1
00:00:38,447 --> 00:00:42,156
G--Granville, how do you spell
p--p--p--p--pepper?
2
00:00:42,327 --> 00:00:45,205
Is it six Ps or seven?
3
00:01:02,047 --> 00:01:05,244
Yes, I'm still stocking it,
but there doesn't seem to be
4
00:01:05,407 --> 00:01:07,967
a widespread
passion for treacle any more.
5
00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:11,199
It's gone the way of trams
and R--Reckett's Blue.
6
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,803
Well, how's retirement
suiting you, Freddy?
7
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,686
Oh, passable, passable.
I'm getting used to it.
8
00:01:17,847 --> 00:01:20,281
Well, you've had
a lot of training for it.
9
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:22,836
All them years at the Coal Board.
10
00:01:23,007 --> 00:01:26,317
I don't think I fancy
retirement meself, you know.
11
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,762
I w--wouldn't mind it for the first
six months,
12
00:01:28,927 --> 00:01:31,202
but I wouldn't like
to earn me living at it!
13
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:33,278
How's your daughter? The youngest.
14
00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:36,041
Gillian? Married an RAF officer.
15
00:01:36,207 --> 00:01:40,200
Oh, yes, always the one
for glamour and excitement!
16
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:43,564
Cheeky little minx!
What is she up to now, then?
17
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:45,285
Running a pub at Drifield.
18
00:01:45,447 --> 00:01:48,280
Oh, dear, is that
what the nuclear deterrent come to?
19
00:01:48,447 --> 00:01:50,438
I want a large pad of writing paper.
20
00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:53,041
You've been retired longer
than I thought
21
00:01:53,207 --> 00:01:56,279
if you've used up
all the C--Coal Board stationery already!
22
00:01:56,447 --> 00:01:59,439
Here you are, here's a nice one.
Look at that.
23
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:03,600
-- Have you nothing bigger?
-- Next size is a roll of wallpaper!
24
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:07,601
That'll do for a start. I'm going
to write me war memoirs.
25
00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:09,962
You'll need a p--packet of postcards!
26
00:02:10,127 --> 00:02:14,882
A View from the Home Front --
an absorbing personal record.
27
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:18,517
I was there, you know, the night
they bombed Tomlinson Street.
28
00:02:18,687 --> 00:02:21,884
I don't know what Göring
had against Tomlinson Street.
29
00:02:22,047 --> 00:02:24,720
Unless it was
that h--hygienic fisheries.
30
00:02:24,887 --> 00:02:27,924
Perhaps he found out about the shape
of Percy's chips!
31
00:02:28,087 --> 00:02:29,679
Hey, that'll be 43p. Come on.
32
00:02:29,847 --> 00:02:32,964
I feel it's a duty to record
it all for posterity.
33
00:02:33,127 --> 00:02:35,277
My entire role in the whole affair.
34
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:38,883
Yeah, well, I wondered why
you were up so early.
35
00:02:39,047 --> 00:02:41,800
What'll you do this afternoon?
World War III?
36
00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:43,639
It came to me in a dream.
37
00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:48,164
This voice said, "Freddy, why don't
you write your war memoirs?"
38
00:02:48,327 --> 00:02:51,160
Up to that,
I hadn't even thought of it.
39
00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:55,320
Well, you don't, do you? Did you
recognise the voice? Whose was it?
40
00:02:55,487 --> 00:02:57,478
At first I thought it must be God.
41
00:02:57,647 --> 00:03:00,002
Yes, well, you would
at that time of night.
42
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:03,523
But it turned out to be Mr Samuelson
from Gordon Street.
43
00:03:03,687 --> 00:03:06,281
What?
Him with the--the horse and cart?
44
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:10,520
I'm surprised you thought he was God
with the vocabulary he's got!
45
00:03:10,687 --> 00:03:14,157
Unless he was talking about
that place near Gomorrah.
46
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,478
-- Sodom.
-- That's what I say!
47
00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:20,478
Why don't we get a van?!
48
00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:23,365
What was that?
49
00:03:23,527 --> 00:03:27,759
Did you see it an' all? I think
this shop's haunted, Freddy.
50
00:03:27,927 --> 00:03:30,077
Every time we do a shop delivery
on the bike,
51
00:03:30,247 --> 00:03:33,717
this little angry figure appears,
clad all in off--white,
52
00:03:33,887 --> 00:03:35,525
rattling its cycle clips,
53
00:03:35,687 --> 00:03:39,362
moaning in an awful voice,
"Why don't we get a van?!"
54
00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:41,518
Well, why don't we get a van?
55
00:03:41,687 --> 00:03:44,645
Do you think I haven't
considered every factor?
56
00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:47,560
I've r--run it all through
the computer, you know.
57
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,366
It's gone through
this keen commercial brain
58
00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:53,678
which is linked through
ingenious circuits to me wallet!
59
00:03:54,687 --> 00:03:57,281
Pedalling wears out
the insides of your legs.
60
00:03:57,447 --> 00:04:01,520
I've always got the same answer --
keep Granville on two wheels!
61
00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:04,326
-- Me calves are getting all knotted.
-- Huh!
62
00:04:04,487 --> 00:04:07,479
Well, they are! They're getting
all big and horrible.
63
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:10,639
I daren't go swimming.
I look like a rickshaw coolie!
64
00:04:10,807 --> 00:04:14,561
Very embarrassing when you bulge
in a swimming costume!
65
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,843
I hope you don't expect me to deliver
this lot, do you?
66
00:04:19,007 --> 00:04:21,202
No. There's that lot over there, too.
67
00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:23,085
Oh, no!
68
00:04:39,207 --> 00:04:40,526
AHHHH !
69
00:04:48,887 --> 00:04:51,037
Is he out of danger yet, then?
70
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:54,199
I don't know.
He's back with the Gas Company.
71
00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:57,040
He's tried it before.
Took an overdose.
72
00:04:57,207 --> 00:04:58,845
Aye, of l--laxative!
73
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:03,205
Oh, dear, what a terrible way to go!
Or, at least, to k--keep going!
74
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:06,837
Well...he tried a bit harder
this time.
75
00:05:07,087 --> 00:05:10,602
He'd have done it an' all,
if his clothes line hadn't broke.
76
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:14,555
That's the trouble, they will
p--purchase from supermarkets!
77
00:05:14,727 --> 00:05:17,878
If he'd bought that, it's reinforced
all the way through.
78
00:05:18,047 --> 00:05:21,039
That wouldn't have let him down
at the last minute!
79
00:05:21,207 --> 00:05:23,516
-- And two pounds of King Edwards.
-- Right.
80
00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:25,405
(BELL)
Morning, Mrs Ellis.
81
00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:31,244
Morning. Hello, Vera, love.
Is there any more news about your...
82
00:05:31,407 --> 00:05:32,920
(MOUTHS)
83
00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:35,726
I'm still waiting for a bed.
84
00:05:36,887 --> 00:05:40,562
I see your Granville's stopped
going out with Pendleby's lass.
85
00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:43,844
Aye, he's another one
st--still waiting for a bed!
86
00:05:44,287 --> 00:05:45,959
Here you are, Missus.
87
00:05:48,687 --> 00:05:51,838
I'd better have a carrier,
Mr Arkwright.
88
00:05:52,007 --> 00:05:53,565
I think you'd b--better, yes.
89
00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:58,517
Did you see him from Harrison's
parked outside 87 again?!
90
00:05:58,687 --> 00:06:03,602
He does more with a gamy leg
than most blokes do with two!
91
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,156
They're all the same,
these short men.
92
00:06:06,327 --> 00:06:09,125
They're always having
to prove themselves!
93
00:06:09,287 --> 00:06:11,721
There was him
from the new housing estate.
94
00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:14,162
-- Napoleon.
-- I don't know what he were called,
95
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:17,797
but he always wore them fancy boots!
96
00:06:17,967 --> 00:06:22,358
Earnshaw.
Earnshaw, lived in East Field Road.
97
00:06:22,527 --> 00:06:25,280
Presumably after he escaped
from St Helena!
98
00:06:28,647 --> 00:06:32,799
-- Hey, you've weighed them! Why take one off?!
-- They've g--got heavier!
99
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:37,445
M--Must be the dust off the floor.
100
00:06:38,047 --> 00:06:41,642
-- You what?!
-- We're allowed to charge for dirt.
101
00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:43,206
Ask her at 87!
102
00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:51,406
There's a cold front
coming in from the Atlantic.
103
00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:54,604
You ought to g--get summat
warmer round your chest.
104
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:56,359
Like a hot shopkeeper.
105
00:06:56,527 --> 00:07:00,759
And what makes you think you're
more appealing than an extra vest?
106
00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:02,246
You're a bonny lass.
107
00:07:02,407 --> 00:07:06,082
If we don't get engaged soon,
I won't have time to explore all of you!
108
00:07:06,247 --> 00:07:08,238
Have you tried loosening your collar?
109
00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:13,276
No, no, no. What I want to do
is t--try loosening yours!
110
00:07:13,447 --> 00:07:17,486
You know, I've never looked down
a state registered nurse.
111
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:20,161
It's that shop that's doing it to you.
112
00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:22,602
You're stuck in there all day,
every day,
113
00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,919
breathing in that spicy mixture
of fire lighters and lavatory cleaners!
114
00:07:28,647 --> 00:07:33,198
Look, why d--don't we get engaged?
Then I could give you a discount.
115
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:37,246
We'll stop as we are, having a laugh
and you goosing me occasionally.
116
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,244
When I'm not looking!
117
00:07:41,287 --> 00:07:43,517
Hey, lass...do you know what?
118
00:07:43,687 --> 00:07:48,556
I'd like to see you in a red dress,
wi' a rose in your hair...
119
00:07:48,727 --> 00:07:50,524
doing a flamenco!
120
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:54,362
Oh, aye? And if we got married,
within 24 hours, you'd have me
121
00:07:54,527 --> 00:07:57,837
in an apron, with curlers in my hair,
doing a casserole!
122
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:02,845
By heck!
123
00:08:05,047 --> 00:08:08,926
Fancy the Americans p--paying
all that money for Disneyland
124
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:12,204
when they could have had
Marxism for nothing!
125
00:08:13,127 --> 00:08:15,800
It's supposed to be
the age of Women's Lib,
126
00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:18,686
I don't think
they've got the hang of it yet.
127
00:08:18,847 --> 00:08:20,838
I'm still waiting to be molested!
128
00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:26,961
The Extreme Left. That's all we ever
hear about, th--the Extreme Left!
129
00:08:27,127 --> 00:08:30,756
Funny expression, that, isn't it?
The Extreme...Left.
130
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,519
It's like a lot of leftovers.
131
00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:37,317
It's like all the little bits at the end of a party
that nobody wants.
132
00:08:37,487 --> 00:08:41,241
Come to think of it,
that's not far off the truth!
133
00:08:42,527 --> 00:08:46,236
I haven't even had a request played
on Family Favourites!
134
00:08:46,407 --> 00:08:50,161
It says here, "This smiling young
actress is tipped for stardom".
135
00:08:50,327 --> 00:08:53,683
You can see both her tips
quite distinctly!
136
00:08:56,047 --> 00:08:58,356
Do you realise how old I am?
137
00:08:58,527 --> 00:09:02,520
And the only thing I've handled
intimately was the Christmas turkey!
138
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,727
And that was frozen!
139
00:09:06,887 --> 00:09:08,923
Loosen your cap,
your head's steaming!
140
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:14,757
Happiness is a game for two players!
141
00:09:14,927 --> 00:09:19,921
You used to like trainspotting.
What happened to your trainspotting?
142
00:09:20,087 --> 00:09:22,396
I wish we'd still got an empire.
143
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:25,923
Yes. P--Pity they pulled that down,
weren't it?
144
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,401
I'd like to spend the monsoon season
with a Eurasian mistress.
145
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:34,798
You know, come back after a hard day
flogging the natives,
146
00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:37,435
and there she is...waiting.
147
00:09:37,607 --> 00:09:40,963
Yes, with almond eyes
and 83 relatives on the borrow!
148
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,641
It's not that I want to be
promiscuous.
149
00:09:44,807 --> 00:09:47,526
It is really, but I can't afford it!
150
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:50,759
I'd settle for one
nerve--tingling affair!
151
00:09:50,927 --> 00:09:55,284
Watch what you're doing with them chips!
They're 7p each now!
152
00:09:55,447 --> 00:10:00,840
Before I settle down, I'd like to
have a spot of colour in me life!
153
00:10:01,007 --> 00:10:04,397
When them coloured spots turn up,
you'll be sorry!
154
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:08,640
I'd like to tame some very spoiled,
very rich young woman!
155
00:10:08,807 --> 00:10:12,356
You know, "Heiress Elopes
with Shopkeeper's Assistant"!
156
00:10:12,527 --> 00:10:16,520
Is that what you want to be?
An international playboy on the Riviera?
157
00:10:16,687 --> 00:10:21,397
And throw up the only agency
round here for Vac--Sweep?
158
00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:24,598
You know what we both need?!
159
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:27,042
I know what I need -- a towel!
160
00:10:27,207 --> 00:10:29,163
-- Transport!
-- Rubbish!
161
00:10:29,327 --> 00:10:33,320
(BELL) You can pick up an old van
these days for a song!
162
00:10:33,487 --> 00:10:36,240
Yes, and guess whose wallet's
going to get laryngitis!
163
00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:42,638
You could get all your stuff
from the warehouse, not wait for deliveries.
164
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,684
I'm in no hurry.
165
00:10:45,527 --> 00:10:47,518
The nurse might go out with you more.
166
00:10:47,687 --> 00:10:51,566
Listen, you don--don't think I'm
going to buy a van just because...
167
00:10:54,647 --> 00:10:56,922
Why would the nurse
go out with me more?
168
00:10:57,087 --> 00:10:59,840
Because you could
take her out of the district!
169
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:03,044
She gets embarrassed round here.
People know you both.
170
00:11:03,207 --> 00:11:06,643
If you nip over to her place,
there are 40 pairs of beady eyes
171
00:11:06,807 --> 00:11:08,638
trained on her bedroom window.
172
00:11:08,807 --> 00:11:12,880
I don't know. It's cheaper
j--just to draw the curtains!
173
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:18,486
You won't have anything to draw them
for if you don't get transport!
174
00:11:18,647 --> 00:11:21,320
How old a van
do you think she'd go out in?
175
00:11:21,487 --> 00:11:23,921
I could do it up, you know,
make it nice inside.
176
00:11:24,087 --> 00:11:27,079
It'd need something in the back
for people to sit on.
177
00:11:27,247 --> 00:11:29,442
Like the mattress
in the spare bedroom!
178
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,086
That's disgusting!
179
00:11:31,247 --> 00:11:32,919
It'll need airing.
180
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:40,081
I'll look at me licence. I know I'm
allowed to drive groups A, B, C, D,
181
00:11:40,247 --> 00:11:43,398
but I'm not sure
about a mattress on wheels!
182
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:47,037
-- As long as it's under 15cwt.
-- Well, I certainly am!
183
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,722
But there's the nurse to think about
on top of me.
184
00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:58,679
We want something that goes
a long way on a gallon.
185
00:11:58,847 --> 00:12:02,806
I want something that goes
all the way on half a pint!
186
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:05,003
Aye, don't we all?!
187
00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:07,558
With almond eyes!
188
00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:14,277
Here's one! "Two owners,
African tan and melba."
189
00:12:14,447 --> 00:12:16,961
That sounds like three owners.
190
00:12:18,287 --> 00:12:21,404
-- That's the colour!
-- Well, that's very informative (!)
191
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,842
Well, it's the power of advertising.
192
00:12:24,007 --> 00:12:26,077
It's got to have an attractive name.
193
00:12:26,247 --> 00:12:30,718
You wouldn't spend £4 on a bottle
of perfume called "Sweaty Elbows"!
194
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:35,958
Hey, look at this!
"Recent new engine"!
195
00:12:36,127 --> 00:12:40,279
I'm not paying that! Where did they
get the engine from? C--Concorde?
196
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,558
I hope you're not going to shame me!
197
00:12:43,727 --> 00:12:47,766
I hope we won't be running about
in a banger that looks like a toilet!
198
00:12:49,087 --> 00:12:52,557
I d--don't know where you get
these jet--set attitudes from!
199
00:12:52,727 --> 00:12:55,036
Your mother was down to earth.
200
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:58,438
A bit too often for her own good,
but she meant well.
201
00:12:59,087 --> 00:13:03,365
Ah, you forget, nobody knows
who my father really was.
202
00:13:03,527 --> 00:13:07,839
-- Can I have a choc ice?
-- You know you can. You don't need to ask.
203
00:13:08,007 --> 00:13:09,838
Granville, orphan you may be,
204
00:13:10,007 --> 00:13:13,477
but I want you to know you've always
got a home here, lad.
205
00:13:13,647 --> 00:13:17,276
I mean, g--good times or bad,
whatever is mine is yours.
206
00:13:17,447 --> 00:13:21,599
Providing you put your money
straight in the till! Go on.
207
00:13:22,847 --> 00:13:26,396
I bet if my mother had lived,
my father would have come back.
208
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:30,879
Oh, yeah, in a big black car
with a big crest on the door?
209
00:13:31,047 --> 00:13:32,719
Aye, maybe.
210
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,196
West Riding Radio Taxis!
211
00:13:36,007 --> 00:13:37,599
Who did she go out with?
212
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:41,521
Well, there were
a lot of Ho--Ha--He--Hungarians
213
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,121
at the Miners' Ho--Ha--Hostel!
214
00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:45,606
There you are!
215
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:49,646
Some displaced aristocrat
fleeing from the revolution!
216
00:13:50,727 --> 00:13:54,083
You know what I want for my birthday?
A balalaika!
217
00:13:54,247 --> 00:13:58,126
All right. I'll see if I can get one
knitted for you.
218
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:05,397
Now listen,
you've made a 93p profit so far.
219
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,876
Are you going to put a pound in,
or not?
220
00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:11,164
No, I want you to put it in.
It's that spring clip. It's vicious!
221
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:16,886
(BELL)
222
00:14:17,047 --> 00:14:19,356
Nothing wrong with that!
223
00:14:19,887 --> 00:14:21,878
Hello, Eva, how are you?
224
00:14:22,047 --> 00:14:26,040
I want something for his tea.
Something fatal but untraceable.
225
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:30,637
I know, what about a b--bacon end?
That'll boil and come up sweet.
226
00:14:30,807 --> 00:14:32,604
Oh, I'll 'ave some fish fingers.
227
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:35,884
I get no end of pleasure watching him
eat fish fingers.
228
00:14:36,047 --> 00:14:38,436
It's like bingo.
I keep waiting for him
229
00:14:38,607 --> 00:14:40,837
to come up
with the winner of a bone!
230
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:42,725
Oh, thanks, Granville.
231
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:46,880
I like your Granville. He looks like
the kind of young man
232
00:14:47,047 --> 00:14:52,405
who's reckless enough to do something
desperate for the love of a woman!
233
00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:54,762
Eh, G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth,
go on.
234
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,725
Some apples in that warehouse
need polishing.
235
00:14:57,887 --> 00:15:00,720
I always have to go
when customers get interesting!
236
00:15:00,887 --> 00:15:03,959
-- Go on with you!
-- She warms my Hungarian blood!
237
00:15:04,127 --> 00:15:07,597
Don't melt that
all over the place, then! Clear off.
238
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:11,760
I've told you not to get him excited, Eva.
He's at a very funny age.
239
00:15:11,927 --> 00:15:14,725
He's reading everything
but the Grocer's Gazette!
240
00:15:14,887 --> 00:15:18,084
You mean that age
when men are difficult to live with?
241
00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:21,922
Starts when they're 14 and finishes
when they're at the crematorium!
242
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,476
That reminds me.
I need fire lighters.
243
00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:28,637
You're supposed to wait
till he's dead first!
244
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:34,044
Everybody keeps telling me
he's drinking himself to death,
245
00:15:34,207 --> 00:15:37,722
but I've come to the conclusion
they're just trying to cheer me up!
246
00:15:37,887 --> 00:15:39,400
Do you fancy an apple, Eva?
247
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:42,604
No, thanks, love.
He's loosened me that many teeth
248
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,962
that I'm much happier with a banana.
249
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:50,280
Here y'are.
250
00:15:50,447 --> 00:15:53,757
-- I was only kidding, love!
-- She was only kidding!
251
00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:59,524
Take it. I woke up with a powerful
urge to give someone a banana!
252
00:16:01,767 --> 00:16:05,555
You're a good lad, Granville.
I'll give you a big kiss in a minute!
253
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:24,321
Never mind, love. I'll make it up
to you when he's not looking.
254
00:16:25,847 --> 00:16:28,725
Don't be so awful with him!
255
00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:35,879
She wasn't only kidding,
but he has loosened all her teeth.
256
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:38,083
How will he feel
when he finds out
257
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:41,125
she's having an affair
with a banana magnate?
258
00:16:41,287 --> 00:16:45,565
She's very unhappy. I might
take her out one of these nights.
259
00:16:45,727 --> 00:16:50,278
Down the disco. And there's nothing
that you could say that would stop me.
260
00:16:50,447 --> 00:16:52,642
Her husband assaulted policemen.
261
00:16:52,807 --> 00:16:55,924
She's a married woman.
I can't go out with married women!
262
00:16:56,607 --> 00:16:59,280
Very moral, you Hungarians!
263
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:30,360
She's a great little workhorse.
I'll be sorry to say ta--ta to her.
264
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,916
Yeah, well, you n--needn't bother
at that price.
265
00:17:33,087 --> 00:17:37,080
Oh, no, we're not going to have
a boring argument about money?
266
00:17:37,247 --> 00:17:40,603
I'm not. I'll have an enjoyable
argument about money!
267
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,803
He means it an' all.
268
00:17:42,967 --> 00:17:46,880
The motor trade's gone to pieces!
Customers have no respect!
269
00:17:47,047 --> 00:17:51,040
675, he said. Naturally, I thought
that was the number plate!
270
00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:57,283
Tell your old uncle,
that is rock bottom for that.
271
00:18:00,887 --> 00:18:04,084
-- That is rock bottom...
-- Wash your mouth out!
272
00:18:04,247 --> 00:18:07,080
I didn't bring you up
to talk l--loosely about money!
273
00:18:07,407 --> 00:18:10,444
Close your eyes and think
of the mattress in the back!
274
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:16,319
You see, he's torn between these
powerful conflicting emotions.
275
00:18:16,487 --> 00:18:19,559
He'll soothe himself in a minute
by counting the change in the till!
276
00:18:29,487 --> 00:18:32,843
What are we arguing about?
A few pounds?
277
00:18:34,007 --> 00:18:36,999
You'll get a four--poster in the back
of that one!
278
00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:41,524
Um...we've got this bit of a gap.
279
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:45,965
I am asking six...five...five...
280
00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:48,402
and you are prepared to offer...?
281
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,080
120!
282
00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:56,765
Cash...and 14p for the bent bread.
283
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:01,559
I thought you were
a serious prospect.
284
00:19:01,727 --> 00:19:04,446
I mean, I only come round
to serious prospects!
285
00:19:04,607 --> 00:19:07,360
I could be in the showroom,
drinking coffee...
286
00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:09,916
undersealing the new typist!
287
00:19:10,927 --> 00:19:13,600
Bring us something nearer our price!
288
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,676
With plenty of room in the back!
289
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:55,799
Would you care to inspect
the interior woodwork?
290
00:19:56,527 --> 00:19:58,085
Hey, look!
291
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,796
Gives privacy!
292
00:20:20,647 --> 00:20:23,036
Well, w--w--what do you think?
293
00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:28,636
Tell you what, why don't you
leave it on approval?
294
00:20:28,807 --> 00:20:31,037
Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr Arkwright.
295
00:20:31,207 --> 00:20:32,526
Oh.
296
00:20:33,687 --> 00:20:35,882
Well...until tomorrow, maybe.
297
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:39,357
Good. That will enable me
to test its suitability...
298
00:20:39,527 --> 00:20:42,599
for a variety of retail purposes!
299
00:21:09,607 --> 00:21:12,565
Are you telling me
I'll never play again, Doctor?
300
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:16,641
We've tried everything in our power.
301
00:21:16,807 --> 00:21:18,126
The nerve's gone.
302
00:21:19,647 --> 00:21:21,000
I'm sorry.
303
00:21:21,167 --> 00:21:23,158
Oh, Godl
304
00:21:25,607 --> 00:21:28,280
I guess it's all up to you now,
Mrs Mortenson.
305
00:21:29,487 --> 00:21:35,722
-- But we've filed for a divorcel
-- He needs you, Mrs Mortensonl
306
00:21:35,887 --> 00:21:37,479
Yes!
(DOORBELL)
307
00:21:37,647 --> 00:21:40,957
-- Jim?
-- Is that you, Martha?
308
00:21:41,127 --> 00:21:44,597
Yes, Jim. It's me, Martha.
309
00:21:44,767 --> 00:21:47,520
-- It's me, Arkwright.
-- Go away!
310
00:21:47,687 --> 00:21:49,564
Oh, that's very nice of you (!)
311
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:51,718
Oh, come in! Shut the door!
312
00:21:55,087 --> 00:21:56,839
(TV) Hasn't he, Doctor?
313
00:21:57,007 --> 00:22:00,795
I've got j--jam
all over me warehouse coat!
314
00:22:00,967 --> 00:22:02,400
Be quiet!
315
00:22:02,567 --> 00:22:04,239
It's mince.
316
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:06,602
You'll never sell your piano, Jiml
317
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:08,519
You're going to practise, Jiml
318
00:22:08,687 --> 00:22:14,000
Practice till you're the first
one--handed pianist in the whole worldl
319
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,486
Ahh!
320
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:18,559
I've got mince
all over me warehouse coat.
321
00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,046
Oh!
322
00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:22,637
You know, I could do with you,
Arkwright,
323
00:22:22,807 --> 00:22:26,322
but you will trample down the few
romantic illusions I've got left!
324
00:22:26,487 --> 00:22:29,285
You say that to me, the s--spirit
of eternal springtime?!
325
00:22:29,447 --> 00:22:32,996
Come, not only to offer you
my affection,
326
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:35,727
but the chance of a g--grapple
in the new vehicle!
327
00:22:35,887 --> 00:22:39,721
You've finally lashed out
on some transport?
328
00:22:39,887 --> 00:22:41,878
It w--wasn't easy.
329
00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:45,676
-- You'd better have a cup of tea.
-- I'd sooner have a...
330
00:22:45,847 --> 00:22:49,635
I know what you'd sooner have!
But you're getting a cup of tea.
331
00:22:49,807 --> 00:22:54,119
Well, well, well,
the new mobile Arkwright!
332
00:22:54,287 --> 00:22:57,518
Yes, c--come to invite you
for a nocturnal spin.
333
00:22:57,687 --> 00:23:01,600
Spin? Oh, if you're taking me out,
you're taking me out!
334
00:23:01,767 --> 00:23:04,839
It'll cost money. We'll have a meal
and a bottle of wine...
335
00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:06,645
The way I feel about you,
336
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:10,197
I could go it on half a lager
and a s--salted peanut!
337
00:23:11,567 --> 00:23:12,886
Well, I couldn't!
338
00:23:13,047 --> 00:23:16,562
You've got some ground to cover
before you get me up a country lane!
339
00:23:16,727 --> 00:23:20,720
I got a bit of ground to cover
after I get you up there an' all!
340
00:23:21,287 --> 00:23:23,278
-- So it's a meal, is it?
-- Yes.
341
00:23:23,447 --> 00:23:25,165
That's your last word, is it?
342
00:23:25,327 --> 00:23:29,957
No, me last words will be, "Get your
hand off there. That's far enough!"
343
00:23:30,127 --> 00:23:33,642
But that's me position so far,
take it or leave it.
344
00:23:38,687 --> 00:23:41,201
-- Well?
-- Well, I'm thinking about it.
345
00:23:41,367 --> 00:23:42,925
What's to think about?
346
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:47,080
Well, if I buy half a bottle of wine,
couldn't you do some sandwiches?
347
00:23:47,527 --> 00:23:50,280
Get out!
Get out of my house, Arkwright!
348
00:23:50,447 --> 00:23:52,438
All right, I'll buy you a meal, then.
349
00:23:52,607 --> 00:23:54,484
Oh, you romantic fool!
350
00:23:54,647 --> 00:23:57,798
Oh, I love the way your eyes flash
when you get mad.
351
00:23:57,967 --> 00:23:59,685
I must be trying to civilise you.
352
00:24:01,727 --> 00:24:04,116
I say one thing for you,
you're not much trouble.
353
00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:08,041
You've got wandering hands,
but I've only got to shout "Burglars"
354
00:24:08,207 --> 00:24:11,597
and they're back round your wallet
like greased lightning!
355
00:24:11,767 --> 00:24:14,440
I'll take Mother her tea.
She must be parched.
356
00:24:16,007 --> 00:24:19,841
(GUNFIGHT ON TV)
Who'll sit with her when we're out?
357
00:24:20,007 --> 00:24:21,804
C--Can't Randolph Scott do it?
358
00:24:21,967 --> 00:24:25,198
Anyway, with all that noise,
I see no reason to go out.
359
00:24:25,367 --> 00:24:27,676
Why don't we stay in
and save the petrol?
360
00:24:27,847 --> 00:24:30,407
Gunfire's one thing,
but the first creak of a settee
361
00:24:30,567 --> 00:24:33,127
and she'll be banging
on the wall with her stick!
362
00:24:33,287 --> 00:24:35,357
Here you are, Mother.
Here's your tea.
363
00:24:38,647 --> 00:24:42,196
Hey, was your Granville all right
when you left him?
364
00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:43,880
How do you mean?
365
00:24:44,047 --> 00:24:47,562
Well, I was just looking out the window
and right outside your shop,
366
00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:49,843
there's this
great, big, black, old...
367
00:24:50,567 --> 00:24:52,603
-- You haven't, have you?
-- Well...
368
00:24:52,767 --> 00:24:55,998
-- You wouldn't!
-- Well, the p--p--price was right.
369
00:24:56,567 --> 00:25:00,037
Get out, you great stingy dogsbody!
370
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:03,324
You needn't think
you're taking me out in that!
371
00:25:03,487 --> 00:25:08,242
I know I'll be laid in one some day,
but not till it's necessary!
372
00:25:16,327 --> 00:25:19,956
What did I tell you?! She said
she wouldn't be seen dead in it!
373
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,965
You'd better get the garage on
the blower, see what else they have.
374
00:25:27,287 --> 00:25:29,642
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
375
00:25:35,287 --> 00:25:37,676
Hello, Arkwight's.
376
00:25:37,847 --> 00:25:42,637
Hello, Auntie Lily. No, no, he's gone
out for a ride in the new van.
377
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:46,117
Eh? No. No, it's not on business.
378
00:25:46,287 --> 00:25:50,246
His old trouble has reared up
and he's going to get medical attention.
379
00:25:50,407 --> 00:25:52,557
If he plays his cards right!
380
00:25:53,607 --> 00:25:56,121
(GIGGLING )
381
00:25:57,367 --> 00:26:02,236
-- That wine's gone to me legs!
-- I think I'll j--j--join it!
382
00:26:06,087 --> 00:26:10,638
(ARKWRIGHT) Hey! You've got your foot
in me pocket!
383
00:26:11,967 --> 00:26:15,801
I'm terribly sorry,
I'd hate to crush your wallet (!)
384
00:26:15,967 --> 00:26:21,439
Ow! Oh, eh, c--could you get
th--that leg in there first?
385
00:26:22,727 --> 00:26:25,195
'Ey, m--mind
where you're putting your feet...
386
00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:27,517
..you'll dirty the roof!
387
00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:30,677
(THUDS AND BANGS)
388
00:26:30,847 --> 00:26:35,045
If you're going to hold me there,
would you blow on your fingers?
389
00:26:35,207 --> 00:26:37,277
(THUMP)
390
00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:42,604
D--Don't move your knee! Whatever
you d--do, d--don't move that knee!
391
00:26:44,607 --> 00:26:47,201
This is ridiculous!
392
00:26:47,367 --> 00:26:50,165
G--Give it a chance,
we haven't started yet!
393
00:26:50,327 --> 00:26:53,046
Why couldn't you
have got something bigger?
394
00:26:53,207 --> 00:26:56,005
Would you care
to reph--phrase that, please?!
395
00:26:56,807 --> 00:27:01,562
Ow! Oh...Oh, take me home!
It's worse than traction!
396
00:27:01,727 --> 00:27:03,957
It's just the wheel arch, that's all!
397
00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:08,518
Whole generations have been
brought up on obstacles like this!
398
00:27:08,687 --> 00:27:12,123
Heavens, what bliss, just you and me
and the wheel arch (!)
399
00:27:12,287 --> 00:27:13,879
Take me home!
400
00:27:14,047 --> 00:27:15,605
W--What's in it for me?
401
00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:17,325
A cup of cocoa!
402
00:27:17,487 --> 00:27:20,320
I h--hope there's plenty
of sugar in it!
403
00:27:27,687 --> 00:27:29,882
I'll kill that Granville!
404
00:27:30,047 --> 00:27:32,242
Him and his vans!
405
00:27:32,807 --> 00:27:35,162
This one goes back tomorrow!
406
00:27:35,927 --> 00:27:39,681
Hey, how do you fancy
a cuddle on the shop bike?
407
00:27:39,847 --> 00:27:41,326
Ohhh!
408
00:27:48,687 --> 00:27:53,807
Just shows you, don't it? Beware
of l--large ambitions in small vans.
409
00:27:55,527 --> 00:27:58,360
I thought I'd pulled it off
this time.
410
00:27:59,047 --> 00:28:01,356
Fortunately, it's only bruised.
411
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,486
So, it's back to my lonely bed.
412
00:28:07,807 --> 00:28:10,162
I enjoyed that goodnight kiss,
though.
413
00:28:10,327 --> 00:28:14,957
She's got a lot of Eastern promise
behind that faint flavour of cocoa.
414
00:28:17,087 --> 00:28:18,964
Rotten little vanl
415
00:28:20,247 --> 00:28:22,238
Good place to park, though.
416
00:28:22,407 --> 00:28:26,878
Just over the hump of her knee
and sharp left at the first suspenderl