1
00:00:02,834 --> 00:00:04,268
But we scheduled for
this time on this field.
2
00:00:04,535 --> 00:00:05,635
Okay, this is no way for adults
3
00:00:05,703 --> 00:00:06,903
to act in front of children.
4
00:00:06,971 --> 00:00:08,137
You're not only coaches,
you're also role models.
5
00:00:08,205 --> 00:00:09,305
[Scoffs].
6
00:00:09,373 --> 00:00:14,206
I would hardly call
what he does coaching.
7
00:00:14,274 --> 00:00:16,782
Oh...Wow.
Excellent role modeling.
8
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,944
Apparently, the girls'
team does not have a field
9
00:00:19,012 --> 00:00:21,994
assigned to them for practice,
but the boys' team does.
10
00:00:22,831 --> 00:00:25,274
No. Not on my watch.
11
00:00:25,342 --> 00:00:27,113
Every child has the right to play,
12
00:00:27,181 --> 00:00:28,819
no matter how boring the sport.
13
00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:30,931
Okay, could you
just share the field
14
00:00:30,999 --> 00:00:32,435
with the girls today, please?
15
00:00:32,502 --> 00:00:35,243
I'm the girls' coach.
She's the boys' coach.
16
00:00:35,311 --> 00:00:37,352
- Oh, okay, sorry.
- That's sexist.
17
00:00:37,420 --> 00:00:39,397
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it kind of is.
18
00:00:39,465 --> 00:00:41,871
Okay, why don't the
boys take the field today
19
00:00:41,939 --> 00:00:43,943
and then I will make
sure that the girls
20
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,249
get a place to practice
by the end of the week?
21
00:00:46,316 --> 00:00:49,723
And that, little lady,
is a Leslie Knope promise.
22
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:51,860
- I'm a boy.
- Good, yeah.
23
00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:53,128
'Cause I wasn't talking to you,
I was talking to you.
24
00:00:53,196 --> 00:00:54,329
You're a girl, right?
25
00:00:54,397 --> 00:00:57,002
- Yeah.
- Yep. She.
26
00:00:57,070 --> 00:01:07,975
Sync by honeybunny corrected dny238
www.Addic7ed.Com
27
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:19,436
mail's here.
28
00:01:19,504 --> 00:01:21,273
Oh! Hey.
29
00:01:21,341 --> 00:01:22,441
Jerry.
30
00:01:22,509 --> 00:01:24,778
You got soup all over
our mail. You jerk.
31
00:01:24,846 --> 00:01:26,113
Oh, my God.
32
00:01:26,181 --> 00:01:27,649
It's an envelope from the I.
O.W. Awards office.
33
00:01:27,717 --> 00:01:30,487
Nobody freak out.
34
00:01:30,554 --> 00:01:32,523
Do you know what this means?
35
00:01:32,591 --> 00:01:35,426
I am Pawnee's woman of the year.
36
00:01:35,494 --> 00:01:38,228
The I.O.W. Is the Indiana
organization of women.
37
00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:41,130
I have been a dues-paying
member since I was nine.
38
00:01:41,198 --> 00:01:43,165
And every year,
they choose one woman to win
39
00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:45,869
the Dorothy Everton Smythe
female empowerment award.
40
00:01:45,936 --> 00:01:48,271
Winning is every girl's dream.
41
00:01:48,339 --> 00:01:50,407
But it's my destiny.
42
00:01:50,475 --> 00:01:51,642
And my dream.
43
00:01:51,709 --> 00:01:53,010
Can you read it, please?
44
00:01:53,078 --> 00:01:55,580
Where my ladies at?
45
00:01:55,647 --> 00:01:57,716
Here we go.
46
00:01:57,783 --> 00:02:00,219
The I.O.W. Is proud
to announce this year's
47
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:01,954
Dorothy Everton Smythe
48
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,290
female empowerment award winner:
49
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,492
Ronald Swanson.
50
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,027
Ah-ha, okay, pretty funny.
51
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:08,194
It says Ronald Swanson.
52
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:09,763
What? No, no. No, it doesn't.
53
00:02:09,831 --> 00:02:11,566
I... that... no.
54
00:02:11,634 --> 00:02:13,435
That... what?
55
00:02:13,503 --> 00:02:15,070
They... they only honor women,
56
00:02:15,138 --> 00:02:16,438
and Ron's the opposite of a woman.
57
00:02:16,506 --> 00:02:17,873
What's going on?
58
00:02:17,941 --> 00:02:19,742
You're, um,
Pawnee's woman of the year,
59
00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:23,478
it looks like.
60
00:02:23,546 --> 00:02:25,580
- Well, it's about time.
- [laughs]
61
00:02:25,648 --> 00:02:26,882
No, no, no.
62
00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:28,250
They've obviously made
some sort of mistake.
63
00:02:28,318 --> 00:02:29,518
Bully for me.
64
00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:31,387
- Congratulations, Ron.
- Yeah, congratulations.
65
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:32,722
Congrats. It's very exciting.
66
00:02:32,790 --> 00:02:33,889
It's awesome.
67
00:02:33,957 --> 00:02:36,257
Awards are stupid.
68
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:39,360
Which is why I fully intend
to decline this nonsense
69
00:02:39,428 --> 00:02:41,362
and recommend it go to Leslie.
70
00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:45,700
Because she works
really hard and I don't.
71
00:02:45,768 --> 00:02:49,871
However, she cares way too
much about crap like this,
72
00:02:49,939 --> 00:02:52,574
which is why I can't
pass up this opportunity
73
00:02:52,641 --> 00:02:55,043
to tease her about it.
74
00:02:55,111 --> 00:02:56,978
Well, we can't
stand around all day
75
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,648
congratulating me on
receiving an award
76
00:02:59,716 --> 00:03:01,984
from some lousy
women's organization.
77
00:03:02,052 --> 00:03:04,019
Back to work, everyone.
78
00:03:05,655 --> 00:03:07,790
[Stutters]
79
00:03:07,858 --> 00:03:09,658
[Dance music]
80
00:03:09,726 --> 00:03:11,194
Hey, Freddy.
81
00:03:11,262 --> 00:03:12,929
Good news.
82
00:03:12,997 --> 00:03:16,266
Your liquor license
renewal got got, yo.
83
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:17,334
What do you mean by that?
84
00:03:17,401 --> 00:03:19,435
Oh, I got you temporary approval
85
00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:21,571
from the liquor board
pending full-board
86
00:03:21,638 --> 00:03:23,372
authorization and council review.
87
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,807
Got got.
88
00:03:24,875 --> 00:03:26,175
Thank you. Thank you so much.
89
00:03:26,243 --> 00:03:27,610
No worries.
90
00:03:27,678 --> 00:03:29,278
You know the Snakehole's my
favorite Pawnee hot spot.
91
00:03:29,346 --> 00:03:31,247
I wanna open up my
own club one day.
92
00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:33,249
Maybe call it something
like club-a-dub-dub
93
00:03:33,317 --> 00:03:35,151
or the clubmarine,
94
00:03:35,218 --> 00:03:37,353
sort of a submarine-themed club.
95
00:03:37,421 --> 00:03:40,056
Or Tom's bistro.
96
00:03:40,123 --> 00:03:42,491
The word bistro is
classy as [Bleep].
97
00:03:42,559 --> 00:03:44,193
Tom, man, we are looking for
98
00:03:44,261 --> 00:03:46,930
a few top quality
guys like yourself
99
00:03:46,998 --> 00:03:48,798
to become part owners.
100
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:51,200
A guy like you with your
political connections,
101
00:03:51,268 --> 00:03:52,635
I think you'd make a great asset.
102
00:03:52,702 --> 00:03:54,003
I agree.
103
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,637
That's why I got into
public service, to help me.
104
00:03:55,705 --> 00:03:58,340
All right. $10,000 a share.
105
00:03:58,408 --> 00:04:00,442
Need the money by Friday.
106
00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:03,946
$10,000. That's chump change.
107
00:04:04,013 --> 00:04:08,183
I will see you Friday with $10,000.
108
00:04:08,251 --> 00:04:11,620
All right, partner.
109
00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:13,555
I just don't get why the I.O.W.
110
00:04:13,622 --> 00:04:14,889
Would give that award to Ron.
111
00:04:14,957 --> 00:04:15,957
Yeah, that's a bummer.
112
00:04:16,024 --> 00:04:17,191
One, he's not a woman.
113
00:04:17,259 --> 00:04:19,995
And two, they mention
the camp Athena project
114
00:04:20,063 --> 00:04:21,163
in that letter.
115
00:04:21,230 --> 00:04:22,697
That's my project. I started that.
116
00:04:22,765 --> 00:04:24,132
It was my brainchild.
117
00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:26,567
Why would Ron start a
camp for troubled girls?
118
00:04:26,635 --> 00:04:28,335
- He wouldn't.
- Exactly.
119
00:04:28,403 --> 00:04:29,536
I deserve that award.
120
00:04:29,604 --> 00:04:31,871
That award is mine, not his.
It's mine.
121
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,005
You know what you should do...
122
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,239
I know, I already started a list.
123
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:36,040
"Write an email to Barack Obama.
124
00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,308
"Lock myself in my
office and scream
125
00:04:37,376 --> 00:04:38,475
until I lose my voice."
126
00:04:38,543 --> 00:04:39,642
That's all I have so far.
127
00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:40,910
I was gonna suggest
maybe you just go
128
00:04:40,978 --> 00:04:42,078
and talk to him.
129
00:04:42,145 --> 00:04:43,479
Oh.
130
00:04:43,547 --> 00:04:45,380
You're only gonna get
more resentful if you don't.
131
00:04:45,448 --> 00:04:46,381
[Sighs]
132
00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,316
[Cell phone rings]
133
00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:50,818
- Hey, Ann. How...
- Ann.
134
00:04:50,885 --> 00:04:52,386
I have so much I need
to tell you right now.
135
00:04:52,453 --> 00:04:54,387
Hey, Ann, Leslie would
like to talk to you
136
00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:56,055
for a moment, is that all right?
137
00:04:56,123 --> 00:04:57,856
Good.
138
00:04:57,924 --> 00:04:59,424
Jean-Ralphio.
139
00:04:59,492 --> 00:05:02,193
Big t, what it do, nephew?
140
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,927
[Both making whooshing sounds]
141
00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:06,029
Jean-Ralphio,
142
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,964
I have a hot investment opportunity
143
00:05:08,032 --> 00:05:09,632
that you are gonna
wanna jump all over.
144
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:10,800
Hit me with it, daddy.
145
00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:13,034
- The Snakehole lounge...
- Heard of it.
146
00:05:13,102 --> 00:05:15,337
- Is looking for investors.
- No way.
147
00:05:15,404 --> 00:05:16,505
Yesterday if you
would have asked me,
148
00:05:16,573 --> 00:05:17,741
I would have said no, but thank God
149
00:05:17,808 --> 00:05:19,708
my grandfather just died so I am
150
00:05:19,776 --> 00:05:23,244
* fluh-ush with cah-ash *
151
00:05:23,312 --> 00:05:24,412
awesome.
152
00:05:24,479 --> 00:05:25,946
I have 4,000 bucks.
153
00:05:26,014 --> 00:05:27,914
All I need you to do is kick in 6gs
154
00:05:27,982 --> 00:05:30,449
and then you and I are part owners
155
00:05:30,517 --> 00:05:32,017
of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee.
156
00:05:32,085 --> 00:05:33,752
Also, sorry about your grandpa.
157
00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:35,988
No worries, he was a Dick.
Here's the thing.
158
00:05:36,056 --> 00:05:39,158
I can kick in 5gs.
That should be enough, right?
159
00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:41,593
No, it's not enough.
I just said I need 6gs.
160
00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:42,728
What about your trust fund?
161
00:05:42,795 --> 00:05:43,962
My parents had it amended.
162
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:45,196
I don't get anything until I'm 50,
163
00:05:45,264 --> 00:05:46,397
which is a waste,
'cause I'm gonna be
164
00:05:46,465 --> 00:05:48,332
a billionaire in
Costa Rica by then,
165
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,834
eating dolphins and hanging
out with lady singers.
166
00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:52,536
It's not a huge deal.
Just sit tight.
167
00:05:52,604 --> 00:05:54,104
I'll take care of it.
168
00:05:54,172 --> 00:05:55,271
You wanna come home with me?
169
00:05:55,339 --> 00:05:58,074
Don't you work at
lady foot locker?
170
00:05:58,141 --> 00:05:59,908
Look, if you're
not gonna pay rent,
171
00:05:59,976 --> 00:06:01,676
at least clean up your dishes.
172
00:06:01,744 --> 00:06:04,345
Ugh! Is that all?
173
00:06:04,413 --> 00:06:05,513
No.
174
00:06:05,580 --> 00:06:07,881
Also, the bag of smells
was a fun experiment,
175
00:06:07,949 --> 00:06:09,048
but it has to stop.
176
00:06:09,116 --> 00:06:10,416
Come on.
177
00:06:10,484 --> 00:06:12,751
Now... no, we're finally starting
to get serious results.
178
00:06:12,819 --> 00:06:14,820
Andy, dude, I love you.
179
00:06:14,888 --> 00:06:18,858
But shape up or move out.
180
00:06:18,925 --> 00:06:20,125
What's going on?
181
00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:21,727
The guitarist from my
band is driving me crazy.
182
00:06:21,794 --> 00:06:23,327
He's such a control freak.
183
00:06:23,395 --> 00:06:25,828
[Imitating roommate] Uh,
that's not a working fireplace, Andy.
184
00:06:25,896 --> 00:06:28,397
Stop writing phone
messages on the wall, Andy.
185
00:06:28,465 --> 00:06:29,698
Dude, seriously, I love you,
186
00:06:29,766 --> 00:06:32,166
but stop digging that weird
hole in the backyard.
187
00:06:32,234 --> 00:06:33,468
Is mouse rat gonna break up?
188
00:06:33,536 --> 00:06:35,137
Well, we're not
mouse rat anymore.
189
00:06:35,205 --> 00:06:36,505
We changed it to Tackleshaft.
190
00:06:36,573 --> 00:06:37,672
Oh.
191
00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:39,774
I should just get my own place.
192
00:06:39,842 --> 00:06:41,976
You should. I'll help you.
193
00:06:42,044 --> 00:06:44,111
- You could help me?
- Yeah, that'd be fun.
194
00:06:44,179 --> 00:06:47,180
April, you're like
an angel with no wings.
195
00:06:47,248 --> 00:06:48,815
So like a person.
196
00:06:48,883 --> 00:06:51,751
[Approaching footsteps]
197
00:06:51,819 --> 00:06:53,919
Hey. What's in the envelope?
198
00:06:53,987 --> 00:06:57,289
Nothing. You wanted to see me?
199
00:06:57,357 --> 00:06:59,491
I think the Pawnee
chapter of the I.O.W.
200
00:06:59,559 --> 00:07:00,592
Has a made a little mistake.
201
00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,094
RR, RR, RR. Really?
202
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:06,197
You're saying a women's
organization made a mistake?
203
00:07:06,264 --> 00:07:07,765
I was as surprised as you were.
204
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:09,133
But the fact is,
205
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,967
they only give that award to women.
206
00:07:11,035 --> 00:07:12,269
Hmm.
207
00:07:12,336 --> 00:07:14,704
Well, it definitely said
Ron Swanson in the letter.
208
00:07:14,771 --> 00:07:17,338
Yeah, but it also
mentioned my camp project.
209
00:07:17,406 --> 00:07:18,772
Ah, yes, camp Xena.
210
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:20,173
Athena. Camp Athena.
211
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,541
You don't even know the name.
212
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,042
Oh, I almost got it.
It was pretty close.
213
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,543
- No.
- Look, Leslie.
214
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,112
Your job, which you're great at,
215
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,346
is making me look good.
216
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,549
Which you've clearly done well
217
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:32,984
because I'm getting an award.
218
00:07:33,051 --> 00:07:34,685
Right?
219
00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:36,687
- Yeah?
- Be proud of yourself.
220
00:07:36,755 --> 00:07:38,455
I mean, you deserve an award.
221
00:07:38,523 --> 00:07:41,524
Not this one, obviously.
This one belongs to me.
222
00:07:41,592 --> 00:07:43,159
But some other one.
223
00:07:43,227 --> 00:07:45,794
Some other lesser award.
224
00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:47,095
And if the shoe were
on the other foot
225
00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:49,864
and you won the award,
I would have congratulated you.
226
00:07:52,334 --> 00:07:53,434
[Softly] Congratulations, Ron.
227
00:07:53,502 --> 00:07:57,237
- What's that?
- You heard me.
228
00:07:57,305 --> 00:07:58,472
You promised the girls a field
229
00:07:58,539 --> 00:07:59,839
by the end of this week.
230
00:07:59,907 --> 00:08:03,476
Well, it's a man's world,
Winston, get used to it.
231
00:08:03,543 --> 00:08:06,445
I'm a man.
232
00:08:06,513 --> 00:08:08,313
You know who you should talk to?
233
00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:09,481
Ron Swanson.
234
00:08:09,549 --> 00:08:11,283
He's an award winning
public servant.
235
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:12,517
He's the guy that's
gonna help you out.
236
00:08:12,585 --> 00:08:14,719
Go on in there.
237
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:18,055
'Scuse me.
Ron, someone's coming in.
238
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,190
Hi.
239
00:08:19,257 --> 00:08:21,224
Leslie said I should
come over here.
240
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:22,559
If you don't get
credit for your work,
241
00:08:22,626 --> 00:08:24,494
why bother doing it?
242
00:08:24,562 --> 00:08:26,862
Because I love it.
243
00:08:26,930 --> 00:08:28,597
But I'm gonna make a point.
244
00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:33,884
This VIP card gives
you exclusive access
245
00:08:33,952 --> 00:08:36,753
to the investment
opportunity of a lifetime.
246
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:39,155
Where: Multipurpose room f.
247
00:08:39,222 --> 00:08:41,323
When: 3:00 P.M.
248
00:08:41,391 --> 00:08:43,692
Dress code: Black tie optional.
249
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,227
Just like life.
250
00:08:46,295 --> 00:08:48,329
Hey, you want to see me?
251
00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:52,565
Yes, yes,
just hang on one second.
252
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,033
I'm doing my official portrait
253
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,835
for the I.U.D.
Awards dinner program.
254
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,405
I.O.W.
255
00:08:58,473 --> 00:09:01,109
No, this portrait is
not official in any way.
256
00:09:01,177 --> 00:09:02,510
I'm paying for it myself.
257
00:09:02,578 --> 00:09:05,146
Did you need me?
258
00:09:05,214 --> 00:09:07,749
Because some of us actually
do work around here.
259
00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:10,718
Work that often goes unrewarded.
260
00:09:10,786 --> 00:09:12,620
I need your opinion.
261
00:09:12,688 --> 00:09:15,456
Which of these objects
most represents women
262
00:09:15,524 --> 00:09:17,289
for this portrait?
263
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,989
A pot?
264
00:09:20,057 --> 00:09:24,026
Or this deputy director Barbie?
265
00:09:24,094 --> 00:09:25,260
Isn't it adorable?
266
00:09:25,328 --> 00:09:27,696
She's got a little briefcase,
her cell phone...
267
00:09:27,763 --> 00:09:30,331
[High-pitched voice] I'm going
to help my boss win an award.
268
00:09:30,399 --> 00:09:32,700
How's the, uh,
scheduling conflict
269
00:09:32,768 --> 00:09:33,968
with the soccer teams going?
270
00:09:34,035 --> 00:09:35,002
Take care of that, did you?
271
00:09:35,070 --> 00:09:37,304
Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.
272
00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:38,605
That's not really the attitude
273
00:09:38,673 --> 00:09:40,273
I expect from an award winner.
274
00:09:40,341 --> 00:09:42,342
Everything I do is the attitude
275
00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:46,479
of an award winner because
I've won an award.
276
00:09:46,546 --> 00:09:49,080
So what kind of place
are you looking for?
277
00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:51,215
I can afford, like,
300 bucks a month.
278
00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:53,750
I've always wanted a
doorman named Ernie.
279
00:09:53,818 --> 00:09:55,151
That would be awesome. Or Kipp.
280
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,318
I'm pretty flexible on that.
281
00:09:56,386 --> 00:09:57,653
Here's a great one.
282
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,555
It's a Tudor mansion,
it's got seven rooms,
283
00:10:00,623 --> 00:10:03,024
four bathrooms,
it's got a tennis court,
284
00:10:03,092 --> 00:10:05,125
a pool, and a three-car garage.
285
00:10:05,193 --> 00:10:06,226
What?
286
00:10:06,294 --> 00:10:08,595
And it's only $20,000 a month.
287
00:10:08,663 --> 00:10:10,029
And it's in Chicago.
288
00:10:10,097 --> 00:10:13,232
Aw. That close.
It was almost perfect.
289
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,001
Actually, there are a
couple cool places in here.
290
00:10:16,069 --> 00:10:17,703
- Let's go look at them.
- Now?
291
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,104
- Let's roll.
- Okay.
292
00:10:27,813 --> 00:10:30,047
Thank you all so much
for joining me today.
293
00:10:30,115 --> 00:10:31,548
I have two questions for you.
294
00:10:31,616 --> 00:10:34,150
One: Are you ready for the
investment opportunity
295
00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,318
of a lifetime?
296
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,419
And two: Do any of
you have pacemakers
297
00:10:37,487 --> 00:10:38,587
or a history of epilepsy?
298
00:10:38,655 --> 00:10:39,688
Yes, both.
299
00:10:39,756 --> 00:10:42,357
- Anybody, no?... right.
- Both.
300
00:10:42,425 --> 00:10:46,227
[Frenetic club music]
301
00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:48,329
Ladies.
302
00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:50,664
* *
303
00:10:50,732 --> 00:10:54,600
Jay-z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge.
304
00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:59,104
Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki.
305
00:10:59,171 --> 00:11:00,472
Are these real people?
306
00:11:00,539 --> 00:11:03,040
Cash Warren. And Dennis Rodman.
307
00:11:03,108 --> 00:11:04,608
These are just a few
of the celebrities
308
00:11:04,676 --> 00:11:07,944
that wish they could invest
in Pawnee's hottest club.
309
00:11:08,012 --> 00:11:10,980
But they caaaaan't!
310
00:11:11,048 --> 00:11:13,382
And you can for the
small price of only
311
00:11:13,449 --> 00:11:17,183
[echoing] $1,000.
312
00:11:17,251 --> 00:11:21,520
The only question is,
who's gonna be my partner?
313
00:11:21,588 --> 00:11:23,021
Mark, I'm talking to you.
314
00:11:23,089 --> 00:11:24,456
Donna, I'm talking to you.
315
00:11:24,523 --> 00:11:26,424
Jerry, I'm talking to you.
316
00:11:26,492 --> 00:11:29,827
Mark, I'm talking to you.
317
00:11:29,895 --> 00:11:32,996
26 certificates, plaques,
ribbons, trophies,
318
00:11:33,063 --> 00:11:35,197
medals, and miscellany
certifying that I am
319
00:11:35,265 --> 00:11:36,998
the kind of person who
deserves recognition
320
00:11:37,065 --> 00:11:38,665
for her achievements.
321
00:11:38,733 --> 00:11:39,932
What do you have, Ron?
322
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,468
I have the Dorothy
everytime Smurf girl trophy
323
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,337
for excellence in female stuff.
324
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,572
Dorothy Everton Smythe.
I swear to God...
325
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,007
Leslie.
326
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:52,444
Before you continue,
please read this.
327
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,845
Another organization
giving you credit
328
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:58,481
for something you didn't do?
329
00:11:58,549 --> 00:12:02,183
"I, Ron Swanson, recognize that
330
00:12:02,251 --> 00:12:04,821
"Leslie Knope should have
received the I.O.W. Award
331
00:12:04,889 --> 00:12:06,790
"for all the hard
work she has done,
332
00:12:06,857 --> 00:12:08,758
"especially for the
camp Athena project.
333
00:12:08,826 --> 00:12:12,895
"However, in my opinion,
she is far too concerned
334
00:12:12,963 --> 00:12:15,097
with institutional gratification."
335
00:12:15,165 --> 00:12:16,432
No, I'm not.
336
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:20,737
"So I'm gonna let her
dangle in order to show her
337
00:12:20,805 --> 00:12:24,709
that awards are bull... crap."
338
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,578
Come on, Leslie,
you know I'm not sexist.
339
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:27,912
I love powerful women.
340
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:30,582
Well, you do attend a
shocking number of WNBA games.
341
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:34,018
I'm just saying that
awards are political.
342
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,254
And everybody has an agenda.
343
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,888
You spend your life chasing them,
344
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:39,222
you'll drive yourself nuts.
345
00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:40,590
Yeah, all right.
346
00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:43,156
But Dorothy Everton Smythe
was a trailblazing feminist.
347
00:12:43,223 --> 00:12:44,889
She was the first woman in Pawnee
348
00:12:44,957 --> 00:12:46,623
to wear pants on a Sunday.
349
00:12:46,691 --> 00:12:48,223
She spent four years
in jail for that.
350
00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:50,590
I know I'm not supposed to
care about these things,
351
00:12:50,658 --> 00:12:55,094
but this one means a lot.
352
00:12:55,162 --> 00:12:58,931
* I know you've been changing *
353
00:12:58,998 --> 00:13:01,466
the acoustics in the
bathroom are insane.
354
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:03,767
So, um, how much
is this one again?
355
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:07,168
Uh, this one is $425
a month plus utilities.
356
00:13:07,236 --> 00:13:08,636
Hmm. I like it.
357
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:10,671
Uh, it seems to have...
358
00:13:10,738 --> 00:13:13,106
A lot of potential and...
359
00:13:13,173 --> 00:13:16,677
A lot of advantages, per Se.
360
00:13:16,746 --> 00:13:17,813
Could definitely picture myself
361
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:22,718
doing something over there.
362
00:13:22,785 --> 00:13:24,686
You hear that?
363
00:13:24,753 --> 00:13:26,654
What is that?
364
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:27,988
It's still on.
365
00:13:28,056 --> 00:13:29,323
You can light a match
to get rid of that smell.
366
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,558
I feel really good about this.
367
00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:33,960
- Really?
- It screams Andy Dwyer.
368
00:13:34,028 --> 00:13:36,429
And I live nearby,
so we could, like,
369
00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:37,663
carpool to work or something.
370
00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:38,864
- Oh, are you serious?
- Yep.
371
00:13:38,932 --> 00:13:40,765
The scream just got louder.
372
00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:42,133
Uh, so what do you think?
373
00:13:42,201 --> 00:13:45,869
I don't know, make me an offer.
374
00:13:45,937 --> 00:13:48,605
Okay. First come, first served.
375
00:13:48,673 --> 00:13:50,340
Who's in? Jerry.
376
00:13:50,408 --> 00:13:51,674
Oh, geez, Tom.
377
00:13:51,742 --> 00:13:54,210
If I spend any more than 25 bucks,
I gotta ask my wife.
378
00:13:54,277 --> 00:13:57,045
- Jerry, get out.
- Okay.
379
00:13:57,113 --> 00:13:58,647
[Imitating Ann] Mark,
what are we doing tonight?
380
00:13:58,715 --> 00:14:00,882
[Imitating mark] Oh,
I don't know, Ann.
381
00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,817
We could do the usual boring stuff
382
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,653
like eat some chicken
salad with some crackers
383
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,887
or watch the pay-per-view.
384
00:14:06,954 --> 00:14:08,522
Or...
385
00:14:08,589 --> 00:14:11,791
We could go to my nightclub
and do some dancin'.
386
00:14:11,859 --> 00:14:13,059
I don't think so, man.
387
00:14:13,126 --> 00:14:15,627
You'd never have
to beg for sex again.
388
00:14:15,695 --> 00:14:17,095
I don't wanna get
into this, really,
389
00:14:17,163 --> 00:14:19,464
but I don't beg for sex now.
390
00:14:19,531 --> 00:14:21,498
Forget about that, mark.
Are you in or out?
391
00:14:21,566 --> 00:14:23,567
Just not really my thing.
392
00:14:23,635 --> 00:14:27,103
Bye, mark.
393
00:14:27,171 --> 00:14:28,471
Cindy.
394
00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:29,738
* Donna *
395
00:14:29,806 --> 00:14:31,573
maybe. I like the Snakehole.
396
00:14:31,641 --> 00:14:33,642
Plus, I would look
good pulling into
397
00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:36,477
my owner's parking
space in my Mercedes.
398
00:14:36,545 --> 00:14:38,545
Just to be clear,
you wouldn't be an owner per Se.
399
00:14:38,613 --> 00:14:40,179
You, me, and my boy jean-Ralphio
400
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,148
would each own part of a share.
401
00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:43,749
Will that be cash or check?
402
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:44,984
Not so fast.
403
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,152
I'd like to know who
I'm in business with.
404
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,420
I wanna meet your boy.
405
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:50,856
Come here. This lady's here.
406
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:54,426
Hi. I'm Elise Yarktin.
I'm with the I.O.W.
407
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:57,427
I'm...Woman of the year,
Ron Swanson.
408
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:58,728
Yes, I know.
409
00:14:58,796 --> 00:15:00,196
We are very excited
to be presenting you
410
00:15:00,264 --> 00:15:01,431
with the Smythe award.
411
00:15:01,498 --> 00:15:03,633
That's what I called
you to talk about.
412
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,235
I don't know if I can
take all the excitement.
413
00:15:06,302 --> 00:15:09,704
So I think the award should
go to miss Knope here.
414
00:15:09,772 --> 00:15:10,872
Hello.
415
00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:12,407
She's the one who
really deserves it.
416
00:15:12,475 --> 00:15:15,110
Camp Athena was her idea,
she did all the work.
417
00:15:15,177 --> 00:15:16,278
You made a mistake.
418
00:15:16,345 --> 00:15:18,879
Uh, we didn't make a mistake.
419
00:15:18,947 --> 00:15:21,415
We made a very conscious
decision this year
420
00:15:21,482 --> 00:15:22,949
to choose a man.
421
00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:24,150
Why?
422
00:15:24,218 --> 00:15:26,085
Well, uh, every year
we give it to a woman,
423
00:15:26,153 --> 00:15:27,853
and frankly nobody cares.
424
00:15:27,921 --> 00:15:29,821
Yeah, the media has
all but written us off
425
00:15:29,889 --> 00:15:32,023
as a niche interest group.
426
00:15:32,091 --> 00:15:35,359
But if you give a woman's award to
427
00:15:35,427 --> 00:15:38,796
a mustachioed, masculine
man such as yourself,
428
00:15:38,863 --> 00:15:41,097
well, then, eventually
people take notice.
429
00:15:41,165 --> 00:15:43,232
I don't want the damn thing.
430
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,400
Well, we're giving it to you.
431
00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,735
So you're gonna take it.
432
00:15:46,802 --> 00:15:47,902
Like a man.
433
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:51,604
So congratulations.
434
00:15:51,672 --> 00:15:53,706
The I.O.W.
Is a bunch of sexist jerks
435
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,674
who need to get back in the
kitchen where they belong
436
00:15:55,743 --> 00:15:58,312
and leave the real feminist
work to actual feminists
437
00:15:58,380 --> 00:15:59,647
like Ron Swanson!
438
00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:01,816
Oh, my God, what is happening?
439
00:16:03,905 --> 00:16:06,138
Now do you see how
silly these things are?
440
00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:07,306
Unbelievable.
441
00:16:07,373 --> 00:16:08,573
Obviously,
I'm just gonna decline it.
442
00:16:08,641 --> 00:16:09,907
No, I want you to accept it.
443
00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:11,243
I want you to go to the
podium and talk about
444
00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:12,443
how stupid awards are.
445
00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:14,611
And how they're superficial
and meaningless.
446
00:16:14,679 --> 00:16:17,013
I want you to rip
awards a new a-hole.
447
00:16:17,081 --> 00:16:19,048
Now we're talking.
I'll tell you what.
448
00:16:19,116 --> 00:16:21,383
You write the speech,
don't pull your punches.
449
00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:23,017
I won't. I'm gonna
push my punches.
450
00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:24,652
As far as my fist can extend.
451
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,353
Atta girl.
452
00:16:26,421 --> 00:16:27,454
Kind of.
453
00:16:27,522 --> 00:16:31,257
What up, big t? Stop.
454
00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:33,192
This must be the lovely Donna.
455
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,993
Enchante.
456
00:16:35,061 --> 00:16:37,128
Listen, beautiful,
let's cut the bull.
457
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,230
Right? You want this.
458
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,931
I definitely want this.
T.H. Wants this.
459
00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:42,399
[Makes explosion sound]
460
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:45,469
Let's seal this devil's
threeway right here, right now.
461
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,370
Step one: We buy into this club.
462
00:16:47,438 --> 00:16:49,505
Step two: We roll over to the club,
463
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:51,907
either in your Mercedes-Benz
or my pre-owned Acura legend.
464
00:16:51,974 --> 00:16:55,410
Step three: I dagger
you on the dance floor,
465
00:16:55,478 --> 00:16:56,711
just bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce.
466
00:16:56,779 --> 00:16:57,980
* and now all the ladies say *
467
00:16:58,047 --> 00:16:59,881
* bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce *
468
00:16:59,949 --> 00:17:01,382
what do you say, sexy?
469
00:17:01,450 --> 00:17:03,451
- I'm out.
- Why?
470
00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:06,353
I hate that guy.
471
00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:07,987
[Sighs]
472
00:17:08,055 --> 00:17:09,789
Oh, Mr. Swanson.
473
00:17:09,857 --> 00:17:12,491
Hi, welcome to the I.O.W. Awards,
474
00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:14,960
and congratulations on winning.
475
00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:16,127
Yay.
476
00:17:16,195 --> 00:17:18,229
Well, here is your awards packet,
477
00:17:18,296 --> 00:17:19,830
and, uh, if you
will just follow me,
478
00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:21,163
uh, we're gonna have a
little meet and greet
479
00:17:21,231 --> 00:17:22,331
before the ceremony.
480
00:17:22,399 --> 00:17:24,199
- Okay.
- Great.
481
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,367
Oh, um, no, I'm sorry,
482
00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:27,469
this area is for
award winners only.
483
00:17:27,537 --> 00:17:29,806
Oh, get over yourself, Elise.
484
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,642
Work on the speech.
Let's nail these women.
485
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:33,909
You know what I mean.
486
00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:35,243
Yeah.
487
00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:37,011
I don't know, Andy.
What's it all about?
488
00:17:37,079 --> 00:17:38,947
What's the secret?
489
00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:40,081
Yeah.
490
00:17:40,149 --> 00:17:41,516
Why is it so hard
to become a mogul?
491
00:17:41,584 --> 00:17:43,484
All I want in life
is to own a nightclub
492
00:17:43,552 --> 00:17:44,919
on every continent.
493
00:17:44,986 --> 00:17:46,320
Have my own line of
upscale sweat suits
494
00:17:46,388 --> 00:17:47,888
and a cologne called Tommy fresh.
495
00:17:47,955 --> 00:17:49,923
And I fell $1,000 short.
496
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:52,525
Seriously? That's all you needed?
497
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,194
Tom, I have $1,000.
You can have it.
498
00:17:54,261 --> 00:17:55,862
Thanks, Andy,
but I can't take your money.
499
00:17:55,930 --> 00:17:57,430
I'm a singer-songwriter.
500
00:17:57,498 --> 00:18:00,600
The two lines I put into
every song I've ever sang,
501
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:01,901
"spread your wings and fly"
502
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,502
and "you deserve to be a champion."
503
00:18:03,569 --> 00:18:05,637
You're telling me that all you need
504
00:18:05,704 --> 00:18:08,640
is $1,000 to do your dreams?
505
00:18:08,708 --> 00:18:11,709
Then I want you to have it.
506
00:18:11,776 --> 00:18:14,011
Are you sure about this?
507
00:18:14,078 --> 00:18:15,579
Maybe.
508
00:18:15,646 --> 00:18:17,046
You know how happy
you just made me?
509
00:18:17,113 --> 00:18:18,213
[Laughs]
510
00:18:18,281 --> 00:18:20,515
He's the director of the Pawnee
511
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:22,283
parks and recreation department.
512
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,751
He is also the recipient
of this year's
513
00:18:24,819 --> 00:18:28,186
Dorothy Everton Smythe
female empowerment award.
514
00:18:28,254 --> 00:18:30,856
Please put your hands
together for Mr. Ron Swanson.
515
00:18:30,923 --> 00:18:33,925
[Cheers and applause]
516
00:18:41,733 --> 00:18:44,434
Thank you, thank you.
517
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:47,737
Every award from
the smallest trophy
518
00:18:47,805 --> 00:18:50,172
to the Nobel prize
519
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,942
is nothing more than...
520
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,548
Is nothing more than a great way
521
00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:03,183
to honor someone.
522
00:19:03,251 --> 00:19:05,319
So I would like to
present this year's
523
00:19:05,386 --> 00:19:08,054
Dottie English whatever award
524
00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:10,856
to the person who
actually deserves it.
525
00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,991
Leslie Knope.
Come on up here, Leslie.
526
00:19:13,059 --> 00:19:16,061
[Cheers and applause]
527
00:19:18,898 --> 00:19:20,064
Thank you.
528
00:19:20,132 --> 00:19:22,400
I don't know what to say.
529
00:19:22,468 --> 00:19:25,102
Um, honestly, I'm just very honored
530
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:27,137
to work for someone
as insightful and kind
531
00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:29,339
as my boss.
532
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:32,442
So I would like to
present this year's
533
00:19:32,509 --> 00:19:34,710
Dorothy Everton Smythe award
534
00:19:34,778 --> 00:19:39,447
to Ron Swanson.
535
00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:42,349
I don't want it.
Just take the damn thing.
536
00:19:42,417 --> 00:19:43,484
- You deserve it.
- No, no, really.
537
00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:44,752
No, Ron, you deserve it.
538
00:19:44,819 --> 00:19:45,919
Really, but I don't want it.
539
00:19:45,987 --> 00:19:47,253
But you won it,
and you should win it.
540
00:19:47,321 --> 00:19:49,054
After that whole conversation...
541
00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:50,255
- I'm being ridiculous.
- If you don't...
542
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:51,423
Could someone
please just take it?
543
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:52,657
Okay, I'll take it.
544
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,092
Who do I speak to about
getting this changed?
545
00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:55,593
Get off the stage.
546
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:59,030
I still think awards are stupid.
547
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,531
But they'd be less
stupid if they went to
548
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,601
the right people.
549
00:20:07,438 --> 00:20:09,139
You gave Tom all your money?
550
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,274
Yeah. Well, I'm investing.
551
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:13,710
I'm like Warren "Buffay."
552
00:20:13,778 --> 00:20:15,044
I kind of feel like
it would have been
553
00:20:15,112 --> 00:20:16,379
good for you to
have your own place.
554
00:20:16,447 --> 00:20:18,014
Ah, yeah, I know.
555
00:20:18,081 --> 00:20:22,017
But I feel like Tom
really needed the money.
556
00:20:22,085 --> 00:20:23,985
And small sacrifice to see
one of your best friend's
557
00:20:24,053 --> 00:20:26,921
dreams come true.
558
00:20:26,989 --> 00:20:30,024
[Scoffs]
559
00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:31,192
They cropped you out.
560
00:20:31,259 --> 00:20:32,560
Figures.
561
00:20:32,628 --> 00:20:34,928
So where are you gonna put it?
562
00:20:34,996 --> 00:20:36,230
Uh, I have an idea.
563
00:20:36,298 --> 00:20:38,265
One...
564
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:41,335
Both: Two, three.
565
00:20:44,271 --> 00:20:47,273
[Chuckles]
566
00:20:55,909 --> 00:20:56,909
What's up?
567
00:20:56,976 --> 00:20:58,409
Hey, guys. How long
did you wait in line?
568
00:20:58,477 --> 00:21:00,044
I didn't wait at all.
I'm a part owner.
569
00:21:00,111 --> 00:21:02,445
Freddy. I'm back.
570
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:03,979
Tom Haverford, part owner.
571
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:05,747
Let me know if you need anything.
572
00:21:05,815 --> 00:21:07,381
Keep this booth warm
for me every night.
573
00:21:07,449 --> 00:21:08,950
I'm gonna live in this booth.
574
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:10,951
[Chuckles]
575
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,953
Yes, sir.
576
00:21:15,021 --> 00:21:17,088
Donna?
577
00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:18,223
What are you doing here?
578
00:21:18,290 --> 00:21:20,457
I bought three shares.
Thanks for the tip.
579
00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:24,458
Sync by honeybunny corrected dny238
www.Addic7ed.Com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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