SUE: So I told Darren's mum. I said, "Listen, your son is three years older than Karen
"and clearly he's been taking advantage of her playing swopsies,
"and I think that he should give those cards back to her."
And do you know what she said?
She said he didn't have to give the cards back,
because it was a swopsies no refund. But I said, "Ah, ah, now,
"Karen said that she had called time-out."
And she said that Karen hadn't locked the time-out.
I mean, how ridiculous is that?
Since when do you have to lock a time-out on a no-refund swopsies?
I know! I know, it's madness.
All me and Ibrahim were doing
were re-enacting the running of the bulls at Pamplona.
And quite a lot of the girls got trampled, didn't they?
It was only a pretend trample.
We didn't actually step on them.
That's not what the school said, or I wouldn't have had a letter, would I?
We just knocked them on the floor, cos we were like bulls and we were charging with our horns.
Well, did you help them up?
No, cos we're bulls. We don't have hands.
So I said, "Your boy's got to give those cards back to Karen."
And she said he'd give them back over her dead body.
So I said, "Well, that can be arranged."
And do you know what she said?
She said technically she could go to the police,
because that was a form of assault.
Yeah.
Yeah! Stupid cow!
Look, Ben, just write the note saying sorry like Mrs Bassong said.
And I'll make 17 photocopies.
Take that stupid mask off!
Mum seems pretty fired up at the moment.
Yeah.
I haven't seen her this angry
since she looked at that satellite photo of our house on Google Earth
and spotted Ben on the roof.
Yeah, well...
It's your fault Mummy's cross
for getting drunk and kissing another woman which wasn't Mummy.
Yeah, can we just drop the...?
And you broke your wedding promises.
- Well... - You made lots of promises,
and I'm pretty sure one of them was not kissing other women.
Well, kissing wasn't specifically...
The vicar's going to be furious.
Yeah, well, he doesn't know about it, does he?
Well, no, not yet.
Well, you don't know who the vicar was.
I can find out.
Look, Karen, you've got to get ready for your concert. Off you go.
There. Happy now?
That's good.
I mean, "I am sorry, OK?" followed by lots of exclamation marks
is not the most gracious of apologies, but that's good.
You've got to learn that you are responsible for your own actions.
But am I?
Well...yes, you are.
Most of what I am, I get from my genes, right?
Which is you.
And the rest of what I am I get from my environment.
Which is you.
So, whichever way you look at it, everything I do is down to you.
- No, that's not... - Including all the naughty bits.
He's got a point there.
No, Jake, he has not got a point there.
KAREN: Is Daddy coming to my concert?
No, Daddy's got to stay here,
because he didn't organise a baby-sitter like he promised.
I'm 13! We don't need a baby-sitter.
Well, legally you do. You're supposed to have a grown-up with you.
Or failing that, your father.
Look, Sue, obviously I know that I'm to blame.
I just think it's important for the children
that we can resolve our disputes in a calm and measured way.
Did you fancy her?
What?
Did you...fancy her?
Look, you know what it's like when you're that drunk.
Your body waves your brain goodbye
and your body is a lot less fussy than your brain.
So in that brain-free moment, yeah, probably, I suppose I did fancy her.
But then, I fancied every woman in that room.
You fancied every woman in the room?
No. No, that came out wrong.
What...what I meant to s...
You tosser, Pete!
So, are you allowed to break promises if you're drunk?
Well, I don't...
For instance, could Maisie's dad say to the judge,
"I'm sorry I came within a mile of Maisie's house,
"but I'd had a lot of beer"?
No. No, I don't think he could. No.
Was the first time you kissed Mummy...were you drunk?
Yes. Yes, I was. But not...
But then, say...
I was drunk the first time I kissed her,
but then...later I wasn't drunk at all
and I...fell in love with her.
But then that might happen with the other person that you kissed.
No, because that really was a mistake, Karen. That's not...
But if that was a mistake, then everything could be a mistake,
and then, in the end, you'd have loads and loads of wives and girlfriends.
BEN: What's this?
It's the news, Ben.
- What's that? - It's about rising sea levels.
See? That's why we shouldn't move.
It'd be really cool,
cos in, like, 15 to 20 years' time, we'd have a riverside property,
and I'd be able to sit in my bedroom and fish
and I'd be able to get stuff out
like barracudas and piranhas and sharks.
I'm just trying to watch this.
And I'd get much longer hair and a really long, straggly beard
and I'd talk to a pineapple.
Why's that man wearing a dress?
It's not a dress, and it's the Pope.
It's his robe.
That can't be the Pope, because the Pope wears barbed-wire pants
and kills anybody who knows that Jesus had children.
That was a film. You weren't supposed to watch it anyway.
The Pope may look nice, but he drives around in big, black limousines
and he knows kung fu.
And then there's the Pope's really, really cool mates,
who are, like, albino monks who have shotguns and snipers
and they are assassins.
When you're drunk, do you see pink elephants?
No.
Dumbo did.
Yeah, well, he's a cartoon elephant.
Alcohol probably affects him differently.
Look, you're still not ready for your concert. Off you go.
BEN: Exactly! Exactly!
So he wears barbed-wire pants and he kills...
I'm sure he actually doesn't.
Yes, he does. You can see he's wearing them.
Otherwise, why would he have that expression on his face?
Don't be stupid.
Who's that other bloke wearing a dress?
It's the Prime Minister of Germany. Um...Angela someone or other.
Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?
It's the burka, Ben. She wears it cos she's a Muslim...
Can boys wear 'em?
Because it'd be cool at school, cos you could text under there...
Not listening, Ben.
You could change your pants, and nobody would know.
No-one's listening, Ben.
And you could watch Star Wars episodes on a portable DVD player.
And the teacher wouldn't notice. And you could be on the laptop.
I'd love a burka.
Oh, God! What the hell is that?! Oh!
It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss. That's all.
I'm never going to France if they do that there.
What the hell is wrong with them? Is he a vampire?
No, he obviously just likes her quite a bit.
The only reason I came in here was to watch the TV.
Well, this is what's on TV,
and if you don't like it, cos you're gay, go away.
We've got a hundred... I'm not gay! We've got a hundred channels!
JAKE: If you don't want to watch it, go and watch something else.
I'm watching this. You can...
- ARGUING CONTINUES - Listen, Sue...
Let's just drop it, shall we?
- OK. - Just answer me this.
I thought we were dropping it.
When you were snogging that woman, what were you thinking?
I've told you, I was drunk.
No, I mean literally - what were you thinking?
I think this is a bit of a blind alley.
Do you? I don't. I happen to think it's a very important alley.
While you were playing tongue hockey
with a woman who was, at best, a passing acquaintance,
what exactly were you feeling?
I don't know. I-I-I suppose I was flattered.
Flattered?
Well, you know, flattered that she wanted me.
You must have been giving off a signal.
That is total...! ...Hello, darling.
All right?
Well, actually, no. I'm nervous about the concert.
Oh, don't be nervous, sweetheart. You'll be fine.
I hate playing the triangle,
because I've got this note at the end,
and it goes "ting!" all on my own
and if I forget it, then it will never end,
and that's a big responsibility.
Yeah, well, you'll be all right. And do you know why?
Because you are a star.
So go get ready, star. Go on.
Good girl.
I was not giving a signal, OK? I was drunk!
Have you heard of something called self-control?
I was drunk!
I've seen you do appalling things when you're drunk.
That's not relevant.
I have seen you flash your breasts at a minibus full of nuns.
Oh, not that again. I was on medication.
I've seen you try to ride Highland cattle.
- Pogo into a canal! - I was a student.
Heckle Stephen Hawking.
Yes, but you've never seen me get off with someone else, have you?
I was not getting off with...
Do you know what really hacks me off, Pete? I'll tell you.
It's all those times when a man has come on to me,
and I've thought, "No, I'm married."
All those opportunities that I've let pass,
because I take my marriage seriously.
Has that happened a lot, then?
Yeah. Hell of a lot.
More times than I can remember.
In fact, only last week the man from the garage made a pass at me.
What man at the garage?
That young, good-looking one from Cyprus.
Costa? He's gay.
Yeah, well, you didn't see the look he gave me
when he asked me if I wanted a full service.
- Oh, this is ridiculous! - Then there's your mate, Clive.
Clive?
What, my best man, Clive?
Yeah. He made a pass at me at your 40th birthday.
And I was drunk.
And do you know what? I wish I had followed him into the shed now.
- THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS - Well...
BEN: Has anyone got anything I could use as a grappling hook?
Oh, no. His Bear Grylls game.
I do not want him scaling the north face of the bedroom cupboard again.
Come on, Karen, we're going to be late.
God, she's only sent me a bloody e-mail.
Ben, not the Bear Grylls game.
"Subject - The Rules of Swopsies." Page one of four?!
PETE: Ben!
Well, that first one's rubbish, for a start.
Silly bitch.
Ben, can you hear me?
Can you help me with my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle?
1,000-piece?
Well, it's just you keep promising to and then you never do.
Well, he shouldn't keep disappointing you, darling,
but at least you haven't had 20 years of it.
- DOOR SLAMS - BEN: Avalanche!
- CRASH - God.
This makes me the first man
to climb Everest...
backwards...without oxygen...
or even a jumper.
- What are you watching? - It's Michael McIntyre.
Why have you got the sound off?
It's Michael McIntyre.
I'm just waiting for the news to come on.
PHONE RINGS
PETE: Oh, is that...? Where...? I hate these phones!
They're like nomads, they're just...
Hello? Oh, hi.
It's your mate, Clive, Dad.
Oh, yes.
My mate, Clive.
Well, do you want to speak to him, then?
No, I don't think so.
Should I tell him you'll call him back?
No.
Well, shall I tell him you're busy?
Yeah. Tell him I'm in the shed.
Hello, Clive?
Yeah, sorry, he's busy at the moment. He's, um...he's in the shed.
All right, then. CAR ALARM BLARES
Bloody thing!
DOG BARKS
CAR ALARM CONTINUES
CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS
CAR ALARM BLARES
CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS
CAR ALARM BLARES
- And as I have no saw... - PHONE RINGS
...I have no other choice
than to bite off my frostbitten toes.
GRUNTS
Oh!
- LAUGHS - That's fun!
CAR ALARM CONTINUES
CAR ALARM STOPS
There you are.
Look, Dad, that was Mum on the phone, and she says you've got to keep calm.
- Keep calm? - She said, "Tell Dad he's got to keep calm and not to panic,
- "because everything's going be OK." - If everything's going to be OK, why do I need to keep calm?
Karen's been knocked down.
- Oh, my God! - It's OK, Dad.
Seriously. Karen's OK.
Mum's at the hospital with her now,
and you can't ring her, because she's in the hospital
and she's not allowed to use her mobile in the hospital,
but she says everything's OK, don't worry, stay calm
- and she'll ring in a little bit. - Yeah, but she's been...she's been...
She said the main thing was to stay calm.
Yeah, I get that bit, Jake!
I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to snap.
Mum said Karen's OK and she wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true.
- But... - Don't worry.
What's going on?
It's, um...it's Karen. She's had a bit of an accident.
- But she's...she's OK apparently. - Has she gone down to the hospital?
- Yes. - Yeah.
The same hospital that I always get taken to?
Yeah.
The one with the nurse who says I should have a loyalty card?
Yes. You did put the handset back on the cradle, didn't you?
Yes, Dad. But you go and have a sit down, and I'll get you a cup of tea.
So Karen's definitely OK, then?
Yeah, that's what Mum says, although it is all a bit vague at the moment.
Have you got anything we can use as a dead camel?
What?
Only I need something to use as a dead camel,
so I can hollow out its insides where its guts used to be,
climb in and protect myself
from the freezing cold winds of the desert night.
- DOORBELL RINGS - Not now, Ben, please.
- I've only just cleared up the avalanche. - JAKE: I'll get it!
It was snow loosened by the morning sun.
It was furniture loosened by you with a long piece of...
MAN'S VOICE
Hang on.
Well, yeah.
Hello! It's me, about the speed bumps.
It's OK, I'm dealing with this.
Oh, yes, the, er...speed bumps.
Do you think possibly you could call back?
Would you like to have a look at my artist's impression
Of what these monstrosities would actually look like?
Not really, no.
Right. OK.
Um, so can we assume your support?
It's just I'm not entirely clear as to your exact position.
My exact position?
Ah, yes, well, let me see.
I would say, um...
that given that my child is currently in the hospital,
having been hit by a speeding car...
You don't actually know that, Dad.
..I would say, on balance,
um, that my exact position
is that in order to slow down all the, um...
shrivel-cocked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes, such as your good self,
who seem to feel that any speed restriction
is an abuse of their basic human right to drive like a pillock,
- I would be in favour of speed bumps. - Dad...
And, as a further traffic-calming measure,
I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades...
- Dad... - ..targeted to disappear...
Dad...
..up their stupid, complacent little arses!
There. Is that entirely clear?
Thank you very much for dropping by.
SIRENS WAIL
- PETE: Sue! - Oh, hi.
- What are you doing here? - Waiting at home was getting to me.
- How is she? - She's fine.
She's in there. They're going to send her home soon.
It's just a few...small cuts and bruises,
and they're giving her a tetanus jab.
- Shouldn't you be in there with her? - Oh, no.
- No, she forbade it. - Oh.
Right.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Who's looking after the boys? - Kelly.
What, Kelly Kelly?
As in beautiful, sexy,
Jake's-completely-obsessed-with-her Kelly?
Yeah. No-one else was around.
So what...what happened? I mean, what speed was the car doing?
Oh, I don't know. 20?
One second she was by my side,
the next thing she's running off out into the road.
The cliche's bang-on. Everything goes into slow motion.
And you just stand there, helpless.
Watching. Waiting.
And the worst thing is knowing it was my fault.
- It wasn't your fault. - It was.
That was a busy road. I should have had hold of her hand.
It was stupid. I got distracted. I was...
You were what?
I was arguing with Darren's mum...
about the swopsies thing.
Oh, well, we all make mistakes. Don't we, eh?
Do you remember that time
I challenged Jake to that race down Box Hill?
It's a lot steeper than it looks.
It's amazing he only broke his collarbone, really,
when you think about how many cartwheels he did...
till hitting that sheep slowed him down.
And then there was that time
that Ben decided to spend a day being a rat,
and I failed to notice him chewing through those wires.
He flew right across the room.
- He quite enjoyed that. - Yeah.
KELLY: OK, boys, what shall we watch? Any movies on?
Let's have a look.
Kelly, can I ask you a question?
No, you can't, Ben. You should have been in bed ages ago.
- Did you know that sometimes... - Ben!
..when men and women kiss, they put their tongues in each other's mouths?
I'm so sorry, Kelly. He's just very, very immature.
Kelly, you know when you're waitressing at that shop
where you're a waitress in,
well, when somebody's rude to you or they annoy you,
do you gob in their food?
- Oh, for... - I gob in everyone's food.
GIGGLES
Anyway, Ben, Kelly's only waitressing temporarily.
She's doing her PhD. She's a psychologist.
Is that right?
I'm doing a PhD in psychology, yeah.
What's psychology? Is it the study of psychos?
Ah, well, we study...everybody.
Including psychos?
- Um...yeah. - Ben, that's enough.
I really do think you should just go up...
So who's the most psycho psycho you've ever studied?
Have you ever had any cannibal serial killers?
Well, cannibal serial killers isn't really my area of expertise.
I specialise in child psychology.
You know, how children think and behave.
How they think?
Yeah.
But you can't tell for sure what they're thinking.
I mean, for instance, you can't tell what I'm thinking right now, can you?
- No. - Right.
But I could make an educated guess based on the things you say,
and you'd be amazed how easily you can tell what someone's thinking
from their body language. Especially their hands.
- GASPS - Drag Me To Hell.
On, no, it's a 15.
You can't watch that, can you, Ben?
No, but neither can Jake. He's 13.
I thought you said you were 16.
No, I said I'd be 16...eventually.
Just in a year or...
or three.
And then there was the time
I took Karen out on that Lilo... in Herne Bay. Do you remember that?
Yeah. Yeah, that coastguard was very humourless, wasn't he?
All that stuff about the cost of helicopters.
So what I'm saying is don't worry yourself about the accident,
because I've nearly killed the kids loads more times than you have.
Cheers, love.
And as a psychologist...
could you steal my memory,
download it into a computer
then upload it into a gorilla,
so that the gorilla thought it was me and then he turned up at my school
and made Miss Halliday take another month off school
because of her nerves?
Could you do that? Could you implant my memory into a gorilla?
No. I think you're confusing me with a mad scientist.
Will anybody ever be able to do that?
I don't think so. I mean, we still don't even know what memory is...
Also, by definition, memory's a very subjective and ambivalent concept.
Why do you keep on speaking like that?
I mean, does memory really exist?
Personally, I think it's just a story we tell ourselves.
- Yeah, I think that as well. - OK, here's another question for you.
Not another one. It's way past your bedtime.
- Just one! - It'll just be another stupid one.
If our personality is made up from our genes and our environment,
then are we really to blame for what we do?
Well, that's a brilliant question, actually, Ben.
Quite a few neuroscientists are starting to question
whether there is such a thing as free will.
And if that's true, people can't really be blamed for their actions.
Right. Could you write that down for my dad?
So are you sure you don't want your mum to come in and sit with you?
I'm sure. She's being really annoying at the moment.
Saying, "Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry. Oh, I blame myself."
It's doing my head in.
She's been all over the place since Daddy kissed that woman on the lips.
- Right. - Do you know my brother, Ben?
He comes to this hospital a lot.
- Does he have curly hair? - Yes.
Managed to get a sprout stuck up each nostril?
Yep, that's him.
Now, then, Karen, this jab is just to protect you
against a nasty little germ called tetanus.
- Will it hurt? - Just a tiny little bit.
And not for long.
"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
Yeah.
"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
Are you OK?
Yes, I'm just trying to remember exactly what you said.
Right.
For the last time, Ben, Kelly is a psychologist, studying psychology.
So she does not know who would win a fight
between a vampire and a gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy.
KELLY: No, it's OK. Let me think.
So the gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy versus a vampire?
Yeah.
And does the gorilla have anyone else with him?
The gorilla could have kind of a... a dinosaur who has the mind of a pig.
- LAUGHS - Really? A dinosaur with the mind of a pig?
- What if... - OK, that's enough, Ben.
It's way past your bedtime.
- I can't go to bed. - Why not?
- I'm worried about my little sister. - No, you're not!
Yes, I am. I'm very anxious. Look at my body language.
Oh, come on, that is pathetic. You're obviously not worried about her.
- Yes, I am. - KELLY: OK, OK.
Ben, Jake's right. You need to go to bed so I don't get in trouble.
- One final question. - But...
- Please? - All right, then.
Can you wrestle?
You'll be fine with this, a brave little girl like you.
How do you know I'm brave?
Well, you got knocked down by a car and you didn't make a fuss about it.
Actually, I did. I screamed.
Well, I think that you're brave.
But you have no way of knowing that I'm brave.
Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
Now, this'll hurt a little bit.
Before you said it would hurt a tiny little bit.
Did I? Well, a tiny bit. Yes, this will hurt a tiny bit.
But what if you say that it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot?
What will happen then?
Sorry, what do you mean?
If you say it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot,
who do I talk to?
Who do you talk to?
Yes. You must have a system.
Well, we don't need any system, because it's all going to be fine.
But the man on Watchdog says always complain to the most senior official
and keep a written log of your conversation.
Does he?
Well, we don't need to worry about any of that,
because this will all be fine.
All right?
(OK.)
"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."
- BEN: Rarr! - KELLY: Ah! - LAUGHS
KELLY: Rarr!
The winner of Rage In A Cage is me!
- Whoo! - Yup, you win.
- Now it's Jake's turn. - What?
Jake's turn to wrestle Kelly.
No. I'm not wrestling Kelly.
Yeah, I think that's enough wrestling.
- Come on, wrestle her. - No. Shut up, Ben.
- Does Kelly scare you? - No, Kelly does not scare me.
- # Jake's scared of Kelly! # - No...
- Yes, you are. Wrestle her, then. - Shut up, Ben!
- Boys! - Wrestle her, then.
- Wrestle her! - KELLY: Calm down!
For God's sake, Ben, I do not want to kiss Kelly!
- LAUGHS - I said wrestle.
Right.
Okey-dokey.
Well, um, it's getting late.
Perhaps you should both be, um, heading to bed.
Yeah, I think that's probably best.
CAR ALARM WAILS
- Is that our car alarm? - Yep.
Listen, Sue...
I am really, from the bottom of my heart,
deeply, deeply, sincerely sorry...
..about the kiss.
What kiss?
- EXHALES - Thank you.
Something like this happens,
you realise that the things you thought were important
just don't matter.
It's just two drunks having a kiss.
It happens every second all over the world
and counts for nothing against a lifetime together, does it?
- Hmm? - No, that's right.
But do it again, and I'll rip your balls off.
Understood.
Oh, there she is!
Oh, you gave us such a fright.
Hang on, I've got to check all your arms and legs are there.
- Was she all right with the injection? - No, she was fine.
She's a very confident little girl, isn't she?
Yes. Yes, she is.
Very interested in the law.
I know. Sorry about that.
When I get home, I want to do my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle.
Like, you and me do it together.
OK.
When she did the injection, it felt bruisey.
- Is that supposed to happen? - Yes.
Yes, that's supposed to happen.
- Now, if you'll excuse me. Bye-bye, Karen. - Bye!
Right, missy. Home it is.
That was a big adventure. Still, I'm glad my little girl's OK.
Come on. CAR ALARM CONTINUES
Daddy, you know the man who knocked me over?
- Yeah. - Was he Albanian?
No, Karen, he wasn't Albanian.
And Albanians aren't responsible for everything that you...
How long will he be going to jail for?
He's not going to go to jail, darling.
Oh, so we're just going to sue him?
No, we're...Karen, just let it go.
Oh, no, but, Mummy, you must never do that.