1 00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:59,400 'Ere, look who's here, look, Phil the Flooter! 2 00:01:00,383 --> 00:01:04,017 Oi, now don't you go winding him up! There could be rivers of blood! 3 00:01:04,354 --> 00:01:07,832 Yeah, there will be rivers ofblood. Look t the way he tucked us up with that paint last week! 4 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,702 Here, just shove that on the meter. And I'll see you inside in a minute! Alright? 5 00:01:17,807 --> 00:01:20,191 Hello Ranji my son, how are you, alright? 6 00:01:20,361 --> 00:01:23,785 Here, I saw your missus on Tuesday, she's got a terrible spot on her forehead ain't she? 7 00:01:26,088 --> 00:01:27,143 - Hello sweetheart. - Alright? 8 00:01:27,297 --> 00:01:29,721 Yeah. He's a nice bloke you know, that Ranji! 9 00:01:30,347 --> 00:01:34,183 He took me and Rodney over to Southall last week. They was holding this Asian song contest. 10 00:01:34,665 --> 00:01:36,761 - Is that right? - Yeah, bloke called Singh won it! 11 00:01:38,412 --> 00:01:39,355 Singh! 12 00:01:39,905 --> 00:01:40,907 What d'you want, usual? 13 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:46,811 Yeah, Campari and diet coke please! 'Ere, how's the new guv'nor treating you? 14 00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:50,146 Oh, he's alright! Did you know we're having this place done up? 15 00:01:50,323 --> 00:01:52,218 Are you? About time it was redecorated. 16 00:01:52,402 --> 00:01:55,479 Last time it was done they had to keep stopping 'cos of the Zepplin raids! 17 00:01:57,134 --> 00:01:59,928 Look who's here, look...there he is, Paddy McIntee's goat! 18 00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:01,223 Are you alright Del? 19 00:02:01,426 --> 00:02:04,023 Alright? What d'you mean alright? After that paint you sold me! 20 00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,782 - Was there something wrong with it? - It was supposed to be apple white! 21 00:02:06,938 --> 00:02:08,612 - And what was it? - Battleship grey! 22 00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:12,456 Well there's a thing! I'll tell you what. 23 00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:17,400 If, on my travels, I come across someone who wants their battleship painted, I'll put 'em in touch! 24 00:02:17,651 --> 00:02:21,308 You do that! You do...you're a right con merchant you are aren't you, eh? 25 00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:23,958 I don't know how people like you can live with yourselves. Really, I... 26 00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:26,351 Oi - you know that over-coat you sold my dad? 27 00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:28,795 It's got a great big hump in the back! 28 00:02:29,055 --> 00:02:31,060 Well of course, it's genuine camel-hair innit! 29 00:02:33,443 --> 00:02:34,397 I'll tell him that. 30 00:02:35,236 --> 00:02:38,978 Yeah, yeah, alright, alright, I'll let you off the paint, this time! 31 00:02:39,294 --> 00:02:41,129 Here, I thought you were going back to Dublin's fair city? 32 00:02:41,274 --> 00:02:45,036 I was, till the brewery decided to have this place re-decorated. 33 00:02:45,215 --> 00:02:46,987 Oh and you've got the contract have you? 34 00:02:47,145 --> 00:02:51,940 As good as! I've arranged it with the guv'nor that mine's the lowest estimate! 35 00:02:52,374 --> 00:02:54,159 See you Del. Oh, by the way. 36 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,335 If you come across young Denzil tell him 37 00:02:56,487 --> 00:02:59,991 I tried to phone him twice last night but I haven't got his number! 38 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:05,437 Right. 'Ere, just a minute, has he got your phone number? 39 00:03:05,828 --> 00:03:07,610 - No. - I'll tell him to phone you then. 40 00:03:08,053 --> 00:03:09,054 Thanks. 41 00:03:09,681 --> 00:03:14,186 Oi, just a minute - just a minute. Here, what d'you want with Denzil anyway? 42 00:03:14,353 --> 00:03:16,552 Oh, he's after having me decorate his front room. 43 00:03:16,737 --> 00:03:19,463 It'll be a couple of hundred to take back to the old country. 44 00:03:19,614 --> 00:03:23,285 'Ere, well listen, when you go back to the old country don't eat any of them carrots! 45 00:03:24,149 --> 00:03:26,152 - Why's that? - They've got potato-blight! 46 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:27,841 Would you believe it... 47 00:03:30,731 --> 00:03:34,454 - Are you alright there Rodney? - Yes, yes, triffic thank you Brendan! 48 00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:37,652 Were you happy with that paint I got you last week? 49 00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:44,004 - The paint? Yeah, ace! - Good. I'll see you around then. 50 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,403 Oh yeah. Yeah, you take care of yourself. 51 00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,599 I don't know how I managed to keep my hands off him. 52 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,536 Come on, drink up, we're going! 53 00:03:57,958 --> 00:03:59,672 What do you mean drink up? I haven't had a drink yet! 54 00:03:59,951 --> 00:04:01,446 Good, I don't want you falling off the ladder! 55 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,309 - What ladder? - The ladder round at Denzil's place! 56 00:04:05,382 --> 00:04:06,783 Del, what the hell are you talking about? 57 00:04:06,993 --> 00:04:10,109 - We're doing up Denzil's front room! - You never told me. 58 00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:15,846 I know, I couldn't. I mean, be fair Rodney, I haven't even told Denzil yet! Come on. 59 00:04:20,081 --> 00:04:21,740 Del, I've told you before an' I'm gonna tell you again, 60 00:04:21,898 --> 00:04:23,513 we should have nothing to do with it! 61 00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:26,805 I know, but Denzil's no good at papering and painting and that sort of thing. 62 00:04:27,090 --> 00:04:28,385 Well that makes three of us. 63 00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:32,343 Look, no, you seem to forget that Grandad used to be a decorator for the council! 64 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:37,273 Del, that was in 1924. He used to go to work on a horse! 65 00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:41,942 And even then he got the sack after two days for wallpapering over a serving hatch! 66 00:04:42,823 --> 00:04:44,045 Oi, that's another thing, 67 00:04:44,211 --> 00:04:47,802 how d'you think Denzil's wife's gonna react after what you did to her last year? 68 00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:50,006 Now Rodney, that's all in the past, 69 00:04:50,172 --> 00:04:52,834 Corinne's a sensible girl, it's forgive and forget, that's her. 70 00:04:53,404 --> 00:04:56,966 Anyway, give us a chance to get even with that Paddy, I'd love to take a couple of hundred off him! 71 00:04:57,281 --> 00:04:59,623 Anyway you never know, we might be able to get shot of that paint!! 72 00:04:59,829 --> 00:05:03,804 Oh yeah! I mean everyone's having their woodwork done in battleship grey nowadays! 73 00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:07,432 But you don't know. Corinne and Denzil may quite like it! 74 00:05:07,835 --> 00:05:11,215 Del, you'll make their front room look like the conning tower of the Ark Royal! 75 00:05:12,341 --> 00:05:13,657 Oh, shut up you tart! 76 00:05:15,910 --> 00:05:18,168 Come on Sylvester, talk to Denzil! 77 00:05:18,897 --> 00:05:24,917 Say Viv Richards is King! Come on, let me hear them golden tones! Come on. 78 00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,840 Ah, you stupid ras bird! 79 00:05:30,673 --> 00:05:31,952 Alright, I'm coming. 80 00:05:32,172 --> 00:05:35,450 You'll have sailors doing the hornpipe, jump-jets landing of the sofa! 81 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,616 Will you shut up Rodney! 82 00:05:38,281 --> 00:05:41,671 - Del my man! - Denzil my son, how are you? 83 00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:43,915 - Come in. - Yeah, great. 84 00:05:44,502 --> 00:05:46,361 I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been? 85 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,983 Well, you know me, here, there and everywhere - ducking and diving. 86 00:05:49,938 --> 00:05:52,069 - Rodney, you're looking good! - Yeah! 87 00:05:55,753 --> 00:06:00,119 He's cool, I like it! I tell you, if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black! 88 00:06:01,882 --> 00:06:03,261 Yeah, he is white ain't he! 89 00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:05,557 He's the whitest man I've ever seen in all my life! 90 00:06:06,536 --> 00:06:07,882 I'm not ever so white! 91 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,058 You are! You'd make an albino look bronzed! 92 00:06:12,618 --> 00:06:14,075 Here, grab one of these each! 93 00:06:14,276 --> 00:06:18,071 - Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't about is she? - No, no, she's round her sister's. 94 00:06:18,222 --> 00:06:19,013 Oh that' alright... 95 00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:20,833 Hey, you ain't still worried about what happened are you? 96 00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:24,656 Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now. Anyway, what brings you round? 97 00:06:24,835 --> 00:06:27,168 Just passing through, thought we'd call in. 98 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:28,940 'Ere have you had this place done up? 99 00:06:29,219 --> 00:06:30,600 - No. - No, I didn't think you had. 100 00:06:31,606 --> 00:06:32,867 We're getting it decorated soon though. 101 00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:35,025 Corinnes' been at me for ages about it, 102 00:06:35,365 --> 00:06:38,634 but I'm no good at that sort of thing so I got the Irishman to do it. 103 00:06:38,909 --> 00:06:41,656 Oh Brendan? Oh well, you can't go far wrong with him Denzil. 104 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:46,846 He's a good man. Here, did you hear about that house he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue. 105 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,222 He made a beautiful job of it so I hear. Mind you I only saw it after the fire! 106 00:06:56,474 --> 00:06:59,110 Who's a pretty boy? He's a lovely boy ain't he! Is he yours Denzil? 107 00:06:59,755 --> 00:07:04,170 No, he's Corinne's, she's had him for a few years - what fire? 108 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,416 You mean the house burnt down? 109 00:07:06,608 --> 00:07:08,602 Yeah, but don't get me wrong, it wasn't Brendan's fault! 110 00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:11,699 I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes who like a couple of pints at dinner time. 111 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,902 And it's very easy to forget where you left your blow-lamp! 112 00:07:15,446 --> 00:07:16,872 So it was accidental then? 113 00:07:17,065 --> 00:07:20,456 Oh yeah! It was an accident, even the coroner said so! 114 00:07:21,672 --> 00:07:22,960 - Coroner?? - Yeah. 115 00:07:23,136 --> 00:07:23,984 Right, that's it, 116 00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:28,544 I'm having no drunken Irishman falling about my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp! No way. 117 00:07:28,877 --> 00:07:33,523 Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't said nothing now, 118 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:38,284 oh I feel really bad about this - you know what, with Brendan being a mate an' all! 119 00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:43,182 Look, never mind Denzil. Look on the bright side, he might not burn your place down. 120 00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:48,093 Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del, I'm getting somebody else to do the job! 121 00:07:48,251 --> 00:07:50,147 Oh well. Well, it's up to you. 122 00:07:50,353 --> 00:07:53,906 I mean, as I always used to say to my customers when I was in the painting and decorating game, 123 00:07:54,064 --> 00:07:56,216 I used to say 'It's your money, it's your choice.' 124 00:07:57,570 --> 00:08:00,154 You never told me you used to be a painter and decorator? 125 00:08:00,707 --> 00:08:03,285 Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the family trade for generations ain't it Rodney? 126 00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:06,393 Yeah. There you are, see. 127 00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:09,088 But demand got too much, we had to give it up in the end. 128 00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:14,246 Listen, couldn't you just do this living room for us? 129 00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:15,307 What this? 130 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:18,738 Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no, you know, we've given the game up now! 131 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,447 Oh come on Del! Corinne's been bending my ear about it for ages. 132 00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:23,945 Just this one room yeah? 133 00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:33,745 No, no. No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. 134 00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,260 If I do it for you I've got to do it for all the others! Haven't I? 135 00:08:36,539 --> 00:08:39,373 Del, for a mate in trouble! Please! 136 00:08:42,429 --> 00:08:46,190 - Alright, just for you though! - Cheers Del, you're a pal! 137 00:08:46,465 --> 00:08:47,795 I don't know. I don't know what it is with you. 138 00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:50,352 You manage to twist me right round your little finger, don't you? 139 00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:52,301 When can you start? 140 00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,622 First thing in the morning. 141 00:08:53,789 --> 00:08:55,829 A hundred up front, we supply the paint and that's extra. 142 00:08:55,979 --> 00:08:57,539 - Done. - And you will be. 143 00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:00,141 I'll get some more drinks. 144 00:09:00,303 --> 00:09:03,944 Good, what about that Rodney, eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh? 145 00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,365 I don't think I'm ever so white! 146 00:09:08,354 --> 00:09:10,987 You are. You look like a blood donor who couldn't say no! 147 00:09:14,071 --> 00:09:15,911 - Hiya! - Hi hon. 148 00:09:17,237 --> 00:09:19,448 Hello baby, have you missed me? 149 00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:26,925 Denzil!! What the hell is he doing in my home?? 150 00:09:28,424 --> 00:09:30,405 Hello Corinne, you look as lovely as ever! 151 00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:33,957 - Del just popped in to say hi hon. - Did he really? 152 00:09:34,091 --> 00:09:35,503 'Hello'. There's the door! 153 00:09:36,231 --> 00:09:38,307 'There's the door.' She's a card ain't she! 154 00:09:39,903 --> 00:09:41,288 And what's he doing? 155 00:09:43,181 --> 00:09:46,388 I want you to tell me the truth Corinne. Am I white? 156 00:09:48,047 --> 00:09:50,924 Denzil - have you and Rodney been at the funny fags? 157 00:09:51,339 --> 00:09:54,860 No, honest hon, we haven't, we've just got some drinks that's all. 158 00:09:55,515 --> 00:09:59,103 I go round my sister's to see how she is after having the stitches out, 159 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:02,234 and I come back to find my home full of crazy people! 160 00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:06,081 Oh come on babe, be friendly! Del's gonna do the decorating for us! 161 00:10:06,247 --> 00:10:07,321 He's what? 162 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:10,294 Well, I blew the Irishman out, I mean I've heard bad things about him! 163 00:10:10,925 --> 00:10:12,841 Denzil, how can you trust this man? 164 00:10:13,374 --> 00:10:15,691 Every time you meet him you end up drunk or out of pocket? 165 00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:18,009 Yeah I know, but he's a mate! 166 00:10:20,733 --> 00:10:23,668 Would a mate sell you an overcoat like the one he sold you? 167 00:10:23,804 --> 00:10:25,705 Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne, 168 00:10:25,854 --> 00:10:28,957 that was a very nice overcoat, looked like it was made to measure! 169 00:10:29,281 --> 00:10:31,228 Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame! 170 00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,991 And what about the time he offered to do the catering or us? 171 00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:37,960 Oh don't bring that up honey please. 172 00:10:38,417 --> 00:10:44,845 That was our wedding Denzil! What was it we were supposed to have Del? 173 00:10:46,276 --> 00:10:55,547 Lobster vol-au-vents, game pie, kidneys with saffron rice, beef and anchovy savouries! 174 00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,324 Philadelphia Truffles! 175 00:10:57,593 --> 00:11:00,868 And what did we end up with? Pie 'n' chips all round! 176 00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:04,161 Now I explained all that Corinne, didn't I? 177 00:11:04,319 --> 00:11:07,009 The fridge went on the blink and all the goodies went manky! 178 00:11:08,429 --> 00:11:11,001 And what about our three-tier wedding cake? 179 00:11:11,328 --> 00:11:13,392 Yeah, well, that was in the fridge with all the other gear! 180 00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:16,320 I mean the icing melted, it dripped everywhere! 181 00:11:16,693 --> 00:11:20,335 Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne, by the end of the week it looked like a big candle! 182 00:11:21,492 --> 00:11:23,070 I thought you said she'd forgotten about all this! 183 00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:27,504 How can I forget it? I have to live with that wedding album the rest of my life. 184 00:11:28,641 --> 00:11:32,820 How many times have you seen a picture of a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge? 185 00:11:36,691 --> 00:11:38,710 Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair. 186 00:11:38,853 --> 00:11:42,786 He only got that at the 11th hour, otherwise it could have been an eccles cake! 187 00:11:45,819 --> 00:11:49,018 You want 'em to do the decorating then you let 'em. 188 00:11:49,413 --> 00:11:52,768 But I promise you this Denzil, if anything goes wrong 189 00:11:52,924 --> 00:11:56,666 I'll make you wish your mother had had a headache the night you was conceived! 190 00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,319 She's a little treasure ain't she? 191 00:12:16,476 --> 00:12:18,626 Come on Rodney, let's leave the love-birds alone! 192 00:12:18,925 --> 00:12:23,148 Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's in the kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the paint fumes. 193 00:12:23,582 --> 00:12:24,848 Leave the key under the mat! 194 00:12:26,055 --> 00:12:30,225 Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes sense! Come on, let's get out of here. 195 00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:36,011 That'll keep us out of trouble for a couple of days! 196 00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:40,182 Look, I know I'm white, but I'm no whiter than anyone else! 197 00:12:41,146 --> 00:12:45,041 - You are, you're whiter than Denzil. - Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil! 198 00:12:45,893 --> 00:12:48,008 Here, we might be able to earn a couple of bob out of this. 199 00:12:48,461 --> 00:12:50,508 - How? - We could hire you out for hauntings. 200 00:12:51,857 --> 00:12:53,204 I'm starting to get more wild Del. 201 00:12:53,342 --> 00:12:55,787 Now listen, you'd do very well in one of them Mickey Mouse seances! 202 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,075 You know where you have to appear through a thin veil of gauze. 203 00:12:58,223 --> 00:13:00,207 You could say, 'I am Rodney, the anaemic ghost.' 204 00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:04,842 What, oi, that's my hat. You saucy little git. 205 00:13:05,341 --> 00:13:09,138 Oh no, it's gone under a bus now!! I'll put you under that ruddy bus... 206 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,429 They ain't got a serving hatch have they? 207 00:13:15,538 --> 00:13:20,480 No, no, it's alright, don't worry! Alright, come on Rodney. 208 00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,678 Now get them dust sheets - all over this furniture, will you. 209 00:13:26,295 --> 00:13:27,712 Hey, look Corinne's left a note! 210 00:13:31,896 --> 00:13:35,808 'Leave the telly alone, don't eat the fruit and stay out of the kitchen.' 211 00:13:36,790 --> 00:13:40,888 Leave the telly alone and don't eat the fruit! What sort of people does she think we are? 212 00:13:41,578 --> 00:13:44,178 Yeah, she's got us tagged all wrong ain't she! 213 00:13:45,805 --> 00:13:47,891 'Ere, look at the time, it's half past nine, come on Rodney, 214 00:13:48,029 --> 00:13:49,282 put the kettle on, we'll have a cup of tea. 215 00:13:50,048 --> 00:13:53,434 Del, she said stay out of the kitchen! Now I reckon you're taking liberties! 216 00:13:53,564 --> 00:13:56,051 Well, everyone's entitled to a cup of tea Rodney, 217 00:13:56,261 --> 00:13:58,606 I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or something! 218 00:13:59,435 --> 00:14:01,622 That's right taking liberties, I ask yer... 219 00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:05,010 'Ere, while you're out there have a look in the cupboard an' see if there are any Jaffa cakes going. 220 00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:09,148 Go on, go on, don't worry Grandad – we'll soon have this job finished! 221 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,317 - Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his finger out! - Yeah. 222 00:14:22,831 --> 00:14:25,814 If this gets a bit much for you Del have a nice sit down, eh? 223 00:14:26,572 --> 00:14:27,969 Yes, alright, alright, Rodney, thank... 224 00:14:28,124 --> 00:14:30,165 Go on, get going, get going, we'll never have finished at this... 225 00:14:30,317 --> 00:14:34,813 Hello Ginger? Del Boy! How are you going my son? 226 00:14:35,821 --> 00:14:38,164 Oh no, we're all fine, no we're absolutely fine 'ere. 227 00:14:38,325 --> 00:14:46,158 Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale. Apart from that we're alright. How's the family? Oh triffic! 228 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:50,134 - Ginger? Who's he talking to, Ginger Ted? - Yeah it sounds like it. 229 00:14:50,325 --> 00:14:51,969 Has he come back from Canada then? 230 00:14:52,315 --> 00:14:54,564 - What's the weather like out there? - No. 231 00:14:54,869 --> 00:14:59,967 The time. It's just gone 'alf past ten! What, is it really? 232 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:08,225 Cor, go on. No I'll tell you what, no, you go back to sleep, yeah, I'll give you a bell tomorrow, alright. 233 00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:11,209 And I'll leave it a bit later like. Yeah, alright, see yer pal! 234 00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,151 Cor look at that, it's marvelous ain't it, eh? 235 00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:16,531 All the way to Vancouver and it's as clear as a bell, 236 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:19,744 yeah, well, it's modern space technology innit! 237 00:15:20,599 --> 00:15:22,569 I've justbeen bounced off a satellite! 238 00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:26,717 If Corinne finds out she'll bounce you off Chelsea Bridge! 239 00:15:28,023 --> 00:15:30,292 - Oi you, where's my tea? - What tea? 240 00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:33,211 Well I asked you about an hour ago 241 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,869 to put the kettle on to have a cup of Darjeeling, remember? 242 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:38,315 Oh Gawd, yeah, I forgot all about it. 243 00:15:40,224 --> 00:15:42,244 Bloody hell, I left the kettle on the gas!! 244 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,963 Oh stone me Rodney, I don't know what's the matter with him sometimes, 245 00:15:46,105 --> 00:15:48,448 he seems to live in a world of his own! 246 00:15:50,073 --> 00:15:51,171 - Here Del. - What? 247 00:15:51,356 --> 00:15:53,941 Supposing the steam starts the wallpaper peeling. 248 00:15:54,096 --> 00:15:55,335 Oh that's charming that, isn't it. 249 00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:58,108 We come round here to do the living room and end up stripping the kitchen! 250 00:15:58,287 --> 00:15:59,882 Oh Del, I can hardly breathe! 251 00:16:00,139 --> 00:16:03,427 You may not ever breathe again if this wallpaper's ruined! 252 00:16:03,624 --> 00:16:07,617 Oh look, condensation is everywhere! Quick, get me a cloth! 253 00:16:07,774 --> 00:16:09,051 Yeah I'll open the window. 254 00:16:09,353 --> 00:16:10,638 That's right, go on Grandad. 255 00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,818 If we tidy this place up maybe she might never notice! 256 00:16:14,412 --> 00:16:16,235 She might notice the kettle! 257 00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,458 Gordon Bennett, I don't believe it! 258 00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,656 Put it back. Say nothing. She might blame Denzil. 259 00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:27,284 - Del Boy, come and have a look at this! - No, we're busy Grandad! 260 00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:31,610 Look, I'm sorry about all this Del, it's just what with all the other work in there and then you... 261 00:16:31,784 --> 00:16:34,718 Alright, alright, alright, Rodney. It's no good going on. 262 00:16:34,858 --> 00:16:37,550 It's just one of them things. Accidents will happen. 263 00:16:37,737 --> 00:16:38,752 Yeah, cheers. 264 00:16:39,529 --> 00:16:44,322 Del, Del look. It's the bird... 265 00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,560 He don't look very well to me! 266 00:16:56,131 --> 00:17:03,345 That is most probably due to the fact Grandad that he is stone-dead. You dozy little twonk Rodney. 267 00:17:04,798 --> 00:17:07,424 Hold on, just now you said it was an easy mistake to make!! 268 00:17:07,857 --> 00:17:09,915 Yeah, it is if you're bloody stupid. 269 00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:12,941 It might not be completely dead! 270 00:17:13,584 --> 00:17:16,524 It might not be completely dead, it's just been sauteed! 271 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,842 What is Corinne gonna say when she comes back 272 00:17:19,987 --> 00:17:21,915 and finds out what you have done to her little pet?? 273 00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,816 Well I wouldn't mind seeing her face when she gets her next telephone bill. 274 00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:28,014 Look at this big hole you've made in the kettle!! 275 00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:30,656 Well, it's not as big as the hole you made in them Jaffa Cakes is it! 276 00:17:30,870 --> 00:17:36,655 Will you two pack it in! We've gotta think of a way out of this! 277 00:17:38,869 --> 00:17:42,490 I've got it! I've got it, we could say it was caused by paint fumes! 278 00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:46,147 Paint fumes? Paint fumes. 279 00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:50,413 When Corinne comes back in here she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, 280 00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:52,514 her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath 281 00:17:52,806 --> 00:17:55,853 and she's got a Kentucky Fried canary at the bottom of that cage! 282 00:17:57,256 --> 00:17:58,857 And we're gonna say paint fumes. 283 00:18:01,756 --> 00:18:02,901 Yeah, you're right! 284 00:18:05,162 --> 00:18:06,306 I'll tell you what we'll do, 285 00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:08,149 Rodney and I, we'll try and clear this place up! 286 00:18:08,306 --> 00:18:09,611 Grandad, I want you to go down the High Street 287 00:18:09,769 --> 00:18:12,118 and I want you to get a packet of Jaffa Cakes and a canary. 288 00:18:12,812 --> 00:18:16,238 - Where do I get a canary from? - Why don't you try the boot mender's! 289 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,697 Don't you get saucy Rodney, you ain't too big to get a slap round the head! 290 00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:22,704 Oi, oi, will you stop it you two. We haven't got much time now, go on. 291 00:18:22,863 --> 00:18:24,722 Well, how much is a canary? 292 00:18:24,872 --> 00:18:27,239 Well how the bleedin' hell do I know? 293 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,379 Here, look, take the lot. 294 00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:31,270 Go on and make sure you don't get mugged! 295 00:18:33,705 --> 00:18:37,353 And make sure...And make sure you get a canary - you know and a yellow one! 296 00:18:37,778 --> 00:18:40,080 Yeah, we don't want a budgie or a parrot! 297 00:18:40,735 --> 00:18:42,592 No, you want a canary don't you? 298 00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,162 Yes! Alright, write it down for him Rodney! Write it down. 299 00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:49,537 - It's alright Del, I'll remember! Yellow canary. - Go on and hurry up then! 300 00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:53,549 A yellow canary - a yellow canary... yellow canary. 301 00:18:56,248 --> 00:19:02,700 - Well I suppose it could have been worse. - Could it? 302 00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:05,550 Well if you're gonna be like that, no! 303 00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:08,758 I'll tell you what we're gonna do, right. 304 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:13,825 If we clean this place up, polish the kettle, put a new canary in the cage, 305 00:19:14,343 --> 00:19:20,231 maybe Corinne won’t suspect anything! Grandad's the one that worries me! 306 00:19:21,154 --> 00:19:22,057 How d'you mean? 307 00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:27,942 Oh, it's I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, he's gonna come back with a goldfish! 308 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,859 Louis! I need a canary, quick! 309 00:19:40,329 --> 00:19:45,849 Hey Grandad, it's a long time, eh? You sit down for a while. 310 00:19:45,983 --> 00:19:48,736 - No. I ain't got time. - You want a drink? 311 00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:53,054 No, I want a canary! This is an emergency. 312 00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:56,801 Emergency? I've never sold an emergency canary before! 313 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:02,359 I'll tell you what I've got for you, I gotta lovely greenfinch. She's beautiful! 314 00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:08,919 - No, I want a canary! - You want a bird of paradise? 315 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,123 - Is it a canary? - No! 316 00:20:13,365 --> 00:20:14,948 Well I don't want it then! 317 00:20:15,129 --> 00:20:17,997 Alright, alright, stay calm, now please what do you want? 318 00:20:18,327 --> 00:20:19,637 I want a canary! 319 00:20:19,822 --> 00:20:24,824 He wants a canary, I've only got one canary! 320 00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:26,138 I'll take it. 321 00:20:26,313 --> 00:20:30,069 No, no. It's not as simple as that! This is my canary! 322 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:36,642 This is Arturo, he's my own pet! 323 00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,796 Can't you sell him? 324 00:20:40,592 --> 00:20:43,503 No, he's been with me for years! 325 00:20:43,665 --> 00:20:49,811 He's like one of the family, he's my own flesh and blood! 326 00:20:50,053 --> 00:20:51,680 I'll give you fourty-five pounds! 327 00:20:51,852 --> 00:20:54,399 Okee Dokee, Ciao Arturo! 328 00:21:04,585 --> 00:21:07,863 Oh, hello Corinne love. Smashing weather ain't it? 329 00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:10,052 Yeah! I thought you was back at the flat? 330 00:21:10,405 --> 00:21:15,901 I am. What I mean is I just popped out to get something to eat! 331 00:21:20,675 --> 00:21:24,539 - You going home straight away? - No I've got a bit more shopping to do. 332 00:21:25,032 --> 00:21:28,329 Oh good! Well, I'll see you back there later love. 333 00:21:35,841 --> 00:21:37,534 That thing cost fifty quid? 334 00:21:39,227 --> 00:21:43,810 Yeah. I mean, they was much cheaper in my day and age. 335 00:21:43,987 --> 00:21:46,210 I thought they was much cheaper in this day and age... 336 00:21:46,798 --> 00:21:49,504 I mean for 50 sovs you could at least have got a bigger one! 337 00:21:50,302 --> 00:21:53,036 No, no, 'cos then Corinne would have known the difference. 338 00:21:53,402 --> 00:21:57,194 You see to us it's just a canary, but to her it's a personal friend. 339 00:21:58,311 --> 00:22:02,362 We ought to double check it you know make sure it ain't got no distinguishing features! 340 00:22:02,998 --> 00:22:04,816 You mean like freckles or a birthmark? 341 00:22:06,896 --> 00:22:09,917 Del if this one is different she'll twig it straight away! 342 00:22:10,478 --> 00:22:13,825 Grandad, go down the vet's and see if you can get his dental records. 343 00:22:14,431 --> 00:22:16,000 Sit down, sit down. 344 00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:24,072 Look soppy, unless the other one had got a dimple in its chin and a beer gut, 345 00:22:24,364 --> 00:22:26,039 no one's gonna be none the wiser! 346 00:22:27,154 --> 00:22:28,905 Now, come on, let's get back in that other room 347 00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:30,694 and make it look as though we've done something today!! 348 00:22:32,817 --> 00:22:36,650 That's her, quick, go on get up the stairs. Grandad, against the wall, go on. 349 00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:39,707 That's it, go on, go on. That's the way Rodney, lots of care! 350 00:22:40,263 --> 00:22:43,862 That's right, I want this to be a 100 per cent luxurious job! 351 00:22:44,265 --> 00:22:47,814 I want this place to look like a palace for Denzil and Corinne when the... 352 00:22:48,111 --> 00:22:51,664 Oh, hello Corinne, how are you sweetheart? 353 00:22:52,466 --> 00:22:54,104 - I'm fine thanks. - Good. 354 00:22:54,997 --> 00:22:56,600 - D'you want a cup of tea? - No!! 355 00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:02,023 Alright, don't bite my head off, I only asked if you wanted a cup of tea! 356 00:23:02,283 --> 00:23:03,194 No, no, it's alright, Corinne. 357 00:23:03,369 --> 00:23:07,464 No it's just that we're like Magnus Mackeson, you know we've started so we'll finish! 358 00:23:08,866 --> 00:23:11,296 Yeah, it's sort of personal pride with us Trotters. 359 00:23:13,581 --> 00:23:14,872 Okay, please yourselves! 360 00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:19,852 She's gonna twig it, I know she is! 361 00:23:20,996 --> 00:23:24,337 No Rodney, just, you know, just have faith in me will yer! 362 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,310 There is no way in a million years that she's gonna suspect... 363 00:23:28,474 --> 00:23:29,934 What's happened to my canary? 364 00:23:32,230 --> 00:23:33,576 On the other hand. 365 00:23:34,192 --> 00:23:35,191 What's up love? 366 00:23:35,429 --> 00:23:38,239 Listen to me, listen to me, if that thing's laid an egg I'm gonna kill you! 367 00:23:41,499 --> 00:23:45,683 - Look! - Well, he seems alright to me love! 368 00:23:45,856 --> 00:23:47,418 Yes, there's nothing wrong with him! 369 00:23:47,618 --> 00:23:50,067 Yeah look at him he's hopping about all over the place like a good 'un! 370 00:23:50,385 --> 00:23:53,590 Yeah, I know that, but when I woke up this morning he was dead! 371 00:24:10,259 --> 00:24:15,500 - I never did like that Corinne. - No, fancy chucking us out like that. 372 00:24:15,844 --> 00:24:18,171 Yeah, I mean what did she expect? 373 00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:22,464 How many decorating firms does she know that give you a free canary with every job? 374 00:24:23,992 --> 00:24:25,552 I shouldn't imagine there's many Del! 375 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:31,596 No. And was she satisfied? I said, was she satisfied? 376 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,830 - No! - No, of course she wasn't. 377 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 She was too upset weren't she? 378 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 That's why she was waiting for Denzil to come home! 379 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 She could of at least told us it was laying in state in the kitchen? 380 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 She wasn't there was she! That's why she left the note! 381 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 'Please do not go in the kitchen.' 382 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Look she ain't blaming us for the demise of Buzzby. 383 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I think what really got up her nose was 384 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 when she went to make a cup of coffee and flooded the kitchen! 385 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 She turned own my offer of a brand-new kettle! Didn't she? 386 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - Didn't have a tenner on her! - She could have paid on the weekly! 387 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - Are you alright Del? - Yeah, hello Brendan. 388 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Rodney? 389 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 D'you reckon he knows Del Boy? 390 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 No. Corinne's not the sort to broadcast it. 391 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I taught I taw a puddytat a cweeping up on me! 392 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Mouthy cow! 393 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I was talking to Eye-talian Louis, he told me he sold you a flea-bitten canary for 45 pounds. 394 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - 45? - What did I say then Del? 395 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 What did you say! 396 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Don't worry Del, I've taken over the job at Denzil's flat. 397 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 But it'll cost him a bit more now you amateurs have been playing around with it! 398 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Do you know what Rodney, if that Brendan wasn't so big, I'd give him a right seeing to! 399 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Yeah, so would I. 400 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Well you're as tall as he is, Rodney. 401 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Well you can't hit a man of that age can you. 402 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - You alright gents? How are you? - Oh, you must be the new governor? 403 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 That's right, Mike Fisher, pleased to meet you. 404 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Hello Mike, Del Trotter, people may have mentioned m. 405 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Yes they certainly have! 406 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Well I'm a popular character round these parts. 407 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 'Ere Mike, could you just tell me is it true that the brewery are gonna have this place decorated? 408 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Yeah, that's right, in the very near future. 409 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Is it also true that mouth almighty over there has got the contract? 410 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Well, let's say he's favourite, his estimate's by far the lowest. 411 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - How much is he doing it for? - Oh come on, it's confidential isn't it. 412 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 No, no it's not, no come on. Brendan and I, well I mean, we're like that! 413 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I don't suppose it matters who knows, he's bragging about it himself now. 414 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 He reckons he'll do it for a grand. 415 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 A grand? And who decides which estimate to accept? 416 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I do. 417 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Michael, could I have a word in your shell-like... 418 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son! 419 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 I could get this pub decorated to exactly the same standard as Brendan, 420 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 and it would cost your brewery a mere 2,000 pounds! 421 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Two thousand pounds? 422 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 That must be a tempting offer, eh, Rodney? 423 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Yeah, well, he's a born businessman ain't he? 424 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 No hang about, hang about - 425 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 look why should I turn down an offer of a thousand and except one of two thousand? 426 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Because of all the advantages it has to offer, 427 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 like my specialised profit-sharing scheme! Let me explain how it works. 428 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 The two thousand pounds would be dispersed thus: 429 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 there would be five hundred pounds for vous and five hundred pounds for me. 430 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 - What you mean I get 500 quid? - Oh yes! 431 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Yeah, and what happens to the thousand that's left over? 432 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 We give that to the Irishman and let him do then job! 433 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 You've got a deal Mr Trotter! 434 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Thank you Michael. 435 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:00,200 Can I have a word? Who's a pretty boy then?