1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,600 - You idiot! - I know you are but what am I? - So annoying! - You two, pack it in! 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:07,160 - He started it! - No, I did not! 3 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,120 Yes, he did. He Facebook-raped me. 4 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,200 Facebook-raped? 5 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,160 Yes. He changed my status to "Jake is a transvestite." 6 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,160 He doesn't even know what a transvestite is! 7 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,240 Yes, I do. 8 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:19,760 They're a bit strange and they're men who want to be women 9 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,360 but they can't afford sex changes, 10 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,400 so they buy women's parts and they glue them on. 11 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,560 What? 12 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,480 Anyway, he changed my Facebook status 13 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:32,560 to "Ben died last Tuesday", and I didn't. 14 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,280 - Why are you so childish? - Look, I don't care who started it. 15 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,680 How can you not care? You're a history teacher. 16 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,840 - Yes, but... - History is about who started it. 17 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,000 Well, that's... 18 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:46,120 I don't want to be a vet any more. I want to be an astronaut. 19 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,560 Girls can't be astronauts. 20 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,760 - What?! - I think they can, Ben. 21 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,160 They can't, cos they can't throw. 22 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,360 Why would an astronaut need to know how to throw? 23 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,800 Well, what if there's a giant alien jellyfish attack 24 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,080 and the only weapon you had were spanners to throw? 25 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:03,000 Anyway, girls can throw. 26 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,200 Interestingly, there is evidence 27 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,600 that the way the female shoulder is put together 28 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,320 does make it difficult for girls to throw a ball hard. 29 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,720 - Ow! - That was a hard throw. 30 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,320 - Karen! Ow! - And so was that! 31 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,760 Karen, I've told you before - no throwing fruit at Dad. 32 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,360 Jake, could you check whether the milkman's been, please? 33 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,240 Why me? 34 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,920 Because you drink most of it. 35 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,480 God, I'm dreadfully sorry to inconvenience you. 36 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,160 I'll just leave home, shall I? 37 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:30,680 OK, but get the milk on your way out. 38 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,200 Here's one. 39 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,680 There are loads of aliens coming towards you 40 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,840 and the only weapon you have is a javelin. 41 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,000 Why would an astronaut have a javelin? 42 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,560 For the Space Olympics. 43 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,600 (GIGGLES) 44 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,840 What if one gives birth to a baby and then the baby's bouncing around, 45 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,640 hitting buttons like the force-field 46 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,200 and then, when the captain goes over to turn on the backup force-field, 47 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,680 he trips over the cord holding the mummy and baby together? 48 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,280 Where's he got to with that milk? 49 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,200 And that's why you can't have women in space. 50 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,880 - Hiya. - Hi. 51 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:10,400 SUE: Any time this month would be great. 52 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,920 Oh, right. 53 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,160 - Milk! - Oh, sorry. 54 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,720 What if the ship was being attacked by all these big meteorites? 55 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,160 All the women would be doing is sitting in the toilet, crying, going... 56 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,880 (WHINES) ..and being all sissy. 57 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,840 That's a bit of an unfair stereotype. 58 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,800 - No, it's not. - Do you know what a stereotype is? 59 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,400 No. 60 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:38,120 Well, a stereotype is when someone has the wrong idea about people. 61 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,720 For instance, someone may feel 62 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:44,440 that women are ALL sissy, sissy, girlie-girls 63 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,000 who do unimportant things, whereas in fact 64 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,880 there are a lot of strong and very successful women out there 65 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,240 who completely prove that stereotype wrong. 66 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,720 Do you see? 67 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:55,800 Have you got any bacon? 68 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,320 Like, for instance, 69 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,200 why did you direct that question to me and not your father? 70 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,600 Because you're nearest the fridge. 71 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,280 Oh. 72 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:08,080 Right, well... DOORBELL RINGS 73 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,560 Never fear, I'm not asking for money! (LAUGHS) 74 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,560 I just wanted to give you a leaflet. 75 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,320 - Oh, it's about the speed bumps. - It is indeed. 76 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,480 There's more information at our website - 77 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,680 www.thismadnessmustend.com. 78 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:28,960 What's that? 79 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,400 Oh, it's just a letter from the hospital. 