1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,000 I'm just saying I'm surprised that's all, Karen. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,160 because you've always said that when you grow up you want 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,520 to be a zoologist or a vigilante and now you're saying you want to be... 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,360 - Something in fashion, yes. - It's not very exciting! 5 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,720 Well, fashion is very exciting! 6 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,440 One day black's in and then the next day brown's the new black 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,080 and the next day black's the new brown! 8 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,920 That's very exciting, waking up and not knowing what colour's are cool. 9 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:29,840 - Yeah, but... - And I have my future all planned out. 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:34,320 Tanya's going to start a global fashion house called 'Tanya', 11 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:39,360 with a little T and a big Y, and then I'm going to be her assistant. 12 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:44,640 - Her assistant?! Well, why should you be her assis... - Archie! 13 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,720 - DOG BARKS - Hello, Archie! 14 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,840 - Nice walk? - Well, HE enjoyed it. 15 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,480 He got to crap in the middle of the floral clock 16 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,400 and sniffed a lot of new bottoms, most of them dogs. 17 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,600 The only minus was that the squirrels 18 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,720 - kept cheating by running up trees. - When can WE get a dog? - Yeah. 19 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,200 The only reason we're dog-sitting Archie is 20 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,880 so you kids could prove you could look after a dog. 21 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,000 And in three days, Jake, you haven't once taken him for a walk 22 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,960 and all you've done, Karen, is dress him in girl's clothes, 23 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,640 paint his toenails and feed him chocolate mints, 24 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,560 which proved to be very bad news for the living room carpet. 25 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,120 But it doesn't matter about the living room carpet 26 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,880 - because that's cream. - Well, it was. - And cream is very 1990s. 27 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,840 - Who are you - Gok Wan?! - Why... 28 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,600 - why does he keep following me about? - Because you mean food. 29 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,920 We're his pack, and you're the pack leader. 30 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,680 Well, if I'm the pack-leader, why doesn't he obey me?! Archie... 31 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,680 Bed! Archie! Bed! 32 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,000 See?! 33 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,280 - What's that you're doing? - Biology. - With a guitar? 34 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,640 I'm just writing a song while I'm doing it. 35 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,080 It's only 'Evolution', it's not hard. 36 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,680 Yeah, God knows what took Darwin so long to work it out, 37 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,280 - the lightweight. - Is evolution the one that says 38 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,280 that humans started off 39 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,960 as little blobs of jelly and then they evoluted into mammals? 40 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,760 Well, not just humans, Karen. See Archie? 41 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,200 He's the perfect example of evolution 42 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,640 because basically what you have there is a wolf. 43 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:20,400 A very dim wolf... Possibly a special needs wolf. 44 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,520 Archie's not dim! Dogs are very clever. 45 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,960 - They're not as clever as wolves. - They are cleverer than wolves! 46 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,600 - No, they're not. - They had the brains to come inside and live with us. 47 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:36,200 - Yes, but that doesn't make them... - And get people to give them food 48 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,600 out of tins and give them a basket, 49 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,560 so they won't have to go chasing elks through the snow for days. 50 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,640 Loads of species are cleverer than dogs. 51 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,560 I read an article that said crows are cleverer than dogs. 52 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,960 - Crows aren't brighter than dogs! - They are! - Can crows fetch a stick? 53 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,520 - Well, they use sticks as tools. - Can they fetch the newspaper? 54 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,040 Well, maybe, if you gave him the money. 55 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,440 No shiny coins though, they'd just keep those. 56 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,480 I think dogs are the cleverest animals. 57 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,600 - A squid's the cleverest animal. - How's a squid a clever animal?! 58 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,520 Squids are highly intelligent, they've done all sorts of tests. 59 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,440 - What, squids have done lots of tests? - No, scientists! 60 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,440 Can't be that clever or they wouldn't end up as calamari! 61 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,440 Salamanders are really clever. 62 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,680 Because you rip off one of their arms and they just grow it back! 63 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,720 - Doesn't make them clever. - Can you do that? - If I just got an axe 64 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,480 and hacked off one of your arms, could you just suddenly grow it out? 65 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,480 - No. - Could you? - No. - Exactly. You're just one down from a lizard, really. 66 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,960 Well, I can't cling vertically to walls and I don't eat cicadas, 67 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:37,320 it doesn't make any... I...I'm still clever! I'm much cleverer than a lizard! 68 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,360 PHONE RINGS Where's the phone? 69 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,680 Why can't anybody ever put it on the... 70 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,200 Oh... Archie, get... 71 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:49,720 - Archie! - PHONE CONTINUES 72 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:53,560 Excuse me. I think this'll be for me... Hello... 73 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,800 - Oh, hi Ben, how's adventure camp? - What blood group am I? 74 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,960 - What blood...are you OK?! - No, I'm fine. 75 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,280 Why do you want to know your blood group? 76 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,160 Just something Mr Hunslet said. 77 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,000 He saw me doing the assault course with my eyes shut for a bet 78 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,200 and he said, "Ooh, we'd better find out what blood group you are". 79 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,400 Yeah, um, that sounds like he might have said it as a joke. 80 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,080 Well, I thought of that, 81 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,200 but it's kinda hard to tell when Mr Hunslet's doing a joke, 82 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:23,000 because he's got that smile like his face has got stuck. 83 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:28,880 Have we got any friends whose children aren't being sponsored for charity? 84 00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:35,120 Walking up Kilimanjaro? That's a holiday! 85 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,000 I'll say it got stuck in the spam filter. 86 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,360 - KAREN: - I want my Ugg boots! 87 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,960 - Where are my Ugg boots!? - She doesn't have Ugg boots. 88 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,640 No, she's just written Ugg on the side of her boots. 89 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:52,000 - Where's she going anyway? - Oh, a sleepover at Tanya's house. 90 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,440 You know, she's totally in awe of this girl, 91 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,880 and her little witches coven. 92 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,920 - I think she's going to feel left out. - Right. 93 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:11,240 - So...planning any band rehearsals this weekend? - Maybe. 94 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:17,160 Only you seem to have had a lot of those recently...band rehearsals. 95 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,560 Only, um, Donny's mum said that Donny hadn't been going 96 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:22,960 to any band rehearsals. 97 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,440 - That's because Donny's no longer in the band. - Oh, why's that? 98 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,600 Musical differences. He wanted to move away from grunge folk 99 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,880 towards semi garage. 100 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,080 - Also, he punched Mikey in the face. - Right. 101 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,760 Are you satisfied with that answer? Or would you like to water board me? 102 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,800 No, listen. No, I'm just... 103 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,400 I'm, I'm just, I'm really just interested 104 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,520 I just was taking a casual interest in... 105 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,160 in...what you're up to. 106 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,360 - So, you're enjoying yourself? - Yeah! 107 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,240 We've just played British Bulldog. 108 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,360 - What does 'feral' mean? - Feral? Something else Mr Hunslet said? 109 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,680 - Yeah. - Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. - So, what blood group am I? - Um... 110 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:13,560 - Sue? What blood group's Ben? - Well, um...one of the ones. 111 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:19,200 - Got to go, otherwise they'll hear me. - Ben! 112 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,720 Ben! Ben!? 113 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,240 - DOORBELL RINGS - OK, Karen! 114 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:28,240 - It's Molly's mum, so... - It's OK, I'll get it! 115 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:32,200 It's OK, I won't say anything embarrassing! 116 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,360 You don't have to say anything! 117 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,800 - Well, have a nice... - FRONT DOOR SLAMS 118 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,840 ARCHIE BARKS 119 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:43,560 - It's OK, Archie, it's only Dad. - Archie. 120 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,360 I'll buy him off with a biscuit. 121 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,880 This is empty. It was half full yesterday, how's that happened? 122 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,440 It's those eyes! 123 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,160 - If I don't feed him, he gives me the eyes. - See, Dad? He is quite clever. 124 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,760 He's worked out that it's survival of the cutest. 125 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,120 He's had both of those packs of dog biscuits. 126 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,160 - Apart from the ones Ben ate. - BIN CLATTERS 127 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,200 Archie, out of there! Come on now, come on. 128 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,200 So, it's just the three of us tonight. 129 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,960 - Archie! - Do you fancy watching a classic movie? 130 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,040 No, because you'll just talk through every scene telling me 131 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:20,120 how brilliant it is. I didn't hear a word of Citizen Kane. 132 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,520 How about playing FIFA? 133 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,200 - No, no, not PlayStation. - Scared I'll beat you? 134 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,760 Well, of course you'd beat me at that. I'd murder you at... 135 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,880 tiddlywinks. 136 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,040 There's a game called tiddlywinks? 137 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:37,360 Yeah, you flick little bits of plastic into a pot. 138 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,280 That sounds way too addictive for me. 139 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,520 God, you're heavy! 140 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:50,360 So, why are forests like this so important to our planet, hmmm? 141 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,000 Anyone?! 142 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,960 OK, Ben... 143 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,880 Forests are important because they produce oxygen. 144 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,960 They're the lungs of the planet. Without them humanity would become extinct. 145 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:07,760 - That's right! - Although that is going to happen anyway. - Er, well... 146 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,400 - Humans are going to die out. - Well, maybe, but... 147 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,960 No, not maybe, 98% of all the species that have ever 148 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,040 lived have died out eventually. 149 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,400 - That's very interesting Ben, but... - And in 50 billion years, 150 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,120 a galaxy called Andromeda is going to collide with us 151 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:24,160 and annihilate the universe! That'll definitely kill us. 152 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,640 Well, we won't worry about that, after all, 153 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,280 that is 50 billion years away. 154 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,120 Yeah, but a comet could hit us in two minutes. Or now! 155 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:35,280 - All right Ben, that's enough. - Or now! - All right, Lucy, deep breaths. 156 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,280 We wouldn't see it, because most of them 157 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,360 - don't reflect light. - LUCY GASPS 158 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,440 - Get your inhaler, Lucy. - Or a supernova could X-ray us to death. 159 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,480 - Ben! - We wouldn't see that either. - Quiet! 160 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,200 It'd be like being put in a huge microwave. 161 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,040 - OK, head between the legs, Lucy. - As for a super asteroid. 162 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,440 - One more and you're in detention. - Here we go. 163 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,400 - The tellers of truth are always silenced. - Detention! 164 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,800 See? It's Galileo all over again. 165 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,160 It's like having a stalker! 166 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:06,360 No Archie, no, you've had your food. 167 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,800 No, don't give me the eyes. 168 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,360 Don't give me the eyes! 169 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:19,680 No, Archie. All right, one last one. 170 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,960 OK, Jake! Ready! 171 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,880 Ready for...what the hell is that?! 172 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,560 Come on, Arsenal v Spurs, local derby. 173 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:31,360 - What is it? - This is the game I played when I was growing up, 174 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,080 Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get this out for ages. 175 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:37,480 Subbuteo? Why do all your games have the stupidest names? 176 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:41,440 - Subbuteo? - Yeah. - That's not even a word. - Yes, it is. It's Latin. 177 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,040 It means I...subute. Anyway, look I'll take you through the rules. 178 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,000 No, I'm not playing this, it's too...budget. 179 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,960 Budget? Come on, this is a great game! 180 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,080 Well, it's not realistic like FIFA, is it? 181 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,360 That is where you're wrong, because this, in fact, 182 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,080 this is a far realistic representation of football. HE SNIGGERS 183 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,080 - What? - No, yes, it is, because look, 184 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,800 on PlayStation, all you do, is get to control one player at a time 185 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,520 and all the other players just charge around randomly like... England. 186 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,880 Whereas in Subbuteo, it's all about tactics. 187 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,720 - FIFA is... - It's all about moving players and positioning them. 188 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,480 FIFA's realistic, Dad. 189 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,560 If you think that, I am really worried, 190 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,720 cos that means we'll bring through a whole generation of young players 191 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:26,720 who can only run jerkily, in completely straight lines, 192 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,880 who often leave the ball behind them 193 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:33,760 and then occasionally turn through 180 degrees for no apparent reason. 194 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:37,160 Archie, bed. 195 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,400 No more food. 196 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,760 In your bed, in your bed. 197 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:42,960 Bed! 198 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,720 Archie. 199 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,600 Archie?! In your bed! 200 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,400 - FIFA's not realistic. - It's more realistic than this. 201 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:53,360 When Arsenal and Spurs play each other, they don't have two teams 202 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,680 of gay-looking clones, standing with their feet in big blocks 203 00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,840 of cement and the goalie with a huge long stick coming out of his arse. 204 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,600 Well, there's this thing called imagination. 205 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,320 - It's like a computer, only cheaper. - Oh, for... 206 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,800 Jesus! That's the ball?! 207 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,560 - Yeah. - It'd crush them to death. - No, it's just a... 208 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,840 It's like the ball that chases Indiana Jones. 209 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:18,120 Go to bed. In your bed! Archie! Bed! 210 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,080 Bed, Archie. 211 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,400 Archie, bed. 212 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,600 Bed! 213 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:29,080 - You're just running scared. - OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game. - Ah, I don't think so. 214 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,480 You see I won our Scout troop Subbuteo cup five years out of six. 215 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:37,440 It would've been six out of six, but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half. 216 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,120 He was never the same after that. 217 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:44,480 OK! Game's over! In you come! Come on! 218 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:45,840 OK! 219 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,840 Where's Ben?! 220 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,720 Has anyone seen Ben? 221 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,840 OK, who was the last person to see Ben? 222 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,320 BEN! 223 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,440 - Wooargghhh! - THEY SCREAM 224 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,560 Ben! For f... 225 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,720 OK, everyone, keep back, give Lucy some space. 226 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,480 - I haven't killed her, have I? - No. - I know first aid. 227 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,480 She's fine, get back. 228 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,280 - I took a course. - Step AWAY from Lucy! 229 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,680 In your bed! 230 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:21,000 No more food! 231 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,040 Archie, bed! 232 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,120 Bed, Archie! 233 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,960 Bed! 234 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,120 Yay! 235 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,760 SHE SIGHS 236 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,080 You have to flick your player...thus. 237 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,880 But it has to be flick. 238 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,880 Not drag, not a scoop, that's not legal and if you... 239 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,080 PHONE RINGS 240 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,880 Hello? 241 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,600 - Oh, hi, sweetheart, how's the sleepover? - Is that Karen? - Yuh. 242 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,880 She wants to come home, I knew this would happen. 243 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:02,880 Hi darling, is everything... Everything OK? 244 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,480 No, what's gravlax? 245 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,280 - Gravlax? - Yes, Tanya's mum says we were having gravlax 246 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,600 - and I don't know what that is. - Gravlax is salmon. 247 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,840 - Why don't they just call it salmon then? - Well, I... 248 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,600 Anyway, I don't like salmon, it's too orange, I don't eat anything 249 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,440 orange, except for oranges because they admit that they're orange. 250 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,880 Karen, are you OK? 251 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,120 - And here come Cheltenham again! - That's a definite foul! 252 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,680 No foul says the referee! 253 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:34,440 Let's look at the video replay. I've been filming it. 254 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:38,280 Video evidence is not allowed in the modern game by FIFA. 255 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,840 Oh, come on, chopper! 256 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:43,720 Give 'em a couple of knighthoods they might think again. MOBILE RINGS 257 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,520 Hello, mate. 258 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,880 Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. 259 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,080 Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's please? 260 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,280 What, now? 261 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,800 Yeah, he's got the boys over. We're having a jam sesh 262 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,280 and we'll probably finish quite late so...? 263 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,480 Well...well if that's OK with his mum and dad... 264 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,760 Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star. 265 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,560 Why don't you just borrow a pair of high heels 266 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,880 and then you can join in with the other girls' fashion show? 267 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,200 Well, look, darling, why don't you just give it a bit longer 268 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,600 and then if you want to come home give me a ring, OK? 269 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,480 OK, bye. 270 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,240 - Bye! - FRONT DOOR SLAMS Bye! 271 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,680 - Where's he going? - He's staying at Mikey's. 272 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,720 You just said it was OK? Just like that? 273 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,160 They're just having a jamming session. 274 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,160 - That's what he told you! - Sue, it's fine. 275 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,920 - There is something going on, I can feel it. - Feel it? 276 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,440 - Female intuition. - Is this the same female intuition that told you that 277 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,160 Russell Brand was gay? 278 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,160 Well, he's very feminised, he wears women's shirts, it... 279 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,880 Yeah, but he's not gay. 280 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,600 I can't believe you didn't ask Jake any more questions than... 281 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,560 Look, can we just drop this? 282 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:09,240 The next time he goes out I'll tag him electronically or something... 283 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,880 So...we've got the house to ourselves. 284 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,760 Yeah, looks like it. 285 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,960 - Just you and me. - When was the last that happened? - Yeah... 286 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,000 What shall we do then? What did we do before we had kids? 287 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,640 Did we do anything? 288 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,760 Hi, Mr Hunslet. Why are you smoking? Smoking kills. 289 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:48,080 - Look, look, look. "Smoking Kills". - Yes, thank you, Ben. 290 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,520 - Do you know what happens when you smoke? - You're going to tell me! 291 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:56,440 - It builds up all the gunk and tar inside your lungs. - Actually... 292 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,000 - Well, how old are you? - I'm 59. 293 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,400 - Then, I reckon you'll live another two years. - Two years?! 294 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,600 And also how can you ever hope to get a girlfriend... 295 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,600 - or a boyfriend...or whatever you're interested in. - I'm married. 296 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:15,960 - You're married?! - I'm married, Ben. - To a woman? - Yes. 297 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,080 Yes, well, well how can she stand it?! 298 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,280 - Your teeth will start to go yellow. - Ben! 299 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,560 Mr Hunslet, you're my favourite teacher... I really like you... 300 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,440 - even though you DID refer me to the Behavioural Support Unit. - Ben, Ben, 301 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,280 can I tell you, this is the first cigarette I've had in seven months. 302 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:36,080 - Then, what made you start again? - Take a wild guess... 303 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,520 Of course we did things before the kids, 304 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,880 we used to do loads of great stuff. 305 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:47,880 We used to have breakfast in bed, we used to have baths in warm water, 306 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,760 we used to have sex in the daytime! 307 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,560 - Did we? - Yes. 308 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,280 - Are you sure? - Yes! 309 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,200 Are you sure that was me? 310 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,120 We did it a lot! 311 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,320 Well, anyway, we've got the house to ourselves... 312 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,840 we should do something. 313 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,200 - Goal! - No. No goal! 314 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,200 - It was a goal! - No! You dragged it, instead of flicked it! 315 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,400 - I flicked it! - No, you dragged it! - I flicked it! 316 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,280 Please don't insult my intelligence, Sue! It was a drag! 317 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,920 This game is ridiculous. Look at the size of the ball! 318 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,560 That would crush the player to death. 319 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,520 Why's this family so literal? Jesus! OK, my free kick, 10 yards, please. 320 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,880 - What are you doing? - Well, that's enough time for Jake to get to Mikey's, 321 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,160 so you're going to ring to check that he's really there. 322 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,880 Why do I have to do it? 323 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:45,280 - Well, I can't do it, he'll think I'm checking up on him. - Well, you are. 324 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,720 It's OK, I've thought of a pretext. 325 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,200 You know Mikey's Dad, Stewart, he offered you that 326 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,960 James Taylor ticket and you couldn't go, do you remember? 327 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:57,000 Well, this is you ringing, to thank him very much for his kind of offer. 328 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,960 That was six months ago. 329 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,720 Well, a belated thank you, it's perfectly believable, 330 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:05,120 you just thank him for the tickets, make some small talk, 331 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,520 and then, casually, ask whether Jake is there. 332 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,920 No, I am not doing that! 333 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,880 Oh, hi, Stewart, It's Sue Brockman here, I've got Pete for you. 334 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:19,920 This is... Hi, Stewart, yeah, Pete here. Look, Stewart... 335 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:25,480 I've been meaning to phone you to thank you for your very kind 336 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,400 offer of the James Taylor concert ticket. 337 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,960 Yeah, you offered me a ticket to James Taylor. Yeah... 338 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,360 No, it was ages ago. 339 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:40,480 Anyway I should've thanked you and I didn't, 340 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,680 so this is me thanking you. 341 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:45,920 Thanks. 342 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,680 HE MOUTHS 343 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,160 (Small talk, small talk...) 344 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,160 So, um, did you see the England game? 345 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,240 It's incredibly old fashioned, isn't it? 346 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:01,960 I mean, really he should be playing Wilshere in the hole behind the front man and then... 347 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,400 he'd find he's got far more width if he need... 348 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,760 (Casually, about Jake.) 349 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,040 So anyway...is Jake there? 350 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,480 OK, Stewart, yeah, Sue would like a word. 351 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:18,200 Hi, Stewart, no that's fine, thank you, bye. 352 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,120 What the hell did you do that for?! 353 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:26,000 Well, why the hell did you make me... PHONE RINGS 354 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,320 Hello. Oh, hi, Karen. ..She wants you. 355 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,280 Hi, darling. Everything OK? 356 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:37,040 Yeah. I was just ringing to say that the gravlax was fine 357 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:42,760 and only pale orange, and I am having a good time, cos I thought you might be worrying about me. 358 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:47,240 - Well, that's very grown up of you, thank you. - Tanya's house is amazing. 359 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:51,520 - Well, that's nice. - It's much bigger than our house. - Right. 360 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:56,320 - And much cleaner. - Is it? - Yeah, much. 361 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,480 Well, Tanya's Mummy's got that lovely Rwandan cleaning lady 362 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,200 who comes in every day. 363 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,320 And in the bathroom they have this thing that looks like a toilet 364 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,040 but actually isn't a toilet. 365 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,960 But don't worry Tanya's mum was very good about it. 366 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,800 Plus they have two dogs here and now we're going to play... 367 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,520 Right, it's been great talking to you, Karen, 368 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,560 but I must crack on, 369 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,240 I've got to start cleaning our tiny little house. 370 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,800 - Bye. - Is she OK? 371 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:26,880 I don't like her being there with those trainee WAGS and botoxed mum. 372 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:31,880 Still, the good news is, I think she may have crapped in their bidet, 373 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,800 Right, your free-kick. 374 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,400 - TV: - And now on BBC One and BBC One HD, it's time for... 375 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:43,680 Oh, stop banging on about HD! What else is on? 376 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,120 Panel game. Panel game. HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHANNELS 377 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:52,360 Panel game. Panel game. 378 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:59,080 Friends. Panel...no, sorry that's a police press conference. Panel game. 379 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:04,960 Embarrassing Bodies, oh, well that's not that embarrassing. 380 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,640 Oh, no, hang on, no that IS embarrassing. 381 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,560 Hello, Archie! 382 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,800 Who's a lovely boy? 383 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,920 Yes, you are, you're a lovely boy. 384 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,280 Who loves you, Archie? Who loves you? 385 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:23,160 - So, you're missing the kids a bit then? - This is the future. - Hmm? 386 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,520 This is what we've got to look forward to in about ten years' time. 387 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:32,240 - You and me, an empty house... - No. No, it won't be like this at all. 388 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:37,680 - Won't it? - No, we'll be out, it'll be like one long holiday. 389 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,760 Only without the guilt of having to force the kids 390 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,560 into the kids' club, imagine that, enjoyment without guilt, Sue! 391 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,280 I've forgotten what that feels like. 392 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:52,920 - Course they might still be here in ten years' time. - No. No. 393 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,480 Jake will be finishing at university, Karen will be 394 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:01,160 starting university and Ben will be in the Foreign Legion. 395 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,520 We may not be able to afford to send them to university. 396 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,840 - They may never leave. - Oh, Jesus, don't say that. 397 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,680 That wouldn't be so bad, would it? 398 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,200 - PHONE RINGS - I think it would be quite... 399 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,320 Hello... 400 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,560 Mum, we just played this game of, "Who's got the sexiest legs?", 401 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,400 - and I won! - That's nice, darling. 402 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,280 Just say if you want to come home rather than stay over. 403 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,440 No, I'm going to sleep in Tanya's bedroom, she's got a widescreen TV. 404 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,200 Cos I can easily come and get you, it's no problem. 405 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,280 And we just had this fantastic cake that Tanya's mum made. 406 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,480 She's very clever. 407 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:39,120 - Well, she was very clever to ditch her first husband and marry an investment banker. - What? 408 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,760 Nothing, sweetheart, look, I'm glad you're having a good time 409 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,440 but if you need to come home, give me a ring. Bye! 410 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,320 CRASHING COMING FROM OUTSIDE 411 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:52,120 Oh, God, that'll be the fox at the bins again. 412 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,280 How did he get that breezeblock off the lid? 413 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,320 Can you really not remember us having sex in the daytime? 414 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,360 - Or are you just winding me up? - Of course I can remember! 415 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:18,320 And as the boy laid in bed, on the first night away from home, 416 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:22,680 he didn't see the tentacles of the gigantic mutated 417 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,200 squid from Andromeda creeping up on him. 418 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,720 Suddenly! He was snatched into the air, 419 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,440 as he was propelled towards the gaping maw of the squid's beak, 420 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,120 he tried to scream, but he couldn't because the squid had already ripped 421 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:41,240 off his head and was now feasting on the quivering guts of his corpse... 422 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,640 The end! 423 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,520 - Have you seen Archie? - Out in the garden, probably. 424 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,600 I think there's still one patch of lawn he hasn't got round to poisoning with his urine. 425 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,600 We've spoiled him rotten. Do you think the Hendersons will mind? 426 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:04,360 Don't know, we don't know what they're really like, do we? 427 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,960 We only met them through Mick and Jean. 428 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,560 Oh, I meant to tell you, do you know what Jean did? 429 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,120 She pretended to be a 15-year-old girl and tried to friend her son 430 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:17,000 on Facebook to check up on him He spotted her straight away. 431 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,600 - Yeah, well she probably didn't create a new email address. - Yeah... 432 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,160 PHONE RINGS 433 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,800 - Hello. - Is that Karen wanting to come home? 434 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,080 Oh, hi, Mr Chowdry. 435 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:34,120 Yeah...we are looking after a Labrador at the moment. 436 00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:37,000 Well, he's in our garden, I think. He's in your garden! 437 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,560 - Oh, crikey, I'm sorry, Mr Chowdry... - Archie! Archie! 438 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,760 He must've escaped through a gap under... 439 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,160 Did you visit the nice people who live at the back of our garden? 440 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,680 Oh, I didn't know you keep guinea pigs... 441 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:56,760 Kept guinea pigs, right, yeah, yeah, yep. 442 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,640 And...when you say... 443 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,480 savaged, 444 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,000 what exactly do you mean? Only the... 445 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,600 No, no, I think that does qualify as savaging, yep... 446 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,080 I can hear your children scream, blood everywhere. 447 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:22,800 Look, Mr, Mr Chowdry, I'm so sorry. I will come round right now and... 448 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,680 OK, I'll come round in a few minutes, 449 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,720 once you've, um, 450 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,840 finished burying them. 451 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,800 OK, Mr Chowdry. 452 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,600 Told you...wolf. 453 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:50,320 The kids probably WILL have left home in ten years, won't they? 454 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,320 Yep, and it'll be our ticket to freedom. 455 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,800 I know it's a bit of a rollercoaster having kids, 456 00:25:55,800 --> 00:26:01,360 but there isn't a single moment I would have missed, not any of it. 457 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:07,400 - Not any of it? - No. - Not even when they all had worms? - Well... 458 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,640 And their bottoms resembled a scene from Life On Earth, you wouldn't have missed that? 459 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,600 - Well, maybe I... - Ben projectile vomiting into that fan? - Well... 460 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,800 - Karen, the "C" word in the nativity play? - She didn't know what she was saying 461 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:20,440 and anyway they should NEVER have cast her as Mary. 462 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,320 - Jake and that business with the... - All right, all right, OK! 463 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,280 DOORBELL RINGS Oh. 464 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,480 That'll be the Hendersons, come to pick up Psycho Lassie. 465 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,000 I can't believe Archie did that. 466 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,040 I hope Ben's sleeping all right. 467 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,720 HE SNORES 468 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,640 SOME OF THE CHILDREN SOB 469 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,960 - Has he been any trouble? - Well, he was fine, 470 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,520 until he discovered next door's garden at the back... 471 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,840 - You little scamp. - ..where there were guinea pigs. 472 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,520 Ah...yes, um... 473 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:04,000 he's got a little bit of a thing about small, squeaky mammals, 474 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,560 - I'm afraid. - Yeah. - Did we not mention that? - No. 475 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,200 I thought it was on our list. 476 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,560 No, I think we would have noticed "squeaky-mammal murderer". 477 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,160 So, anyway, we've had to compensate the Chowdrys 478 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,400 - financially to replace the guinea pigs so... - Right. 479 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,960 Mind you, it was foolish of them to have guinea pigs wandering 480 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,360 freely like that, they should have been in a hutch. 481 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,400 They were in a hutch. I had to give him money for a new hutch as well. 482 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,880 - It was ninety quid in all. - 90 pounds? 483 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:37,240 Yeah... 484 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,600 ..for the loss, 485 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,760 caused by your dog. 486 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:53,880 - Right. - I mean, he is your dog, so... - Yes, no, he is our dog. Although, 487 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:58,880 technically, he was in your care. I mean, y'know, so... 488 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:03,120 - You owe us 90 pounds. - Right, yes, understood, we'll drop it by. 489 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:04,640 MOVIE PLAYS ON TV 490 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:10,120 Why is Harrison Ford's wife always being held hostage? 491 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:14,320 - Well, at least now we know what the Hendersons are like... - Eh? 492 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,920 Doesn't matter. 493 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,560 If the kids do leave and it's just us here 494 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,600 rattling around it'll be so... 495 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,800 It's going to be... 496 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:29,880 - Well, it's going to be like this. - We'll be OK. 497 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,960 It's so quiet... it's not natural, it's... 498 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,240 PHONE RINGS 499 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:38,680 Mum! It's me! I... 500 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,440 Want to come home! No problem, I'm on my way! 501 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,920 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 502 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,720 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk