1
00:00:06,398 --> 00:00:09,595
Ah Misery me
2
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:15,587
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
3
00:00:35,718 --> 00:00:36,707
(SIGHING)
4
00:00:50,798 --> 00:00:53,312
Beggars belief, doesn't it?
5
00:00:53,398 --> 00:00:56,868
We haven't got one decent candle
in the whole house
6
00:00:57,798 --> 00:01:00,676
Don't know how long this lot are going to last
7
00:01:03,558 --> 00:01:07,870
-Don't know where to put them for the best
-I know where I'd like to put them
8
00:01:09,958 --> 00:01:11,869
Just be patient
9
00:01:12,278 --> 00:01:14,792
I expect it'll come back on any minute
10
00:01:14,878 --> 00:01:15,867
(SIGHING)
11
00:01:15,958 --> 00:01:19,997
And stop sighing like that
You're sucking up all the oxygen
12
00:01:27,158 --> 00:01:31,595
Typical, isn't it?
The hottest day of the bloody year
13
00:01:32,958 --> 00:01:37,793
What a good job we bought these three
giant Chillmaster electric fans last week
14
00:01:39,038 --> 00:01:42,075
They're just the ticket for a night like this
15
00:01:47,438 --> 00:01:50,714
-I have a good mind to go to bed
-Well, why don't you?
16
00:01:51,158 --> 00:01:55,868
I wouldn't sleep this early I never get off
till about 3:00 in the morning as it is
17
00:01:56,318 --> 00:01:59,390
Just lying there all tense and jittery
18
00:01:59,478 --> 00:02:01,036
Don't I know it
19
00:02:01,518 --> 00:02:06,433
The way you were twitching about on your stomach
last night like a porpoise having a seizure
20
00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:11,629
Squirming about with your bottom
all clenched up to kingdom come
21
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:14,148
God knows what you were dreaming about
22
00:02:14,238 --> 00:02:17,674
I told you not to watch Deliverance
before you went to bed
23
00:02:20,718 --> 00:02:24,108
There'll be claw marks on that headboard now
forevermore
24
00:02:25,238 --> 00:02:29,026
Some people grind their teeth in their sleep
You grind your buttocks
25
00:02:29,878 --> 00:02:31,391
Yes, all right
26
00:02:31,478 --> 00:02:34,390
I could have sharpened a pencil
up there last night
27
00:02:35,078 --> 00:02:37,387
I said, all right
28
00:02:37,878 --> 00:02:41,075
I don't want to be reminded about it,
thank you very much
29
00:02:43,198 --> 00:02:46,986
And don't open that window
We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes
30
00:02:47,518 --> 00:02:49,554
It's the same every summer
31
00:02:49,638 --> 00:02:54,154
That ruddy ornamental pond of hers
across the road turns into a public health hazard
32
00:02:57,358 --> 00:03:00,589
No, perhaps I'll just stick my head
in the fish tank
33
00:03:00,678 --> 00:03:03,067
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
34
00:03:04,398 --> 00:03:07,151
It's like a bake house in here
35
00:03:09,358 --> 00:03:13,556
Look at these chrysanths
Three days and wilting already
36
00:03:14,518 --> 00:03:18,272
Never mind plant food
I should give you a sachet of Viagra
37
00:03:20,358 --> 00:03:22,155
Bloody things
38
00:03:22,878 --> 00:03:23,867
(GRUNTING)
39
00:03:25,958 --> 00:03:29,507
I got that sharp pain all down my front again
40
00:03:30,198 --> 00:03:32,314
You can't tell me that's wind
41
00:03:32,398 --> 00:03:34,195
All those monkey nuts
you were eating in the bath,
42
00:03:34,278 --> 00:03:36,917
I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone
43
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:42,157
Lying there with all the little husks floating
about like canoes
44
00:03:42,238 --> 00:03:44,513
No wonder you didn't finish your tea
45
00:03:44,678 --> 00:03:49,354
Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about
all morning with that new lawn mower
46
00:03:51,958 --> 00:03:56,509
Three words destined to strike fear into any man
47
00:03:56,998 --> 00:03:59,796
''Easy home assembly''
48
00:04:02,038 --> 00:04:05,235
Just putting the grass box together
took four hours
49
00:04:05,438 --> 00:04:09,351
Every time you got a bit to stay in,
so another bit would pop out
50
00:04:09,438 --> 00:04:13,351
I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings
in my sleep tonight
51
00:04:13,758 --> 00:04:16,875
Doesn't matter how much you pay
for something nowadays,
52
00:04:16,958 --> 00:04:19,597
they still expect you to put it together
53
00:04:20,038 --> 00:04:23,189
''Yes Here's your boarding pass
for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew
54
00:04:23,278 --> 00:04:26,907
''You'll find the plane lying
in a flat pack at Gate 1 3
55
00:04:28,798 --> 00:04:31,710
''Complete with a full set of instructions''
56
00:04:36,878 --> 00:04:39,756
Same with that lampshade I put up the other day
57
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,875
The chains on that were all lopsided
58
00:04:43,998 --> 00:04:47,354
So you've told me, about 1 00 times
59
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:55,867
(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)
60
00:05:05,998 --> 00:05:08,034
Wonder if it's Crohn's Syndrome
61
00:05:08,118 --> 00:05:10,951
Will you stop prodding at it?
62
00:05:11,238 --> 00:05:13,308
You've been to the doctor's
63
00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:16,470
He's given you a thorough checkup all over
64
00:05:16,558 --> 00:05:18,276
Yes, that was another thing
65
00:05:18,358 --> 00:05:22,237
I got undressed
and suddenly he starts staring at my feet
66
00:05:22,678 --> 00:05:25,670
and whistling as though
he's never seen anything like it
67
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:29,273
He said, ''Do you mind
if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?''
68
00:05:30,318 --> 00:05:33,993
-I mean, what was that all about?
-Well, why didn't you ask him?
69
00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:37,229
Well, I didn't like to,
in case it was something hideous
70
00:05:38,278 --> 00:05:41,111
Something else I've got to worry about
71
00:05:42,198 --> 00:05:45,156
Both burning up I can tell you that much
72
00:05:48,838 --> 00:05:49,827
(MOANING)
73
00:05:51,238 --> 00:05:55,197
I wish I had bought that foot spa now
we saw in Debenhams
74
00:05:55,958 --> 00:06:00,395
Could have that lovely water whirling all over them
and freshening them up
75
00:06:35,798 --> 00:06:38,790
Any minute now, the cap
76
00:06:40,558 --> 00:06:43,118
And if I ever find the bastards who did this,
77
00:06:43,198 --> 00:06:46,076
they'll know about it, I can tell you that much
78
00:06:46,398 --> 00:06:50,550
Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down
on a pub table to go to the toilet
79
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:53,716
without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it
80
00:06:54,078 --> 00:06:55,909
If that's what happened
81
00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:59,991
Well, I don't imagine it's a moth
with a very healthy appetite
82
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:04,314
Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank
83
00:07:05,118 --> 00:07:09,794
Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi?
It might help you relax
84
00:07:09,878 --> 00:07:14,030
It doesn't help me relax
It makes me feel like a complete idiot
85
00:07:14,758 --> 00:07:17,226
Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it
86
00:07:17,318 --> 00:07:19,115
Thought when they came over
to give you some lessons,
87
00:07:19,198 --> 00:07:21,154
the three of you were getting on
quite well together
88
00:07:21,238 --> 00:07:23,957
We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty
89
00:07:26,798 --> 00:07:30,552
I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it
in the park where no one could see me
90
00:07:30,638 --> 00:07:32,071
and what happened?
91
00:07:32,158 --> 00:07:35,070
I did that thing
where you have to squat right down
92
00:07:35,158 --> 00:07:37,228
and I couldn't get back up again
93
00:07:37,318 --> 00:07:40,469
Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee
94
00:07:43,078 --> 00:07:45,353
I won't be trying that again
95
00:07:50,318 --> 00:07:53,867
They say that hot air rises, don't they?
96
00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:57,312
Wonder if it's any cooler down here
97
00:08:08,558 --> 00:08:09,547
(SIGHING)
98
00:08:17,438 --> 00:08:18,791
Good book?
99
00:08:19,598 --> 00:08:21,270
Extremely
100
00:08:21,358 --> 00:08:25,317
And I've just got to the interesting bit
So, if you don't mind
101
00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:27,753
(SIGHING)
102
00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:37,230
Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night
103
00:08:39,078 --> 00:08:42,150
Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick
104
00:08:43,678 --> 00:08:46,556
I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one
105
00:08:46,638 --> 00:08:48,435
I expect so, yes
106
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,275
I knew we were in for a pleasant evening
when he came in and said,
107
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:55,508
''Where shall I put the spittoon?''
108
00:08:59,638 --> 00:09:03,426
Told him to make himself feel at home,
so he took his false arm off
109
00:09:04,998 --> 00:09:07,512
And said, ''Ah, that's better''
110
00:09:08,438 --> 00:09:10,668
Didn't know where to look
111
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:16,830
He was using it as a back scratcher at one point
112
00:09:22,638 --> 00:09:25,152
-Oh, do you remember?
-Yes
113
00:09:25,318 --> 00:09:28,276
I mean, that's all you want to hear
half way through a meal, isn't it?
114
00:09:28,358 --> 00:09:31,714
''Don't make her laugh too much
Her glass eye is a bit loose''
115
00:09:36,598 --> 00:09:39,396
Right in a plate of salad
116
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:43,393
And the eyesight's not that good in the other one
117
00:09:43,478 --> 00:09:46,276
Shouting, ''It's all right I've got it''
118
00:09:48,558 --> 00:09:52,267
Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato
out of the socket
119
00:09:59,878 --> 00:10:01,357
It's bad enough with the lawn mower
120
00:10:01,438 --> 00:10:04,794
without having to put
the dinner guests back together
121
00:10:08,078 --> 00:10:09,067
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
122
00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:14,435
If it's no better than this tomorrow,
123
00:10:15,158 --> 00:10:17,877
I may have to emigrate
124
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,633
Oh, what did the forecast say?
Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler
125
00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:24,471
Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still
126
00:10:25,238 --> 00:10:28,389
You know I never watch the weather forecasts
127
00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:31,590
If it's a nice morning and they say
it's going to be worse in the afternoon,
128
00:10:31,678 --> 00:10:33,908
how can you enjoy the morning?
129
00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:37,108
Best not to know about it
130
00:10:38,558 --> 00:10:40,992
It's the same with life in general
131
00:10:41,398 --> 00:10:45,357
There are certain things
you don't ever want to think about
132
00:10:45,438 --> 00:10:46,917
What sort of things?
133
00:10:46,998 --> 00:10:49,796
Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?
134
00:10:52,878 --> 00:10:55,597
And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?
135
00:10:55,678 --> 00:10:57,953
From one moment to the next
136
00:10:58,838 --> 00:11:01,557
I mean, if you knew now,
137
00:11:01,638 --> 00:11:04,789
all the horrible things that were going to happen
138
00:11:12,558 --> 00:11:15,709
For the love of buggery
139
00:11:15,798 --> 00:11:20,269
What did I say to you about making sure
you put those screws in properly?
140
00:11:20,758 --> 00:11:23,875
-Oh!
-You know what a hell of a weight this thing is
141
00:11:24,078 --> 00:11:25,067
(GROANING)
142
00:11:25,598 --> 00:11:28,032
Is it still in one piece?
143
00:11:31,878 --> 00:11:34,153
I daren't look
144
00:11:37,598 --> 00:11:40,874
I suppose we should be glad
it fell on something soft
145
00:11:43,638 --> 00:11:46,357
Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra
146
00:11:46,438 --> 00:11:48,747
It could have been smashed to smithereens
147
00:11:50,438 --> 00:11:51,996
Don't be coarse
148
00:11:52,318 --> 00:11:55,151
I mean, three and a half days it had to do that
149
00:11:55,238 --> 00:11:58,947
But no It had to come down just at that moment
150
00:12:00,158 --> 00:12:01,147
(GROANING)
151
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:16,232
And my chest's all horrible and sticky
152
00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:19,552
Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now
153
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:23,426
I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer
you've been squirting on
154
00:12:26,878 --> 00:12:29,073
Enough to glue up a yak
155
00:12:30,558 --> 00:12:34,187
Hair lacquer?
Thanks very much for pointing that out to me
156
00:12:34,278 --> 00:12:36,508
You should look at things more carefully
in the first place
157
00:12:36,598 --> 00:12:38,634
You are hot I'm hot
158
00:12:38,718 --> 00:12:42,347
There's nothing we can do about it
until the power comes back on
159
00:12:43,518 --> 00:12:44,997
And when will that be?
160
00:12:45,078 --> 00:12:47,876
I expect it'll come back on any minute
161
00:12:47,998 --> 00:12:51,434
Now, do you mind?
162
00:13:01,118 --> 00:13:02,107
(EXHALING LOUDLY)
163
00:13:06,278 --> 00:13:08,269
(UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY)
164
00:13:14,598 --> 00:13:18,511
Is that the one where the murderer fires
a crossbow through the keyhole?
165
00:13:21,638 --> 00:13:24,675
It's a very good one, if I remember rightly
166
00:13:30,118 --> 00:13:31,233
What?
167
00:13:31,758 --> 00:13:33,271
Why do I bother?
168
00:13:33,958 --> 00:13:37,428
I have no idea sometimes
169
00:13:37,598 --> 00:13:40,317
But all that happens at the beginning, surely?
170
00:13:42,358 --> 00:13:45,589
Or do you only find out about it at the end?
171
00:13:48,278 --> 00:13:51,236
Ah, yes
172
00:13:52,678 --> 00:13:54,475
Sorry about that
173
00:14:01,158 --> 00:14:04,036
Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?
174
00:14:04,438 --> 00:14:06,554
If you've finished with it
175
00:14:07,438 --> 00:14:08,666
Thanks
176
00:14:15,838 --> 00:14:19,751
Oh, there's a man here
who never throws his urine away
177
00:14:21,078 --> 00:14:22,989
Belongs to a religious sect
178
00:14:23,078 --> 00:14:25,911
that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid
179
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,466
containing part of the human soul
180
00:14:29,438 --> 00:14:33,636
Kept everything he's ever passed
since October 1 973
181
00:14:35,158 --> 00:14:38,195
All bottled up in a huge wine cellar
182
00:14:38,718 --> 00:14:43,587
And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council
are getting a court order to have it removed
183
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:47,067
''Said Mr Hibbert, 48,
184
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:49,831
'''It's not the first time
people have tried to take the piss'''
185
00:14:49,918 --> 00:14:54,434
Oh, you just love finding things like that
in the paper, don't you?
186
00:14:57,598 --> 00:15:00,237
I'm only reading what it says
187
00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:04,917
Right up your street, that sort of thing
Just tickles you to death
188
00:15:09,798 --> 00:15:14,314
Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able
to go to the toilet over the internet
189
00:15:16,118 --> 00:15:19,190
I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?
190
00:15:20,558 --> 00:15:23,868
I don't know why
I buy the bloody thing sometimes
191
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:28,667
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
192
00:15:32,078 --> 00:15:34,353
Oh, God, what did I tell you?
193
00:15:34,438 --> 00:15:37,157
Now, where's the insect repellent?
194
00:15:37,358 --> 00:15:39,474
I think I left it in the car
195
00:15:41,598 --> 00:15:43,270
Don't You're not opening that front door
196
00:15:43,358 --> 00:15:46,509
Well, what's the difference?
They're in here now, anyway
197
00:15:53,278 --> 00:15:55,997
VICTOR: And what the hell
do you think you're playing at?
198
00:15:56,078 --> 00:15:57,989
That's my bloody Up, move it!
199
00:15:58,078 --> 00:16:01,309
This hasn't been parked here for your recreation,
for God's sakes
200
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:04,948
Stop doing that while I'm talking to you
201
00:16:05,518 --> 00:16:08,112
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
202
00:16:09,318 --> 00:16:10,671
Get out of there!
203
00:16:11,878 --> 00:16:13,755
law down here
204
00:16:13,838 --> 00:16:16,557
I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life!
Go on!
205
00:16:16,678 --> 00:16:19,317
You! Get your toes out of my headrest!
206
00:16:22,278 --> 00:16:24,667
will know about it, I can tell you
207
00:16:24,998 --> 00:16:25,987
(DOOR CLOSING)
208
00:16:26,438 --> 00:16:30,909
Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit,
I don't know what does!
209
00:16:30,998 --> 00:16:32,556
Did you see that?
210
00:16:32,638 --> 00:16:34,833
Young bloke from down the road
with his girlfriend
211
00:16:34,918 --> 00:16:37,830
only having sex in the back seat of our car
212
00:16:39,158 --> 00:16:41,433
Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof
213
00:16:41,518 --> 00:16:46,308
Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it
without a thought for my suspension
214
00:16:48,118 --> 00:16:51,190
They didn't even stop when I opened the door
215
00:16:51,718 --> 00:16:53,948
Stark naked, the pair of them
216
00:16:54,038 --> 00:16:57,951
And he had the cheek to tell me
to go and put some clothes on
217
00:16:58,878 --> 00:17:01,790
Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area
218
00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:04,389
It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin
219
00:17:04,478 --> 00:17:07,197
You see, they don't care any more,
youngsters like that
220
00:17:07,278 --> 00:17:09,917
Butcher his pork next time I see him
221
00:17:10,158 --> 00:17:11,876
Clothes all over the front seat
222
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:14,950
And I daren't tell you
what I found on the gear stick
223
00:17:18,198 --> 00:17:19,267
God!
224
00:17:20,358 --> 00:17:24,237
Completely wore myself out now, with all that
225
00:17:27,678 --> 00:17:30,112
Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret
226
00:17:30,718 --> 00:17:33,312
I've had it with the human race
227
00:17:33,998 --> 00:17:36,558
I'm going to become a registered hermit
228
00:17:38,238 --> 00:17:40,069
Who was it said,
229
00:17:40,358 --> 00:17:42,349
''Hell is other people''?
230
00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:44,998
Mrs Smedley at number 1 4
231
00:17:45,878 --> 00:17:48,870
-Was it?
-Just after she got back from Benidorm
232
00:17:49,118 --> 00:17:52,827
And she's got enough on her plate
with that mother and father of his living there
233
00:17:52,918 --> 00:17:54,670
I don't know how she copes
234
00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:57,226
Don't know when I last saw him
235
00:17:57,718 --> 00:18:01,870
Didn't someone say he's actually so fat
he can't get out the front door now?
236
00:18:02,518 --> 00:18:04,793
How ever much must he weigh?
237
00:18:04,878 --> 00:18:06,311
Don't know
238
00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:10,989
I think it's got something to do with
all the tablets he has to take Poor old soul
239
00:18:12,038 --> 00:18:13,676
I know the neighbours have been complaining
240
00:18:13,758 --> 00:18:17,546
When she hangs his underpants out to dry,
they lose an hour's daylight
241
00:18:20,318 --> 00:18:24,755
I'll be reporting that little incident
to the parents concerned Don't you worry
242
00:18:25,718 --> 00:18:29,108
Bloody yobbery Morning, noon and night
243
00:18:29,198 --> 00:18:30,187
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
244
00:18:30,518 --> 00:18:33,635
-At last!
-The relief!
245
00:18:42,478 --> 00:18:45,629
I do not believe it!
246
00:18:48,078 --> 00:18:49,431
False alarm
247
00:18:49,518 --> 00:18:53,147
I might have known Just as that was
coming up on the box Did you see that?
248
00:18:53,238 --> 00:18:54,990
-See what?
-On the screen just there
249
00:18:55,078 --> 00:18:57,387
A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!
250
00:18:57,478 --> 00:18:59,867
Oh, for goodness sake
251
00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:02,313
On the Southeast News, as large as life
252
00:19:02,398 --> 00:19:04,434
I just caught it before it went off again
253
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,191
That was a detail from the Crucifixion
254
00:19:08,798 --> 00:19:11,107
I think I know my own feet when I see them
255
00:19:11,198 --> 00:19:14,474
It's a programme about Renaissance art
256
00:19:14,558 --> 00:19:17,072
I recognise the mole above my big toe
257
00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,876
That was a nail
258
00:19:25,158 --> 00:19:29,834
-Well, I know what I saw
-Oh, will you stop fretting about them?
259
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,796
There's absolutely nothing the matter with them
260
00:19:36,678 --> 00:19:37,667
(VICTOR SIGHING)
261
00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:43,310
So we still can't watch any television
262
00:19:44,838 --> 00:19:46,556
What's on anyway?
263
00:19:47,198 --> 00:19:50,713
Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day
264
00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:54,507
''This week, through the magic
of state of the art technology,
265
00:19:54,598 --> 00:19:59,069
''the team help a pterodactyl
with a cleft palate resume a normal life''
266
00:20:01,358 --> 00:20:05,112
I presume the presenters are computer-generated
as well, are they?
267
00:20:06,158 --> 00:20:10,629
I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead
for 1 5 years to my certain knowledge
268
00:20:16,478 --> 00:20:20,357
It's more than flesh and blood can stand
269
00:20:20,998 --> 00:20:24,195
Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute
270
00:20:33,518 --> 00:20:36,954
Well, there's nothing else for it
271
00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:41,870
but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.
272
00:20:43,518 --> 00:20:44,951
Do we have to?
273
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:48,350
I need something to bring a smile to my face
274
00:20:49,678 --> 00:20:53,466
DALE WINTON ON TAPE: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree
275
00:20:53,558 --> 00:20:55,674
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
276
00:20:55,758 --> 00:20:59,068
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea
277
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:02,628
(VOICE DISTORTING) So twice five miles
of fertile ground...
278
00:21:05,758 --> 00:21:08,477
Oh, turn it off
279
00:21:11,878 --> 00:21:14,870
Well, there must be some more batteries
in this drawer somewhere
280
00:21:14,958 --> 00:21:16,949
There aren't I've already checked
281
00:21:17,038 --> 00:21:18,756
Well, we can't have run out of
282
00:21:18,838 --> 00:21:21,193
Ah, now then
283
00:21:21,638 --> 00:21:24,198
Oh, how did we forget about this?
284
00:21:24,678 --> 00:21:28,990
The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred
brought back from Marrakesh
285
00:21:29,078 --> 00:21:31,387
Are we really that desperate?
286
00:21:32,358 --> 00:21:33,950
I'm afraid we are
287
00:21:34,038 --> 00:21:38,828
''An enchanting blend
of camphor, vanilla and peach''
288
00:21:38,918 --> 00:21:40,670
Well, it can't be that bad
289
00:21:48,158 --> 00:21:52,231
Talk about the devils Don't bring it over here
290
00:21:52,758 --> 00:21:53,747
(MARGARET COUGHING)
291
00:22:04,798 --> 00:22:07,949
''Important This is not a circular''
292
00:22:09,198 --> 00:22:11,758
-What is it?
-A circular
293
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:18,111
''Apply now for your special discount loyalty card
to Cottleswood Crematorium
294
00:22:18,958 --> 00:22:22,587
''Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,
295
00:22:22,678 --> 00:22:28,628
''plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend
to be cremated before August 31 st''
296
00:22:32,198 --> 00:22:35,315
If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk
297
00:22:35,398 --> 00:22:38,037
I meant to get some batteries
when I was out this morning,
298
00:22:38,118 --> 00:22:41,076
but with all that kerfuffle on the way home,
it just went right out of my mind
299
00:22:41,158 --> 00:22:42,716
What kerfuffle's that?
300
00:22:42,798 --> 00:22:45,790
Oh, yes I didn't tell you, did I?
301
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:51,511
There was a big siege going on
in one of those houses by the putting green
302
00:22:51,598 --> 00:22:56,433
Some maniac, apparently,
holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint
303
00:22:56,718 --> 00:22:58,788
The police had got the whole area sealed off
304
00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:02,188
Traffic was being diverted
It was just like something out of a film
305
00:23:02,278 --> 00:23:05,315
Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone
near the park
306
00:23:05,398 --> 00:23:08,913
They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes
God knows what else
307
00:23:10,718 --> 00:23:12,151
What time was this?
308
00:23:12,238 --> 00:23:15,150
Well, it's been going on
since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said
309
00:23:15,238 --> 00:23:18,150
But I was up the park first thing this morning
310
00:23:18,238 --> 00:23:22,550
Took that shortcut by the wire netting
right next to the putting green
311
00:23:23,078 --> 00:23:24,670
I didn't see any concealed marksmen
312
00:23:24,758 --> 00:23:27,556
Well, you wouldn't, would you?
They were concealed
313
00:23:27,958 --> 00:23:30,267
I mean, obviously they were taking no chances
314
00:23:30,358 --> 00:23:32,826
Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase
315
00:23:32,918 --> 00:23:36,433
Said if he saw anyone doing anything
remotely suspicious,
316
00:23:36,518 --> 00:23:39,715
he was just going to open fire on them
and ask questions later
317
00:23:39,798 --> 00:23:41,550
Remotely suspicious?
318
00:23:41,638 --> 00:23:44,675
You mean I was fart arsing about up there
in the middle of the grass
319
00:23:44,758 --> 00:23:49,309
in full view of an armed psychopath
doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?
320
00:23:49,398 --> 00:23:52,390
Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton
321
00:23:53,038 --> 00:23:55,836
I could have ended up with a bullet through my
322
00:24:03,838 --> 00:24:07,717
No No, it'll be what you said
323
00:24:08,278 --> 00:24:10,712
Someone with a cigarette in a pub
324
00:24:10,798 --> 00:24:14,711
I mean, this is This is probably
a completely different part of the park
325
00:24:14,798 --> 00:24:16,197
or something
326
00:24:17,918 --> 00:24:20,557
I've come over all faint now
327
00:24:22,558 --> 00:24:27,029
I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear
like a whining sound
328
00:24:29,078 --> 00:24:30,067
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
329
00:24:30,158 --> 00:24:33,594
Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!
330
00:24:33,678 --> 00:24:35,191
Where's the spray?
331
00:24:35,278 --> 00:24:39,112
Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now
332
00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:41,067
(DOORBELL RINGING)
333
00:24:41,758 --> 00:24:43,908
Who the hell is that at this time of night?
334
00:24:49,758 --> 00:24:50,747
(WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)
335
00:24:53,318 --> 00:24:56,435
MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind
336
00:24:57,598 --> 00:24:59,634
Well, we'll be only too pleased to
337
00:24:59,718 --> 00:25:02,755
So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine
338
00:25:04,158 --> 00:25:07,195
What wouldn't we mind?
What are we only too pleased to do now?
339
00:25:07,278 --> 00:25:11,237
Mrs Smedley She's got to take her mother-in-law
up the hospital
340
00:25:11,318 --> 00:25:13,036
They think she's had a stroke
341
00:25:13,118 --> 00:25:17,953
And, of course, they can't leave the old man
on his own over there in the dark and everything
342
00:25:18,078 --> 00:25:21,753
So she said, would we mind keeping
an eye on him in here
343
00:25:21,878 --> 00:25:25,553
just to make sure that he's all right, you know,
till they come back
344
00:25:25,638 --> 00:25:27,629
Oh, you're joking
345
00:25:27,718 --> 00:25:31,552
Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?
346
00:25:32,718 --> 00:25:35,755
I mean, how have we got room for him in here?
347
00:25:35,998 --> 00:25:38,558
He'll cause a lunar eclipse
just passing the window
348
00:25:38,638 --> 00:25:39,627
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
349
00:25:39,718 --> 00:25:42,710
Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming
350
00:25:42,798 --> 00:25:45,358
Hello, Mr Sme Oh
351
00:25:45,438 --> 00:25:50,592
My goodness That's a handy gadget to have
in a power cut, is it?
352
00:25:50,678 --> 00:25:53,511
Yes, it used to belong to my brother
353
00:25:53,598 --> 00:25:57,147
Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years
354
00:25:57,238 --> 00:26:00,514
-Really?
-Mmm, prior to his untimely death
355
00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:03,829
-from respiratory failure
-Oh, dear
356
00:26:03,918 --> 00:26:06,478
Well, can we Swing over here
357
00:26:08,278 --> 00:26:10,155
Is that Can you manage that?
358
00:26:10,238 --> 00:26:12,274
Oh, I think we're in business
359
00:26:12,798 --> 00:26:15,232
-You You remember Victor?
-Mmm
360
00:26:15,318 --> 00:26:18,913
Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley
361
00:26:18,998 --> 00:26:21,353
Why don't you come and sit yourself down?
362
00:26:21,438 --> 00:26:24,396
Yes, I I will if you
363
00:26:24,758 --> 00:26:26,430
If you don't mind
364
00:26:27,598 --> 00:26:29,236
Thank you
365
00:26:39,118 --> 00:26:41,678
I'm very sorry about all this
366
00:26:41,998 --> 00:26:45,513
-I'm sorry to be such a nuisance
-Oh, don't be silly
367
00:26:45,598 --> 00:26:48,829
Er, would you like a brandy or anything
to steady your nerves?
368
00:26:48,918 --> 00:26:52,991
Oh, no, it's all right
I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle
369
00:26:55,398 --> 00:26:59,073
It's always a great comfort, I find
370
00:26:59,798 --> 00:27:01,151
Hot water
371
00:27:01,838 --> 00:27:04,147
Sorry to be such a nuisance
372
00:27:05,558 --> 00:27:08,026
They think my wife's had a stroke
373
00:27:08,118 --> 00:27:09,631
Yes, we, erm
374
00:27:09,718 --> 00:27:13,711
Hope she'll be all right up there
They're terribly overstretched
375
00:27:15,118 --> 00:27:17,916
Lady next door had to wait
two hours the other week
376
00:27:17,998 --> 00:27:20,068
just to get to the operating theatre
377
00:27:20,558 --> 00:27:24,915
They said they were very short of trolleys
and did she mind sharing with a corpse?
378
00:27:26,518 --> 00:27:28,509
It is a nightmare these days
379
00:27:28,598 --> 00:27:30,554
I hope she'll be all right up there
380
00:27:30,638 --> 00:27:33,596
They said she'd probably be out in a few days
381
00:27:34,118 --> 00:27:35,756
I expect she will
382
00:27:38,318 --> 00:27:39,592
Well,
383
00:27:40,318 --> 00:27:44,357
perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book
384
00:27:44,598 --> 00:27:47,192
-Would you mind?
-No, of course not You go ahead
385
00:27:47,278 --> 00:27:48,597
Thank you
386
00:27:51,798 --> 00:27:53,151
''Chapter eight
387
00:27:53,998 --> 00:27:57,547
''Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings
388
00:27:57,878 --> 00:28:00,187
''by a visit from Mr Bruff
389
00:28:00,718 --> 00:28:04,267
''There was a noticeable change
in the lawyer's manner
390
00:28:04,478 --> 00:28:07,834
''It had lost its usual confidence and spirit
391
00:28:08,278 --> 00:28:11,588
''He shook hands with me,
for the first time in his life,
392
00:28:11,678 --> 00:28:13,031
''in silence
393
00:28:13,518 --> 00:28:16,396
-'''Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked
-Er, sorry, excuse me
394
00:28:16,478 --> 00:28:18,514
''by way of saying'' Pardon?
395
00:28:18,838 --> 00:28:23,468
Sorry You actually have to read it out aloud or
396
00:28:23,918 --> 00:28:27,752
It's the only way
I can get it to go in, unfortunately
397
00:28:28,118 --> 00:28:29,676
And stay there
398
00:28:30,638 --> 00:28:33,550
You'll find that when you get old
399
00:28:34,958 --> 00:28:39,349
Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance
400
00:28:39,438 --> 00:28:43,750
No, no, no, Mr Smedley
If it helps to take your mind off things
401
00:28:44,438 --> 00:28:48,192
Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid
402
00:28:48,278 --> 00:28:50,553
Oh, fine
Well, you know where it is and everything
403
00:28:50,638 --> 00:28:54,028
No I mean I'm going to the toilet now
404
00:28:59,878 --> 00:29:01,470
As I speak
405
00:29:03,078 --> 00:29:06,115
The control goes, you know, after a while
406
00:29:06,678 --> 00:29:09,875
Aggravated by too much stress and excitement
407
00:29:10,038 --> 00:29:13,633
Well, erm, you know
Well, let's get you sorted out
408
00:29:13,718 --> 00:29:14,946
-Well
-Yes
409
00:29:15,038 --> 00:29:18,314
Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley That's the ticket
410
00:29:19,118 --> 00:29:20,346
Oh, God
411
00:29:20,998 --> 00:29:22,750
-Well, here you are
-Yeah
412
00:29:22,838 --> 00:29:25,432
Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,
413
00:29:25,678 --> 00:29:28,556
so, er, you better go first, I think
414
00:29:28,638 --> 00:29:31,869
Yeah You see, I said I was being a nuisance
415
00:29:31,958 --> 00:29:34,347
-and I have been
-No, no
416
00:29:34,718 --> 00:29:37,278
She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?
417
00:29:37,358 --> 00:29:41,476
I mean, they
They said she'd only be in for a few days
418
00:29:41,798 --> 00:29:42,787
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
419
00:29:45,558 --> 00:29:47,913
MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here
MARGARET: Yes, all right
420
00:29:47,998 --> 00:29:49,670
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
421
00:30:20,558 --> 00:30:23,994
My God, I suppose we're going to be
up with him all night
422
00:30:24,278 --> 00:30:26,951
Potty training Mr Creosote
423
00:30:28,918 --> 00:30:30,954
That's all we needed
424
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:35,873
No, no It looked as if
he's going to nod off in there, actually
425
00:30:36,358 --> 00:30:38,508
I think we might just let him sleep
426
00:30:38,598 --> 00:30:40,475
-Oh
-What?
427
00:30:40,558 --> 00:30:42,833
I just feel a bit sick
428
00:30:42,918 --> 00:30:45,227
What? How sick?
429
00:30:45,318 --> 00:30:48,355
And breathlessness What else have you got?
Chest pains?
430
00:30:48,438 --> 00:30:50,668
Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?
431
00:30:50,758 --> 00:30:52,316
No, no, I'll be okay in a minute
432
00:30:52,398 --> 00:30:55,834
Well, I expect
it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over
433
00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:00,553
Poor old codger
434
00:31:01,478 --> 00:31:03,946
-I suppose
-What?
435
00:31:04,718 --> 00:31:06,595
Well, it just
436
00:31:06,678 --> 00:31:09,636
You know, what he said about his wife
437
00:31:11,038 --> 00:31:13,791
Do you remember
when my dad went into hospital?
438
00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:18,115
They said that would just be for a few days
439
00:31:19,198 --> 00:31:23,157
And after a few days,
they said it would be just a few more
440
00:31:24,158 --> 00:31:26,114
And that's how it went on
441
00:31:27,358 --> 00:31:30,031
And we always knew it would be all right
442
00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:34,267
Couple more days
and he'd be back home with us all again
443
00:31:35,998 --> 00:31:40,310
I don't think there's any other way
we'd have got through those last six months
444
00:31:43,158 --> 00:31:44,955
It's like you said
445
00:31:46,198 --> 00:31:50,908
If it's sunny in the morning you don't want
to know it's going to rain in the afternoon
446
00:31:55,998 --> 00:31:56,987
(GROANING)
447
00:31:57,998 --> 00:32:01,877
Three hours it's been off for now
This is ridiculous!
448
00:32:02,678 --> 00:32:04,555
Yes, well,
449
00:32:05,438 --> 00:32:08,430
I expect it'll come on again any minute
450
00:32:10,958 --> 00:32:12,186
I expect
451
00:32:17,878 --> 00:32:20,711
# They say I might as well face the truth
452
00:32:21,278 --> 00:32:24,076
# That I am just too long in the tooth
453
00:32:24,678 --> 00:32:27,795
# I've started to deteriorate
454
00:32:28,158 --> 00:32:31,275
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
455
00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,835
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
456
00:32:35,238 --> 00:32:38,150
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
457
00:32:38,598 --> 00:32:41,476
#And my old knees have started to knock
458
00:32:42,078 --> 00:32:45,115
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
459
00:32:45,638 --> 00:32:49,426
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
460
00:32:49,678 --> 00:32:52,954
# It's true that my body has seen better days
461
00:32:53,078 --> 00:32:56,627
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
462
00:32:56,998 --> 00:32:59,466
# One foot in the grave
463
00:33:00,558 --> 00:33:02,992
# One foot in the grave
464
00:33:03,998 --> 00:33:06,717
# One foot in the grave #