1 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:08,440 - 29! - Ben, stop playing spot the chav and sit down. 2 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:09,520 I'm not telling you again. 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,640 So, the flag wasn't flying over Buckingham Palace 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,920 so the Queen's not there. 5 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:22,920 - That's right. - So, the Queen's out wearing hats and shaking hands with people. - The Queen's boring. 6 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,480 The olden day kings and queens were much better. 7 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:31,240 I mean, like, Mary burned and killed 500 people which was why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary, 8 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:38,080 but she should have been nicknamed something a bit like...Ashy Mary or Flamey Mary or Bloody Flamey Mary. 9 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,040 - Ben, don't... - Number 30! - Ben, can you stop embarrassing me? 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:46,080 - Sit down! - Thank you for giving me such wonderful grandchildren. 11 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:50,560 - Well... - I'm so proud Karen is top in her class. 12 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:54,000 I don't think the school do class positions actually, Sandra. 13 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,560 - But she had that badge - First In Class. - Yeah, she made that. 14 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:03,320 We had to get her to take it off because it was causing a bit of friction with the other kids. 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,960 And teachers. And the parents. 16 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:10,400 - Everyone, actually. - 32. - And Ben's so bright, as well. 17 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,360 And I love his attitude, he just throws himself into everything. 18 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,960 - Including septic tanks. - Sorry? 19 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,600 Oh, it's a long story. 20 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,600 He did it for a bet. Won a conker. 21 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:28,320 The French had some great kings, like the one who thought he was made of glass. 22 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,520 Which one was that? 23 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,320 King Charles The Mad. Why can't we have somebody like that, dad? 24 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:38,640 - Well, we might have soon. - And there was also King George III. He was cool. He talked to trees. 25 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:43,200 - Why can't we have any like that? - We definitely have one of those. - Argh! - What's your problem, Jake? 26 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,360 It's flipping run out of battery, the stupid phone. 27 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:50,520 Oh, yeah, it's so stupid it forgot to plug itself in and recharge itself. Why do you need a phone? 28 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,320 So I can talk to people who aren't sarcastic. 29 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,720 What's this trip got to do with World War II? 30 00:01:55,720 --> 00:02:02,080 This day out is supposed to be researching my World War II project. 31 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:07,560 - Not entirely. We're having a nice... - How am I going to win if we don't go out anywhere World War II-ish? 32 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,640 This is so nice, chatting with you like this. 33 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:16,600 - You're more like a sister than a daughter-in-law. You're my best mate. - Thanks. 34 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,680 Listen, Sue, 35 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,640 I'd like you to have this. 36 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,840 I had some National Savings Certificates and stuff, so... 37 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:29,200 £3,000! No, Sandra... 38 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:33,880 - You can use it to help get Ben and Karen into a good state secondary. - What, do you mean for tuition? 39 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:40,040 - No, no. You know, as a donation. - A bribe? 40 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,960 Well, isn't that how things work? 41 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:46,080 No! No, you have to pretend to be religious or lie about where you live. 42 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,160 Oh. And which are you going to do? 43 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,920 Neither. 44 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,200 Well, we did think about the religion, but it... 45 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,520 Well, Peter was wrong, the rain's held off. 46 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,720 I said, "Brenda, you should be as lucky as me. 47 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:04,160 "I've got the best daughter-in-law in the world. Oh, look at that..." 48 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,240 - And what can the Queen do? Can she tell her army to attack people? - No. 49 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,840 Could she burn Protestants? 50 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:13,840 - No. She is a Protestant. - Can she say who's on the Royal Variety Show? 51 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,440 - No. - Well, then that's unfair! 52 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,920 - What's the point of being Queen if you can't boss anybody about? - Well... 53 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:24,760 - What would happen if the Queen and the Prime Minister had a fight? - Well, constitutionally the Prime... 54 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:28,560 No, no, no. If there was an actual fight between the Queen and the Prime Minister. 55 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:35,840 I mean, she may be old, but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye. 56 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:40,880 - Well, I don't think Gordon Brown's... - In some pictures it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes. 57 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,400 Do they paint the other one on? 58 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:47,880 I think if she's Queen she should be able to chop people's heads off. 59 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,480 The Queen can just kill people! 60 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,320 - She killed Diana. - No she didn't! - Well, her husband did. 61 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,720 He didn't. You've been watching Channel Five again, haven't you? 62 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:56,760 HORN BEEPS 63 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,720 Oh, for... It's easing off, let's get off here. 64 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:04,640 - This isn't Trafalgar Square. - No, but it's close enough, it can't be far. - Karen, don't run off. 65 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,920 What if a Prime Minister of another... 66 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,480 Your phone's dead, just enjoy what we're doing. 67 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,960 - Look, London is this amazing place where all these amazing events have happened. - HAVE happened. 68 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,880 Not happening now, are they? 69 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,920 History, the study of stuff that's not happening any more, and you spend your life teaching it. 70 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:27,040 Listen, Sandra, it's such a lot of money I'm going to have to discuss it with Pete. 71 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:33,680 Are you absolutely sure that Ian's OK with you giving it to us? 72 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,520 Oh, you have talked to Ian about it, haven't you? 73 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,440 No, we haven't talked about it. 74 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,920 We never really talk about anything, to tell you the truth. To be honest, the marriage is dead. 75 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,560 I suppose I should divorce him really, but I can't face the paperwork. 76 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,840 - 47! - Ben! 77 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,600 Your granny is treating us to this day out so don't spoil it for everyone. 78 00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:01,040 Pete, I specifically asked you not to leave me alone with your mother. 79 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,960 Well, you... 80 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,320 You're such a good listener. 81 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,600 Yeah, well, you need to talk to her because she wants to give us a cheque. 82 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,520 Hang on, we've lost Ben already. 83 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,680 Karen! 84 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,720 Die! 85 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,920 - Die, Aslan, die! - Oh, God! 86 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,880 Here we go. 87 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,960 Argh, the lion is eating me! Help! 88 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:27,440 Can you tell me, please, what any of this has to do 89 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,440 with World War II and my project? 90 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,920 Yeah, I said it would take in elements of World War... 91 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,680 We haven't been taking in any elements of World War II. 92 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:38,560 Well, Trafalgar Square was very important and World War II, Karen. 93 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:42,120 When the war was over a lot of people came here to celebrate 94 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,320 and they had a big party and everyone got drunk. 95 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:51,160 - And those ones over there still haven't gone home! - Sorry? - Those drunks over there. 96 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:55,680 It was a... I was just... Never mind. 97 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,920 Hey, is your sleeve wet? 98 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:03,480 - Have you been taking money out of the fountain? - Yes. Do you want me to get you some? 99 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,640 - No, I don't! - Well, people threw it in there... 100 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:09,760 You can't take money that people have put in the fountain because it's not your money. 101 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:13,360 - That's the point. - I know, but it's not theirs any more. Now it's the fountain's. 102 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,600 - The fountain can't do anything if I take it. - No, people put money... 103 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,920 They're idiots. You're allowed to take money from idiots. 104 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:24,840 - But they put money in the fountain because they were making a wish. - A wish? - Yeah, a wish. 105 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:29,120 But why would you throw money in some water to make a wish? 106 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,280 - Well, I don't know, it's just... - Look, mummy, I used to believe 107 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:39,200 in all wishes and all this nonsense, but then my wish about Ben and the hyenas didn't come true. 108 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,120 Hyenas? 109 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,560 You cannot take that dead pigeon home with you! 110 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,520 But it'll be a cool experiment. 111 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,920 I'll see which bits decompose first. 112 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:53,160 Yes, you've already done that experiment with the dead crow that your mum found in your sock drawer. 113 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:58,800 - The feathers lasted longer than the feet. - And indeed longer than the drawer, which we had to burn. 114 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:06,040 Well, if people keep putting money in then it could build up, then all the water could flow out 115 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,480 - and then it could go down into the Underground. - Well, that's not going to... 116 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,680 Then the trains won't be able to go because they would just slide off... 117 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,320 - Karen... - And that would be the end of all London. 118 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,600 And I'm preventing all that from happening. 119 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:22,880 Karen, Ben? Come on, group shot. Come on, guys. 120 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,000 Look, a mime. 121 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,320 Where's my shotgun? 122 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,760 Right, line up. 123 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,160 Still, mum looks like she's having a good time, though. 124 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,560 She's just told me her marriage is dead. 125 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,360 Dead? 126 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,800 Yeah, she said that she and your dad don't talk any more and that the marriage is dead. 127 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,760 - Oh, right. - That's awful, isn't it? 128 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,600 Well, I knew that her and dad haven't connected for a while... 129 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,200 She must be feeling miserable. 130 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,120 You need to talk to her. 131 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,920 Me? 132 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,760 No. No, I don't think I should. I mean, I... 133 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,760 I can't talk to her about personal things. 134 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,640 She's my mum. 135 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,480 So, when I say "now", could you raise your hat, please? 136 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,000 No, I haven't said "now", I haven't said "now". Wait, wait. 137 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,520 You're going to have to have a conversation with her anyway. 138 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:18,040 - Why? - She wants to give us a cheque for £3,000. - £3,000! 139 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,200 Dad, dad! I'm right, aren't I, dad? 140 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:23,960 There are four lions around Nelson's Column because Nelson had 141 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,720 four lions on his ship and that's why he won the war of Trafalgar. 142 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:31,480 No, I think Nelson's chances of winning the Battle of Trafalgar 143 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:35,440 would have been significantly reduced had there been lions charging around 144 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:36,920 the deck of HMS Victory. 145 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,480 No, because instead of having cannonballs in the canons you could have big circus cannons. 146 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:46,120 - Circus cannons. - You could put lions in them and then you could fire them on to the other ship. - So if... 147 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,560 And the lions would eat everybody and rip through the floorboards 148 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,360 - they'd rip the captain to shreds and end up steering the boat themselves. - The lions would drive the ship? 149 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,560 Then you'd have to buy another four lions from Africa and these were the surviving ones. 150 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:02,080 The bronze ones? Don't you think the lions would have been more cross 151 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,360 - with the people who fired them out of a canon? - No, because they wouldn't be able to reach them. 152 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:10,320 - Oh, because they'd be on the other ship. - So, did Nelson have four lions or what? 153 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,920 No. The lions represent England. 154 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,440 - But lions aren't English animals! - How many times have you seen a big... - A lion! 155 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,480 ..lion sitting in a Yorkshire field? 156 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:28,360 Nelson should have four English animals like a frog or a badger or a... 157 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,160 - a cow. - They're not very heroic though, are they? 158 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,960 Or you could have, like, a big lion and then it's eating a half a cow. 159 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,960 - Why? - Because, like, the lions are cool, but then it has to be English. 160 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,000 - Yeah, but... - You've got to make it realistic. - Right. 161 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:46,680 Wait, maybe you can have a chick being eaten by a Tasmanian devil. 162 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:50,160 - So, a chicken is trying to escape from a Tasmanian devil... - Yeah. 163 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:53,400 To signify the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar? 164 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:57,960 There could be one Tasmanian devil wearing a little admiral hat just to show it was Nelson. 165 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:03,200 So you've got a statue of a Tasmanian devil in an admiral's hat eating a chicken. 166 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,720 Well, that's the problem of the fourth plinth solved. 167 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,640 OK, better shift, the mime's turning nasty. 168 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,760 You've got to pay me! 169 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:15,040 Have you tried talking to Ian about... 170 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:20,280 Oh, no. The talking stopped some time around 1993 I'm afraid, 171 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,680 and once the talking stops everything goes quiet in the bedroom department. 172 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,040 Not that Ian was ever James Bond between the sheets, but... 173 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:33,520 You have to talk to Pete about it. You know, sharing can help sometimes. 174 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,560 No, sharing just makes more people miserable. 175 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,960 And down there, behind the security gate and the barriers, 176 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:44,880 that's where our Prime Minister... cowers in Number 10. 177 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:49,320 If number one's a wee and number two's a pooh I would hate to be anywhere near a number 10! 178 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,920 - Or maybe it's five number twos! - Urgh! 179 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:57,360 - It brings a whole new meaning to the Prime Minister's in Number 10! - It's just brilliant. 180 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:01,720 We're sat laughing about poohs and wees on our way to somewhere where nothing's happening. 181 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,160 - Look, just change the record. - Dad, no-one has records any more, you stupid idiot. 182 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,480 Don't call me an idiot, Jake. 183 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,800 I hate days out. 184 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,600 The museums do your feet in and the kids do your head in. 185 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,920 Kneel before me, puny mortals! 186 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,440 Ben, shh! Come down. 187 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,160 The page you want is always missing. 188 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:26,400 We're now in a gallery, she's turning this into a bloody route march! 189 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,960 So that was modern art. 190 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,680 - Yes, darling. - It was rubbish. 191 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:35,480 - Well... - There was bits of carpet stuck to the walls. 192 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,640 - There was just some painting. - Well, that's quite interesting. 193 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,520 A globe in a fridge? 194 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:44,280 - Something like that means look at what we're doing... - It's a globe in a fridge! 195 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:48,440 I know, but it's quite a clear representation of global warming. 196 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:54,040 But they've got a light on in that globe which is actually making it worse, isn't it? 197 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,200 Only in the globe because the fridge isn't on. 198 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,960 - It doesn't even look good. - Well, I agree with you, Karen, it's not proper art. 199 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:05,160 - Not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery. - Well, the National Gallery was rubbish, too. 200 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,200 Well, what about the lovely van Goghs? 201 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,960 It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it. 202 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:16,920 And the stars were all wiggly and sprouty, it was like he was crazy or something. 203 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:22,320 - And it had nothing to do with World War II. - She wasn't impressed with any of it. 204 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,640 Turner, too blurry. 205 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,360 Monet, too spotty. 206 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,200 Rubens, too many fat girls. 207 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,000 Rembrandt, not enough cats. 208 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,840 This print is ridiculously small. 209 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,680 So what are we supposed to spend this 3,000 on? 210 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:44,120 - I don't know, originally it was a donation to get Karen and Ben into a good school. - A bribe? 211 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,280 Well, Jennifer's mum made a large donation to the new church hall. 212 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,000 - But she didn't get Jennifer into the church school, did she? - No, she did! 213 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:55,640 That's why there was the big fight between her and the real Christian mums at pickup time. 214 00:12:55,640 --> 00:13:01,240 God, that was embarrassing, Ben and his mates standing in a big circle chanting "bitch fight!". 215 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:06,360 - So, it was to help with the kids' education. - I don't know, but you have to ask her. 216 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,200 Ben, off! 217 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:13,640 - Oh, hello. Is it working again? - No. - Then why are you texting? 218 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,080 - You're hitting keys like you're texting. - I'm sending the text I'd be sending 219 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,720 if my dad hadn't brought me somewhere I can't charge my phone. 220 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,680 Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to mobile phones? 221 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,960 Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to being a prat? 222 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,840 - Hey, cut it out. - Get off my case, then! - You shouldn't say prat, Jake. 223 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,080 - I am not on your case. - It's a bad word, like tosser. 224 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,720 - Yeah, all right, Karen. - Yeah, you are on my case. - Or pellock. 225 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,120 - Yeah. - Or twannie. - Look, OK, Karen. - Or pizzock! 226 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,800 OK, Karen, that is not that helpful. Look, Jake, if you're... 227 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,320 - Look, it's not my fault you're in a bad mood, OK? - I'm not in a bad mood. 228 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,480 Yes, you are, you're always in a crappy mood when gran's around! 229 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,640 That's the House of Commons, where the Government makes the law. 230 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:04,040 - So... - And which was bombed in World War II, Karen. 231 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,480 How do they decide which laws to make? 232 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,160 Well, they read the Daily Mail and do what it says. 233 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:14,400 How do they decide who's Prime Minister? 234 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,720 There's an election and everyone votes to decide. 235 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:22,040 So, is there, like, lots of people and then they say, "The lines are now open", 236 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:26,720 and then they would say, "Oh, I've had a terrible life and my family has died." 237 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:32,040 - It doesn't work entirely like that. - Then you vote off all the annoying ones until there's just one left 238 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:39,920 and then they go, "Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, I'm so happy I'm Prime Minister now", and start crying? 239 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,120 I think you're confusing democracy and The X Factor. 240 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:49,520 Ben, stay with us! Don't go wandering off with any large groups. 241 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:53,240 You don't even know what a Tamil is let alone what they're demonstrating against. 242 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,880 They gave me a tangerine. They were nicer than the Hare Krishnas. 243 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:01,760 Well, I don't want to see you disappearing round corners, shouting "death" to someone. 244 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,880 It's unfair that we don't get to vote. 245 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:08,120 You've got to have people over 18 voting because they know about the world in a way you don't. 246 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:14,560 Younger people would know who... Who are good and older people think, oh, oh, ah, I'm not quite sure. 247 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:19,040 Like granddad would think that the ugly people are good singers... 248 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,080 But you're talking about X Factor again. 249 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,640 Old people's brains are all shrivelled and not so good, 250 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:30,560 but the younger people have more big juicy intelligent brains that know lots. 251 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,040 - It's unfair that... - If you're so clever, who would you vote as Prime Minister? 252 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,200 Simon Cowell. 253 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,600 Young, juicy brains. 254 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,320 Hey, Ben, there's a couple! 255 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,600 Hey, I told you to stop that chav-spotting game. 256 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:47,440 - We're not, now we're spotting lesbians. - What? You can't do that! 257 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,920 - There's nothing wrong with it. Now you're being a lesbianist. - I am not lesbian... Lesbianist. 258 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,560 Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced against fat people, thin people... 259 00:15:55,560 --> 00:16:02,360 - I'm not! - Men who've turned into women, women who have turned into men, gay people, ginger people... 260 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:09,000 - Karen... - People from Liverpool. - I'm not. I'm just saying don't shout ("lesbian!") at them in the street. 261 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,000 Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian and she's really nice. 262 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,360 No! Karen, no, 263 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,960 she's Lebanese. 264 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,120 - She's from the Lebanon. - Well, still, if she was... 265 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:23,120 God, Jake is really taking lumps out of me today. 266 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,160 Don't let it get to you. 267 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,200 It's part of growing up, challenging his dad. 268 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:35,320 It's like Big Cat Diary when the young male takes on the patriarch and kicks him out of the pride. 269 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,120 Not that you're going to get... 270 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,240 I need a wee. Anybody else? 271 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,480 Me. Bagsy I go first. 272 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,520 You really don't need any money, today's my treat. 273 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,680 - OK, in you go. - Well, that's very kind, 274 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,760 - but I'm all out of cash, so... - Well, that's fine because you don't need any. 275 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,200 Ben, not so close. Ben! 276 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,440 - Why? - People at cashpoints don't want others knowing their PIN numbers. 277 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,120 - But I can still see it from back here. - Ben... 278 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,920 - But I'm not a robber, so it's OK. - All right. 279 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:09,640 - I'm not going to tell anyone that number is 4567. - Ben! 280 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,640 Sorry. 281 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:15,960 He has exceptional eyesight. 282 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,400 Peter, all day long is my treat. 283 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:22,240 - Well, tomorrow follows today. - Well, what's it matter if I know her number? 284 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,600 - Because only the person with the card is allowed to know it. - But I know your number is 3937. 285 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,760 Oh, for God's sake, Ben, this is ridiculous! 286 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,440 Dad, calm down, you're embarrassing us. 287 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:38,480 I'm embarrassing you! Do you know, I am sick and tired of being embarrassed in public by you lot. 288 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,680 Karen, I said wait! 289 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:45,920 Do you mind? 290 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,880 Let's just go to HMS Belfast, shall we? 291 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:54,840 There, I've brought up Google Earth on my mobile and I can use GPS to plot our route. 292 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:59,960 Or we could just use our eyes and look for a bloody great ship in the middle of the river. 293 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,120 BEN IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED 294 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,400 Dad, I'm going to blow up that big building over there. 295 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:11,120 Well, lots of bankers work there, so no-one will mind. Hang on, are you allowed up there? 296 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,040 Er... 297 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,200 - No, don't think I am. - Well, get down, then. Come on. 298 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:21,240 What does HMS Belfast have to do with World War II? 299 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:27,600 Well, it's a large fighting ship of World War II which has been turned into museum about World War II. 300 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,640 So it's ALL about World War II? 301 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,400 - Well, virtually all, yeah. - Well, which bits aren't? 302 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,760 There's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship after the end of the war. 303 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,200 - I don't want to see that. - OK, fine. 304 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,000 Because I want to win the prize on best project on World War II. 305 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,560 - Well, what is the prize? - It's a trip on HMS Belfast. 306 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:52,040 - But we're on... - Mum, I need a wee! 307 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,720 Now! 308 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:57,840 Ben, come down off that mast! 309 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,440 This is a disabled toilet. It's illegal to go in a disabled toilet. 310 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,720 No, it's not illegal. 311 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:09,160 The rules say that you can't use the disabled loos unless you're desperate 312 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,400 because desperation is a temporary form of disability, so in you come. 313 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,360 Oh, OK. 314 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:19,640 If you want to find out about what happened in world wars, just ask the people who were there. 315 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,080 Well, we tried that with granddad in the Korean War. 316 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:27,480 Karen's class probably won't want to hear about the fight in the brothel in Seoul. 317 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,080 Who did we fight in the Korean War? 318 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,560 Get down! We were fighting the North Koreans and the Chinese, 319 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,200 though granddad spent most of his time fighting Americans. 320 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,680 - And the bloody Navy. - Yes, and the bloody Navy. 321 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,880 And that big prossie who spat in his rum. 322 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,960 I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him. 323 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,320 Don't touch that! 324 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,840 Where's gran? 325 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,920 Is she avoiding us? 326 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,120 KNOCK ON DOOR 327 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,560 Someone's waiting, mummy. 328 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,800 Karen, do not open the door! KNOCK ON DOOR 329 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,200 Rahh! 330 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:01,200 - Young man! - Yeah? - Can I show you something? 331 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,640 Do that hard. 332 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,960 That hurts, doesn't it? 333 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,080 - No. - Well, it would do if you banged your head. 334 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,600 - No, I tried it with my head earlier. That didn't hurt either. - Right. 335 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,840 Well, just be careful, we don't want anyone getting hurt, do we? 336 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,880 It's a warship. 337 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,400 It sank the Scharnhorst. 338 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,760 Well, all I'm saying is that getting hurt isn't cool. 339 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,240 You don't have kids, do you? 340 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:30,760 KNOCK ON DOOR 341 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,480 Yeah, all right! Can't you see it's engaged? 342 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,600 KNOCK ON DOOR 343 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,600 All right! 344 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,000 Mummy, why are you limping? 345 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,920 - Shift, Karen. - But why are you limping? 346 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:55,520 Die, Nazi scum, die! 347 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,280 Send those Germans to hell! 348 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,040 OK, Ben, come on, out you come. 349 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,680 - Come on, now. - I've to sink that Kraut submarine. 350 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,600 THEY SPEAK GERMAN 351 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:21,280 All ahead full, Number One. 352 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,360 All ahead full. All ahead full. 353 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,200 Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir. 354 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:29,360 Torpedo on the starboard bow. Hard to port, hard to port! 355 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,680 My God, we've been hit! 356 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,880 What's the damage, Smugger? 357 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,920 I'm afraid, she's going down. 358 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:46,360 Mayday, Mayday! 359 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,480 Abandon ship, abandon ship! 360 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,480 HE IMITATES A KLAXON 361 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,720 - Ben! Ben, mum said you have to come downstairs. - But it was him! 362 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:16,080 - Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number 42 bus! - He's the leader of the free world, he can do what he wants. 363 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:21,480 How am I supposed to win the prize for best project on World War II if you won't take me to Dunkirk? 364 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,760 Oh, for... Dunkirk is in Belgium. 365 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:29,960 - Look, sweetheart, winning isn't everything. No-one can win all the time. - Well, I can. 366 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,720 I can smell success in my sweat. 367 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:37,520 Karen, I've told you, The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a seven year old! 368 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,880 - God, what's Ben up to. - I love that do-or-die spirit in her, don't you? 369 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,680 - I'm not sure doing or dying is entirely necessary in a seven year old. - Yes, but... 370 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:50,040 - Are you and gran going to argue? - Of course not, darling. When have we ever done that? 371 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,240 Well, when gran said you should get a job at the private sector. 372 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,840 - Look, can you just... - What is the private sector? - Karen, can you... 373 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,240 Ben, mum says come downstairs. 374 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,280 HE IMITATES MISSILES BEING FIRED 375 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,280 Ahh! 376 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,840 Thank you for the offer, it is very kind, but we just don't need your money. 377 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,880 They're doing fine at school, we just want them to be happy. 378 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:18,240 I want them to be happy, of course I do, but are...average people happy? 379 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,040 - Is this is about me? - Everything isn't about you, Peter. 380 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:25,160 - I very nearly made head of history last year. - And that's terrific. 381 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:29,600 - Who did? - Look, Mum, we just don't... - You said you wouldn't argue. 382 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,960 - No-one is having an argument. - We're having an argument. 383 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:39,360 - No, we're not. - Well, if I think we're having an argument and you think we're not, that's arguing. 384 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,480 You see... 385 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,680 very bright. 386 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:48,040 But I'm telling you, it was really him. 387 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:52,480 Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not be going through a litter bin. 388 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,080 How do you know? Maybe he wrote a song and then chucked it away by accident. 389 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,640 If only! 390 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:02,520 - Ben, don't wander off. - You may be faster than me over a short distance, but you can't keep it up. 391 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:06,440 - Yes, I can do it, I can sprint for way longer than you. - No you can't. - Yes, dad! 392 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,760 Pete, Big Cat Diary. 393 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:14,600 - Right, Karen! Come on, everyone, let's get going before rush hour, Ben and commuters don't mix. - Go! 394 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,880 Oh, for God's... 395 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,240 Sue, trouble brewing. 396 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,360 Oh, well, if he wants to give him his money then that's up to him. 397 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,240 I think he's trying to buy his dog. 398 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,480 Oh, n... No, Ben! 399 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,040 Oi! Idiot! 400 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,360 Oh, God! 401 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,360 Daddy just knocked over that woman. 402 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:42,280 All I'm saying, and I've said it again and again, is don't run off like that. 403 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:46,760 - You shouldn't have been rude about my project... - Yes, well... 404 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,680 You said "I hope she comes last with her bloody project." 405 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,840 - Well... - That's what you said. - Yes. 406 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,720 OK. Here's one for you. 407 00:24:54,720 --> 00:25:00,600 You're drifting in a lifeboat with granddad, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant. 408 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,800 - Right. - Which one would you eat first? 409 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,360 Eat first? 410 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:11,320 Because you're stranded and you can't get out. You're in a big sea which has electrified water. 411 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:16,720 - But you shouted. - No, look, I'm sorry I shouted, but you shouldn't have run away like that. 412 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,560 You gave us a terrible fright. We couldn't find you. 413 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,680 Well, that's because I was hiding. 414 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,960 Yes. But it's not kind to... 415 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:30,360 But I'm only seven and I'm still learning, but you should have learnt to keep your temper by now 416 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:33,720 because you're... whatever age you are. 417 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,000 - Then who are you going to eat? - No options? 418 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,120 - No, apart from death. - Gordon Ramsay. 419 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,120 And how would you kill him? Would you, like, electrify him? 420 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,800 - What, in the sea? - Yeah, you could go, bzzzzz! 421 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:52,000 - Look, the important thing is you must never run away. - And you must never shout at me. 422 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,880 OK, look, well how about this? 423 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,920 I will do my best not to shout at you. 424 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,720 And I'll do my best not to run away. 425 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,440 Yeah, that's... 426 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,920 No, hang on. Karen! 427 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,440 - Which bit of Gordon Ramsay would you eat first? - The fattest bit? 428 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,240 I'd eat his nose because it's really big and it would last you for about a week... 429 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,960 We're dining off Gordon Ramsay's nose. 430 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:22,000 So, you're stranded in a lifeboat, you can get out, you've decided to kill Gordon Ramsay, 431 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:27,440 chop off his nose, grill it in electrified water then eat it. 432 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,360 Yeah. 433 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,920 Well, one time it had this battle in a storm, yeah, and it sank this German ship 434 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:39,040 and this German ship, like, had a crew of 1,000 men or something, but still all but 30 of them died. 435 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:47,760 Yeah, but it was crap. A really crap historical day out. 436 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:50,600 What? 437 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,200 - What? - Pete... - Sorry about that. 438 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,280 I know we said no to your mum's money, but I've been thinking. 439 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,360 Maybe we should get them a bit of tuition. 440 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,760 Maybe we should be pushing them a bit more. 441 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:06,440 Karen doesn't need pushing, she needs restraining. 442 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,120 Maybe with leg irons. 443 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:14,480 I mean obviously we don't want to be pushy parents, but we don't want to be unpushy parents. 444 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:17,760 Maybe we could be parents who just push their children uphill. 445 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,840 All of life's uphill, isn't it? 446 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,360 - How's your hamstring? - It's fine. 447 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:27,520 - Do you know, something happened to it right at the end there just when Jake... - Streaked past you. 448 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:32,680 Pete, you are going to have a talk to your mum about the whole dead marriage thing, aren't you? 449 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,360 What would it achieve? I mean, I can't mend marriages, I'm not Tricia. 450 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:40,080 You don't have to achieve anything, you just have to be sympathetic and... 451 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,960 Ben's on the loo, but he's run out of paper. 452 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,840 All right, I'll get him some. You two can just sit down and have a nice chat. 453 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,320 - I know where it is. - No, I'd rather go. - I'm very happy to do it. - Sandra, I'll go. 454 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,600 You two just sit down and have a nice natter. 455 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,800 So... 456 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:05,000 - How's dad? - Fine. 457 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,960 - How are you and dad? - Fine, fine. 458 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,560 Mum... 459 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:14,160 Cup of tea? 460 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:22,720 Peter, I'd really like you to take this money and spend it on anything, a holiday or something. 461 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:29,520 - I know you're a bit short. - It's not like you've got loads of money. - Take it, please, as a favour to me. 462 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,600 - It's important. - Mum, is something up? 463 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:37,200 - Everything's fine. And it'll be even better if you take the money. - Something is up, isn't it? 464 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:41,640 - He says the pink paper's too girly, so he'll have to have kitchen paper. - I'll take it. 465 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,680 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 466 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,400 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk