- JAKE: - Can you tell Ben not to go in my room?
SUE: Ben, don't go in his room!
- BEN: - Can you tell Jake not to steal my clothes?
Jake, don't steal his clothes.
Look, found it! Our old music festival tent.
This has seen some service.
- No... No, no! - CLANKING
Oh!
Why would I take his clothes? He dresses like a 12-year-old bag lady.
Are you sure you want to do this camping trip?
I wouldn't worry about that list if I were you.
- It's got nothing to do with the list. - What list?
Someone e-mailed your dad an article about 50 things to do with your children
- before they become teenagers. - So I'm safe then?
Oh, Ben, could you get the water and the glasses, please?
I'm trying to pack, but Jake's taken my pants.
Ohh, pant wars, eh?
Look, you guys should all have your own personal colours.
That's what my sisters and I used to do with our panties.
Yeah, we used to have all these G-strings out on the line.
I was red, and, er...
Look, even though I've left home...
Red. Juicy Couture, but still red.
Stacey, can I just borrow you for a minute?
Yeah.
Jake?
I would never take his pants. I'd probably get leprosy or...wet rot.
Are you sure you don't want to change your mind and join me and Ben on our...?
No, thanks.
You could play your guitar round a campfire under the stars.
Yeah, I could, or I could play my guitar in my bedroom in the warm
and I wouldn't have to listen to Ben running round banging on about Bear Grylls
and trying to...drink a frog.
You can only do that with certain South American frogs.
Ben's at a particular age,
so, if a very attractive woman displays her undergarments...
Oh, I got you!
Oh, bless him, little fella,
he's got the jackeroos, as my dad used to say.
Yes, he has...whatever that means.
Jake, can you get the cutlery, please?
Ah!
It's Ben's dummy,
car keys...
..to the old car.
We haven't really done much of the stuff on this list, have we?
Those lists are published solely to make parents feel bad.
Mrs Bun, the baker's wife!
I spent a whole game waiting for her once!
Oh, wait, there is one we've done here - "bringing up a butterfly".
Do you remember when Ben...? He swallowed the...
It means bringing up from a cocoon, not eating it and bringing it up.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Ah, Dad, frost forecast for tomorrow.
Are you sure you want to spend your birthday camping?
Ben wants to see the meteor shower.
He's growing up so fast.
There's only a short window of time where he'll still want to do things with me
and soon he'll be too big to fit in this tent.
He's at that really funny in-between age, isn't he?
One moment he's this big, great man-thing and the next moment
he's a little kid again and comes and sits on my lap.
Did you manage to get that appointment with the chiropractor?
Yeah, Tuesday. Double session.
Oh, sod it!
I'll take it like this.
Mm! Stay sat down, please, and eat that potato up.
Oh, no offence, but with the swimwear modelling,
I've got to watch the kilos even more than before.
Oh, no, not you, Stacey. No, I just... I just meant Karen.
The cheesy potato's amazing, but it's all carbohydrates and fat.
That's fine, Stacey. I just... I just want Karen to eat...
Well, the cheesy potato's all carbohydrates and fat.
Stacey knows this stuff.
But you're not going to be modelling bikinis, are you, Karen?
- There's PE. - Hm?
Girls are judgmental. They call Shiniqua "The Muffin".
Well, Shiniqua is a little...
patisserie-shaped
and, of course, that's lovely in its own way.
It's lovely if you don't care what you look like.
Hey, Karen, look.
Argh!
- PETE: No forks in eyes, Ben. - Stop trying to frighten me.
You can frighten me if you like.
- I quite like being frightened. - No-one likes being frightened.
So why is there an hour-and-a-half queue
for the Stealth at Thorpe Park, which only lasts, like, eight seconds?
Cos stupid people just join queues.
No! It... It's fear. It stops you from being boring.
You can never be bored if you're frightened.
Well, you wouldn't like it if you were actually scared,
like if you woke up, in bed, and there was a giant lizard about to murder you.
You get that dream too? It's one of my favourites.
Positive you don't want to come?
Away from the city lights, we'll be able to see this meteor shower...
No, tomorrow night's the deadline for my UCAS form.
Oh, yeah, I'm off to Mikey's, by the way. I won't be long.
He said he'd finished that form weeks ago.
JAKE: Everything's under control!
Still, it'll be nice, just you and Ben, won't it?
It will, yeah.
- Do you want a hand with the dishes? - Oh, no, you're fine, thanks.
WHISPERS: I wish she'd stop going on about diet things when Karen's there.
I mean, she doesn't need to diet, look at her!
OK, stop looking at her.
Well, it's difficult. Kids get very mixed messages about eating.
I know. It's like, "It's OK to be fat, but you mustn't be."
I know this is silly, but I do sometimes worry about Karen and her food.
I mean, she displays all the signs of someone with...food issues.
You've been on Mumsnet again, haven't you?
But she does.
Listen, think of all the websites we had to check out for Jake
and he's turned out all right, hasn't he?
Yeah.
I wish I'd been like him at his age. He's ridiculously chilled out.
- "Chilled." - Eh?
He told me I couldn't say "chilled out", I have to say "chilled".
In fact, he's really uptight about saying "chilled".
LOUD CLATTER
What are you doing with all those?
Because we're going into the wilderness.
Bear Grylls, he makes his own handles out of ash,
but I didn't think we'd have enough time to fell the ash trees, so... Yeah.
We're going to the woods to camp, not to dispose of a body.
If you want one, there's always Stacey.
- BEN: - Ow, I've got a fork stuck in my head!
Yeah, yeah, very funny, Ben.
Oh, he has got a fork in his head.
BEN: Dad, we need to get going.
It is 6.45...
on a Saturday morning.
I've made you a full English breakfast.
Thanks.
It doesn't normally involve pizza...
or chips.
- What are those? - Onion bhajis.
Happy Birthday.
Thanks.
Well, I suppose we'd better think about what food we need to take on our trip.
- Sorted. We're all set. - So, what...?
DOOR OPENS
Have you only just got in?
Um, someone's broken into our car. They've smashed the window.
Oh, not again! Why?
Bloody hell.
The last lot took the stereo.
What this country needs is more intelligent crackheads.
What time do you call this?
Oh, well, I texted Mum to say I'd be staying late at Mikey's.
Right, but this is so past late, it's early.
Dad, you've got to check the car. That's your priority.
- I think I'll decide what my priority... - But we'll still be able to go, won't we?
- Well... - Dad!
BEN: Has the seat dried out yet?
Um, not really.
- Rabbit! - What?
Roadkill. Aren't you playing?
All I need is badger and pheasant and I've got the set.
So, Spartacus The Musical,
how's it going? You've gone a bit quiet about it.
Yeah, I'm a bit worried about a scene Spartacus has with Lavinia.
Yeah?
I've got to kiss her.
Right. And who's playing Lavinia?
Tulsa.
She's really short.
Like, half-a-dwarf short.
What, you're worried that everyone will laugh?
No. Will they?
- No. - Then...
why did you say they would?
I didn't. I was just worried that's what you were worried about.
They gave her the part to boost her confidence,
you know, because of the lisp.
In Spartacus?
- They're all going to laugh, aren't they? - No, no, I am sure I will be...
Ah, look, badger!
That wasn't a badger. That was a tyre.
No, that was definitely a big badger
or a very small nun.
So they won't laugh?
- Or a large penguin. - Will they laugh?
- God, no. - Can you just rehearse my lines with me?
So there's this really cool new diet you should try.
It's called the MJH diet,
which stands for Muslim, Jewish, Hindu.
Basically, you cut out all the foodstuffs that those religions ban
because those old guys back in the day, they understood about toxins
and you get, like, triple karma from doing all three.
Oh, Stacey, could I just borrow you for a moment?
Yeah. Sure thing.
RAPPING: I'm not a slave, I'm not an animal.
You say I behave just like a cannibal.
But my soul is brave and your actions are damnable.
It's justice we crave and our spirit's unjammable.
So, listen up, don't make a fuss,
but know his name,
it's Spartacus!
HE IMITATES A RECORD SCRATCHING
Um, Stacey,
I would prefer it
if you didn't visit thinness and diet issues with Karen.
Oh, I... I didn't realise she was...
She's not...yet.
I just don't want her obsessing about being thin.
Dead on.
Of course, you don't want her ending up a little fatty either.
Well, I...think we'll just let her find her own shape.
She hasn't mentioned anything to you about food or...?
Oh, well, she did say something about school meals being bad for your figure.
Oh, no, hang on, or was that me?
RAPPING: No, I'm not a liar.
We'll beat you like Hannibal.
Your legions are tired and your warships are rammable.
- It was a dead fox! - No way. That was a pheasant.
RAPPING: We're not for hire and we're just not bannable.
Our hearts are on fire and your houses are flammable.
This holy flame is part of us,
but know his name...
BOTH: It's Spartacus!
So, did Mr Farthingwell write all the lyrics?
Yeah, he has a rhyming dictionary.
Hm, I think you can tell that.
What's this?
Oh. Yeah, I was, um...
I was browsing around on the internet
and I stumbled across these great travel offers.
Oh, Rome! Oh, I want to go there!
Yeah. Oh, now I vaguely remember you mentioning that.
Oh, Rome is amazing this time of year.
Oh, have you been?
Um...not myself, personally,
but people I know have, and they say this is the time to go.
Right now.
Karen, what is in that sandwich?
The only thing I don't like about Rome is...is how they're cruel to animals.
Marmite, first course,
cheese, main course,
and Nutella for pudding.
It kind of makes me tearful how they kill them in that coliseum.
Oh, well, I think they've stopped that now...
..the gladiators and the lions.
Even the Christians.
There's those guys with capes who stab bulls.
Oh, bullfighting. No, that's Spain.
Cos Rome's in Italy
and the Italians are famously kind to their animals.
Oh.
Spain's also very nice.
RAIN PATTERS
All I'm saying is, strictly speaking,
Spartacus should sing in Latin.
Have you said this to Mr Farthingwell?
"It's an effing musical, Spartacus," he said.
He calls me Spartacus all the time now and I call him Lloyd Webber.
I wish all teachers were like him.
Yeah, well, there used to be quite a lot of teachers like him...
but then Michael Gove had them all killed.
SUE: Oh! What brings you downstairs?
Breakfast.
Or, as we call it, lunch.
You know you need to try and relax, Mum? I am quite low-maintenance.
I could have been a...gangster,
or...heroin addict,
or a priest.
So you weren't going to tell us about being out all night?
Only so you wouldn't worry. I protect you from yourselves.
What are you doing?
Oh...ee...I'm...nothing, really. I'm just googling about.
Oh, so you're spying on what Karen's eating at school?
I'm not spying. I am carefully monitoring, like any responsible...
- Spy. - I... Jake!
PHONE RINGS
Hi there. How's things?
Fine, yeah. Are you having a nice time with Ben?
Yeah, he's just off trying out his new Bear Grylls flexible saw.
He's a bit worried about the musical, though.
He's got to kiss a very short girl with a lisp.
Everyone will laugh.
Yeah, I know, but...
CRACKING
CREAKING LOUD CRASH
What was that?!
It sounded a bit like a very large tree falling over.
Ben!
Er, Pete,
I've been looking at what Karen's been eating at school.
- What? - Since they've got these lunch cards,
everything they buy shows up on the computer
and I'm worried because... PHONE SIGNAL BREAKS UP
...16... PHONE BEEPS AND GOES DEAD
Ben, did that noise have anything to do with you?
Dad, we should go.
We should go.
Right.
ENGINE STARTS
Karen, is your mum OK with me staying here?
Grazia Magazine says that older women sometimes feel threatened
- by having someone young and hot around. - Oh.
Ben really likes it, though.
Ahh, yeah. He's got a bit of a puppy crush on me.
He's got a photo of you on his wall underneath his Theo Walcott poster.
Ohh, cute!
And he's rigged up a series of mirrors
to try and create a life-sized image of you standing next to his bed.
LAUGHING: Ohh!
- Actually, that's quite creepy. - Yeah.
- Boys, eh? - Is there anything else on?
The Great British Bake Off. This show is pathetic.
Excuse me, I love this show.
It's just watching people bake cakes.
- They do pies as well. - A pie is a type of cake.
Why would you have a show all about cakes?
That's so... They're so bad for you.
It's so boring...
- It's so exciting, there's like drama... - Cakes.
- There's like... - JAKE: - There is drama, actually.
One time someone stole someone else's custard and it was crazy.
Really? And then did everyone run around and decide to make another cake?
That's all going to go straight on her thighs.
And there's judges as well.
OK, see the guy there with, like, the orange face and the blue eyes.
They're complementary colours.
Well, I've had enough of this. Let's see what else is on.
CHANNEL CHANGES LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION
Come Dine With Me.
Come Dine With Me, Come Dine With Me...
CHANNEL CHANGES REPEATEDLY
Dad, is this how you remember it, from when you were a kid?
Yes...apart from the fly-tipping.
Jesus!
It's like a woodland IKEA!
Top Gear, Top Gear,
QI, QI, QI, QI...
Ah, The Man With 10-Stone Testicles.
What? He's a man with ten testicles made of stone?!
What?
Er... No, Stacey, um, I think, basically,
he's got testicles that weigh ten stone.
A stone is a weight, you know?
Why would anybody even have ten testicles?
- Look, look, two. Two fleshy testicles. - Oh, Jake, change the channel.
How does he walk? He probably rolls.
My uncle brought me and a couple of my mates down here,
oh, 36 years ago...
BIRDS CHATTER
..before these woods were full of parakeets.
We went swimming in that stream down there.
Cool. I'll go get some water.
We carved our names on a tree round here somewhere.
Back before trees were important.
What's that?
It's a condom. According to The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival
these things are the best things for carrying water.
Where did you get them?
Jake's room. They're really light and they can
- carry around two litres of water. - Where in Jake's room?
Bedside table.
Right.
And his sock drawer and his coat pocket.
I haven't got him into trouble, have I?
Um, no.
It looks like no-one's going to be... getting into trouble, so that's good.
Er, we do have bottled water in the car.
I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it.
Bear Grylls strains it through his socks.
OK, as long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom-and-sock water.
You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines?
I think that's where they get Baileys from.
VOICE ON TV
My sister had her boobs done for her 18th birthday.
- Oh, really? - This is her in Bali.
- Oh, wow, yeah, her boobs look really... - Stacey, could I just, er...
Borrow me?
Sure.
I reckoned, now Ben wasn't here, boob talk would be allowed.
Yeah, it's just, um, watching a programme about cosmetic surgery with Karen there.
No, it's about female empowerment.
What? Freaking Hell, I Hate My Tits?
- Yeah. - It's just...
I don't want Karen to think it's normal for women to be slit open
and have bits of plastic inserted into their bodies to please men.
Oh. Well, with Kitty, my sis, it was more of a self-esteem issue.
You see, she had one boob much smaller than the other.
My brothers used to call it "The Hobbit".
She did a couple of things that were probably just calls for help,
but we thought it was best just to get it sorted.
- Well, that does sound different. - No, that's fine.
Plastic surgery. I'll add that to the no-no list.
Have you thought any more about Rome?
I'm just worried it's a bit...
old.
Well, it has been there quite a while, but there are...
And I've this mate working as an au pair in...Stoke?
- Stoke. - Yeah, I was thinking about visiting her.
Stoke, party capital of Europe.
Is it?
Dad, it looks a bit cloudy to see meteors.
Yeah, afraid so.
- Get me that bacon, would you? - The bacon was for the traps, Dad.
You've set traps?
Yeah. To catch animals. It's in The SAS Encyclopaedia Of Survival.
What are they, twigs that spring open?
Well, most are toggle and bait release deadfall basket traps.
Uh-huh.
But I did also add some baited spring leg snares.
And where are these...snares?
Well, they're on the paths,
all around the campsite, cos, you know, animals walk on paths.
As do humans, of course, like me.
Well, then, you stay here,
and then I'll just tell you when we've caught something.
Hang on, you have... You have brought food?
No. You can't bring food. It's too heavy. You need to catch it.
And there's deer poo everywhere.
Your traps could catch a deer?!
Maybe. I mean, probably not a red deer because they're, like, the size of cows.
So we've got no food at all?
