# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
MAN: (OVER RADIO) So on line 2 we have Patrick.
Good evening to you, Patrick. And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz?
PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um,
put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman.
If I tell you a few weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts
when I was asleep in the garden,
and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs,
like a passenger on a tube train, uh, you'll get some idea of the problem.
What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal,
to try and patch things up.
I just wonder if we should risk it?
MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this. But I think on balance, I would...
Is something wrong with this phone?
Oh, sorry, yes! It only takes incoming calls at the moment
They were supposed to have fixed it
Is everything all right, Jean? You've been really fidgety all night
Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down?
Why, whatever is it?
(LAUGHING)
It's
I think I'm going to be sick
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it
I think Chris is having an affair
Very good, very good
An affair? Who with?
You know the woman who lives two doors along from us,
lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident?
Well, a couple of weeks ago,
this flew off her washing line and into my garden
You see where all this
The colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here, at the bottom?
-Yes, but what's that got to do -Acne gel
Sorry?
It's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night
The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same
Oh, Jean, you can't be serious
His head's been on this pillow, Margaret I know it has
I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything, but
Well
Perhaps we'll soon have some proof
I've hired a private detective to follow him about,
see if they go anywhere together
I've got to find out, Margaret, one way or the other
If I did find out he'd been
Oh, I don't know what I'd do
I think I I just might kill myself
(GUFFAWING)
Spam, spam, baked beans and spam
That's very funny, very funny
I know, Jean But you can't just
Well
Why don't you phone the conference hotel and put your mind at rest?
Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch
But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow
Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening
And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here at half past
Oh, God knows, Jean
They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat
A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army.
Yes, yes, all right, I will
And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye
Are you coming to bed tonight or what?
Remember you've got a job to go to tomorrow morning
I'll be up in time for work I just want to test this out for tomorrow,
make sure it's in working order
Utterly pathetic
Oh!
I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time?
Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming He had a bit of a heart scare last week
I thought we'd never get the stains out
It's a good job we've got a red carpet is all I can say
(POPPING)
What happened there? That's not supposed to do that
(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)
I don't believe it!
You can go down this time, I've had enough for one day
-FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan? -What?
Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please? Come on, lads
-Look! -Straight through
I did not call the sodding fire brigade
My house is not on fire, will you please go away!
Oh, isn't it?
Sorry, lads, as you were
This is the third time this week your lot have been round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate, we've got to take every call seriously
Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are that keep ringing us up?
No!
Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back
MARGARET: We've drawn up a shortlist of 5,000 names!
Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you
Good night!
Bastards
Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open?
Sorry?
Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually
Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that
Busy old road, isn't it? How are you settling now, all right?
Very well thank you Picked it up straight away, no problems of any kind
Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes
No one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then?
-(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam? -No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't
There's no point in making you a bag of nerves before you start
That's just what you don't want
In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods licence withdrawn
After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor
Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon? What about my predecessor?
Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children
Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie? What are you talking about?
Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00
So see you about, I expect,
and don't go worrying about articulated lorries, you'll be absolutely fine
Articulated
(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)
Oh, a bit of a to-do out here by the looks of things
Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew
You got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal?
Oh, shit!
I've got to dash I've put some coffee out if you want to help yourself
-Your money's on the kitchen table -Champion Thanks very much
Oh, you're off early
Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop
And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch
I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight
Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials
Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge
-I'll see you later! -Yes, bye!
Ah, here we are What did I tell you, my horoscope for the day
''Do not under any circumstances go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's
''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist''
I would ring up and cancel but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really?
Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight
I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time
Stingray up the rectum?
Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin
Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door?
Um, yup
Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth!
Oh, very good, very good
Mmm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones
Now the magic formula
Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder
in a cup of water
And one half ''tsp'' of cumin
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Harold, are you well? Come on in
Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down
I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight and I'll be right with you
Oh, you need a hand with that
I mean, what is it?
Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure out of rowing with our neighbours?
Yes
Anyone would think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something,
the way you carry on
They're just a normal couple like you and me, trying to lead normal everyday lives
(MAN SCREAMING)
I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes
Hello? Um, ambulance, as quick as you can, please
British Telecom
Never repair your phones Come on
MARGARET: Victor!
Who are you ringing? What's happened?
It's old Mr Henstridge, we think he may have had a heart attack
Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly Hello?
MARGARET: Leave it, leave it
Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it
Just, everybody, please go!
It's Mr Henstridge
-We think it might be his heart -Yes, we know all about it
And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't you just leave it and come back for that later?
Come on, out you Out you go!
That's it, goodbye!
Uh, how is he How is he, Jean? Is there anything there?
I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere
Oh, my God, Jean!
Help me get his head back
That's it
Now then
Wait a minute Just a second, dear
How many has he got in here?
Bloody things!
-I think he's starting to respond, Margaret -Oh!
Perhaps we should get him outside into some fresh air
Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up?
-That's it -Good
-That's it Here we go -Right
Upsy-daisy
MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it
MARGARET: That's it MRS WARBOYS: Yes
-That's it -Yes
Good fellow
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(GROANING)
Oh, no!
His pulse doesn't seem too bad now
Ambulances can take an eternity up here
Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves
Morning, Mrs Meldrew Anything I can do to help at all?
What's happened? Is he dead? I feel just about ready to join him
Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet
Would you keep that door closed!
It's all under control
We've managed to get him out of there And he seems to be all right
Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe side
You're going to be late for your next shift if you don't look lively
Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess
Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later
And
I'm sorry about all this
Right
You ready?
Right!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Afternoon, Mr Meldrew You're still in one piece, then?
Evidently
Oh, by the way, your old gentleman Mr Henstridge was fine in the end
They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty
and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea
What But This isn't Mr Henstridge
This is Mr Matthews
He hasn't got a weak heart
This is the chap your wife asked me to take down to the hospital
Asked you to take down
Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then? When I left him, he
Oh, I don't believe it
-You don't mean he's still inside the trunk! -What?
Did nobody explain there what happened?
He asked us to chain him up inside, said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat
After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet, then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key
and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock
I told them to keep searching while I went for an ambulance
I mean, surely to goodness someone must have
Oh, my God!
He's been in there now for five bloody hours!
Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise
this one's blue cheese, and I think this one's Thousand Island
-So what's this one then? -I think that's an ashtray, isn't it?
Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me
If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night,
you're going to get this lot right in your face
Can you see a butter knife at all?
Well, there's bound to be one round here somewhere
Yes, here we are
I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails at night A combine harvester?
You sure you won't join us for the evening?
Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment
Thank you, Margaret, but I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who
See how the investigation's been progressing
Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow and then you'll find
you've been worrying yourself over nothing at all, you'll see
Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon
-Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time -Oh, I will, yes!
-Bye-bye -Bye
Right then! Sorry about that
Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet
and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen,
so you just make yourselves at home
Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete
It's like spending an evening at the Munsters coming round here
You wonder what nameless horror you're gonna come across next
(MAN GROANING)
(GROANING)
Too grisly for words, surely to God
What is it now?
-Well, listen Listen to this -Let me out!
Yes, very good
You should be on The Paul Daniels Show.
Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman
That wasn't an impromptu display of my ventriloquial dexterity,
there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen
There's a body inside here
What My God!
(METALLIC RATTLING)
I can hear chains rattling inside
In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he?
MARGARET: Here we are, then
I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I?
Now, what would you like?
I think there's some martini, I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky
(PHONE RINGING)
(BEEPING)
VICTOR: Margaret? It's me.
Look, I'm on my way home and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I...
(VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE)
...Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk in the sitting room,
tied up in a sack with handcuffs on and everything...
(VOICE CRACKLING)
...out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible,
before that gormless twerp and her husband next door show up, you know what they're like.
I don't know where the key is...
(VOICE CRACKLING)
Oh, bugger this bloody...
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Oh, God above!
No, wait
We need someone who can get this thing open
(GROANING)
WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God! What have I done to deserve this?
(SOBBING)
Yes, hello Could you put me through to the fire brigade, please?
Did somebody here call us?
No reply from the Warboys residence, they must be on their way
Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring
Said it'd be a while before his back straightens out
but otherwise he's recovering quite well considering
I don't know whether this was such a good idea
I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening,
it might take her mind off this ridiculous
-Ah! -Oh!
Sorry I'm late
Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system
Oh, right So where is he, parking the car?
No No, he won't be joining us
He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things
It's all over between us, I'm afraid
We talked it all through and decided it was for the best
And as there didn't seem much point in in prolonging the agony,
he's moving in with her tomorrow morning
So it was true in the end? That woman next door but one?
Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no
Of course it wasn't That was me just barking up the wrong tree as usual
Well, who's he moving in with?
That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid
The private detective
The private
Apparently he spotted her after the first couple of days, following him around
They got chatting
He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere
when they could both go in his
Seems they just hit it off together straight away
Everything's gone just as wrong as it could have really
Yes, it generally does
One thing you can be sure about in life,
just when you think that things are never ever going to get better,
they suddenly get worse
Yes
Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how
(POPPING)
All right, everybody, no need to panic!
This is just a precaution
Somebody upstairs has set fire to a tablecloth with his candle
If you'd all like to exit through that door, we'll have it under control soon!
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #