1
00:00:02,047 --> 00:00:04,686
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
2
00:00:20,847 --> 00:00:22,963
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
3
00:00:33,127 --> 00:00:37,678
Switchboard operators Say they're gonna put you
through and then leave you here to rot to death
4
00:00:41,607 --> 00:00:44,599
And speak to you like an insect into the bargain
5
00:00:46,327 --> 00:00:47,806
Have I've been cut Hello?
6
00:00:47,887 --> 00:00:52,119
Yes I don't know if you remember me,
Victor Meldrew, the talking cockroach
7
00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:54,721
I'm one of your jurors in jury service this week
8
00:00:54,807 --> 00:00:59,437
and I was just ringing up to see
if I'd be required again tomorrow or I should
9
00:01:00,367 --> 00:01:01,436
Ah
10
00:01:02,247 --> 00:01:04,397
Right Thank you then Bye
11
00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:09,841
Five days on the trot,
I haven't even set foot inside a courtroom yet
12
00:01:11,247 --> 00:01:13,238
You can't do anything else when you're on call
13
00:01:13,327 --> 00:01:16,125
Can't organise anything, can't plan anything
14
00:01:17,047 --> 00:01:18,878
Gives you the willies
15
00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:27,324
I suppose you're going to keep that
up all day now, are you, as well?
16
00:01:27,407 --> 00:01:28,681
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
17
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:31,361
I swear blind there's someone up there watching
18
00:01:31,447 --> 00:01:33,881
''Yes, I think I can just see Meldrew
19
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:37,516
''unwinding the flex on his lawnmower,
let's piss it down''
20
00:01:39,887 --> 00:01:44,677
Hundred and one things to do out there
and I'm stuck in here like the Prisoner of Zenda
21
00:01:49,087 --> 00:01:52,875
I wonder if I was to pick that scab off,
it would start bleeding
22
00:01:56,687 --> 00:01:59,645
All dried up now like a Kellogg's bran flake
23
00:02:01,687 --> 00:02:04,599
Leave it alone, for goodness sake
It will come off on its own
24
00:02:04,687 --> 00:02:07,076
Let it take its natural course
25
00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:20,836
What makes you yawn
apart from anything starring Robert Mitchum?
26
00:02:24,287 --> 00:02:26,755
Reflex, I suppose
27
00:02:40,047 --> 00:02:41,446
(HUMMING)
28
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:53,162
Oh!
29
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:57,965
There you are Couldn't wait, could you?
Just couldn't leave it alone!
30
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:02,120
Now you've made it a hundred times worse
I knew that would happen
31
00:03:05,407 --> 00:03:08,001
I wonder if you can get tetanus
from a Barclaycard
32
00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:14,319
The things you can cut yourself on these days
never ceases to amaze me
33
00:03:17,887 --> 00:03:19,764
What does lockjaw feel like?
34
00:03:22,207 --> 00:03:24,243
Probably feels like this
35
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:28,837
I feel sick now with all that
36
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:32,598
Getting that colicky sensation back again
37
00:03:34,207 --> 00:03:36,357
Abdominal disorders
38
00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:39,521
Abdominal disorders, where are we
39
00:03:41,687 --> 00:03:43,040
My God!
40
00:03:43,687 --> 00:03:45,439
''Colon tumour
41
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:49,285
''Often no symptoms in the early stages''
42
00:03:49,807 --> 00:03:51,604
Exactly what I've got
43
00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:55,035
Stop it
44
00:03:56,247 --> 00:03:57,999
Oh! I've seen it again
45
00:03:58,087 --> 00:04:01,079
Every time I go through this medical book,
I try not to see it
46
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:03,601
and it always falls open at the same page
47
00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:05,996
Zip fastener injuries!
48
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:09,242
Ooh!
49
00:04:09,327 --> 00:04:11,966
Makes you weep just at that thought
50
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:16,404
I shall have to stick a thimble
on the end again now, seeing that
51
00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:21,479
Put it away and stop fretting about everything
52
00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:31,720
That crack wasn't
as long as that yesterday, surely
53
00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:36,997
Look at that
I can get my fingernail right in there now
54
00:04:37,087 --> 00:04:38,805
That wasn't like that before
55
00:04:40,527 --> 00:04:42,358
Ground subsidence
56
00:04:43,807 --> 00:04:46,082
Ground subsidence
57
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:51,042
Is this floor sloping to one side now?
58
00:04:51,887 --> 00:04:55,038
Or is it the stockings
sliding about inside my slippers?
59
00:04:56,967 --> 00:04:58,719
Oh, please!
60
00:04:59,047 --> 00:05:01,322
You'll drive yourself up the bloody wall
61
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:04,044
It's just shrinkage
62
00:05:04,127 --> 00:05:07,961
The house is not going to suddenly collapse
on top of your head
63
00:05:13,127 --> 00:05:17,405
What are you doing up there, strutting
around as though you own the lampshade?
64
00:05:18,247 --> 00:05:21,478
Well, I'm sorry, matey,
we're not going to have any of that
65
00:05:22,087 --> 00:05:23,918
Thank you very much
66
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:27,118
Where do daddy longlegs come from?
67
00:05:27,447 --> 00:05:29,915
Saw one flitting up and down
the shower curtain this morning
68
00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:32,919
till I managed to slow him down
with some hair lacquer
69
00:05:34,927 --> 00:05:36,645
Just a little quirk of mine
70
00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:39,685
I never share a bath
with anything that's got six legs
71
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,963
Earwigs, bumble bees
72
00:05:47,487 --> 00:05:49,443
The Dudley Moore Trio
73
00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:55,206
Now the trick here is to get a hold of him
without breaking too many of his
74
00:05:55,287 --> 00:05:57,005
Ooh Bugger it
75
00:05:59,687 --> 00:06:02,963
Come here, come here Got you
76
00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:12,436
Go on What are you waiting for, a parachute?
77
00:06:15,847 --> 00:06:19,601
He'll be all right now
He's limped straight into that Lucozade can
78
00:06:21,007 --> 00:06:22,520
And good riddance!
79
00:06:24,647 --> 00:06:27,366
Have to have some jollop for this stomach
It's no good
80
00:06:32,047 --> 00:06:33,958
Now, where is it?
81
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:36,759
Pepto-Bismol
82
00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:48,838
Never know whether to drink this stuff
or clean the windows with it
83
00:06:56,927 --> 00:06:58,326
''Caution
84
00:06:58,407 --> 00:07:02,036
''This medication can lead
to darkening of the stool''
85
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:12,243
I sincerely hope not
86
00:07:14,887 --> 00:07:18,800
Now that's something I could be doing
Cleaning those Venetian blinds
87
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:21,526
They're filthy and caked in dust!
88
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:24,326
I've been putting that job off for months now
89
00:07:31,127 --> 00:07:35,439
Oh, God! I'm bored out of my skull
90
00:07:37,087 --> 00:07:40,284
And I swear this is getting stiffer by the minute
91
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,555
I'll probably be dead by 5:30
92
00:07:46,207 --> 00:07:51,076
''Man contracts horrific muscular disorder
in order to avoid watching Neighbours. ''
93
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:59,443
What in the name of bloody hell!
94
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:03,200
I do not believe it!
95
00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:06,325
In the name of sanity, I do
96
00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:08,726
That's it
97
00:08:08,807 --> 00:08:12,561
That is just about the absolute limit
of all bloody time
98
00:08:17,087 --> 00:08:19,442
I mean, what was he Hello!
99
00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:23,157
Yes I'd like to speak to the manager, please,
and be quick about it
100
00:08:24,367 --> 00:08:25,641
Meldrew!
101
00:08:26,247 --> 00:08:28,124
No, he doesn't, but he will shortly
102
00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:34,726
Hello! Is that Mr PT Sturgeon?
103
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,322
Yes, well, it's about the large yucca plant
104
00:08:37,407 --> 00:08:40,285
your garden centre
delivered to my house this morning
105
00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:43,677
Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name,
it may have been Frank Spencer
106
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:49,644
Well, I'll tell you exactly
what the problem is, Mr Sturgeon
107
00:08:49,727 --> 00:08:52,002
I was out the back working in the garden
when he arrived
108
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:56,080
so I asked him if, for the time being,
he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me
109
00:08:56,167 --> 00:09:00,046
And do you know what he's done?
He's only planted it in the pan!
110
00:09:02,927 --> 00:09:04,121
Yes
111
00:09:04,727 --> 00:09:07,924
Yes Actually in the lavatory pan
112
00:09:08,007 --> 00:09:10,077
with compost and everything!
113
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:14,638
I mean, how anyone could be so utterly goofy
just boggles the mind!
114
00:09:18,807 --> 00:09:21,401
A mistake anyone could have made?
115
00:09:22,887 --> 00:09:25,640
Are you stark
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
116
00:09:25,727 --> 00:09:28,878
Cock my leg against the trunk
like a Yorkshire Terrier?
117
00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:32,486
No, I would not!
118
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,603
I'll do it myself, thank you very much
119
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:36,803
And in future,
I suggest you try and hire some people
120
00:09:36,887 --> 00:09:39,242
with a bit of common sense between their ears!
121
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,727
Put it in the downstairs toilet
122
00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:58,886
(SIGHING)
123
00:10:00,247 --> 00:10:03,683
Perhaps I'll have a stab at the cryptic crossword
124
00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:05,476
Yes
125
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,438
Now, what did I do with it?
126
00:10:11,927 --> 00:10:13,076
There
127
00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:22,076
Now, one across
128
00:10:22,927 --> 00:10:26,397
''Mad poet mugged by banjo player
129
00:10:26,487 --> 00:10:28,603
''sees red when eating pickles''
130
00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,558
Three and four
131
00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:33,605
Mad poet
132
00:10:35,207 --> 00:10:37,767
mugged by banjo player
133
00:10:40,247 --> 00:10:43,319
sees red when eating pickles
134
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:52,644
Um, five across
135
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:58,122
''Bag eggnog but get a tad bugged''
136
00:10:58,927 --> 00:11:00,406
Four letters
137
00:11:02,887 --> 00:11:06,357
Bag eggnog
138
00:11:09,087 --> 00:11:11,203
but get a tad bugged
139
00:11:17,407 --> 00:11:18,635
Two down
140
00:11:18,727 --> 00:11:23,039
Um, ''Elk's ego gets my goat
141
00:11:23,647 --> 00:11:26,639
''Head of MI5 upset the French
142
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:30,397
''by reversing into dad's underpants
143
00:11:30,687 --> 00:11:32,245
''It's a doddle''
144
00:11:37,487 --> 00:11:41,366
Elk's ego gets my goat
145
00:11:45,807 --> 00:11:47,206
(SIGHING)
146
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:50,085
I'm sorry I don't seem to be able
to do the crossword today
147
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,523
as I appear to be temporarily
out of mind-bending drugs
148
00:11:53,807 --> 00:11:56,196
I mean, who compiles the thing anyway?
149
00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:01,395
When's that next hospital appointment?
150
00:12:02,407 --> 00:12:04,967
I've an idea it's next week
151
00:12:12,527 --> 00:12:15,644
Yes, Tuesday at 1 0:00
152
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:22,395
Yes I suppose that'll be
another barrel of chuckles
153
00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:28,036
Having my most intimate areas probed by
a consultant that looks like Yasser Arafat
154
00:12:30,687 --> 00:12:35,158
Still, not her fault, I suppose Can't help her looks
155
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,766
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
156
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:40,326
(SIGHING)
157
00:12:40,407 --> 00:12:46,118
Please, let it not be Mrs Warboys
to tell me about her holiday in Cork
158
00:12:46,607 --> 00:12:51,044
A blow-by-blow account
of every second of every day
159
00:12:51,127 --> 00:12:53,277
Please, anything but that
160
00:12:53,927 --> 00:12:55,326
4-2-9-1
161
00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:57,235
WOMAN: Good morning.
