# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset?
Well, funnily enough, the fact that you've got it firmly in hand
does not surprise me at all
It's exactly what I would expect from a complete and utter wa
What?
I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden
Where does a pile of bricks come into it?
Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there,
which hasn't been in the right place since day one
Yes, well you can threaten me all you like, Mr Blisset
You're not getting a penny of my money now or ever!
Oh, when will it ever end?
When they carry me out of here in a box
It's not my doing, all this
-People just can't be bothered any more -Yes
Like buying a new car with a pornographic number plate wasn't your doing
Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning
The mourners were upset enough
without having to stare at that obscenity all the way to the crematorium
(GROANING)
Do we have to have this stuck up inside a food cupboard?
It's just while I'm doing my tests You know what the doctor said
To keep a watch for any marked change in frequency or consistency
Yes, all right I don't think we need to go into the details Thank you
Now, are you going to go out and cover those things up?
-There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard -Yes, in a second
MARGARET: Oh
What's this?
-Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred Read it and weep -Why, what's it say?
Do you remember that message he left us on April 1 st
saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas that he'd won in the firm's raffle
because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?
Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's so we didn't bother to reply
Oh, you're joking
Absolutely genuine
Gave it to the next door neighbours They had the time of their lives
It says in there that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch
but they're both dying to meet up again and he's going to give us a ring
to try and arrange something
Oh, God! And the answering machine is not working
We'll have to declare a full code red
Let every call ring Then dial 1 4 71 and see if it's safe to phone back
I knew it was a bad sign this morning when I ran out of vests
and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on
Why do people always want to ''meet up''?
Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf
with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his and his Palmtop
Like having tea with a Dalek
Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke, what else is he supposed to do?
It's a marvellous invention, really
Well, if he'd learn to type properly
I haven't forgotten the last time they were here
when he asked me to put some hot mustard on his rhubarb
Neither does he
NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew
I see your butt's in a sorry state at the moment then
What?
Oh, yeah Well, of course, we haven't really had the rain, so
-If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up -Sorry?
Yes, yes, thank you very much That'll do for now
Oh, yes Gardens have been getting a bit dry all over lately
Weathermen say there's more to come
-Where did that come from? -Sorry?
Oh, yes I've just been giving it a quick rinse through ready for its next outing
Very realistic, they make them nowadays
When I first started in amateur dramatics you had to make do with a face painted on a balloon
Right So you're doing some kind of play
Oh, yes, I've just completed a very successful tour of nursing homes
with Murders in the Rue Morgue.
Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s
Yes, we found from experience that anything without a decapitation in it,
they tend to start nodding off
So, and of course, for this one,
Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan
So, it was quite a hit, all in all
Oh, really? Mr Snoxle?
-I didn't know he had one -What's that?
-An orangutan -Sorry?
Oh, no, no, no, no That's just an expression we use in theatrical circles
I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan
I could be naughty and say he's got a bit of a head start
Anyway, for our next production in our season Tales of Terror,
we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire, which should be quite a good one
We've got little Mrs Impey from number 1 0
playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras
and, fingers crossed, for the title role,
we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins from the chip shop
(WOMAN HOOTING)
Oh, hello, Mrs Impey Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you
I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head
through some Stergene so it's all nice and fresh for you
Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway
Yeah, bye-bye to you
And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe, you know where it is
And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85 Would you, Wilf?
Whizzing about around that great big house in his wheelchair
His wife was talking about getting some speed ramps
put in along the upstairs landing
If she can get a grant from the council
SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see my brothel again after all these years.
Yes Yes, it must have been
And this was up in Pontefract did you say?
Which is an awfully long time in a car these days for Wilf
Especially in the hot weather
SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 1 1 times.
-Oh, dear -Now, while I think of it
Check
Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,
from the local deli up there
Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys
And I remembered you saying you were in need of a new jigsaw,
for something to do in the evenings
So
Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys
That's Sheffield Steel It'll last you a lifetime
SYNTHESIZER: I am just going to go to the lavoraty.
You know where it is, Wilf
Bless him He's coping so well
And you know it's his 75th birthday coming up this Friday
I was thinking of taking him to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here
for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate
I know he'd absolutely love it if you and Victor could join us
So, what do you say?
Well, actually, we'd love to come
But unfortunately, we've got to go to a funeral on Friday
An old friend of the family
And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day
-Oh, dear What a shame -Isn't it always the way?
Yes, well
SYNTHESIZER: Could someone get me a bra of soup?
Victor, you dare!
What do you want to go and tell them a lie like that for?
Say we're going to a funeral of all things
What else was I supposed to say? No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless?
And you'll be glad of it when next Friday comes around
Hmm, I suppose
It's like you say
Why do people always want to meet up?
Ha!
They've finally taken away that pile of bricks, I see Will wonders never cease?
You say I shouldn't keep on at them,
but it's the only language they understand, I'm afraid
What in the name of!
When did they do?
Can you believe this?
What is it now, for goodness?
Is that a real wall?
Oh, they can't have done
You see now the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?
Break into your house in the middle of the night and do a thing like this!
What were they using? Muffled hods?
Well, we'll have to call somebody The fire brigade or another builder
Chances are, they'll have it down in a couple of hours
Couple of hours?
My bladder won't last five minutes
Who are you ringing?
Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end, Mr Meldrew,
where you'd normally fit it onto a tap
VICTOR: Yes, right
(VICTOR EXCLAIMING)
Just hurry up, please, and let me know when you're ready
Right, yes, sorry
In your own time then, Mr Meldrew
God spare us all
Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say a problem empathising with the character,
which particular? The blood-sucking
And turning into a wolf
No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying, and thank you for letting me know anyway
Erm Bye-bye to you
Can I offer you a bite at all?
Sorry?
Oh, no It's more than I dare to Now, I have managed to get it all off
Now, that's a bit of bad news Mr Dimkins from the chip shop has just turned us down
The vampire part?
So, what do you think you'll do now, then?
I don't suppose there's any way
it would interest you at all?
WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No!
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
No, thanks ever so much It was really useful actually
It's given me some great insights, I think, on where to go with it all
Pleasure Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then, Lindsey, on Friday
Okay, yep Bye
You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee
He never quite managed to pull it off somehow, did he?
Never really got under the skin of the character
As far as I could see
Yes, well When you've finished drinking the blood of virgins,
you may like to know that our number plates have gone
Number plates? How do you mean gone?
Gone, stolen
Probably by somebody around here who was sick to death of the sight of them
(PHONE RINGING)
Don't answer that!
That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive
You pick that up and we'll be stuck with them forever more
Sorry, I forgot Is that the second post?
-Yep -No news, I suppose, about my test result
What test?
Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I?
My test
Will you stop going on about that thing? You're worse than a child
If you want to do something useful, go and look up the number of that car place
and see about getting us some new plates
Right
That's me off to rehearsals, then
I may be a while
Oh, and I think we've missed the electricity man again
I've left his card on the table if you want to do a reading
Just take some deep breaths, Wilf You'll be fine
I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory was a bit heavy
You know what you're like in cars these days
It's a godsend I've still got their spare key from the other week
We'll just pop you inside and you can have a little lie down
till your tummy's settled
As I say,
they were desperate to come out with us themselves
But there we are
I don't suppose it's been much fun for the two of them all day,
having to go to London for a funeral
(KEYS JINGLING)
JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf Try to hold out
I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel
(WILF RETCHING)
Okay, then, everyone Erm, we're just gonna have a look at a few problem areas
in Act III this afternoon I think we're all present and correct
Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly
She's just upstairs with Derek having her costume tweaked
And, oh, yes One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew
Remember I said Lindsey had gone down with a nasty tummy bug
and might not be well enough for your big seduction scene together?
Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid
But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen
has very generously agreed to step into her shoes
So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there
Now, why don't you come and park yourself here next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin
How are you feeling now?
I think I would like a glars of water.
Yes, of course You wait right there
I think I am going to be sick again.
So, that's been a very productive session then, everyone
Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it
And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?
Oh, yes Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot
This came through my door for you this morning, in error
-Chartres Hospital -Mmm Yeah
Didn't you say you were expecting some test results from there or something?
-WOMAN: Mr Swainey -Yes, coming right up
So, what do you think?
