1 00:00:00,669 --> 00:00:03,075 Hi, I'm Tom ***. I work at the *** apartment. 2 00:00:03,932 --> 00:00:04,986 It's a little *** 3 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:06,466 *** 4 00:00:06,466 --> 00:00:08,703 I'm ***, *** my game. 5 00:00:08,703 --> 00:00:10,971 Who am I supposed to ask for fashion device? Jerry? 6 00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:13,207 He wears the same soup-stained khakis every day. 7 00:00:13,275 --> 00:00:14,809 Justin's my savior. 8 00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:17,044 He's like an issue of gq that's come to life. 9 00:00:17,112 --> 00:00:19,580 - * duh-duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-na-ba * 10 00:00:19,648 --> 00:00:20,614 Tommy timberlake. 11 00:00:20,682 --> 00:00:23,350 - You look like encyclopedia brown. 12 00:00:23,418 --> 00:00:26,053 - Sequins! 13 00:00:26,121 --> 00:00:29,757 - Try it without the gloves. - Sequins! 14 00:00:29,825 --> 00:00:31,392 Minus the gloves. 15 00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:32,860 Hey, what's up. I'm tom. 16 00:00:32,928 --> 00:00:36,063 Is my shirt lighting up, 'cause I didn't even notice. 17 00:00:36,131 --> 00:00:37,364 All right, guys, let's talk accessories. 18 00:00:37,432 --> 00:00:38,966 Be honest. Which cane do you like better? 19 00:00:39,034 --> 00:00:41,502 Dragon. Serpent. Dragon. Serpent. 20 00:00:41,570 --> 00:00:43,337 Belt buckle says "what's crackin'?" 21 00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:44,638 I can have it say whatever I want. 22 00:00:44,706 --> 00:00:46,073 It can say "what's crackin'? I'm tom." 23 00:00:46,141 --> 00:00:47,975 "what's crackin', girl?" "what's crackin', boo?" 24 00:00:48,043 --> 00:00:50,978 Eagle medallion. [as bird] gah gah. 25 00:00:51,046 --> 00:00:53,614 - Well, as far as white leather suits go... 26 00:00:53,682 --> 00:00:57,318 - It's horrible. - I like it. 27 00:00:59,454 --> 00:01:02,356 [triumphant music] 28 00:01:19,691 --> 00:01:23,888 - Sweetums has been pawnee's leading sweet treat manufacturer 29 00:01:23,888 --> 00:01:25,923 For over 80 years. 30 00:01:25,990 --> 00:01:30,193 And we are so excited about our new partnership 31 00:01:30,261 --> 00:01:32,029 With the parks department. 32 00:01:32,096 --> 00:01:33,497 [cheers and applause] huh? Welcome. 33 00:01:33,565 --> 00:01:34,798 - Starting next month, 34 00:01:34,866 --> 00:01:36,667 Sweetums is gonna take over the concession stands 35 00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:38,035 In our parks. 36 00:01:38,102 --> 00:01:40,404 I-I don't love the idea of corporate sponsorship, 37 00:01:40,471 --> 00:01:42,906 But sweetums is an institution. 38 00:01:42,974 --> 00:01:45,275 When you think of pawnee, you think of sweetums. 39 00:01:45,343 --> 00:01:48,145 - Although candy is our bread and butter, 40 00:01:48,212 --> 00:01:50,948 We also care about the health of our customers. 41 00:01:51,015 --> 00:01:55,852 And that's why we'll be debuting our new, healthy energy bar, 42 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,721 Nutriyums. 43 00:01:57,789 --> 00:02:00,490 Take a look. 44 00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:04,561 - Hi. I'm nick newport, jr. Ceo of sweetums. 45 00:02:04,629 --> 00:02:07,631 And I'd like to introduce to you our new line of energy bars, 46 00:02:07,699 --> 00:02:09,099 Nutriyums. 47 00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,401 We start with 100% all-natural corn. 48 00:02:11,469 --> 00:02:13,870 Then we add just a little bit of sweetums' corn syrup, 49 00:02:13,938 --> 00:02:16,440 Little drop of sunshine, and some other stuff. 50 00:02:16,507 --> 00:02:17,708 And since they're from sweetums, 51 00:02:17,775 --> 00:02:19,009 You know your kids are gonna love it. 52 00:02:19,077 --> 00:02:20,277 - Wow, that family looks so healthy. 53 00:02:20,345 --> 00:02:21,645 Look at them. They're all wearing vests. 54 00:02:21,713 --> 00:02:23,480 - Dakota, denver. [dog barks] 55 00:02:23,548 --> 00:02:25,382 Sorry, shoelace, we don't make nutriyums 56 00:02:25,450 --> 00:02:27,451 For dogs...Yet. 57 00:02:27,518 --> 00:02:29,453 - [laughs] shoelace. 58 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,555 - Nutriyums, where nutritious meets tasty. 59 00:02:31,623 --> 00:02:32,823 By sweetums. 60 00:02:34,292 --> 00:02:37,494 - If you can't beat 'em... - All: Sweetums! 61 00:02:37,562 --> 00:02:39,262 - I could not be happier about this. 62 00:02:39,330 --> 00:02:42,633 I think the entire government should be privatized. 63 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:45,369 Chuck e. Cheese could run the parks. 64 00:02:45,436 --> 00:02:47,671 Everything operated by tokens. 65 00:02:47,739 --> 00:02:50,107 Drop in a token, go on the swing set. 66 00:02:50,174 --> 00:02:53,110 Drop in another token, take a walk. 67 00:02:53,177 --> 00:02:56,713 Drop in a token, look at a duck. 68 00:02:56,781 --> 00:02:59,983 - * brendanawicz * quick question. 69 00:03:00,051 --> 00:03:01,351 Do you personally know xzibit? 70 00:03:01,419 --> 00:03:03,220 Because I was checking out that pickup truck of yours 71 00:03:03,287 --> 00:03:05,088 And that ride is pimp. 72 00:03:05,156 --> 00:03:08,191 - It's really nice of you to compliment my pickup truck 73 00:03:08,259 --> 00:03:09,493 With no ulterior motive. 74 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,361 - Yeah, so listen, I need to move some stuff 75 00:03:11,429 --> 00:03:13,230 This weekend into my new bachelor pad 76 00:03:13,297 --> 00:03:14,831 Since my divorce is finally going down. 77 00:03:14,899 --> 00:03:15,866 Just some odds and ends. 78 00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:17,167 You can bring over the markmobile, 79 00:03:17,235 --> 00:03:18,568 Help me move, right? 80 00:03:18,636 --> 00:03:21,304 - I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse right now. 81 00:03:21,372 --> 00:03:24,841 So yes, I'll help you. - My boy! 82 00:03:24,909 --> 00:03:27,644 - I [bleep] hate having a pickup truck. 83 00:03:27,712 --> 00:03:29,780 - Andy, I have a very interesting 84 00:03:29,847 --> 00:03:31,882 Business proposal for you. 85 00:03:31,949 --> 00:03:33,884 I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend. 86 00:03:33,951 --> 00:03:37,320 - Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. 87 00:03:37,388 --> 00:03:39,156 Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from the boxes 88 00:03:39,223 --> 00:03:40,190 And I'll use it for break dancing. 89 00:03:40,258 --> 00:03:42,325 - I'll go too. - Really. 90 00:03:42,393 --> 00:03:43,727 'cause an hour ago, you told me 91 00:03:43,795 --> 00:03:45,529 You'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents. 92 00:03:45,596 --> 00:03:48,331 - Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. 93 00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:49,599 Do you want help or not? 94 00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:52,169 - All right. See you guys later. 95 00:03:52,236 --> 00:03:53,704 - I think that that's really, really sweet 96 00:03:53,771 --> 00:03:57,507 That your grandparents still make love. 97 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,817 - Oh. Ready to go? - Yes. Your keys, please. 98 00:04:06,884 --> 00:04:08,385 - [chuckles] you got to be kidding me. 99 00:04:08,453 --> 00:04:09,653 I'm fine. 100 00:04:09,721 --> 00:04:12,489 - We'll let the chart be the judge of that. 101 00:04:12,557 --> 00:04:15,992 What, are you 5'11"? 210 pounds. 102 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:18,028 Three whiskeys. 103 00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:20,997 It looks like you're just over the line into impaired. 104 00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:22,699 - You carry that with you all the time? 105 00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:24,301 - It comes in handy. 106 00:04:24,368 --> 00:04:26,903 And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack. 107 00:04:26,971 --> 00:04:28,739 - Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance 108 00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:30,073 For alcohol. 109 00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:32,375 My old man used to put wild turkey on his corn flakes. 110 00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:33,710 - I'm not gonna argue with you, ron. 111 00:04:33,778 --> 00:04:35,445 We're just gonna sit and wait until, you know, 112 00:04:35,513 --> 00:04:39,349 You're safe to drive, which would be in about... 113 00:04:39,417 --> 00:04:42,219 One hour. 114 00:04:42,286 --> 00:04:47,057 "insurance is a side bet when you wager half 115 00:04:47,125 --> 00:04:49,459 "of your original bet because you believe the dealer 116 00:04:49,527 --> 00:04:52,729 Has a 10 in the hole." 117 00:04:52,797 --> 00:04:54,030 - [honks horn] 118 00:04:54,098 --> 00:04:57,734 - Get off my car, woman! - 20 minutes! 119 00:04:57,802 --> 00:05:00,337 The dealer really has an advantage. 120 00:05:00,404 --> 00:05:02,339 That's what I get the most from this. 121 00:05:06,577 --> 00:05:09,212 Hey, ron. 122 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:12,415 - Morning, leslie. Did you have a good night? 123 00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:14,017 - I did. I watched a really good docu-- 124 00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:15,051 What is that? 125 00:05:15,119 --> 00:05:16,753 - This is what I did last night. 126 00:05:16,821 --> 00:05:18,088 After I got home, 127 00:05:18,156 --> 00:05:20,590 I drank six more glasses of whiskey 128 00:05:20,658 --> 00:05:23,026 And then I finished crafting this small harp 129 00:05:23,094 --> 00:05:24,995 Using a band saw, a spokeshave, 130 00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:26,963 And an oscillating spindle sander. 131 00:05:27,031 --> 00:05:28,999 [harp strings ring harmoniously] 132 00:05:29,066 --> 00:05:31,234 - Beautiful. - But wait, there's more. 133 00:05:31,302 --> 00:05:34,004 Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. 134 00:05:34,071 --> 00:05:36,006 You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper 135 00:05:36,073 --> 00:05:38,175 So you can tell that I'm not lying. 136 00:05:38,242 --> 00:05:40,977 - Mm. I feel like I'm in a spa. 137 00:05:43,481 --> 00:05:45,081 - So I got my truck all cleaned out 138 00:05:45,149 --> 00:05:46,449 And ready to go for tomorrow. 139 00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:49,352 Do you have, like, furniture pads and, uh, dollies, 140 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:50,487 That sort of thing? 141 00:05:50,555 --> 00:05:51,988 - Ooh. I thought the mover supplied those. 142 00:05:52,056 --> 00:05:55,759 - I'm not a mover. I'm a sap who owns a truck. 143 00:05:55,827 --> 00:05:57,360 - Don't talk about yourself like that. 144 00:05:57,428 --> 00:06:00,130 And bring some coffee. - Hey, are you moving out? 145 00:06:00,198 --> 00:06:01,731 Have you told wendy how you feel yet? 146 00:06:01,799 --> 00:06:03,767 - Uh, waiting for the right time. 147 00:06:03,835 --> 00:06:05,769 - It's right now. The time is now. 148 00:06:05,837 --> 00:06:07,170 - Just don't worry about it. I'm fine. 149 00:06:07,238 --> 00:06:09,206 - Hmm. - What's that over there? 150 00:06:09,273 --> 00:06:10,507 - Mm. - Holy cow. 151 00:06:10,575 --> 00:06:11,675 - Mm. - Man. 152 00:06:11,742 --> 00:06:13,143 - Wow. - That is good stuff. 153 00:06:13,211 --> 00:06:14,678 - Great, right? - Oh, my god. 154 00:06:14,745 --> 00:06:16,513 They're amazing. - They're more than amazing. 155 00:06:16,581 --> 00:06:17,981 They are terrific. 156 00:06:18,049 --> 00:06:19,983 - Terrific's not more than amazing, jerry. 157 00:06:20,051 --> 00:06:21,852 - No? Well, it's not less. 158 00:06:21,919 --> 00:06:24,321 - Everything sweetums makes is off the charts. 159 00:06:24,388 --> 00:06:25,856 I like their candy fingernails. 160 00:06:25,923 --> 00:06:27,724 - I can't believe these things are healthy. 161 00:06:27,792 --> 00:06:28,925 - Mm. - Well, it's not that crazy. 162 00:06:28,993 --> 00:06:30,727 Krackel bar is also healthy and delicious. 163 00:06:30,795 --> 00:06:32,963 - No, they're not. - Yeah. 164 00:06:33,030 --> 00:06:35,298 They--they actually have rice in them, so... 165 00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:40,537 - Mm, andy, you're fine, but you're simple. 166 00:06:40,605 --> 00:06:41,972 [muffled dance music] 167 00:06:42,039 --> 00:06:43,874 * * 168 00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:46,509 - Who just put 100 of these in their body? 169 00:06:46,544 --> 00:06:49,479 - Annnnnnn! Oh! Look at you! 170 00:06:49,547 --> 00:06:51,114 You're looking pretty unhealthy today. 171 00:06:51,182 --> 00:06:52,182 You might need one of these. 172 00:06:52,250 --> 00:06:53,717 Nutriyum by sweetums. 173 00:06:53,784 --> 00:06:55,352 * if you can't beat 'em, sweetums * 174 00:06:55,419 --> 00:06:57,354 - I love that song. - Ow! 175 00:06:57,421 --> 00:06:59,055 - I got to go check my email. 176 00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:00,624 - We're gonna sell these in the park now. 177 00:07:00,691 --> 00:07:03,293 - They're healthy. - Holy god. 178 00:07:03,361 --> 00:07:04,794 No, they're not. They're terrible for you. 179 00:07:04,862 --> 00:07:06,129 - No, they're not. 180 00:07:06,197 --> 00:07:07,731 There's a picture of lance armstrong on there. 181 00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:08,932 - Yeah, but look at the ingredients. 182 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,634 High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup-- 183 00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:13,036 - There's only 8 grams of fat. - Yeah. Per serving. 184 00:07:13,104 --> 00:07:14,704 A bar is four servings. 185 00:07:14,772 --> 00:07:16,106 - Well, people seem to enjoy them. 186 00:07:16,173 --> 00:07:17,607 Look how happy everybody is. 187 00:07:17,675 --> 00:07:19,910 [dance music playing loudly] 188 00:07:19,977 --> 00:07:21,778 * * 189 00:07:21,846 --> 00:07:23,914 - Yeah, that's a sugar rush. 190 00:07:23,981 --> 00:07:24,948 - Yeah. - Yeah. 191 00:07:25,016 --> 00:07:25,916 - That makes sense. 192 00:07:25,983 --> 00:07:26,917 - They're gonna crash soon 193 00:07:26,984 --> 00:07:28,018 And it's not gonna be pretty. 194 00:07:28,085 --> 00:07:29,252 - Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon too 195 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,620 'cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these. 196 00:07:30,688 --> 00:07:32,122 - Oh, god. 197 00:07:32,189 --> 00:07:34,658 Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. 198 00:07:34,725 --> 00:07:37,727 But pawnee is the fourth most obese city in america. 199 00:07:37,795 --> 00:07:39,462 The kids here are beefy. 200 00:07:39,530 --> 00:07:44,701 They're just husky, big-boned, plus-sized chunk monsters. 201 00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:47,003 I call 'em like I see 'em. 202 00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:50,974 [silence] 203 00:07:51,042 --> 00:07:52,442 - Leslie. - Yeah. 204 00:07:52,510 --> 00:07:54,344 - Let's get some almonds in you, okay? 205 00:07:54,412 --> 00:07:56,012 - Okay. - Can-- 206 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,381 - I can't open them. 207 00:07:58,449 --> 00:08:00,884 - [sprays] - oh! Back to work. 208 00:08:00,952 --> 00:08:02,886 I hate it here. This place is evil. 209 00:08:02,954 --> 00:08:04,321 - I think these are the only two films 210 00:08:04,388 --> 00:08:05,922 That say "sweetums" on the label. 211 00:08:05,990 --> 00:08:07,424 - Yeah, well, let's take them both. 212 00:08:07,491 --> 00:08:09,059 We might find something interesting. 213 00:08:09,126 --> 00:08:10,727 Here. Just--I'll stick them under my shirt. 214 00:08:10,795 --> 00:08:12,929 We'll just walk out. - They have sensors. 215 00:08:12,997 --> 00:08:14,597 Just check them out. It's free. 216 00:08:14,665 --> 00:08:18,001 - Hi, marci. - Leslie. 217 00:08:18,069 --> 00:08:20,136 Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? 218 00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:23,406 Ha. Oh, I guess not. It's a movie. 219 00:08:23,474 --> 00:08:25,008 - You're pretty cocky for someone whose job 220 00:08:25,076 --> 00:08:26,910 Is obsolete because of the internet. 221 00:08:26,978 --> 00:08:30,747 - [laughs] let's see. 222 00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:34,150 Hmm. You seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called 223 00:08:34,218 --> 00:08:36,519 [shouting] mysteries of the female orgasm! 224 00:08:36,587 --> 00:08:39,556 - No, I don't! - Yeah, you do. 225 00:08:39,623 --> 00:08:44,160 - Ann, grab the movie. Go! Go! Go! Go! 226 00:08:44,228 --> 00:08:46,129 Punk ass book jockeys! 227 00:08:46,197 --> 00:08:50,433 [alarm beeping] 228 00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,569 - So you guys all good 229 00:08:52,636 --> 00:08:54,771 With, uh, sweetums' concession stand deal? 230 00:08:54,839 --> 00:08:56,673 I can go ahead and sign off on it? 231 00:08:56,741 --> 00:08:58,441 - You bet ya. - Actually, no. No. 232 00:08:58,509 --> 00:08:59,743 We are worried that the energy bars 233 00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:01,544 That they're gonna sell are grossly unhealthy 234 00:09:01,612 --> 00:09:04,214 And they're misleading people about what's actually in them. 235 00:09:04,281 --> 00:09:06,349 - No. We're not worried about that. 236 00:09:06,417 --> 00:09:08,651 We're fine and we sign off. 237 00:09:08,719 --> 00:09:10,420 - Paul, can I have a sidebar with ron? 238 00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:13,123 - I guess. - Sidebar, ron. 239 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:14,357 I did some research and nutriyums 240 00:09:14,425 --> 00:09:15,425 Are terrible for you. 241 00:09:15,493 --> 00:09:16,993 - I don't care. We're doing it. 242 00:09:17,061 --> 00:09:19,095 - Nah--ta--plee--buh-huh-- we're in a sidebar. 243 00:09:19,163 --> 00:09:21,331 Uh, do you not care about your city's health? 244 00:09:21,399 --> 00:09:22,732 - I care about the people's right 245 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,434 To consume whatever they want. 246 00:09:24,502 --> 00:09:26,770 - Paul, can you and I have a sidebar? 247 00:09:26,837 --> 00:09:28,271 - No. 248 00:09:28,339 --> 00:09:30,173 - Okay, I think maybe we should hold a public forum. 249 00:09:30,241 --> 00:09:31,674 That way we won't be liable. 250 00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:34,310 - There's no point. It's a homrun for the city. 251 00:09:34,378 --> 00:09:35,845 - No, I think she's right. 252 00:09:35,913 --> 00:09:37,914 It's a good "cover our ass" move. 253 00:09:37,982 --> 00:09:39,949 Let's do it. - Paul. 254 00:09:40,017 --> 00:09:41,618 Leslie, why must you stick your nose 255 00:09:41,685 --> 00:09:42,886 Into everyone else's business? 256 00:09:42,953 --> 00:09:44,421 - Sidebar, paul. 257 00:09:44,488 --> 00:09:46,356 Ron's upset because I didn't let him drive last night. 258 00:09:46,424 --> 00:09:49,259 - Stop sidebaring. 259 00:09:49,326 --> 00:09:51,761 - Somebody's grouchy. 260 00:09:53,398 --> 00:09:54,862 - You said it was just odds and ends. 261 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:55,962 - It is. Yeah. And some furniture. 262 00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,874 And--and the plasma tv. 263 00:09:57,874 --> 00:09:59,274 - You haven't even folded up the boxes yet. 264 00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:03,879 - Dude, deep blue sea. Greatest movie ever made. 265 00:10:03,946 --> 00:10:06,148 - That's the canadian version. 22 extra minutes. 266 00:10:06,215 --> 00:10:07,449 And there's a bonus audio track 267 00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:08,950 Where ll cool j raps all his dialogue. 268 00:10:09,018 --> 00:10:12,387 - What? We're watching this right now. 269 00:10:12,455 --> 00:10:13,655 - No, no, no. - Pop it in. 270 00:10:13,723 --> 00:10:16,425 - We should really pack this room up and get moving. 271 00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:20,562 - So this is a really big room I need packed up, guys. 272 00:10:20,630 --> 00:10:23,231 - This is your bedroom? 273 00:10:23,299 --> 00:10:25,667 - No. It's a spare room I converted 274 00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:29,004 Into a walk-in closet/ home fitness center. 275 00:10:29,072 --> 00:10:30,505 - What is that? 276 00:10:30,573 --> 00:10:33,008 - Oh. I strapped an mp3 player 277 00:10:33,076 --> 00:10:34,443 To one of those floor-cleaning robots. 278 00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:35,644 I call him dj roomba. 279 00:10:35,711 --> 00:10:37,312 Little guy cruises around and plays music. 280 00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:38,513 What's hot, dj roomba? 281 00:10:38,581 --> 00:10:40,515 [hip-hop music] 282 00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:44,152 Dj roomba, tearing it up! 283 00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:48,323 - He likes me. [laughs] 284 00:10:48,391 --> 00:10:51,593 - Let's dance for a little while, mark. What--? 285 00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:54,729 - Nutriyums energy bars are just absolutely loaded 286 00:10:54,797 --> 00:10:56,998 With high-fructose corn syrup and fatty oils. 287 00:10:57,066 --> 00:10:58,333 And any way you slice it, 288 00:10:58,401 --> 00:11:01,203 They're just extremely unhealthy for you. 289 00:11:01,270 --> 00:11:02,838 - Leslie needs to butt out. 290 00:11:02,905 --> 00:11:04,840 The whole point of this country 291 00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:07,742 Is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, 292 00:11:07,810 --> 00:11:11,046 And die of a heart attack at 43, you can. 293 00:11:11,114 --> 00:11:14,783 You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. 294 00:11:14,851 --> 00:11:16,718 - [exhales] any questions? 295 00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:18,253 - I--if sugar's so bad, 296 00:11:18,321 --> 00:11:20,188 How come jesus made it taste so good? 297 00:11:20,256 --> 00:11:23,291 - Uh...Yes. 298 00:11:23,359 --> 00:11:24,693 - But isn't all food bad for you? 299 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,495 I've been eating lasagna and muffins 300 00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:27,796 Every day of my life for 40 years 301 00:11:27,864 --> 00:11:28,864 And I feel terrible. 302 00:11:28,931 --> 00:11:30,398 - Right. 303 00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:31,733 - What's so bad about corn syrup? 304 00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:33,635 It's natural. Corn's a fruit. 305 00:11:33,703 --> 00:11:35,570 Syrup comes from a bush. 306 00:11:35,638 --> 00:11:37,472 - Oh, boy. 307 00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,341 - How do we know you're really a nurse? 308 00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,209 - I am. I promise. I work at st. Joe's. 309 00:11:41,277 --> 00:11:44,446 - Well, the point is my friend thinks you're cute. 310 00:11:44,514 --> 00:11:46,047 Give me your number so he can have it. 311 00:11:46,115 --> 00:11:48,150 - Yeah. That's not gonna happen. 312 00:11:48,217 --> 00:11:50,018 - Can I have your email address? I just got on aol. 313 00:11:50,086 --> 00:11:51,319 - Oh, my god. No. 314 00:11:51,387 --> 00:11:52,821 - I think we ought to throw those bars out 315 00:11:52,889 --> 00:11:54,689 And eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches. 316 00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,424 - That's not a good idea. - Ham and mayonnaise! 317 00:11:56,492 --> 00:11:57,759 - It's not-- - ham and mayonnaise! 318 00:11:57,827 --> 00:11:58,994 - No, no, no. 319 00:11:59,061 --> 00:12:01,997 [people chanting "ham and mayonnaise"] 320 00:12:02,064 --> 00:12:03,932 - Oh, god, I can't believe you do this every week. 321 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,200 - I'm actually encouraged. 322 00:12:05,268 --> 00:12:07,169 The questions were more relevant than usual. 323 00:12:07,236 --> 00:12:09,371 - Yeah, I need to order the brown timberlands 324 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,406 In a size 8, narrow. 325 00:12:11,474 --> 00:12:14,176 How much is the next-day shipping? 326 00:12:14,243 --> 00:12:15,911 I don't-- what's two-day shipping? 327 00:12:15,978 --> 00:12:19,581 Yeah, I'd like to place an order for one pad thai, chicken. 328 00:12:19,649 --> 00:12:21,583 And, uh, no scallions on it, please. 329 00:12:21,651 --> 00:12:23,919 Just for one person. Yeah, just one. 330 00:12:23,986 --> 00:12:26,688 Man, I saw mark carrying, like, three boxes. 331 00:12:26,756 --> 00:12:27,889 That dude is strong. 332 00:12:27,957 --> 00:12:30,592 - Whatever. I'll carry five boxes. 333 00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:34,262 - Go get 'em, champ. 334 00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:36,264 - Okay, donna, where do you want this? 335 00:12:36,332 --> 00:12:38,033 - Uh-uh, that's it. 336 00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:40,101 My baby has a delicate suspension. 337 00:12:40,169 --> 00:12:42,370 - Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not. Move. 338 00:12:42,438 --> 00:12:43,705 - Put it in your truck, brendanawicz. 339 00:12:43,773 --> 00:12:47,876 There's plenty of room. 340 00:12:47,944 --> 00:12:51,980 - Hey! Ee! Ah! My pocket squares! 341 00:12:52,048 --> 00:12:53,148 [dog barking] 342 00:12:53,216 --> 00:12:54,216 - Sorry, shoelace, 343 00:12:54,283 --> 00:12:56,952 We don't make nutriyums for dogs...Yet. 344 00:12:57,019 --> 00:12:59,688 - Nutriyums, where nutritious meets tasty. 345 00:12:59,755 --> 00:13:01,423 By sweetums. 346 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,791 - I guess that about says it all. 347 00:13:02,858 --> 00:13:04,426 - No, it doesn't, actually. 348 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,094 I think we should watch another video right now. 349 00:13:06,162 --> 00:13:08,930 One that your company made 30 years ago. 350 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:14,202 - I'm nick newport, president of sweetums, 351 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:17,239 Giving you a look inside our corn syrup factory. 352 00:13:17,306 --> 00:13:20,475 This is all-new high-fructose corn syrup, 353 00:13:20,543 --> 00:13:22,544 A miracle product that's sweeter than sugar, 354 00:13:22,612 --> 00:13:24,713 But cheaper to produce. 355 00:13:24,780 --> 00:13:27,215 Cheap, delicious, sugary corn 356 00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:29,451 Is currently being used by farms 357 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,319 To fatten up their cows and pigs. 358 00:13:31,387 --> 00:13:33,655 Look how fat those cows are! 359 00:13:33,723 --> 00:13:36,591 Fat, happy, and docile. 360 00:13:36,659 --> 00:13:38,793 The way we like 'em. 361 00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,462 - [clears throat] 362 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,964 So you still want to claim that corn syrup is healthy? 363 00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:45,600 - Corn syrup is natural and it's fine in moderation. 364 00:13:45,668 --> 00:13:47,435 But don't take my word for it. 365 00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:50,538 Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Nick newport, jr.! 366 00:13:50,606 --> 00:13:52,540 [cheers and applause] 367 00:13:52,608 --> 00:13:54,909 - Hey, guy. Hey, how you doing? 368 00:13:54,977 --> 00:13:59,381 How you doing? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 369 00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:02,017 - My kids, denver and dakota! 370 00:14:02,084 --> 00:14:05,020 [cheers and applause] 371 00:14:09,091 --> 00:14:10,425 - Ah! - [giggling] 372 00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:14,062 - I just want to get a-- ah, that's good hose water. 373 00:14:14,130 --> 00:14:15,463 - Hey. - Don't get my shoes. 374 00:14:15,531 --> 00:14:17,632 Hey, what's up, guys. You come to help tom move too? 375 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,801 Too late! We already almost got all of it. 376 00:14:19,869 --> 00:14:21,803 - No. We just thought it'd be funny 377 00:14:21,871 --> 00:14:23,471 To see April doing physical labor. 378 00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,507 - [snickers] ah. 379 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:26,875 It's been an awesome moving day. 380 00:14:26,942 --> 00:14:29,678 I got the little robot to play dave matthews. 381 00:14:29,745 --> 00:14:31,012 * oh, little baby * 382 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,848 - What's he talking about? - Dj roomba. 383 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,717 - What? - All right. 384 00:14:35,785 --> 00:14:37,852 Back to the grindstone. 385 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,155 Awesome seeing you, dudes. - See ya. 386 00:14:40,222 --> 00:14:44,025 - Later, bro. - Ha ha! 387 00:14:44,093 --> 00:14:46,861 - Hi. - Hi. 388 00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:51,700 - God, this is so weird. It's like, end of an era, huh? 389 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,568 It's kinda sad. 390 00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:55,704 - Eh, we'll still be friends. - Yeah. 391 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,539 Well, hey, you guys must be starving. 392 00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,140 You want me to order you a pizza or something? 393 00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:00,542 - Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. - Okay. 394 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,243 - Why don't you get some canadian bacon on it 395 00:15:02,311 --> 00:15:03,645 Since you're from canada... - Mm-hmm. 396 00:15:03,713 --> 00:15:05,947 - And sausage 'cause I am brown and spicy. 397 00:15:06,015 --> 00:15:08,416 - [laughs] okay. All right. 398 00:15:08,484 --> 00:15:12,687 Well, I will, um, see you around, I guess, right? 399 00:15:12,755 --> 00:15:16,624 - Yeah. I'm around. - I'll see you around. 400 00:15:16,692 --> 00:15:18,126 [chuckles] - bye. 401 00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:23,031 - Bye. 402 00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:26,768 - Wow. Mr. Newport, jr., thank you so much for coming. 403 00:15:26,836 --> 00:15:28,937 But don't you think that every person 404 00:15:29,004 --> 00:15:30,605 Has the right to know what they're putting 405 00:15:30,673 --> 00:15:31,740 In their bodies? 406 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,375 Right, everybody? - Is shoelace here? 407 00:15:33,442 --> 00:15:35,009 Where's shoelace? 408 00:15:35,077 --> 00:15:36,077 - Shoelace couldn't make it. 409 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,812 But I do agree with this nice lady. 410 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,982 That's why I say we should let the people be the judge. 411 00:15:41,050 --> 00:15:42,083 Denver. 412 00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:44,419 - Everybody, check under your seats! 413 00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:48,022 [gasps and cheers] 414 00:15:48,090 --> 00:15:52,227 [whistling and applause] 415 00:15:54,797 --> 00:15:57,332 - Denver, you little son of a bitch. 416 00:16:01,588 --> 00:16:05,157 [hip-hop playing] - mm. 417 00:16:05,987 --> 00:16:08,622 There's no pizza left? - Sorry, jer. Too slow. 418 00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:10,491 - You want my crusts? Here. Take this. 419 00:16:10,558 --> 00:16:13,827 - Nobody even told me the pizza was here. 420 00:16:13,895 --> 00:16:14,862 [crash] 421 00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:17,498 - Jerry! You stepped on dj roomba! 422 00:16:17,565 --> 00:16:19,867 Agh! - That was an accident. 423 00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:22,035 - You killed him. I built him myself. 424 00:16:22,103 --> 00:16:24,071 He was like a son to me. 425 00:16:24,139 --> 00:16:26,306 - Okay. Time to vote. 426 00:16:26,374 --> 00:16:28,976 All those who would like the bloated corpse 427 00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:30,410 Of the government to keep running 428 00:16:30,478 --> 00:16:33,480 The snack bars at taxpayer expense, 429 00:16:33,548 --> 00:16:34,882 Raise your hands. 430 00:16:34,949 --> 00:16:37,117 - That seems like an unfair phrasing. 431 00:16:37,185 --> 00:16:39,319 And all those in favor 432 00:16:39,387 --> 00:16:41,755 Of letting this heartless corporation, sweetums, 433 00:16:41,823 --> 00:16:43,557 Stuff your children with sugary crap, 434 00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:44,791 Raise your hand. 435 00:16:44,859 --> 00:16:48,428 - [laughs] thank you, everybody. 436 00:16:48,496 --> 00:16:51,064 - Ugh. I can't believe this. 437 00:16:51,132 --> 00:16:52,733 - You know what, we did our job. 438 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,803 We informed the public. That's all we can do. 439 00:16:56,871 --> 00:16:58,539 - I'm sorry, man, there's nothing I can do. 440 00:16:58,606 --> 00:16:59,940 - [sighs] are you serious? 441 00:17:00,008 --> 00:17:02,309 - Look, we'll get it fixed and I'll see you Monday. 442 00:17:02,377 --> 00:17:04,811 - I just got off the phone with my new landlord. 443 00:17:04,879 --> 00:17:07,281 Apparently there's been some sort of gas leak 444 00:17:07,348 --> 00:17:11,218 And I can't move into my place until Monday now. 445 00:17:11,286 --> 00:17:12,953 - Are you telling us we have to unload this 446 00:17:13,021 --> 00:17:14,021 And move it back in the house? 447 00:17:14,088 --> 00:17:15,489 - No. I can't put it there. 448 00:17:15,557 --> 00:17:17,357 I promised wendy I'd be out of here tonight. 449 00:17:17,425 --> 00:17:21,395 Um...I got it! 450 00:17:21,462 --> 00:17:22,996 Everybody go home. 451 00:17:23,064 --> 00:17:25,299 Pack away my stuff in your own houses. 452 00:17:25,366 --> 00:17:27,935 Then on Monday, pack it back up, 453 00:17:28,002 --> 00:17:30,370 Meet me at my new place, unload it there. 454 00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:36,343 - [sighs] come on, guys. 455 00:17:36,411 --> 00:17:39,213 - See ya, tom. - Bye. 456 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,248 - Later. 457 00:17:41,316 --> 00:17:43,650 - Hey, bro, want to go get our grub on? 458 00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,619 - Totes, bra. Wings and brews. 459 00:17:45,687 --> 00:17:46,954 - Why are you guys talking like that? 460 00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:49,823 - Just chillaxin' like your new bro andy. 461 00:17:49,891 --> 00:17:51,491 - Yeah. Want to play some hacky sack later? 462 00:17:51,559 --> 00:17:53,527 Maybe, uh, listen to blues traveler? 463 00:17:53,595 --> 00:17:55,996 - Okay. I'm leaving. - We're just kidding. 464 00:17:56,064 --> 00:17:58,165 Let's go to dinner. - I'm not hungry. 465 00:17:58,233 --> 00:17:59,866 And you guys aren't being funny. 466 00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:00,934 - Why are you being weird? 467 00:18:01,002 --> 00:18:02,069 We make fun of people like that. 468 00:18:02,136 --> 00:18:04,671 That's what we do. 469 00:18:04,739 --> 00:18:09,142 - You know, for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay. 470 00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:10,744 - I said "of course I remember you. 471 00:18:10,812 --> 00:18:12,079 You're chastity, right?" 472 00:18:12,146 --> 00:18:13,914 [laughter] 473 00:18:13,982 --> 00:18:16,950 - Leslie. Even though I didn't invite you, 474 00:18:17,018 --> 00:18:18,318 You came here anyway. 475 00:18:18,386 --> 00:18:21,088 I-I respect that because you made a choice 476 00:18:21,155 --> 00:18:22,823 As a free american. 477 00:18:22,890 --> 00:18:24,324 - What are you eating? 478 00:18:24,392 --> 00:18:26,660 - I call this "turf and turf." 479 00:18:26,728 --> 00:18:27,728 It's a 16-ounce t-bone 480 00:18:27,795 --> 00:18:29,730 And a 24-ounce porterhouse. 481 00:18:29,797 --> 00:18:32,666 Also whiskey and a cigar. 482 00:18:32,734 --> 00:18:35,068 I'm gonna consume all of this at the same time 483 00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,070 Because I am a free american. 484 00:18:37,138 --> 00:18:40,540 - No cigars inside, sir. - Fine. 485 00:18:40,608 --> 00:18:42,709 I will smoke the entire thing outside. 486 00:18:42,777 --> 00:18:45,879 Even though it is bad for me, I am going to do it. 487 00:18:45,947 --> 00:18:48,148 - Why is he being such an ass? 488 00:18:48,216 --> 00:18:51,218 - Oh, it's a long story. - Yaah! 489 00:18:51,286 --> 00:18:53,053 It's freezing outside. 490 00:18:53,121 --> 00:18:54,988 So I will not be smoking this cigar. 491 00:18:55,056 --> 00:18:57,991 But rest assured, I could if I wanted to because this-- 492 00:18:58,059 --> 00:19:00,127 - This is america, right? Is it? 493 00:19:00,194 --> 00:19:02,396 May I speak with you, please? 494 00:19:02,463 --> 00:19:05,565 Look, I don't know if you're being a jerk on purpose 495 00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,601 Just to prove you have the right to be a jerk, 496 00:19:07,669 --> 00:19:09,002 But either way, you're being a jerk. 497 00:19:09,070 --> 00:19:11,338 So here, take the booze chart. 498 00:19:11,406 --> 00:19:12,673 - You kidding me? - No. 499 00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:14,441 If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay? 500 00:19:14,509 --> 00:19:16,343 I'm gonna head out. 501 00:19:16,411 --> 00:19:18,612 By the way, maybe it's none of my business, 502 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,881 But if you eat three pounds of steak every day, 503 00:19:20,948 --> 00:19:22,449 You're gonna die. 504 00:19:22,517 --> 00:19:25,118 And although I've already written your eulogy, 505 00:19:25,186 --> 00:19:27,187 And it's incredibly touching, 506 00:19:27,255 --> 00:19:30,757 I would prefer not to give it for a while. 507 00:19:30,825 --> 00:19:32,659 The first line, by the way, 508 00:19:32,727 --> 00:19:37,397 "o captain! My captain! Ron swanson, a swan song." 509 00:19:37,465 --> 00:19:41,768 Yeah. And it gets better from there! 510 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,543 - April. April. 511 00:19:49,610 --> 00:19:50,711 You want to watch me rollerblade 512 00:19:50,778 --> 00:19:52,045 In the parking lot after work? 513 00:19:52,113 --> 00:19:53,947 I'm pretty awesome. I used to be really good. 514 00:19:54,015 --> 00:19:55,716 That was, like, 70 pounds ago. 515 00:19:55,783 --> 00:19:58,518 - I can't. I'm kind of busy. 516 00:19:58,586 --> 00:20:01,888 - Aw, that's lame. Tomorrow. 517 00:20:01,956 --> 00:20:07,027 - Maybe. I don't know. 518 00:20:07,095 --> 00:20:09,329 - Okay. Bye. 519 00:20:09,397 --> 00:20:11,998 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! 520 00:20:12,066 --> 00:20:16,503 Just kidding. I don't fall. Hee-hee. 521 00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:20,640 - I, uh... 522 00:20:21,843 --> 00:20:23,276 What are you eating? 523 00:20:23,344 --> 00:20:24,644 - I didn't have time to have breakfast. 524 00:20:24,712 --> 00:20:27,247 - I'm gonna toss these in the dumpster outside 525 00:20:27,315 --> 00:20:30,717 And I don't want to see you digging around in there later. 526 00:20:34,922 --> 00:20:39,626 I am sorry. I have been a horse's ass. 527 00:20:41,028 --> 00:20:42,696 And... 528 00:20:42,764 --> 00:20:44,798 That is the end of what I have to say. 529 00:20:44,866 --> 00:20:46,633 - Apology accepted. 530 00:20:50,905 --> 00:20:54,841 Put a coat on, it's freezing outside. 531 00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:56,841 Sync by l3ob@yyets www.addic7ed.com 532 00:20:59,197 --> 00:21:01,532 - [mimicking spooky voice] jerry. 533 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,936 Jerry! 534 00:21:06,004 --> 00:21:10,674 This is the ghost of dj roomba. 535 00:21:10,742 --> 00:21:12,810 Why did you kill me? 536 00:21:12,877 --> 00:21:15,479 I'm gonna haunt you, jerry. 537 00:21:15,547 --> 00:21:18,382 I'm gonna follow you and play the black eyed peas 538 00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:20,351 On a nonstop loop. 539 00:21:20,418 --> 00:21:22,586 - * let's burn the roof * 540 00:21:22,654 --> 00:21:24,955 - * and then we'll do it again * 541 00:21:25,023 --> 00:21:26,156 - * let's do it * 542 00:21:26,224 --> 00:21:27,558 * let's do it, let's do it * 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net