80 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,480 Instructions about my colonoscopy. 81 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,840 Is that when they chop off the top of your brain 82 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,240 to make you behave better? 83 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,280 - That's a lobotomy. - Oh. 84 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:42,240 Miss Lyons said Ben could do with one of those. 85 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,960 They've banned them...sadly. 86 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,200 So, what are you having? 87 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:51,320 Look, I'm...I'm just having a very simple thing 88 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,200 where they film your insides. 89 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,600 - Film your insides? - Mm-hmm. 90 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:02,560 But your insides are on your insides, so how can they film them? 91 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,040 - With a camera. - In your insides? 92 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,280 Yes. 93 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,160 Are...are you sure you've got this right? 94 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,400 It's just we haven't quite decided what we're... 95 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,520 All right. Then let me ask you a question. 96 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,040 Are you in favour 97 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:21,000 of councils riding roughshod over the wishes of local residents? 98 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,760 No. No, obviously not. It's just we haven't... 99 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,280 Let me ask another question. 100 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,080 Are you in favour of people dying 101 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,880 because ambulances are being impeded in their progress? 102 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:35,880 No. No, I'm not in favour of people dying. I'm against that. It's just... 103 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,880 Why don't I show you some statistics? 104 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,720 Let me just... 105 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,880 Yes, but how does this camera get inside your insides? 106 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,320 Well... 107 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:51,280 it's a special tiny camera, specially designed for the purpose. 108 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:55,560 Yes, but how does it get inside your insides? 109 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,960 Well, they...they...they put it... 110 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,400 ..up your bottom. 111 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,400 - Up your bottom?! - It's not funny, Ben. 112 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,760 - It is! - Who's going to work the camera? 113 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,280 Is there going to be, like, some tiny, tiny, midget doctor 114 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:12,800 that has to go up your bottom too? 115 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,960 - No, Karen. - There's no midget. 116 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,880 Will we be able to watch it live on telly? 117 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,880 No, you won't be able to watch it live on TV. 118 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,760 Is that cos it's on Sky and we don't have Sky? 119 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,120 - That is... Oh! - No, there's no colonoscopy channel. 120 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:26,880 Yet. 121 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,880 What if you do one of your massive, gigantic, dad farts... 122 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,120 Oh, God! 123 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,160 ..while it's in you, and then, like, it sends the midget flying back? 124 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,760 - There are no midgets. - (GIGGLES) 125 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,080 Just stop it now, you two. 126 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,880 What if something goes wrong and... 127 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,520 - What if it gets stuck? - And you can't get it out? 128 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:46,200 - They have to stick their hand up your bottom to pull it out! - Stop it! 129 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:51,160 Furthermore, the elevation of the speed bumps is 12cm, 130 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,040 which is patently absurd. 131 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,880 Well, this street has actually become a bit of a rat run and... 132 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,000 That's because of the new lights at the top of Palmerston Grove. 133 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,760 I did warn them. Anyway, let me show you some more... 134 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,120 Actually, now's not a great time. We've got a... 135 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,440 Understood. Saturday morning chaos. Bad timing. 136 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,800 - I shall leave you alone... - Thanks. 137 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,240 ..and come back this evening. 138 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,480 Oh... 139 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,360 Great. 140 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,880 It could be like Big Brother. 141 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:25,080 Yeah. "Day 49 and Daddy's tummy is full of carrots." 142 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,040 Why have you got to have this...thing? 143 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:32,120 Look, it is purely precautionary. It's standard procedure now. 144 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,320 If you're middle-aged and have tummy trouble, then... 145 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,000 Will the camera be searching for cancer? 146 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,680 - Ben, shut up! - It's OK, Jake. 147 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,160 It's fine. He can ask that. 148 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,040 There's nothing to be frightened of. 149 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,480 Cancer is just a word and we shouldn't be afraid of saying it. 150 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:46,560 Cancer. 151 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:47,920 Yeah, that's... 152 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,680 Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. 153 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,160 Yeah, there is a difference between not being frightened of it 154 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,200 and turning it into a catchphrase. 155 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,240 It's not funny, Ben. Jane's dad's got cancer and... 156 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,000 Yeah, it's OK, Jake. It's OK. Look, I am confident that I've not got... 157 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,760 There are millions of stomach-related ailments. 158 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,560 It will turn out to be one of them, believe me. 159 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,520 Probably turn out to be...to do with my nerves or something. 160 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,000 - Why would your nerves be bad? - I don't know. 161 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,280 It's hard to work out, isn't it? Put down the carving fork. 162 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,880 - Just looking at the shape of it. - Pointy, that's the shape of it. 163 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:21,960 Now, put it down. 164 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:26,000 If you used this as a javelin, you could impale two aliens at once. 165 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,800 As long as they're standing next to each other, are very thin, 166 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,280 and they're standing still. 167 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480 Why are boys so aggressive? 168 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,600 Why do you see everything as a weapon? 169 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,360 Because boys can throw and girls can't. 170 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,720 - Boys are brilliant. - Shut up! 171 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,240 - THUD - Ow! 172 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,240 - She's throwing fruit again! - Oh, God. 173 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:44,720 Jake was at it again. 174 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,560 Ogling Frank and Jean's daughter, Kelly. 175 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,360 Oh, yeah. The one with the legs? 176 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,400 The one with the honours degree from Oxford. 177 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,320 Oh, yeah. 178 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,800 Honestly, the boys' attitude to women, it's medieval. 179 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:03,800 Ben sees women solely as...staff 180 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,400 and Jake spends his whole time 181 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,160 watching the Pussycat Dolls with a face like this. 182 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,320 Yeah, well, he's a boy, he's 13 and... 183 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,640 THUD JAKE: Shut up! 184 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,600 Oh, God. What on earth is going on in here? 185 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,880 - You're in a bad mood. - Shut up. Shut up, Ben! 186 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,560 - Just stop it! Come on. - You're so annoying! 187 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,160 - Ben, no hitting. - SUE: There is no need to fight. 188 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,200 There is, actually. 189 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,280 When we men were cavemen, we used to fight other cavemen 190 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,720 so they didn't steal our pet brontosauruses. 191 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:30,840 It's Darwin. 192 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,960 A, that is not Darwin, that's The Flintstones, 193 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,840 and B, that is utter b...rubbish. 194 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,560 You never see your dad starting a fight, do you? 195 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,320 No, cos he'd lose. 196 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,560 Mum's right. Real men don't fight. 197 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:43,640 That's right. 198 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,200 They're man enough to control themselves. 199 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,600 Exactly. So, you two just cool it. 200 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,320 OK. Washing up's done and I'll see you about one. 201 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,120 OK, so... No, hang on! 202 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,440 Wait a minute! What do you mean, "See you at one"? 203 00:08:58,440 --> 00:08:59,480 Where are you going? 204 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,080 Well, this is a bit of a visual clue. 205 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,520 - No, you're not playing tennis. - Yes, I am. 206 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,240 No, not this morning. You're on kids patrol. 207 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,120 No, I'm not. I'm playing tennis with Frankie, Rick and Bob. 208 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,960 I've done the washing up. 209 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,920 I've got a coffee with Jilly and Susannah. 210 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,040 Yeah, but...I'm playing tennis. 211 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,920 - Since when? - What do you mean, "Since when"? 212 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,240 This is a long-standing arrangement. 213 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,200 No, it's not on the calendar. 214 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,000 You know the rule. If it's not on the calendar, it doesn't exist. 215 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,440 - That's the rule. - I know but... 216 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,560 It's not a fully sanctioned, bona fide commitment. 217 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,400 - Yes, and that's... - And that's the rule. 218 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,080 And we've agreed the rule to prevent this kind of double-booking. 219 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,800 - If it's not in the calendar... - But it is in the calendar. 220 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:36,920 Where? 221 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,520 There. See? 222 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:42,720 - Where? - There! 223 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,080 "P ton." 224 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,320 "P ten." Short for tennis. 225 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,160 Well, how am I supposed to decode that? 226 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,080 I haven't got an Enigma machine. 227 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:55,600 Why should you be my apprentice? 228 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,720 Because I'm a winner. 229 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,720 I don't even know the meaning of the word "loser". 230 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,760 And I've never, ever, ever failed anything in my entire life. 231 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,280 You're fired! 232 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,720 Now, who's next? 233 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,000 I'm a good team leader. 234 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,000 No, that's not true. She's bossy. 235 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,080 She's a panda. And she's dead! 236 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,760 The rule is it has to be on the calendar 237 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,080 and written in something resembling English. 238 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,400 Clearly "P ten" stands for "Pete - tennis". 239 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,120 So, why not just write "tennis"? 240 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,000 Because there isn't room. 241 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,520 The box is too small 242 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,120 and half of it is taken up 243 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,240 with the revelation that it is National Weaving Day in Canada. 244 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:41,320 Oh, I see. So, this is all about my calendar-buying skills, now, is it? 245 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:42,760 No, all I'm saying is 246 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,800 there isn't room for my name and the word "tennis". 247 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,200 Yeah, because most of the box 248 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,480 is taken up with the words "Sue coffee morn". 249 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,000 Is that what that says? 250 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,040 You know perfectly well that's what that says. 251 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,240 How am I meant to decipher that microscopic scrawl? 252 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,640 Hang on. You put your tennis there this morning. 253 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,080 I did not. I put that on the calendar last Tuesday. 254 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,760 Well, I don't remember seeing it. 255 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,920 Just cos you didn't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 256 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,840 I am good at everything. 257 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,320 Well, I don't care. 258 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,200 You...you... you... 259 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:15,560 You smell of flowers! And flowers give me hay fever. 260 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,080 You're fired! 261 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,720 And you two, you're just a pair of clowns. 262 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,480 You're fired! 263 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,280 All I'm saying is, as commitments go, 264 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,640 a tennis match trumps a coffee morning, surely? 265 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,760 Well, how do you work that one out? 266 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,760 Because if I cancel, I'm letting down Rick, Bob and Frankie. 267 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,360 That is three people. 268 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,000 If you cancel, you're letting down two. 269 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,000 - Oh, for f... - Also, if I don't turn up, 270 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,520 the boys can't have a match, 271 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:41,920 whereas if you don't turn up, 272 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,160 Jilly and Susannah can still...drink coffee. 273 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,240 - I don't believe this. - Also, I really need a run around. 274 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,000 I mean, I have had an extremely stressful week at work. 275 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,000 YOU'VE had a stressful week at work?! 276 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,840 I've been working on telesales... 277 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,240 Yes, but you had a night out on Thursday, didn't you? 278 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,000 That was parents' evening! 279 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,600 I spent hours sitting around, 280 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,240 waiting to be told that it's great that Ben's so keen on the Aztecs 281 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,200 but he has to stop carving scenes of human sacrifice onto the desks! 282 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,720 Yes, but this tennis court is specifically booked for this morning, 283 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,280 whereas your coffee morning could be rescheduled. 284 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,080 I mean, booking these courts - they're like gold dust. 285 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,360 So, you're saying that your social life is more important than mine? 286 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:28,080 - No. No, I'm not saying that. - Yes, you are. 287 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,840 You're saying that four men playing tennis 288 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,920 is more important than three women having a coffee morning. 289 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,520 - Well, it is. - What? 290 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,320 A coffee morning isn't competitive. 291 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:41,360 It's not like, "Who can drink the frothiest coffees?" 292 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:45,640 But tennis is men fighting for victory, and that's more important. 293 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,920 Well, I don't know where he got that from. 294 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,000 Can't we get someone in to look after them? 295 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,480 At five minutes' notice? 296 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,880 What about old what's-her-name, the old lady up the road? 297 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:59,000 Joan? She won't do it. Her doctor's told her she mustn't do it again. 298 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,240 - Oh, yeah. - There's only one way to resolve this. We'll toss for it. 299 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,640 All right. 300 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,200 Tails, I get my coffee morning, 301 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,040 heads, you get your tennis. 302 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,840 - OK. - OK? 303 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,840 - It's best out of three. - What?! 304 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,320 Best out of three. 305 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,120 Best out of three? It's best of one. I've won. 306 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,720 So, what was this bloke's name? I didn't catch... 307 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:23,760 Lance. 308 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,280 Just moved in opposite Frankie, so he roped him in last minute. 309 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,520 Why did Bob pull out? 310 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,640 He double-booked himself with his wife on kids patrol, didn't he? 311 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,040 - What a pillock. - Yeah! 312 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,760 What a pillock. 313 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,520 OK, ready? 314 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,240 - Nice! - Out! 315 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:45,920 By about that much. 316 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,560 Maybe it was out. 317 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,040 15-0. 318 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,760 - Hi, Dad! - Hi, Dad! 319 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,080 Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry. 320 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,960 I'm sorry, Pete, but Melanie just called and her car's broken down, 321 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,600 so I'm going to have to take Jake plus Dean plus Luke to football. 322 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,160 - You've got to look after these two. - Can't someone else? 323 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,640 I've tried everybody. Honestly. 324 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,360 Got to go because Luke and Dean are at our place. 325 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,760 But I'm meant to be playing tennis. How do I keep them entertained? 326 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,080 Look, I've brought toys for them. 327 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:21,640 Ben! I told you not to bring this! It'll be fine. 328 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,440 This is not a practical arrangement. 329 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,560 They can have a game on one of these spare courts, 330 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,680 which are like gold dust, apparently. 331 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,920 - Bye! - How am I supposed to...? 332 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,000 Oh, she's good. 333 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,360 Right, kids, here we go. I've got some spare racquets here. 334 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,960 - Thanks, Rick. - You know Frankie, don't you? 335 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,840 - And that's Lance. - Oh, Lance. That is so cool. 336 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,800 You've got the name of a weapon. 337 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,320 I wanted to call myself Scimitar 338 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,920 but Dad said there'd be too much paperwork. 339 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,920 - Right. - You just play a nice game there. 340 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,520 See how long you can keep that up. 341 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,640 Are we ready? 15-0. 342 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,760 (SHRIEKS) 343 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:03,720 Karen...what are you doing? 344 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,880 Well, when professional tennis women play tennis, 345 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,680 every time they hit the ball they go "Ahhh!" 346 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,800 And then they sit down and eat a banana. 347 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,960 Yeah, well, Venus Williams might, but it's very distracting. 348 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,120 - So, if you can... - Why do they make that noise? 349 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,920 I mean, they're just hitting a tennis ball, 350 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,480 not, like, a rock or something made of osmium, 351 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,480 the heaviest metal known to man. 352 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,920 - Are we going to play tennis or not? - Yeah. Sorry. 353 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,240 15-0. 354 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,640 This is boring! 355 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:37,440 Look, do some drawing or something. 356 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,360 I've got an idea. Ben, why don't you be our ball boy? 357 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,280 - You know, like at Wimbledon. - OK. 358 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,200 And, Karen, you can be our umpire. 359 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,000 I don't think that's a very good idea. 360 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,560 - Is that the one who's in charge? - She tends to get a bit... 361 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,080 That's right, you're the ref. 362 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:55,640 What you do is, every time the ball hits the net you shout "Foul". 363 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:56,800 OK. 364 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,080 Wait! 365 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,840 Play! 366 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,480 Look, boys, look. Check these out. 367 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,480 Sorry about that, boys. I had to drop off Ben and Karen. 368 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,720 - Did you see those...? - ALL LAUGH 369 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,840 - Morning, Mrs Brockman. - Morning, Mrs Brockman. - Hi, boys. 370 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,320 Out! 371 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,400 - Out? - Yeah. 372 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,920 Well, what does our umpire say? 373 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,440 I shall have to consult Hawk-Eye. 374 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,000 Whoooo! 375 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,040 - In! - No, sweetheart, it wasn't. 376 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,960 Well, yeah, it was, because it bounced here. 377 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,280 And don't call me "sweetheart". 378 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,480 The umpire's word is final, Lance. 379 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,120 - I'm telling you, it was out. - Yeah, you can't face the truth. 380 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,600 - Are you going to...? - Karen, stop it. 381 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,480 You're saying, "I thought it was in" because you're a bad loser. 382 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,720 - And you're too competitive. - It really doesn't matter. 383 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:19,000 - Let's play a let. - What? But I'm the umpire! 384 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,640 - Karen... - I get to choose what we do. 385 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,440 - Book him. - Good idea. 386 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,720 - Daddy, you're booked. - Whoa! 387 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,320 - Whoa! - Ben, what are you doing? 388 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,920 A Mexican wave. Whoa! 389 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,360 You can't do a Mexican wave with just one person. 390 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,800 Yes, you can. You just have to keep running round the court. 391 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,760 Actually, I think the ball probably was in, Lance. 392 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,920 40-30 to you. 393 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,640 Thanks for the lift, Mrs Brockman. 394 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,360 Could you just hang on a second, Jakey? 395 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,680 - No, I've got to go play football. - No, this won't take a moment. 396 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:06,360 Jake...do you know what the objectification of women is? 397 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,000 Foreign film? 398 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,840 No, it's not a foreign film. 399 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:14,160 It's when a woman is seen just as an object or a commodity. 400 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,000 By men. 401 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,200 For instance, if a pretty girl walks by 402 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,920 and someone says, "Did you see those?" 403 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,160 Rather than, "Did you see her?" 404 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,280 That was abbreviating. 405 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,200 What? 406 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:32,720 You know. I said "those" as opposed to "those girls". 407 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,240 Because there was a pair of them. Girls. A pair of girls. 408 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,320 So I, um, said, "those" 409 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:45,880 much like you would say, "Watch out for those cars." 410 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:51,320 I think you might have confused me with a gullible idiot. 411 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,520 Yours! 412 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,200 Mine! 413 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,280 Yes! Yes. 414 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,040 - Game 2-1. - Out! 415 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,800 - What?! - That was out. 416 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,680 And that's a point to Daddy's team. 417 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:05,760 Oh, for f... 418 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,120 And another point to Daddy's team for bad language. 419 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,880 - I didn't swear! - You were going to. 420 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,520 - Yeah, you were going to say... - Ben! 421 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,680 - She can't dock points like that. - It's fine. 422 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,800 - Look, just ignore her. - You can't ignore me, I'm the referee. 423 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,800 - Karen... - And don't argue with me. 424 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,920 You've already been booked. 425 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,800 Again, I thought that probably did look out. 426 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,960 The ball was miles off. That bloke's blind. 427 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,560 - Ben! - Deuce it is, then. 428 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,000 Girls like to be admired! 429 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,600 They like to be admired, yes, 430 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,960 but as a person, not as a sexual object. 431 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,720 Does Britney Spears want that? 432 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,640 Look, Jake, all I'm saying is 433 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,400 I don't want you growing up into the kind of man 434 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,360 who talks to a woman without looking at their face. 435 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,400 You are such a hypocrite. 436 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,200 - Oh, you idiot! - Advantage us! 437 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:57,640 What is wrong with me today? 438 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,480 - Well, um, what star sign are you? - Pisces. 439 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,520 It's probably just a bad day for Pisces. 440 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:06,520 Mind you, Daddy's playing rubbish and he's Cancer. 441 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,040 Can we get on with it, please? 442 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,720 - Yes. Sorry. - Advantage us. Set point. 443 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,000 I am not a hypocrite! 444 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,080 Yes, you are! 445 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,800 I've heard you and your friends talk about that builder across the street. 446 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,400 Well... How did you hear that? 447 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,520 All giggling and cracking jokes about the size of his spanner. 448 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,040 Yeah, well, that was Melanie. That wasn't me. 449 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,440 And when you were rating his arse out of ten, 450 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,120 you were obviously just admiring him as a person. 451 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,560 Look, Jake, A, you shouldn't eavesdrop... 452 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,680 Eavesdrop? You were screeching like... 453 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:43,800 ..and, B, it was different because... 454 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,280 he didn't know we were looking at him. 455 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,760 - That's not the point. - Look, the point is... 456 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,280 The point is I'm late. See you later. 457 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,120 By the way, I said you could wash the kit. 458 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,360 Mine! 459 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,720 - Yes! - I thought that looked a bit wide. 460 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,160 It landed... 461 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,560 ..here. 462 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,000 See? Wide. 463 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,840 Yeah, but I saw it and it was good. Why believe her? 464 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:18,760 Believe me because my eyes are good because I'm young. 465 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,400 Karen... 466 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,960 Your eyes are more smaller and a bit wrinklier 467 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,160 and you can't see because you're quite old. 468 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,960 - Oh, this is a bloody joke! - Racquet abusement! 469 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,240 Two points to Daddy's team. 470 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,760 One for racquet abusement and another for swearing. 471 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,200 This is ridiculous. Something's going on here. 472 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,720 I've had four perfectly good points called out. 473 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,880 Yeah, by... How do you explain that, eh? 474 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,400 Maybe it's something to do with your star sign. 475 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:47,080 - Karen... - Are you Pisces or are you a Cancer? 476 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:51,120 - What? - Let's just play a let. First serve. 477 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,800 Why do they name a star sign after a disease, like cancer? 478 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,040 Yeah, do you mind? 479 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,480 - It's only a word. There's nothing to be afraid of. - Ben! 480 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,040 - Ben! - I'm just saying it. 481 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:05,840 Please! 482 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:08,920 Thank you. 483 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,720 - Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. - Ben! 484 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,280 Oh, come on. This is out of order. 485 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,560 - Eh? - He's obviously playing mind games. 486 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,920 - He's nine. - He knows what he's doing. 487 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,360 Like her. She sees what she wants to see. 488 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,040 Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's rich. 489 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,560 Sorry? 490 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,800 Are you calling me a cheat? 491 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,440 Uh, yeah, I am calling you a cheat. 492 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,440 Ha! Listen, matey. I don't have to cheat to beat you. 493 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,000 - Lance. - I played for my county. 494 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,600 Which county was that? Wankershire? 495 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,600 - Oh! Yeah, come on. - Lance, it's all right. 496 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,520 - Leave it. - I'm ready. 497 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,120 - Rick. - Lance. 498 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,320 Get off! (GRUNTS) 499 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,600 Get off me! 500 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:01,160 - BEN CHUCKLES - Wait! Just leave him. 501 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,360 - LANCE GRUNTS - Rick! 502 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:05,040 Oh, Jesus! 503 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,520 I think the world is unfair to women. 504 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,360 Well, absolutely. I think you're right. 505 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,120 Often it is. 506 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,280 Because women can't grow moustaches or beards. 507 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,680 Do you want to grow a beard? 508 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:25,080 Well, I might want to be a... a tugboat captain 509 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,880 or a...a...an ayatollah. 510 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,640 Well, you'd make a very good ayatollah. 511 00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:35,400 But women can do things men can't. Women can have babies. 512 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,680 Yes, but I'd rather have a moustache than a baby 513 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,040 cos then you could just shave it off if...if...you change your mind 514 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,800 and you can't do that with a baby. 515 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:44,840 Ahhh! 516 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,760 Ow! Ben, I've told you not to fire that in the house. 517 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,840 Don't shoot things at people. 518 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,560 Can I grow a beard when I'm older, like Eric Bloodaxe or Blackbeard? 519 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,760 - I'm sure you can grow a beard. - It'd be really cool. 520 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,880 Cos Blackbeard used to put fireworks in it and... 521 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,160 Why did he have...? 522 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,880 And sparklers and matches and it would be, like, pfft! 523 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,120 There would be an element of danger in that. 524 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,840 I think that might raise a few health and safety issues. 525 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,600 If you had a really long beard, like Blackbeard, 526 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,000 you could put little animals in there, 527 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,480 so whenever you had an enemy walking up to you, 528 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,560 a ferret would pop out of your beard and bite him. 529 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,760 So, you'd have them trained... 530 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,280 Or you could have a spitting cobra, 531 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,000 which has been painted to make it look like part of your beard 532 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,880 and then it goes...thark! 533 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,680 TV ANNOUNCER: Bring on the wall! 534 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,600 - Bring on the wall? - I like this. 535 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,040 Yes, but how's that entertainment? 536 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,080 It's funny, isn't it? 537 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,200 Vanessa Feltz being hit by a real wall - that would be entertainment. 538 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,360 It's not every day you get to see someone really fat 539 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:45,080 stuck into a really tight Lycra costume. 540 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,640 Then they get pushed into the water. 541 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,400 It's entertainment, Dad, just face it. 542 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:53,280 What, people who can't even work out the shape they have to be 543 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,600 to get through a large hole in a wall? 544 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,160 No, it's not that they can't work it out 545 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:58,680 but if they're sort of a metre wide 546 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,760 and the gap is only, like, 50cm wide, 547 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,800 then it's just, you know, physics, isn't it? 548 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,400 They're not going to fit through. 549 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,640 I'm not accepting that that is physics, Jake. 550 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:10,200 Maybe it's not physics. I couldn't think of what to call it. 551 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,440 Cos you watch too many programmes like this. 552 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,920 - SIGHS - Bring on the wall? Bring on an early death. 553 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,840 - What else is on? - No, Dad, don't change... 554 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:21,040 What's that? 555 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,680 Doctor Who. 556 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,240 That's not Doctor Who. 557 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,160 It's The Making Of Doctor Who. Same thing. 558 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,920 Oh, no, not another Making Of programme. 559 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,960 Or you could have a chameleon which looks like part of your beard. 560 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,040 Or you could have a scorpion, 561 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,320 and it just scuttles out and goes like that and it goes...pfft! 562 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:41,080 So, you would fill your beard with attack animals? 563 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:45,160 Don't put that in your gun cos that's a dangerous missile. 564 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,360 Oh, all right. 565 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,360 If you fired that out, you'd really hurt someone. 566 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,680 What happens if your hair grows really, really long, 567 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,160 like down to your feet, 568 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,400 and then it grows its own personality 569 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,600 and it starts attacking you and controlling you? 570 00:25:58,600 --> 00:25:59,840 SIGHS 571 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,360 What is wrong with Making Of programmes, Dad? 572 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,480 Because television is like a pork pie. 573 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,640 Fantastic, but you don't want to know what goes in them. 574 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,000 - But you just... - I'm going to see what else is on. 575 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,760 Dad, why do you always change the channel when something good comes on? 576 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,840 - GROANS - Oh, Spooks. 577 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,880 - That's a good show as well. - It's not realistic. 578 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,360 None of the agents has ever got pissed 579 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,520 and left a top-secret dossier on a train. 580 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,880 I drawed some pictures of you. 581 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,400 Right. 582 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,680 - They're of you playing tennis. - Lovely. 583 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,840 - This is you holding a racquet. - Oh, yeah. 584 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,720 And this is that man biting your friend's knee 585 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,400 and him saying, "Ouch, ouch, ouchy!" 586 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,920 Although, that's not actually what he said. 587 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,040 - No, I know. - He actually said... 588 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,120 What's that up in the sky? 589 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,320 That's a dragon. 590 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,880 Being ridden by Barack Obama? 591 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,000 Yes. He's coming to arrest all of you. 592 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,920 Right. 593 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:58,960 - Come on, Karen. Time for bed. - All right, all right. Don't bang on. 594 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,160 I wasn't...banging on! 595 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:03,680 CHANGES CHANNEL 596 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:12,800 "Real men don't fight. They're man enough to control themselves." 597 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,360 I didn't fight. I was restraining them. 598 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:18,960 Ben says you gave this bloke a crafty elbow in the ribs. 599 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,440 That was an... accidental collision... 600 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,160 while I was restraining them. 601 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:27,680 That's pathetic. 602 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,920 Four grown men. What are you watching? 603 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,440 Oh, it's Simon Cowell being rude to a mentally ill person. 604 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,600 - Right. - CHANGES CHANNEL 605 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:41,240 I tried having a word with Jake about his attitude towards women. 606 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:46,600 And I'm...I'm so depressed by the way everybody just automatically... 607 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,000 DOORBELL RINGS 608 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,200 ..slots themselves into these stupid sexual stereotypes. 609 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,920 It's prehistoric. 610 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:58,440 Back as promised. 611 00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,840 I've actually got a copy 612 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,640 of what the council laughably call their Traffic Calming Programme. 613 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,160 Would you like me to talk you through it? 614 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,680 That's going to be too technical for my girlie brain. 615 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,600 This is man's talk. I'll go and get my hubby. 616 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:15,120 - Oh. - Peter! 617 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,720 It's for you, darling.