1
00:00:42,902 --> 00:00:46,497
-- Well? How much?
-- I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
2
00:00:46,662 --> 00:00:48,857
Come on, me arms are aching up here.
3
00:00:49,742 --> 00:00:52,415
And my wallet's aching down here!
4
00:00:52,582 --> 00:00:55,540
It's me that has to throw the money away.
5
00:00:55,702 --> 00:00:59,377
Let's forget it.
You're not built for making reductions.
6
00:00:59,542 --> 00:01:04,093
A modern shopkeeper has to give reductions
to get the people in.
7
00:01:04,262 --> 00:01:06,139
Well, how much?
8
00:01:07,182 --> 00:01:09,935
-- 28p.
-- Are you sure?
9
00:01:10,102 --> 00:01:13,617
Get it writ at 28 per--per--p!
10
00:01:19,542 --> 00:01:21,100
Right.
11
00:01:42,182 --> 00:01:44,173
Make it 29.
12
00:02:36,902 --> 00:02:39,257
Oh, yes, a bit nippy.
13
00:02:40,182 --> 00:02:43,572
A tinge of metallics in the air,
but at least it's fine.
14
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:46,812
It'll be a nice day for the wedding.
15
00:02:46,982 --> 00:02:50,292
How can you tell? It's the middle of the night!
16
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,930
Moonlit wedding. There's a novelty.
17
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:03,851
One of these days,
you'll be going to my wedding.
18
00:03:04,022 --> 00:03:08,300
Hang on a minute.
Who'll be looking after the shop? No, no.
19
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:12,458
Tell you what,
I'll bring you back a p--piece of bridesmaid.
20
00:03:13,582 --> 00:03:16,335
You'd close the shop on your own wedding day!
21
00:03:16,502 --> 00:03:20,939
Close the shop? It's easy to see
you've got Hungarian blood, Granville.
22
00:03:21,102 --> 00:03:23,775
You've got restless gypsy feet.
23
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:27,378
Your eyeballs are none too steady
of a morning either.
24
00:03:27,542 --> 00:03:32,457
I don't understand your attitude.
You're always angling for time off.
25
00:03:32,622 --> 00:03:35,853
I never get any.
I never have time to go out with girls.
26
00:03:36,022 --> 00:03:40,140
All the girls in the area
know that your evenings are f--free.
27
00:03:40,302 --> 00:03:42,816
With what I get paid, they have to be free!
28
00:03:42,982 --> 00:03:46,736
What evenings?
We don't close till nine o'clock at night.
29
00:03:46,902 --> 00:03:49,894
One day, Granville, all this will be yours.
30
00:03:50,062 --> 00:03:53,657
Lock--lock--lock--lock--lock, stock and barrel.
31
00:03:54,662 --> 00:03:58,894
-- I'm always telling you this.
-- Yes. Every time I ask for a rise.
32
00:03:59,062 --> 00:04:01,451
Supposing I wanted to get married.
33
00:04:04,142 --> 00:04:08,181
-- What have you been up to?
-- I haven't been up to anything.
34
00:04:08,342 --> 00:04:11,539
You don't get out till nine.
You shouldn't have had time!
35
00:04:11,702 --> 00:04:13,533
I haven't had time!
36
00:04:13,702 --> 00:04:18,014
By the time I get to the girls,
it's like arriving late at the market.
37
00:04:18,182 --> 00:04:20,571
All the best goods have been snapped up.
38
00:04:20,742 --> 00:04:25,452
All that's left is the overripe stuff
that everyone's been prodding and poking.
39
00:04:25,622 --> 00:04:30,491
Don't worry about me getting married.
It's just a hypothetical question.
40
00:04:30,662 --> 00:04:33,938
You keep your hypotheticals under control.
41
00:04:34,662 --> 00:04:37,734
What kind of age are you to be getting married?
42
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:40,211
Old enough. I've been voting for ages.
43
00:04:40,382 --> 00:04:43,101
And look at the mess the country's in!
44
00:04:43,262 --> 00:04:45,935
If you can't do better than that, stay single.
45
00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,252
I feel ridiculous at my age.
46
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:53,018
The virgin grocer! Them two getting married
today are younger than me.
47
00:04:53,182 --> 00:04:57,460
There's plenty of time. I'm just having
thoughts of marriage at my age.
48
00:04:57,622 --> 00:05:01,661
If you don't hurry up,
thoughts will be all you're capable of!
49
00:05:03,062 --> 00:05:07,180
I am hurrying up. My fiancée
in yonder bedroom and myself
50
00:05:07,342 --> 00:05:11,779
are just waiting until her dear mother
can get settled somewhere else.
51
00:05:11,942 --> 00:05:15,014
-- Like where?
-- The crematorium?
52
00:05:16,742 --> 00:05:18,733
I'm going to tell the nurse you said that!
53
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:21,780
You keep your virgin trap shut, you!
54
00:05:21,942 --> 00:05:26,458
She'd kill me if she heard me say that.
She's very fond of her mother.
55
00:05:26,622 --> 00:05:29,216
I stand at the bedside sometimes
56
00:05:29,382 --> 00:05:33,933
watching her patiently minister
to that dear, frail, old lady.
57
00:05:34,102 --> 00:05:37,697
I get this lump in me throat.
It's her mother's elbow!
58
00:05:38,502 --> 00:05:44,054
She can't stand me. She sits in her pink
woolly bed--jacket, spitting biscuit crumbs,
59
00:05:44,222 --> 00:05:48,454
doing this impersonation
of someone who's going to live forever.
60
00:05:48,622 --> 00:05:54,811
As a consequence, Nurse Gladys and I have
to snatch such moments we can of p--privacy.
61
00:05:54,982 --> 00:05:59,214
Here, come and help me
carry the ladder up. Come on.
62
00:06:02,942 --> 00:06:05,934
You can't knock her up this time in the morning.
63
00:06:06,102 --> 00:06:08,821
Would you care to rephrase that?
64
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,419
-- Sshh!
-- All right.
65
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,654
Suppose she's been up all night
delivering babies?
66
00:06:17,822 --> 00:06:21,417
You just stand here
and hold the ba--bottom of this ladder.
67
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:24,335
What are you going to hold the bare bottom of?
68
00:06:27,702 --> 00:06:31,980
-- What if we get a customer?
-- Then you'll have to go and serve.
69
00:06:33,342 --> 00:06:35,333
What about the ladder?
70
00:06:35,502 --> 00:06:39,051
If I'm up it, leave it where it is,
you silly beggar.
71
00:06:39,222 --> 00:06:41,213
Who's going to hold it?
72
00:06:41,382 --> 00:06:44,499
I shall be all right once she opens her window.
73
00:06:44,662 --> 00:06:50,419
There must be all sorts of little places
that someone nimble can gain a finger hold,
74
00:06:50,582 --> 00:06:53,494
if my memory serves me correctly.
75
00:07:02,782 --> 00:07:04,898
(GENTLE TAPPING)
76
00:07:05,062 --> 00:07:07,053
Oh.
77
00:07:11,582 --> 00:07:13,095
Oh, dear.
78
00:07:13,742 --> 00:07:16,097
All right. I'm coming.
79
00:07:16,262 --> 00:07:18,093
(KNOCKING)
80
00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:22,856
All right! Have you rung the doctor?
81
00:07:26,502 --> 00:07:28,936
You great fool! What...?
82
00:07:30,502 --> 00:07:33,619
-- What are you doing up here?
-- Just passing.
83
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:38,854
You have a bosom, Nurse Gladys,
as soft as goose down.
84
00:07:39,022 --> 00:07:44,619
-- Shut up, you fool!
-- Of a size ideal for oven--ready chickens.
85
00:07:44,782 --> 00:07:50,061
You dozy barnpot, waking me up like this.
I thought you were an expectant father.
86
00:07:50,222 --> 00:07:52,497
I'm game if you are!
87
00:07:52,662 --> 00:07:57,452
Sshh! You'll wake me mother. She already
thinks you're a lunatic and she's right.
88
00:07:57,622 --> 00:07:59,692
Look at the time.
89
00:07:59,862 --> 00:08:02,820
You look at what you want.
I'll look at what I want!
90
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:07,658
And that's just what I want there.
Right there. Oh, careful!
91
00:08:07,822 --> 00:08:11,735
-- Where's Granville gone?
-- In the shop. You've got customers.
92
00:08:11,902 --> 00:08:15,258
I came to say we're going
to a wedding today, my love.
93
00:08:15,422 --> 00:08:19,381
I know that, you great fool!
It's not for hours yet. Go home!
94
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:22,261
I just wanted to check on your bread order.
95
00:08:23,542 --> 00:08:25,737
Is it two large whites?
96
00:08:25,902 --> 00:08:28,621
No, it isn't. It's a small farmhouse.
97
00:08:28,782 --> 00:08:33,060
Oh, how romantic.
Nurse Gladys, I appeal to you...
98
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:37,500
-- Not at this time in the morning. Go home!
-- Don't shut it. I'll fall!
99
00:08:37,662 --> 00:08:40,813
You'll be all right if you land on your wallet.
100
00:08:47,622 --> 00:08:49,101
What's wrong?
101
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:54,382
Take my advice -- never get your hand caught
in a State Registered Nurse.
102
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,491
(ENGINE REVS)
103
00:08:59,502 --> 00:09:02,221
Sounds like old Bristow on his motorbike.
104
00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:05,738
That's what I call a motorbike.
Wish I had one like that.
105
00:09:05,902 --> 00:09:08,860
You have full use of the company vehicle.
106
00:09:09,022 --> 00:09:13,379
Here he comes, look. Tango Red Leader,
bandits at nine o'clock!
107
00:09:19,862 --> 00:09:22,774
He looks like Action Man on his day off.
108
00:09:23,542 --> 00:09:25,612
Morning, Mr Bristow.
109
00:09:26,822 --> 00:09:28,813
Speak to yourself, Arkwright.
110
00:09:28,982 --> 00:09:33,021
Do you ever get the feeling
there's nobody inside there at all?
111
00:09:33,702 --> 00:09:37,536
-- Morning, Mr Bristow!
--He's completely vacant in there.
112
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,613
Good morning, Mr Bristow!
113
00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:43,491
Morning, Mr B--B--B... Bristow!
114
00:09:48,182 --> 00:09:51,936
(MUFFLED ) Shop! Anybody in there?
115
00:09:52,102 --> 00:09:54,332
Is there anybody in there?
116
00:09:54,502 --> 00:09:56,299
Hello, Mr Bristow.
117
00:09:58,542 --> 00:10:00,021
(MUMBLING)
118
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:02,412
What's he on about, Granville?
119
00:10:02,582 --> 00:10:04,174
(MUMBLING)
120
00:10:04,342 --> 00:10:06,776
I can't tell what he's on about.
121
00:10:06,942 --> 00:10:10,776
Sounds like he's got his head stuck
in a Russian wrestler's armpit.
122
00:10:10,942 --> 00:10:13,854
See if you can see his lips move.
123
00:10:14,022 --> 00:10:17,776
No, I can't see anything.
It's his visor. It's tinted.
124
00:10:17,942 --> 00:10:20,331
Why doesn't he open his lid?
125
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:24,575
I think he is trying to open it,
but it's not moving. It must be stuck.
126
00:10:24,742 --> 00:10:28,337
Stuck? Oh, dear,
I hope he can breathe in there, Granville.
127
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:32,177
-- I expect he can breathe.
-- See if he's going a funny colour.
128
00:10:34,022 --> 00:10:38,459
I can't see what colour he's going.
Through the visor, he looks black.
129
00:10:38,622 --> 00:10:41,978
Black?! Get him out of here, come on.
130
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,896
Come on.
He'll be much happier on the pavement.
131
00:10:46,902 --> 00:10:49,894
-- Why would he be happier on the pavement?
-- Listen...
132
00:10:50,062 --> 00:10:54,692
We are in peril, insurance--wise,
if he dies on the premises.
133
00:10:57,462 --> 00:11:01,057
See what I mean?
His last words, hopelessly scrambled.
134
00:11:01,222 --> 00:11:04,180
-- They're not his last words.
-- They are in here!
135
00:11:04,342 --> 00:11:07,254
He is not suffocating, it's just stuck.
136
00:11:07,422 --> 00:11:11,859
You made him jerk his head back
so fast, he jammed his visor.
137
00:11:12,022 --> 00:11:15,219
-- Tell you what...
-- What are you going to do with that?
138
00:11:15,382 --> 00:11:19,216
I'm going to give it a little tap with that.
That'll loosen it.
139
00:11:19,382 --> 00:11:21,418
Get your helmet on the counter.
140
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:24,540
-- That's right.
-- Come on, Mr Bristow.
141
00:11:24,702 --> 00:11:26,454
I'm not going to do it that way round.
142
00:11:27,422 --> 00:11:29,617
Have you seen me...?
143
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:39,655
There goes our regular order
for half a dozen razor blades.
144
00:11:45,302 --> 00:11:49,818
I'm not basically unattractive to women.
I'm small, but perfectly formed.
145
00:11:51,062 --> 00:11:56,295
That's very useful. You can get under
them bottom shelves with your duster.
146
00:11:58,022 --> 00:12:03,654
It says here that Scotland Yard are looking
for a very small man with one eye.
147
00:12:04,422 --> 00:12:07,858
If he's that small,
you'd think they'd use both eyes.
148
00:12:11,782 --> 00:12:15,741
I know nothing about women.
I wish me mother had kept a diary.
149
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:21,056
Only dull girls keep diaries.
The other kind don't get time.
150
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:26,613
You know that Mrs Bamforth at number 19?
She's got 12 children.
151
00:12:26,782 --> 00:12:29,091
Mrs Bamforth lives at number 12.
152
00:12:29,262 --> 00:12:31,492
Well, she's got 19 children, then.
153
00:12:31,662 --> 00:12:36,690
19? Her husband is a bully
and an idler and a drunk.
154
00:12:36,862 --> 00:12:39,376
Why would she want 19 children with him?
155
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:42,659
She was hoping he'd get lost in the crowd!
156
00:12:44,182 --> 00:12:45,820
Keep away from there.
157
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:51,181
There's something slipshod about a woman
who allows herself to have 19 children.
158
00:12:51,342 --> 00:12:53,902
I don't know how he had time to go to work.
159
00:12:54,902 --> 00:12:59,851
-- He didn't. He was on National Assistance.
-- I'm surprised he wasn't on crutches!
160
00:13:02,622 --> 00:13:05,420
-- I bet she doesn't keep a diary.
-- Ay, ay.
161
00:13:05,582 --> 00:13:09,860
Never mind daydreaming. I don't want
iron marks on those new trousers.
162
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:13,935
Don't worry. They're easier to press
than your old pair.
163
00:13:14,102 --> 00:13:19,335
They were so shiny that ironing them was
like taking a bobsleigh down the Cresta Run.
164
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:24,654
-- They were a bit slippery towards the end.
-- Towards both ends!
165
00:13:24,822 --> 00:13:28,656
All those years of rubbing up
against Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
166
00:13:28,822 --> 00:13:30,972
What happened to that old suit?
167
00:13:31,142 --> 00:13:33,531
She made me give it to War On Want.
168
00:13:33,702 --> 00:13:38,537
There's some poor native tribesman in
North Africa at this very moment, no doubt,
169
00:13:38,702 --> 00:13:41,341
wearing a blue p--pinstripe suit,
170
00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:44,619
wondering why he keeps sliding off his camel.
171
00:13:48,582 --> 00:13:51,654
Oh, dear. I hate ironing your clothes.
172
00:13:51,822 --> 00:13:56,942
You can hardly breathe for the smell of
mothballs. Why put mothballs in a new suit?
173
00:13:57,102 --> 00:14:01,573
You do know that you're the last person
in England to use mothballs?
174
00:14:01,742 --> 00:14:06,975
That might please the average moth,
but I don't see why you're crowing about it.
175
00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:11,420
That warehouse is full of boxes
of mothballs. They're not shifting.
176
00:14:11,582 --> 00:14:13,573
And you know why they're not shifting?
177
00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:16,700
Because nobody wants
to buy mothballs any more.
178
00:14:16,862 --> 00:14:21,936
Nobody buys mothballs any more because
nobody sells mothballs to anyone any more.
179
00:14:22,102 --> 00:14:26,254
You're one of the nobodies who's not
selling mothballs to anyone any more!
180
00:14:26,422 --> 00:14:30,654
A decent shopkeeper should be able
to sell anything he puts his mind to.
181
00:14:30,822 --> 00:14:35,816
You've got to make people want them,
create the desire for a decent mothball.
182
00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:38,860
Anybody who gets near you
at the wedding today
183
00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:41,980
will get all the mothballs he'll ever desire.
184
00:14:42,742 --> 00:14:47,020
That's what we need.
More strategy and sales planning.
185
00:14:47,182 --> 00:14:50,652
Instead of spending all morning
undoing motorcyclists.
186
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:54,132
Mrs Fielding thought you were going to kill him!
187
00:14:54,942 --> 00:14:59,777
I felt like killing him when I found out
all he wanted was a flint for his lighter!
188
00:15:00,622 --> 00:15:04,501
One flint! One flint! I had to split a pack,
did you know that?
189
00:15:20,302 --> 00:15:22,657
He's leaving you on your own?
190
00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:25,290
Aye. While he goes to the wedding.
191
00:15:25,462 --> 00:15:27,578
-- Wedding?
-- Aye. With the nurse.
192
00:15:27,742 --> 00:15:32,862
-- Her niece is getting married.
-- Well, she has my sympathy.
193
00:15:33,022 --> 00:15:38,574
Come on, Mrs Blewitt. Marriage can't
be all that bad -- not at the beginning.
194
00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:43,532
It's very depressing how people talk
about all the things I'm looking forward to.
195
00:15:43,702 --> 00:15:46,455
There must be some miracles left in life.
196
00:15:46,622 --> 00:15:51,571
Oh, there is. It's a miracle you haven't
just poked my eye out with that knife!
197
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,061
Sorry.
198
00:15:53,222 --> 00:15:56,578
I shan't get boiled ham
until your hand's steadier.
199
00:15:56,742 --> 00:16:00,735
I can't afford boiled ham
unless it's cut unemotionally.
200
00:16:01,582 --> 00:16:04,858
-- Give me four of them teacakes.
-- Four teacakes, aye.
201
00:16:05,022 --> 00:16:08,298
-- I'm safer with teacakes.
-- Right.
202
00:16:08,462 --> 00:16:10,737
You can't go wrong with teacakes...
203
00:16:13,502 --> 00:16:16,574
Oh, Granville! You're a bag of nerves!
204
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:19,779
Yes, I know. I'm sorry. It's me age.
205
00:16:19,942 --> 00:16:25,062
I've reached that stage when you're meant
to be sexual tension and raw edges.
206
00:16:25,222 --> 00:16:28,737
When you talk to people
and they think you're weird.
207
00:16:28,902 --> 00:16:32,372
Calm yourself, Granville.
Nobody thinks you're weird.
208
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:34,658
Yes, they do. They do.
209
00:16:36,182 --> 00:16:39,970
If you try to have a frank conversation
about things that matter.
210
00:16:40,142 --> 00:16:44,135
'Ere! I'm not having them.
They've been kicked all over the floor!
211
00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:48,580
No. I'm not going to sell these to you,
Mrs Blewitt. That's unhygienic.
212
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,858
I'll sell these to Mrs Tattersall.
213
00:16:51,742 --> 00:16:56,611
Why is it people can never communicate
deeper than talking about the government,
214
00:16:56,782 --> 00:17:01,412
or will her at 17 find true happiness
with her new fitted carpet?
215
00:17:01,582 --> 00:17:05,416
I don't think she stands a cat in hell's chance.
216
00:17:05,582 --> 00:17:08,779
It clashes with her three--piece suite.
217
00:17:08,942 --> 00:17:14,574
-- What she should have done...
-- There you go! Listen to you.
218
00:17:16,462 --> 00:17:20,899
Mrs Blewitt,
we have known each other for ages.
219
00:17:21,062 --> 00:17:23,132
You have had seven children.
220
00:17:23,302 --> 00:17:26,692
So you are a woman of wide human experience.
221
00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:31,731
Not so damn wide.
They were all from the same stable.
222
00:17:31,902 --> 00:17:37,499
But I respect your experience, Mrs Blewitt.
I'd be fascinated to hear about it.
223
00:17:37,662 --> 00:17:41,211
All females to me are a magical mystery.
224
00:17:42,302 --> 00:17:46,580
Don't be stupid, Granville!
Give me a packet of them jam tarts.
225
00:17:46,742 --> 00:17:51,418
Just explain to me why it is never possible
for people just to talk to me.
226
00:17:51,582 --> 00:17:54,221
-- Because you're weird.
-- There you are.
227
00:17:55,462 --> 00:17:58,135
Because I'm weird. Do you want any eggs?
228
00:17:58,302 --> 00:18:01,533
What's he on about? What's he getting at now?
229
00:18:01,702 --> 00:18:05,934
-- I just asked if you wanted some eggs.
-- Keep your eggs to yourself!
230
00:18:06,102 --> 00:18:08,696
What do you know about eggs at your age?
231
00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:14,978
Nothing. That'll be 98 pence, please,
Mrs Blewitt.
232
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:27,492
Keep the shelves well filled
and don't let Mrs Henderson poke the bread.
233
00:18:28,462 --> 00:18:32,216
Her index finger is very detrimental
to a sliced loaf.
234
00:18:32,382 --> 00:18:37,536
Which might explain the pained expression
on the face of Mr Henderson.
235
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:40,262
She could go through a cabbage with it.
236
00:18:40,422 --> 00:18:45,018
Be very nice to your customers,
especially awkward ones like Mrs B--B--B...
237
00:18:45,182 --> 00:18:47,252
Morning, Mrs B--Blewitt.
238
00:18:47,422 --> 00:18:49,982
Are you sure these hair nets are invisible?
239
00:18:50,142 --> 00:18:54,021
I'll say they are, yes.
We ran out of them last Friday.
240
00:18:54,902 --> 00:18:57,018
Since then I've sold 14.
241
00:18:58,102 --> 00:19:00,172
-- 98 pence, please.
-- 98 pence.
242
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:11,977
-- 2p change.
-- A wedding, is it?
243
00:19:12,142 --> 00:19:14,895
-- Yes.
-- You're getting a regular gadabout.
244
00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:18,577
That must be twice you've been out since 1976.
245
00:19:20,862 --> 00:19:24,252
That reminds me.
Have you got a can of air freshener?
246
00:19:24,422 --> 00:19:27,061
-- Certainly, Mrs Blewitt.
-- You need it!
247
00:19:33,582 --> 00:19:37,052
No matter how carefully we all tread, Granville,
248
00:19:37,222 --> 00:19:40,339
marriage -- the great reaper -- comes to us all.
249
00:19:40,502 --> 00:19:43,414
Even Mrs Blewitt went through it.
250
00:19:43,622 --> 00:19:46,341
I think she thinks I'm effeminate.
251
00:19:46,502 --> 00:19:49,619
Compared to her you probably are.
252
00:19:50,342 --> 00:19:54,415
Another thing. Do you realise
that I have never been to a wedding?
253
00:19:54,582 --> 00:19:58,052
I know, I know.
Your mother had the same problem.
254
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,893
Hello?
255
00:20:05,062 --> 00:20:10,136
It's only me from over the sea, said B--B--B...
256
00:20:10,302 --> 00:20:13,533
-- Is it Arkwright?
-- How did you guess? Can I come in?
257
00:20:13,702 --> 00:20:16,580
Come in. I shan't be a minute!
258
00:20:21,862 --> 00:20:25,218
Here, who's been buying sugar
at the supermarket?
259
00:20:25,382 --> 00:20:28,692
You're betrothed to a private grocer
260
00:20:28,862 --> 00:20:32,218
and you're being unfaithful to me
with the Co--op!
261
00:20:32,382 --> 00:20:37,251
-- It's your mother, isn't it?
-- That's right, shout. Wake her up.
262
00:20:37,422 --> 00:20:40,016
-- Cor...
-- What's wrong?
263
00:20:40,182 --> 00:20:44,175
That does the heart of an old shopkeeper
a lot of good.
264
00:20:44,342 --> 00:20:47,140
-- Do you like it?
-- Walk about a bit.
265
00:20:47,302 --> 00:20:53,218
Lovely! You'd better handcuff me now,
save a lot of arguments later, won't it?
266
00:20:55,382 --> 00:20:58,852
There won't be any arguments.
You're going to behave.
267
00:20:59,022 --> 00:21:03,140
I'm not looking as if I've just been mauled
by an escaped grocer.
268
00:21:04,582 --> 00:21:07,415
You see a handsome woman in a dress like that,
269
00:21:07,582 --> 00:21:11,097
it makes you wish you were 20 years
longer...younger!
270
00:21:12,182 --> 00:21:15,492
-- Whoo!
-- Ooh! Keep away.
271
00:21:15,662 --> 00:21:18,620
We should be looking for a little place together,
272
00:21:18,782 --> 00:21:21,057
but you keep knocking me hand away.
273
00:21:22,222 --> 00:21:25,737
-- Mothballs.
-- Do you want to buy some?
274
00:21:25,902 --> 00:21:28,621
No, it's you. You reek of mothballs.
275
00:21:28,782 --> 00:21:31,899
I know. That'll all blow away in the fresh air.
276
00:21:32,062 --> 00:21:34,257
I'll make damn sure it does!
277
00:21:41,102 --> 00:21:45,141
-- I'm going numb.
-- Good. I think I might like you numb.
278
00:21:45,302 --> 00:21:49,500
Suppose it does irreparable damage to my grip?
279
00:21:49,662 --> 00:21:52,017
I should be so lucky!
280
00:22:05,662 --> 00:22:08,017
All right. Put it on.
281
00:22:08,782 --> 00:22:11,740
Have you got somewhere warm I can put this?
282
00:22:11,902 --> 00:22:13,972
Try the exhaust pipe!
283
00:22:15,342 --> 00:22:17,617
Best offer I've had all day.
284
00:22:17,782 --> 00:22:20,854
-- Get in the car, you big idiot.
-- Hey, hey.
285
00:22:21,022 --> 00:22:23,582
When are we going to go to our own wedding?
286
00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:27,212
-- Let's get this one over first.
-- It's not the same though.
287
00:22:27,382 --> 00:22:30,499
-- Being a sp--spectator.
-- Have you thought about it?
288
00:22:30,662 --> 00:22:34,780
You must be joking?
That's all I ever do -- think about it.
289
00:22:34,942 --> 00:22:39,333
I'll show you how much I think about it.
I was in the shop the other day...
290
00:22:39,502 --> 00:22:42,380
-- Promise not to repeat this.
-- Get on with it.
291
00:22:42,542 --> 00:22:44,658
-- Promise.
-- Get on with it.
292
00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:48,610
I was serving Mrs Ellis
with six ounces of smoked bacon...
293
00:22:48,782 --> 00:22:51,421
I love the association -- me and bacon.
294
00:22:51,582 --> 00:22:54,858
-- You haven't heard the worst yet.
-- What did you do?
295
00:22:55,022 --> 00:22:59,334
I didn't realise till after she'd gone.
I let her walk out
296
00:22:59,502 --> 00:23:02,733
with six ounces of p--prime smoked bacon.
297
00:23:02,902 --> 00:23:06,133
-- What had you done?
-- Only charged her for four!
298
00:23:27,102 --> 00:23:29,297
Now what are you doing?
299
00:23:29,462 --> 00:23:34,297
I didn't know you were the kind of woman
who keeps driving men into lay--bys.
300
00:23:34,462 --> 00:23:37,772
(GLADYS) It's as bad as ever.
You can hardly breathe.
301
00:23:37,942 --> 00:23:42,299
-- What are you doing with me trousers?
-- They're worse than your jacket.
302
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:46,978
-- You'll have to take them off.
-- This is turning out quite a big day!
303
00:23:47,142 --> 00:23:51,340
They reek of mothballs. Get them off
and hang them out the window.
304
00:23:51,502 --> 00:23:54,221
-- I can't do that.
-- Nobody's going to see you.
305
00:23:54,382 --> 00:23:58,853
It's a quiet road. Get them off
and get a bit of breeze round them.
306
00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:04,255
I can't stand out there taking my trousers off.
Someone might come past.
307
00:24:04,422 --> 00:24:06,617
Well, take them off in here.
308
00:24:06,782 --> 00:24:10,695
-- What are you going to be doing?
-- You needn't worry.
309
00:24:10,862 --> 00:24:12,853
I'm going to sit here.
310
00:24:13,022 --> 00:24:17,777
I'm not likely to lose control
over the sight of you in your underpants.
311
00:24:18,422 --> 00:24:21,732
Doesn't seem natural
just taking them off in cold blood.
312
00:24:21,902 --> 00:24:24,462
Hurry up. We haven't got all day.
313
00:24:31,062 --> 00:24:35,453
Can't you turn your head away?
Admire the view or something.
314
00:24:36,262 --> 00:24:41,859
Heavens, man. My entire working life's
spent handling men with no trousers on.
315
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:46,971
That's something I can't help thinking about
every time you pass me a boiled sweet.
316
00:24:48,502 --> 00:24:51,335
-- Haven't you got them off yet?
-- No, I haven't.
317
00:24:51,502 --> 00:24:55,461
Have you ever tried taking your trousers off
in a Morris Minor?
318
00:24:55,622 --> 00:25:00,457
Just shift that gear stick a bit or,
better still, warm the handle.
319
00:25:00,622 --> 00:25:03,500
-- Hang on, I'll put it in reverse.
-- No, no!
320
00:25:03,662 --> 00:25:07,541
If you make a mistake now, I'm in big trouble.
321
00:25:09,262 --> 00:25:12,732
Let me get round this way a bit.
What are you laughing at?
322
00:25:12,902 --> 00:25:15,052
It's not funny, you know.
323
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:20,694
-- I hope nobody sees this.
-- Who's going to see it?
324
00:25:33,622 --> 00:25:36,090
Oh, good grief!
325
00:25:36,262 --> 00:25:40,460
-- What are you blushing for?
-- What do you think I'm blushing for?
326
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:44,331
They only saw you because
you made such a great production of it.
327
00:25:44,502 --> 00:25:50,020
I shan't be much more energetic
than that on me own wedding day!
328
00:26:01,062 --> 00:26:06,295
I thought it was cold enough with me jacket off,
but this is f--f--frightening.
329
00:26:06,462 --> 00:26:08,692
I've got the heater on full blast.
330
00:26:08,862 --> 00:26:13,299
I want you to promise me
not even to think about marriage
331
00:26:13,462 --> 00:26:16,772
until I've regained full use of me f--faculties.
332
00:27:13,822 --> 00:27:16,336
(HORN BEEPS)
333
00:27:33,942 --> 00:27:38,299
-- Now what?
-- Well, I'm not missing the wedding.
334
00:27:46,062 --> 00:27:48,576
..and in the face of this congregation
335
00:27:48,742 --> 00:27:53,213
to join together this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.
336
00:27:54,062 --> 00:27:58,897
Which is an honourable estate
instituted of God...
337
00:28:02,982 --> 00:28:05,291
I warn you, don't try anything.
338
00:28:05,462 --> 00:28:08,932
I'm on me guard
because I've only got flimsy ones on.
339
00:28:10,782 --> 00:28:15,776
I wish you wouldn't try to inflame me
when I'm wearing these tight trousers.
340
00:28:17,222 --> 00:28:21,613
They're still warm, you know,
and getting warmer by the minute.
341
00:28:22,622 --> 00:28:25,261
Just try and keep yourself in check.
342
00:28:25,902 --> 00:28:30,612
I'll do me best. I can't promise anything
when you kneel down.
343
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:35,494
I might think me prayers have been answered.
344
00:28:41,022 --> 00:28:44,697
All in all, it were
a pretty interesting day out.
345
00:28:45,662 --> 00:28:47,812
Pity we couldn't stay for the reception,
346
00:28:47,982 --> 00:28:53,056
but it would have been difficult for
Gladys Emmanuel to have kept her coat on.
347
00:28:54,022 --> 00:28:56,058
I did see her point...
348
00:28:56,222 --> 00:28:59,020
Just briefly as she got in the car.
349
00:29:06,422 --> 00:29:11,257
Mauve frills. Just like
an old--fashioned chocolate box.
350
00:29:13,022 --> 00:29:18,221
Aye 'eck. You'd certainly be spoilt for choice
with that sort of weekend assortment.