Maybe we should get the bacon out of the traps. If we washed it...
They're really well camouflaged and, to be honest,
I'm not really that sure where I left them.
So, basically, we are stuck in the middle of nowhere,
with no food...
..and surrounded by well-camouflaged snares.
Correct.
Um...
..Karen, I know that you've been talking to Stacey a lot
and I just want you to know that you really don't have to worry
about being...
a nice size.
- Then why are you saying it? - Because you don't.
There's lots of things I don't have to worry about,
like being carried away by a condor.
- Good, that's... - I don't have to worry about
tripping and falling into the oven headfirst and being cooked.
There are lots of things I don't have to worry about.
So, what you're actually saying is,
I do need to worry about being a nice size.
No! God, no, absolutely not!
God, no! I...I...I...
I couldn't... It...It couldn't matter less.
It's just that I have stumbled upon
what you've been eating at school...
This is about the doughnuts, isn't it?
16 in a week seems a lot.
I didn't eat them.
LISPING: Thpartacuth, you are no leth a man than great Thaesar himself.
Let Caesar fight me one on one and then we will see who's boss.
Oh, Thpartacuth...
Are you sure you want me to speak the way that Tulsa does it ?
Yes. Definitely. It helps to get used to it.
Oh, Thpartacuth, if you beat Thaesar, I would kith you.
And what about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?
Yeth.
Thanks, Dad.
So, are you sure that nobody will laugh?
Absolutely. They'll be...
..too caught up in the romance.
Oh, look, some raisins from our last trip.
Can we eat those?
I mean, the mould is only... CLICK AND SNAP
What the hell was that?
One of my traps!
Why did you give the doughnuts to the other girls?
You told me to build bridges and make friends.
Oh, you're buying friends with doughnuts?
- Yes. - Oh, God, that's a rel...
No, actually, no, it's not, is it?
I do know you can't buy friends.
Well...you can, kind of, but you usually end up with the fat ones.
- Oh, Karen! - Oh, hello. It's Worrywoman.
What are you worried about now?
I'm worried that I'm about to punch my son in the face.
PETE: It's a rabbit. You've actually netted a rabbit.
- So what do we do now? - Kill it, gut it, cook it, eat it.
Well, whack it on the head with your club then.
I'm so hungry, I could eat any mammal.
- Except a human, of course. - Probably not.
Or a panda cos they're endangered.
Or a liver of a polar bear because they're toxic.
They're like huskies' livers. They're toxic as well.
- And some sea lions actually have... - Ben?
- ..toxic livers. - Ben? It's OK.
We don't have to kill it.
So, can we let the bunny go?
Yeah.
Oh, that was easy.
Oh, wow! Look at that!
Me and my mates carved that in 1977!
- BEN: - What?
Nothing. Doesn't matter.
Dad, there's a lot of cars parked up there on that track.
Yeah. Probably nature lovers.
But they're flashing their lights. Do you reckon they're trying to signal?
Yep...
but not to us.
Karen? This history essay, you've only done half a page.
It's longer than Tequilla's.
- Tequilla? - I texted her.
Why isn't anyone called Janet or John any more?
There's a LaJanet in 7K.
LaJanet?
I googled Stoke.
- Isn't it lovely? - Well...
I'm going to take a gap year.
- What? Whoa, whoa, hang on! - I've decided, Mum.
But you decided you weren't months ago.
What is it you want to do on a gap year?
I haven't decided that.
Is this because you haven't finished your university application form,
which you assured me was under control and has to be in by midnight?
- Definitely not. - Good. Have you finished it?
- No. - Have you started it?
I don't need to. I'm going on a gap year.
- Gap years are brilliant. As... - Stacey!
Can you borrow me?
Just say no more words.
It's probably the last chance we'll have to do stuff like this together.
Well, I thought that, too.
No offence, but you're quite old already,
and soon you'll just reach that age
where you won't want to do stuff with me any more.
Oh, well, I thought it might be the other way round,
now you're a teenager.
Yeah, I mean...being a teenager is quite tricky.
I sometimes think I'm a bit weird.
Yeah, well, we all think we're a bit weird because we're the only ones
who know all the stuff that goes on inside our heads.
Weird stuff does go on inside my head.
I can imagine.
Because weird stuff goes on outside your head.
You can always talk about it if you want.
Can I not talk about it if I want?
That's fine too.
- Don't say it, Mum. - Don't say what?
That I'm going on a gap year for all the wrong reasons.
I don't have to now, cos you've said it.
Oh, Mum, look, I might as well put off going to uni for a bit.
Everyone I know who's graduated is either working in KFC
or stuck in a duck costume handing out leaflets.
Yeah, but...
And the fiscal cliff is still unresolved and how am I meant to fill in a form
when I don't know what courses lead to what careers in three years' time?
And I've still got my student loan to pay off,
then I'm never going get a mortgage
and, oh, that's not even considering the Eurozone crisis.
Jakey, Jakey...
come on!
It's OK.
Look, I'll make us a nice cup of tea, and then we can just chill out.
- Chill! It's "chill", Mum, for Christ's sake. - "Chill"!
Right. Glad you're still taking the time to point that out.
Now,
why don't we fill in this form
just in case you change your mind again about a gap year.
Gap years are so...
FOX BARKS
Ben?
Ben!
So, what shall we put fifth?
Geography at Keele? Yeah, good.
- Where is Keele? - It's, um...
It's... It's below Newcastle and above
Birming... I don't know,
you're the one doing Geography.
Oh, stick it down.
Now you're in a better position to make a decision about gap year.
Sod it. No gap year.
Just get on with life.
Sure?
All right then, that is us...
done.
So now all you have to do is send this off with your personal statement.
You have done your personal statement, haven't you?
I've done a first draft.
Ben?
The clouds have gone. I didn't know whether to wake you.
Oh, yeah.
Are they the meteors?
Well, either that or Southampton's on fire. That is fantastic.
Those people in the cars down there.
They still have their headlights on.
They won't be able to see the meteors.
- No. - Do you reckon I should...tell them?
No, best not, no.
Are they doggers?
Yes, I think they are.
"I led a team on a charity walk through Morocco
"to raise money for homeless people."?
Yeah, OK, fair enough. I did make that one up entirely, but, come on, Mum,
- everyone lies. - Yeah, but they lie better.
Well, actually, most kids,
their parents write their personal statements for them.
They...they contribute nothing?
Well, they read them,
although Tommy forgot to do that.
That's how he got caught out in interview,
when they started asking about his missionary work in Angola.
So did you like being a teenager?
Not really.
I could cope with the misery and the acne,
I just wasn't very good at the rebellion.
So I'm guessing you quite liked it when you turned 20?
I wasn't great at that, either.
So what bit did you like?
I quite like now.
You like now? Despite having Karen and Jake and me and haemorrhoids?
Yeah, despite that.
You see, I'm not sure about being a teenager,
like, a proper one.
To be honest, I quite like now.
Well, liking now, that's a real gift.
That's as good as it gets. With luck, you'll...
MAN SCREAMS
- Shall we get back to the tent? - I think that's best.
Here, Mum, listen - this is really cool.
Last night, these slugs crawled into my boots.
Go and take them off.
They're actually quite comfy.
How are you feeling?
Fine.
I'm really glad we did it.
BEN: I'll run a bath, cos we're both really smelly.
Ben is brilliant at setting traps.
So he caught something, then?
A rabbit, a labradoodle, and two doggers.
They should put that on their list of 50 things to do with your kids.
It's something to go on his personal statement...when I write it.
11.57 that application went in last night. Three minutes to midnight!
- JAKE: - We got there, didn't we?
I bet she's rolling her eyes.
Relax, Mum, it was fine.
I expect you know... Jake is very chilled.
- "Chill." - Hm?
I'm chill, not chilled.
Oh, this is cheating. You told us yesterday it was "chilled".
- Hiya, Dad. - Hi, darling, what's new?
Mum got rid of Stacey.
- No, I did not! - She paid for
- her train ticket to Scotland. - She wanted to visit Edinburgh.
Mum told her it was always sunny.
Hang on, how much is a return ticket to Edinburgh?
Well, it wasn't a return.
You need to watch Ben,
cos I think he's got
food issues.