1
00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:42,679
-- We need a new brush.
-- Nonsense. That's a marvellous brush.
2
00:00:42,847 --> 00:00:46,965
I've had it 14 years. It's only had
two new heads and three new handles.
3
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:52,039
93 million miles to the sun.
4
00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:54,641
That's how many miles this brush has done.
5
00:00:55,927 --> 00:01:00,921
When you consider what a tiny speck
this planet is on the c--cosmic landscape.
6
00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:07,276
Isn't it marvellous that the VAT man can
find his way to my shop whenever he wants?
7
00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:10,883
He can't fault my double--entry bookkeeping,
8
00:01:11,047 --> 00:01:14,517
but I view his visits
with a sense of fore--foreboding.
9
00:01:14,687 --> 00:01:17,804
"Fore--foreboding"?
Two fours is eight--boding.
10
00:01:19,527 --> 00:01:22,200
I'm double--entry talking now.
11
00:01:44,127 --> 00:01:49,042
When Old Blue Eyes sings about
The Wee Small Hours of the Morning,
12
00:01:49,207 --> 00:01:51,641
it's obvious he never worked in a shop.
13
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:56,085
I know your sort. If I didn't tur--turf you
out of bed of a morning,
14
00:01:56,247 --> 00:01:58,477
you'd be there till gone seven.
15
00:01:58,647 --> 00:02:00,444
It's marvellous, isn't it?
16
00:02:00,607 --> 00:02:04,839
The difference in lifestyle
between me and Frank Sinatra.
17
00:02:05,007 --> 00:02:07,965
But did he find true happiness?
18
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:12,405
I don't know, but he had a good look
in some interesting places.
19
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:16,606
-- Ava Gardner.
-- It's pronounced Av--a Gardner.
20
00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:21,443
We used to say if you're going to
'ave a gardener, she's the one to have!
21
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:25,923
Mind you, on second thoughts...
22
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,476
I'm busy with my first thoughts!
23
00:02:28,647 --> 00:02:31,002
Before you let your mind wander,
24
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:35,001
make sure it's not too weak
to be out on its own.
25
00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:40,924
On second thoughts, she'd be the kind
of woman who'd be very expensive.
26
00:02:41,087 --> 00:02:45,126
She wouldn't be satisfied
with a packet of tights at cost.
27
00:02:45,287 --> 00:02:49,838
No, not that lady.
She would demand a c--crippling discount.
28
00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:53,638
Oh. Did you see that?
29
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:58,835
At the thought of erosion into my profit margin,
my fingers lost all sense of grip.
30
00:02:59,007 --> 00:03:00,725
Pick 'em up.
31
00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:05,722
Oh. Honestly, what am I doing with my life, eh?
32
00:03:05,887 --> 00:03:10,324
Grovelling around on the floor
picking up Ava Gardner's tights.
33
00:03:10,487 --> 00:03:13,877
-- Don't crease them.
-- I'm never likely to!
34
00:03:14,047 --> 00:03:17,756
When I think of the tights
that have been through my fingers,
35
00:03:17,927 --> 00:03:20,441
it's time I had one with a leg in it.
36
00:03:20,607 --> 00:03:26,045
Granville, you're always the same
of a morning. Full of desperate talk.
37
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:30,439
I reckon it's the fluoride
they put in the toothpaste.
38
00:03:30,607 --> 00:03:33,644
I think it's imbalancing your hormones.
39
00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:38,244
Or maybe you're not regular enough
with your sh--sh...
40
00:03:38,407 --> 00:03:40,716
With your shaving.
41
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:45,802
My advice to you in times of stress
is to spit--polish your boots.
42
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:49,198
-- Put the kettle on.
-- All right.
43
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:54,316
You've been a constant worry to me
ever since you first went into Y--fronts.
44
00:03:54,487 --> 00:04:00,562
The secret of an orderly life is to leave
yourself relaxed around the premises.
45
00:04:02,407 --> 00:04:03,886
Here.
46
00:04:04,887 --> 00:04:07,481
432 beige.
47
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:17,196
Oh, dear! Look what you've made me do!
48
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,517
I didn't do that, you did!
49
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:23,475
It's gone clean through.
It's got a hole both sides.
50
00:04:23,647 --> 00:04:26,241
That's the worse kind of a hole.
51
00:04:26,407 --> 00:04:28,875
I just passed them over, you spiked them.
52
00:04:29,047 --> 00:04:32,517
You interrupted my rhythm, my filing system.
53
00:04:32,687 --> 00:04:37,920
Anything I've got in my hand at a time
like this goes straight on the spike.
54
00:04:38,087 --> 00:04:41,238
Good job you're not in the medical profession.
55
00:04:41,407 --> 00:04:45,605
It's bad enough having the VAT man
coming this morning.
56
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,759
Now I've got to reduce a pair of tights.
57
00:04:48,927 --> 00:04:51,441
You can't sell them now.
58
00:04:51,607 --> 00:04:54,679
We don't know that until we try.
59
00:04:54,847 --> 00:04:58,078
I wish you wouldn't adopt a negative attitude.
60
00:04:58,247 --> 00:05:02,479
I don't know where you get it from.
Your mother never said no.
61
00:05:02,647 --> 00:05:09,041
-- She wouldn't buy tights with holes in.
-- She was game for a bargain, my sister.
62
00:05:09,207 --> 00:05:12,722
If anyone knew how to get
a bit knocked off, she did.
63
00:05:13,887 --> 00:05:16,560
Was she a smart dresser?
64
00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:19,195
Yes, she liked her clothes.
65
00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:24,757
-- How did she do her hair?
-- With bits of grass in the back.
66
00:05:24,927 --> 00:05:27,725
You liked her, though, didn't you?
67
00:05:27,887 --> 00:05:31,641
She was kind, loving and generous.
No sense at all.
68
00:05:31,807 --> 00:05:33,957
-- (BELL JANGLES)
-- Customer!
69
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,883
Is he coming in or isn't he?
70
00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:41,323
The suspense is killing me.
It's amazing, isn't it?
71
00:05:41,487 --> 00:05:44,843
You stock your shop with all kinds of luxuries
72
00:05:45,007 --> 00:05:47,475
and still they d--dither on the doorstep.
73
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:52,562
You'd be amazed at what they do
on that doorstep. I have to sweep it up!
74
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,285
(BELL JANGLES)
75
00:05:54,447 --> 00:05:56,722
He can't get in.
76
00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:59,924
He can't get in! You've left the bolt on.
77
00:06:00,087 --> 00:06:04,239
What's the matter with you?
He's gone now. Get after him, go on.
78
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,001
You can't grab customers off the street.
79
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,716
You can't if you don't hurry. Go on. I'll get him.
80
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:35,123
OK, Lieutenant, this whole area
is in a war zone.
81
00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:38,279
(IMITATES SHELLS EXPLODING)
82
00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:45,077
I want everybody in this zone down this bunker!
83
00:06:47,527 --> 00:06:49,643
Told you it wouldn't be a minute.
84
00:06:49,807 --> 00:06:52,605
What about me bus? I've got a bus to catch!
85
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,520
I'll get you out in time for that.
86
00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:58,201
We have a quick turnover in this shop.
87
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,403
I was standing at the bus stop!
88
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:02,444
Cigarettes or tobacco, sir?
89
00:07:02,607 --> 00:07:05,485
Half asleep, thinking about the wife's bad leg...
90
00:07:05,647 --> 00:07:10,402
We've got the finest bad leg department
in the area. Where did I put it?
91
00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:13,286
..when I feel his hand on my shoulder
92
00:07:13,447 --> 00:07:18,237
-- and I'm in the lair of this mad grocer!
-- You was hammering on the door.
93
00:07:18,407 --> 00:07:19,886
-- Who was?
-- You was.
94
00:07:20,047 --> 00:07:23,244
It wasn't me. I've heard things about this place.
95
00:07:23,407 --> 00:07:26,046
Why do you think I tiptoe past this shop?
96
00:07:26,207 --> 00:07:28,801
We've gone and caught the wrong one.
97
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:31,356
You ought to be more careful!
98
00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:36,999
Being in this game as long as I have,
all the male customers start to look alike.
99
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:41,365
Though I never forget a wallet.
Don't worry, sir. No harm done.
100
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:46,806
You snatch a bloke from a bus stop!
I thought we were off to Cuba.
101
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,117
I can only apologise, sir,
102
00:07:49,287 --> 00:07:54,042
and offer you this small token in compensation
for any inconvenience caused.
103
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:57,722
-- What is it?
-- For the wife's bad leg. A bandage.
104
00:07:59,047 --> 00:08:02,881
-- That's very decent.
-- It's a miracle!
105
00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:09,440
Ingenious device. Can be worn on both legs,
though preferably not at the same time,
106
00:08:09,607 --> 00:08:12,485
or the lady might fall flat on her fa--face.
107
00:08:12,647 --> 00:08:14,205
Thank you very much.
108
00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:18,121
-- My pleasure, sir. 65p, please.
-- What?
109
00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:24,078
65p. That's a small amount to pay, sir,
for the ease and comfort of a loved one.
110
00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:28,320
Or even the wife.
Would you like some liniment for her?
111
00:08:28,487 --> 00:08:31,047
-- No, I flaming wouldn't!
-- Thank you.
112
00:08:31,207 --> 00:08:35,086
Get that pound in the till, Granville.
35p change, sir.
113
00:08:35,247 --> 00:08:39,604
One, two, three and 35.
I hear your bus coming. Step this way.
114
00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:42,565
-- Do call again.
-- You must be joking!
115
00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:48,925
Well, you certainly made his day.
116
00:08:49,087 --> 00:08:52,636
Crafty beggar! Tiptoeing past the shop.
117
00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:55,765
I bet he'll go via Arnold Street in future!
118
00:08:55,927 --> 00:09:01,763
It's your fault. It's your wireless blaring away.
That's why we don't hear them.
119
00:09:01,927 --> 00:09:04,282
I could have had him years ago.
120
00:09:04,447 --> 00:09:08,565
Are you going to get that pound in the till?
I earned that one.
121
00:09:08,727 --> 00:09:14,597
No, not the till. It's vicious. I daren't tackle it
till I've got my wits about me.
122
00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:17,327
Don't be so daft! Come here.
123
00:09:36,247 --> 00:09:40,479
That's something you rarely see
on a s--supermarket shelf.
124
00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:43,437
Keep your distance, Arkwright.
125
00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:47,282
How would you fancy a fu--fun--filled fortnight
126
00:09:47,447 --> 00:09:50,405
in a sunny corner of the room above me shop?
127
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:55,118
-- You're all mouth and trousers.
-- Not necessarily in that order.
128
00:09:56,967 --> 00:10:00,482
Keep away! Don't start grappling in the street.
129
00:10:00,647 --> 00:10:04,276
They all know we're going to be married.
130
00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:07,644
They're not all invited to the dress rehearsal.
131
00:10:08,487 --> 00:10:11,285
What would you take for a swollen chest?
132
00:10:11,447 --> 00:10:13,677
More than you'd pay!
133
00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:21,077
Look, if you really want to make yourself useful,
my washing machine's broken.
134
00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,717
-- I've rung an engineer.
-- You don't need an engineer.
135
00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:27,879
I'll pop round later with me be--be...
136
00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:31,119
Don't pop round with your bare anything!
137
00:10:31,287 --> 00:10:35,280
With me be--best tool kit.
I wish you'd let me finish sometimes.
138
00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:39,042
The best thing you can do
is let me borrow your washer.
139
00:10:39,207 --> 00:10:42,085
-- Ah, well.
-- What do you mean? "Ah, well"?
140
00:10:42,247 --> 00:10:45,319
-- I'll pay for the electricity.
-- It's not that.
141
00:10:45,487 --> 00:10:50,197
-- You're slipping, Arkwright.
-- I can't charge you for the electricity.
142
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:53,598
That's very flattering coming from you.
143
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:58,522
Who's getting soft in his old age?
Why can't you charge me?
144
00:10:58,687 --> 00:11:01,838
Because me washing machine's not electric.
145
00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:08,998
Tight old devil!
146
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,727
What kind of appliances have you got?
147
00:11:11,887 --> 00:11:16,756
-- Well, I've got... Oh, dear.
-- What's up with the nurse?
148
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:21,478
So you've noticed?
She's not in playful mood this morning.
149
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:25,765
Isn't it typical? The first time
I get her in my private quarters
150
00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:28,600
and she's not in playful mood.
151
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:32,237
What can I give her?
What have I got to tempt her with?
152
00:11:32,927 --> 00:11:37,364
-- How much are you prepared to spend?
-- Practically anything!