162
00:12:57,327 --> 00:12:59,761
Good morning, Mrs Warboys How was Cork?
163
00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:05,762
Yes Lovely! Mmm-hmm
164
00:13:06,447 --> 00:13:08,085
Yes, well, I'd love to chat
165
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:12,718
but I'm afraid I'm actually in the middle
of jury service at this precise moment
166
00:13:14,887 --> 00:13:17,321
Yes, you told us that in the postcard
167
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:19,803
Yes, you told us that as well
168
00:13:20,607 --> 00:13:24,520
Yes, very interesting Mmm-hmm, uh-huh
169
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:33,925
Bloody hell
170
00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:37,523
How long has that been there for?
171
00:13:38,847 --> 00:13:40,519
Bloody pens!
172
00:13:54,727 --> 00:13:56,683
Now where's my flannel got to?
173
00:13:56,767 --> 00:14:01,079
I leave it on the rail and she has to put it away
''so we know where things are''
174
00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:05,519
I mean, it doesn't work, does it?
'Cause I bloody well don't know where it is
175
00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:08,519
''The riddle of the Bermuda Triangle
was finally solved today
176
00:14:08,607 --> 00:14:11,565
''when it was revealed
that Mrs Margaret Meldrew of 1 9 River Bank
177
00:14:11,647 --> 00:14:15,435
''had for the past 50 years
been putting all the ships and planes away
178
00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:17,563
''so we'd know where they were''
179
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,086
Madness
180
00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:26,757
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
181
00:14:38,647 --> 00:14:40,285
(MRS WARBOYS TALKING ON PHONE)
182
00:14:40,367 --> 00:14:41,766
Oh, yes?
183
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:44,286
Yeah Uh-huh?
184
00:14:51,887 --> 00:14:54,765
The top of this radiator is completely cold again
185
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:06,320
(EXCLAIMS)
186
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:10,327
What the hell is the matter with this thing?
187
00:15:10,407 --> 00:15:12,159
Bleeding radiators
188
00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:16,842
Bleeding radiators, what would that come under?
189
00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:18,920
Here we are
190
00:15:19,447 --> 00:15:22,883
''The flow is reduced to a scorching hot dribble
191
00:15:23,727 --> 00:15:26,161
''See under Chronic Cystitis''
192
00:15:31,687 --> 00:15:33,439
Wrong ruddy book now
193
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,399
Oh, I see
194
00:15:48,927 --> 00:15:50,042
Lovely
195
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,362
Yes, right, but Yeah, right
196
00:15:53,447 --> 00:15:56,041
Yes, bye, Mrs Warboys
197
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,006
(SIGHING)
198
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:10,239
There must be something constructive you can do
199
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:14,159
What about that letter to Alfred?
That's long overdue
200
00:16:15,487 --> 00:16:19,196
Now, see if I can get a pen here that doesn't leak
201
00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:28,555
Dear Alfred,
202
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:35,605
thank you very much
203
00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,762
for your last letter
204
00:16:39,407 --> 00:16:41,557
and the nude photographs
205
00:16:43,527 --> 00:16:45,836
No, I don't think he'd appreciate that
206
00:16:47,847 --> 00:16:52,557
Six months old I was there
And I don't look any different from what I am now
207
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,245
Might have put some clothes on
before they took it
208
00:16:58,007 --> 00:16:59,884
Not a bad little body, though
209
00:17:00,927 --> 00:17:03,361
Fancy keeping all these all this time
210
00:17:06,607 --> 00:17:08,165
(RUSTLING)
211
00:17:17,887 --> 00:17:18,876
Mmm!
