1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,520 SIREN WAILS SUE: OK, everyone! Dinner in five. 2 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,000 That smells nice. Is it horse? 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,840 Probably. How was Jake's driving lesson? 4 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,600 I really think that we should pay a proper instructor to teach him. 5 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,760 - Why? - Because they are professionally trained to hide the terror. 6 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:24,080 Oh, come on. Hey, boys, now, I need you to clear away your homework stuff. 7 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:29,080 He doesn't seem to notice things. You know, important things. Solid things. 8 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,600 Because he's a teenager. They're dreamy. 9 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,600 Mentally, he's just not there. 10 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:37,040 At one point I yelled, "Pedestrian!" and he thought it was a criticism. 11 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,680 So jammy. You get to do psychology. What do I get to do? 12 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,440 Oxbow lake. What the hell is an oxbow lake anyway? I mean... 13 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,200 Mum, can I... mind if I look at the football? 14 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,520 No, we are all sitting down together for once. 15 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,280 Psychology's so interesting. 16 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:54,280 It is interesting until you have to study it, then it becomes annoying like everything else. 17 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:58,800 Yeah, but it's the study of the mind. Once you understand the mind, you can bend it to your will. 18 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,160 Like Derren Brown. He can make people think they're being attacked by zombies. 19 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,280 A very useful life skill. Ben, I need this cleared. 20 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,080 And...and career-wise, psychology's practical. 21 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,400 I will never do anything that makes me work with an oxbow lake. 22 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,760 But I might be a psychiatrist. 23 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,480 - Psychologist. - What's the difference? 24 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,280 Er...a psychiatrist studies diseases of the mind, 25 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:23,440 whereas a psychologist... writes crappy self-help books. 26 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,760 Karen! 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,480 Tea! 28 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:28,560 Ben, could you lay the table, please? 29 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,920 So, your dad was just filling me in about your driving lesson. 30 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,480 - How...how do you think it went? - I need lessons from a paid instructor. 31 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,120 - Yeah, see? - Someone who knows what they're doing. 32 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,880 - Well, I know what I'm doing. - It's very distracting, sitting next to someone 33 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:46,560 - who's constantly slamming their foot into the floor. - That's a reflex, a survival instinct. 34 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:50,120 - It's the same as throwing your hands in front of your face. - Also very distracting. 35 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,720 And he's too vague. He says bear left, when there's loads of lefts. 36 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,680 - There was one available left. - Well, I think I proved that was untrue, didn't I? 37 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,560 - But that left was a canal. - You said turn left so I turned left and I stopped in plenty of time. 38 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,160 - You didn't stop in plenty of time. - All right, I tell you what. 39 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,560 Why don't I take you out tomorrow? 40 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,560 Look, I just...I don't think it's a good idea to be taught by a family member. 41 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:13,160 Oh, it'll be fine. 42 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,240 Karen! Tea! 43 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,280 Oh, you haven't forgotten 44 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,360 that you're taking her to a swimming match tomorrow, have you? 45 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,080 No, I haven't forgotten. 46 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,560 I've tried to. 47 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:25,000 You know, I think this is perfect timing, her getting on the school team. 48 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:30,520 It'll give her a chance to settle in with the other kids, it will boost her self-confidence. 49 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:35,800 - Isn't it her self-confidence that's cheesing off the other kids? - Well...yeah. 50 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,160 But I think a lot of that's a mask, 51 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,240 to hide her insecurities. 52 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,360 - A mask? - Yeah. 53 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,840 That she's been wearing for 11 years? 54 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,720 Yeah. 55 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:53,600 I've got a bad feeling about this. 56 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,600 When she swam for the primary school, 57 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,480 it was always little tournaments and she always won, 58 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,720 but this one is against that big new academy, 59 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,680 the one whose kids aren't allowed into shops. 60 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,880 Look, it doesn't matter how she does. 61 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,400 The key here is that she's finally engaged in a school activity. 62 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,280 - What if she doesn't win? - Well, it'll be good for her. 63 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,560 - I'm not thinking of her. I'm thinking of us. - Think what kind of week we'll have. 64 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:22,840 Oh, God. Do you remember Black March, when she lost that game of Risk? 65 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,720 - Can I eat watching Game Of Thrones? - No. 66 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,960 We're all going to eat together like a prop... Now where's Jake gone? 67 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,320 - Jake! - Need the toilet! 68 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:30,760 Ben! 69 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,360 SIREN WAILS OUTSIDE I said lay the table. 70 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,720 Karen! 71 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,520 - What...what are you doing? - I've just got to print something off. 72 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,120 - Well, what is it? - First 50 pages of my novel. 73 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,400 Which one? 74 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:46,280 The one I'm working on currently, the one about the samurai who can time-travel. 75 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,960 Oh, right, that one. 76 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,320 - Cos Phil at work, his wife is an editor for a publisher, so... - Do you think you could do this later on? 77 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,280 Because the printer's playing mind games and I need to get everybody sat down. 78 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,400 - Where's Ben? Ben! - Back in a sec! 79 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,000 SHE SIGHS Karen! 80 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,040 Jake! 81 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,920 Kids! It's...it's like herding cats. 82 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:08,600 Karen, are you ignoring me or are you wearing your headphones? 83 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,160 - KAREN: - I'm ignoring you! 84 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,760 She's in a foul mood. 85 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,360 She picked up a detention today for commenting on the deputy head's moustache. 86 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,720 Oh, right, so the deputy head is ultra-sensitive about his moustache? 87 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,640 - HER moustache. - Oh, right. 88 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,560 - I don't know why Karen does this stuff. - I do. It's because of you two. 89 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,080 - Eh? - Yeah. 90 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,520 You need to challenge her behaviour, confront her more. 91 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,480 - HE CHUCKLES - I'm being serious. 92 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,320 I know. That's what's so funny. 93 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,640 You need to control her. She needs boundaries. 94 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:42,160 Well, I think you're being a bit hard on us. Isn't he? 95 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,800 Course he is. We brought you up. We didn't do a bad job there, did we? 96 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,360 Yeah. But then you just seemed to lose the hang of it. 97 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,040 - You cut her way too much slack. - But... 98 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,120 - She treats this place like a hotel. - Oh, well, that's just rubbish. 99 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,000 KAREN: Mum! I'll have dinner in my room! 100 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,600 That... 101 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,880 is an untypical coincidence that is just... 102 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,400 Karen! 103 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,040 You will come down here and have your dinner with everybody else, 104 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,560 like a...proper person! 105 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,560 There! 106 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,400 - What are those? - It's part of my costume for Spartacus. 107 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,520 Mr Farthinglow says I can take 'em home to try and get used to them. 108 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,400 He says I have to try and get myself into the mindset of a rebel slave 109 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,160 taking on the might of imperial Rome. 110 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,160 This is a musical, isn't it? 111 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,480 Ben, I won't say it again. No gladiator nets at the dinner table. 112 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,320 - You're so strict. - There. See? 113 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,520 Hallelujah! We're all here, all assembled. At last we can... 114 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:36,560 Where are you going? 115 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,440 - I need a shower. - We're all about to eat. 116 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:41,800 - Put a plate over it. I might grab it later. - No, you'll eat it now or it's going down the toilet. 117 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,000 All right, all right. 118 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,480 A family should always eat together. 119 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,880 Yep, the Borgias always ate together. 120 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,760 No, your mum's right. We should eat together. 121 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,640 Salt and pepper, Ben. 122 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,320 Karen, what was that weird thing you were doing in the bathroom earlier? 123 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:03,520 Oh, yeah, that was my victory dance for tomorrow at swimming. 124 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,560 Victory dance. 125 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,800 Yeah, I, um...make a K so I spread my arms out like this. 126 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,960 - Yeah, K for...kin' irritating. - That doesn't look like a K. 127 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,600 - Yeah, it does, K like... - You look like a...a deformed S. 128 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,360 - OK! - No, doesn't K have to be like... 129 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,960 - your arms should be longer, because... - Sit down and eat! - No... - OK, OK! 130 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,080 Enough. Everybody, let's just eat. 131 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:29,520 Cos I was reading this piece, yesterday, about how families never eat together any more, 132 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,360 because family life has become so fragmented and antisocial. 133 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,960 "Really? How interesting, Sue." 134 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:44,000 Did you know that Spartacus hid from the Romans in the volcano of Vesuvius? 135 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,200 Hiding in an active volcano? 136 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,680 Well, that's either extremely clever or fantastically stupid. 137 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,880 Just imagine what it'd be like to be in Pompeii when Vesuvius exploded. 138 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,440 Imagine being mummified in... in an embarrassing position. 139 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,080 Cos you would have thought that at least one person would be on the toilet. 140 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,360 Well, if a volcano's exploding, I imagine most of the town would be on the toilet. 141 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,080 Did you know what the loudest bang ever recorded was? 142 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,200 You shutting the front door, I imagine. 143 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,320 - Krakatoa. - Well, this really makes a pleasant change, doesn't it? 144 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,240 Us all sitting down together, having a lovely sociable meal. 145 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,320 Apart from Karen. 146 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,920 - What? - I'll get her. 147 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,200 PHONE RINGS No, no, no, you stay... 148 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,800 Where are you going? 149 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,160 - Going to get Karen. - Phil. 150 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,280 - Could you...could you please... - Yeah, sorry. The signal's rubbish here. 151 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,480 - Pete. - No, I'm sending you another lot. 152 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,240 No... 153 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,560 DOOR SHUTS 154 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,320 Bon appetit, everybody(!) 155 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,960 Mm, this is delicious, Mother. 156 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,920 Oh, it's my absolute pleasure to cook for you. 157 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,240 Perhaps you'd like us to cook you a meal tomorrow. 158 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,560 Really? Yes, that would be... 159 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:52,720 lovely, very lovely, and maybe somebody could do the washing up afterwards. 160 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,000 DISTANT SIREN BLARES 161 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,760 HE SIGHS 162 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,040 Mm. 163 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,080 SHE YAWNS 164 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,560 HE YAWNS 165 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,440 Oh... 166 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,360 SHE YAWNS 167 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,960 Oh. 168 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,600 Mm. 169 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,040 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 170 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,520 Ah. 171 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,440 Ooh. 172 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,640 Ah. 173 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,480 Oh. 174 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:30,760 Oh... 175 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,160 - OK, let's call it a draw, shall we? - What? 176 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,280 The "I'm more tired than you" competition. 177 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,440 HE YAWNS Oh, shut up. 178 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,200 HE SIGHS 179 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,760 Do you think Jake's right? Do you think we have lost the plot as parents? 180 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,400 He's at that self-righteous phase. 181 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,480 When I was his age, 182 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:55,280 I was absolutely convinced that my parents were totally wrong about everything. 183 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,200 Mind you, they were, really. 184 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:03,360 I mean, all the normal parenting techniques have never worked on Karen. 185 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,160 Not the blackmail. 186 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,440 Not bribery. 187 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,480 The threats. 188 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:14,840 She worked out it was all just a bluff at the age of three. 189 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,440 She gave us a contract at five. 190 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,240 Typed. I remember. 191 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:23,000 The thing that worries me is the way she is with other kids. 192 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,320 I keep waiting for the penny to drop. 193 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,240 You know, if you want to make friends, you have to be friendly. 194 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,360 Maybe Jake's right. Maybe we need to tackle her more head-on. 195 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,920 - Tackle her more head-on? - Yeah, try and control her. 196 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:43,720 - Try and control her? - Could you stop doing that, please? 197 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,600 And we're not that bad as parents, are we? 198 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,320 If the three of them make it to adulthood and none of them are in prison, 199 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,000 our work is done. 200 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,000 I mean, we're not...bad bad. 201 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,200 Jake's exaggerating, isn't he? 202 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,680 We're more sort of middling rather than bad. 203 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,280 Jake's wrong about bad, isn't he? 204 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,120 Pete? 205 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,080 Oh, and we have a competition winner. 206 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,960 What the hell are you talking about? 207 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,800 Computer cannot communicate with printer? 208 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,440 It's there! It's... it's less than a foot away! 209 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,720 Did you get a chance to print off my novel? 210 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,280 No, this printer's playing up. 211 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,640 Why don't you e-mail it to Phil and get him to print it out? 212 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,040 No, his printer's playing up. 213 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,880 Maybe all the printers are ganging up on us. 214 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,760 Maybe it's a robot conspiracy to tip us all over into madness. 215 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,000 It's just that Phil's wife said that the budget deadline for new commissions... 216 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,960 I will print out your time-travelling samurai, OK? 217 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:54,440 It's just at the moment I'm trying to get this registration form done 218 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,280 for the course the firm are sending me on, 219 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,280 which is tomorrow, so I think that's slightly more pressing. 220 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,720 Mind you, if Phil gets the novel to his wife, and she likes it, 221 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:08,440 and it gets published, and it does well, we could all be millionaires. 222 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,720 Oh, yeah, I was forgetting. 223 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:15,040 Oh, bloody hell! Look at the time. Karen! 224 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,760 You're going to miss your bus! 225 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,560 Dad, come and check this out. It's a thing that psychologists use. 226 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,880 It's called the inkblot test. 227 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:24,080 Is that the one where they work out someone's innermost feelings 228 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,320 by spilling ink all over the table? 229 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,400 - What? - You spilt ink all over the table. 230 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,520 Oh, yeah. Er...I was wondering about that. 231 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,720 Um...anyway, all you have to do is, you have to see if you can find any shapes. 232 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,920 - I'm busy. - Yeah, just...what can you see? 233 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,480 - I see Mum. - Hm. That's interesting. 234 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,360 Because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill their father 235 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,560 and sleep with their mother. 236 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,160 Yeah, well, Freud never met my mother. This is... 237 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,680 So, you can see your mum in this? 238 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,640 I said Mum. Your mum, my wife. 239 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,200 Look, I can see her face. She's screaming. 240 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,000 She's screaming, "What prat spilled ink all over the table?" 241 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,960 - CAR ALARM BLARES - Hey, Karen! 242 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,080 - ENGINE REVS - If you want to win the race, 243 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,960 what you've got to do is visualisation! 244 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,600 You know, when you visually see yourself winning the race visually! 245 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:12,200 Well, I'll just wait until this afternoon and then I will see myself win this race. 246 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:16,440 Well, yes, but today isn't all about the winning, is it? 247 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:17,920 It's about the taking part, isn't it? 248 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,760 It's about being part of a team. 249 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,320 Team player. On a team. 250 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,040 I was looking up loads of that psychology stuff last night. 251 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,080 Some of it's brilliant. 252 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,320 Have you heard about that bloke RD Laing? 253 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:35,080 Is he the one who thought that people's mental health could be improved 254 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,320 if they smeared their faeces all over the wall? 255 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,360 Yeah. 256 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:44,280 - I'm gonna find out more about him. - That is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard. 257 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,960 It's called camaraderie, everyone pulling together. 258 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960 There's no "I" in "team". 259 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,840 All for one and one for... 260 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,120 Let's just go. 261 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,200 WHISTLE BLOWS 262 00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,560 HE SIGHS 263 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,200 Dad? Can you look after my stuff? 264 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,080 Only I don't trust the other girls. Some of them have got an agenda. 265 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,080 Especially that one, ever since I tweeted about her. 266 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,840 - You tweeted about her? - Yeah. 267 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,920 She gets offended very easily. 268 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,640 Very sensitive. Most of the girls in my class are. 269 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,360 Listen, Karen, you're going to keep finding yourself in confrontations 270 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,200 until you learn not to be so confrontational. 271 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,520 You're 11 now. 272 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,960 You've got to learn a bit of self-control. 273 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,400 Well, I can't help being upfront. It's who I am. I've got to be me. 274 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,840 This isn't...Made In Chelsea. This is the real world. 275 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,520 You can't just go round telling everyone what you think of them. 276 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,280 You and your real world! Where are my goggles? 277 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,400 Oh, and, by the way, if you win this heat, I really wouldn't do your K dance. 278 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,720 - It's my signature move! - Yeah, but it will just antagonise your fellow competitors. 279 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,600 It'll really get up their noses and it will... 280 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,720 Affect their performance. Exactly. I know what I'm doing, Dad. 281 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,000 COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION 'Now you must brave new dangers, 282 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,080 'if you are to reach the citadel of...' 283 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,240 - COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION - Oh! Cyber-crabs! I hate them! 284 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,040 Why can't you just...print? 285 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,160 Print it. 286 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,040 - Print it! - Die! 287 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,840 - Why are you... - Any chance of a bit more noise? 288 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,400 - Stupid druid! - Take that up to your room, then. 289 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,800 I don't have Internet connection up there. 290 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,960 No! Vampire lobsters! 291 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,440 Yes! Yes! 292 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,760 He's been playing that for over an hour now. 293 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:26,680 Oh, in the name of God, just...just print. 294 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,200 He should be doing his school work. 295 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,200 Oh, so you're on Ben patrol now? 296 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,000 I'm just saying, that's all. Over an hour. 297 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,080 BEN GROANS Ben! 298 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,360 Can you stop playing with that now... 299 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,480 COMPUTER GAME EXPLOSION ..and start doing your homework? 300 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,680 Fair enough. 301 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,480 A child has just done what I asked. 302 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,680 Oh. More psychology? 303 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:53,440 You see, I told Mr Jacobs I wanted to take psychology in the sixth form, 304 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,160 and he said that it's a bullshitter's subject, 305 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,480 because the only reason people opt into doing it 306 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,680 is they think the exams are going to be really easy. 307 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,760 Er...well, he wears a bow tie so he's not qualified to talk about anything. 308 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:09,040 - Can you crack your knuckles? - CRUNCH 309 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,160 No. 310 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,640 OK, let's try "Help". 311 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,880 And "Help" is no help, because the computer has gone off line. 312 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:18,920 So, anyway, 313 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,960 Ibrahim says that girls really like boys who can make their knuckles crack. 314 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:28,000 - Yeah, that is a well-known aphrodisiac, the sound of grinding bones(!) - Argh! 315 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,760 - Why are you getting angry? - I'm angry because I've just started a new job 316 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:34,080 and they're not going to take me very seriously 317 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,680 if I can't even print out a simple registration document. 318 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,400 Maybe you THINK that's why you're getting angry. 319 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,640 - Eh? - Freud reckons that when you get angry with something, 320 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,920 you're really getting angry with something else, something subconscious. 321 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,240 So, you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or... 322 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,520 - Why can't you be the printer? - I just chose you for an example. 323 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,560 Why can't you choose yourself as an example? 324 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,680 Cos you don't choose yourself as an example. 325 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,120 This switch was off at the wall. Who the hell did that? 326 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,160 Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry. 327 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,640 You're definitely the printer now. 328 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,880 You watched me struggle with that! 329 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,000 I was turning it off and on again to try and make it work. 330 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,280 I could kill you. 331 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,080 But is this really about me? 332 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,560 Yes. Yes, yes, this is definitely about you. 333 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:21,480 Well, Freud said that women were always more angry because they didn't have a penis. 334 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,600 You're joking, aren't you? 335 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,680 - You could be statistically more angry... - PHONE RINGS 336 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,320 That's absolute bollocks. 337 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,520 I'm angry because you turned the printer off at the wall. 338 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:31,800 - A lot of this aggression might stem... - Hello? 339 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:32,840 - ..from your childhood. - Oh, hi, Dad. 340 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,800 What aggression? I'm not aggressive. 341 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,040 What's all that noise? 342 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,000 - That's just Mum threatening to kill Ben. - Oh, right. 343 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,200 - How's Karen getting on? - Well, she won a heat. 344 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,600 Although she was nearly disqualified at the start. 345 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,600 - What, for a false start? - No, for sledging. 346 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,720 Yeah, I couldn't quite hear what she was saying 347 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:50,880 but the gesture didn't look very nice. 348 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,360 Well, you'll have to have a word with her. 349 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360 - Yes, yes. - She's your responsibility. 350 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,480 OK, spare me the lecture. Can you put your mum on? 351 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,920 - It has nothing to do... - I'm not saying you... 352 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,600 - ..with breast-feeding. - Mum, it's Dad. 353 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,680 Ooh! Thanks. 354 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:05,960 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Hiya. 355 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,320 Did you print out those novel pages yet? 356 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,840 'No, not quite yet.' The printer's been off at the wall and the computer's got... 357 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,960 Oh, it's back. 358 00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:19,120 OK. How's Karen getting on? Is she interacting with the other kids? 359 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:27,400 Yes. She won a heat but there are some very fast girls in this final. 360 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,440 God knows what she'll do if she doesn't win. 361 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,400 Probably go on a gun spree. 362 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:35,440 OK, now, I'm in a file called Pete's Novels. 363 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:40,240 Er...I don't want to print out the wrong thing. So, is it called Amber Reflections? 364 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,440 - No, that's the one about the psychic dwarf in the court of the Medicis. - Pluto's Feast? 365 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,120 That's the Etruscan general who befriends a blind wolf. 366 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,600 It's called Bushido. 367 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,480 - I think. Or did I change that? - Oh, yes, got it. 368 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,440 Bushido. Right. 369 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,080 Good luck with Karen! 370 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,360 OK. 371 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,960 Mission Control... 372 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,680 PRINTER WHIRRS ..we have liftoff! Yes! 373 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:09,320 At last! 374 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,640 The humans have won. 375 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,920 Excuse me, sir. Sir? Do you mind not filming? 376 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,120 You're not serious? I'm just filming my daughter. 377 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,000 Yes, but there are other children in the race, 378 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,320 and without consulting their parents, it's... 379 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,720 Oh, come on. No parent is going to object. 380 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,000 Well, um...that one did. 381 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,280 - Oh, for God's sake! I'm just... - It's the law of the land, mate. 382 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,040 No, it's not, Rumpole. 383 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,440 It has no basis in law. 384 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,800 There is nothing to stop me filming my daughter at a swimming gala. 385 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:55,200 I'm getting better. Almost got next door's cat. 386 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,840 He can make himself really big. Imagine if we could do that. 387 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,120 - You already have. You're gigantic. - I know. 388 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,000 - MIMICS ROBOT: Puny human! - Oh! 389 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,440 Can you please stop doing this? OK, put me down. 390 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,320 - Thank you. Does this still fit you? - Mm. 391 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,200 - Fit me a month ago. - I'll take that as a no. 392 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,880 - Give it to Jake as a hand-me-down. - Huh! LOL(!) 393 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:19,080 OK, Jake, once you've finished that, I'll take you out for that driving lesson. 394 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,200 - I still think I need a proper driving instructor. - No, don't be daft. It all costs money. 395 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,440 Be fine. You'll see. You'll have your licence by summer. 396 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,960 Well, I don't want to take my test too early. 397 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,200 - Why? - I don't want to be the first one in my lot driving, do I? 398 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,760 I'll end up ferrying everyone about everywhere. 399 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,080 It's no fun being a glorified taxi driver. 400 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,160 No. No, it's not. 401 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,880 Anyway, we'd better get out soon before the traffic starts to build up. 402 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,000 - Well... - Oh, come on, it'll be fine. 403 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000 My dad taught me how to drive, and then my uncle. 404 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,240 Why did your dad stop teaching you? 405 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,440 No, that's what I've just said. There is no basis in law... 406 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,920 We don't know who you are or whether you've even got a daughter. 407 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,840 That is my daughter in lane 3 there. 408 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:07,200 Well, if you have got a daughter in lane 3 there, why don't you film her at home? 409 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,160 We don't have a lane 3 at home. 410 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,040 - I think there are laws against this. - There are no laws against this. 411 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,800 - I'm very uncomfortable and I think... - I'm perfectly entitled... 412 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,560 - Some of the other parents round here... - ..to film my daughter... 413 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:19,560 - Could the supervisor come to pool side, please? - There's no rule against it. 414 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:24,760 So, basically, you're saying what happened in your driving lesson was Grandad's fault? 415 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,400 Yeah, I had to brake. I had no choice. 416 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,480 If he'd been wearing his seat belt and he'd had his dentures in properly, 417 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,680 he would have been fine. 418 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,960 It was just, you know, an unfortunate accident. 419 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,640 No such thing as accidents. That's what psychologists reckon. 420 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,200 - Is that right(?) - Yeah. 421 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,480 What they mean is, it's like, remember when I was little 422 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,240 and I had that accident in Hastings? 423 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,000 - What, when you fell off the pier? - Yeah. 424 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,160 - That must have happened for a reason. - Yeah. 425 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,440 And the reason was, you were doing cartwheels on the handrail. 426 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,440 Maybe, deep down, I wanted to fall into the ocean. 427 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,360 Maybe it was all about some, you know, emotion I was suppressing. 428 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,320 When have you ever suppressed an emotion? 429 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,600 - It's common knowledge that... - All I'm doing on this camera phone... 430 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:10,840 - ..that paedophiles hang out... - I resent the suggestion that I am in some way a paedophile. 431 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,400 - Well, you must be a paedophile. - I am not a paedophile! 432 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,040 Gentlemen! Perhaps we could move this, er...discussion into my office. 433 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,000 Listen, mate, you don't have to look like a paedophile to be a paedophile. 434 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,040 - Um...sorry... - I've been CRB-checked. 435 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,120 Did Jimmy Savile look like a paedophile? 436 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,440 - Well, yes. Yes, he did, actually. - Um...gentlemen... 437 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,480 - Yeah, but... - He looked about as pervy 438 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,000 - as it is possible for a human being to look. - Gentlemen, please. 439 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,640 Yeah, but nobody knew he was a paedophile. 440 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,160 Yes, they did, loads of people. Hundreds of 'em! 441 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,480 Look, can everybody stop mentioning Jimmy Savile? 442 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,640 I get this every bloody day. 443 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,880 I think you'll find it's a well-known fact that people have to be vigilant! 444 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,800 Look, never mind what they said in your Daily Mail. 445 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,760 - Excuse me, gentlemen. Could we just... - It's not... 446 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,960 - Sorry. Um...can we please... - I'm a teacher. 447 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,920 - Ha-ha! They're the worst, ain't they? - Right, gentlemen. 448 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,240 - Next to priests. - If we could exercise some self-control. 449 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,120 - Nobody even knows who this bloke is. - Hi. 450 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,640 - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - My name is Peter Brockman, 451 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,480 and I am not, I repeat, not, a paedophile! 452 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,440 Although I am a gay Gypsy asylum seeker. 453 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,280 Is he taking the piss? 454 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,240 My office now, or I call the police. 455 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,520 Tell you something, mate... 456 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,400 All I'm trying to do is film my daughter swimming. 457 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,080 That's all I'm doing. It's perfectly fine. 458 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,040 I'm doing what everybody here is thinking, I'm actually doing. 459 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,480 Is that your dad? 460 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,760 It's my daughter's lane. 461 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,560 - No. - I'm watching her swimming. 462 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,680 - Right, come on. Let's go to the office. - Thank you. 463 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,400 - Let's sort this out in the office. - Let's go. 464 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,360 PRINTER WHIRS 465 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,200 Okey-dokey! 466 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,280 PRINTER STOPS 467 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,880 What the... 468 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,960 It's printed it all out in symbols. What the hell has it done that for? 469 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,640 It's like...it's like sodding Japanese! 470 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:46,720 It's just full of...asterisks and exclamation marks. 471 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,200 You should have kept an eye on it as it was going through. 472 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,360 Does your advice centre never close? 473 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,360 I'm going to have to start again now. 474 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,360 Your dad's stupid novel has used up all the paper. It... 475 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,680 Hang on. There's no... there's no paper left! 476 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:05,080 There was a whole box of paper here this...yesterday! 477 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,920 Where the hell has it gone? 478 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,280 Ah, yeah. I might be able to help you with this. 479 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:14,760 I did print out some stuff on Spartacus and psychologists and knuckle-cracking. 480 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:19,160 So, you're telling me that you've used up a whole box of paper, 481 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,680 printing out material about... 482 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,160 There was more on knuckle-cracking than I expected. 483 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,280 Oh, God. 484 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,880 I need to print out this registration form. The course is tomorrow, 485 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,120 Why is this happening to me? 486 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,560 Maybe, deep down, you want it to happen to you. 487 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,960 I'd run if I were you. 488 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,840 SIREN BLARES So. 489 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,280 Karen recorded her personal best. 490 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,360 - Yeah. - Brilliant. 491 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,560 - Is she pleased? - Not really. She came third. 492 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,920 - Third? - Third. 493 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,400 Oh, God. 494 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,760 - Do you want a drink? - I've already got one, thanks. 495 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,840 - Have you taken Jake out for his drive? - Yeah. 496 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,160 And how... 497 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:05,000 We'll pay for an instructor, with dual controls. 498 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,160 - How long were you out there with him? - It seemed like days. 499 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,560 Especially when we got on to the dual carriageway. 500 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,040 You took him on a dual carriageway? 501 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:16,600 Not intentionally. He...he just suddenly turned left for no earthly reason. 502 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,080 - I told you he'll never pass his test. - Oh, I don't know. 503 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:23,120 His emergency stops are quite good. 504 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:27,120 - Oh, did you get to print my novel off? - Yeah, it's on the side. 505 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,080 - Hiya. - Hi. 506 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,480 - How was rehearsal? - Yeah, it was good. 507 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,680 Mr Farthinglow really liked my psychological interpretation of Spartacus. 508 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,920 You know, how he's only rebelling against Rome 509 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:39,400 cos he really wants Rome's approval. 510 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,120 Right. 511 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,440 I can't give this to Phil's wife to read. Look at it. 512 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,320 - She'll go blind. - Well, I'm sorry. 513 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,040 But that was the only paper left, OK? 514 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,280 This hasn't even got to the bit where the samurai teams up with Gandhi. 515 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,520 - Where's the rest of it? - The printer broke. 516 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,320 - Broke? - Yeah, it was an accident. 517 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:03,360 - There are no accidents. - It had it coming. 518 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:06,760 Does no-one in this family have any self-control? 519 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,840 - So, Karen came third? - I'm afraid so. 520 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:15,840 Look, I think all we can do is...is keep positive and give her as much emotional... 521 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,200 Oh, hello, sweetheart. Hey. 522 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,560 Well done on today. Personal best. 523 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,520 - That's brilliant! - Yeah, brilliant. 524 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,240 It..it's quite an achievement to...to... 525 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,640 - Oh, Ben! - Ben! 526 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,560 - What are you doing? Honestly! - Sorry. 527 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:31,720 I was just trying to lighten things up. 528 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:36,360 Yeah, but people aren't always in the mood to be ensnared in a net. 529 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:37,800 Sweetheart, sit down. 530 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,440 Yeah. No. 531 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,840 PB, that's, er...something to be proud of. 532 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,840 - Did they give you a medal? - She left it behind. 533 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,600 In a bin. 534 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,880 Well, I suppose even champions lose sometimes, 535 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:55,080 but the mark of a true champion is whether you can accept defeat gracefully. 536 00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,440 - Did you accept the defeat gracefully? - Yes. 537 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,000 Apart from demanding a drugs test. 538 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,440 That girl had shoulders like a gorilla. 539 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,880 - And dropping out of the relay team. - Oh, Karen! 540 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,640 - Honestly! - And you let her get away with that? 541 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,240 I can't physically force someone to swim, can I? 542 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,840 BEN: Well, I saw Bradley Wiggins doing an interview 543 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,240 and he says that you actually learn more from defeat. 544 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,080 Well, that's very true. You work out why you didn't win... 545 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,880 - I know why I didn't win. - Good! 546 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:23,400 It's because of this family. 547 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,600 - Eh? - You all wrecked my confidence. 548 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,200 Well, I...I think that's... 549 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,920 Him with his visualising, and you with your long talks that I can never follow, 550 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:36,080 and Dad was banging on about self-control 551 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:41,280 and then telling everyone that he's a Gypsy gay asylum seeker. 552 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,160 That was irony. 553 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,600 Not everyone got it. 554 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,400 It's no wonder that I lost. 555 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,200 Maybe you wanted to lose. 556 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,360 I lost because I come from a family of losers. 557 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,120 Well, thanks for that. I'm going to go and watch Pointless. 558 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,480 This is exactly what I mean. 559 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,640 She needs someone to lay down some boundaries, spell out some realities. 560 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,440 - Be our guest. - Well, someone has to. 561 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,600 Well, then you're clearly the man for the job, being such a parenting expert. 562 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,600 All right, then. I will! 563 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,240 Listen, Karen. You need to have a long, hard look at yourself, 564 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:20,960 because this life doesn't owe you a living, you know? 565 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,680 And it's not a one-way street, 566 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,000 er...because it goes two ways, not one, 567 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:32,200 and it doesn't revolve around you like you're some kind of roundabout. 568 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,600 Like he understands about roundabouts! 569 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:38,160 Huh! Ah, African countries beginning with a B. 570 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,800 - Look, you're not actually... - Er...Botswana. Burundi. 571 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,440 - You need to... - Burkina Faso? 572 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,720 No-one'll get Burkina Faso. 573 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,000 How long should we leave him in there with her? 574 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,320 Till his spirit breaks. 575 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,240 Belgian Congo. 576 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,120 Actually, does it still exist? 577 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,160 What I'm really saying is, 578 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,400 you have to be prepared to... 579 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,920 meet people halfway, 580 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:04,920 and not make the world come to you all the way. 581 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,920 This is drivel. 582 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,480 Now, that is exactly what I mean, Karen. That is... 583 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,640 Aah! Stop it! Mum! Dad!