- Uh-oh! - Oh, Jeez.
Bricks cut off my cards. I'm stuck here.
- Jake is going out with a 19-year-old. - She thinks I'm 17.
- Why? - That's what I told her.
You're going out with a 19-year-old lap-dancer?
Me and Brick split up badly.
He was psychologically abusive, especially to Misty.
So you've done a runner with Brick's daughter?
- DOORBELL RINGS - It's that man. He's back.
The guy that's looking for Auntie Angela.
Don't answer it. He might think we're out.
DOORBELL RINGS
I don't think so. Karen's waving at him.
OK. He doesn't know she's here, so when he mentions Angela,
act surprised, but not too surprised. Don't do too much,
just look normal.
No - normal!
Oh, Mr and Mrs Brockman.
Hello, I'm Darren Armitage, senior partner with the law firm Sneider, Morpego.
You may already have one of these.
- Yes. - Erm, no.
Well, you probably didn't see it because Karen gave it to me earlier.
But, but not... it wasn't that much earlier.
So I didn't have a chance to tell you.
That must have been Karen who cross-examined me yesterday.
We may be recruiting her soon.
Please ask Angela to come to the door.
- Angela? - They're not here. - They? I just said Angela.
Look, I don't know why you're here, but whatever it is,
could you please put it in writing?
Because we're right in the middle of a quiet family dinner.
We don't get many callers. They get excited.
- Auntie? - Shh-shh-shh!
Did you know your husband was going to turn into a monster?
No, obviously, I didn't.
Well, we did. "Angela's done it again," Mummy said.
"She's married a sociopath." What is a sociopath?
Look, I really don't want to talk about this right now.
He's mafia. You can see by the cold, merciless eyes. And the briefcase.
- He's not mafia. - He is, he's like that guy in The Godfather. The nice one.
He's not the one who kills you. He does the paperwork afterwards. You could imagine him saying,
"I'm sorry about Angela, it's just business."
- You know nothing about the Mafia. - I do!
- Kylie Arrett's dad's in it. - He's a security guard at SuperBowling. - By day.
And an assassin by night.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that Angela has a casual relationship with the truth.
She may have told you otherwise, but the truth is
she has illegally abducted a vulnerable 15-year-old girl
and is using her as leverage to try and bump up her divorce settlement.
- Illegally abducted? - Yes.
I know my sister and she wouldn't do something like that, would she, Pete?
Er, no. No. No, that's very unlike her.
From what I remember of her. Having not seen her for some...time...now.
Still, this is all good for you, because Mum and Dad
will forget about you going out with that 19-year-old girl.
- Oh, just... - So she's a lap-dancer. Is she from Lapland?
No, you moron. Firstly, she's not a lap-dancer, she's a pole-dancer.
Oh, so she's from Poland.
Don't get me wrong, it's not just you,
lots of dads and some mums turn into monsters.
Tanya's dad says that mums turn into monsters once a month,
- but I think he's getting them mixed up with werewolves. - Look...
- this is not... - Do you think my mum and dad will suddenly turn into monsters?
No, Karen, there are some people who can never surprise you.
They can surprise me. They surprised me with a trip to Legoland.
Child abduction is a most serious criminal offence
and carries a custodial sentence, both for those who carry it out, and those who help them.
- Look, don't think you can push us around. - I can, though.
We're an immensely rich and powerful legal firm
who can assign an entire floor of our practice to making your lives unlivable.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that!
- Yeah! - Pete, he's gone.
Oh, he's got a car with darkened windows.
It means you can slit someone's throat in the back and no-one will know.
It's lucky you're still a child, otherwise they'd section you.
- You didn't tell him we were here, did you? - Misty's under 16.
- Didn't I mention that? - So, Misty, did you want to leave home?
- We had no choice. - Angela, please!
He used to lock me in my room for hours and hours.
Don't be scared, Misty, you are safe here with us.
- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it!
Ben, don't!
Hello! Sorry, they were a bit late getting in.
This is Ottfried...
..your exchange student?
Oh, shoot!
I mean, hello, Ottfried. Oh, God. I... It...
Oh, God, it's just gone right out of my head,
we've had all sorts here today.
Their plane was held up so I'm... Did Jake not mention this?
- Jake! - No, he's a bit... But it's fine. Come on in, Ottfried.
Bye, Ottfried, and, er...
- and good luck. - Jake!
- Bye, Mr Hunslet! - Bye, Ben.
- Have you got the smell out of your car yet? - Not entirely.
- Bit hard to scrub inside the glove box. - Sorry.
Next time I'll manage to open the window in time.
Or maybe don't eat seven Scotch eggs for a bet.
Laters!
We're all just in here. Please, please come through.
I'm just so sorry, cos we've had quite a...
Gosh, you're tall, aren't you?
We've had quite an unusual day here, but it's all back to normal now.
And this is my sister Angela, but if anybody asks,
it's probably best to say that...
she is not here. And this is Misty, and she, again,
- is not...here. - Not here?
That's right. Nicht...here. It's a bit complicated.
- The exchange student you forgot to tell us about is here! - He's got headphones on.
There's a man sitting in a van parked outside.
- What sort of man? - He'll be a builder, or something.
- Let's not get all... - If it comes to it, you can hide in our loft,
- like Anne Frank did when she was hiding from the... - So! Ottfried!
Let me give you the tour, and work out where the hell you're going to sleep.
That German boy was like a baby giant.
I want to be that size when I'm 15.
- I like to sleep with the light on. - But I like it off.
When I sleep with the light off,
it's like I'm sleeping in a cave and I get really weird dreams.
Yeah, but that's why I like it.
I don't like dreams, it's like you've gone to sleep,
but your brain's staying up at a sleepover with your lungs,
- cos your lungs have to be awake to make sure you breathe. - Your whole body's awake.
- It's like your brain... - But dreams are good cos they're like going to the cinema,
but then the movie's so much better because, it's like you're in it
but then you're also watching it, and then the effects are always better,
and you never get kicked out for being too young.
Yeah, but when I go to sleep I just want to sleep.
- I just want to close my eyes and... - Yeah, but sleep's boring without it.
- I just want it to be just plain black. - I want to start a dream log,
I don't want to forget my favourite dream, like,
I'll have one book for the crucifixion dreams
and then I'll have another book for all the other dreams I get.
Because, like, I get the crucifixion dream a lot,
but then I'm kind of used to that now so it doesn't disturb me as much as it used to.
- Yeah... - The best dreams are the ones with all the explosions,
and stuff like monsters that you'll never be able to see.
- That's why I keep cheese in here. - So that's what that smell is.
- Yeah, it's in one of these drawers. - Right.
Well, we've got a houseful tonight. I hope the plumbing's up to it.
- We still haven't got a strategy. - Maybe we should consult a lawyer.
- No, about Jake and his showgirl! - Look, I know it's a worry,
but he is a mature 15. Maybe she's an immature 19.
Yes, cos lap-dancers are famous for being shy, mousy girls(!)
- She's a pole-dancer. - Sorry, our son is dating a pole-dancer,
slightly further away from being a prostitute than a lap-dancer.
- We still need a... - A strategy, yeah, OK, I know.
(Oh, God.)
You have had the safe sex conversation with him, haven't you?
- Yeah, ages ago. - How did it go? - It was OK.
I mean, there was a bit of giggling, but, you know...I was nervous.
I don't want something in my head that I haven't...said is OK.
Yeah, but you can't stop yourself...
But it's like all the bad things in my life,
all the good things are shutting it out.
So whilst the good things go to sleep, the bad things think,
"Ah, here is my time to mess up Karen's head."
- It's just not good. - Yeah, but your mind doesn't fall asleep, your body does,
- your mind's awake. - Your mind is like...has lots of drawers in it
and then, like, at night all the stuff
just wiggles around in your head and makes weird films for you.
It's just, like, "No, I don't need that, I just want to go to sleep."
Maybe we're like characters in someone else's dream,
but then we're not actually real
and we don't actually exist in the real world.
- I do exist! - Well, maybe someone's got a mental disease
and if he doesn't get over his problem, we're going to be stuck here for ever.
No.
Angela hasn't asked once how Dad is.
Perhaps she's scared to.
- KAREN: - Mum! Dad! Ben's scaring me!
He scares us all, Karen, go to sleep.
He says I don't exist.
You do exist, now go to sleep.
Ah, I've been thinking about this whole Angela thing.
- I've written a sort of ledger. - OK.
"Reasons not to help Angela. One, it's not our problem.
"Two, we could get into serious legal difficulties.
"Three, we don't like her. Four, in that book she wrote, she called you, erm...
"manipulative and compared me to a dust mite.
"Five. We don't like..."
Oh, no, hang on, I've done that one twice.
"Five, she's probably lying."
"Reasons TO help Angela. One, she's your sister."
Yep?
No, that's it. If you've got any others, I'll...
No, sod it, we'll just tell her she's got to go.
This one is the really good one. A bear gets stuck in a tree.
- Is that a trampoline? - I can see what's going to happen. They're going to... Ha!
- Oh! - Oh, that's mean. - It's all right, it's not mean.
- Let's watch it again, let's watch it again. - See, see, let me show you.
- Look at it in slow motion! - Look at that, look how high it is, that's like five trampolines.
- And then look, and then look. Just smash! - Head first into the ground. Head first.
- It just bounces. - It doesn't. - It does!
If you watch, its head hits the floor
and then the rest of its body sort of crunches into his head.
Look. Oh, my God, that is terrible! THEY LAUGH
- SUE: - It's 8:20!
Can you stop watching animals getting hurt on YouTube?
Jake, we need a word, now.
You have till the end of today.
- Guten Morgen, mein Herren. - Oh, guten Morgen, Ben.
Would you like sausage-bread-bacon-beans?
- Excuse me? - I'm learning German and you have those compound nouns,
where you stick words together to make one-huge-long-big-word.
Like Gehimmelsschickelwurstgarten or
Blitzengrubereinekleine- messerschmidtfrau.
- These are not German words. - No,
but they could be, because you can make up any words you like.
Or as you would say, "You can any words you like up make."
It's cool being German. It's like being Yoda.
Yes, I am seeing a 19-year-old pole-dancer, but don't worry,
I always get my homework out of the way first.
- That's not quite the issue. is it, Pete? - No. No, it's not.
By the end of today, you need to tell this girl your real age.
- She has got a name, Mum. Victoria. - OK.
By the end of today, you have to tell your real age to Victoria.
The stripper.
- Ben, have you seen Misty? - No, Auntie.
The blue van with the man sitting in it is still outside.
- Thank you for keeping me up to date. - Are you going to run or hide?
What would you recommend?
Run. Because you can run but you can't hide.
Would you like some Cheerios?
No, thank you.
She is being chased by a scary-ex-husband-psycho-mafia-man.
- Misty? - You're such a hypocrite. You went to that Chippens...things.
- The men who took their clothes off. - That was ages ago.
And it was harmless. When women look at naked men they just laugh.
Well, cackle.
- Have you seen the exploding koalas? - No. - Well,
have you seen the, erm... the pogo hopping nuns?
No.
PHONE RINGS
Hello.
Ah, hello, Brick. ..Package?
Yes, we have, although why you've sent it to us I don't know,
because Angela and Misty aren't here.
Yeah, just because you're a psychoanalyst doesn't mean you can tell I'm lying.
- RADIO: - 'And now it's time for Thought for the...'
Good morning, Ottfried. Did you sleep well?
- I heard many animal noises. - Oh, well, that'll be the foxes mating.
Or the new couple next door.
- Mum, Dad's on the phone to Brick. - Brick?!
Please, what is this?
Oh, well, you may as well know, Ottfried, er...
My sister married an American psychoanalyst with lots of children.
Um... But he turned out to be abusive so she ran away
with one of the children, but now he is pursuing her.
No. What is this?
Oh, that.
Well, that's a hot cross bun.
We eat them for breakfast sometimes.
- Are you OK? - Brick.
He's sent these air tickets for Angela and Misty to go back to the States,
but says that if they don't,
he's going to take emergency measures in a British court
to seize their passports.
Oh, and prosecute us.
Holy crap!
I'm not falling for that. I'm not leaving this house.
He could have a snatch squad waiting for me in that...
Well, let's just remain calm...
- The police aren't going to come, are they? - Sweetheart,
you don't need to worry about that. All that'll happen is...
No! I don't want to know, cos if I don't know, I'm not guilty
and I'm not going to be one of the people taken away in the van.
- Why didn't we think of that? - Look...
I think I've got a solution.
Once Misty's 16, Brick can't do anything so...
I know it's a huge ask, but if we could just stay until then.
And how far away is Misty's 16th birthday?
Erm...five and a half months.
He can't serve me an injunction if I never leave the house.
- You wouldn't leave the house? - I'd pull my weight. - For five and a half months?
I can cook, and you know I did that interior design course. I could give the house a makeover.
What do you say?
- Five and a half months. - All right, Pete.
Listen, Angela, it wouldn't really be very practical,
because by then you'd be dead and Pete and I would be in prison.
- Could we just stay until...? - This evening? Yes, you can.
This evening?
Yes.
COOKERY SHOW ON TV
- So, Misty, what kind of music do you like? - I don't like music.
- Why do you have an iPod, then? - To shut out the world.
Ottfried, what other English TV do you like?
Erm, I like Ricky Gervais and the other comedian, he is, uh...
he plays a character, a very funny character of the fat politician.
And he has funny, funny blond hair, he walks and sometimes cycles,
I see him on a bike on the TV.
Do you mean Boris Johnson?
Yes! Boris Johnson, yes! It's so funny, you like him also?
No, Ottfried, he's the Mayor of London.
- Yes, he plays the Mayor of London, a stupid politician... - No...
Very stupid and funny.
- Look, Ottfried... - We in Germany love him.
I'm feeling a little nauseous.
Can we watch something that isn't a cookery show?
'Roll the pastry thus...'
'Herbs, chives and...'
- 'Duck a l'orange...' - 'Lots of seasoning...'
- 'Bit of chilli...' - 'Oodles and oodles...'
'Just look at that! Isn't that a sight to behold?'
'And lots of pepper on top.'
Hang on, we'll get one in a sec.
'The pasta!'
Angela hasn't gone, has she?
- What the hell is that? - Tai chi. - Oh, yeah, tai chi,
the ancient art of attention-seeking.
- Ah, Jake. - I need a shower.
Have you told Victoria your real age yet?
Yes, yes, yes. How many times do I need to tell you?
Well, it's not really the number of times, it's, "Is it true?"
DOG BARKS Oh, for... Right!
Er, Angela?
- Hi, Pete. - Could you not do that in your room maybe? - It's better outside.
There are more positive ions.
You're setting off next door's dog.
He doesn't like...bright colours and...weird movement.
Also you're visible to Brick's spy drones out here.
- Are you worried about the neighbours? - No. - My God, you are, aren't you?
- It's not the neighbours. It's the dog, once it gets going... - Are you telling me my needs
- are less important than a dog's?! - Well, in this case...yes.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
PHONE BEEPS
- That's Jake's mobile, isn't it? - Is it?
"Say where to meet or I pick you up your place. Vic."
Well, I suppose we'd better tell him.
Well, then he'll think we've been reading his texts.
- Maybe it's best to do nothing. - But then she'll come here. - Yeah.
- Please, may I have some of your fruit? - Of course, help yourself.
- I've lost him, haven't I? - Eh? - Jake. To her.
And all the others that will come after her.
What are you doing?
Well, we're clearly not welcome here. So we're just going to leave.
Right, OK!
- JAKE: - Mum! There's no hot water!
There's a lot of us in the house at the moment, you'll just have to wait.
Me and Misty will leave
and face up to the consequences, however catastrophic.
- Fair enough. - For myself and that poor, frightened little girl.
Well, if that's your decision.
And if this does turn out to be the last time you ever see us,
- I don't want you to think this was your fault. - We won't. Will you need a cab?
Yes. Thank you.
No, I find this most upsetting. I..
I think you are nice people but you behave in the ways that is not nice.
Yes, yes, she is annoying, but you are better than this.
She is your sister and they have nobody,
so not to help them is unforgivable.
A lack of morals.
Anyway, that is what I think.
His English is actually rather good, isn't it?
(We don't really have much choice, do we?)
PHONE BEEPS
She's outside.
- I bet this is a bit different from your home. - Oh, I think this is different from any home.
Hello!
- You must be Victoria. - Yeah. - Well, don't wait out there in the cold...
wearing almost nothing, come in.
- Maybe I'll just... - No, come on in! We can have a chat while Jake gets ready. - No, honestly, I would...
Just come in.
Come on, in you come.
- PHONE RINGS - Misty! Hello?
Pete, this is Victoria.
- Hello. - Hey. - Why don't you two go in there and have a nice chat.
What, us two?
I think it would be safer. Nice in-depth chat.
About things.
Right. Well, um...
Cup of tea?
- No, thanks. - Or a beer.
Because you're old enough to drink, aren't you?
No, thanks.
Whereas, with Jake, of course, that's...not the case, because...
given his age.
Which you, of course, know because...
- he's told you. - Sorry?
- He's told you he's 15? - Why would he do that?
- Because he's 15. - He's 15?
Why would he tell me he was 17?
Well, to impress you, I imagine.
That is so sweet. Bless him!
Oh, my God. There are eight,
no, nine threatening emails from Brick and his lawyers.
Don't worry, there's a good chance none of this is real. And if it is real,
there's a quantum universe with infinite worlds and in most of them, this isn't happening.
- Hi, Martin. - In a lot of them, you're probably on holiday.
Well, thanks for ringing back.
- And in one of them, you're playing rugby for England. - Ben, I'm on the phone.
But only in this universe.
Illegal? Really? Like, against the law?
- Yes. - What, me and Jake? God.
So they could arrest, like, hundreds of thousands of 15-year-old schoolkids all over England.
- That's really interesting. - Well, interesting's not exactly...
I can see now why you wanted to speak to me. So we done?
Well, we're also a bit worried about what you do.
The dancing? I only do it in Westminster where they make you keep your pants on.
Well, that's...
good.
Look, we're just not sure that one of those clubs
is a healthy environment for a 15-year-old boy.
- Oh, I don't let him watch the other girls. - But he is there in the club.
Look, if you want to check out the club, that it's...
you know, healthy, this promo gets two people in for free.
You could take Mrs Brockman.
I don't think that's going to happen.
Or not take her.
- In the multiverse... - Yeah.
..you can't call anything real. Because reality isn't really real.
Ben, if ever there was a moment not to question the nature of existence,
it's now, so just back off!
Sorry, Martin.
- In another universe, his name's Trevor. - Yeah?
At the end of the day, it comes down to this - he's 15.
- You're 19. - Well, he thinks I'm 19,
but, I mean, age is only a number, isn't it? Really.
Sorry, did you just say, "He THINKS I'm 19"?
Well, everyone does. I have to say that
or they won't let me do the dancing. I'm 16.
- You're 16? - Yep.
You're 16 and he's...15.
I guess so.
Well, I guess that's...
Hi! How long have you been here?
- Five minutes. - Oh, right, well, we should get going.
Jake, I know you're 15, not 17.
- Oh. - But I'm not 19, I'm 16.
- You're 16? - Yeah.
- Oh, well. - Oh, well?!
Do you want to see the Steve Carell film or the space one?
- They're both on at the cine centre? - Yeah. The Steve Carell one's meant to be good.
Pete? Did that go well?
- I... I've really no idea. - Come on, Misty, we're going.
Angela, look, I've been talking to a friend of mine, Martin,
who's a solicitor, he's driving up from Portsmouth so we can talk through
some of the legal options so that you and Misty are protected from Brick.
What I'm saying is, you don't have to leave.
You can stay as long as necessary.
I'm getting back together with Brick.
- I'm sorry? - That was him on the phone.
He was lovely. He cried.
- But you said yourself, he's a monster. - Oh, he has bad days.
But I can change him. It's like I say in my book, Pete,
relationships are marathons, not sprints.
- Come on, Misty, we've got to go and see Daddy. - Oh, for...!
In German, we have a word for this kind of person. Idiot.
Yeah, we say idiot as well.
Also prat, moron, git and pain in the arse.
- These are all good words. - Look, what matters is she's going.
- Problem solved. - Yes.
Oh, by the way, Victoria's only 16.
She lied about her age so she could pole-dance.
Right.
So she's an illegal pole-dancer,
but she's only a little bit older than Jake.
That...that's better, isn't it?
I think it might be worse. But do you know, I'm not sure now.
- It's sort of better and sort of worse. - I think it is a little worse.
- Really? - She is entertaining older men.
- I think you're right. He's right. - They pay for this. - Oh, God. This is so difficult.
There has to be a question about her morals.
There must be a helpline for this.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd