1
00:00:38,006 --> 00:00:40,725
I'm getting worried about Granville.
2
00:00:40,886 --> 00:00:43,684
He's at a fu--fu--funny age.
3
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:49,517
That's nice. I'm s--stuttering
when I'm only thinking now.
4
00:01:04,206 --> 00:01:07,198
Granville, fetch a cloth.
5
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:29,475
-- Why do you always do that?
-- Do what?
6
00:01:29,646 --> 00:01:31,159
This.
7
00:01:31,326 --> 00:01:35,683
Oh, that's the shopkeeper's chafe.
We do that for luck
8
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:40,874
and to remember how much more fortunate
we are than the humble grasshopper.
9
00:01:41,046 --> 00:01:45,756
If he wants to make that sort of noise,
he has to rub his hind legs together.
10
00:01:45,926 --> 00:01:50,681
Imagine if shopkeepers did that.
What would that do to their overheads?
11
00:01:50,846 --> 00:01:53,679
Every morning though, it's this.
12
00:01:53,846 --> 00:01:58,317
You'll do it once too often
and your hands will burst into flames.
13
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:03,757
Do I detect in the heart of the embryo
shopkeeper an air of be--belligerence?
14
00:02:03,926 --> 00:02:07,396
Yes, you do detect
an air of be--be--belligerence!
15
00:02:08,206 --> 00:02:11,801
-- How many bolts are on here?
-- You can't be too careful.
16
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:17,165
It's very disturbing for a man to start his day
with all this Freudian symbolism.
17
00:02:17,326 --> 00:02:19,840
Who got out of bed the wrong side?
18
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,679
There's no right side this early.
19
00:02:22,846 --> 00:02:25,201
You want to get to bed at night.
20
00:02:25,366 --> 00:02:28,802
What? We don't even close till nine o'clock.
21
00:02:28,966 --> 00:02:32,163
If I go out,
it's midnight before I can turn round.
22
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:35,477
That's what you do, is it? Turning round.
23
00:02:36,486 --> 00:02:43,164
That's very dubious. No good will come
of young couples out late turning round.
24
00:02:43,326 --> 00:02:47,399
I don't know why we open up
at this time in the morning.
25
00:02:47,566 --> 00:02:52,401
I was dreaming I was cruising
down the main drag in Las Vegas.
26
00:02:52,566 --> 00:02:55,922
Las Vegas, is it? You and Bugsy Spiegel?
27
00:02:56,086 --> 00:02:58,964
We were looking for a hot fruit machine.
28
00:02:59,766 --> 00:03:01,757
There's one in the kitchen.
29
00:03:03,486 --> 00:03:05,841
-- Where?
-- The gas oven.
30
00:03:07,246 --> 00:03:10,636
After the early morning rush,
you can make an apple pie.
31
00:03:10,806 --> 00:03:14,082
Early morning rush? Six blokes and a sheepdog!
32
00:03:14,246 --> 00:03:18,956
Sometimes all at once. You want
to be ready for them. They'll be here soon.
33
00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:22,038
With no time to spare for that morning bus.
34
00:03:22,206 --> 00:03:26,085
Look at these fig biscuits.
We've got too many fig biscuits.
35
00:03:26,246 --> 00:03:28,316
Start pushing fig biscuits.
36
00:03:28,486 --> 00:03:34,038
My uncle gets me up before dawn so I can
open the door for somebody's sheepdog.
37
00:03:43,086 --> 00:03:48,604
-- See what he wants.
-- G--g--good morning. What can we do for you?
38
00:03:48,766 --> 00:03:52,281
Thank you very much. Hold on.
39
00:03:54,406 --> 00:03:58,638
He wants a large tin of baked beans
and a packet of firelighters.
40
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:02,116
You have a very unusual breakfast, sir,
if I may say.
41
00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:05,520
There we are. No fig biscuits?
42
00:04:05,686 --> 00:04:07,881
Do you want fig biscuits, sir?
43
00:04:08,046 --> 00:04:10,241
No. No fig biscuits.
44
00:04:10,406 --> 00:04:12,874
There you are. Off you go.
45
00:04:17,366 --> 00:04:21,917
And don't go cocking your leg
on the brushes and brooms.
46
00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:26,355
He's very obedient.
He didn't go anywhere near them.
47
00:04:26,526 --> 00:04:29,279
He did it over the seed display stand.
48
00:04:29,446 --> 00:04:32,165
I hope they don't start germinating.
49
00:04:32,326 --> 00:04:35,079
Doesn't it worry you that life is passing us by
50
00:04:35,246 --> 00:04:37,476
while we serve incontinent dogs?
51
00:04:37,646 --> 00:04:42,800
It doesn't worry me as long as they pay cash.
Get this money in the till.
52
00:04:42,966 --> 00:04:47,039
-- Why don't you get it in?
-- It'll warm you up. Get it in.
53
00:04:47,206 --> 00:04:51,040
-- You need waking up.
-- All right.
54
00:04:56,726 --> 00:05:00,958
Come on. You're not playing
the "Warsaw Concerto". Get it in.
55
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:03,196
I don't like it. It's dangerous.
56
00:05:03,366 --> 00:05:05,880
You big girl's blouse! Give it here.
57
00:05:17,206 --> 00:05:21,643
I'm going to open that up one morning
and find it full of loose fingers.
58
00:05:21,806 --> 00:05:24,274
-- Get off.
-- There you go again.
59
00:05:24,446 --> 00:05:27,597
Make the most of it
while you've still got fingers.
60
00:05:27,766 --> 00:05:29,802
There's n--no need for you to do it.
61
00:05:29,966 --> 00:05:33,481
-- "There's n--no need for you to do it"!
-- Shut up, you!
62
00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:36,839
I have to keep my hands at room temperature
63
00:05:37,006 --> 00:05:41,602
in case I have to decant any of that
sparkling vintage full--bodied white --
64
00:05:41,766 --> 00:05:44,326
known locally as Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
65
00:05:45,286 --> 00:05:47,481
Give it up. She's never going to marry you.
66
00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:50,035
We're engaged. Why shouldn't she?
67
00:05:50,206 --> 00:05:54,722
-- Your interests aren't broad enough.
-- She's broad enough for both of us.
68
00:05:54,886 --> 00:05:59,118
She wants more than somebody
who can calculate percentages in his head.
69
00:05:59,286 --> 00:06:04,314
That's just a knack with me.
I've been knackered with that since birth.
70
00:06:05,246 --> 00:06:08,443
Get up! Here they come hot foot
for the first bus!
71
00:06:08,606 --> 00:06:12,121
Hello, Mr Glastonbury.
There's the usual, there we are.
72
00:06:12,286 --> 00:06:15,995
There we are, Mr Rafferty.
20 mild and a box of matches.
73
00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:18,521
There you are. Whose hand is that?
74
00:06:18,686 --> 00:06:23,760
It's Mr Ellis. I thought it was a stranger
with yellow gloves. It's the nicotine.
75
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,884
Thank you. And that's your usual there.
76
00:06:27,046 --> 00:06:29,924
And there's yours. Anyone else? There we are.
77
00:06:30,086 --> 00:06:34,762
Just throw the papers on the floor.
My assistant will sweep them up.
78
00:06:35,806 --> 00:06:41,039
If he sweeps up a pair of lungs,
the owner can get them later.
79
00:06:42,766 --> 00:06:44,757
Better out than in.
80
00:06:48,206 --> 00:06:50,879
They're on the move. Open the door.
81
00:06:59,446 --> 00:07:02,916
Look. That was a saucepan before they came in.
82
00:07:05,406 --> 00:07:10,241
You know, there'd be less racket
and less fumes if we let the bus in here
83
00:07:10,406 --> 00:07:12,078
and they waited outside.
84
00:07:12,246 --> 00:07:15,602
A lot of effort goes into c--coughing like that.
85
00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:21,124
If I could harness all that energy,
I could heat this place for a week.
86
00:07:21,286 --> 00:07:24,915
Then maybe you'd let me
have some heat in my bedroom
87
00:07:25,086 --> 00:07:28,840
instead of being in with the perishables
from the cold store.
88
00:07:29,006 --> 00:07:33,557
The last thing a lad like you wants
at your tricky age is a warm bedroom.
89
00:07:33,726 --> 00:07:38,800
Do you know how many unnatural practices
are attributable to c--central heating?
90
00:07:38,966 --> 00:07:42,515
Talking of 'eating.
Go and get us some breakfast.
91
00:07:42,686 --> 00:07:47,202
That's an unnatural practice.
Eating in the middle of the night.
92
00:07:48,406 --> 00:07:53,639
What's happened to Mr Harris?
I hope he hasn't given up coughing for Lent.
93
00:07:55,886 --> 00:07:59,322
-- Oh, dear, brazen is this.
-- What is?
94
00:07:59,486 --> 00:08:01,158
-- This page.
-- Which page?
95
00:08:01,326 --> 00:08:04,762
-- The page with your fingermarks on it.
-- Oh, that page.
96
00:08:04,926 --> 00:08:07,838
Full of young ladies' upper attributes.
97
00:08:08,006 --> 00:08:10,759
Change it to something with more substance.
98
00:08:10,926 --> 00:08:14,282
I don't think I could handle any more substance.
99
00:08:14,446 --> 00:08:18,485
Oh, look at her.
She's got more front than Eastbourne.
100
00:08:18,646 --> 00:08:23,800
Take a serious newspaper. Prove to Nurse
Gladys that you've got other interests.
101
00:08:23,966 --> 00:08:26,605
She won't let me prove my first interest!
102
00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:31,521
-- (BELL JANGLES)
-- Can you get that? Me hands are all floury.
103
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:37,234
Sharpened his reflexes,
nearly missing a customer last week.
104
00:08:37,406 --> 00:08:39,601
-- Morning, Mrs Blewett.
-- Is it?
105
00:08:39,766 --> 00:08:42,644
Not if you have to run about after him.
106
00:08:42,806 --> 00:08:46,765
64 years old
and he can't keep a button on his shirt!
107
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,394
A tin of polish and a bottle of bleach.
108
00:08:49,566 --> 00:08:53,684
-- Another tin of polish, Mrs Blewitt?
-- They don't go very far.
109
00:08:53,846 --> 00:08:57,555
You must have a nice shiny place
to be miserable in.
110
00:08:57,726 --> 00:09:00,240
You'd be miserable if you lived with him.
111
00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:04,115
If he's not under me feet,
he's down at the British Legion
112
00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:07,881
trying to drink his way
through the Second World War.
113
00:09:08,046 --> 00:09:11,641
I wouldn't mind,
but he only got as far as Aldershot.
114
00:09:13,246 --> 00:09:16,716
-- Just you and him now, is it?
-- More's the pity.
115
00:09:16,886 --> 00:09:19,844
-- He never was any help.
-- How many kids was it?
116
00:09:20,006 --> 00:09:22,759
-- Seven.
-- How much help do you want?
117
00:09:24,406 --> 00:09:28,194
It explains a few of them missing buttons.
There we are.
118
00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:31,995
-- Is that a strong bleach?
-- Strong? That's lethal.
119
00:09:32,166 --> 00:09:35,841
You can hear it
seething in the bottle on a still night.
120
00:09:36,006 --> 00:09:39,601
-- You'll not have seen Mrs Moffat.
-- No, not this morning.
121
00:09:39,766 --> 00:09:42,485
-- Nor yesterday.
-- No.
122
00:09:42,646 --> 00:09:45,604
-- She has been seen.
-- Has she?
123
00:09:45,766 --> 00:09:48,075
-- In Chesterfield.
-- Oh.
124
00:09:48,246 --> 00:09:51,682
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's not illegal.
125
00:09:51,846 --> 00:09:55,316
-- That's where he lives.
-- He? Who?
126
00:09:56,966 --> 00:09:59,639
Her fancy man. In Chesterfield.
127
00:09:59,806 --> 00:10:02,274
Her fa--fa--fa--fa...
128
00:10:03,966 --> 00:10:06,560
Her fa... Her boyfriend?
129
00:10:06,726 --> 00:10:10,639
-- Yes. She's had him for years.
-- Oh.
130
00:10:10,806 --> 00:10:13,923
I suppose he's had her as well.
131
00:10:14,726 --> 00:10:18,514
Who'd have thought? She looks
such a quiet woman in that hat.
132
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:21,041
-- They're the worst.
-- Yes, I know.
133
00:10:21,206 --> 00:10:25,961
I should have known it all along
because she never did buy any.
134
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:30,961
-- Buy any what?
-- She never bought a packet of fig biscuits.
135
00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:37,802
At today's price, they present an economical
supplement to the household diet.
136
00:10:37,966 --> 00:10:40,560
-- Fig biscuits?
-- Yes, the very same.
137
00:10:40,726 --> 00:10:45,561
-- The chaste housewife's indicator.
-- What's so special about fig biscuits?
138
00:10:45,726 --> 00:10:48,559
Nothing that a customer would spot.
139
00:10:48,726 --> 00:10:52,639
It takes a lifetime of shopkeeping
to spot the connection.
140
00:10:52,806 --> 00:10:55,718
-- What connection?
-- The fig connection.
141
00:10:55,886 --> 00:11:01,165
Between the fig biscuit and honourable
womanhood. Don't ask me to explain it.
142
00:11:01,326 --> 00:11:04,762
But you show me a grocery list
without a fig biscuit
143
00:11:04,926 --> 00:11:09,204
and I will show you a housewife
of doubtful moral rectitude.
144
00:11:10,886 --> 00:11:14,515
That's a packet of bleach and a tin of polish.
145
00:11:14,686 --> 00:11:17,484
Yeah. And a packet of fig biscuits.
146
00:11:17,646 --> 00:11:22,356
And fig biscuits. There we are, Mrs Blewitt.
Thank you very much.
147
00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:28,844
Good day.
148
00:11:38,046 --> 00:11:41,925
Don't come too close, Arkwright.
This early I bruise easy.
149
00:11:42,086 --> 00:11:47,718
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, for whom
I have only the gentlest of intentions.
150
00:11:47,886 --> 00:11:51,720
You only go gentle when you're spending.
I'm going to work.
151
00:11:51,886 --> 00:11:55,765
I hate to think where these hands
would have been when they get back.
152
00:11:55,926 --> 00:12:00,442
If you're going to grab me,
do it while your fingers are still fresh.
153
00:12:00,606 --> 00:12:03,564
Out of the way, you silly beggar. You get worse.
154
00:12:03,726 --> 00:12:06,957
-- Allow me to assist you into your vehicle.
-- No, thanks.
155
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:11,199
Go on, Gladys. Let me give you
a helping hand where I need it.
156
00:12:11,366 --> 00:12:13,038
Clear off!
157
00:12:16,206 --> 00:12:20,961
If you're going to handle anything nasty,
put your gloves on.
158
00:12:33,126 --> 00:12:37,358
This shop bike's useless. It's totally clapped out.
159
00:12:37,526 --> 00:12:40,757
Like your mother, always striving for perfection.
160
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:46,558
-- There's a hell of a rattle down here.
-- Such was her reputation, I believe.
161
00:12:46,726 --> 00:12:49,081
At the height of her creative period.
162
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:53,637
-- A nice thing to say about your sister!
-- Half sister.
163
00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:56,445
We never did find out which half.
164
00:12:56,606 --> 00:13:01,475
Me father married again, you see.
He never got anything right the first time.
165
00:13:01,646 --> 00:13:04,365
We'll have to get this damn bike fixed.
166
00:13:04,526 --> 00:13:06,676
Oh, just j--jiggle it a bit.
167
00:13:06,846 --> 00:13:09,883
I spend half me life just j--jiggling it a bit.
168
00:13:11,206 --> 00:13:14,084
Your mother was wild and rebellious too.
169
00:13:14,246 --> 00:13:19,684
-- I can't remember what she looked like.
-- Big, beautiful and buxom.
170
00:13:19,846 --> 00:13:22,644
-- You take after your father.
-- What was he like?
171
00:13:22,806 --> 00:13:24,398
Lightning.
172
00:13:24,566 --> 00:13:28,400
Get these orders round
and don't take all day about it.
173
00:13:28,566 --> 00:13:30,716
Do you reckon he was Hungarian?
174
00:13:30,886 --> 00:13:35,243
She must have loved him
to have kept his identity secret.
175
00:13:35,406 --> 00:13:37,795
-- Or she couldn't pronounce it.
-- Yeah.
176
00:13:37,966 --> 00:13:40,434
If she hadn't met him, I wouldn't be here.
177
00:13:40,606 --> 00:13:44,599
You're not supposed to be here now!
You're supposed to be out.
178
00:13:44,766 --> 00:13:47,041
It makes you think though, doesn't it?
179
00:13:47,206 --> 00:13:52,564
What a narrow line there is between
who gets born and who doesn't get born.
180
00:13:52,726 --> 00:13:56,321
I could have been one of the nameless unborn.
181
00:13:57,566 --> 00:14:00,922
I would have thought of something to call you.
182
00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:09,524
Who's that stupid young twonk?
183
00:14:12,646 --> 00:14:15,001
Just some Hungarian.
184
00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:19,917
(KLAXON BLARES)
185
00:14:58,166 --> 00:14:59,963
(KLAXON)
186
00:15:12,486 --> 00:15:15,922
I better have a tin of...soup.
187
00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:19,522
One tin of soup, Mavis. Large or small?
188
00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:22,724
Large.
189
00:15:24,366 --> 00:15:26,357
No. Small.
190
00:15:28,566 --> 00:15:32,115
Oxtail? Mulliga--mulli--tawn...
191
00:15:32,286 --> 00:15:34,561
Mulliga--mu--mu--mulliga...
192
00:15:36,246 --> 00:15:38,635
M--mulli... Tomato?
193
00:15:41,086 --> 00:15:42,565
Oxtail.
194
00:15:42,726 --> 00:15:46,844
-- Oxtail.
-- No. I'd better take tomato.
195
00:15:47,006 --> 00:15:48,803
-- Tomato.
-- Yes.
196
00:15:50,446 --> 00:15:52,437
Unless you've got...
197
00:15:55,526 --> 00:15:57,323
Scotch broth?
198
00:15:57,486 --> 00:16:00,284
Scotch broth? That's very exotic.
199
00:16:00,446 --> 00:16:03,677
I haven't got a small tin.
I'll only have a large tin.
200
00:16:03,846 --> 00:16:08,078
-- Oh.
-- Well, I can't cut them in half, Mavis.
201
00:16:09,206 --> 00:16:11,276
It all plops out, you see.
202
00:16:11,446 --> 00:16:17,362
I'll tell you what. I'll sell you one large tin
but only charge you for two small tins.
203
00:16:17,526 --> 00:16:19,596
Thank you, Mr Arkwright.
204
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:31,074
I don't now whether I ought
to take a tin of luncheon meat.
205
00:16:31,246 --> 00:16:33,237
-- Is it on your list?
-- Yes.
206
00:16:47,566 --> 00:16:50,000
But I crossed it out.
207
00:17:21,526 --> 00:17:24,324
(KLAXONS BLARE)
208
00:17:36,086 --> 00:17:38,600
Get off, you daft beggar!
209
00:17:41,926 --> 00:17:44,918
You're a lovely mover, Granville!
210
00:17:47,526 --> 00:17:50,563
We've all got to move with the times,
Mr Arkwright.
211
00:17:52,926 --> 00:17:57,044
What you ought to try are
some of our new Inspirational toilet...
212
00:18:03,006 --> 00:18:04,724
Sorry.
213
00:18:09,926 --> 00:18:13,805
-- You don't care about me.
-- I feed you and clothe you.
214
00:18:13,966 --> 00:18:16,719
Yes. Send me out on an antique shop bike.
215
00:18:16,886 --> 00:18:18,717
It's a grand little machine.
216
00:18:18,886 --> 00:18:23,357
It doesn't do much for my image.
Other people my age have sports cars.
217
00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:28,281
Listen, little sport. You did enough damage
to that driver with your bike.
218
00:18:28,446 --> 00:18:33,236
-- You don't care about me.
-- You go too fast on that bike, Granville.
219
00:18:33,406 --> 00:18:35,522
My only excitement is a bit of speed.
220
00:18:35,686 --> 00:18:41,318
If I hadn't been there, you would have been
savaged by an Inspirational toilet roll holder.
221
00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:44,000
A thought for the day on every leaf.
222
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:47,636
I bet he was having a few thoughts
for the day himself!
223
00:18:47,806 --> 00:18:51,355
I had to buy two dozen of these
to cool him down.
224
00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:55,155
What do I do with two dozen Inspirational
toilet rolls?
225
00:18:55,326 --> 00:19:01,037
And I don't... I don't want any earthy
suggestions from you, Cinderella.
226
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:04,437
Get that wood down the cellar
or you won't go to the ball.
227
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,677
Open the trap. My hands are full.
228
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:14,115
My hands are full with a speed--crazed
Hungarian like you! Come on.
229
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,197
There's no variety in my life.
230
00:19:16,366 --> 00:19:20,154
You're going down the cellar.
How much excitement do you want?
231
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,760
I don't know why we got rid of the van.
232
00:19:22,926 --> 00:19:25,315
You do know why we got rid of the van.
233
00:19:25,486 --> 00:19:29,161
Because you couldn't sleep
every time they put petrol up!
234
00:19:29,326 --> 00:19:33,035
If I'm going to ride that bike,
I'm going to get it done up.
235
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:36,482
I'm going to get myself a few accessories.
236
00:19:38,006 --> 00:19:41,715
Clear that cellar out
while you're down there, will you?
237
00:19:41,886 --> 00:19:45,845
And if you find a rusty old lamp, don't rub it.
238
00:19:51,126 --> 00:19:53,117
Hello, Mavis. Back again?
239
00:19:53,286 --> 00:19:56,676
On second thoughts,
I think I'll take the other brand.
240
00:19:56,846 --> 00:19:59,883
-- Are you sure?
-- Yes. I've made me mind up.
241
00:20:00,046 --> 00:20:03,482
My goodness,
you do seem very sure of yourself.
242
00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:06,080
Have you been having a nip at the sherry?
243
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:11,036
It changes me personality. Shopping
becomes a completely new experience.
244
00:20:11,206 --> 00:20:15,882
You naughty thing. I'll go to the warehouse
and get you a packet.
245
00:20:16,046 --> 00:20:20,995
While I'm gone, try to keep your eyes
off the Inspirational toilet rolls,
246
00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:23,157
which are spoken for.
247
00:20:23,326 --> 00:20:26,796
If it was me, I'd let you have some,
but it's impossible.
248
00:20:27,966 --> 00:20:31,436
-- Are they new?
-- Yes. But don't tempt yourself.
249
00:20:34,486 --> 00:20:36,283
(GRANVILLE) Aye up!
250
00:20:40,126 --> 00:20:42,924
I'm talking to you. Can you hear me?
251
00:20:50,846 --> 00:20:53,121
Is anybody there?
252
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,356
Where's he gone?
253
00:20:55,526 --> 00:20:57,835
He's in the warehouse.
254
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:01,794
-- Who's that?
-- They call me Mavis.
255
00:21:01,966 --> 00:21:04,321
Oh, hello, Mavis.
256
00:21:06,126 --> 00:21:07,605
Hello.
257
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:11,361
Here you are. If that's no good,
we've got Brand X left.
258
00:21:11,526 --> 00:21:13,676
Mr Arkwright, I heard a little voice.
259
00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:17,680
I suppose it told you to change back
to the other detergent.
260
00:21:17,846 --> 00:21:19,564
-- No.
-- No?
261
00:21:19,726 --> 00:21:22,445
No. It said "Hello, Mavis."
262
00:21:22,606 --> 00:21:24,597
Did it? A little...
263
00:21:25,726 --> 00:21:30,083
Oh, did it?
Well, that sounds most friendly...
264
00:21:30,246 --> 00:21:34,398
It doesn't appear to everyone, you know.
You're in luck.
265
00:21:34,566 --> 00:21:36,284
Who could it be?
266
00:21:36,446 --> 00:21:38,562
We've made exhaustive inquiries
267
00:21:38,726 --> 00:21:44,323
and concluded that it's the spirit
of a Victorian shopkeeper
268
00:21:44,486 --> 00:21:47,637
who likes to keep his finger
on the pulse of trade.
269
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:50,843
-- His finger?
-- It's only metaphorical, Mavis.
270
00:21:51,006 --> 00:21:54,043
Nothing you need tell your husband about.
271
00:21:54,206 --> 00:22:00,156
But this particular spirit seems to have
a very good eye for a good quality buy.
272
00:22:00,326 --> 00:22:04,717
If you were fortunate enough to hear him
recommend today's best buy,
273
00:22:04,886 --> 00:22:07,275
then I would not hesitate.
274
00:22:07,446 --> 00:22:12,566
Tell you what, the best place to stand
to hear the voice is about there.
275
00:22:12,726 --> 00:22:16,719
All right, Mavis.
Shut your eyes and concentrate.
276
00:22:16,886 --> 00:22:21,277
That's the idea. Speak, O experienced one.
277
00:22:21,446 --> 00:22:23,437
(GRANVILLE) You what?
278
00:22:23,606 --> 00:22:25,119
Ow!
279
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:31,919
-- What is today's b--best buy?
-- Fig biscuits?
280
00:22:32,086 --> 00:22:34,520
Speak again, O learned one.
281
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:39,604
(BOOMING VOICE) Fig biscuits!
282
00:22:41,366 --> 00:22:44,836
-- What did he say, Mavis?
-- It sounded like fig biscuits.
283
00:22:45,006 --> 00:22:49,079
That's what I thought.
That's one of my today's best bargains.
284
00:22:49,246 --> 00:22:52,238
Turn round. He's coming through again.
285
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:56,841
(MONK--LIKE CHANT) Inspirational toilet roll.
286
00:22:58,366 --> 00:23:04,805
-- Louder, Sir Jasper.
-- Inspirational toilet roll!
287
00:23:04,966 --> 00:23:10,723
Oh. And how many should the lady buy
in order to ensure good luck?
288
00:23:10,886 --> 00:23:12,558
Two...
289
00:23:13,246 --> 00:23:14,725
Oh!
290
00:23:17,846 --> 00:23:22,476
-- How many?
-- Oh, hell! Two...hell. Twelve!
291
00:23:22,646 --> 00:23:25,080
Twelve? I see. Thank you.
292
00:23:25,246 --> 00:23:28,795
Thank you, old Victorian shopkeeper.
Over and out.
293
00:23:30,006 --> 00:23:34,557
Well, Mavis. That's two lucky buys
you were given today. I say.
294
00:23:34,726 --> 00:23:39,197
(ARKWRIGHT) Inspirational toilet rolls --
a dozen of those. There we are.
295
00:23:39,366 --> 00:23:41,357
One packet of fig biscuits.
296
00:23:41,526 --> 00:23:44,802
That comes to £4 exactly, Mavis.
297
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:49,437
Mind how you go. Though now you can go
as often as you like!
298
00:23:54,326 --> 00:23:57,557
With those fig biscuits, she'll need that lot.
299
00:24:00,966 --> 00:24:03,275
You shouldn't pull her leg like that.
300
00:24:03,446 --> 00:24:08,600
You can't afford scruples when you've
overbought on Inspirational toilet rolls.
301
00:24:08,766 --> 00:24:11,963
Let's see. That's 12 down and 12 to go.
302
00:24:12,126 --> 00:24:16,642
-- Can I have a bun?
-- Course you can. There's more than enough.
303
00:24:16,806 --> 00:24:22,039
-- Have I ever deprived you of anything?
-- Only a satisfactory love life.
304
00:24:22,206 --> 00:24:24,197
Well, eat your bun.
305
00:24:25,926 --> 00:24:28,599
-- All right, are they?
-- Lovely.
306
00:24:28,766 --> 00:24:33,123
-- I didn't think you'd let me have one.
-- You wound me at times.
307
00:24:33,286 --> 00:24:34,958
Like when?
308
00:24:35,126 --> 00:24:39,165
The time I sat on your bicycle clips
springs to mind.
309
00:24:39,326 --> 00:24:41,317
How's the cream? Is it nice?
310
00:24:41,486 --> 00:24:46,196
-- It's lovely.
-- I'm not really mean to you, am I?
311
00:24:46,366 --> 00:24:48,561
No, not to me. To everybody.
312
00:24:50,326 --> 00:24:55,241
That's just a façade.
Remember, I brought you up from this high.
313
00:24:55,406 --> 00:24:58,125
Admittedly, not very far.
314
00:24:58,286 --> 00:25:01,403
I know I'm too small for elegant women.
315
00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:06,321
Yes, but you're just the right size
for a nice shop bike, aren't you?
316
00:25:07,126 --> 00:25:10,880
You're getting all sticky. Have a piece of this.
317
00:25:11,046 --> 00:25:13,196
You're being very agreeable today.
318
00:25:13,366 --> 00:25:16,278
A little thoughtfulness never comes amiss.
319
00:25:16,446 --> 00:25:19,597
-- Is that what it says there?
-- No. I said that.
320
00:25:19,766 --> 00:25:22,041
Here it says, "A thought for today.
321
00:25:22,206 --> 00:25:25,039
"Don't forget that yesterday was the tomorrow
322
00:25:25,206 --> 00:25:28,562
"you worried about the day before yesterday."
323
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:34,802
-- I don't get that.
-- No. Wipe your fingers.
324
00:25:34,966 --> 00:25:37,526
That'll be 50p exactly, please.
325
00:25:39,166 --> 00:25:43,000
-- Just for one bun?
-- No. And the toilet roll as well.
326
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:46,238
Don't moan. I've knocked 5p off for you.
327
00:25:46,406 --> 00:25:50,957
That's a lovely roll. Stick a bit of cheese
in it and it'll be lovely.
328
00:25:51,126 --> 00:25:55,085
There we are. One pound, 50p to take.
There we go.
329
00:25:56,206 --> 00:26:00,597
You wouldn't get this sort
of economic training... Aaagh!
330
00:26:05,926 --> 00:26:09,999
Shall I close the trapdoor
or will you put up with the draught?
331
00:26:24,366 --> 00:26:26,163
Give me your hand.
332
00:26:26,326 --> 00:26:27,884
Not there!
333
00:26:28,046 --> 00:26:30,401
You're worse on one leg than you are on two!
334
00:26:30,566 --> 00:26:33,444
You have to make allowances for shock.
335
00:26:33,606 --> 00:26:35,961
With you, I know all about shock.
336
00:26:36,126 --> 00:26:38,686
You gave me half a dozen driving home!
337
00:26:38,846 --> 00:26:41,076
I was holding your knee for luck.
338
00:26:41,246 --> 00:26:45,364
-- Your luck ran out, didn't it?
-- Aye, it did.
339
00:26:45,526 --> 00:26:48,484
I never thought you'd hit a cripple.
340
00:26:48,646 --> 00:26:51,399
Especially at a busy junction.
341
00:26:51,806 --> 00:26:54,036
Put your arm round me neck.
342
00:26:54,206 --> 00:26:56,276
Ooh!
343
00:27:01,446 --> 00:27:04,802
-- What are you doing?
-- I'll think of something.
344
00:27:05,486 --> 00:27:08,398
-- Is he having a fit?
-- I'm game if she is.
345
00:27:08,566 --> 00:27:11,364
Help me get him to his feet.
346
00:27:12,326 --> 00:27:15,284
It's like fighting off a gang of pickpockets.
347
00:27:15,446 --> 00:27:18,438
-- Give me your hand. Oh.
-- There.
348
00:27:18,606 --> 00:27:20,995
-- Oh.
-- All right?
349
00:27:22,686 --> 00:27:25,484
-- How is his leg?
-- Oh, he'll be all right.
350
00:27:25,646 --> 00:27:28,604
It's his hands that ought to be in plaster.
351
00:27:28,766 --> 00:27:33,362
He can't wait to get inside and make sure
I've not ruined his business
352
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:35,323
while he's been away.
353
00:27:35,486 --> 00:27:38,956
-- He thought about you.
-- Did he?
354
00:27:39,126 --> 00:27:42,243
While he was still drowsy from the anaesthetic.
355
00:27:42,406 --> 00:27:44,681
Oh. Go on.
356
00:27:45,846 --> 00:27:49,475
-- Did he?
-- "Ring our Granville," he said.
357
00:27:49,646 --> 00:27:53,082
"And see if he's sold
them other 12 toilet rolls."
358
00:28:00,846 --> 00:28:04,839
I'll get closed up and give
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel a ring.
359
00:28:05,006 --> 00:28:07,839
I'm a bona fide patient now.
360
00:28:08,646 --> 00:28:14,278
I wonder what a State Registered Nurse
would do for 12 Inspirational toilet rolls?
361
00:28:16,566 --> 00:28:20,002
I hope our Granville's
not going to be out too late,
362
00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:22,475
up to his Hungarian tricks.
363
00:28:22,646 --> 00:28:27,720
Oh, Lord, if you're listening, keep him away
from expensive women.
364
00:28:29,126 --> 00:28:33,802
Especially that lot down where he keeps
losing his bicycle clips.
365
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:37,435
And PS, Lord...
366
00:28:37,606 --> 00:28:40,643
Remind our Granville in future
to keep his trap shut.