# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
You nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write
Hey! Listen to this It's from Mr Hithercroft
You know, that old bloke with the monocle
He says, ''Thank you so much for showing me around your house last Thursday
''It is a truly delightful property
''and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely
''I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera
''as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude
''I have a wide collection of World War II gas masks
''which, if you are agreeable, we''
Oh, dear
I think I feel sick
-It sounds quite promising, then? -Sounds quite I beg your pardon
Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably You never know, he might be serious
We are desperate
We're not that bloody desperate
In any case, it's addressed to you
What?
What's that? A diary you're starting up now?
(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah Just finished There you are All yours
''Rub each other's thighs with Swarfega''
VICTOR: Welcome back to suburbia
Yeah, they put these new lampposts up at last, I see
How are your feet? Still burning?
Burning?
I may have to stick them under the toaster when I get in to cool them down
Blisters are bursting all over now I can feel them
I think it's safe to say I won't be doing much tap-dancing over the next few weeks
Oh, look at that!
You know who this is, don't you? That new mob who's moved into number 1 0
Little buggers I'll wring their necks when I
There they are now
Oi, you!
What's this? My bloody front garden doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it?
If you ask nicely, I'll set up a sight screen in the dining room for you!
Oh, why don't you sod off down a sewer?
Don't you tell me to sod off down a sewer, you cocky little tyke
Five seconds we've been back
-He's going to tell his dad about you -Yeah, what's he going to do about it?
-You'll soon find out He hates your guts -Yeah
Well, you can tell him from me that the feeling is mutual
-Oh, you miserable old bleeder -Oh, you miserable old git
BOYS: # Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew #
You won't have much to sing about
when I've finished cuffing you round the ears with that cricket bat
Cheeky little bastards
Someone's been at these grapes There was 24 here when we left
It's the last time I let him come round to feed the fish
And I bet you anything you like he spat the pips out as well
Yeah There's one there Look
And there's another one
PIPPA: Hello!
Hello?
You both have a nice time?
Bit of a heat wave down that way, wasn't there, by all accounts?
Yeah, I'm afraid Victor came a bit of a cropper with his feet
Left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep and burnt the soles like I can't tell you
He's been shuffling around like Toulouse-Lautrec now for five days
-Oh, dear Where exactly did this happen then? -Oh, while we were on the beach
Luckily, there was another chap there from the same hotel
who very kindly dragged him back to the car
Otherwise I don't know what we would have done
Oh, hang on a minute
Should be Yes
Here we are
Look
-He looks nice -Yes
He was
His name's Ben He lives in North London
Yes He was a lot of fun
Well, anyway, I think your fish are all present and correct
None of them coughing up blood or anything
Oh, your mail's all in the kitchen so I'd better scoot
-All right -I'll see you later, I expect
-Yes, and thanks for everything, Pippa -Okay, bye
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold
Next time I'll get something to kneel on
(PHONE RINGING)
4291
Yes?
What?
Yes, I did, and I'll bloody well shout at them again if I feel like it
Have you seen what they've done to my window?
I don't care! You should bring them up better!
Bloody family of yobs!
Never done a day's work since they moved in either if it comes to that
I think Mrs Aylesbury said he was a painter or something
Got a job with the brewery
What as? A piss ar
What the hell?
Where did
Terrific
Yes, it's really wonderful to be home
What was all that racket out there in the night?
People banging about and giggling Did you hear it?
I didn't hear anything, and how long do we have to put up with this vile object up here?
It's like something out of Lord of the Flies.
What's the matter with it? I thought it was rather unusual
You're unusual
Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back sticks of rock or seashells But no
You've been in that mood ever since we got back last week
Holidays can't last forever, you know
-Did you bring the milk in? -I haven't had a chance
(PHONE RINGING)
4291
Oh
Oh, hello
What a lovely surprise
I don't believe
And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!
-I mean, what the hell is it? -It's a cake
Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake
I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants
I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep?
Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank
Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day
That's that new block of old people's flats up near the park
You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up
I don't see why They're completely different
I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank One's got an ''apostrophe s''
Don't let him dribble all over it Take him out for his walk or something
Yes, you have been dribbling a lot lately, haven't you?
Perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key
in Mr Meldrew's back garden the other week, hmm?
It wouldn't surprise me if you had trained him to do that
The poor man hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight
Yes, it is a shame, isn't it?
Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work its way through in the fullness of time
Won't it, Denzil?
Evil Pathologically evil
Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man
I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all?
Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here
I made a point of saving them all up for you while you were away
How very thoughtful of you
Yes
And Pippa said to give you these Marigold rubber gloves
I think they're the right size Anything else you might require?
A pair of tweezers or
Thank you I think I can manage
Good
Well, I'll leave you to it, then Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt I think you'd better come out the front
A big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house
I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage
What sort of damage?
It's no good I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes
Think I've got that complementary Dan-Air mask in here somewhere
Bloody milk tanker
I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake?
I'm going to be suing that dairy for every penny they've got I can tell you that
Oh, God
There must be something better in life than this
It's not my fault if people treat our estate like a Scalextric track
I'd have put a pair of trousers over it but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat
Morning, noon and night If it's not one thing, it's another
Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it
Am I?
What do you mean, ''am I?''
I don't know what I mean
You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise
Yes
And, um, I may be late back tonight because I'm going to have a drink with someone
Oh, yes? Who's that?
Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to
Do you have to stick that thing down there?
Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug I've tried everything else
Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight
Absolutely typical
Right So don't feel you have to wait up or anything
-And I'll see you later -Right Have a good time Bye
Get in there, you
That's got you
Now then
where have you gone?
I don't believe it
There we are That's the letter to the dairy expressing my views on their tanker drivers
I hope you can read the writing I got a bit carried away once I got started
No, it all seems fine
I'll get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer
It'll carry a lot more weight You off out now, then?
Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy
so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match since the telly's conked out
All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then
-Right That's great Thanks very much Bye -Bye
AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket
There we are, my lovely
Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we?
Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle
1 9 River's Bank This is definitely the one
Hello? Anybody home?
Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back from the hospital
Perhaps he's in the garden or something
She's still very sedated I think we should put her straight to bed
Up we go This way That's it
Up we go And that's it
Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake
Thank you
-Margaret -Hello, Ben
-You're looking radiant -Well, I don't feel it
Thank you
This past week has been one long horror story
I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all The holiday and you
Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled
-Would you bring us another, please? -Certainly, sir
I always think there's nothing worse than warm champagne
Especially tonight
It's good to see you again
Five-nil
Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book
Bloody thing
If the council don't come round about that tomorrow,
I'm going to take a hammer and smash that bulb in
I've just about had enough of it
Are you awake?
Did you have a nice time tonight?
(MURMURING)
and by now, he's virtually at war with every neighbour on the estate
-Talk about never a dull moment -I know
He's just frightful, isn't he?
I don't know why you should have to put up with it
Costa Rican or Columbian?
-What do you mean? -Columbian
Well, 35 years saddled to that
He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers
in the Chamber of Horrors
Is it the Brides in the Bath chap?
Mind you, married to him, most women would be leaping head first into the acid
How you've stuck it all these years, I find quite astonishing
Someone
as warm and sensitive
It's never too late, Margaret, even at our time of life,
to change direction
What was that for?
Just kissing you goodbye, Ben
What do you mean?
It's like Christmas presents, isn't it?
They always look so exciting and full of promise sitting there under the Christmas tree
And then once you've opened them, all the mystery's gone
Be much better to leave them as they are with their wrapping paper on
That way you'll never be disappointed
And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on
Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected
and I couldn't bear that to happen
But how can you say that?
If you don't reject me, I would never reject you
I meant one of the three of us
You talk about being sensitive I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble
He's the most sensitive person I've ever met
and that's why I love him,
and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen
I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben, and now I'm going
-Margaret, you -Oh
Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?
No
I really don't think you do
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(VICTOR GROANING)
Who the hell is that at this hour?
All right I'll go
VICTOR: All right, all right, all right Keep your shirt on
What were you doing leaving the catch on?
How do you expect me to get back in?
(STAMMERING)
Sorry I'm later than I said
I suppose you were starting to worry where I'd got to Well
it's a bit of a story and I might as well come clean and tell you
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Who is she?
(STAMMERING)
Have you Have you been
You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she?
I thought it was you
Thank you very much
Where did she come from?
And what on earth is she doing? And why the bloody hell am I whispering?
This is my bedroom
I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?
To come home and find your husband has taken up necrophilia
Excuse me! Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here?
(SCREAMING)
My God, no, no, no It's all right Calm down No one's going to harm you
(SHRIEKING)
It's all right It's all
(SHRIEKING)
PATRICK: Oh, my God
-This is absolutely macabre -PIPPA: What is?
It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses,
but there appears to be some sort of wild creature crawling out onto that lamppost
It's all wrinkled and horrible
Like something out of that Ken Russell movie
The Lair of the White Worm.
I need a tissue
Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now
I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit
My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman
What is this, Patrick?
You've had this all along, haven't you?
You've deliberately made him keep searching through all those disgusting
I don't believe you
How long has this been in here?
He coughed it up Um, it must have been
few minutes after he swallowed it and I just
I was going to give it back
eventually
So there we are
I'm sorry about all the to-do over it,
-but dogs will be dogs, I suppose -Yeah
Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it?
That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it?
To get it back for you and clean it up and everything
Hmm?
Oh, yes
Thank you very much
-So all's well again, I hope -I hope so
Oh, your letter
I've only just printed it up so I haven't had time to check it through,
-but I don't think there'll be any mistakes -Thanks very much
-Thanks very much for the coffee -Oh, our pleasure
-Bye then -Bye-bye, Pippa
Yes, thank you
Well, that seemed to go quite well
Perhaps now at last we can resume normal neighbourly relations
Hmm
What was that letter you said you typed up for him?
Oh, just a letter to the dairy
About compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost
It was only a couple of pages You didn't mind, did you?
Dairy?
Oh, my God, no
You didn't name the file ''Dairy''?
Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened?
Oh, no
I didn't
I'm rather afraid you did
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #