1 00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:06,360 Come on, Dad! This is like Usain Bolt racing against a dead tortoise! 2 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,520 For the last time, moving your legs doesn't make you go faster! 3 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,560 - Stop putting me off. - Yes! New world record! 4 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,120 Well, it's not an actual world record, is it? 5 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,760 I can't be coming last. 6 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,520 You're forgetting to watch the stamina bar, Dad. 7 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,320 - This Nunchuk clearly isn't working. - He said Nunchuk. 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:27,560 He said he'd never say the word Nunchuk cos he said it was "stupid, made-up technodrivel." 9 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,320 Dad, I know it's hard for you now you're slower than us 10 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,760 in the real world as well as the virtual world. 11 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:36,160 How many nuns could a Nunchuk chuck if a Nunchuk could chuck nuns? 12 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,320 Well, yes, you have finished the homework, 13 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,160 I'm just not sure about some of the choices you've made. 14 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:49,080 I mean, "Martin Luther King sexed lots of women who were not his wife". 15 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:54,200 - It said that on the internet. - Yeah, I just wonder whether you shouldn't mention 16 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,840 some of the other things he did. 17 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,120 - Well, I decided to do mostly the women. - Well, I'm just... 18 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:03,040 I'm just wondering about the second part where you're meant 19 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,800 to write your own Martin Luther King speech. 20 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,720 - I did it. - Yes, "I have a dream" - good start - 21 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:13,920 "that one day I'll stop going out to make speeches all the time 22 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:18,360 "and spend time with my children like grown-ups are supposed to." 23 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:25,280 - Is this about me, Karen? - No, it's about Martin Luther King. 24 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:30,920 - Dad, stop doing the feet! - Another world record... YES! 25 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:36,040 - Ben! - Oops... - You have got to wear the safety cord around your wrist. 26 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:41,040 - You very nearly broke the telly. How many times have I told you? - I don't know, 12? 27 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:46,400 - Right. You are disqualified. - Why? - Disqualified for not wearing the safety cord. 28 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,440 - You're last. - Dad, you're last. 29 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,880 - No, I'm seventh. - You're not disqualifying me cos I didn't wear the... 30 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,280 Right, another race. This time, I'm not being Princess Peach. 31 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,960 Listen, Karen, I hate having to work full-time, 32 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,080 but since what happened to Dad... 33 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:05,600 It's a mum's duty to pick up her children from school. 34 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,240 But most women have to work! 35 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:12,080 See? You're getting aggressive. That's what happens to women 36 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,680 that work like men - they start turning into men. 37 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:20,160 They get hair on their chest and then smash up town centres. 38 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:25,120 - Look, Karen, you want to have a career when you grow up, don't you? - Yes, I want lots of careers. 39 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,240 That's great, and you can, because thousands of women fought for the right. 40 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:33,320 And whilst they were fighting, who was picking up their children from school? 41 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:38,320 - Well... wha... Why can't men do that? - Because they're useless. 42 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,680 They forget your book folder. 43 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,320 Oh, you're just being silly now, Karen. 44 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,440 See? You're getting aggressive. You'll get hairy. 45 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,240 Yes, I win again! 46 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,600 Why are you doing the feet? 47 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,160 - Will you just... - Look, Dad, you're in with a chance of coming seventh. Oh, no. 48 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,120 - Epic fail. - Which one's you? The one on the ground wheezing? 49 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,320 You're only better than me because you play this all the time. 50 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,000 See, it's just... 51 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,840 - Jake, I'm talking. That is rude! - No, it's not! 52 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,720 - Yes, it is, isn't it, Sue? - Hm? 53 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,080 Oh! 54 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,880 It is rude to text when someone is talking. 55 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,480 Well, yeah, but it's only you. 56 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,960 - DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it! 57 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,280 It might be someone selling something. I like those. 58 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,080 - Go! - Cheat! I hadn't even picked up the remote. 59 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,280 - It's Gran! - OK. 60 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,120 - Pete, it's your mum. - You're putting me off. 61 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,840 - Hi, Sandra. - Hello, Sue. 62 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:41,320 - Why's he moving his feet? - Cup of tea? - Yes, please. 63 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,000 - I'm overtaking you, you're going to lose this one. - We'd better stop, 64 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,680 - your gran's here. - But...that's not fair. 65 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:52,440 It's his hand-eye co-ordination. He was the same with conkers. 66 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,080 What was that nickname the other boys had for you? 67 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,360 We weren't expecting you, Mum. Is there a problem? 68 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:01,720 Oh, I just wanted a little chat about Bob's funeral tomorrow. 69 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:07,640 - Oh, hello, Ben. How's big school? I hear you got mugged. - Yeah. 70 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,880 - Did they take much? - Yeah. 71 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:14,800 - Has it happened to other children in your class? - Yeah, most of them. 72 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,320 - And the gym teacher. They stole his hockey stick. - It's ridiculous. 73 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,080 What do the police say? 74 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,680 They say, "Hand over your things without a fight." 75 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,040 They should get really small policemen and disguise them 76 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:27,320 as school children. 77 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:31,320 - Good thought. - And give them mobile phones with tracking devices. 78 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:36,000 - Brilliant. - With the germs of the bubonic plague in them 79 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,440 so that the muggers will catch it 80 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:45,000 and they'll get big boils that pop and burst and go all icky. 81 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,960 And then all their family will catch it and then they'll be wiped out. 82 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,160 Right. Well... 83 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,440 And they'll use the tracking devices 84 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,040 to go round picking up all the dead bodies. 85 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,440 She's really thought this through, hasn't she? 86 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,240 Karen, come on. Go off and finish your reading homework. 87 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,560 Cack-hands! That was the nickname. 88 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,800 - What's all this about the funeral, then? - Well... 89 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,360 Your Uncle Victor was doing the eulogy 90 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:19,120 but he got all excited about his new hip so he went parascending yesterday and broke the other one. 91 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:23,160 Anyway, the family all had a chat and we thought it would be best 92 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:27,440 - if you did the eulogy for Bob. - But, I'm only Bob's nephew. What about, erm... Alice? 93 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,160 - With her stammer? - Tom? - It's at midday, he'll be drunk. 94 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,760 - Cousin Justin? - It's at midday. 95 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:37,320 - OK. Hang on, why can't you... - I lack the warmth thing. 96 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,120 Look, it's not a problem, Victor's already written the eulogy, 97 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,280 all you have to do is read it out. 98 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,160 I told them you could manage that. 99 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,760 OK. 100 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,120 What about Rufus? 101 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:54,280 His Tourette's is getting worse. His wedding was embarrassing enough. 102 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,040 You'd think he could get through "I do". 103 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:01,400 So, Peter, what's this about you messing up at work? 104 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,640 - I need to watch the news for PSHE. - But you watched it yesterday. 105 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:10,400 Yes, it changes every day. That's why it's called the news, tosspiece. 106 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,480 No, it doesn't change every day, tosspiece. 107 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,920 I mean, there are always people standing in front of Parliament 108 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,680 and it's always raining and there's always an Irish woman in Africa, 109 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,640 there's always someone ducking and... 110 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,880 - And they are different people! - Well, how do you know? 111 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,800 - Cos I listen to the words rather than just looking at the pictures. - Who's that? 112 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,280 - It's Prince Andrew. - Oh, he sells guns. 113 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:37,720 No, he doesn't SELL guns, he just... hangs out with people who sell guns. 114 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:43,200 - I wonder if he's a hitman like his father? - For the last time, Ben, Prince Philip is not a hit man. 115 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,560 - Every royal family are a mafia family. - No, they're not a mafia, 116 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,040 they're the Royal Family. 117 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,760 it was a perfectly straightforward situation... 118 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,680 A junior member of my department was being utterly unprofessional 119 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:07,200 so I told the head that it was the other teacher or me. 120 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,760 And, obviously, knowing that to lose me, 121 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:16,560 the senior member of staff, would be insane, I offered my resignation. 122 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,960 - Which he accepted. - Yes. - By text. - Yes. - That evening. 123 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,160 Look, it was an insane decision. 124 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,800 But surely you can still back down and withdraw your resignation. 125 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:30,040 - What, grovel? It was a matter of principle, wasn't it, Sue? - Well... 126 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,120 Yes... 127 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:36,440 - But I suppose technically you could still... - Look, I found supply work all last week, didn't I? 128 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,600 Yes. 129 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:42,040 And actually, intellectually, it is very liberating 130 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:46,480 facing the challenge of a class with very few English-speaking pupils. 131 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:52,000 And we got a lot done, once I'd improvised a sort of partition 132 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,920 down the middle of the classroom between the Ethiopians and the Eritreans. 133 00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:01,440 It's history in action. I'm seeing a whole new side to life. 134 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,200 - TV: - The pound fell against the euro and the dollar... 135 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,840 The pound - it's always going up or down. 136 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,360 We should go back to the olden days where we used livestock for money, 137 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,680 like sheep or chickens. All the other countries have a coin and we have a chicken. 138 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,920 - What happens when you would like to buy a chicken? - You buy one with chickens. 139 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,720 - How much is one worth in chickens? - People don't sell... 140 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,520 How do you get change from a chicken? 141 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,400 Eggs. 142 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:30,880 So, Sue, would you still have gone full-time if Peter hadn't gone and burnt his bridges? 143 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,160 Well... 144 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,560 Mum, this eulogy for Bob, it doesn't mention Bernard. 145 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,600 Well, I think Uncle Victor thought it would create too many ripples. 146 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,000 There's some in the family haven't come to terms with Bob's gay phase. 147 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:50,880 "Phase"? Bob and Bernard have been together for the last 14 years. 148 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:55,240 Look, Peter, I'm perfectly at home with... gaiety. 149 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,280 But we've got to think of Dorothy. 150 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,520 It's a shock finding your husband prefers men. 151 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,320 She took it very personally, him coming out in Sainsbury's like that. 152 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:09,760 - But Bernard'll be really upset if he's ignored. - Oh, he's used to that. 153 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,680 The family have ignored him for years. 154 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:15,880 I can't do a eulogy for Bob that doesn't mention Bernard. 155 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:21,160 - Well, it's up to you, but if I was you, I... - Hang on, what about Hettie? She could do the eulogy. 156 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:26,400 Hettie - who went round telling everyone Bob was diabolically possessed? 157 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,800 All right, I'd forgotten about the whole exorcism thing. 158 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,520 Ben! You don't make cheese on toast in the toaster. 159 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,480 - Yeah, but it's called cheese on toast. - Yes, but... 160 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,200 - What if I turn it on its side? - No! 161 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:46,160 - OK, I'll put it in the microwave. - Look, no! 162 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,560 Just walk away, I'll make you some. 163 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,680 I'd like to come to Uncle Bob's funeral, if that's all right. 164 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,040 Well, yeah, of course, if you want to. 165 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,960 If you'd like to pay your respects, I think that would be nice. 166 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,480 Ben's out by the dustbins with the glow in the dark paint again. 167 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,560 Ben! Leave those snails alone! 168 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,560 - He can't hear you. - I'll text him. 169 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,880 What has he done here? 170 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,920 Pete, I just happened to be talking to Denzil, you know, 171 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,800 from your old school, about the quiz night, 172 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,640 and he mentioned that they haven't actually replaced you yet. 173 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,640 You just "happened" to speak to Denzil, 174 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:32,000 who you never speak to, about the quiz night that we never go to. 175 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,960 Well, I just thought you'd like to know that if you wanted to, you could still... 176 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,960 - You want me to go back and grovel to the headmaster. - Of course not! 177 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,920 Absolutely not, no. 178 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,200 Though, of course, you would only be grovelling outwardly. 179 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,680 - Inwardly, the real Pete... - Oh, for God's sake! 180 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:57,080 - Is this Ben's "Will slugs survive global warming?" experiment? - No, it's yesterday's burnt fish fingers... 181 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:01,480 - I've been working, Ok? - If Jake's going to the funeral then I want to go too. 182 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,640 I liked Uncle Bob as well. 183 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,480 Ben, it's not a party, it's a religious service. 184 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:11,160 You know how bored you got when Gran took you to church. 185 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,720 Yeah, but the juice and cookies bit was good. 186 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,120 Wine and wafers. 187 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,720 And you shouldn't have gone up for that bit anyway. 188 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:24,920 - Oh, you're so gay. - Ben! I've told you about using the word gay in that way. 189 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,920 and, apart from anything else, Uncle Bob and Uncle Bernard were gay. 190 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:33,720 - Were they? - Yes. - What, both of them? - Yes. 191 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,240 I liked him. Uncle Bob taught me how to dive. 192 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,160 Yeah, I just wish he'd mentioned you're only supposed to do it into water, but... 193 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:44,000 I really want to say goodbye to him. If Jake can pay his respects, 194 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,480 why aren't my respects worth as much as his? 195 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:51,120 Jane said that she took Alexa to her gran's funeral 196 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,400 and she said it really helped. 197 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,920 - Yes. Yes, seeing as you're being so grown up about it. Yes. - Yay! 198 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,080 - Do I get to see the dead body? - No! 199 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,480 Nyah. 200 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,280 I'm going to a funeral, Jake! 201 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,720 - What?! How come you can go and I can't? That's not fair! - > 202 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,760 She's too young to go, isn't she? 203 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,000 - No-one is going to stop me... - > - Absolutely. No, she's too young. 204 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:19,320 - If anyone tries to tell me I can't go I'll go absolutely nuts! - > 205 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,400 DOOR SLAMS 206 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,720 Mind you... nine. 207 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,720 You've come down to play Wii at four o'clock in the morning? 208 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,440 No. 209 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,600 No, I couldn't sleep, I came down here to rewrite the eulogy a bit. 210 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,720 And, as it happens, now I'm on a break, 211 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,480 which happens to be on the Wii. 212 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,640 - I could hear you swearing from upstairs. - I came third. 213 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,440 I can't decide whether to call Bernard a "partner" 214 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,320 or a "companion". 215 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:05,200 - What's this you've crossed out? "Boyfriend". - That was a first draft. 216 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,480 What do you think of flat mate? I mean, it's technically correct. 217 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,080 - Lodger? - Toy boy? Joke. 218 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,600 But no, you're right to mention him. 219 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:22,360 Um... See, I was thinking, um, if you didn't mind taking the children to the funeral, 220 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,760 then I could really get cracking on Ben's room. 221 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:28,560 You'll be gone eight hours, I reckon, and I could really make a good start. 222 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,680 - Sue... Sue... I know what you're thinking. - Well, what if... if? 223 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:35,640 Listen, it is not going to happen to you twice. 224 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,640 If you say so. 225 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,600 Come on, let's get some sleep. 226 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,400 Oh, have a look outside. 227 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,360 Ben's glow-in-the-dark snails actually look rather cool. 228 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,880 Oh, yeah. 229 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,200 Is this fruit bread mouldy? 230 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,080 That's not even fruit bread, bung it in the compost. 231 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,800 - Any better? - I don't know how I did it. 232 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:03,200 Well, I wonder if it's the three hours you spent playing on the Wii. 233 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,680 - Will anybody cry at Uncle Bob's funeral? - It's possible, 234 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,960 but the important thing to remember about this funeral, Karen, 235 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,680 - is that it's not a sad day. - Well, it is for Uncle Bob. - Well, yeah, 236 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:21,280 - but it's a celebration of his life. - Surely he should've done that before he died. 237 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,520 That would've been better cos then he would've been able to come. 238 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,240 I think he would've liked that much more. 239 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:30,280 Look, why don't we, um, take you through the day, 240 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:34,320 - what happens at a funeral? - I know what happens at a funeral. 241 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:39,200 They put the coffin in the ground and the men fire guns at it. 242 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,080 - Well.. - And then... - Well, shoot over it. - the Pope asks... - The Pope?! 243 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,440 ..if anybody has a good reason why the person shouldn't go to heaven. 244 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,720 And no-one ever says anything. 245 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,120 As I say, why don't we take you through... 246 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,680 - I went to a cremation once. - No, you've never been to a... 247 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,440 Yeah, but I was really tiny and there was this bouncy castle. 248 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,240 - And a magician. - What?! 249 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:06,920 And I remember this body that was going round and round on this pole over a fire. 250 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,400 That was a hog roast. 251 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,920 Anyway, it's going to be very different today. 252 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:16,960 There'll be songs and prayers, and then the vicar and, 253 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:22,000 and me will talk about some memories we have of Uncle Bob. 254 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:27,600 And then eventually the coffin goes behind a curtain so it can be cremated. 255 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:32,760 Which is the bit that can be a bit scary. But it is mostly symbolic. 256 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:36,200 Just as long as Uncle Bob's body isn't really in there. 257 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,920 - No, it is in there. - What?! 258 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,400 What if he's not really dead yet?! 259 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:49,840 - Well, they check really carefully. - But I hear stories on the news all the time about doctors that 260 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,320 think people are dead and then 261 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,400 they're in their coffin and they sit up and ask where their dinner is. 262 00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:00,320 In Victorian times they had a bell they'd give to dead people 263 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,360 so they could ring it in their coffin if they weren't dead. 264 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,200 - That's sensible. - Maybe they've done that. Anyway... 265 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,680 - Well, have they or haven't they? - Karen! 266 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:14,240 What we need, to check if he's alive or not, is some sort of emergency device. 267 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:19,360 - You're going to get... - If he woke up and was like "Oh, my God, I'm in a coffin, I'll die, there's no food!" 268 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,480 and he got all claustrophobic there could be a button saying, erm, Ejector Coffin. 269 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,680 An ejector coffin? 270 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:28,560 So if he pressed it the coffin would shoot out of the ground and land... 271 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:34,200 - Well, how would...? - But then, er, what if it hits someone? 272 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,960 - Then they'd be dead and he'd be alive... Or you could get a trained badger. - Ben! 273 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,120 - We're not going to need any of this. - ..Tap the badger, and then the badger. 274 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:46,680 Ben, I swear he won't need a bell or...a badger. 275 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,880 - What about an armadillo? - Or an ejector coffin, because he's... 276 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,800 ..no more. And that's sad. 277 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:58,760 But we're past the sad bit and today is a celebration - 278 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,160 a happy celebration - of his life. 279 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,360 - OK? - OK. 280 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,480 - Thanks for all your help there. - You were doing such a good job, 281 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,600 I just thought I'd let you roll. 282 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,720 I'm going to stick with this. 283 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,200 "Not forgetting the 14 happy years 284 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,880 "he spent with his loving partner, Bernard." 285 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,160 - Can we take some cookies with us? - Karen! 286 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,640 What are you wearing?! 287 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,680 A dress. 288 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,640 Well, it's... It's just that it's a bit bright for a funeral. 289 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,480 But it's a happy day! He said so. 290 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,600 Yes, it's a happy day where people usually wear black. 291 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,640 But black's not a happy colour. 292 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,240 Black's the colour of beetles and school shoes 293 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,040 and Miss Barrington's enormous eyebrows. 294 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,160 It's usually seen as a sign of respect to wear black at a funeral. 295 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,840 - But... - And Aunty Dorothy - his, 296 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,800 sort of, widow - she's quite traditional. 297 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:02,520 But Uncle Bob said he liked this dress. He said, "Karen, that's a very nice dress." 298 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,240 - You could wear that cool black top from Bella's pirate party. - No, she can't. 299 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:11,120 - That's quite smart. - It's got a skull and crossbones on the back. - I'm wearing this dress. 300 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,320 She can't wear that dress. It's a funeral - it's meant to be sad. 301 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,640 With a strong element of celebration. 302 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,320 Celebration in black. 303 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,760 H-Happy black. Celebration... 304 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,720 Oh, Sue...are you all right? 305 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,520 No, it's OK. I've not been crying - 306 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:32,600 I've just got some of the Deep Heat I was rubbing in to Pete's neck in my eye. 307 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,200 I'd better go and... 308 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:45,640 So, have you gone back to the headmaster about your job? 309 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,400 Hello, Mum, how are you? 310 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,480 No, I haven't. 311 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,000 You made a mistake there. 312 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,640 I tried to teach you when you were young - no-one's indispensable. 313 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,080 You did. I remember you telling me that when you had my rabbit put down. 314 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,240 You haven't changed it, have you? 315 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,160 I'm just going to say, 316 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,520 "Not forgetting the 14 happy years 317 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,520 "he spent with his loving partner, Bernard." 318 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,240 Are you? 319 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:15,120 Only Tom was just saying he hopes no-one brings up anything that demeans a solemn occasion. 320 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,560 - Was he? - I think that's what he said. It was a bit slurred. 321 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,080 Oh, great(!) 322 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,920 - And once I've said, "Hello, Peter," I'll introduce you. - OK. 323 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,560 - Is that the eulogy? - Er, yeah. I didn't actually write it, so if... 324 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,480 - Actually, I've rewritten it a little... - Yes. How long is it? 325 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,680 - How long? - Two minutes, three minutes? 326 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,560 - Er, well, maybe four minutes. - Ooh, three minutes would be better. 327 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,520 We're a bit behind. 328 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,520 I'm sorry, Peter, but these days it's like everything else - 329 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,280 - sell 'em cheap, stack 'em high. - Right. 330 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,760 The last lot were nearly ten minutes over! 331 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,680 The guy giving the eulogy kept sobbing, so it really spread. 332 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,960 Well, I'll try not to show any emotion. 333 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,680 Oh, and the organist made a right pig's ear of Lady Gaga's Let's Dance. 334 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,640 He was used to the usual version, 335 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,840 but they insisted on some Colby O'Donis remix. 336 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,400 Anyway, not to worry. If you start running over, 337 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,520 - I'll give you the red light. - The red light? 338 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,480 Three flicks. On and off. 339 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,160 But if you could cut a few lines, that'd be great. 340 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,480 Dorothy. 341 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,640 Don't worry - you'll be fine. 342 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,760 It's not going to happen to you today. 343 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,320 God, you're small. 344 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,720 Was Uncle Bob always gay? 345 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,240 Even when he was married? 346 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,400 Well, yes, I think so. 347 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,000 The house was always full of Judy Garland records. 348 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,280 That's a bit homophobic! 349 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,440 What? Saying that a gay man is more interested in a certain type of music, 350 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,400 or more interested in clothes? That's not homophobic. 351 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,320 That's just...true. 352 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560 - Yeah, Mum's right. - You know nothing about it! 353 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:05,160 - Jeremy Clarkson wears cool clothes and he's gay. - Jeremy Clarkson is not gay, you idiot. 354 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,080 Yeah, he is. He lives with two men. 355 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,640 Yeah, on TV. That's on TV. He has... 356 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,520 Oh, that's enough, boys. Come on. We'd better go in. 357 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,920 - Hey, Uncle Bernard! - Oh, hello, you two... 358 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,480 - (Pretty dress, Karen.) - See! 359 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,760 I always liked Uncle Bob. 360 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,720 Whenever I asked, he'd always show me his extra toe. 361 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,080 Yes, I liked that about him, too. 362 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:35,000 - Look, Mum, if you don't think about it, it won't happen. - Thanks a lot. 363 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,200 And now you've made me think about it. 364 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,360 God, it is like the Spanish Inquisition. 365 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:44,280 - Everyone keeps asking if I've added anything to this. - Well, I dunno. 366 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,000 Maybe you shouldn't. 367 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,480 What?! 368 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,160 But you said I... 369 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:59,360 Where we all may settle down in the care of our lord. 370 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,160 And now Peter is going to continue our celebration 371 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,640 by sharing some memories of Bob with us. 372 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,920 So, what can you say about Bob? 373 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,720 And he always stayed close to his brothers, Tom and Victor, 374 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,560 and, of course, his sister, Sandra. 375 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,720 They were close - 376 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:40,880 not only in the friendship they enjoyed, but also geographically. 377 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,920 In fact, Bob joked that he could never get away from them 378 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,960 because wherever he moved, they followed. 379 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,520 Of course, what brought him to Woking... 380 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,800 SUE SNORTS ..was meeting Dorothy... 381 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:06,200 ..who was not only a wife, but a friend for the dozen successful years they lived there. 382 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,960 They say all good things have to come to an end... 383 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,120 SHE GIGGLES 384 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:17,720 ..but that time was an incredibly important part of Bob's life... 385 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,120 SHE SWALLOWS A GIGGLE 386 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:24,080 ..not forgetting the 14 happy years Bob spent... 387 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,920 ..with his... 388 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,440 With his... 389 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,920 With his memories, 390 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,720 after his amicable separation from Dorothy. 391 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,360 SHE SQUEAKS 392 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,640 Anyhow, this isn't a mournful gay. 393 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,680 Day. SHE GIGGLES 394 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,000 It's a day to celebrate and to... 395 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,440 SHE CHUCKLES 396 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,640 It's... It's a... 397 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,600 It's a form of grief. It's, er... 398 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,920 SUSAN LAUGHS LOUDLY 399 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,280 She isn't actually finding it funny. 400 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,880 It's a nervous...thing. 401 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,840 It happened at her mother's funeral. 402 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,280 Anyhow, that's, er... That's about it. 403 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,760 I'd just like to mention some of the other people who were important to Bob. 404 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,280 Er... 405 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:30,760 Hettie, James, Justin and Vera. 406 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,120 And Bob's loving partner, Bernard. 407 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,040 Thank you, Peter. 408 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,680 Lovely tribute. 409 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,320 And next we're going to the song today. 410 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,000 A song that Bob chose himself. 411 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,320 A song made famous by Judy Garland. 412 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,600 Somewhere Over The Rainbow. 413 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,400 - SONG PLAYS ON ORGAN - See! 414 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:01,760 Er...he is definitely dead in there, isn't he? 415 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:10,200 I don't call that much of a celebration, Mum. 416 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,240 You were the only one that seemed happy. 417 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,640 Yes. 418 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,000 That wasn't quite what I was aiming for. 419 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:22,280 Well, don't worry. Most people's abiding memory will be of Rufus's Tourette's during the final blessing. 420 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,120 - I-I'm so sorry. - Don't worry. 421 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,640 Grief affects people in weird ways. 422 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,160 I'm REALLY sorry... I just... 423 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:35,080 I just don't think I've ever really got over Mum, and... 424 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,640 it just seemed to stir up lots... PETE! 425 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:39,000 Hmm? 426 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,240 Oh, sorry, I'm just texting Denzil to see if I've been replaced. 427 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:47,360 Look, I know you hate working full-time, so, if you want... 428 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,320 I'll go and see the head, 429 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,600 eat humble pie and see if there's any chance of getting my job back. 430 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,680 No, sod it, life's too short. 431 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,000 And I'm glad you mentioned Bernard. 432 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,040 Do you know, so am I. 433 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,800 All this "poor Dorothy" stuff. 434 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,840 She was enough to turn anyone gay. 435 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,360 No, Peter. Well done. 436 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,360 I'm proud of you. 437 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,520 Bloody hell! Grief really does affect people in weird ways. 438 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,480 Ben, there is no life after death. 439 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,440 - This is how I think it works. - Ben... - If you live a bad life, 440 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,920 like, er... Like Hitler did, 441 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:27,120 then you could come back as a crappy thing like a wasp. 442 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,600 - But then... - A wasp?! - ..if Hitler was a good wasp, 443 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,760 then he could come back as the Archbishop of Canterbury. 444 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:39,240 So, the Archbishop of Canterbury used to be a wasp? 445 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,880 - And before that he was Hitler? - No! It's an example. 446 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,520 - Well, examples to... - He could've been an alien! 447 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,120 Oh, no! 448 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,480 Karen's talking to Uncle Tom again. 449 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,120 - I know he's a bit hammered, but does it matter? - Yes. 450 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:57,440 She's got inside his head about Bob still being alive in the coffin. 451 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,400 - How can anyone be a good wasp? - You know - 452 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,600 doing good wasp things. 453 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,720 - Not stinging people, er, being nice to the Queen... - What are you... 454 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,240 Being nice to other wasps. Erm, yeah! 455 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:17,400 Well, you've probably been killed loads of times in your past life, cos you never shut up. 456 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,440 Good try. 457 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:24,120 Under four minutes. We'd have finished on time if it hadn't been for that giggling fit. 458 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,200 Well, she couldn't help herself. 459 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,000 I thought it was nice that you mentioned Bernard. 460 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,880 Oh, thank you. 461 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,240 - So, did you know Bob and Bernard? - Yes, I did. 462 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,200 In fact, I knew Bob in Woking before he met Bernard. 463 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,040 Oh, so are you a friend of Dorothy? 464 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,760 ..and Bob. 465 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,960 Bob and Dorothy as a... As a couple. 466 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,240 Thank you very much for a lovely service. I've got to, er... 467 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:52,280 mingle. 468 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:02,920 Oh, hi, Bernard. 469 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,440 Did you, um... 470 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:07,960 like how I mentioned you? 471 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,920 I wish you hadn't. 472 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,000 I specifically asked Victor not to. 473 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,640 I prefer to stay out of the limelight. 474 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,200 CHEERING ON GAMES CONSOLE 475 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,040 Yes! First place! GAME BLEEPS 476 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,680 New world record! 477 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:29,760 SMASHING 478 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,280 DOGS BARK 479 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,200 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd