1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,898 No, no, I pressed seven, but the man on seven 2 00:00:03,898 --> 00:00:07,033 said I had to press three, and you're three. 3 00:00:07,033 --> 00:00:14,508 No. No. Well, the point is you have sent me a bill I can't possibly pay. 4 00:00:16,477 --> 00:00:22,505 I can't pay it because it is for the sum of 5 00:00:22,505 --> 00:00:25,600 zero pounds, zero, zero pence. 6 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,011 So, eh, I am just notifying you that... 7 00:00:28,011 --> 00:00:30,824 What do you mean, I've got to pay it? 8 00:00:32,834 --> 00:00:36,169 I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds 9 00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:40,108 or else the computer won't understand? 10 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,675 OK, fine. 11 00:00:43,323 --> 00:00:45,292 So, how are we doing, team? HE SIGHS 12 00:00:45,292 --> 00:00:50,396 Ow! Ow, God. It's static! It's this cardigan. 13 00:00:50,396 --> 00:00:54,536 I feel like a ball of electricity. It's like being one of the X-Men. 14 00:00:54,536 --> 00:00:55,982 Knitwearwoman. 15 00:00:57,108 --> 00:01:00,443 - So how was school? - Still there. 16 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:01,488 Ow! Oh. 17 00:01:03,056 --> 00:01:04,864 Cheerier than yesterday. 18 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,682 Yeah, she should have settled in by now. 19 00:01:08,682 --> 00:01:12,058 I thought once the first term was over she'd be OK, but... 20 00:01:12,058 --> 00:01:14,831 Well, you know, big school, takes a lot of getting used to. 21 00:01:14,831 --> 00:01:17,363 Took me months to start making friends. 22 00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:20,176 I remember one day the other kids grabbed my scarf 23 00:01:20,176 --> 00:01:23,391 and threw it on the railway line... 24 00:01:23,391 --> 00:01:25,441 ..And then my shoes... 25 00:01:25,441 --> 00:01:26,807 And my trousers... 26 00:01:28,093 --> 00:01:30,062 And my underpants. 27 00:01:30,062 --> 00:01:32,072 And there was another time, at the sports ground... 28 00:01:32,072 --> 00:01:34,162 Is this going to be the anecdote about the time you got 29 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:38,140 - lashed to the roof of the minibus? - Possibly. - OK. 30 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:42,240 I think the big thing she's struggling with is not being the star turn. 31 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,178 I mean, academically, these kids are much stronger. 32 00:01:46,178 --> 00:01:48,388 I don't know, maybe we've got the wrong school. 33 00:01:48,388 --> 00:01:50,679 Maybe we should have sent her to St Mungo's. 34 00:01:50,679 --> 00:01:53,734 - Maybe. I've heard horror stories. - About St Mungo's? 35 00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:59,360 Well, Frank Pringle says that his son has already been offered drugs twice. 36 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,736 - Once by an RE teacher. - Do you think we've made the right choice? 37 00:02:02,736 --> 00:02:05,629 Well, we'll never know for certain. 38 00:02:05,629 --> 00:02:08,925 Besides, is it the school that's the problem or is it her? She's not exactly... 39 00:02:08,925 --> 00:02:12,301 - FRONT DOOR SLAMS - Hiya. 40 00:02:12,301 --> 00:02:17,364 Why does he always slam the door like that? Every time. 41 00:02:17,364 --> 00:02:18,811 Can you not slam the door? 42 00:02:18,811 --> 00:02:22,348 - Did I slam it? - Yes. The windows are still rattling. 43 00:02:22,348 --> 00:02:23,835 You're a bit late. 44 00:02:23,835 --> 00:02:24,880 - Had an audition. - Oh. 45 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,613 For the lower school show. It's a musical. 46 00:02:27,613 --> 00:02:31,230 I bet it's Oliver! Yeah, it'll be Oliver! Schools always do Oliver! 47 00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:34,324 - No, it's Spartacus. - A musical about Spartacus? 48 00:02:34,324 --> 00:02:37,097 - Yeah. - I didn't know there was a musical about Spartacus. 49 00:02:37,097 --> 00:02:39,709 There isn't yet. Mr Farthingwell is writing it. 50 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:42,121 Mr Farthingwell? 51 00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:43,527 The new music teacher. 52 00:02:43,527 --> 00:02:46,300 The one that let Ben borrow the school drum kit over Christmas. 53 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:49,756 Oh, yes... I remember. 54 00:02:49,756 --> 00:02:51,846 Anyway, it's going to be awesome. 55 00:02:51,846 --> 00:02:54,378 There's songs, gladiator fights and we have a sea-battle. 56 00:02:55,946 --> 00:02:57,995 And you're auditioning for a singing part...? 57 00:02:57,995 --> 00:03:01,451 - Yeah. - ..that involves singing? 58 00:03:01,451 --> 00:03:03,380 Yeah. 59 00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:09,650 Well, good for you! That's really great that you're having 60 00:03:09,650 --> 00:03:11,900 a crack at something outside your comfort zone. 61 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:16,522 But just... You know, just remember that an audition can be... 62 00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:20,581 You know, there's always a chance that you might be disappointed. 63 00:03:20,581 --> 00:03:22,631 It won't bother me if I don't get a part. 64 00:03:22,631 --> 00:03:25,323 Mr Farthingwell says if I don't get a part, I can do the lights. 65 00:03:25,323 --> 00:03:28,780 - The lights? With electricity? - Yeah. 66 00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:33,281 I really like Mr Farthingwell. He has some really big ideas. 67 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:36,014 At his last school, he put on a musical about Salman Rushdie. 68 00:03:36,014 --> 00:03:37,822 Right... 69 00:03:37,822 --> 00:03:40,113 - And how did that go? - Fine. 70 00:03:40,113 --> 00:03:44,252 He had to have a policeman outside his house for a few months... Listen to this. 71 00:03:44,252 --> 00:03:46,945 "The Romans were so frightened of Spartacus and his rebels 72 00:03:46,945 --> 00:03:48,673 "that they decided to evacuate Rome." 73 00:03:48,673 --> 00:03:51,366 Well, that's the Italian army for you. 74 00:03:51,366 --> 00:03:53,817 Racist joke. 75 00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:54,983 How is that a racist joke? 76 00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:57,916 Hmm, no. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's just racist. 77 00:03:57,916 --> 00:03:59,002 Oh, not this again. 78 00:03:59,002 --> 00:04:03,101 I'm just saying you purely assuming that all Italians are cowards is racist. 79 00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:04,909 I'm not saying all Italians are cowards. I'm going on... 80 00:04:04,909 --> 00:04:06,155 Oh, so if you were going to 81 00:04:06,155 --> 00:04:08,526 pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio, do you think he... 82 00:04:08,526 --> 00:04:10,375 You wouldn't have to pick a fight with Paolo Di Canio. 83 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,505 - He would pick a fight with you. - So... 84 00:04:12,505 --> 00:04:13,590 I'm not a racist. 85 00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,519 I'm not criticising you. I'm just saying, 86 00:04:15,519 --> 00:04:17,569 it's unfortunate that you have to be burdened with that mindset. 87 00:04:17,569 --> 00:04:18,694 He's got a point, Dad. 88 00:04:18,694 --> 00:04:20,020 You can't help it. 89 00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:22,632 You know that story you tell about Mr Patel at the newsagents? 90 00:04:22,632 --> 00:04:25,526 You can't tell that story without doing this weird wobbling with your head. 91 00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:27,535 He wobbles his head. 92 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,349 So why is that funny? Why do you laugh at it? Why do you impersonate him? 93 00:04:30,349 --> 00:04:32,197 I don't know why it's funny. It just is funny. 94 00:04:32,197 --> 00:04:34,126 OK. Fine, well, why didn't you... 95 00:04:34,126 --> 00:04:37,020 You do what I would consider racist things. 96 00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:39,230 - What about video games? They're racist. - Well, how are they racist? 97 00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:41,682 You have a towel head count. 98 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,892 All right, boys. Let... Ow! 99 00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:46,826 - Why is it... - Maybe it's you. 100 00:04:46,826 --> 00:04:48,434 - Eh? - Maybe it's not the cardigan. 101 00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:54,462 Maybe it's you. Maybe your body is, you know, especially static-y. 102 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,552 "Static-y?" 103 00:04:56,552 --> 00:04:57,757 Yeah. 104 00:04:57,757 --> 00:05:00,249 Pete Brockman - man of science. 105 00:05:01,816 --> 00:05:03,946 Hey, Dad. Look at Beckham's latest tattoo. 106 00:05:03,946 --> 00:05:06,478 God, what does he look like? 107 00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:07,885 He looks good. 108 00:05:07,885 --> 00:05:10,859 Used to be only sailors got tattooed. 109 00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:15,882 And now, every morning on the Tube, I'm surrounded by human billboards 110 00:05:15,882 --> 00:05:20,464 with snakes peeping out of their sleeves. 111 00:05:20,464 --> 00:05:24,885 In 40 years' time, we will be the most unattractive nation on the planet. 112 00:05:24,885 --> 00:05:29,506 Everyone will be covered in very wrinkly, saggy reptiles. 113 00:05:29,506 --> 00:05:32,963 I reckon, anyone who gets a tattoo needs a brain transplan... 114 00:05:32,963 --> 00:05:35,093 You've got a tattoo, haven't you? 115 00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:37,825 What?! You got a tattoo!? 116 00:05:37,825 --> 00:05:39,875 - Yeah. - Where? 117 00:05:39,875 --> 00:05:41,161 In Camden Town. 118 00:05:41,161 --> 00:05:42,568 On your body! 119 00:05:42,568 --> 00:05:44,818 Oh, right. Em, it's just behind my right shoulder. 120 00:05:44,818 --> 00:05:46,144 For God's sake! 121 00:05:46,144 --> 00:05:48,114 Come on, then. Show us the damage. 122 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:52,173 What were you thinking of? Honestly! 123 00:05:53,579 --> 00:05:56,272 OK, first question, what the hell is it? 124 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,040 Looks like a spider. 125 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,130 It's the Ancient Persian word for "peace". 126 00:06:00,130 --> 00:06:01,175 What possessed you? 127 00:06:01,175 --> 00:06:03,586 It was an impulse. we were in Camden Market and... 128 00:06:03,586 --> 00:06:05,676 You were in Camden Market and you suddenly decided to get a tattoo? 129 00:06:05,676 --> 00:06:07,605 What are you, a German tourist? 130 00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:09,534 - Look... - How much did it cost? 131 00:06:09,534 --> 00:06:11,584 - Actually, it was really cheap. - That explains the green edges. 132 00:06:11,584 --> 00:06:13,433 - What? - The edges are green. 133 00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:16,688 Oh, right. Yeah, he said, to start with, there might be some discolouration. 134 00:06:16,688 --> 00:06:20,024 Right, a cheap tattoo parlour. Smart move, Jake. 135 00:06:20,024 --> 00:06:22,997 Oh, I'm sorry, but all the Harley Street tattooists were booked up! 136 00:06:22,997 --> 00:06:24,605 Hey, neat spider. 137 00:06:24,605 --> 00:06:26,052 It's not a spider! 138 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,262 It's Ancient Persian...for "sucker". 139 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,030 I made a fashion choice, OK? 140 00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:33,085 A hat is a fashion choice. Carving into your body is... 141 00:06:33,085 --> 00:06:34,411 Mum, I'm 17. 142 00:06:34,411 --> 00:06:38,028 I'm old enough to decide to die for my country, I can choose to get a tattoo. 143 00:06:38,028 --> 00:06:40,359 Well, you're not very likely to die for your country, 144 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,489 although you are quite likely to die from septicaemia. 145 00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:46,186 It's just a tattoo, it's not genocide. 146 00:06:47,312 --> 00:06:49,482 HE BANGS CHAIR 147 00:06:49,482 --> 00:06:50,527 DOOR SLAMS 148 00:06:50,527 --> 00:06:51,853 SHE SIGHS 149 00:06:52,858 --> 00:06:54,706 You concentrate on the littlest one 150 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,877 because you think she's the one with the problems, 151 00:06:56,877 --> 00:07:01,257 and then the one that's virtually an adult goes and does something stupid. Oh... 152 00:07:02,704 --> 00:07:07,285 Do you think Ben'll be all right if he doesn't get a part in that show? 153 00:07:07,285 --> 00:07:11,023 He's more sensitive than he lets on and everybody forgets he's only 13, 154 00:07:11,023 --> 00:07:15,042 - because he's so... - Bloody huge. Oh, he'll be fine. 155 00:07:15,042 --> 00:07:17,011 Well, if it involves singing... 156 00:07:17,011 --> 00:07:19,020 You don't have to be able to sing to be in a musical. 157 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,106 Russell Crowe proved that. 158 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,276 But Ben's got a voice like a walrus. 159 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:26,777 Again - Russell Crowe for Les Miserables. 160 00:07:26,777 --> 00:07:28,666 Listen... 161 00:07:28,666 --> 00:07:31,157 You've got to stop worrying about everyone, OK? 162 00:07:31,157 --> 00:07:32,564 Mum OK? 163 00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:37,226 Yeah, she's OK. You OK? 164 00:07:37,226 --> 00:07:39,878 Er, I'm a bit worried about something. 165 00:07:41,285 --> 00:07:43,093 Oh, right. OK. 166 00:07:43,093 --> 00:07:46,871 Well, come on. Let's, um... Let's chat about it, sweetheart. 167 00:07:46,871 --> 00:07:49,122 It's been worrying me for weeks. 168 00:07:49,122 --> 00:07:52,859 Whatever the problem is, I'm certain we can sort it out. 169 00:07:52,859 --> 00:07:54,628 It's about Tommy. 170 00:07:57,642 --> 00:07:59,410 Tommy the hamster? 171 00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:03,228 Yeah. I'm worried that he's stuck under the floorboards. 172 00:08:03,228 --> 00:08:06,805 Look, I think we're going to have to be realistic about this, darling. 173 00:08:06,805 --> 00:08:09,618 He disappeared down that hole two months ago, 174 00:08:09,618 --> 00:08:12,311 and, even if he is trapped, by now he... 175 00:08:12,311 --> 00:08:14,481 There's that factory that collapsed in Bangladesh 176 00:08:14,481 --> 00:08:19,183 and they found that woman weeks after it had collapsed on her, still alive. 177 00:08:19,183 --> 00:08:21,032 So we can't give up on Tommy. 178 00:08:21,032 --> 00:08:23,162 I don't really think there's anything we can do. 179 00:08:23,162 --> 00:08:26,015 You said, whatever the problem was, you were certain 180 00:08:26,015 --> 00:08:28,306 - that you could sort it out. - Yeah, but that was... 181 00:08:28,306 --> 00:08:31,159 - Bullshit? - Hey! 182 00:08:31,159 --> 00:08:32,968 Not... No. 183 00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:40,121 What I meant was any problem of a non-hamster-related nature. 184 00:08:40,121 --> 00:08:43,176 Look, we did everything we could possibly do at the time, didn't we? 185 00:08:43,176 --> 00:08:45,587 We made a thorough search of the house, 186 00:08:45,587 --> 00:08:49,927 we put all those pictures of him up on the lampposts. 187 00:08:49,927 --> 00:08:53,343 You called Chris Packham on Autumnwatch... 188 00:08:53,343 --> 00:08:55,071 and at his home. 189 00:08:55,071 --> 00:08:59,894 I really don't think there's anything constructively that we can do. 190 00:08:59,894 --> 00:09:03,310 Well, we could take up the floorboards. 191 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,355 What are you...? 192 00:09:04,355 --> 00:09:08,856 Wait. Taking up the floorboards might be a little bit expensive. 193 00:09:08,856 --> 00:09:12,433 - How much would it cost? - About 2,000 hamsters' worth. 194 00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:15,085 Look, I tell you what, your dad and I will have a think about it 195 00:09:15,085 --> 00:09:18,180 and we'll see what we can come up with, OK? 196 00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:19,948 OK. 197 00:09:23,203 --> 00:09:24,610 What did you say that for? 198 00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:26,418 Well, she's had such a difficult time lately, 199 00:09:26,418 --> 00:09:27,865 I didn't want to upset her any more. 200 00:09:27,865 --> 00:09:30,397 So what do you suggest? Cos now she's not going to be happy 201 00:09:30,397 --> 00:09:33,813 until that hamster is the focus of an international rescue effort 202 00:09:33,813 --> 00:09:36,225 and live reports from Orla Guerin. 203 00:09:36,225 --> 00:09:37,631 It's not about the hamster. 204 00:09:37,631 --> 00:09:39,560 Isn't it? 205 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,333 No, it's her anxiety about school coming out sideways. 206 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,182 We don't have to do anything. 207 00:09:44,182 --> 00:09:46,513 We just have to be sympathetic. 208 00:09:46,513 --> 00:09:49,005 So all that stuff you said, that was... 209 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,210 Bullshit. 210 00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:52,943 Oh. OK. Fair enough. 211 00:09:54,430 --> 00:09:56,600 I need to pick a piece for my audition. Could I try some out on you? 212 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,811 - Erm... - I was thinking that I'm going to go with 213 00:09:58,811 --> 00:10:00,820 the Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You. 214 00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:02,588 Right. 215 00:10:02,588 --> 00:10:03,955 That's... 216 00:10:03,955 --> 00:10:06,125 That... That's quite high. 217 00:10:06,125 --> 00:10:07,612 Is it? 218 00:10:07,612 --> 00:10:11,872 Yeah, there are quite a few...top notes. 219 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,203 Which I'm sure you can hit, Ben, yeah. 220 00:10:14,203 --> 00:10:16,534 I'll be in the shed if anyone wants me. 221 00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:18,382 Stay and listen if you want. 222 00:10:18,382 --> 00:10:21,798 Oh, no, no. I've got a tin ear. Your mum, she's the musical one. 223 00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:22,843 I'll catch you later. 224 00:10:22,843 --> 00:10:25,657 Could you just bung me that cardigan? There's a bit of a draught in here. 225 00:10:25,657 --> 00:10:27,144 Ow! 226 00:10:27,144 --> 00:10:30,118 Oh, dear! You must be static-y. 227 00:10:31,122 --> 00:10:35,262 DISTANT SIRENS WAIL 228 00:10:35,262 --> 00:10:37,874 What are you doing? It's quarter past midnight. 229 00:10:37,874 --> 00:10:39,080 What do you make of this? 230 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,933 I sent an email to Karen's form tutor 231 00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:44,626 telling her that Karen didn't want to sit next to this girl Dionne 232 00:10:44,626 --> 00:10:48,363 because she finds her disruptive, and the form tutor's emailed back, 233 00:10:48,363 --> 00:10:52,864 saying that she takes my point, but she is... 234 00:10:52,864 --> 00:10:57,727 "Running out of classmates who Karen is prepared to sit next to." 235 00:10:57,727 --> 00:10:59,455 Well, that's fair comment, isn't it? 236 00:10:59,455 --> 00:11:01,264 It just got me thinking, that's all. 237 00:11:01,264 --> 00:11:04,640 Maybe Karen isn't the only one who's having problems settling. 238 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,890 Maybe it's a more general problem, 239 00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:09,301 and then I thought there's a quick way to find out. 240 00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:11,311 - Which is? - Ask the other parents. 241 00:11:11,311 --> 00:11:12,758 So I'm sending them all an email. 242 00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:14,044 In God's name, no. 243 00:11:14,044 --> 00:11:17,942 - What? - You cannot send an email at 12:15am. 244 00:11:17,942 --> 00:11:19,228 Why not? 245 00:11:19,228 --> 00:11:23,649 Because you will start one of those late night email firestorms. 246 00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,176 Don't be ridiculous. 247 00:11:25,176 --> 00:11:28,311 You should never, ever, send an email asking someone's opinion 248 00:11:28,311 --> 00:11:29,918 after eleven o'clock at night. 249 00:11:29,918 --> 00:11:31,928 Well, actually, I've already sent it. 250 00:11:31,928 --> 00:11:33,656 That's insane. 251 00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:38,559 All I've done is ask for the input of 30 or so adults. 252 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,010 Many of whom will have half a bottle of Merlot inside them 253 00:11:41,010 --> 00:11:44,507 and be just itching to pour out their gripes. 254 00:11:44,507 --> 00:11:48,204 Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation 255 00:11:48,204 --> 00:11:50,334 that email is perfect for. 256 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,987 - EMAIL ALERT - There you are. I've already got a reply. 257 00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,185 That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it? 258 00:12:01,185 --> 00:12:05,003 Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who's... 259 00:12:05,003 --> 00:12:11,875 who's a bit upset about the fact that the school has failed to make 260 00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:15,573 the connection between her child's pyromania 261 00:12:15,573 --> 00:12:18,908 and... And the fact that she is exceptionally gifted. 262 00:12:18,908 --> 00:12:19,993 Right. 263 00:12:19,993 --> 00:12:21,480 EMAIL ALERT Oh, there's another one. 264 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,490 - Whoa! - Oh. 265 00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:26,062 Look at the exclamation marks on that! 266 00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:29,036 - Well, again, he's a... - Concerned father? 267 00:12:29,036 --> 00:12:33,416 ..who's a bit concerned about the quality of the teaching staff. 268 00:12:33,416 --> 00:12:37,676 First time I've seen the word "wankers" spelt with a Z. 269 00:12:37,676 --> 00:12:39,726 EMAIL ALERTS Oh, you've got another five replies. 270 00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:43,263 No, six. You have hit a grievance gusher. 271 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,468 Yeah... 272 00:12:46,277 --> 00:12:47,683 You're not replying, are you? 273 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:50,336 You can't not reply to a reply. That's rude. 274 00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,827 EMAIL ALERTS You've already poked the hornet's nest, 275 00:12:52,827 --> 00:12:54,475 you don't want to carry on whacking it. 276 00:12:54,475 --> 00:12:56,766 In a way, this response is quite reassuring 277 00:12:56,766 --> 00:12:59,137 - because Karen is obviously... - EMAIL ALERT 278 00:12:59,137 --> 00:13:00,946 ..not the only one with concerned parents. 279 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,035 I'm not concerned. I'm going to bed. 280 00:13:03,035 --> 00:13:04,763 EMAIL ALERT 281 00:13:04,763 --> 00:13:06,773 - 13. - EMAIL ALERT 282 00:13:07,778 --> 00:13:09,867 - 14. - EMAIL ALERT 283 00:13:10,872 --> 00:13:13,283 - 15. - EMAIL ALERT 284 00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:15,293 - SIGHS - 16. 285 00:13:15,293 --> 00:13:16,539 EMAIL ALERTS 286 00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:20,156 That thing is the king of toasters. 287 00:13:20,156 --> 00:13:22,406 I'll tell you a way to make friends at a new school, Karen. 288 00:13:22,406 --> 00:13:24,014 Do something mental. 289 00:13:24,014 --> 00:13:25,099 I don't do mental. 290 00:13:25,099 --> 00:13:27,792 My second day, I got this huge tray, and I 291 00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:30,966 sledged down the roof of the music block. After that, I had tons of friends. 292 00:13:30,966 --> 00:13:34,463 - And a surgical collar. - Yeah, I got them all to sign it. 293 00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:36,392 Why don't you join a band? That's a good way to make friends. 294 00:13:36,392 --> 00:13:37,437 Or be the funny girl. 295 00:13:37,437 --> 00:13:40,210 You could, like, create all the jokes and stuff 296 00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:42,702 and you could make, like, a song up about your teacher, 297 00:13:42,702 --> 00:13:46,881 and then put it on the internet. But, remember, wear a mask or something 298 00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:50,538 cos, well, I didn't, and you need to hide your identity. 299 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,467 How's the shoulder, Spider-Boy? 300 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,437 - Fine. - Good, good. How about you, Karen? 301 00:13:54,437 --> 00:13:56,647 How are you? Raring to go? 302 00:13:56,647 --> 00:13:58,737 Got double English today. You like English, don't you? 303 00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,465 Dad, I did some research. 304 00:14:01,671 --> 00:14:05,087 There are these things called thermal imaging cameras. 305 00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:06,172 We could hire one. 306 00:14:06,172 --> 00:14:08,905 Tommy's gone. He's not going to have survived for two months on his own. 307 00:14:08,905 --> 00:14:12,120 - Why not? - Because he's a hamster, not Bear Grylls. 308 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,380 - Yeah, all right. - Hamsters are domestic pets. You don't see David Attenborough documentaries 309 00:14:16,380 --> 00:14:17,786 about hamsters roaming the open plains. 310 00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:20,117 - OK, that's... - Tommy's natural environment is a wheel. 311 00:14:20,117 --> 00:14:22,328 You're just grumpy because your spider's going green. 312 00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:23,654 It's not a spider! 313 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,663 Oh. Jeez, look at the time. Come on, Karen. 314 00:14:25,663 --> 00:14:28,115 Chop chop, cos you're going to miss your bus. 315 00:14:28,115 --> 00:14:30,245 And no fluorescent socks! 316 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:32,214 Better check the travel news. 317 00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:34,907 See if the District Line has phoned in sick again. 318 00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:38,805 Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake? 319 00:14:41,739 --> 00:14:44,632 Well, every child is different. 320 00:14:44,632 --> 00:14:46,039 Yeah, no two kids are the same. 321 00:14:46,039 --> 00:14:47,486 She just said that. 322 00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:50,299 Yeah. And I was I was reinforcing it. 323 00:14:50,299 --> 00:14:52,188 - I mean, it was a tight decision. - Yes. 324 00:14:52,188 --> 00:14:56,046 - Eh, we felt that, um... - On... On balance, 325 00:14:56,046 --> 00:15:02,516 em, the school Karen's at is known for...having lots of structure. 326 00:15:02,516 --> 00:15:03,802 Structure, that's right. 327 00:15:03,802 --> 00:15:09,067 And, eh, the school is a school with a more...scholastic approach. 328 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:12,764 So, in the end, we felt, eh, Karen would perhaps 329 00:15:12,764 --> 00:15:18,793 benefit from being challenged, academically speaking. 330 00:15:19,838 --> 00:15:22,088 Are you saying she's brighter than us? 331 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,133 - No. - Not at all. 332 00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:25,022 - No. No way. - The reverse. 333 00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:28,237 - Um... - Cos actually what we actually are saying 334 00:15:28,237 --> 00:15:32,336 is that every child has different needs. 335 00:15:32,336 --> 00:15:38,646 And one chooses a school which is best tailored to that child's needs. 336 00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:43,227 Better shift. 337 00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:48,854 I think they bought it. 338 00:15:51,104 --> 00:15:53,676 LORRY BEEPS 339 00:15:53,676 --> 00:15:56,409 FRONT DOOR CLOSES Ben? 340 00:15:56,409 --> 00:15:58,459 No, the slam wasn't deafening enough! 341 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:00,991 What are you doing? 342 00:16:00,991 --> 00:16:03,161 Psychology essay. 343 00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:06,296 While watching TV, listening to music and Facebooking. 344 00:16:06,296 --> 00:16:08,184 Mm-hmm. I'm multitasking. 345 00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:11,962 There's no such thing as a multitasking, just doing lots of things badly. 346 00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,972 The correct term is "multifailing". 347 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:18,794 The warrior returns. Feed me, wench! 348 00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:21,085 Pete, this is Esme. 349 00:16:21,085 --> 00:16:23,537 Hello, Mr Brockman. 350 00:16:23,537 --> 00:16:25,908 Oh, hi, Esme. 351 00:16:25,908 --> 00:16:27,113 Er, tea? 352 00:16:28,319 --> 00:16:32,499 (That's encouraging. She's invited a friend home.) 353 00:16:32,499 --> 00:16:33,865 (I invited her.) 354 00:16:33,865 --> 00:16:39,210 - Eh? - Yeah, I overheard her mum, struggling with some pick-ups, on the phone, 355 00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:43,269 so I volunteered to have Esme for a bit, you know, for a bit of bonding. 356 00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:46,565 So, girls, how was school today? 357 00:16:47,931 --> 00:16:49,940 Anything exciting happen? 358 00:16:51,146 --> 00:16:52,794 You're very quiet, Karen. 359 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:53,879 She got a 4L in English. 360 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,371 Well, that doesn't sound so bad. 361 00:16:56,371 --> 00:16:57,817 No, it is. 362 00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:01,676 Well, er, then, Karen, 363 00:17:01,676 --> 00:17:05,051 it's... It's a very good position to improve from. 364 00:17:05,051 --> 00:17:07,945 Then she argued with the teacher about her bad mark, 365 00:17:07,945 --> 00:17:11,321 and because she kept arguing, we missed most of our break. 