1
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:36,318
Oh, good morning,
Mrs F--F--F--F--F--F--F--F--F...Jackson!
2
00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:04,045
Firelighters?
3
00:01:09,687 --> 00:01:11,996
Firelighters? C--Certainly, madam.
4
00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:15,762
Step inside and take the weight
off your purse.
5
00:01:15,927 --> 00:01:19,124
No, he'll be up in a minute
for his breakfast.
6
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:23,883
Don't you have any desire to wander
round this comestibles wonderland?
7
00:01:24,047 --> 00:01:26,959
-- Not really.
-- Oh, bring your head in more often.
8
00:01:27,127 --> 00:01:31,643
We have an offer on baked beans.
Perhaps he'd like some of them?
9
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,637
Lf...lf you like an apple,
th--these are firm...
10
00:01:36,807 --> 00:01:39,844
these are firm
and crisp and sweet.
11
00:01:40,007 --> 00:01:42,999
'Course they don't burn
like firelighters!
12
00:01:44,287 --> 00:01:46,755
Where do you want these?
13
00:01:48,287 --> 00:01:51,723
I said, where do you want...
Oh, heck, where's he gone now?
14
00:01:51,887 --> 00:01:54,640
-- (BELL)
-- Good morning. Won't keep you.
15
00:01:54,807 --> 00:01:59,278
-- Someone in the shop!
-- It's me, you d--dozy idiot!
16
00:01:59,447 --> 00:02:03,281
I've been halfway down the street,
s--soliciting for customers!
17
00:02:03,447 --> 00:02:06,007
We don't get the normal customer
any more.
18
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:08,123
Just a series of disappearing acts!
19
00:02:08,287 --> 00:02:10,755
I spend me time
poking me head round the door!
20
00:02:10,927 --> 00:02:12,918
Where do you want these?
21
00:02:13,087 --> 00:02:16,682
See what I'm doing now?
Talking to a cardboard box!
22
00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,156
Come on, my arms are getting longer!
23
00:02:19,327 --> 00:02:21,795
Just put them down anywhere.
Anywhere!
24
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:24,276
Listen, Granville,
pay attention to me.
25
00:02:24,447 --> 00:02:27,325
We've got to get more
of this leisure trade in,
26
00:02:27,487 --> 00:02:31,196
grab the casual customer,
let me get me claws on him.
27
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:33,961
We must sh--shift
some of these apples an' all.
28
00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,766
-- They're not selling.
-- Not another sales drive!
29
00:02:36,927 --> 00:02:38,918
I want you to think apples!
30
00:02:39,087 --> 00:02:43,000
How else would a young man
spend his adolescence (? )
31
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:46,523
I want you to be totally
apple motivated all week!
32
00:02:46,687 --> 00:02:51,158
If someone goes out without buying
an apple, we have fo--fa--fe--failed!
33
00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:56,640
-- What if they don't like apples?
-- N--negative thinking, Granville!
34
00:02:56,807 --> 00:02:58,957
"N--negative thinking, Granville" (!)
35
00:02:59,127 --> 00:03:03,643
Ah, so solly! Ah, please to beg
forgiveness, honourable ancestor!
36
00:03:03,807 --> 00:03:05,206
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey!
37
00:03:07,127 --> 00:03:10,244
I don't want you blunting
that sickle. Put it down!
38
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:14,161
If you want action, come here.
I've got a part for you.
39
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,603
Take an apple. Now, when a customer
comes into the shop,
40
00:03:17,767 --> 00:03:20,201
I want you to t--take a bite of that,
41
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,757
b--but casually, as if you didn't know
the customer was here.
42
00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:26,725
-- Oh, heck!
-- Hey, now listen, Vanessa!
43
00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:29,003
We don't want all that temperament!
44
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,727
Just a little performance
is all I require.
45
00:03:37,447 --> 00:03:40,678
-- Ma--Ma--Ma--Ma...
-- Mare?
46
00:03:40,847 --> 00:03:45,159
M--M--M--Morning! Would you let me
finish speaking, please?!
47
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:49,000
(COCKNEY ACCENT)
Are you having treatment for that?
48
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:50,646
For what?
49
00:03:50,807 --> 00:03:54,720
-- Your impediment.
-- I haven't got an im--im--impediment!
50
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:59,206
The only im--impediment I've got
is him!
51
00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,005
What's up with him?
