- You idiot! - I know you are but what am I? - So annoying! - You two, pack it in!
- He started it! - No, I did not!
Yes, he did. He Facebook-raped me.
Facebook-raped?
Yes. He changed my status to "Jake is a transvestite."
He doesn't even know what a transvestite is!
Yes, I do.
They're a bit strange and they're men who want to be women
but they can't afford sex changes,
so they buy women's parts and they glue them on.
What?
Anyway, he changed my Facebook status
to "Ben died last Tuesday", and I didn't.
- Why are you so childish? - Look, I don't care who started it.
How can you not care? You're a history teacher.
- Yes, but... - History is about who started it.
Well, that's...
I don't want to be a vet any more. I want to be an astronaut.
Girls can't be astronauts.
- What?! - I think they can, Ben.
They can't, cos they can't throw.
Why would an astronaut need to know how to throw?
Well, what if there's a giant alien jellyfish attack
and the only weapon you had were spanners to throw?
Anyway, girls can throw.
Interestingly, there is evidence
that the way the female shoulder is put together
does make it difficult for girls to throw a ball hard.
- Ow! - That was a hard throw.
- Karen! Ow! - And so was that!
Karen, I've told you before - no throwing fruit at Dad.
Jake, could you check whether the milkman's been, please?
Why me?
Because you drink most of it.
God, I'm dreadfully sorry to inconvenience you.
I'll just leave home, shall I?
OK, but get the milk on your way out.
Here's one.
There are loads of aliens coming towards you
and the only weapon you have is a javelin.
Why would an astronaut have a javelin?
For the Space Olympics.
(GIGGLES)
What if one gives birth to a baby and then the baby's bouncing around,
hitting buttons like the force-field
and then, when the captain goes over to turn on the backup force-field,
he trips over the cord holding the mummy and baby together?
Where's he got to with that milk?
And that's why you can't have women in space.
- Hiya. - Hi.
SUE: Any time this month would be great.
Oh, right.
- Milk! - Oh, sorry.
What if the ship was being attacked by all these big meteorites?
All the women would be doing is sitting in the toilet, crying, going...
(WHINES) ..and being all sissy.
That's a bit of an unfair stereotype.
- No, it's not. - Do you know what a stereotype is?
No.
Well, a stereotype is when someone has the wrong idea about people.
For instance, someone may feel
that women are ALL sissy, sissy, girlie-girls
who do unimportant things, whereas in fact
there are a lot of strong and very successful women out there
who completely prove that stereotype wrong.
Do you see?
Have you got any bacon?
Like, for instance,
why did you direct that question to me and not your father?
Because you're nearest the fridge.
Oh.
Right, well... DOORBELL RINGS
Never fear, I'm not asking for money! (LAUGHS)
I just wanted to give you a leaflet.
- Oh, it's about the speed bumps. - It is indeed.
There's more information at our website -
www.thismadnessmustend.com.
What's that?
Oh, it's just a letter from the hospital.
Instructions about my colonoscopy.
Is that when they chop off the top of your brain
to make you behave better?
- That's a lobotomy. - Oh.
Miss Lyons said Ben could do with one of those.
They've banned them...sadly.
So, what are you having?
Look, I'm...I'm just having a very simple thing
where they film your insides.
- Film your insides? - Mm-hmm.
But your insides are on your insides, so how can they film them?
- With a camera. - In your insides?
Yes.
Are...are you sure you've got this right?
It's just we haven't quite decided what we're...
All right. Then let me ask you a question.
Are you in favour
of councils riding roughshod over the wishes of local residents?
No. No, obviously not. It's just we haven't...
Let me ask another question.
Are you in favour of people dying
because ambulances are being impeded in their progress?
No. No, I'm not in favour of people dying. I'm against that. It's just...
Why don't I show you some statistics?
Let me just...
Yes, but how does this camera get inside your insides?
Well...
it's a special tiny camera, specially designed for the purpose.
