1 00:00:19,718 --> 00:00:21,071 (BELL TINKLING) 2 00:00:31,838 --> 00:00:35,228 It's not often you g-get extras like that on a Morris Minor. 3 00:00:41,078 --> 00:00:44,036 Granville, fetch your cloth. 4 00:01:19,758 --> 00:01:21,908 -Morning, Granville. -Good morning. 5 00:01:23,758 --> 00:01:27,876 Thank you, Granville. I'll put them straight in a bottle. 6 00:01:36,278 --> 00:01:38,075 (MILKWOMAN YELPING) 7 00:01:38,158 --> 00:01:39,876 (BOTTLES CLINKING) 8 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:52,431 That was really great, Granville. I've never been kissed on the elbow before. 9 00:01:52,518 --> 00:01:55,157 You wouldn't keep still. It was dark. 10 00:01:55,238 --> 00:01:58,913 I'm much better when I've woken up. Can you come back when I've woken up? 11 00:01:58,998 --> 00:02:01,876 I think you really need a steady girlfriend, Granville. 12 00:02:02,438 --> 00:02:07,068 Oh, no. I'm more like your footloose, love 'em and leave 'em type, me. 13 00:02:10,358 --> 00:02:12,235 On the other hand... 14 00:02:12,318 --> 00:02:16,391 if you know someone who you think could learn to like her elbows being kissed.... 15 00:02:27,998 --> 00:02:30,034 MAN: I feel better now. 16 00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:43,627 I wish you'd c-close that. An extra space like that could double the rates. 17 00:02:44,078 --> 00:02:46,876 Is that pay-paperman in sight yet? 18 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,234 No, that pay-paperman isn't in sight yet. 19 00:02:50,318 --> 00:02:53,674 What would a pay-paperman be doing out in the middle of the night? 20 00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:56,556 All right, d-don't get your milk bottles in a twist. 21 00:02:56,678 --> 00:03:00,273 -You'll be turning that sour, you know. -Yeah, I think I already have. 22 00:03:00,358 --> 00:03:04,874 While everyone else is out enjoying their young manhood, I'm stuck here making... 23 00:03:05,598 --> 00:03:07,554 emotional yoghurt. 24 00:03:08,078 --> 00:03:10,512 Well, if you're going to have little a tantrum, 25 00:03:10,598 --> 00:03:13,874 you can accompany yourself on the f-feather duster. There you are. 26 00:03:13,958 --> 00:03:15,232 Thank you. 27 00:03:16,798 --> 00:03:19,949 Well, then don't just stand there, get flicking. 28 00:03:20,038 --> 00:03:22,836 -Get flicking what? -Get f-flicking on with it. 29 00:03:24,918 --> 00:03:26,749 You know, I've never known.... 30 00:03:26,838 --> 00:03:30,956 These b-bottles are very warm, Granville. I've noticed this in you. 31 00:03:31,038 --> 00:03:34,075 You have a tendency to overheat your b-b-bottles. 32 00:03:35,078 --> 00:03:38,115 I shudder to think what that means in Freudian terms. 33 00:03:38,198 --> 00:03:40,234 I think she likes me, the milkwoman. 34 00:03:40,318 --> 00:03:43,390 Oh, really? What, just casual, or enough to give us a discount? 35 00:03:43,478 --> 00:03:46,276 You've got no soul. All you ever think about is money. 36 00:03:46,358 --> 00:03:48,269 Hey, you watch your mouth. 37 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:51,748 I didn't bring you up to be d-discourteous about money. 38 00:03:51,838 --> 00:03:54,591 What about passion and adventure? 39 00:03:54,678 --> 00:03:59,672 Oh, look at you. You've got to learn to p-pace yourself in life, Granville. 40 00:04:00,078 --> 00:04:03,309 You're no good to anyone over-extended, are you? 41 00:04:03,398 --> 00:04:05,593 You've gotta t-take things as they come. 42 00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:09,068 Your mother knew how. She used to t-take anything that come. 43 00:04:10,078 --> 00:04:12,717 One day all this will be yours, Granville. 44 00:04:12,798 --> 00:04:15,949 No, no it won't. Not if you can find a way to take it with you. 45 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:19,269 We'll have to bury you in this lot in a great big container. 46 00:04:19,358 --> 00:04:21,997 You'll never be satisfied with a coffin. 47 00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:25,707 You wouldn't let us fasten the lid down for a start. 48 00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:29,427 You know, it'd be the first time you've ever been closed in daylight. 49 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:34,872 You're b-bearing up very well for an errand boy in pain. 50 00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:36,596 I'm not in pain. 51 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:43,149 See how much sooner we of the older generation n-notice that sort of thing. 52 00:04:43,238 --> 00:04:45,035 Almost t-telepathic we are. 53 00:04:45,798 --> 00:04:48,551 Mind you, still in our prime, I might add. 54 00:04:48,638 --> 00:04:50,629 Still f-fully functional. 55 00:04:50,718 --> 00:04:53,835 If only I could persuade a certain state registered person 56 00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:56,034 it's time to start me motor. 57 00:04:57,238 --> 00:05:01,675 She fritters her life away, God bless her, f-feeding her ageing mother. 58 00:05:01,758 --> 00:05:05,148 ''Why don't you find her a good home,'' I say, ''in the country?'' 59 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,832 There must be s-some country that'd take her. 60 00:05:08,918 --> 00:05:12,467 -You trod on my foot. -Oh, you noticed, Granville! Very good. 61 00:05:12,558 --> 00:05:15,948 It gives me confidence I'm doing right in ma-making you deputy manager. 62 00:05:16,398 --> 00:05:18,389 A deputy manager with one foot. 63 00:05:18,478 --> 00:05:20,867 Oh, you don't know you're born. 64 00:05:20,958 --> 00:05:26,794 In my young day, errand boys were employed specifically for the purpose of being trod on. 65 00:05:27,838 --> 00:05:32,070 If we had a bad day we used to say, ''Let's go and tread on an errand boy.'' 66 00:05:33,838 --> 00:05:35,908 And do you think it did them any harm? 67 00:05:35,998 --> 00:05:39,752 No, of course not. Kept them healthy. Like getting them up early in the morning. 68 00:05:39,838 --> 00:05:42,272 The place was full of healthy cripples. 69 00:05:42,358 --> 00:05:46,271 You think you get up early, do you? Let me tell you, in my young day, 70 00:05:46,358 --> 00:05:49,350 they sometimes got us up before we went to bed. 71 00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:51,710 Work that out. 72 00:05:52,398 --> 00:05:55,117 You don't think that p-paper man could be late, do you, 73 00:05:55,198 --> 00:05:57,473 because there's a c-crisis in the street? 74 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:02,393 Ambulance, maybe, rushing to take the aged relative of my b-beloved 75 00:06:02,478 --> 00:06:04,912 off to intensive eating somewhere? 76 00:06:05,878 --> 00:06:09,632 No, I expect the twit's just parked up there, checking his bingo numbers. 77 00:06:09,718 --> 00:06:12,107 What's so important about the paper this morning? 78 00:06:12,198 --> 00:06:15,634 I can't hear that f-feather duster going yet, G-Granville. 79 00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,589 That's more like it. 80 00:06:20,678 --> 00:06:23,875 Nothing so soothes the shopkeeper as the sound 81 00:06:23,958 --> 00:06:27,473 of a well-aimed feather flicking round his comestibles. 82 00:06:28,438 --> 00:06:30,713 There must be more to life than this. 83 00:06:31,718 --> 00:06:34,232 Oh, where did I go wrong, eh? 84 00:06:34,318 --> 00:06:37,196 I mean, you know, I could've been anything, couldn't I, eh? 85 00:06:37,278 --> 00:06:40,395 I could have been a captain in the paras. 86 00:06:40,478 --> 00:06:42,355 A one-parent family. 87 00:06:44,398 --> 00:06:45,990 Could've been an astronaut. 88 00:06:50,038 --> 00:06:52,871 Could've been a gastronaut I'm so hungry. 89 00:06:52,958 --> 00:06:55,552 Hey up, he's here. What time do you call this? 90 00:07:01,558 --> 00:07:03,276 What are you looking for? 91 00:07:03,358 --> 00:07:06,191 -Happiness, G-Granville. -Can we afford it? 92 00:07:06,278 --> 00:07:08,872 If it cost more than a quid, you'll be sending it back. 93 00:07:08,958 --> 00:07:14,510 No, no, for those with the necessary skills and ingenuity, it can come f-fairly cheaply. 94 00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:16,915 Here it is, look! There it is. 95 00:07:16,998 --> 00:07:20,070 M-my m-masterstroke. Listen to this here. 96 00:07:20,158 --> 00:07:23,275 ''Wanted. Live-in housekeeper. 97 00:07:23,358 --> 00:07:26,794 ''Good home in exchange for l-light duties. 98 00:07:26,878 --> 00:07:30,791 ''Apply in person to Arkwright S-Superstores.'' 99 00:07:30,878 --> 00:07:33,915 A woman coming to live here? What is Nurse Gladys going to say? 100 00:07:33,998 --> 00:07:37,434 Exactly. There you have p-put your finger on it. 101 00:07:37,518 --> 00:07:40,271 Which is more than I've been able to do lately. 102 00:07:40,358 --> 00:07:42,952 I'll tell you what N-Nurse Gladys is going to say. 103 00:07:43,038 --> 00:07:47,270 She's going to say, ''I better marry him quick. He's getting a bit restless.'' 104 00:07:47,358 --> 00:07:49,713 And thus, with one masterstroke, 105 00:07:49,798 --> 00:07:53,507 I have brought my y-years of f-frustration to an end. 106 00:07:54,838 --> 00:07:57,910 And we all know which end, don't we? 107 00:07:57,998 --> 00:07:59,511 (BELL TINKLING) 108 00:07:59,598 --> 00:08:01,953 Well, there's no s-sugar in them. 109 00:08:18,478 --> 00:08:20,230 There we are, m-my dear. 110 00:08:20,318 --> 00:08:22,274 Call again when you've saved up. 111 00:08:22,358 --> 00:08:24,553 You don't get much for your money these days. 112 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:28,426 No, but then you never did, you see. It's just that the much that you didn't get then 113 00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:31,635 was much mucher than the much you don't get so much of now. 114 00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:35,148 I know I can't understand it, either. 115 00:08:35,638 --> 00:08:38,596 Hey, Nurse Gladys is going to kill you. 116 00:08:39,198 --> 00:08:42,315 And she probably knows how to do it without leaving a trace. 117 00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:45,435 Nurse Gladys will be overcome with remorse 118 00:08:45,518 --> 00:08:48,157 for not h-having snatched me up in the first place. 119 00:08:48,238 --> 00:08:50,957 What are you going to do with a live-in housekeeper anyway? 120 00:08:51,038 --> 00:08:54,394 I'm not sure that's a proper question for an errand boy. 121 00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:57,515 Which bedroom is she going to have? She's not having mine. 122 00:08:57,598 --> 00:09:01,227 I may need it. For entertaining. 123 00:09:01,318 --> 00:09:04,435 Enter-ter-taining? Since when did you do any entertaining? 124 00:09:04,518 --> 00:09:06,713 I may be starting. 125 00:09:06,798 --> 00:09:10,677 Don't take me for granted. I'm on the verge of a much richer social life. 126 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,953 Oh, I see. That's your game, is it? 127 00:09:13,038 --> 00:09:17,509 Listen, I'm having no errand boys on the verge while the management's going short. 128 00:09:17,638 --> 00:09:21,597 It's going to be my bachelor pad. I'm going to redecorate it. 129 00:09:22,118 --> 00:09:26,953 I'm going to put in some subdued lighting to set off me model aircraft. 130 00:09:27,038 --> 00:09:30,826 Oh, dear. I'll subdue your lighting if you're not careful, if you start that. 131 00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,034 Your mother was just the same, you know. 132 00:09:33,118 --> 00:09:36,155 I've never known anyone like her for s-saving electricity. 133 00:09:36,238 --> 00:09:40,117 Yes, I shall have a few of my set dropping in for drinks. 134 00:09:40,198 --> 00:09:43,827 They'll be known as the cocktail set. They'll say, 135 00:09:43,998 --> 00:09:48,913 ''Hey, that Granville, he really knows how to shake a mean Joan Collins.'' 136 00:09:50,038 --> 00:09:51,551 Tom Collins. 137 00:09:52,318 --> 00:09:55,037 You shake who you like and I shake who I like. 138 00:09:55,918 --> 00:09:59,194 That housekeeper is not having my bachelor pad. 139 00:09:59,278 --> 00:10:04,227 Look, Granville, I wish you'd just relax and stop being so Hungarian about everything. 140 00:10:04,758 --> 00:10:07,795 No one's going to take away your bachelor pad. 141 00:10:07,878 --> 00:10:10,597 Where else would I store all them lavatory cleaners? 142 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,872 Hey, that's another thing. I want them out. 143 00:10:13,958 --> 00:10:16,950 They don't half clash with my Aubrey Beardsley print. 144 00:10:17,038 --> 00:10:19,268 Very suitable from what I saw of it. 145 00:10:19,758 --> 00:10:21,077 That reminds me, 146 00:10:21,158 --> 00:10:24,753 if you're the shopkeeper, she's the housekeeper, what am I going to keep? 147 00:10:24,838 --> 00:10:26,635 Your mouth shut. 148 00:10:26,718 --> 00:10:29,312 We're not going to have a live-in housekeeper. 149 00:10:29,398 --> 00:10:32,629 -Well, what did you advertise for? -It's just a shopkeeper's ploy. 150 00:10:32,718 --> 00:10:37,269 It's just that I want to put a little bit of pe-po-pa-pe-pa-pep 151 00:10:37,358 --> 00:10:39,235 into my l-lovelife. 152 00:10:39,798 --> 00:10:41,117 Oh, I see. 153 00:10:41,198 --> 00:10:44,349 You're a conniving old man, aren't you, eh? 154 00:10:44,438 --> 00:10:48,477 No, you are, you're devious. You're always up to crafty little tricks. 155 00:10:48,878 --> 00:10:51,517 Thank you, Granville, it's very nice of you to say so. 156 00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:54,273 What am I doing, eh? 157 00:10:54,358 --> 00:10:58,874 Live here with this wicked old uncle who's got no scruples. 158 00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:03,395 I'm exposed to very little in the way of higher cultural influence. 159 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:08,475 We never talk about the aspects of the modern novel, 160 00:11:08,558 --> 00:11:10,992 or Chinese architecture. Now come on, be honest, 161 00:11:11,078 --> 00:11:14,991 when was the last time that we had a chat about Chinese architecture? 162 00:11:15,438 --> 00:11:18,794 When they b-built that take-away in Gladstone Street, wasn't it? 163 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:24,711 I would like to collect delicate porcelain figures. 164 00:11:25,398 --> 00:11:28,913 Well, I'd like to give porcelain for Christmas. 165 00:11:30,558 --> 00:11:35,393 ''You know that Granville? He always gives porcelain for Christmas.'' 166 00:11:36,878 --> 00:11:40,188 I'd like to advise some of the most beautiful women in the world 167 00:11:40,278 --> 00:11:43,111 on how to improve their collections. 168 00:11:43,198 --> 00:11:45,587 We're getting low on tins of Scrumptious again. 169 00:11:46,358 --> 00:11:48,667 You're a dreamer, you are. Porcelain. 170 00:11:48,758 --> 00:11:51,636 The nearest you ever come to porcelain is the lavatory seat. 171 00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:55,789 Your mother was a dreamer and all. At least I think she was. 172 00:11:55,878 --> 00:11:57,834 She used to lie down a lot. 173 00:11:58,838 --> 00:12:02,717 -I wonder what me father did. -He did quite enough. 174 00:12:02,798 --> 00:12:06,791 You know, sometimes I feel as though I might be Hungarian. 175 00:12:06,878 --> 00:12:08,914 You're a Budapest, I'll tell you that. 176 00:12:08,998 --> 00:12:12,786 At least us Hungarians, we know how to sweep our women off their feet. 177 00:12:12,878 --> 00:12:15,756 We don't have to advertise for live-in housekeepers. 178 00:12:15,838 --> 00:12:19,911 Hey, there's a point. Supposing some poor woman applies for the job? 179 00:12:20,558 --> 00:12:24,187 -What, on the wages I pay? -That's true, that's true. 180 00:12:25,038 --> 00:12:26,596 Hey, look. 181 00:12:36,758 --> 00:12:38,237 WOMAN: Gladys! 182 00:12:39,118 --> 00:12:40,437 Gladys! 183 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:45,997 Look. 184 00:12:55,438 --> 00:12:58,350 -She's coming, she's coming. -She's going to kill you. 185 00:12:59,038 --> 00:13:02,075 She's going to whip me smartly into wedlock, you watch. 186 00:13:03,038 --> 00:13:06,110 Good morning, my bare-beloved. 187 00:13:06,198 --> 00:13:07,995 I'm not your ''bare-beloved''. 188 00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:11,195 No, I know and you never will be if you don't get on with it. 189 00:13:11,278 --> 00:13:15,191 -I know what you're doing. -I'm doing without, that's what I'm doing. 190 00:13:16,278 --> 00:13:20,715 G-Granville, please, get your bike and get them orders out. Go on. 191 00:13:21,318 --> 00:13:23,434 -I got cycle fatigue. -Get on with it. 192 00:13:24,038 --> 00:13:26,506 There's no need to shove the poor lad out. 193 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,476 There's nothing I've got to say to you he can't hear. 194 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,628 Oh, good. See? 195 00:13:34,238 --> 00:13:38,026 You get worse! What are you doing starting all this gossip? 196 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:41,315 You've been keeping abreast of the local news, have you? 197 00:13:41,398 --> 00:13:45,107 -I must say, it's a breast worth keeping. -Get off, you big daft! 198 00:13:45,198 --> 00:13:47,348 You've been reading the newspaper, I see. 199 00:13:47,438 --> 00:13:50,908 What I've been reading is you, like a book. 200 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,590 Live-in housekeeper. 201 00:13:52,678 --> 00:13:55,238 Well, you seem superbly qualified from this angle. 202 00:13:55,318 --> 00:13:59,072 -When can you start? Or have you started? -I know what you're doing. 203 00:13:59,158 --> 00:14:02,355 Yes, I can do it better if you let go of me hand. 204 00:14:02,438 --> 00:14:06,829 -You're trying to rush me into marriage. -Rush? Do you call six years a rush? 205 00:14:06,918 --> 00:14:08,874 It's all a big bluff. 206 00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:12,871 If some woman answered this advert, you'd wet your bacon counter. 207 00:14:14,158 --> 00:14:18,436 You'd go to pieces in case she found that old tin you keep your money in. 208 00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,191 Keep it down. 209 00:14:24,438 --> 00:14:28,511 Keep your voice down about our tin. That's our little nest egg, is that. 210 00:14:28,598 --> 00:14:32,386 Well, it's time it was hatched. You've been sitting on it long enough. 211 00:14:32,478 --> 00:14:34,673 (GRANVILLE CHUCKLING) 212 00:14:35,318 --> 00:14:37,309 There's a chicken in here. 213 00:14:48,678 --> 00:14:52,876 You see! This place is infested with errand boys. 214 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,472 Don't pull his ear, you'll stretch it. 215 00:14:55,558 --> 00:14:58,277 ''That Granville, he's got long ears, you know.'' 216 00:14:58,718 --> 00:15:01,869 -Poor love. -Hey, don't harbour him in your bosom. 217 00:15:02,558 --> 00:15:06,153 He's unmanageable at a body temperature like that. Get him out of there. 218 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:07,990 Granville, come on. 219 00:15:08,078 --> 00:15:09,397 Come on. Granville. 220 00:15:09,478 --> 00:15:10,513 Granville. 221 00:15:10,598 --> 00:15:11,747 (WHISTLING) 222 00:15:11,838 --> 00:15:15,148 Come on, watch this, look. The Bounty hunters, come on, look. 223 00:15:18,438 --> 00:15:20,827 -You like those, don't you? -They're lovely. 224 00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:22,636 Put your money in the till. 225 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:27,916 I wish I'd stayed where I was. More coconuts in there than there is in here. 226 00:15:30,318 --> 00:15:32,627 You shouldn't pull his ear. 227 00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:35,949 It's traditional to handle errand boys b-by the ears. Like rabbits. 228 00:15:36,038 --> 00:15:39,235 A species with which they have much in common, if you give them half a chance. 229 00:15:42,518 --> 00:15:43,871 I hate this till. 230 00:15:43,958 --> 00:15:46,552 Go on, get on with it. It won't b-bite you. 231 00:15:55,918 --> 00:15:59,354 It's got me! Look, it's got me. I knew it would! Look. 232 00:16:02,598 --> 00:16:04,350 Have you seen this? 233 00:16:06,438 --> 00:16:08,315 What do you think? 234 00:16:19,358 --> 00:16:21,394 Can you twist him this way? 235 00:16:21,478 --> 00:16:24,993 -Careful, careful. -This will put paid to your cocktail set. 236 00:16:26,998 --> 00:16:31,628 Just leave me. Save yourselves! It never lets go. 237 00:16:31,718 --> 00:16:36,109 -I think we'd do better without them trousers. -I've been saying that for years. 238 00:16:36,198 --> 00:16:38,666 -Not yours, his. -Oh, I see. 239 00:16:40,038 --> 00:16:44,714 Great, this is. Granville slips nonchalantly out of his trousers. 240 00:16:44,798 --> 00:16:48,234 I had hoped it would be in a more romantic setting. 241 00:16:51,158 --> 00:16:53,592 What have you g-got on there? 242 00:16:53,678 --> 00:16:58,274 That's not underwear for working in. That's underwear for fa-faffing about in. 243 00:16:58,358 --> 00:17:00,633 -Can you lift your leg? -I'm lifting. 244 00:17:00,718 --> 00:17:03,516 Mind his leg, leave him alone. It's not your business. 245 00:17:04,158 --> 00:17:07,673 -It's time you changed this rotten till. -Change the till? 246 00:17:07,758 --> 00:17:10,113 This has done me very well has this till. 247 00:17:10,198 --> 00:17:13,076 It's not satisfied with money. It wants blood now. 248 00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,227 Hey. 249 00:17:17,678 --> 00:17:20,670 Why ever are you putting your Granville into that till? 250 00:17:21,198 --> 00:17:25,555 Don't worry, Mrs Bickerdyke. He's just putting a little something away for a rainy day. 251 00:17:26,318 --> 00:17:29,071 -Cover me up, cover me up! -Which part is your up? 252 00:17:35,798 --> 00:17:39,074 Strange how Hungarian he looks from some angles. 253 00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:44,152 That reminds me. There was this man up on Arnold Crescent, plumber and wife-swapper, 254 00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:47,594 in business for himself, he used to wear things like that. 255 00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:50,146 You could see them on his clothesline. 256 00:17:50,238 --> 00:17:53,867 I used to think, ''Yes, mister, I don't care what's leaking, 257 00:17:53,958 --> 00:17:56,472 ''you'll never be invited under my sink.'' 258 00:17:56,558 --> 00:18:00,392 Quite right, Mrs Bickerdyke. You keep your waste disposal to yourself. 259 00:18:01,198 --> 00:18:05,271 What's he doing advertising for live-in housekeepers? 260 00:18:05,398 --> 00:18:09,391 He'd drop dead if anyone applied. He's all wind and economy. 261 00:18:09,478 --> 00:18:12,276 Well, they're bad for your heart, are live-in housekeepers. 262 00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:17,227 There was him up in Finkle Street. Died very sudden from a live-in housekeeper. 263 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:22,396 They seem to be much more over-stimulating than legal wives. 264 00:18:23,278 --> 00:18:27,237 And I know what you'd die of. Acute constriction of the wallet. 265 00:18:27,318 --> 00:18:31,914 You might be surprised how quickly I would take to a suitable applicant. 266 00:18:31,998 --> 00:18:34,831 There will be a warm shopkeeper's welcome waiting 267 00:18:34,918 --> 00:18:37,307 for anyone who will walk through that door. 268 00:18:43,518 --> 00:18:44,997 (CLATTERING) 269 00:18:46,638 --> 00:18:48,071 Except her. 270 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,427 Listen, go and serve the l-l-a.... The old.... The customer. 271 00:18:53,238 --> 00:18:54,910 Customer? 272 00:18:55,678 --> 00:18:57,509 Is he talking to me? 273 00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:00,469 I'm not a customer. 274 00:19:01,518 --> 00:19:03,748 She's not a customer. 275 00:19:04,838 --> 00:19:07,068 No, I'm not a customer. 276 00:19:07,158 --> 00:19:08,671 I just come in answer.... 277 00:19:08,758 --> 00:19:11,511 We're clo.... We're clo.... We're clo.... We're shut! 278 00:19:11,598 --> 00:19:12,997 -Shut? -Shut, yes. 279 00:19:13,078 --> 00:19:17,037 -What's he doing shut? -Don't talk to him. He doesn't even work here. 280 00:19:17,958 --> 00:19:21,837 We are sh-shut on account of the f-f-festival. 281 00:19:21,918 --> 00:19:26,673 -Festival? What festival? -The festival. The Saint...Saint C-C-Cecil's. 282 00:19:26,758 --> 00:19:29,955 We always shut early on S-Saint C-C-Cecil's. 283 00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:31,676 Who's Sir Cecil? 284 00:19:31,758 --> 00:19:35,467 Not S-Sir Cecil, just C-C-C-Cecil. 285 00:19:36,918 --> 00:19:40,593 News to me. What do people do on Saint Cecil's? 286 00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:42,555 They shut early. 287 00:19:43,678 --> 00:19:47,512 It's one of the biggest shut-earlying festivals in the whole of Yorkshire. 288 00:19:48,998 --> 00:19:51,671 Which one of you fellas is Arkwright? 289 00:19:52,198 --> 00:19:56,191 Well, it's not me. I'm his live-out lady-friend. 290 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,509 Oh. Well, will you tell him I called in answer 291 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:02,271 to a request from me friend Mrs Dowdall, 292 00:20:02,358 --> 00:20:05,475 who is housebound on account of a terrible knee. 293 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:09,267 Will you tell him Mrs Dowdall only requires 294 00:20:09,358 --> 00:20:12,430 two small browns tomorrow not three? 295 00:20:12,518 --> 00:20:15,828 -All right, don't worry. I'll tell him, love. -Thank you very much. 296 00:20:17,438 --> 00:20:18,507 Sorry. 297 00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,791 There's more staff than customers in this shop. 298 00:20:29,118 --> 00:20:32,315 Take one of your green tablets. I think you've developed a fever. 299 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:37,392 Fever? I should think I have developed a fever. That's a small brown loaf we're down tomorrow. 300 00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:47,836 Did you see his hand? Any crisis, he goes straight to his wallet. 301 00:20:47,918 --> 00:20:52,389 I wish somebody would apply. I love to see him when he gets into a state. 302 00:20:52,478 --> 00:20:56,357 It's, ''We're c-c-c-c.... We're c-c-c-c.... 303 00:20:56,438 --> 00:20:58,349 ''We're shut.'' 304 00:21:01,398 --> 00:21:03,593 GRANVILLE: Hey up, it's the Black Widow. 305 00:21:04,038 --> 00:21:07,075 Now, she'd put the fear of God into him, wouldn't she, eh? 306 00:21:07,158 --> 00:21:09,353 She'd put the fear of God into God. 307 00:21:10,678 --> 00:21:14,432 Hey, do you reckon we could persuade her to pretend to apply for the job? 308 00:21:14,518 --> 00:21:15,997 You know, just for a laugh. 309 00:21:16,078 --> 00:21:17,670 -The Black Widow? -Aye. 310 00:21:17,758 --> 00:21:20,067 To get a laugh out of her, she'd need surgery. 311 00:21:21,558 --> 00:21:23,753 Do you think she knows how? 312 00:21:27,638 --> 00:21:29,754 Good day to you, Mrs Featherstone. 313 00:21:29,838 --> 00:21:32,955 Is it? Maybe it is if you're young and daft. 314 00:21:33,038 --> 00:21:36,792 Life's not so funny for mature persons of a sober disposition. 315 00:21:37,718 --> 00:21:39,037 Told you. 316 00:21:40,158 --> 00:21:44,549 All the more reason for us to have a little joke when we get the opportunity. 317 00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,948 -Listen, I.... -Must you breathe in my ear? 318 00:21:48,678 --> 00:21:51,988 I'm not sure it's seemly, young men breathing in your ear. 319 00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:54,956 And I hope we'll have no joking when I'm living here. 320 00:21:55,038 --> 00:21:58,826 I'll thank you not to go breathing in my ear when I'm your live-in housekeeper. 321 00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:05,109 Can you repeat that slowly, please, Mrs Featherstone? 322 00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:07,473 You mean, you're going to apply? 323 00:22:07,558 --> 00:22:12,552 Can you think of any one better qualified to lighten the burden of a prosperous businessman? 324 00:22:12,638 --> 00:22:16,074 I've always admired the strength of his grip on money. 325 00:22:16,158 --> 00:22:18,194 He needs someone by his side. 326 00:22:18,278 --> 00:22:21,668 A person of the same sober financial disposition. 327 00:22:27,798 --> 00:22:29,754 The Black Widow in his lap. 328 00:22:30,438 --> 00:22:32,554 He's in for a shock. 329 00:22:32,638 --> 00:22:35,914 Should be interesting. Are you coming in to see the fun? 330 00:22:35,998 --> 00:22:38,034 Don't be too anxious. 331 00:22:38,118 --> 00:22:41,349 Give her a moment to break it to him gently. 332 00:22:48,038 --> 00:22:50,313 I'll t-take the orders out. 333 00:23:02,678 --> 00:23:04,828 G-Granville, w-watch the shop! 334 00:23:08,118 --> 00:23:09,517 (BELL TINKLING) 335 00:23:11,318 --> 00:23:14,230 I'll call again when it's more convenient. 336 00:23:19,438 --> 00:23:23,431 The Black Widow. I've unleashed a m-monster. 337 00:23:24,198 --> 00:23:27,827 I knew it was a bad omen when you caught your t-trousers in the till. 338 00:23:28,318 --> 00:23:31,151 ''Hello,'' I thought, ''that's a b-bit near the knuckle.'' 339 00:23:31,238 --> 00:23:33,388 Near enough for me, too. 340 00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:38,347 I've never been able to read tea leaves, but errand boy's trousers I can decipher in a flash. 341 00:23:38,438 --> 00:23:40,554 Sometimes even before they flash. 342 00:23:40,638 --> 00:23:42,435 (BELL TINKLING) 343 00:23:43,478 --> 00:23:47,869 Hey, s-s-supposing it's her. The-the Black Widow. 344 00:23:47,958 --> 00:23:51,917 Mrs Fer-Fer-Fer.... Mrs Fer-Fer-Fer.... You know, her. 345 00:23:51,998 --> 00:23:54,387 Go and see. Go on, you go. 346 00:23:56,798 --> 00:24:01,314 I never thought I'd see the day when I was frightened to answer me own bell. 347 00:24:02,998 --> 00:24:05,387 Mrs Featherstone would like a word. 348 00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:07,434 Relax, relax, relax. 349 00:24:07,518 --> 00:24:10,749 It's only a fella. 350 00:24:11,318 --> 00:24:12,797 Oh, you! 351 00:24:14,318 --> 00:24:17,469 Who's come to apply for a job as a live-in housekeeper. 352 00:24:19,918 --> 00:24:23,593 No, it's a customer. It's just an ordinary customer. Go on. 353 00:24:28,278 --> 00:24:31,031 Supposing she comes in while I'm serving. You go, go on. 354 00:24:31,118 --> 00:24:32,756 Good morning, can I.... 355 00:24:34,078 --> 00:24:38,754 No, I've got to get out there and sell. I can't just f-faff about in here. 356 00:24:38,838 --> 00:24:41,147 I haven't got the underwear for it. 357 00:24:41,718 --> 00:24:46,508 And now, sir, what little Arkwright bargain can I get you? I'll just g-get my assistant. 358 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,677 (CLEARS THROAT) 359 00:24:51,758 --> 00:24:53,555 Good morning, can I.... 360 00:24:59,718 --> 00:25:02,630 -He's gone. -You let him get away now. 361 00:25:02,718 --> 00:25:05,755 Me? Why's it always my fault? 362 00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:08,557 I hate losing f-fully-grown customers. 363 00:25:08,638 --> 00:25:13,189 The little ones are different. You don't mind throwing a few of them back for later. 364 00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:14,677 Oh, dear. 365 00:25:14,758 --> 00:25:19,195 Don't start going to pieces. All you've got to do is to put the woman off. 366 00:25:19,278 --> 00:25:24,227 I don't want her to live here anymore than you do. I mean, who wants a live-in zombie? 367 00:25:24,998 --> 00:25:29,389 What I want to know is, how come when she died, they buried her husband? 368 00:25:30,878 --> 00:25:33,551 Look, never mind that. How am I going to put her off? 369 00:25:33,638 --> 00:25:37,028 I wish you'd tell me that instead of p-poking your trousers in the till. 370 00:25:37,118 --> 00:25:39,632 It's simple, it's simple. 371 00:25:39,718 --> 00:25:43,393 She's only attracted to you because she thinks you're a money grabber 372 00:25:43,478 --> 00:25:46,231 and a miserly old skinflint. 373 00:25:46,318 --> 00:25:49,276 I don't know w-where she got that idea from. 374 00:25:49,918 --> 00:25:54,196 All you got to do is make her think that you're a reckless big spender. 375 00:25:54,278 --> 00:25:55,950 A big sus-spender? 376 00:25:56,038 --> 00:26:00,793 No, no, try and take your mind off Nurse Gladys' underwear for a minute, will you? 377 00:26:00,878 --> 00:26:05,554 If she thinks you're a spender, you know, a big spender, she'll disappear over the horizon. 378 00:26:05,638 --> 00:26:08,357 How can I do that? She's the customer, not me. 379 00:26:08,438 --> 00:26:11,748 I'm supposed to take the money and then give it a good home. 380 00:26:11,838 --> 00:26:15,114 Look, you've been threatening to redo the shop front for years, right? 381 00:26:15,198 --> 00:26:19,271 Listen, let her see you getting that done. That'll frighten her off. 382 00:26:19,358 --> 00:26:22,509 But you're going to have to be reckless. 383 00:26:23,798 --> 00:26:25,834 -Reckless? -Aye, utterly. 384 00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:27,988 Utterly and reckless? 385 00:26:28,078 --> 00:26:30,956 Granville, I-I'm just glad your poor mother isn't here 386 00:26:31,038 --> 00:26:33,552 to hear you using all this f-foul language. 387 00:26:33,918 --> 00:26:35,431 I'll think about it. 388 00:26:35,518 --> 00:26:38,237 -Look, it's no good.... -No, no, no! Please. 389 00:26:38,318 --> 00:26:40,388 Not another r-rude word. 390 00:27:03,758 --> 00:27:07,228 They say he authorised massive changes to his shop front. 391 00:27:07,598 --> 00:27:09,873 I didn't think he was the type. 392 00:27:10,438 --> 00:27:15,034 They get to his age, they get the urge to do things with their own fronts. 393 00:27:16,198 --> 00:27:17,790 I'd have this out. 394 00:27:19,078 --> 00:27:20,511 I'd have that out. 395 00:27:21,198 --> 00:27:25,589 A full new exterior. A whole expanse of glass. 396 00:27:26,558 --> 00:27:28,708 You must go for glass. 397 00:27:36,238 --> 00:27:39,310 -What's the matter with your uncle? -He's all right. 398 00:27:39,398 --> 00:27:43,949 He gets a sort of sympathetic pregnancy every time large bills start coming due. 399 00:27:46,638 --> 00:27:48,117 (STUTTERING) 400 00:27:48,198 --> 00:27:49,711 How much? 401 00:28:00,278 --> 00:28:02,394 You're going to be looking at that. 402 00:28:10,438 --> 00:28:13,794 Well, I'll t-tell you what I'm g-going to do with you. 403 00:28:13,878 --> 00:28:16,995 I'm going to go for p-part of the scheme. 404 00:28:17,598 --> 00:28:20,158 You won't regret it. We can transform this place. 405 00:28:20,238 --> 00:28:21,990 -It'll be like a fairytale. -Yeah. 406 00:28:22,078 --> 00:28:24,069 Which part of the scheme were you interested in? 407 00:28:24,158 --> 00:28:26,228 Well, I'm going to go for a whole new.... 408 00:28:26,318 --> 00:28:28,434 A whole n-n-new 409 00:28:28,518 --> 00:28:30,156 d-doorknob. 410 00:28:32,558 --> 00:28:34,913 And k-knobs to the lot of you. 411 00:28:41,518 --> 00:28:43,554 It's been a funny day. 412 00:28:44,798 --> 00:28:48,234 I wish our Granville hadn't got so much loose trouser. 413 00:28:48,598 --> 00:28:51,749 Enough room in there for a live-in housekeeper. 414 00:28:52,998 --> 00:28:55,831 Fancy getting them caught in the till. 415 00:28:56,518 --> 00:29:00,670 Still, better Granville's trousers than Mrs Featherstone's hand. 416 00:29:00,758 --> 00:29:02,908 Not to mention her trousers. 417 00:29:04,398 --> 00:29:08,471 God preserve me from ever having to mention her unmentionables. 418 00:29:09,478 --> 00:29:14,233 One thing is certain, she'll never get her knicker legs over my washing line.