1
00:00:02,847 --> 00:00:05,998
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,447 --> 00:00:09,405
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:12,839
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:16,404
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,807 --> 00:00:20,880
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,967 --> 00:00:24,323
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,407 --> 00:00:27,717
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:59,207 --> 00:01:01,243
Oh, is that right, Mr Blisset?
10
00:01:01,367 --> 00:01:05,758
Well, funnily enough,
the fact that you've got it firmly in hand
11
00:01:05,887 --> 00:01:07,366
does not surprise me at all
12
00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:11,236
It's exactly what I would expect
from a complete and utter wa
13
00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:14,516
What?
14
00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:18,077
I ordered a crazy-paved path for the front garden
15
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,522
Where does a pile of bricks come into it?
16
00:01:21,007 --> 00:01:25,603
Oh yes, and I've stopped that cheque for the thing
you laughingly call a barbeque out the back there,
17
00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:28,599
which hasn't been in the right place since day one
18
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:32,680
Yes, well you can threaten me
all you like, Mr Blisset
19
00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:35,361
You're not getting a penny of my money
now or ever!
20
00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:40,641
Oh, when will it ever end?
21
00:01:40,887 --> 00:01:43,037
When they carry me out of here in a box
22
00:01:43,327 --> 00:01:45,522
It's not my doing, all this
23
00:01:45,807 --> 00:01:48,640
-People just can't be bothered any more
-Yes
24
00:01:48,727 --> 00:01:53,198
Like buying a new car with a pornographic
number plate wasn't your doing
25
00:01:54,327 --> 00:01:57,399
Got stuck in a funeral procession this morning
26
00:01:57,487 --> 00:01:59,284
The mourners were upset enough
27
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:03,997
without having to stare at that obscenity
all the way to the crematorium
28
00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:05,600
(GROANING)
29
00:02:05,687 --> 00:02:10,681
Do we have to have this
stuck up inside a food cupboard?
30
00:02:10,927 --> 00:02:14,283
It's just while I'm doing my tests
You know what the doctor said
31
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To keep a watch for any marked change
in frequency or consistency
32
00:02:17,527 --> 00:02:21,076
Yes, all right I don't think
we need to go into the details Thank you
33
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:23,635
Now, are you going to go out
and cover those things up?
34
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:27,606
-There's some Elastoplast in the top cupboard
-Yes, in a second
35
00:02:27,687 --> 00:02:28,676
MARGARET: Oh
36
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What's this?
37
00:02:30,807 --> 00:02:35,039
-Oh, from Ronnie and Mildred Read it and weep
-Why, what's it say?
38
00:02:35,127 --> 00:02:37,516
Do you remember
that message he left us on April 1 st
39
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saying did we fancy two tickets to the Bahamas
that he'd won in the firm's raffle
40
00:02:41,727 --> 00:02:43,240
because Mildred wasn't well enough to go?
41
00:02:43,327 --> 00:02:47,445
Yes, which was obviously an April Fool's
so we didn't bother to reply
42
00:02:49,007 --> 00:02:51,567
Oh, you're joking
43
00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:53,558
Absolutely genuine
44
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,517
Gave it to the next door neighbours
They had the time of their lives
45
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:01,198
It says in there
that Mildred's still going through a dodgy patch
46
00:03:01,287 --> 00:03:04,324
but they're both dying to meet up again
and he's going to give us a ring
47
00:03:04,407 --> 00:03:06,159
to try and arrange something
48
00:03:06,247 --> 00:03:09,444
Oh, God!
And the answering machine is not working
49
00:03:09,527 --> 00:03:11,597
We'll have to declare a full code red
50
00:03:11,687 --> 00:03:16,317
Let every call ring
Then dial 1 4 71 and see if it's safe to phone back
51
00:03:19,207 --> 00:03:22,404
I knew it was a bad sign this morning
when I ran out of vests
52
00:03:22,487 --> 00:03:25,160
and had to put one of their novelty T-shirts on
53
00:03:25,447 --> 00:03:28,245
Why do people always want to ''meet up''?
54
00:03:29,247 --> 00:03:33,160
Bad enough we've got Mrs Warboys
coming around tonight with Cousin Wilf
55
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:38,002
with that weird voice synthesizer thing of his
and his Palmtop
56
00:03:39,207 --> 00:03:41,675
Like having tea with a Dalek
57
00:03:42,167 --> 00:03:47,082
Well, if the poor man can't speak since his stroke,
what else is he supposed to do?
58
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,522
It's a marvellous invention, really
59
00:03:49,607 --> 00:03:52,485
Well, if he'd learn to type properly
60
00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:54,643
I haven't forgotten the last time they were here
61
00:03:54,727 --> 00:03:58,322
when he asked me to put
some hot mustard on his rhubarb
62
00:03:59,647 --> 00:04:01,160
Neither does he
63
00:04:31,527 --> 00:04:33,199
NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew
64
00:04:33,287 --> 00:04:36,006
I see your butt's in a sorry state
at the moment then
65
00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:37,955
What?
66
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:43,760
Oh, yeah Well, of course,
we haven't really had the rain, so
67
00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:47,044
-If you stand back, I'll give you a top-up
-Sorry?
68
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:59,955
Yes, yes, thank you very much That'll do for now
69
00:05:04,767 --> 00:05:08,237
Oh, yes Gardens have been getting a bit
dry all over lately
70
00:05:08,647 --> 00:05:11,207
Weathermen say there's more to come
71
00:05:11,607 --> 00:05:14,519
-Where did that come from?
-Sorry?
72
00:05:14,607 --> 00:05:19,237
Oh, yes I've just been giving it
a quick rinse through ready for its next outing
73
00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:21,318
Very realistic, they make them nowadays
74
00:05:21,407 --> 00:05:26,401
When I first started in amateur dramatics you had
to make do with a face painted on a balloon
75
00:05:26,487 --> 00:05:28,523
Right So you're doing some kind of play
76
00:05:28,607 --> 00:05:32,486
Oh, yes, I've just completed
a very successful tour of nursing homes
77
00:05:32,567 --> 00:05:34,478
with Murders in the Rue Morgue.
78
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,762
Seemed to go down quite well with the over-80s
79
00:05:36,847 --> 00:05:40,442
Yes, we found from experience
that anything without a decapitation in it,
80
00:05:40,527 --> 00:05:42,199
they tend to start nodding off
81
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,562
So, and of course, for this one,
82
00:05:44,647 --> 00:05:47,764
Mr Snoxle gave us his rather splendid orangutan
83
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,441
So, it was quite a hit, all in all
84
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,364
Oh, really? Mr Snoxle?
85
00:05:53,087 --> 00:05:55,806
-I didn't know he had one
-What's that?
86
00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:58,718
-An orangutan
-Sorry?
87
00:05:58,807 --> 00:06:02,766
Oh, no, no, no, no That's just
an expression we use in theatrical circles
88
00:06:02,847 --> 00:06:05,759
I mean, he gave us his portrayal of an orangutan
89
00:06:05,847 --> 00:06:09,283
I could be naughty
and say he's got a bit of a head start
90
00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:13,563
Anyway, for our next production
in our season Tales of Terror,
91
00:06:13,647 --> 00:06:17,686
we're doing Nosferatu the Vampire,
which should be quite a good one
92
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:20,486
We've got little Mrs Impey from number 1 0
93
00:06:20,607 --> 00:06:23,758
playing the headless corpse of Lucy Westenras
94
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:25,680
and, fingers crossed, for the title role,
95
00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:28,076
we're hoping to get Mr Dimkins
from the chip shop
96
00:06:28,207 --> 00:06:29,401
(WOMAN HOOTING)
97
00:06:29,487 --> 00:06:33,924
Oh, hello, Mrs Impey
Just a tick and I'll unlock the gate for you
98
00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:36,517
I was telling Mr Meldrew I've just put your head
99
00:06:36,607 --> 00:06:39,565
through some Stergene
so it's all nice and fresh for you
100
00:06:40,207 --> 00:06:43,517
Well, I wish you luck with it all, anyway
101
00:06:43,607 --> 00:06:44,960
Yeah, bye-bye to you
102
00:06:45,047 --> 00:06:48,722
And don't forget, if you ever need my hosepipe,
you know where it is
103
00:06:53,207 --> 00:06:57,917
And I mean, you'd never guess the man was 85
Would you, Wilf?
104
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:02,919
Whizzing about around that great big house
in his wheelchair
105
00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:06,124
His wife was talking
about getting some speed ramps
106
00:07:06,207 --> 00:07:08,846
put in along the upstairs landing
107
00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:11,395
If she can get a grant from the council
108
00:07:11,487 --> 00:07:16,481
SYNTHESIZER: It was so nice to see
my brothel again after all these years.
109
00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:21,084
Yes Yes, it must have been
110
00:07:22,647 --> 00:07:26,720
And this was up in Pontefract did you say?
111
00:07:27,407 --> 00:07:31,366
Which is an awfully long time
in a car these days for Wilf
112
00:07:31,447 --> 00:07:33,677
Especially in the hot weather
113
00:07:34,207 --> 00:07:36,926
SYNTHESIZER: I was violently sick 1 1 times.
114
00:07:38,007 --> 00:07:40,999
-Oh, dear
-Now, while I think of it
115
00:07:43,327 --> 00:07:44,555
Check
116
00:07:48,647 --> 00:07:51,764
Here's a little something for you, Mr Meldrew,
117
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:54,122
from the local deli up there
118
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:03,557
Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys
119
00:08:03,687 --> 00:08:07,316
And I remembered you saying
you were in need of a new jigsaw,
120
00:08:07,607 --> 00:08:09,916
for something to do in the evenings
121
00:08:10,007 --> 00:08:11,201
So
122
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,920
Thank you very much, Mrs Warboys
123
00:08:21,007 --> 00:08:24,556
That's Sheffield Steel It'll last you a lifetime
124
00:08:25,247 --> 00:08:28,637
SYNTHESIZER:
I am just going to go to the lavoraty.
125
00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:32,403
You know where it is, Wilf
126
00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:38,565
Bless him He's coping so well
127
00:08:39,287 --> 00:08:42,518
And you know it's his 75th birthday
coming up this Friday
128
00:08:42,887 --> 00:08:46,846
I was thinking of taking him
to the Old Moat House, just up the road from here
129
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:49,839
for a big slap-up lunch to celebrate
130
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:54,245
I know he'd absolutely love it
if you and Victor could join us
131
00:08:58,647 --> 00:09:01,286
So, what do you say?
132
00:09:02,127 --> 00:09:05,483
Well, actually, we'd love to come
133
00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:09,958
But unfortunately,
we've got to go to a funeral on Friday
134
00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:13,441
An old friend of the family
135
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:17,362
And I'm afraid we'll be in London all day
136
00:09:17,927 --> 00:09:22,000
-Oh, dear What a shame
-Isn't it always the way?
137
00:09:22,247 --> 00:09:23,760
Yes, well
138
00:09:24,887 --> 00:09:27,447
SYNTHESIZER:
Could someone get me a bra of soup?
139
00:09:29,047 --> 00:09:31,686
Victor, you dare!
140
00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:37,246
What do you want to go and tell them
a lie like that for?
141
00:09:38,407 --> 00:09:40,523
Say we're going to a funeral of all things
142
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:45,085
What else was I supposed to say?
No, thanks, we'd both be bored witless?
143
00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:49,400
And you'll be glad of it
when next Friday comes around
144
00:09:49,927 --> 00:09:51,155
Hmm, I suppose
145
00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,519
It's like you say
146
00:09:57,607 --> 00:10:00,679
Why do people always want to meet up?
147
00:10:19,647 --> 00:10:20,716
Ha!
148
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:25,642
They've finally taken away that pile of bricks,
I see Will wonders never cease?
149
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:28,358
You say I shouldn't keep on at them,
150
00:10:28,447 --> 00:10:31,166
but it's the only language they understand,
I'm afraid
151
00:10:36,487 --> 00:10:39,126
What in the name of!
152
00:10:41,687 --> 00:10:43,837
When did they do?
153
00:10:44,367 --> 00:10:46,085
Can you believe this?
154
00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:49,916
What is it now, for goodness?
155
00:10:53,247 --> 00:10:54,396
Is that a real wall?
156
00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:57,156
Oh, they can't have done
157
00:10:57,607 --> 00:11:00,360
You see now
the kind of psychopaths we're dealing with?
158
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:05,042
Break into your house in the middle of the night
and do a thing like this!
159
00:11:05,127 --> 00:11:07,561
What were they using? Muffled hods?
160
00:11:08,647 --> 00:11:12,003
Well, we'll have to call somebody
The fire brigade or another builder
161
00:11:12,327 --> 00:11:15,000
Chances are, they'll have it down
in a couple of hours
162
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,560
Couple of hours?
163
00:11:16,647 --> 00:11:19,241
My bladder won't last five minutes
164
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,325
Who are you ringing?
165
00:11:21,407 --> 00:11:24,797
Now, there's a big rubber nozzle on the end,
Mr Meldrew,
166
00:11:24,887 --> 00:11:27,117
where you'd normally fit it onto a tap
167
00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:28,401
VICTOR: Yes, right
168
00:11:35,687 --> 00:11:36,802
(VICTOR EXCLAIMING)
169
00:11:37,527 --> 00:11:40,519
Just hurry up, please,
and let me know when you're ready
170
00:11:40,607 --> 00:11:41,722
Right, yes, sorry
171
00:11:49,327 --> 00:11:51,795
In your own time then, Mr Meldrew
172
00:11:56,087 --> 00:11:58,885
God spare us all
173
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:26,596
Sorry, Mr Dimkins, when you say
a problem empathising with the character,
174
00:12:26,887 --> 00:12:29,401
which particular? The blood-sucking
175
00:12:30,487 --> 00:12:32,478
And turning into a wolf
176
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:37,322
No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying,
and thank you for letting me know anyway
177
00:12:38,047 --> 00:12:39,480
Erm Bye-bye to you
178
00:12:44,727 --> 00:12:46,718
Can I offer you a bite at all?
179
00:12:47,287 --> 00:12:48,800
Sorry?
180
00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:53,598
Oh, no It's more than I dare to
Now, I have managed to get it all off
181
00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:59,003
Now, that's a bit of bad news Mr Dimkins
from the chip shop has just turned us down
182
00:12:59,687 --> 00:13:01,803
The vampire part?
183
00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:04,476
So, what do you think you'll do now, then?
184
00:13:08,207 --> 00:13:10,596
I don't suppose there's any way
185
00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:13,477
it would interest you at all?
186
00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:34,319
WOMAN: Oh, my God! No, no! No!
187
00:13:34,607 --> 00:13:36,120
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
188
00:13:38,607 --> 00:13:41,838
No, thanks ever so much
It was really useful actually
189
00:13:41,927 --> 00:13:44,805
It's given me some great insights,
I think, on where to go with it all
190
00:13:44,887 --> 00:13:48,402
Pleasure Well, I'll see you at rehearsals then,
Lindsey, on Friday
191
00:13:48,487 --> 00:13:50,523
Okay, yep Bye
192
00:14:01,087 --> 00:14:04,636
You know, it's a shame about Christopher Lee
193
00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:08,163
He never quite managed to pull it off somehow,
did he?
194
00:14:08,487 --> 00:14:11,957
Never really got under the skin of the character
195
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:14,883
As far as I could see
196
00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:18,243
Yes, well When you've finished drinking
the blood of virgins,
197
00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:21,205
you may like to know
that our number plates have gone
198
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:24,002
Number plates? How do you mean gone?
199
00:14:24,207 --> 00:14:25,925
Gone, stolen
200
00:14:26,127 --> 00:14:29,756
Probably by somebody around here
who was sick to death of the sight of them
201
00:14:29,847 --> 00:14:31,041
(PHONE RINGING)
202
00:14:31,127 --> 00:14:33,402
Don't answer that!
203
00:14:34,687 --> 00:14:37,918
That'll be Ronnie and Mildred's noon offensive
204
00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:40,726
You pick that up
and we'll be stuck with them forever more
205
00:14:40,807 --> 00:14:43,446
Sorry, I forgot Is that the second post?
206
00:14:43,527 --> 00:14:46,280
-Yep
-No news, I suppose, about my test result
207
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:47,436
What test?
208
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:50,644
Well, I'm not talking about my eleven-plus, am I?
209
00:14:50,727 --> 00:14:51,876
My test
210
00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:55,721
Will you stop going on about that thing?
You're worse than a child
211
00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:59,756
If you want to do something useful,
go and look up the number of that car place
212
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:02,281
and see about getting us some new plates
213
00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:12,281
Right
214
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:14,963
That's me off to rehearsals, then
215
00:15:15,447 --> 00:15:17,119
I may be a while
216
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:20,764
Oh, and I think we've missed
the electricity man again
217
00:15:20,847 --> 00:15:23,566
I've left his card on the table
if you want to do a reading
218
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:35,440
Just take some deep breaths, Wilf You'll be fine
219
00:15:35,807 --> 00:15:40,039
I suppose, on reflection, that Knickerbocker Glory
was a bit heavy
220
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:42,721
You know what you're like in cars these days
221
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:47,316
It's a godsend I've still got their spare key
from the other week
222
00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:51,122
We'll just pop you inside
and you can have a little lie down
223
00:15:51,207 --> 00:15:53,641
till your tummy's settled
224
00:15:53,767 --> 00:15:55,325
As I say,
225
00:15:56,527 --> 00:15:59,439
they were desperate
to come out with us themselves
226
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:01,199
But there we are
227
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:05,041
I don't suppose it's been much fun
for the two of them all day,
228
00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:07,766
having to go to London for a funeral
229
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:46,082
(KEYS JINGLING)
230
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:50,206
JEAN: Just one more second, Wilf Try to hold out
231
00:16:57,247 --> 00:17:00,319
I'll just pop upstairs and get you a wet flannel
232
00:17:00,407 --> 00:17:01,556
(WILF RETCHING)
233
00:17:03,727 --> 00:17:06,924
Okay, then, everyone Erm, we're just
gonna have a look at a few problem areas
234
00:17:07,007 --> 00:17:10,204
in Act III this afternoon
I think we're all present and correct
235
00:17:10,287 --> 00:17:12,482
Er, Mrs Impey will be with us shortly
236
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:15,400
She's just upstairs with Derek
having her costume tweaked
237
00:17:15,487 --> 00:17:18,604
And, oh, yes
One bit of good news first of all, Mr Meldrew
238
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:22,396
Remember I said Lindsey had gone down
with a nasty tummy bug
239
00:17:22,487 --> 00:17:25,479
and might not be well enough
for your big seduction scene together?
240
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:27,398
Well, she's got worse, I'm afraid
241
00:17:27,487 --> 00:17:29,762
But, at the last minute, her auntie Maureen
242
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:32,998
has very generously agreed to step into her shoes
243
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:37,038
So, luckily, we've fallen on our feet there
244
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:42,565
Now, why don't you come and park yourself here
next to Mr Snoxle and we'll begin
245
00:17:54,287 --> 00:17:56,005
How are you feeling now?
246
00:17:58,007 --> 00:18:00,726
I think I would like a glars of water.
247
00:18:01,087 --> 00:18:03,681
Yes, of course You wait right there
248
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,927
I think I am going to be sick again.
249
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:19,486
So, that's been
a very productive session then, everyone
250
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,320
Now, there's more tea coming if anyone wants it
251
00:18:22,407 --> 00:18:24,921
And an orange juice for you, Mrs Impey, wasn't it?
252
00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:27,997
Oh, yes Mr Meldrew, I nearly forgot
253
00:18:28,127 --> 00:18:31,597
This came through my door for you
this morning, in error
254
00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:33,643
-Chartres Hospital
-Mmm Yeah
255
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:37,601
Didn't you say you were expecting
some test results from there or something?
256
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:40,247
-WOMAN: Mr Swainey
-Yes, coming right up
257
00:18:51,807 --> 00:18:53,286
So, what do you think?
258
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:56,200
You've got a bit more colour in your cheeks now
259
00:18:56,447 --> 00:18:58,722
Do you want to rest a bit longer or?
260
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:30,760
Oh
261
00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:44,005
SYNTHESIZER: I think I would like a glars of water.
262
00:19:48,607 --> 00:19:51,121
I think I am going to be sick again.
263
00:20:02,047 --> 00:20:03,480
(TOILET FLUSHING)
264
00:20:45,047 --> 00:20:46,719
MARGARET: Ow!
265
00:20:52,047 --> 00:20:55,119
What the hell are you doing in there?
266
00:20:56,087 --> 00:20:57,918
What am I doing?
267
00:20:58,167 --> 00:20:59,680
I'll be
268
00:21:00,487 --> 00:21:01,966
How long have you been back?
269
00:21:02,047 --> 00:21:04,515
-Since about 5:00 Why?
-Five
270
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:06,919
(GRUNTING)
271
00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:09,882
Jean was here
272
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:13,479
Cousin Wilf was being sick in the car again
273
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:17,959
and they came in here to
Oh! For the love of monk!
274
00:21:18,647 --> 00:21:22,640
Four hours nearly,
I've been in there doubled up like a penknife
275
00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:25,680
Didn't you even wonder where I was?
276
00:21:26,127 --> 00:21:29,039
-I had other things on my mind
-Oh, what?
277
00:21:29,687 --> 00:21:33,157
Prising your face out of Lindsey Gibbon's
neck all afternoon?
278
00:21:33,527 --> 00:21:36,087
-My test result is positive
-What?
279
00:21:38,487 --> 00:21:39,636
What?
280
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,086
You mean, they found there was blood in the
281
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:47,201
Said I have to make an appointment
with a specialist at my earliest convenience
282
00:21:47,287 --> 00:21:49,164
for further investigations
283
00:21:51,367 --> 00:21:53,119
Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea
284
00:21:58,327 --> 00:21:59,726
(DOOR OPENING)
285
00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:03,677
MARGARET: I despair I do, straight
286
00:22:04,327 --> 00:22:08,798
Last week, two big black bags I gave you
287
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:12,085
One, full of clothes to take to the dry cleaners
288
00:22:12,407 --> 00:22:16,366
The other, with the carpet cuttings
to go up the tip
289
00:22:19,847 --> 00:22:22,281
I mean, no one would believe it, would they?
290
00:22:30,527 --> 00:22:34,281
So, that's three of my best skirts, is it,
291
00:22:34,367 --> 00:22:36,642
have now gone into the crusher
292
00:22:37,167 --> 00:22:41,285
I wonder you've got the brains
you were born with sometimes
293
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:47,761
What time is your hospital appointment? 1 2:30?
294
00:22:47,927 --> 00:22:49,997
You sure you don't want me to come with you?
295
00:22:50,087 --> 00:22:53,443
I don't have to do
this wretched number plate thing today
296
00:22:53,527 --> 00:22:55,279
No, you go and get that sorted out
297
00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:58,757
Perhaps, I'll find you on the way back
It's only two bus stops
298
00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:02,806
It's probably just a small ulcer or something
in there that's been bleeding
299
00:23:02,887 --> 00:23:04,684
I'll see you later
300
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:06,485
And stop worrying
301
00:23:17,367 --> 00:23:18,846
JEAN: Anyone in?
302
00:23:21,007 --> 00:23:23,202
I'm sorry I'm a bit later than I said
303
00:23:23,487 --> 00:23:27,605
My car started making a noise like an elephant
whenever I go into third gear
304
00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:31,880
-For some reason
-Right, I'll get that thing for you
305
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:37,166
Shame that I've got rather a lot to get today
306
00:23:38,007 --> 00:23:39,156
Thanks
307
00:23:39,247 --> 00:23:42,876
Of course, I still haven't been
in your new car yet, have I?
308
00:23:43,447 --> 00:23:46,564
Didn't you say you had to go into town
at some point today?
309
00:23:47,127 --> 00:23:48,958
Or did I imagine it?
310
00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:52,682
So, Mr Meldrew
311
00:23:54,047 --> 00:23:56,242
Haemocult tests were positive
312
00:23:57,647 --> 00:24:02,641
But no clinical symptoms
other than a generally irritable bowel
313
00:24:04,167 --> 00:24:06,283
And there's no reason you can think of
314
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:09,996
why blood should have
found its way into your digestive system?
315
00:24:18,447 --> 00:24:21,086
Unless it's to do with being a vampire
316
00:24:29,447 --> 00:24:32,325
I'm rehearsing for this play
317
00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:37,115
I'm afraid there's no easy way of finding out
318
00:24:37,207 --> 00:24:40,597
what's lurking inside a person's large intestine,
Mr Meldrew
319
00:24:41,407 --> 00:24:45,639
So, are you familiar
with a procedure called a colonoscopy?
320
00:25:28,247 --> 00:25:29,282
Victor
321
00:25:33,007 --> 00:25:35,601
What did he say? Was everything all right?
322
00:25:36,087 --> 00:25:38,157
They gave me a sedative
323
00:25:39,007 --> 00:25:45,355
Well, they put this thing like a long tube
with a sparkler on the end right up inside
324
00:25:45,447 --> 00:25:46,436
Er
325
00:25:48,287 --> 00:25:52,724
-What did they find?
-Mrs Warboys' black pudding
326
00:25:53,447 --> 00:25:54,562
What?
327
00:25:54,647 --> 00:25:58,083
Said he couldn't find
anything at all wrong there inside me
328
00:25:58,367 --> 00:26:00,437
Then, as I was getting dressed
329
00:26:01,207 --> 00:26:06,042
I suddenly remembered
I'd had that ruddy black pudding
330
00:26:07,407 --> 00:26:10,604
Full of pig's blood and God-knows-what
331
00:26:12,847 --> 00:26:15,839
I need to lie down before I fall down
Where's the car?
332
00:26:47,767 --> 00:26:52,124
Oh, where is he? I thought you said
he'd come out to the car for a lie down
333
00:26:52,247 --> 00:26:54,363
Well, he did I mean
334
00:26:57,247 --> 00:27:01,286
He wouldn't have got into the wrong one
or anything, surely
335
00:27:34,607 --> 00:27:36,484
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
336
00:27:40,447 --> 00:27:43,837
Go and sit down
You must be ready for a cup of tea
337
00:27:43,927 --> 00:27:45,918
Sit down, that's a joke
338
00:27:46,967 --> 00:27:51,245
Bad enough feeling like I've had
an anaconda up my anus,
339
00:27:51,327 --> 00:27:54,637
thanks to Mrs Warboys
340
00:27:54,727 --> 00:27:59,437
Then to waking up in the back of that bloody thing
halfway to Burton-on-Trent
341
00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:03,086
Never thought I was going to get off alive
342
00:28:03,607 --> 00:28:06,167
Well, it's lucky you had the money
for the train fare
343
00:28:06,407 --> 00:28:07,556
Or you might still
344
00:28:07,647 --> 00:28:09,046
(PHONE RINGING)
345
00:28:10,087 --> 00:28:11,486
4291
346
00:28:13,167 --> 00:28:14,361
Ronnie
347
00:28:16,447 --> 00:28:20,486
I'm sorry we haven't been in touch,
but things have been a bit hectic here
348
00:28:20,927 --> 00:28:22,076
Hectic?
349
00:28:22,327 --> 00:28:25,558
I've had a right basin-full of it lately,
I have straight
350
00:28:26,807 --> 00:28:30,038
Pipes up your front end, pipes up your back
351
00:28:30,487 --> 00:28:33,684
Whoever tried to force a camel
through the eye of a needle
352
00:28:35,127 --> 00:28:37,516
Yes, yes We'll be round, right away
353
00:28:37,687 --> 00:28:41,475
Round where right away?
What the hell did you tell him that for?
354
00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:44,003
-Mildred's dead
-What do you mean?
355
00:28:44,967 --> 00:28:46,480
What do I mean?
356
00:28:47,167 --> 00:28:50,682
Dead Stopped breathing A few minutes ago
357
00:28:51,007 --> 00:28:53,885
They were playing cards She went upstairs
358
00:28:54,247 --> 00:28:57,762
Poor man's in a terrible state
He didn't know who else to turn to
359
00:28:57,847 --> 00:28:59,439
Oh, my God!
360
00:29:00,887 --> 00:29:02,320
I'll get my coat
361
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:04,125
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
362
00:29:07,887 --> 00:29:09,559
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
363
00:29:16,967 --> 00:29:18,195
Ronnie
364
00:29:19,127 --> 00:29:24,042
I don't know what on earth to say
Have you rung for an ambulance?
365
00:29:24,367 --> 00:29:29,361
I mean, what happened? You say there was
no sign, no warning of any kind
366
00:29:29,447 --> 00:29:33,122
She only needed, Mrs Stitch,
the Tailor's wife, to win
367
00:29:35,527 --> 00:29:39,236
Said she'd just got to pop upstairs
for a moment to
368
00:29:40,287 --> 00:29:41,879
And then, of course,
369
00:29:41,967 --> 00:29:43,798
when she didn't come down again
370
00:29:45,967 --> 00:29:47,241
So, er
371
00:29:48,367 --> 00:29:49,800
Where is she now?
372
00:29:50,967 --> 00:29:52,685
She still up there?
373
00:30:12,847 --> 00:30:16,317
I just can't get my head round it even now
374
00:30:21,287 --> 00:30:24,757
I mean, she seemed such a jolly soul
375
00:30:24,847 --> 00:30:26,883
Well, they both did
376
00:30:28,007 --> 00:30:31,966
Now we find out she's been suffering
these terrible bouts of depression
377
00:30:33,007 --> 00:30:35,919
Heaven knows how he's gonna cope from now on
378
00:30:37,247 --> 00:30:41,240
It would be an upset for anyone, I should think,
to find your wife's hanged herself
379
00:30:41,327 --> 00:30:42,965
during a game of Happy Families
380
00:30:46,647 --> 00:30:50,162
So, that's another funeral we've got to go to
381
00:30:50,447 --> 00:30:53,325
What do you mean another one?
The first one didn't exist
382
00:30:56,327 --> 00:30:57,646
I don't know
383
00:30:58,767 --> 00:31:02,840
How are you supposed to cope
with all the tragedy in life?
384
00:31:06,287 --> 00:31:10,360
What was it that philosopher said?
''Just go out and cultivate your garden''
385
00:31:11,247 --> 00:31:13,920
If you don't mind,
I'll just go and water the dahlias
386
00:31:18,207 --> 00:31:19,401
Victor?
387
00:31:21,247 --> 00:31:22,441
What?
388
00:31:25,047 --> 00:31:26,560
I'll get the lunch on
389
00:31:29,687 --> 00:31:32,724
# They say I might as well face the truth
390
00:31:33,127 --> 00:31:35,960
# That I am just too long in the tooth
391
00:31:36,607 --> 00:31:39,041
# I've started to deteriorate
392
00:31:39,927 --> 00:31:43,078
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
393
00:31:43,567 --> 00:31:46,604
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
394
00:31:47,047 --> 00:31:49,880
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
395
00:31:50,487 --> 00:31:53,559
#And my old knees have started to knock
396
00:31:53,967 --> 00:31:57,039
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
397
00:31:57,407 --> 00:32:00,558
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
398
00:32:01,167 --> 00:32:04,557
# It's true that my body has seen better days
399
00:32:04,887 --> 00:32:08,516
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
400
00:32:08,847 --> 00:32:10,963
# One foot in the grave
401
00:32:12,207 --> 00:32:14,323
# One foot in the grave
402
00:32:15,687 --> 00:32:17,803
# One foot in the grave #