1
00:00:00,417 --> 00:00:01,917
I need you guys to come
to the Snakehole Lounge tonight
2
00:00:01,918 --> 00:00:02,851
to help me with something.
3
00:00:03,009 --> 00:00:04,199
Yeah, no, tonight's not good.
4
00:00:04,309 --> 00:00:05,278
No can do.
5
00:00:05,279 --> 00:00:06,445
I'm on a cleanse.
6
00:00:06,513 --> 00:00:08,147
Please.
This is important.
7
00:00:08,215 --> 00:00:11,817
I'm launching my new high-end,
Kahlua-style liqueur,
8
00:00:11,885 --> 00:00:13,319
"Snakejuice".
9
00:00:13,387 --> 00:00:16,289
Sounds like you took a snake
and twisted it like a rag
10
00:00:16,356 --> 00:00:18,190
until its blood
and guts came out.
11
00:00:18,258 --> 00:00:19,959
Ha ha ha.
Eww.
12
00:00:20,027 --> 00:00:21,260
What does Kahlua-style mean?
13
00:00:21,328 --> 00:00:22,662
I mix a bunch
of alcohol together,
14
00:00:22,729 --> 00:00:24,830
I add some sugar and coffee
and some other junk,
15
00:00:24,898 --> 00:00:26,532
and it kind of tastes
like Kahlua.
16
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,935
I can only drink warm
tap water with cayenne pepper.
17
00:00:29,002 --> 00:00:30,436
Fine.
Then don't drink it.
18
00:00:30,504 --> 00:00:32,271
Just get other people
to drink it, okay?
19
00:00:32,339 --> 00:00:33,673
Meeting in one hour.
20
00:00:33,740 --> 00:00:36,375
If you don't make it,
you're on my done-zo list.
21
00:00:36,443 --> 00:00:38,444
Uh, what's a done-zo list?
22
00:00:38,512 --> 00:00:41,180
It means you and I
are done-zo...
23
00:00:41,248 --> 00:00:43,049
Hanging out, getting food
together, done-zo.
24
00:00:43,116 --> 00:00:44,817
You want to come over to
my house and play video games?
25
00:00:44,885 --> 00:00:46,118
Done-zo.
26
00:00:46,186 --> 00:00:47,820
Hey, tom, you want to come play
putt-putt with me?
27
00:00:47,888 --> 00:00:49,922
No, we're done-zo.
28
00:00:49,990 --> 00:00:52,458
Babe, we got to make
that meeting.
29
00:00:52,526 --> 00:01:02,461
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:01:12,612 --> 00:01:15,081
All right, let's start
with the personal stuff.
31
00:01:15,148 --> 00:01:16,582
- How's jessie?
- Who?
32
00:01:16,650 --> 00:01:18,551
- The photographer guy.
- Oh, yeah.
33
00:01:18,618 --> 00:01:20,419
We broke up.
I didn't tell you that?
34
00:01:20,487 --> 00:01:22,788
- Mm-mm! Why? I liked him.
- Yeah, I did too.
35
00:01:22,856 --> 00:01:24,690
I just... I couldn't deal
with his face.
36
00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:26,192
Huh.
37
00:01:26,259 --> 00:01:28,394
Do you think I could get that
book back that I loaned him?
38
00:01:28,462 --> 00:01:31,297
Oh, well, I'm technically
"out of the country."
39
00:01:31,365 --> 00:01:34,400
So I would have to call him
from a weird number.
40
00:01:34,468 --> 00:01:35,801
- Oh.
- Sorry.
41
00:01:35,869 --> 00:01:36,902
Never mind.
42
00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:38,471
But I'm seeing
this new guy, Mattias.
43
00:01:38,538 --> 00:01:41,073
You would love him.
He's a triple pisces.
44
00:01:41,141 --> 00:01:42,908
Uh-oh, looks like someone's
gonna be late for her meeting.
45
00:01:42,976 --> 00:01:44,210
I'll race you.
46
00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:46,012
Really?
Isn't that a little childish?
47
00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:47,780
Oh, ha ha ha.
Bye, Ann.
48
00:01:47,848 --> 00:01:49,315
Sorry, got to go.
Hey, move!
49
00:01:49,383 --> 00:01:50,816
Oh!
Councilman Howser, sorry.
50
00:01:50,884 --> 00:01:52,818
Nice to see you as always.
51
00:01:52,886 --> 00:01:54,754
Bye.
52
00:01:54,821 --> 00:01:56,956
Welcome to
Guerilla Marketing 101.
53
00:01:57,024 --> 00:01:58,958
What is Guerilla Marketing?
54
00:01:59,026 --> 00:02:00,826
A few ordinary schmoes...
no offense...
55
00:02:00,894 --> 00:02:03,429
have a casual conversation
next to some guy
56
00:02:03,497 --> 00:02:05,364
about how great Snakejuice is.
57
00:02:05,432 --> 00:02:07,533
Next thing you know that guy
58
00:02:07,601 --> 00:02:09,135
orders an whole bottle
of Snakejuice,
59
00:02:09,202 --> 00:02:10,536
and he has no idea why.
60
00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:14,874
Ron is going to play our
exciting Snakejuice drinker,
61
00:02:14,941 --> 00:02:17,977
AKA Brian Thunder.
62
00:02:18,045 --> 00:02:19,879
Jerry, you'll be playing
a boring beer drinker.
63
00:02:19,946 --> 00:02:21,213
Your name will be Jerry.
64
00:02:21,281 --> 00:02:25,618
Your talking points are
high-end, VIP, lifestyle.
65
00:02:25,685 --> 00:02:27,453
All right, let's run
through it once.
66
00:02:27,521 --> 00:02:29,288
And action!
67
00:02:29,356 --> 00:02:32,058
"The weather has been
so weird lately.
68
00:02:32,125 --> 00:02:34,126
Hey, let me buy
you all a drink."
69
00:02:34,194 --> 00:02:37,129
"I'll take something basic
like a beer."
70
00:02:37,197 --> 00:02:38,864
"Yeah, I'm pretty...
71
00:02:38,932 --> 00:02:41,100
...boring."
72
00:02:41,168 --> 00:02:43,202
So I'll take a beer, too."
73
00:02:43,270 --> 00:02:46,872
"Not me. I want this night
to get ca-razzy."
74
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,441
Ca-raaazy.
75
00:02:48,508 --> 00:02:51,444
Like crazy.
76
00:02:52,511 --> 00:02:55,181
"I want this night
to get ca-razy.
77
00:02:55,248 --> 00:02:57,016
"Get me a shot of Snakejuice.
78
00:02:57,084 --> 00:02:59,151
I hear it has
a dope aftertaste."
79
00:02:59,219 --> 00:03:00,653
All right,
that's gonna be a cut.
80
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,422
Um, Ron, you got to say it
like you mean it.
81
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:05,291
I won't publicly endorse
a product
82
00:03:05,358 --> 00:03:08,861
unless I use it exclusively
and I really believe in it.
83
00:03:08,929 --> 00:03:10,596
My only official
recommendations are.
84
00:03:10,664 --> 00:03:12,998
U.S. Army-issued
mustache trimmers,
85
00:03:13,066 --> 00:03:15,968
Morton's Salt,
and the C.R. Laurence Fein
86
00:03:16,036 --> 00:03:19,305
two-inch, axe-style scraper
oscillating knife blade.
87
00:03:19,372 --> 00:03:21,674
We need to find
a new PR Director
88
00:03:21,741 --> 00:03:22,808
for the Health Department.
89
00:03:22,876 --> 00:03:24,443
Dennis Cooper was fired today.
90
00:03:24,511 --> 00:03:26,112
Why?
91
00:03:26,179 --> 00:03:27,713
Short answer...
he went bananas.
92
00:03:27,781 --> 00:03:30,349
Long answer...
his wife, Jan, had an affair,
93
00:03:30,417 --> 00:03:31,951
gave him a venereal disease,
94
00:03:32,018 --> 00:03:33,986
and so he put signs about her
all through City Hall.
95
00:03:34,054 --> 00:03:35,154
I'm sure you've seen them.
96
00:03:35,222 --> 00:03:36,455
Oh, yeah.
97
00:03:36,523 --> 00:03:38,591
"Jan Cooper will give you
chlamydia,
98
00:03:38,658 --> 00:03:40,359
brought to you by
the Pawnee Health Department."
99
00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:43,195
"Chlamydia affects
nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
100
00:03:43,263 --> 00:03:46,065
"The department of health
congratulates Jan Cooper,
101
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:47,399
Miss Chlamydia."
102
00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,735
"Jan, I love you.
Please come back.
103
00:03:49,803 --> 00:03:52,371
"I realize
that I'm not blameless here.
104
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:56,108
"Please.
105
00:03:56,176 --> 00:03:57,676
Brought to you
by the Health Department."
106
00:03:57,744 --> 00:04:00,546
"Re-elect Jan Cooper,
Mayor of Whoreville."
107
00:04:00,614 --> 00:04:03,549
Leslie, I want you to help us
choose a replament.
108
00:04:03,617 --> 00:04:05,885
Parks and Health work closely
on outdoor programs
109
00:04:05,952 --> 00:04:07,786
and exercise initiatives.
110
00:04:07,854 --> 00:04:09,054
- Ann should do it.
- Ann Perkins?
111
00:04:09,122 --> 00:04:11,957
Pawnee is looking
for a new PR Director
112
00:04:12,025 --> 00:04:13,325
for the Health Department,
and I submitted your name.
113
00:04:13,393 --> 00:04:16,061
You have an interview tomorrow
at 9:00 A.M.
114
00:04:16,129 --> 00:04:17,730
9:00 A.M. wow.
115
00:04:17,797 --> 00:04:19,331
Yes, I know.
I couldn't get it earlier.
116
00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:20,866
- I'm... I am...
- Grateful.
117
00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:22,301
I know.
You can thank me later.
118
00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:23,736
But first you need
to go over your homework.
119
00:04:23,803 --> 00:04:25,304
These are all
the health initiatives
120
00:04:25,372 --> 00:04:28,307
the city has ever undertaken
since the 1960s.
121
00:04:28,375 --> 00:04:30,342
So you need
to partially memorize that.
122
00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,178
And it's gonna be a long night,
123
00:04:32,245 --> 00:04:33,546
so I got you some energy drinks
124
00:04:33,613 --> 00:04:36,048
and some chocolate-covered
espresso beans
125
00:04:36,116 --> 00:04:37,950
and the book Freedom
by Jonathan Franzen.
126
00:04:38,018 --> 00:04:39,118
Why am I reading this?
127
00:04:39,186 --> 00:04:40,519
Because I'm almost
done with it, Ann.
128
00:04:40,587 --> 00:04:42,054
And I want to talk to you
about Patty.
129
00:04:42,122 --> 00:04:44,423
Okay, deep breath.
130
00:04:45,759 --> 00:04:47,526
Okay, I've been a nurse
for over 10 years.
131
00:04:47,594 --> 00:04:49,061
It's not something
you just quit.
132
00:04:49,129 --> 00:04:51,230
I understand.
133
00:04:51,298 --> 00:04:54,266
I just think with this new job,
you could make a difference.
134
00:04:54,334 --> 00:04:56,202
Make real change happen.
135
00:04:56,269 --> 00:04:58,504
Plus, we'd be working
in the same building...
136
00:04:58,572 --> 00:05:01,273
no more lightning-round
catch-up sessions.
137
00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:03,709
It would be nice
to have an office.
138
00:05:03,777 --> 00:05:05,344
And let's be honest,
it would be nice to not have
139
00:05:05,412 --> 00:05:07,046
to pull strange things out
of people's butts every night.
140
00:05:07,113 --> 00:05:09,281
You've mentioned that before.
That doesn't happen that often.
141
00:05:09,349 --> 00:05:10,683
- It happened once.
- Just once.
142
00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,585
That already is too many times.
143
00:05:12,652 --> 00:05:15,754
Ugh. I hate talking
144
00:05:15,822 --> 00:05:17,756
to people about things.
This is a nightmare.
145
00:05:17,824 --> 00:05:20,292
Ugh.
I'm grouchy.
146
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,027
Well, we have to support Tom.
147
00:05:22,095 --> 00:05:24,396
Think about it
as role-playing.
148
00:05:25,464 --> 00:05:27,032
That makes it sexy.
149
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,768
- That could be fun.
- Ha! Really?
150
00:05:29,836 --> 00:05:31,870
Can I use a weird voice
and try to freak people out?
151
00:05:31,938 --> 00:05:34,373
- Yes.
- Okay.
152
00:05:34,441 --> 00:05:36,475
Then, uh, next time you see me,
153
00:05:36,543 --> 00:05:39,378
I'll be a stranger.
154
00:05:39,446 --> 00:05:41,113
Oh...
155
00:05:43,116 --> 00:05:45,351
Snakejuice!
What? Here?
156
00:05:45,418 --> 00:05:48,454
High-end, VIP, exclusive.
157
00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:51,190
- Hey, how's it going?
- I think it's going okay.
158
00:05:51,258 --> 00:05:53,525
People better buy this stuff,
or else I'm gonna be screwed.
159
00:05:53,593 --> 00:05:55,194
It's gonna be fine.
People will definitely buy it.
160
00:05:55,262 --> 00:05:56,295
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
161
00:05:56,363 --> 00:05:58,264
♪ "K" to the "N"
to the O-P-E ♪
162
00:05:58,331 --> 00:06:02,034
♪ she's the dopest little shorty
in all Pawnee, Indiana ♪
163
00:06:02,102 --> 00:06:03,602
Why didn't you just stop
at "Pawnee"?
164
00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:06,205
Leslie Knope, seriously,
you get sexier every day.
165
00:06:06,273 --> 00:06:08,107
And that is not a line.
That is for real.
166
00:06:08,174 --> 00:06:09,875
Aw, Jean-Ralphio.
167
00:06:09,943 --> 00:06:12,111
Well, I-I know tonight's
gonna be a big success,
168
00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:13,279
and I wish I could stay.
169
00:06:13,346 --> 00:06:14,680
I really do,
but I have to go help Ann.
170
00:06:14,748 --> 00:06:15,848
She's gonna be up all night
171
00:06:15,915 --> 00:06:17,249
cramming
for a big job interview.
172
00:06:17,317 --> 00:06:18,584
She might be up all night,
173
00:06:18,652 --> 00:06:20,419
but I think someone else
is gonna be doing the cramming.
174
00:06:20,487 --> 00:06:22,321
Uh-oh. Whoop.
175
00:06:25,392 --> 00:06:27,860
♪ ♪
176
00:06:30,392 --> 00:06:31,460
- Hey
- Hey
177
00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:33,417
- I'm so happy to see you.
- I'm seeing you here.
178
00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:35,668
- Yes.
- Yes, I'm surprised.
179
00:06:35,736 --> 00:06:37,804
I thought maybe you'd be home
preparing for tomorrow.
180
00:06:37,871 --> 00:06:40,273
Oh, well, there was way
too much stuff
181
00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:41,991
for me to read tonight, anyway.
182
00:06:42,059 --> 00:06:44,393
I mean, it was
a ridiculous amount of stuff
183
00:06:44,461 --> 00:06:45,928
that you gave me.
184
00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:48,864
Oh. But you are going in
for the interview tomorrow?
185
00:06:48,932 --> 00:06:52,802
I think so.
186
00:06:52,869 --> 00:06:55,371
Uh-oh. Is there enough room
for some mayonnaise
187
00:06:55,439 --> 00:06:57,039
in this lady sandwich?
188
00:06:57,107 --> 00:06:58,341
Oh.
189
00:06:58,408 --> 00:07:00,710
Leslie, this is my friend
Howard tuttleman.
190
00:07:00,777 --> 00:07:02,411
Oh, please.
Call me "The Douche".
191
00:07:02,729 --> 00:07:04,597
You probably know me
from my morning radio show
192
00:07:04,664 --> 00:07:08,200
on 93.7...
Crazy Ira and "The Douche".
193
00:07:08,268 --> 00:07:09,868
Yeah,
I-I have met you before.
194
00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:11,303
I actually was
on your show once...
195
00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:12,638
wait!
Were you on the show
196
00:07:12,706 --> 00:07:14,239
where we had
that stripper do math?
197
00:07:14,307 --> 00:07:15,808
Classic, right?
198
00:07:18,878 --> 00:07:20,145
♪ ♪
199
00:07:20,213 --> 00:07:23,148
Hello, strange person
who I have never met before.
200
00:07:23,216 --> 00:07:24,483
Who are you?
201
00:07:24,551 --> 00:07:26,151
I'm Janet Snakehole.
202
00:07:26,219 --> 00:07:28,454
I'm a very rich widow
with a terrible secret.
203
00:07:28,521 --> 00:07:29,555
Who are you?
204
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,924
Bert Macklin, FBI.
205
00:07:31,992 --> 00:07:33,325
I was the best
damn agent they had
206
00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:35,561
until I was framed for a crime
I didn't commit...
207
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:38,597
Stealing
the president's rubies.
208
00:07:38,665 --> 00:07:40,366
Now I work alone.
209
00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:42,401
Lovely to meet you.
210
00:07:42,469 --> 00:07:44,503
I got to admit, uh,
I thought your costume
211
00:07:44,571 --> 00:07:46,338
would maybe be
a little bit sluttier.
212
00:07:46,406 --> 00:07:49,708
How dare you?
213
00:07:49,776 --> 00:07:51,076
Nice.
214
00:07:51,144 --> 00:07:53,412
Gentlemen.
215
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,248
- Swan song, how you living?
- Yes.
216
00:07:56,316 --> 00:07:57,916
Why aren't you holding
a Snakejuice?
217
00:07:57,984 --> 00:07:59,385
I'm more of a whiskey man.
218
00:07:59,452 --> 00:08:00,786
Ron-Ron, come here.
219
00:08:00,854 --> 00:08:02,688
Come here for a bit.
You're good right there.
220
00:08:02,756 --> 00:08:05,190
Listen, you got to jump
on the Tommytown Express.
221
00:08:05,258 --> 00:08:06,925
This guy has some
of the best investment ideas
222
00:08:06,993 --> 00:08:08,627
I've ever heard in my life.
223
00:08:08,695 --> 00:08:11,063
Make a baby
tuxedo clothing line.
224
00:08:11,131 --> 00:08:13,599
A department store
with a guest list.
225
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,601
White fur ear muffs for men.
226
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:18,237
Contact lenses that display
text messages.
227
00:08:18,304 --> 00:08:20,639
Invent a phone
that smells good.
228
00:08:20,707 --> 00:08:22,975
Own a night club called eclipse
229
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:26,645
that's only open for one hour
two times a year.
230
00:08:26,713 --> 00:08:30,315
Cover charge... $5,000.
231
00:08:30,383 --> 00:08:32,051
I can keep going.
232
00:08:32,118 --> 00:08:33,452
How about this, Ron?
233
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:34,653
Try Snakejuice.
234
00:08:34,721 --> 00:08:37,256
If you like it,
you got to talk it up all night.
235
00:08:37,323 --> 00:08:41,393
If you don't,
I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head.
236
00:08:41,461 --> 00:08:43,395
Yeah, I'd like to see that.
237
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:45,664
Hit me.
238
00:08:45,732 --> 00:08:50,302
A lot riding on this.
239
00:08:50,370 --> 00:08:52,604
Damn, if that isn't delicious.
240
00:08:52,672 --> 00:08:54,073
Oh!
241
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:56,175
♪ "R" to the "o"
to the n-n-n ♪
242
00:08:56,242 --> 00:08:59,445
♪ I say Swanson's got swagger
the size of a Big Ben clock ♪
243
00:08:59,512 --> 00:09:01,046
Dude, you got to end it
on the rhyme.
244
00:09:01,114 --> 00:09:03,649
- I know what I have to do.
- You had it at "Ben."
245
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,284
I know.
I got it.
246
00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:07,152
You think I haven't been
around the world.
247
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:10,355
I've been everywhere, darling.
I'm a very wealthy woman.
248
00:09:10,423 --> 00:09:12,858
My husband's kept me
in the finest clothes
249
00:09:12,926 --> 00:09:14,460
from Bergdorf Goodman, you see.
250
00:09:14,527 --> 00:09:17,996
- Freeze! FBI!
- No! Leave me alone!
251
00:09:18,064 --> 00:09:20,132
- Hands in the air!
- I didn't kill anybody!
252
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,633
And I didn't burn down
the mill either.
253
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:22,801
My sister did.
254
00:09:22,869 --> 00:09:24,770
But now she's been eaten
by wolves!
255
00:09:26,239 --> 00:09:29,341
Nothing to see here.
256
00:09:29,409 --> 00:09:31,744
- So how did you two meet?
- We met at the supermarket.
257
00:09:31,811 --> 00:09:33,545
I used my classic pickup line.
258
00:09:33,613 --> 00:09:36,615
If you're looking for douches,
they're in aisle me.
259
00:09:36,683 --> 00:09:38,550
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
260
00:09:38,618 --> 00:09:40,486
Oh, hey, by the way, I don't
think I can get that book back
261
00:09:40,553 --> 00:09:42,054
from, um, what's-his-name.
262
00:09:42,122 --> 00:09:43,422
Oh, that's okay.
263
00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,057
I mean, I should've
known better
264
00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:47,025
than to loan something
to one of your boyfriends.
265
00:09:47,093 --> 00:09:48,494
They come and go so fast.
266
00:09:48,561 --> 00:09:50,496
Uh, what
are you saying exactly?
267
00:09:50,563 --> 00:09:51,697
Well, I mean, let's be honest.
268
00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:53,332
How long is it gonna last
with this guy?
269
00:09:53,399 --> 00:09:54,666
Sitting right here.
270
00:09:54,734 --> 00:09:56,168
I don't know.
He's dumb, but he's fun.
271
00:09:56,236 --> 00:09:57,636
Thank you.
272
00:09:57,704 --> 00:09:59,571
I mean, that's the whole point
of dating around
273
00:09:59,639 --> 00:10:01,140
is you get to try on
a bunch of different hats.
274
00:10:01,207 --> 00:10:03,041
Well, this hat is an idiot.
275
00:10:03,109 --> 00:10:04,710
Ha ha.
Classic.
276
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:07,212
Leslie, are you mad
that I came here?
277
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,814
What? No.
278
00:10:08,882 --> 00:10:10,983
I'm not... are you...
you seem mad at me.
279
00:10:11,050 --> 00:10:12,651
No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at you.
280
00:10:12,719 --> 00:10:14,086
- I'm not mad at you.
- I'm not mad at all.
281
00:10:14,154 --> 00:10:16,989
- Neither am I.
- No.
282
00:10:17,056 --> 00:10:19,358
Looks like you two
need to kiss and make up.
283
00:10:19,425 --> 00:10:20,926
- All right.
- Reow.
284
00:10:20,994 --> 00:10:24,196
Hello.
My name is Ron Swanson.
285
00:10:24,264 --> 00:10:26,765
In general, I try never
to speak with people,
286
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:29,268
but I have been drinking
this Snakejuice thing,
287
00:10:29,302 --> 00:10:30,569
and it's damn good.
288
00:10:30,637 --> 00:10:32,171
You should buy it.
289
00:10:32,238 --> 00:10:33,806
Yeah, okay.
Thanks, man.
290
00:10:33,873 --> 00:10:36,575
Son, you should know
that my recommendation
291
00:10:36,643 --> 00:10:38,510
is essentially a guarantee.
292
00:10:38,578 --> 00:10:40,379
Drink this, now.
293
00:10:42,715 --> 00:10:45,984
Traegermeister!
You made it.
294
00:10:46,052 --> 00:10:48,987
Yeah, I got your email.
We need to talk.
295
00:10:49,055 --> 00:10:52,357
First off, though,
try a little Snakejuice.
296
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:53,625
It's 140 proof,
297
00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:55,427
which means it's 70% alcohol.
298
00:10:55,495 --> 00:10:56,762
But don't worry.
299
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,630
There's plenty caffeine in it
to keep you awake.
300
00:10:58,698 --> 00:11:02,668
I believe an ounce of that
would literally kill me.
301
00:11:02,735 --> 00:11:04,837
You emailed everyone
at City Hall
302
00:11:04,904 --> 00:11:06,905
and told them to come to a club
303
00:11:06,973 --> 00:11:10,509
that you own to buy alcohol
that you invented.
304
00:11:10,577 --> 00:11:13,111
Government employees
can't use their power
305
00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:14,780
to enhance
their personal wealth.
306
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,448
I totally get
your point, Chris.
307
00:11:16,516 --> 00:11:17,616
It won't happen again.
308
00:11:17,684 --> 00:11:19,685
I just don't see any way
around it.
309
00:11:19,752 --> 00:11:21,520
You're gonna have to sell
your shares in the Snakehole.
310
00:11:21,588 --> 00:11:22,821
No!
311
00:11:22,889 --> 00:11:24,356
T-pain, this guy
bothering you?
312
00:11:24,424 --> 00:11:26,458
- This is my boss.
- Okay, yeah.
313
00:11:26,526 --> 00:11:27,993
You want me to write a rap
about your name?
314
00:11:28,061 --> 00:11:29,461
Yes.
315
00:11:29,529 --> 00:11:31,296
♪ "B" to the "o"
to the double "s" ♪
316
00:11:31,364 --> 00:11:35,434
♪ do what he say,
and you'll be successful ♪
317
00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:37,369
No offense, but maybe
you think I'm going too fast
318
00:11:37,437 --> 00:11:38,837
'cause you're going too slow
with Ben.
319
00:11:38,905 --> 00:11:41,773
No offense, but I'm going slow
because I might lose my job.
320
00:11:41,841 --> 00:11:43,208
Okay, no offense,
but maybe that's
321
00:11:43,276 --> 00:11:45,244
a little bit of an excuse
for not acting on your feelings.
322
00:11:45,311 --> 00:11:46,678
No offense,
but I don't remember you
323
00:11:46,746 --> 00:11:48,547
having a nursing degree
in feelings.
324
00:11:48,615 --> 00:11:50,249
Offense!
That's rude.
325
00:11:50,316 --> 00:11:51,383
I'm gonna go dance.
326
00:11:51,451 --> 00:11:52,918
Douche, you're up.
327
00:11:52,986 --> 00:11:54,786
Uh, uh.
Mmm.
328
00:11:54,854 --> 00:11:57,256
Hey, are you okay?
I heard yelling.
329
00:11:57,323 --> 00:11:58,957
Yeah, I'm very angry,
and I'm really drunk.
330
00:11:59,025 --> 00:12:02,294
Do you want to dance with me?
Go get me another "snorkjuice."
331
00:12:02,362 --> 00:12:04,429
Oh, that's maybe not
the best idea for you.
332
00:12:04,497 --> 00:12:06,064
Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!
333
00:12:06,132 --> 00:12:07,766
- Yes, I'm here.
- Dance up on me.
334
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:09,801
Yes, yes, yes.
335
00:12:09,869 --> 00:12:11,336
This is my
first fight with Ann,
336
00:12:11,404 --> 00:12:12,771
and it's a doozy.
337
00:12:12,839 --> 00:12:15,574
But I believe that honest
discussions between friends
338
00:12:15,642 --> 00:12:17,109
can lead to deeper intimacy.
339
00:12:17,176 --> 00:12:19,378
This is a watershed moment
in our relationship,
340
00:12:19,445 --> 00:12:21,013
and it's important
that we fight clean.
341
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,950
All I need to do
is focus and stay calm.
342
00:12:25,018 --> 00:12:27,085
You're stupid, and you're drunk
and you're stupid.
343
00:12:28,655 --> 00:12:31,556
Oh! I don't understand
how this is my fault.
344
00:12:31,624 --> 00:12:33,825
It's not... everything
isn't your fault all the time.
345
00:12:33,893 --> 00:12:35,560
Don't always make everything
your fault.
346
00:12:35,628 --> 00:12:38,330
Good! It's not all my fault.
I'm not the stupid jerk.
347
00:12:38,398 --> 00:12:40,132
I'm not the one who's being
a stupid jerk right now.
348
00:12:40,199 --> 00:12:41,199
I didn't mean it like that.
349
00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:42,634
You know
I didn't mean it like that.
350
00:12:42,702 --> 00:12:44,169
I just meant you were
being stupid,
351
00:12:44,237 --> 00:12:45,671
and you were acting
like a jerk.
352
00:12:45,738 --> 00:12:48,407
Look, I'm sorry that I thought
about you for the job, okay?
353
00:12:48,474 --> 00:12:50,676
But sometimes if I don't push
you in the right direction,
354
00:12:50,743 --> 00:12:52,044
you end up standing still.
355
00:12:52,111 --> 00:12:54,046
I was just trying
to do you a favor.
356
00:12:54,113 --> 00:12:57,115
Enough with your favors, okay?
357
00:12:57,183 --> 00:12:58,884
Stop.
358
00:13:02,288 --> 00:13:05,223
Maybe we shouldn't work
together, then.
359
00:13:05,291 --> 00:13:07,559
Maybe we shouldn't.
360
00:13:10,463 --> 00:13:13,365
Every time I cleanse,
I can literally
361
00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:15,200
feel the toxins leaving my body.
362
00:13:15,268 --> 00:13:17,135
I know!
I feel so much healthier.
363
00:13:17,203 --> 00:13:19,972
I've still got a full week
to go before the broth stage.
364
00:13:20,039 --> 00:13:23,942
Mmm! Pre-broth
is an amazing stage.
365
00:13:24,010 --> 00:13:25,610
It's when you're most alert.
366
00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:27,646
Good. Someone
needs to be alert tonight.
367
00:13:27,714 --> 00:13:30,615
This Snakejuice
is basically rat poison.
368
00:13:30,683 --> 00:13:32,184
Everybody's wasted.
369
00:13:32,251 --> 00:13:34,753
You don't even know one thing.
I didn't even say one thing.
370
00:13:34,821 --> 00:13:36,121
And then she asked me
the whole thing,
371
00:13:36,189 --> 00:13:37,489
and I didn't even do it once.
372
00:13:37,557 --> 00:13:39,524
I'm like an elephant, okay?
373
00:13:39,592 --> 00:13:42,828
If I walk into a room,
it's like, okay, he's in there.
374
00:13:43,895 --> 00:13:47,632
Baba booey.
375
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,401
Turn this music down.
376
00:13:49,469 --> 00:13:54,339
♪ Farts and poop and love
and stuff ♪
377
00:13:54,407 --> 00:13:57,943
♪ macaroni salad ♪
378
00:14:05,518 --> 00:14:06,952
♪ ♪
379
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,354
- Is this everybody?
- Ann took a cab.
380
00:14:09,422 --> 00:14:11,690
Tom's in the trunk.
Jerry's on the roof.
381
00:14:11,758 --> 00:14:13,692
All right, where to first?
382
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,360
Your mother's butt.
383
00:14:17,597 --> 00:14:19,531
I'm so alone.
384
00:14:19,599 --> 00:14:22,034
If even one of you thinks
about dry heaving in my car,
385
00:14:22,101 --> 00:14:23,602
you're all walking home.
386
00:14:28,613 --> 00:14:29,549
Leslie.
387
00:14:30,363 --> 00:14:31,899
I'm here.
388
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:35,134
We have to go hire
a new PR Director
389
00:14:35,202 --> 00:14:36,402
for the Health Department.
390
00:14:36,470 --> 00:14:38,304
Oh, my God.
I'm so hungover.
391
00:14:38,372 --> 00:14:39,805
I've never been this hungover.
392
00:14:39,873 --> 00:14:42,074
I feel great.
I ran 5k this morning.
393
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,142
Really?
394
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,144
No, I threw up in the shower.
395
00:14:45,212 --> 00:14:47,246
Top of the morning, everyone.
396
00:14:47,314 --> 00:14:50,950
I brought
some burgers and fries.
397
00:14:51,018 --> 00:14:52,118
Eat up.
398
00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:54,487
The protein soaks up the sugar.
399
00:14:56,023 --> 00:14:59,225
First, you take the cow
to the killing floor.
400
00:14:59,293 --> 00:15:02,128
Well, I am out of questions.
401
00:15:02,195 --> 00:15:06,132
Thank you.
We will let you know.
402
00:15:06,199 --> 00:15:08,234
Then our heads will explode,
and we will die.
403
00:15:08,302 --> 00:15:09,969
- Oh, God.
- Oh.
404
00:15:10,037 --> 00:15:12,471
I cannot believe that fight
I had with Ann.
405
00:15:12,539 --> 00:15:14,807
Look, I'm sure you guys
can work it out.
406
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:17,977
I owe her, like,
a million apologies.