52
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:04,603
I'm sick of trying to preserve
a shred of emotional integrity
53
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,076
in this crude commercial environment!
54
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,683
Is that why you're talking
to a shelf full of puff pastry?!
55
00:04:11,087 --> 00:04:13,601
What can you do with them
at that age?
56
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:17,316
Our Eileen's girl married
one of them sociology graduates.
57
00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:19,159
Perhaps we'll try that.
58
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:23,081
An ounce of Sweet Virginia
and two packets of cigarette papers.
59
00:04:23,247 --> 00:04:25,124
Don't just sell him something.
60
00:04:25,287 --> 00:04:28,245
Talk to him about his dreams
and aspirations!
61
00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:32,685
I see they've got the drains up again
outside the slaughterhouse.
62
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:35,402
We never make any real contact!
63
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,000
That's not what you said
64
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:40,125
when you had your fingers
up the light bulb socket!
65
00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:47,678
Now then...there we are, sir.
That's 80...90...100.
66
00:04:47,847 --> 00:04:51,726
Thank you. B--By the way, one of these
a day keeps the doctor away!
67
00:04:51,887 --> 00:04:55,243
Keeps him away? Have you tried
to get hold of one lately?!
68
00:04:57,607 --> 00:04:59,598
Impediment, ch--cheeky devil!
69
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:03,760
I'm f--fed up with these foreigners
coming up here, taking our jobs!
70
00:05:07,687 --> 00:05:10,997
Right. Come on, I want a bit
of teamwork down here now.
71
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:13,761
I've got to start pulling a cart now,
have I?
72
00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:17,124
-- No, no. Just take hold of that.
-- All right. Now what?
73
00:05:17,287 --> 00:05:18,800
I want you to bite it.
74
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:20,400
It's rotten!
75
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:23,639
You're not practising
on good ones. They're for sale!
76
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,275
Look, it's got a worm in it!
77
00:05:26,447 --> 00:05:30,406
Well, you're not blessed with
uncontrollable wild teeth, are you?
78
00:05:30,567 --> 00:05:32,603
You can steer past a bit of worm!
79
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,042
It's not a question
of where it is now.
80
00:05:35,207 --> 00:05:39,803
One has to ask oneself what it did
on the surface when it went in!
81
00:05:43,407 --> 00:05:45,682
Well, let us b--be brave and face it.
82
00:05:45,847 --> 00:05:50,682
The first thing it did was wipe 48 pairs
of shoes covered in earwig manure!
83
00:05:50,847 --> 00:05:52,565
Eugh!
84
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,195
No, for bright eyes
and a glossy coat,
85
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:59,883
the human body requires the trace
element of earwig manure, you know.
86
00:06:00,047 --> 00:06:01,366
No!
87
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,165
Well, put it this way...
88
00:06:09,647 --> 00:06:12,400
Why has life always got a worm in it?
89
00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:58,601
Ah, m--m--morning, Mrs Jardine.
90
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:02,726
Good morning, Mr Arkwright.
Do you have a large cocktail biscuit?
91
00:08:02,887 --> 00:08:04,923
I think so, yes.
92
00:08:05,087 --> 00:08:06,918
How is Mr Jardine?
93
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,557
Very well, thank you.
Still highly thought of at the works.
94
00:08:10,727 --> 00:08:13,002
Yes, he puts in long hours,
doesn't he?
95
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,283
The executive treadmill, you know.
96
00:08:15,447 --> 00:08:19,759
Fancy, fancy. And to think I knew him
when he was an ordinary human being!
97
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:22,479
He has done very well.
98
00:08:22,647 --> 00:08:27,198
Amazing. And he used to come in here
for anti--perspirant like anybody else!
99
00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:31,838
We're expecting an invitation
to the chairman's dinner this year.
100
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:36,683
It's not official, you understand,
but one hears on the grapevine.
101
00:08:36,847 --> 00:08:42,558
Oh, d--does one? W--We still use
the old--fashioned telephone round here!
102
00:08:42,727 --> 00:08:44,763
Oh, Granville, I was just saying.
103
00:08:44,927 --> 00:08:48,317
I remember when Mr Jardine
would come in here.
104
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,604
You know, if you asked him
the reason for his success,
105
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:56,761
he'd purse his lips in the thoughtful
manner of a m--modern executive
106
00:08:56,927 --> 00:09:00,283
and he would say,
in that modest way they have,
107
00:09:00,447 --> 00:09:02,483
in case they might be wrong,
108
00:09:02,647 --> 00:09:05,241
"l--I owe it all to apples!"
109
00:09:05,407 --> 00:09:09,639
-- Apples?
-- Yes, he used to s--swear by them!
110
00:09:09,807 --> 00:09:11,320
Didn't he, Granville?
111
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:14,479
"The nourishment
in that humble fruit," he'd say.
112
00:09:14,647 --> 00:09:17,286
Mind you, I don't suppose
he'd remember that.
113
00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:19,881
Not with having so much
on his grapevine!
114
00:09:20,047 --> 00:09:22,515
But I remember it
as if it were yesterday.
115
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:26,680
"Arkwright," he'd say,
"the day I stop eating apples
116
00:09:26,847 --> 00:09:30,157
"will be the day
I f--finish f--functioning
117
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:33,723
"as a f--fully--fledged f--first--class
executive brain!"
118
00:09:33,887 --> 00:09:35,684
But he wears dentures now.
119
00:09:35,847 --> 00:09:39,396
"And that will apply," he said,
"even when I wear dentures!"
120
00:09:40,527 --> 00:09:43,087
So, h--how many would you like?
Several?
121
00:10:00,327 --> 00:10:04,923
H--Hello, Gladys Emmanuel.
N--Nice to see you looking so cheerful.
122
00:10:06,087 --> 00:10:10,956
Oh, it's you. Have you got one
of them nice big round cottage loaves?
123
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,159
No, but you have!
124
00:10:15,287 --> 00:10:16,606
That'll do.
125
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:20,999
-- All I've got is a small Wonder roll.
-- Save it for me.
126
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,806
It's yours any time you want it.
127
00:10:23,967 --> 00:10:27,562
Well, you know that.
I've told you before.
128
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:30,844
Speaking of that, when are you and me
going to hold
129
00:10:31,007 --> 00:10:35,125
the final of the North Eastern
M--Mouse Festival in your bedroom?
130
00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:38,566
Tonight, if you like.
131
00:10:38,727 --> 00:10:42,515
Me mother's going out. The welfare
people are taking her to see "Oklahoma".
132
00:10:42,687 --> 00:10:44,120
Tonight?
133
00:10:44,287 --> 00:10:47,120
Yes, but you needn't
get into serious training.
134
00:10:47,287 --> 00:10:50,324
It'll be in the front room and,
if you're lucky, a bite of supper.
135
00:10:50,487 --> 00:10:52,364
A b--bite?!
136
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,803
Food, I'm talking about,
not your sort!
137
00:10:55,967 --> 00:11:00,358
And smarten yourself up a bit.
Don't just drift over in your overall.
138
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,518
I feel like being pampered.
139
00:11:02,687 --> 00:11:05,724
By 'eck, Gladys,
I'll pamper you, all right!
140
00:11:05,887 --> 00:11:08,685
I'll pamper
till there isn't a pamp left in me!
141
00:11:08,847 --> 00:11:11,042
It'll seem like Christmas
all over again!
142
00:11:11,207 --> 00:11:15,041
Hang on! There's at least one more
shopping day left, Arkwright!
143
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,562
-- I should get back over there!
-- Right.
144
00:11:17,727 --> 00:11:20,446
I like the Christmas theme.
145
00:11:20,607 --> 00:11:22,563
-- Stick to that.
-- How do you mean?
146
00:11:22,727 --> 00:11:25,366
If you're a wise man,
you'll come bearing gifts!
147
00:11:27,967 --> 00:11:30,765
If I wasn't here, cleaning down
this bacon slicer,
148
00:11:30,927 --> 00:11:34,124
I'd like to be flying a jumbo jet
into Kennedy Airport.
149
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,321
Taxi up to the terminal...
150
00:11:37,487 --> 00:11:40,001
..and some fabulously wealthy
American bird
151
00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,842
is waiting for me
in a chauffeur--driven Lincoln Continental.
152
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:47,283
I'd give her, you know,
a quick wave from the cockpit.
153
00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:49,756
(IMITATES ENGINE ROAR)
154
00:11:49,927 --> 00:11:54,523
'Cause I can see her there, you know,
looking all...wealthy,
155
00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:56,678
with her motor running.
156
00:11:56,847 --> 00:12:00,044
She'll be waiting for me to change
out of me uniform.
157
00:12:00,207 --> 00:12:04,200
We couldn't hit the night spots
with me in my pinny and bicycle clips!
158
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:06,884
You know, what this shop needs
159
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:10,722
is customers of at least
th--three minutes full duration.
160
00:12:10,887 --> 00:12:13,799
I like rich birds.
Not because of their money,
161
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:19,087
but because they're like new cars,
always in showroom condition!
162
00:12:19,247 --> 00:12:22,478
See, a shop shouldn't just be
a place to buy things.
163
00:12:22,647 --> 00:12:26,606
It should be somewhere
where you can wander round, relax
164
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:28,962
and s--spend money stupidly!
165
00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:33,279
Rich birds always come
with all the optional extras!
166
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:36,439
You know what we need here,
don't you, eh?
167
00:12:36,607 --> 00:12:39,599
A touch of self--service.
Nothing too elaborate.
168
00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:42,804
We must maintain the standards
of courtesy and service
169
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:46,323
which have made the g--grocery
business a by--word for greed!
170
00:12:46,487 --> 00:12:51,481
No, what we need is one
central island, here, just here.
171
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:56,516
Where they can wander around
and indulge in a bit of impulse buying.
172
00:12:57,567 --> 00:13:00,559
But it will have to be
an Aladdin's cave!
173
00:13:00,727 --> 00:13:05,243
An Aladdin's cave choc--a--bloc
with the irresistible treasures
174
00:13:05,407 --> 00:13:07,921
of an advanced c--consumer society!
175
00:13:19,287 --> 00:13:21,960
Among all these
irresistible treasures
176
00:13:22,127 --> 00:13:24,357
of an advanced consumer society,
177
00:13:24,527 --> 00:13:27,405
aren't these sticks of celery
a bit limp?
178
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:40,123
We c--can't just cater
for the luxury trade, you know.
179
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:43,279
We must provide s--something
for everybody.
180
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:47,725
You ought to appreciate that.
It was always your mother's motto!
181
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:51,400
You know what you've built here,
don't you?
182
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,558
A little grotto for shoplifters.
183
00:13:55,127 --> 00:13:58,403
I mean, look, if we're up here
behind the counter,
184
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:02,685
and they're in there,
they'll be nicking stuff retail!
185
00:14:05,007 --> 00:14:06,963
-- You reckon?
-- Aye.
186
00:14:07,127 --> 00:14:12,121
Still, if you're going self--service,
it's worth having a few things pinched.
187
00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:14,642
-- What are you talking about?!
-- No, no!
188
00:14:14,807 --> 00:14:17,799
What I mean is,
you've got to keep out of the way.
189
00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:20,959
Keep out of the way
so your customers can relax.
190
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:24,722
I don't know whether to prosecute
and risk the bad publicity,
191
00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:27,640
or just
sh--shoot them in the leg a bit!
192
00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:31,516
Before you get your gun,
we haven't had any customers yet!
193
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:59,885
You see, it d--d--doesn't work!
Let's get it down, come on.
194
00:15:00,047 --> 00:15:03,005
Come on, wait a minute,
give it a chance!
195
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:07,160
They're supposed to be seized
by this wild ungovernable lust
196
00:15:07,327 --> 00:15:08,999
for things on the shelves.
197
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:11,761
They walk in and suddenly...
ba--baboom!
198
00:15:11,927 --> 00:15:13,360
Bare b--bum?
199
00:15:13,527 --> 00:15:15,916
Yes, they're seized
by this ungovernable lust.
200
00:15:16,087 --> 00:15:20,399
It's supposed to be like
a c--c--c--customer trap, in't it?
201
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:22,080
They come in one minute,
202
00:15:22,247 --> 00:15:25,922
next they're squirming securely
on the end of your till!
203
00:15:26,087 --> 00:15:28,726
They might if you didn't
frighten them off!
204
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:32,277
They can't if you're breathing
down their necks!
205
00:15:32,447 --> 00:15:34,597
You've got to let them
get on with it.
206
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,679
-- Turn your back on them?
-- That's right.
207
00:15:37,847 --> 00:15:40,441
Not keep your eye on them
all the time?
208
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,926
Exactly.
209
00:15:42,087 --> 00:15:44,965
Oh... I can't do that!
210
00:15:45,127 --> 00:15:46,845
You're gonna have to try.
211
00:15:51,007 --> 00:15:55,523
-- There you are, he looks all right.
-- He looks like Himmler!
212
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,117
-- Guten Abend.
-- Sh!
213
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:33,879
(CRUNCH !)
214
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:10,037
Ah, got yer! Come on!
Where are you going with that?!
215
00:17:10,207 --> 00:17:12,880
G--Granville,
ring the British Embassy!
216
00:17:15,087 --> 00:17:17,647
Serves you right
for being so suspicious.
217
00:17:17,807 --> 00:17:20,321
How should I know he was a v--vicar?
218
00:17:21,687 --> 00:17:25,726
He shouldn't go c--creeping around
without his collar on!
219
00:17:25,887 --> 00:17:28,276
He wasn't a vicar.
He was a lay preacher.
220
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:31,598
Sort of religious special constable.
221
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:34,759
Well, he should have worn a helmet,
then.
222
00:17:35,327 --> 00:17:39,115
That was some sermon
he gave me, you know.
223
00:17:39,287 --> 00:17:41,755
Serves you right. You asked for it.
224
00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:44,157
I don't need to be told
to love thy neighbour
225
00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:47,717
when I've been unofficially engaged
to Nurse Gladys Emmanuel so long!
226
00:17:47,887 --> 00:17:50,037
He were only looking at the goods.
227
00:17:50,247 --> 00:17:53,523
That's as far as you'll get
with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
228
00:17:54,527 --> 00:17:59,647
Oh, well, h--here's a bit of news
for you, Reginald Bosanquet.
229
00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:03,676
She has just invited me over!
230
00:18:03,847 --> 00:18:07,362
-- Oh, yeah? What for?
-- For the evening! That's what for.
231
00:18:07,527 --> 00:18:09,961
And by the look on her tone of voice,
232
00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:13,802
she's going...she's going
to remove all obstacles.
233
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:17,562
Her entire gas fire
will be open to me!
234
00:18:18,447 --> 00:18:21,120
But she'll need coaxing
with little trifles.
235
00:18:21,287 --> 00:18:26,202
Take some blackcurrant and walnut.
They aren't selling well.
236
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:31,487
I want something to put her
on the right lines, not freeze her points!
237
00:18:32,887 --> 00:18:34,684
I know what I'll take her.
238
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:39,045
Remember them earmuffs we had once
as a special line that never went?
239
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:41,163
I'll take her three pairs of them.
240
00:18:41,327 --> 00:18:44,603
Three pairs? Don't go mad.
One pair's enough!
241
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:49,761
One pair's enough for her ears,
but what about her theres and her everywheres?
242
00:18:49,927 --> 00:18:53,283
With any luck, I might get
to put them on her!
243
00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:57,957
Where the hangment
are them muffs?
244
00:18:58,127 --> 00:19:00,960
I think you'll find them
in the Aladdin's cave...
245
00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:03,038
around a tin of cream undercoat!
246
00:19:03,207 --> 00:19:05,596
Oh, th--thank you, Widow Twanky!
247
00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:12,801
I d--don't think I can put up with
this self--service much longer.
248
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:14,798
It's a strain on your nerves.
249
00:19:14,967 --> 00:19:18,403
I know. It's a strain on your
customers' nerves an' all,
250
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:22,355
especially when you leap out,
"Where are you g--going with that?!"
251
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:25,997
-- That's only my bit of fun.
-- Rubbish!
252
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:30,160
Listen, I'm not going to leave
the customers alone with the stock.
253
00:19:30,327 --> 00:19:32,204
It's like hiring your wife out.
254
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,642
-- Do people do that?
-- No, course th...
255
00:19:36,807 --> 00:19:38,843
It's not a bad idea, is it, though?
256
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:42,716
Must be a bigger profit margin in it
than groceries.
257
00:19:42,887 --> 00:19:44,957
P--pound for pound, I mean.
258
00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:49,040
'Ey, don't you hate the days
when you tread on a Swiss roll?
259
00:19:49,207 --> 00:19:50,925
Oh, dear.
260
00:19:51,087 --> 00:19:53,476
What about these?
What do you think? No?
261
00:19:57,607 --> 00:20:01,043
Hello, Nurse Gladys.
Have you come for your Wonder roll?
262
00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:03,767
Perhaps you'd prefer a Swiss roll?
Look.
263
00:20:03,927 --> 00:20:07,636
Special new design to enable you
to send it through the post.
264
00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:13,762
Or perhaps you'd prefer a nice--ice...
a nice--ice--ice iced bun, would you?
265
00:20:13,927 --> 00:20:17,158
-- I want a stepladder.
-- My G--God, you must be hungry!
266
00:20:18,647 --> 00:20:22,765
Granville, go and pick out a nice
tender stepladder, would you?
267
00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:26,840
I'm not buying it, you fool. I want
to borrow it. I've locked meself out!
268
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:29,282
Oh, dear, how f--fortunate!
269
00:20:29,447 --> 00:20:33,565
I might have known I'd get a lot
of sympathy from you, Arkwright!
270
00:20:33,727 --> 00:20:37,402
-- What's all this?
-- The new self--service department.
271
00:20:37,567 --> 00:20:40,798
Mmm, I thought you'd been taken over
by War on Want!
272
00:20:42,327 --> 00:20:46,366
Granville, can you come over
and give me a hand to get in the window?
273
00:20:46,527 --> 00:20:51,555
Oh, we'll both come. He can hold
the ladder and I'll give you a bunk up!
274
00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:54,442
This is all we've got. Will these do?
275
00:20:54,607 --> 00:20:58,441
Yes, anything'll do! Let's get started.
Time's money. Let's go!
276
00:20:58,607 --> 00:21:02,361
I think I'd feel safer if you stayed
on your own side of the street
277
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:05,200
whilst I'm climbing in the window,
thank you!
278
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:09,406
I don't want to feel your hot breath
steaming up me double glazing!
279
00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:15,162
I hope and trust that won't apply
to our rendezvous tonight?
280
00:21:15,327 --> 00:21:18,046
-- That's still on?
-- If I ever get back in!
281
00:21:18,207 --> 00:21:20,198
'Ey, why bother? Why bother?!
282
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:23,359
Why don't you m--move
into my spare room upstairs?
283
00:21:23,527 --> 00:21:25,324
The rent would be nominal.
284
00:21:25,487 --> 00:21:27,921
Don't you mean phenomenal?!
285
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,523
He's doing that all the time now,
leaving bits off words.
286
00:21:31,687 --> 00:21:34,565
Should have heard
what he called PC Bottomley!
287
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:39,118
'Ey, 'ey, go wash your mouth out
with quick--drying cement at once!
288
00:21:40,087 --> 00:21:43,966
Seriously, Gladys, why don't you
become my f--fully furnished tenant?
289
00:21:44,127 --> 00:21:45,719
I promise you every comfort.
290
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,957
The price might be a bit high.
291
00:21:48,127 --> 00:21:52,040
No, £2 a week,
and I wouldn't want much down.
292
00:21:52,207 --> 00:21:56,644
At £2 a week, you wouldn't be getting
anything down! Come on, Granville.
293
00:21:56,807 --> 00:22:00,720
-- Listen, you could p--pay in kind.
-- Oh, yes? What kind of kind?
294
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:03,924
Oh, any kind of kind
you're kind enough to offer!
295
00:22:04,087 --> 00:22:07,477
Listen, I don't want
that stepladder shop--soiled!
296
00:22:07,647 --> 00:22:10,639
Will you try and just step on
every other rung?
297
00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:13,241
Good job Romeo
didn't have you for an uncle.
298
00:22:13,407 --> 00:22:15,557
He'd never have reached that balcony!
299
00:22:15,727 --> 00:22:18,002
Listen, they cost money,
these things!
300
00:22:18,167 --> 00:22:22,206
Tell you what, I shall go up these steps
backwards on my hands
301
00:22:22,367 --> 00:22:24,323
and open the window with me feet!
302
00:22:24,487 --> 00:22:29,083
If anyone asks, I'd say I'm a passing
Australian looking up a relative!
303
00:22:35,967 --> 00:22:38,800
D--D--Down a bit.
I'll tell you when to stop.
304
00:22:38,967 --> 00:22:40,639
St--st--s--s--st....
305
00:22:40,807 --> 00:22:42,684
s--s--st--STOP!
306
00:22:45,087 --> 00:22:49,683
Why don't you s--s--s--stop
when I tell you to s--s--s--stop?
307
00:22:50,687 --> 00:22:53,679
Now, just take it up a bit again,
will you?
308
00:22:53,847 --> 00:22:56,202
Come on, up. N--Not too far.
309
00:22:56,367 --> 00:23:00,201
Just... No, you missed it.
Take it... Up a bit. Down.
310
00:23:00,367 --> 00:23:01,846
Tie it off about there.
311
00:23:02,007 --> 00:23:04,840
I like a man who knows his own mind.
312
00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:08,761
-- That's good. That's very good.
-- Glad you're happy about it (!)
313
00:23:08,927 --> 00:23:10,918
It means I can stand here smiling,
314
00:23:11,087 --> 00:23:13,681
and still keep an eye on the thieving articles.
315
00:23:13,847 --> 00:23:16,486
It means that I'm without
a wardrobe door!
316
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:20,526
That's a small sacrifice, isn't it,
for the security?
317
00:23:20,687 --> 00:23:23,599
Small for you, you've still got
your wardrobe door!
318
00:23:23,767 --> 00:23:25,598
Oh, I can't give up my door.
319
00:23:25,767 --> 00:23:28,361
Oh, no, it must be available
at all times
320
00:23:28,527 --> 00:23:31,166
for the g--garments
of Gladys Emmanuel...
321
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:33,204
sh--should she move in!
322
00:23:33,367 --> 00:23:35,403
What, into your wardrobe?
323
00:23:36,047 --> 00:23:37,958
Into my w--wedlock.
324
00:23:38,127 --> 00:23:40,687
Meanwhile, I'm on for moths
in my mohairs!
325
00:23:40,847 --> 00:23:44,157
That conjures up a nasty picture!
Come over here.
326
00:23:44,327 --> 00:23:46,682
-- Come on.
-- Oh, no, not again!
327
00:23:46,847 --> 00:23:52,080
You haven't even started! Come on,
I want to hear how you bite that.
328
00:23:52,247 --> 00:23:54,556
Let's have some expression, some zip!
329
00:23:54,727 --> 00:23:58,356
I've a zip in my mohairs, but it
won't stop the moths having a ball!
330
00:24:02,127 --> 00:24:07,247
Would you just take a bite out of that
before your mouth gets you into trouble?
331
00:24:09,367 --> 00:24:11,437
Have you started yet?
332
00:24:11,607 --> 00:24:13,598
-- Yes!
-- Well, louder, louder!
333
00:24:13,767 --> 00:24:17,680
-- Any particular key (? )
-- No, any old key, just a loud key.
334
00:24:17,847 --> 00:24:19,166
(CRUNCH )
335
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:23,320
That's a bit better. Now, try
and look as if you're enjoying it.
336
00:24:24,927 --> 00:24:26,918
-- It's sour!
-- No, they're not.
337
00:24:27,087 --> 00:24:31,239
No, in the trade, they're known
as mouth--watering.
338
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:35,118
Well, in the mouth,
they're known as eye--watering!
339
00:24:35,287 --> 00:24:37,403
Fruity and mouth--watering, got it?
340
00:24:37,567 --> 00:24:40,320
And try and look a bit
more pleasant, please!
341
00:24:40,487 --> 00:24:44,116
Pleasant! It's me that's got to eat
these sour little apples!
342
00:24:44,287 --> 00:24:47,484
-- Simmer down.
-- It's me consuming earwig manure!
343
00:24:47,647 --> 00:24:49,638
Don't lose your cool, Granville.
344
00:24:49,807 --> 00:24:53,880
It doesn't look as if Shirley Bassey
will ever answer my letter!
345
00:24:54,047 --> 00:24:58,598
What we need is a slogan
for the window, nothing too elaborate.
346
00:24:58,767 --> 00:25:02,760
Just a few golden phrases or two.
Now, come on, think.
347
00:25:02,927 --> 00:25:05,760
-- I want a rise.
-- Don't be dirty!
348
00:25:09,287 --> 00:25:11,676
That's a d--disgusting thing to say!
349
00:25:11,847 --> 00:25:15,203
Your language is getting atrocious
these days!
350
00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:20,877
Why are you writing
to Shirley Bassey?
351
00:25:23,687 --> 00:25:26,360
'Cause I've finished
with Julie Andrews!
352
00:25:29,087 --> 00:25:30,998
Hey, sh! A big bite!
353
00:25:35,007 --> 00:25:36,360
Ah, yes.
354
00:25:36,527 --> 00:25:39,678
Ah, are you looking
for some medication?
355
00:25:41,047 --> 00:25:44,722
Oh, good afternoon.
I'm looking for some medication.
356
00:25:46,887 --> 00:25:50,084
I'm--I'm afraid
that's our full selection.
357
00:25:51,087 --> 00:25:53,078
Is this your full selection?
358
00:25:56,607 --> 00:25:58,598
W--We don't carry a lot these days.
359
00:25:58,767 --> 00:26:01,565
I suppose
you don't carry a lot these days.
360
00:26:02,767 --> 00:26:05,327
I'm wasting me time.
He's clairvoyant!
361
00:26:05,487 --> 00:26:08,524
I'm looking for something
for wax in the ears.
362
00:26:08,687 --> 00:26:11,838
Don't think you need anything.
You're deaf as it is!
363
00:26:13,687 --> 00:26:15,678
I'm afraid it makes me a little deaf.
364
00:26:15,847 --> 00:26:18,202
Yes, it's the wax in your ears
doing that!
365
00:26:19,247 --> 00:26:20,805
You've nothing for it.
366
00:26:20,967 --> 00:26:22,525
Apples.
367
00:26:23,367 --> 00:26:24,686
Pardon?
368
00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:27,006
Ap--ples.
369
00:26:28,047 --> 00:26:31,676
I'm sorry, but I could have sworn
you said apples.
370
00:26:33,847 --> 00:26:35,838
No, louder, louder!
371
00:26:40,647 --> 00:26:42,080
Louder!
372
00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:49,124
It's not usually a powder.
It's usually in a bottle with a dropper.
373
00:26:51,447 --> 00:26:54,325
Ooh, dear, poor lad!
374
00:26:54,487 --> 00:26:58,275
Serve this young man first.
He needs something more than I do!
375
00:26:58,447 --> 00:27:02,725
Aye. He'll get something the minute
you turn your back an' all!
376
00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:05,082
You deaf old twit!
377
00:27:07,967 --> 00:27:11,118
These instant chips take longer
than ordinary ones!
378
00:27:11,287 --> 00:27:14,563
You won't be wanting anything
when you come in tonight?
379
00:27:14,727 --> 00:27:18,800
Oh, no, I shall be having everything
I want over there, with any luck!
380
00:27:19,887 --> 00:27:22,321
Touch wood and whistle. (WHISTLES)
381
00:27:22,487 --> 00:27:25,684
No, I shall come back
thoroughly replete.
382
00:27:25,847 --> 00:27:29,362
Replete -- sounds like you've been
eating Chinese radishes.
383
00:27:29,527 --> 00:27:34,681
Replete...satisfied!
Don't you know any big words?
384
00:27:34,847 --> 00:27:38,203
Have you gleaned nothing from the
rich harvest of knowledge available
385
00:27:38,367 --> 00:27:40,756
on the back of the cornflake packets?
386
00:27:41,607 --> 00:27:43,598
Now, where's my little present?
387
00:27:43,767 --> 00:27:45,883
What are you taking her? Chocolates?
388
00:27:46,047 --> 00:27:51,326
No, I've got something special,
Granville. Something primeval.
389
00:27:51,487 --> 00:27:57,244
The first gift ever exchanged in love
between a man and a woman,
390
00:27:57,407 --> 00:28:02,037
stretching across the centuries
to the dawn of time!
391
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,327
-- What do you mean?
-- Get out!
392
00:28:06,487 --> 00:28:08,603
Clear off, you stingy devil!
393
00:28:08,767 --> 00:28:10,997
It's what Eve gave Adam!
394
00:28:14,767 --> 00:28:19,966
I'll tell you what this Eve is going
to do -- 'eave them back at you!
395
00:28:20,127 --> 00:28:21,606
Oh, get off!
396
00:28:26,687 --> 00:28:30,157
Get off it! Granville! Fetch a box!
397
00:28:37,287 --> 00:28:41,724
Th--That central display is coming
down tomorrow, enough's enough.
398
00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:44,447
The run--free tights
with the special offer
399
00:28:44,607 --> 00:28:46,837
will be tucked away
where they belong...
400
00:28:48,327 --> 00:28:50,318
..next to the meat paste.
401
00:28:51,887 --> 00:28:55,323
Them apples will get sold eventually,
I s'pose.
402
00:28:55,487 --> 00:28:57,762
They'll just go soft, that's all.
403
00:28:57,927 --> 00:29:00,760
Well, after all, that's life,
isn't it?
404
00:29:01,767 --> 00:29:06,283
To hell with self--service, I say.
Tomorrow we start with a new motto.:
405
00:29:06,447 --> 00:29:08,358
"God Help Those Who Help Themselvesl"