153
00:11:37,527 --> 00:11:42,442
Under a pound. It's not the money
that counts, it's the thought.
154
00:11:42,607 --> 00:11:45,838
You never think of anything
worth more than a pound!
155
00:11:46,007 --> 00:11:48,840
Honestly. I'd lavish any amount of gifts
156
00:11:49,007 --> 00:11:52,636
on any female I was engaged to
if I had the wherewithal.
157
00:11:52,807 --> 00:11:56,516
Hey! You keep your wherewithal in your pocket.
158
00:11:56,687 --> 00:12:00,726
I've seen you sneaking out
covered in solid brilliantine,
159
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:03,685
looking for somewhere to lose your wherewithal.
160
00:12:04,207 --> 00:12:10,396
Look at me. I'm stuck here slicing bacon
and my life is trickling away.
161
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:13,604
I'll probably never be cited in a divorce case.
162
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,520
It'll be short--sighted if you are!
163
00:12:16,687 --> 00:12:21,363
I lie awake at night wondering
what WX means in practical terms.
164
00:12:21,527 --> 00:12:25,122
You won't let me hair grow.
I've never worn an earring.
165
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:29,644
The only way I'll get grass stains
on my jeans is by watching cricket!
166
00:12:29,807 --> 00:12:33,686
-- I thought you liked cricket.
-- Not as much as girls.
167
00:12:34,207 --> 00:12:39,201
I used to like cricket before I went swimming
and saw Deirdre Watson's navel.
168
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:45,160
That were a revelation to me.
I've never seen anything quite as beautiful.
169
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:49,320
I never realised somebody could
fall in love with a navel.
170
00:12:49,487 --> 00:12:54,197
I were thinking about it as they were
giving me artificial respiration.
171
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:56,676
I've got it. This is just the thing.
172
00:12:56,847 --> 00:13:00,806
A pair of tights!
What woman would say no to a pair of tights?
173
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:04,755
-- That's the pair you spiked!
-- Sshh! Keep your voice down.
174
00:13:04,927 --> 00:13:09,318
-- They've got a hole in.
-- We don't know they've got a hole in.
175
00:13:09,487 --> 00:13:12,445
However, if she finds they have got a hole in,
176
00:13:12,607 --> 00:13:15,565
I'm willing to re--examine the situation.
177
00:13:15,727 --> 00:13:19,037
Just my luck if it's round her flaming ankle!
178
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:22,844
-- Oh! Hello, my love.
-- Don't you "love" me!
179
00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:26,636
That's a terrible order
to give an engaged person.
180
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:32,245
If you think you're marrying me into a kitchen
like that, you'd better think again.
181
00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:37,117
-- What's wrong with me kitchen?
-- Look at him. He doesn't even know.
182
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:40,962
It's like the Black Museum.
You haven't one modern appliance.
183
00:13:41,127 --> 00:13:44,483
There's the ga--ga--gas po--poker!
184
00:13:45,287 --> 00:13:49,405
In the age of the microchip,
Arkwright's still running on steam!
185
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:54,277
You better marry me, Gladys Emmanuel,
before I run out of steam.
186
00:13:54,447 --> 00:13:57,883
Not until you drag this place
into the 20th century!
187
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:02,006
How do you manage to do your laundry
with stuff like that?
188
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,476
-- It's easy.
-- How can it be easy?
189
00:14:04,647 --> 00:14:08,242
-- He does it.
-- Oh, the poor lad!
190
00:14:08,407 --> 00:14:10,875
You must be a blight on his adolescence.
191
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:16,278
-- Granville, come out of there at once.
-- Leave him alone.
192
00:14:16,447 --> 00:14:20,201
He's not alone.
He's got two friends in there with him!
193
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:23,723
-- Poor lad.
-- He'll be going dizzy with pleasure.
194
00:14:23,887 --> 00:14:28,199
-- I'm not sure he can breathe.
-- I can breathe! I can breathe!
195
00:14:29,087 --> 00:14:32,159
Don't talk with your mouth full. Come on.
196
00:14:32,327 --> 00:14:36,002
He's gone all unnecessary
around the jeans now, look.
197
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:42,402
When I get back, Arkwright, I want to see
a brand--new washing machine in there.
198
00:14:43,247 --> 00:14:44,839
Brand--new?!
199
00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:49,364
Brand--new. None of your tatty old bargains.
And a spin dryer.
200
00:14:49,527 --> 00:14:54,476
Spin...? Oh. I can't do that today.
I've got the VAT man coming.
201
00:14:54,647 --> 00:14:57,081
And tomorrow I'll be washing me hair.
202
00:14:58,087 --> 00:15:00,760
Oh, dear. If it's not one thing...
203
00:15:00,927 --> 00:15:04,158
-- How much is a new washing machine?
-- Don't know.
204
00:15:04,327 --> 00:15:07,637
No wonder if your head's stuck
in people's bosoms!
205
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:11,800
-- I couldn't help it.
-- Doesn't need any help, does it?
206
00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:17,200
It's doing perfectly well on its own
that bosom is, between the two of it.
207
00:15:18,487 --> 00:15:19,966
Look at that!
208
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:22,925
There's something vaguely clinical
209
00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:26,921
about a state--registered leg
climbing into a Morris Minor.
210
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:29,442
Oh, Granville, fetch a cloth.
211
00:15:31,407 --> 00:15:33,477
Oh, look at her.
212
00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:13,686
Take your time, Mavis.
We can't rush a decision like this.
213
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:16,517
Large loaf or small?
214
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:24,683
-- I'll have a large sliced loaf.
-- Large sliced loaf.
215
00:17:27,407 --> 00:17:29,875
No. No, I'll take a small one.
216
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,317
That'll do nicely for us two.
217
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,240
Unless his mother comes for suppertime.
218
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:43,046
Before we've decided what's for tea,
it is suppertime.
219
00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:46,961
-- It's the same at our house.
-- Really?
220
00:17:47,127 --> 00:17:50,278
-- I'll have a tin of beans.
-- Tin of beans, right.
221
00:17:51,087 --> 00:17:53,157
Ah. Now, then...
222
00:17:55,327 --> 00:17:57,397
Large or small?
223
00:17:59,207 --> 00:18:02,119
Have you anything in between?
224
00:18:02,287 --> 00:18:05,165
Only a couple of thumbs at the moment.
225
00:18:07,047 --> 00:18:09,925
-- Small.
-- That'll be 41p.
226
00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:12,647
There we are. A large loaf and a tin of beans.
227
00:18:13,607 --> 00:18:16,167
You know how to plan a meal, Mavis.
228
00:18:16,327 --> 00:18:19,080
Thank you very much. There we are.
229
00:18:19,247 --> 00:18:24,162
Here comes our friendly neighbourhood
VAT man. Excuse me, Mavis.
230
00:18:25,807 --> 00:18:28,765
-- Good morning, sir.
-- Damn dogs!
231
00:18:28,927 --> 00:18:33,921
Oh, dear. You certainly seem
to have got your 15% of that lot!
232
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:42,365
-- Is it off?
-- It doesn't smell too fresh to me.
233
00:18:43,607 --> 00:18:45,598
It ought to be on a leash.
234
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:49,362
That's what I always say.
And the dog too, preferably.
235
00:18:49,527 --> 00:18:52,883
Why don't you go through
to the warehouse, Mr O'Riley.
236
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:58,916
Mavis, I'll just leave you there deciding
whether or not to leave the shop.
237
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:05,438
Right. Here we are, Mr O'Connor.
Snug as a bug in a rug here.
238
00:19:05,607 --> 00:19:09,202
I wouldn't stay here very long if I were you.
239
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:12,484
-- We have a job to do.
-- Yes, I understand that.
240
00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:14,922
I meant on account of the mice.
241
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,237
Mice? You've got mice?
242
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:21,446
Not officially.
I can't show you a receipt for them.
243
00:19:22,807 --> 00:19:27,119
From time to time, a little grey chap
pokes his head out of there.
244
00:19:27,287 --> 00:19:29,960
Little? How little?
245
00:19:30,687 --> 00:19:32,882
Teeth like an alligator.
246
00:19:35,087 --> 00:19:37,760
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
247
00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:43,121
I'd like to have known my father.
248
00:19:43,287 --> 00:19:45,801
Yes. So would your mother.
249
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:52,160
You'd have thought she might
have told you something about him.
250
00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:57,117
Look at the price of this one!
It's terrible, is that.
251
00:19:57,287 --> 00:20:02,202
In my young day, I could have bought
a washerwoman for that.
252
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,164
A big one!
253
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:09,522
I wonder how tall my father was.
Do you think he was Hungarian?
254
00:20:09,687 --> 00:20:12,565
There were quite a few about at the time.
255
00:20:12,727 --> 00:20:17,243
And among your mother's last effects,
I did find a jar of paprika.
256
00:20:17,407 --> 00:20:21,400
-- I see him with a moustache.
-- No, no. That was your mother.
257
00:20:23,087 --> 00:20:27,444
I'll say one thing about her,
she certainly knew how to enjoy life
258
00:20:27,607 --> 00:20:30,246
without a flaming washing--machine.
259
00:20:30,407 --> 00:20:34,082
Look at the price!
Two hundred and twenty--two...
260
00:20:34,247 --> 00:20:38,365
Two hundred and twenty--two pounds,
twenty--two p!
261
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:42,557
I'm not paying that. I can't even say it!
262
00:20:43,127 --> 00:20:45,436
You'll have to get one.
263
00:20:46,807 --> 00:20:48,877
The nurse will be watching.
264
00:20:51,047 --> 00:20:53,845
Stay here and look after the shop, will you?
265
00:20:54,007 --> 00:20:56,999
Keep your eye on that VAT man.
266
00:20:57,167 --> 00:21:01,558
If he starts asking nasty questions,
just say that you no comprende.
267
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:05,356
-- Tell him your father was Hungarian.
-- Do you think he was?
268
00:21:05,527 --> 00:21:09,076
Well, he dropped a goulash with your mother.
269
00:21:24,487 --> 00:21:28,446
-- I thought it was you, Arkwright.
-- It's me, Neville.
270
00:21:28,607 --> 00:21:32,885
-- Just window shopping, are you?
-- I am at these p--prices.
271
00:21:33,047 --> 00:21:35,561
You're a hard man to bargain with.
272
00:21:35,727 --> 00:21:37,877
You can't win them all, Neville.
273
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,038
I'll tell you what I'll do.
274
00:21:40,207 --> 00:21:44,519
I'll give you a pound just to take
your custom to another shop.
275
00:21:44,687 --> 00:21:49,920
Neville, where's your sense of adventure?
I am looking for a new washing machine.
276
00:21:50,087 --> 00:21:52,362
-- A new one? You?
-- Aye.
277
00:21:52,527 --> 00:21:57,157
Big, glossy and new.
To be delivered immediately.
278
00:21:57,327 --> 00:22:02,685
Well, in that case, come inside. Come inside.
279
00:22:04,047 --> 00:22:08,438
-- To be delivered immediately.
-- Immediately. Only delivered.
280
00:22:08,607 --> 00:22:13,044
-- I'm not buying one at this sort of money.
-- I might have known.
281
00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:17,803
I just want it delivered, you see?
In full view of the street.
282
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:22,404
We'll take it in through the shop door,
whip it out through the back
283
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:24,797
and you can pick it up again.
284
00:22:24,967 --> 00:22:30,803
In return for which I'll undertake something
more modest in the reconditioned line.
285
00:22:32,687 --> 00:22:34,279
What?
286
00:22:35,327 --> 00:22:38,160
A second--hand one, you custard.
287
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:44,360
-- What are you doing?
-- Keep your voice down.
288
00:22:44,527 --> 00:22:47,360
It's a device for the VAT man.
289
00:22:47,527 --> 00:22:51,759
If I give a sharp tug on this string,
something runs over his foot.
290
00:22:51,927 --> 00:22:55,203
It's not a lorry, but it'll have to do.
291
00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:59,155
You're supposed to be watching out for Neville.
292
00:22:59,327 --> 00:23:02,797
-- We shall miss the nurse if you don't.
-- All right.
293
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:08,286
Aagh!
294
00:23:12,887 --> 00:23:15,765
Isn't there somewhere else I can work?
295
00:23:15,927 --> 00:23:19,715
What about the carpet department at Lewis's?
296
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:25,166
-- I've got a job to do here.
-- You're in the best place there.
297
00:23:25,327 --> 00:23:29,718
-- It's snug in there.
-- Something ran over my foot.
298
00:23:29,887 --> 00:23:33,243
That'll be Granville on the shop bike.
299
00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:36,046
It was a mouse. It felt like a mouse.
300
00:23:36,207 --> 00:23:38,402
Really? What colour?
301
00:23:38,567 --> 00:23:41,479
I don't know. What difference does it make?
302
00:23:41,647 --> 00:23:45,401
You'll soon find out
if it's that little grey beggar!
303
00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:48,559
If it's one of the brown ones, it's all right.
304
00:23:48,727 --> 00:23:51,605
One of the brown ones?
How many have you got?
305
00:23:51,767 --> 00:23:56,841
I don't know. I didn't realise I had
to itemise things as finely as that.
306
00:23:57,967 --> 00:24:00,686
-- Neville's coming!
-- Neville's coming.
307
00:24:05,207 --> 00:24:09,678
You're too early, Neville. She's not back yet.
Go round the block again.
308
00:24:15,447 --> 00:24:18,996
Where's that woman got to? What's the time?
309
00:24:21,447 --> 00:24:23,438
Look at that.
310
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:24,718
Listen. Get after Neville.
He's in the lorry. Get on your bike.
311
00:26:08,047 --> 00:26:10,038
Put it down there.
312
00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:26,355
(ARKWRIGHT) Inside. Come on.
313
00:26:34,687 --> 00:26:38,600
-- You've splashed out.
-- It's me new appliance.
314
00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:43,045
If you left your window open later,
I could pop up the ladder.
315
00:26:43,207 --> 00:26:46,517
-- No, you couldn't.
-- And sort out my old appliance.
316
00:26:46,687 --> 00:26:50,965
That old thing? What makes you think
that's of any earthly use?
317
00:26:51,127 --> 00:26:55,917
The best thing you can do with that
is paint it and stick a plant in it.
318
00:27:03,407 --> 00:27:06,126
Sorry. Back now. To me again.
319
00:27:06,287 --> 00:27:07,606
Right.
320
00:27:07,767 --> 00:27:13,000
-- I can't keep on being interrupted.
-- We've just got to take it out again.
321
00:27:13,167 --> 00:27:15,965
-- Out again?
-- Yes. Excuse me, lads.
322
00:27:16,127 --> 00:27:19,358
Straight out the back door now. Go on.
323
00:27:19,527 --> 00:27:22,200
Then get in the real stuff.
324
00:27:22,367 --> 00:27:25,598
I've put a strong motor in the spin dryer.
325
00:27:25,767 --> 00:27:28,759
It vibrates a bit, but if you lean on it, it's OK.
326
00:27:28,927 --> 00:27:31,885
That's what I'm always telling Granville.
327
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,483
How's it going, Granville?
328
00:27:38,647 --> 00:27:41,844
-- Water's hot. I'm going to switch it on.
-- Right.
329
00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:44,805
(CLUNKING AND WHIRRING)
330
00:27:49,327 --> 00:27:51,966
That doesn't sound too bad, does it?
331
00:27:52,807 --> 00:27:56,356
Why don't you try the spin dryer now?
The spin dryer.
332
00:27:56,527 --> 00:27:58,040
Right.
333
00:28:00,487 --> 00:28:02,955
(WHIRRING AND KNOCKING)
334
00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:11,444
-- Forget it!
-- Pardon?
335
00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:15,122
-- Forget it. I'll be back next year.
-- Forgotten it already.
336
00:28:17,567 --> 00:28:20,957
-- Oh. Hello, my love.
-- What's all that row?
337
00:28:21,127 --> 00:28:24,483
Oh, that's the news s--spin dryer.
338
00:28:24,647 --> 00:28:27,036
-- New?
-- Well...
339
00:28:37,487 --> 00:28:41,605
It's no good. It's not working.
Everything's getting knotted.
340
00:28:41,767 --> 00:28:44,201
And that goes for you too!
341
00:28:51,767 --> 00:28:53,598
I'm getting low on firelighters...
342
00:28:55,167 --> 00:28:57,806
but what can you expect at my age?
343
00:29:00,087 --> 00:29:03,079
I wonder if our Granville is Hungarian.
344
00:29:04,687 --> 00:29:09,761
He was muttering a weird language
while untying the knots in his best shirt.
345
00:29:12,087 --> 00:29:14,396
They don't know they're born.
346
00:29:15,407 --> 00:29:18,399
At his age, I never had a best shirt.
347
00:29:19,687 --> 00:29:23,157
People used to live two or three to a shirt
in them days.