407
00:15:18,045 --> 00:15:20,112
I think I owe you one, too.
408
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,882
- I'm sorry.
- For what?
409
00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:25,351
I don't know.
410
00:15:25,419 --> 00:15:27,019
Are you okay?
411
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:31,290
No, I'm sad.
412
00:15:37,831 --> 00:15:39,632
- Say, thanks, chum.
- Ugh.
413
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,400
I'll get those papers
delivered for you...
414
00:15:41,468 --> 00:15:43,069
Whatever.
415
00:15:43,136 --> 00:15:45,771
Posthaste.
416
00:15:45,839 --> 00:15:49,075
The doctor says it's probably
not serious, but it might be.
417
00:15:49,142 --> 00:15:52,445
Oh, Kyle, please stop talking.
418
00:15:52,512 --> 00:15:54,480
Why, isn't it Bert Macklin?
419
00:15:54,548 --> 00:15:56,716
What are you doing here,
and who is this sorry Charlie?
420
00:15:56,783 --> 00:15:58,584
I'm Janet Snakehole.
421
00:15:58,652 --> 00:16:00,419
I demand answers,
and I want them now.
422
00:16:00,487 --> 00:16:02,121
Honey, please.
I love you.
423
00:16:02,189 --> 00:16:05,558
No offense, but Bert Macklin
died last night
424
00:16:05,626 --> 00:16:07,827
after the tenth shot
of Snakejuice.
425
00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:14,066
Okay, sorry.
426
00:16:14,134 --> 00:16:16,068
Miss Snakehole.
427
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:20,239
You think I'd let you
get away that easily?
428
00:16:20,307 --> 00:16:22,775
Bert Macklin may be dead,
429
00:16:22,843 --> 00:16:27,546
but I'm his brother
Kip Hackman.
430
00:16:27,614 --> 00:16:29,949
Why wouldn't you have
his same last name?
431
00:16:30,017 --> 00:16:31,550
Shut up, Kyle.
432
00:16:31,618 --> 00:16:34,286
I know you boosted
those paintings.
433
00:16:34,354 --> 00:16:37,490
Maybe it was me, but I'll
never tell you where they are.
434
00:16:37,557 --> 00:16:39,892
And you'll never have
my body either.
435
00:16:45,432 --> 00:16:46,766
Sorry to hear the news, Tom.
436
00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:48,701
We're gonna miss you
around the club.
437
00:16:48,769 --> 00:16:51,270
Hey, you own shares, too.
Why didn't Chris make you sell?
438
00:16:51,338 --> 00:16:53,039
'Cause Chris doesn't know.
439
00:16:53,106 --> 00:16:54,774
You know what?
440
00:16:54,841 --> 00:16:57,343
Snitches get stitches.
441
00:16:57,411 --> 00:17:00,579
- Donna, come on.
- Don't.
442
00:17:00,647 --> 00:17:01,947
I'm a natural moneymaker.
443
00:17:02,015 --> 00:17:04,550
I got into government
for the connections.
444
00:17:04,618 --> 00:17:07,053
This was supposed to be a thing
that led to the other thing.
445
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,854
It's like when Vin
Dboiler room.
446
00:17:08,922 --> 00:17:10,423
That's what lead to him
being XXX and doing Furious.
447
00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:11,757
And Furious.
Yeah, I know.
448
00:17:11,825 --> 00:17:13,526
Listen, I don't like
all this negativity, man.
449
00:17:13,593 --> 00:17:16,896
Why don't you turn that
frizz-own upside-dizz-ity?
450
00:17:16,963 --> 00:17:18,597
Huh?
This sucks, man.
451
00:17:21,468 --> 00:17:23,402
Oh.
452
00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:25,838
You're wearing snow pants.
453
00:17:25,906 --> 00:17:27,273
I got home last night,
454
00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:29,575
and I thought
I might go sledding.
455
00:17:31,044 --> 00:17:32,144
Can I come in?
456
00:17:32,212 --> 00:17:34,180
- Yeah, if you're quiet.
- Okay.
457
00:17:36,917 --> 00:17:38,384
Uh, Leslie doesn't know
I'm here.
458
00:17:38,452 --> 00:17:41,554
Oh, God.
So high school...
459
00:17:41,621 --> 00:17:44,023
I can't believe that Leslie
and I got drunk in a bar
460
00:17:44,091 --> 00:17:45,357
and fought about boys.
461
00:17:45,425 --> 00:17:47,393
We're so much better than that.
462
00:17:47,461 --> 00:17:49,795
I just keep having flashes
of things
463
00:17:49,863 --> 00:17:52,364
that we said to each other.
464
00:17:52,432 --> 00:17:54,834
And she's so important to me.
465
00:17:54,901 --> 00:17:56,736
I feel like such a dick.
466
00:17:56,803 --> 00:17:58,437
I know she feels awful.
467
00:17:58,505 --> 00:18:01,407
I mean, technically, we all do.
468
00:18:01,475 --> 00:18:04,143
Yeah. What the hell
is in Snakejuice...
469
00:18:04,211 --> 00:18:05,377
Demerol?
470
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:07,379
All I know is
Leslie's always talking
471
00:18:07,447 --> 00:18:10,382
about how lucky she is
to have you as a friend.
472
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:15,121
And I just wanted you
to know that.
473
00:18:15,188 --> 00:18:17,223
You're nice.
474
00:18:17,290 --> 00:18:19,225
I can see why she likes you.
475
00:18:19,292 --> 00:18:22,061
When did she say...
likes me?
476
00:18:22,129 --> 00:18:23,662
Oh, God.
This is so high school.
477
00:18:23,730 --> 00:18:26,999
Just rent a limo,
ask her to the prom.
478
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:28,334
I'm sure she'll say yes.
479
00:18:28,401 --> 00:18:30,569
All right.
Thanks.
480
00:18:30,637 --> 00:18:32,838
So let me get this straight.
481
00:18:32,906 --> 00:18:35,174
Tom tries to get off
the Government teat,
482
00:18:35,242 --> 00:18:36,408
and we punish him.
483
00:18:36,476 --> 00:18:38,177
That doesn't make
any sense to me.
484
00:18:38,245 --> 00:18:40,412
I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.
485
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,515
I wish there was something
we could do.
486
00:18:42,582 --> 00:18:44,650
Ben, is there something
we can do?
487
00:18:44,718 --> 00:18:46,185
Damn it.
Ben's not here.
488
00:18:46,253 --> 00:18:47,920
Tom's not scamming anyone.
489
00:18:47,988 --> 00:18:50,256
He's not savvy enough to
manipulate the system like that.
490
00:18:50,323 --> 00:18:53,459
He's just a kid
chasing a goofy dream.
491
00:18:53,527 --> 00:18:57,496
I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.
492
00:18:57,564 --> 00:19:00,099
Jan Cooper was a terrible wife.
493
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,967
I just want everybody
to know that.
494
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:03,803
Thank you, Dennis.
495
00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:06,338
But we can't give you
your job back.
496
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:08,874
You sound just like her.
497
00:19:08,942 --> 00:19:10,509
- That was unpleasant.
- Yeah.
498
00:19:10,577 --> 00:19:13,112
All right, who's next?
499
00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:14,213
You came.
500
00:19:14,281 --> 00:19:16,715
Yeah, I had some encouragement.
501
00:19:17,783 --> 00:19:19,952
Your sweater's on inside out.
502
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,288
And backwards.
503
00:19:22,355 --> 00:19:23,856
It's been a tough morning...
504
00:19:23,924 --> 00:19:26,625
lots of regret and shame.
505
00:19:26,693 --> 00:19:29,895
That should be the official
slogan for Snakejuice.
506
00:19:29,963 --> 00:19:32,631
Well, uh,
this committee would like to ask
507
00:19:32,699 --> 00:19:34,366
if you are
the kind of candidate
508
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,935
who could forgive someone
509
00:19:36,002 --> 00:19:38,103
after they've behaved
like a complete jackass?
510
00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:40,506
This candidate could,
511
00:19:40,574 --> 00:19:44,210
especially because
this candidate also behaved
512
00:19:44,277 --> 00:19:45,644
like a total jackass.
513
00:19:45,712 --> 00:19:47,313
Please, don't worry about it.
514
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:49,114
The committee
totally understands.
515
00:19:49,182 --> 00:19:52,318
Also, I can talk
about my qualifications
516
00:19:52,385 --> 00:19:53,986
for this position.
517
00:19:54,054 --> 00:19:57,656
But first, I am gonna go
throw up in a wastebasket.
518
00:19:57,724 --> 00:19:59,391
Would you mind if I joined you?
519
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:00,726
Not at all.
520
00:20:00,794 --> 00:20:04,163
Shall we?
521
00:20:04,231 --> 00:20:05,397
Ann came in the next day
522
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,233
and had a second interview
with Chris.
523
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,068
She nailed it, of course.
524
00:20:09,135 --> 00:20:11,237
But she doesn't want
to totally leave her job.
525
00:20:11,304 --> 00:20:13,472
So they struck up a deal.
526
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:14,940
She works at City Hall
part-time,
527
00:20:15,008 --> 00:20:17,243
and two days a week,
she still gets to be
528
00:20:17,310 --> 00:20:18,644
the greatest nurse
in the world.
529
00:20:18,712 --> 00:20:20,045
Win-win.
530
00:20:20,113 --> 00:20:23,482
We need to remember
what's important in life...
531
00:20:23,550 --> 00:20:26,552
friends, waffles, and work.
532
00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:28,487
Or waffles, friends, work...
it doesn't matter.
533
00:20:28,555 --> 00:20:29,989
But work is third.
534
00:20:30,776 --> 00:20:32,077
So listen, Crazy Ira,
check this out, okay?
535
00:20:32,144 --> 00:20:34,545
I'm at this club last night
just killing it...
536
00:20:34,613 --> 00:20:35,846
the Snakehole Lounge.
537
00:20:35,914 --> 00:20:38,115
Oh, yeah, is that a gay club?
538
00:20:38,183 --> 00:20:40,084
Hello?
539
00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:42,353
Shut up, ass.
Come on, man.
540
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:47,491
So I'm dancing on the floor
with this super-hot chick.
541
00:20:47,559 --> 00:20:48,993
♪ Me so horny ♪
542
00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:50,961
More like a dude, I bet.
543
00:20:51,029 --> 00:20:52,897
Hello?
544
00:20:52,964 --> 00:20:54,698
Did you wet your whistle?
545
00:20:54,766 --> 00:20:56,033
I wish.
546
00:20:56,101 --> 00:20:57,301
Me likey.
547
00:20:57,369 --> 00:20:58,636
No, no, no, no.
548
00:20:58,703 --> 00:21:00,237
She spent the whole night
talking to her friend,
549
00:21:00,305 --> 00:21:02,773
- arguing about their feelings.
- That's me!
550
00:21:02,841 --> 00:21:04,841
Who knows?
She's probably a lesbian.
551
00:21:05,141 --> 00:21:07,841
They were in the bathrom
a long time.
552
00:21:07,941 --> 00:21:17,841
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net