# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(MOSQUITOES BUZZING)
Oi! You! What the bloody
Bloody moron!
I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate round there?
Only, I think your front fog lamp seems to be on for some reason
Frankly, Mr Skinpod, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant
The fact remains that the Open Sesame automatic garage door
which you installed for me last week has just jammed again for the seventh time
And as BMW rather short-sightedly failed to include a limbo-dancing option
on the new 300 series,
I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road
Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's ''chaffing my hide this morning'', Mr Gorringe
It concerns a Majestic 2000 Millennium globe
that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday,
which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres
If by ''one of our top service engineers'',
you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue
who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder
presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop,
-I was not impressed, Mr Skinpod -Unfortunately not, Mr Gorringe
And while a world with two Europes and no Australia
may have obvious cultural advantages,
I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift
I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr Skinpod, whether it was Rick or Dave
Although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow,
I'm afraid his name tag seemed to have fallen off
Has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him
Well, it depends what you mean by ''very noticeable'', Mr Gorringe
I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident,
then certainly all our troubles would be over
Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr Skinpod
And then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job
Yes, I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours
or heads and hemispheres will roll
That little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday,
he's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the mid-week lottery
-Unbelievable -Unbelievable
Right, then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits
Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel
It's not till 6:30, your train tonight, is it?
So I'll see you about 5:00, then Bye
(RADIO STATIC HISSING)
Bloody stereo Drives you up the wall
Tell me about it It was bad enough in mono
Morning, Mr Meldrew I'd get it in Boots if I were you
-What? -The Anusol
They'll charge you the Earth in places like this
-Oh, I was just -No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually
Only I've been meaning for ages to give you this
It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola
You forgot you even bought the ticket
Donated by Mrs Cribbins from the dry cleaners I gather it's quite a family heirloom
-Yes, it's -It's her late husband's false beard
You remember, he always had that chronic facial dermatitis
Now, she's had it all steam cleaned and everything
But be very sparing with the gum arabic
Yeah, right I'll bear that in mind
All set for the big day tomorrow?
Oh, yes, yes, yes
They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they, moving house?
But, oh, I don't know There are far too many memories for me there
Well, if I don't see you before you go,
keep in touch and, er
well, hope it all works out for you
Oh, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew That's very kind, and, erm
Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew
and bye-bye to you
Bye, Mr Swainey
WOMAN ON TV: ...released seven months early...
...charred hinterland of the Chachinji.
A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
What is this supposed to be like? Any good?
Depends if you like watching grown men take their clothes off
You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose?
How do you mean exactly, a bit stronger?
Pippa, how lovely to see you Come and sit down I think this is still warm
I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning
or go completely doolally
Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about? He's been over from Norfolk?
Yes Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff
before we see him off at the station
Plus, a little treat for myself,
which I think I deserve after three weeks of that
I can't remember if you've told me Is he divorced?
No, he's never married, Nigel
-He's -Got more sense?
Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing
Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick it's frightening
It's like every phone call is an episode of Kavanagh QC.
I mean, what is it with men?
They're another species It's like this one
Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe? With all the gubbins
Think he has the first idea how to cast a line?
Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other morning
Poor thing ended up beak first down an old lady's jogging shorts
What a nightmare! Oh, I should be picking up a prescription
Oh, right, well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop
Oh, for God's sake!
(DOOR OPENING)
I don't know That surgery gets worse Talk about headless chickens
Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor?
Sorry?
Into the bloody fridge where it came from?
Must be at least three days past its sell-by
Why you keep going in that place is beyond me
You know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn
-Out of what? -Dodgy Douglas
He said he'd a nice bit of popcorn at the back, if I fancied it, to go with the video
-Then he didn't put it in, if you please -Leave it
What with that other bastard first thing, I'd just about had a day of it
Still, it'll be good material for when I give my talk
Your talk?
Why a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you moan and groan
about everything under the sun, I can't imagine
I think your cousin Ivor must be going soft in the head
''PS Gladys sends her love and says,
'''When are you going to come and give a little lecture to our Women's Institute?
'''We're sure the Gospel according to Victor Meldrew
'''would be the highlight of their year!'''
Exclamation mark
I'm thinking of basing it around the theme of evolution gone wrong
Neanderthal man did not in fact die out
He went to work for Sky Digital
Ruddy performance we had with them
Oh, you'll never guess what I saw this morning on the news
An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey
It was incredible I think the tape is still in there
because I was watching it before Pippa came round
Says she's just about had a bellyful of it lately,
what with Patrick's brother coming over to stay
Really? I didn't know he had one
Yes Gay, apparently
But just like Patrick in every respect
I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other
But I thought Oh
Tsk, tsk, tsk
What's this she's left behind?
Do you mean they're completely identical?
Sorry? Oh, well, yes Facially, the spitting image
I wonder why he never said anything
-Who? -Patrick
What about?
Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other
I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay, it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups
Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on?
Yeah Can do
What's this?
Oh, I don't know Some video that Pippa left behind
''Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong
''in Mounted Police 5. ''
Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else on,
while you do the washing up
Now, can we imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it?
After he's just won a fortune on the lottery?
I should think he's jacked the job in He's halfway to Barbados by now
Or have a few firm words on the phone this morning
taught him the error of his ways?
The little bastard I'll kill him
(MEN GROANING ON TV)
(MEN MOANING ON TV)
Victor
VICTOR: Yes
What is this racket?
What is this?
It's not Dixon of Dock Green.
(YELPING)
Can you imagine going out and buying your brother-in-law something like that?
Hard stuff, she said
My God!
I mean,
is that what some men actually
-Where do you think she got it? -I don't know
All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning, to take it back to them
Where did I put those smelling salts?
Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet
I've been looking forward to that all afternoon
Oh, I'm sorry I thought it was going begging
After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves
What?
I don't know I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up
from the Some reason
I mean, just look at that You've done everything but suck the bloody cork
Where is the cork anyway?
There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick
It's gone quite a long way in
Don't just stand there twittering Get it out
Oh, right What am I now? A qualified proctologist? How?
Well, I don't know How do you normally get a cork out?
I suppose
Not that one, you witless woman The one in the drawer that we take on holiday
How's that going to work?
I feel very uncomfortable doing this
Isn't that funny? Whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident
Can you just get on with it, please?
(PATRICK SCREAMING)
I'm sorry about that Perhaps we'd better call the hospital
Morning, Mr Meldrew You're up bright and early
I thought
You never said you were only moving two doors along
Sorry? Oh, yes I always wanted an end-house
and, as I say, wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area
So, soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating, I leapt straight in with an offer
Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21 ,
but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it
-Funny? Why -MARGARET: Morning, Mr Swainey
-You settling in all right? -Oh, yes
There's that news report I was telling you about
You see what you make of that when you have a moment
I will, Mrs Meldrew Sounds very intriguing
That was another thing, Mr Meldrew I've got a couple coming round to view at 3:00
The estate agent says they sound quite serious Mr and Mrs Gleeson
Oh, right Fingers crossed there, then
Yes, he said that the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently
Very violent And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place
Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning, having lunch at some pub
when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his food
Said he tried to drive after him but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here
and that's when he noticed my sign post
-Really? -Yes
Yes, he says if he ever sees this chap again, he's going to beat the living shit out of him
Never heard such language
But anyway, I'll bring him round later so you two can get to know each other
I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds See you later, then, Mr Meldrew
There's no need to go to all that trouble, Mr
Chucking it down out there
Why don't you just leave it till later?
If I leave it till later, the place will be packed
With all the usual walking wounded, people with tennis rackets through their heads,
I'll be lucky to see a doctor this side of Christmas
So how do you think they're going to get it out?
Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tizer and tell everyone to stand well back
I'm sure they have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing
Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer?
Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants
Oh, hang on I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen
Lavender one?
Yes, if you think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand,
you're very much mistaken
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Excuse me We've never met before My name is Victor Meldrew
I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's, and I think she might have
Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so
SKIP HOBERMAN: (ON TV) A ragtag army of farmers and simple goatherds
waits for another dawn to break.
But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta have begun shelling rebel positions.
This is Skip Hoberman for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argai-Bolak pass.
Yes, well
If you want to know about pubs, the man to ask is probably my husband,
who should be home Oh, talk of the devil
Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it?
I said I'd give you a hand
to take that stuff up the tip before it closes
Oh, yes That would be handy
I'm home Margaret? Sorry about the time
I didn't want to get here too soon in case he came round with that ruddy
Yes, Victor
When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat with Mr and Mrs Gleeson,
who may soon be moving in next door
Mr Swainey and I are just popping out for half an hour
Well, nice to have met you both Bye
Now, I'm not saying he will get out
But if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, okay?
That's the worst thing you can do with a pit bull, that is
Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly
Dangerous?
He killed a bleeding swan the other day and brought it back to the house, didn't he?
As I say, you got to use a bit of psychology
Well, I don't want to hurry you both, but the way the traffic is at this end of town, oh!
All right
So hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future
-Thanks for the beers -Not at all Thank you Bye
Okay, so you like the taste of worms
Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Meldrew I appreciate you spending the time
Yes I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years
without even being aware of it
Could do with a good clear-out ourselves one of these days,
if it comes to that
Are you all right, Mr Swainey?
I thought you'd be more chipper today with the new house and everything
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, of course, I am
I suppose
It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch
That man, he wasn't anyone you
-He wasn't a relative or anything? -Oh, no, no, no, no
It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that,
as if, I don't know,
someone was taunting me
with a glimpse of the man I should have been
It's hard to imagine Skip Hoberman living at home with his mother for 40 years,
running tombolas
like an overgrown Boy Scout
Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Swainey
Just earning the respect of others
as a decent and gentle human being
is enough for anyone to be proud of
Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Meldrew,
but who's gonna wheel me about?
Victor!
I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it? To the Women's Institute?
Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning? I forgot to ask
I never want to see the likes of that again
What is it for them, do you think, about American policemen that's so exciting?
Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy about Officer Dibble in Top Cat.
I suppose it must just be a combination
of that kind of thing and
Policeman and
Oh, no
You would
Yesterday afternoon, when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas
Yes?
He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it
Yes
And you said
Oh, God, Victor!
What? What have I done now?
That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all
It must've fallen out of yours
How could it come out of my bag?
'Cause when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon,
you came out with a video of cop porn
As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to
What are they going to think?
Right, I'll be off in a sec, then
You gonna be all right this evening?
I'm not gonna come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything?
(PHONE RINGING)
Trench
I'm sorry, Mr Meldrew? Video Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance
Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it?
Yes, as it happens, I was up at the hospital this morning
They were appealing for donations for the new children's annexe
Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing
And there was a big plastic skip just inside the door,
so I put it in there
Sorry, Mr Meldrew, are you all right?
It just sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism
Video? What video is this, then?
This one here containing hardcore gay pornography
Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place
will almost certainly never be known,
but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished
Well, what now?
It's in a bin at the Chartres General
And that casualty closes at 8:00 The cases are passed on to the Bedford
-Well, we can't just leave it there -No
We certainly can't
(WHISTLING)
Why is it whenever you're in a good mood, I break out in a cold sweat?
Go on, what have you found?
Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local
Under the heading, ''Angling for Trouble''
Says, ''Police were called to the Accident and Emergency wing of Chartres General
''on Friday night to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof
''The man, believed to be in his 60s, was discovered squatting near a hole
''in the glass skylight, where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys
''As the officers watched, he proceeded to reel in a succession of video cassettes
''each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again
''The man, who was later escorted off the premises screaming incoherently about popcorn,
''was subsequently identified as Mr'' Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera
So I suppose you're on top of the world now
(WHISTLING)
Look at this
I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired,
and it comes back in all this lot
I've just been talking to Mr Swainey out there He's in a good mood
Apparently, that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a land mine
He's taking it as a sign You're better off not trying to be a hero
I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it, that we're descended from apes
Polystyrene
Bloody stuff What are you supposed to do with it?
You can't fold it You can't squash it You can't bend it
Don't start Oh, stop that!
Look, look,
the little white globules stuck in the carpet like dandruff
If you must do that, take it outside
Now, then, I know what this'll be From cousin Ivor
Dropped him a line to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk
Oh, wonderful
-Well, that's that, then -Why? What does he say?
''Dear Victor, thank you for your recent enquiry
''Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting of the Women's Institute,
''we were not being entirely serious
'''Can you imagine,' Gladys says,
'''trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew?
'''We wouldn't be able to pay people to come!'''
Exclamation mark
''Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret Ivor''
(ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA BY RICHARD STRAUSS PLAYING)