212
00:17:23,687 --> 00:17:24,915
Dear Alfred,
213
00:17:26,727 --> 00:17:31,801
I'm sorry I haven't written sooner
214
00:17:33,327 --> 00:17:37,320
but it is all go at this end
215
00:17:52,367 --> 00:17:54,562
I can't think of anything else to write now
216
00:17:57,287 --> 00:17:59,755
Perhaps I'll write to him when I've got more time
217
00:18:02,927 --> 00:18:06,681
I'm sorry, Mr Woodlouse
You weren't going anywhere special, were you?
218
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:14,276
Any more of you while I'm at it?
219
00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:18,963
No, you've all scuttled off for cover, haven't you?
Till I leave the room
220
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:22,756
Breed like bloody wildfire Must be sex-mad
221
00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:31,246
I could just eat a plate of chips now
222
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:37,636
With two runny fried eggs and OK Fruity Sauce
223
00:18:43,487 --> 00:18:47,116
No Had that yesterday
224
00:18:48,487 --> 00:18:50,603
Had it the day before as well
225
00:18:50,687 --> 00:18:52,757
I'll soon start to look like a chip
226
00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:56,643
Have to have something healthier today
to balance it out
227
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:02,203
Have an organic rice cake with cottage cheese on
228
00:19:06,327 --> 00:19:08,602
Of course, I could always grill the chips
229
00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:13,002
No Not as nice as cooking them in fat
That's the best part of it
230
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:18,001
Ate a whole slab
of Cadbury's Diary Milk yesterday
231
00:19:19,487 --> 00:19:22,843
All in one go
One of those massive half-pound blocks
232
00:19:22,927 --> 00:19:24,883
Made me feel totally sick
233
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,005
Swore I'd never do that again
234
00:19:41,407 --> 00:19:42,681
Just
235
00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:48,403
I'll just have two small squares for now
236
00:19:49,327 --> 00:19:50,919
Won't do any harm
237
00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:10,083
Oh, there's four and a half there
238
00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:12,601
Never mind
239
00:20:24,007 --> 00:20:28,159
''The Lord is thy judge
He is all-seeing and all-knowing
240
00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:30,044
''He knoweth when thou sineth
241
00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:33,676
''and when lust and licentious burn in thy breast
242
00:20:37,127 --> 00:20:40,961
''And he knoweth you called us
a pair of persistent bastards last week
243
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:45,837
''and told us to sod off and leave you in peace
May the Lord have mercy on your soul''
244
00:20:48,007 --> 00:20:50,646
They must've written that last bit on themselves
245
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:08,600
I suppose I was a bit harsh on them that day
246
00:21:09,487 --> 00:21:12,843
I suppose if I was religious
I wouldn't have killed that woodlouse
247
00:21:12,927 --> 00:21:14,599
He wasn't doing anyone any harm
248
00:21:14,687 --> 00:21:16,917
Just waddling across the floor,
minding his own business
249
00:21:17,007 --> 00:21:19,475
Going for a quiet stroll along the gripper rod
250
00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:26,196
For no apparent reason
I just callously murdered it in cold blood
251
00:21:27,807 --> 00:21:29,001
Discrimination
252
00:21:29,807 --> 00:21:32,321
Didn't do that with the daddy longlegs, did I?
253
00:21:32,407 --> 00:21:36,525
No, he was picked up with a nice fluffy duster
and shaken out of the window
254
00:21:37,807 --> 00:21:40,002
Talk about a classless society
255
00:21:41,087 --> 00:21:44,318
Just couldn't believe that last election result
256
00:21:44,407 --> 00:21:48,559
It's like hiring a man-eating shark
as your children's swimming instructor
257
00:21:49,447 --> 00:21:54,441
''Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time
but I still think it deserves another chance''
258
00:21:59,047 --> 00:22:03,245
Oh, come on You didn't come up here
for anything specific in the first place
259
00:22:28,007 --> 00:22:32,558
I know what I'll have to cheer myself up
Beans on toast
260
00:22:33,647 --> 00:22:37,196
Always enjoy that with sunflower margarine
261
00:22:49,087 --> 00:22:53,160
I got stuck behind that same old weirdo
in the supermarket yesterday
262
00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:56,159
The one with the permanent boil
on the back of his head
263
00:22:57,007 --> 00:22:59,726
It never seems to get any smaller
or heal up or anything
264
00:22:59,807 --> 00:23:02,196
Not as long as I've been shopping there
265
00:23:02,527 --> 00:23:04,040
First time I saw it
266
00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:07,961
I thought he was wearing one of those
Comic Relief noses back to front as a joke
267
00:23:11,487 --> 00:23:12,522
Come on
268
00:23:13,807 --> 00:23:16,799
Yes, an adventure and a half going into that place
269
00:23:16,887 --> 00:23:18,605
Always something happening
270
00:23:19,767 --> 00:23:22,998
One of the bakery staff lost his toupee
the other day
271
00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:27,162
Came out with a tray of baps
wearing a tea towel on his head
272
00:23:28,647 --> 00:23:30,717
You can't tell me that's hygienic
273
00:23:34,567 --> 00:23:36,239
This shirt is getting too small
274
00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:39,797
Look at that Just a great mound of crisps,
chocolate and chips
275
00:23:40,927 --> 00:23:43,157
I shall have to start cutting down the
276
00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:46,561
Oh, no
277
00:23:47,047 --> 00:23:50,483
Oh, no Please, not that
Where did that come from?
278
00:23:51,487 --> 00:23:52,886
A new mole!
279
00:23:54,727 --> 00:23:58,879
That's something you never want to see
That must've come up overnight
280
00:23:59,727 --> 00:24:01,445
That wasn't there before this
281
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:11,841
What's the point?
You know it all off by heart anyway
282
00:24:12,247 --> 00:24:13,600
Just keep calm
283
00:24:14,527 --> 00:24:18,645
You're going to see a skin specialist next Tuesday,
you can show it to her
284
00:24:21,807 --> 00:24:23,957
I might be dead by next Tuesday
285
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:28,921
Oh, God!
286
00:24:30,207 --> 00:24:31,276
That's it
287
00:24:32,487 --> 00:24:33,636
I'm finished
288
00:24:36,167 --> 00:24:37,600
It's all over
289
00:24:40,607 --> 00:24:44,600
You know what this is
This is your punishment for killing that woodlouse
290
00:24:45,727 --> 00:24:48,639
Probably a capital offence if I did but know it
291
00:24:52,567 --> 00:24:55,081
''And may the Lord have mercy on your soul''
292
00:24:56,767 --> 00:25:00,726
I've been tried, convicted and sentenced
all in the space of ten minutes
293
00:25:02,287 --> 00:25:03,515
(SIGHING)
294
00:25:05,487 --> 00:25:07,876
Still, I've had a good life
295
00:25:11,287 --> 00:25:13,118
I've had a bloody awful life!
296
00:25:18,407 --> 00:25:24,198
Well, I suppose you may as well write a farewell
letter to your brother and get it over with
297
00:25:31,327 --> 00:25:32,555
Dear Alfred,
298
00:25:36,847 --> 00:25:39,998
this is probably
299
00:25:40,327 --> 00:25:43,763
the last time I
300
00:25:46,567 --> 00:25:47,966
I don't believe
301
00:25:49,447 --> 00:25:51,756
Am I seeing things or
302
00:26:00,687 --> 00:26:05,078
(LAUGHING) Oh, no It's in the same place!
It's the same
303
00:26:05,487 --> 00:26:08,206
Hold on, it might be a speck in the negative
304
00:26:09,647 --> 00:26:12,207
Oh, no, it's definitely there
305
00:26:12,287 --> 00:26:16,565
It's been there all the time, for 61 years!
306
00:26:17,007 --> 00:26:20,363
Absolutely incredible
I've had a mole on my stomach all my life
307
00:26:20,447 --> 00:26:22,403
and I've only seen it this day
308
00:26:22,487 --> 00:26:24,557
Oh, thank you for that
309
00:26:26,327 --> 00:26:30,320
Oh, God, sentenced to death
and I managed to get off with life
310
00:26:32,807 --> 00:26:36,402
I'll never be rude to another Jehovah's Witness
for as long as I live
311
00:26:39,567 --> 00:26:41,842
I'll never be rude to anyone again
312
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:44,445
I mean, let's face it
313
00:26:44,527 --> 00:26:49,442
If you've got your health,
what else is there possibly to worry about?
314
00:26:50,647 --> 00:26:54,925
I mean, you just don't know how well off you are
315
00:26:58,407 --> 00:27:02,195
What in the name of bloody hell?
316
00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:06,842
I do not believe it!
317
00:27:18,527 --> 00:27:19,880
''J
318
00:27:19,967 --> 00:27:23,960
''JL Denkins, hairpieces of distinction''
319
00:27:24,047 --> 00:27:26,766
Well, that just about takes the biscuit!
320
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:31,196
I mean,
dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough!
321
00:27:31,287 --> 00:27:34,757
I mean, he must've realised that it had come off,
for God's sake!
322
00:27:34,847 --> 00:27:39,159
Well, this is just about it This is the absolute
bloody limit of all bloody time!
323
00:27:40,407 --> 00:27:42,762
I mean, what am I going to find next?
324
00:27:42,847 --> 00:27:45,281
A false arm in the French stick?
325
00:27:45,367 --> 00:27:48,723
Glass eyes staring up at me
out of the coconut meringues?
326
00:27:56,727 --> 00:27:59,195
Absolutely bloody hideous!
327
00:27:59,807 --> 00:28:03,243
It'd be much more sensible
wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head!
328
00:28:03,327 --> 00:28:05,397
How anyone could Hello! Yes
329
00:28:05,527 --> 00:28:08,883
I'd like to speak to the manager, please
And quick about it
330
00:28:08,967 --> 00:28:10,082
Meldrew
331
00:28:10,607 --> 00:28:13,167
No, he doesn't, but he bloody well will shortly!
332
00:28:15,767 --> 00:28:17,962
I'll tell you exactly what the problem is!
333
00:28:18,047 --> 00:28:21,164
I have just bought a large loaf of your
334
00:28:21,247 --> 00:28:22,441
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
335
00:28:22,527 --> 00:28:25,041
went to cut a slice off
and do you know what I found inside?
336
00:28:25,127 --> 00:28:27,436
Only somebody's bloody toupee!
337
00:28:28,007 --> 00:28:31,716
I mean, what in the name of sanity is going on
in that establishment?
338
00:28:33,367 --> 00:28:36,518
# They say I might as well face the truth
339
00:28:36,607 --> 00:28:39,997
# That I am just too long in the tooth
340
00:28:40,087 --> 00:28:43,636
# I've started to deteriorate
341
00:28:43,727 --> 00:28:47,003
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
342
00:28:47,087 --> 00:28:50,682
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
343
00:28:50,767 --> 00:28:53,964
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
344
00:28:54,047 --> 00:28:57,357
#And my old knees have started to knock
345
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,758
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
346
00:29:00,927 --> 00:29:04,806
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
347
00:29:04,887 --> 00:29:08,402
# It's true that my body has seen better days
348
00:29:08,487 --> 00:29:12,275
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
349
00:29:12,527 --> 00:29:14,643
# One foot in the grave
350
00:29:15,887 --> 00:29:18,082
# One foot in the grave
351
00:29:19,367 --> 00:29:22,006
# One foot in the grave #