1 00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:49,351 Oh yeah! 2 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:54,061 Hey Grandad. You wanna see this book Mickey Pearce lent me! 3 00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:59,258 It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking! 4 00:00:59,636 --> 00:01:01,773 They can't set their brothers on you or nothing! 5 00:01:02,925 --> 00:01:06,676 D'you like your baked potatoes really well done Rodney? 6 00:01:07,474 --> 00:01:10,660 - Have I got a choice? - Well, not really! 7 00:01:11,511 --> 00:01:16,760 Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad! I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes. 8 00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:20,234 Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then. 9 00:01:24,172 --> 00:01:25,920 Body language? 10 00:01:26,168 --> 00:01:29,244 Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad, you'd need an interpreter! 11 00:01:31,546 --> 00:01:36,111 - Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet? - Coming along nicely Del Boy. 12 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,516 Good good!...'ang on 'ere y' are. 13 00:01:39,773 --> 00:01:42,302 There's a score for yer, little Christmas pressie. 14 00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:48,119 Oh cheers Del, very nice of you. I didn't get you nothing, 15 00:01:48,464 --> 00:01:52,376 I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian Festival. 16 00:01:54,640 --> 00:02:01,218 I don't believe that! He actually took me money then gave me a rollocking! It's like being mugged by a magistrate! 17 00:02:02,382 --> 00:02:04,582 Oh, and Merry Christmas. 18 00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:08,509 Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree an' all you saucy old git! 19 00:02:08,912 --> 00:02:15,034 What happened to you today then? I thought I'd see you down the Nag's for a preluncheon aperitif 20 00:02:15,816 --> 00:02:20,912 and some light conversation with your little head bangers! 21 00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:26,305 No my stomach is a bit dicey. Sort of burning pains! 22 00:02:26,944 --> 00:02:29,397 That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo won't it? 23 00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:36,619 This is psychosomatic mate. This is me brain sending messages to me belly warning it 24 00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:42,848 that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner'll be on it's way down soon! Have a butchers in that kitchen Del! 25 00:02:43,148 --> 00:02:49,539 It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible! He's got baked potatoes that look more like lumps of anthracite! 26 00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:56,096 There's green stuff out there - I don't know what it is Del, I was gonna ask then I thought I'd wait till you got in! 27 00:02:56,446 --> 00:02:58,122 Why do you let him do it Del? 28 00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,908 Well it's a tradition innit? He's been cooking Christmas dinner ever since Mum went! 29 00:03:02,325 --> 00:03:04,676 Yeah and he's been cooking it up ever since Mum went! 30 00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:08,492 What do you want, a sacre-bleu chef or something? 31 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:13,763 I mean I don't fancy it any more than you do Rodders, but what can we do? 32 00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:18,212 Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians, then we won't have to eat his turkey! 33 00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:23,146 Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodney! If we pretend we're vegetarians 34 00:03:23,353 --> 00:03:26,193 we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and green stuff! 35 00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:30,375 Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike - some kind of humanitarian grounds! 36 00:03:30,729 --> 00:03:35,792 Leave it out will yer. I remember the lasy time you went on hunger strike 37 00:03:35,993 --> 00:03:40,591 over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain. 38 00:03:40,931 --> 00:03:43,607 You said that you were gonna starve yourself until the missiles were moved. 39 00:03:43,969 --> 00:03:44,468 So? 40 00:03:44,773 --> 00:03:50,672 So that was eight months ago! The missiles are still here but what's more to the point so are you! 41 00:03:52,353 --> 00:03:55,058 You went one and 'arf days on hunger strike then sent out for a curry! 42 00:03:55,264 --> 00:03:56,280 Well I was starving! 43 00:03:56,444 --> 00:04:08,066 That's the idea of it, you plonker! Grandad'll never wear that! Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner 44 00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:14,529 has become Grandad's purpose in life. All year long he sits in that chair watching the tellies 45 00:04:14,703 --> 00:04:17,956 like an unoiled redundant cog. 46 00:04:18,907 --> 00:04:21,990 But come Christmas time he knows that he can whir into action. 47 00:04:22,451 --> 00:04:27,757 It's his role within the family circle. It makes him feel that he still has an important part to play, 48 00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:33,850 y'know that he's still needed! You don't want to take that away from him do you? 49 00:04:34,010 --> 00:04:35,060 All for the sake of a little bit of... 50 00:04:35,225 --> 00:04:38,488 Botulism!! No, alright Del! 51 00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:43,571 Why don't you do what I do? Just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England! 52 00:04:45,684 --> 00:04:50,588 Anyway, for all we know this year it may turn out to be a gourmets' dream! 53 00:04:51,075 --> 00:04:54,101 I'll just strain the gravy then I'll give it up! 54 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,559 We'll have get a plug put on this thing Rodney! 55 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,377 Alright, alright I'll have some wine please Rodney. 56 00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:29,244 - D'you want some gravy Del? - No thanks Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine. 57 00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:50,785 Oh bain marie, bain marie! I will say this for those old Frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine! 58 00:05:52,588 --> 00:05:57,379 That shiyster down at the off-licence only tried to palm me off with table wine!... 59 00:05:58,411 --> 00:06:00,607 Must have thought I was a Philistine or something. 60 00:06:02,281 --> 00:06:08,673 Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish. I said 'Oi John. I don't want none of yer table wine. 61 00:06:09,386 --> 00:06:13,427 I said get down that cellar and you get me out a bottle of Vin Ordinaire!'... 62 00:06:26,764 --> 00:06:32,127 Hmmm, not bad Grandad, slightly underdone maybe. 63 00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:36,513 Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey! 64 00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:41,380 - That's enough Rodney! - How's yer guts now Rodney? 65 00:06:43,092 --> 00:06:45,374 Not too bad now Grandad, thank you very much! 66 00:06:47,183 --> 00:06:50,305 - Hope he ain't got worms! - He's doing this on purpose! 67 00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:56,131 Now come on you two. This is the dinner table I mean worms and all that! 68 00:06:56,746 --> 00:06:59,652 Rodney's got a burning sensation in his stomach ain't you Rodney? 69 00:07:01,578 --> 00:07:03,007 Maybe they're glow worms! 70 00:07:06,062 --> 00:07:08,748 Oi oi oi! What's your game? 71 00:07:08,951 --> 00:07:10,458 Well do you think we could change the subject? 72 00:07:10,635 --> 00:07:13,900 Alright alright. There's no need to get overwrought! 73 00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:22,925 This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney? 74 00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:24,386 Triffic! 75 00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:28,815 Who's Brenda and Terry? 76 00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:32,725 Who's Brenda and Terry? 77 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:33,474 Who's Brenda and Terry? 78 00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:35,613 Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney? 79 00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,005 I don't know! 80 00:07:37,193 --> 00:07:38,893 What are you on about you old div? 81 00:07:39,934 --> 00:07:46,899 We got a Christmas card from 'em. It said love from Brenda and Terry and the kids Shirley, Shane and Shaun. 82 00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:51,150 - Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda and Terry! - I know! But who is Brenda and Terry? 83 00:07:51,934 --> 00:07:53,966 It's Shirley, Shane and Shaun's mum and dad innit? 84 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,957 Oh! Did we send them one back? 85 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,703 How could we send them one back? Who don't even know who they are let alone where they live! 86 00:08:02,452 --> 00:08:05,766 Just as well with them rotten Christmas cards you bought. 87 00:08:05,951 --> 00:08:10,470 There was nothing wrong with them cards! You didn't like them 'cause they came from a charity organization! 88 00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:15,068 Now that is not fair Rodney. Nobody like a good cause better than me do they Grandad? 89 00:08:15,445 --> 00:08:20,498 It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose. 90 00:08:20,986 --> 00:08:23,819 What do you mean got to be careful about which charity you choose? 91 00:08:24,344 --> 00:08:31,291 Well some of them cards might offend our neighbours and friends. It says Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad, 92 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,828 and all the gang at the Deptford drug-addiction centre! 93 00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:39,092 And with all the cuts we've had in social services you don't think that's a good cause? 94 00:08:39,329 --> 00:08:43,120 I'm not saying it's not a good cause Rodney! All I'm saying is that at Christmas time people prefer 95 00:08:43,342 --> 00:08:49,297 a traditional Christmas card, you know with a nice wintery scene - a snowman, a little robin redbreast - 96 00:08:49,631 --> 00:08:53,387 not a sprig of holly and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe! 97 00:08:54,494 --> 00:08:56,285 You do me right up sometimes Del! 98 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,157 I don't know why they want these drug-addiction centres. 99 00:08:59,996 --> 00:09:04,050 I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them? 100 00:09:07,972 --> 00:09:15,356 No Grandad! They're not training centres! Oh God, I give up! Can we change the subject again? 101 00:09:15,643 --> 00:09:18,592 Stroll on Rodney, we're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind! 102 00:09:23,088 --> 00:09:25,095 You didn't throw the giblets away did you? 103 00:09:26,869 --> 00:09:31,536 I only asked because I promised them to the old girl down stairs for her cat! 104 00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:36,963 There weren't any giblets in it Del. It was ready-cleaned, said so on the box. 105 00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:42,322 Yeah I know it was ready- cleaned Grandad, but they put the giblets in a plastic bag then put it back in the turkey. 106 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,401 - Do they? - Yeah. 107 00:09:49,903 --> 00:09:54,451 - You took the bag out didn't you? - I didn't know it was in there Del! 108 00:09:54,675 --> 00:09:55,936 Oh my Gawd! 109 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,866 You mean he's cooked it with everything still in it? 110 00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:04,473 Oh my good God, it's like peering into the jaws of hell! 111 00:10:05,644 --> 00:10:09,560 Didn't you at any time notice it? Like for instance when you were putting in the stuffing in? 112 00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:11,207 There's stuffing in there as well?? 113 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,867 Oh it's everything in here Rodney. 114 00:10:13,784 --> 00:10:20,743 Sage and onion, molten plastic and...things! It's like an Irish night in a delicatessen! 115 00:10:22,075 --> 00:10:24,841 I just didn’t' know it was in there Del Boy! 116 00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:35,557 Alright Grandad, don't get overwrought, it's over and done with innit eh? Don't upset yourself, 117 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,171 As the French say, it's a fait acomplan 118 00:10:50,506 --> 00:10:52,227 What about the old afters eh? 119 00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:53,519 I'll go'n get it. 120 00:11:08,018 --> 00:11:11,627 Don't worry! Cause custard is his forte! 121 00:11:18,085 --> 00:11:21,839 D'you like your Christmas pudding really well done? 122 00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,403 Sorry! 123 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:32,233 - I don't like circuses! - What? 124 00:12:33,029 --> 00:12:35,186 - I don't like circuses! - Oh! 125 00:12:36,826 --> 00:12:39,086 - I never have liked 'em! - Triffic! 126 00:12:41,205 --> 00:12:43,172 Never will like 'em - Circuses. 127 00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:45,738 Alright you've made your point Rodney! Why don't you switch over? 128 00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,893 There's one on the other side! 129 00:12:56,123 --> 00:13:01,814 Is there? It's a pity you don’t like 'em or you could be having a whale of a time couldn't yer? 130 00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,502 Now put a sock in it for 'arf hour or so will you? 131 00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:16,032 It's good living in a tower block annit Del? 132 00:13:16,206 --> 00:13:18,550 Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing. 133 00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:24,481 Look at that view eh? On a clear day you can see...the ground. 134 00:13:27,861 --> 00:13:33,826 Boring Boring Boring Boring 135 00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:45,677 I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!! 136 00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:50,131 Well nothing's open out there and I'm bored! 137 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:57,594 Hang about and I'll get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras. Everyone's bored! 138 00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:01,853 Christmas is a religious festival, it's meant to be boring! 139 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:07,228 I thought we we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord! A time of great joy! 140 00:14:07,692 --> 00:14:12,199 It's a time of great joy and that's why everything's closed! Everyone's at home enjoying themselves! 141 00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:16,259 - Enjoying themselves? - Where's me nuts. 142 00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:25,640 Just take a look at it out there, Del. It's like a neutron bomb's hit it 143 00:14:26,097 --> 00:14:34,139 the buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life! No, the British nation have forgotten how to enjoy itself! 144 00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:40,214 We're all charging toward the cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of... 145 00:14:41,868 --> 00:14:43,610 What's them things that commit suicide all the time? 146 00:14:43,992 --> 00:14:45,759 Japanese! 147 00:14:46,931 --> 00:14:52,689 No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings! Let's go out somewhere Del. 148 00:14:53,012 --> 00:14:55,024 There's bound to be a pub or a club open somewhere! 149 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,638 It's Christmas night Rodney! 150 00:14:58,536 --> 00:15:02,328 The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is open! There again it's a bit rough! 151 00:15:02,504 --> 00:15:08,052 Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer and burping! You great big tart you! 152 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:13,327 Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo. A few birds get down there, we might be able to pull a couple! 153 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:16,815 - I don't want to go out Rodney! - You're boring as well! 154 00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:19,103 You're hardly a go on the big dipper yourself Rodney! 155 00:15:19,305 --> 00:15:20,751 Well why don't you want to go out?? 156 00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:25,521 I'll tell you why shall I? It may have slipped your notice but there are three people living in this flat. 157 00:15:25,777 --> 00:15:31,404 You, me and that scruffy little old man who does funny things to turkeys. Namely our Grandfather! 158 00:15:32,013 --> 00:15:36,121 Now you're not seriously suggesting that we just push off out of it and leave him here on his own? 159 00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:37,753 But we often leave him on his own! 160 00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:41,052 Not on Christmas night Rodney, not on Christmas night! 161 00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:44,908 But we sit with him every Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once! 162 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:50,025 He'd pretend he didn't mind! But you don't know what'll be going through his little mind as he sat here 163 00:15:50,188 --> 00:15:51,589 in this empty flat all on his own. 164 00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:58,097 Thinking about the good old days when Mum and Dad were here - when Christmas was a great, 165 00:15:58,268 --> 00:16:04,014 big family affair, and we're still a family Rodney so we'll stay here with Grandad and watch, 166 00:16:04,908 --> 00:16:07,821 - Y' know The Sound of Music. - I don't like The Sound of Music! 167 00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:10,252 - Well we'll switch over! - What's on? 168 00:16:10,454 --> 00:16:13,676 - A circus. - I want to go out Del! 169 00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:19,225 Listen Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own. 170 00:16:19,581 --> 00:16:25,671 Half of 'em don't get a Christmas card let alone a bit of company. So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad. 171 00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,824 If I want to go out I'll go out! 172 00:16:29,507 --> 00:16:30,939 - No you won't! - Yes I will! 173 00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,016 - You won't Rodney! - I will Del! 174 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,639 - You won't! - I will! 175 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,308 - You won't! - I will! 176 00:16:36,514 --> 00:16:40,921 - I'm off out now, see you later. - Yeah see you later Grandad. 177 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,296 Where'd you think you're going? 178 00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:53,457 I'm going to the Old Folks Christmas Do over at the Community Centre. I thought anything'd be better 179 00:16:53,639 --> 00:17:01,634 than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing. Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See yer. 180 00:17:02,724 --> 00:17:04,257 Yeah...See yer, Grandad. 181 00:17:07,105 --> 00:17:09,075 That's terrific that is, innit? 182 00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:13,280 Charming. He goes out gallivanting and we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews. 183 00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:19,963 Oh no, bruver - definitely not. Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo Club. 184 00:17:23,006 --> 00:17:30,299 I'll have a bath first 'cause there's hardly any hot water left. Fix yerself a drink, make yerself comfortable - and watch the circus. 185 00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:09,931 Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin with cream soda and lots of ice, and 'arf of lager. 186 00:18:11,898 --> 00:18:14,656 - You alright, Earl? - Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas? 187 00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:19,064 - Blinder. Where's the enemy? - She took the kids over her mum's. 188 00:18:20,742 --> 00:18:22,110 How's the old man? 189 00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:30,324 Up and down like Tower Bridge. Still in hospital - unconscious most of the time - when he wakes up he don't know where he is. 190 00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:37,568 Well next time he comes round again you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney. 191 00:18:38,143 --> 00:18:39,165 I will, Del. 192 00:18:40,436 --> 00:18:44,631 - What's wrong with him? - I can't pronounce it. 193 00:18:52,044 --> 00:18:57,340 Oh, now listen Earl, now listen my son, this is what you want to do. Next time you're up the hospital, 194 00:18:57,516 --> 00:19:01,577 you get hold of one of them surgeons you know they're the guys with the little white jackets and you say to him 195 00:19:01,757 --> 00:19:03,545 that your old Dad wants some antibiotics, 196 00:19:05,309 --> 00:19:12,411 An - ee - by- o-ics. I'll write it down for yer. 197 00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:15,043 Give me that Replay that I gave you for your Christmas present. 198 00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:22,064 You're being a bit pushy, ain't you? I mean don't you think the hospital's already thought of that? 199 00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:30,606 That bunch of wallies?? These are magic things Earl. They work a treat. Gawd knows where they get 'em from. 200 00:19:30,914 --> 00:19:33,576 D'you remember when Grandad was in hospital about eighteen month back? 201 00:19:33,913 --> 00:19:38,650 They gave him so many antibiotics that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better. 202 00:19:41,953 --> 00:19:45,821 Well there it is. Don't take this to a chemist's it ain't a prescription. 203 00:19:46,205 --> 00:19:49,491 No I won't, Del Boy. Well thanks a lot, that's really nice of you. 204 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,999 That's alright my son. You have a good Christmas, you hear? Come on Rodney. 205 00:19:56,597 --> 00:20:02,830 You're something else you are. You've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times but this takes the biscuit. 206 00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:04,829 Suddenly you're a miracle worker. 207 00:20:05,762 --> 00:20:12,685 Listen Rodney. Life's been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently. First, he got made redundant, 208 00:20:12,851 --> 00:20:15,086 it's been like that between him and his missus... 209 00:20:15,391 --> 00:20:20,489 ...then to top it all his old man collapses in the Nag's Head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting. 210 00:20:20,658 --> 00:20:25,646 - It was terrible, glasses went flying, everything. - Yeah? What, serious? 211 00:20:26,403 --> 00:20:34,413 No, I only had about that much left. No, I mean can't afford a private hospital. He wanted to take his dad to Lourdes, 212 00:20:34,578 --> 00:20:38,305 but couldn't afford the fare. The way his luck's going he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds let alone Lourdes. 213 00:20:41,064 --> 00:20:46,696 So I have just given him a bit of false hope - a light at the end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at, 214 00:20:48,138 --> 00:20:49,879 a bit of promise for the New Year. 215 00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:59,810 But what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs? It might finish the old man off. 216 00:21:00,450 --> 00:21:04,679 Leave it out Rodney. What do you think they are up the hospital, a bunch of wallies? 217 00:21:05,613 --> 00:21:06,591 But you just said... 218 00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:15,917 You're flash you are aintcha? You think you know the lot. Everything about you is - lairy. 219 00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:19,558 What do you mean - lairy? 220 00:21:19,827 --> 00:21:24,276 Well just look at the way you're dressed to begin with. You make Christmas trees look sombre. 221 00:21:25,679 --> 00:21:29,328 And God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. 222 00:21:29,987 --> 00:21:33,136 When they see you coming you must look like a mugger's pension scheme. 223 00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:39,777 Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock? With his plummage. 224 00:21:40,805 --> 00:21:48,502 This is my plummage...When I approach a bird she don't see me, the good-looking young man about town, 225 00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:54,593 own teeth and all that sort of game. She sees in her subconscious a white yacht floating 226 00:21:54,854 --> 00:21:57,106 on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay. 227 00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:58,767 - Is that right? - Yeah. 228 00:21:59,229 --> 00:22:02,801 With you they se a winkle barge sinking off the end of Southend pier. 229 00:22:03,427 --> 00:22:09,494 No, because I don't need all the bullion and perfume and the white shoes. I'm natural - I'm me, Del, I'm me. 230 00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:12,305 Yes, I know you're you, that's why you always end up with a dog. 231 00:22:12,552 --> 00:22:14,124 I don't go out with dogs! 232 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:20,477 Leave it off Rodney, you've had more dogs than Crufts. The other week Grandad took your suit to the cleaners 233 00:22:20,633 --> 00:22:26,850 and found a muzzle in the pocket. No Rodney, I know the secret, that's why I always blag the good 'uns 234 00:22:27,185 --> 00:22:34,293 the air hostesses and part-time models...Oh yes bruv I got the secret - it never fails me 235 00:22:39,823 --> 00:22:42,264 Got a bone handy Rodders? I think you've cracked it again. 236 00:23:07,142 --> 00:23:09,261 I wouldn't mind a sit down, the pins are aching. 237 00:23:09,561 --> 00:23:15,703 Amazing innit? I mean look at us - the Peckham Playboys and I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad. 238 00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:19,270 I thought you'd be used to it. The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is yer cracker. 239 00:23:21,239 --> 00:23:23,513 There's a table free over there, Rodders look lively. 240 00:23:29,794 --> 00:23:31,991 - Hey Del, look. - What? 241 00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:35,187 Ah no, they've only pinched our table. 242 00:23:35,420 --> 00:23:37,308 Never mind about the table, Del. Look at them two. 243 00:23:37,535 --> 00:23:41,279 - But I want to sit down. - We'll sit at their table. Come on. 244 00:23:48,271 --> 00:23:50,259 - Well go on then Del! - Go on then what? 245 00:23:50,536 --> 00:23:51,929 Do the bizzo. Chat 'em up. 246 00:23:52,270 --> 00:23:56,585 How come it's always me who's gotta do the donkey work, eh? You're like a spy you are, Rodders. 247 00:23:56,925 --> 00:24:02,193 You find where the enemy is hiding but I'm the one who's gotta charge across no man's land and do the capturing! 248 00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:05,881 Well I think it's about time you took a bit of shot and shell. Go on. 249 00:24:07,033 --> 00:24:09,294 - You mean chat 'em up? - Yeah. Go on. 250 00:24:11,313 --> 00:24:14,469 - Alright then, I'll do it. - Go on then. 251 00:24:15,732 --> 00:24:16,805 I will. 252 00:24:25,370 --> 00:24:26,348 What you doing? 253 00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:27,520 What you doing? 254 00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:29,286 Psyching meself up. 255 00:24:31,030 --> 00:24:33,637 It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute girls, he's just psyching himself up. 256 00:24:34,027 --> 00:24:34,970 Shut up, will you?! 257 00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:39,679 Come on, behave yourself. This is kamikaze time, get over there! 258 00:24:39,998 --> 00:24:41,487 - I will! - Well go on then! 259 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,515 In my own time, Del! 260 00:24:54,281 --> 00:24:55,409 Well go on then. 261 00:24:55,673 --> 00:24:57,216 Just shut up, will you? 262 00:25:09,045 --> 00:25:12,449 Oi soppy. Come here. 263 00:25:17,921 --> 00:25:21,356 I'd like to kill you sometimes. Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad. 264 00:25:21,783 --> 00:25:24,257 What was that silly walk for? Your guts playing you up again? 265 00:25:24,842 --> 00:25:27,932 It wasn't a silly walk. It was body language. I've got this book on it. 266 00:25:28,209 --> 00:25:30,099 Body language? I thought you were limping. 267 00:25:30,332 --> 00:25:31,808 I was 'talking' to them! 268 00:25:32,185 --> 00:25:34,774 Talking? You were lisping. What was you supposed to be saying? 269 00:25:35,292 --> 00:25:45,323 The walk was saying pelvis, virility. It was saying here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity! 270 00:25:46,244 --> 00:25:49,578 Well from back here it was saying here comes a man who's got his truss on back to front. 271 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:58,042 Don't do it. Go over again and this time, walk normal. 272 00:25:58,769 --> 00:26:01,535 I'm not going back there now, Del. I've made myself look a right lemon. 273 00:26:01,725 --> 00:26:02,555 No you haven't. 274 00:26:02,715 --> 00:26:05,322 What after aborting me attempt half-way? You go. 275 00:26:05,574 --> 00:26:12,862 Me? After you've made a right lemon of yourself? No way bruv! I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool. 276 00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:19,388 We'll stroll casually over the bar and get ourselves a drink. Then when they're not looking. 277 00:26:19,589 --> 00:26:20,348 Sneak out. 278 00:26:22,023 --> 00:26:29,082 No. When they're not looking we'll ambush 'em. You wally. Come on. 279 00:26:47,503 --> 00:26:55,390 Right I've got it. No, shut up, shut up. This is what we're gonna do. You leave the club. 280 00:26:56,203 --> 00:26:57,130 Leave? 281 00:26:57,646 --> 00:27:01,927 Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes and come back to the doorman and say 282 00:27:02,127 --> 00:27:06,792 that there's a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three-wheeled van. 283 00:27:07,869 --> 00:27:08,416 Why? 284 00:27:09,206 --> 00:27:14,395 Because he'll announce over the mike 'Would the owner of the brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche kindly move it 285 00:27:14,695 --> 00:27:24,870 as it's obstructing some sap's three-wheeled van! Then I will casually getup, jangling me keys, and join you outside. 286 00:27:26,764 --> 00:27:27,843 Why? 287 00:27:28,207 --> 00:27:32,942 Well because them two birds will think that I drive a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche. 288 00:27:33,572 --> 00:27:39,110 Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheeled van. 289 00:27:40,553 --> 00:27:41,482 But you do. 290 00:27:41,661 --> 00:27:44,196 I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I! 291 00:27:44,393 --> 00:27:47,070 But they won't know that will they 'cause you'll be outside. 292 00:27:48,178 --> 00:27:49,519 - Yeah with you. - Right. 293 00:27:51,102 --> 00:27:57,264 So that means the girls will be in here in the warm and us two shrewdies'll be outside on the pavement somewhere 294 00:27:57,465 --> 00:28:01,082 congratulating each other! And then we'll have to pay to get back in again. 295 00:28:07,622 --> 00:28:15,124 Yeah yeah alright clever Dick! Look, let's just play it by ear, shall we. We'll go over there and engage 'em in conversation. 296 00:28:20,644 --> 00:28:21,887 Oh no, hold it minute Del. 297 00:28:22,521 --> 00:28:26,939 What sort of conversation you going to engage them in? I mean you always tell lies, don't you? 298 00:28:27,306 --> 00:28:31,460 You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're film producers and we got a private jet! 299 00:28:32,275 --> 00:28:34,212 Everyone exaggerates now then Rodney. 300 00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:40,769 But I don't know what to say. I get embarrassed! Let's just tell 'em the truth. Tell 'em about our likes and what we do. 301 00:28:43,289 --> 00:28:45,373 I just want to sit down. You can do the talking. 302 00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:51,871 - God Almighty. - What shall I say to them? 303 00:28:54,477 --> 00:28:58,667 Tell 'em you went down the auction last Friday and bought a 1962 A.40 304 00:28:59,557 --> 00:29:01,495 that you sold thirty Christmas trees in the market 305 00:29:01,669 --> 00:29:05,728 and knocked out two gross of fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct. 306 00:29:06,053 --> 00:29:08,375 Tantalize 'em Rodney, tantalize 'em. 307 00:29:09,496 --> 00:29:10,510 You don't think it'll bore 'em? 308 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,124 No. They wouldn't have had so much fun since their last exorcism! 309 00:29:14,967 --> 00:29:20,237 - We can talk about Christmas! - Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets. Let's go. 310 00:29:21,963 --> 00:29:27,250 - No Del, hold it. - I'll kick you in the shins in a minute. Now what? 311 00:29:27,585 --> 00:29:29,223 Which one d'you fancy? 312 00:29:29,866 --> 00:29:34,997 Not yours, Look, they're both very nice. I ain't particular. 313 00:29:35,632 --> 00:29:38,475 - No, I'm not particular neither. - Good! I'll have the blonde one then. 314 00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:39,923 I fancied the blonde one! 315 00:29:40,139 --> 00:29:48,298 Gordon Bennett!! The darkhaired one's very nice. And if I'm not mistaken I've seen her two or three times 316 00:29:48,590 --> 00:29:52,478 coming out of Guy's hospital. Now either she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse. 317 00:29:52,786 --> 00:29:56,886 Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, particularly in uniform, eh? 318 00:29:58,783 --> 00:30:02,169 Take it or leave it. Anyway she's not wearing her uniform, is she? 319 00:30:03,912 --> 00:30:08,314 Well of course not. You don't come to the Monte Carlo club dressed up as Sister George do you. 320 00:30:09,124 --> 00:30:11,725 But she might have her uniform with her. 321 00:30:12,098 --> 00:30:15,776 Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home. 322 00:30:17,340 --> 00:30:19,705 Alright, so she ain't got her uniform with her. 323 00:30:19,937 --> 00:30:22,703 But on the other hand, she might have something for your stomach might'n she. 324 00:30:23,516 --> 00:30:27,562 Now come along, we're gonna make our move, and I'm doing all the talking. 325 00:30:27,950 --> 00:30:33,814 So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous. 326 00:30:34,526 --> 00:30:35,284 Alright then. 327 00:30:45,173 --> 00:30:47,913 You dozy little twonk, Rodney. 328 00:30:48,101 --> 00:30:50,250 Me? Don't blame me Del, it's your fault. 329 00:30:50,554 --> 00:30:54,141 Five minutes ago I was ready to make my move, but you kept calling me back. 330 00:30:54,471 --> 00:30:57,626 An hour ago I was half-way across that floor and you called me back. 331 00:30:57,872 --> 00:31:02,295 That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk. And anyway your timing was all wrong. 332 00:31:02,788 --> 00:31:06,188 The birds had hardly sat down and you were steaming across that floor like Ivor the Engine. 333 00:31:07,815 --> 00:31:13,296 It's no good just crashing in with a smile and a prayer. A woman needs time, Rodney. 334 00:31:13,902 --> 00:31:15,841 Them tactics have never failed me in the past. 335 00:31:16,046 --> 00:31:21,025 Well they wouldn't with them Ovaltinies you chat up. I've heard your line of patter my son. 336 00:31:21,410 --> 00:31:24,812 If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit? 337 00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:30,331 With me, it's different. I take a woman's feelings into consideration. 338 00:31:31,107 --> 00:31:39,158 I do. When a woman goes out with me she is guaranteed three things - well four actually, 339 00:31:39,351 --> 00:31:43,521 but the fourth's an optional extra. She's guaranteed a well dressed man. 340 00:31:46,457 --> 00:31:53,038 She is guaranteed a steak meal. And she is guaranteed care and consideration. Oh yes she is. 341 00:31:54,473 --> 00:32:00,742 I take a woman's feelings into consideration. It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word, 342 00:32:01,977 --> 00:32:06,846 a badly timed gesture. No, I care about women's feelings. 343 00:32:07,565 --> 00:32:10,738 There's too much pain in this world Rodney without me causing more! 344 00:32:21,745 --> 00:32:23,478 Excuse me, Ladies. 345 00:32:23,704 --> 00:32:28,159 It's getting rather late and my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking of going home yet? 346 00:32:28,770 --> 00:32:31,064 Oh yes, we were just going to get our coats. 347 00:32:31,349 --> 00:32:33,596 Oh good, we can have your chairs then, can't we? 348 00:32:36,536 --> 00:32:38,941 Come on Rodney. Excuse me love.