1
00:00:31,087 --> 00:00:33,396
Oh, dear, all over the pavement!
2
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,683
Sh--Shovel, Granville!
3
00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:54,044
(CLANKING )
4
00:01:15,647 --> 00:01:18,161
Stop or I'll f--f--f--f... !
5
00:01:26,927 --> 00:01:28,326
By heck!
6
00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:37,519
Did you see 'em?
7
00:01:38,847 --> 00:01:40,360
Only very briefly.
8
00:01:40,527 --> 00:01:43,803
-- What were they like?
-- Beautiful!
9
00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:46,242
One were bigger than the other!
10
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:50,757
Arkwright, what are you doing,
you fool?!
11
00:01:50,927 --> 00:01:54,078
Oh, nothing, my love!
I'm free if you are.
12
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:02,196
Well, what are you st--staring at?
13
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,358
Hello, Granville.
14
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:11,520
Hello, Maureen!
What can I get you?
15
00:02:11,687 --> 00:02:15,202
I want an instant pud for me sister.
She's gone mad on 'em.
16
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:18,120
We'd better put them
on the dangerous drugs list!
17
00:02:18,287 --> 00:02:21,757
Long time, no see.
This time last year.
18
00:02:21,927 --> 00:02:23,838
Yeah, I expect you've been busy.
19
00:02:24,007 --> 00:02:26,805
-- Not all that busy.
-- Well, fairly busy.
20
00:02:26,967 --> 00:02:30,721
-- I've been away for a while.
-- I'm not surprised.
21
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:35,242
I've often thought about you,
Granville.
22
00:02:35,407 --> 00:02:36,840
Any special reason?
23
00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:38,645
A very special reason.
24
00:02:38,807 --> 00:02:41,526
Do you remember Elsie's party?
25
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,756
Did I go to Elsie's party?
26
00:02:46,927 --> 00:02:50,363
Oh, come on, Granville, don't tell me
you don't remember?
27
00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:54,725
Well, the drink was flowing. Three
glasses of wine and I'm anybody's.
28
00:02:54,887 --> 00:02:56,878
You were mine at Elsie's party.
29
00:02:57,727 --> 00:02:59,683
We got...very close.
30
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:04,076
We must meet some time
and discuss the future.
31
00:03:04,247 --> 00:03:06,158
Uh--huh. Choo--choo--choo.
32
00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:08,716
What do you think of our Eric, then?
33
00:03:14,007 --> 00:03:15,360
Our Eric?
34
00:03:15,527 --> 00:03:17,199
The baby.
35
00:03:17,367 --> 00:03:19,164
Who do you think he's like?
36
00:03:19,327 --> 00:03:20,646
Ko jak!
37
00:03:22,287 --> 00:03:26,075
Look at me, standing round
when I've got...all me ironing to finish!
38
00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:30,126
I think that's what did it, the way
you'll do anything for a laugh.
39
00:03:30,287 --> 00:03:32,517
It's good you've got
a sense of humour.
40
00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:37,078
I used to say, "That Granville,
I wonder what he'll be up to next!"
41
00:03:37,247 --> 00:03:41,126
Sshh! Sshh, you shouldn't go round
mentioning names!
42
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:45,041
Why ever not? I've told everybody
how you made me laugh.
43
00:03:45,207 --> 00:03:46,526
Everybody?!
44
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,406
And what have you been doing
with yourself lately?
45
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:55,640
I've just been trying to think.
I'd swear it were nothing serious!
46
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,876
But what about me instant pudding?
47
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,039
This is no time for regrets, Maureen.
48
00:04:13,607 --> 00:04:15,563
G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth!
49
00:04:21,047 --> 00:04:25,757
D--Do you have to g--gallop in
as if your sh--shirt's on fire?!
50
00:04:25,927 --> 00:04:28,202
I didn't know you were
working on the door!
51
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:32,360
Well, I am! Th--This door here.
I hope you've m--made a note of that.
52
00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:34,324
-- This one here!
-- Right!
53
00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:36,876
The one I've just c--closed
with me nose!
54
00:04:37,047 --> 00:04:38,560
What are you doing, anyway?
55
00:04:38,727 --> 00:04:40,877
What? Apart from bleeding, you mean?
56
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:44,926
Stop making such a fuss.
It's OK. It's just red, that's all.
57
00:04:45,087 --> 00:04:47,123
Red? Come 'ere, let's have a look.
58
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,996
Oh, dear! You've r--ruined me chances
with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel!
59
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:54,716
-- She'll think I'm a di--di--di...
-- So you are!
60
00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:58,318
-- A what?
-- A dirty old man!
61
00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:02,400
I'm trying to say dipsomaniac!
Let me finish!
62
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:05,240
You never had any chances with her.
63
00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:09,400
We're just waiting for f--favourable
circumstances, happier times,
64
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:11,523
like when her mother dies!
65
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:15,236
Why does the nurse always act
as though she can't stand you?
66
00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:18,683
It's a woman's way.
You wouldn't understand.
67
00:05:18,847 --> 00:05:22,317
You shouldn't discourage me
from these discussions!
68
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:26,321
I'd like to ask you all sorts
of questions about life.
69
00:05:26,487 --> 00:05:29,399
Like why are you so mean
when it comes to money?
70
00:05:29,567 --> 00:05:34,357
Granville, just remember that under
the British p--punitive tax system,
71
00:05:34,527 --> 00:05:37,803
a pound in the pocket
is worth three at the accountants!
72
00:05:37,967 --> 00:05:42,916
Could you become a father without
noticing after some wine at a party?
73
00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:47,285
No, I could not, because I d--don't
d--drink wine at parties.
74
00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:49,119
And if you take my...
75
00:05:49,287 --> 00:05:50,800
WHAT PARTY?!
76
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:54,562
No, no, no party!
Just a hypothetical question, isn't it?
77
00:05:56,327 --> 00:05:59,319
-- Where have you been?!
-- I haven't been anywhere!
78
00:05:59,487 --> 00:06:01,796
-- That you can remember!
-- That I can remember!
79
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:05,039
I've been waiting for this to happen!
I knew it would!
80
00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:07,118
I've seen you m--mooning about!
81
00:06:07,287 --> 00:06:09,357
You've been miles away, haven't you?
82
00:06:09,527 --> 00:06:12,280
That's all fine in the shop,
but there are some jobs
83
00:06:12,447 --> 00:06:14,915
where it pays
to remember what you're doing!
84
00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:46,802
-- It wasn't her, was it?
-- No!
85
00:06:46,967 --> 00:06:48,639
Thank God for that!
86
00:06:48,807 --> 00:06:51,241
I'd never have believed
you'd be such a fool!
87
00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:55,605
If anybody asked, I'd have sworn
blind you were still unsoiled.
88
00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:58,520
I'd have sworn blind
I was still unsoiled!
89
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:02,566
If you'd seen the hours I've spent
trying to get soiled, and nothing!
90
00:07:02,727 --> 00:07:05,366
Then it happens
while me back's turned!
91
00:07:06,767 --> 00:07:09,156
It can't happen
when your back's turned.
92
00:07:09,327 --> 00:07:11,477
That's an anatomical impossibility!
93
00:07:12,407 --> 00:07:15,205
Anyway, spare me
the s--sordid details!
94
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:17,358
I don't know the details!
95
00:07:18,807 --> 00:07:21,002
I must've been born
under an unlucky star!
96
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:25,558
Quite possible, the nights your
mother spent in Clayburn's haystack!
97
00:07:26,607 --> 00:07:30,839
Trust me to find I'd been instructed
in pleasure when I wasn't looking.
98
00:07:31,007 --> 00:07:33,202
Come and hold this door, come on.
99
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:37,201
If you'll take my advice,
you'll do the right thing.
100
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:39,881
-- What's that?
-- Deny everything vigorously!
101
00:07:40,047 --> 00:07:42,402
You're not putting another bolt
on the door?!
102
00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:45,001
I know where I should be
putting a bolt on!
103
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:48,125
For the moment,
I'm putting it on this door!
104
00:07:48,327 --> 00:07:50,283
You've got 22 on there already.
105
00:07:50,447 --> 00:07:52,756
I don't want the b--burglars
in here again!
106
00:07:52,927 --> 00:07:55,566
I have to open this door
every morning!
107
00:07:55,727 --> 00:07:59,197
By the time I've finished,
I'm pooped for the rest of the day!
108
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,323
Watch your language!
109
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:04,206
Just because you think
you're the ph--phantom parent!
110
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:07,325
I will not have you throwing
your weight about!
111
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:12,436
I've an idea -- tonight,
if I wake you up every half hour,
112
00:08:12,607 --> 00:08:14,837
how--how loud do you think
you could bark?
113
00:08:19,607 --> 00:08:22,405
It's funny how you can suddenly
ruin your life.
114
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:24,956
Mind you, I've been trying for ages.
115
00:08:25,487 --> 00:08:30,766
The trouble is, being open all hours,
I don't get out enough.
116
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,725
So when I did get out,
that night at Elsie's party,
117
00:08:33,887 --> 00:08:35,559
I must have gone mad.
118
00:08:35,727 --> 00:08:38,480
Funny, the only thing
I can remember clearly
119
00:08:38,647 --> 00:08:42,401
is playing a few hands at this
Monopoly school in the conservatory.
120
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:47,038
I bought property in Soho!
I should have been warned.
121
00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:49,925
Eat your chips.
122
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:53,443
I don't want them. They're cold.
And I've got no appetite.
123
00:08:53,607 --> 00:08:57,441
I feel as though I've got
this hard lump right in here!
124
00:08:57,607 --> 00:09:01,680
Well, you've eaten your beefburger,
now eat your chips!
125
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,964
It's not beefburger, it's guilt!
126
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:07,846
I should think you d--do feel guilty!
127
00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:13,003
A young life wasted because
of my lust for elderberry wine!
128
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:18,719
I'm talking about wasting them lovely
chips! Look at that one there.
129
00:09:18,887 --> 00:09:20,923
Here I am suffering
an emotional crisis,
130
00:09:21,087 --> 00:09:23,203
and all you can say
is "Eat your chips"!
131
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:27,201
That's the soundest advice
you'll ever get for an emotional crisis.
132
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,439
There's all them over--privileged
society neurotic women
133
00:09:30,607 --> 00:09:34,316
-- lying on psychiatrists...
-- You what?!
134
00:09:34,487 --> 00:09:37,923
Psychiatrists' couches!
Let me finish my words, please!
135
00:09:38,087 --> 00:09:41,841
And the best thing for them
would be a plateful of chips!
136
00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:44,885
It never happens in great literature
like that!
137
00:09:45,047 --> 00:09:48,119
You never see Hamlet coming on,
wringing his hands,
138
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:51,962
saying "To be or not to be"
and a voice yelling, "Eat your chips!"
139
00:09:56,047 --> 00:09:59,039
Oh, dear!
G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth!
140
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,600
W--What are you supposed
to be doing now?
141
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,406
I thought I might
change my personality.
142
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:17,839
You will if you keep walking
into them handlebars!
143
00:10:19,087 --> 00:10:23,797
Would you clean this nameplate?
Me name's Arkwright, not Darkwright!
144
00:10:23,967 --> 00:10:29,837
These are all right outside, it's in
here, the Land of the 40--Watt Bulb!
145
00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:32,680
Well, I believe in saving energy.
146
00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:35,122
I wish you believed in saving mine!
147
00:10:35,287 --> 00:10:39,246
From what I've heard of you lately,
you're not fervent about it yourself!
148
00:10:39,407 --> 00:10:43,195
-- I watched it happening.
-- More than I did!
149
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,403
I saw it going off the rails.
150
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:49,037
It all started when we had
B--Bee--Bee--Bee B--B--Bee Bee...
151
00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:53,405
It's no good. You know
I can't understand Morse code!
152
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:57,682
I'm trying to say B--B--BBC2!
153
00:10:57,847 --> 00:11:03,126
Look, there's two ways that a young
man can go wrong in this life.
154
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:06,085
Crime and higher education.
155
00:11:06,247 --> 00:11:07,805
I don't know which is worse.
156
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:11,880
At least a criminal can get time off
for good behaviour.
157
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:15,756
But with BBC 2... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
158
00:11:15,927 --> 00:11:20,717
Well, I've got to change me life.
I can't stay like this forever.
159
00:11:20,887 --> 00:11:23,799
I mean, how can you look
debonair in a pinny?!
160
00:11:23,967 --> 00:11:29,087
I saw the way things were going when you put
r--racing transfers on your cycle clips!
161
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:36,756
I noticed when Sean Connery left,
the trouble they had finding a new Bond,
162
00:11:36,927 --> 00:11:39,236
I never heard
my name whispered about.
163
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:43,320
I bet they never said,
"Why don't we get Granville?"
164
00:11:43,487 --> 00:11:46,957
All I ever get is,
"Granville, f--fetch your cloth!"
165
00:11:48,087 --> 00:11:54,686
Listen, just mount your powerful, single--seater,
gleaming black, sinister machine,
166
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,599
Double--0 heck?!
167
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:59,486
Get these deliveries off round the town.
168
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:02,161
Take that biological
whatsit to Fingle Street.
169
00:12:02,327 --> 00:12:07,276
See if we can aid Mrs Jarvis in her
h--hunt for the ultimate detergent.
170
00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:09,403
Can't I wait until it's dark?
171
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:13,037
Oh, and you'd better knock loudly
at Mrs Hemingway's.
172
00:12:13,207 --> 00:12:16,563
You know how busy she'll be
if that decorator's still in.
173
00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:20,436
Oh, if Mrs Ogden gets a bit polite,
just watch it.
174
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,201
It means she's trying
to get out of paying.
175
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:28,441
Then hurry back here. We've got
to make this door burglar--proof an' all.
176
00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:48,840
How long have you had a dog?
I've never seen a dog!
177
00:12:49,007 --> 00:12:51,680
Th--That's because it moves
like a panther.
178
00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:54,680
We keep it in the back, in here...
179
00:12:54,847 --> 00:12:58,476
in a den cunningly constructed
out of b--baked bean tins.
180
00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:01,878
The whole floor is strewn
with human remains.
181
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,197
And sc--schoolboys caps!
182
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,245
WOOF WOOF WOOF! Get down! Get down!
183
00:13:09,927 --> 00:13:11,963
WOOF! Get down!
184
00:13:13,687 --> 00:13:15,006
What's his name?
185
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:16,566
I don't know his name.
186
00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:20,561
I've never been able to get
near enough to read his collar.
187
00:13:21,687 --> 00:13:25,396
-- You haven't got a dog.
-- Listen...
188
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,161
Why aren't y--you at school?
189
00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:31,558
-- I've got chickenpox.
-- Oh, get out! Get out!
190
00:13:51,527 --> 00:13:54,325
I don't need waiting on,
Mr Arkwright.
191
00:13:54,487 --> 00:13:56,478
My pleasure, Gladys Emmanuel.
192
00:13:56,647 --> 00:13:58,399
We all know that!
193
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:03,323
Tell me, what would you
in the m--medical profession
194
00:14:03,487 --> 00:14:05,159
recommend for a love bite?
195
00:14:07,727 --> 00:14:09,240
Your own teeth!
196
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,121
(HISSING )
197
00:14:35,687 --> 00:14:38,360
You look like a Japanese fighter pilot.
198
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,882
Been cycling round Pearl Harbor again?
199
00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:46,362
No, me chain came off.
Mrs Ogden let me wash me hands.
200
00:14:46,527 --> 00:14:48,722
-- Hope you got the money!
-- Yes, yes.
201
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,606
Come on.
I told you, get it in the till!
202
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:56,602
You must regard the pound note
as a little fish out of water.
203
00:14:56,767 --> 00:15:00,601
Common decency demands
that you get it as quickly as you can
204
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,280
into its little aquarium.
205
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:07,525
If you're risking that vicious
spring clip, I don't want to look!
206
00:15:07,687 --> 00:15:10,406
Don't be daft,
you only have to j--jiggle it a bit!
207
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:17,807
One of these days,
your reactions will get slower.
208
00:15:17,967 --> 00:15:21,596
Do you want your fingers
burying or cremating?
209
00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:25,760
I want them round your earhole
if you don't do something in this shop!
210
00:15:25,927 --> 00:15:27,246
Get the bike in!
211
00:15:27,967 --> 00:15:29,958
"Get the bike in" (!)
212
00:15:31,927 --> 00:15:33,679
"Beware the dog"? What dog?
213
00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:37,920
You don't n--need a dog.
You only need a sign.
214
00:15:38,087 --> 00:15:41,204
It deters them.
That'll keep the burglars away!
215
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,403
Everybody knows we haven't got a dog!
216
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,797
Sshh! We have! Woof woof woof!
217
00:15:47,287 --> 00:15:50,006
If they want to break in,
that won't stop 'em!
218
00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:51,919
It'll make 'em think twice.
219
00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:54,726
Oh, yes (!) I can see them outside saying,
220
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:58,675
"Oh, no, Charlie, don't go in!
We'll be mauled by a big ugly sign!"
221
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:04,315
We'll just have to think
of something more convincing.
222
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:35,124
(NURSE) Sheer medical poetry!
Coronary in motion.
223
00:16:35,727 --> 00:16:37,922
Has he got any vascular history?
224
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,527
I don't think he's got any O Levels.
225
00:16:45,927 --> 00:16:49,476
-- What does he think he's doing?
-- I've got no idea.
226
00:16:49,647 --> 00:16:52,320
He said he were going out
to borrow something.
227
00:16:52,487 --> 00:16:56,639
-- Not to buy anything?
-- No, he wasn't upset enough.
228
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,000
You can laugh,
229
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:26,604
but I'll be on guard tonight
so you can s--sleep safe in your bed.
230
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:30,437
Come to think of it, I can arrange it
231
00:17:30,607 --> 00:17:32,962
so we c--can both sleep safe
in your bed!
232
00:17:49,647 --> 00:17:51,319
Oh, thank you.
233
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:58,166
M--Me hand's still shaking, but I've
got the hang of it. It knows who's master.
234
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,204
Certainly looked like it.
235
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,403
It's all in the t--t--tone of voice.
236
00:18:02,567 --> 00:18:05,001
Yeah, it was all in yours --
blind panic!
237
00:18:06,527 --> 00:18:08,597
All right,
don't crit there siticising.
238
00:18:12,527 --> 00:18:14,995
It's me who had to risk
l--life and limb.
239
00:18:16,527 --> 00:18:18,040
Where did you get it?
240
00:18:18,207 --> 00:18:21,597
C--Cooper's Kennels have got it
for the weekend. (DOG BARKS)
241
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,885
I feel safer knowing
it's walking about in the shop.
242
00:18:26,047 --> 00:18:29,039
There'll be no one wandering round
behind my counter now.
243
00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:31,880
-- (BARK)
-- Not even me!
244
00:18:33,607 --> 00:18:37,486
-- What does it eat?
-- People, I hope!
245
00:18:39,247 --> 00:18:41,363
Flaming b--burglars!
246
00:18:46,927 --> 00:18:49,282
(SNARLS AND BARKS)
247
00:18:56,807 --> 00:18:58,206
Get off!
248
00:19:02,807 --> 00:19:04,126
Look, sir...
249
00:19:04,527 --> 00:19:07,439
(TINKLE AS COIN HITS GROUND )
250
00:19:19,727 --> 00:19:22,036
(GROWLS)
251
00:19:28,327 --> 00:19:31,399
22p. Thank you, Mrs Smith.
252
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:35,799
Don't forget to tell your friends
about Arkwright's budget prices...
253
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,801
(BARKING ) ..and the ferocious
wild dog we've got at the back!
254
00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,242
Thank you very much.
255
00:19:42,407 --> 00:19:44,762
Get down, I've told you, lad! Go on!
256
00:19:44,927 --> 00:19:46,440
(BARKING CONTINUES)
257
00:19:46,607 --> 00:19:49,644
Ah, Mrs Brocklesby, the usual?
258
00:19:49,807 --> 00:19:52,002
Yes? It always is, isn't it?
259
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:55,557
Two pints of extra strong
exportable...
260
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:57,877
and an ounce of black shag.
261
00:19:58,047 --> 00:19:59,366
There we are.
262
00:19:59,527 --> 00:20:02,439
Now, then, anything for Mr Brocklesby
this evening?
263
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,725
No. Is he...is he all right
for knitting patterns?
264
00:20:06,887 --> 00:20:09,481
All right, thank you very much.
265
00:20:09,647 --> 00:20:10,966
Goodbye.
266
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,038
(BARKING ) You naughty dog!
267
00:20:21,647 --> 00:20:23,478
(BARKS)
268
00:20:24,647 --> 00:20:26,638
Good, in't it? Lifelike.
269
00:20:27,687 --> 00:20:30,076
Hope you haven't rubbed
my soul music off.
270
00:20:30,247 --> 00:20:32,203
No, that's on the other track.
271
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:35,484
In my young day, when someone
had something on his sole,
272
00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:37,524
he was expected to scrape it off!
273
00:20:40,287 --> 00:20:42,596
I don't know
why you didn't keep the dog.
274
00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:46,237
He was eating a cubic yard
of dog meat every day!
275
00:20:46,407 --> 00:20:48,557
Have you seen the price
of that stuff?!
276
00:20:48,727 --> 00:20:52,003
Cheaper to let the burglars in
once a week to help themselves!
277
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:55,682
That's my tape recorder
and I'd like it back.
278
00:20:55,847 --> 00:20:57,997
I often play something in my room.
279
00:20:58,167 --> 00:21:01,000
It's what you play in other people's
rooms that worries me!
280
00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:04,921
It's fine for you, but I'm very young
to have such responsibility.
281
00:21:05,087 --> 00:21:07,647
I'm not even going
to consider that remark!
282
00:21:07,807 --> 00:21:12,039
Just get outside and find that money
I d--dropped on the p--pavement.
283
00:21:12,207 --> 00:21:15,756
-- It's pitch dark!
-- Listen, with inflation as it is,
284
00:21:15,927 --> 00:21:19,442
it won't be worth looking for
if we don't find it before morning!
285
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:50,320
(WOOF!)
286
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:09,356
You'll have to be a b--bit more awake
if we're to catch these b--burglars!
287
00:22:09,527 --> 00:22:11,643
There, now then!
288
00:22:17,687 --> 00:22:20,963
I'd like to see anyone
g--getting through that in the dark
289
00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:23,766
without getting
his c--conscience pricked!
290
00:22:26,207 --> 00:22:28,516
But there's only the two of us.
291
00:22:28,687 --> 00:22:32,396
We can't guard it all.
There's not only the shop to look after.
292
00:22:32,567 --> 00:22:36,321
There's the pavement where you think
you might have lost a shilling!
293
00:22:36,487 --> 00:22:39,684
There's no m--might about it.
I know when I've lost a shilling!
294
00:22:39,847 --> 00:22:43,806
Me pulse races
and I have difficulty in breathing.
295
00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:46,561
-- Anyhow, it's my night off.
-- I'm not stopping you.
296
00:22:46,727 --> 00:22:51,164
I'm going to do eight to 12,
and you'll do 12 to eight.
297
00:22:51,327 --> 00:22:53,204
You can't be fairer than that.
298
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:02,999
What happens in the morning
if you find someone hanging there?
299
00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:06,125
I shall make a th--thorough
examination of the body
300
00:23:06,287 --> 00:23:08,960
to see there's nothing of mine
in his pockets!
301
00:23:09,927 --> 00:23:11,883
(URGENT BANGING )
302
00:23:12,727 --> 00:23:15,002
All right... I'm coming.
303
00:23:17,847 --> 00:23:20,315
(MORE BANGING )
304
00:23:20,487 --> 00:23:25,720
She won't have the baby
before I get there! I said I'm... Ooh!
305
00:23:29,487 --> 00:23:31,443
J--J--Just passing.
306
00:23:36,007 --> 00:23:37,326
On a ladder?
307
00:23:37,487 --> 00:23:42,766
Y--You haven't seen any money
on the pavement, have you?
308
00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:45,805
No, I haven't!
If you climbed up here to ask that,
309
00:23:45,967 --> 00:23:48,435
you want a tight bandage
round your neck!
310
00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:53,681
Look, you know I s--said you were
going to sl--sleep safely in your bed?
311
00:23:53,847 --> 00:23:56,645
I was just checking
to see you're doing it properly.
312
00:23:56,807 --> 00:24:00,083
And you woke me up to ask me!
That's using your brains (!)
313
00:24:00,247 --> 00:24:03,205
I'm going to b--be on patrol here
all night.
314
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:06,439
-- You great tomfool!
-- Oh!
315
00:24:06,607 --> 00:24:08,325
Good Lord!
316
00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:12,959
L--I just wanted to t--tell you both
317
00:24:13,127 --> 00:24:17,120
that if you hear suspicious noises,
it'll only be me breathing heavy.
318
00:24:17,287 --> 00:24:19,039
And you think that's a comfort --
319
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:22,324
knowing you're creeping about
like Wee Willie Winkie?
320
00:24:23,807 --> 00:24:26,367
Get off down
and let me close this window!
321
00:24:26,527 --> 00:24:28,916
No, I've got an alternative plan.
322
00:24:29,087 --> 00:24:32,079
What will folk think if they see you
with a ladder here?!
323
00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:35,159
That's my alternative plan.
If I brought it in...
324
00:24:35,327 --> 00:24:37,045
Get out!
325
00:24:41,007 --> 00:24:43,840
Oh, dear. You should be
ashamed of yourself!
326
00:24:44,007 --> 00:24:46,999
Leaving Granville in that shop
if you expect trouble!
327
00:24:47,167 --> 00:24:50,637
He's not in the shop.
He's gone off out.
328
00:24:50,807 --> 00:24:54,800
Well, who's that walking about
in there now?
329
00:24:57,247 --> 00:25:00,922
Oh, that'll be... That's bu--bu--bu...
330
00:25:01,767 --> 00:25:03,166
(CRASH )
331
00:25:03,327 --> 00:25:07,002
..bu--bu--bu--bloody burglars!
332
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:38,686
(RUSTLING )
333
00:25:42,287 --> 00:25:45,006
Oh, G--Granville, come out!
334
00:25:47,807 --> 00:25:52,085
Er... That shilling you lost.
It's not behind here, either.
335
00:25:53,367 --> 00:25:55,005
Oh, you an' all?!
336
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:57,965
Listen, I c--could have shot you
p--point blank!
337
00:25:58,127 --> 00:26:00,880
And that's a terrible place
to be wounded!
338
00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:03,561
Then who'd ride the shop bike, eh?
339
00:26:03,727 --> 00:26:06,161
We were only cuddling a bit.
340
00:26:06,327 --> 00:26:07,885
Anyway, it's all right.
341
00:26:08,047 --> 00:26:11,483
Our little Eric
is Maureen's sister's little Eric!
342
00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:14,366
She were only looking after him.
I got it wrong.
343
00:26:14,527 --> 00:26:16,961
So the way I feel,
I don't care if we get burglars!
344
00:26:17,127 --> 00:26:21,484
Oh, very nice (!) Very cosy!
Come on, outside, both of you!
345
00:26:21,647 --> 00:26:24,923
And don't forget, you're on guard
tonight, 12 till eight!
346
00:26:25,087 --> 00:26:26,406
(BANG )
347
00:26:32,047 --> 00:26:34,515
Oh, me best ceiling down, look!
348
00:26:34,687 --> 00:26:37,485
What if somebody had been up there?!
349
00:26:37,647 --> 00:26:40,115
Who'd have been up there?
What, on the ceiling?
350
00:26:40,287 --> 00:26:43,836
How many people do we get
sheltering on our ceiling?
351
00:26:45,207 --> 00:26:47,357
I mean, upstairs in the room above!
352
00:26:47,527 --> 00:26:48,846
That's my room above.
353
00:26:49,007 --> 00:26:50,998
You could have been
peppered with shot!
354
00:26:51,167 --> 00:26:54,000
I'd have to move bloody fast,
wouldn't I?
355
00:26:54,167 --> 00:26:56,044
Fire the gun down here,
356
00:26:56,207 --> 00:27:00,359
and run upstairs in time to get
sheppered with pot!
357
00:27:00,527 --> 00:27:03,599
-- You mean peppered with shot.
-- I know what I mean!
358
00:27:03,767 --> 00:27:05,758
Now, come on, both of you!
359
00:27:07,487 --> 00:27:09,523
I don't think your uncle likes me.
360
00:27:09,687 --> 00:27:14,761
It's nothing personal, Maureen.
It's just that he doesn't like everybody!
361
00:27:20,807 --> 00:27:23,526
They all think
I'm a g--grasping old man.
362
00:27:23,687 --> 00:27:26,121
Especially Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
363
00:27:26,287 --> 00:27:29,404
She thinks I'd g--grasp hold
of anything.
364
00:27:31,007 --> 00:27:35,046
It's quite obvious she thinks
I'm unmoved by art or music.
365
00:27:35,207 --> 00:27:38,119
Maybe if I could l--learn
to play something.
366
00:27:39,287 --> 00:27:42,643
Mind you, it's amazing the volume
of sound I can produce
367
00:27:42,807 --> 00:27:46,356
just by running one finger
lightly up and down her left legl