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One thousand five hundred and ninety-two
2
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What?
3
00:00:36,534 --> 00:00:38,331
Leaves on that plant
4
00:00:41,854 --> 00:00:45,608
It was only 1 ,503 when we came in
5
00:00:47,854 --> 00:00:50,243
Don't talk such utter drivel
6
00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:51,972
I'm telling you!
7
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:53,732
It's artificial
8
00:00:56,294 --> 00:00:57,568
Is it?
9
00:01:02,774 --> 00:01:04,765
(MOANING)
10
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:11,932
How much longer is he going to keep us?
My buttocks are turning into fossilised fuel
11
00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:17,004
Course, that's solicitors for you
12
00:01:17,094 --> 00:01:19,972
The longer they keep each client up there,
the more they can charge them
13
00:01:20,054 --> 00:01:22,409
That's how they make their money
14
00:01:22,494 --> 00:01:25,850
They'd break wind in the phone
and send you a bill for it
15
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:32,805
I've a good mind just to pack it all in
and go home
16
00:01:56,614 --> 00:01:58,013
(METALLIC RATTLING)
17
00:02:41,934 --> 00:02:43,162
(EXCLAIMING)
18
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,613
What is it now?
19
00:02:45,694 --> 00:02:47,844
I've got one of my bits caught up
20
00:02:49,574 --> 00:02:52,805
Right where it hurts, in the inside leg of my Ow!
21
00:02:53,654 --> 00:02:55,133
It's agony when that happens
22
00:02:55,214 --> 00:02:58,604
They just dropped out suddenly
and now the elastic's cutting in like
23
00:02:59,534 --> 00:03:03,812
Like the Like the string in abacon dumpling
24
00:03:04,654 --> 00:03:08,693
Do you have to make such an exhibition
of yourself in a public place?
25
00:03:09,454 --> 00:03:14,448
It'll be fine in a second
if I can just slide it back inside
26
00:03:17,014 --> 00:03:21,292
That's good Oh, that's got you, you little bugger
27
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:25,527
Can't you just be more careful how you sit down?
28
00:03:25,614 --> 00:03:29,573
Oh, yes, I'll put them in an egg box next time
That'll solve everything
29
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:34,333
It's just one of those things, I'm afraid,
as any man will tell you
30
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:56,533
(GLASS SHATTERING)
31
00:03:59,454 --> 00:04:02,730
Leave it where it is!
32
00:04:24,694 --> 00:04:26,844
I've got a spider in my flies
33
00:04:29,654 --> 00:04:34,364
Look at that There he goes,
just struggling to get in through the buttonhole
34
00:04:35,054 --> 00:04:37,522
You're sure he's not struggling to get out?
35
00:04:39,334 --> 00:04:43,122
There's nothing inside there
that a spider wouldn't want to see
36
00:04:43,214 --> 00:04:46,684
I expect Be at home among the cobwebs
37
00:04:55,494 --> 00:04:57,610
Money spider Look!
38
00:05:16,214 --> 00:05:18,489
You just can't do it, can you?
39
00:05:18,974 --> 00:05:20,009
What?
40
00:05:20,094 --> 00:05:25,327
You can't stay settled for one minute
It's completely beyond you
41
00:05:25,414 --> 00:05:28,053
I can settle, don't you worry about that
42
00:05:28,134 --> 00:05:30,523
I can settle any time I want to
43
00:05:33,654 --> 00:05:34,803
Oh!
44
00:05:38,974 --> 00:05:40,771
For God's sake!
45
00:05:44,614 --> 00:05:49,369
Why don't you go for the easy option
and use a giant wrecking ball?
46
00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:53,732
Have the entire building
razed to the ground in seconds
47
00:05:53,814 --> 00:05:57,443
What sort of table is that, anyway,
that's not joined on to the legs?
48
00:05:57,534 --> 00:06:00,253
Ruddy well asking for trouble, that is
49
00:06:38,974 --> 00:06:40,407
(EXCLAIMS)
50
00:07:48,014 --> 00:07:51,245
Just sit down
51
00:08:03,654 --> 00:08:05,212
(PHONE RINGING)
52
00:08:19,974 --> 00:08:21,168
Do you have to?
53
00:08:21,254 --> 00:08:24,007
See that? How much dust there is
in these cushions?
54
00:08:24,094 --> 00:08:25,573
Look at that
55
00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:30,009
I'll come over there to see how much dust there is
in your ears in a minute
56
00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,050
Now just give it a rest
57
00:08:34,574 --> 00:08:37,486
Wonder when this place had a good spring-clean
58
00:08:37,574 --> 00:08:39,087
VE Day?
59
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:45,885
But still, not much point in dusting
when you think about it
60
00:08:46,254 --> 00:08:49,690
It only just settles again everywhere
five minutes later
61
00:08:49,774 --> 00:08:53,403
All you're ever doing is rearranging it,
in actual fact
62
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,365
-Do you know what dust is?
-Yes
63
00:08:55,454 --> 00:08:59,003
Old bits of human skin Mostly
64
00:08:59,094 --> 00:09:05,249
Just millions and millions of bits of all the people
who waited in this waiting room
65
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:08,485
I mean, no saying who this is on my finger now
66
00:09:10,774 --> 00:09:12,810
Sir Stafford Cripps?
67
00:09:13,494 --> 00:09:16,133
Incredible to think that, isn't it?
68
00:09:24,374 --> 00:09:26,205
(VEHICLE HORN HONKING)
69
00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:41,770
Oh, oh
70
00:09:41,854 --> 00:09:44,846
(STAMMERING) I don't believe it!
71
00:09:45,574 --> 00:09:47,292
Heaven spare us!
72
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:50,368
Look at that That bird mess on the window
73
00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:53,332
-What about it?
-It's on the inside
74
00:09:57,734 --> 00:09:59,929
I've got it all over my nose
75
00:10:01,214 --> 00:10:04,047
It's a ruddy death trap, this place
76
00:10:05,494 --> 00:10:07,769
(GROANING)
77
00:10:07,854 --> 00:10:09,207
What in the
78
00:10:19,894 --> 00:10:23,011
Just hold it Hold still a minute Leave it, leave it
79
00:10:23,094 --> 00:10:24,493
Will you
80
00:10:26,014 --> 00:10:28,653
How did that get there, in the name of sanity?
81
00:10:28,734 --> 00:10:31,612
On the inside if you please I just give up
82
00:10:31,694 --> 00:10:35,733
I don't know A pigeon maybe flew in
when the window was open
83
00:10:35,814 --> 00:10:37,805
Will you keep still?
84
00:10:41,094 --> 00:10:42,209
Now
85
00:10:44,854 --> 00:10:46,253
Any more?
86
00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:50,327
You sure you haven't got horse manure
or anything down the back of your shirt?
87
00:10:50,414 --> 00:10:54,726
It's worse than taking a child out for the day
I don't know why I don't put you on reins
88
00:11:04,894 --> 00:11:06,930
Oi! You!
89
00:11:09,414 --> 00:11:11,325
Yes, you Excuse me!
90
00:11:11,774 --> 00:11:14,242
It just never ends, does it?
91
00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:16,290
That happens to be my bloody car
92
00:11:16,374 --> 00:11:19,764
when you've finished allowing your dog
to urinate all down the side of it
93
00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:22,573
MAN: It needed a wash anyway
94
00:11:22,654 --> 00:11:23,689
I beg your
95
00:11:23,774 --> 00:11:26,846
Did you hear what he said?
''It needed a wash anyway''
96
00:11:28,494 --> 00:11:30,405
Where are those cakes?
97
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:34,608
(DOG YELPING)
98
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,810
Get out of there, you little bastard!
99
00:11:37,694 --> 00:11:40,891
I've a good mind to have you prosecuted
for wilful damage of property
100
00:11:40,974 --> 00:11:43,693
See what you have to say about that!
101
00:11:43,774 --> 00:11:46,652
MAN 2: You don't have to say anything
until you've consulted a solicitor!
102
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:50,363
Who the hell asked you?
You keep your nose out of this
103
00:11:50,574 --> 00:11:54,453
MAN 2: Is this gentleman subjecting you
to unreasonable public harassment, sir?
104
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,650
MAN 1 : Yeah, he just insulted my dog as well!
105
00:11:56,734 --> 00:12:01,808
MAN 2: In which case, my advice to you would be
to seek professional representation without delay!
106
00:12:01,894 --> 00:12:03,327
Oh, would it, indeed?
107
00:12:03,414 --> 00:12:05,928
Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor, too,
when I see him,
108
00:12:06,014 --> 00:12:08,812
so don't you worry on that score, matey
109
00:12:09,894 --> 00:12:13,011
And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower!
110
00:12:18,454 --> 00:12:20,172
All finished now?
111
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,929
Ruddy naked vandalism in the streets
112
00:12:24,014 --> 00:12:26,084
No one gives a damn any
113
00:14:07,454 --> 00:14:08,887
(SNIFFING)
114
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:43,286
(SNORTING)
115
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,242
Mr Prothrow?
116
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:18,606
This way, please
117
00:15:39,494 --> 00:15:41,212
(TAPPING)
118
00:15:46,534 --> 00:15:49,571
Listen to that How thin these walls are
119
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,571
Must be where they divided up the original room
120
00:15:53,654 --> 00:15:56,168
-Listen to that, that's wafer thin
-Yes!
121
00:15:56,254 --> 00:15:57,846
I can hear Thank you
122
00:15:57,934 --> 00:16:01,131
Lean back suddenly,
someone could put their head right through that
123
00:16:01,214 --> 00:16:03,330
I'll bear that in mind
124
00:16:16,014 --> 00:16:18,448
Fish fingers have thawed out now
125
00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:06,204
I can never look at one of these
without thinking about
126
00:17:06,294 --> 00:17:10,890
I know what you're going to say so don't say it
127
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:17,092
-I was just going to say about Mr
-I know
128
00:17:20,014 --> 00:17:24,007
Well, Mr Dimbley,
who lived down in Wingate Crescent
129
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:27,685
Was the talk of the whole street, that was
130
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,972
Do you remember
when his wife came back that day
131
00:17:31,054 --> 00:17:34,490
-and found he'd stuck one of these little
-Yes!
132
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:40,127
I don't think I want to be reminded
of the sordid details, thank you
133
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,169
Things people do for pleasure
134
00:17:46,574 --> 00:17:51,523
Never forget the look on his face
when they carried him out to the ambulance
135
00:17:52,414 --> 00:17:54,803
As if he'd just been hypnotised
136
00:17:56,134 --> 00:18:00,173
Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase
''putting a light bulb in''
137
00:19:27,614 --> 00:19:29,127
(WHISPERING)
138
00:19:39,414 --> 00:19:40,813
(CLATTERING)
139
00:19:47,614 --> 00:19:48,967
(BANGING)
140
00:19:50,294 --> 00:19:52,285
(VICTOR URINATING)
141
00:19:57,174 --> 00:19:59,051
(MARGARET CLEARS THROAT)
142
00:20:09,494 --> 00:20:10,973
(SNIFFING)
143
00:20:11,374 --> 00:20:12,966
(CLEARS THROAT)
144
00:20:14,454 --> 00:20:16,524
(VICTOR STILL URINATING)
145
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:20,689
(MARGARET COUGHING)
146
00:20:22,614 --> 00:20:24,172
(CLEARS THROAT)
147
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,612
(TOILET FLUSHING)
148
00:20:43,214 --> 00:20:44,886
(VICTOR URINATING)
149
00:21:04,254 --> 00:21:06,529
Do you want to go? It's quite clean
150
00:21:18,414 --> 00:21:20,530
Oh, sorry to have kept you both
151
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:22,093
Oh, right
152
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:55,847
Well, that's a relief I'm still alive
153
00:21:57,494 --> 00:21:59,530
Hanging on by a thread
154
00:22:00,174 --> 00:22:04,929
Why is it that everyone else who comes in here
only has to wait for 1 0 seconds, then they're in?
155
00:22:05,614 --> 00:22:07,047
But not us
156
00:22:08,094 --> 00:22:11,006
Wouldn't be surprised
if he isn't up there anymore
157
00:22:11,094 --> 00:22:15,849
Probably left half an hour ago
to go and play golf with various chief constables
158
00:22:16,774 --> 00:22:19,607
Like that time I sat all afternoon
waiting to see a throat specialist
159
00:22:19,694 --> 00:22:23,687
and found out he was at a cocktail party
in Bury St Edmunds
160
00:22:27,134 --> 00:22:30,524
-Mr Meldrew?
-Oh, for God's sake, and about time!
161
00:22:30,614 --> 00:22:33,412
Mr Latimer is not quite ready for you yet
162
00:22:33,494 --> 00:22:36,327
His colleague, Mr Mangrove,
asked me to give you this
163
00:22:36,414 --> 00:22:38,245
Mr What's this?
164
00:22:38,334 --> 00:22:39,847
(PHONE RINGING)
165
00:22:46,654 --> 00:22:51,603
''Dear Mr Meldrew, just to confirm
that I have today received instructions
166
00:22:51,694 --> 00:22:56,324
''to act on behalf of Mr GW Skinner
of 45 Ogden Street,
167
00:22:56,414 --> 00:22:59,884
''who is filing a claim for damages
in connection with an alleged assault
168
00:22:59,974 --> 00:23:04,206
''carried out by yourself
upon his pit bull terrier, Horace, this afternoon
169
00:23:04,294 --> 00:23:06,967
''with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue''
170
00:23:07,974 --> 00:23:11,205
An assault with a coconut meringue?
171
00:23:11,374 --> 00:23:13,410
And it wasn't even stale!
172
00:23:13,854 --> 00:23:19,247
Oh, I have never in all my life
heard of anything so patently ludicrous
173
00:23:19,494 --> 00:23:22,213
Well, I'm going straight up there
I'm not going to have this
174
00:23:22,294 --> 00:23:25,445
Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake!
175
00:23:26,014 --> 00:23:28,005
We'll mention it to ours when we go in
176
00:23:28,094 --> 00:23:31,689
Just don't make things worse
than they already are
177
00:23:37,734 --> 00:23:40,692
I'm sorry I came here this afternoon,
I am straight
178
00:23:40,774 --> 00:23:43,049
I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you
179
00:23:43,134 --> 00:23:46,444
Sitting here all afternoon
waiting to make out a will
180
00:23:49,454 --> 00:23:52,810
I can only think of one thing worse than dying
181
00:23:54,334 --> 00:23:56,484
And that's living forever
182
00:23:58,494 --> 00:24:02,612
I mean, can you just imagine
how terrible that would actually be?
183
00:24:02,974 --> 00:24:05,204
If I was just always here,
184
00:24:06,854 --> 00:24:09,243
for ever and ever and ever
185
00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:14,643
Yes
186
00:24:19,574 --> 00:24:22,964
I don't know what it's all about
when it comes down to it
187
00:24:23,494 --> 00:24:25,485
Whether you're just here one minute
and gone the next,
188
00:24:25,574 --> 00:24:27,849
like God rearranging the dust
189
00:24:29,214 --> 00:24:31,125
Got no way of knowing
190
00:24:33,174 --> 00:24:37,133
Anyway, I don't see the point of wills
Not in our case
191
00:24:37,214 --> 00:24:42,527
Shared everything over all these years
It's purely a formality after all's said and done
192
00:24:46,094 --> 00:24:50,610
Thirty-seven years ago this week, as it happens
193
00:24:51,254 --> 00:24:52,289
Since what?
194
00:24:52,374 --> 00:24:55,411
Since the first time we shared something
195
00:24:57,134 --> 00:24:59,807
-What?
-Our bodies
196
00:25:01,174 --> 00:25:05,531
You remember? Peggy Hawkesworth's
engagement party in Glendale Gardens
197
00:25:07,934 --> 00:25:11,768
I can still remember the first moment
I walked into that room
198
00:25:11,854 --> 00:25:16,530
and saw this dashing, handsome young man
standing over by the record player
199
00:25:16,734 --> 00:25:21,091
with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair
200
00:25:21,854 --> 00:25:24,573
Couldn't look at anybody else all night
201
00:25:24,654 --> 00:25:30,809
Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced,
just smiling across the room like an idiot
202
00:25:31,974 --> 00:25:35,762
And then, just after midnight, you remember,
there was a power cut
203
00:25:35,854 --> 00:25:40,484
We'd all had far too much to drink
and I just seized my chance
204
00:25:40,934 --> 00:25:45,689
Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand
and dragged you out into the garden
205
00:25:47,574 --> 00:25:50,964
I remember it took you a hell of a time
to get going
206
00:25:52,974 --> 00:25:57,126
You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour
twiddling a dead wasp
207
00:26:06,894 --> 00:26:11,604
And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it
208
00:26:12,214 --> 00:26:13,442
And
209
00:26:16,734 --> 00:26:21,762
And then we got up out of the lupines,
dusted ourselves down and went back inside
210
00:26:22,454 --> 00:26:27,687
And when the lights came back on again,
I remember, I just stood and looked at you,
211
00:26:28,654 --> 00:26:31,726
and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person
212
00:26:37,334 --> 00:26:39,802
Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick,
wavy, golden hair,
213
00:26:39,894 --> 00:26:43,011
was just leaving with that girl
who worked in the hat factory
214
00:26:44,694 --> 00:26:49,484
Anyway, got us started off together
And that was that
215
00:26:51,014 --> 00:26:52,572
Funny, though, isn't it?
216
00:26:52,654 --> 00:26:56,852
How it's hardly ever your first choice
that you eventually end up with?
217
00:26:57,974 --> 00:27:00,010
Or even your second or third
218
00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:03,490
All the ones you think you fancy the most,
219
00:27:03,574 --> 00:27:07,010
none of them are right for you, probably,
in the end
220
00:27:09,014 --> 00:27:10,606
Yes
221
00:27:11,734 --> 00:27:16,967
Oh, well, I mean
Well, look at you, ending up with me
222
00:27:17,054 --> 00:27:20,649
when there were girls like Olive Reynolds,
223
00:27:20,734 --> 00:27:22,247
Hazel Warner,
224
00:27:23,334 --> 00:27:28,852
Jennifer Davy, and that sister of hers
They were a pretty little pair
225
00:27:31,534 --> 00:27:34,094
You were always my first choice
226
00:27:36,694 --> 00:27:37,922
Was I?
227
00:27:41,574 --> 00:27:43,883
You've never said that before
228
00:27:45,134 --> 00:27:46,931
No, well
229
00:27:49,974 --> 00:27:53,523
Well, I suppose there's lots of things
you never say
230
00:27:53,614 --> 00:27:55,844
that you think about saying
231
00:27:55,974 --> 00:27:59,489
and something always crops up, life goes on
232
00:28:00,614 --> 00:28:04,448
Somehow you never quite get around
to putting it into words
233
00:28:12,094 --> 00:28:13,163
(DOOR OPENING)
234
00:28:25,254 --> 00:28:28,564
# They say I might as well face the truth
235
00:28:28,654 --> 00:28:31,612
# That I am just too long in the tooth
236
00:28:32,054 --> 00:28:35,171
# I've started to deteriorate
237
00:28:35,494 --> 00:28:38,884
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
238
00:28:38,974 --> 00:28:42,046
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
239
00:28:42,574 --> 00:28:45,850
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
240
00:28:45,934 --> 00:28:49,290
#And my old knees have started to knock
241
00:28:49,374 --> 00:28:52,525
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
242
00:28:52,934 --> 00:28:56,768
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
243
00:28:56,854 --> 00:29:00,324
# It's true that my body has seen better days
244
00:29:00,734 --> 00:29:04,363
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
245
00:29:04,454 --> 00:29:06,649
# One foot in the grave
246
00:29:07,854 --> 00:29:10,084
# One foot in the grave
247
00:29:11,334 --> 00:29:14,007
# One foot in the grave #
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