1 00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:58,590 You see, I mean, to me Janice, art, you know - art as...an art, must by its very nature be self-indulgent, right. 2 00:00:59,318 --> 00:01:04,939 I mean as I said to, David Hockney once, 'The inherent element in all artistic projects 3 00:01:05,254 --> 00:01:07,749 should not be one of contemporary mass appeal 4 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:12,188 but rather one of personal symbolism.' Don't you agree Janice? 5 00:01:12,946 --> 00:01:14,373 I dunno Rodney. 6 00:01:15,856 --> 00:01:22,956 Oh well, um, you know that's why I like talking to you, you're one of the few people who seems to understand me. 7 00:01:24,574 --> 00:01:26,327 My brother Don paints you know. 8 00:01:26,535 --> 00:01:28,449 - Really? - Yeah, for the council. 9 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:34,228 No, that is cosmic Janice. No really - no that is cosmic that. 10 00:01:34,699 --> 00:01:38,591 That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art. 11 00:01:39,089 --> 00:01:47,120 I mean, we have an affinity, an aesthetic bond, we are kindred spirits, Janice, seekers of beauty in a broken ugly world. 12 00:01:49,552 --> 00:01:51,506 - Janice? - Yes Rodney. 13 00:01:51,889 --> 00:01:56,103 - Get yer bra off. - I can't. 14 00:01:56,914 --> 00:01:59,496 Well of course you can, you must live and be free! 15 00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:09,003 - I can't Rodney, I'm not wearing one! - Oh, well. 16 00:02:17,402 --> 00:02:18,964 It ain't half dark in here innit. 17 00:02:20,553 --> 00:02:26,815 Oh put him down Janice, put him down, you don't know where he's been...Oh well, what we got going on here. 18 00:02:27,012 --> 00:02:30,858 Oh I'll have to drop off that - thanks. Here, look, we don't want all this rubbish on do we, eh? 19 00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:35,406 That's better. Oi Janice, mind his bruises won't you. 20 00:02:35,595 --> 00:02:36,642 What bruises? 21 00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:44,150 He's covered in 'em, it's where the girls keep on pushing him away with 10ft barge poles. Oh dear, oh dear, that's better. 22 00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:48,192 You're in are you Del? 23 00:02:48,645 --> 00:02:55,073 Yes, yes, I'm in Rodders. Hope you've been behaving yourself, remember what I told you, not to do it on your own doorstep? 24 00:02:55,754 --> 00:02:58,185 We've just been sitting here discussing art that's all. 25 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,778 D'you like art Del? 26 00:03:00,158 --> 00:03:03,365 Oh yeah, Del used to be a cultural adviser to the Chelsea Shed! 27 00:03:03,932 --> 00:03:10,924 Yes, I like art Janice. I like art, I'm a Renaissance man myself. I like them picture where the eyes follow you round the room. 28 00:03:11,236 --> 00:03:17,782 Last week, down the pie and eel shop, Del shook the international art world to it's very foundations by stating, 29 00:03:18,104 --> 00:03:21,261 quite openly, that Michaelangelo was a wally-brain. 30 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:26,459 Well he was a wally-brain weren't he? It took him 12 years to paint one ceiling. 31 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,691 That wouldn't do your brother Donald any good would it Janice, eh? 32 00:03:30,145 --> 00:03:31,840 Well he's on bonus. 33 00:03:33,542 --> 00:03:36,132 I do not believe this, I'm gonna wake up in a minute! 34 00:03:36,486 --> 00:03:38,619 Here, look, I'll tell you another thing while we're on about it an' all. 35 00:03:38,813 --> 00:03:41,452 You know some of these artists you know, they're a bit sick if you ask me. 36 00:03:41,674 --> 00:03:43,022 What are you on about now? 37 00:03:43,193 --> 00:03:49,414 Well look, take a look at this right. Now this is a statuette of the world-famous Venus de Milo, right? 38 00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:57,238 Now who but the sick of mind would do a sculpture of a disabled person? Am I right Janice? 39 00:03:58,090 --> 00:04:00,142 - It's a bit sick innit! - There you are. 40 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,327 It weren't like that originally! 41 00:04:02,704 --> 00:04:05,635 No, no, no, this is the product of a twisted imagination this Rodney. 42 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:09,281 Yeah here, talking of twisted imaginations are you still looking for a job? 43 00:04:09,459 --> 00:04:10,958 What in this country? 44 00:04:11,134 --> 00:04:13,357 There's three million unemployed, what chance has Rodney got? 45 00:04:13,633 --> 00:04:16,901 Well, with his big brother looking after him he's got every chance in the world. 46 00:04:17,075 --> 00:04:20,315 Now take one of your purple hearts Rodney because I've got a surprise for you. 47 00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:25,391 I have managed to secure you for a position with a newly formed security company! 48 00:04:25,555 --> 00:04:30,353 Now they did want a man with previous experience and, as your last job was a milk monitor, 49 00:04:31,075 --> 00:04:36,199 I did have a bit of trouble persuading them but, however, I have managed to swing it for you. 50 00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:37,941 Are you putting me up Del? 51 00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:40,081 No, definitely, I've got a job for you Rodney! 52 00:04:40,773 --> 00:04:42,351 Hey that's great Del! 53 00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:45,708 Yeah, it's alright, you'll start off as a trainee NSO. 54 00:04:45,866 --> 00:04:46,778 No. 55 00:04:46,945 --> 00:04:50,494 Oh yes and who knows my son you know - you know, use your old filbert, keep your nose clean, 56 00:04:50,647 --> 00:04:54,727 a couple of years' time you could you could end up as a, well - I don't know - a senior NSO. 57 00:04:54,897 --> 00:04:59,185 - Oh I will Del, I won't let you down son. - What's an NSO.? 58 00:05:00,193 --> 00:05:04,565 Oh don't be gauche Janice. What's an NSO.? 59 00:05:04,927 --> 00:05:06,805 They don't know they're born some of them do they? 60 00:05:06,962 --> 00:05:11,198 That's right! Tell her what an NSO is Del. 61 00:05:12,689 --> 00:05:16,548 An NSO Janice is a Nocturnal Security Officer. 62 00:05:16,732 --> 00:05:20,939 Yeah see it's a nocturnal security officer. That don't 'arf sound like a night watchman Del! 63 00:05:22,096 --> 00:05:26,880 It's nothing like a nightwatch- man! I mean yeah, yeah, you will have to work at night. 64 00:05:27,949 --> 00:05:30,768 And will some of my duties include 'watching'? 65 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:34,476 No they won't, no I mean all you'll have to do is, you'll just have to - you know, 66 00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:39,043 you just have to well... keep an eye out. 67 00:05:40,444 --> 00:05:43,272 What is the name of this recently formed security company then? 68 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,247 Oh well, you wouldn't have heard of 'em. 69 00:05:45,389 --> 00:05:47,840 Try me Del. Come on, let's have it. 70 00:05:49,594 --> 00:05:52,603 It's called...Trotter Watch! 71 00:05:54,078 --> 00:05:57,534 Trotter Watch, that's you innit? I'm working for you, ain't I? 72 00:05:57,709 --> 00:06:02,964 Yeah, you see the way I see it Rodney is that crime is a growth industry so I'm getting in while the going's good. 73 00:06:03,615 --> 00:06:07,264 It's a nice regular job - got a uniform - good wages. 74 00:06:07,462 --> 00:06:08,405 How good? 75 00:06:08,588 --> 00:06:12,847 We'll talk about that later. First of all let us try on your uniform eh? 76 00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:18,152 Yeah come on, slip into. There it is. Oh look at that, colour suits you don't it, eh? 77 00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:26,464 Yes look at that fit, oh yeah, deja vu, it's like made to measure innit? 78 00:06:26,936 --> 00:06:28,626 Yeah for someone else! 79 00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:34,050 Oh well the sleeves and that - well he'll grow into them. Don't worry about that, hey, let's have a look - that's it. 80 00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,277 - TW. - That's right, stands for Trotter Watch. 81 00:06:38,338 --> 00:06:40,732 Could also stand for Traffic Warden though. 82 00:06:41,036 --> 00:06:43,336 Well - yes it could, Traffic warden yeah. 83 00:06:43,618 --> 00:06:45,422 This is a traffic warden's uniform innit? 84 00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:48,096 It is not a traffic warden's uniform! 85 00:06:48,254 --> 00:06:50,144 You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden! 86 00:06:51,503 --> 00:06:57,533 Look it is once and for all not a traffic warden's uniform! Now just trust me will you...Put your cap on. 87 00:07:01,372 --> 00:07:05,749 I look like a traffic warden. I look like a traffic warden who hasn't been well! 88 00:07:07,113 --> 00:07:13,872 No you don't, you look stunning Rodders. Oh yeah, look at that, you're emitting authority all over the place. 89 00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:16,106 I'm not doing it Del. I don't want the job. 90 00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:19,671 Oh no, come on Rodney, you've got to do it, you can't let me down, I gave then your word. 91 00:07:19,844 --> 00:07:20,797 Gave who my word? 92 00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:24,598 The people down at the Tyler Street bus and coach garage. That's where you're gonna be based. 93 00:07:24,772 --> 00:07:26,567 No I'm definitely not doing it Del. 94 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:35,435 Oh alright, yeah okay. Well of course if you're scared! You could admit it, come on. Allemagne dix points, 95 00:07:36,849 --> 00:07:38,885 Janice'll understand if yer bottle has gone. 96 00:07:40,875 --> 00:07:44,032 Me scared? You must be joking! 97 00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:50,660 Ah, that's the spirit, now I want you down there tomorrow night nine o' clock. I'm a stickler for punctuality right. 98 00:07:51,445 --> 00:07:53,266 Right then, I'm going to bed. 99 00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:56,194 By the way, excuse me a minute Janice, 100 00:07:57,461 --> 00:08:00,010 Your bondage robes there're in the garage - alright? 101 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:05,570 And Grandad has washed your whip and he's put it in the airing cupboard. I don't think it's shrunk. 102 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:12,245 Well I'll leave you two love birds alone. And shall I just say 'Buenos Aires'. its. 103 00:08:15,056 --> 00:08:18,021 Janice he was only... 104 00:08:20,184 --> 00:08:22,166 You rotten git Del! 105 00:08:28,571 --> 00:08:30,946 Well I'll leave it in your capable hands then Rodders. 106 00:08:31,352 --> 00:08:35,078 Yeah cheers Del...you realise this job's gonna mess up my love-life don't you! 107 00:08:36,358 --> 00:08:38,379 Yeah, that's why I'm giving you every second Sunday off, ain't I? 108 00:08:38,544 --> 00:08:40,888 Yeah but Janice is hardly gonna be happy with that is she? 109 00:08:41,215 --> 00:08:44,307 I mean while I'm down here at nights she could be going out with someone else. 110 00:08:44,509 --> 00:08:48,764 Now don't worry about that.What d'you think I'm all dressed up for like this,eh? 111 00:08:50,591 --> 00:08:52,274 I'm taking Janice out for a meal. 112 00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:53,921 You're taking Janice out? 113 00:08:54,078 --> 00:08:58,332 Of course I am, for your sake, otherwise she might be going out with somebody else! 114 00:09:02,937 --> 00:09:08,335 - Yeah, cheers Del. But if she's... - Why are you wearing plimsoles? 115 00:09:09,546 --> 00:09:10,336 What? 116 00:09:10,497 --> 00:09:17,695 I said, why are you wearing plimsoles, don't you think they mar the overall symmetry of the uniform somewhat? 117 00:09:18,136 --> 00:09:20,721 - I can run faster in these... - You what? 118 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,996 I mean give chase you know... pursue and detain sort of! 119 00:09:24,527 --> 00:09:29,331 No, nothing happens round here. It's as quiet as a grave. 120 00:09:31,098 --> 00:09:34,639 Well I'll see you in the morning then Rodders, take care now! 121 00:09:36,312 --> 00:09:40,732 Yeah, don't worry about me Del, I'll be alright. 122 00:10:36,326 --> 00:10:41,624 Ah, here you are Grandad, there you go. Look at that. Look at that, eh? It's beautiful innit? Beautiful. 123 00:10:42,157 --> 00:10:44,380 It's gonna earn our fortunes this is Grandad! 124 00:10:44,814 --> 00:10:46,677 Come on Rodney it's ten to nine. 125 00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:51,217 I used to be a security officer you know, before the war. 126 00:10:51,763 --> 00:10:54,731 Blimey, do you mean to say that somebody actually trusted you with their property? 127 00:10:55,008 --> 00:11:02,228 It's like trusting a piranha fish with yer finger - or worse. 128 00:11:04,179 --> 00:11:11,552 Oh yeah, it was a big warehouse over Kilburn way, stocked everything from bedroom suites to kiddies' toys. 129 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:18,375 Well, there was this fella used to work there, he used to arrive every morning in a big Wolseley car, 130 00:11:18,617 --> 00:11:26,956 he wore a camel-hair overcoat, kid gloves and he always carried a brand-new leather attache case 131 00:11:27,211 --> 00:11:36,488 and he smoked expensive cigars. Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him. 132 00:11:37,085 --> 00:11:40,927 - Yeah, why? - Well he was only a sweeper-up! 133 00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:46,066 Cor, how do you do it Holmes? 134 00:11:47,577 --> 00:11:56,094 Anyhow, one night he was leaving I stopped him and I searched his attache case. It was empty. 135 00:11:57,026 --> 00:12:02,118 Still, unperturbed by this minor hiccup in my investigation. 136 00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:08,988 I stopped him and searched his attache case every night for a whole year. Then he left. 137 00:12:10,765 --> 00:12:12,127 I wonder why? 138 00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:21,426 I don't remember. I think he claimed someone was victimizing him. No unions in them days see. 139 00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,740 No, well that is it - innit, eh? 140 00:12:25,382 --> 00:12:30,911 Anyway, a couple of weeks after he left the auditors come. D' you know what they discovered? 141 00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:36,470 We was missing 348 attache cases! 142 00:12:38,028 --> 00:12:41,691 What do you mean you had been searching stolen gear? 143 00:12:41,891 --> 00:12:53,380 Yeah and I got done for it. Finger-prints. There's a moral to that story Del Boy but for the life of me I can't find it. 144 00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,638 I don't think I'm even gonna bother to look either Grandad. 145 00:12:57,537 --> 00:13:00,315 Hello the son of the bride of Dracula. Here he is. 146 00:13:00,969 --> 00:13:03,388 - What time is it? - The time is nearly nine o' clock. 147 00:13:03,703 --> 00:13:06,858 Nine? I'm gonna be late if I don't get a move on. 148 00:13:07,027 --> 00:13:10,685 No, no, it's alright. There's no hurry, go on, sit down. Take it easy, that's it, go on. 149 00:13:11,012 --> 00:13:12,309 Let me get you a cup of tea, alright? 150 00:13:12,564 --> 00:13:14,042 - Oh yeah. - Here you go then. 151 00:13:14,201 --> 00:13:15,629 Are you still taking my part with Janice? 152 00:13:15,807 --> 00:13:18,240 Yes, don't worry, I won't let you down. 153 00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:20,192 Oh cheers Del...How am I doing? 154 00:13:20,354 --> 00:13:25,779 Very well, very well. Yes one more steak meal could crack it. 155 00:13:26,116 --> 00:13:29,141 Yeah? I haven't done this well with a girl for a long time. 156 00:13:29,722 --> 00:13:34,520 You're like me Rodney, I never ever found it easy to get girlfriends. 157 00:13:35,683 --> 00:13:37,083 I wonder why. 158 00:13:37,456 --> 00:13:40,288 Here it's still light out. It's broad daylight! 159 00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:42,930 Yeah, of course it would be wouldn't it, nine o' clock in the morning, what do you expect? 160 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:47,758 Nine o' clock in the morning? I thought it would be nine at night. I've only been in bed 20 minutes! 161 00:13:48,221 --> 00:13:49,570 What d'you wake me for? 162 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:53,901 Sit down. Sit down. It's alright, alright, don't exaggerate, 20 minutes. 163 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,742 Listen, I want to discuss something very important with you see. 164 00:13:56,930 --> 00:14:00,215 What could be that important, eh? I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we? 165 00:14:01,155 --> 00:14:07,896 Don't be silly, least I hope not. I want to talk to you see. No, listen now, 166 00:14:08,134 --> 00:14:13,097 this night security job of yours is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme. 167 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,493 What immaculate scheme? 168 00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:20,202 The Tourist Trade Rodney. The Tourist Trade. Did you realise that over 2,000 are pouring into London every day? 169 00:14:20,397 --> 00:14:26,048 And I happen to know, despite the fact that tourism has never been so high, the coach party trade is falling off. 170 00:14:26,222 --> 00:14:31,480 Now, why you may ask, is that Del? Well, since you ask, I will tell you Rodney. 171 00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:35,185 The reason is yer average tourist gets fed up, don't he, of seeing the old places. 172 00:14:35,339 --> 00:14:43,230 Like the Houses of Parliament, Buck House, the National Gallery. Once you've seen one Rubens, you've seen them all. 173 00:14:43,913 --> 00:14:46,974 Now this is where a dynamic person like me steps in. 174 00:14:47,113 --> 00:14:49,365 Wake up while your brother's being dynamic! 175 00:14:49,527 --> 00:14:50,783 So, go on. 176 00:14:50,948 --> 00:14:57,721 Yeah, right, you see out there Rodney, out there is a new vibrant exciting London waiting to be discovered. 177 00:14:57,903 --> 00:15:01,723 - Is there? - Yeah of course there is. Ethnic London. 178 00:15:02,036 --> 00:15:03,755 Ethnic London? 179 00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:08,448 Yeah, yes, you know all those romantic places that you've heard about in fairy tales. 180 00:15:09,282 --> 00:15:16,092 You know the Lee Valley Viaduct, the glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk, 181 00:15:16,538 --> 00:15:21,859 the excitement of a walk about in Croydon, yeah, look what I've had printed. 182 00:15:23,147 --> 00:15:29,994 Oh I don't believe this. Trotter's Ethnic Tours. What's all this squiggly stuff and the Chinese? 183 00:15:30,204 --> 00:15:33,300 The squiggly stuff - the squiggly - that is Arabic and the Chinese is Japanese. 184 00:15:33,652 --> 00:15:40,145 It's a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad, so we've got to speak the lingo, ain't we? 185 00:15:40,327 --> 00:15:40,830 We? 186 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:47,937 French I like it. Already you're picking up the lingo. It's what I call enthusiasm Rodney. 187 00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:51,723 I weren't speaking French Del, I meant what do you mean 'we'? 188 00:15:51,939 --> 00:15:55,474 We, us - you know, us - here you know - 'cos it's a family enterprise innit. 189 00:15:55,724 --> 00:16:01,904 Grandad, he'll sell the programmes, I shall be the courier and you, Rodney, you have got the best job of all 190 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:10,859 'cos you will drive the bus, hold tight everybody Rodney's coming, eh? It'll be another wage Rodney. 191 00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,464 I've already got a wage Del. 192 00:16:12,678 --> 00:16:14,886 Yeah but you can't afford to live on what I pay you, can you! 193 00:16:15,097 --> 00:16:16,688 I don't know Del, how much you paying me? 194 00:16:16,828 --> 00:16:24,797 Well not a lot, not a lot. You see I can't afford to. See, well I, I done a deal with the bus garage, 195 00:16:25,613 --> 00:16:30,411 what happened was I provided them with a nightwatchm...a nocturnal security operative, see, 196 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:35,394 and they provided me with an open- topped bus. That saves the exchange of any cash. 197 00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,704 - You know, stops any paperwork and... - And income tax? 198 00:16:37,870 --> 00:16:45,258 Income tax yeah. Well, come on, what about it Rodney, a lot of work and effort's gone into this enterprise. 199 00:16:46,633 --> 00:16:49,770 I mean, Grandad, he was up town this morning at the crack of dawn 200 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:54,328 distributing all those leaflets to every hotel, boarding house and hostel he could find. 201 00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:58,554 Grandad, he believes in this scheme, don't you Grandad? 202 00:16:59,125 --> 00:17:02,335 Ethnic tours, it's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard of. 203 00:17:02,498 --> 00:17:03,614 See. 204 00:17:04,777 --> 00:17:10,748 Del you can't expect me to work all night then, in the morning, drive a bus load of tourists round ethnic London? 205 00:17:10,982 --> 00:17:14,736 I've got to sleep Del. My whole body is crying out for sleep. 206 00:17:15,741 --> 00:17:22,009 Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll get you some assistance at the garage then you can have a kip, 207 00:17:22,326 --> 00:17:27,005 - I'll get you an ex-police dog. - An ex-police dog? 208 00:17:27,178 --> 00:17:30,989 - Yeah, now do you fancy some breakfast? - I wouldn't say no. 209 00:17:31,237 --> 00:17:34,541 Good, great, come on then, off you go, there you go - in there. 210 00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:37,100 While you're in there make me a bacon sandwich, alright? 211 00:17:38,939 --> 00:17:41,459 Where are you gonna get an ex- police dog from? 212 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:46,691 - I'll get him - I'll get him Nero. - Who's Nero? 213 00:17:47,072 --> 00:17:49,640 Nero, Janice's corgi! 214 00:18:12,306 --> 00:18:19,012 We clearly stated on our leaflets nine o' clock was departure time. Here we are eleven-thirty , no sign of 'em! 215 00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:22,243 I've told you before no one will turn up. 216 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:27,498 Yes they will, soon as the word spreads about a bit, they'll be here in droves. 217 00:18:27,958 --> 00:18:31,977 No the only thing that worries me is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough? 218 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,445 Perhaps we should have had two, you know maybe three. 219 00:18:34,596 --> 00:18:38,109 - A tandem would be too big. - Leave it out will you. 220 00:18:38,564 --> 00:18:42,196 I'll bet not one single tourist arrives. 221 00:18:43,268 --> 00:18:47,836 - I'll bet you, 50 quid they do. - Right, 50 quid, you're on. 222 00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:49,366 - Right then. - Alright. 223 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:50,672 - Right. - Right. 224 00:18:52,163 --> 00:18:58,320 Shut up you two will yer. I didn't get a wink of sleep last night taking that rotten dog for walkies... 225 00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:04,224 and what 'ave yer. That's a funny kind of police dog that Del, it saw a cat and run a mile. 226 00:19:05,431 --> 00:19:10,916 Ah well, cats aren't Nero's strong point. But show him a burglar and it becomes a tower of strength. 227 00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:16,781 Where's all the tourists then? I thought we'd be having an ethnic look round Chingford by now. 228 00:19:18,689 --> 00:19:21,144 Don't worry, they'll be here. 229 00:19:21,389 --> 00:19:22,612 Shut up you... 230 00:19:24,241 --> 00:19:25,995 How much you charging them for his tour then? 231 00:19:27,382 --> 00:19:31,995 - 17 quid each. - 17 pounds for a walk-about in Croydon? 232 00:19:32,233 --> 00:19:35,825 Well that includes lunch don't it. Traditional British flare... 233 00:19:36,870 --> 00:19:38,675 ...doner kebab, something like that. 234 00:19:39,105 --> 00:19:41,644 A doner kebab. For 17 nicker I'd want Donna Summer. 235 00:19:42,116 --> 00:19:46,933 You would wouldn't you, you tight wad. No, these tourists, they don't mind splashing out, 236 00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:49,150 providing they're getting value for money. 237 00:19:49,705 --> 00:19:54,057 Now look at that, they'll snap these souvenirs of Olde London up they will. 238 00:19:55,881 --> 00:19:59,252 That's a snip that is at a fiver a go, almost alabaster, you know. 239 00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:04,557 You're going to sell 'em models of a Greek statue now housed in the Louvre gallery Paris 240 00:20:04,732 --> 00:20:08,592 for souvenirs of Olde London? It's the Venus de Milo, Del. 241 00:20:09,939 --> 00:20:12,881 No, that is Boadicea that is innit? 242 00:20:13,052 --> 00:20:17,244 Boadicea rode round in a chariot with big swords sticking out the wheels. 243 00:20:17,378 --> 00:20:19,384 Alright, so she fell off her chariot. 244 00:20:20,839 --> 00:20:22,427 You're just trying to rip 'em off, aren't you? 245 00:20:22,850 --> 00:20:29,138 Au contraire Rodney, au contraire. No, I don't want to leave them potless. 246 00:20:29,335 --> 00:20:32,526 I want them to have some money in their pockets, at least enough for us to have a tip. 247 00:20:33,562 --> 00:20:38,703 As a courier what do you actually know about these places you intend to drag 'em to? 248 00:20:41,519 --> 00:20:46,040 Know? Nothing, which means twice as much as they know. Don't worry, I shall bluff 'em Rodney. 249 00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:50,425 I shall use the old spiel. If there're questions that I find a bit dodgy to answer, 250 00:20:50,563 --> 00:20:55,815 I shall just say I can't understand their English. Don't worry, it'll be a doddle. 251 00:20:59,072 --> 00:21:05,348 I mean, today I shall take 'em down Shoreditch and show 'em the house where Sherlock Holmes was born. 252 00:21:06,094 --> 00:21:08,055 Sherlock Holmes was fictional. 253 00:21:08,253 --> 00:21:11,955 Was he? Oh well, I'll just say his house was blown up during the war. 254 00:21:12,596 --> 00:21:16,114 Tomorrow I shall take them to the summit of Mount Pleasant. 255 00:21:16,670 --> 00:21:19,045 The summit of Mount Pleasant! 256 00:21:19,461 --> 00:21:21,813 What's the matter with you Grandad, can't you stand heights or something. 257 00:21:22,179 --> 00:21:28,122 Mount Pleasant hasn't got a summit. All it's got is a big post office sorting depot. 258 00:21:29,523 --> 00:21:33,479 Well that's ethnic innit, eh? We can give 'em a guided tour of the depot, 259 00:21:33,802 --> 00:21:39,470 you know show 'em the workers getting the most from our post. I should stay awake if I was you. 260 00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:41,924 They'll be here in their hundreds in a minute. 261 00:21:48,130 --> 00:21:52,342 I'll take 'em over to North London, you know, show 'em where Jack the Ripper was buried. 262 00:21:53,006 --> 00:21:55,257 Nobody knows where Jack the Ripper was buried. 263 00:21:55,524 --> 00:21:57,419 Then they cannot prove me wrong, can they? 264 00:22:00,748 --> 00:22:02,703 Shall we give 'em another five minutes then go Del 265 00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:07,356 Yeah, alright. Take the bus back to the garage then you can begin your night shift, alright? 266 00:22:08,659 --> 00:22:10,553 I want you back first thing in the morning though. 267 00:22:11,114 --> 00:22:15,640 And don't forget to take Nero out so that he can do his business, alright? 268 00:22:28,628 --> 00:22:35,530 A pint of lager Rodney, they'd sold right out of Pina Coladas Del, so I got you a Mackeson instead. 269 00:22:37,239 --> 00:22:40,128 Oh that's good thinking yes, thank you Grandad. 270 00:22:43,448 --> 00:22:46,247 What are you going to do if the tourists start asking about the history of the places. 271 00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:49,658 I mean, say one of them wants to know how the Elephant and Castle got it's name. 272 00:22:50,788 --> 00:22:58,901 Well I'll just say...er, once upon a time Richard the Lionheart or Coeur de Lion as the French used to call him - 273 00:22:59,095 --> 00:23:04,077 which he did not like one little bit - see where a little bit of intimate knowledge goes a long way 274 00:23:04,260 --> 00:23:08,755 in impressing people. Well, I'll say that he had a castle situated roughly near the roundabout. 275 00:23:10,191 --> 00:23:11,635 And what about the 'elephant' bit? 276 00:23:12,635 --> 00:23:21,495 I'll say er, Hannibal and his elephants lay siege to the castle and Bob's yer uncle. 277 00:23:22,011 --> 00:23:23,374 But Hannibal crossed the Alps. 278 00:23:24,618 --> 00:23:31,891 I know, on his way to the castles, and the natives who had never seen an elephant, they were sorely afraid. 279 00:23:32,478 --> 00:23:37,489 And that is how it became known in that area as the Elephant and Castle. 280 00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:43,771 If they'd never seen an elephant before how did they know it was an elephant? 281 00:23:46,249 --> 00:23:51,068 For Gawd sake Grandad, a elephant's a bloody elephant, innit? I mean you can't odds that! 282 00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:56,217 I mean, you can't look at an elephant and say, I know we'll call this place the Cow and Castle, you can't do that can you? 283 00:23:57,463 --> 00:23:59,254 But you're not telling them the truth are you? 284 00:23:59,474 --> 00:24:08,029 The truth? The truth, you're so naive, Rodders. The truth is only relative to what you can earn from a lie! Einstein. 285 00:24:08,437 --> 00:24:14,708 I'll tell you one truth that you won't earn a brass farthing out of. No one's gonna turn up. 286 00:24:14,893 --> 00:24:19,677 They will turn up. They've got to... This time next year we'll be millionaires. 287 00:24:22,844 --> 00:24:25,460 You said that this time last year! 288 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,977 You're eating, ain't yer? 289 00:24:32,048 --> 00:24:37,100 No. I wanted to do this for years Rodney. I always thought if we could make a success of it, 290 00:24:37,764 --> 00:24:43,192 that eventually we would go legit. You know, we would register the name Trotters Independent Traders 291 00:24:43,604 --> 00:24:52,770 as a proper McCoy company. I have this dream where you and I own this skyscraper office block 292 00:24:52,952 --> 00:24:59,174 on the South Bank. And we're standing on the balcony in a penthouse suite with a couple of sorts, 293 00:25:00,490 --> 00:25:06,881 Gabrielle, Bianca, bra-less but with class 294 00:25:07,858 --> 00:25:10,730 - here did you know your Janice doesn't wear a bra. - Yeah, I know. 295 00:25:10,896 --> 00:25:16,192 Oh you know. Anyway we're in our penthouse full of rubber plants and pine tongue and groove - 296 00:25:16,378 --> 00:25:25,183 and we're sipping red drinks. And above us on top of this skyscraper in 50ft neon high lettering 297 00:25:25,351 --> 00:25:31,433 are the initials of Trotters Independent Traders! Good innit, eh? 298 00:25:32,554 --> 00:25:33,655 Triffic Del. 299 00:25:34,682 --> 00:25:40,867 They've got to come. My dream starts the way every success starts, with a big rip-off. 300 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,682 Del. Grandad's right, no-ones gonna turn up. 301 00:25:44,892 --> 00:25:46,573 Yes they will, you wait and see. 302 00:25:48,586 --> 00:25:51,275 I think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message. 303 00:25:51,757 --> 00:25:53,682 Yeah, you what? 304 00:25:53,826 --> 00:25:59,493 A sort of subconscious truth. You see this skyscraper belonging to Trotters Independent Traders right! 305 00:26:01,227 --> 00:26:05,216 And on the roof is the company's initials and you're standing on the penthouse balcony? 306 00:26:06,512 --> 00:26:11,457 Well don't you see what the dream's trying to tell you? As you're standing on that balcony with your red drink - 307 00:26:11,999 --> 00:26:18,704 just above your head, in 50ft- high neon lettering, is the word 'TIT'. 308 00:26:28,278 --> 00:26:29,749 Come on, let's call it a day. 309 00:26:35,756 --> 00:26:38,102 You owe me 50 quid on that bet! 310 00:26:39,465 --> 00:26:43,889 Alright you old pessimist! 311 00:27:02,625 --> 00:27:08,025 - What about our wages then Del? - Oh yeah, I meant to talk to you about that! 312 00:27:30,516 --> 00:27:35,106 I thought that was going to be the big one Rodney. I thought I was gonna become the Freddie Laker of the highways. 313 00:27:35,965 --> 00:27:36,952 It was a nice try Del. 314 00:27:37,957 --> 00:27:40,457 Yeah, I don't understand it though, I just don't understand it. 315 00:27:40,694 --> 00:27:45,610 Grandad distributed a thousand leaflets, a thousand. You'd have thought that one, just one punter 316 00:27:45,813 --> 00:27:51,195 might have been interested. Still, as dear old Mum used to say 317 00:27:51,820 --> 00:27:55,340 'Its better to know you've lost than not to know you've won'. 318 00:27:56,954 --> 00:28:00,825 Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things... 319 00:28:02,411 --> 00:28:04,010 I'm gonna chuck this down the chute. 320 00:28:09,883 --> 00:28:15,540 Well that weren't too bad was it Rodney? I've had two days away from the housework, 321 00:28:15,979 --> 00:28:26,884 a nice little drink and I've won meself a 50 quid bet. Very nice, very nice indeed... Where's Del Boy? 322 00:28:27,180 --> 00:28:29,683 Oh he's just gone to chuck that sign down the dust chute. 323 00:28:31,415 --> 00:28:35,134 The dust chute? Oh my Gawd! 324 00:28:35,716 --> 00:28:43,450 Grandad! Come here, you senile old parasite. 325 00:28:43,722 --> 00:28:47,108 It wasn't me Del, it was me brain! 326 00:28:47,344 --> 00:28:54,031 It was your - I'll brain you if I catch up with you. Come here. Get him! Oi!