1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,240 - Uh-oh! - Oh, Jeez. 2 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:07,080 Bricks cut off my cards. I'm stuck here. 3 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:11,640 - Jake is going out with a 19-year-old. - She thinks I'm 17. 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,400 - Why? - That's what I told her. 5 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,400 You're going out with a 19-year-old lap-dancer? 6 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,080 Me and Brick split up badly. 7 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,480 He was psychologically abusive, especially to Misty. 8 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:24,040 So you've done a runner with Brick's daughter? 9 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,880 - DOORBELL RINGS - It's that man. He's back. 10 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,600 The guy that's looking for Auntie Angela. 11 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,720 Don't answer it. He might think we're out. 12 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,680 DOORBELL RINGS 13 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,280 I don't think so. Karen's waving at him. 14 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,160 OK. He doesn't know she's here, so when he mentions Angela, 15 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,960 act surprised, but not too surprised. Don't do too much, 16 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,680 just look normal. 17 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,880 No - normal! 18 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,400 Oh, Mr and Mrs Brockman. 19 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,360 Hello, I'm Darren Armitage, senior partner with the law firm Sneider, Morpego. 20 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,040 You may already have one of these. 21 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,400 - Yes. - Erm, no. 22 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:10,080 Well, you probably didn't see it because Karen gave it to me earlier. 23 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,840 But, but not... it wasn't that much earlier. 24 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,080 So I didn't have a chance to tell you. 25 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:18,200 That must have been Karen who cross-examined me yesterday. 26 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,200 We may be recruiting her soon. 27 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,840 Please ask Angela to come to the door. 28 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:29,080 - Angela? - They're not here. - They? I just said Angela. 29 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,920 Look, I don't know why you're here, but whatever it is, 30 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,880 could you please put it in writing? 31 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,000 Because we're right in the middle of a quiet family dinner. 32 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,400 We don't get many callers. They get excited. 33 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,360 - Auntie? - Shh-shh-shh! 34 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,920 Did you know your husband was going to turn into a monster? 35 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,760 No, obviously, I didn't. 36 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,240 Well, we did. "Angela's done it again," Mummy said. 37 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,440 "She's married a sociopath." What is a sociopath? 38 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,320 Look, I really don't want to talk about this right now. 39 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:13,360 He's mafia. You can see by the cold, merciless eyes. And the briefcase. 40 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:18,600 - He's not mafia. - He is, he's like that guy in The Godfather. The nice one. 41 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:23,440 He's not the one who kills you. He does the paperwork afterwards. You could imagine him saying, 42 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,240 "I'm sorry about Angela, it's just business." 43 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,520 - You know nothing about the Mafia. - I do! 44 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:32,920 - Kylie Arrett's dad's in it. - He's a security guard at SuperBowling. - By day. 45 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,440 And an assassin by night. 46 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,720 I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Angela has a casual relationship with the truth. 47 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,080 She may have told you otherwise, but the truth is 48 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,400 she has illegally abducted a vulnerable 15-year-old girl 49 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,880 and is using her as leverage to try and bump up her divorce settlement. 50 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,920 - Illegally abducted? - Yes. 51 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:55,400 I know my sister and she wouldn't do something like that, would she, Pete? 52 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,080 Er, no. No. No, that's very unlike her. 53 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:07,120 From what I remember of her. Having not seen her for some...time...now. 54 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,560 Still, this is all good for you, because Mum and Dad 55 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,480 will forget about you going out with that 19-year-old girl. 56 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,720 - Oh, just... - So she's a lap-dancer. Is she from Lapland? 57 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,080 No, you moron. Firstly, she's not a lap-dancer, she's a pole-dancer. 58 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,800 Oh, so she's from Poland. 59 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,040 Don't get me wrong, it's not just you, 60 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,640 lots of dads and some mums turn into monsters. 61 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:34,600 Tanya's dad says that mums turn into monsters once a month, 62 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,840 - but I think he's getting them mixed up with werewolves. - Look... 63 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,880 - this is not... - Do you think my mum and dad will suddenly turn into monsters? 64 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,640 No, Karen, there are some people who can never surprise you. 65 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,560 They can surprise me. They surprised me with a trip to Legoland. 