11,721
''Let's all go out for a nice day in the country''
49
00:05:11,807 --> 00:05:15,641
Start off on the A1 4 3
and end up on the set of Apocalypse Now.
50
00:05:16,007 --> 00:05:18,521
Four hours we've been marooned here
51
00:05:18,687 --> 00:05:20,598
Yes, we got ourselves into a right pickle
52
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:23,440
when the river split into three back there,
didn't we, Mr Meldrew?
53
00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:25,119
Funny how things turn out
54
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:27,926
Funny? Yes
It's a pity we didn't have a needle and thread
55
00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:31,636
I could sew up my sides
where they're split from laughing
56
00:05:36,887 --> 00:05:39,162
If we had any oars left, it would be a start
57
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:40,600
There was nothing wrong with that idea
58
00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:43,406
That was a good idea
to try and punt our way back
59
00:05:43,487 --> 00:05:46,604
Not my fault they got stuck in the mud
and left behind
60
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,481
We don't even know which way
the way back is now
61
00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:52,240
We're completely and utterly lost
62
00:05:53,007 --> 00:05:58,001
Help! For God's sake, somebody out there, help!
63
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,079
All tense again now
64
00:06:11,927 --> 00:06:14,236
Going to have to have another Valium
65
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:18,286
Why don't you go and take half a dozen at once
and put us all out of our misery?
66
00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:21,803
It's no good shouting
It only keeps making your nose bleed again
67
00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:29,719
Bloody freezing now
68
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,959
And I'm dying to go to the toilet
Got a bladder like an ice bucket
69
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,803
Has anybody seen the lid to this?
70
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:40,756
Yes, I think you'll find it's over there
71
00:06:44,127 --> 00:06:45,560
Bloody thing
72
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:54,925
What is he
73
00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:57,885
Do you mean to say
we're only in two feet of water?
74
00:07:01,407 --> 00:07:05,241
Why the bloody hell didn't you tell us,
for God's sake?
75
00:07:05,327 --> 00:07:07,921
Sorry, I thought we all wanted to stay here
76
00:07:09,207 --> 00:07:11,004
and play Trivial Pursuit
77
00:07:15,007 --> 00:07:18,602
God only knows how we'll get back
to that boathouse from here
78
00:07:18,687 --> 00:07:21,838
On the Burma Railway at this rate
79
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,999
Mind your new dress in these thorns,
Mrs Warboys, they're very sharp
80
00:07:29,327 --> 00:07:31,841
Mind her new dress?
81
00:07:32,047 --> 00:07:35,483
What about my new dress, thank you very much
82
00:07:37,007 --> 00:07:38,076
Oh!
83
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:41,525
Is that new as well? You never said
84
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:43,275
Never
85
00:07:44,487 --> 00:07:47,320
I knew it was going to be one of these days
86
00:07:47,407 --> 00:07:51,798
If I'd put a bloody rabbit costume on,
she'd have turned up wearing one
87
00:07:52,367 --> 00:07:53,516
(TEARING)
88
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:54,881
(SHRIEKING)
89
00:08:02,287 --> 00:08:04,243
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
90
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:11,481
Oh, great! That's all we needed
91
00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:15,560
NICK: Mr Meldrew Up here
92
00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:17,126
Come and see
93
00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:22,279
Oh, goody What's he found this time?
Some fresh stoat dung?
94
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:29,442
Must have veered off the road or something
and then couldn't get it going again
95
00:08:29,527 --> 00:08:34,476
Now, he's locked the front door,
but the back is still open
96
00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:39,559
At least we can take cover until the rain eases off
What do you think?
97
00:09:14,447 --> 00:09:16,085
(SNORING)
98
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,526
Hello! Wakey-wakey, everyone!
99
00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:23,960
It's quite nice out here now
I've just been watching two frogs having sex
100
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,766
-It was incredibly exciting
-Was it?
101
00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:28,678
Yes, well, come on Let's get moving
102
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:32,726
We might be lucky enough
to see a toad getting a tadpole into trouble
103
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:36,246
Got a cramp that's driving me bananas
104
00:09:36,647 --> 00:09:39,798
Mine seems to have gone to sleep as well
I can hardly feel it
105
00:09:39,887 --> 00:09:41,718
Well, you go first and I'll
106
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:49,042
-How did this happen?
-Oh, my God! Oh, Mr Meldrew
107
00:09:49,127 --> 00:09:52,483
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, I don't believe it
108
00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:56,442
-Victor, what is it?
-What is it? What does it bloody look like?
109
00:09:56,527 --> 00:09:59,883
There's a sack of cement
with our bloody feet inside!
110
00:10:03,087 --> 00:10:07,319
Oh, God Oh, how do these things happen?
111
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:11,286
Look, it's all right, don't panic
It's only a small bag of mortar
112
00:10:11,447 --> 00:10:14,280
We'll soon get that off No problem
113
00:10:50,887 --> 00:10:53,401
Well, this is the life, isn't it?
114
00:10:53,807 --> 00:10:56,685
I always think you've never lived
115
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,998
until you've been forced to trudge
for three miles up a dirt track
116
00:11:00,087 --> 00:11:02,476
with a sack of concrete on the end of your leg
117
00:11:02,567 --> 00:11:04,797
I can't believe how hard that stuff sets
118
00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:07,845
I felt for sure that tyre lever
would've managed to crack it open
119
00:11:07,927 --> 00:11:10,680
Yes, but on the other hand,
it was stunningly effective
120
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:12,405
in breaking three of my toes
121
00:11:12,487 --> 00:11:16,196
But, by a lucky coincidence,
they're already all in plaster
122
00:11:16,287 --> 00:11:18,517
So it couldn't have worked out better
123
00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:35,079
Right That's it
124
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:39,558
I've put it off for as long as is humanly possible,
Mrs Warboys,
125
00:11:39,647 --> 00:11:44,004
but I'm afraid I can't last another second
126
00:11:45,127 --> 00:11:48,597
Oh, no! No, no, Mr Meldrew Please!
127
00:11:48,687 --> 00:11:51,247
Victor, can't you bottle it up?
128
00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:55,878
If I had a bottle, yes
But failing that, I'll just have to use this tree
129
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,444
Sorry, Mrs Warboys
130
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:04,119
You'll just have to look the other way
and put your fingers in your ears
131
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,915
Why do men always have to do it
up against something?
132
00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:16,526
I've never been able to fathom it out
133
00:12:46,927 --> 00:12:48,679
Oh, God!
134
00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:52,597
How much further, Mr Meldrew?
135
00:12:53,527 --> 00:12:56,758
We've been walking for two hours now
136
00:12:56,847 --> 00:13:00,760
We must be close to
some form of civilisation by now
137
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,399
(PANTING)
138
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:18,637
Let's see what's around this corner,
perhaps there's a farmhouse or something
139
00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:32,083
I don't believe
140
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:35,801
MARGARET: This isn't happening
141
00:13:35,887 --> 00:13:42,520
Two hours of walking round in a bloody circle
142
00:13:43,887 --> 00:13:46,640
I just
143
00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:48,683
(MARGARET SCREAMING)
144
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:51,600
Look! Look, it's a car!
145
00:13:51,727 --> 00:13:53,160
Oh, thank God!
146
00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:54,800
Stop!
147
00:13:57,287 --> 00:13:59,755
Stop! Please stop!
148
00:14:00,127 --> 00:14:02,846
(ALL YELLING FRANTICALLY)
149
00:14:02,927 --> 00:14:05,043
(CAR HONKING)
150
00:14:18,687 --> 00:14:20,120
MARGARET: Can you get up?
151
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,402
Joyriding louts!
152
00:14:23,607 --> 00:14:26,963
Thank God for that
I thought I'd never see it again
153
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,080
MARGARET: No bones broken or anything?
MRS WARBOYS: I don't think so
154
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:33,965
NICK: Careful now Mr Meldrew, are you all right?
155
00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:37,238
NICK: Mrs Warboys, be careful
MARGARET: Come on
156
00:14:39,527 --> 00:14:41,518
It's getting darker by the second
157
00:14:41,607 --> 00:14:44,883
We can't make Jean walk any further
158
00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:49,046
Somebody is going to have to go and get help
and the rest of us will wait in the van
159
00:14:49,127 --> 00:14:50,321
Well, do you want
160
00:14:50,407 --> 00:14:53,877
I'll go It's the only sensible thing I'll go myself
161
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:56,558
I'll be back as soon as I can
162
00:14:56,647 --> 00:15:01,198
For goodness sake, be careful, Mr Meldrew
You never know what's out there
163
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,561
Good evening
164
00:17:16,647 --> 00:17:20,560
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you at this hour,
165
00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:24,242
but I'm afraid my wife and some friends and I,
we're horribly lost
166
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:31,956
It's not far from here I wonder if I could use
your phone to call the police or somebody
167
00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:34,641
You're all muddy and wet
168
00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:37,398
You need a good, hot bath
169
00:17:39,927 --> 00:17:41,155
Thanks
170
00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:51,400
This is the downstairs bathroom
171
00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:54,561
There's two other ones upstairs
172
00:17:55,807 --> 00:17:58,765
I'm sure one will be more than enough, thank you
173
00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:03,398
And so you're going to phone the police for me,
are you?
174
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,837
Lovely Thanks very much, then
175
00:18:24,807 --> 00:18:28,322
Mr Gorshin, what are you doing out of bed
at this time of night?
176
00:18:53,407 --> 00:18:55,204
Good night, Miss Lander
177
00:18:55,287 --> 00:18:57,005
Good night, Rachel
178
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:29,636
You turn right at the end of this road,
then fork left for 1 00 yards
179
00:20:29,727 --> 00:20:31,445
and you'll be right back at the boathouse
180
00:20:31,527 --> 00:20:33,757
It's literally a 1 0-minute walk
181
00:20:33,847 --> 00:20:35,326
Right Thanks
182
00:20:35,927 --> 00:20:38,361
Make sure I got the car keys Yes
183
00:20:38,847 --> 00:20:40,758
And I'm sorry about the
184
00:20:40,847 --> 00:20:42,644
I'm sorry about the misunderstanding
185
00:20:42,727 --> 00:20:46,356
I'm afraid Mr Gorshin
is a little on the hyperactive side
186
00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:48,836
I'll have a quiet word with him when you've gone
187
00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:50,724
Right Thanks Bye
188
00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:00,877
No! No!
189
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,878
Don't make me
190
00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:07,280
No, no Please don't make me
191
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,837
No, please It's those horrible dreams
192
00:21:10,927 --> 00:21:12,804
They're horrible
193
00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:15,799
Please don't make me go back to bed
194
00:21:15,887 --> 00:21:17,718
-Please go away!
-I've tried the intravenous sedative
195
00:21:17,807 --> 00:21:19,718
He knocked it out of my hands
196
00:21:23,127 --> 00:21:25,277
Get up, you stupid old fool
197
00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:27,961
-Get up off the floor
-Did you hear?
198
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:29,681
Get up!
199
00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,725
You must like limping, do you?
200
00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:34,206
(MOANING)
201
00:21:47,687 --> 00:21:49,882
GORSHIN: No! Leave me alone!
202
00:21:49,967 --> 00:21:51,320
(GROANING)
203
00:21:52,207 --> 00:21:54,118
(CLATTERING)
204
00:21:54,367 --> 00:21:56,198
(GROANING)
205
00:22:12,727 --> 00:22:14,046
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
206
00:22:14,127 --> 00:22:15,719
(GORSHIN YELLING)
207
00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:22,404
LANDER: I don't think we'll have
too much trouble from them tonight
208
00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:25,638
We'll see if they've cooled down a bit
by tomorrow morning
209
00:22:54,007 --> 00:22:56,237
(TELEVISION BLARING)
210
00:23:07,087 --> 00:23:09,157
(BANGING)
211
00:23:15,407 --> 00:23:17,682
(THUMPING)
212
00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,279
(LOUD CLATTERING)
213
00:24:43,767 --> 00:24:46,725
I'm afraid I left my watch in your bathroom
214
00:24:46,807 --> 00:24:47,842
Oh
215
00:24:47,927 --> 00:24:49,076
Right
216
00:24:55,207 --> 00:24:56,879
So you did There
217
00:24:57,687 --> 00:24:59,359
-Good night
-Good night
218
00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:02,281
Oh, sorry I very nearly forgot
219
00:25:02,647 --> 00:25:04,046
Nearly forgot what?
220
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:08,359
I very nearly forgot to call you
an evil, loathsome bastard
221
00:25:08,767 --> 00:25:11,361
I wouldn't treat a sewage rat
the way you treat these people
222
00:25:11,447 --> 00:25:14,883
and I shall be calling the social services
department first thing in the morning
223
00:25:14,967 --> 00:25:17,879
to tell them about the sickening brutality
that goes on around here
224
00:25:17,967 --> 00:25:20,276
in the name of geriatric care
225
00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:23,803
I have to look after the welfare
of all my residents,
226
00:25:23,887 --> 00:25:25,639
not just one or two
227
00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:29,364
You haven't the first understanding
of the way their minds work
228
00:25:29,447 --> 00:25:31,802
or the destructive behaviour they're capable of
229
00:25:31,887 --> 00:25:35,357
I'm sorry What language are you talking in now?
230
00:25:35,447 --> 00:25:37,483
It appears to be bollocks
231
00:25:37,607 --> 00:25:41,236
Get out now or I'll have you forcibly ejected
232
00:25:41,327 --> 00:25:42,646
Martin! Sonia!
233
00:25:42,727 --> 00:25:46,686
Oh, I think you'll find
they've all gone sleepy-byes now actually
234
00:25:46,887 --> 00:25:48,843
Half a dozen Valium each
235
00:25:49,487 --> 00:25:54,117
Yes In fact, I should think you're ready
for a bit of shut-eye yourself now, aren't you?
236
00:25:54,207 --> 00:25:56,641
I want you out of this building
237
00:25:57,287 --> 00:26:00,723
and if anyone calls the authorities,
it'll be me ringing the police
238
00:26:00,807 --> 00:26:04,163
to report an aged pervert
who broke into my bathroom tonight
239
00:26:04,247 --> 00:26:05,521
and exposed himself
240
00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,167
For the last time, are you
241
00:26:08,687 --> 00:26:10,643
(LANDER SCREAMING)
242
00:26:14,847 --> 00:26:16,963
(CACKLING)
243
00:26:39,047 --> 00:26:42,357
I don't think you'll have any more trouble
with them tonight, but keep the door locked
244
00:26:42,447 --> 00:26:45,359
I'll make sure there's someone round first thing
245
00:26:59,287 --> 00:27:00,686
Mr Meldrew?
246
00:27:02,727 --> 00:27:04,001
Where did you come from?
247
00:27:04,087 --> 00:27:06,885
Well, I managed to get the van started in the end,
bypassed the ignition
248
00:27:06,967 --> 00:27:11,006
I just dropped the ladies off at the car,
then I came back to look for you
249
00:27:11,167 --> 00:27:13,840
-What's being going on?
-I'll tell you in a minute
250
00:27:13,927 --> 00:27:17,158
Do we have four more bags of cement in there,
by any chance?
251
00:27:17,487 --> 00:27:18,761
What for?
252
00:27:23,327 --> 00:27:26,399
Oh, there's certainly evidence
of some shocking mistreatment
253
00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:28,079
No question about that
254
00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:30,806
Biggest question of all is,
what happened to the staff?
255
00:27:30,887 --> 00:27:32,878
Where did they all vanish to suddenly?
256
00:27:32,967 --> 00:27:35,162
Can't get any sense out of the residents
257
00:27:35,247 --> 00:27:37,044
Just some story about a mystery man
258
00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:39,038
who appeared from nowhere
in the middle of the night,
259
00:27:39,127 --> 00:27:40,924
like The Lone Ranger.
260
00:27:42,207 --> 00:27:46,405
WOMAN: I expect they all got the wind up,
decided to make a run for it before we got here
261
00:27:46,487 --> 00:27:48,125
I suppose that's it, yes
262
00:27:48,207 --> 00:27:50,960
Okay, Sergeant, all yours for statements
263
00:28:00,807 --> 00:28:04,083
-Somebody!
-Help!
264
00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:05,520
Help!
265
00:28:23,247 --> 00:28:26,159
# They say I might as well face the truth
266
00:28:26,647 --> 00:28:29,639
# That I am just too long in the tooth
267
00:28:30,127 --> 00:28:33,039
# I've started to deteriorate
268
00:28:33,447 --> 00:28:36,564
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
269
00:28:37,047 --> 00:28:40,084
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
270
00:28:40,567 --> 00:28:43,479
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
271
00:28:43,967 --> 00:28:46,879
#And my old knees have started to knock
272
00:28:47,527 --> 00:28:50,485
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
273
00:28:50,887 --> 00:28:54,766
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
274
00:28:54,927 --> 00:28:58,237
# It's true that my body has seen better days
275
00:28:58,407 --> 00:29:01,956
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
276
00:29:02,487 --> 00:29:04,603
# One foot in the grave
277
00:29:05,727 --> 00:29:08,036
# One foot in the grave
278
00:29:09,207 --> 00:29:12,005
# One foot in the grave #