You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now
Do you want to rest a bit longer or?
Oh
SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glars of water.
I think I am going to be sick again.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
MARGARET: Ow!
What the hell are you doing in there?
What am I doing?
I'll be
How long have you been back?
-Since about 5:00 Why? -Five
(GRUNTING)
Jean was here
Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again
and they came in here to Oh! For the love of monk!
Four hours nearly, I've been in there doubled up like a penknife
Didn't you even wonder where I was?
-I had other things on my mind -Oh, what?
Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's neck all afternoon?
-My test result is positive -What?
What?
You mean, they found there was blood in the
Said I have to make an appointment with a specialist at my earliest convenience
for further investigations
Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea
(DOOR OPENING)
MARGARET: I despair I do, straight
Last week, two big black bags I gave you
One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners
The other, with the carpet cuttings to go up the tip
I mean, no one would believe it, would they?
So, that's three of my best skirts, is it,
have now gone into the crusher
I wonder you've got the brains you were born with sometimes
What time is your hospital appointment? 1 2:30?
You sure you don't want me to come with you?
I don't have to do this wretched number plate thing today
No, you go and get that sorted out
Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back It's only two bus stops
It's probably just a small ulcer or something in there that's been bleeding
I'll see you later
And stop worrying
JEAN: Anyone in?
I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said
My car started making a noise like an elephant whenever I go into third gear
-For some reason -Right, I'll get that thing for you
Shame that I've got rather a lot to get today
Thanks
Of course, I still haven't been in your new car yet, have I?
Didn't you say you had to go into town at some point today?
Or did I imagine it?
So, Mr Meldrew
Haemocult tests were positive
But no clinical symptoms other than a generally irritable bowel
And there's no reason you can think of
why blood should have found its way into your digestive system?
Unless it's to do with being a vampire
I'm rehearsing for this play
I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out
what's lurking inside a person's large intestine, Mr Meldrew
So, are you familiar with a procedure called a colonoscopy?
Victor
What did he say? Was everything all right?
They gave me a sedative
Well, they put this thing like a long tube with a sparkler on the end right up inside
Er
-What did they find? -Mrs Warboys' black pudding
What?
Said he couldn't find anything at all wrong there inside me
Then, as I was getting dressed
I suddenly remembered I'd had that ruddy black pudding
Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what
I need to lie down before I fall down Where's the car?
Oh, where is he? I thought you said he'd come out to the car for a lie down
Well, he did I mean
He wouldn't have got into the wrong one or anything, surely
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Go and sit down You must be ready for a cup of tea
Sit down, that's a joke
Bad enough feeling like I've had an anaconda up my anus,
thanks to Mrs Warboys
Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing halfway to Burton-on-Trent
Never thought I was going to get off alive
Well, it's lucky you had the money for the train fare
Or you might still
(PHONE RINGING)
4291
Ronnie
I'm sorry we haven't been in touch, but things have been a bit hectic here
Hectic?
I've had a right basin-full of it lately, I have straight
Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back
Whoever tried to force a camel through the eye of a needle
Yes, yes We'll be round, right away
Round where right away? What the hell did you tell him that for?
-Mildred's dead -What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Dead Stopped breathing A few minutes ago
They were playing cards She went upstairs
Poor man's in a terrible state He didn't know who else to turn to
Oh, my God!
I'll get my coat
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
Ronnie
I don't know what on earth to say Have you rung for an ambulance?
I mean, what happened? You say there was no sign, no warning of any kind
She only needed, Mrs Stitch, the Tailor's wife, to win
Said she'd just got to pop upstairs for a moment to
And then, of course,
when she didn't come down again
So, er
Where is she now?
She still up there?
I just can't get my head round it even now
I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul
Well, they both did
Now we find out she's been suffering these terrible bouts of depression
Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on
It would be an upset for anyone, I should think, to find your wife's hanged herself
during a game of Happy Families
So, that's another funeral we've got to go to
What do you mean another one? The first one didn't exist
I don't know
How are you supposed to cope with all the tragedy in life?
What was it that philosopher said? ''Just go out and cultivate your garden''
If you don't mind, I'll just go and water the dahlias
Victor?
What?
I'll get the lunch on
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #