1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,720 Ben! Karen! For the last time, they are not light-sabres, they are toilet brushes! 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,240 Put them back! 3 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,240 - DOOR CLOSES It's us. - God Almighty. 4 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,360 They've 500 Christmas presents and they're... 5 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,880 Jake, are you all right? You look a bit... 6 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:20,720 - Yeah, I think you should sit down. He's gone into shock. - Why, what happened? 7 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,000 Are the sales always like that? 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,080 - Oh, yeah. - It's just like rugby but played by old ladies. 9 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,800 Oh, did you get that CD player? 10 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,560 Mum had the last one in her hand then some old bitch snatched it. 11 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,520 - Jake! - Sorry, my fault... I shouldn't have called her that. 12 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:36,560 Er, Sue? 13 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,680 - What? - It's 11 in the morning. 14 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,680 Oh, yeah... Ah, but it's Christmas, it's all right. 15 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,160 Mummy, I've made my New Year's resolutions. 16 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:49,880 - Oh, good. - "I will not poke my fingers in the butter." 17 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,040 - I didn't know you did that...but good. - "I will not chew my duvet." 18 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,840 - Excellent. - "I will not call people idiots." 19 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,160 - Very good. - "Mummy will stop nagging me." 20 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,640 Yeah that's... No, hang on, you can't make resolutions for other people. 21 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:03,480 "Mummy will stop giving me cabbage." 22 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,600 No, no, you make resolutions for yourself. 23 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,640 Dad? You know our burglars? 24 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,320 Well, I don't really think of them as "our" burglars... 25 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,440 - I'm surprised that they didn't take my lucky pig skull. - Hm. - Who wouldn't want that? 26 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,720 Yeah, I mean exactly, what were they thinking? 27 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:23,480 - Maybe they've already got one. - I think it'd be worth £30,000 on eBay. 28 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:26,520 Most cars don't even cost that, do they? 29 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:30,720 Well, I only got £50 for our car on eBay. 30 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:34,000 Yeah, well we said we wouldn't talk about that, didn't we? 31 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,840 That man was very annoyed. 32 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:40,320 Karen, I will make New Year's resolutions but I will choose my own. 33 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:44,080 But your resolutions are rubbish. They're always stuff like, 34 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,120 "I will eat less biscuits so I get more thinner." 35 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:53,040 or "I will learn Italian." But what we really need is for you to stop nagging. 36 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,080 - Don't be so rude! - See? Like then, you're nagging. 37 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,520 I do not nag. I... 38 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,640 You may learn Italian, but then you could just nag in Italian. 39 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:06,600 Can you stop banging on about me learning Italian? Anyway, how many resolutions have you got there? 40 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,320 - Er, 48. - And how many are for you? 41 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,440 Some. 42 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:15,800 Three. 43 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,080 Idiots. 44 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,880 Ben can't understand why the burglars didn't take his piece of chewing gum 45 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,200 that was spat out by Cesc Fabregas. 46 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:29,040 I'm quite surprised they didn't take Jake's iPod, because it was just sitting here on the counter. 47 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,000 I think the mess may have worked in our favour there. 48 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,360 It's a bit odd that they took the CD player but no CDs. 49 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,440 Anyone who likes Phil Collins is going to be way too old and feeble to get over our gate. 50 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,960 There's Oasis... 51 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:44,240 - and Coldplay. That came out last year. - You've no idea, do you? 52 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:49,000 - Well, anyway they could have taken the CDs and sold them. - Yeah, like anyone BUYS CDs nowadays. 53 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,520 Well, some people do. Some people acquire their music legally. 54 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,040 Here we go. 55 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,840 That downloading you do, that is basically theft. 56 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,840 - Everyone else does it. - Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK. 57 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:05,000 - I knew you were going to say that. - All right. Look, I've downloaded the claim form online. 58 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,840 Amazingly, I found some receipts... 59 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,320 and our total loss is... 60 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:15,560 - £302.59 - Right...what's the excess? 61 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,080 It's going to be three hundred pounds, isn't it? 62 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,360 Er...yep. 63 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,560 Thank you, Father Christmas. 64 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,640 I can't get it out from behind the radiator. 65 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:29,880 Yeah, yeah... It's that yellow dinosaur Auntie Jean gave him. 66 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,680 - It's really stuck. - I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment. 67 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,360 I think it's his arm that's stuck. 68 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,200 I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment. 69 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,840 - Ow... Can't get it out! Somebody, please! Ow. - All right, all right... 70 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,360 You shouldn't be trying to rescue Ben's stupid dinosaur, 71 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,960 you should be trying to rescue Rusty. 72 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,080 He's not a toy, he's a living hamster. 73 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,000 Well, let's hope so... 74 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,840 Ben, look, if you got it in, you must be able to get it out. 75 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,720 - Just ease...ease it out. - I was supposed to be looking after him. - There! 76 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,160 He's the class hamster and I had a duty of care. 77 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,640 Yeah, well he's stuck under the floor. I'm not ripping up the floorboards. 78 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,360 I bet you'd rip the floorboards up if Ben was stuck under there. 79 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,320 Well... 80 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,840 - we did. - But what if a puppy was trapped? 81 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,840 Well, then I might rip the floor up, yeah, but I'm not going to... 82 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:25,360 - Well, how about a porpoise? - It's very unlikely... - Yeah... but what if a porpoise was stuck? 83 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:32,120 OK, Karen. I promise that, if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, I will rescue it. 84 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,200 - I'm going to write that down. - Car keys...car keys. 85 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:39,320 - No, this is my tent. - I'd better be headed off to get Dad soon. 86 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,560 You've not forgotten Jane's coming at 1pm, have you? 87 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,080 I wish you'd mentioned it to me before you invited her for lunch, that's all. 88 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:50,000 Well, Little Alexa's spending Christmas with her dad, and so Jane's on her own... 89 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,760 and I don't think she's got any friends. 90 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,640 Yeah, well there's a reason for that. 91 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,360 - Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be good, it'll be like the Christmases - I - remember. 92 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,880 It'll be open house, people dropping in, lots of noise... 93 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,440 - Yeah, the noise of Jane moaning. - Pete. 94 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,680 Well, I'm sorry, but you know she'll come round here and she will 95 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,640 bang on about her terrible life and her horrible ex-husband and... 96 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,760 What is it with you and Christmas? She's my friend. I want to... 97 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:18,600 Yeah, well it's bad enough having to see our families without seeing friends, as well. 98 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640 Ben's not allowed in, he's not a proper asylum seeker. 99 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,800 And also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers. 100 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,640 Ben, put some pants on! 101 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,240 What is it with adults and pants? 102 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,000 - So, how many Christmas presents broken now? - Er... 103 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:38,200 six, by noon on Boxing Day. I think we've beaten last year's record. 104 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:43,520 So we're going to put in a claim for £2.59. 105 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,760 - Well, its not worth putting in, obviously... - No... 106 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,760 Unless... 107 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,280 Unless? 108 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,320 Well, unless... 109 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:56,560 - Oh...unless... - I mean there were loads of other items, y'know, in the past... 110 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,320 that we never claimed for. 111 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,320 There was that video camera that got reversed over. 112 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,440 And that ring of mine that got swallowed. 113 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,000 - Yeah, and we could have put in a claim for those and we didn't. - I mean... 114 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,600 ..if we were to... 115 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,120 add on...the occasional item... 116 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:23,360 - that would be OK, wouldn't it? - Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be fine. - Two questions. 117 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,000 One - 118 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,960 if you didn't go to the toilet for years would you explode? 119 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,680 - Yes. - And two - why do they call it Boxing Day? 120 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,960 - Because you end up knee-deep in boxes. - Have you put your underpants on? 121 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,680 Couldn't find any. Maybe the robbers stole them. 122 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,240 Ben, the robbers did not steal your underpants. 123 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,240 Not even drug-addled morons would steal your underpants. 124 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,240 - The robbers could have had a baby. - Ben... 125 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,840 - And they need to give something to their baby. - They had your name in them. 126 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,800 They could name their baby after me, so it'd have the right name. 127 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:56,200 - So they named their baby after the name in your pants? - Yeah! 128 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,520 - TOY BUZZES - Just leave that... 129 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,840 leave the electrics alone, we don't want to go to casualty on Boxing Day. 130 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:07,200 - They could be strange creatures from another planet... - Not the Aliens again. 131 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,760 - And they think clothes are food, so they... - They're going to eat your pants? 132 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:15,600 - Or maybe... - Go and put some pants on! 133 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,720 Right, best get moving. 134 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,840 Don't want Dad to get agitated or anxious. Oh, God. 135 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,760 - What? - Oh, I keep thinking about that documentary. - Sue. 136 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,800 The old people's home, where everyone's mistreated and... 137 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,480 that statistic of how many old people die in the first year of being put into... 138 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,040 Listen... 139 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,760 you did the right thing by your dad. 140 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,760 You checked that place out really thoroughly, didn't you? 141 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,720 He hasn't said anything, has he? 142 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,480 No, he's OK... 143 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,800 He did have that run-in with the Russian carer. 144 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,880 She over-reacted. 145 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:52,680 Your dad's generation just aren't... 146 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,800 politically correct, are they? 147 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,880 And he's right, she does look a bit like Stalin... 148 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,680 - The moustache doesn't help. 149 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,600 SMASH Mum! I think the robbers might have broken your bedside lamp! 150 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,840 Oh, for... Oh, just leave it! 151 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:15,080 What have you put about the back gate being open? That would make the claim invalid, wouldn't it? 152 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,200 It wasn't me. 153 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,440 Well, I've put that they forced it open... 154 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,960 which they sort of did... 155 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960 except by using the handle and turning... 156 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:31,280 But it is quite stiff, so they might well have had to do that... 157 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:35,080 - forcibly. - Yeah, but as long as everyone knows that it wasn't me. 158 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,120 Yes, yes, yes, we know... 159 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:46,920 Actually darling, if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked... 160 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,280 - (it wasn't). - But it was. 161 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,440 Well, yes... 162 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,000 but don't say it was unlocked. 163 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,960 - But it was. - Just say it wasn't... - So you want me to lie. 164 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,480 So you're always saying "Oh, don't lie" but now you're saying "do lie". 165 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,280 Now you're saying, "Karen, lie". 166 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,480 Well, how about... you just don't say anything? 167 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,560 - But what if he asks me? - He won't. - But what if he does? 168 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,200 Then just say, "I don't know". 169 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,320 But I do know. You told me it was unlocked. 170 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,920 We could have made a mistake. 171 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:26,720 Or you could have lied. Because you're lying to the insurance man now, so you could be always lying. 172 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,920 - Well...er... - So I'll just say that Mummy and Daddy 173 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:36,080 said that the gate was locked but they are big, fat liars. 174 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,120 Well, that was Christmassy. 175 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,560 Will they come back? Will the burglars come back? 176 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,360 What, the burglars could come back? 177 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:51,160 Er, no, Karen, 'course not, no-one's saying that. The burglars aren't coming... 178 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:56,160 But they could hit us with their iron bars when... when...when we're asleep. 179 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,800 No-one's going to hit you with anything. 180 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,920 Anyway, robbers just want to take your stuff, not hurt you. 181 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,000 - What about the Vikings? - Vikings? - Yeah, the Vikings. 182 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,880 They would rob you AND hurt you. 183 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,760 Actually, historians now think that the Vikings weren't nearly as violent... 184 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,000 - Can we not worry about the history here... - And what about the thuggies? 185 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:17,720 - They'd rob you and steal your kids for slaves... - Ben! - ..and then they'd burn your house down. 186 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,560 - They could just... - Ben! - ..pin you a table... - Ben. - ..and go, 187 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,960 "du-du-du-du-du" all over you until you're little pieces of meat, 188 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,480 then bury you under their palace. 189 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,720 - There aren't people like that round now. - But what about the things that ARE now, like... 190 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:34,760 - Ben. - ..you know, that group of Mexican women who'd invite you round to their house for smoothies... 191 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,120 - That was in Mexico. - ..they'd drug you. - Ben! - And they hurt somebody cos 192 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,520 - there were those two wrestling dwarfs who came round... - Wrestling dwarfs. 193 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,880 - ..one of the women's houses. She gave them her smoothies... - Ben! 194 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,600 ..and they drunk them cos they were so small, 195 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,440 - and they had a dwarfing illness and... - And none of this family... 196 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,680 - ..it affected their system and they just died. - ..are dwarf wrestlers. 197 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:56,280 - Can you stop him? - Where are you learning this stuff? - I think it was in RE. 198 00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:01,680 Listen, Karen, you don't have to worry about robbers coming back. 199 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:05,440 And in the unlikely event that they did, they'd only come when people were out. 200 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:10,680 You said they were stupid and take drugs and if they were stupid and take drugs, 201 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:16,320 they wouldn't be able to know if the light was on in our house or if the light was on in their head. 202 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,920 Eh, eh, eh, come on. 203 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,320 Listen, you, come here... 204 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:25,040 You have got absolutely nothing to worry about, OK? 205 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,640 OK. 206 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:31,600 Yeah, I promise you, as your dad, that those robbers are never, 207 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,960 ever coming back. 208 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,080 - OK. - OK? Off you go. 209 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:44,840 Bet you they do come back, now. 210 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,600 - Pete! - Bob and Jean got turned over four times on the trot... - Shh! - ..and they've got an Alsatian. 211 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,560 No, you can't, Ben, because A, 212 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:56,480 that experiment is WAY too complicated for your new chemistry set, 213 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,240 and B, that's probably how swine flu started. 214 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,800 Ooh. There's water coming out of it now. 215 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,920 Oh, God, well I definitely can't turn the valve off that way... 216 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,280 - I've dropped the barbecue tongs. - Oh, for... 217 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:12,800 - Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much like a dinosaur any more... - Karen, shut up. 218 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,720 It looks more like a, er... 219 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,120 a jellyfish that's been in a fire. 220 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:22,000 If you don't shut up, I'm going to throw this radiator on top of you, so just shush your head up... 221 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,480 - Ok, everyone keep calm. - Dad, turn the thing off. 222 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:31,240 Ben...banging your head against the wall is not keeping calm. 223 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,640 Mum, everyone downloads for free. 224 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,440 If you want me to be the only kid in the world who pays for his music 225 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,880 - then maybe I should get more pocket money. - Come off it, Jake. 226 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,240 - Listen, titch. Look... - Hey, you're only a few millimetres taller than me. 227 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:49,400 - Yeah, but from here on in you're just going to keep getting shorter. - Oi! 228 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:55,720 Look, I'm just saying, Daddy, you shouldn't have really got any presents, 229 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,320 because you don't believe in God and Jesus and all that stuff. 230 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:03,480 - But it's OK for you to get loads, is it? - Well, obviously, cos I'm a Christian. 231 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,680 Well, you are at Christmas. 232 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,440 - What? - Nothing. Look, I can see it, I can see it, so... 233 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:14,040 Ben, you get ready to flick. And, Karen, when I say "grab"... 234 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,120 grab, OK? 235 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:19,120 - So...flick and grab! - Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've got it! 236 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,640 - That's the barbecue tongs out.. - What about my dinosaur? 237 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:26,840 - Well, I'll have another try later. I've got the lunch to... - But it's my favourite dinosaur. It'll melt... 238 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,640 - OK, OK. Look, calm down. - Come back. It's my favourite toy. 239 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:33,280 - Listen both of you, why don't you just go and relax in front of the telly? - Oh, OK. 240 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,240 Whoo-hoo! Yeah! 241 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,040 Karen? I said you could both go and watch the telly. 242 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,960 I think my arm's stuck. 243 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,400 - 'Course it is. - Ow. 244 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:52,480 And, when Dad buys his Oasis CDs, he's just sort of giving money to the Gallaghers, isn't he? 245 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,720 And Noel has said in the past that he used to spend all his money on drugs and stuff, 246 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,480 so you're basically just giving money to drug barons who will likely spend it on guns 247 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,800 and then go and kill bloody peasants. I mean how moral is that, Mum? 248 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,040 Well, that's all very ingenious, Jake, but the fact remains 249 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,640 that illegal downloading is just theft. 250 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,320 Like fiddling the insurance company? 251 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,520 What are you watching? 252 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,000 Well, it was some really cool pictures of an earthquake 253 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,400 but now it's just some stupid men in suits coming on and saying sorry. 254 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,480 Yeah, this is rubbish. 255 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,400 Ah, it's a review of the year. 256 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,960 2009, the year of the apology. 257 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,480 Who are those three? 258 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,240 They're bankers. They're apologising to the country. 259 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,000 - What for? - Well, they lost a lot of our money... 260 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:44,960 so then we had to give them even more of our money to replace our money that they'd lost. 261 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,200 But they're idiots. They should be fired. 262 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,040 Well, he is...and was. That's Sir Fred Goodwin. 263 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,040 He was fired? 264 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,800 Then what happened to him? 265 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,240 We... 266 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,440 gave him more of our money. 267 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:03,160 - Oh, there's Gordon Brown. - Boo, get him off. - Is he saying sorry? 268 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,400 No, that'd take too long. 269 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,080 In terms of the morality of it... 270 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:12,280 Look, this isn't about morality, it's about insurance. They're two entirely different concepts. 271 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,200 - So, you're saying it's OK to fiddle the insurance company? - Yes. 272 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,440 It's really no different from my downloads, is it? 273 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,840 - Well, yes, it is, actually. - Basically, what you're doing is just theft. 274 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,960 Well, everyone else does it. 275 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:29,080 Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it OK. 276 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,200 Da-ad? 277 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,440 Dad? 278 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,920 Dad? 279 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,040 Who are those funny little men? 280 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,960 One looks like Yoda and the other looks like He Pingping. 281 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,560 Funny little men? Those are the Ghurkhas, they're very fierce soldiers. 282 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,400 And who's that...the big one... 283 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:56,720 the big one with the blonde hair and the teeth? Is she a Ghurkha as well? 284 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,920 - Joanna Lume-ley, that's what it says, anyway. - Lumley. 285 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,960 No, Lume-ley. 286 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,400 - Lumley. - But it says there, "Joanna Lume-ley". 287 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,120 I'm sure there's no need to worry. Often, they just fall asleep and... 288 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:15,280 - Dad? - Are you sure he's not in one of the communal... - Very sure... - Look, let's not get worried. 289 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:21,120 No. I AM worried. And, as someone in charge of an old folk's home who has just lost an old...folk... 290 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,080 I think YOU should be worried. 291 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,760 Well, it's possible he's... 292 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,720 popped out. 293 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,480 Popped out? 294 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:30,560 No, "Lume-ley". 295 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,920 - Lumley. - "Lume-ley". 296 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,160 I'll have to talk to your teachers. 297 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,360 Oh, High Noon. You'll love this, it's brilliant. 298 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,880 No, it's not. You made us watch it last Christmas, it's rubbish. 299 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,600 That Sheriff only has to kill three men. 300 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,720 - What kind of a film is that? - Well, it's a good film. 301 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,000 A hero should have to kill more than three people. 302 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:57,720 Just imagine how short The Matrix II would be if Keanu Reeves only had to kill three people, instead of 167, 303 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:01,520 not counting that man who flies off the back of the lorry - he might have survived. 304 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,880 - Yes, but this... - DOORBELL RINGS 305 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:03,920 I'll get it. 306 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,080 Oh, who's that going to be? 307 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,520 - Maybe it's Jane. - What, an hour early? 308 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,920 I haven't seen any comets or... 309 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,800 horses eating their young, so there is no way it's going to be.... 310 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,320 Hiya! 311 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,240 Oh...my...God. 312 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,960 This is from this morning... 313 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:26,320 Nothing there... 314 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,920 nothing there. 315 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,160 I knew a home was a mistake. 316 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,200 - It's fine. - Ah! Found him. 317 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,000 That's good. He's with Mack. 318 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,680 I wonder where they've got to this time. 319 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,280 This time? 320 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:45,320 - They've probably toddled off to the pub. - How do they get past the keypads on the doors? 321 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,480 Oh, I wish I knew. 322 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,360 So you're saying that there's a particular pub they go to? 323 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,880 They're probably not up to finding a particular pub... 324 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,600 but if they wander long enough they come across one in the end. 325 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,640 PHONE RINGS 326 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,760 Hello? 327 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,800 Oh, hello, hi... 328 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,400 So I just thought it'd just be silly to go home, come back out again. 329 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,640 I hope being early's not a problem. 330 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,200 Good grief, no, no, it's, er, 331 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:13,920 it's a nice surprise. 332 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:21,840 So your Christmas present to us is a goat? 333 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,400 Yeah! 334 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:30,840 The desert is encroaching on Sub-Saharan villages and, for them, a goat makes a huge difference. 335 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:34,200 So it's a present to the Sub-Saharans? 336 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:39,000 Well, no, it's yours, but it's them who get to use it... 337 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,480 - and you can enjoy that. - But that's not... 338 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:42,600 I think it's a terrific gift. 339 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:48,400 - Look, Jane, why don't you take the kids and go play some games in the living room? - Oh, God, no, Pete. 340 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,640 I'll keep you company. You don't want to be left on your own. 341 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,360 Right... 342 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,720 CRUNCH 343 00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:01,280 - Seven. - I was so upset when I heard about your burglary. 344 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:02,920 It's horrible, isn't it? 345 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:06,640 You think they're going to come back and murder you in your bed. 346 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,560 Yeah, but that won't happen, will it? 347 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,000 Well, if they've got keys you could walk through the door 348 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,800 and find some knife-wielding psychopath waiting to stab you. 349 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,840 Yeah, but they haven't got our keys. 350 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,440 They didn't take our keys, so we've nothing to worry about. 351 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,480 Have we? 352 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,760 Oh... No. Sorry... 353 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:34,080 - you've got nothing to worry about, that's for sure. - That's right. 354 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,880 But it is such a violation. You just want to go out and kill the people who did it. 355 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,120 - Are you allowed to do that? - No. 356 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,400 Oh, my God! 357 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,640 - Ben! I've told you. - Sorry... 358 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,000 Go easy with the dismembered hand! 359 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:52,840 Ahhh! The hand of doom is ripping my face off! 360 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,400 - So it's definitely MY goat? - Yeah... 361 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,680 - Actually, Karen, if you don't mind? - All right, then. 362 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,400 I'd like to see my goat. 363 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,880 I'm just going to... 364 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:10,080 Could I go to Sub-Sahara or something? 365 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,600 - Well, I don't think... - Or can it come to me for the weekend? 366 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,360 Well...I think the cost of transporting a goat on a plane...for the weekend... 367 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:24,880 So it's going to grow up, have baby goats, grow old and then die without me even ever seeing it? 368 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,400 We can talk about it later. 369 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,240 It's a very ugly goat, as well. 370 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,640 No, you can't shoot burglars. So only the police can shoot burglars? 371 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,760 - No, they can't. - So when they catch a burglar they can only whack him with a big stick? 372 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,840 No, Ben...the police can't whack burglars with a big stick. 373 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:47,600 I think Winnie is the wrong name for a goat. Because goats don't whinny, horses whinny. 374 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:52,720 - Goats go "baaaa", like sheep, but a bit different. - Let's, er... 375 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:58,160 - Is this actually a photograph of MY goat, or is it just a goat? - Er... I don't know. 376 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:03,360 - So, maybe I won't even ever get to see a PHOTO of my goat... - Shall we go downstairs? 377 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,560 So, it's not actually a present to me, it's a present to some Sub-Saharans. 378 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,960 All right! All right, it's a Christmas present to some Sub-Saharans! 379 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,520 Right then, I'm fine with that. 380 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,160 I've got loads of Christmas presents anyway. 381 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,600 - Can soldiers shoot people? - Yep. 382 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,560 So, I'm going to be a soldier...and shoot burglars. 383 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,520 No, no, no. If you're a soldier you still can't shoot burglars. 384 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:32,720 - So how can you stop burglars if can't shoot them? - Well, you... - You could get an aye-aye. 385 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,880 - A what? - You know, Brazilian little bush baby things. 386 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,360 The aye-ayes are really, really cool creatures 387 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,400 and there's a myth that says that when you look an aye-aye in the eye... 388 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,840 - you die. - Look, I've got to concentrate on this. 389 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:50,640 So you could have an aye-aye hiding and then when they open the door, the Aye Aye would just go... 390 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,440 - I'll put it to the Neighbourhood Watch. - Can you set wild dogs on burglars? 391 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,320 - No. - Electrocuted door knobs to make their... 392 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,960 - No! - Dig traps in the garden? - No, Ben. 393 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,760 You cannot dig tr... 394 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:04,360 You've dug another trap in the garden, haven't you? 395 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,600 Dad! 396 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,720 Hey! Hello, love. 397 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,560 - What a coincidence! - No, Dad. 398 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:14,320 It's not a coincidence, we've been searching high and low for you. 399 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,280 - We've even had the police out looking for you. - Have you? 400 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:21,520 - Yes. You're meant to be coming to ours for lunch. - Am I? 401 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,160 Yes, Granddad. It's Boxing Day. 402 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:29,080 Oh...well, I find it a bit tricky keeping track of the days, so to be honest I don't really bother. 403 00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:33,160 Oh, where are my manners? Er, this is Mack. 404 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,840 - Mack this is my daughter, Sue and my grandson Ben. - Jake. - Jake. 405 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,920 Whare ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie? 406 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,320 Been in the hoose tae champ the tatties. 407 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,720 Robbie Burns. He can't remember bugger all, but he can remember all that. 408 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,640 Old clothes looked as good as new. 409 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,360 I don't understand everything he says. 410 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:56,680 Right, well, look, we'll drop Mack back at the home and then we'll take you onto ours, OK? 411 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,680 Did you understand what I said, Dad? 412 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:05,360 - Yeah, you're dropping Mack back at Colditz. - So we'll... why do you call it Colditz? - Eh? 413 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,640 You called it Colditz. 414 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,320 - Why did you call it Colditz? - What? 415 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,920 - Come on, Mum, let's go. - But he called it Colditz. 416 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,920 - Aye, we escaped from Colditz. - See? 417 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,080 They keep calling it Colditz! 418 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:19,320 I know, Mum, but we've got to get Mack back at the home, and we're late already. Let's just go. 419 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,600 You're right. OK, come on, you two. 420 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,120 ..and then when married men find out you're a single mum, 421 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,040 they just hit on you... all the time. 422 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,640 Do they? Mmm... 423 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,680 Is there anything I can do to help, Pete? 424 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,520 - No, you're fine. - Just tell me if there is. 425 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:34,560 No, you're fine. 426 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:35,600 KAREN SCREAMS 427 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,600 It's lovely being surrounded by kids at Christmas. 428 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,680 - Yes...lovely. - Of course, my little Alexa's with her father. 429 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,200 His lawyer threatened me. 430 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,760 What kind of a dad does that? 431 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,440 - I tell you Pete, he is such a... - Kids! 432 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:49,640 Who wants to watch a DVD? 433 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,040 You and Jane can watch a nice DVD while we're waiting for the others to arrive. 434 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,400 Yeah, let's watch a DVD! 435 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,120 - Yay! - Right, let's see what we've got here. 436 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:02,800 Gladiator...Groundhog Day... 437 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,480 A slice of ham... 438 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:11,720 - Christmas Carol, how about that? - I love that. - Oh, no, not Christmas Carol. 439 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,280 - I can't watch that. - Well, why not? 440 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:18,120 - It's because of Bob Scratchit. He's an idiot. - Why? 441 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:22,560 Well, Scrooge is horrible to him for thousands and thousands of years 442 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:28,840 and now he just, now he buys them one goose 443 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,640 and suddenly it's, "Oh, do come in, Mr Scrooge. 444 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,840 - "Thank you, Mr Scrooge". - The Cratchits can see Scrooge has changed. 445 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:40,680 One day of niceness doesn't make up for thousands of days of horribleness. 446 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,960 - No, but... - If Hitler said "Oh, sorry I bombed loads of people, 447 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,480 "but I promise that I'll be good for the rest of my life", 448 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:52,480 and then he bought everybody a goose, would we let him off? 449 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,320 Well, I think if Hitler had... 450 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,800 Doesn't have to be Christmas Carol. 451 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,480 OK, Dad. I'll just get Mack back inside and explain to the staff that 452 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,800 you're coming home to lunch with us, OK? 453 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,960 Oh! Mack's coming to lunch with us. 454 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,520 That's lovely, cheers, Sue. 455 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,680 No...no, Dad. Mack is having his lunch here. 456 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,160 So, you hop out of the car, Mack, and I'll... 457 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,280 No, Dad, you don't need to get out because you're coming to ours. 458 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,000 - Right. - So you stay in the car... 459 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,840 - and Mack, you hop out and I'll take you back inside. - Where are you taking Mack? 460 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:29,080 - Inside. I just said that. - Yeah, I'm sorry but you were muttering. 461 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:30,120 Come on, Mack. 462 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:37,240 - Oh, for God's sake, Dad! - No, Granddad. Get in the car, you're staying with me. 463 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,760 Come on, Mack. 464 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,000 We can watch the football tonight, Granddad. Fulham and Chelsea. 465 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,240 I grew up watching Chelsea. 466 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,840 I used to stand under... 467 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,720 Under the big Bovril sign. Yeah, I know. 468 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:52,560 They had some great players in those days... 469 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:57,880 Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie Kray... 470 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,600 No, that's not right. Reggie... 471 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:06,040 I bet lunches are lively here, are they? 472 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,040 Too lively, too much yakking. 473 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,320 I always have my lunch with Frank. 474 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,480 In his room. 475 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,040 Always. Together. Always. 476 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,240 Well...I'm afraid we've borrowed him today. Still, he'll be back... 477 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,480 Come on then, Mack. In we go... 478 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,280 For God's sake! 479 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,040 Sorry. He's faster than he looks. 480 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,480 Are you OK, Pete? Is there anything else I can do to help? 481 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:34,240 No, no you're fine. Everything's under control. 482 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,520 Why don't you go back in and watch some more DVDs? 483 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:42,240 Oh, no. The kids got bored and now they're watching the Christmas edition of World's Weirdest Bodies. 484 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,360 Oh, God. 485 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:45,960 Well, Sue'll be back soon. 486 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,800 MOBILE BEEPS Oh. 487 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,480 I know who that's from. 488 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,360 - Alexa? - No, her dad. 489 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:56,800 He likes to send me these nasty little messages. 490 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,720 Take a look. Go on. 491 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,800 No... I don't mind. 492 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,320 Really. 493 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,400 Oh...that IS nasty. 494 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,040 That is, that is really nasty... 495 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:14,440 He sent me three on Christmas Day. 496 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,240 All gloating that he had Alexa. 497 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:24,120 I wasn't...always like this, y'know. 498 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:28,040 I used to be a moderately together...sort of person. 499 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,720 Well, compared to this. 500 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:35,600 You're looking at what happens when all the confidence gets kicked out of a person. 501 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,080 Sorry...I'll leave you to it, I'll go through... 502 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:44,880 No, no, stay. Let's chat. Do you want a...? 503 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,720 Dad, come quick! There's a woman with a head like a pumpkin! 504 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:53,080 - There's not much Christmas spirit in that, is there? - Oh, my God, she's horrible! 505 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:54,680 That's horrendous! 506 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:59,920 Now, come on, come on. It is rather unkind watching this kind of... 507 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:00,960 My God, look at that. 508 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,840 - Look at her face! - I bet she's popular on Halloween... - No, come on. 509 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,520 What...what's wrong with you? 510 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:12,440 - That was really interesting! You can't just turn it off! - Look, look. 511 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:16,480 - The baby Jesus... - Turn it back on! - ..was not born in a...stable... 512 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,640 - It's so unfair! - ..so we could sit around watching pumpkin-headed women. 513 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:27,960 - Or dwarves with massive breasts...in the wrong places. - Come on, let's do something festive. I know, games! 514 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:32,560 - Is his name Peter? - No. - Then what is his name? 515 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:33,720 Ahh...clever. 516 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,440 - Have I ever murdered anybody? - Yep. 517 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,760 - Really? - Yeah. 518 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,520 Am I known for...sort of...er... 519 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:43,400 for being sort of troubled? 520 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,720 Is he...er, a historical figure? 521 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:48,920 Hopefully, soon. 522 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,000 Does my name begin with an "S"? 523 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,760 Are you looking through the paper? 524 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,320 - Do I have some sort of eating disorder? - Osama Bin Laden! - Yeah. 525 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:02,040 - Well done. - Finally, somebody cool. - Someone cool? How can you think... 526 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,920 One, he has a gun. 527 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:09,000 - Two, he likes to blow things up, three, he's got a really cool beard. - Since when was that cool? 528 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:13,120 Four, he's had a hiding place for ages and five, he sings Numa Numa really well on YouTube. 529 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:17,200 But he's not cool though, is he? He's a terrorist. He blew up the twin towers. 530 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,080 Hi, it's us. 531 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:23,520 They are here. Ok, everyone, lunch in minus five. Hi Frank, Happy Christmas. 532 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,400 - And Happy Christmas. - Happy Boxing Day, Granddad! 533 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:31,320 - Granddad, do you want to play "Who Am I"? - Er... 534 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,920 I think that's probably not a very Granddad-friendly game, Ben. 535 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,880 - Look, why don't you sit down, Frank? - Right. 536 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,000 - Do you remember Jane, Granddad? - No. - Oh... 537 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:46,760 - Granddad, I did this picture for you. - Oh, yes? - This is you. 538 00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,200 That's your unicorn... 539 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:54,200 and you're fighting Osama Bin Laden, Voldemort, 540 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,520 and that's the creepy woman that sits next to Simon Cowell and I can't remember her name. 541 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,040 How is everything? Jane, did you get here all right? 542 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,200 Yes, actually I was an hour early. 543 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:05,840 (Sorry.) 544 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:11,440 No, it's been fine. You're right, it's nice to do something for people who are on their own at Christmas. 545 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:14,720 Uh-huh? Yeah, er, this is Mack. 546 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:18,360 - Hiya. - He's going to be joining us for lunch. 547 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,720 HE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY 548 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:28,320 - Is he Albanian? - Ah...No, no darling. He's from Scotland. 549 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:31,520 - Right, who's for a drink? - Wee Johnnie Walker'd be nice. 550 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:34,680 - I'll get that. - Here, Mack, look, 551 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:39,160 - Karen's done me this lovely drawing. - That horse has got a javelin coming out its heid. 552 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:40,640 No, it's a unicorn! 553 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,720 Look, that's a horse right? And that's its heid. 554 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,080 This is a unicorn... what do you mean "heid"? 555 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,000 - Heid, heid...heid. - This is "head". 556 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,400 - Aye, heid, heid. - What language are you speaking? 557 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:55,520 - I'm speaking English, hen. - I'm sorry! What could I do? The poor man has no-one. 558 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:59,640 I couldn't leave him there on his own. They call it Colditz! 559 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,520 - What do you mean, a wee bit? - A wee bit, a totty bit. 560 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,440 - Do you mean a "tiny" bit? - Aye, a tiny bit. 561 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:08,200 - Why d'you say "wee", then? - "Wee" is the same thing as "totty". 562 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:13,640 A totty wee bit is even wee-er than a wee bit. You're getting to totty, totty, totty, totty... 563 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:17,560 - till you disappear, until you're naen. - Ni-in? 564 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,360 Naen! So, do you want me to talk like you then? 565 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:23,400 Well, no. I'm not saying I want you to, but why don't you? 566 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,880 But why should I? I talk like this all the time. 567 00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:30,800 - So, Mack...do you like football? - Aye, I used to play inside right for St Mirren. 568 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,160 - Who's St Mirren? - A football team. 569 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:38,280 - What's an inside right? - At Chelsea, I used to stand under the great big Bovril sign. 570 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:42,760 - Inside right what? - Inside right is just inside the outside right, just ahead of the right half. 571 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,360 Is this football we're talking about? 572 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,720 They had some great players in those days... 573 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:53,360 Roy Bentley, Frankie Blunstone, Reggie...Reggie er...Dixon. No, he played the organ. 574 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:56,600 So, what's for first course, chef? 575 00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,720 Well, my speciality... hamster soup. 576 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,760 - What! - It's a joke, Karen. - Well, there are some things you don't joke about. 577 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:08,200 We're not going to declare a national day of mourning for one lost hamster. 578 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:09,800 Perhaps it'll find its way back. 579 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,000 I doubt it. I mean they're not a very bright animal. 580 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:16,480 Yeah, well, hamsters can store food in its cheeks and I bet you can't do that. 581 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:20,880 - Depends which cheeks. - Peter! - Maybe the burglar took the hamster for lunch. 582 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:24,120 - You can't say that! You let him out... - That's enough hamster-based... 583 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:27,360 - What's this about a burglary? - Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad. 584 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:29,520 Just a minor break in. Nothing much was taken. 585 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:33,600 Yeah, just over £300 worth... and going up all the time. 586 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,760 Pete, he keeps banging on about the insurance thing. 587 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,680 We're going to have to do something. 588 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,880 You could do with stronger locks on these doors. 589 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,760 Bolts top and bottom, a mortice deadlock...that's what you need. 590 00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:50,000 - Something that'll give ye a wee bit of resistance. - You seem very knowledgeable, Mack. 591 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,440 Aye, well, for ten years I was a security consultant. 592 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:55,200 - Oh, yeah? - And for 20 years before that I was a burglar. 593 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:56,880 This looks tasty. 594 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,720 - Did he just say he was a burglar? - Yep. 595 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:07,600 - OK, everyone. This looks lovely... - Well done, chef. 596 00:33:07,600 --> 00:33:09,880 - Yeah, let's tuck in. - Starving! - Excuse me. 597 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,360 Are we not gonnae say grace? 598 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:20,360 - Well, we...we...we don't usually... - We're not really religious, y'see. 599 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,640 We don't... It's not something... 600 00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:26,520 I just thought we've all got our health and all this lovely food, 601 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:30,800 when there's loads of people out there with nothing. 602 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,320 Yes, I suppose you're right. 603 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:42,040 Some hae meat and cannae eat and some hae naen that want it. 604 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:47,320 But we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thank it. 605 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,880 - Very nice. - Amen. - Yes, very nice. 606 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,640 KAREN: I didn't understand a word of that. 607 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,440 - Roaring? - King Kong! 608 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,760 Frankenstein. It's got four syllables, he's really fat. 609 00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:00,360 - I don't know, I give up. - It's impossible. 610 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,480 - Shrek! - I thought you said it was four syllables. - Yes... 611 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,160 Sh-R-E-K. Shrek. 612 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:09,600 - Oh, God! - No...shhh... no, shhhr... 613 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,960 - Drown! Swim! Drowning bunny! - Stag? 614 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:15,360 - Zombie! - Drowning deer! Drowning stag! 615 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,120 Drowning, drowning fish. 616 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,080 - Pigeon...drowning. - Finding Nemo! 617 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:25,320 - We give up. What is it? Just tell us. - It's An Inconvenient Truth! 618 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:29,120 The icebergs are melting and a polar bear is drowning. 619 00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,200 OK. Third word. TV. OK. 620 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:33,480 - Dinosaur! - Dead? 621 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:37,360 Hit the dead! Kill the dead! 622 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:41,280 Slap, slap the dead! Strangle...swat the dead! 623 00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:42,960 Shoot the dead! 624 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,960 - Smack the dead! - Annoy the dead! 625 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,320 - Shake the dead! - Waking The Dead! 626 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,840 Finally! 627 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,240 OK, my turn. 628 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,400 You ready? It's a book. 629 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:59,840 - Old man with a stick shouting. - Angry blind man. 630 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,920 You're right, this is definitely what Christmas is about, isn't it? 631 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:08,240 Throwing your home open to family and friends and...ex-burglars. 632 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:11,680 A lion...with an animal... old man and his dog? 633 00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:13,280 And it's definitely a book? 634 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,120 What book do you think Ben is doing? 635 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,360 Elephant? Ellie the elephant? 636 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:23,320 I've got this terrible feeling he's doing the Bible...all of the Bible. 637 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:27,400 - Rabbit! Kangaroo! - I think that's Noah and the Ark... - Oh, God. 638 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,920 - Hunchback! - You see? There are the crabs going in two by two. 639 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,040 - Top up? - Musician? - Flute? 640 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,800 - Trumpet! - Miles Davis! 641 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,080 Ahh, he's got to Joshua and the Battle of Jericho. 642 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:41,360 I'm not looking forward to Sodom and Gomorrah. 643 00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:45,080 - Angry. - Angry old man... Alan Sugar! 644 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:53,240 There you go. Returned safe and sound and looking forward to his lunch. One lost dad. 645 00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:55,440 Erm...that's not my dad. 646 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:59,720 - What? - We found my dad. I did ring the station, did no-one tell you? 647 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:02,760 I asked you, specifically, if you were Frank.... 648 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:06,160 father of Sue Brockman and you said, "yes, I am". 649 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,840 Yep, I'm Frank. 650 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,160 But you told me... Oh, for... 651 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:14,120 I'm telling you, sometimes there is a case for police brutality. 652 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:15,160 I'm starving. 653 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,880 Well, I suppose I could take him along to "Crisis at Christmas", 654 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,400 but I was there earlier and they were really struggling. 655 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:26,560 Though what would be handy is if someone were to just take him in and give him some lunch... 656 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,480 as a gesture of seasonal good will? 657 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:32,520 - Well... - Sorry, we're a bit good-willed out. 658 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,560 We've already got a full house, I'm afraid. 659 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:39,360 Oh...right. OK. Come on, you. 660 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:41,160 Try the Harrisons at number 27. 661 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:44,040 They're Christians. 662 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,800 - Peter! - Well, that'll teach them to keep shoving leaflets through our letterbox. 663 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,120 Just off to the bog. 664 00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:53,560 - Ooh, Dad. Y'know, the home...where you're living? - What, Colditz? 665 00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,800 Yeah, why do you keep calling it Colditz? 666 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,400 Is there something wrong with it, is it horrible? 667 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:03,480 - No...I like it. - So why do you keep calling it Colditz? 668 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:05,360 Well...for a laugh. 669 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,760 - For a laugh? - Yeah, it's a joke. 670 00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:11,920 Colditz. You need to relax and see the funny side of things, Sue. 671 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:15,640 It's always been your problem. Reggie Matthews! That was him! 672 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:20,800 Yeah, goalie, Chelsea and England! Yeah, Reg Matthews. 673 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:22,440 Zombie! Leper! 674 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:27,240 Baddie with arms in-front of him. 675 00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:29,960 - Leper...er...Mummy... Err... - Ah. He's got as far as Lazarus. 676 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,080 - Mummy, Mummy 2. - What is it? 677 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,000 - Jake, could we have a little word about something? - Oh, for... 678 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,080 Look, it was Ben who downloaded it. 679 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:41,360 No, no it's not about... whatever that turns out to be. 680 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,720 It's about our insurance claim for the robbery. 681 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:48,880 - Oh. - And we know that you think that we're guilty of double standards. 682 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:55,000 - And we have taken that on board. - And so we've decided we're not going to make a false claim. 683 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,360 OK. Cheers, guys. 684 00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:07,600 - Do you think he bought that? - Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink? - Mm. 685 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,080 Everyone ready? 686 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:16,120 # Take my sister to the picture show 687 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:21,960 # Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down. 688 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:27,000 # Bang, bang, bang! With Frankie's gun, he shot me down! 689 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,760 # He shot me down! He shot me down... 690 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,000 # Sha la la 691 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,520 # Sha la la la 692 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:41,560 # Sha la la 693 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,440 # Sha la la la 694 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,120 # Sha la la 695 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:53,920 # Sha la la 696 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:55,040 # Sha la la 697 00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:58,560 # Sha la la 698 00:38:58,560 --> 00:38:59,960 # Sha la la 699 00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:01,520 # Sha la la 700 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:08,320 # He shot me down, He shot me down, he shot me down 701 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:13,520 # Sha la la, sha la la, sha la la 702 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:18,480 KAREN: Now can we sing along to Sex On Fire?