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# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(COUGHING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
4291
Oh, hello, Jean No, no, just out the back
Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole through the incinerator
No, we've tried putting it in the bin The dustmen won't touch it
Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry
Said it clogged up their crusher for a week
Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you
Oh, hideous, Jean
Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book,
every mealtime has been like The Quatermass Experiment.
Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what
Oh, God, no I've put a stop to it now, don't you worry about that
He won't be trying anymore of those concoctions, let me tell you
Anyway, did you get my
Oh, lovely
Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you Thanks very much, Jean Bye
Oh, for God's sake No, Victor Now, I've told you
When did you fish this back out, for goodness sake?
I've told you I am having no more of it
I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch
Nothing complicated Nothing that's going to smell
That's what you said about the squid in the Stilton sauce
and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak
Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker
(SIGHING)
And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight
Don't remind me
And you're not backing out of it so don't start that
Now that Pippa and I finally got you to the negotiating table,
you can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving
like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change
Do you hear me?
Have I got these socks on inside out?
Do you hear me?
Yes
VICTOR: Never again
As long as I live
What's happened here? Not another bloody power cut
Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it
I've never been so humiliated in all my natural born days
Do you know what happened when we got there, hmm?
Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it
Bloody Armenian restaurant, not one of them spoke a word of English
Can you believe what they did? Margaret, are you asleep?
Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it
(CRASHING)
VICTOR: Bugger it!
Look, I've said I'm sorry
In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?
-Yours -Oh, was it?
And correct me if I'm wrong,
but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice, intimate little table
where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs
I can't remember if I used those words exactly
Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it?
The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression
that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers
A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood
It was bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons
Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course
when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table,
which we were then forced to nibble from each end
until our lips met in the middle, like Lady and the Tramp.
Why didn't you say something?
I'm afraid anything we attempted to say was largely academic
once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs
It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off,
so we told him to bugger off
I don't know, there's always something, isn't there?
PATRICK: Yes
Although, for maximum embarrassment it would be hard to top the moment
when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant,
I can only assume he was attempting to say, ''Do you both love pork?''
And not as it came out in his mangled English, ''Do you both have sex with pigs?''
We did attempt to leave at that point,
not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs,
holding hands across the table
PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really
Quite sweet? Have you taken leave of your senses?
Thirty people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together
Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us
Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place
What time's he expecting us on Friday?
He's coming round in the morning for coffee I said we'd firm up the arrangements then
I shudder to think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight
about that sausage
Is that the time?
And we're supposed to be clearing the loft this morning,
or had you forgotten?
Another few days of disruption to look forward to
Oh, what the hell has been going on in here?
Oh, Victor, what on earth?
What is it?
When you washed your face in the dark last night,
you opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?
-Yes Why? -Wrong
You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush
And it's all over the towel and the face flannel and the pillow and
Oh, get up Look what you've done!
I'm sorry about that
What are you rushing about for, anyway, like a bat out of hell?
Because it's 9:30 nearly
and they're coming to start the loft conversion at 1 2:00
That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers
That's if they bother to turn up this time
They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable
Don't know what you've got against the pair of them anyway
One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill
and the other has an extremely weird sense of humour
I think he's very funny
You would
Okay, I've got it Is that everything, then?
No more of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents up there, are there?
Not that I can see
(VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where you'd gone to!
Remember this?
£5 in a car boot sale
I was going to try and get it working again, never got round to it
As usual
I'd better look lively They said I could have the morning off
but I don't want to push my luck
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, that's good timing
Morning, Mrs Meldrew Bit parky out there today and that's a fact
Yes You want to go straight up?
(WHISTLING)
Morning, how are you doing? We're a little bit earlier than we said
Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now
-Say again? -I think we're just about finished up there now!
Right you are Time to make way for the professionals, eh?
MCKENDRICK 1 : How are we doing on that lighting source?
You nearly there or am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots?
Coming up any second Hang on
# There may be teardrops ahead
# But while there's moonlight and roses And love and romance #
Ah! Oh, shit!
-Oh, my God! -What happened?
What have you done?
-It just slipped -Oh!
Went right through Oh, God!
Can you pull it out or anything?
I don't know I'll try but
Oh, yeah, there we are
(LAUGHING)
Had you going that time, didn't I, eh? Should have seen your face
I thought you were going to have a seizure
(LAUGHING)
You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork
I know, I think we've marked up our choice on that colour chart out there
Oh, right
I put some fresh coffee on, by the way
-Where is it? -It's in the jug, freshly brewed
Champion You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it?
If you would
-Did you want it white? -No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided
Okay We'll get that ordered up for you
Here you go It may be a bit full
Thanks very much, that's fine
(LAUGHING)
I'm off, then
You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today, I trust?
I've got plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much
Yes Evidently
That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew See you same time tomorrow
Yes, right!
(MCKENDRICK SINGING)
(THUDDING)
(MCKENDRICK SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
I just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head
Oh, yeah
Must have been a nail sticking out or something Oh, shit!
Can't you do any better than that? It doesn't even look like real blood
Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time
I think I'll need an ambulance Seriously
Utterly pathetic
(GROANING)
Oh, God! Here, sit down
-I'll go and see if we've got some bandages -Thank you
But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these
Oh, come on, come on That was a good 'un
You've got to admit Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty.
There's a place in London, you can write off for it
I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr McKendrick
I think it's sick
Twice in a row I've had her now She went white as a sheet
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Turning into bloody Harry Worth now What's wrong with you?
What's that? I didn't know you'd been to the bank today
I haven't been to the bank
£80 I've been to the grocer on the corner
and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes
-Why didn't you hand it in? -What, to dodgy Douglas?
Who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one?
Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?
-Well, you're going to go the police with it, then? -Oh
Why, nobody's going to go in and ask if someone's handed in
four £20 notes
-Well, you can't just keep it -Why not?
Well, it might belong to a little old lady, an old-age pensioner or something
There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace
Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there isn't gonna miss £80
And I'm hanging on to it
And if you don't like it, you can lump it The pair of you!
I just think
The pair of us?
In you come That's the ticket
Yes
Now, up you go Come on Up
There we are
(PHONE RINGING)
You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes
4291
Oh, yes, hang on a sec
Yes How do you spell that?
Yeah Yeah
Yes, thank you very much indeed That's a big help Thanks Bye
Would you prefer it if I slept in the spare room tonight?
What's got into you since you came back from work tonight?
Nothing
I take it that was them, ringing back? The Peking Palace?
Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace
They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations
and it turns out to be a chap called Croker
Apparently, he lives outside the town of Cottleswood
I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's
Oh, did you? Fine
Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean, it's It is his money
Yes
Well, I'd better get ready for bed
If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts
-That for the flooring? -It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew
We got most of it down now Then we'll make a start on your rendering
Only I've got to go out for a few hours, so if I'm not back
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Where are they? And don't say they're not in here because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside
-I beg your pardon -Yes, you!
You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts! Four (BLEEP) weeks ago
you were supposed to come and finish off my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting!
Where do you think you're going?
don't think you will
If you had that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through
with their football from next door and had his beak off
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you?
I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is
(STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house you're fighting in
Bloody (BLEEP) worthless I don't see why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this
Don't lose your temper You'll only do something you'll regret
(ARGUING)
-Don't do anything silly up there -Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley
-Mrs Stewkley! -Excuse me, excuse me!
MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down!
MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower
MAN: Everything all right down there? PIPPA: Yes!
Masses of room in that garage now since you've had it done
Oh
-How are you, darling? -Relieved, as ever,
to get away from that man
Are things really that bad between you and him?
I don't know how much longer we're going to last, the way things are going
Oh, well, you're here now And we're in for the night,
so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?
And get you upstairs
Oh, I know what I meant to ask you When I was round your place yesterday,
-I didn't drop any money at all, did I? -I didn't see any
There we are
I thought we'd eat about 8:30 if that's okay with you
Give you time to settle in, freshen up
You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house
where a man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window stark bollock naked
Without the stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence
You know, when we left this afternoon,
I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on
People effing and blinding about pelicans
You just had to be there to believe it
Oh, my God!
You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it
What's it supposed to be this time?
Massive concussion of some kind? Good!
I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense into your head
Oh, what's happened here?
Hello, I need an ambulance immediately
That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew,
but we got our van outside
Three up to me, I think
You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid
Get out of here!
(LAUGHING)
Has he been at it again?
Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Laurence
See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew Oh, and be careful with that hatch
We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay?
Yes! Goodbye!
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHING)
This is the life
Fancy a beer or something?
Oh, you could bring me a small Campari
(WHISTLING)
Glasses, glasses
What are you doing here?
You didn't bring me one, then?
-He's in the larder -What?
-He's downstairs in the larder -Who is?
Who?
Who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes?
-Mr Meldrew -Is this some sort of joke?
Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes
He had the temerity to ask me what I was doing here
The time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer
I wonder if they still advertise them in People's Friend?
(DOOR CLOSING)
God Almighty!
You know what? It only belonged to her bloody brother next door
I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend
I hid in the bloody cupboard
Talk about total laughingstock
You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk
What
(STUTTERING)
What's the matter with you? Got a splinter in your tongue?
What did
Splinter in my tongue?
Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue?
I've no idea
I don't believe you could do a thing like this
Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own
When you can't control everything they do like nice, little dumb blondes
Dumb blonde
It's only a lump of wood, Margaret That's all it is
That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her
and sticking your head up her skirt for the last 24 hours
Have you gone stark raving mad?
Yes, probably I wouldn't be surprised
I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age
and you're not fit for anything anymore
Yes, I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?
-Explain what? -Why I've lost my job!
When did this happen?
Yesterday
Mr Farmer came in, said they were closing the shop
Business wasn't there anymore and that was it
He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon we needn't bother coming in anymore
All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital
That's why you wanted to keep the money Why didn't you say?
I couldn't I didn't
(SIGHING)
The thought of what's gonna happen to me now
What I'm gonna turn into
What are you going to turn into?
You
Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls
I was frightened
I'm sorry
No, I'm sorry
Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk?
-Yes, right -I'll go and pour us two large ones
If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today
Oh, Victor!
If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful
because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the trapdoor to
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #
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