Yes, but how does it get inside your insides?
Well, they...they...they put it...
..up your bottom.
- Up your bottom?! - It's not funny, Ben.
- It is! - Who's going to work the camera?
Is there going to be, like, some tiny, tiny, midget doctor
that has to go up your bottom too?
- No, Karen. - There's no midget.
Will we be able to watch it live on telly?
No, you won't be able to watch it live on TV.
Is that cos it's on Sky and we don't have Sky?
- That is... Oh! - No, there's no colonoscopy channel.
Yet.
What if you do one of your massive, gigantic, dad farts...
Oh, God!
..while it's in you, and then, like, it sends the midget flying back?
- There are no midgets. - (GIGGLES)
Just stop it now, you two.
What if something goes wrong and...
- What if it gets stuck? - And you can't get it out?
- They have to stick their hand up your bottom to pull it out! - Stop it!
Furthermore, the elevation of the speed bumps is 12cm,
which is patently absurd.
Well, this street has actually become a bit of a rat run and...
That's because of the new lights at the top of Palmerston Grove.
I did warn them. Anyway, let me show you some more...
Actually, now's not a great time. We've got a...
Understood. Saturday morning chaos. Bad timing.
- I shall leave you alone... - Thanks.
..and come back this evening.
Oh...
Great.
It could be like Big Brother.
Yeah. "Day 49 and Daddy's tummy is full of carrots."
Why have you got to have this...thing?
Look, it is purely precautionary. It's standard procedure now.
If you're middle-aged and have tummy trouble, then...
Will the camera be searching for cancer?
- Ben, shut up! - It's OK, Jake.
It's fine. He can ask that.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
Cancer is just a word and we shouldn't be afraid of saying it.
Cancer.
Yeah, that's...
Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.
Yeah, there is a difference between not being frightened of it
and turning it into a catchphrase.
It's not funny, Ben. Jane's dad's got cancer and...
Yeah, it's OK, Jake. It's OK. Look, I am confident that I've not got...
There are millions of stomach-related ailments.
It will turn out to be one of them, believe me.
Probably turn out to be...to do with my nerves or something.
- Why would your nerves be bad? - I don't know.
It's hard to work out, isn't it? Put down the carving fork.
- Just looking at the shape of it. - Pointy, that's the shape of it.
Now, put it down.
If you used this as a javelin, you could impale two aliens at once.
As long as they're standing next to each other, are very thin,
and they're standing still.
Why are boys so aggressive?
Why do you see everything as a weapon?
Because boys can throw and girls can't.
- Boys are brilliant. - Shut up!
- THUD - Ow!
- She's throwing fruit again! - Oh, God.
Jake was at it again.
Ogling Frank and Jean's daughter, Kelly.
Oh, yeah. The one with the legs?
The one with the honours degree from Oxford.
Oh, yeah.
Honestly, the boys' attitude to women, it's medieval.
Ben sees women solely as...staff
and Jake spends his whole time
watching the Pussycat Dolls with a face like this.
Yeah, well, he's a boy, he's 13 and...
THUD JAKE: Shut up!
Oh, God. What on earth is going on in here?
- You're in a bad mood. - Shut up. Shut up, Ben!
- Just stop it! Come on. - You're so annoying!
- Ben, no hitting. - SUE: There is no need to fight.
There is, actually.
When we men were cavemen, we used to fight other cavemen
so they didn't steal our pet brontosauruses.
It's Darwin.
A, that is not Darwin, that's The Flintstones,
and B, that is utter b...rubbish.
You never see your dad starting a fight, do you?
No, cos he'd lose.
Mum's right. Real men don't fight.
That's right.
They're man enough to control themselves.
Exactly. So, you two just cool it.
OK. Washing up's done and I'll see you about one.
OK, so... No, hang on!
Wait a minute! What do you mean, "See you at one"?
Where are you going?
Well, this is a bit of a visual clue.
- No, you're not playing tennis. - Yes, I am.
No, not this morning. You're on kids patrol.
No, I'm not. I'm playing tennis with Frankie, Rick and Bob.
I've done the washing up.
I've got a coffee with Jilly and Susannah.
Yeah, but...I'm playing tennis.
- Since when? - What do you mean, "Since when"?
This is a long-standing arrangement.
No, it's not on the calendar.
You know the rule. If it's not on the calendar, it doesn't exist.
- That's the rule. - I know but...
It's not a fully sanctioned, bona fide commitment.
- Yes, and that's... - And that's the rule.
And we've agreed the rule to prevent this kind of double-booking.
- If it's not in the calendar... - But it is in the calendar.
Where?
There. See?
- Where? - There!
"P ton."
"P ten." Short for tennis.
Well, how am I supposed to decode that?
I haven't got an Enigma machine.
Why should you be my apprentice?
Because I'm a winner.
I don't even know the meaning of the word "loser".
And I've never, ever, ever failed anything in my entire life.
You're fired!
Now, who's next?
I'm a good team leader.
No, that's not true. She's bossy.
She's a panda. And she's dead!
The rule is it has to be on the calendar
and written in something resembling English.
Clearly "P ten" stands for "Pete - tennis".
So, why not just write "tennis"?
Because there isn't room.
The box is too small
and half of it is taken up
with the revelation that it is National Weaving Day in Canada.
Oh, I see. So, this is all about my calendar-buying skills, now, is it?
No, all I'm saying is
there isn't room for my name and the word "tennis".
Yeah, because most of the box
is taken up with the words "Sue coffee morn".
Is that what that says?
You know perfectly well that's what that says.
How am I meant to decipher that microscopic scrawl?
Hang on. You put your tennis there this morning.
I did not. I put that on the calendar last Tuesday.
Well, I don't remember seeing it.
Just cos you didn't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I am good at everything.
Well, I don't care.
You...you... you...
You smell of flowers! And flowers give me hay fever.
You're fired!
And you two, you're just a pair of clowns.
You're fired!
All I'm saying is, as commitments go,
a tennis match trumps a coffee morning, surely?
Well, how do you work that one out?
Because if I cancel, I'm letting down Rick, Bob and Frankie.
That is three people.
If you cancel, you're letting down two.
- Oh, for f... - Also, if I don't turn up,
the boys can't have a match,
whereas if you don't turn up,
Jilly and Susannah can still...drink coffee.
- I don't believe this. - Also, I really need a run around.
I mean, I have had an extremely stressful week at work.
YOU'VE had a stressful week at work?!
I've been working on telesales...
Yes, but you had a night out on Thursday, didn't you?
That was parents' evening!
I spent hours sitting around,
waiting to be told that it's great that Ben's so keen on the Aztecs
but he has to stop carving scenes of human sacrifice onto the desks!
Yes, but this tennis court is specifically booked for this morning,
whereas your coffee morning could be rescheduled.
I mean, booking these courts - they're like gold dust.
So, you're saying that your social life is more important than mine?
- No. No, I'm not saying that. - Yes, you are.
You're saying that four men playing tennis
is more important than three women having a coffee morning.
- Well, it is. - What?
A coffee morning isn't competitive.
It's not like, "Who can drink the frothiest coffees?"
But tennis is men fighting for victory, and that's more important.
Well, I don't know where he got that from.
Can't we get someone in to look after them?
At five minutes' notice?
What about old what's-her-name, the old lady up the road?
Joan? She won't do it. Her doctor's told her she mustn't do it again.
- Oh, yeah. - There's only one way to resolve this. We'll toss for it.
All right.
Tails, I get my coffee morning,
heads, you get your tennis.
- OK. - OK?
- It's best out of three. - What?!
Best out of three.
Best out of three? It's best of one. I've won.
So, what was this bloke's name? I didn't catch...
Lance.
Just moved in opposite Frankie, so he roped him in last minute.
Why did Bob pull out?
He double-booked himself with his wife on kids patrol, didn't he?
- What a pillock. - Yeah!
What a pillock.
OK, ready?
- Nice! - Out!
By about that much.
Maybe it was out.
15-0.
- Hi, Dad! - Hi, Dad!
Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.
I'm sorry, Pete, but Melanie just called and her car's broken down,
so I'm going to have to take Jake plus Dean plus Luke to football.
- You've got to look after these two. - Can't someone else?
I've tried everybody. Honestly.
Got to go because Luke and Dean are at our place.
But I'm meant to be playing tennis. How do I keep them entertained?
Look, I've brought toys for them.
Ben! I told you not to bring this! It'll be fine.
This is not a practical arrangement.
They can have a game on one of these spare courts,
which are like gold dust, apparently.
- Bye! - How am I supposed to...?
Oh, she's good.
Right, kids, here we go. I've got some spare racquets here.
- Thanks, Rick. - You know Frankie, don't you?
- And that's Lance. - Oh, Lance. That is so cool.
You've got the name of a weapon.
I wanted to call myself Scimitar
but Dad said there'd be too much paperwork.
- Right. - You just play a nice game there.
See how long you can keep that up.
Are we ready? 15-0.
(SHRIEKS)
Karen...what are you doing?
Well, when professional tennis women play tennis,
every time they hit the ball they go "Ahhh!"
And then they sit down and eat a banana.
Yeah, well, Venus Williams might, but it's very distracting.
- So, if you can... - Why do they make that noise?
I mean, they're just hitting a tennis ball,
not, like, a rock or something made of osmium,
the heaviest metal known to man.
- Are we going to play tennis or not? - Yeah. Sorry.
15-0.
This is boring!
Look, do some drawing or something.
I've got an idea. Ben, why don't you be our ball boy?
- You know, like at Wimbledon. - OK.
And, Karen, you can be our umpire.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
- Is that the one who's in charge? - She tends to get a bit...
That's right, you're the ref.
What you do is, every time the ball hits the net you shout "Foul".
OK.
Wait!
Play!
Look, boys, look. Check these out.
Sorry about that, boys. I had to drop off Ben and Karen.
- Did you see those...? - ALL LAUGH
- Morning, Mrs Brockman. - Morning, Mrs Brockman. - Hi, boys.
Out!
- Out? - Yeah.
Well, what does our umpire say?
I shall have to consult Hawk-Eye.
Whoooo!
- In! - No, sweetheart, it wasn't.
Well, yeah, it was, because it bounced here.
And don't call me "sweetheart".
The umpire's word is final, Lance.
- I'm telling you, it was out. - Yeah, you can't face the truth.
- Are you going to...? - Karen, stop it.
You're saying, "I thought it was in" because you're a bad loser.
- And you're too competitive. - It really doesn't matter.
- Let's play a let. - What? But I'm the umpire!
- Karen... - I get to choose what we do.
- Book him. - Good idea.
- Daddy, you're booked. - Whoa!
- Ben, what are you doing?
A Mexican wave. Whoa!
You can't do a Mexican wave with just one person.
Yes, you can. You just have to keep running round the court.
Actually, I think the ball probably was in, Lance.
40-30 to you.
Thanks for the lift, Mrs Brockman.
Could you just hang on a second, Jakey?
- No, I've got to go play football. - No, this won't take a moment.
Jake...do you know what the objectification of women is?
Foreign film?
No, it's not a foreign film.
It's when a woman is seen just as an object or a commodity.
By men.
For instance, if a pretty girl walks by
and someone says, "Did you see those?"
Rather than, "Did you see her?"
That was abbreviating.
What?
You know. I said "those" as opposed to "those girls".
Because there was a pair of them. Girls. A pair of girls.
So I, um, said, "those"
much like you would say, "Watch out for those cars."
I think you might have confused me with a gullible idiot.
Yours!
Mine!
Yes! Yes.
- Game 2-1. - Out!
- What?! - That was out.
And that's a point to Daddy's team.
Oh, for f...
And another point to Daddy's team for bad language.
- I didn't swear! - You were going to.
- Yeah, you were going to say... - Ben!
- She can't dock points like that. - It's fine.
- Look, just ignore her. - You can't ignore me, I'm the referee.
- Karen... - And don't argue with me.
You've already been booked.
Again, I thought that probably did look out.
The ball was miles off. That bloke's blind.
- Ben! - Deuce it is, then.
Girls like to be admired!
They like to be admired, yes,
but as a person, not as a sexual object.
Does Britney Spears want that?
Look, Jake, all I'm saying is
I don't want you growing up into the kind of man
who talks to a woman without looking at their face.
You are such a hypocrite.
- Oh, you idiot! - Advantage us!
What is wrong with me today?
- Well, um, what star sign are you? - Pisces.
It's probably just a bad day for Pisces.
Mind you, Daddy's playing rubbish and he's Cancer.
Can we get on with it, please?
- Yes. Sorry. - Advantage us. Set point.
I am not a hypocrite!
Yes, you are!
I've heard you and your friends talk about that builder across the street.
Well... How did you hear that?
All giggling and cracking jokes about the size of his spanner.
Yeah, well, that was Melanie. That wasn't me.
And when you were rating his arse out of ten,
you were obviously just admiring him as a person.
Look, Jake, A, you shouldn't eavesdrop...
Eavesdrop? You were screeching like...
..and, B, it was different because...
he didn't know we were looking at him.
- That's not the point. - Look, the point is...
The point is I'm late. See you later.
By the way, I said you could wash the kit.
Mine!
- Yes! - I thought that looked a bit wide.
It landed...
..here.
See? Wide.
Yeah, but I saw it and it was good. Why believe her?
Believe me because my eyes are good because I'm young.
Karen...
Your eyes are more smaller and a bit wrinklier
and you can't see because you're quite old.
- Oh, this is a bloody joke! - Racquet abusement!
Two points to Daddy's team.
One for racquet abusement and another for swearing.
This is ridiculous. Something's going on here.
I've had four perfectly good points called out.
Yeah, by... How do you explain that, eh?
Maybe it's something to do with your star sign.
- Karen... - Are you Pisces or are you a Cancer?
- What? - Let's just play a let. First serve.
Why do they name a star sign after a disease, like cancer?
Yeah, do you mind?
- It's only a word. There's nothing to be afraid of. - Ben!
- I'm just saying it.
Please!
Thank you.
- Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. - Ben!
Oh, come on. This is out of order.
- Eh? - He's obviously playing mind games.
- He's nine. - He knows what he's doing.
Like her. She sees what she wants to see.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's rich.
Sorry?
Are you calling me a cheat?
Uh, yeah, I am calling you a cheat.
Ha! Listen, matey. I don't have to cheat to beat you.
- Lance. - I played for my county.
Which county was that? Wankershire?
- Oh! Yeah, come on. - Lance, it's all right.
- Leave it. - I'm ready.
- Rick. - Lance.
Get off! (GRUNTS)
Get off me!
- BEN CHUCKLES - Wait! Just leave him.
- LANCE GRUNTS - Rick!
Oh, Jesus!
I think the world is unfair to women.
Well, absolutely. I think you're right.
Often it is.
Because women can't grow moustaches or beards.
Do you want to grow a beard?
Well, I might want to be a... a tugboat captain
or a...a...an ayatollah.
Well, you'd make a very good ayatollah.
But women can do things men can't. Women can have babies.
Yes, but I'd rather have a moustache than a baby
cos then you could just shave it off if...if...you change your mind
and you can't do that with a baby.
Ahhh!
Ow! Ben, I've told you not to fire that in the house.
Don't shoot things at people.
Can I grow a beard when I'm older, like Eric Bloodaxe or Blackbeard?
- I'm sure you can grow a beard. - It'd be really cool.
Cos Blackbeard used to put fireworks in it and...
Why did he have...?
And sparklers and matches and it would be, like, pfft!
There would be an element of danger in that.
I think that might raise a few health and safety issues.
If you had a really long beard, like Blackbeard,
you could put little animals in there,
so whenever you had an enemy walking up to you,
a ferret would pop out of your beard and bite him.
So, you'd have them trained...
Or you could have a spitting cobra,
which has been painted to make it look like part of your beard
and then it goes...thark!
TV ANNOUNCER: Bring on the wall!
- Bring on the wall? - I like this.
Yes, but how's that entertainment?
It's funny, isn't it?
Vanessa Feltz being hit by a real wall - that would be entertainment.
It's not every day you get to see someone really fat
stuck into a really tight Lycra costume.
Then they get pushed into the water.
It's entertainment, Dad, just face it.
What, people who can't even work out the shape they have to be
to get through a large hole in a wall?
No, it's not that they can't work it out
but if they're sort of a metre wide
and the gap is only, like, 50cm wide,
then it's just, you know, physics, isn't it?
They're not going to fit through.
I'm not accepting that that is physics, Jake.
Maybe it's not physics. I couldn't think of what to call it.
Cos you watch too many programmes like this.
- SIGHS - Bring on the wall? Bring on an early death.
- What else is on? - No, Dad, don't change...
What's that?
Doctor Who.
That's not Doctor Who.
It's The Making Of Doctor Who. Same thing.
Oh, no, not another Making Of programme.
Or you could have a chameleon which looks like part of your beard.
Or you could have a scorpion,
and it just scuttles out and goes like that and it goes...pfft!
So, you would fill your beard with attack animals?
Don't put that in your gun cos that's a dangerous missile.
Oh, all right.
If you fired that out, you'd really hurt someone.
What happens if your hair grows really, really long,
like down to your feet,
and then it grows its own personality
and it starts attacking you and controlling you?
SIGHS
What is wrong with Making Of programmes, Dad?
Because television is like a pork pie.
Fantastic, but you don't want to know what goes in them.
- But you just... - I'm going to see what else is on.
Dad, why do you always change the channel when something good comes on?
- GROANS - Oh, Spooks.
- That's a good show as well. - It's not realistic.
None of the agents has ever got pissed
and left a top-secret dossier on a train.
I drawed some pictures of you.
Right.
- They're of you playing tennis. - Lovely.
- This is you holding a racquet. - Oh, yeah.
And this is that man biting your friend's knee
and him saying, "Ouch, ouch, ouchy!"
Although, that's not actually what he said.
- No, I know. - He actually said...
What's that up in the sky?
That's a dragon.
Being ridden by Barack Obama?
Yes. He's coming to arrest all of you.
Right.
- Come on, Karen. Time for bed. - All right, all right. Don't bang on.
I wasn't...banging on!
CHANGES CHANNEL
"Real men don't fight. They're man enough to control themselves."
I didn't fight. I was restraining them.
Ben says you gave this bloke a crafty elbow in the ribs.
That was an... accidental collision...
while I was restraining them.
That's pathetic.
Four grown men. What are you watching?
Oh, it's Simon Cowell being rude to a mentally ill person.
- Right. - CHANGES CHANNEL
I tried having a word with Jake about his attitude towards women.
And I'm...I'm so depressed by the way everybody just automatically...
DOORBELL RINGS
..slots themselves into these stupid sexual stereotypes.
It's prehistoric.
Back as promised.
I've actually got a copy
of what the council laughably call their Traffic Calming Programme.
Would you like me to talk you through it?
That's going to be too technical for my girlie brain.
This is man's talk. I'll go and get my hubby.
- Oh. - Peter!
It's for you, darling.