0 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org 1 00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:06,348 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:06,438 --> 00:00:09,908 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,998 --> 00:00:13,388 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:13,478 --> 00:00:16,914 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,998 --> 00:00:20,911 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:20,998 --> 00:00:24,468 # Fading away but I've not yet expired 7 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:28,073 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:31,707 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:00:34,678 --> 00:00:36,828 (COUGHING) 10 00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:07,553 (PHONE RINGING) 11 00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:11,354 (CLEARING THROAT) 12 00:01:13,278 --> 00:01:14,950 4291 13 00:01:15,478 --> 00:01:19,869 Oh, hello, Jean No, no, just out the back 14 00:01:20,238 --> 00:01:23,913 Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole through the incinerator 15 00:01:24,438 --> 00:01:28,147 No, we've tried putting it in the bin The dustmen won't touch it 16 00:01:28,238 --> 00:01:31,514 Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry 17 00:01:31,598 --> 00:01:34,556 Said it clogged up their crusher for a week 18 00:01:34,638 --> 00:01:39,029 Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you 19 00:01:39,118 --> 00:01:41,712 Oh, hideous, Jean 20 00:01:41,798 --> 00:01:44,312 Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book, 21 00:01:44,398 --> 00:01:47,390 every mealtime has been like The Quatermass Experiment. 22 00:01:47,918 --> 00:01:51,433 Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what 23 00:01:51,518 --> 00:01:55,716 Oh, God, no I've put a stop to it now, don't you worry about that 24 00:01:55,798 --> 00:01:58,949 He won't be trying anymore of those concoctions, let me tell you 25 00:01:59,038 --> 00:02:01,188 Anyway, did you get my 26 00:02:01,278 --> 00:02:02,950 Oh, lovely 27 00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:15,874 Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you Thanks very much, Jean Bye 28 00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:29,035 Oh, for God's sake No, Victor Now, I've told you 29 00:02:29,838 --> 00:02:32,955 When did you fish this back out, for goodness sake? 30 00:02:33,038 --> 00:02:35,552 I've told you I am having no more of it 31 00:02:35,638 --> 00:02:38,152 I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch 32 00:02:38,238 --> 00:02:40,547 Nothing complicated Nothing that's going to smell 33 00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,708 That's what you said about the squid in the Stilton sauce 34 00:02:42,798 --> 00:02:46,677 and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak 35 00:02:46,758 --> 00:02:51,274 Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker 36 00:02:51,358 --> 00:02:52,871 (SIGHING) 37 00:02:53,038 --> 00:02:57,190 And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight 38 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,189 Don't remind me 39 00:03:01,718 --> 00:03:05,677 And you're not backing out of it so don't start that 40 00:03:05,878 --> 00:03:08,346 Now that Pippa and I finally got you to the negotiating table, 41 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,475 you can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving 42 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,868 like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change 43 00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:16,311 Do you hear me? 44 00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:18,912 Have I got these socks on inside out? 45 00:03:19,918 --> 00:03:22,386 Do you hear me? 46 00:03:22,758 --> 00:03:24,635 Yes 47 00:03:34,358 --> 00:03:36,269 VICTOR: Never again 48 00:03:37,358 --> 00:03:40,156 As long as I live 49 00:03:41,158 --> 00:03:45,674 What's happened here? Not another bloody power cut 50 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:58,227 Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it 51 00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:03,635 I've never been so humiliated in all my natural born days 52 00:04:04,358 --> 00:04:07,475 Do you know what happened when we got there, hmm? 53 00:04:07,558 --> 00:04:10,152 Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it 54 00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:14,390 Bloody Armenian restaurant, not one of them spoke a word of English 55 00:04:14,598 --> 00:04:18,147 Can you believe what they did? Margaret, are you asleep? 56 00:04:18,278 --> 00:04:21,350 Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it 57 00:04:22,558 --> 00:04:23,593 (CRASHING) 58 00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:25,270 VICTOR: Bugger it! 59 00:04:28,598 --> 00:04:31,396 Look, I've said I'm sorry 60 00:04:31,478 --> 00:04:36,791 In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place? 61 00:04:37,438 --> 00:04:40,032 -Yours -Oh, was it? 62 00:04:40,118 --> 00:04:41,790 And correct me if I'm wrong, 63 00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:45,393 but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice, intimate little table 64 00:04:45,478 --> 00:04:49,312 where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs 65 00:04:49,398 --> 00:04:52,549 I can't remember if I used those words exactly 66 00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:56,631 Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it? 67 00:04:56,918 --> 00:04:59,432 The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression 68 00:04:59,518 --> 00:05:02,954 that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers 69 00:05:05,278 --> 00:05:08,634 A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood 70 00:05:09,438 --> 00:05:13,226 It was bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons 71 00:05:13,318 --> 00:05:18,711 Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course 72 00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:22,074 when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table, 73 00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:25,226 which we were then forced to nibble from each end 74 00:05:25,318 --> 00:05:29,072 until our lips met in the middle, like Lady and the Tramp. 75 00:05:29,158 --> 00:05:31,194 Why didn't you say something? 76 00:05:31,278 --> 00:05:35,590 I'm afraid anything we attempted to say was largely academic 77 00:05:35,678 --> 00:05:39,910 once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs 78 00:05:40,558 --> 00:05:43,630 It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off, 79 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,717 so we told him to bugger off 80 00:05:47,798 --> 00:05:51,427 I don't know, there's always something, isn't there? 81 00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:53,471 PATRICK: Yes 82 00:05:53,558 --> 00:05:57,551 Although, for maximum embarrassment it would be hard to top the moment 83 00:05:57,638 --> 00:06:01,313 when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant, 84 00:06:01,398 --> 00:06:05,550 I can only assume he was attempting to say, ''Do you both love pork?'' 85 00:06:05,638 --> 00:06:10,666 And not as it came out in his mangled English, ''Do you both have sex with pigs?'' 86 00:06:13,438 --> 00:06:15,554 We did attempt to leave at that point, 87 00:06:15,638 --> 00:06:19,347 not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs, 88 00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:21,633 holding hands across the table 89 00:06:21,718 --> 00:06:24,755 PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really 90 00:06:25,998 --> 00:06:29,832 Quite sweet? Have you taken leave of your senses? 91 00:06:29,918 --> 00:06:34,708 Thirty people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together 92 00:06:34,798 --> 00:06:38,234 Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us 93 00:06:38,318 --> 00:06:41,674 Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place 94 00:06:41,758 --> 00:06:43,396 What time's he expecting us on Friday? 95 00:06:43,478 --> 00:06:48,233 He's coming round in the morning for coffee I said we'd firm up the arrangements then 96 00:06:48,398 --> 00:06:51,390 I shudder to think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight 97 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,469 about that sausage 98 00:07:02,598 --> 00:07:04,907 Is that the time? 99 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:09,067 And we're supposed to be clearing the loft this morning, 100 00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,876 or had you forgotten? 101 00:07:11,478 --> 00:07:14,948 Another few days of disruption to look forward to 102 00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:19,350 Oh, what the hell has been going on in here? 103 00:07:19,918 --> 00:07:23,149 Oh, Victor, what on earth? 104 00:07:27,078 --> 00:07:28,830 What is it? 105 00:07:31,078 --> 00:07:33,876 When you washed your face in the dark last night, 106 00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:37,507 you opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you? 107 00:07:37,598 --> 00:07:39,634 -Yes Why? -Wrong 108 00:07:39,718 --> 00:07:43,393 You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush 109 00:07:44,238 --> 00:07:48,789 And it's all over the towel and the face flannel and the pillow and 110 00:07:48,878 --> 00:07:53,030 Oh, get up Look what you've done! 111 00:07:53,318 --> 00:07:56,151 I'm sorry about that 112 00:07:56,798 --> 00:08:00,268 What are you rushing about for, anyway, like a bat out of hell? 113 00:08:00,358 --> 00:08:02,713 Because it's 9:30 nearly 114 00:08:02,798 --> 00:08:05,915 and they're coming to start the loft conversion at 1 2:00 115 00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:09,115 That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers 116 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,871 That's if they bother to turn up this time 117 00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:15,837 They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable 118 00:08:17,958 --> 00:08:21,268 Don't know what you've got against the pair of them anyway 119 00:08:21,358 --> 00:08:23,394 One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill 120 00:08:23,478 --> 00:08:26,436 and the other has an extremely weird sense of humour 121 00:08:26,518 --> 00:08:28,986 I think he's very funny 122 00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:32,433 You would 123 00:08:35,118 --> 00:08:39,191 Okay, I've got it Is that everything, then? 124 00:08:40,118 --> 00:08:44,316 No more of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents up there, are there? 125 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,389 Not that I can see 126 00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:50,869 (VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where you'd gone to! 127 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,029 Remember this? 128 00:08:54,358 --> 00:08:56,314 £5 in a car boot sale 129 00:08:56,398 --> 00:08:59,231 I was going to try and get it working again, never got round to it 130 00:08:59,318 --> 00:09:01,070 As usual 131 00:09:01,158 --> 00:09:04,195 I'd better look lively They said I could have the morning off 132 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:05,711 but I don't want to push my luck 133 00:09:05,798 --> 00:09:06,787 (DOORBELL RINGING) 134 00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:09,233 Oh, that's good timing 135 00:09:16,358 --> 00:09:19,907 Morning, Mrs Meldrew Bit parky out there today and that's a fact 136 00:09:19,998 --> 00:09:21,795 Yes You want to go straight up? 137 00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,869 (WHISTLING) 138 00:09:25,718 --> 00:09:29,393 Morning, how are you doing? We're a little bit earlier than we said 139 00:09:29,478 --> 00:09:31,708 Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now 140 00:09:31,798 --> 00:09:34,756 -Say again? -I think we're just about finished up there now! 141 00:09:34,838 --> 00:09:38,592 Right you are Time to make way for the professionals, eh? 142 00:09:39,638 --> 00:09:41,594 MCKENDRICK 1 : How are we doing on that lighting source? 143 00:09:41,678 --> 00:09:44,238 You nearly there or am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots? 144 00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:47,116 Coming up any second Hang on 145 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:51,348 # There may be teardrops ahead 146 00:09:52,238 --> 00:09:57,551 # But while there's moonlight and roses And love and romance # 147 00:09:58,518 --> 00:10:01,271 Ah! Oh, shit! 148 00:10:02,238 --> 00:10:05,230 -Oh, my God! -What happened? 149 00:10:05,518 --> 00:10:07,270 What have you done? 150 00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:10,954 -It just slipped -Oh! 151 00:10:11,038 --> 00:10:14,155 Went right through Oh, God! 152 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,547 Can you pull it out or anything? 153 00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:20,074 I don't know I'll try but 154 00:10:20,158 --> 00:10:22,433 Oh, yeah, there we are 155 00:10:22,518 --> 00:10:23,553 (LAUGHING) 156 00:10:23,638 --> 00:10:27,347 Had you going that time, didn't I, eh? Should have seen your face 157 00:10:27,438 --> 00:10:29,474 I thought you were going to have a seizure 158 00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:31,196 (LAUGHING) 159 00:10:33,718 --> 00:10:36,596 You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork 160 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:41,354 I know, I think we've marked up our choice on that colour chart out there 161 00:10:41,438 --> 00:10:42,791 Oh, right 162 00:10:45,558 --> 00:10:47,594 I put some fresh coffee on, by the way 163 00:10:47,678 --> 00:10:50,636 -Where is it? -It's in the jug, freshly brewed 164 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,357 Champion You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it? 165 00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:54,757 If you would 166 00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:03,236 -Did you want it white? -No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided 167 00:11:03,318 --> 00:11:06,151 Okay We'll get that ordered up for you 168 00:11:06,238 --> 00:11:08,274 Here you go It may be a bit full 169 00:11:08,358 --> 00:11:10,747 Thanks very much, that's fine 170 00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,315 (LAUGHING) 171 00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:18,070 I'm off, then 172 00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:22,996 You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today, I trust? 173 00:11:23,078 --> 00:11:26,753 I've got plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much 174 00:11:31,318 --> 00:11:34,037 Yes Evidently 175 00:11:40,478 --> 00:11:43,470 That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew See you same time tomorrow 176 00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:45,310 Yes, right! 177 00:11:46,158 --> 00:11:49,548 (MCKENDRICK SINGING) 178 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:00,713 (THUDDING) 179 00:12:00,798 --> 00:12:02,948 (MCKENDRICK SCREAMING) 180 00:12:10,038 --> 00:12:12,950 (GROANING) 181 00:12:13,278 --> 00:12:16,190 I just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head 182 00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:17,836 Oh, yeah 183 00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:22,997 Must have been a nail sticking out or something Oh, shit! 184 00:12:23,238 --> 00:12:26,628 Can't you do any better than that? It doesn't even look like real blood 185 00:12:26,718 --> 00:12:29,676 Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time 186 00:12:29,758 --> 00:12:32,556 I think I'll need an ambulance Seriously 187 00:12:32,638 --> 00:12:34,435 Utterly pathetic 188 00:12:35,678 --> 00:12:37,555 (GROANING) 189 00:12:37,718 --> 00:12:40,152 Oh, God! Here, sit down 190 00:12:40,238 --> 00:12:43,469 -I'll go and see if we've got some bandages -Thank you 191 00:12:43,558 --> 00:12:45,833 But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these 192 00:12:48,358 --> 00:12:52,431 Oh, come on, come on That was a good 'un 193 00:12:52,518 --> 00:12:57,194 You've got to admit Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty. 194 00:12:57,478 --> 00:13:00,550 There's a place in London, you can write off for it 195 00:13:00,638 --> 00:13:05,075 I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr McKendrick 196 00:13:05,158 --> 00:13:06,716 I think it's sick 197 00:13:07,878 --> 00:13:10,676 Twice in a row I've had her now She went white as a sheet 198 00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:13,192 (BOTH LAUGHING) 199 00:13:27,238 --> 00:13:31,356 Turning into bloody Harry Worth now What's wrong with you? 200 00:13:35,598 --> 00:13:37,828 What's that? I didn't know you'd been to the bank today 201 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,954 I haven't been to the bank 202 00:13:40,038 --> 00:13:43,155 £80 I've been to the grocer on the corner 203 00:13:43,238 --> 00:13:46,708 and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes 204 00:13:46,798 --> 00:13:51,076 -Why didn't you hand it in? -What, to dodgy Douglas? 205 00:13:51,158 --> 00:13:54,833 Who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one? 206 00:13:55,238 --> 00:13:57,069 Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he? 207 00:13:57,158 --> 00:13:59,626 -Well, you're going to go the police with it, then? -Oh 208 00:13:59,718 --> 00:14:03,757 Why, nobody's going to go in and ask if someone's handed in 209 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,597 four £20 notes 210 00:14:09,078 --> 00:14:12,309 -Well, you can't just keep it -Why not? 211 00:14:12,398 --> 00:14:16,027 Well, it might belong to a little old lady, an old-age pensioner or something 212 00:14:16,118 --> 00:14:20,270 There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace 213 00:14:20,358 --> 00:14:24,510 Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there isn't gonna miss £80 214 00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:26,156 And I'm hanging on to it 215 00:14:26,238 --> 00:14:30,311 And if you don't like it, you can lump it The pair of you! 216 00:14:30,518 --> 00:14:32,236 I just think 217 00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,229 The pair of us? 218 00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:40,837 In you come That's the ticket 219 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,350 Yes 220 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,508 Now, up you go Come on Up 221 00:14:50,878 --> 00:14:52,072 There we are 222 00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:53,147 (PHONE RINGING) 223 00:14:53,238 --> 00:14:56,787 You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes 224 00:15:01,478 --> 00:15:02,957 4291 225 00:15:03,878 --> 00:15:06,711 Oh, yes, hang on a sec 226 00:15:12,238 --> 00:15:15,150 Yes How do you spell that? 227 00:15:17,598 --> 00:15:20,271 Yeah Yeah 228 00:15:20,438 --> 00:15:24,511 Yes, thank you very much indeed That's a big help Thanks Bye 229 00:15:29,558 --> 00:15:33,312 Would you prefer it if I slept in the spare room tonight? 230 00:15:35,118 --> 00:15:38,952 What's got into you since you came back from work tonight? 231 00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:40,391 Nothing 232 00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:44,833 I take it that was them, ringing back? The Peking Palace? 233 00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:47,830 Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace 234 00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:51,228 They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations 235 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,878 and it turns out to be a chap called Croker 236 00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:57,792 Apparently, he lives outside the town of Cottleswood 237 00:15:57,878 --> 00:16:01,632 I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's 238 00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,674 Oh, did you? Fine 239 00:16:04,078 --> 00:16:08,117 Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean, it's It is his money 240 00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:09,711 Yes 241 00:16:10,118 --> 00:16:12,712 Well, I'd better get ready for bed 242 00:16:12,798 --> 00:16:16,677 If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts 243 00:16:21,318 --> 00:16:25,755 -That for the flooring? -It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew 244 00:16:25,838 --> 00:16:29,148 We got most of it down now Then we'll make a start on your rendering 245 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:32,150 Only I've got to go out for a few hours, so if I'm not back 246 00:16:32,238 --> 00:16:33,910 (DOORBELL RINGING) 247 00:16:36,958 --> 00:16:41,952 Where are they? And don't say they're not in here because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside 248 00:16:42,038 --> 00:16:44,029 -I beg your pardon -Yes, you! 249 00:16:44,118 --> 00:16:47,713 You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts! Four (BLEEP) weeks ago 250 00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:52,269 you were supposed to come and finish off my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting! 251 00:16:52,798 --> 00:16:54,868 Where do you think you're going? 252 00:16:55,158 --> 00:16:56,386 don't think you will 253 00:16:56,478 --> 00:16:58,992 If you had that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through 254 00:16:59,078 --> 00:17:01,672 with their football from next door and had his beak off 255 00:17:01,758 --> 00:17:02,793 (LAUGHING) 256 00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,267 Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you? 257 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,634 I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is 258 00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:11,875 (STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house you're fighting in 259 00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:15,268 Bloody (BLEEP) worthless I don't see why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this 260 00:17:15,358 --> 00:17:19,476 Don't lose your temper You'll only do something you'll regret 261 00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,469 (ARGUING) 262 00:17:22,438 --> 00:17:26,795 -Don't do anything silly up there -Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley 263 00:17:26,878 --> 00:17:30,791 -Mrs Stewkley! -Excuse me, excuse me! 264 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:36,548 MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down! 265 00:18:00,358 --> 00:18:03,031 MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower 266 00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:27,350 MAN: Everything all right down there? PIPPA: Yes! 267 00:18:28,038 --> 00:18:31,826 Masses of room in that garage now since you've had it done 268 00:18:31,958 --> 00:18:33,676 Oh 269 00:18:34,878 --> 00:18:38,473 -How are you, darling? -Relieved, as ever, 270 00:18:38,558 --> 00:18:40,389 to get away from that man 271 00:18:40,478 --> 00:18:42,628 Are things really that bad between you and him? 272 00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:47,075 I don't know how much longer we're going to last, the way things are going 273 00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:50,076 Oh, well, you're here now And we're in for the night, 274 00:18:50,158 --> 00:18:53,195 so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we? 275 00:18:53,278 --> 00:18:56,953 And get you upstairs 276 00:18:57,318 --> 00:19:00,196 Oh, I know what I meant to ask you When I was round your place yesterday, 277 00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:04,430 -I didn't drop any money at all, did I? -I didn't see any 278 00:19:07,198 --> 00:19:09,075 There we are 279 00:19:09,158 --> 00:19:12,707 I thought we'd eat about 8:30 if that's okay with you 280 00:19:12,798 --> 00:19:15,358 Give you time to settle in, freshen up 281 00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:19,067 You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house 282 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:23,276 where a man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window stark bollock naked 283 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,235 Without the stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence 284 00:19:27,318 --> 00:19:29,309 You know, when we left this afternoon, 285 00:19:29,398 --> 00:19:32,834 I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on 286 00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:35,671 People effing and blinding about pelicans 287 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:38,067 You just had to be there to believe it 288 00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,595 Oh, my God! 289 00:20:50,038 --> 00:20:54,270 You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it 290 00:20:54,678 --> 00:20:56,748 What's it supposed to be this time? 291 00:20:56,998 --> 00:20:59,990 Massive concussion of some kind? Good! 292 00:21:00,078 --> 00:21:03,275 I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense into your head 293 00:21:32,918 --> 00:21:35,557 Oh, what's happened here? 294 00:21:42,238 --> 00:21:46,026 Hello, I need an ambulance immediately 295 00:21:46,158 --> 00:21:48,388 That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew, 296 00:21:49,038 --> 00:21:51,347 but we got our van outside 297 00:21:52,518 --> 00:21:54,952 Three up to me, I think 298 00:21:55,038 --> 00:21:56,949 You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid 299 00:21:57,038 --> 00:21:58,949 Get out of here! 300 00:21:59,038 --> 00:22:00,949 (LAUGHING) 301 00:22:02,438 --> 00:22:04,269 Has he been at it again? 302 00:22:04,358 --> 00:22:07,748 Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Laurence 303 00:22:07,838 --> 00:22:11,353 See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew Oh, and be careful with that hatch 304 00:22:11,438 --> 00:22:15,909 We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay? 305 00:22:16,158 --> 00:22:18,114 Yes! Goodbye! 306 00:22:19,798 --> 00:22:22,835 (LAUGHING) 307 00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:37,666 (SIGHING) 308 00:22:37,758 --> 00:22:39,430 This is the life 309 00:22:41,158 --> 00:22:42,716 Fancy a beer or something? 310 00:22:42,798 --> 00:22:46,473 Oh, you could bring me a small Campari 311 00:22:48,798 --> 00:22:50,914 (WHISTLING) 312 00:22:56,238 --> 00:22:59,071 Glasses, glasses 313 00:23:21,398 --> 00:23:23,866 What are you doing here? 314 00:23:35,718 --> 00:23:37,356 You didn't bring me one, then? 315 00:23:37,438 --> 00:23:39,952 -He's in the larder -What? 316 00:23:40,038 --> 00:23:43,235 -He's downstairs in the larder -Who is? 317 00:23:43,878 --> 00:23:45,277 Who? 318 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:50,354 Who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes? 319 00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:53,555 -Mr Meldrew -Is this some sort of joke? 320 00:23:54,678 --> 00:23:57,795 Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes 321 00:23:57,958 --> 00:24:01,428 He had the temerity to ask me what I was doing here 322 00:24:03,598 --> 00:24:07,432 The time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer 323 00:24:08,718 --> 00:24:12,757 I wonder if they still advertise them in People's Friend? 324 00:24:15,438 --> 00:24:16,996 (DOOR CLOSING) 325 00:24:21,598 --> 00:24:23,190 God Almighty! 326 00:24:23,278 --> 00:24:27,476 You know what? It only belonged to her bloody brother next door 327 00:24:27,558 --> 00:24:30,470 I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend 328 00:24:30,558 --> 00:24:33,755 I hid in the bloody cupboard 329 00:24:34,198 --> 00:24:36,348 Talk about total laughingstock 330 00:24:36,438 --> 00:24:40,192 You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk 331 00:24:53,598 --> 00:24:55,350 What 332 00:25:00,238 --> 00:25:01,466 What 333 00:25:04,718 --> 00:25:07,949 (STUTTERING) 334 00:25:09,678 --> 00:25:12,795 What's the matter with you? Got a splinter in your tongue? 335 00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:14,357 What did 336 00:25:15,318 --> 00:25:16,956 Splinter in my tongue? 337 00:25:17,038 --> 00:25:19,632 Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue? 338 00:25:19,718 --> 00:25:21,470 I've no idea 339 00:25:21,558 --> 00:25:25,346 I don't believe you could do a thing like this 340 00:25:25,438 --> 00:25:28,589 Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own 341 00:25:28,678 --> 00:25:32,830 When you can't control everything they do like nice, little dumb blondes 342 00:25:32,918 --> 00:25:34,271 Dumb blonde 343 00:25:34,358 --> 00:25:37,156 It's only a lump of wood, Margaret That's all it is 344 00:25:37,238 --> 00:25:39,752 That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her 345 00:25:39,838 --> 00:25:42,989 and sticking your head up her skirt for the last 24 hours 346 00:25:45,798 --> 00:25:48,437 Have you gone stark raving mad? 347 00:25:48,518 --> 00:25:52,113 Yes, probably I wouldn't be surprised 348 00:25:52,238 --> 00:25:55,230 I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age 349 00:25:55,318 --> 00:25:57,593 and you're not fit for anything anymore 350 00:25:57,678 --> 00:26:00,511 Yes, I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it? 351 00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:03,635 -Explain what? -Why I've lost my job! 352 00:26:17,438 --> 00:26:19,668 When did this happen? 353 00:26:20,158 --> 00:26:21,796 Yesterday 354 00:26:22,398 --> 00:26:26,357 Mr Farmer came in, said they were closing the shop 355 00:26:27,678 --> 00:26:31,034 Business wasn't there anymore and that was it 356 00:26:32,278 --> 00:26:36,874 He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon we needn't bother coming in anymore 357 00:26:38,118 --> 00:26:42,555 All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital 358 00:26:43,118 --> 00:26:47,350 That's why you wanted to keep the money Why didn't you say? 359 00:26:48,598 --> 00:26:51,032 I couldn't I didn't 360 00:26:52,518 --> 00:26:54,634 (SIGHING) 361 00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:59,231 The thought of what's gonna happen to me now 362 00:26:59,398 --> 00:27:01,628 What I'm gonna turn into 363 00:27:02,478 --> 00:27:05,356 What are you going to turn into? 364 00:27:06,078 --> 00:27:07,511 You 365 00:27:13,078 --> 00:27:17,993 Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls 366 00:27:19,918 --> 00:27:21,715 I was frightened 367 00:27:22,318 --> 00:27:23,637 I'm sorry 368 00:27:23,798 --> 00:27:26,073 No, I'm sorry 369 00:27:29,238 --> 00:27:32,071 Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk? 370 00:27:32,158 --> 00:27:36,231 -Yes, right -I'll go and pour us two large ones 371 00:27:36,598 --> 00:27:40,910 If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today 372 00:27:43,118 --> 00:27:45,154 Oh, Victor! 373 00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,592 If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful 374 00:27:48,678 --> 00:27:52,148 because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the trapdoor to 375 00:27:57,958 --> 00:28:01,268 # They say I might as well face the truth 376 00:28:01,358 --> 00:28:04,873 # That I am just too long in the tooth 377 00:28:04,958 --> 00:28:08,234 # I've started to deteriorate 378 00:28:08,318 --> 00:28:11,913 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date 379 00:28:11,998 --> 00:28:15,308 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 380 00:28:15,398 --> 00:28:18,788 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 381 00:28:18,998 --> 00:28:22,388 #And my old knees have started to knock 382 00:28:22,478 --> 00:28:25,675 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 383 00:28:25,758 --> 00:28:29,831 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 384 00:28:29,918 --> 00:28:33,149 # It's true that my body has seen better days 385 00:28:33,238 --> 00:28:36,992 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 386 00:28:37,278 --> 00:28:40,190 # One foot in the grave 387 00:28:40,398 --> 00:28:43,470 # One foot in the grave 388 00:28:44,038 --> 00:28:46,916 # One foot in the grave # 389 00:28:47,916 --> 00:28:57,916 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org