1
00:00:02,638 --> 00:00:05,391
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:08,871
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,438 --> 00:00:12,396
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,038 --> 00:00:15,916
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:20,267
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,598 --> 00:00:23,829
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,078 --> 00:00:27,593
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,878 --> 00:00:30,517
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,438 --> 00:00:35,156
MAN: (OVER RADIO)
So on line 2 we have Patrick.
10
00:00:35,238 --> 00:00:38,514
Good evening to you, Patrick.
And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz?
11
00:00:38,798 --> 00:00:41,187
PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um,
12
00:00:41,278 --> 00:00:44,509
put simply, my wife and I live next door
to a madman.
13
00:00:44,598 --> 00:00:48,193
If I tell you a few weeks ago
he put a specially trained crab up my shorts
14
00:00:48,278 --> 00:00:49,916
when I was asleep in the garden,
15
00:00:49,998 --> 00:00:53,468
and that I had to be rushed to hospital
with it hanging between my legs,
16
00:00:53,558 --> 00:00:57,312
like a passenger on a tube train,
uh, you'll get some idea of the problem.
17
00:00:57,398 --> 00:01:01,311
What's tricky is that they've invited us
round to their house tomorrow for a meal,
18
00:01:01,398 --> 00:01:02,797
to try and patch things up.
19
00:01:02,878 --> 00:01:04,834
I just wonder if we should risk it?
20
00:01:06,158 --> 00:01:10,436
MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this.
But I think on balance, I would...
21
00:01:10,998 --> 00:01:13,353
Is something wrong with this phone?
22
00:01:13,438 --> 00:01:17,511
Oh, sorry, yes!
It only takes incoming calls at the moment
23
00:01:17,598 --> 00:01:19,634
They were supposed to have fixed it
24
00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:26,069
Is everything all right, Jean?
You've been really fidgety all night
25
00:01:27,278 --> 00:01:30,714
Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down?
26
00:01:31,038 --> 00:01:32,710
Why, whatever is it?
27
00:01:34,838 --> 00:01:36,476
(LAUGHING)
28
00:01:39,598 --> 00:01:40,951
It's
29
00:01:41,878 --> 00:01:43,550
I think I'm going to be sick
30
00:01:43,638 --> 00:01:45,390
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
31
00:01:48,558 --> 00:01:51,550
I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it
32
00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:56,877
I think Chris is having an affair
33
00:01:59,958 --> 00:02:01,949
Very good, very good
34
00:02:05,638 --> 00:02:07,310
An affair? Who with?
35
00:02:07,918 --> 00:02:10,796
You know the woman who lives two doors
along from us,
36
00:02:10,878 --> 00:02:13,836
lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident?
37
00:02:14,918 --> 00:02:17,830
Well, a couple of weeks ago,
38
00:02:17,918 --> 00:02:21,672
this flew off her washing line and into my garden
39
00:02:22,638 --> 00:02:24,515
You see where all this
40
00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:29,035
The colour's been bleached out of the stripes
down here, at the bottom?
41
00:02:29,118 --> 00:02:31,234
-Yes, but what's that got to do
-Acne gel
42
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,592
Sorry?
43
00:02:32,678 --> 00:02:35,590
It's what Chris puts
on the back of his neck every night
44
00:02:36,878 --> 00:02:40,473
The stripes on his shirt collars
are exactly the same
45
00:02:40,918 --> 00:02:44,035
Oh, Jean, you can't be serious
46
00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:47,389
His head's been on this pillow, Margaret
I know it has
47
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:55,195
I know you just think I'm being melodramatic
and everything, but
48
00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:56,677
Well
49
00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:58,908
Perhaps we'll soon have some proof
50
00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:03,950
I've hired a private detective to follow him about,
51
00:03:04,038 --> 00:03:05,869
see if they go anywhere together
52
00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:09,589
I've got to find out, Margaret,
one way or the other
53
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,349
If I did find out he'd been
54
00:03:13,398 --> 00:03:15,229
Oh, I don't know what I'd do
55
00:03:15,998 --> 00:03:19,274
I think I I just might kill myself
56
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,195
(GUFFAWING)
57
00:03:23,198 --> 00:03:25,951
Spam, spam, baked beans and spam
58
00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:29,075
That's very funny, very funny
59
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:35,677
I know, Jean But you can't just
60
00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:38,186
Well
61
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:44,475
Why don't you phone the conference hotel
and put your mind at rest?
62
00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:52,668
Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch
63
00:03:53,478 --> 00:03:56,515
But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow
64
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:00,152
Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening
65
00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:04,750
And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here
at half past
66
00:04:05,638 --> 00:04:08,198
Oh, God knows, Jean
67
00:04:08,758 --> 00:04:13,957
They all go round each other's houses once a week
and fish a hanky out of a hat
68
00:04:14,638 --> 00:04:17,357
A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army.
69
00:04:18,838 --> 00:04:21,147
Yes, yes, all right, I will
70
00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:25,271
And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye
71
00:04:26,798 --> 00:04:28,311
Are you coming to bed tonight or what?
72
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,389
Remember you've got a job
to go to tomorrow morning
73
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:33,231
I'll be up in time for work
I just want to test this out for tomorrow,
74
00:04:33,318 --> 00:04:35,149
make sure it's in working order
75
00:04:35,678 --> 00:04:37,555
Utterly pathetic
76
00:04:39,318 --> 00:04:40,433
Oh!
77
00:04:40,518 --> 00:04:45,797
I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going
to start sawing himself in half again this time?
78
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:49,713
Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming
He had a bit of a heart scare last week
79
00:04:49,798 --> 00:04:51,834
I thought we'd never get the stains out
80
00:04:51,918 --> 00:04:54,637
It's a good job we've got a red carpet
is all I can say
81
00:04:54,718 --> 00:04:56,037
(POPPING)
82
00:04:57,438 --> 00:05:00,111
What happened there?
That's not supposed to do that
83
00:05:01,998 --> 00:05:04,114
(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)
84
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,993
I don't believe it!
85
00:05:07,478 --> 00:05:10,709
You can go down this time,
I've had enough for one day
86
00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:19,956
-FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan?
-What?
87
00:05:20,038 --> 00:05:22,871
Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please?
Come on, lads
88
00:05:22,958 --> 00:05:24,277
-Look!
-Straight through
89
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,667
I did not call the sodding fire brigade
90
00:05:26,758 --> 00:05:30,307
My house is not on fire, will you please go away!
91
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,797
Oh, isn't it?
92
00:05:32,358 --> 00:05:34,189
Sorry, lads, as you were
93
00:05:35,358 --> 00:05:39,556
This is the third time this week your lot have been
round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it
94
00:05:39,638 --> 00:05:43,995
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate,
we've got to take every call seriously
95
00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:47,593
Now then, you've no idea who these
pranksters are that keep ringing us up?
96
00:05:47,678 --> 00:05:48,713
No!
97
00:05:48,798 --> 00:05:52,268
Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed
in the past who's trying to get their own back
98
00:05:52,358 --> 00:05:55,316
MARGARET: We've drawn up
a shortlist of 5,000 names!
99
00:05:57,278 --> 00:06:02,227
Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry
for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you
100
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:03,956
Good night!
101
00:06:08,398 --> 00:06:09,626
Bastards
102
00:06:27,478 --> 00:06:30,948
Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open?
103
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,633
Sorry?
104
00:06:34,278 --> 00:06:36,508
Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually
105
00:06:36,598 --> 00:06:40,113
Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative
in a job like that
106
00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:43,634
Busy old road, isn't it?
How are you settling now, all right?
107
00:06:43,998 --> 00:06:47,388
Very well thank you Picked it up straight away,
no problems of any kind
108
00:06:47,478 --> 00:06:49,867
Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes
109
00:06:49,958 --> 00:06:53,075
No one's said anything to you about
Psycho Sam as yet, then?
110
00:06:53,958 --> 00:06:56,836
-(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam?
-No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't
111
00:06:56,918 --> 00:06:59,796
There's no point in making you
a bag of nerves before you start
112
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,550
That's just what you don't want
113
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:05,677
In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had
his heavy goods licence withdrawn
114
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:08,750
After what happened last Friday afternoon
with your predecessor
115
00:07:08,838 --> 00:07:12,513
Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon?
What about my predecessor?
116
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:17,069
Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old
chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children
117
00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:19,991
Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie?
What are you talking about?
118
00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:24,475
Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop
Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00
119
00:07:24,558 --> 00:07:26,674
So see you about, I expect,
120
00:07:26,758 --> 00:07:30,546
and don't go worrying about articulated lorries,
you'll be absolutely fine
121
00:07:30,638 --> 00:07:31,673
Articulated
122
00:07:31,758 --> 00:07:33,157
(FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING)
123
00:07:33,238 --> 00:07:35,388
Oh, a bit of a to-do out here
by the looks of things
124
00:07:35,478 --> 00:07:38,038
Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew
125
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:44,715
You got a lollipop man in here
stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal?
126
00:07:49,638 --> 00:07:51,310
Oh, shit!
127
00:08:00,398 --> 00:08:03,515
I've got to dash I've put some coffee out
if you want to help yourself
128
00:08:03,598 --> 00:08:06,749
-Your money's on the kitchen table
-Champion Thanks very much
129
00:08:06,838 --> 00:08:08,271
Oh, you're off early
130
00:08:08,358 --> 00:08:11,031
Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do
a couple of hours at the shop
131
00:08:11,118 --> 00:08:13,029
And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch
132
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,473
I haven't had a minute to think about
food for tonight
133
00:08:15,558 --> 00:08:17,708
Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials
134
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:21,347
Oh, are you sure?
I think there's some mince in the fridge
135
00:08:21,478 --> 00:08:23,833
-I'll see you later!
-Yes, bye!
136
00:08:29,438 --> 00:08:32,987
Ah, here we are What did I tell you,
my horoscope for the day
137
00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:37,230
''Do not under any circumstances go round
for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's
138
00:08:37,318 --> 00:08:39,878
''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist''
139
00:08:41,238 --> 00:08:44,674
I would ring up and cancel but I suppose
it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really?
140
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,511
Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight
141
00:08:48,118 --> 00:08:51,997
I wonder what bizarre aquatic species
I can expect in the groin this time
142
00:08:53,478 --> 00:08:55,389
Stingray up the rectum?
143
00:08:56,358 --> 00:09:00,192
Perhaps I'll just get off lightly
with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin
144
00:09:03,038 --> 00:09:06,269
Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door?
145
00:09:06,798 --> 00:09:08,277
Um, yup
146
00:09:08,358 --> 00:09:11,828
Well, would you mind shoving it
in your bloody mouth!
147
00:09:16,238 --> 00:09:18,911
Oh, very good, very good
148
00:09:22,638 --> 00:09:25,630
Mmm, I think this is going to be
one of my good ones
149
00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:30,186
Now the magic formula
150
00:09:31,558 --> 00:09:34,311
Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder
151
00:09:35,518 --> 00:09:37,554
in a cup of water
152
00:09:41,398 --> 00:09:44,913
And one half ''tsp'' of cumin
153
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:52,595
(DOORBELL RINGING)
154
00:09:58,438 --> 00:10:00,315
Harold, are you well? Come on in
155
00:10:00,398 --> 00:10:02,309
Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down
156
00:10:02,398 --> 00:10:05,868
I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking
for tonight and I'll be right with you
157
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,596
Oh, you need a hand with that
158
00:10:39,638 --> 00:10:41,151
I mean, what is it?
159
00:10:41,238 --> 00:10:45,709
Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure
out of rowing with our neighbours?
160
00:10:46,838 --> 00:10:47,907
Yes
161
00:10:48,558 --> 00:10:51,595
Anyone would think we were living
in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something,
162
00:10:51,678 --> 00:10:53,430
the way you carry on
163
00:10:53,518 --> 00:10:59,036
They're just a normal couple like you and me,
trying to lead normal everyday lives
164
00:10:59,118 --> 00:11:01,109
(MAN SCREAMING)
165
00:11:40,278 --> 00:11:43,315
I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes
166
00:12:15,758 --> 00:12:19,637
Hello? Um, ambulance,
as quick as you can, please
167
00:12:21,598 --> 00:12:23,111
British Telecom
168
00:12:23,598 --> 00:12:26,066
Never repair your phones Come on
169
00:12:26,678 --> 00:12:28,475
MARGARET: Victor!
170
00:12:28,558 --> 00:12:30,992
Who are you ringing? What's happened?
171
00:12:31,078 --> 00:12:33,956
It's old Mr Henstridge,
we think he may have had a heart attack
172
00:12:34,038 --> 00:12:37,474
Right in the middle of one of his tricks,
he just suddenly Hello?
173
00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:58,028
MARGARET: Leave it, leave it
174
00:12:58,118 --> 00:13:01,793
Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it
175
00:13:01,878 --> 00:13:05,393
Just, everybody, please go!
176
00:13:07,598 --> 00:13:09,429
It's Mr Henstridge
177
00:13:09,838 --> 00:13:12,227
-We think it might be his heart
-Yes, we know all about it
178
00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:16,709
And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't
you just leave it and come back for that later?
179
00:13:16,798 --> 00:13:19,266
Come on, out you Out you go!
180
00:13:19,358 --> 00:13:21,349
That's it, goodbye!
181
00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:26,547
Uh, how is he How is he, Jean?
Is there anything there?
182
00:13:27,078 --> 00:13:30,593
I can definitely feel
a slight flutter here somewhere
183
00:13:56,518 --> 00:13:59,237
Oh, my God, Jean!
184
00:14:00,118 --> 00:14:01,710
Help me get his head back
185
00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:03,633
That's it
186
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:05,992
Now then
187
00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:20,748
Wait a minute Just a second, dear
188
00:14:29,198 --> 00:14:31,189
How many has he got in here?
189
00:14:32,518 --> 00:14:33,951
Bloody things!
190
00:14:36,198 --> 00:14:39,429
-I think he's starting to respond, Margaret
-Oh!
191
00:14:39,518 --> 00:14:42,237
Perhaps we should get him outside
into some fresh air
192
00:14:42,318 --> 00:14:44,627
Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up?
193
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:45,912
-That's it
-Good
194
00:14:45,998 --> 00:14:48,034
-That's it Here we go
-Right
195
00:14:48,118 --> 00:14:49,346
Upsy-daisy
196
00:14:49,438 --> 00:14:51,713
MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it
197
00:14:51,798 --> 00:14:53,754
MARGARET: That's it
MRS WARBOYS: Yes
198
00:14:54,638 --> 00:14:56,117
-That's it
-Yes
199
00:14:56,598 --> 00:14:58,156
Good fellow
200
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:03,996
(TOILET FLUSHING)
201
00:15:04,078 --> 00:15:05,591
(GROANING)
202
00:15:08,838 --> 00:15:10,669
Oh, no!
203
00:15:17,398 --> 00:15:19,548
His pulse doesn't seem too bad now
204
00:15:19,638 --> 00:15:22,198
Ambulances can take an eternity up here
205
00:15:22,478 --> 00:15:24,514
Maybe we should get him
to the hospital ourselves
206
00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:27,715
Morning, Mrs Meldrew
Anything I can do to help at all?
207
00:15:31,238 --> 00:15:35,516
What's happened? Is he dead?
I feel just about ready to join him
208
00:15:35,638 --> 00:15:38,027
Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet
209
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:42,314
Would you keep that door closed!
210
00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,594
It's all under control
211
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,829
We've managed to get him out of there
And he seems to be all right
212
00:15:48,918 --> 00:15:52,831
Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him
up to hospital just to be on the safe side
213
00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:55,512
You're going to be late for your next shift
if you don't look lively
214
00:15:55,598 --> 00:15:59,068
Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess
215
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,956
Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later
216
00:16:02,118 --> 00:16:03,710
And
217
00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:06,310
I'm sorry about all this
218
00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:09,830
Right
219
00:16:11,198 --> 00:16:12,597
You ready?
220
00:16:13,718 --> 00:16:15,037
Right!
221
00:17:14,758 --> 00:17:16,669
(CAR HORN HONKING)
222
00:17:19,358 --> 00:17:23,431
Afternoon, Mr Meldrew
You're still in one piece, then?
223
00:17:24,078 --> 00:17:25,591
Evidently
224
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:29,557
Oh, by the way, your old gentleman
Mr Henstridge was fine in the end
225
00:17:29,678 --> 00:17:31,669
They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty
226
00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:34,272
and I'm just trying to get him home now
in time for tea
227
00:17:34,358 --> 00:17:37,634
What But This isn't Mr Henstridge
228
00:17:38,078 --> 00:17:39,989
This is Mr Matthews
229
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,236
He hasn't got a weak heart
230
00:17:42,318 --> 00:17:44,957
This is the chap your wife asked me
to take down to the hospital
231
00:17:45,038 --> 00:17:47,108
Asked you to take down
232
00:17:47,198 --> 00:17:50,554
Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then?
When I left him, he
233
00:17:52,718 --> 00:17:55,710
Oh, I don't believe it
234
00:17:56,518 --> 00:18:00,955
-You don't mean he's still inside the trunk!
-What?
235
00:18:02,518 --> 00:18:05,078
Did nobody explain there what happened?
236
00:18:05,158 --> 00:18:09,549
He asked us to chain him up inside,
said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat
237
00:18:09,638 --> 00:18:13,836
After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet,
then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key
238
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:17,706
and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock
239
00:18:17,998 --> 00:18:20,432
I told them to keep searching
while I went for an ambulance
240
00:18:20,518 --> 00:18:23,157
I mean, surely to goodness someone must have
241
00:18:25,078 --> 00:18:28,150
Oh, my God!
242
00:18:30,358 --> 00:18:34,590
He's been in there now for five bloody hours!
243
00:18:45,838 --> 00:18:50,707
Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise
244
00:18:52,158 --> 00:18:56,310
this one's blue cheese,
and I think this one's Thousand Island
245
00:18:57,158 --> 00:19:00,548
-So what's this one then?
-I think that's an ashtray, isn't it?
246
00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:05,597
Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me
247
00:19:06,918 --> 00:19:09,830
If you're going to keep
making disgusting remarks all night,
248
00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:12,273
you're going to get this lot right in your face
249
00:19:12,358 --> 00:19:14,633
Can you see a butter knife at all?
250
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:17,232
Well, there's bound to be one
round here somewhere
251
00:19:21,918 --> 00:19:23,271
Yes, here we are
252
00:19:23,398 --> 00:19:27,789
I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails
at night A combine harvester?
253
00:19:32,158 --> 00:19:34,069
You sure you won't join us for the evening?
254
00:19:34,158 --> 00:19:36,467
Victor's made enough chilli here
to feed a regiment
255
00:19:36,558 --> 00:19:40,756
Thank you, Margaret, but I think
I'd better get home and call you-know-who
256
00:19:41,278 --> 00:19:43,838
See how the investigation's been progressing
257
00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:47,228
Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow
and then you'll find
258
00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:50,628
you've been worrying yourself
over nothing at all, you'll see
259
00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:54,552
Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon
260
00:19:54,638 --> 00:19:59,268
-Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time
-Oh, I will, yes!
261
00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:01,471
-Bye-bye
-Bye
262
00:20:08,118 --> 00:20:10,507
Right then! Sorry about that
263
00:20:10,598 --> 00:20:12,350
Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet
264
00:20:12,438 --> 00:20:14,872
and I've still got a couple of things
to see to in the kitchen,
265
00:20:14,958 --> 00:20:17,108
so you just make yourselves at home
266
00:20:19,478 --> 00:20:22,948
Yes, I'll just settle down
and get comfortable sitting on this machete
267
00:20:24,278 --> 00:20:27,987
It's like spending an evening
at the Munsters coming round here
268
00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:31,229
You wonder what nameless horror
you're gonna come across next
269
00:20:32,558 --> 00:20:33,911
(MAN GROANING)
270
00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:45,670
(GROANING)
271
00:20:50,798 --> 00:20:52,197
(GROANING)
272
00:20:53,558 --> 00:20:56,311
Too grisly for words, surely to God
273
00:20:56,398 --> 00:20:57,956
What is it now?
274
00:20:58,038 --> 00:21:01,075
-Well, listen Listen to this
-Let me out!
275
00:21:04,758 --> 00:21:06,430
Yes, very good
276
00:21:07,438 --> 00:21:09,906
You should be on The Paul Daniels Show.
277
00:21:10,638 --> 00:21:13,675
Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman
278
00:21:14,478 --> 00:21:17,151
That wasn't an impromptu display
of my ventriloquial dexterity,
279
00:21:17,238 --> 00:21:19,832
there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen
280
00:21:19,958 --> 00:21:21,710
There's a body inside here
281
00:21:22,318 --> 00:21:24,195
What My God!
282
00:21:24,278 --> 00:21:25,711
(METALLIC RATTLING)
283
00:21:25,798 --> 00:21:28,517
I can hear chains rattling inside
284
00:21:29,238 --> 00:21:31,957
In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he?
285
00:21:33,318 --> 00:21:35,195
MARGARET: Here we are, then
286
00:21:36,198 --> 00:21:39,588
I'm sorry,
I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I?
287
00:21:39,678 --> 00:21:41,236
Now, what would you like?
288
00:21:41,318 --> 00:21:44,788
I think there's some martini,
I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky
289
00:21:44,878 --> 00:21:46,675
(PHONE RINGING)
290
00:21:50,758 --> 00:21:52,111
(BEEPING)
291
00:21:52,198 --> 00:21:53,597
VICTOR: Margaret? It's me.
292
00:21:53,678 --> 00:21:57,796
Look, I'm on my way home
and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I...
293
00:21:57,878 --> 00:22:00,187
(VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE)
294
00:22:03,318 --> 00:22:07,277
...Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk
in the sitting room,
295
00:22:07,358 --> 00:22:10,475
tied up in a sack
with handcuffs on and everything...
296
00:22:10,558 --> 00:22:11,707
(VOICE CRACKLING)
297
00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:14,471
...out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible,
298
00:22:14,558 --> 00:22:19,154
before that gormless twerp and her husband
next door show up, you know what they're like.
299
00:22:19,238 --> 00:22:21,149
I don't know where the key is...
300
00:22:21,638 --> 00:22:24,072
(VOICE CRACKLING)
301
00:22:25,558 --> 00:22:27,674
Oh, bugger this bloody...
302
00:22:28,678 --> 00:22:30,111
(MACHINE BEEPS)
303
00:22:31,238 --> 00:22:33,706
Oh, God above!
304
00:22:40,958 --> 00:22:42,277
No, wait
305
00:22:43,638 --> 00:22:45,913
We need someone who can get this thing open
306
00:22:51,798 --> 00:22:54,266
(GROANING)
307
00:22:57,358 --> 00:23:02,034
WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God!
What have I done to deserve this?
308
00:23:02,118 --> 00:23:03,597
(SOBBING)
309
00:23:03,678 --> 00:23:06,954
Yes, hello Could you put me through
to the fire brigade, please?
310
00:23:10,678 --> 00:23:12,555
Did somebody here call us?
311
00:23:22,278 --> 00:23:25,395
No reply from the Warboys residence,
they must be on their way
312
00:23:25,478 --> 00:23:27,355
Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring
313
00:23:27,438 --> 00:23:29,793
Said it'd be a while
before his back straightens out
314
00:23:29,878 --> 00:23:32,836
but otherwise he's recovering
quite well considering
315
00:23:34,798 --> 00:23:37,471
I don't know whether this was such a good idea
316
00:23:37,558 --> 00:23:40,789
I just thought if we could get the pair of them
out for the evening,
317
00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:42,834
it might take her mind off this ridiculous
318
00:23:42,918 --> 00:23:44,431
-Ah!
-Oh!
319
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,117
Sorry I'm late
320
00:23:49,198 --> 00:23:52,156
Chris took the wrong turning
on the new one-way system
321
00:23:52,238 --> 00:23:55,036
Oh, right So where is he, parking the car?
322
00:23:55,438 --> 00:23:57,633
No No, he won't be joining us
323
00:23:57,718 --> 00:24:01,870
He just gave me a lift here
on his way to the office to collect some things
324
00:24:03,918 --> 00:24:06,193
It's all over between us, I'm afraid
325
00:24:07,278 --> 00:24:11,112
We talked it all through
and decided it was for the best
326
00:24:12,638 --> 00:24:17,553
And as there didn't seem much point in
in prolonging the agony,
327
00:24:17,638 --> 00:24:19,788
he's moving in with her tomorrow morning
328
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:29,437
So it was true in the end?
That woman next door but one?
329
00:24:30,038 --> 00:24:33,155
Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no
330
00:24:33,678 --> 00:24:37,876
Of course it wasn't That was me
just barking up the wrong tree as usual
331
00:24:37,998 --> 00:24:40,307
Well, who's he moving in with?
332
00:24:41,838 --> 00:24:44,352
That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid
333
00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:48,476
The private detective
334
00:24:52,878 --> 00:24:54,106
The private
335
00:24:54,198 --> 00:24:58,988
Apparently he spotted her after the first couple
of days, following him around
336
00:24:59,558 --> 00:25:01,276
They got chatting
337
00:25:01,358 --> 00:25:04,907
He said it was silly of them
to keep taking two cars everywhere
338
00:25:04,998 --> 00:25:07,307
when they could both go in his
339
00:25:08,638 --> 00:25:12,677
Seems they just hit it off together straight away
340
00:25:14,918 --> 00:25:19,912
Everything's gone just as wrong
as it could have really
341
00:25:22,318 --> 00:25:24,468
Yes, it generally does
342
00:25:25,518 --> 00:25:27,668
One thing you can be sure about in life,
343
00:25:27,758 --> 00:25:31,194
just when you think that things
are never ever going to get better,
344
00:25:31,278 --> 00:25:33,314
they suddenly get worse
345
00:25:37,918 --> 00:25:39,112
Yes
346
00:25:40,558 --> 00:25:44,107
Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how
347
00:25:45,478 --> 00:25:47,196
(POPPING)
348
00:25:54,158 --> 00:25:56,626
All right, everybody, no need to panic!
349
00:25:56,798 --> 00:25:58,709
This is just a precaution
350
00:25:58,798 --> 00:26:01,756
Somebody upstairs has set fire
to a tablecloth with his candle
351
00:26:01,838 --> 00:26:05,547
If you'd all like to exit through that door,
we'll have it under control soon!
352
00:26:14,438 --> 00:26:17,271
# They say I might as well face the truth
353
00:26:17,918 --> 00:26:20,751
# That I am just too long in the tooth
354
00:26:21,158 --> 00:26:24,230
# I've started to deteriorate
355
00:26:24,798 --> 00:26:27,835
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
356
00:26:28,278 --> 00:26:31,236
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
357
00:26:31,838 --> 00:26:34,636
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
358
00:26:35,238 --> 00:26:38,036
#And my old knees have started to knock
359
00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:41,551
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
360
00:26:42,078 --> 00:26:45,866
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
361
00:26:46,318 --> 00:26:49,390
# It's true that my body has seen better days
362
00:26:49,598 --> 00:26:53,307
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
363
00:26:53,638 --> 00:26:55,708
# One foot in the grave
364
00:26:56,998 --> 00:26:59,228
# One foot in the grave
365
00:27:00,518 --> 00:27:02,668
# One foot in the grave #