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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,494 --> 00:00:09,884
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
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# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
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# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,854 --> 00:00:20,927
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
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# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
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# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
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(MOSQUITOES BUZZING)
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Oi! You! What the bloody
11
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Bloody moron!
12
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I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there?
13
00:02:33,134 --> 00:02:37,207
Only, I think your front fog lamp
seems to be on for some reason
14
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Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of
this morning is not a matter I consider relevant
15
00:03:14,214 --> 00:03:17,570
The fact remains
that the Open Sesame automatic garage door
16
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which you installed for me last week
has just jammed again for the seventh time
17
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And as BMW rather short-sightedly failed
to include a limbo-dancing option
18
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,733
on the new 300 series,
19
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I'm keen to learn how you expect me
to get the car on the road
20
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Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's
''chaffing my hide this morning'', Mr Gorringe
21
00:03:36,414 --> 00:03:39,212
It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe
22
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that I rather foolishly ordered from your company
for my brother's birthday,
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00:03:42,974 --> 00:03:47,013
which I can't help noticing
has arrived with two northern hemispheres
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00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,964
If by ''one of our top service engineers'',
25
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you're referring
to the young child with the hair full of glue
26
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who spent three hours here yesterday
wobbling around on top of a ladder
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presumably in an attempt
to make his testicles drop,
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-I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod
-Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe
29
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And while a world with two Europes
and no Australia
30
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may have obvious cultural advantages,
31
00:04:08,654 --> 00:04:12,010
I'm afraid it doesn't quite square
with the theory of continental drift
32
00:04:12,454 --> 00:04:16,447
I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod,
whether it was Rick or Dave
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Although you'd very sensibly
had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow,
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I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off
35
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Has he indeed?
Well, how very fine and dandy for him
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Well, it depends what you mean
by ''very noticeable'', Mr Gorringe
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I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded
in some form of industrial accident,
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then certainly all our troubles would be over
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Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations,
Mr Skinpod
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And then tell him to get his arse
back round here now and finish the job
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Yes, I should expect a proper replacement
within 24 hours
42
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or heads and hemispheres will roll
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That little twerp I had a barney with
outside yesterday,
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he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid
on the mid-week lottery
45
00:04:57,614 --> 00:04:59,525
-Unbelievable
-Unbelievable
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Right, then,
perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits
47
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Get that bottle of whisky
you wanted to take back with you, Nigel
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It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it?
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So I'll see you about 5:00, then Bye
50
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(RADIO STATIC HISSING)
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Bloody stereo Drives you up the wall
52
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Tell me about it It was bad enough in mono
53
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Morning, Mr Meldrew
I'd get it in Boots if I were you
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-What?
-The Anusol
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They'll charge you the Earth in places like this
56
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-Oh, I was just
-No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually
57
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Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this
58
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It's the second prize in
the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola
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You forgot you even bought the ticket
60
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Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners
I gather it's quite a family heirloom
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00:06:08,694 --> 00:06:11,572
-Yes, it's
-It's her late husband's false beard
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You remember, he always had
that chronic facial dermatitis
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Now, she's had it all
steam cleaned and everything
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But be very sparing with the gum arabic
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Yeah, right I'll bear that in mind
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All set for the big day tomorrow?
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00:06:25,694 --> 00:06:27,844
Oh, yes, yes, yes
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00:06:27,934 --> 00:06:31,529
They say it's one of the most traumatic events
in your life, don't they, moving house?
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But, oh, I don't know
There are far too many memories for me there
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Well, if I don't see you before you go,
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keep in touch and, er
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well, hope it all works out for you
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Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew
That's very kind, and, erm
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Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew
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and bye-bye to you
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Bye, Mr Swainey
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WOMAN ON TV: ...released seven months early...
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...charred hinterland of the Chachinji.
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A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds
waits for another dawn to break.
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But with daylight
comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
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00:07:22,574 --> 00:07:28,604
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta
have begun shelling rebel positions.
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00:07:29,054 --> 00:07:35,004
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News
on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
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What is this supposed to be like? Any good?
84
00:07:39,174 --> 00:07:41,734
Depends if you like watching grown men
take their clothes off
85
00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:54,887
You haven't got anything
a bit stronger down there, I suppose?
86
00:08:00,254 --> 00:08:04,088
How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger?
87
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:12,886
Pippa, how lovely to see you Come and sit down
I think this is still warm
88
00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:18,691
I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away
from the Brothers Grimm this morning
89
00:08:18,774 --> 00:08:21,049
or go completely doolally
90
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,490
Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about?
He's been over from Norfolk?
91
00:08:24,574 --> 00:08:28,010
Yes Just been out to get him
a drop of the hard stuff
92
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before we see him off at the station
93
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Plus, a little treat for myself,
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which I think I deserve after three weeks of that
95
00:08:37,414 --> 00:08:39,769
I can't remember if you've told me
Is he divorced?
96
00:08:40,174 --> 00:08:43,246
No, he's never married, Nigel
97
00:08:43,334 --> 00:08:45,245
-He's
-Got more sense?
98
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:51,011
Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby,
which is not quite the same thing
99
00:08:51,494 --> 00:08:55,612
Apart from that side of things,
he's so much like Patrick it's frightening
100
00:08:55,694 --> 00:08:59,448
It's like every phone call
is an episode of Kavanagh QC.
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00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:02,207
I mean, what is it with men?
102
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:05,047
They're another species It's like this one
103
00:09:05,134 --> 00:09:09,491
Bought himself a fishing rod now,
would you believe? With all the gubbins
104
00:09:09,974 --> 00:09:13,330
Think he has the first idea how to cast a line?
105
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,330
Took a woodpecker out of a tree
the other morning
106
00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:21,646
Poor thing ended up beak first
down an old lady's jogging shorts
107
00:09:22,214 --> 00:09:26,810
What a nightmare!
Oh, I should be picking up a prescription
108
00:09:26,894 --> 00:09:29,772
Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you,
as far as the bus stop
109
00:09:37,814 --> 00:09:41,250
Oh, for God's sake!
110
00:09:52,494 --> 00:09:54,291
(DOOR OPENING)
111
00:09:59,334 --> 00:10:04,567
I don't know That surgery gets worse
Talk about headless chickens
112
00:10:08,614 --> 00:10:12,766
Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor?
113
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Sorry?
114
00:10:14,094 --> 00:10:16,767
Into the bloody fridge where it came from?
115
00:10:18,774 --> 00:10:21,766
Must be at least three days past its sell-by
116
00:10:22,174 --> 00:10:24,813
Why you keep going in that place is beyond me
117
00:10:29,694 --> 00:10:32,572
You know,
I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn
118
00:10:33,494 --> 00:10:35,849
-Out of what?
-Dodgy Douglas
119
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:39,563
He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back,
if I fancied it, to go with the video
120
00:10:39,654 --> 00:10:43,010
-Then he didn't put it in, if you please
-Leave it
121
00:10:45,174 --> 00:10:49,087
What with that other bastard first thing,
I'd just about had a day of it
122
00:10:50,454 --> 00:10:53,969
Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk
123
00:10:54,774 --> 00:10:56,253
Your talk?
124
00:10:57,134 --> 00:11:01,286
Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit
and listen to you moan and groan
125
00:11:01,374 --> 00:11:04,730
about everything under the sun, I can't imagine
126
00:11:05,654 --> 00:11:08,487
I think your cousin Ivor
must be going soft in the head
127
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,965
''PS Gladys sends her love and says,
128
00:11:12,054 --> 00:11:15,933
'''When are you going to come
and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute?
129
00:11:16,014 --> 00:11:18,244
'''We're sure the Gospel
according to Victor Meldrew
130
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:21,087
'''would be the highlight of their year!'''
131
00:11:22,054 --> 00:11:23,851
Exclamation mark
132
00:11:24,774 --> 00:11:28,892
I'm thinking of basing it around the theme
of evolution gone wrong
133
00:11:29,694 --> 00:11:32,492
Neanderthal man did not in fact die out
134
00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:35,042
He went to work for Sky Digital
135
00:11:35,814 --> 00:11:37,964
Ruddy performance we had with them
136
00:11:39,374 --> 00:11:42,810
Oh, you'll never guess
what I saw this morning on the news
137
00:11:42,894 --> 00:11:46,489
An American reporter
who looked just like Mr Swainey
138
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:49,771
It was incredible I think the tape is still in there
139
00:11:49,854 --> 00:11:52,732
because I was watching it
before Pippa came round
140
00:11:53,054 --> 00:11:55,614
Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately,
141
00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:58,254
what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay
142
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:01,526
Really? I didn't know he had one
143
00:12:02,214 --> 00:12:04,489
Yes Gay, apparently
144
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:07,168
But just like Patrick in every respect
145
00:12:09,574 --> 00:12:13,044
I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other
146
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:14,972
But I thought Oh
147
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Tsk, tsk, tsk
148
00:12:16,574 --> 00:12:18,849
What's this she's left behind?
149
00:12:19,294 --> 00:12:21,854
Do you mean they're completely identical?
150
00:12:22,054 --> 00:12:25,763
Sorry? Oh, well, yes Facially, the spitting image
151
00:12:27,694 --> 00:12:29,685
I wonder why he never said anything
152
00:12:29,774 --> 00:12:32,083
-Who?
-Patrick
153
00:12:32,974 --> 00:12:34,168
What about?
154
00:12:34,934 --> 00:12:38,085
Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other
155
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:42,406
I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay,
it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups
156
00:12:43,614 --> 00:12:46,082
Do you want to peel those potatoes
while I get this pie on?
157
00:12:46,174 --> 00:12:47,607
Yeah Can do
158
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:49,643
What's this?
159
00:12:50,414 --> 00:12:53,724
Oh, I don't know
Some video that Pippa left behind
160
00:12:55,814 --> 00:12:59,443
''Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong
161
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,765
''in Mounted Police 5. ''
162
00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:07,045
Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea
if there's nothing else on,
163
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:09,011
while you do the washing up
164
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,848
Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams
that he's been back to fix it?
165
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:20,653
After he's just won a fortune on the lottery?
166
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:24,886
I should think he's jacked the job in
He's halfway to Barbados by now
167
00:13:27,694 --> 00:13:31,050
Or have a few firm words
on the phone this morning
168
00:13:31,134 --> 00:13:33,284
taught him the error of his ways?
169
00:13:49,414 --> 00:13:51,974
The little bastard I'll kill him
170
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:55,611
(MEN GROANING ON TV)
171
00:13:59,894 --> 00:14:02,010
(MEN MOANING ON TV)
172
00:14:02,654 --> 00:14:04,007
Victor
173
00:14:06,174 --> 00:14:07,926
VICTOR: Yes
174
00:14:08,654 --> 00:14:10,645
What is this racket?
175
00:14:23,254 --> 00:14:25,131
What is this?
176
00:14:26,774 --> 00:14:28,571
It's not Dixon of Dock Green.
177
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,529
(YELPING)
178
00:14:44,014 --> 00:14:49,850
Can you imagine going out and buying
your brother-in-law something like that?
179
00:14:50,694 --> 00:14:53,003
Hard stuff, she said
180
00:14:53,094 --> 00:14:54,812
My God!
181
00:14:56,014 --> 00:14:57,970
I mean,
182
00:14:58,054 --> 00:15:01,251
is that what some men actually
183
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:05,168
-Where do you think she got it?
-I don't know
184
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:09,805
All I know is that's your first job
tomorrow morning, to take it back to them
185
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:14,168
Where did I put those smelling salts?
186
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:30,404
Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet
187
00:15:30,654 --> 00:15:33,122
I've been looking forward to that all afternoon
188
00:15:33,214 --> 00:15:36,012
Oh, I'm sorry I thought it was going begging
189
00:15:36,654 --> 00:15:41,569
After all the upheaval today,
I needed something to steady my nerves
190
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:44,573
What?
191
00:15:46,294 --> 00:15:51,209
I don't know I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up
192
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:55,131
from the Some reason
193
00:15:55,214 --> 00:15:59,492
I mean, just look at that
You've done everything but suck the bloody cork
194
00:16:01,174 --> 00:16:03,449
Where is the cork anyway?
195
00:16:11,014 --> 00:16:14,086
There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick
196
00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:18,490
It's gone quite a long way in
197
00:16:20,694 --> 00:16:23,811
Don't just stand there twittering Get it out
198
00:16:23,894 --> 00:16:28,172
Oh, right What am I now?
A qualified proctologist? How?
199
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:31,803
Well, I don't know
How do you normally get a cork out?
200
00:16:32,654 --> 00:16:34,167
I suppose
201
00:16:40,814 --> 00:16:46,684
Not that one, you witless woman
The one in the drawer that we take on holiday
202
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,887
How's that going to work?
203
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:04,373
I feel very uncomfortable doing this
204
00:17:05,174 --> 00:17:09,884
Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing
ever more relaxed and confident
205
00:17:10,294 --> 00:17:12,888
Can you just get on with it, please?
206
00:17:17,414 --> 00:17:19,245
(PATRICK SCREAMING)
207
00:17:19,774 --> 00:17:24,052
I'm sorry about that
Perhaps we'd better call the hospital
208
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:49,731
Morning, Mr Meldrew You're up bright and early
209
00:17:51,294 --> 00:17:52,647
I thought
210
00:17:53,094 --> 00:17:55,927
You never said
you were only moving two doors along
211
00:17:56,014 --> 00:17:58,448
Sorry? Oh, yes I always wanted an end-house
212
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:02,163
and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start
without really leaving the area
213
00:18:02,254 --> 00:18:07,248
So, soon as I heard the McVities
were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer
214
00:18:07,334 --> 00:18:09,609
Of course, I still haven't found a buyer
for number 21 ,
215
00:18:09,694 --> 00:18:12,652
but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it
216
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:14,725
-Funny? Why
-MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey
217
00:18:14,814 --> 00:18:16,532
-You settling in all right?
-Oh, yes
218
00:18:16,614 --> 00:18:18,650
There's that news report I was telling you about
219
00:18:18,734 --> 00:18:20,884
You see what you make of that
when you have a moment
220
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,363
I will, Mrs Meldrew Sounds very intriguing
221
00:18:23,974 --> 00:18:28,092
That was another thing, Mr Meldrew
I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00
222
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:31,610
The estate agent says they sound quite serious
Mr and Mrs Gleeson
223
00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,811
Oh, right Fingers crossed there, then
224
00:18:34,894 --> 00:18:38,011
Yes, he said that the husband was
a very nasty piece of work, apparently
225
00:18:38,094 --> 00:18:42,087
Very violent And by all accounts,
it's a total fluke he found the place
226
00:18:42,174 --> 00:18:46,326
Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning,
having lunch at some pub
227
00:18:46,414 --> 00:18:49,531
when some lunatic
stuck a load of maggots in his food
228
00:18:49,614 --> 00:18:53,527
Said he tried to drive after him but lost him
at the roundabout just down the road here
229
00:18:53,614 --> 00:18:56,128
and that's when he noticed my sign post
230
00:18:56,214 --> 00:18:57,329
-Really?
-Yes
231
00:18:57,414 --> 00:19:01,851
Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again,
he's going to beat the living shit out of him
232
00:19:02,094 --> 00:19:03,846
Never heard such language
233
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:07,210
But anyway, I'll bring him round later
so you two can get to know each other
234
00:19:07,294 --> 00:19:10,331
I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds
See you later, then, Mr Meldrew
235
00:19:10,414 --> 00:19:12,882
There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr
236
00:19:20,614 --> 00:19:22,764
Chucking it down out there
237
00:19:23,294 --> 00:19:25,762
Why don't you just leave it till later?
238
00:19:25,854 --> 00:19:28,129
If I leave it till later, the place will be packed
239
00:19:28,214 --> 00:19:32,127
With all the usual walking wounded,
people with tennis rackets through their heads,
240
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:34,728
I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas
241
00:19:35,214 --> 00:19:40,971
So how do you think they're going to get it out?
242
00:19:42,654 --> 00:19:46,966
Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints
of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back
243
00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:50,649
I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure
for this sort of thing
244
00:19:50,734 --> 00:19:54,010
Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer?
245
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:57,291
Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants
246
00:19:57,494 --> 00:20:01,009
Oh, hang on I think I left
that lavender one of mine in the kitchen
247
00:20:01,094 --> 00:20:02,243
Lavender one?
248
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:05,371
Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen
walking around with that in my hand,
249
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,682
you're very much mistaken
250
00:20:06,774 --> 00:20:08,173
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
251
00:20:36,774 --> 00:20:41,768
Excuse me We've never met before
My name is Victor Meldrew
252
00:20:42,494 --> 00:20:46,612
I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's,
and I think she might have
253
00:20:47,254 --> 00:20:51,532
Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so
254
00:21:05,574 --> 00:21:09,283
SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV)
A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds
255
00:21:09,494 --> 00:21:11,530
waits for another dawn to break.
256
00:21:11,974 --> 00:21:15,853
But with daylight
comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
257
00:21:16,014 --> 00:21:22,328
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta
have begun shelling rebel positions.
258
00:21:23,414 --> 00:21:29,762
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News
on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
259
00:21:37,414 --> 00:21:39,006
Yes, well
260
00:21:39,454 --> 00:21:44,050
If you want to know about pubs,
the man to ask is probably my husband,
261
00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:48,323
who should be home Oh, talk of the devil
262
00:21:48,694 --> 00:21:52,289
Well, that gives us a chance to get off now,
doesn't it?
263
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,805
I said I'd give you a hand
264
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:57,569
to take that stuff up the tip before it closes
265
00:21:57,654 --> 00:22:00,009
Oh, yes That would be handy
266
00:22:00,134 --> 00:22:03,683
I'm home Margaret? Sorry about the time
267
00:22:03,814 --> 00:22:07,568
I didn't want to get here too soon
in case he came round with that ruddy
268
00:22:07,654 --> 00:22:09,929
Yes, Victor
269
00:22:11,374 --> 00:22:16,243
When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like
to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson,
270
00:22:16,414 --> 00:22:19,053
who may soon be moving in next door
271
00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:22,132
Mr Swainey and I
are just popping out for half an hour
272
00:22:22,214 --> 00:22:25,251
Well, nice to have met you both Bye
273
00:22:32,974 --> 00:22:35,010
Now, I'm not saying he will get out
274
00:22:35,134 --> 00:22:39,093
But if he does,
you don't let him know you're frightened, okay?
275
00:22:39,294 --> 00:22:42,491
That's the worst thing you can do
with a pit bull, that is
276
00:22:48,254 --> 00:22:51,644
Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly
277
00:22:51,734 --> 00:22:52,803
Dangerous?
278
00:22:52,894 --> 00:22:57,604
He killed a bleeding swan the other day
and brought it back to the house, didn't he?
279
00:22:57,694 --> 00:23:01,209
As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology
280
00:23:05,014 --> 00:23:10,088
Well, I don't want to hurry you both,
but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh!
281
00:23:10,174 --> 00:23:12,324
All right
282
00:23:14,294 --> 00:23:18,003
So hope to see you again,
perhaps in the near future
283
00:23:18,094 --> 00:23:21,882
-Thanks for the beers
-Not at all Thank you Bye
284
00:23:34,654 --> 00:23:39,728
Okay, so you like the taste of worms
285
00:23:47,574 --> 00:23:52,694
Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew
I appreciate you spending the time
286
00:23:52,774 --> 00:23:57,211
Yes I'm surprised at how much junk
you do accumulate over the years
287
00:23:57,814 --> 00:23:59,691
without even being aware of it
288
00:24:00,374 --> 00:24:03,286
Could do with a good clear-out ourselves
one of these days,
289
00:24:03,534 --> 00:24:05,013
if it comes to that
290
00:24:06,254 --> 00:24:07,687
Are you all right, Mr Swainey?
291
00:24:07,774 --> 00:24:11,562
I thought you'd be more chipper today
with the new house and everything
292
00:24:11,654 --> 00:24:13,485
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am
293
00:24:14,014 --> 00:24:15,413
I suppose
294
00:24:17,294 --> 00:24:20,445
It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch
295
00:24:21,654 --> 00:24:25,044
That man, he wasn't anyone you
296
00:24:26,374 --> 00:24:28,888
-He wasn't a relative or anything?
-Oh, no, no, no, no
297
00:24:28,974 --> 00:24:33,923
It's just a bit of a shock to the system,
something like that,
298
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,528
as if, I don't know,
299
00:24:38,214 --> 00:24:40,728
someone was taunting me
300
00:24:41,534 --> 00:24:44,844
with a glimpse of the man I should have been
301
00:24:47,054 --> 00:24:50,842
It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman
living at home with his mother for 40 years,
302
00:24:50,934 --> 00:24:52,572
running tombolas
303
00:24:54,094 --> 00:24:56,528
like an overgrown Boy Scout
304
00:25:01,414 --> 00:25:04,531
Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey
305
00:25:05,574 --> 00:25:07,929
Just earning the respect of others
306
00:25:08,014 --> 00:25:12,451
as a decent and gentle human being
307
00:25:12,534 --> 00:25:15,094
is enough for anyone to be proud of
308
00:25:15,534 --> 00:25:20,130
Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot
of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew,
309
00:25:22,654 --> 00:25:25,248
but who's gonna wheel me about?
310
00:25:41,854 --> 00:25:43,333
Victor!
311
00:25:46,374 --> 00:25:51,494
I suppose all this will be going into your lecture,
will it? To the Women's Institute?
312
00:25:53,174 --> 00:25:57,850
Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity,
by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask
313
00:25:58,854 --> 00:26:01,607
I never want to see the likes of that again
314
00:26:03,054 --> 00:26:07,969
What is it for them, do you think,
about American policemen that's so exciting?
315
00:26:08,414 --> 00:26:14,649
Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy
about Officer Dibble in Top Cat.
316
00:26:15,654 --> 00:26:18,214
I suppose it must just be a combination
317
00:26:18,974 --> 00:26:21,488
of that kind of thing and
318
00:26:24,454 --> 00:26:26,331
Policeman and
319
00:26:27,614 --> 00:26:30,174
Oh, no
320
00:26:30,934 --> 00:26:32,447
You would
321
00:26:42,374 --> 00:26:47,528
Yesterday afternoon,
when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas
322
00:26:47,614 --> 00:26:49,093
Yes?
323
00:26:50,054 --> 00:26:54,889
He said he had some nice popcorn out the back,
if you fancied it
324
00:26:55,374 --> 00:26:56,489
Yes
325
00:26:57,174 --> 00:26:58,653
And you said
326
00:26:59,134 --> 00:27:01,523
Oh, God, Victor!
327
00:27:02,534 --> 00:27:04,843
What? What have I done now?
328
00:27:05,814 --> 00:27:08,965
That tape didn't come out
of Pippa's bag in there at all
329
00:27:09,054 --> 00:27:10,646
It must've fallen out of yours
330
00:27:10,734 --> 00:27:12,804
How could it come out of my bag?
331
00:27:12,894 --> 00:27:15,362
'Cause when you came out of that shop
yesterday afternoon,
332
00:27:15,454 --> 00:27:18,332
you came out with a video of cop porn
333
00:27:23,014 --> 00:27:27,132
As if that wasn't bad enough,
we've just handed it over to
334
00:27:28,094 --> 00:27:30,130
What are they going to think?
335
00:27:40,254 --> 00:27:42,245
Right, I'll be off in a sec, then
336
00:27:42,854 --> 00:27:44,287
You gonna be all right this evening?
337
00:27:44,374 --> 00:27:49,732
I'm not gonna come home and find you
with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything?
338
00:27:51,054 --> 00:27:52,646
(PHONE RINGING)
339
00:27:53,054 --> 00:27:54,328
Trench
340
00:27:55,374 --> 00:28:00,573
I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video
Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance
341
00:28:00,654 --> 00:28:03,168
Something to do with Canadian Mounties,
wasn't it?
342
00:28:03,254 --> 00:28:06,007
Yes, as it happens,
I was up at the hospital this morning
343
00:28:06,094 --> 00:28:09,325
They were appealing for donations
for the new children's annexe
344
00:28:09,414 --> 00:28:11,974
Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing
345
00:28:12,054 --> 00:28:14,648
And there was a big plastic skip
just inside the door,
346
00:28:14,774 --> 00:28:16,730
so I put it in there
347
00:28:17,134 --> 00:28:19,125
Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right?
348
00:28:19,814 --> 00:28:23,602
It just sounded like you were having
some kind of pulmonary embolism
349
00:28:24,654 --> 00:28:26,565
Video? What video is this, then?
350
00:28:26,654 --> 00:28:30,010
This one here
containing hardcore gay pornography
351
00:28:30,254 --> 00:28:33,166
Quite what compelled him
to give it to me in the first place
352
00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:35,051
will almost certainly never be known,
353
00:28:35,134 --> 00:28:38,683
but it is, I fear, a deranged act
which cannot go unpunished
354
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,846
Well, what now?
355
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:46,126
It's in a bin at the Chartres General
356
00:28:46,214 --> 00:28:49,889
And that casualty closes at 8:00
The cases are passed on to the Bedford
357
00:28:50,054 --> 00:28:52,693
-Well, we can't just leave it there
-No
358
00:28:54,374 --> 00:28:56,524
We certainly can't
359
00:28:59,934 --> 00:29:02,004
(WHISTLING)
360
00:29:02,614 --> 00:29:06,812
Why is it whenever you're in a good mood,
I break out in a cold sweat?
361
00:29:07,534 --> 00:29:10,048
Go on, what have you found?
362
00:29:10,174 --> 00:29:12,813
Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local
363
00:29:12,894 --> 00:29:15,328
Under the heading, ''Angling for Trouble''
364
00:29:15,414 --> 00:29:19,202
Says, ''Police were called to the Accident
and Emergency wing of Chartres General
365
00:29:19,294 --> 00:29:22,809
''on Friday night to investigate reports
of a madman on the hospital roof
366
00:29:23,454 --> 00:29:27,606
''The man, believed to be in his 60s,
was discovered squatting near a hole
367
00:29:27,694 --> 00:29:31,926
''in the glass skylight, where he appeared
to be fishing into a box of toys
368
00:29:33,134 --> 00:29:36,968
''As the officers watched, he proceeded
to reel in a succession of video cassettes
369
00:29:37,054 --> 00:29:41,127
''each of which he unhooked,
glanced at and then threw back again
370
00:29:42,374 --> 00:29:46,606
''The man, who was later escorted off the premises
screaming incoherently about popcorn,
371
00:29:46,694 --> 00:29:50,403
''was subsequently identified as Mr''
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera
372
00:29:50,494 --> 00:29:53,327
So I suppose you're on top of the world now
373
00:29:53,414 --> 00:29:55,006
(WHISTLING)
374
00:30:01,574 --> 00:30:03,007
Look at this
375
00:30:03,854 --> 00:30:06,846
I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired,
376
00:30:09,734 --> 00:30:12,453
and it comes back in all this lot
377
00:30:13,734 --> 00:30:17,044
I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there
He's in a good mood
378
00:30:17,254 --> 00:30:20,690
Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's
just been blown up by a land mine
379
00:30:21,814 --> 00:30:25,204
He's taking it as a sign
You're better off not trying to be a hero
380
00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:29,533
I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it,
that we're descended from apes
381
00:30:29,614 --> 00:30:31,172
Polystyrene
382
00:30:31,694 --> 00:30:33,844
Bloody stuff What are you supposed to do with it?
383
00:30:33,934 --> 00:30:36,892
You can't fold it You can't squash it
You can't bend it
384
00:30:36,974 --> 00:30:39,534
Don't start Oh, stop that!
385
00:30:39,614 --> 00:30:40,842
Look, look,
386
00:30:40,934 --> 00:30:44,131
the little white globules stuck
in the carpet like dandruff
387
00:30:44,214 --> 00:30:46,444
If you must do that, take it outside
388
00:30:46,534 --> 00:30:50,493
Now, then, I know what this'll be
From cousin Ivor
389
00:30:50,854 --> 00:30:54,608
Dropped him a line to ask him
when he wanted me to give my talk
390
00:31:04,214 --> 00:31:06,728
Oh, wonderful
391
00:31:07,694 --> 00:31:10,003
-Well, that's that, then
-Why? What does he say?
392
00:31:10,854 --> 00:31:13,812
''Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry
393
00:31:13,894 --> 00:31:17,807
''Unfortunately, when we asked if you could
address a meeting of the Women's Institute,
394
00:31:17,894 --> 00:31:20,089
''we were not being entirely serious
395
00:31:22,894 --> 00:31:25,362
'''Can you imagine,' Gladys says,
396
00:31:25,534 --> 00:31:29,413
'''trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew?
397
00:31:29,494 --> 00:31:32,008
'''We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!'''
398
00:31:33,814 --> 00:31:35,611
Exclamation mark
399
00:31:36,534 --> 00:31:40,049
''Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret Ivor''
400
00:32:01,894 --> 00:32:04,931
(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA
BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING)