1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,600 SUE: So I told Darren's mum. I said, "Listen, your son is three years older than Karen 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,680 "and clearly he's been taking advantage of her playing swopsies, 3 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,680 "and I think that he should give those cards back to her." 4 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:12,880 And do you know what she said? 5 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,400 She said he didn't have to give the cards back, 6 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:20,800 because it was a swopsies no refund. But I said, "Ah, ah, now, 7 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,880 "Karen said that she had called time-out." 8 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,920 And she said that Karen hadn't locked the time-out. 9 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,280 I mean, how ridiculous is that? 10 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,720 Since when do you have to lock a time-out on a no-refund swopsies? 11 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,840 I know! I know, it's madness. 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,800 All me and Ibrahim were doing 13 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,040 were re-enacting the running of the bulls at Pamplona. 14 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,720 And quite a lot of the girls got trampled, didn't they? 15 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,640 It was only a pretend trample. 16 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,360 We didn't actually step on them. 17 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,360 That's not what the school said, or I wouldn't have had a letter, would I? 18 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:57,240 We just knocked them on the floor, cos we were like bulls and we were charging with our horns. 19 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,760 Well, did you help them up? 20 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,240 No, cos we're bulls. We don't have hands. 21 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,760 So I said, "Your boy's got to give those cards back to Karen." 22 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,440 And she said he'd give them back over her dead body. 23 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,200 So I said, "Well, that can be arranged." 24 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,720 And do you know what she said? 25 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,960 She said technically she could go to the police, 26 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,920 because that was a form of assault. 27 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,600 Yeah. 28 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,680 Yeah! Stupid cow! 29 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:25,680 Look, Ben, just write the note saying sorry like Mrs Bassong said. 30 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,800 And I'll make 17 photocopies. 31 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,760 Take that stupid mask off! 32 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,120 Mum seems pretty fired up at the moment. 33 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,640 Yeah. 34 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,160 I haven't seen her this angry 35 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,880 since she looked at that satellite photo of our house on Google Earth 36 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,280 and spotted Ben on the roof. 37 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:45,360 Yeah, well... 38 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:46,840 It's your fault Mummy's cross 39 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,600 for getting drunk and kissing another woman which wasn't Mummy. 40 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,200 Yeah, can we just drop the...? 41 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,800 And you broke your wedding promises. 42 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,560 - Well... - You made lots of promises, 43 00:01:55,560 --> 00:02:00,000 and I'm pretty sure one of them was not kissing other women. 44 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,080 Well, kissing wasn't specifically... 45 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,320 The vicar's going to be furious. 46 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,080 Yeah, well, he doesn't know about it, does he? 47 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,600 Well, no, not yet. 48 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,120 Well, you don't know who the vicar was. 49 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,280 I can find out. 50 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,840 Look, Karen, you've got to get ready for your concert. Off you go. 51 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,240 There. Happy now? 52 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,480 That's good. 53 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:26,240 I mean, "I am sorry, OK?" followed by lots of exclamation marks 54 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,680 is not the most gracious of apologies, but that's good. 55 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,280 You've got to learn that you are responsible for your own actions. 56 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,600 But am I? 57 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,600 Well...yes, you are. 58 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,160 Most of what I am, I get from my genes, right? 59 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,920 Which is you. 60 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,440 And the rest of what I am I get from my environment. 61 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,120 Which is you. 62 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,400 So, whichever way you look at it, everything I do is down to you. 63 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,560 - No, that's not... - Including all the naughty bits. 64 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,600 He's got a point there. 65 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,760 No, Jake, he has not got a point there. 66 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,760 KAREN: Is Daddy coming to my concert? 67 00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,920 No, Daddy's got to stay here, 68 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,440 because he didn't organise a baby-sitter like he promised. 69 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:06,000 I'm 13! We don't need a baby-sitter. 70 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,160 Well, legally you do. You're supposed to have a grown-up with you. 71 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,600 Or failing that, your father. 72 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,440 Look, Sue, obviously I know that I'm to blame. 73 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,080 I just think it's important for the children 74 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:23,400 that we can resolve our disputes in a calm and measured way. 75 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,880 Did you fancy her? 76 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,200 What? 77 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,120 Did you...fancy her? 78 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,400 Look, you know what it's like when you're that drunk. 79 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,880 Your body waves your brain goodbye 80 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,760 and your body is a lot less fussy than your brain. 81 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:43,760 So in that brain-free moment, yeah, probably, I suppose I did fancy her. 82 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,280 But then, I fancied every woman in that room. 83 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:52,160 You fancied every woman in the room? 84 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,240 No. No, that came out wrong. 85 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,400 What...what I meant to s... 86 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,160 You tosser, Pete! 87 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,600 So, are you allowed to break promises if you're drunk? 88 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,320 Well, I don't... 89 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,440 For instance, could Maisie's dad say to the judge, 90 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,520 "I'm sorry I came within a mile of Maisie's house, 91 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,360 "but I'd had a lot of beer"? 92 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,480 No. No, I don't think he could. No. 93 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,680 Was the first time you kissed Mummy...were you drunk? 94 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,560 Yes. Yes, I was. But not... 95 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,040 But then, say... 96 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,720 I was drunk the first time I kissed her, 97 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:33,200 but then...later I wasn't drunk at all 98 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,400 and I...fell in love with her. 99 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:39,760 But then that might happen with the other person that you kissed. 100 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:43,080 No, because that really was a mistake, Karen. That's not... 101 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,680 But if that was a mistake, then everything could be a mistake, 102 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:51,960 and then, in the end, you'd have loads and loads of wives and girlfriends. 103 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,480 BEN: What's this? 104 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,120 It's the news, Ben. 105 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,560 - What's that? - It's about rising sea levels. 106 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,080 See? That's why we shouldn't move. 107 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:01,840 It'd be really cool, 108 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,560 cos in, like, 15 to 20 years' time, we'd have a riverside property, 109 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,280 and I'd be able to sit in my bedroom and fish 110 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:10,240 and I'd be able to get stuff out 111 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,400 like barracudas and piranhas and sharks. 112 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,960 I'm just trying to watch this. 113 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,560 And I'd get much longer hair and a really long, straggly beard 114 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,240 and I'd talk to a pineapple. 115 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,120 Why's that man wearing a dress? 116 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,520 It's not a dress, and it's the Pope. 117 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,080 It's his robe. 118 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:30,320 That can't be the Pope, because the Pope wears barbed-wire pants 119 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,800 and kills anybody who knows that Jesus had children. 120 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,040 That was a film. You weren't supposed to watch it anyway. 121 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,320 The Pope may look nice, but he drives around in big, black limousines 122 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,520 and he knows kung fu. 123 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:45,080 And then there's the Pope's really, really cool mates, 124 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,760 who are, like, albino monks who have shotguns and snipers 125 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,680 and they are assassins. 126 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,520 When you're drunk, do you see pink elephants? 127 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,640 No. 128 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,440 Dumbo did. 129 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,160 Yeah, well, he's a cartoon elephant. 130 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:00,000 Alcohol probably affects him differently. 131 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,600 Look, you're still not ready for your concert. Off you go. 132 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,240 BEN: Exactly! Exactly! 133 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,720 So he wears barbed-wire pants and he kills... 134 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,120 I'm sure he actually doesn't. 135 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,720 Yes, he does. You can see he's wearing them. 136 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,840 Otherwise, why would he have that expression on his face? 137 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,080 Don't be stupid. 138 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,480 Who's that other bloke wearing a dress? 139 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,840 It's the Prime Minister of Germany. Um...Angela someone or other. 140 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,600 Who's that woman with the black thing over her head? 141 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,240 It's the burka, Ben. She wears it cos she's a Muslim... 142 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,760 Can boys wear 'em? 143 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,560 Because it'd be cool at school, cos you could text under there... 144 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,080 Not listening, Ben. 145 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,960 You could change your pants, and nobody would know. 146 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,400 No-one's listening, Ben. 147 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,920 And you could watch Star Wars episodes on a portable DVD player. 148 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,960 And the teacher wouldn't notice. And you could be on the laptop. 149 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,760 I'd love a burka. 150 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:50,080 Oh, God! What the hell is that?! Oh! 151 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,400 It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss. That's all. 152 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,200 I'm never going to France if they do that there. 153 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,360 What the hell is wrong with them? Is he a vampire? 154 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,040 No, he obviously just likes her quite a bit. 155 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,560 The only reason I came in here was to watch the TV. 156 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,720 Well, this is what's on TV, 157 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,960 and if you don't like it, cos you're gay, go away. 158 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,320 We've got a hundred... I'm not gay! We've got a hundred channels! 159 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,320 JAKE: If you don't want to watch it, go and watch something else. 160 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,880 I'm watching this. You can... 161 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,960 - ARGUING CONTINUES - Listen, Sue... 162 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,800 Let's just drop it, shall we? 163 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,000 - OK. - Just answer me this. 164 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,400 I thought we were dropping it. 165 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,120 When you were snogging that woman, what were you thinking? 166 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:24,600 I've told you, I was drunk. 167 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,280 No, I mean literally - what were you thinking? 168 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,040 I think this is a bit of a blind alley. 169 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,680 Do you? I don't. I happen to think it's a very important alley. 170 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,800 While you were playing tongue hockey 171 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,960 with a woman who was, at best, a passing acquaintance, 172 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,080 what exactly were you feeling? 173 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,040 I don't know. I-I-I suppose I was flattered. 174 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,120 Flattered? 175 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,800 Well, you know, flattered that she wanted me. 176 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,440 You must have been giving off a signal. 177 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,960 That is total...! ...Hello, darling. 178 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,160 All right? 179 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,640 Well, actually, no. I'm nervous about the concert. 180 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,240 Oh, don't be nervous, sweetheart. You'll be fine. 181 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,760 I hate playing the triangle, 182 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,880 because I've got this note at the end, 183 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:04,800 and it goes "ting!" all on my own 184 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,640 and if I forget it, then it will never end, 185 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,360 and that's a big responsibility. 186 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,360 Yeah, well, you'll be all right. And do you know why? 187 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,560 Because you are a star. 188 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,440 So go get ready, star. Go on. 189 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,120 Good girl. 190 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,200 I was not giving a signal, OK? I was drunk! 191 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,600 Have you heard of something called self-control? 192 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,920 I was drunk! 193 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,120 I've seen you do appalling things when you're drunk. 194 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,480 That's not relevant. 195 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:40,240 I have seen you flash your breasts at a minibus full of nuns. 196 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,880 Oh, not that again. I was on medication. 197 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,960 I've seen you try to ride Highland cattle. 198 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,520 - Pogo into a canal! - I was a student. 199 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,240 Heckle Stephen Hawking. 200 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:53,560 Yes, but you've never seen me get off with someone else, have you? 201 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,920 I was not getting off with... 202 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,440 Do you know what really hacks me off, Pete? I'll tell you. 203 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,760 It's all those times when a man has come on to me, 204 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,920 and I've thought, "No, I'm married." 205 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,640 All those opportunities that I've let pass, 206 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,320 because I take my marriage seriously. 207 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,600 Has that happened a lot, then? 208 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,160 Yeah. Hell of a lot. 209 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,720 More times than I can remember. 210 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:23,440 In fact, only last week the man from the garage made a pass at me. 211 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,760 What man at the garage? 212 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,240 That young, good-looking one from Cyprus. 213 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,800 Costa? He's gay. 214 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,600 Yeah, well, you didn't see the look he gave me 215 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,600 when he asked me if I wanted a full service. 216 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,880 - Oh, this is ridiculous! - Then there's your mate, Clive. 217 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,560 Clive? 218 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,440 What, my best man, Clive? 219 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,480 Yeah. He made a pass at me at your 40th birthday. 220 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,000 And I was drunk. 221 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,600 And do you know what? I wish I had followed him into the shed now. 222 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,040 - THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS - Well... 223 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,480 BEN: Has anyone got anything I could use as a grappling hook? 224 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,200 Oh, no. His Bear Grylls game. 225 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,560 I do not want him scaling the north face of the bedroom cupboard again. 226 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,720 Come on, Karen, we're going to be late. 227 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,480 God, she's only sent me a bloody e-mail. 228 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,800 Ben, not the Bear Grylls game. 229 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:20,080 "Subject - The Rules of Swopsies." Page one of four?! 230 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,040 PETE: Ben! 231 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,600 Well, that first one's rubbish, for a start. 232 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,080 Silly bitch. 233 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,920 Ben, can you hear me? 234 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,640 Can you help me with my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle? 235 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,840 1,000-piece? 236 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,160 Well, it's just you keep promising to and then you never do. 237 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,320 Well, he shouldn't keep disappointing you, darling, 238 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,080 but at least you haven't had 20 years of it. 239 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,480 - DOOR SLAMS - BEN: Avalanche! 240 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,720 - CRASH - God. 241 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,040 This makes me the first man 242 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,160 to climb Everest... 243 00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:01,080 backwards...without oxygen... 244 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,000 or even a jumper. 245 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,120 - What are you watching? - It's Michael McIntyre. 246 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,880 Why have you got the sound off? 247 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,880 It's Michael McIntyre. 248 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,000 I'm just waiting for the news to come on. 249 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,520 PHONE RINGS 250 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,240 PETE: Oh, is that...? Where...? I hate these phones! 251 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,080 They're like nomads, they're just... 252 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,920 Hello? Oh, hi. 253 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,440 It's your mate, Clive, Dad. 254 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,320 Oh, yes. 255 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,600 My mate, Clive. 256 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,160 Well, do you want to speak to him, then? 257 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,800 No, I don't think so. 258 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,280 Should I tell him you'll call him back? 259 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,800 No. 260 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,760 Well, shall I tell him you're busy? 261 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:50,000 Yeah. Tell him I'm in the shed. 262 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,640 Hello, Clive? 263 00:11:55,800 --> 00:12:00,320 Yeah, sorry, he's busy at the moment. He's, um...he's in the shed. 264 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,640 All right, then. CAR ALARM BLARES 265 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,160 Bloody thing! 266 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,640 DOG BARKS 267 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,080 CAR ALARM CONTINUES 268 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,360 CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS 269 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,680 CAR ALARM BLARES 270 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,840 CAR BEEPS, ALARM STOPS 271 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,800 CAR ALARM BLARES 272 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,160 - And as I have no saw... - PHONE RINGS 273 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,000 ...I have no other choice 274 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:49,480 than to bite off my frostbitten toes. 275 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,160 GRUNTS 276 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,200 Oh! 277 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,360 - LAUGHS - That's fun! 278 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,560 CAR ALARM CONTINUES 279 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,480 CAR ALARM STOPS 280 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,040 There you are. 281 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,080 Look, Dad, that was Mum on the phone, and she says you've got to keep calm. 282 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:15,400 - Keep calm? - She said, "Tell Dad he's got to keep calm and not to panic, 283 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,640 - "because everything's going be OK." - If everything's going to be OK, why do I need to keep calm? 284 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,320 Karen's been knocked down. 285 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,120 - Oh, my God! - It's OK, Dad. 286 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,640 Seriously. Karen's OK. 287 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,760 Mum's at the hospital with her now, 288 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,880 and you can't ring her, because she's in the hospital 289 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,760 and she's not allowed to use her mobile in the hospital, 290 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,320 but she says everything's OK, don't worry, stay calm 291 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,800 - and she'll ring in a little bit. - Yeah, but she's been...she's been... 292 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,080 She said the main thing was to stay calm. 293 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,920 Yeah, I get that bit, Jake! 294 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,320 I'm sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to snap. 295 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,080 Mum said Karen's OK and she wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true. 296 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,320 - But... - Don't worry. 297 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,080 What's going on? 298 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,920 It's, um...it's Karen. She's had a bit of an accident. 299 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:04,120 - But she's...she's OK apparently. - Has she gone down to the hospital? 300 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,400 - Yes. - Yeah. 301 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,280 The same hospital that I always get taken to? 302 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,400 Yeah. 303 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,120 The one with the nurse who says I should have a loyalty card? 304 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,480 Yes. You did put the handset back on the cradle, didn't you? 305 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:20,480 Yes, Dad. But you go and have a sit down, and I'll get you a cup of tea. 306 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,320 So Karen's definitely OK, then? 307 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,760 Yeah, that's what Mum says, although it is all a bit vague at the moment. 308 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,080 Have you got anything we can use as a dead camel? 309 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,760 What? 310 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,720 Only I need something to use as a dead camel, 311 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,680 so I can hollow out its insides where its guts used to be, 312 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,800 climb in and protect myself 313 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,760 from the freezing cold winds of the desert night. 314 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,520 - DOORBELL RINGS - Not now, Ben, please. 315 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,960 - I've only just cleared up the avalanche. - JAKE: I'll get it! 316 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,920 It was snow loosened by the morning sun. 317 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,840 It was furniture loosened by you with a long piece of... 318 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,080 MAN'S VOICE 319 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,600 Hang on. 320 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,080 Well, yeah. 321 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,240 Hello! It's me, about the speed bumps. 322 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,120 It's OK, I'm dealing with this. 323 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,480 Oh, yes, the, er...speed bumps. 324 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,160 Do you think possibly you could call back? 325 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,000 Would you like to have a look at my artist's impression 326 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,560 Of what these monstrosities would actually look like? 327 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,160 Not really, no. 328 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,800 Right. OK. 329 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,000 Um, so can we assume your support? 330 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,240 It's just I'm not entirely clear as to your exact position. 331 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,760 My exact position? 332 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,040 Ah, yes, well, let me see. 333 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,240 I would say, um... 334 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,040 that given that my child is currently in the hospital, 335 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,720 having been hit by a speeding car... 336 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,640 You don't actually know that, Dad. 337 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,200 ..I would say, on balance, 338 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,200 um, that my exact position 339 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,920 is that in order to slow down all the, um... 340 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,120 shrivel-cocked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes, such as your good self, 341 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,480 who seem to feel that any speed restriction 342 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,800 is an abuse of their basic human right to drive like a pillock, 343 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,640 - I would be in favour of speed bumps. - Dad... 344 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,480 And, as a further traffic-calming measure, 345 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,480 I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades... 346 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,000 - Dad... - ..targeted to disappear... 347 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,080 Dad... 348 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,280 ..up their stupid, complacent little arses! 349 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:21,240 There. Is that entirely clear? 350 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,960 Thank you very much for dropping by. 351 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,640 SIRENS WAIL 352 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,640 - PETE: Sue! - Oh, hi. 353 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,120 - What are you doing here? - Waiting at home was getting to me. 354 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,280 - How is she? - She's fine. 355 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,480 She's in there. They're going to send her home soon. 356 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,640 It's just a few...small cuts and bruises, 357 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:47,720 and they're giving her a tetanus jab. 358 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:49,800 - Shouldn't you be in there with her? - Oh, no. 359 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,120 - No, she forbade it. - Oh. 360 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,840 Right. 361 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,680 - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine. 362 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,720 - Who's looking after the boys? - Kelly. 363 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,240 What, Kelly Kelly? 364 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,360 As in beautiful, sexy, 365 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,320 Jake's-completely-obsessed-with-her Kelly? 366 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,960 Yeah. No-one else was around. 367 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,200 So what...what happened? I mean, what speed was the car doing? 368 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,480 Oh, I don't know. 20? 369 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,720 One second she was by my side, 370 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,040 the next thing she's running off out into the road. 371 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:23,320 The cliche's bang-on. Everything goes into slow motion. 372 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,480 And you just stand there, helpless. 373 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,080 Watching. Waiting. 374 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:32,560 And the worst thing is knowing it was my fault. 375 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,560 - It wasn't your fault. - It was. 376 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,040 That was a busy road. I should have had hold of her hand. 377 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,680 It was stupid. I got distracted. I was... 378 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,320 You were what? 379 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,560 I was arguing with Darren's mum... 380 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,800 about the swopsies thing. 381 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,000 Oh, well, we all make mistakes. Don't we, eh? 382 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,800 Do you remember that time 383 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,120 I challenged Jake to that race down Box Hill? 384 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,880 It's a lot steeper than it looks. 385 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,120 It's amazing he only broke his collarbone, really, 386 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,040 when you think about how many cartwheels he did... 387 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,720 till hitting that sheep slowed him down. 388 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,240 And then there was that time 389 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,600 that Ben decided to spend a day being a rat, 390 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,080 and I failed to notice him chewing through those wires. 391 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,440 He flew right across the room. 392 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,360 - He quite enjoyed that. - Yeah. 393 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:36,200 KELLY: OK, boys, what shall we watch? Any movies on? 394 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,880 Let's have a look. 395 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,480 Kelly, can I ask you a question? 396 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,920 No, you can't, Ben. You should have been in bed ages ago. 397 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,800 - Did you know that sometimes... - Ben! 398 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:52,320 ..when men and women kiss, they put their tongues in each other's mouths? 399 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:56,160 I'm so sorry, Kelly. He's just very, very immature. 400 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,640 Kelly, you know when you're waitressing at that shop 401 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,200 where you're a waitress in, 402 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,400 well, when somebody's rude to you or they annoy you, 403 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,840 do you gob in their food? 404 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,720 - Oh, for... - I gob in everyone's food. 405 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,360 GIGGLES 406 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,520 Anyway, Ben, Kelly's only waitressing temporarily. 407 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,480 She's doing her PhD. She's a psychologist. 408 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,680 Is that right? 409 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,240 I'm doing a PhD in psychology, yeah. 410 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,120 What's psychology? Is it the study of psychos? 411 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,000 Ah, well, we study...everybody. 412 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,200 Including psychos? 413 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,360 - Um...yeah. - Ben, that's enough. 414 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,480 I really do think you should just go up... 415 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,480 So who's the most psycho psycho you've ever studied? 416 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,560 Have you ever had any cannibal serial killers? 417 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,840 Well, cannibal serial killers isn't really my area of expertise. 418 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,480 I specialise in child psychology. 419 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,200 You know, how children think and behave. 420 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,280 How they think? 421 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,720 Yeah. 422 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,080 But you can't tell for sure what they're thinking. 423 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:55,880 I mean, for instance, you can't tell what I'm thinking right now, can you? 424 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,880 - No. - Right. 425 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,560 But I could make an educated guess based on the things you say, 426 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,400 and you'd be amazed how easily you can tell what someone's thinking 427 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,160 from their body language. Especially their hands. 428 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,400 - GASPS - Drag Me To Hell. 429 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,640 On, no, it's a 15. 430 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,680 You can't watch that, can you, Ben? 431 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,880 No, but neither can Jake. He's 13. 432 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,560 I thought you said you were 16. 433 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:27,280 No, I said I'd be 16...eventually. 434 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,880 Just in a year or... 435 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,720 or three. 436 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,160 And then there was the time 437 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:40,880 I took Karen out on that Lilo... in Herne Bay. Do you remember that? 438 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:45,960 Yeah. Yeah, that coastguard was very humourless, wasn't he? 439 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:49,360 All that stuff about the cost of helicopters. 440 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,320 So what I'm saying is don't worry yourself about the accident, 441 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:58,040 because I've nearly killed the kids loads more times than you have. 442 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,880 Cheers, love. 443 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,480 And as a psychologist... 444 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,440 could you steal my memory, 445 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:07,960 download it into a computer 446 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,360 then upload it into a gorilla, 447 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,680 so that the gorilla thought it was me and then he turned up at my school 448 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,960 and made Miss Halliday take another month off school 449 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,160 because of her nerves? 450 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,600 Could you do that? Could you implant my memory into a gorilla? 451 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,440 No. I think you're confusing me with a mad scientist. 452 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,000 Will anybody ever be able to do that? 453 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,600 I don't think so. I mean, we still don't even know what memory is... 454 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,480 Also, by definition, memory's a very subjective and ambivalent concept. 455 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,880 Why do you keep on speaking like that? 456 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,080 I mean, does memory really exist? 457 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,200 Personally, I think it's just a story we tell ourselves. 458 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,800 - Yeah, I think that as well. - OK, here's another question for you. 459 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,800 Not another one. It's way past your bedtime. 460 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,120 - Just one! - It'll just be another stupid one. 461 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:51,600 If our personality is made up from our genes and our environment, 462 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,080 then are we really to blame for what we do? 463 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:58,080 Well, that's a brilliant question, actually, Ben. 464 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,840 Quite a few neuroscientists are starting to question 465 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,760 whether there is such a thing as free will. 466 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,520 And if that's true, people can't really be blamed for their actions. 467 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,200 Right. Could you write that down for my dad? 468 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,360 So are you sure you don't want your mum to come in and sit with you? 469 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,840 I'm sure. She's being really annoying at the moment. 470 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:22,840 Saying, "Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry. Oh, I blame myself." 471 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,640 It's doing my head in. 472 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:30,120 She's been all over the place since Daddy kissed that woman on the lips. 473 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,720 - Right. - Do you know my brother, Ben? 474 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,880 He comes to this hospital a lot. 475 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,480 - Does he have curly hair? - Yes. 476 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,880 Managed to get a sprout stuck up each nostril? 477 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,160 Yep, that's him. 478 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,160 Now, then, Karen, this jab is just to protect you 479 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,520 against a nasty little germ called tetanus. 480 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,960 - Will it hurt? - Just a tiny little bit. 481 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,080 And not for long. 482 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:59,560 "Just a tiny little bit and not for long." 483 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,120 Yeah. 484 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,760 "Just a tiny little bit and not for long." 485 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,360 Are you OK? 486 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,840 Yes, I'm just trying to remember exactly what you said. 487 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,360 Right. 488 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,920 For the last time, Ben, Kelly is a psychologist, studying psychology. 489 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,720 So she does not know who would win a fight 490 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,120 between a vampire and a gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy. 491 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:23,760 KELLY: No, it's OK. Let me think. 492 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,720 So the gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy versus a vampire? 493 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:28,920 Yeah. 494 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,800 And does the gorilla have anyone else with him? 495 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:36,040 The gorilla could have kind of a... a dinosaur who has the mind of a pig. 496 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,640 - LAUGHS - Really? A dinosaur with the mind of a pig? 497 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,120 - What if... - OK, that's enough, Ben. 498 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,920 It's way past your bedtime. 499 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,600 - I can't go to bed. - Why not? 500 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,120 - I'm worried about my little sister. - No, you're not! 501 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,840 Yes, I am. I'm very anxious. Look at my body language. 502 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,840 Oh, come on, that is pathetic. You're obviously not worried about her. 503 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,360 - Yes, I am. - KELLY: OK, OK. 504 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,200 Ben, Jake's right. You need to go to bed so I don't get in trouble. 505 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,600 - One final question. - But... 506 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,280 - Please? - All right, then. 507 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,920 Can you wrestle? 508 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,520 You'll be fine with this, a brave little girl like you. 509 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,840 How do you know I'm brave? 510 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,840 Well, you got knocked down by a car and you didn't make a fuss about it. 511 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,360 Actually, I did. I screamed. 512 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,920 Well, I think that you're brave. 513 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,040 But you have no way of knowing that I'm brave. 514 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,960 Yeah, all right. Fair enough. 515 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,800 Now, this'll hurt a little bit. 516 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,560 Before you said it would hurt a tiny little bit. 517 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:32,640 Did I? Well, a tiny bit. Yes, this will hurt a tiny bit. 518 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,840 But what if you say that it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot? 519 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,400 What will happen then? 520 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,840 Sorry, what do you mean? 521 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,200 If you say it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot, 522 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,040 who do I talk to? 523 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,680 Who do you talk to? 524 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,920 Yes. You must have a system. 525 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,000 Well, we don't need any system, because it's all going to be fine. 526 00:24:55,000 --> 00:25:00,440 But the man on Watchdog says always complain to the most senior official 527 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,200 and keep a written log of your conversation. 528 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,800 Does he? 529 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,880 Well, we don't need to worry about any of that, 530 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,440 because this will all be fine. 531 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,040 All right? 532 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,080 (OK.) 533 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,920 "Just a tiny little bit and not for long." 534 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,160 - BEN: Rarr! - KELLY: Ah! - LAUGHS 535 00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,200 KELLY: Rarr! 536 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:29,400 The winner of Rage In A Cage is me! 537 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,480 - Whoo! - Yup, you win. 538 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,800 - Now it's Jake's turn. - What? 539 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,360 Jake's turn to wrestle Kelly. 540 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,960 No. I'm not wrestling Kelly. 541 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,000 Yeah, I think that's enough wrestling. 542 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,920 - Come on, wrestle her. - No. Shut up, Ben. 543 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,880 - Does Kelly scare you? - No, Kelly does not scare me. 544 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,240 - # Jake's scared of Kelly! # - No... 545 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,200 - Yes, you are. Wrestle her, then. - Shut up, Ben! 546 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,600 - Boys! - Wrestle her, then. 547 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,040 - Wrestle her! - KELLY: Calm down! 548 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,000 For God's sake, Ben, I do not want to kiss Kelly! 549 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,200 - LAUGHS - I said wrestle. 550 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,040 Right. 551 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,240 Okey-dokey. 552 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:10,240 Well, um, it's getting late. 553 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:14,240 Perhaps you should both be, um, heading to bed. 554 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,760 Yeah, I think that's probably best. 555 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,920 CAR ALARM WAILS 556 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,040 - Is that our car alarm? - Yep. 557 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,720 Listen, Sue... 558 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:38,200 I am really, from the bottom of my heart, 559 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,600 deeply, deeply, sincerely sorry... 560 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,040 ..about the kiss. 561 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,200 What kiss? 562 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,600 - EXHALES - Thank you. 563 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,760 Something like this happens, 564 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,040 you realise that the things you thought were important 565 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,360 just don't matter. 566 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,720 It's just two drunks having a kiss. 567 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,920 It happens every second all over the world 568 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,080 and counts for nothing against a lifetime together, does it? 569 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,360 - Hmm? - No, that's right. 570 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,080 But do it again, and I'll rip your balls off. 571 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,400 Understood. 572 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:21,840 Oh, there she is! 573 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,640 Oh, you gave us such a fright. 574 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,120 Hang on, I've got to check all your arms and legs are there. 575 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:29,760 - Was she all right with the injection? - No, she was fine. 576 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:34,040 She's a very confident little girl, isn't she? 577 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,240 Yes. Yes, she is. 578 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,120 Very interested in the law. 579 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,280 I know. Sorry about that. 580 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:45,280 When I get home, I want to do my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle. 581 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,240 Like, you and me do it together. 582 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:49,920 OK. 583 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,880 When she did the injection, it felt bruisey. 584 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,600 - Is that supposed to happen? - Yes. 585 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,160 Yes, that's supposed to happen. 586 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:03,000 - Now, if you'll excuse me. Bye-bye, Karen. - Bye! 587 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,840 Right, missy. Home it is. 588 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,160 That was a big adventure. Still, I'm glad my little girl's OK. 589 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,320 Come on. CAR ALARM CONTINUES 590 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,040 Daddy, you know the man who knocked me over? 591 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:14,920 - Yeah. - Was he Albanian? 592 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,440 No, Karen, he wasn't Albanian. 593 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,280 And Albanians aren't responsible for everything that you... 594 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:21,040 How long will he be going to jail for? 595 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,120 He's not going to go to jail, darling. 596 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,560 Oh, so we're just going to sue him? 597 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,920 No, we're...Karen, just let it go. 598 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:31,080 Oh, no, but, Mummy, you must never do that.