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# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
VICTOR: The absolute limit, that was
You wouldn't believe that anyone could pick their nose
all the way through Dances With Wolves, would you?
Three and a half hours I had to sit next to that
It was always the right nostril, he never touched the left one
Always the one on my side
You'd think he was digging the Channel Tunnel
(KEYS CLINKING)
Come on, what's the matter? I'm ruddy freezing out here
MARGARET: It won't turn It's jammed again, bloody thing!
You're joking, surely Here, give it here
I managed it this morning by jiggling it slightly to the
Bugger
Turn, for God's sake
MARGARET: £260 we paid for this!
For a complete set of new locks so secure even we can't get in
Good old Yellow Pages
God Almighty
If I get through this alive, I'm never going to get anyone in to do anything ever again
(GASPS)
Oh, I've got ruddy cramp now all down my left side
(GRUNTING)
(PHONE RINGING)
4291
What?
Yes, I know there is
Yes, I know
It's me
Yes, I'm on a ladder, going through my own bedroom window
Why the hell do you think I'm doing it?
All because the lady loves Milk Tray?
Pull your blinds and go back to bed
The mentality of some people
Are you all right?
Hang on while I put some pillows down
Yes, if you would It'll be a big help
Just
How the hell did you get back in?
Oh, yes, well, I managed to jiggle it about somehow or other in the end
Funny, isn't it? It suddenly turned
Funny?
Yes, sometimes I wonder just how much priceless hilarity I can take in one evening
Why is it that no matter how long you stand there shaking it,
there's always one last drip that you have to dab off
with a sheet of toilet paper?
It's one of those strange facts of life you can never work out
Did you say you would pick up the makings of that casserole for me this morning?
Oh, I suppose if I have to
Run the gauntlet again with that woman at the greengrocers who seems to fancy me
The one that keeps wrapping up my vegetables in a suggestive manner
Wrapping up your what?
It's got so I'm afraid to go in there and ask for a parsnip
Got back last week and found lipstick marks on the end of a spring onion
-What's that all about? -What are you talking
Are you talking about Millicent in the greengrocers?
Millicent Miles fancies you?
Oh, God, she must be desperate!
I'm not imagining it
I can feel her mentally skinning my beetroot every time she looks at me
I mean, you would think that a woman of her age might
(GASPING)
(GROANING)
What have you done now?
I've just put Olbas Oil on that You know it stings to high heaven
Stings? It's nearly taken my eye out
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Take your life in your hands every time you blow your nose in this house
Oh, shit
-Morning -Morning
Thank you Thank you
Ah!
My tickets for Wembley, Thursday night
Now, what's this?
Surely not that new pair of gloves I sent away for
Oh, in the name of sanity, what's this?
Can't anyone get anything right anymore?
(SIGHING)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
(SPLUTTERING)
I do not believe it!
What's happened now?
Someone's just stolen our fridge
Just Just then
When I went upstairs, as bold as brass, they must just have come
(SPLUTTERING)
Stolen? The fridge?
(PHONE RINGING)
4291
Speaking
Yes
Oh, my God
Well
Do they know what ward she's in or anything?
Ah, right Bye
Just saw the top of it disappearing down the road in a truck
I mean, can you believe that? Can you actually believe that?
Jean's had an accident
What? When? What, a bad one?
Last night On her way back from her sister's in Blackpool
The car went off the road into a ditch
They've taken her up the General so
I'll meet you up there in my lunch hour, all right?
Oh, hello
Don't worry She's not as bad as she looks Most of it's superficial
The main thing is this nasty crack all the way round her jaw
So, I'm afraid she won't really be able to speak to you at all
Oh, really? Oh, dear
Oh, and her spirits are very low I think she could definitely do with some cheering up
Uh
I don't suppose you know if you'll be out by Christmas or not?
(MUMBLING)
Sorry?
Hang on, I've got a pen here
What's this?
''Commode'' What
You mean, you want to
(MUMBLING)
Oh, well, just hang on a second, then
Oh, excuse me
JEAN: Margaret!
Thanks for coming
They said you were in a private room
I was at first It's like musical chairs in this place
All right, you just put your arm around me
That's it
Easier, please
Oh, read that Read all these
Oh, I tell you what I did do up there
Guess what? On my very first day, I won first prize in a competition
In Louis Tussaud's You know, the big waxwork museum on the front
-In Blackpool? -Guess who bought the winning lottery ticket
So what did you win?
Well, I had a choice of £500 in cash
£500!
or, now don't laugh,
a chance to have a waxwork made of myself,
all properly modelled with casts and everything, by one of their experts
Right
Which did you choose?
And then, now can you believe this?
Some bastard forces open the back door and waltzes away with our fridge
Well, I suppose I better be moving
I don't know what's happened to Margaret today, I'm sure
Oh!
Your favourite TV programme will just be starting, won't it?
Let me just switch that on for you
(NEIGHBOURS THEME TUNE ON TV)
Well, I'll see you again, I expect
All right And I hope you're feeling better soon
Goodbye, Mrs Warboys Goodbye
(GROANING)
VICTOR: Oh, wonderful
That's all we need, isn't it? A wax dummy of Mrs Warboys cluttering up the house
What on earth possessed her, for goodness sake?
It's being sent down on Thursday
And she won't be there to take delivery of it Oh, what else was I supposed to say?
We could always stick it upstairs in the spare room or somewhere
Yes, well, let's just keep it away from the radiator
or she might start dripping through the floorboards
Oh, yes Do you really?
I seem to remember you swore on your grandmother's grave
to come round yesterday
Pity she's not buried in quicksand
What?
Because we can't open the front or the back now
It took us half an hour to get this locked again properly yesterday
And now the key has broken off
Are you listening to a cricket match there?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, can you hold on a minute, please?
Just a sec
Oh
Don't worry, I haven't come for your fridge
Hello Good morning How are you?
I'm afraid we're still trying to get those locks sorted out, actually
Bad as the one on the back of my van, then
Someone had that off last week It's the age we live in
Anyway, me darling, I've got your maris pipers out here
-I won't be a tick -Oh, right, right
Uh, are you still there? Hello?
Yes Right
And you've got my address there?
Yes, it's Victor Meldrew, care of Alcatraz
No, no, no What are you doing? Hold on
It's all right, Victor, I'm a big girl
-I've got it -I think I can manage Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry
If it's not one thing, it's another with me just lately
Don't worry
What with yesterday in the pub
A young girl went for my purse
Just stuck her hand under the table and grabbed hold of it
Poor old Piers, is he okay?
Your husband?
I lost my husband five years ago
Oh, uh Sorry
We weren't that close towards the end
I think you get a feeling, don't you?
When something's there and when it isn't
Morning, Millicent
You know the back door of your van's wide open?
Mrs Aylesbury's boys are out there practising dropkicks with an aubergine
Oh, they're not
-Well, I'll love you and leave you then, Victor -Yes
You can settle up with me next week
What happened to this?
The thread in the middle section's broken I think we'll have to get a new one
Oh, right
Well, perhaps we can have a look the next time we're
Oh, my God When did this arrive?
Oh, yes, just after you went round the corner, 1 0:30
Haven't you opened it yet to have a look?
I'm afraid I have Yes
And?
-I'll go and see to the potatoes -Right
Six hours of just sitting here waiting
Well, I've had enough of this bloody caper now
Have you been wiping up the cheese grater with this again?
5:00, it was obvious he wasn't coming Rang up the shop
''Oh, I'm sorry, he's gone home now And it's his day off tomorrow''
I'll give him a bloody day off, ruddy locksmiths
MARGARET: What time train are you catching tomorrow?
5:55, we're all meeting at the station
Kick-off's 7:30
Which should just be fine, give me time this afternoon to run one or two little errands
What sort of errands?
-Yeah? -Good afternoon Mr Laverick?
Of Laverick Locks and Bolts for all your household security needs?
-Yeah -Ah Sorry to trouble you, my name is Meldrew
We've spoken several times on the phone about some work you did for me last Friday
Mr Meldrew! How are you? I haven't forgotten you
Only, we've had a few problems at the office this week
I can only apologise most sincerely
and I promise someone will be around first thing tomorrow morning,
on my absolute word of honour
Yes, well, I'm afraid I'm not really interested in your word of honour, Mr Laverick
I waited in all day for you four times now
and, to be honest, I'm not prepared to be pissed around any longer
Awful midges
If I were you, I'd keep this door shut before they get everywhere
What
(LAVERICK SPLUTTERING)
You won't want them in your porch, either, will you?
There we are That's all nice and secure for you, isn't it?
You demented fool! What the hell are you playing at?
It's all right Your wife will probably let you back in when she gets
Oh, no, I tell a lie Didn't someone say that you lived on your own?
Yes, of course they did
In that case, you'll very probably be wanting this back
Give me back the bloody key!
I'm sorry? Oh, what, you mean you'd like it posted through the letterbox?
-Yes! -Yes, what?
Yes
please
Righty-o, then There we are
I've put a first class stamp on it,
so it should be with you first thing in the morning
Oh, and in the meantime, be very careful of that umbrella plant
They don't like a lot of water
(BRAKES SQUEAKING)
-MILLICENT: Cheer up, it may never happen -Oh
Can I give you a lift anywhere? You'll be waiting there till doomsday
I know I'm supposed to be catching a train at 6:00
Let's see if we can squeeze you in the back, then Shouldn't take more than 1 0 minutes
Sorry about all this palaver I'll get around to fixing it one of these days
If you can find a space between the collies
I'm sorry I'm all a bit chocker at the moment
Yes, well, I don't think I'll be bothered about that, so long as I get there
In? There you are You get yourself comfy, Victor
I've got one quick call on the way
We'll have bags of time
Hello, Mad, it's only me Are you well today?
(VICTOR SHOUTING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Anyone home?
Oh, I see you've managed to get that lock off, then, from the back door at last
Margaret?
(SIGHING)
Margaret? What are you
Oh, Jean
-When did you come out? -Oh, they turfed me out a couple of hours ago,
said they needed the bed
Naturally, I couldn't wait to get round here and
Well, where is it?
Ah Um, we put it in the spare room
What can I say, Victor? Didn't I say things keep happening just lately?
I'm really so sorry
Your big trip to Wembley and everything
and it's all my fault
Yes, well
Look, it's not the same, no way it's the same,
but if you wanna stop off at my place and watch it on the box,
-you're more than welcome -It's not on the box
On satellite it is On the sports channel
I mean, it's the very least I can do for you, after everything
Funny, isn't it?
For the best part of a month I've been dying for this moment and now
I must have been out of my tiny mind
to think that anyone would want this in their house
Other than to scare away the rats
-It's absolutely hideous -It's a very good likeness, though
Well, it's nice, the way they've caught your smile and everything
Yes Well
-What day do the dustmen come round here? -Friday
I'll give you a ring sometime, then
-Wait You can't leave it -Good night, Margaret
COMMENTATOR: (ON TV) I'm afraid we have to say that on the day,
neither side really managed to find the reserves of form or character
that were needed to lift this match out of the doldrums.
(SIGHING)
I don't suppose I missed very much in the end
So, you're going to leave me now, are you? All on my own?
Sorry?
Oh, yes
I thought I'd walk home and get some fresh air
Oh, I don't know The scrapes we get into, the pair of us
I suppose we're very much alike really, when it comes to it
Anyway, bedtime
Hm?
If you're going to walk out on me, there's not much to stay up for
No
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
4291
Hello, Margaret? It's Millicent from the greengrocers
Victor still not home yet?
Uh, no He's in London with some friends for the football I don't imagine he'll be
How did you know that?
Ah Well, I don't suppose there's any point in trying to keep it from you
I'm afraid your husband didn't actually go to London tonight
He's been here, at my place
I don't think I need to paint a picture, do I?
Suffice to say, it was a lot more fun than football
You're back early
Oh, yes
Margaret, I can't believe what I've done
It was one of those stupid moments of weakness that
-Would you like to tell me about it? -Not really
Tell me about it!
I locked that locksmith in his porch
-What? -I went round to see him, locked him in his porch,
took the key away and posted it back to him
I suppose I must be cracking up altogether now
Locksmith? I'm talking about Millicent!
I've just had her on the phone telling me that you've been round at her house tonight
Oh, yeah, well, yes, I'm afraid she gave me a lift
and the van was towed away so I missed the train,
so I ended up watching the match in her house on Sky
Well What's she been saying to you?
Victor, look me in the eyes and tell me
nothing happened between you and Millicent tonight
Nothing happened between us
Absolutely nothing
Margaret?
(DOOR SLAMS)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
-Hello, Millicent -Oh! So, what have you come to tell me?
-I suppose he's denied the whole thing -Well, of course
-I mean, naturally, he's going to deny it -Naturally
-Because it never happened -Never
-You're not telling me you believe him? -That's right, Millicent
My God! He's got you well-trained
No It's called trust, Millicent
You should try looking it up in the dictionary sometime It's next to ''trollop''
Oh, so I imagined the whole thing, did I?
That your husband came upstairs and got into bed with me tonight?
Imagined? No Invented
Because, unfortunately, the evening didn't quite go the way you planned, did it?
The way I planned?
The one thing I never took you for, Margaret, was gullible
I mean, I really thought you were stronger than that
Yes?
Well, we'll see, won't we, just how strong I am?
And in future, we'll be getting our potatoes from Sainsbury's
(URINATING)
Unbelievable the way people are sometimes
I suppose I should have known I was dicing with death there from the word go
How's your stomach?
Yes Much better than it was when I was being sick in her bathroom
An hour and a half in the back of that van with all those rotting onions
and then all those brandies
It's a wonder I've got any stomach left
Still, I suppose it all says quite a lot about us when you think about it
I mean, there aren't many wives who'd forgive me for going round to her house in the first place,
even just to watch football
Wouldn't they?
I mean, at least we're a bit more mature than that
Yes
(VICTOR SCREAMING)
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #
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