Ah Misery me
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
(SIGHING)
Beggars belief, doesn't it?
We haven't got one decent candle in the whole house
Don't know how long this lot are going to last
-Don't know where to put them for the best -I know where I'd like to put them
Just be patient
I expect it'll come back on any minute
(SIGHING)
And stop sighing like that You're sucking up all the oxygen
Typical, isn't it? The hottest day of the bloody year
What a good job we bought these three giant Chillmaster electric fans last week
They're just the ticket for a night like this
-I have a good mind to go to bed -Well, why don't you?
I wouldn't sleep this early I never get off till about 3:00 in the morning as it is
Just lying there all tense and jittery
Don't I know it
The way you were twitching about on your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure
Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come
God knows what you were dreaming about
I told you not to watch Deliverance before you went to bed
There'll be claw marks on that headboard now forevermore
Some people grind their teeth in their sleep You grind your buttocks
Yes, all right
I could have sharpened a pencil up there last night
I said, all right
I don't want to be reminded about it, thank you very much
And don't open that window We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes
It's the same every summer
That ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard
No, perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
It's like a bake house in here
Look at these chrysanths Three days and wilting already
Never mind plant food I should give you a sachet of Viagra
Bloody things
(GRUNTING)
I got that sharp pain all down my front again
You can't tell me that's wind
All those monkey nuts you were eating in the bath,
I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone
Lying there with all the little husks floating about like canoes
No wonder you didn't finish your tea
Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawn mower
Three words destined to strike fear into any man
''Easy home assembly''
Just putting the grass box together took four hours
Every time you got a bit to stay in, so another bit would pop out
I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight
Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays,
they still expect you to put it together
''Yes Here's your boarding pass for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew
''You'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at Gate 1 3
''Complete with a full set of instructions''
Same with that lampshade I put up the other day
The chains on that were all lopsided
So you've told me, about 1 00 times
(SIGHING WITH RELIEF)
Wonder if it's Crohn's Syndrome
Will you stop prodding at it?
You've been to the doctor's
He's given you a thorough checkup all over
Yes, that was another thing
I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet
and whistling as though he's never seen anything like it
He said, ''Do you mind if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?''
-I mean, what was that all about? -Well, why didn't you ask him?
Well, I didn't like to, in case it was something hideous
Something else I've got to worry about
Both burning up I can tell you that much
(MOANING)
I wish I had bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams
Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up
Any minute now, the cap
And if I ever find the bastards who did this,
they'll know about it, I can tell you that much
Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down on a pub table to go to the toilet
without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it
If that's what happened
Well, I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite
Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank
Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi? It might help you relax
It doesn't help me relax It makes me feel like a complete idiot
Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it
Thought when they came over to give you some lessons,
the three of you were getting on quite well together
We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty
I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me
and what happened?
I did that thing where you have to squat right down
and I couldn't get back up again
Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee
I won't be trying that again
They say that hot air rises, don't they?
Wonder if it's any cooler down here
(SIGHING)
Good book?
Extremely
And I've just got to the interesting bit So, if you don't mind
(SIGHING)
Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night
Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick
I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one
I expect so, yes
I knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said,
''Where shall I put the spittoon?''
Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off
And said, ''Ah, that's better''
Didn't know where to look
He was using it as a back scratcher at one point
-Oh, do you remember? -Yes
I mean, that's all you want to hear half way through a meal, isn't it?
''Don't make her laugh too much Her glass eye is a bit loose''
Right in a plate of salad
And the eyesight's not that good in the other one
Shouting, ''It's all right I've got it''
Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato out of the socket
It's bad enough with the lawn mower
without having to put the dinner guests back together
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
If it's no better than this tomorrow,
I may have to emigrate
Oh, what did the forecast say? Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler
Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still
You know I never watch the weather forecasts
If it's a nice morning and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon,
how can you enjoy the morning?
Best not to know about it
It's the same with life in general
There are certain things you don't ever want to think about
What sort of things?
Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?
And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?
From one moment to the next
I mean, if you knew now,
all the horrible things that were going to happen
For the love of buggery
What did I say to you about making sure you put those screws in properly?
-Oh! -You know what a hell of a weight this thing is
(GROANING)
Is it still in one piece?
I daren't look
I suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft
Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra
It could have been smashed to smithereens
Don't be coarse
I mean, three and a half days it had to do that
But no It had to come down just at that moment
(GROANING)
And my chest's all horrible and sticky
Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now
I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer you've been squirting on
Enough to glue up a yak
Hair lacquer? Thanks very much for pointing that out to me
You should look at things more carefully in the first place
You are hot I'm hot
There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on
And when will that be?
I expect it'll come back on any minute
Now, do you mind?
(EXHALING LOUDLY)
(UNFOLDING NEWSPAPER LOUDLY)
Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole?
It's a very good one, if I remember rightly
What?
Why do I bother?
I have no idea sometimes
But all that happens at the beginning, surely?
Or do you only find out about it at the end?
Ah, yes
Sorry about that
Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?
If you've finished with it
Thanks
Oh, there's a man here who never throws his urine away
Belongs to a religious sect
that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid
containing part of the human soul
Kept everything he's ever passed since October 1 973
All bottled up in a huge wine cellar
And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed
''Said Mr Hibbert, 48,
'''It's not the first time people have tried to take the piss'''
Oh, you just love finding things like that in the paper, don't you?
I'm only reading what it says
Right up your street, that sort of thing Just tickles you to death
Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able to go to the toilet over the internet
I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?
I don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
Oh, God, what did I tell you?
Now, where's the insect repellent?
I think I left it in the car
Don't You're not opening that front door
Well, what's the difference? They're in here now, anyway
VICTOR: And what the hell do you think you're playing at?
That's my bloody Up, move it!
This hasn't been parked here for your recreation, for God's sakes
Stop doing that while I'm talking to you
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
Get out of there!
law down here
I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life! Go on!
You! Get your toes out of my headrest!
will know about it, I can tell you
(DOOR CLOSING)
Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit, I don't know what does!
Did you see that?
Young bloke from down the road with his girlfriend
only having sex in the back seat of our car
Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof
Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension
They didn't even stop when I opened the door
Stark naked, the pair of them
And he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on
Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area
It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin
You see, they don't care any more, youngsters like that
Butcher his pork next time I see him
Clothes all over the front seat
And I daren't tell you what I found on the gear stick
God!
Completely wore myself out now, with all that
Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret
I've had it with the human race
I'm going to become a registered hermit
Who was it said,
''Hell is other people''?
Mrs Smedley at number 1 4
-Was it? -Just after she got back from Benidorm
And she's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there
I don't know how she copes
Don't know when I last saw him
Didn't someone say he's actually so fat he can't get out the front door now?
How ever much must he weigh?
Don't know
I think it's got something to do with all the tablets he has to take Poor old soul
I know the neighbours have been complaining
When she hangs his underpants out to dry, they lose an hour's daylight
I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned Don't you worry
Bloody yobbery Morning, noon and night
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
-At last! -The relief!
I do not believe it!
False alarm
I might have known Just as that was coming up on the box Did you see that?
-See what? -On the screen just there
A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!
Oh, for goodness sake
On the Southeast News, as large as life
I just caught it before it went off again
That was a detail from the Crucifixion
I think I know my own feet when I see them
It's a programme about Renaissance art
I recognise the mole above my big toe
That was a nail
-Well, I know what I saw -Oh, will you stop fretting about them?
There's absolutely nothing the matter with them
(VICTOR SIGHING)
So we still can't watch any television
What's on anyway?
Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day
''This week, through the magic of state of the art technology,
''the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate resume a normal life''
I presume the presenters are computer-generated as well, are they?
I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead for 1 5 years to my certain knowledge
It's more than flesh and blood can stand
Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute
Well, there's nothing else for it
but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.
Do we have to?
I need something to bring a smile to my face
DALE WINTON ON TAPE: In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea
(VOICE DISTORTING) So twice five miles of fertile ground...
Oh, turn it off
Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere
There aren't I've already checked
Well, we can't have run out of
Ah, now then
Oh, how did we forget about this?
The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakesh
Are we really that desperate?
I'm afraid we are
''An enchanting blend of camphor, vanilla and peach''
Well, it can't be that bad
Talk about the devils Don't bring it over here
(MARGARET COUGHING)
''Important This is not a circular''
-What is it? -A circular
''Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood Crematorium
''Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,
''plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31 st''
If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk
I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning,
but with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind
What kerfuffle's that?
Oh, yes I didn't tell you, did I?
There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green
Some maniac, apparently, holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint
The police had got the whole area sealed off
Traffic was being diverted It was just like something out of a film
Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone near the park
They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes God knows what else
What time was this?
Well, it's been going on since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said
But I was up the park first thing this morning
Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green
I didn't see any concealed marksmen
Well, you wouldn't, would you? They were concealed
I mean, obviously they were taking no chances
Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase
Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious,
he was just going to open fire on them and ask questions later
Remotely suspicious?
You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass
in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?
Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton
I could have ended up with a bullet through my
No No, it'll be what you said
Someone with a cigarette in a pub
I mean, this is This is probably a completely different part of the park
or something
I've come over all faint now
I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear like a whining sound
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!
Where's the spray?
Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Who the hell is that at this time of night?
(WOMAN MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)
MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind
Well, we'll be only too pleased to
So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine
What wouldn't we mind? What are we only too pleased to do now?
Mrs Smedley She's got to take her mother-in-law up the hospital
They think she's had a stroke
And, of course, they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything
So she said, would we mind keeping an eye on him in here
just to make sure that he's all right, you know, till they come back
Oh, you're joking
Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?
I mean, how have we got room for him in here?
He'll cause a lunar eclipse just passing the window
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming
Hello, Mr Sme Oh
My goodness That's a handy gadget to have in a power cut, is it?
Yes, it used to belong to my brother
Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years
-Really? -Mmm, prior to his untimely death
-from respiratory failure -Oh, dear
Well, can we Swing over here
Is that Can you manage that?
Oh, I think we're in business
-You You remember Victor? -Mmm
Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley
Why don't you come and sit yourself down?
Yes, I I will if you
If you don't mind
Thank you
I'm very sorry about all this
-I'm sorry to be such a nuisance -Oh, don't be silly
Er, would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves?
Oh, no, it's all right I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle
It's always a great comfort, I find
Hot water
Sorry to be such a nuisance
They think my wife's had a stroke
Yes, we, erm
Hope she'll be all right up there They're terribly overstretched
Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week
just to get to the operating theatre
They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with a corpse?
It is a nightmare these days
I hope she'll be all right up there
They said she'd probably be out in a few days
I expect she will
Well,
perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book
-Would you mind? -No, of course not You go ahead
Thank you
''Chapter eight
''Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings
''by a visit from Mr Bruff
''There was a noticeable change in the lawyer's manner
''It had lost its usual confidence and spirit
''He shook hands with me, for the first time in his life,
''in silence
-'''Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked -Er, sorry, excuse me
''by way of saying'' Pardon?
Sorry You actually have to read it out aloud or
It's the only way I can get it to go in, unfortunately
And stay there
You'll find that when you get old
Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance
No, no, no, Mr Smedley If it helps to take your mind off things
Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid
Oh, fine Well, you know where it is and everything
No I mean I'm going to the toilet now
As I speak
The control goes, you know, after a while
Aggravated by too much stress and excitement
Well, erm, you know Well, let's get you sorted out
-Well -Yes
Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley That's the ticket
Oh, God
-Well, here you are -Yeah
Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,
so, er, you better go first, I think
Yeah You see, I said I was being a nuisance
-and I have been -No, no
She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?
I mean, they They said she'd only be in for a few days
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here MARGARET: Yes, all right
(MARGARET AND MR SMEDLEY CHATTING)
My God, I suppose we're going to be up with him all night
Potty training Mr Creosote
That's all we needed
No, no It looked as if he's going to nod off in there, actually
I think we might just let him sleep
-Oh -What?
I just feel a bit sick
What? How sick?
And breathlessness What else have you got? Chest pains?
Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?
No, no, I'll be okay in a minute
Well, I expect it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over
Poor old codger
-I suppose -What?
Well, it just
You know, what he said about his wife
Do you remember when my dad went into hospital?
They said that would just be for a few days
And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more
And that's how it went on
And we always knew it would be all right
Couple more days and he'd be back home with us all again
I don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months
It's like you said
If it's sunny in the morning you don't want to know it's going to rain in the afternoon
(GROANING)
Three hours it's been off for now This is ridiculous!
Yes, well,
I expect it'll come on again any minute
I expect
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #