1
00:00:23,638 --> 00:00:28,154
-Hey, j-jiggle it a bit. Jiggle it.
-I am j-jiggling it a bit!

2
00:00:30,638 --> 00:00:34,711
Well, I'm stuck here.
Back now. Forwards now. Forwards.

3
00:00:34,798 --> 00:00:36,868
I am forward! Ow!

4
00:00:36,958 --> 00:00:39,392
Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.

5
00:00:39,478 --> 00:00:41,355
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

6
00:00:42,358 --> 00:00:44,667
What's the matter with him?

7
00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:46,555
I've crushed me fer....

8
00:00:47,358 --> 00:00:49,076
He's crushed his fair.

9
00:00:49,158 --> 00:00:50,750
Oh, dear.

10
00:00:50,838 --> 00:00:52,237
Bet that's nasty.

11
00:00:53,118 --> 00:00:55,871
Hey, listen, y-y-you're a m-medical person,

12
00:00:55,958 --> 00:01:00,110
isn't there some small p-private ward
you can take me to? Like your bedroom?

13
00:01:01,038 --> 00:01:03,996
You've got a large double front
going to waste there, you know?

14
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:08,390
I know, and I'm not having you
lying all over it spoiling it.

15
00:01:11,318 --> 00:01:14,116
Mean, m-moody and medicinal.

16
00:01:14,878 --> 00:01:17,233
She's a hard nut to crack, is that one.

17
00:01:17,318 --> 00:01:20,071
I shall n-never get near her bedroom, you know.

18
00:01:20,158 --> 00:01:22,752
Not much point if you've crushed your fair.

19
00:01:45,918 --> 00:01:48,432
Okay, this is a hijack!

20
00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:51,749
Take this milk float to 21 Arnold Road, Brighton.

21
00:01:53,158 --> 00:01:55,672
-And then what?
-There you'll be held as a hostage

22
00:01:55,758 --> 00:01:58,556
in exchange for 25 British errand boys.

23
00:01:58,638 --> 00:02:01,516
What would I do with 25 British errand boys?

24
00:02:07,038 --> 00:02:11,316
Okay, I'm your prisoner. Do with me what you will.

25
00:02:12,918 --> 00:02:15,148
I haven't got time in the mornings.

26
00:02:18,878 --> 00:02:21,028
I could come back later.

27
00:02:27,398 --> 00:02:28,831
It's very striking.

28
00:02:31,678 --> 00:02:35,114
You look like a desperate cornflake fanatic.

29
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:36,870
(GIGGLING)

30
00:02:46,798 --> 00:02:50,393
You don't seem to be g-getting on very fast
with that m-milkwoman.

31
00:02:50,478 --> 00:02:52,992
That's all right. She's a bit nervous, that's all.

32
00:02:53,078 --> 00:02:54,591
She's never seen me in daylight.

33
00:02:54,678 --> 00:02:59,308
-She thinks I'm a creature of the dark.
-From 20,000 fathoms probably.

34
00:03:00,238 --> 00:03:04,311
There's still no light on yet
in a c-certain bedroom window.

35
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,028
The bedroom window
I h-happen to be engaged to.

36
00:03:08,638 --> 00:03:12,836
You'd think, wouldn't you, if only occasionally
I might get the opportunity to look at

37
00:03:12,918 --> 00:03:15,148
them c-curtains from the other side.

38
00:03:15,718 --> 00:03:18,107
Do you think I'm attractive to women?

39
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:21,508
Only if they're looking
for someone to work at 20,000 fathoms.

40
00:03:23,438 --> 00:03:25,713
Maybe if I had a golden tan.

41
00:03:26,558 --> 00:03:29,470
Not much chance of that, we never see daylight.

42
00:03:29,558 --> 00:03:31,788
That's all I need, a t-t-tanned Hungarian.

43
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,755
You'd look like a l-lump of salami.

44
00:03:34,878 --> 00:03:37,597
-Do you think I am part Hungarian?
-Yes.

45
00:03:37,678 --> 00:03:40,146
(BOTH) And we all know which part.

46
00:03:41,398 --> 00:03:44,071
A race of lovers and horsemen.

47
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:46,672
And I have to pedal me virgin shop bike.

48
00:03:46,758 --> 00:03:50,194
Have you any idea
what that does to my Magyar roots?

49
00:03:50,278 --> 00:03:52,553
Have you tried lowering the seat a bit?

50
00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:55,396
Hey up! There it is!

51
00:03:55,838 --> 00:04:01,674
Oh, s-something is stirring
in the b-boudoir of Nurse Gladys.

52
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,033
I wonder when it's gonna be me.

53
00:04:27,398 --> 00:04:29,787
That's f-fresh from the oven.

54
00:04:29,918 --> 00:04:31,237
What is it?

55
00:04:31,318 --> 00:04:34,674
I don't know, but if you've got any to spare,
I'll take the lot.

56
00:04:35,078 --> 00:04:37,797
I must say, as a g-grocer's fiancée,

57
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:40,915
you couldn't be accused of
underweight p-portions.

58
00:04:40,998 --> 00:04:45,037
Hush up, you tomfool.
Me mother's in the next room. You'll wake her up.

59
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,872
No, she'll n-not hear owt. She's as deaf as me hat.

60
00:04:49,118 --> 00:04:51,234
She picks up every vibration.

61
00:04:51,718 --> 00:04:55,427
That's all we need, my l-love life on radar.

62
00:04:55,758 --> 00:04:57,396
What do you want?

63
00:04:57,958 --> 00:05:00,267
No, forget I ever said that.

64
00:05:00,878 --> 00:05:04,996
Just what did you think you might achieve
throwing bricks at my window?

65
00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:08,627
Just think of it as customs and excise, my love.

66
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:11,552
I'm coming up later for a quick body search.

67
00:05:12,838 --> 00:05:14,715
I bet I find one and all.

68
00:05:15,478 --> 00:05:19,187
Go and have your breakfast. Customs and excise.

69
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:23,157
Shh! Don't shout it about. I'm working undercover.

70
00:05:23,238 --> 00:05:25,035
Not under my cover, you're not!

71
00:05:39,718 --> 00:05:42,869
There you are. 2 7p change.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

72
00:05:42,958 --> 00:05:45,426
-That's some till.
-Yes. I know, I know.

73
00:05:45,998 --> 00:05:48,751
You don't need a guard dog
with a till as fierce that.

74
00:05:48,838 --> 00:05:50,908
You don't have to tell me.

75
00:06:16,678 --> 00:06:17,793
Got you!

76
00:06:19,358 --> 00:06:20,837
You what?

77
00:06:21,118 --> 00:06:24,110
Your mother's found a f-fly in a Chelsea bun?

78
00:06:24,798 --> 00:06:28,393
Well, I'm s-sorry, it's not our policy
to exchange goods.

79
00:06:28,478 --> 00:06:32,630
But I tell you what, if you
bring the fly back, I-I'll give you a currant for it.

80
00:06:35,998 --> 00:06:38,353
When are you gonna get me a new till?

81
00:06:38,438 --> 00:06:42,670
I w-wouldn't part with that till
for all the tea in Ch-Ch-Ch....

82
00:06:42,758 --> 00:06:45,113
For all the.... All the tea in Cher-Ch....

83
00:06:45,198 --> 00:06:46,950
British Rail.

84
00:06:47,638 --> 00:06:49,276
It's not parting with the till,

85
00:06:49,358 --> 00:06:52,270
it's parting with parts of yourself in the till
that worries me.

86
00:06:52,358 --> 00:06:57,796
It's getting some of your parts of yourself
into your fiancée's bedroom that's occupying me.

87
00:06:57,878 --> 00:07:01,473
She guards that room.
Anyone would think I was up to no good.

88
00:07:01,558 --> 00:07:04,709
(LAUGHING) I can see
where she might get that opinion.

89
00:07:04,798 --> 00:07:07,187
All right. Never mind the Hungarian jokes.

90
00:07:07,278 --> 00:07:08,996
Just p-put the kettle on.

91
00:07:09,078 --> 00:07:12,036
It really stretches you to the limit, does this job.

92
00:07:12,118 --> 00:07:17,067
It's very difficult to become a sex symbol
when you have to keep putting the kettle on.

93
00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:20,707
I've had to suppress all my yearnings
to become a fighter pilot.

94
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,468
I've never been on water skis.

95
00:07:25,158 --> 00:07:28,514
Nouvelle cuisine is an absolute mystery to me.

96
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:35,587
And nobody has ever said to me,

97
00:07:35,678 --> 00:07:38,829
''Granville, undo my zip, will you?''

98
00:07:40,118 --> 00:07:43,030
Mind you, a girl did give me the keys
to her flat once.

99
00:07:43,118 --> 00:07:44,517
-Oh, yeah.
-Yes.

100
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:48,432
So I could in and feed her rotten budgie
while she was away having a good time.

101
00:07:49,878 --> 00:07:54,349
Other young men my age, you know,
can undo a bra with one hand.

102
00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:58,553
Me, I'd have to have an instruction book
and a set of illustrations.

103
00:08:04,398 --> 00:08:07,470
Have you g-got that tea on yet
before you s-sit down there?

104
00:08:07,558 --> 00:08:11,187
Tea? Us Hungarians, we don't drink tea.

105
00:08:11,998 --> 00:08:16,947
We drink plum brandy,
the juice of the sun-kissed grape, schnapps.

106
00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:21,351
Schnapps. The only schnapps I get
around here is from that damn till.

107
00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:24,350
When are you going to get me a new till?

108
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:28,477
I'll get you a new till
when you get me v-visiting privileges

109
00:08:28,558 --> 00:08:31,072
to that rarest of t-tourist sites,

110
00:08:31,238 --> 00:08:34,514
the mystical boudoir of Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

111
00:08:35,998 --> 00:08:37,989
Done. Shake on it.

112
00:08:38,598 --> 00:08:40,077
(GRANVILLE LAUGHING CONFIDENTLY)

113
00:08:40,158 --> 00:08:43,514
We're very good at that,
us Hungarians, you know, shaking on it.

114
00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:46,829
It's y-you, is it?
That's what's been k-killing my antirrhinums.

115
00:08:51,878 --> 00:08:54,995
Now don't forget the promise you just made.
I know you.

116
00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:57,717
No, I won't forget it, I won't forget it.

117
00:09:02,678 --> 00:09:06,227
But I'll tell you what,
we've got to get a m-modus operandi.

118
00:09:06,318 --> 00:09:08,195
Yeah. What's that?

119
00:09:08,278 --> 00:09:10,155
It's Hungarian for fiddle.

120
00:09:10,638 --> 00:09:13,675
Hey, maybe I could have been a gypsy violinist.

121
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:16,556
With them legs,
it would have to be a cello at least.

122
00:09:16,638 --> 00:09:19,675
Listen, I'm not talking about that sort of fiddle,
you b-barmpot,

123
00:09:19,758 --> 00:09:23,068
I'm talking about a trick.
A trick, a subterf.... A subterf....

124
00:09:23,158 --> 00:09:25,353
A f-fubters.... A fubtersuge....

125
00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:27,909
A su-su-suserfub.

126
00:09:27,998 --> 00:09:30,512
-A trick.
-Why didn't you say so?

127
00:09:30,598 --> 00:09:32,270
I was trying, wasn't it?

128
00:09:32,358 --> 00:09:34,235
Haven't you made that tea yet? Come on.

129
00:09:34,318 --> 00:09:36,878
You Hungarians are v-very slow
at making the damn tea.

130
00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:40,428
Tea. My samovar has not boiled yet.

131
00:09:41,678 --> 00:09:42,997
Thank you.

132
00:09:52,478 --> 00:09:53,752
Ber-burglars!

133
00:09:53,838 --> 00:09:55,430
Where?

134
00:09:55,518 --> 00:09:59,670
Granville! I didn't mean here and now,
you g-great d-dripping.

135
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:02,431
Look what you've d-done with this here b-box.

136
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:06,750
Oh, look! It's a disaster area this, G-Granville.

137
00:10:07,238 --> 00:10:11,072
You've made a right dollop of Mrs Dudley's buns.
Look at that.

138
00:10:11,718 --> 00:10:15,677
No, to be fair, Mrs Dudley's buns
were never m-much to write home about.

139
00:10:16,958 --> 00:10:21,713
You've got all the p-piccalilli mixed up
with the ch-chilli sauce, Granville.

140
00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:23,470
It's not my fault.

141
00:10:23,558 --> 00:10:26,356
How are we going to sell that?
I mean, what are we going to call it?

142
00:10:26,438 --> 00:10:29,316
We gonna call it picca-chilli or ch-chilli-lilli?

143
00:10:31,038 --> 00:10:33,506
Get your cloth, will you? Go on.

144
00:10:33,958 --> 00:10:38,110
-You are a right p-pillock, Granville.
-It's not my fault.

145
00:10:38,198 --> 00:10:43,272
What would you do if you had some lunatic grocer
leaping out at you shouting ''burglars?''

146
00:10:43,958 --> 00:10:47,667
It wasn't just burglars, mind you,
it's far more sinister than that.

147
00:10:47,758 --> 00:10:50,636
You actually shouted ''Ba-ber-burglars''!

148
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:56,948
This terrifying image of these great big fellows
running at me wearing nothing but masks.

149
00:10:57,678 --> 00:11:00,875
If that's not enough to make you drop
your piccalilli, I don't know what is.

150
00:11:02,758 --> 00:11:05,067
I meant ber-burglars is the answer.

151
00:11:05,158 --> 00:11:09,197
The only way I'm going to get into
Nurse Gladys' bedroom

152
00:11:09,278 --> 00:11:12,395
is when I am on ber-burglar patrol.

153
00:11:13,838 --> 00:11:15,635
Burglar patrol?

154
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,436
She's never gonna fall for that.

155
00:11:17,518 --> 00:11:19,156
No, no, I'm p-perfectly genuine.

156
00:11:19,238 --> 00:11:24,358
I'm going to make this a neighbourhood safe
for state registered nurses to f-flourish in.

157
00:11:24,438 --> 00:11:26,668
She'd be better off with the burglars.

158
00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:36,234
She's v-very careless
about her own p-personal safety.

159
00:11:36,318 --> 00:11:38,786
Why, in the course of her n-nursely duties

160
00:11:38,878 --> 00:11:40,630
she has to go into dark places,

161
00:11:40,718 --> 00:11:43,915
the very thought of which
makes your hair stand on end.

162
00:11:44,238 --> 00:11:46,194
On b-both ends.

163
00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:48,872
Are you listening to me, G-Granville?

164
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,075
We're going to make her s-security-conscious.

165
00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:55,356
What are we going to do?

166
00:11:55,438 --> 00:11:58,430
We're gonna make her more s-security-conscious.

167
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,110
That's a good lad.

168
00:12:00,558 --> 00:12:02,788
We're going to teach her

169
00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:06,268
to lean upon her fiancé
during the hours of d-darkness.

170
00:12:06,358 --> 00:12:07,586
Yeah.

171
00:12:07,678 --> 00:12:10,272
And we're going to get a new till.

172
00:12:10,358 --> 00:12:14,033
You drive a hard Hungarian bargain, you do.

173
00:12:14,998 --> 00:12:19,071
I wish you were m-more like your mother.
She never used to ch-charge for anything.

174
00:12:21,318 --> 00:12:24,390
-Don't start dragging my mother into this.
-Why not?

175
00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:26,992
She was always b-being dragged into things.

176
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,150
Bushes mainly.

177
00:12:30,238 --> 00:12:31,432
You....

178
00:12:44,958 --> 00:12:50,271
One multi-function, pre-programmed, electronic,
tamper-proof till with printout facility.

179
00:12:52,558 --> 00:12:54,992
Wowee-wow, wow!

180
00:12:57,798 --> 00:13:00,266
Yes, you just take this.

181
00:13:00,358 --> 00:13:02,030
-Right.
-Here you go.

182
00:13:10,078 --> 00:13:12,467
Yes. After you.

183
00:13:20,998 --> 00:13:23,068
ARKWRIGHT: How much?

184
00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:31,113
We're getting a slightly cheaper model.

185
00:13:32,318 --> 00:13:34,149
You do surprise me.

186
00:13:47,998 --> 00:13:52,788
Oh, Nurse G-Gladys Emmanuel,
you've got w-wonderful knees.

187
00:13:52,878 --> 00:13:55,551
Naturally, my thoughts are above such things.

188
00:13:56,598 --> 00:13:59,635
Keep taking two of the pink tablets
three times a day.

189
00:14:00,158 --> 00:14:03,230
-Have you locked your front door?
-I always lock my front door.

190
00:14:03,558 --> 00:14:05,674
You c-can't be too careful.

191
00:14:05,758 --> 00:14:10,274
That's one of the first things I learnt
on becoming engaged to an overactive grocer.

192
00:14:13,078 --> 00:14:15,512
I hope you've got a security chain.

193
00:14:15,598 --> 00:14:18,476
No, but I've got very strong elastic.

194
00:14:19,398 --> 00:14:22,037
-On your front door?
-On everything.

195
00:14:25,758 --> 00:14:30,786
People are much too c-casual about the risk
of burglary in this neighbourhood, Granville.

196
00:14:32,518 --> 00:14:34,986
We've got to raise their level of awareness.

197
00:14:35,478 --> 00:14:38,868
Aye, that's great. ''There he goes, that Granville,

198
00:14:38,958 --> 00:14:41,518
''he really raises your level of awareness.''

199
00:14:42,278 --> 00:14:45,668
We've got to alert people
to the p-perils of being robbed.

200
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:48,636
Listen, if people have been coming in here
on a regular basis,

201
00:14:48,718 --> 00:14:51,357
they're already alert to the perils of being robbed.

202
00:14:56,558 --> 00:14:59,436
Think of the service to the community, Granville.

203
00:14:59,518 --> 00:15:02,715
All right. How are we gonna do it?

204
00:15:02,798 --> 00:15:04,356
I'll show you how.

205
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:09,708
First of all, we've got to create
the feeling of danger.

206
00:15:13,238 --> 00:15:15,035
(SECURITY ALARM BLARING)

207
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:23,555
It's not a burglar at all.
It's Mrs Fer-fer-fa-fa-Featherstone.

208
00:15:23,638 --> 00:15:25,196
Don't worry, Mrs Featherstone,

209
00:15:25,278 --> 00:15:29,317
step inside before some swine
makes a grab for your reticule.

210
00:15:33,678 --> 00:15:35,714
Your p-purse, love.

211
00:15:39,118 --> 00:15:40,551
Oh!

212
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:42,708
That quite made my heart thump.

213
00:15:43,798 --> 00:15:45,789
Can you see me bosom pounding?

214
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:48,073
Well, I can see it half-pounding.

215
00:15:49,398 --> 00:15:53,152
Trouble is, you see, with Nurse Gladys,
I've got used to th-thinking in kilos.

216
00:15:56,118 --> 00:16:00,669
Sit down, Mrs F-Featherstone, on this reduced
camping stool and reduce it even more.

217
00:16:01,358 --> 00:16:03,952
I never knew this area was infested with burglars.

218
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:09,795
Oh, if you only knew the heart-rending tales
of unlawful entry that go on hereabouts.

219
00:16:10,318 --> 00:16:11,637
And thereabouts.

220
00:16:11,718 --> 00:16:13,595
-Is that true?
-Of course it's true.

221
00:16:13,718 --> 00:16:15,788
Would I deceive a customer?

222
00:16:16,838 --> 00:16:20,592
Lock your door, Mrs Featherstone,
and spread the word.

223
00:16:20,798 --> 00:16:22,470
Nobody's safe.

224
00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:27,387
Now then, what little items
can I interest you in this morning?

225
00:16:27,478 --> 00:16:30,993
-Where are you going, Mrs Feather...
-I'm going home to lock me door.

226
00:16:31,078 --> 00:16:33,353
...stone. Will you let me finish?

227
00:16:33,438 --> 00:16:36,396
Can't you buy a f-few items here
before you lock your door?

228
00:16:38,878 --> 00:16:40,869
There's g-gratitude for you.

229
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,994
-Yeah. There's cocoa for you.
-Oh, thanks.

230
00:16:43,078 --> 00:16:44,306
(CAR HORN HONKING)

231
00:16:44,398 --> 00:16:46,593
-What's that?
-The new till!

232
00:16:49,438 --> 00:16:51,190
The cheaper model.

233
00:16:55,558 --> 00:16:56,547
Hi.

234
00:16:58,158 --> 00:17:01,673
-Is he in a better frame of mind?
-He's promised me a new till.

235
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,906
-Is she still a beauty?
-Oh, she is.

236
00:17:04,998 --> 00:17:06,989
She's still a beauty.

237
00:17:09,438 --> 00:17:11,235
Hey! Wow!

238
00:17:11,318 --> 00:17:16,392
What you've got here, at a much reduced price,
is basically the same machine.

239
00:17:16,478 --> 00:17:18,867
-Oh, aye.
-With fewer functions, naturally.

240
00:17:18,958 --> 00:17:20,152
Naturally.

241
00:17:28,118 --> 00:17:30,268
(ALARM BLARING)

242
00:17:32,998 --> 00:17:36,911
It's all right. I'm quite a good catcher, you know.

243
00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:43,676
Here you are.

244
00:17:49,958 --> 00:17:51,596
How much?

245
00:17:56,438 --> 00:17:57,587
All right.

246
00:18:02,118 --> 00:18:04,393
Haven't you got anything on special offer?

247
00:18:04,478 --> 00:18:08,187
-This was on special offer.
-It'll have to be more special than that.

248
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:24,069
-This is not a good idea.
-Look, Granville, it's simple.

249
00:18:24,158 --> 00:18:28,470
All you've got to do is lurk around
the back of the nurse's rear premises

250
00:18:28,558 --> 00:18:30,435
looking suspicious.

251
00:18:30,598 --> 00:18:32,395
-I look stupid.
-You don't.

252
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:37,313
-You look all s-sinister and Hungarian.
-Hungarians don't look like this.

253
00:18:37,398 --> 00:18:39,389
B-Badly dressed Hungarians do.

254
00:18:40,198 --> 00:18:41,916
-I look like an idiot.
-Yes.

255
00:18:42,758 --> 00:18:46,717
Oh, look, supposing I see a girlfriend?
Look, girls are very clothes-conscious.

256
00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:49,710
It's funny, your mother never had any trouble
with clothes,

257
00:18:49,798 --> 00:18:52,551
except f-finding them again afterwards.

258
00:18:52,638 --> 00:18:54,947
My mother's clothes are beside the point.

259
00:18:55,038 --> 00:18:57,427
Oh, often. And beside the railway line and all.

260
00:18:58,958 --> 00:19:04,032
Listen, Granville, all you've got to do is rattle
a few dustbins and she'll think you're a prowler.

261
00:19:04,118 --> 00:19:06,916
Then she'll telephone for me, won't she?

262
00:19:07,998 --> 00:19:11,991
And then I'll have to go over there
and protect her, won't I?

263
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:15,749
Hello, Mrs Parsloe.

264
00:19:21,718 --> 00:19:23,549
What were that?

265
00:19:24,518 --> 00:19:26,793
The managing director of War on Want.

266
00:19:28,878 --> 00:19:31,312
A bit of a shock, isn't it,
when you're not ready for it?

267
00:19:31,398 --> 00:19:34,947
It quite unnerved me for a minute.
I'll have a large washing-up liquid.

268
00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,994
Yes, I think I'll join you.

269
00:19:37,518 --> 00:19:39,156
Oh, I see. Yes.

270
00:19:40,678 --> 00:19:43,351
Can you weigh me half an ounce of snuff?

271
00:19:43,838 --> 00:19:45,157
He likes his snuff.

272
00:19:45,238 --> 00:19:48,230
Yes. Not quite enough to have
the f-full ounce apparently.

273
00:19:48,758 --> 00:19:50,555
Half an ounce is quite enough.

274
00:19:50,638 --> 00:19:54,108
He gets it all over the damn place.
The cat gets more than he does.

275
00:19:54,878 --> 00:19:58,917
You try to watch a bit of television
and there's him and the damn cat sneezing.

276
00:19:59,478 --> 00:20:02,470
One at your face, the other round your legs.

277
00:20:03,678 --> 00:20:06,909
Yes, it's terrible having a cat
sneezing in your face, isn't it?

278
00:20:17,118 --> 00:20:19,712
No, don't sneeze all over the b-bubblegum.

279
00:20:30,878 --> 00:20:32,311
(DUSTBIN RATTLING)

280
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,830
(WINDOW OPENING)

281
00:21:46,518 --> 00:21:50,147
There we are, Mrs P.
1 7 p-pence change. Thank you.

282
00:21:50,238 --> 00:21:51,307
-1 7?
-Yes.

283
00:21:51,398 --> 00:21:54,754
-Is that all?
-Things went up recently with a b-bump.

284
00:21:54,838 --> 00:21:57,352
-When were that?
-When I spilt that snuff.

285
00:22:07,958 --> 00:22:09,949
Don't tell me it's raining.

286
00:22:14,278 --> 00:22:15,472
No.

287
00:22:15,558 --> 00:22:20,678
This time you look great, G-Granville.
I mean, I know you and you still terrify me.

288
00:22:20,758 --> 00:22:23,147
And that's only f-from the back.

289
00:22:28,438 --> 00:22:31,475
-You see?
-I'm not going out like this.

290
00:22:34,318 --> 00:22:37,867
Granville, you can't refuse
to help drive an engaged person

291
00:22:37,958 --> 00:22:40,597
into the arms of their be-betrothed.

292
00:22:40,678 --> 00:22:43,909
We doing it for her own s-security, G-Granville.

293
00:22:44,598 --> 00:22:46,668
Look at me when I'm lying to you.

294
00:22:46,758 --> 00:22:48,555
''There he goes,'' they'll say.

295
00:22:48,638 --> 00:22:52,631
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) ''There he is, that Granville,
he's wearing ladies' tights now.''

296
00:22:53,838 --> 00:22:56,591
That's a hell of a reputation to live down, isn't it?

297
00:22:56,678 --> 00:22:59,636
Only one glimpse from that face at the window,

298
00:22:59,718 --> 00:23:03,108
and she'll want me over there, won't she,
in me best sympathetic mood.

299
00:23:03,198 --> 00:23:06,315
And me b-best suit, and me b-best underwear
with a monogram on the....

300
00:23:06,398 --> 00:23:08,070
Never mind where I've got me monogram.

301
00:23:08,158 --> 00:23:09,432
(BELL TINKLING)

302
00:23:09,518 --> 00:23:11,474
Get that, will you, G-Granville?

303
00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:15,350
Oh, it's Mrs Turnbull.

304
00:23:15,438 --> 00:23:18,669
I get all the rotten jobs
and now I've got to serve Mrs Turnbull.

305
00:23:20,518 --> 00:23:22,110
(MRS TURNBULL SCREAMING)

306
00:23:23,518 --> 00:23:26,191
He's never gone out with that on, has he?

307
00:24:11,198 --> 00:24:13,917
Go away, Granville, I'm busy.

308
00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:29,756
I'm sure it's just a f-figment of your imagination,
Mrs Turnbull.

309
00:24:29,838 --> 00:24:31,988
Oh, it seemed very real.

310
00:24:32,078 --> 00:24:36,356
Hallucinations do,
due to a lowering of the b-blood sugar.

311
00:24:36,478 --> 00:24:38,946
Caused by persistent underspending, is that.

312
00:24:40,038 --> 00:24:43,872
What you need is a little lash-out
on a few luxury items now and again.

313
00:24:43,958 --> 00:24:47,030
-It works w-wonders.
-Do you think so?

314
00:24:47,198 --> 00:24:50,588
Oh, I know so. I've seen it time and time again.

315
00:24:50,678 --> 00:24:53,829
You see, after all these years,
I'm not just a grocer anymore,

316
00:24:53,918 --> 00:24:56,716
I'm more a kindly old sort of medicine man, really.

317
00:24:56,798 --> 00:25:01,030
People don't think of this as a shop,
more a sort of an insulting room.

318
00:25:01,118 --> 00:25:02,995
C-Consulting room.

319
00:25:03,638 --> 00:25:06,198
It's no use, I'm not frightening anybody.

320
00:25:12,438 --> 00:25:14,474
Was it something I said, Mrs Turnbull?

321
00:25:14,558 --> 00:25:17,834
Granville, t-take those knickers off at once.

322
00:25:18,358 --> 00:25:20,918
Look what you've done to these chocolates now.

323
00:25:20,998 --> 00:25:26,356
Oh, it's my fault?
Why is it always my fault? Everything's my fault.

324
00:25:26,998 --> 00:25:30,991
I just do all the dirty jobs around here. Honestly.

325
00:25:31,078 --> 00:25:35,913
In the circumstances,
it's very difficult for me to become a superstud.

326
00:25:36,278 --> 00:25:39,827
You've made a right Sylvester Stallone
of these chocolates.

327
00:25:40,718 --> 00:25:44,267
It's very embarrassing for me, you know,
with all these divorces about

328
00:25:44,358 --> 00:25:48,590
to have spent the best years of my life
not even being a co-respondent.

329
00:25:48,878 --> 00:25:52,075
Will you stop your moaning
and get your money in the till?

330
00:25:52,878 --> 00:25:55,153
-The till? What for?
-Them tights.

331
00:26:04,838 --> 00:26:08,751
-She'll kill you.
-What? A lover bearing g-gifts?

332
00:26:08,838 --> 00:26:11,875
No way, she'll be over the moon

333
00:26:11,958 --> 00:26:14,597
th-that here I am, lecherous but game.

334
00:26:15,078 --> 00:26:19,549
Prepared to risk life and limb
up this stairway to paradise.

335
00:26:19,998 --> 00:26:23,115
She'll open her heart to me, Granville,
and I tell you,

336
00:26:23,198 --> 00:26:24,836
when she leans on that window ledge,

337
00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:27,591
it's like the well-stocked shelf of a supermarket.

338
00:26:28,598 --> 00:26:31,476
You could never class them two
as loss leaders, could you?

339
00:26:32,078 --> 00:26:35,753
-And all because the lady loves....
-Broken chocolates.

340
00:26:38,718 --> 00:26:43,234
-It's the thought that c-counts, Granville.
-Not around here, it's you that counts.

341
00:26:43,838 --> 00:26:48,275
''It's c-c-c-compound interest at 1 2 and a half

342
00:26:48,358 --> 00:26:49,916
''pe-per-pa-pa-pa....''

343
00:26:49,998 --> 00:26:54,037
All right.
Never mind the imper-personations, Janet Brown.

344
00:26:54,118 --> 00:26:55,949
Come on, let's get on with it.

345
00:26:56,078 --> 00:26:58,353
I bet you fall off. You're gonna fall off.

346
00:26:58,438 --> 00:27:01,714
-Not on your nelly.
-Not on any part of me, I hope.

347
00:27:01,798 --> 00:27:05,871
I'm going to introduce
the Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 .

348
00:27:06,838 --> 00:27:08,954
Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 ? What's that?

349
00:27:09,038 --> 00:27:12,030
I put me t-trouser belt round the ladder, you see.

350
00:27:12,758 --> 00:27:15,875
It's as safe as houses.
Come on, let's get on with it.

351
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:58,428
You great dumb lummox! Get off me windowsill.

352
00:27:58,798 --> 00:28:02,234
-What are people going to think?
-Milk Tray, my love.

353
00:28:03,518 --> 00:28:05,190
And tin tray to you.

354
00:28:13,838 --> 00:28:16,398
Oh, Granville! Fetch the....

355
00:28:17,238 --> 00:28:20,150
It's a wicked thing, is gravity in the wrong place.

356
00:28:26,118 --> 00:28:28,074
<i>Oh, dear.</i>

357
00:28:28,158 --> 00:28:30,831
<i>It's good to get back to terra f-firma.</i>

358
00:28:31,678 --> 00:28:33,828
<i>I thought me end was nigh.</i>

359
00:28:33,918 --> 00:28:35,715
<i>My best end and all.</i>

360
00:28:37,598 --> 00:28:39,429
<i>It's funny how helpless you feel</i>

361
00:28:39,518 --> 00:28:43,227
<i>dangling inches beneath the area's finest bosom.</i>

362
00:28:44,438 --> 00:28:47,589
<i>And not a thing you can get a safe hold on.</i>

363
00:28:49,518 --> 00:28:51,270
<i>And believe me, I did try.</i>

364
00:28:52,558 --> 00:28:56,915
<i>Even in the depths of a very real predicament,</i>
<i>I did try.</i>