1
00:00:22,870 --> 00:00:24,462
(BELL TINKLING)
2
00:00:33,590 --> 00:00:35,740
(SARCASTICALLY) Happy birthday.
3
00:00:40,190 --> 00:00:43,068
Granville! What are you doing?
4
00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:46,460
Writing rash statements like that
all over me front.
5
00:00:47,230 --> 00:00:49,380
Why not? It is your birthday, isn't it?
6
00:00:49,470 --> 00:00:53,258
It's not that.
It's the ''2p off carrots'' I'm worried about.
7
00:00:53,350 --> 00:00:55,625
Arkwright's birthday bonanza indeed.
8
00:00:55,710 --> 00:00:59,783
What do you think this is? A giveaway game show?
9
00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:02,907
''Ladies and gentlemen, the price is wrong.
10
00:01:02,990 --> 00:01:05,550
''Granville, come on down.''
11
00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:38,783
What are you doing to yourself?
12
00:01:38,870 --> 00:01:42,829
If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's a b-badly wrapped errand boy.
13
00:01:42,910 --> 00:01:44,502
It's the milkwoman.
14
00:01:44,590 --> 00:01:47,502
She thinks I'm inexperienced
in the ways of the flesh.
15
00:01:47,590 --> 00:01:50,343
She's probably seen you s-slicing bacon.
16
00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:55,985
If she thinks I've just staggered home
from a wild all-night party, covered in lipstick....
17
00:01:56,070 --> 00:01:58,709
Where you gonna g-get kissed
this time of the morning?
18
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:01,748
I never get k-kissed this time of the morning
and I'm engaged.
19
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,583
I've got me rubber lip stamp, haven't I?
20
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:15,421
-You b-big jessie, you.
-No.
21
00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:27,829
-Morning, Granville.
-Hi, kid.
22
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:32,221
Kid? Changing our whole personality, aren't we?
23
00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:36,383
Oh, guess I haven't switched off
from last night's swinging scene.
24
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:41,620
-Swinging scene, was it?
-Aye, a few chicks, the odd flagon of vino.
25
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:50,060
Not only a butterfingers,
but covered in lipstick, too.
26
00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:53,268
Oh, damn. I thought I'd wiped it all away.
27
00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:58,260
How would you like to add some lips
to this collection?
28
00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:02,586
Why not? I'm game if you are.
29
00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:11,583
There you go.
30
00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:18,860
Here's looking at you, kid.
31
00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:30,706
Hey, rubber lips.
Come on inside before you c-curdle that milk.
32
00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:37,146
There we go then, C-Cyril.
33
00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:41,665
And a quarter of a mixed sweets.
Thank you very much.
34
00:03:46,670 --> 00:03:50,299
Just like that?
You're gonna leave them lying in me hand?
35
00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:55,104
Well, if you want m-more active sweets,
you'll have to j-jiggle them a bit.
36
00:03:56,070 --> 00:04:00,348
-Aren't you gonna wrap 'em up?
-Wrap 'em up? They are wr-wrapped up.
37
00:04:01,270 --> 00:04:05,229
Individually, they're wrapped up.
Aren't you gonna put them in a bag?
38
00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,904
Am I.... Am I overlooking something here?
39
00:04:07,990 --> 00:04:10,345
I mean, we're not related or anything, are we?
40
00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:14,946
I mean, is there any f-family reason
why you should expect this special treatment?
41
00:04:15,030 --> 00:04:16,668
A little bag?
42
00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:20,538
Putting the sweets in a bag,
you call that special treatment?
43
00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:25,021
I suppose it all depends
what sort of p-pampered background you're from.
44
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:26,338
Pampered?
45
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:29,103
I can't help wondering
what your m-missus must make
46
00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:33,900
of all of these unreasonable demands.
You must be h-hell to live with, Cyril.
47
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:39,139
Still, in my book the c-customer is always right.
You shall have your little bag.
48
00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:42,506
-Thank you very much.
-That'll be another 2p, please.
49
00:04:43,510 --> 00:04:47,185
I've heard about you.
''Don't go in that shop,'' they said.
50
00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:50,899
''There's a great brute in there.
He'll have your arm off.''
51
00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:54,105
I thought they meant a flaming Alsatian.
52
00:04:54,190 --> 00:04:55,623
(BELL TINKLING)
53
00:04:55,710 --> 00:04:59,020
We haven't got the money
to keep dogs in here, Cyril.
54
00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,544
My assistant will bark on demand.
55
00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:04,703
There you are, there's one coming up now.
56
00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:08,063
It's a dog's life in here, I can tell you that.
57
00:05:08,150 --> 00:05:11,301
Listen, never mind that, Fido, come back here
58
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:14,939
and explain to this gentleman
our policy on little bags, will you?
59
00:05:15,030 --> 00:05:17,908
Certainly. He won't let me go out with any.
60
00:05:21,310 --> 00:05:23,619
You must excuse him. He's not quite awake yet.
61
00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:27,305
You know what it is with young people,
they tend to d-doze off, don't they?
62
00:05:27,390 --> 00:05:30,188
Round about 1 4. They wake up in their late 30s.
63
00:05:30,270 --> 00:05:32,420
Are you gonna wrap these up?
64
00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:35,338
You're not interested in philosophy at all, are you?
65
00:05:35,430 --> 00:05:37,261
Why don't you s-stick them in your pocket?
66
00:05:37,350 --> 00:05:40,103
I don't want this lot rolling round me pocket.
67
00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:43,546
They're only s-sweets,
they're not explosive devices.
68
00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:46,066
Pick 'n' mix it says there.
69
00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:49,540
With ''pick 'n' mix''
you always get a paper bag free.
70
00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:53,942
-Look, he comes in here, g-groggy with sleep.
-Who's groggy with sleep?
71
00:05:54,030 --> 00:05:56,464
You are. I think it shows g-great spirit
72
00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:59,150
worrying about a little item like a paper bag
73
00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:01,790
when you've got eyes as b-bloodshot as yours.
74
00:06:01,870 --> 00:06:05,579
-And don't tell me they're always like that, Cyril.
-Like what?
75
00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:09,788
Have you seen your eyes this morning?
Look here. There you are, look.
76
00:06:10,190 --> 00:06:12,260
Look like s-stewed rhubarb.
77
00:06:16,150 --> 00:06:18,027
You're rude to people, you.
78
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:21,898
It's one of the few pleasures
left to the undeserving p-poor.
79
00:06:31,670 --> 00:06:33,820
There we are. Thank you, C-Cyril.
80
00:06:33,910 --> 00:06:36,902
No, I've taken 49p for the mirror, thank you.
81
00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:42,829
You what? That's outrageous.
82
00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:46,823
Look, is it my fault you were t-too late
for the January sales?
83
00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:50,148
They were qu-queueing all night, you know.
84
00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:55,108
How do you get away
with being so rude to people?
85
00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:59,149
It's an acquired skill. Plus, I do study the experts.
86
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:01,425
Post office c-counter staff...
87
00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:06,739
anyone in local government
with his knees under a desk.
88
00:07:06,830 --> 00:07:08,707
I think you're just a natural.
89
00:07:08,790 --> 00:07:11,668
That's very nice of you to s-say so, Granville,
90
00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,025
especially on my b-birthday.
91
00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:17,307
Hey, that's a very nice table
you're laying up there.
92
00:07:17,390 --> 00:07:20,985
Why don't you go and get one of those
chocolate whip gateaux from out there?
93
00:07:21,070 --> 00:07:24,380
We've got some out there
that are past their sell-by date.
94
00:07:24,470 --> 00:07:29,100
I want Nurse Gladys to think we're laying out
a f-fair bit of money on this do.
95
00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:31,863
It's all you ever talk about is money, innit?
96
00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:34,384
Well, what else is there to t-talk about?
97
00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:37,985
Don't you ever lie awake at night
worrying about your overheads?
98
00:07:38,070 --> 00:07:42,507
Overheads? I've seen so little of life,
I don't even have any underheads.
99
00:07:43,070 --> 00:07:47,461
Your mother had the same reckless,
impetuous streak, you know.
100
00:07:47,870 --> 00:07:51,180
Mind you, she didn't have him long,
his missus found out.
101
00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:53,579
Are you being rude about my mother again?
102
00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:57,265
No, course I'm not.
I'm very f-fond of her, always w-was.
103
00:07:57,390 --> 00:08:00,666
Even when she came out
in that d-dreadful big lump.
104
00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:04,505
Oh, that was awful, wasn't it?
It t-turned out to be you.
105
00:08:07,510 --> 00:08:09,705
I remember the day you were born, you know.
106
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:14,022
Funny little s-screwed-up thing you were.
You still are.
107
00:08:14,670 --> 00:08:17,264
Yeah, and we know
who's screwing me up, don't we?
108
00:08:17,350 --> 00:08:21,707
Hey, listen, don't start.
Nurse Gladys will be over in a minute for tea.
109
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:24,258
Hey, that's nice. It looks lovely, doesn't it?
110
00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:26,705
You'd never know
that was past its date, would you?
111
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:30,305
Hey, get some of them c-crackers down
off the top there.
112
00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:33,826
-Make it all look f-festive.
-Crackers? It's not Christmas.
113
00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:38,586
-You're filling the table with old stock.
-Well, w-what's wrong with old s-stock?
114
00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:42,549
-I feel a bit old stock meself for 57.
-58.
115
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:44,109
Yes, I know, I know.
116
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,785
Go on, get them crackers down.
What does it matter what the time of year it is?
117
00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:50,384
The crackers will s-still go bang.
118
00:08:50,470 --> 00:08:55,021
The paper hats s-still won't fit,
just like they don't fit at Christmas time.
119
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:57,943
-Here you are, ''you're'' crackers.
-Thank you.
120
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:02,106
It's all right, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
121
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:13,224
-Oh. Oh, it's you, Granville.
-Yes, entirely me, Mrs Featherstone.
122
00:09:13,310 --> 00:09:17,349
I was hoping it might be....
He usually serves me himself.
123
00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:20,581
Oh, him? Well, he's rude and mercenary.
124
00:09:20,670 --> 00:09:23,867
He is, isn't he? You've got to admire him for it.
125
00:09:24,550 --> 00:09:27,906
You know where you are
with people of his generation.
126
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:33,109
I prefer to place myself
in the hands of the more mature person.
127
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:36,626
Well, I hope to be
a more mature person one day, Mrs Featherstone.
128
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,668
In the meantime, you have my best endeavour.
129
00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:43,026
You hear such scandalous tales about the young.
130
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:45,908
True. No, I mean, me too.
131
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:49,221
I hear such scandalous tales about the young.
132
00:09:49,310 --> 00:09:52,143
I never get involved in any,
I just hear about them.
133
00:09:52,230 --> 00:09:55,905
-The things they get up to nowadays.
-Apparently. Ooh....
134
00:09:57,230 --> 00:10:01,667
Before we start, I want to ask you
a personal question, Granville.
135
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:04,822
At last, I'm being treated as a grown-up, at last.
136
00:10:04,910 --> 00:10:07,265
I want you to be
perfectly frank and honest with me.
137
00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:09,102
I will, Mrs Featherstone.
138
00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:13,741
It's not every day that
I'm consulted confidentially in personal matters
139
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:16,025
by attractive widowed ladies,
140
00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:20,262
buffeted, like myself,
on the cold winds of loneliness.
141
00:10:20,350 --> 00:10:23,706
-Attractive?
-Yeah, you're a woman, Mrs Featherstone.
142
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,669
I find all women attractive, mysterious.
143
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:30,389
Are you going to start making improper advances?
144
00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:33,064
Ready when you are, Mrs Featherstone.
145
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:38,468
Somebody your age shouldn't be looking lustfully
at somebody my age.
146
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:40,700
Well, I wouldn't say lustfully.
147
00:10:40,790 --> 00:10:45,420
It's just a young man's growing interest
in the machinery of life.
148
00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:47,865
You keep away from my machinery.
149
00:10:48,790 --> 00:10:53,739
The urge, you know, to tinker and experiment.
I was exactly the same with Meccano.
150
00:10:54,030 --> 00:10:57,625
Just means that I'm ready to move up
to the next set. You know what I mean?
151
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,099
I suggest you start with somebody your own age.
152
00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:02,943
I have. There's no one worked harder
153
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,828
trying to start with someone
their own age than me.
154
00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:08,470
Finishing, now that's a different matter entirely.
155
00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:11,348
What will it be?
Will it be a brown loaf, Mrs Featherstone?
156
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:14,547
Don't move. Stay right where you are.
157
00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:17,267
I'm quite breathless.
158
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:22,222
Now, I want you to tell me, Granville,
and don't lie to me.
159
00:11:22,310 --> 00:11:24,266
-As a young person...
-Yes.
160
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:28,423
-...experienced in all the temptations of the age...
-Oh, yes.
161
00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:31,229
I want you to tell me, honestly....
162
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:33,860
What is it, Mrs Featherstone?
163
00:11:33,950 --> 00:11:36,384
When did you last wash your hands?
164
00:11:37,390 --> 00:11:39,699
I was drying them when I came in just now.
165
00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:43,908
-You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Granville?
-Cross my heart, hope to die.
166
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,180
Well, in that case,
I'll have a quarter of boiled ham.
167
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:57,981
I haven't pulled mine. Hang about. Ooh.
Hey, that's mine.
168
00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:00,820
There we are then, B-B-Byron.
169
00:12:00,910 --> 00:12:04,869
That's b-butter, lard and some of that
nasty, cheap cheese your missus insists on.
170
00:12:04,950 --> 00:12:07,225
She prefers that brand, actually.
171
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:11,383
Yes, I understand.
In my book the customer is always re-re....
172
00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:14,348
The customer is always re-re-reluctant...
173
00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:16,944
reluctant to s-spend money.
174
00:12:17,790 --> 00:12:20,748
And one twin pack...
175
00:12:20,830 --> 00:12:23,264
(WHISPERING) ...toilet tissue.
176
00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:27,146
H-Have I g-gone deaf?
177
00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:32,103
All I heard then was a b-breath of fresh air.
What did you say?
178
00:12:32,510 --> 00:12:37,379
-One twin pack toilet tissue.
-Oh, right.
179
00:12:37,470 --> 00:12:41,224
Okay, B-Byron.
One double-barrelled bog roll coming up.
180
00:12:42,630 --> 00:12:46,020
Oh, you're right. You're absolutely right.
181
00:12:46,430 --> 00:12:50,309
He very badly needs a little course
of enforced politeness.
182
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:53,860
Though how we're going to achieve it,
short of major organ transplant,
183
00:12:53,950 --> 00:12:55,827
I shudder to think.
184
00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:00,989
You've got an idea. A very wicked idea.
185
00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:03,580
A really evil little idea.
186
00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:18,142
There we are, B-Byron.
That's your change of fer-for-fer....
187
00:13:19,070 --> 00:13:22,699
That's for-fee-fer.... That's 1 0p change.
188
00:13:25,030 --> 00:13:27,100
Let's have a look, see you've got everything.
189
00:13:27,190 --> 00:13:30,546
Have you got that nasty, cheap cheese
your missus has? Have you got that?
190
00:13:30,630 --> 00:13:32,268
I'm sure we got the cheese.
191
00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:35,581
Oh, there it is.
Cowering behind a better quality item.
192
00:13:35,670 --> 00:13:37,467
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
193
00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:39,539
Oh.
194
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,304
Oh?
195
00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:47,026
Aftershave. I don't suppose you have any?
196
00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:49,943
After-after-aftersh-aftershave?
197
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:54,019
Oh, we've s-s-started aftershave, have we?
198
00:13:54,110 --> 00:13:57,261
-It's like that, is it, B-Byron?
-Like what, man?
199
00:13:57,350 --> 00:14:00,422
D-don't worry, I've seen it all before.
200
00:14:00,510 --> 00:14:05,265
So, you've got a little bit of a female p-part-time
interest on the side, have you, B-Byron?
201
00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:07,022
No, of course I haven't.
202
00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:10,022
Look, relax, your s-secret is safe with me.
203
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:14,103
You can rely upon the discretion
of your p-private shopkeeper,
204
00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:17,102
no matter what sort of
rotten cheap cheese you buy.
205
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,546
I have no secrets. I don't want any secrets.
206
00:14:20,630 --> 00:14:23,986
Don't be shy.
Your relationship and my relationship
207
00:14:24,070 --> 00:14:26,459
is just like a doctor and patient, you know.
208
00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:29,144
When it comes to whose m-midnight bicycle
209
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:32,939
was outside whose b-back door all night,
my lips are sealed.
210
00:14:33,030 --> 00:14:34,861
Mind you, I will say this.
211
00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:38,909
If ever you want to b-borrow a good pump,
try her at number 42.
212
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,225
42? Did he say number 42?
I'll make a note of that.
213
00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:46,939
That's not my game at all. I haven't got a bicycle.
214
00:14:47,030 --> 00:14:51,262
It's funny, you know, most of my aftershave
goes to the extra-marital trade.
215
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:54,865
That's why I keep it down here
on the illicit love shelf.
216
00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:58,863
Along with the racier deodorants
and the t-toenail clippers,
217
00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:02,306
the X-certificate bath essence
and the softer toilet tissues
218
00:15:02,390 --> 00:15:07,259
and, funnily enough, the combination
p-pocket magnifier with a built-in light.
219
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:12,183
I've spent many a slack afternoon wondering
what advantages would accrue
220
00:15:12,270 --> 00:15:16,149
to the older operator
of the pocket magnifier with a b-built-in light.
221
00:15:16,230 --> 00:15:19,108
I keep them all down here by the door.
222
00:15:19,190 --> 00:15:24,059
Say what you like about your average
g-guilty lover, he doesn't tend to hang about.
223
00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:27,745
He likes to nip in,
grab the first thing he can see, and off again.
224
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:31,743
-Perhaps I'll leave it for now.
-No, you can't leave this stuff. It won't be left.
225
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,105
-It's called Savage, Byron.
-I don't care.
226
00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:36,943
It's very difficult to keep
the damn stuff in the bottle, you know.
227
00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:39,828
-Forget it.
-Guaranteed, the most p-potent aid
228
00:15:39,910 --> 00:15:44,222
-to your love-life since the thermal sock.
-Forget it. Forget I ever asked for it.
229
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:47,427
I'll deny everything.
I'm a very happily married man.
230
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:51,185
Very well. But you know where to come
if ever you get lucky enough
231
00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:55,263
to require a combination pocket magnifier
with a built-in light.
232
00:15:56,910 --> 00:15:59,902
We've got b-bog rolls in all colours, Byron.
233
00:16:02,790 --> 00:16:06,908
Oh, dear. I d-don't know what's g-got into him.
234
00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:11,229
I can tell you what's got into him.
An acute attack of big mouth.
235
00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:16,463
-He hasn't got a big mouth.
-Not his, yours.
236
00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:19,303
-Oh, I see.
-But never mind that.
237
00:16:19,390 --> 00:16:22,348
-Granville's got something to ask you.
-Oh, yeah.
238
00:16:22,430 --> 00:16:24,022
Oh, yeah.
239
00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:28,658
If a big fat woman worked
in a sweet shop for five years,
240
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:30,627
what does she weigh?
241
00:16:31,510 --> 00:16:33,546
Give up? Sweets.
242
00:16:35,510 --> 00:16:37,978
Not that, you ha'p'orth.
243
00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:42,302
-Your little bit of industrial spying.
-Industrial spying?
244
00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:45,700
You haven't been hobnobbing with them
factory girls again, have you?
245
00:16:45,790 --> 00:16:49,021
Me, hobnob? Don't think I've even got one.
246
00:16:50,670 --> 00:16:54,026
No, I just heard them talking in the shoe shop.
247
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:57,227
They were talking about the Good Shop Guide.
248
00:16:57,310 --> 00:16:59,870
The Good Sh-Shop Guide?
249
00:16:59,950 --> 00:17:03,704
No, not the Good Share Shop Guide.
That's the Co-op.
250
00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:07,824
It's the Good Shop Guide.
It's like the Good Food Guide.
251
00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:10,583
You know, they have
all these inspectors wandering about.
252
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,740
Apparently there's an inspector in the area
253
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:15,902
going around all the shops
pretending to be an ordinary customer.
254
00:17:15,990 --> 00:17:18,550
Is there? What's he look like?
255
00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:21,986
Nobody knows what he looks like.
They wouldn't, would they?
256
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:23,947
I mean, could be a she.
257
00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:26,703
-She?
-Yeah, a she, you know,
258
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:30,703
the ones that go round molesting
men's hands with their bodies.
259
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,262
-I know what they are.
-Wish I did.
260
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:41,100
You keep your mind on
w-what we're talking about.
261
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:44,705
What is all this Good Shop plop?
I mean, what's he going on about?
262
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,588
I told you, it's like the Good Food Guide.
263
00:17:47,670 --> 00:17:51,185
They give you a star rating.
Like one-star, two-star, three-star,
264
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:56,105
depending upon how good you are.
You get marks for service, quality
265
00:17:56,190 --> 00:18:00,183
-and of course, politeness.
-Well, we're in with a chance, then.
266
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:03,818
What are you laughing at, both of you?
267
00:18:03,910 --> 00:18:06,902
You'd have to struggle
to get in the Bad Shop Guide.
268
00:18:06,990 --> 00:18:11,063
-Hey, you watch it, you.
-That's one star you've lost for a start.
269
00:18:11,150 --> 00:18:12,424
(BELL TINKLING)
270
00:18:12,510 --> 00:18:15,024
Hey, th-they look nice, don't they?
271
00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:19,068
Hey. Psst.
272
00:18:19,150 --> 00:18:21,061
Could be the inspector.
273
00:18:21,670 --> 00:18:24,025
Hey, go on. You go, you're the owner.
274
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:27,022
I'm just gonna g-get me face
around this c-cream slice here.
275
00:18:27,110 --> 00:18:29,305
I know, but you're the owner.
276
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:33,626
Could be worth all the effort, you know.
Might double our trade.
277
00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:38,746
Oh, listen. One of the things
they give you top marks for
278
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:41,663
is they like to see how kind you are
to your employees.
279
00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:43,502
Remember, I'm an employee.
280
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,262
You're having me on.
281
00:18:45,350 --> 00:18:49,263
No, honestly!
It's two stars for kindness to employees.
282
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:53,220
You're not going to take advantage
of this situation, are you?
283
00:18:53,310 --> 00:18:54,948
Now, would I?
284
00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:05,502
Good day, sir.
285
00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:07,865
Welcome to H-Happy Arkwright's.
286
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:10,980
Just don't get his blood pressure too high.
287
00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:13,948
Me? You're a fine one to talk, ain't ya?
288
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:18,259
I don't suppose you keep anything
for removing smears from a windscreen?
289
00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:22,582
Oh, yes, we do, sir. Yes, we do. It's out the back.
290
00:19:22,670 --> 00:19:27,266
It's called Granville. Granville, come here.
291
00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:30,626
Come and unsmear this gentleman,
would you, please?
292
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:35,267
(MUTTERING) Kindness to employees, two stars.
293
00:19:36,190 --> 00:19:39,865
He's a funny little chap.
We're a very happy team here, you know, sir.
294
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:42,384
Oh, yes, he spoils me rotten, you know, sir.
295
00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:47,464
He always says, ''Granville, help yourself
to as much free ice cream as you please.''
296
00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:52,580
No, sorry, I tell a lie. What he actually says is,
297
00:19:52,670 --> 00:19:56,982
he says, ''Granville, help yourself to as m-m-much
298
00:19:57,070 --> 00:20:00,506
''fe-fe-free ice cream as you per-per-per....''
Two stars.
299
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,220
He's a funny little wag.
Used to be in the Boy Scouts, you see.
300
00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:08,301
Oh, we do laugh, don't we?
301
00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:12,463
You remember yesterday when we laughed
when you f-fell down the stairs?
302
00:20:12,550 --> 00:20:15,110
I didn't fall down the stairs yesterday.
303
00:20:15,190 --> 00:20:17,658
Maybe I'm th-thinking of tomorrow.
304
00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:22,827
Now, sir.
Here we are, something for the windscreen.
305
00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:27,222
I always keep a few r-requisites
for p-p-passing motorists.
306
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:32,259
I make a point of it. It's not the money, it's just
the public service, you know what I mean?
307
00:20:35,310 --> 00:20:39,588
That's a n-nasty c-cough you've g-got
there, Granville. Oh, dear.
308
00:20:41,510 --> 00:20:42,499
Ta.
309
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:51,982
So, you reckon that windscreen smear man
weren't the inspector?
310
00:20:52,070 --> 00:20:54,903
No. He's still to come, I reckon.
311
00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:59,259
Hope he doesn't turn up
while you're over Nurse Gladys'.
312
00:20:59,350 --> 00:21:03,104
Why are you going over there, anyway?
You've had your birthday tea.
313
00:21:03,190 --> 00:21:07,149
I'm going over to get me present.
I wonder what it is.
314
00:21:09,510 --> 00:21:14,186
I hope.... No, no, it wouldn't be.
315
00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:16,943
I mean, if she gave it me as a b-birthday present,
316
00:21:17,030 --> 00:21:20,340
she'd have nothing to give me
as a w-wedding present.
317
00:21:20,430 --> 00:21:24,184
I haven't got the vaguest idea
about what you are referring to.
318
00:21:24,270 --> 00:21:27,899
Yes, you have.
You know exactly what I'm referring to.
319
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:30,226
Her m-marble clock.
320
00:21:30,310 --> 00:21:33,461
I've always admired her m-marble clock.
321
00:21:33,550 --> 00:21:34,824
I'm sure it's mutual.
322
00:21:34,910 --> 00:21:38,619
-It has a wonderful French movement.
-Oh, really? How's it go?
323
00:21:39,230 --> 00:21:44,020
No. Don't be daft. All c-clocks have movements.
324
00:21:44,430 --> 00:21:46,944
Mine doesn't. It's positively inert.
325
00:21:47,710 --> 00:21:50,508
Well, it's digital.
Is it any wonder? Look at the time.
326
00:21:50,590 --> 00:21:54,742
8:45 pm and I'm held here,
prisoner in the clutches of my wicked uncle.
327
00:21:54,830 --> 00:21:59,665
Your uncle is going to be wicked across the road,
c-clutching something else entirely.
328
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:02,628
-Yeah. And I'm Aladdin.
-You?
329
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:06,864
Yeah, I am Aladdin.
A-lad-in here unable to get out.
330
00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:12,542
Listen, Aladdin, you stay here
and guard this cave of treasures, will you?
331
00:22:12,630 --> 00:22:15,667
And don't go rubbing your lamp while I'm out.
332
00:22:17,790 --> 00:22:21,499
I don't want to come back here and
find you've turned into a f-fairy prince.
333
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:24,866
There's too many round here. I'll get that.
334
00:22:25,190 --> 00:22:28,227
Could be the inspector. Where's your overall?
335
00:22:29,310 --> 00:22:31,266
I left it upstairs when I was change....
336
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,899
Give me that striped apron off there.
No, don't bother.
337
00:22:35,430 --> 00:22:40,140
G-Good evening, sir.
V-Very nice evening f-for the time of weather.
338
00:22:40,230 --> 00:22:43,461
Is there anything I can help you with
or are you just a snoop....
339
00:22:43,550 --> 00:22:45,666
Are you just b-browsing?
340
00:22:45,750 --> 00:22:48,389
If there's nothing you can see
that's on the shelves,
341
00:22:48,470 --> 00:22:51,507
m-my assistant, Granville, will get it for you.
342
00:22:51,590 --> 00:22:55,299
What I mean to say is,
if there's something not on the shelf,
343
00:22:55,390 --> 00:22:56,903
Granville w-will remove it.
344
00:22:56,990 --> 00:23:00,266
Granville, get out here
and straighten the bananas.
345
00:23:01,470 --> 00:23:02,823
Thank you.
346
00:23:11,230 --> 00:23:13,949
That's a v-very nasty tickle
you've got there, Granville.
347
00:23:14,030 --> 00:23:16,498
You better help yourself to something
for your throat.
348
00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:20,981
We don't want our valuable employees
coughing all over the comestibles, do we?
349
00:23:21,070 --> 00:23:24,460
No, I'll have an ice cream,
that's good for the throat.
350
00:23:24,550 --> 00:23:27,144
I had one earlier on. Well, half-a-one.
351
00:23:27,230 --> 00:23:29,266
It freezes the epiglottis.
352
00:23:30,230 --> 00:23:33,939
We m-must try that on other parts of you later on.
353
00:23:34,790 --> 00:23:37,987
There's no need to d-damage th-the bread, sir.
354
00:23:38,070 --> 00:23:40,140
It's all f-fresh as a daisy.
355
00:23:40,230 --> 00:23:42,949
It's s-soft as a b-baby's b-bottom lip.
356
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,980
You'll find no f-foreign substances
at Arkwright's, sir.
357
00:23:47,070 --> 00:23:51,586
If it's mouse droppings you're looking for,
there's a much better stockist in the main street.
358
00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:58,259
-Pardon?
-He said, ''Have you got anything for laryngitis?''
359
00:23:58,350 --> 00:24:02,343
Oh, I thought it sounded a bit nasty.
I've got the very thing here, sir.
360
00:24:02,430 --> 00:24:06,628
This is wonderful stuff. I use this meself.
There we are, Granville.
361
00:24:06,710 --> 00:24:10,828
I swear by that stuff, sir.
As soon as I get me voice back.
362
00:24:11,190 --> 00:24:13,067
I can't keep it up!
363
00:24:14,470 --> 00:24:16,825
Have you got any of that Savage aftershave?
364
00:24:16,910 --> 00:24:19,140
Oh, yes. Isn't that funny? That's a coincidence.
365
00:24:19,230 --> 00:24:21,869
You're the second gentleman
to ask for that today, sir.
366
00:24:21,950 --> 00:24:25,260
It's on the second shelf, Granville, keep it dark.
367
00:24:29,990 --> 00:24:34,108
He said, ''You know anything
about the lady who lives at number 42?''
368
00:24:34,190 --> 00:24:37,387
Oh, well, it's all falling into place now.
369
00:24:37,470 --> 00:24:40,143
So you're investigating her as well, are you?
370
00:24:40,590 --> 00:24:44,105
Well, I suppose
she would come under the heading retailer, yes.
371
00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:46,658
She certainly doesn't give it away.
372
00:24:48,870 --> 00:24:51,509
Have you any personal experience of the lady?
373
00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:53,308
Well, put it this way.
374
00:24:53,390 --> 00:24:56,746
I've been supplying her with fresh vegetables
every T-Tuesday afternoon
375
00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:59,469
for the p-past 1 8 months
and I've not seen a penny.
376
00:24:59,550 --> 00:25:02,906
M-mind you,
I've seen a good deal of everything else.
377
00:25:03,470 --> 00:25:06,826
So that's where you've been getting to
every Tuesday afternoon, is it?
378
00:25:06,910 --> 00:25:09,344
You keep q-quiet about this, G-Granville, my lad.
379
00:25:09,430 --> 00:25:13,423
If Nurse G-Gladys found that out,
she'd sp-spiflicate me.
380
00:25:17,590 --> 00:25:21,947
You.... You put her up to this, Granville.
381
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,460
It wasn't him. It was me.
382
00:25:27,550 --> 00:25:31,259
I just wanted to hear you being polite
to someone for a change.
383
00:25:31,350 --> 00:25:33,989
Well, I'm always p-p-polite to you, my love.
384
00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:38,825
-A customer. I'm not a customer.
-You could be if you played your cards right.
385
00:25:39,590 --> 00:25:41,660
All I'm short of is a dozen eggs.
386
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:45,106
And the way your hands are shaking,
you'd probably drop them.
387
00:25:45,190 --> 00:25:47,340
I-I wish you'd d-d-drop them.
388
00:25:48,510 --> 00:25:50,660
I beg your pardon? What do you mean?
389
00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:54,504
Those flimsy little things that
come between me and happiness.
390
00:25:54,590 --> 00:25:56,581
Oh, scruples, you mean.
391
00:25:56,670 --> 00:26:00,106
That's a new way of calling them, isn't it?
Scruples.
392
00:26:00,190 --> 00:26:04,103
''I can't come out tonight.
I've gotta rinse a few p-pairs of scruples.''
393
00:26:04,190 --> 00:26:07,739
Are you coming over or not?
Your champagne will be getting cold.
394
00:26:07,830 --> 00:26:12,062
-Hey, what about m-my p-present?
-I'm your present.
395
00:26:12,150 --> 00:26:14,141
Oh, c-can I unwrap you now, then?
396
00:26:14,230 --> 00:26:17,028
No, I'll do the unwrapping, thank you.
397
00:26:17,110 --> 00:26:21,103
-Keep your hands to yourself.
-Hey. I've got a m-mac like that.
398
00:26:21,870 --> 00:26:25,465
-You got a hat like this and all.
-These are mine, aren't they?
399
00:26:25,550 --> 00:26:29,668
You have had me going, you really have.
I really thought you was him.
400
00:26:29,750 --> 00:26:33,186
-Him? Him who?
-Him from the multicoloured shop guide.
401
00:26:33,870 --> 00:26:35,861
There's no such person.
402
00:26:39,630 --> 00:26:41,063
You what?
403
00:26:41,590 --> 00:26:44,900
Granville and I made him up just to get you going.
404
00:26:44,990 --> 00:26:48,426
Granville, I'll d-deal with you later.
405
00:26:48,510 --> 00:26:50,182
Now, you know what you want, don't you?
406
00:26:50,270 --> 00:26:52,625
You want a-a good walloping,
that's what you want.
407
00:26:52,710 --> 00:26:55,668
-And who's gonna give it to me?
-I-I-I am.
408
00:26:55,750 --> 00:26:57,547
Oh, three of you.
409
00:26:58,950 --> 00:27:00,941
-There's just one question.
-Oh.
410
00:27:01,030 --> 00:27:03,419
-With or without scruples?
-Right.
411
00:27:11,110 --> 00:27:12,668
Well!
412
00:27:18,510 --> 00:27:21,547
Oh. Hello, Mrs Fer-Fer....
413
00:27:23,670 --> 00:27:26,309
J-Just doing a bit of s-stocktaking.
414
00:27:26,390 --> 00:27:28,665
Do my eyes deceive me?
415
00:27:28,750 --> 00:27:32,106
N-No, it's all very real, as far as I can ascertain.
416
00:27:32,510 --> 00:27:35,866
I'll never be able
to look Nurse Gladys in the face again.
417
00:27:35,950 --> 00:27:38,259
Not from this angle, certainly.
418
00:27:43,950 --> 00:27:46,259
I'll give him Good Shop Guide.
419
00:27:47,070 --> 00:27:50,380
I'll give him two stars where they'll do most good.
420
00:27:52,350 --> 00:27:55,148
So, they think I'm too rude to the customers.
421
00:27:56,790 --> 00:27:58,621
I'll have to watch it.
422
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:02,229
I wouldn't have said I was a rude man.
423
00:28:02,790 --> 00:28:06,942
Except to Granville, and that's what
Hungarian errand boys are for.
424
00:28:07,670 --> 00:28:12,425
As for G-Gladys Emmanuel,
I'd never be rude to her.
425
00:28:13,990 --> 00:28:15,787
I'd be rude with her.
426
00:28:18,510 --> 00:28:20,421
Maybe next week.