1 00:00:27,967 --> 00:00:30,322 Have you seen this lately? 2 00:00:34,407 --> 00:00:37,877 One good squeeze and it'll come apart in your hands! 3 00:00:38,047 --> 00:00:41,642 It's not as easy as that. I've t--t--tried. 4 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:53,759 Granville! 5 00:00:53,927 --> 00:00:56,282 Fetch a d--d--dry cloth! 6 00:01:31,287 --> 00:01:36,839 -- Did M--Mrs Gillespie come for her bread? -- Aye, yesterday, about tea--time. 7 00:01:37,007 --> 00:01:40,044 There's no p--pattern to the movements of that woman. 8 00:01:40,207 --> 00:01:44,485 She's very irregular for someone that buys s--so much Ex--Lax! 9 00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:47,445 Does it matter when she comes? 10 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:51,600 Does it matter? D--Does it matter? Course it matters! 11 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:53,564 It's only one loaf! 12 00:01:53,727 --> 00:01:57,436 Sometimes it happens to be the l--l--last loaf on the shelf. 13 00:01:57,607 --> 00:02:01,156 Customer comes in and says, "I'll take that last loaf off you." 14 00:02:01,327 --> 00:02:03,602 And I have to turn down a sale. 15 00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:07,806 Do you realise wh--what it does to a shopkeeper to turn down a sale? 16 00:02:07,967 --> 00:02:11,039 I know what it does to you. You get nasty. 17 00:02:11,207 --> 00:02:17,203 That is a secondary symptom. The first thing that happens is m--me top lip goes numb. 18 00:02:18,127 --> 00:02:20,766 It goes absolutely lifeless. 19 00:02:20,927 --> 00:02:24,920 It lies there as dead as if it had been n--nationalised. 20 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:30,317 -- Me moustache loses all its lustre. -- It's looked like that for years! 21 00:02:30,487 --> 00:02:34,480 Never! It's been very lively in its time, has this moustache. 22 00:02:34,647 --> 00:02:38,037 No, it's me lips where rigor mortis s--suddenly sets in. 23 00:02:38,207 --> 00:02:40,562 Well, they're due for a rest, anyway! 24 00:02:41,607 --> 00:02:44,075 It's not funny, Granville! 25 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:48,718 It's a hell of a place for something to die on you, right under your nose! 26 00:02:48,887 --> 00:02:55,565 A very peculiar sensation. L--l--I have... I have d--difficulty f--f--formulating my words. 27 00:02:56,487 --> 00:02:59,479 Really? I'm sure it's not noticeable! 28 00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:03,965 Me finger ends get all constricted. 29 00:03:04,127 --> 00:03:07,119 Tried taking them out of the pockets? 30 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,359 I don't g--go around with my hands in me p--pockets! 31 00:03:10,527 --> 00:03:13,519 Not your pockets -- other people's pockets! 32 00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:19,523 Listen, if you want to succeed in business, you have to have a streak of ruthlessness. 33 00:03:19,687 --> 00:03:21,917 Either that or a rich wife! 34 00:03:22,087 --> 00:03:25,716 You couldn't get a rich wife if you didn't have a r--ruthless streak. 35 00:03:25,887 --> 00:03:29,402 The size of your streak, you'll be lucky to get any wife at all! 36 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:32,081 You haven't got one yet, have you? 37 00:03:32,247 --> 00:03:35,205 No, but I've got one on order, haven't I? 38 00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:38,359 It's just a question of arranging delivery. 39 00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:43,601 No, she'll never name the day while she's got her old m--mother living with her. 40 00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:48,795 It's a pity her mother can't f--find somewhere to live p--permanently, you know. 41 00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:51,435 Like heaven, for instance! 42 00:03:56,327 --> 00:03:59,000 -- There we are, sir. Thank you. -- Thank you. 43 00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:04,560 A certain steel in the make--up is part of the basic equipment of the shopkeeper. 44 00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:08,640 You wouldn't like to be without part of your b--basic equipment. 45 00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:11,367 No, it could be very embarrassing at my age. 46 00:04:11,527 --> 00:04:13,677 It certainly could. 47 00:04:15,207 --> 00:04:19,439 You could lose most of your basic equipment standing here! 48 00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:23,479 I'll have to s--slacken that spring off. 49 00:04:23,647 --> 00:04:26,081 You keep saying that, but you never do. 50 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:29,000 Well, these little p--pound notes, Granville, 51 00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:33,638 they've been swapped around and passed from hand to hand all their lives. 52 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:37,004 They've never known a stable home. 53 00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:40,921 It's up to us to keep them snug and cosy now that they're here. 54 00:04:41,567 --> 00:04:47,164 No, this may not be a palace, Granville, but there's nowhere they'd be more appreciated. 55 00:04:47,327 --> 00:04:51,878 You may think I'm an old m--miser, Granville, and you're at liberty to say so. 56 00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:56,359 Though it might get you a swift boot b--behind the bacon counter. 57 00:04:58,847 --> 00:05:00,485 There we are. 58 00:05:02,287 --> 00:05:05,120 Is that for me? Oh! Ta! 59 00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:09,879 You have to remember, Granville, that it is my heavy responsibility 60 00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:13,926 to train you to one day take over this entire empire. 61 00:05:14,087 --> 00:05:17,682 When I see you standing there with them big soft eyes 62 00:05:17,847 --> 00:05:21,760 and ice cream all down your front 63 00:05:21,927 --> 00:05:24,316 and round your mouth, 64 00:05:24,487 --> 00:05:27,399 I just have to... I just have to... 65 00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:29,319 Oh, God! 66 00:05:30,807 --> 00:05:33,526 -- What have I done? -- What have you done? 67 00:05:33,687 --> 00:05:38,807 It's time for a bit of advanced training. I've got to get a bit of steel into you. 68 00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:43,882 It's no good g--going through life laying back and letting things happen to you... 69 00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:46,163 like your mother used to! 70 00:05:52,007 --> 00:05:53,918 Oh, 'eck! 71 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:57,636 I've been sweeping round these things for two years! 72 00:05:57,807 --> 00:06:00,605 Why don't you give up on these, eh? 73 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:04,521 You're never gonna get rid of these. Who's gonna buy these? 74 00:06:04,687 --> 00:06:07,838 Don't worry about them. They're too advanced for you. 75 00:06:08,007 --> 00:06:12,922 Stick to basics like how the h--hell you're gonna pay for that ice cream. 76 00:06:18,407 --> 00:06:22,320 You know, you can't just drag people into the shop. 77 00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:28,005 This is not dragging 'em in. It's propelling 'em in this direction as if by accident. 78 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:32,718 -- All right, show me. -- You've seen me do it often enough. 79 00:06:32,887 --> 00:06:35,924 I've always been too embarrassed to watch. 80 00:06:36,087 --> 00:06:40,478 It's not a case of embarrassment. It's a test of skill. 81 00:06:40,647 --> 00:06:44,959 Well, I hope this section never gets published in me biography. 82 00:06:45,127 --> 00:06:48,119 I'm warning you, if ever I become famous, 83 00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:53,884 well, one day, I want absolutely no reference to this. 84 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,356 I see. Ashamed of it, are you? 85 00:06:56,527 --> 00:07:00,600 Let's just say I'd prefer to gloss over this period of my life 86 00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:03,645 with a simple paragraph that reads, 87 00:07:03,807 --> 00:07:07,800 "For a while he was employed in a minor executive capacity 88 00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:11,277 "in a commercial...enterprise..." 89 00:07:13,847 --> 00:07:17,965 What happens if they're bigger than me, like him? 90 00:07:18,127 --> 00:07:22,996 You're not going to wrestle with him! All you're gonna do is use a bit of psychology. 91 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:26,159 -- Show me. -- Granville, it's simple enough. 92 00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:30,036 I'll show you this last once and then it's y--your turn. 93 00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:32,801 I'd like to try on something a bit smaller. 94 00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:37,722 Don't be silly. The bigger they are, the harder they spend. Pay attention. 95 00:07:37,887 --> 00:07:40,401 Make sure he is going to pass the shop. 96 00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:43,718 If he's coming in anyway, you're wasting your time. 97 00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:47,880 No, it's too late once they've passed the shop. He'll be away. 98 00:07:48,047 --> 00:07:52,996 It's never too late. You catch him at the warehouse door as they pass the back. 99 00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:58,082 You go out there, and if he goes round the corner, stamp your foot. 100 00:07:58,247 --> 00:08:01,717 -- Stamp me foot? -- You know what stamping your foot is. 101 00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:03,479 Like that! 102 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:49,684 Missed him. Obviously missed him. 103 00:08:53,007 --> 00:08:55,999 The one thing I hate is grit in the eye. 104 00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:59,603 The tiniest speck feels like a d--dormer bungalow! 105 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,759 You want to wet the corner of your handkerchief. 106 00:09:12,087 --> 00:09:14,362 I can't see anything. 107 00:09:14,527 --> 00:09:19,123 It must be catching. Don't tell me you're going blind and all! 108 00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:23,917 Sometimes if you bring your top down and waggle the bottom. 109 00:09:24,087 --> 00:09:27,363 Who do you think I am, Gypsy Rose Lee? 110 00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,677 Oh! Hey, it works. 111 00:09:29,847 --> 00:09:32,998 It's gone, Granville! Oh, it's gone. 112 00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:35,203 What a relief! 113 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:40,839 Oh, that's wonderful. Now, what can we give this young man to show our appreciation? 114 00:09:41,007 --> 00:09:44,841 -- Give? -- You don't have to give me anything. 115 00:09:45,007 --> 00:09:49,319 -- You'd do the same for me. -- Too proud to accept charity, Granville. 116 00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:55,198 Well, put it this way. What bargains can we put him onto to show our appreciation? 117 00:09:58,247 --> 00:10:00,442 Th--There we are, sir. 118 00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:08,445 -- Compliments of the management. -- You've been very good. 119 00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:34,156 There's someone up there that sees everything we do. 120 00:10:34,327 --> 00:10:36,045 I know, I know. 121 00:10:36,207 --> 00:10:40,246 It's that Mrs Harris -- I saw her peering out of her bedroom window. 122 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,763 'Ey up. Here comes Mrs Ellis and that Mrs Turner. 123 00:10:43,927 --> 00:10:47,442 Here's your chance. Try and sell them something extra. 124 00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:50,075 Let's see a bit of salesmanship. 125 00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:52,966 She's as bad. She'd pass you on the street. 126 00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:55,687 They're no good once they've been to Majorca. 127 00:10:55,847 --> 00:10:58,202 Brown. All she thinks about is being brown. 128 00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:02,121 And nearly everywhere, if you believe what he says next door. 129 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:06,075 Well, who's got a better view? 20 Navy Cut, please. 130 00:11:06,247 --> 00:11:08,397 Same for me, Granville. 131 00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,876 And a box of matches? 132 00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:13,163 (HE MOUTHS) 133 00:11:13,327 --> 00:11:16,922 Too much sun dries the skin. It's very destructive. 134 00:11:17,087 --> 00:11:21,000 -- I go blotchy. -- She'll wish she'd kept more clothes on. 135 00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:25,683 And here, where me bra finishes, it always starts to peel. 136 00:11:25,847 --> 00:11:28,486 It's further down where it gets me. 137 00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:34,443 I can stand hardly any exposure round me navel. 138 00:11:34,607 --> 00:11:37,041 Me skin goes all crisp. 139 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,875 Top of me thighs is where I get it. 140 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:50,283 It's the ultra--violet, according to that friend of our Edmund. 141 00:11:50,447 --> 00:11:53,678 He should know. He's as big a violet as I've ever seen! 142 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:56,805 -- How is your Edmund? -- Don't ask! 143 00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:07,685 That's 20 Navel... Er, Navy! 144 00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:12,722 Navy Cut for you, Mrs Turner, and for you, Mrs Ellis. 145 00:12:12,887 --> 00:12:15,242 -- Thank you. -- You get worse, Granville. 146 00:12:15,407 --> 00:12:19,605 -- Keep taking the pills, Granville! -- And who is she browning herself for, 147 00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:22,361 is a question that springs to the lips. 148 00:12:22,527 --> 00:12:25,439 It can't be her husband. Have you seen him? 149 00:12:25,607 --> 00:12:27,723 It's the way he walks. 150 00:12:30,327 --> 00:12:32,795 Nobody's going brown all over just for him. 151 00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:35,356 Can you imagine him with nothing on? 152 00:12:39,607 --> 00:12:43,441 I bet we'd have to if we saw him with nothing on! 153 00:12:43,607 --> 00:12:47,395 He's fixed her up with some wonderful kitchen units. 154 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,080 Has he? 155 00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:10,399 -- What are you glaring at me for? -- What am I g--glaring at you for? 156 00:13:10,567 --> 00:13:13,206 Look at all them opportunities you missed! 157 00:13:13,367 --> 00:13:17,883 They only came in for cigarettes. That's all they ever come in for. 158 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:22,359 What they come in for is up to them. What they go out with is up to us! 159 00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:26,202 Can't get a word in edgewise with them two. They never listen. 160 00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:29,564 -- You make up for that, then! -- Hmm? 161 00:13:29,727 --> 00:13:33,766 -- Don't know what you mean. -- Listening to the gossip! 162 00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:37,237 I can't help overhearing a certain amount. 163 00:13:37,407 --> 00:13:39,637 Over--over--overhearing?! 164 00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:43,197 Your lugs were f--flapping about like radar! 165 00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:48,646 There was me with me arms windmilling about trying to persuade you to m--make a sale. 166 00:13:48,807 --> 00:13:53,005 Oh, is that what you were doing? Making a sail for your windmill. 167 00:13:55,887 --> 00:13:57,764 A sail for your w... Aghh! 168 00:14:03,327 --> 00:14:04,680 Ow! 169 00:14:04,847 --> 00:14:09,238 -- Now, you're g--g--going to get on with it. -- What are you doing with that lad's ear? 170 00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:13,844 It's the only place to handle s--small dogs and errand boys. 171 00:14:14,007 --> 00:14:19,081 With due regard to the conventions, where else would I take hold of an errand boy? 172 00:14:19,247 --> 00:14:20,839 Poor lad! 173 00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:23,805 You've made it all red. 174 00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:27,801 -- It feels longer. Is it longer? -- You leave him alone. 175 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:30,959 He's got very shapely, delicate, small ears. 176 00:14:31,127 --> 00:14:34,358 "Delicate"? They're like d--dustbin lorries. 177 00:14:34,527 --> 00:14:39,123 He goes round picking up every bit of rubbish he can lay his lobes on! 178 00:14:39,287 --> 00:14:42,757 They're a lot nicer ears than many I've had to see to. 179 00:14:42,927 --> 00:14:47,125 Now, listen. As the person you're supposed to be engaged to, 180 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:51,838 I don't much like this comparison of some of the things you've had to see to! 181 00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:56,004 And I can well understand why! 182 00:15:11,847 --> 00:15:14,680 "And I can well understand why." 183 00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:19,484 Granville, now listen. 184 00:15:19,647 --> 00:15:23,925 Stand there. The minute Nurse Gladys Emanuel goes into her house, 185 00:15:24,087 --> 00:15:26,237 you're out again on the street. 186 00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:29,479 Oh, dear. Look, she's been caught by Mrs Pendlebury. 187 00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:31,478 Oh, dear! 188 00:15:33,087 --> 00:15:37,080 She's a very peculiar sh--shape, is Mrs Pendlebury. 189 00:15:37,247 --> 00:15:40,637 Can't be very convenient for Mr Pendlebury. 190 00:15:42,247 --> 00:15:46,798 He often comes in here quite late of an evening for his six--pack of ale 191 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:49,356 with a desperate look in his eye. 192 00:15:49,527 --> 00:15:52,678 She'll be there for half an hour, you mark my words. 193 00:15:52,847 --> 00:15:56,681 Ah, good. A reprieve! At last I've had a reprieve. 194 00:15:56,847 --> 00:15:59,805 -- Not for long, Granville. -- Oh, 'eck! 195 00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:04,961 Do I have to go out there? They'll only laugh at me. I know they'll only laugh. 196 00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:08,915 Come on, chin up! You come from proud stock, lad. 197 00:16:09,087 --> 00:16:13,797 Waterloo, the B--Battle of Britain, the Glorious Double Gloucesters! 198 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:17,926 We are a stubborn race, when the chips are down. 199 00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:23,366 Well, our chips aren't down. They're still at full retail recommended price. 200 00:16:24,687 --> 00:16:28,839 A race that when we have to can still p--produce the brave. 201 00:16:29,007 --> 00:16:32,966 Men who are prepared to go out s--single--handed 202 00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:35,482 and marry Mrs Pendlebury. 203 00:16:43,887 --> 00:16:47,880 "What do you want to be when you grow up?" They'd ask at school. 204 00:16:48,047 --> 00:16:50,766 I'd say, "Oh, fighter pilot." 205 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:58,441 I see George Madeley's got a f--f--first for his Brussels sprouts again. 206 00:16:58,607 --> 00:17:00,757 See what I would have missed? 207 00:17:00,927 --> 00:17:06,763 If I'd been stooging around up there with me gunsights glowing, cruising at Mach 6, 208 00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:10,920 there'd be no hot news like that coming over the squawk box. 209 00:17:11,087 --> 00:17:13,806 "Hello, Tango to Red Leader. 210 00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:18,165 "I hear George Madeley's got a f--f--first for his Brussels sprouts." 211 00:17:20,127 --> 00:17:24,200 He always was very lucky with his Brussels sprouts, was George Madeley. 212 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:30,160 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Well, Mr Madeley, I've had a look at the X--rays 213 00:17:30,327 --> 00:17:34,366 and I'm afraid that leg is gonna have to come off. 214 00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:38,520 But never mind, we're leaving you your Brussels sprouts! 215 00:17:44,807 --> 00:17:46,923 Hey, listen to this. 216 00:17:47,687 --> 00:17:51,885 "Vicar's wife accuses cook of ding--dong in belfry. 217 00:17:53,287 --> 00:17:57,803 "Discarded underclothing points to vicar's infidelity." 218 00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:03,041 Let that be a l--lesson to you, Granville. Never p--point with your underclothing. 219 00:18:04,007 --> 00:18:05,679 Chance would be a fine thing! 220 00:18:05,847 --> 00:18:10,637 Poor old vicar! They found his vest in her pantry and her p--pants in his vestry! 221 00:18:10,807 --> 00:18:13,037 (SHOP BELL RINGS) 222 00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:26,562 -- How delightful! -- Always a p--pleasure to see a new face. 223 00:18:26,727 --> 00:18:29,002 I never knew they still existed! 224 00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:33,763 New faces? Oh, yes. You find them just underneath new people's hats. 225 00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:39,763 No, not new faces. No, these places. Poky little shops. 226 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,637 Everything higgledy--piggledy, all scrunched in. 227 00:18:46,807 --> 00:18:49,719 -- Quaint! -- Oh, good. Do you think so? 228 00:18:49,887 --> 00:18:51,206 Definitely! 229 00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:55,599 Good, because that was just the effect we were striving after. 230 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:59,476 I said to the architect, "Now, look, Sir Hugh," I said. 231 00:18:59,647 --> 00:19:04,084 "We don't want any of this modern rubbish. We'll go strictly for quaint." 232 00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:07,603 I love the smell. What is it, do you think? 233 00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:12,761 You've come on a bad day. We get a lot of old people in here on a Tuesday. 234 00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:18,961 Which is fine, unless it's been raining, and then some of them smell a bit damp. 235 00:19:19,127 --> 00:19:22,278 I think it's cough drops, tobacco and paraffin. 236 00:19:22,447 --> 00:19:25,280 That's right. And that's only the women! 237 00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:29,479 I see you're still selling things unwrapped. 238 00:19:29,647 --> 00:19:32,002 That's a vicious rumour, madam. 239 00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:35,398 I've never even appeared in the shop unwrapped! 240 00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:40,402 Mind you, they do look tempting. I might have risked a couple if you'd had tongs. 241 00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:43,923 -- Don't you use tongs? -- Of course we do. 242 00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:46,078 I am notorious on the tongs. 243 00:19:46,247 --> 00:19:49,080 But usually I just save them for the summer months 244 00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:53,286 because they are marvellous instruments for swatting flies. 245 00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:57,201 Look at that. Another p--pregnant female. 246 00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,837 There. Which cake? One of those or one of those? 247 00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:04,841 -- No, thank you. I don't think so. -- A bit of cream's all over it. 248 00:20:05,007 --> 00:20:09,717 Really, I only came in looking for French cigarettes. 249 00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:14,277 I don't suppose you have any French cigarettes. 250 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:19,157 No, but we have English ones you can s--smoke with a foreign accent! 251 00:20:19,327 --> 00:20:24,037 -- I only smoke the French. -- Best thing that could happen to them! 252 00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:27,563 I remember a shop like this when I was a child. 253 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,161 Yes, so do I. This is it! 254 00:20:31,927 --> 00:20:35,761 -- It's long since been condemned. -- As a matter of fact, 255 00:20:35,927 --> 00:20:39,124 we are on the verge of the same thing ourselves. 256 00:20:39,287 --> 00:20:41,847 -- Really? -- On account of the frats. 257 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,760 -- The frats? -- Yes. They're everywhere. 258 00:20:44,927 --> 00:20:49,318 They get under your skirting boards and floorboards, into your cavity walls. 259 00:20:49,487 --> 00:20:53,958 -- You don't want them in your cavity walls. -- A property of this age has cavity walls? 260 00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:57,961 We didn't have cavity walls till the damn frats got in! 261 00:20:58,127 --> 00:21:03,440 -- What are these frats? -- A nasty cross between a ferret and a rat. 262 00:21:03,607 --> 00:21:07,885 A ferret and a rat?! Do they interbreed? 263 00:21:08,047 --> 00:21:11,357 Interbreed? That's all they ever do, night and day! 264 00:21:11,527 --> 00:21:15,520 It only takes a jiffy. It happened first by accident 265 00:21:15,687 --> 00:21:20,238 when two of the creatures tried to force themselves through the same aperture. 266 00:21:20,407 --> 00:21:24,639 Like that. Of course, once having got the knack... 267 00:21:24,807 --> 00:21:29,597 -- The knack? -- Yes, the knack of producing frats, 268 00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,839 or, as we say locally, fraternisation. 269 00:21:33,567 --> 00:21:38,163 -- And you have them here? -- Everywhere. They spread like wildfrats! 270 00:21:38,327 --> 00:21:42,161 Surely if there was an epidemic, the health authorities... 271 00:21:42,327 --> 00:21:45,797 No, no, no. They daren't risk a panic, you see. 272 00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:49,880 They send someone to bore a couple of holes in your walls 273 00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:52,561 and tell you you've got nothing. 274 00:21:54,367 --> 00:21:58,155 The trouble is, officially the problem doesn't exist. 275 00:21:58,327 --> 00:22:02,320 -- What does one do? -- One acquires a frat detector. 276 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,285 Something that burns on a low light. 277 00:22:05,447 --> 00:22:10,157 A little yellow flame which turns green the moment the frats appear. 278 00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:12,885 That's one. 279 00:22:39,207 --> 00:22:42,244 There, madam. I'll open the door for you. 280 00:22:42,407 --> 00:22:44,204 Thank you! 281 00:22:48,487 --> 00:22:52,116 Do call again for frat oil, won't you? 282 00:22:54,567 --> 00:22:58,719 "Quaint"? What does she mean, "quaint"? I'll give her qu--quaint! 283 00:22:58,887 --> 00:23:02,004 This may be old--fashioned, but it's functional. 284 00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:07,287 -- This here is an annexe to my wallet. -- How did you sell them lamps? 285 00:23:07,447 --> 00:23:11,235 Don't worry about that, Granville. That's too advanced for you. 286 00:23:12,807 --> 00:23:17,756 -- Oh, my God, what's that? -- Oh, me horse collapsed. 287 00:23:17,927 --> 00:23:20,122 I'm not surprised! 288 00:23:20,287 --> 00:23:24,963 Oh, dear. Hardly the thing for a quiet evening out with the one you love. 289 00:23:25,127 --> 00:23:27,482 -- What? It's not so loud. -- Pardon? 290 00:23:27,647 --> 00:23:31,401 -- It's not so loud. -- I can't hear you for that shirt. 291 00:23:31,567 --> 00:23:34,206 The milk woman loves it. 292 00:23:34,367 --> 00:23:37,757 Don't change the subject. We're talking about shirts. 293 00:23:39,327 --> 00:23:42,285 We've got an empty shop here. Come on, 294 00:23:42,447 --> 00:23:47,077 you're supposed to be outside getting customers in. Smarten yourself up. 295 00:23:47,247 --> 00:23:50,603 What's the point? I'll only make a fool of myself. 296 00:23:50,767 --> 00:23:54,077 Then make a smartly--dressed fool of yourself. 297 00:23:54,247 --> 00:23:58,525 -- Call this smartly--dressed? -- It's style for an apprentice shopkeeper. 298 00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:02,965 I know. It's a hell of a rig for a fighter pilot, though! 299 00:24:03,127 --> 00:24:07,166 Granville, you're going out on your first solo mission! 300 00:24:07,327 --> 00:24:12,481 The world is your oyster. Go out, pick a victim, and come at him out of the sun. 301 00:24:12,647 --> 00:24:15,764 You're on your own, B--B--Biggles. 302 00:24:17,327 --> 00:24:19,602 Bring 'em back alive. 303 00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:23,800 I'll hold your parachute. 304 00:24:37,967 --> 00:24:42,245 What are you doing, charging into people that way? 305 00:24:42,407 --> 00:24:46,685 -- You can stop people's breath that way! -- Ow! Ow! Stop! 306 00:24:48,447 --> 00:24:50,199 Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ow! 307 00:24:50,367 --> 00:24:54,599 -- What's going on? -- I'm just having fun, that's all! 308 00:24:55,687 --> 00:25:01,398 You get dressed up to do a bit of shopping, not to be knocked over by an errand boy! 309 00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:06,083 Of course not, Mrs Featherstone. Come and sit here, my dear. 310 00:25:06,247 --> 00:25:08,283 Take the weight off your purse. 311 00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:12,803 Not even me husband used to get as close as that! 312 00:25:19,447 --> 00:25:22,200 Whereabouts did you catch her? 313 00:25:23,927 --> 00:25:26,646 I don't know. Everything went black. 314 00:25:27,247 --> 00:25:30,956 She's a widow woman. Everything's black to start with! 315 00:25:31,127 --> 00:25:33,800 God, it could have been anywhere! 316 00:25:36,807 --> 00:25:41,801 Hey, come on, you're supposed to be customer--finding. Get out there. Go on! 317 00:25:42,727 --> 00:25:44,558 Dear, dear! 318 00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:18,437 You look sad, Granville. 319 00:26:29,607 --> 00:26:32,075 You poor love! 320 00:26:36,007 --> 00:26:38,077 What is it? 321 00:26:41,087 --> 00:26:43,362 It's advanced training. 322 00:26:43,527 --> 00:26:46,405 Oh, if it's only to do with the shop! 323 00:26:46,567 --> 00:26:50,446 I thought you were really depressed -- heartache or something. 324 00:26:51,047 --> 00:26:53,766 That's what I mean. It is. 325 00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:57,124 Mainly it is heartaches. 326 00:26:59,287 --> 00:27:04,077 You mean real heartaches? Deep down, world looking empty? 327 00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:08,479 -- "Need a shoulder to lean on" heartaches? -- Yes, they're the ones. 328 00:27:08,647 --> 00:27:10,956 Yes, that's them. 329 00:27:11,607 --> 00:27:14,997 I get 'em sometimes. I know what they're like. 330 00:27:15,167 --> 00:27:18,204 -- They're terrible. -- Terrible! 331 00:27:18,367 --> 00:27:22,963 I used to get 'em a lot. Used to think life was really bad. 332 00:27:23,127 --> 00:27:25,766 Then me husband left me. 333 00:27:25,927 --> 00:27:28,680 I've felt heaps better since! 334 00:27:30,007 --> 00:27:34,558 You see, when you least expect it, something turns up. 335 00:27:39,767 --> 00:27:42,645 What's wrong with Granville? 336 00:27:49,807 --> 00:27:52,002 Oh, you poor love! 337 00:28:05,047 --> 00:28:07,607 There, Mrs Featherstone, your change. 338 00:28:07,767 --> 00:28:11,442 F--f--f--f--four... F--f--f--four... That's just right. 339 00:28:12,807 --> 00:28:17,358 It's a very funny sensation, getting entangled at my age with an errand boy. 340 00:28:17,527 --> 00:28:20,519 (COMMOTION OUTSIDE) 341 00:28:20,687 --> 00:28:23,679 Wh--What's all that going on out there? 342 00:28:41,687 --> 00:28:45,919 -- There he is! That's him! -- Bullying this poor lad! 343 00:28:46,087 --> 00:28:50,638 -- I saw him leading him by his ear. -- Ought to be ashamed! 344 00:28:50,807 --> 00:28:53,275 Get this lot off me! 345 00:28:53,847 --> 00:28:57,556 Hey, Granville! Get this lot off, Granville! 346 00:29:04,767 --> 00:29:07,759 He said he wanted people in the shop! 347 00:29:09,927 --> 00:29:12,919 Funny lot, women, when you look at 'em. 348 00:29:13,087 --> 00:29:15,317 And I often do. 349 00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:20,720 It took me all me time to calm that lot in the shop down before I could start selling. 350 00:29:20,887 --> 00:29:24,197 Then I believe there were one that got away! 351 00:29:25,287 --> 00:29:28,643 Oh, God, don't say I've started slipping. 352 00:29:30,287 --> 00:29:34,838 I don't mind wearing glasses, Lord, or even a hearing aid. 353 00:29:35,007 --> 00:29:37,237 But if it's all the same to you, 354 00:29:37,407 --> 00:29:42,686 I'd like to stay young and very muscular when it comes to the acquisitive instinct!