366 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:14,335 Well, she's a horrible teacher. She's obsessed with apostrophes. 367 00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:16,304 - Apostrophes are important. - No, they're not. 368 00:17:16,304 --> 00:17:18,756 Everyone gets them wrong and they slow down your texting. 369 00:17:18,756 --> 00:17:19,801 You need punctuation. 370 00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:23,297 If you didn't have punctuation, look, the words would just crash into each other. 371 00:17:23,297 --> 00:17:25,427 - You need colons and semicolons... - Really? Why? 372 00:17:25,427 --> 00:17:27,637 Colons are very important. If you didn't have a colon, 373 00:17:27,637 --> 00:17:31,013 you wouldn't be able to put a smiley face at the end of your text messages. 374 00:17:31,013 --> 00:17:32,782 Punctuation is stupid. It's just... 375 00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:35,193 Let's not get sidetracked, shall we? 376 00:17:35,193 --> 00:17:37,725 The thing is, Karen, you go to a school where there are a lot of 377 00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:42,346 bright kids, and it's important that you don't measure yourself 378 00:17:42,346 --> 00:17:48,335 against anyone else. You must always just measure yourself against...yourself. 379 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,826 How can you measure something against itself? 380 00:17:50,826 --> 00:17:52,353 It'll just be the same size. 381 00:17:52,353 --> 00:17:54,323 What was the exact mark? 382 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,649 49%. 383 00:17:55,649 --> 00:17:58,261 - Well, that's midway. - It's slightly lower than that, actually. 384 00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:01,396 Yes, thank you, Esme. You're clearly very good at maths. 385 00:18:01,396 --> 00:18:02,762 I am quite good. 386 00:18:02,762 --> 00:18:07,022 They asked me to mentor Karen cos she's struggling a bit. 387 00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,760 - Who wants some ice-cream? Ice-cream? - Yes, please. 388 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,131 - Esme? - Oh, no, she can't have any, 389 00:18:13,131 --> 00:18:16,949 because she's lactose intolerant. Isn't that a shame? 390 00:18:16,949 --> 00:18:18,999 - Cake? - Oh no, not that either. 391 00:18:18,999 --> 00:18:22,173 It's got nuts, and so her face'll go like... 392 00:18:23,218 --> 00:18:25,348 ..and then they'll have to stab her with an EpiPen. 393 00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,769 - FRONT DOOR SLAMS - BEN: I'm ho-ome! 394 00:18:29,769 --> 00:18:32,663 - What has that door ever done to you? - What? 395 00:18:32,663 --> 00:18:36,923 Eh, Ben, this is Esme. So how did the audition go? 396 00:18:36,923 --> 00:18:38,450 With the, eh, singing? 397 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,906 - Brilliant. - Good. Right. So... So, you got a part? 398 00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:43,473 - Yeah. - Right. Which one? 399 00:18:43,473 --> 00:18:46,809 - I'm Spartacus. - No, I'm Spartacus! 400 00:18:46,809 --> 00:18:48,216 - JAKE: - I'm Spartacus! 401 00:18:48,216 --> 00:18:49,944 I'm going to hear that joke a lot, aren't I? 402 00:18:49,944 --> 00:18:54,043 That's brilliant, Ben. So... So is that, em... 403 00:18:54,043 --> 00:18:55,651 Is that a big part? 404 00:18:55,651 --> 00:18:59,348 I'm Spartacus in a musical called Spartacus. 405 00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:02,442 No, of course, sorry... No, but... So that's the lead? 406 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,809 Yeah. 407 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,497 And, em, does the lead sing songs? 408 00:19:05,497 --> 00:19:08,672 Does the lead sing songs in a musical? 409 00:19:08,672 --> 00:19:11,405 Yeah, I know. What I meant... 410 00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:14,137 Does the lead sing many songs? 411 00:19:14,137 --> 00:19:15,584 Yeah, loads. 412 00:19:15,584 --> 00:19:16,790 Right. 413 00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:20,608 But Mr Farthingwell says he didn't cast me cos of my voice. 414 00:19:20,608 --> 00:19:22,336 He cast me for of my sense of attack. 415 00:19:22,336 --> 00:19:23,943 What? The way you attacked the songs? 416 00:19:23,943 --> 00:19:26,877 No. The way I attacked the other gladiators with my trident. 417 00:19:26,877 --> 00:19:28,163 Are we having ice-cream? 418 00:19:28,163 --> 00:19:30,976 Yeah, apart from Esme. She's lactose intolerant. 419 00:19:30,976 --> 00:19:33,227 Well, scoop me in. How was your day at school, Karen? 420 00:19:33,227 --> 00:19:36,482 She got a written warning for non-regulation socks. 421 00:19:36,482 --> 00:19:37,969 Yeah, well... 422 00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:40,501 And a poor mark in English. 423 00:19:40,501 --> 00:19:43,194 Well, the midterm marks don't really count for much. 424 00:19:43,194 --> 00:19:45,846 - They do, we have continual assessment... - Shall I drive you home, Esme? 425 00:19:45,846 --> 00:19:48,659 Erm, I'm not sure my mum's home yet. 426 00:19:48,659 --> 00:19:50,388 That's all right. We can wait in the car. 427 00:19:52,879 --> 00:19:56,617 - Bye-bye, Esme. - Goodbye, Mr Brockman. 428 00:19:58,224 --> 00:20:00,997 There you go. Madame's ice-cream. 429 00:20:00,997 --> 00:20:02,163 What flavour is it? 430 00:20:02,163 --> 00:20:04,735 Your favourite. Lemon and badger. 431 00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:07,508 I wish Esme hadn't gone. 432 00:20:07,508 --> 00:20:09,959 I wanted to eat this in front of her. 433 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,567 Really slowly. 434 00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:12,933 Yeah, I know. 435 00:20:13,938 --> 00:20:17,274 You know, being a star student, it's not the be-all and end-all. 436 00:20:17,274 --> 00:20:21,694 Churchill - Winston Churchill, not the insurance dog - 437 00:20:21,694 --> 00:20:25,151 he never came top at school. In fact, most of the time he came bottom, 438 00:20:25,151 --> 00:20:28,446 but that didn't stop him leading Britain to victory in the war. 439 00:20:28,446 --> 00:20:32,304 Well, maybe if he'd studied harder, 440 00:20:32,304 --> 00:20:35,278 the war wouldn't have taken him so long to win. 441 00:20:37,328 --> 00:20:40,181 No... Fair point. 442 00:20:42,552 --> 00:20:46,812 You haven't been firing off more emails to parents, have you? 443 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:50,188 No, I was just acknowledging an email from the school about the inset day. 444 00:20:50,188 --> 00:20:53,765 Oh, right. Non-intervention - that's always the best policy. 445 00:20:53,765 --> 00:20:55,774 Look at Tony Blair. 446 00:20:55,774 --> 00:20:57,985 He thought he could solve the world's problems. 447 00:20:57,985 --> 00:20:59,633 Now everyone hates him. 448 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,486 Mind you, I hated him from the start. 449 00:21:02,486 --> 00:21:04,616 Too many teeth. 450 00:21:04,616 --> 00:21:07,027 So, what was Esme's mum like? 451 00:21:07,027 --> 00:21:10,242 Well, sort of as you'd expect, really. 452 00:21:10,242 --> 00:21:14,261 She thinks Esme isn't being stretched enough. 453 00:21:14,261 --> 00:21:16,190 I'd like to stretch her... 454 00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:18,642 on a rack... 455 00:21:18,642 --> 00:21:20,852 made of peanuts. 456 00:21:20,852 --> 00:21:23,665 When I was at school, we had a kid like her. 457 00:21:23,665 --> 00:21:26,479 - He got sent to Colchester. - Coventry. 458 00:21:26,479 --> 00:21:30,739 No. They stuck him in a crate and sent him to Colchester. 459 00:21:32,346 --> 00:21:34,356 It's a bit of a worry, though, isn't it? 460 00:21:34,356 --> 00:21:37,450 Karen being less popular than a girl like Esme. 461 00:21:37,450 --> 00:21:40,705 - I feel so helpless, don't you? - It's because of our programming. 462 00:21:40,705 --> 00:21:42,072 - Eh? - We're of that generation 463 00:21:42,072 --> 00:21:44,081 of parents who've been conditioned to think that 464 00:21:44,081 --> 00:21:45,930 everything should revolve around our kids. 465 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,346 When I was a kid, my dad and my uncle took me to watch football. 466 00:21:49,346 --> 00:21:51,355 Then afterwards, they went to the pub. 467 00:21:51,355 --> 00:21:52,842 And left me in the car outside. 468 00:21:52,842 --> 00:21:54,932 Every hour or so, they brought me a bottle of Tizer. 469 00:21:56,620 --> 00:21:59,473 They locked me in the car, obviously. They weren't irresponsible. 470 00:21:59,473 --> 00:22:01,804 Well, what would have happened if the car caught fire? 471 00:22:03,492 --> 00:22:05,743 I hadn't thought of that. God, yeah... 472 00:22:05,743 --> 00:22:10,043 And that was better, was it? Abandoning children in death traps? 473 00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:15,991 I'm just saying that, in those days, your parents just left you alone. 474 00:22:15,991 --> 00:22:19,889 Yeah, I suppose we do get too involved in their lives. 475 00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:26,159 My parents didn't even help me with my homework, let alone do it for me. 476 00:22:26,159 --> 00:22:28,530 - Oh, have you set the alarm? - Yeah, 7:15am. 477 00:22:28,530 --> 00:22:29,856 Oh, no. I need to get up at seven. 478 00:22:29,856 --> 00:22:32,870 No, it's all right because I've started setting this clock 15 minutes fast. 479 00:22:32,870 --> 00:22:33,996 Why? 480 00:22:33,996 --> 00:22:36,527 Because then, when I get up, it's a nice surprise 481 00:22:36,527 --> 00:22:39,341 when I realise I've got more time than I thought I had. 482 00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:44,163 Right... 483 00:22:44,163 --> 00:22:47,177 Well, that explains why I've been getting to work so early. 484 00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:52,442 BATTLE NOISES AND HORSES ON TV 485 00:23:03,735 --> 00:23:05,061 What's this? 486 00:23:05,061 --> 00:23:08,236 Spartacus - the movie. I'm doing research. 487 00:23:08,236 --> 00:23:11,733 He just ambushed the Romans with flaming logs. 488 00:23:11,733 --> 00:23:14,908 I'm going to mention that to Mr Farthingwell as a possible finale. 489 00:23:14,908 --> 00:23:16,917 See that chin? 490 00:23:16,917 --> 00:23:19,328 Kirk Douglas. 491 00:23:19,328 --> 00:23:21,458 We had proper film stars back then. 492 00:23:21,458 --> 00:23:24,472 Proper men. None of your pasty-faced pretty boys 493 00:23:24,472 --> 00:23:27,487 who're all cheekbones and can only play vampires. 494 00:23:27,487 --> 00:23:31,385 You left out the bit about how the tigers weren't all built by computers. 495 00:23:31,385 --> 00:23:35,243 Well, I still say that Life of Pi would have been a lot more exciting 496 00:23:35,243 --> 00:23:39,905 if he'd been trapped in that boat with a real tiger... 497 00:23:39,905 --> 00:23:42,075 Certainly a lot shorter. 498 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,862 They've only sent me a reminder for zero pounds and zero, zero pence. 499 00:23:47,862 --> 00:23:50,233 It's unbelievable. 500 00:23:50,233 --> 00:23:52,524 - Dad? - Yeah? 501 00:23:52,524 --> 00:23:57,266 Um, I was considering the option 502 00:23:57,266 --> 00:23:59,276 of maybe having the tattoo removed. 503 00:23:59,276 --> 00:24:00,883 Ah, right. 504 00:24:00,883 --> 00:24:03,777 Yeah, so, I mean, any idea how much a tattoo removal might cost? 505 00:24:03,777 --> 00:24:07,394 No, because I've never been dim enough to get myself tattooed. 506 00:24:07,394 --> 00:24:09,564 And the answer to your next question is no. 507 00:24:09,564 --> 00:24:12,337 You're going to have to pay for it out of your own money. 508 00:24:12,337 --> 00:24:13,864 What's all this? 509 00:24:13,864 --> 00:24:18,566 That's some quotes from a company who hire out thermal imaging cameras. 510 00:24:18,566 --> 00:24:21,862 Oh, for... She's not still banging on about that hamster, is she? 511 00:24:21,862 --> 00:24:25,278 Yeah, she's pretty thick for someone who was too bright to go to our school. 512 00:24:26,644 --> 00:24:30,422 Oh, right. They didn't buy it. 513 00:24:30,422 --> 00:24:33,436 So where is the girl? Tunnelling under the floorboards? 514 00:24:33,436 --> 00:24:37,174 Um, no. She's up in her room. She's... She's had a few problems today. 515 00:24:37,174 --> 00:24:38,339 What are these problems? 516 00:24:38,339 --> 00:24:41,353 SHE SIGHS Well, do you remember 517 00:24:41,353 --> 00:24:44,287 when I acknowledged the school email about the inset day? 518 00:24:44,287 --> 00:24:46,055 Yeah. 519 00:24:46,055 --> 00:24:49,471 Well, I sort of, um... I sort of added a little addendum, 520 00:24:49,471 --> 00:24:54,415 eh, just to say that if Karen was to be punished for the sock thing, 521 00:24:54,415 --> 00:24:57,429 then I felt the school dress code should be enforced consistently, 522 00:24:57,429 --> 00:25:01,247 cos I've seen lots of girls wearing black trainers. 523 00:25:01,247 --> 00:25:02,854 Right. 524 00:25:02,854 --> 00:25:05,547 Well, it seems the school took it on board because apparently today 525 00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:08,601 a lot of kids were punished for not wearing the proper school uniform. 526 00:25:08,601 --> 00:25:11,053 How is this Karen's problem? 527 00:25:12,098 --> 00:25:14,991 Well, it... It's like this. 528 00:25:14,991 --> 00:25:17,885 Um, so I sent the secretary the email, 529 00:25:17,885 --> 00:25:20,819 - but accidentally by mistake... - Oh, no. 530 00:25:20,819 --> 00:25:23,029 - ..I also sent it... - Please, no. 531 00:25:23,029 --> 00:25:25,159 ..to the parents of Karen's classmates. 532 00:25:25,159 --> 00:25:26,324 Oh, for f... 533 00:25:26,324 --> 00:25:29,017 It's so easily done! 534 00:25:29,017 --> 00:25:33,157 But, the really unfortunate bit is that one of the parents, 535 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:38,180 rather irresponsibly, in my view, obviously mentioned it 536 00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:42,078 to one of the kids, and, eh, Karen has been on the receiving end 537 00:25:42,078 --> 00:25:44,771 of quite a lot of verbal abuse today. 538 00:25:44,771 --> 00:25:48,589 I can't... We've talked about this, haven't we? We've talked about 539 00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:52,327 - the dangers of the urge to intervene. - I know, it's... 540 00:25:52,327 --> 00:25:54,939 This... This is Tony Blair. You are Tony Blair. 541 00:25:54,939 --> 00:25:58,676 - I'm not Tony Blair. - Yes, you are. You went charging in. 542 00:25:58,676 --> 00:26:02,133 BEN: According to the Wiki, Spartacus is from Thracia. 543 00:26:02,133 --> 00:26:04,946 So I'm going to work on singing in a Thracian accent. 544 00:26:04,946 --> 00:26:08,362 Just as soon as I find out where Thracia is. 545 00:26:09,728 --> 00:26:11,617 Intervention invariably... 546 00:26:11,617 --> 00:26:14,511 I clicked the wrong thing! Everybody's done it. It was late. 547 00:26:14,511 --> 00:26:16,520 I was multitasking. 548 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,851 There is no such thing as multi... 549 00:26:18,851 --> 00:26:23,191 Choose your next words very carefully because they could be your last. 550 00:26:24,558 --> 00:26:28,496 Oh... It'll blow over in the end. 551 00:26:28,496 --> 00:26:30,265 I'll go up and talk to her. 552 00:26:30,265 --> 00:26:32,234 You will put in a good word for me, won't you? 553 00:26:32,234 --> 00:26:33,721 Course. 554 00:26:34,766 --> 00:26:36,655 Ow! Right, that's it! 555 00:26:38,986 --> 00:26:41,236 KNOCKING 556 00:26:43,205 --> 00:26:45,215 I heard you had a bit of a bad day. 557 00:26:45,215 --> 00:26:47,023 I'm not going into school tomorrow. 558 00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:49,515 - Oh, come on... - I'm not going. 559 00:26:49,515 --> 00:26:53,654 Mum didn't mean to cause you problems. It's just that sometimes 560 00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:56,829 things turn out badly, even if they're done with good intentions. 561 00:26:56,829 --> 00:26:58,477 Like, um... 562 00:26:58,477 --> 00:27:01,652 Well, do you remember when Ben decided 563 00:27:01,652 --> 00:27:05,912 to surprise Mum on Mother's Day with a lovely cooked breakfast? 564 00:27:05,912 --> 00:27:08,806 You probably don't remember, you were very little. 565 00:27:08,806 --> 00:27:11,378 I remember being carried by a fireman. 566 00:27:11,378 --> 00:27:13,307 Well, that is a classic example. 567 00:27:13,307 --> 00:27:17,285 You see, Ben thought that he was doing something very kind 568 00:27:17,285 --> 00:27:21,706 and thoughtful, but it ended up with everyone getting very cross. 569 00:27:21,706 --> 00:27:26,730 Mum was cross with Ben. The firemen got cross with Mum. 570 00:27:26,730 --> 00:27:30,749 I got cross with the man from the insurance company who tried to argue that 571 00:27:30,749 --> 00:27:32,999 Ben qualified as an Act of God. 572 00:27:32,999 --> 00:27:36,576 But it all began with good intentions. 573 00:27:36,576 --> 00:27:39,068 Well, try telling that to the morons at my school. 574 00:27:39,068 --> 00:27:41,640 - Did you call them morons? - Yes. 575 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,448 - And did that make them back off? - No. 576 00:27:43,448 --> 00:27:47,346 No. Generally, telling people they're morons 577 00:27:47,346 --> 00:27:50,320 doesn't really help, especially if they're morons. 578 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,817 Cos morons are notoriously slow to catch on. 579 00:27:53,817 --> 00:27:57,635 But how am I going to get them out of my face? I've got to do something. 580 00:27:57,635 --> 00:28:00,569 Listen, the best thing to do is just ignore them. 581 00:28:00,569 --> 00:28:04,226 Sometimes a bad day will come along, 582 00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:08,566 but when it does what we have to do is we have to dust ourselves down, 583 00:28:08,566 --> 00:28:13,268 we have to get up and we have to face the world. OK? 584 00:28:13,268 --> 00:28:15,599 OK. 585 00:28:15,599 --> 00:28:19,015 Everything will be fine, you'll see. 586 00:28:19,015 --> 00:28:23,275 Can I tell them that it's all Mum's fault for being an interfering idiot? 587 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,852 OK. But this conversation never happened.