66 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,000 Child abduction is a most serious criminal offence 67 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:58,720 and carries a custodial sentence, both for those who carry it out, and those who help them. 68 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,760 - Look, don't think you can push us around. - I can, though. 69 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,120 We're an immensely rich and powerful legal firm 70 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:09,040 who can assign an entire floor of our practice to making your lives unlivable. 71 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,360 Yeah, well, we'll see about that! 72 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,840 - Yeah! - Pete, he's gone. 73 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,760 Oh, he's got a car with darkened windows. 74 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:26,480 It means you can slit someone's throat in the back and no-one will know. 75 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,920 It's lucky you're still a child, otherwise they'd section you. 76 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,200 - You didn't tell him we were here, did you? - Misty's under 16. 77 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:45,520 - Didn't I mention that? - So, Misty, did you want to leave home? 78 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,240 - We had no choice. - Angela, please! 79 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,480 He used to lock me in my room for hours and hours. 80 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,600 Don't be scared, Misty, you are safe here with us. 81 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,320 - DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it! 82 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,800 Ben, don't! 83 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:09,320 Hello! Sorry, they were a bit late getting in. 84 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,160 This is Ottfried... 85 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,520 ..your exchange student? 86 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:18,960 Oh, shoot! 87 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,960 I mean, hello, Ottfried. Oh, God. I... It... 88 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,080 Oh, God, it's just gone right out of my head, 89 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,640 we've had all sorts here today. 90 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:33,520 Their plane was held up so I'm... Did Jake not mention this? 91 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:38,040 - Jake! - No, he's a bit... But it's fine. Come on in, Ottfried. 92 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,600 Bye, Ottfried, and, er... 93 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,200 - and good luck. - Jake! 94 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,280 - Bye, Mr Hunslet! - Bye, Ben. 95 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:49,800 - Have you got the smell out of your car yet? - Not entirely. 96 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,760 - Bit hard to scrub inside the glove box. - Sorry. 97 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,120 Next time I'll manage to open the window in time. 98 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:59,200 Or maybe don't eat seven Scotch eggs for a bet. 99 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,560 Laters! 100 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,880 We're all just in here. Please, please come through. 101 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:11,840 I'm just so sorry, cos we've had quite a... 102 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,760 Gosh, you're tall, aren't you? 103 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:20,400 We've had quite an unusual day here, but it's all back to normal now. 104 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,600 And this is my sister Angela, but if anybody asks, 105 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,680 it's probably best to say that... 106 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:31,040 she is not here. And this is Misty, and she, again, 107 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:35,200 - is not...here. - Not here? 108 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,880 That's right. Nicht...here. It's a bit complicated. 109 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,000 - The exchange student you forgot to tell us about is here! - He's got headphones on. 110 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,720 There's a man sitting in a van parked outside. 111 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,760 - What sort of man? - He'll be a builder, or something. 112 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,800 - Let's not get all... - If it comes to it, you can hide in our loft, 113 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,080 - like Anne Frank did when she was hiding from the... - So! Ottfried! 114 00:06:56,080 --> 00:07:00,160 Let me give you the tour, and work out where the hell you're going to sleep. 115 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,640 That German boy was like a baby giant. 116 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,480 I want to be that size when I'm 15. 117 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:11,520 - I like to sleep with the light on. - But I like it off. 118 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,400 When I sleep with the light off, 119 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,600 it's like I'm sleeping in a cave and I get really weird dreams. 120 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,320 Yeah, but that's why I like it. 121 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,280 I don't like dreams, it's like you've gone to sleep, 122 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,160 but your brain's staying up at a sleepover with your lungs, 123 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,160 - cos your lungs have to be awake to make sure you breathe. - Your whole body's awake. 124 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,160 - It's like your brain... - But dreams are good cos they're like going to the cinema, 125 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,560 but then the movie's so much better because, it's like you're in it 126 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,320 but then you're also watching it, and then the effects are always better, 127 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,880 and you never get kicked out for being too young. 128 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,360 Yeah, but when I go to sleep I just want to sleep. 129 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:52,240 - I just want to close my eyes and... - Yeah, but sleep's boring without it. 130 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,920 - I just want it to be just plain black. - I want to start a dream log, 131 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,520 I don't want to forget my favourite dream, like, 132 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,840 I'll have one book for the crucifixion dreams 133 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:04,000 and then I'll have another book for all the other dreams I get. 134 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,600 Because, like, I get the crucifixion dream a lot, 135 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:11,480 but then I'm kind of used to that now so it doesn't disturb me as much as it used to. 136 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,680 - Yeah... - The best dreams are the ones with all the explosions, 137 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,200 and stuff like monsters that you'll never be able to see. 138 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:22,880 - That's why I keep cheese in here. - So that's what that smell is. 139 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,760 - Yeah, it's in one of these drawers. - Right. 140 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,280 Well, we've got a houseful tonight. I hope the plumbing's up to it. 141 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:34,240 - We still haven't got a strategy. - Maybe we should consult a lawyer. 142 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,120 - No, about Jake and his showgirl! - Look, I know it's a worry, 143 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:42,880 but he is a mature 15. Maybe she's an immature 19. 144 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:46,720 Yes, cos lap-dancers are famous for being shy, mousy girls(!) 145 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:50,960 - She's a pole-dancer. - Sorry, our son is dating a pole-dancer, 146 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,480 slightly further away from being a prostitute than a lap-dancer. 147 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,200 - We still need a... - A strategy, yeah, OK, I know. 148 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,640 (Oh, God.) 149 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,720 You have had the safe sex conversation with him, haven't you? 150 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:12,120 - Yeah, ages ago. - How did it go? - It was OK. 151 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,200 I mean, there was a bit of giggling, but, you know...I was nervous. 152 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:24,120 I don't want something in my head that I haven't...said is OK. 153 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,400 Yeah, but you can't stop yourself... 154 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,800 But it's like all the bad things in my life, 155 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,120 all the good things are shutting it out. 156 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,120 So whilst the good things go to sleep, the bad things think, 157 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,320 "Ah, here is my time to mess up Karen's head." 158 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:43,560 - It's just not good. - Yeah, but your mind doesn't fall asleep, your body does, 159 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:47,040 - your mind's awake. - Your mind is like...has lots of drawers in it 160 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,560 and then, like, at night all the stuff 161 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,720 just wiggles around in your head and makes weird films for you. 162 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,080 It's just, like, "No, I don't need that, I just want to go to sleep." 163 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,760 Maybe we're like characters in someone else's dream, 164 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,400 but then we're not actually real 165 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,960 and we don't actually exist in the real world. 166 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:08,120 - I do exist! - Well, maybe someone's got a mental disease 167 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,440 and if he doesn't get over his problem, we're going to be stuck here for ever. 168 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,160 No. 169 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:20,280 Angela hasn't asked once how Dad is. 170 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,520 Perhaps she's scared to. 171 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,640 - KAREN: - Mum! Dad! Ben's scaring me! 172 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,600 He scares us all, Karen, go to sleep. 173 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,560 He says I don't exist. 174 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,680 You do exist, now go to sleep. 175 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,720 Ah, I've been thinking about this whole Angela thing. 176 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,040 - I've written a sort of ledger. - OK. 177 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,840 "Reasons not to help Angela. One, it's not our problem. 178 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:54,400 "Two, we could get into serious legal difficulties. 179 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:59,000 "Three, we don't like her. Four, in that book she wrote, she called you, erm... 180 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,720 "manipulative and compared me to a dust mite. 181 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,520 "Five. We don't like..." 182 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,680 Oh, no, hang on, I've done that one twice. 183 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,680 "Five, she's probably lying." 184 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,800 "Reasons TO help Angela. One, she's your sister." 185 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,960 Yep? 186 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,560 No, that's it. If you've got any others, I'll... 187 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,880 No, sod it, we'll just tell her she's got to go. 188 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,560 This one is the really good one. A bear gets stuck in a tree. 189 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:38,840 - Is that a trampoline? - I can see what's going to happen. They're going to... Ha! 190 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:43,080 - Oh! - Oh, that's mean. - It's all right, it's not mean. 191 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,760 - Let's watch it again, let's watch it again. - See, see, let me show you. 192 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:51,200 - Look at it in slow motion! - Look at that, look how high it is, that's like five trampolines. 193 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,280 - And then look, and then look. Just smash! - Head first into the ground. Head first. 194 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,480 - It just bounces. - It doesn't. - It does! 195 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,320 If you watch, its head hits the floor 196 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,440 and then the rest of its body sort of crunches into his head. 197 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:09,400 Look. Oh, my God, that is terrible! THEY LAUGH 198 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,760 - SUE: - It's 8:20! 199 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:17,080 Can you stop watching animals getting hurt on YouTube? 200 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,040 Jake, we need a word, now. 201 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,680 You have till the end of today. 202 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:29,680 - Guten Morgen, mein Herren. - Oh, guten Morgen, Ben. 203 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,760 Would you like sausage-bread-bacon-beans? 204 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,320 - Excuse me? - I'm learning German and you have those compound nouns, 205 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,360 where you stick words together to make one-huge-long-big-word. 206 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,880 Like Gehimmelsschickelwurstgarten or 207 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,280 Blitzengrubereinekleine- messerschmidtfrau. 208 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,520 - These are not German words. - No, 209 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,520 but they could be, because you can make up any words you like. 210 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,040 Or as you would say, "You can any words you like up make." 211 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,160 It's cool being German. It's like being Yoda. 212 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,320 Yes, I am seeing a 19-year-old pole-dancer, but don't worry, 213 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,680 I always get my homework out of the way first. 214 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:09,080 - That's not quite the issue. is it, Pete? - No. No, it's not. 215 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:13,400 By the end of today, you need to tell this girl your real age. 216 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,640 - She has got a name, Mum. Victoria. - OK. 217 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,200 By the end of today, you have to tell your real age to Victoria. 218 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,240 The stripper. 219 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,000 - Ben, have you seen Misty? - No, Auntie. 220 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,960 The blue van with the man sitting in it is still outside. 221 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,560 - Thank you for keeping me up to date. - Are you going to run or hide? 222 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,120 What would you recommend? 223 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,040 Run. Because you can run but you can't hide. 224 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,240 Would you like some Cheerios? 225 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,040 No, thank you. 226 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,160 She is being chased by a scary-ex-husband-psycho-mafia-man. 227 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,960 - Misty? - You're such a hypocrite. You went to that Chippens...things. 228 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,800 - The men who took their clothes off. - That was ages ago. 229 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,960 And it was harmless. When women look at naked men they just laugh. 230 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,320 Well, cackle. 231 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:10,600 - Have you seen the exploding koalas? - No. - Well, 232 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,760 have you seen the, erm... the pogo hopping nuns? 233 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,600 No. 234 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,600 PHONE RINGS 235 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,200 Hello. 236 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,200 Ah, hello, Brick. ..Package? 237 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,960 Yes, we have, although why you've sent it to us I don't know, 238 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,040 because Angela and Misty aren't here. 239 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:43,360 Yeah, just because you're a psychoanalyst doesn't mean you can tell I'm lying. 240 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,160 - RADIO: - 'And now it's time for Thought for the...' 241 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,160 Good morning, Ottfried. Did you sleep well? 242 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,720 - I heard many animal noises. - Oh, well, that'll be the foxes mating. 243 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,280 Or the new couple next door. 244 00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,120 - Mum, Dad's on the phone to Brick. - Brick?! 245 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,320 Please, what is this? 246 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:06,880 Oh, well, you may as well know, Ottfried, er... 247 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:11,960 My sister married an American psychoanalyst with lots of children. 248 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,720 Um... But he turned out to be abusive so she ran away 249 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,520 with one of the children, but now he is pursuing her. 250 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,400 No. What is this? 251 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,200 Oh, that. 252 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,280 Well, that's a hot cross bun. 253 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,200 We eat them for breakfast sometimes. 254 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,920 - Are you OK? - Brick. 255 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:38,200 He's sent these air tickets for Angela and Misty to go back to the States, 256 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,600 but says that if they don't, 257 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,600 he's going to take emergency measures in a British court 258 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,040 to seize their passports. 259 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,680 Oh, and prosecute us. 260 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,760 Holy crap! 261 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,600 I'm not falling for that. I'm not leaving this house. 262 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,240 He could have a snatch squad waiting for me in that... 263 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,200 Well, let's just remain calm... 264 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,200 - The police aren't going to come, are they? - Sweetheart, 265 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,360 you don't need to worry about that. All that'll happen is... 266 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,360 No! I don't want to know, cos if I don't know, I'm not guilty 267 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:11,600 and I'm not going to be one of the people taken away in the van. 268 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,160 - Why didn't we think of that? - Look... 269 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,160 I think I've got a solution. 270 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:22,400 Once Misty's 16, Brick can't do anything so... 271 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:26,840 I know it's a huge ask, but if we could just stay until then. 272 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,160 And how far away is Misty's 16th birthday? 273 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600 Erm...five and a half months. 274 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,520 He can't serve me an injunction if I never leave the house. 275 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:40,760 - You wouldn't leave the house? - I'd pull my weight. - For five and a half months? 276 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,640 I can cook, and you know I did that interior design course. I could give the house a makeover. 277 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:46,880 What do you say? 278 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,520 - Five and a half months. - All right, Pete. 279 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:54,200 Listen, Angela, it wouldn't really be very practical, 280 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,480 because by then you'd be dead and Pete and I would be in prison. 281 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,640 - Could we just stay until...? - This evening? Yes, you can. 282 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,560 This evening? 283 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:04,600 Yes. 284 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,920 COOKERY SHOW ON TV 285 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:17,080 - So, Misty, what kind of music do you like? - I don't like music. 286 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:24,120 - Why do you have an iPod, then? - To shut out the world. 287 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:33,960 Ottfried, what other English TV do you like? 288 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:39,880 Erm, I like Ricky Gervais and the other comedian, he is, uh... 289 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,320 he plays a character, a very funny character of the fat politician. 290 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:48,320 And he has funny, funny blond hair, he walks and sometimes cycles, 291 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,080 I see him on a bike on the TV. 292 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,800 Do you mean Boris Johnson? 293 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,600 Yes! Boris Johnson, yes! It's so funny, you like him also? 294 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,520 No, Ottfried, he's the Mayor of London. 295 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,640 - Yes, he plays the Mayor of London, a stupid politician... - No... 296 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,480 Very stupid and funny. 297 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,760 - Look, Ottfried... - We in Germany love him. 298 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,360 I'm feeling a little nauseous. 299 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,960 Can we watch something that isn't a cookery show? 300 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,800 'Roll the pastry thus...' 301 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,400 'Herbs, chives and...' 302 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,800 - 'Duck a l'orange...' - 'Lots of seasoning...' 303 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,800 - 'Bit of chilli...' - 'Oodles and oodles...' 304 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,400 'Just look at that! Isn't that a sight to behold?' 305 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,840 'And lots of pepper on top.' 306 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,960 Hang on, we'll get one in a sec. 307 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,280 'The pasta!' 308 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,600 Angela hasn't gone, has she? 309 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:46,320 - What the hell is that? - Tai chi. - Oh, yeah, tai chi, 310 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,200 the ancient art of attention-seeking. 311 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,720 - Ah, Jake. - I need a shower. 312 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,120 Have you told Victoria your real age yet? 313 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,640 Yes, yes, yes. How many times do I need to tell you? 314 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,480 Well, it's not really the number of times, it's, "Is it true?" 315 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,280 DOG BARKS Oh, for... Right! 316 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,040 Er, Angela? 317 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:13,320 - Hi, Pete. - Could you not do that in your room maybe? - It's better outside. 318 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,040 There are more positive ions. 319 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,240 You're setting off next door's dog. 320 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:21,840 He doesn't like...bright colours and...weird movement. 321 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,400 Also you're visible to Brick's spy drones out here. 322 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,960 - Are you worried about the neighbours? - No. - My God, you are, aren't you? 323 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,160 - It's not the neighbours. It's the dog, once it gets going... - Are you telling me my needs 324 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:38,920 - are less important than a dog's?! - Well, in this case...yes. 325 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,760 Oh, for Christ's sake! 326 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,800 PHONE BEEPS 327 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,920 - That's Jake's mobile, isn't it? - Is it? 328 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:54,120 "Say where to meet or I pick you up your place. Vic." 329 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,080 Well, I suppose we'd better tell him. 330 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,200 Well, then he'll think we've been reading his texts. 331 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,400 - Maybe it's best to do nothing. - But then she'll come here. - Yeah. 332 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:10,080 - Please, may I have some of your fruit? - Of course, help yourself. 333 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,440 - I've lost him, haven't I? - Eh? - Jake. To her. 334 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,320 And all the others that will come after her. 335 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,840 What are you doing? 336 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:30,400 Well, we're clearly not welcome here. So we're just going to leave. 337 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,200 Right, OK! 338 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,440 - JAKE: - Mum! There's no hot water! 339 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,960 There's a lot of us in the house at the moment, you'll just have to wait. 340 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,640 Me and Misty will leave 341 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:48,200 and face up to the consequences, however catastrophic. 342 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:55,080 - Fair enough. - For myself and that poor, frightened little girl. 343 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,720 Well, if that's your decision. 344 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,280 And if this does turn out to be the last time you ever see us, 345 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,120 - I don't want you to think this was your fault. - We won't. Will you need a cab? 346 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,680 Yes. Thank you. 347 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,200 No, I find this most upsetting. I.. 348 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,400 I think you are nice people but you behave in the ways that is not nice. 349 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:24,760 Yes, yes, she is annoying, but you are better than this. 350 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,000 She is your sister and they have nobody, 351 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,080 so not to help them is unforgivable. 352 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,000 A lack of morals. 353 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,960 Anyway, that is what I think. 354 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,640 His English is actually rather good, isn't it? 355 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,600 (We don't really have much choice, do we?) 356 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,400 PHONE BEEPS 357 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,160 She's outside. 358 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,840 - I bet this is a bit different from your home. - Oh, I think this is different from any home. 359 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,040 Hello! 360 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:06,680 - You must be Victoria. - Yeah. - Well, don't wait out there in the cold... 361 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,760 wearing almost nothing, come in. 362 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:13,640 - Maybe I'll just... - No, come on in! We can have a chat while Jake gets ready. - No, honestly, I would... 363 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,120 Just come in. 364 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,320 Come on, in you come. 365 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,680 - PHONE RINGS - Misty! Hello? 366 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:26,560 Pete, this is Victoria. 367 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:31,760 - Hello. - Hey. - Why don't you two go in there and have a nice chat. 368 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,120 What, us two? 369 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,760 I think it would be safer. Nice in-depth chat. 370 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,360 About things. 371 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,360 Right. Well, um... 372 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:57,880 Cup of tea? 373 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,240 - No, thanks. - Or a beer. 374 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,880 Because you're old enough to drink, aren't you? 375 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,920 No, thanks. 376 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:12,200 Whereas, with Jake, of course, that's...not the case, because... 377 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:13,720 given his age. 378 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,360 Which you, of course, know because... 379 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:21,520 - he's told you. - Sorry? 380 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,760 - He's told you he's 15? - Why would he do that? 381 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,440 - Because he's 15. - He's 15? 382 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,360 Why would he tell me he was 17? 383 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,520 Well, to impress you, I imagine. 384 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:42,280 That is so sweet. Bless him! 385 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:46,280 Oh, my God. There are eight, 386 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:51,600 no, nine threatening emails from Brick and his lawyers. 387 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,600 Don't worry, there's a good chance none of this is real. And if it is real, 388 00:23:55,600 --> 00:24:00,000 there's a quantum universe with infinite worlds and in most of them, this isn't happening. 389 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,880 - Hi, Martin. - In a lot of them, you're probably on holiday. 390 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,440 Well, thanks for ringing back. 391 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,200 - And in one of them, you're playing rugby for England. - Ben, I'm on the phone. 392 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,800 But only in this universe. 393 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:15,000 Illegal? Really? Like, against the law? 394 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,640 - Yes. - What, me and Jake? God. 395 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:23,520 So they could arrest, like, hundreds of thousands of 15-year-old schoolkids all over England. 396 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,000 - That's really interesting. - Well, interesting's not exactly... 397 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,080 I can see now why you wanted to speak to me. So we done? 398 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,240 Well, we're also a bit worried about what you do. 399 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,880 The dancing? I only do it in Westminster where they make you keep your pants on. 400 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,480 Well, that's... 401 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,000 good. 402 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,600 Look, we're just not sure that one of those clubs 403 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:51,040 is a healthy environment for a 15-year-old boy. 404 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,880 - Oh, I don't let him watch the other girls. - But he is there in the club. 405 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,880 Look, if you want to check out the club, that it's... 406 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:02,440 you know, healthy, this promo gets two people in for free. 407 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,880 You could take Mrs Brockman. 408 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,760 I don't think that's going to happen. 409 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,400 Or not take her. 410 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,680 - In the multiverse... - Yeah. 411 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,000 ..you can't call anything real. Because reality isn't really real. 412 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,040 Ben, if ever there was a moment not to question the nature of existence, 413 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,320 it's now, so just back off! 414 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,120 Sorry, Martin. 415 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,440 - In another universe, his name's Trevor. - Yeah? 416 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:35,480 At the end of the day, it comes down to this - he's 15. 417 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,480 - You're 19. - Well, he thinks I'm 19, 418 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,640 but, I mean, age is only a number, isn't it? Really. 419 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,880 Sorry, did you just say, "He THINKS I'm 19"? 420 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:47,200 Well, everyone does. I have to say that 421 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,960 or they won't let me do the dancing. I'm 16. 422 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,280 - You're 16? - Yep. 423 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,960 You're 16 and he's...15. 424 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,120 I guess so. 425 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:02,760 Well, I guess that's... 426 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:07,120 Hi! How long have you been here? 427 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,560 - Five minutes. - Oh, right, well, we should get going. 428 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,320 Jake, I know you're 15, not 17. 429 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:19,440 - Oh. - But I'm not 19, I'm 16. 430 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,240 - You're 16? - Yeah. 431 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,160 - Oh, well. - Oh, well?! 432 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,480 Do you want to see the Steve Carell film or the space one? 433 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:38,920 - They're both on at the cine centre? - Yeah. The Steve Carell one's meant to be good. 434 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,120 Pete? Did that go well? 435 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:48,320 - I... I've really no idea. - Come on, Misty, we're going. 436 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:52,240 Angela, look, I've been talking to a friend of mine, Martin, 437 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,880 who's a solicitor, he's driving up from Portsmouth so we can talk through 438 00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:01,360 some of the legal options so that you and Misty are protected from Brick. 439 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:05,240 What I'm saying is, you don't have to leave. 440 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,120 You can stay as long as necessary. 441 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,560 I'm getting back together with Brick. 442 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,160 - I'm sorry? - That was him on the phone. 443 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,600 He was lovely. He cried. 444 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,280 - But you said yourself, he's a monster. - Oh, he has bad days. 445 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,920 But I can change him. It's like I say in my book, Pete, 446 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,960 relationships are marathons, not sprints. 447 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:36,480 - Come on, Misty, we've got to go and see Daddy. - Oh, for...! 448 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:42,200 In German, we have a word for this kind of person. Idiot. 449 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,200 Yeah, we say idiot as well. 450 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,600 Also prat, moron, git and pain in the arse. 451 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:52,560 - These are all good words. - Look, what matters is she's going. 452 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,480 - Problem solved. - Yes. 453 00:27:56,560 --> 00:27:59,080 Oh, by the way, Victoria's only 16. 454 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,560 She lied about her age so she could pole-dance. 455 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,280 Right. 456 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,560 So she's an illegal pole-dancer, 457 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,840 but she's only a little bit older than Jake. 458 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,960 That...that's better, isn't it? 459 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:13,840 I think it might be worse. But do you know, I'm not sure now. 460 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,000 - It's sort of better and sort of worse. - I think it is a little worse. 461 00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,480 - Really? - She is entertaining older men. 462 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:26,040 - I think you're right. He's right. - They pay for this. - Oh, God. This is so difficult. 463 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,240 There has to be a question about her morals. 464 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,960 There must be a helpline for this. 465 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:48,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd