1
00:00:03,007 --> 00:00:06,158
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:09,565
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:10,087 --> 00:00:12,999
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,527 --> 00:00:16,564
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:21,040
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:21,127 --> 00:00:24,483
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:27,877
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,247 --> 00:00:30,602
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,647 --> 00:00:37,879
Okay And finally, Patrick,
three things that cause you stress
10
00:00:37,967 --> 00:00:41,243
Remember, we discuss them, we disable them
11
00:00:41,647 --> 00:00:43,638
Erm, only three
12
00:00:43,727 --> 00:00:47,606
Well, let's see Work, I suppose
It hasn't been much fun,
13
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:51,157
since the man who lived next door
killed my chances of promotion
14
00:00:51,607 --> 00:00:54,599
Family, never quite managed to start one
15
00:00:54,687 --> 00:00:58,521
after the man who lived next door
sabotaged my sperm count
16
00:00:58,607 --> 00:01:02,566
And, of course, our new house
has never really felt like home
17
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,247
what with the man who lived next door
losing all our furniture
18
00:01:05,327 --> 00:01:09,206
Ah, now I think I see a pattern
beginning to emerge here
19
00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:14,759
The demonising of this mythic figure in your life
suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work
20
00:01:14,847 --> 00:01:17,566
Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that
21
00:01:17,687 --> 00:01:22,078
But I swear to you,
this person has totally dogged my life
22
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:26,001
We're talking about a man here
who for reasons utterly impenetrable
23
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:31,121
drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet
singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man,
24
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:36,486
then proceeded to demolish her summer house
and poison the entire garden
25
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:39,081
by spraying it with cocaine
26
00:01:39,407 --> 00:01:42,046
And the reduction in your fertility?
27
00:01:42,207 --> 00:01:46,325
An impromptu vasectomy
performed by a crab up my beach shorts
28
00:01:51,447 --> 00:01:53,483
RAJEEV: Yes?
29
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:56,716
No, I just
30
00:01:56,847 --> 00:02:00,681
Okay, to eradicate the problem
you must first confront it
31
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,485
Go back and visit this man
32
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:06,242
You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it
33
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:07,796
Right
34
00:02:07,887 --> 00:02:11,482
RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions
in our life?
35
00:02:11,767 --> 00:02:16,124
By understanding the therapeutic nature
of a fundamental human mechanism,
36
00:02:16,207 --> 00:02:17,799
the act of laughing
37
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:21,800
Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits,
it stimulates the diaphragm,
38
00:02:21,887 --> 00:02:25,880
assisting our breathing
and so relieving our stress
39
00:02:25,967 --> 00:02:29,846
So, for a count of 1 0, please, with lots of gusto
40
00:02:30,447 --> 00:02:31,675
(ALL LAUGHING)
41
00:02:44,727 --> 00:02:45,716
(TUTTING)
42
00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:51,040
The trash you read in this local nowadays
43
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:53,357
Do you remember that comedian
with the big teeth?
44
00:02:54,447 --> 00:02:58,486
Printed such a terrible write-up of his act,
he went home and jumped off the roof
45
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:03,638
They've only got a review
of his suicide in here now
46
00:03:03,887 --> 00:03:06,355
Page 1 7, ''Arts critic Marjorie Quayle
47
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,678
''is unimpressed by comic's final caper''
48
00:03:10,327 --> 00:03:14,206
If you want to do something useful
you can put this washing in the machine for me
49
00:03:14,287 --> 00:03:18,758
It's mostly woollens,
so make sure you set it at the right temperature
50
00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:22,357
''Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes
51
00:03:22,447 --> 00:03:26,326
''the sudden death last night
of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett
52
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,841
''by plummeting from a tall building
53
00:03:28,927 --> 00:03:32,044
''fell as flat on his face as the man himself
54
00:03:32,807 --> 00:03:37,005
''Ranked against the self-destruction
of other famous funsters,
55
00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:40,363
''this creaky cri de coeur
56
00:03:40,447 --> 00:03:45,043
''lacked the vintage martyrdom
of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle
57
00:03:46,287 --> 00:03:50,883
''and was about as emotionally unsettling
as a bag of winkles''
58
00:03:51,887 --> 00:03:55,960
He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke
59
00:03:56,647 --> 00:03:59,957
Gave it one star for ''Don't bother''
60
00:04:00,127 --> 00:04:03,164
Did you hear me? I'll be out the back
61
00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:05,124
Yes
62
00:04:11,007 --> 00:04:12,076
Morning
63
00:04:12,247 --> 00:04:16,240
Morning Hello, Buster Oh, on your lunch break?
64
00:04:16,327 --> 00:04:19,876
I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew,
but we've had a few calls
65
00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:24,165
about an extremely loud television
blasting out of your bedroom at all hours
66
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,959
My God, is this it?
67
00:04:31,047 --> 00:04:32,765
What have you got in there?
The Empire Leicester Square?
68
00:04:32,847 --> 00:04:36,965
Yes I'll spare you the plot of another
Whitehall farce, Roger
69
00:04:37,087 --> 00:04:39,317
Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words
70
00:04:39,407 --> 00:04:41,682
''1 5-inch'' and ''50-inch''
sounding very similar over the phone
71
00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:44,235
They're supposed to be coming to take it back
next week
72
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:46,966
Only Mr Blithery says
the vibrations from Moira Stuart
73
00:04:47,047 --> 00:04:48,765
have been loosening his false leg
74
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:52,323
Phone call for you It's Pippa
75
00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:55,365
Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me?
76
00:05:01,887 --> 00:05:05,641
Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it,
it's gonna grow? Come here
77
00:05:28,727 --> 00:05:32,606
I know, it must be absolutely ages
78
00:05:33,647 --> 00:05:34,636
Mmm-hmm
79
00:05:46,527 --> 00:05:49,246
Oh, yes Easily
80
00:05:49,327 --> 00:05:50,840
Anyway, how are things?
81
00:05:50,927 --> 00:05:54,237
Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told
82
00:05:54,327 --> 00:05:57,797
With it being Patrick's
time of the month and everything
83
00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:01,524
You know that thing men go through
where they can't open their mouths
84
00:06:01,607 --> 00:06:03,916
without getting right on your tits
85
00:06:04,087 --> 00:06:05,884
(SILENCE)
86
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:10,118
What with that and Denzel losing his voice
87
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,763
Anyway, how about you?
88
00:06:14,887 --> 00:06:19,881
Oh, yes Still ticking over, thanks for asking
89
00:06:20,527 --> 00:06:25,521
Did I tell you I'm doing some work
for this agency as a part-time care assistant?
90
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:28,122
Oh, you know, visiting one or two people
91
00:06:28,207 --> 00:06:31,119
Getting them washed
and dressed in the mornings
92
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:34,080
Oh, of course, Victor's got his new
window cleaning round
93
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,442
which seems to be keeping him out of mischief
94
00:06:36,527 --> 00:06:38,757
Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps
95
00:06:38,847 --> 00:06:41,520
the two of us are going out
for a bite to eat tonight
96
00:06:41,607 --> 00:06:45,043
Why don't you call us? Right Bye
97
00:06:47,847 --> 00:06:50,315
Victor, what the hell are you doing?
98
00:06:50,687 --> 00:06:53,076
It's all right
I think you're going to be able to wear them
99
00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:55,476
It's just,
I may have left them in a little bit too long
100
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:57,637
Oh, will you stop that!
101
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:01,677
This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady
who's just come out of hospital
102
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:03,120
and her three children
103
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:06,481
God spare us!
104
00:07:07,687 --> 00:07:10,997
This is what I wear, you think?
105
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:14,006
Look what you've done to these now!
106
00:07:14,087 --> 00:07:15,076
(DOORBELL RINGING)
107
00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:17,238
I'm sorry, I I don't
108
00:07:21,727 --> 00:07:24,241
Ah, thank you very much
109
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:28,838
Can this possibly be
110
00:07:28,927 --> 00:07:32,636
our handmade silk-screen wallpaper
for the spare bedroom?
111
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,122
I'd just about given up hope
112
00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:39,041
It's a wonder they sent it at all
The way you kept moaning on at them,
113
00:07:39,127 --> 00:07:42,403
ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton
114
00:07:43,007 --> 00:07:46,522
I merely asked them what kind of
medieval printing process they were using
115
00:07:46,607 --> 00:07:50,077
that meant we had to wait 1 5 weeks
for a simple order
116
00:07:50,967 --> 00:07:55,245
Didn't care for his attitude one bit,
that one that looked like Frank Zappa
117
00:07:55,687 --> 00:08:00,636
Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us
for this Chinese tonight,
118
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:03,116
as it's such a long time since we've seen them
119
00:08:03,207 --> 00:08:06,119
No, not since we stayed over
at their house that night
120
00:08:06,207 --> 00:08:08,675
and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed
121
00:08:10,447 --> 00:08:14,679
And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around
just as I was getting undressed
122
00:08:15,247 --> 00:08:19,479
Staring up between my legs
and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week
123
00:08:20,007 --> 00:08:23,158
I don't know what he thought he was about to
124
00:08:24,527 --> 00:08:28,679
Oh, I do not believe
125
00:08:29,487 --> 00:08:31,762
Will you look at this?
126
00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:45,801
Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this?
127
00:08:47,287 --> 00:08:51,565
I'll skin their ruddy hides for them!
128
00:08:55,407 --> 00:08:58,399
Oh, there we are
If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday
129
00:08:58,487 --> 00:09:01,923
there's a Jackson Pollock going
begging at Sotheby's for two million
130
00:09:02,287 --> 00:09:04,642
Just fill this wall rather nicely
131
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:09,961
Failing that, I don't know, something from
Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or
132
00:09:10,207 --> 00:09:12,562
So, that's it then, is it?
133
00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:16,799
You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew
tonight on principle?
134
00:09:16,887 --> 00:09:19,481
Just 'cause of what's happened in the past?
135
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:23,640
My dear, the police were digging up bones
in his back garden this morning
136
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,478
(SILENCE)
137
00:09:27,887 --> 00:09:30,003
I hope I don't need to remind you
138
00:09:30,087 --> 00:09:33,602
what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew
with no clothes on did to this poor little mite
139
00:09:33,687 --> 00:09:35,837
Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think
140
00:09:36,087 --> 00:09:39,477
We don't know it was that that made him
141
00:09:40,087 --> 00:09:42,396
What the hell is all this?
142
00:09:42,607 --> 00:09:46,566
''Congratulations
I'm pleased to announce that you,
143
00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:49,286
''head of Reader's Digest junk mail,
144
00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:52,439
''are one of the lucky winners
in my special prize draw
145
00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:57,521
''and have been selected to receive
at least one of the following sensational gifts
146
00:09:57,687 --> 00:10:01,760
''A pair of diamond earrings,
worth at least £1 0,000,
147
00:10:01,847 --> 00:10:05,283
''a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki,
148
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:07,119
''or a dead rat
149
00:10:08,207 --> 00:10:12,883
''Open now to see which of these prizes is yours''
150
00:10:14,967 --> 00:10:18,357
Oh, my God I feel sick
151
00:10:20,207 --> 00:10:25,235
''Yes, this is just one of a series of
rotting rodents that are yours to examine
152
00:10:25,327 --> 00:10:27,887
''free of charge in your own home
153
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:32,040
''Please rush me
a decomposing squirrel by return of post''
154
00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:36,166
Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like
a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change
155
00:10:36,247 --> 00:10:38,556
You know who you're starting to turn into,
don't you?
156
00:10:38,647 --> 00:10:39,636
Hmm?
157
00:10:39,727 --> 00:10:44,278
And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it
158
00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:09,043
Time of the month
159
00:11:13,407 --> 00:11:16,843
Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother
160
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:21,921
Brand new pair of trousers
and can't budge it for love nor money
161
00:11:29,847 --> 00:11:33,556
No matter what you buy nowadays,
there's always got to be a problem
162
00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:37,677
I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
163
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:42,045
Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort
when this arrived
164
00:11:42,287 --> 00:11:46,485
(IMITATING MRS WARBOYS)
''It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?''
165
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,324
I mean, she must've known it was
the wrong model, for goodness sake!
166
00:11:50,407 --> 00:11:54,878
Oh, will you keep still!
Jigging about like a Morris dancer
167
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,725
There!
168
00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:58,802
Now come on
169
00:11:58,887 --> 00:12:03,642
We've got 45 minutes to get to this place
and woe betide you if it's not up to standard
170
00:12:03,727 --> 00:12:06,639
I've heard some very dodgy stories
about this restaurant
171
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,716
Meaning what?
172
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:11,965
Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure
this is a misprint
173
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:18,316
Meaning what, Margaret?
174
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,401
Well, that was absolutelyerm
175
00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:25,840
Horrible
176
00:12:25,927 --> 00:12:27,042
If I'm honest
177
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,277
Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived
178
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:33,406
and they'd burnt the beak,
it was a sure sign of things Victor!
179
00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:37,719
We've already established it doesn't work
Will you stop trying to force it?
180
00:12:39,847 --> 00:12:41,360
Oh, sorry
181
00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:47,477
Now, now, I don't know why you're
(HICCUPPING) moaning
182
00:12:48,207 --> 00:12:51,165
I think this has all been verytasty nosh
183
00:12:52,287 --> 00:12:55,165
So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday
coming up
184
00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:57,283
What are you going to get him?
Have you decided yet?
185
00:12:57,367 --> 00:13:01,406
Well, he's been dropping hints about
a painting for his office, but
186
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,684
Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something
on modern art
187
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,564
Oh, well
188
00:13:06,807 --> 00:13:10,482
Didn't you say there's an artist who lives
on your window cleaning round?
189
00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:12,842
Perhaps you could find out
if he's got anything decent to sell
190
00:13:12,927 --> 00:13:15,157
I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning
191
00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:20,401
In the meantime, I think I'll go for
a pistachio ice cream for dessert
192
00:13:22,007 --> 00:13:23,804
Be back in two shakes
193
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:36,242
(THUMPING)
194
00:13:55,647 --> 00:13:58,684
Oh, for mercy's sake, go down!
195
00:14:34,727 --> 00:14:39,403
So, I suppose I've got to take the blame
for all this now, have I, as usual?
196
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:43,924
Yes, whose idea was it to come to this
God-awful dive? Please do remind me
197
00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:46,646
I mean, when I booked the table,
it completely slipped my mind
198
00:14:46,727 --> 00:14:49,525
to enquire about the underground
brothel facilities
199
00:14:49,647 --> 00:14:51,046
Go to empty your bladder in good faith
200
00:14:51,127 --> 00:14:54,403
and you don't expect to be yanked off
by the local vice ring
201
00:14:54,487 --> 00:14:58,526
Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to
the phrase ''popping out for a Chinese''
202
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,076
You sure you don't want us to run you home?
203
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,840
No, I'll be fine Taxi'll be here in a tick
204
00:15:03,927 --> 00:15:06,964
You two get along, have an early night
205
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,276
I'll phone you tomorrow
206
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:09,686
-Night
-Good night
207
00:15:09,887 --> 00:15:11,559
Can I get you a drink, madam?
208
00:15:11,647 --> 00:15:15,925
-Okay, I'll have white wine, please
-Thank you
209
00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:35,605
-Hello...
-Good morning
210
00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:38,838
...do you suffer from a clenched colon?
211
00:15:38,927 --> 00:15:40,042
I beg your pardon?
212
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:44,200
Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal
and your tummy all puffed up
213
00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:46,039
like it's about to explode?
214
00:15:46,127 --> 00:15:50,006
Well, you could be one of thousands
of women in Britain today
215
00:15:50,087 --> 00:15:53,716
who suffer the misery and social embarrassment
of IBS.
216
00:15:53,807 --> 00:15:56,799
Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in
to talk to us all about this. Derek...
217
00:15:56,887 --> 00:15:58,923
(ON TV) ...in which the normal operation
of the bowel has
218
00:15:59,007 --> 00:16:01,077
for some reason become impaired. The normal...
219
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,566
What's going on here?
220
00:16:02,647 --> 00:16:06,799
Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road
rang up to say her TV is on the blink
221
00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:11,796
and would we mind if she watched an item on
irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars?
222
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,481
She's virtually house-bound, you know
And she suffers from
223
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:15,556
(VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE)
224
00:16:15,647 --> 00:16:17,478
-...or like somebody standing on a hosepipe?
-Exactly.
225
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:18,636
Hello?
226
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:23,726
Oh, yes, right Sorry
227
00:16:28,767 --> 00:16:31,998
Who were you trying to ring?
228
00:16:32,087 --> 00:16:34,726
Well, I was going to have another go
at those wallpaper merchants
229
00:16:34,807 --> 00:16:38,766
but I suppose it can wait
I've got to be on my way anyway
230
00:16:39,487 --> 00:16:42,399
You won't forget to call in on that artist
on your way
231
00:16:42,487 --> 00:16:45,320
and see if you can get something
for Patrick's birthday
232
00:16:45,407 --> 00:16:48,080
If he's there, yes
233
00:16:48,247 --> 00:16:50,920
...tough muscular tract whose principal function,
234
00:16:51,007 --> 00:16:52,599
the absorption of all the water...
235
00:16:52,687 --> 00:16:53,756
(VICTOR HUFFING)
236
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,121
...in their diet...
237
00:17:06,447 --> 00:17:09,678
I suppose you know you're going to go
right through that thing in a minute,
238
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,359
puncture the cabinet
239
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:12,436
PATRICK: Mmm-hmm
240
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:33,922
''Congratulations on choosing the new advanced
miracle freezer that will never need defrosting''
241
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,644
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
242
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:41,356
(HISSING)
243
00:17:42,647 --> 00:17:46,640
PIPPA: Margaret!
I wasn't expecting you this morning
244
00:17:47,007 --> 00:17:51,523
Well, I'm actually between house calls,
but as I was in the area, I thought
245
00:17:51,607 --> 00:17:54,075
A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss
246
00:17:57,287 --> 00:17:58,686
Where are you off to?
247
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:00,883
Just popping out for a secondfreezer
248
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:03,765
-What?
-Just popping out for a second freezer,
249
00:18:03,847 --> 00:18:07,283
in case the first one packs up
Which, of course, it has
250
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:11,804
Bloody freezers So, erm, I'll see you later,
Mrs Meldrew Are you well?
251
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:18,124
Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway,
252
00:18:18,207 --> 00:18:20,641
after last night's fun and games
253
00:18:21,007 --> 00:18:25,717
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes
254
00:18:27,887 --> 00:18:29,605
(STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it?
255
00:18:29,687 --> 00:18:31,279
Why? What happened?
256
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:36,362
After you'd gone, I got chatting
to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar?
257
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:40,364
His name was Warren,
he was there on his own and
258
00:18:42,647 --> 00:18:45,286
Oh, God! Pippa!
259
00:18:45,647 --> 00:18:49,481
His wife was away on business
He said, did I want to come back for coffee?
260
00:18:49,767 --> 00:18:54,682
I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee,
all right then
261
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,004
And about 55 brandies later
262
00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:01,079
I don't know if you've ever had sex
under anaesthetic
263
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,401
Now, here's the killer, Margaret
264
00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:07,042
When I was in the cab coming home,
265
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:11,081
I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket
266
00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:14,324
-For your taxi fare, I suppose
-Or something else?
267
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:17,122
Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant
268
00:19:17,327 --> 00:19:20,000
What if he thought I was part of the merchandise?
269
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,206
Twenty pounds?
270
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,039
A loss leader?
271
00:19:25,807 --> 00:19:29,243
The thing is, I've got to know
one way or the other,
272
00:19:29,487 --> 00:19:32,399
being a bit of cheap trade
I could just about deal with,
273
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:35,559
I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time,
274
00:19:35,647 --> 00:19:39,526
but if I found out I was having an affair last night
275
00:19:39,727 --> 00:19:43,276
Well, that's why I've got to see him again
I've got to find out
276
00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:46,919
one way or the other, for my own sanity
277
00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:53,126
Here we go, then That's the last of them
278
00:19:53,647 --> 00:19:56,445
Now, it's fantastic!
279
00:19:56,687 --> 00:20:00,441
I think sir is going to be
well pleased when he gets back
280
00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:01,562
(DOORBELL RINGING)
281
00:20:01,647 --> 00:20:03,558
Oh, is that the front door?
282
00:20:03,727 --> 00:20:05,479
I'll leave you to it, then
283
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:07,717
If you need anything, give me a shout
284
00:20:10,847 --> 00:20:14,681
As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment
in South Africa
285
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:18,601
But anything you wanted to make an offer on
I could give him a call
286
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:22,636
These would all go for about 700 or 800
in a gallery
287
00:20:25,487 --> 00:20:30,436
Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not
quite sure how much she's prepared to spend
288
00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:34,356
Of course,
his international profile is rising all the time
289
00:20:34,447 --> 00:20:37,359
Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist
290
00:20:38,047 --> 00:20:41,756
Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with,
that's it
291
00:20:41,927 --> 00:20:44,157
Out it goes Trash
292
00:21:01,487 --> 00:21:03,205
Ah, amazing, isn't it?
293
00:21:03,327 --> 00:21:07,445
Something like this can be just thrown away when
you think of what some people would pay for it
294
00:21:08,007 --> 00:21:11,397
Well, it's only going in the skip
If you can find a use for it
295
00:21:12,087 --> 00:21:13,440
Oh, really?
296
00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:26,236
Absolutely hideous!
297
00:21:28,647 --> 00:21:31,878
You honestly think
Patrick will want this on his wall?
298
00:21:32,847 --> 00:21:34,644
What's it meant to be?
299
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:38,003
It's not meant to be anything It's an abstract
300
00:21:38,087 --> 00:21:40,476
It's different things to different people
301
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:45,358
I thought I might just give it a simple black frame
and it could be a present to him from us
302
00:21:46,487 --> 00:21:50,082
It stinks to high heaven, I know that much
303
00:21:50,367 --> 00:21:53,518
You say people pay 700 quid for this?
304
00:21:54,007 --> 00:21:56,601
They must be out of their tiny minds!
305
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,081
Ha! You know why?
306
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,364
It's upside down
307
00:22:09,447 --> 00:22:12,200
(STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers,
don't you think you should
308
00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:17,880
No Right Okay, then, bye
309
00:22:19,967 --> 00:22:23,243
That's 1 6 people all called to cancel now
310
00:22:23,967 --> 00:22:26,276
Why should that happen all of a sudden?
311
00:22:26,567 --> 00:22:30,196
Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner
in the area poaching your customers
312
00:22:31,607 --> 00:22:34,405
You know, I think it's starting to grow on me
313
00:22:35,047 --> 00:22:38,437
The more you look at it, the more you see
what he was trying to get at
314
00:22:39,447 --> 00:22:44,441
The way the colours are all
quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it
315
00:22:45,687 --> 00:22:49,646
If it goes on like this, I won't have
any more calls left before long
316
00:22:53,847 --> 00:22:55,075
Thanks
317
00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:58,723
Might have to start and sell my body
to that Chinese restaurant
318
00:23:02,407 --> 00:23:04,477
God! Victor!
319
00:23:05,287 --> 00:23:10,202
Leave it to me I'll sort it Oh! Just eat your tea
320
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:25,241
I saw a programme once
where they took three months
321
00:23:25,727 --> 00:23:28,116
to restore a damaged Rembrandt
322
00:23:28,487 --> 00:23:31,479
If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries
323
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:43,320
That does it
324
00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:46,959
What is it now!
325
00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:51,646
This parish magazine,
you'll never believe what they print!
326
00:23:52,367 --> 00:23:55,165
A review of my window cleaning
327
00:23:57,767 --> 00:24:02,716
''In her occasional series about odd-job men,
local arts critic Marjorie Quayle
328
00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:06,482
''accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew''
329
00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:09,876
I didn't even know she was one of my customers
330
00:24:10,447 --> 00:24:14,076
''His squeegee action is limp and flaccid
331
00:24:15,567 --> 00:24:18,877
''His entire subtext mired in cliché,
332
00:24:19,007 --> 00:24:23,239
''where one longs for
broad strokes of sparkling clarity,
333
00:24:23,367 --> 00:24:27,883
''Meldrew has nothing to offer
but a thoughtless residue of suds
334
00:24:29,047 --> 00:24:31,766
''As for his technique with the chamois leather,
335
00:24:32,207 --> 00:24:35,244
''I have seen it more deftly manipulated
336
00:24:35,847 --> 00:24:38,122
''on a goat's arse''
337
00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:46,165
Well, that's a stinker
No wonder your business is dropping off
338
00:24:47,007 --> 00:24:50,317
I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake
339
00:24:51,567 --> 00:24:54,286
Why have people got to be so cruel?
340
00:24:59,887 --> 00:25:02,959
That's Liddy He's a little sweetheart, aren't you?
341
00:25:03,407 --> 00:25:05,523
And this here is Segretti
342
00:25:06,007 --> 00:25:09,636
And out there, eating the pansies,
that's Magruder
343
00:25:09,767 --> 00:25:13,123
So, are all your pets named after
Watergate conspirators?
344
00:25:13,207 --> 00:25:15,562
I tell you,
it's a fascinating period of American history
345
00:25:15,647 --> 00:25:17,444
You ever see All the President's Men?
346
00:25:17,527 --> 00:25:21,122
Listen, about the other night,
347
00:25:21,207 --> 00:25:24,483
I had had quite a lot to drink and
348
00:25:24,567 --> 00:25:27,843
Warren, can I just stop you there for a second?
349
00:25:28,007 --> 00:25:30,601
That money you put in my purse afterwards
350
00:25:30,687 --> 00:25:33,201
Oh, was more than enough, I hope
351
00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:34,966
for the taxi
352
00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:39,601
Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this
Either of us
353
00:25:39,687 --> 00:25:43,362
It's just, there comes a time in any marriage
when you need a little break
354
00:25:43,647 --> 00:25:46,207
When you go abroad for holiday
doesn't mean you have to emigrate
355
00:25:46,287 --> 00:25:50,917
Yes Well, I really don't think
it's a good idea for us to
356
00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:53,676
Is this your wife?
357
00:25:54,327 --> 00:25:56,522
Oh, yes That's Sally
358
00:25:56,927 --> 00:25:59,964
Bloody hell She's gorgeous
359
00:26:00,247 --> 00:26:01,839
Well, she is
360
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:05,924
in her own way and you in yours
361
00:26:07,327 --> 00:26:10,558
Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva
362
00:26:11,527 --> 00:26:12,516
So
363
00:26:26,767 --> 00:26:29,520
Warren, I can't
364
00:26:31,287 --> 00:26:32,276
(CAT MEOWING)
365
00:26:35,207 --> 00:26:37,437
Oh Hi
366
00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:39,759
Can you believe it?
367
00:26:39,847 --> 00:26:42,202
Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on
368
00:26:43,487 --> 00:26:45,842
Sorry to interrupt Bye
369
00:26:49,087 --> 00:26:51,681
His sister? Oh, you're joking!
370
00:26:51,767 --> 00:26:54,884
Apparently they share a house
but she's hardly ever there
371
00:26:55,327 --> 00:26:57,795
Of course, he wanted me to think he was married
372
00:26:57,887 --> 00:27:01,038
That way there was no danger
of it getting serious
373
00:27:01,407 --> 00:27:05,116
I mean, I think that's absolutely
the worst kind of cheat, don't you?
374
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:08,244
Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't
375
00:27:09,007 --> 00:27:13,558
Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener
376
00:27:13,727 --> 00:27:16,924
in the shape of Denzel Junior
377
00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:18,356
Yes
378
00:27:18,447 --> 00:27:20,836
You can talk, can't you?
379
00:27:21,887 --> 00:27:25,243
I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting
380
00:27:25,327 --> 00:27:29,718
he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight
for me to broach the dreaded subject
381
00:27:29,887 --> 00:27:33,118
Now, not a peep out of you till I say
382
00:27:34,127 --> 00:27:35,401
MARGARET: Patrick
383
00:27:35,927 --> 00:27:37,645
Many happy returns
384
00:27:38,207 --> 00:27:41,279
I think Victor has got a little surprise for you
385
00:27:41,367 --> 00:27:42,356
Upstairs
386
00:27:49,007 --> 00:27:51,965
Well I, erm I don't know what to say
387
00:27:52,927 --> 00:27:54,679
Rather taken aback
388
00:27:55,487 --> 00:27:58,001
I suppose you're wondering where it came from
389
00:27:58,567 --> 00:28:00,046
Well, that's right
390
00:28:00,607 --> 00:28:03,075
Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess
391
00:28:04,527 --> 00:28:07,087
The rectum of a very nervous albatross?
392
00:28:08,407 --> 00:28:11,638
Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery?
393
00:28:12,287 --> 00:28:15,245
Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew,
you certainly haven't lost your touch
394
00:28:15,327 --> 00:28:18,205
And when your wife said
you had a little surprise lined up for me,
395
00:28:18,287 --> 00:28:21,643
I'll admit one or two
old favourites did spring to mind
396
00:28:21,727 --> 00:28:24,161
A gift pack of your own worn underpants
397
00:28:24,247 --> 00:28:26,807
Ajeroboam of cat's urine
398
00:28:26,887 --> 00:28:30,846
But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness,
this has to take the biscuit
399
00:28:31,207 --> 00:28:33,960
What are you saying? You don't like it?
400
00:28:34,327 --> 00:28:37,797
Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like?
It's excrement
401
00:28:39,207 --> 00:28:42,483
Oh, how very gracious of you to say so
402
00:28:42,767 --> 00:28:44,678
I don't know why I bother sometimes
403
00:28:44,887 --> 00:28:48,197
You try and build bridges, and what happens?
I should have known better
404
00:28:48,287 --> 00:28:51,757
-Victor!
-You're not gonna leave this here?
405
00:28:52,007 --> 00:28:53,918
What is it? What's happening?
406
00:28:54,007 --> 00:28:56,601
How do you even attempt
to get inside a mind like that?
407
00:28:56,687 --> 00:29:01,238
It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of
plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday,
408
00:29:01,327 --> 00:29:05,445
but for some reason he imagines
he can take the curse off the smell
409
00:29:05,527 --> 00:29:07,995
with trace elements of tomato ketchup
410
00:29:08,767 --> 00:29:10,997
Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here
411
00:29:16,327 --> 00:29:19,524
I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill
412
00:29:19,647 --> 00:29:21,046
(SILENCE)
413
00:29:21,767 --> 00:29:23,644
(BARKING)
414
00:29:40,647 --> 00:29:43,286
Well, I don't know I
415
00:29:43,527 --> 00:29:46,485
We knew the artist wasn't happy with it
416
00:29:47,047 --> 00:29:51,438
but, as you say, why do people have to be
so horribly critical?
417
00:29:52,767 --> 00:29:54,883
How many cancellations now?
418
00:29:54,967 --> 00:29:58,323
More than enough, I think,
to convince me I should chuck it all in
419
00:29:58,927 --> 00:30:01,919
Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle
420
00:30:03,687 --> 00:30:06,565
I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know?
421
00:30:07,047 --> 00:30:11,279
That she could do something like that
without knowing whether she's been used or not
422
00:30:11,367 --> 00:30:14,723
-You'd think it'd be obvious at the time
-For some men, the height of sexual arousal...
423
00:30:14,807 --> 00:30:17,037
-...can only be achieved...
-something odd was going on
424
00:30:17,127 --> 00:30:19,083
...by being pampered like a baby.
425
00:30:19,167 --> 00:30:20,964
People might say I'm abusing the system
426
00:30:21,047 --> 00:30:23,880
to indulge my own erotic fantasies
427
00:30:24,727 --> 00:30:28,640
but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one.
Who's getting hurt?
428
00:30:29,767 --> 00:30:32,759
The fact that to her, it is not a game
429
00:30:32,847 --> 00:30:35,759
is what makes it all so terribly exciting.
430
00:30:35,927 --> 00:30:36,916
MARGARET: Mr Jefferson?
431
00:30:38,007 --> 00:30:40,362
Here she is now, so...
432
00:30:42,887 --> 00:30:46,243
Morning, Mr Jefferson. How are the fingers today?
433
00:30:46,367 --> 00:30:49,279
Would you like a hand
getting out of your pyjamas?
434
00:30:49,687 --> 00:30:51,598
You're all bathed and dressed.
435
00:30:52,047 --> 00:30:54,515
I thought we might try this new
talcum-powder today,
436
00:30:54,607 --> 00:30:56,677
see if it makes a difference to the itching.
437
00:30:59,767 --> 00:31:02,884
Now, I'm just going to ease your legs
over the side.
438
00:31:03,167 --> 00:31:04,919
Then I think I can...
439
00:31:05,287 --> 00:31:06,720
just wriggle these off for you.
440
00:31:08,007 --> 00:31:09,918
There we go.
441
00:31:10,087 --> 00:31:11,440
And up we get.
442
00:31:17,087 --> 00:31:19,681
You're going to feel a bit stiff
after everything today
443
00:31:19,767 --> 00:31:22,645
So just have a good night's rest
444
00:31:22,727 --> 00:31:25,036
and let those bones knit back together
445
00:31:28,727 --> 00:31:31,719
That's one birthday
I won't be sorry to put behind me
446
00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,126
Yes
447
00:31:34,127 --> 00:31:35,560
By the way,
448
00:31:36,087 --> 00:31:38,681
I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant,
449
00:31:38,767 --> 00:31:42,316
I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything,
450
00:31:42,407 --> 00:31:46,320
but we went back to his house afterwards
and made mad, passionate love together
451
00:31:46,407 --> 00:31:49,717
I won't do it again Ni-night
452
00:31:53,567 --> 00:31:56,035
(PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY
IN A FORCED MANNER)
453
00:32:03,327 --> 00:32:06,239
# They say I might as well face the truth
454
00:32:06,327 --> 00:32:09,763
# That I am just too long in the tooth
455
00:32:10,207 --> 00:32:13,199
# I've started to deteriorate
456
00:32:13,687 --> 00:32:16,838
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
457
00:32:17,007 --> 00:32:20,124
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
458
00:32:20,727 --> 00:32:24,003
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
459
00:32:24,207 --> 00:32:27,119
#And my old knees have started to knock
460
00:32:27,247 --> 00:32:30,637
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
461
00:32:30,927 --> 00:32:34,966
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
462
00:32:35,087 --> 00:32:38,397
# It's true that my body has seen better days
463
00:32:38,527 --> 00:32:42,042
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
464
00:32:42,567 --> 00:32:44,762
# One foot in the grave
465
00:32:46,007 --> 00:32:48,077
# One foot in the grave
466
00:32:49,447 --> 00:32:52,757
# One foot in the grave #