# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(SIGHING LOUDLY)
Oh, hello
Yes, speaking
No, no
I've enjoyed listening to the complete works of Rachmaninov through a plimsoll
It's brightened my day, no end
Never mind
Well, it's about this private prosecution you're proposing to take out on my husband
for an unprovoked physical assault on the 1 4th of June, this year
To wit, the forcible insertion of a hypodermic syringe into our client's bottom,
occasioning him actual bodily harm
Firstly,
I have to say, I'm amazed how long it's taken you to scrape some kind of case together on this one
Secondly,
since your client's bottom was being thrust out of a car window
at the time the attack took place, I'd hardly call it unprovoked
And thirdly,
as my husband's now been dead for five months, I'd say your chances of getting a conviction
are not especially high
Oh, yes, I most certainly am
Entirely serious
And if you want to go raking up evidence
why don't you try finding the piece of scum who sent him flying into the gutter that night
without so much as stopping to see
If you would please, yes
In the meantime,
I can just file this away, can I, with all my other legal correspondence
Thank you
Now, then
What's next?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh, yes
Mr Gundry, do please come in
Mrs Meldrew, how is it? You sounded rather agitated on the phone
Yes, and it's hardly surprising, is it?
The money this is costing me
for what I hoped would be a precious
and lasting memorial to my marriage
We did agree on the composition, with you, very slightly foreground
I'm not talking about the composition
I'm talking about this
How many photograph albums did I give you to work from?
-I'm sorry, I don't quite -It's Alastair Sim, isn't it?
Alastair Sim? No, no, no, no, no
Do you think?
I don't know why you didn't just put him in drag as the headmistress of St Trinians
and have done with it
No, no I'm afraid I'll have to take issue with you on that, Mrs Meldrew
I mean, Alastair Sim had a much more rascally quality, which was quite different
The sort of parts that would now be played by a Bob Hoskins
or a Freddie Jones, if one thinks of him,
for example, as Professor Potter in the School for Scoundrels.
Look, I don't want a bloody debate about his film career
All I'm saying is, this is not the man I shared 38 years of my life with
And it's not going on my wall looking like that
So, you can just have another go, Mr Gundry,
before I go totally witless
Oh, Glynis, you're early
Or am I late? Oh, heck!
It's okay Don't panic
I booked a table for 1 :30 but they're very easy at that place
Have I missed all the fun and games?
Oh, don't
You talk about taking over the baton
Listen, I've just about had a week of it myself
What with Michael's old chum sending me that hideous specimen yesterday morning
Oh, dear, what's this?
Best left till we're on our coffees, I think
I don't know The problems just don't seem to go away these days, do they?
Oh
But then, they never did
VICTOR: Unbelievable!
I sometimes think the entire human race has gone completely daffy
Do you know what they were doing up there at the supermarket
when I called in for your cauliflower?
Only filming a bloody Christmas commercial for television
In the middle of June
Ruddy Santa's elves dancing about and God knows what-not
They had the whole car park covered in shredded paper
blowing it about here, there and everywhere to look as if it's snowing
Look at that
I hate to think where else it's got to
Right up my exhaust, I bet a pound to a penny
Where did that come from?
Oh, it's one Mum did ages ago
Apart from a couple of little rips, it's still in pretty good nick
I thought I might put an advert in the local
Let's see if there's someone out there who wants to give it a good ho Oh!
You haven't been to that car boot again?
What is the point of my having a good clear out
when you bring back all this junk?
You know what I managed to get hold of? Do you remember old Dr Spicer,
dropped dead last year at the Texaco filling station?
Oh, and someone tried to give him the kiss of life with the free air pump
Oh, you're joking
Twenty quid was all his daughter wanted for the full bag of tricks
Even got one of those things for testing your blood pressure
You test my blood pressure
I suppose this is going to be the new obsession now, is it?
-Sorry? -Ever since you picked up that leaflet
in the post office about heart disease
Nothing
What does that mean?
I'm either dead or deaf
I haven't got much longer for this world, I can tell you that much
Excuse me Which one of us actually suffered a coronary last year? I seem to have forgotten
Isn't that district nurse of yours coming round this afternoon?
Ah, she'll give me a quick check
Just to make sure I'm still ticking over at any rate
We'll see
How far up's a rectal thermometer meant to go?
What?
1 06, this one says That should be enough
I feel as if I'm burning up to high heaven
Then we're fine again, then, Mrs Meldrew
I shan't need to see you again now until
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
-Should we say, the 1 0th of August? -Yes, that's fine
Excuse us, that'll probably be my nanny
Hello
Hi, Rachel, what's the prob
Oh, really, when did he ring?
Excuse me, it's a query from my accountant about something Would you mind if I just?
No, no I've got to get this stuff out to the dustman, anyway
Oh, yes Well, it's probably on the January bank statement
which is either in that letter rack
or on the desk in my bedroom
Could you?
Mr Meldrew, are you well?
Ah, well, I'm hoping so
I don't know if my wife has said anything to you about my
Oh, yes You were a bit concerned about your fitness level
Okay, how long would it take you to just race upstairs, do you think?
Yes, I think I can manage that
That's about right Now, if you could very quickly run down it for me then, please
Sorry, can you repeat that?
Yeah, keep going
Keep going
Okay, then Just try skipping to the bottom
(THUMPING ON STAIRS)
Ah, stop there That's what we want, er
Now, you've gone a bit faint
Yes, just a little
No, no, I just wanted to check the balance
Yep, yep, that's fine
If you could very quickly get that off for me, that would be lovely
Oh, how's the little fellow, by the way? Not playing up at all?
Is that something else I've got to worry about?
No, just stick a first class stamp on it, that'll be fine
-What? -Bye
Oh, Mr Meldrew
We were saying Have you thought about taking up jogging at all?
My legs are all seizing up now
I knew that would happen if I went for that run in the park this evening
Bloody woman
Should've never listened to her in the first place
MARGARET: You're just not used to the exercise
I mean, that did my confidence a lot of good, didn't it?
Being lapped by an over-80s fitness class
Artificial hips clacking away as they went past
Bought a drink to cool off and some tramp chucked 50p in my cup
I mean, what's the point?
I suppose we've all got to go sometime
MARGARET: Where, exactly?
What do you mean?
Apparently, old Mrs Gantwood down on the corner
has asked the hospital now if they can just let her husband die with dignity
But he only went in for a cataract operation, didn't he?
I know, I think she's pushing her luck a bit there, to be honest
Oh, Victor
Put that ruddy thing away You know you haven't got a clue how it works
(HISSING)
Oh, it's got a ruddy puncture now
How did that happen?
Can I smell onions frying?
Oh, there's a man there on the corner, setting up a hot dog stand
Two women next to him, lighting candles
What on earth do you suppose that's about?
Oi, oi, oi! Where do you think you're going?
A lot of people here before you, you know, with worse things to worry about
-Pay you to have a little consideration -Worse things to worry about?
Who are these people?
This is my house, for goodness sake
(BLITHERING)
Excuse me!
MAN: In you go Easy
(GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYING)
Victor
If you would, Father Yes, I'd appreciate it Thank you
Well, speak to me Wake me up Anything!
It's this bloody advert
I wish I'd never put it in
It's not my fault that people twist things round and see what they want to see
Advert? ''Remarkable embroidery of the Virgin Mary
''Beautifully hand stitched
''Has two small tears under her eyes''
What do you want to put that for?
Two small tears, is what it says
Just after you left
those two women turned up, said they'd been outside all night
praying for a friend of theirs who's in hospital
First thing this morning, they heard his results were clear
Could they come in and give thanks for the miracle?
Well, before I could even gather my thoughts
all this lot started to arrive,
like something out of Franco Zeffirelli
I've phoned Father Blakey at Sacred Heart He's going to try and get round here right away
And let them down gently Don't ask me how
Some more holy water Would you mind?
No
Faith is a powerful motivator, Mrs Meldrew
It brings out the pilgrim in us all
However you look at it, this is a most extraordinary occurrence
Not so extraordinary in this house, I'm afraid
Rather more par for the course
Oh, dear Sounds as if you might welcome a little spiritual comfort yourself, sometime
Sometime, very possibly
GLYNIS: Margaret.
Oh, sorry, Glynis
-It's just -I know
Steals up on you,
like a knife in the ribs
Ah, and it's so much worse for you
I mean, with Michael,
well, you're just trying to fight nature
But what happened to Victor
I don't know, Margaret, how you ever deal with that
Oh, I have a way
So, what were you saying earlier
about a hideous specimen?
This from his friends at the zoo?
Seventeen years, I think I told you, he worked there as a keeper
Fifteen, in the reptile house
Snakes, lizards, anything with scales, he could cope with
It was people always set his teeth on edge
I think I know the type
Last week, one of his favourite animals died
They had it made into a coffee table and delivered to our house
Somehow, I don't think, it would have made his day
I know
I was just starting to wonder with Victor,
how much torment one man can take in his life
It's like the morning, we thought we'd go for a nice little drive to the market in Lanchester
Didn't quite work out?
Well, at least that bag of medical instruments came in handy in the end
I mean, what sort of brain disorder is it anyway,
that makes someone want to stick their bare backside out of a car window
at you in the first place
I don't know
But I don't suppose he'll be doing it again in a hurry
After you lobbed that hypodermic syringe into it like Eric Bristow
He's lucky I didn't have a snooker cue
Anyway, it brought a bit of colour to his cheeks
Bad enough falling asleep in that park with that sun cream lotion on
and getting a face full of grass cuttings
Walking about like David Bellamy with greenfly
That couple took one look at me and fell out of their boat
Heaven knows what they thought, that I had some form of hideous skin disease
Oh, here we go again
Look, everywhere under the sun Look at that
I wonder who this is from Postmark Swansea
Now, then What time is that film on, that I want to record?
8:1 5
That just gives me over an hour to open this packet of videos
Oh, and why we ever thought it was a good idea to go and visit cousin Ivor
I might've known he would just want to show off that new car of his
Made me feel that mine was just a heap of rust
Got me to look out of his electronic sun-roof and what happened?
Ruddy panel jammed against my neck and I get stuck there
I had to go all the way to the fire station with my head poking out the top like a ruddy tank turret
I know I was there, if you recall
Oh, look This is interesting
Do you remember Tom Jones who was on the milk with you?
Thirty odd years ago, when you both worked for Lea Valley Dairies
What's he died of?
Very much alive He says it's the most amazing thing
Next week they're holding a reunion in London for all the old gang
And they've been desperately trying to get hold of you
''As luck would have it, my daughter still sends the local paper every week
''and that's where I saw the report of your miracle picture
''which was a miracle in itself because I got straight on to the editor
''who gave me your address''
What sort of reunion?
Oh, you've got to go, Victor
You'll be able to swap stories Catch up with everyone
They're all meeting up at a pub called The Strangers Rest
next Friday at 8:00
Derek Baker, Bob Loft,
Limpy Briddock, Herbie Stranks
There's a whole list of names here
Limpy Briddock My God
He used to work up the dog track
Until he got his shoelace caught in that electric hare
Wonder what he's been up to over all these years
Well, go along on Friday, you'll find out
It'll be just what you need You'll see
To take you out of yourself
FATHER BLAKEY: Let me get that one.
Oh, Morning
-Are you well? -I'm fine, Mrs Meldrew
More importantly, how are you coping?
How long is it now? It's four weeks?
And three days
Can I say, this is a very positive thing you've organised here
Cleaning up other people's filth?
Oh, yes Gives me no end of pleasure
Victor used to say, it must be a certain kind of person
that regards a lavatory in a toilet as an optional extra
Yes, well, I've got another recruit for you this morning
Lady rang me up last night Her name is Glynis
She lost her husband about a week after yourself
He'd been very ill, I gather, for some time
Morning
Are you Margaret? Glynis Holloway
I just wondered if you could do with another pair of hands
Oh, definitely, the more the merrier
How about if I start with the vacuum cleaner
Sorry?
Oh, right
-You sure you can manage? -Absolutely fine
Mrs Meldrew, I know it must be very hard for you right now
to find any kind of purpose in the world
I think I see how it works, Father
We're all just characters, really, aren't we?
In a giant soap opera
One by one, God gets bored with us and decides to kill us off
Victor Meldrew mown down by a hit and run driver on his way home from a party
Sounds depressingly plausible
A party his wife practically begged him to go to
Well, you
You can't go on torturing yourself for something that wasn't your fault
Oh, I'm afraid I can do a lot of things, Father, if I want to
Torturing myself is the least of them
You ask me how I'm coping Shall I tell you exactly how I'm coping?
By clinging to the hope that one day they find the bastard who was at the wheel of that car
because if they ever do, I swear to God, I'm going to kill him
With my bare hands, if necessary
Then they can do what they like with me
Trouble with the world nowadays,
nobody does anything about anything
Victor tried, God knows
And look where it got him
It's all speed and greed
And he's probably better out of it
The pain is still raw, Mrs Meldrew I can see that
And how can I say I wouldn't feel the same in your shoes,
but the measure of our strength as human beings
is the goodness in our hearts
One day, as impossible as it seems right now, I pray that you'll find that strength
Strength to forgive
(BOARD CREAKING)
(LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTERING)
(INAUDIBLE)
I'd watch that chair, sir It's a bit unreliable
Are you here for the Lea Valley Dairies reunion?
Yes I'm afraid I'm a bit on the late side, to be honest
What with all the trains being up the creek and everything But
Right, well, I've got a couple of messages for you here
A Mr Tom Jones rang,
to say unfortunately, there's been some heavy flooding up on the Welsh coast tonight
Apparently, a male voice choir was swept out to sea
-And the roads are all impassable, so -Oh, what a shame
Herbert Stranks is stuck in traffic on the M6
and doesn't think he'll be able to get here this side of Christmas
Alex Bendricks is really sorry, but he's had to fly to Hamburg
on business at the last minute
And Bob Loft has decided it's too far to drive with his kidneys
Right, I won't be seeing any of them this even
Albert Triplejoy has had to stay at home because his roof has collapsed
Walter Gook called to say his pacemaker's been recalled by the manufacturer
due to a lethal design fault
Mr Briddock Limpy Briddock?
Has had to work overtime, so he's not sure what time he'll be able to make it
And this one Cheryl took down I'm not sure I can read her writing
Derek Baker, is it?
Has got to go and visit his daughter who's recovering from either a Caesarean section
or a Caesar salad
A bald transvestite
Isn't that everybody who was supposed to be coming?
Hang on, sir I'll just check for you
Yes, it is
Dinner is served at 9:00, if you'd like to cast your eye over our menu there
-Or it could be blood transfusion -Right
So, I suppose
Limpy Briddock might still show up if he can get away in time
and I haven't seen him for 35 years
Oh, yes, I'm sure he'll be here well in time for the cabaret, sir
I expect
Cabaret?
Okay, so just to get you in the mood
and hopefully to stir a few of those lovely memories of times you've shared together,
here are some sounds of the '60s
# Purple haze was in my brain
# Lately things don't seem the same
# Acting funny, but I don't know why
# Excuse me while I kiss the sky
# Well, God said to Abraham, ''Kill me a son''
# Abe said, ''Man, you must be putting me on''
# God said, ''No''
# Abe said, ''What?''
# God said, ''You can do what you want, Abe, but
# ''The next time you see me coming, you better run''
# Well, Abe said, ''Where do you want this killing done?''
# God say, ''Out on Highway 61 '' #
-Thank you -Thank you Goodbye
VICTOR: Yes A complete and utter disaster as usual
Look, I don't want to miss the train It's supposed to get in at 1 2:35, so
Alright Yes, I'll see you then
No, no, no, of course it wasn't your fault
Anyway, it's over now, so
Okay, bye
Things can only get better
''Dear Mrs Holloway,
''last Monday morning, the oldest of our giant tortoises, Erasmus,
''died, aged 1 1 9
''Knowing how fond of him Michael was, we have put together this small keepsake
''for you in the workshop
''The inside being fully scraped out and sealed with resin
''So, you can use it to store napkins
''or maybe just grow some form of trailing plant''
Do you know, I have never met anyone else in my life
who goes through all this
How on earth did it happen, Glynis?
In the middle of hell, how did we manage to find each other?
If we're talking about miracles
What? What is it? Is it another migraine?
Oh, it'll pass if I just rest my eyes for a bit
Yes, or more likely get worse
Let me get you some Paracetamol or something
I could murder some more of that fruit juice
Oh, that's lovely
Thanks
Oh, dear God
Oh, Margaret
Margaret
What can I say?
What can I possibly say?
I was driving too fast
Of course I was
The hospital had rung up that night
to say that Michael might not
And I was just
I mean, I should never have been on the road
I pulled up.
I swear.
I would've gone back, if I hadn't seen your car coming.
What could I do?
I mean, by that time
What could I have done?
And to have to live with all that on top of losing Michael
''Tomorrow, I'll tell her''
Every night, I have prayed to God for the strength, but
I had to find you
You might have needed help, money,
shoulder to cry on
Maybe,
just a friend
I am so sorry
# Well it's all right
# Riding around in the breeze
# Well it's all right
# If you live the life you please
# Well it's all right
# Doing the best you can
# Well it's all right
#As long as you lend a hand
# You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
# Waiting for someone to tell you everything
# Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
# Maybe a diamond ring
# Well it's all right
# Even if they say you're wrong
# Well it's all right
# Sometimes you gotta be strong
# Well it's all right
#As long as you got somewhere to lay
# Well it's all right
# Everyday is Judgement Day
# Maybe somewhere down the road aways
# You'll think of me and wonder where I am these days
# Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays
# Purple haze
# Well it's all right
# Even when push comes to shove
# Well it's all right
# If you got someone to love
# Well it's all right
# Everything'll work out fine
# Well it's all right
# We're going to the end of the line
# Don't have to be ashamed of the car I drive
# I'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive
# It don't matter if you're by my side
# I'm satisfied
# Well it's all right
# Even if you're old and grey
# Well it's all right
# You still got something to say
# Well it's all right
# Remember to live and let live
# Well it's all right
# The best you can do is forgive
# Well it's all right
# Riding around in the breeze
# Well it's all right
# If you live the life you please
# Well it's all right
# Even if the sun don't shine
# Well it's all right
# We're going to the end of the line #