1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,560 - JAKE: - Can you tell Ben not to go in my room? 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:04,680 SUE: Ben, don't go in his room! 3 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,920 - BEN: - Can you tell Jake not to steal my clothes? 4 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,440 Jake, don't steal his clothes. 5 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:11,920 Look, found it! Our old music festival tent. 6 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,040 This has seen some service. 7 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,280 - No... No, no! - CLANKING 8 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,320 Oh! 9 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,640 Why would I take his clothes? He dresses like a 12-year-old bag lady. 10 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,800 Are you sure you want to do this camping trip? 11 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,600 I wouldn't worry about that list if I were you. 12 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,000 - It's got nothing to do with the list. - What list? 13 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,240 Someone e-mailed your dad an article about 50 things to do with your children 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,840 - before they become teenagers. - So I'm safe then? 15 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,200 Oh, Ben, could you get the water and the glasses, please? 16 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,280 I'm trying to pack, but Jake's taken my pants. 17 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,720 Ohh, pant wars, eh? 18 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,000 Look, you guys should all have your own personal colours. 19 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,520 That's what my sisters and I used to do with our panties. 20 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,920 Yeah, we used to have all these G-strings out on the line. 21 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,680 I was red, and, er... 22 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,160 Look, even though I've left home... 23 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,120 Red. Juicy Couture, but still red. 24 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,080 Stacey, can I just borrow you for a minute? 25 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,120 Yeah. 26 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,240 Jake? 27 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,560 I would never take his pants. I'd probably get leprosy or...wet rot. 28 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,040 Are you sure you don't want to change your mind and join me and Ben on our...? 29 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,120 No, thanks. 30 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,560 You could play your guitar round a campfire under the stars. 31 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:18,280 Yeah, I could, or I could play my guitar in my bedroom in the warm 32 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,040 and I wouldn't have to listen to Ben running round banging on about Bear Grylls 33 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,040 and trying to...drink a frog. 34 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,240 You can only do that with certain South American frogs. 35 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,720 Ben's at a particular age, 36 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:34,040 so, if a very attractive woman displays her undergarments... 37 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,080 Oh, I got you! 38 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,560 Oh, bless him, little fella, 39 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,720 he's got the jackeroos, as my dad used to say. 40 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,560 Yes, he has...whatever that means. 41 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,440 Jake, can you get the cutlery, please? 42 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,680 Ah! 43 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,520 It's Ben's dummy, 44 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:55,640 car keys... 45 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,160 ..to the old car. 46 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,720 We haven't really done much of the stuff on this list, have we? 47 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:06,080 Those lists are published solely to make parents feel bad. 48 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,840 Mrs Bun, the baker's wife! 49 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,920 I spent a whole game waiting for her once! 50 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,360 Oh, wait, there is one we've done here - "bringing up a butterfly". 51 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,240 Do you remember when Ben...? He swallowed the... 52 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,560 It means bringing up from a cocoon, not eating it and bringing it up. 53 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,720 Yeah, yeah, of course. 54 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,360 Ah, Dad, frost forecast for tomorrow. 55 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,640 Are you sure you want to spend your birthday camping? 56 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,360 Ben wants to see the meteor shower. 57 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,720 He's growing up so fast. 58 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:32,160 There's only a short window of time where he'll still want to do things with me 59 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,920 and soon he'll be too big to fit in this tent. 60 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:39,960 He's at that really funny in-between age, isn't he? 61 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:44,840 One moment he's this big, great man-thing and the next moment 62 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,200 he's a little kid again and comes and sits on my lap. 63 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,760 Did you manage to get that appointment with the chiropractor? 64 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,800 Yeah, Tuesday. Double session. 65 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,880 Oh, sod it! 66 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,200 I'll take it like this. 67 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,680 Mm! Stay sat down, please, and eat that potato up. 68 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,840 Oh, no offence, but with the swimwear modelling, 69 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,960 I've got to watch the kilos even more than before. 70 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,080 Oh, no, not you, Stacey. No, I just... I just meant Karen. 71 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,960 The cheesy potato's amazing, but it's all carbohydrates and fat. 72 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:24,200 That's fine, Stacey. I just... I just want Karen to eat... 73 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,600 Well, the cheesy potato's all carbohydrates and fat. 74 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,800 Stacey knows this stuff. 75 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,920 But you're not going to be modelling bikinis, are you, Karen? 76 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,640 - There's PE. - Hm? 77 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:37,440 Girls are judgmental. They call Shiniqua "The Muffin". 78 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:42,160 Well, Shiniqua is a little... 79 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:43,960 patisserie-shaped 80 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,560 and, of course, that's lovely in its own way. 81 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,160 It's lovely if you don't care what you look like. 82 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,160 Hey, Karen, look. 83 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,040 Argh! 84 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,360 - PETE: No forks in eyes, Ben. - Stop trying to frighten me. 85 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,760 You can frighten me if you like. 86 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,280 - I quite like being frightened. - No-one likes being frightened. 87 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,280 So why is there an hour-and-a-half queue 88 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,280 for the Stealth at Thorpe Park, which only lasts, like, eight seconds? 89 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,360 Cos stupid people just join queues. 90 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,480 No! It... It's fear. It stops you from being boring. 91 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,480 You can never be bored if you're frightened. 92 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,720 Well, you wouldn't like it if you were actually scared, 93 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:20,880 like if you woke up, in bed, and there was a giant lizard about to murder you. 94 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,640 You get that dream too? It's one of my favourites. 95 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,920 Positive you don't want to come? 96 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,920 Away from the city lights, we'll be able to see this meteor shower... 97 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,560 No, tomorrow night's the deadline for my UCAS form. 98 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,200 Oh, yeah, I'm off to Mikey's, by the way. I won't be long. 99 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,320 He said he'd finished that form weeks ago. 100 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,560 JAKE: Everything's under control! 101 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,440 Still, it'll be nice, just you and Ben, won't it? 102 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,200 It will, yeah. 103 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,760 - Do you want a hand with the dishes? - Oh, no, you're fine, thanks. 104 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:49,280 WHISPERS: I wish she'd stop going on about diet things when Karen's there. 105 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,400 I mean, she doesn't need to diet, look at her! 106 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,360 OK, stop looking at her. 107 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,440 Well, it's difficult. Kids get very mixed messages about eating. 108 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,880 I know. It's like, "It's OK to be fat, but you mustn't be." 109 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:06,440 I know this is silly, but I do sometimes worry about Karen and her food. 110 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:11,440 I mean, she displays all the signs of someone with...food issues. 111 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,320 You've been on Mumsnet again, haven't you? 112 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,440 But she does. 113 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,720 Listen, think of all the websites we had to check out for Jake 114 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,160 and he's turned out all right, hasn't he? 115 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,320 Yeah. 116 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,600 I wish I'd been like him at his age. He's ridiculously chilled out. 117 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,800 - "Chilled." - Eh? 118 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,800 He told me I couldn't say "chilled out", I have to say "chilled". 119 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,520 In fact, he's really uptight about saying "chilled". 120 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,760 LOUD CLATTER 121 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,360 What are you doing with all those? 122 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,600 Because we're going into the wilderness. 123 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,840 Bear Grylls, he makes his own handles out of ash, 124 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:47,400 but I didn't think we'd have enough time to fell the ash trees, so... Yeah. 125 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,000 We're going to the woods to camp, not to dispose of a body. 126 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,880 If you want one, there's always Stacey. 127 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,200 - BEN: - Ow, I've got a fork stuck in my head! 128 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,040 Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ben. 129 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,680 Oh, he has got a fork in his head. 130 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,480 BEN: Dad, we need to get going. 131 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,360 It is 6.45... 132 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,680 on a Saturday morning. 133 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,480 I've made you a full English breakfast. 134 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:10,720 Thanks. 135 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,240 It doesn't normally involve pizza... 136 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,560 or chips. 137 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,120 - What are those? - Onion bhajis. 138 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,480 Happy Birthday. 139 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,800 Thanks. 140 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,680 Well, I suppose we'd better think about what food we need to take on our trip. 141 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,840 - Sorted. We're all set. - So, what...? 142 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,560 DOOR OPENS 143 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,880 Have you only just got in? 144 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,880 Um, someone's broken into our car. They've smashed the window. 145 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,040 Oh, not again! Why? 146 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,400 Bloody hell. 147 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,240 The last lot took the stereo. 148 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,360 What this country needs is more intelligent crackheads. 149 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,640 What time do you call this? 150 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,560 Oh, well, I texted Mum to say I'd be staying late at Mikey's. 151 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,040 Right, but this is so past late, it's early. 152 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,480 Dad, you've got to check the car. That's your priority. 153 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,240 - I think I'll decide what my priority... - But we'll still be able to go, won't we? 154 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,800 - Well... - Dad! 155 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,640 BEN: Has the seat dried out yet? 156 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,040 Um, not really. 157 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,720 - Rabbit! - What? 158 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,840 Roadkill. Aren't you playing? 159 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,320 All I need is badger and pheasant and I've got the set. 160 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,640 So, Spartacus The Musical, 161 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,800 how's it going? You've gone a bit quiet about it. 162 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,600 Yeah, I'm a bit worried about a scene Spartacus has with Lavinia. 163 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,520 Yeah? 164 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:23,800 I've got to kiss her. 165 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,240 Right. And who's playing Lavinia? 166 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,360 Tulsa. 167 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,960 She's really short. 168 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,600 Like, half-a-dwarf short. 169 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,520 What, you're worried that everyone will laugh? 170 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,400 No. Will they? 171 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,160 - No. - Then... 172 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:37,360 why did you say they would? 173 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,560 I didn't. I was just worried that's what you were worried about. 174 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,360 They gave her the part to boost her confidence, 175 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:44,760 you know, because of the lisp. 176 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,440 In Spartacus? 177 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,560 - They're all going to laugh, aren't they? - No, no, I am sure I will be... 178 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,080 Ah, look, badger! 179 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,440 That wasn't a badger. That was a tyre. 180 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,320 No, that was definitely a big badger 181 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,120 or a very small nun. 182 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,600 So they won't laugh? 183 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,000 - Or a large penguin. - Will they laugh? 184 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,880 - God, no. - Can you just rehearse my lines with me? 185 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,720 So there's this really cool new diet you should try. 186 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,960 It's called the MJH diet, 187 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,720 which stands for Muslim, Jewish, Hindu. 188 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,440 Basically, you cut out all the foodstuffs that those religions ban 189 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,640 because those old guys back in the day, they understood about toxins 190 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:20,240 and you get, like, triple karma from doing all three. 191 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,280 Oh, Stacey, could I just borrow you for a moment? 192 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:23,280 Yeah. Sure thing. 193 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,200 RAPPING: I'm not a slave, I'm not an animal. 194 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,960 You say I behave just like a cannibal. 195 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,080 But my soul is brave and your actions are damnable. 196 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,120 It's justice we crave and our spirit's unjammable. 197 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,600 So, listen up, don't make a fuss, 198 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,520 but know his name, 199 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,880 it's Spartacus! 200 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,040 HE IMITATES A RECORD SCRATCHING 201 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,560 Um, Stacey, 202 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,720 I would prefer it 203 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,960 if you didn't visit thinness and diet issues with Karen. 204 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,360 Oh, I... I didn't realise she was... 205 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,600 She's not...yet. 206 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,960 I just don't want her obsessing about being thin. 207 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,200 Dead on. 208 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,920 Of course, you don't want her ending up a little fatty either. 209 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,000 Well, I...think we'll just let her find her own shape. 210 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,520 She hasn't mentioned anything to you about food or...? 211 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:21,000 Oh, well, she did say something about school meals being bad for your figure. 212 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,760 Oh, no, hang on, or was that me? 213 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:26,680 RAPPING: No, I'm not a liar. 214 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,280 We'll beat you like Hannibal. 215 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,560 Your legions are tired and your warships are rammable. 216 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,920 - It was a dead fox! - No way. That was a pheasant. 217 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,200 RAPPING: We're not for hire and we're just not bannable. 218 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,360 Our hearts are on fire and your houses are flammable. 219 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,400 This holy flame is part of us, 220 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,960 but know his name... 221 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,000 BOTH: It's Spartacus! 222 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,560 So, did Mr Farthingwell write all the lyrics? 223 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,520 Yeah, he has a rhyming dictionary. 224 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,440 Hm, I think you can tell that. 225 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,600 What's this? 226 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,960 Oh. Yeah, I was, um... 227 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,520 I was browsing around on the internet 228 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,360 and I stumbled across these great travel offers. 229 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,080 Oh, Rome! Oh, I want to go there! 230 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,560 Yeah. Oh, now I vaguely remember you mentioning that. 231 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,640 Oh, Rome is amazing this time of year. 232 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,360 Oh, have you been? 233 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,560 Um...not myself, personally, 234 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:20,800 but people I know have, and they say this is the time to go. 235 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,000 Right now. 236 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,920 Karen, what is in that sandwich? 237 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,960 The only thing I don't like about Rome is...is how they're cruel to animals. 238 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,400 Marmite, first course, 239 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,640 cheese, main course, 240 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:32,800 and Nutella for pudding. 241 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,560 It kind of makes me tearful how they kill them in that coliseum. 242 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,720 Oh, well, I think they've stopped that now... 243 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,920 ..the gladiators and the lions. 244 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,400 Even the Christians. 245 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,800 There's those guys with capes who stab bulls. 246 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,600 Oh, bullfighting. No, that's Spain. 247 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,360 Cos Rome's in Italy 248 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,520 and the Italians are famously kind to their animals. 249 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,560 Oh. 250 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,000 Spain's also very nice. 251 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,320 RAIN PATTERS 252 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,120 All I'm saying is, strictly speaking, 253 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,880 Spartacus should sing in Latin. 254 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,240 Have you said this to Mr Farthingwell? 255 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,040 "It's an effing musical, Spartacus," he said. 256 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,400 He calls me Spartacus all the time now and I call him Lloyd Webber. 257 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,120 I wish all teachers were like him. 258 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,840 Yeah, well, there used to be quite a lot of teachers like him... 259 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,080 but then Michael Gove had them all killed. 260 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,400 SUE: Oh! What brings you downstairs? 261 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,440 Breakfast. 262 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,560 Or, as we call it, lunch. 263 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,400 You know you need to try and relax, Mum? I am quite low-maintenance. 264 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,440 I could have been a...gangster, 265 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:35,800 or...heroin addict, 266 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,280 or a priest. 267 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,800 So you weren't going to tell us about being out all night? 268 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,000 Only so you wouldn't worry. I protect you from yourselves. 269 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,280 What are you doing? 270 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:49,680 Oh...ee...I'm...nothing, really. I'm just googling about. 271 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,800 Oh, so you're spying on what Karen's eating at school? 272 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:56,200 I'm not spying. I am carefully monitoring, like any responsible... 273 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,480 - Spy. - I... Jake! 274 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,240 PHONE RINGS 275 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,800 Hi there. How's things? 276 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,040 Fine, yeah. Are you having a nice time with Ben? 277 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:08,200 Yeah, he's just off trying out his new Bear Grylls flexible saw. 278 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,880 He's a bit worried about the musical, though. 279 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,720 He's got to kiss a very short girl with a lisp. 280 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:12,760 Everyone will laugh. 281 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,040 Yeah, I know, but... 282 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,360 CRACKING 283 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,680 CREAKING LOUD CRASH 284 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,040 What was that?! 285 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:24,720 It sounded a bit like a very large tree falling over. 286 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,320 Ben! 287 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,720 Er, Pete, 288 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,720 I've been looking at what Karen's been eating at school. 289 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,680 - What? - Since they've got these lunch cards, 290 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:36,880 everything they buy shows up on the computer 291 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,520 and I'm worried because... PHONE SIGNAL BREAKS UP 292 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,680 ...16... PHONE BEEPS AND GOES DEAD 293 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,520 Ben, did that noise have anything to do with you? 294 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,800 Dad, we should go. 295 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,200 We should go. 296 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,320 Right. 297 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:54,960 ENGINE STARTS 298 00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:00,120 Karen, is your mum OK with me staying here? 299 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,760 Grazia Magazine says that older women sometimes feel threatened 300 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,720 - by having someone young and hot around. - Oh. 301 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,200 Ben really likes it, though. 302 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,320 Ahh, yeah. He's got a bit of a puppy crush on me. 303 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,960 He's got a photo of you on his wall underneath his Theo Walcott poster. 304 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,280 Ohh, cute! 305 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,120 And he's rigged up a series of mirrors 306 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,240 to try and create a life-sized image of you standing next to his bed. 307 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,920 LAUGHING: Ohh! 308 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,040 - Actually, that's quite creepy. - Yeah. 309 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,600 - Boys, eh? - Is there anything else on? 310 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,640 The Great British Bake Off. This show is pathetic. 311 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,120 Excuse me, I love this show. 312 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,800 It's just watching people bake cakes. 313 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,920 - They do pies as well. - A pie is a type of cake. 314 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,720 Why would you have a show all about cakes? 315 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,840 That's so... They're so bad for you. 316 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,160 It's so boring... 317 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,680 - It's so exciting, there's like drama... - Cakes. 318 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,640 - There's like... - JAKE: - There is drama, actually. 319 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,720 One time someone stole someone else's custard and it was crazy. 320 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,360 Really? And then did everyone run around and decide to make another cake? 321 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,640 That's all going to go straight on her thighs. 322 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,240 And there's judges as well. 323 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,560 OK, see the guy there with, like, the orange face and the blue eyes. 324 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,240 They're complementary colours. 325 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:05,760 Well, I've had enough of this. Let's see what else is on. 326 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,720 CHANNEL CHANGES LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION 327 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,280 Come Dine With Me. 328 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,720 Come Dine With Me, Come Dine With Me... 329 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:11,880 CHANNEL CHANGES REPEATEDLY 330 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:16,240 Dad, is this how you remember it, from when you were a kid? 331 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,720 Yes...apart from the fly-tipping. 332 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,240 Jesus! 333 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,480 It's like a woodland IKEA! 334 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,440 Top Gear, Top Gear, 335 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:30,360 QI, QI, QI, QI... 336 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,320 Ah, The Man With 10-Stone Testicles. 337 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:38,440 What? He's a man with ten testicles made of stone?! 338 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,240 What? 339 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,280 Er... No, Stacey, um, I think, basically, 340 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,240 he's got testicles that weigh ten stone. 341 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,520 A stone is a weight, you know? 342 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,080 Why would anybody even have ten testicles? 343 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,760 - Look, look, two. Two fleshy testicles. - Oh, Jake, change the channel. 344 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,560 How does he walk? He probably rolls. 345 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,080 My uncle brought me and a couple of my mates down here, 346 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,000 oh, 36 years ago... 347 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,160 BIRDS CHATTER 348 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,880 ..before these woods were full of parakeets. 349 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,720 We went swimming in that stream down there. 350 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,240 Cool. I'll go get some water. 351 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,560 We carved our names on a tree round here somewhere. 352 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,040 Back before trees were important. 353 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,320 What's that? 354 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,480 It's a condom. According to The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival 355 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,320 these things are the best things for carrying water. 356 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:27,920 Where did you get them? 357 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,840 Jake's room. They're really light and they can 358 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,480 - carry around two litres of water. - Where in Jake's room? 359 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,520 Bedside table. 360 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:34,560 Right. 361 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,640 And his sock drawer and his coat pocket. 362 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:40,360 I haven't got him into trouble, have I? 363 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,800 Um, no. 364 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:46,480 It looks like no-one's going to be... getting into trouble, so that's good. 365 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,320 Er, we do have bottled water in the car. 366 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,080 I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it. 367 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,120 Bear Grylls strains it through his socks. 368 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:58,320 OK, as long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom-and-sock water. 369 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,640 You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines? 370 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:06,080 I think that's where they get Baileys from. 371 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,600 VOICE ON TV 372 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,000 My sister had her boobs done for her 18th birthday. 373 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,240 - Oh, really? - This is her in Bali. 374 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,520 - Oh, wow, yeah, her boobs look really... - Stacey, could I just, er... 375 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,160 Borrow me? 376 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,200 Sure. 377 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,960 I reckoned, now Ben wasn't here, boob talk would be allowed. 378 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:30,520 Yeah, it's just, um, watching a programme about cosmetic surgery with Karen there. 379 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,360 No, it's about female empowerment. 380 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,840 What? Freaking Hell, I Hate My Tits? 381 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,480 - Yeah. - It's just... 382 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:42,800 I don't want Karen to think it's normal for women to be slit open 383 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,960 and have bits of plastic inserted into their bodies to please men. 384 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,560 Oh. Well, with Kitty, my sis, it was more of a self-esteem issue. 385 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,160 You see, she had one boob much smaller than the other. 386 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,920 My brothers used to call it "The Hobbit". 387 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,360 She did a couple of things that were probably just calls for help, 388 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,360 but we thought it was best just to get it sorted. 389 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,440 - Well, that does sound different. - No, that's fine. 390 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,600 Plastic surgery. I'll add that to the no-no list. 391 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,040 Have you thought any more about Rome? 392 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,840 I'm just worried it's a bit... 393 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,440 old. 394 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,360 Well, it has been there quite a while, but there are... 395 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,320 And I've this mate working as an au pair in...Stoke? 396 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,560 - Stoke. - Yeah, I was thinking about visiting her. 397 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,800 Stoke, party capital of Europe. 398 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,360 Is it? 399 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,560 Dad, it looks a bit cloudy to see meteors. 400 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,000 Yeah, afraid so. 401 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,920 - Get me that bacon, would you? - The bacon was for the traps, Dad. 402 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,160 You've set traps? 403 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:43,040 Yeah. To catch animals. It's in The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival. 404 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,760 What are they, twigs that spring open? 405 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,560 Well, most are toggle and bait release deadfall basket traps. 406 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,160 Uh-huh. 407 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,120 But I did also add some baited spring leg snares. 408 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,280 And where are these...snares? 409 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,440 Well, they're on the paths, 410 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,240 all around the campsite, cos, you know, animals walk on paths. 411 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,320 As do humans, of course, like me. 412 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,000 Well, then, you stay here, 413 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,320 and then I'll just tell you when we've caught something. 414 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,040 Hang on, you have... You have brought food? 415 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,960 No. You can't bring food. It's too heavy. You need to catch it. 416 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,840 And there's deer poo everywhere. 417 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,080 Your traps could catch a deer?! 418 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:24,240 Maybe. I mean, probably not a red deer because they're, like, the size of cows. 419 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,600 So we've got no food at all? 420 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,400 Maybe we should get the bacon out of the traps. If we washed it... 421 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,000 They're really well camouflaged and, to be honest, 422 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,960 I'm not really that sure where I left them. 423 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,320 So, basically, we are stuck in the middle of nowhere, 424 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,400 with no food... 425 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,440 ..and surrounded by well-camouflaged snares. 426 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,360 Correct. 427 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,800 Um... 428 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,920 ..Karen, I know that you've been talking to Stacey a lot 429 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:03,040 and I just want you to know that you really don't have to worry 430 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,320 about being... 431 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,120 a nice size. 432 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,960 - Then why are you saying it? - Because you don't. 433 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,840 There's lots of things I don't have to worry about, 434 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,520 like being carried away by a condor. 435 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,120 - Good, that's... - I don't have to worry about 436 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,840 tripping and falling into the oven headfirst and being cooked. 437 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:20,480 There are lots of things I don't have to worry about. 438 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,080 So, what you're actually saying is, 439 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,480 I do need to worry about being a nice size. 440 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,640 No! God, no, absolutely not! 441 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:28,960 God, no! I...I...I... 442 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:32,240 I couldn't... It...It couldn't matter less. 443 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:38,320 It's just that I have stumbled upon 444 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,320 what you've been eating at school... 445 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,880 This is about the doughnuts, isn't it? 446 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,600 16 in a week seems a lot. 447 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,440 I didn't eat them. 448 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:52,560 LISPING: Thpartacuth, you are no leth a man than great Thaesar himself. 449 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,720 Let Caesar fight me one on one and then we will see who's boss. 450 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,960 Oh, Thpartacuth... 451 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,280 Are you sure you want me to speak the way that Tulsa does it ? 452 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,440 Yes. Definitely. It helps to get used to it. 453 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,920 Oh, Thpartacuth, if you beat Thaesar, I would kith you. 454 00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,280 And what about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now? 455 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,560 Yeth. 456 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,360 Thanks, Dad. 457 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,560 So, are you sure that nobody will laugh? 458 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,040 Absolutely. They'll be... 459 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,320 ..too caught up in the romance. 460 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,880 Oh, look, some raisins from our last trip. 461 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,000 Can we eat those? 462 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,840 I mean, the mould is only... CLICK AND SNAP 463 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,400 What the hell was that? 464 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,400 One of my traps! 465 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,960 Why did you give the doughnuts to the other girls? 466 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,800 You told me to build bridges and make friends. 467 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,240 Oh, you're buying friends with doughnuts? 468 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,400 - Yes. - Oh, God, that's a rel... 469 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,280 No, actually, no, it's not, is it? 470 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,960 I do know you can't buy friends. 471 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:52,560 Well...you can, kind of, but you usually end up with the fat ones. 472 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,440 - Oh, Karen! - Oh, hello. It's Worrywoman. 473 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:57,520 What are you worried about now? 474 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,680 I'm worried that I'm about to punch my son in the face. 475 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,080 PETE: It's a rabbit. You've actually netted a rabbit. 476 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:10,280 - So what do we do now? - Kill it, gut it, cook it, eat it. 477 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:13,760 Well, whack it on the head with your club then. 478 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,760 I'm so hungry, I could eat any mammal. 479 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,760 - Except a human, of course. - Probably not. 480 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,320 Or a panda cos they're endangered. 481 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,040 Or a liver of a polar bear because they're toxic. 482 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,080 They're like huskies' livers. They're toxic as well. 483 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,800 - And some sea lions actually have... - Ben? 484 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,760 - ..toxic livers. - Ben? It's OK. 485 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,280 We don't have to kill it. 486 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,160 So, can we let the bunny go? 487 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,400 Yeah. 488 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,800 Oh, that was easy. 489 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,720 Oh, wow! Look at that! 490 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,880 Me and my mates carved that in 1977! 491 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,480 - BEN: - What? 492 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,320 Nothing. Doesn't matter. 493 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,440 Dad, there's a lot of cars parked up there on that track. 494 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,360 Yeah. Probably nature lovers. 495 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,840 But they're flashing their lights. Do you reckon they're trying to signal? 496 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,680 Yep... 497 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,160 but not to us. 498 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:08,920 Karen? This history essay, you've only done half a page. 499 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,320 It's longer than Tequilla's. 500 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,280 - Tequilla? - I texted her. 501 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,720 Why isn't anyone called Janet or John any more? 502 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,800 There's a LaJanet in 7K. 503 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,840 LaJanet? 504 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,720 I googled Stoke. 505 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,680 - Isn't it lovely? - Well... 506 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,160 I'm going to take a gap year. 507 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,840 - What? Whoa, whoa, hang on! - I've decided, Mum. 508 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:29,880 But you decided you weren't months ago. 509 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,680 What is it you want to do on a gap year? 510 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:32,960 I haven't decided that. 511 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,120 Is this because you haven't finished your university application form, 512 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,560 which you assured me was under control and has to be in by midnight? 513 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:42,360 - Definitely not. - Good. Have you finished it? 514 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,920 - No. - Have you started it? 515 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,920 I don't need to. I'm going on a gap year. 516 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,560 - Gap years are brilliant. As... - Stacey! 517 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:50,880 Can you borrow me? 518 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,040 Just say no more words. 519 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,480 It's probably the last chance we'll have to do stuff like this together. 520 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,440 Well, I thought that, too. 521 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,200 No offence, but you're quite old already, 522 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,440 and soon you'll just reach that age 523 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,800 where you won't want to do stuff with me any more. 524 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,880 Oh, well, I thought it might be the other way round, 525 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,240 now you're a teenager. 526 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:20,120 Yeah, I mean...being a teenager is quite tricky. 527 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,000 I sometimes think I'm a bit weird. 528 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,000 Yeah, well, we all think we're a bit weird because we're the only ones 529 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,400 who know all the stuff that goes on inside our heads. 530 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,440 Weird stuff does go on inside my head. 531 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:31,560 I can imagine. 532 00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,640 Because weird stuff goes on outside your head. 533 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,160 You can always talk about it if you want. 534 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,200 Can I not talk about it if I want? 535 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,040 That's fine too. 536 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,920 - Don't say it, Mum. - Don't say what? 537 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,040 That I'm going on a gap year for all the wrong reasons. 538 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,920 I don't have to now, cos you've said it. 539 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,840 Oh, Mum, look, I might as well put off going to uni for a bit. 540 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,760 Everyone I know who's graduated is either working in KFC 541 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,840 or stuck in a duck costume handing out leaflets. 542 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:57,840 Yeah, but... 543 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,560 And the fiscal cliff is still unresolved and how am I meant to fill in a form 544 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:05,600 when I don't know what courses lead to what careers in three years' time? 545 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,320 And I've still got my student loan to pay off, 546 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,960 then I'm never going get a mortgage 547 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,440 and, oh, that's not even considering the Eurozone crisis. 548 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,680 Jakey, Jakey... 549 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,640 come on! 550 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,320 It's OK. 551 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,560 Look, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we can just chill out. 552 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,480 - Chill! It's "chill", Mum, for Christ's sake. - "Chill"! 553 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:27,440 Right. Glad you're still taking the time to point that out. 554 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,080 Now, 555 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,840 why don't we fill in this form 556 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,240 just in case you change your mind again about a gap year. 557 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,040 Gap years are so... 558 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,880 FOX BARKS 559 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,320 Ben? 560 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:54,560 Ben! 561 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,000 So, what shall we put fifth? 562 00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:00,960 Geography at Keele? Yeah, good. 563 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,000 - Where is Keele? - It's, um... 564 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,560 It's... It's below Newcastle and above 565 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,080 Birming... I don't know, 566 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,680 you're the one doing Geography. 567 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:11,800 Oh, stick it down. 568 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,720 Now you're in a better position to make a decision about gap year. 569 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,200 Sod it. No gap year. 570 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,400 Just get on with life. 571 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:19,440 Sure? 572 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,240 All right then, that is us... 573 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:24,440 done. 574 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,520 So now all you have to do is send this off with your personal statement. 575 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,440 You have done your personal statement, haven't you? 576 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,720 I've done a first draft. 577 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:32,920 Ben? 578 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,200 The clouds have gone. I didn't know whether to wake you. 579 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,440 Oh, yeah. 580 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,120 Are they the meteors? 581 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,640 Well, either that or Southampton's on fire. That is fantastic. 582 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,280 Those people in the cars down there. 583 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,480 They still have their headlights on. 584 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,280 They won't be able to see the meteors. 585 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,160 - No. - Do you reckon I should...tell them? 586 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,280 No, best not, no. 587 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,040 Are they doggers? 588 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,560 Yes, I think they are. 589 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,720 "I led a team on a charity walk through Morocco 590 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,720 "to raise money for homeless people."? 591 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,960 Yeah, OK, fair enough. I did make that one up entirely, but, come on, Mum, 592 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,920 - everyone lies. - Yeah, but they lie better. 593 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,480 Well, actually, most kids, 594 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,520 their parents write their personal statements for them. 595 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:21,960 They...they contribute nothing? 596 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,640 Well, they read them, 597 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,880 although Tommy forgot to do that. 598 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,360 That's how he got caught out in interview, 599 00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,880 when they started asking about his missionary work in Angola. 600 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,440 So did you like being a teenager? 601 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,760 Not really. 602 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,440 I could cope with the misery and the acne, 603 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,320 I just wasn't very good at the rebellion. 604 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,080 So I'm guessing you quite liked it when you turned 20? 605 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:44,960 I wasn't great at that, either. 606 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,360 So what bit did you like? 607 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,120 I quite like now. 608 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:53,560 You like now? Despite having Karen and Jake and me and haemorrhoids? 609 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,280 Yeah, despite that. 610 00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:00,160 You see, I'm not sure about being a teenager, 611 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,600 like, a proper one. 612 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:04,480 To be honest, I quite like now. 613 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,400 Well, liking now, that's a real gift. 614 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,480 That's as good as it gets. With luck, you'll... 615 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,680 MAN SCREAMS 616 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,400 - Shall we get back to the tent? - I think that's best. 617 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,120 Here, Mum, listen - this is really cool. 618 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:21,400 Last night, these slugs crawled into my boots. 619 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,600 Go and take them off. 620 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,240 They're actually quite comfy. 621 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,680 How are you feeling? 622 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:28,800 Fine. 623 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,200 I'm really glad we did it. 624 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,720 BEN: I'll run a bath, cos we're both really smelly. 625 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:36,200 Ben is brilliant at setting traps. 626 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,280 So he caught something, then? 627 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:39,640 A rabbit, a labradoodle, and two doggers. 628 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,560 They should put that on their list of 50 things to do with your kids. 629 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,600 It's something to go on his personal statement...when I write it. 630 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:52,160 11.57 that application went in last night. Three minutes to midnight! 631 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,080 - JAKE: - We got there, didn't we? 632 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,800 I bet she's rolling her eyes. 633 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,480 Relax, Mum, it was fine. 634 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,000 I expect you know... Jake is very chilled. 635 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,040 - "Chill." - Hm? 636 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:04,320 I'm chill, not chilled. 637 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,880 Oh, this is cheating. You told us yesterday it was "chilled". 638 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,600 - Hiya, Dad. - Hi, darling, what's new? 639 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:09,720 Mum got rid of Stacey. 640 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,000 - No, I did not! - She paid for 641 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,520 - her train ticket to Scotland. - She wanted to visit Edinburgh. 642 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,760 Mum told her it was always sunny. 643 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:18,960 Hang on, how much is a return ticket to Edinburgh? 644 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,320 Well, it wasn't a return. 645 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,000 You need to watch Ben, 646 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,680 cos I think he's got 647 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,800 food issues.