1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,520 Ooh! Karen, have you turned off the hot water again? 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:06,240 Don't you want to save polar bears? 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,880 HE GROANS 4 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,480 - Ah! Die, infidel dog! - Ben. 5 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,320 - Ah! - I've got a bit of a headache. 6 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,800 So if you could just go easy on the deafening roaring, it would be... 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,040 Why is your face grey? 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,720 I've just... 9 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:29,480 You look like somebody's shaded you in with a pencil. 10 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:33,640 I'm just... If you... Just keep it down, OK? 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,560 Karen, I can't hear any movement. 12 00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,240 Oh! Just... 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,280 You haven't developed OCD, have you? 14 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,800 No. The estate agent rang. 15 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,000 We've finally got a nibble, 16 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,800 and there's a couple coming round this afternoon, 17 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:55,880 so I've got to make this place clean and tidy and presentable. 18 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,080 Yeah, well, good luck with that. 19 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,120 You're practising for a game called Crusades? 20 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,360 Yeah, at break time, I'm going to be Richard the Lionheart, 21 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,320 Ibrahim's going to be Saladin, 22 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,920 and all the girls are going to play the innocent civilians... 23 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,440 who get massacred. 24 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,320 Right. 25 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:23,400 You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long. 26 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,600 You know, the one with the shaky hand 27 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,040 and who always used to cry for no reason. 28 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:34,760 This is solid! Oh, God. 29 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:39,400 Ben hasn't been mixing cement in the sink again, has he? 30 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,160 The kitchen is very messy, Mummy. 31 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,720 Yes, I know that, thank you. That's why I... 32 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,440 Karen! You're still in your pyjamas! 33 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,200 - Come on! Chop chop. - No, I'm not going to school today. 34 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,720 Oh, don't be stupid, darling. 35 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,520 I'm not being stupid. Watch my lips. 36 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:59,440 - I am not going to school today. - Oh, really? And why is that? 37 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,440 Because I'm scared. 38 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:05,880 Scared? 39 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,080 Rahh! 40 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,280 HE IMITATES GUNFIRE 41 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,320 - Dad? - Yes? 42 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:14,840 What's the point of living? 43 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,760 - The point of...? - Yeah. 44 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,200 Why do we live? 45 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,480 Well...I don't know. 46 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:22,960 I've got a head... 47 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,520 That is an enormous question 48 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:30,200 that has puzzled mankind down through the ages. 49 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,760 OK. Just asking. 50 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,000 SHAVER BUZZES 51 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,360 HE GROANS 52 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,280 Why are you scared, Karen? You like going to school. 53 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,720 Yes, but today I'm staying at home, 54 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,920 because that way nothing bad can happen to me. 55 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,280 Well, what do you mean, sweetheart? 56 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,200 Nothing bad's going to happen to you. 57 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,440 Why should anything bad happen to you? 58 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,560 Because today is Friday the 13th. 59 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:03,240 No, darling. That's just a silly superstition. 60 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,320 Nothing bad is going to happen. 61 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,640 But something bad has already happened. My goldfish died. 62 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:12,040 Er... That was on Monday. 63 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,440 Yes, the Monday in the same week as Friday the 13th. 64 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,000 - Oh, that's ridiculous! - It's not ridiculous. 65 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:23,440 Oh, Friday the 13th is not an especially unlucky day. It's just... 66 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,480 Tell that to Mrs B. 67 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,160 Her husband dropped dead in Woolworths on Friday the 13th. 68 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,280 Are you saying that's not unlucky? 69 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:34,840 Well, no, dropping dead is quite unlucky. But... 70 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,800 And it was unlucky for Woolworths as well, 71 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,680 because not long after that they closed. 72 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,560 - But that was the recess... - Listen, Karen. 73 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,320 Mrs B is a very nice, kind, old lady. 74 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,480 She just happens to be very superstitious. 75 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,240 - Yes, but she knows stuff. - And some of what she says... 76 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,600 And she told me all the things that can bring bad luck. 77 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:57,040 Whistling in the house, which you do all the time, 78 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,120 and it's probably why my goldfish died. 79 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:04,280 - Karen, there is no connection between... - No, because... 80 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,040 ..the death of a fish and me whistling occasionally. 81 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,280 When Ben broke the mirror, 82 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,680 the same day he cut his foot. 83 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,120 Because the mirror fell on his foot. 84 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,480 And you're always opening umbrellas in the house, 85 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:20,800 and that's probably why you can't clean up all this mess. 86 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,480 I can't keep the kitchen clean, because you lot create such a... 87 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,680 - Karen, look... - I'm not going to school! 88 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:31,880 - MOBILE PHONE BEEPS You are going to school! Now go and get dressed. - Oh, no. 89 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,800 Don't make me go to school. If you don't believe in bad luck... 90 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,560 What's all this about? 91 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,320 She's refusing to go to school, because it's Friday the 13th, 92 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,680 and she thinks something bad's going to happen. 93 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,280 Something bad will happen. Mrs B told me. 94 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,680 Right. That's the last time she comes to baby sit. 95 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,080 Well, let's not be hasty, Pete. 96 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,080 Mrs B is a good baby sitter. 97 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,480 She's great with the kids and very calm. 98 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,120 And she's old and lonely, so she's always available. 99 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,920 - Yes, but... - I like it when Mrs B comes. 100 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,440 She shows me how to bake cakes 101 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,120 and she reads me lovely bedtime stories... 102 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,360 See? 103 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:09,840 And last time she came, she brought her tarot cards, and Ben got Death. 104 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:13,200 - Yeah, that was cool. - Look, you're going to school. 105 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:17,440 Look, it's just another day. Nothing especially bad is going to happen. 106 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,520 How can you say that? 107 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,960 You've already been sick this morning, in the toilet. 108 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,640 Has he? 109 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,120 - Yeah, he was going... - SHE RETCHES 110 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,560 - "Jesus. Oh, God..." - SHE RETCHES 111 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,640 - "Oh, my God, I feel terrible." - SHE RETCHES 112 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,240 - Yes, that's enough... - "Oh, God, I..." - SHE RETCHES 113 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,600 - "Oh, Jesus. " - OK. All right. 114 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,600 Oh, that's so unfair. I wish I had seen that. 115 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:42,560 And I think Jesus only helps poor people with diseases. 116 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:47,280 I don't think he helps people with bad tummies on Friday the 13th. 117 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,840 Were there carrots in it or, like, were there any peas in it? 118 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,960 - OK. - Listen, you two... 119 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,280 That's why I don't eat vegetables. 120 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,600 Dad throwing up has nothing to do with today being Friday the 13th. 121 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,000 All that happened was last night he went to a leaving do, 122 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,960 got paralytic, staggered home in the early hours of the morning 123 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,960 and fell into bed stinking like a brewery. 124 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,280 That's right, isn't it, Mum? 125 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,080 Karen? Karen, look at me. 126 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,840 You're safe to go into school today, 127 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:13,960 cos I promise you 128 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,240 that Friday the 13th is no more dangerous than any other day. 129 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,320 All right? 130 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,840 OK. 131 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,680 That's not strictly true, 132 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,480 because Friday the 13th is more dangerous, 133 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,360 because it was Friday the 13th when all those teenagers got killed. 134 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:30,400 See? 135 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:34,440 - They were all camping by a lake... - Ben, that's a film. 136 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,960 And Friday the 13th in the same lake a few years ago... 137 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,160 - It's a film. - ..a boy had murdered his mother. 138 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,040 And then his mum's spirit comes to present day... 139 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,880 - Film. - ..and murdered all the teenagers. 140 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,880 - Ben! - All that happened on Friday the 13th. 141 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,720 So I shouldn't go to school either. 142 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,800 Ben, it's a movie, it's not... 143 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,040 Hang on, when did he see Friday The 13th? 144 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,840 It's way too scary for a 9 year old. 145 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,720 It's not that scary. 146 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:00,520 But when did...? 147 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,560 Maisie's sleepover. 148 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,560 Oh, for...! Karen, go and get changed for school. 149 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,440 No, I'm not going and I mean it. 150 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,480 And I mean it! 151 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,240 I'm just not in the mood, OK? 152 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,000 So last night was worth it, was it? 153 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,120 Oh, it was OK. 154 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,400 How come you got so wrecked? It's years since you've done that. 155 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:29,200 Oh, I don't know. I got ambushed by these bright green cocktails. 156 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,520 Oh, well, that explains the toilet. 157 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,480 It's stupid. It's not doing my stomach any good. 158 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,080 What time did you get in? 159 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,240 Oh, I don't know. Three-ish? 160 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,440 I did text you about midnight to tell you I was going to be late. 161 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,880 Oh, is that what it said? 162 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,400 Well, it's difficult to text when you're drunk. 163 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,840 You lose control of your thumbs. 164 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,080 Yeah. The last bit had nine consecutive Ws. 165 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,880 Sorry. 166 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,840 You upset me when you shouted at me. 167 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,160 Did I? 168 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:02,840 Karen? Karen, I know you're dawdling deliberately. 169 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,440 I'm looking for my shoes, OK? 170 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,600 Well, could they be these shoe shaped objects 171 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:08,960 here in the middle of the room? 172 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,120 Rahh! 173 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,560 How am I going to get this place tidied before they come to view it? 174 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,080 Have you explained to the people yet 175 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,960 that whatever happens I'll not be moving 176 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,160 and I'll be staying on in my room? 177 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,000 No, I thought I'd let that be a lovely surprise. 178 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,160 Go and get dressed. 179 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,040 When we move, can we move to Australia, 180 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,600 because Australia's brilliant and they've got the two step spider, 181 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,560 because it bites you and then when you walk two steps, you die. 182 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,200 Don't oversell it, now. 183 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,200 Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos keep cool in the desert? 184 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,640 - No. - They cover themself in their own saliva. 185 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:45,880 Eugh! 186 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,400 If we move to Australia, we could buy a kangaroo 187 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:52,160 and then we could bottle its saliva and use it instead of suntan lotion. 188 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,760 Bottle kangaroo saliva? 189 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,320 It would be better at airports, 190 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,520 because they always take your sun cream and then glare at you a bit 191 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,200 and then they give it back to you. 192 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,360 Yeah. 193 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,680 But if you've got the kangaroo with you, they can't take the kangaroo, 194 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,760 cos the kangaroo doesn't want to be taken. 195 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,200 So you take the kangaroo to the airport...? 196 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,400 What's this you're printing? 197 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,560 It's just, um, a really interesting website I found on the internet 198 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:17,240 about how the attack on the Twin Towers was, like, orchestrated by George Bush. 199 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,560 It's for my history project. 200 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,800 Yeah, well, that's not really history, as such, is it? 201 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,120 That's more sort of, er...bollocks. 202 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:29,000 You don't seriously sign up for this rubbish, do you? 203 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,600 - Well, I'm not sure it makes total sense, no, but... - Thank you. 204 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,640 ..you've got to admit there's something weird 205 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,400 about the way those towers collapsed. 206 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,320 And there's this other spider which hides under your toilet seat 207 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,400 and then when you go to the toilet, it jumps out and bites you. 208 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:46,760 And going to the toilet is quite boring, but this makes it much more exciting. 209 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:51,960 Hang on, there's a slice of pizza down here! Is that yours? 210 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,600 Is it a margherita? 211 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,320 Er...no. 212 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,800 Ah, then it's not mine. 213 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,760 - No, Dad, that is crap. - Wait, hang on. 214 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,280 How do these people 215 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:06,080 at I'll-believe-anything- because-I'm-a-gullible-idiot.com 216 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,400 explain the fact that Osama bin Laden 217 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:13,240 went on television and said that he had attacked the Twin Towers? 218 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,880 Ah, but did he? 219 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,800 Yes. Yes, he did. DOORBELL RINGS 220 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,640 - Jake...can you get that? - But the CIA could have easily... 221 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,600 It'll be Melanie. She's going to take them to school 222 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,800 so I've more time to get this straight. 223 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:29,000 When are you going to hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom? 224 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,400 Um...Monday. Why? 225 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,000 Can you ask if you can keep the film? 226 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,360 - Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell. - Show and t...? 227 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,840 No. I don't want everyone in your school knowing about my colonoscopy. 228 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,480 They already know. Karen put it on Facebook. 229 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,560 But... 230 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,880 And Mum told all the other mums at pick-up time. 231 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,120 Well, not all the mums. 232 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,160 Well, it's not a secret, is it? 233 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,000 No, I'd just rather it wasn't the lead item on the news. 234 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,560 Hi, Jake. 235 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,880 - Hi, Melanie. They're on their way. - Oh, right. 236 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,320 - Hi, Kelly. How's it going? - So, how are you? 237 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,920 Fine. 238 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,040 I hear you're turning into a bit of a star striker. 239 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,800 Look, see, Libra's facing unexpected difficulties. 240 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,200 That's proof that I shouldn't go to school today. 241 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,000 It's astrology. It's not proof of anything except human stupidity. 242 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,720 - Now, come on, move it. - You'll regret this! 243 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,480 What happens if you send me to school, 244 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:28,080 and then on the way I get ripped apart by ferocious huge bears? 245 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,320 You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you? 246 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,800 Yep, I'd be in pieces. 247 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,000 And so would you. Keep moving. 248 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,760 Thanks, Mel. You're a lifesaver. 249 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,640 Come on, Jake, shift yourself. You'll be late. 250 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,760 - Come on, we've got to leave. Come on, Ben. - Shift! 251 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:43,920 Yeah, sorry? 252 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,240 And put your tongue in. We don't want you tripping over it. 253 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,400 - Hi, Melanie! - Hiya. 254 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:52,840 Don't forget your masterpiece on how Bush destroyed the Twin Towers. 255 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,480 Oh, God. All that conspiracy stuff's pretty daft, isn't it? 256 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,040 At last, the voice of reason. 257 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,200 Mind you, there was something a bit weird 258 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,200 about the way those towers collapsed. 259 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,040 - Ah! - There, see? 260 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,760 Ben, don't go rushing off on your own! 261 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:12,200 We don't want another letter from the social services. 262 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,080 Good luck with the colonoscopy, Pete. 263 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,360 My brother had one, said it was fine. See ya! 264 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,240 I expect she saw that on Ceefax. 265 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,360 - See ya. - Bye! 266 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,600 Get the crossbow, cos we need to win this war! 267 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,440 Oh, my God. 268 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,960 Hiya! 269 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,400 - Sorry, wrong house. - This took me seven hours. 270 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,840 Seven hours? 271 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,680 Yeah, well, I lost the first hour working out where to start, 272 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,120 but I soon got cracking 273 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,600 and I found an old wasps' nest, 274 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,040 your missing passport that we had to replace 275 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,600 and two German road signs. 276 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,880 Cleaning Ben's room alone took me three hours. 277 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:12,320 You cleaned Ben's room? My God! 278 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,440 That place looked like... the apocalypse. 279 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,400 Where did you put all his crap? 280 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:23,120 Right. 281 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,000 How was school? 282 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,960 Oh, we had the police in with some handwriting experts 283 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,280 after the latest death threat to the headmaster. 284 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:35,000 I mean, personally, I don't think it could have been one of our pupils 285 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,320 who wrote the death threats, because the grammar's too good, 286 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:42,560 and the word "disembowel" is spelt correctly. 287 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,840 It's probably one of the teachers... 288 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,000 ..like last time. 289 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,080 - Ow. - Are you all right? 290 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,760 Yeah, it's just some clown clattered into me last night 291 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,560 during the dancing. 292 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,200 Dancing? You hate dancing. 293 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,600 No, but I was too drunk to remember that. 294 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,120 Well, you didn't even dance at our wedding. 295 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,760 - What sort of dancing was it? - What? 296 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,120 Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing... 297 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,360 It was just dancing to music. I don't know. 298 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,640 All right, all right, I was just asking... 299 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,800 DOORBELL RINGS 300 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,400 ..what sort of dancing it was. 301 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,760 MOBILE PHONE BEEPS 302 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,160 - Hi, guys! - On to Jerusalem! 303 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:27,880 Stay out of the kitchen! 304 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,440 So, Karen, did anything bad happen today? 305 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,960 There's still time. 306 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,960 Stay out of the kitchen! Thanks for that, Mel. 307 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,920 - Were they OK? - Oh, no problem. 308 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,440 Oh, Ben's teacher said can she have a word with you tomorrow. 309 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,240 Something about him and Ibrahim 310 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,800 - kettling all the girls in the lower playground. - Oh, not again! 311 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,320 What the hell have you done to my room? 312 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,640 It's full of...floor. 313 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,680 It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it. 314 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,680 - I'll go in the kitchen, then. - And the kitchen. 315 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,600 Stay out of that too. 316 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,560 You can go in there, but don't touch anything. 317 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,000 - Would you like to come in? - No, that's fine. 318 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,960 - Good luck with your buyers. - Thank you. 319 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,560 Well, well, well, Karen. 320 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:11,440 Friday the 13th successfully negotiated 321 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,480 and miraculously you remain unsavaged by bears. 322 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:19,320 Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky? Where did all that come from? 323 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,880 - I think it's something to do with the Last Supper, isn't it? - Eh? 324 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,920 Well, at Jesus's last supper, Judas made 13 at the table 325 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,840 and Judas betrayed Jesus who was then crucified, and I think... 326 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:31,960 See, see, see? 327 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,160 He was crucified. I don't think you can get unluckier than that. 328 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,040 - No, but... - You can... 329 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,920 if you get crucified by accident. 330 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,280 Just imagine, it's a really lovely day, 331 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,400 and suddenly your shoelaces untie, and you're walking 332 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,080 and then you just go, like... 333 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,720 "Whoa!" You fall on a cross with nails sticking out of it 334 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,880 and then you crucify yourself by accident. 335 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,560 But it'd be really bad if you just... 336 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,280 We may have gone off on a bit of a tangent. 337 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,640 Hiya! 338 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,360 - Hi. - Ah... 339 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,400 - Um... - Here. 340 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,840 No, please, just, um, let me do it. 341 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,520 - It's all right. - No, it's fine. 342 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,960 No, it's OK. I don't mind. 343 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,520 Here. There you go. 344 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,200 - Thanks. - Bye. 345 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,280 Listen, Karen. 346 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:25,280 Jesus was not crucified on Friday the 13th. 347 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,840 - It was a Friday, though, wasn't it? - Yeah, it was Good Friday. 348 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:32,480 Good Friday? That's a weird name for a day when somebody gets crucified. 349 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,160 It should have been called something like Ouchy Friday 350 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,320 - or Oh No I'm Being Crucified Friday or... - Ouchy Friday? 351 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,760 So what date was it when Jesus got killed? 352 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,680 Well, no one knows. 353 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,480 So it could have been Friday the 13th. 354 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,880 - No. Well, technically, if you... - I bet it was. 355 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,840 That's just the sort of thing that would happen, 356 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,600 especially as Jesus was a Capricorn. 357 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,240 Oh, for heaven's sake! 358 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,840 But he was born on Christmas Day. 359 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,440 - That makes him a Capricorn. - DOOR SLAMS 360 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:04,240 Jake, don't go in the kitchen. It's temporarily out of bounds. 361 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,960 - What, because of the bird? - Sorry? 362 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:11,160 - Yeah, there's a bird in here. - A bird?! 363 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,600 Oh, no! For God's sake! 364 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,200 - Awesome! - Oh, my God. 365 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,640 - CHILDREN SHRIEK - All right, all right, everyone. 366 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,000 Look, just stay calm, don't panic. It's just a pigeon. 367 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,200 What the hell is it doing in my kitchen?! 368 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,560 Probably come in from the garden. 369 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,720 Well, I didn't think it arrived by email. 370 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,080 - My God, there it is. - Oh, my God! There it is! 371 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,800 - It's all right. Just calm down. Calm down! - It's an omen! 372 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:38,840 - Ben! - What? 373 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,560 Mrs B told me that if there's a bird in the house, 374 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,080 there's going to be a death. 375 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,280 Karen, that's just... 376 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,680 - One for sorrow. - That's magpies, Karen. 377 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,080 Yeah, and this is a pigeon. Can we keep him? 378 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:53,680 - Of course we can't keep it. - Come on. Come on, Mr Pigeon! 379 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,880 We need to corral it out the way it came in. 380 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,600 It's only got one escape route. 381 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,880 Well, I'm going up to my room. I do not want to be the one who dies. 382 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,240 She's a real team player, isn't she? 383 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,840 What's wrong with him? Why's he staying in here? 384 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:11,600 There's gardens out there with trees and grass and sky... 385 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,840 Perhaps he's agoraphobic. 386 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,720 It's not funny, Pete. 387 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,600 He's crapped on the computer. 388 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,840 - And that's not funny either. - Yes, it is. 389 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,800 We've got people coming to look at the house in a few moments. 390 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,560 All right, all right, calm down. 391 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,320 No, because the conventional way to greet a potential buyer 392 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,880 is with the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread, 393 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,200 not...pigeon plop! 394 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,040 - Pigeon plop! - Mum, don't worry. 395 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,160 I've spent all day cleaning this kitchen! 396 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,760 - I've an idea. - We don't need an idea. 397 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,480 You see, David Attenborough says 398 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,520 that pigeons have a bit of magnetism in their brain, 399 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,640 and that's how they get home - 400 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,400 they track the earth's magnetic field... 401 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,760 You go around from that side. 402 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,560 If I sit out in the garden with a massive magnet, 403 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,600 I'd be able to suck him out the kitchen. 404 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,000 - Mum, calm down. - We just inch slowly... 405 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,000 - Do we have a massive magnet? - No! 406 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,520 We don't have a bloody massive magnet! 407 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,520 Don't shout, because you'll just upset... 408 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,080 CRASH! 409 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,800 Oh, Jesus! 410 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,960 There's marbles all over the floor! 411 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,200 I'm sure if we leave it alone, it'll fly out on its own in the end. 412 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,160 No, it's no big deal. There are three of us. 413 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,800 Look, we could just herd it towards... 414 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,320 What's that? 415 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,320 - WHISPERS: - It's a picture of a cat. - Oh, for God's... 416 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:24,600 Ben, this isn't really a four man job. Why don't you go and play in your bedroom? 417 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,000 - I can't. It feels weird. - Ben, just... 418 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,600 - DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it. 419 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,160 Oh, my God. That'll be them. 420 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,240 All right, don't panic. 421 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,840 Right. You stall them. Show them the rest of the house, 422 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,360 Jake and I will stay and we'll try and get rid of that thing. 423 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,320 Or we could just explain it to them. 424 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,880 Pete, I've spent hours, invested hours... 425 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,560 - Have you come to buy the house? - Well, possibly. 426 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,720 Well, you should cos it's fantastic, especially if you're a kid. 427 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,880 There's loads of brilliant places you can hide for hours, 428 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,960 until the adults start panicking and screaming out your name. 429 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,000 Right. 430 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,240 And the most important thing is while you're here arguing, 431 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,520 Ben is talking to them! 432 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,680 Oh, my...! 433 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,280 And another interesting thing is in the basement... 434 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,680 Sorry about that. Hi. I'm Pete. 435 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,800 - Tony. Fiona. - Hi. This is Ben. 436 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,000 Yes, he's been telling us all about the house. 437 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,280 Has he? What's he been saying? 438 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,200 - It's a fantastic house for kids. - Oh, yes, of course. 439 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,280 Well, would you like the tour? 440 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,440 - This is Karen. - You can buy this house if you want. 441 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,560 But I intend to stay living here. 442 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,840 - Oh, right. - It wasn't my idea to move. 443 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,760 I wasn't consulted. 444 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,560 I'm sure your mummy and daddy always try and do what's best for you. 445 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,360 No, I don't think so. 446 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,360 This morning my daddy didn't even seem to care 447 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,840 that I could have been torn apart by ferocious bears. 448 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,240 No... That's not...that's not true. 449 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,480 It's a long story. She was... 450 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,320 Shall we start upstairs? 451 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:02,440 It's just a bird. 452 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,720 Now the stupid thing's nesting on top of my fridge! 453 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,880 Mum, if we panic it, it might hurt itself. 454 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,840 What is this - Pigeon Concern Week? 455 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:14,160 If I...if I throw this hat on top of it, maybe we can... 456 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,640 No! It's bad luck to throw a hat. Mrs B told me. 457 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:20,960 - No, she didn't. - Well, it was something about hats. 458 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,200 Um...it might have been never throw a hat on a gypsy or... 459 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,840 - She's doing my head in. - Or never give money to Albanians. 460 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,320 Then that's not superstition, that's racism. 461 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,800 - And it's green! That's unlucky! - Karen! 462 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,400 Well, the neighbours are nice, transport's good. What else? 463 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,200 - Are you OK, love? - Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff. 464 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:44,640 - Do you want a glass of water? - I would actually, yes. Thanks. 465 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,560 That boy is very special. 466 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,320 Yes, that's the word his teachers keep using. 467 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,280 You two go on up. I'll just sit here for a sec. 468 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,960 - Are you sure? - OK, Tony. Up we go. 469 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,320 OK, well, this is the third floor. It's just more bedrooms, really. 470 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,720 Ooh, the baby's kicking. 471 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,720 So you're definitely having a baby. 472 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,960 Only I don't like to ask. Not since I upset that big fat lady. 473 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,360 Oh...oh, right. 474 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,520 So your husband's black. 475 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,480 Um...yes. 476 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,120 But you're white. 477 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,080 So your baby could be black or white. 478 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,640 Um, well, yes. Or most likely something in between. 479 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:23,960 But not stripy. 480 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,400 No, I don't think I'd like a stripy baby. 481 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:27,920 Be harder to lose. 482 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,960 Y-Yeah, that's true... 483 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,440 Cos they sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals. 484 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,160 Sometimes. Not often. 485 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,160 Could you have a black and white spotty baby? 486 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:40,480 - Um...it doesn't really work that way. - But you could call him Spot. 487 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,240 Um, yeah. We were thinking Peter, but, er, yeah... 488 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,280 - You could have a zigzag baby. - ..it could be the middle name. 489 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,800 Or a black and white chequered baby. Or puzzle pieces. 490 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,840 - Um, again, I don't think so, no. - Triangles! 491 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,680 I think it's probably going to be just the one colour... 492 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,560 Or you could have a football marking, 493 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,000 like those big hexagons all over its body. 494 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,200 But Mrs B said... 495 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,600 Look, Karen, I tell you what, 496 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,960 you make yourself useful by picking up all those marbles off the floor. 497 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,840 - But I didn't spill them. - I'm not saying you spilt them. 498 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,880 - But who spilt them? Cos... - It doesn't matter who spilt them. 499 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,120 But whoever spilt them should clean them up. 500 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:16,240 - Well, I'm asking you. It doesn't matter... - Yes, it does matter! 501 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,840 Because say there was this massive ship carrying all this oil and... 502 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:21,160 Karen! 503 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,680 ..and then someone spilt it all 504 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,400 and made all the puffins all sticky and gooey and horrible 505 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,800 and then they said, 506 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,120 "It doesn't matter who spilt it. Karen, you go clean up." 507 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,520 - It does matter! - Karen, please! 508 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,720 But if babies were stripy and spotty, 509 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,320 then there would be no racism, would there? 510 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,760 Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it? 511 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,880 Or maybe the spotty people would fight the stripy people 512 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,560 and the chequered people, 513 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,800 and they'd just have great big wars over stripy and spotty and stuff. 514 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,880 I don't think it's going to happen, but... 515 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,520 - I just need you to help me. - It's their responsibility! 516 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,160 You need to do Mummy a favour. 517 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,600 - But if... - You have to help me out here. Just pick up the marbles. 518 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,040 But it's like you hammering a nail into Daddy's head 519 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,240 and then saying to Jake, "Go on, get it out!" 520 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,600 - And you did it! - Oh, my word. 521 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,440 Are you going to hospital to have the baby? 522 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,160 I'm not really a big fan of hospitals. 523 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,760 I don't mind the hospital. The nurses all know me. 524 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,000 They've got special tongs 525 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,120 for pulling memory sticks out of your throat. 526 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,440 Well, I think I'm going to have my baby at home. 527 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,800 - The lady across the road did that. - Oh, right. 528 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,120 Yeah, she screamed all night. I didn't know what was going on. 529 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,160 I thought there was a fox that had its paw stuck in a trap, 530 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,760 and it was trying to bite its leg off to get free. 531 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,960 - Oh, right. - There was loads of blood, apparently. 532 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,880 Dad said they had to get the whole bedroom redecorated. 533 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:41,200 - Um, can I have some more water, do you think? - No problem. 534 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,800 I bet it was you who spilt the marbles. 535 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,040 Oh, shush! He just needs one more little nudge. 536 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:50,960 I think... Hang on. If I get this and I... 537 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880 - No! - I can just push him out. 538 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,120 That's the most worst luck, to open an umbrella inside! 539 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,760 - Oh, don't be daft. - And it's green! Are you mad?! 540 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:00,800 ARGUING CONTINUES 541 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,560 I mean, you know I'm biased, but it's got a lovely feel about it. 542 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,360 It's a very happy house. 543 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:09,520 Will you shut the hell up about it being green, 544 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,680 or I'll ram it down your throat! 545 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,240 ARGUING CONTINUES 546 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,400 The lounge. 547 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:21,200 I told you! Mummy, stop nagging me! 548 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:24,520 Well, ring bloody ChildLine, then. See if I care. 549 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,280 This is the lounge. 550 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,320 Look, you've upset me and you've upset the bird! 551 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,680 - I'm sorry I lost it, but you keep banging on about... - But you upset me! 552 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,320 Look, everyone just... 553 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,800 THUD 554 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,240 Oh, hell. 555 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,480 There are good schools. 556 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,920 There's a GP surgery on the corner, also good. 557 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,000 Yeah, the doctor's really cool. 558 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,560 He said they had to put a camera up Dad's bottom, 559 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,600 and we're going to put it on YouTube. 560 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,760 That's not going to happen. 561 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,160 My sister had a colonoscopy. She said it was fine. 562 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,680 Yes, everyone tells me that. 563 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:07,600 - Oh, poor thing. - Now, that has got to be bad luck. 564 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,680 Not just any bird in the house, but a dead bird in the house. 565 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:13,880 Why did he have to fly into the window? 566 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,680 And this is the kitchen. 567 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,840 This is my wife... 568 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,400 ..Sue. 569 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,920 Hello, there. 570 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,120 It's usually a bit tidier than this. 571 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:40,040 And obviously not usually... a dead bird. 572 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,440 Right, well, thanks for showing us around. 573 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,440 - There's more to see... - No, it's fine. Thanks. 574 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,360 Well, if you'd like to mull it over. 575 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,720 If you want to come back another time or... 576 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,320 - I can't see that happening. - Really? 577 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,000 My wife, she has a thing about birds in the house. 578 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,040 She says it's a bad omen. 579 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,360 Does she? 580 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,800 We'll see ourselves out. 581 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:06,080 Yeah, well, mind out for the witches. 582 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,200 You shouldn't joke about witches. 583 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,200 They don't like it. 584 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,520 Oh, for God's sake. 585 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,640 - Mum? - Yes? 586 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,080 CAMERA CLICKS Oh, Jake! 587 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,160 I'm so going to Facebook all of this! 588 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,040 I didn't mean to hurt the poor... 589 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,720 Mum, should I take the bird out into the garden and give it a postmortem? 590 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,680 - No. - All right. 591 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,920 - But it is science. - It's not science, it's...eugh. 592 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,320 Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always cutting up animals. 593 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:38,280 Along with most serial killers. 594 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,560 MOBILE PHONE BEEPS 595 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:42,080 Aren't you going to read that? 596 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,000 It's a text, not a royal bloody summons. 597 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:48,080 All right, all right! Are you OK? 598 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,480 Yeah. 599 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,040 So, the Enlightenment. 600 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,760 What a waste of bloody time that was. 601 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,440 Do you know, the year may be 2010, 602 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,400 but our kids, they're just living in the Dark Ages. 603 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,000 Witches! Crackpot conspiracy theories! 604 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,560 Yeah, I know. 605 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,520 Blind superstition, astrology... 606 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,600 Yeah. 607 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:15,000 You know, the more irrational it is, the more they just lap it up. 608 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,720 Still, don't worry. They'll soon grow out of it. Touch wood.