1
00:00:00,993 --> 00:00:04,261
Okay, everybody.
Big, big news.
2
00:00:04,629 --> 00:00:06,329
Uh, Leslie, would you like
to do the honors?
3
00:00:06,397 --> 00:00:07,764
No, I think
you should deliver the news.
4
00:00:07,832 --> 00:00:09,265
Yeah,
but you're the candidate.
5
00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:10,500
Yeah, but you're
the brilliant campaign manager.
6
00:00:10,568 --> 00:00:11,668
- But you're the cutest.
- I love you.
7
00:00:11,736 --> 00:00:13,369
I love you too.
8
00:00:14,871 --> 00:00:16,505
Hey, were you going
to tell us something?
9
00:00:16,573 --> 00:00:17,807
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, right.
10
00:00:17,874 --> 00:00:19,308
The latest poll has us
11
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:21,777
only two points
behind Bobby Newport!
12
00:00:21,845 --> 00:00:23,178
- Whoo! Yes!
- Two points!
13
00:00:23,246 --> 00:00:24,513
I know, you guys,
14
00:00:24,581 --> 00:00:26,215
we only have one more day
to close the gap,
15
00:00:26,282 --> 00:00:29,485
and we're going to do so
in a one-time campaign blitz
16
00:00:29,552 --> 00:00:31,385
aboard the S.S. Knope.
17
00:00:31,453 --> 00:00:33,454
This is going to be our home
for the next 24 hours.
18
00:00:33,522 --> 00:00:35,256
And if we win, hopefully,
it will be the home
19
00:00:35,324 --> 00:00:37,258
- that Ben and I share forever.
- Uh, what?
20
00:00:37,326 --> 00:00:38,559
It's just an idea I had.
We don't have to do it.
21
00:00:38,628 --> 00:00:39,560
Whatever.
We can talk about it.
22
00:00:39,629 --> 00:00:40,662
Okay, here we go!
23
00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:41,963
We've come so far.
24
00:00:42,031 --> 00:00:44,065
I want this so bad,
I can taste it.
25
00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:46,266
When I close my eyes,
26
00:00:46,334 --> 00:00:48,468
I can picture
the flash of the cameras
27
00:00:48,536 --> 00:00:50,070
at my swearing in.
28
00:00:50,138 --> 00:00:52,506
And I can hear
the sound of the applause
29
00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:54,374
when I take my oath.
30
00:00:54,442 --> 00:00:56,710
And I can see
in the crowd
31
00:00:56,778 --> 00:00:59,847
president Obama smiling at me.
32
00:01:00,414 --> 00:01:01,781
He made it.
33
00:01:01,849 --> 00:01:04,751
I didn't think he would come,
but he made it.
34
00:01:04,818 --> 00:01:06,619
Hey, buddy.
35
00:01:06,687 --> 00:01:09,689
[Triumphant music]
36
00:01:09,757 --> 00:01:14,757
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:29,141
A few days ago,
on a routine campaign stop
38
00:01:29,208 --> 00:01:30,475
in downtown Pawnee,
39
00:01:30,543 --> 00:01:34,111
one Leslie Knope--
pause--was attacked--
40
00:01:34,179 --> 00:01:36,814
play--
by a pie.
41
00:01:36,882 --> 00:01:39,349
Luckily, it only hit Jerry,
so no damage was done.
44
00:01:43,321 --> 00:01:46,891
pause--my wife,
April Ludgate.
45
00:01:46,958 --> 00:01:50,827
This is Bert Macklin's
greatest assignment yet.
46
00:01:50,895 --> 00:01:53,029
If you are watching,
perpetrator,
47
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:57,533
just know that
you are still at large.
48
00:01:57,601 --> 00:01:58,902
Okay, listen up, folks.
49
00:01:58,969 --> 00:02:00,704
We have
a security situation here.
50
00:02:00,771 --> 00:02:03,472
As you know,
when we reach the location,
51
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,008
I will be conducting
a security sweep.
52
00:02:06,076 --> 00:02:08,210
Also, from now on,
we'll be using code names.
53
00:02:08,277 --> 00:02:10,412
You can address me
as "eagle one."
54
00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:12,881
Ann, code name:
"Been there, done that."
55
00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:14,983
April is
"currently doing that."
56
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:17,419
Donna is
"it happened once in a dream."
57
00:02:17,486 --> 00:02:19,487
Chris, code name:
"If I had to pick a dude."
58
00:02:19,555 --> 00:02:22,323
Ben is "eagle two."
59
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,925
Oh, thank God.
60
00:02:24,392 --> 00:02:26,427
No, please.
Come--
61
00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:27,962
we have a problem.
62
00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:29,130
The vans we rented to take
63
00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:30,798
senior citizens
to the polls tomorrow
64
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:32,767
are now, quote,
"no longer available."
65
00:02:32,835 --> 00:02:34,168
What?
66
00:02:34,236 --> 00:02:35,703
I thought we locked those vans
down, like, a week ago.
67
00:02:35,771 --> 00:02:37,338
Yeah, we worked really hard
to get those seniors back
68
00:02:37,405 --> 00:02:38,939
on our side
after that ramp debacle.
69
00:02:39,006 --> 00:02:40,741
- I really need their votes.
- Okay.
70
00:02:40,808 --> 00:02:42,609
Tom, go down there
and get those vans back.
71
00:02:42,676 --> 00:02:45,212
I'll use
my legendary Haverford charm.
72
00:02:45,279 --> 00:02:47,214
I have total faith in you.
73
00:02:47,281 --> 00:02:49,015
Take Donna with you.
Ron, you go too.
74
00:02:49,083 --> 00:02:50,583
April,
you are a very intelligent
75
00:02:50,651 --> 00:02:52,052
and savvy young woman.
76
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,319
I do not just think of you
as just a gofer,
77
00:02:53,387 --> 00:02:54,920
but right now,
I need you to get me
78
00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:56,455
a triple espresso
with eight sugars.
79
00:02:56,522 --> 00:02:57,890
Okay.
80
00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:00,159
Wha-- I'm on it.
I'll go. I'm going.
81
00:03:00,227 --> 00:03:01,693
Please, I can go.
I don't mind.
82
00:03:01,762 --> 00:03:03,028
It's better than
listening to her
83
00:03:03,096 --> 00:03:04,230
stump speech
for a millionth time.
84
00:03:04,297 --> 00:03:07,066
No. I will do it.
I have to do it.
85
00:03:07,134 --> 00:03:08,968
I need to do it.
Good-bye.
86
00:03:09,035 --> 00:03:11,435
This has been a difficult
year for me, romantically.
87
00:03:11,503 --> 00:03:15,774
Millicent Gergich,
Ann Perkins, Andy's professor--
88
00:03:15,841 --> 00:03:17,308
lots of disappointment,
89
00:03:17,376 --> 00:03:19,744
but if I keep
my body moving
90
00:03:19,812 --> 00:03:21,679
and my mind occupied
at all times,
91
00:03:21,747 --> 00:03:26,250
I will avoid falling into
a bottomless pit of despair.
92
00:03:26,317 --> 00:03:28,718
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
93
00:03:28,787 --> 00:03:31,721
the next city councilor
of the great city of Pawnee,
94
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:33,090
Leslie Knope!
95
00:03:33,158 --> 00:03:35,125
[Cheers and applause]
96
00:03:35,193 --> 00:03:36,293
This is "eagle one,"
"been there, done that"
97
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,761
is leaving the stage.
98
00:03:37,829 --> 00:03:40,130
"I'd be lying if I said
I hadn't thought about it"
99
00:03:40,198 --> 00:03:43,032
is in position.
100
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:46,102
What do we want for our city?
I'll tell you what I want.
101
00:03:46,170 --> 00:03:49,138
I want better schools,
I want cleaner streets,
102
00:03:49,206 --> 00:03:51,207
I want to expel
the violent gangs
103
00:03:51,275 --> 00:03:53,976
of geese in Detweiler Square.
104
00:03:54,044 --> 00:03:58,146
And I will finally eliminate
this city's libraries!
105
00:03:58,214 --> 00:03:59,147
[Cheers and applause]
106
00:03:59,215 --> 00:04:00,581
Thank you.
107
00:04:00,649 --> 00:04:02,550
In the last few weeks,
we've turned this campaign
108
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,419
into a well-oiled machine.
109
00:04:04,486 --> 00:04:07,655
Leslie's stump speech
is 10 minutes and 40 seconds
110
00:04:07,723 --> 00:04:08,756
every time.
111
00:04:08,825 --> 00:04:10,258
Here, check this out.
112
00:04:10,326 --> 00:04:14,661
There will be a big laugh
right... now.
113
00:04:14,729 --> 00:04:18,498
[Laughter in background]
114
00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:20,968
And now,
a two-second awkward silence
115
00:04:21,036 --> 00:04:22,837
after Leslie does her
Rodney Dangerfield impression.
116
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:24,071
[As Dangerfield]
I tell ya,
117
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,039
these geese
don't give me no respect.
118
00:04:25,106 --> 00:04:28,142
No respect at all.
119
00:04:28,210 --> 00:04:30,343
She insists on trying it
every time,
120
00:04:30,410 --> 00:04:32,245
and it never works.
[Clears throat]
121
00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:34,981
But the rest of the speech,
fantastic.
122
00:04:35,049 --> 00:04:36,983
When I was building parks,
helping the community,
123
00:04:37,051 --> 00:04:39,585
and putting together
the harvest festival,
124
00:04:39,653 --> 00:04:40,920
where was Bobby?
125
00:04:40,988 --> 00:04:42,889
He and his father,
Nick Newport
126
00:04:42,957 --> 00:04:45,558
were exploiting this city
for their personal gain.
127
00:04:46,125 --> 00:04:47,492
You deserve more.
128
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:48,460
[Cheers and applause]
129
00:04:48,527 --> 00:04:49,661
Here's the best part.
130
00:04:49,729 --> 00:04:51,196
Watch what happens
when she says...
131
00:04:51,264 --> 00:04:55,000
Together,
we can build a better Pawnee.
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00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:56,335
[Gloria Estefan's
Get On Your Feet plays]
133
00:04:56,402 --> 00:04:57,669
♪ Get on your feet ♪
134
00:04:58,737 --> 00:05:01,106
Everybody says
they care about the issues,
135
00:05:01,174 --> 00:05:03,174
but at the end of the day,
136
00:05:03,242 --> 00:05:05,409
all anyone really wants
is free clothing
137
00:05:05,477 --> 00:05:07,879
shot at them from a cannon.
138
00:05:09,446 --> 00:05:12,884
I've been staring
at this board for days.
139
00:05:12,951 --> 00:05:14,385
I'm so close
to putting it together.
140
00:05:14,452 --> 00:05:16,254
There's got to be
something we missed.
141
00:05:16,321 --> 00:05:18,454
Let's go over this again.
142
00:05:18,522 --> 00:05:23,226
The video shows that
the pie came from a high angle,
143
00:05:23,294 --> 00:05:27,530
so it would've hit your face...
like this.
144
00:05:27,598 --> 00:05:28,798
Mm-hmm.
145
00:05:28,866 --> 00:05:31,734
Don't close your eyes.
146
00:05:32,802 --> 00:05:34,036
Uh--
147
00:05:34,104 --> 00:05:35,737
[sighs]
148
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:40,509
No, no.
It was actually from up higher.
149
00:05:40,576 --> 00:05:41,710
Is that about right?
150
00:05:41,778 --> 00:05:43,612
- Yeah.
- Good.
151
00:05:43,679 --> 00:05:46,115
Clean yourself up.
Let's do this again.
152
00:05:46,682 --> 00:05:48,017
Hey, Bill!
153
00:05:48,084 --> 00:05:49,885
Tom Haverford
from the Knope campaign.
154
00:05:49,952 --> 00:05:52,287
And you brought
the whole posse with you, huh?
155
00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:54,655
I'm not changing my mind.
156
00:05:54,723 --> 00:05:56,291
We already paid
for those vans, Mr. Butler.
157
00:05:56,358 --> 00:05:58,459
$900 for one day.
158
00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:01,062
Yeah, it was $900,
but now it's $10,000.
159
00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:02,297
Excuse me?
160
00:06:02,364 --> 00:06:04,265
The Newport campaign
offered me 10 grand
161
00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:06,266
to just rent the vans
and park them somewhere.
162
00:06:06,334 --> 00:06:08,035
So I'm going to tear up
your contract,
163
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,036
and I'm going to take the money.
164
00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:10,070
Anything else?
165
00:06:10,138 --> 00:06:12,205
No? Great.
166
00:06:12,273 --> 00:06:13,307
Well, what now?
167
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,741
He's just playing hardball.
168
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,876
Let me tell you
how it's gonna go down.
169
00:06:16,945 --> 00:06:18,412
In a few minutes,
we'll walk in there,
170
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,480
we'll give him our demands,
and then, bam!
171
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,581
I start crying.
172
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:24,483
[Sobbing]
We need the vans, so please,
173
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,218
give the vans, please?
174
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,087
We need the vans.
175
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:31,390
And if elected,
I promise to stop the Newports
176
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:34,660
and Sweetums from
blatantly dumping contaminants
177
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:35,894
into the Pawnee river.
178
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,629
[Cheers and applause]
179
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:41,567
Leslie, can you comment
on Bobby's father Nick Newport?
180
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:44,470
Nick Newport has been
intimidating and bullying
181
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:46,204
and poisoning
this town for years.
182
00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:48,340
Frankly, he's a real jerk,
183
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:49,875
and if he thinks he can buy
this election for his son,
184
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,076
he's wrong.
185
00:06:51,143 --> 00:06:52,377
Sorry, I meant
can you comment on
186
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:55,580
Nick Newport
dying earlier today?
187
00:06:55,647 --> 00:06:58,883
He died?
188
00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:01,251
I...
189
00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:02,419
Sad.
190
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,721
Is that
your official statement?
191
00:07:03,789 --> 00:07:04,856
"I sad"?
192
00:07:05,423 --> 00:07:08,526
No, my official statement is
193
00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,194
that is overall,
194
00:07:11,261 --> 00:07:12,195
a bummer.
195
00:07:12,262 --> 00:07:13,597
Oof.
196
00:07:13,664 --> 00:07:16,867
And--and together
we can build a better Pawnee.
197
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:20,736
- ♪ Get on your feet ♪
- No, this is isn't the time.
198
00:07:20,804 --> 00:07:22,972
No, guys.
♪ Get up and make it happen ♪
199
00:07:25,621 --> 00:07:27,089
Frankly, he's a real jerk.
200
00:07:27,357 --> 00:07:30,892
Harsh words, but this reporter
does love those t-shirt cannons.
201
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,327
Now, Jen, what are
your thoughts about all of this?
202
00:07:33,395 --> 00:07:34,963
This is not a time
for politics.
203
00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:37,998
I am calling on Leslie Knope
to cancel
204
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,700
all of her campaign events
205
00:07:39,768 --> 00:07:41,668
out of respect
for the Newport family.
206
00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:44,137
Anything else would
be a classless move,
207
00:07:44,205 --> 00:07:49,876
on par with spray-painting
nipples on the Lincoln memorial.
208
00:07:49,894 --> 00:07:51,395
Okay, emergency meeting.
209
00:07:51,462 --> 00:07:53,530
I need everyone
to gather around me
210
00:07:53,597 --> 00:07:54,998
in order of
how much I trust them.
211
00:07:55,066 --> 00:07:57,066
[Exhales]
212
00:07:57,134 --> 00:07:59,302
Here's the situation.
A man has died.
213
00:07:59,369 --> 00:08:02,405
But that man is 98 years old,
and he's an awful man.
214
00:08:02,472 --> 00:08:03,973
However, he is a man,
and he died.
215
00:08:04,041 --> 00:08:06,108
Also, you called
the dead man a jerk.
216
00:08:06,176 --> 00:08:07,576
However,
he was a jerk.
217
00:08:07,644 --> 00:08:09,011
He put a lot of people
out of work,
218
00:08:09,079 --> 00:08:10,947
he had tons of mistresses,
219
00:08:11,014 --> 00:08:12,547
he polluted this town.
220
00:08:12,614 --> 00:08:14,082
Okay, Ben, what do we do?
221
00:08:14,150 --> 00:08:16,451
Okay, it's unfortunate,
but the stakes are too high.
222
00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:20,021
We can't just stop campaigning.
We stop, we lose.
223
00:08:20,089 --> 00:08:21,756
[Snaps fingers]
Good answer, great body.
224
00:08:21,824 --> 00:08:22,690
Ann, try to beat
what he said.
225
00:08:22,758 --> 00:08:24,225
I'm not going to beat him.
226
00:08:24,293 --> 00:08:25,760
Not with that attitude.
227
00:08:25,828 --> 00:08:27,262
Okay, fine.
I think you should stop.
228
00:08:27,330 --> 00:08:28,996
At least until you apologize
to Bobby in person.
229
00:08:29,064 --> 00:08:30,564
April?
230
00:08:30,631 --> 00:08:32,799
I wasn't listening, but
I strongly disagree with Ann.
231
00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:33,968
Andy?
232
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:37,037
[Stammering]
If the--if the guy--if--
233
00:08:37,105 --> 00:08:38,538
Okay.
234
00:08:38,606 --> 00:08:40,240
I absolutely think that
we should keep campaigning.
235
00:08:40,308 --> 00:08:42,343
The worst possible thing
we could do would be to stop,
236
00:08:42,410 --> 00:08:44,810
'cause if the campaign stops,
we all stop.
237
00:08:44,878 --> 00:08:46,912
And stopping is certain death.
Who wants a panini?
238
00:08:46,981 --> 00:08:47,913
Anyone? Everyone?
239
00:08:47,982 --> 00:08:49,082
I'm going to say everyone.
240
00:08:49,149 --> 00:08:50,649
All right.
[Door closes]
241
00:08:50,717 --> 00:08:52,018
All right, Leslie,
what's your call?
242
00:08:52,086 --> 00:08:55,421
Ann, there is nothing harder
in the entire world
243
00:08:55,489 --> 00:08:57,156
than saying no
to your beautiful face.
244
00:08:57,224 --> 00:08:58,391
But I'm going to.
245
00:08:58,459 --> 00:08:59,925
No! We're going
to keep campaigning.
246
00:08:59,993 --> 00:09:01,759
Okay, but we're going to do it
in a classy and respectful way
247
00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:02,861
to get Ann off of our backs.
248
00:09:02,928 --> 00:09:04,396
What's next on the "schedge?"
249
00:09:04,964 --> 00:09:06,398
If you let Newport
have the vans,
250
00:09:06,466 --> 00:09:07,932
they just sit there in a lot.
251
00:09:08,001 --> 00:09:11,103
If you let us have the vans,
they drive around town all day.
252
00:09:11,170 --> 00:09:14,039
Free publicity.
Everyone will see your logo.
253
00:09:14,107 --> 00:09:17,574
Which is you all pressed
up on some chick with huge cans.
254
00:09:17,642 --> 00:09:19,243
Yeah.
It was a hell of a day.
255
00:09:19,311 --> 00:09:20,744
People need to know about it.
256
00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:22,813
And I don't need free publicity.
257
00:09:22,881 --> 00:09:26,217
I can just pay for it.
With my $10,000.
258
00:09:26,284 --> 00:09:28,486
Look, I ain't gonna try
to play a player.
259
00:09:28,553 --> 00:09:29,387
You're trying
to get beaucoup bucks
260
00:09:29,454 --> 00:09:30,388
just like the rest of us.
261
00:09:30,455 --> 00:09:31,755
So how about this?
262
00:09:31,823 --> 00:09:34,657
I have a business idea
for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt.
263
00:09:34,725 --> 00:09:36,859
I call it...
Yogurt platinum.
264
00:09:36,927 --> 00:09:38,328
I'll let you in
on the ground floor.
265
00:09:38,396 --> 00:09:40,030
And let me tell you,
it's going to be
266
00:09:40,097 --> 00:09:41,731
worth way more
than 10 grand.
267
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:43,533
Yeah, but now that
I know your bad idea,
268
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:47,504
I can start the company myself.
With my $10,000.
269
00:09:47,571 --> 00:09:49,571
No, you can't do that!
Ron!
270
00:09:49,639 --> 00:09:52,341
Tom, Donna, could
you please give us a moment?
271
00:09:52,409 --> 00:09:54,809
I'd like to talk to Bill,
man to man.
272
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,678
He's gonna steal
yogurt platinum.
273
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,180
No, I'm not.
274
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,098
"We're all your friends,"
said Mr. bacon.
275
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:03,368
"Welcome home."
The end.
276
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,803
And that is
Groffle, the awful Waffle,
277
00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:07,705
a book that
I wrote and published
278
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,040
on behalf
of my education initiative.
279
00:10:10,308 --> 00:10:11,274
Any questions?
280
00:10:11,342 --> 00:10:12,276
Yes?
281
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:15,045
How did Groffle cross
the syrup river?
282
00:10:15,113 --> 00:10:17,348
And why did you call
Mr. Newport a jerk?
283
00:10:17,916 --> 00:10:21,484
Ah--well, I should not have
called Nick Newport a jerk,
284
00:10:21,552 --> 00:10:24,253
because we need to be respectful
of all dead people.
285
00:10:24,322 --> 00:10:27,490
I mean, not Stalin or Hitler,
but--
286
00:10:27,558 --> 00:10:29,326
I'm not calling
Nick Newport Hitler.
287
00:10:29,393 --> 00:10:30,828
Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up
288
00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:33,096
to what I'm now deciding
to call "jerk-gate."
289
00:10:33,164 --> 00:10:35,165
Are there any other
deceased members
290
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,333
of Bobby Newport's family
you'd like to attack?
291
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,968
And quit ducking
the waffle question.
292
00:10:39,036 --> 00:10:40,903
Did Groffle use
a boat of some kind?
293
00:10:40,971 --> 00:10:41,971
All right, that's all
the questions for now.
294
00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:43,372
Thank you, everybody.
295
00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:45,591
Are we to assume that he swam
across the syrup river?
296
00:10:45,658 --> 00:10:46,592
Ms. Knope!
297
00:10:46,659 --> 00:10:47,893
I'm never going to get away
298
00:10:47,961 --> 00:10:50,095
from these Nick Newport
questions.
299
00:10:50,162 --> 00:10:51,897
It's obvious
what you need to do.
300
00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:54,949
You have to apologize
to Bobby and stop campaigning.
301
00:10:55,617 --> 00:10:56,684
Okay, fine.
302
00:10:57,252 --> 00:10:59,054
We go to Bobby Newport,
you apologize...
303
00:10:59,121 --> 00:11:00,688
Good.
304
00:11:00,756 --> 00:11:02,057
And then we leak
the details to the press,
305
00:11:02,124 --> 00:11:04,792
which restores your reputation
and buys us enough time
306
00:11:04,861 --> 00:11:06,561
- to finish the bus tour.
- Nice.
307
00:11:06,628 --> 00:11:08,229
No, that's not a real apology.
308
00:11:08,296 --> 00:11:09,930
It's just sneaky.
I don't like it.
309
00:11:09,998 --> 00:11:12,032
Ann, for once,
this is not about you.
310
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,902
A man is dead.
311
00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:18,054
Look, friend,
I respect your slavish devotion
312
00:11:18,123 --> 00:11:19,389
to the free market,
313
00:11:19,457 --> 00:11:21,558
but you can't welch
on a contract.
314
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:22,926
[Chuckles]
315
00:11:22,994 --> 00:11:26,095
Where I come from,
a man's word is sacred.
316
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:28,464
Okay, what's your stance
on pinky swears,
317
00:11:28,532 --> 00:11:30,399
George Washington?
318
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:32,101
I'm taking the money.
319
00:11:32,919 --> 00:11:35,088
Fine.
I'll match it.
320
00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,656
I'll give you
$10,000 for the vans.
321
00:11:37,724 --> 00:11:39,091
Deal?
322
00:11:39,158 --> 00:11:41,158
No. Price has gone up.
323
00:11:41,226 --> 00:11:42,293
Now it's $12,000.
324
00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:43,361
What? Why?
325
00:11:43,429 --> 00:11:44,596
Look,
326
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:46,964
I own a fleet
of 22 crappy white vans,
327
00:11:47,032 --> 00:11:48,500
and for some reason
there's a massive bidding war
328
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,034
going on over them.
329
00:11:50,102 --> 00:11:53,538
Now for a guy whose only assets
are 22 crappy white vans,
330
00:11:53,606 --> 00:11:55,139
it's pretty much
a dream scenario,
331
00:11:55,207 --> 00:11:57,173
so I'm just going
to ride this out,
332
00:11:57,241 --> 00:11:59,309
see where it takes me.
333
00:11:59,377 --> 00:12:01,244
And now it's 15,000.
334
00:12:01,312 --> 00:12:04,247
Okay, I talked Newport's
people into giving us
335
00:12:04,315 --> 00:12:06,216
ten minutes alone with Bobby,
336
00:12:06,284 --> 00:12:07,818
so we get in there,
we apologize,
337
00:12:07,886 --> 00:12:09,453
and then we get back
on the campaign trail.
338
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,254
Okay, how do we leak this
to the press?
339
00:12:11,322 --> 00:12:12,289
Do we, like, release
a statement?
340
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:13,656
Do we call somebody?
341
00:12:13,724 --> 00:12:16,559
Um, I don't think that's going
to be a problem.
342
00:12:16,627 --> 00:12:19,529
Oh, my God, why are
there so many people here?
343
00:12:19,596 --> 00:12:22,064
It's a trap.
It's a trap!
344
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,433
We got to get out of here.
Turn around! Turn around!
345
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,802
This is a time of solemnity
and remembrance.
346
00:12:25,869 --> 00:12:29,838
This is not a time
for politi--
347
00:12:29,906 --> 00:12:32,407
[tires screech]
Oh, wow.
348
00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:36,010
Leslie Knope is
driving her campaign bus
349
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:37,446
through a memorial service.
350
00:12:37,513 --> 00:12:38,880
- Back it up!
- Back it up!
351
00:12:38,948 --> 00:12:40,281
- Okay, back up!
- Back it up!
352
00:12:40,349 --> 00:12:42,283
Just when we thought
she couldn't stoop any lower.
353
00:12:42,351 --> 00:12:44,085
[Bus beeping]
Just--oh!
354
00:12:44,153 --> 00:12:45,285
[Gasps]
355
00:12:45,353 --> 00:12:47,020
- Oh!
- Aah!
356
00:12:47,088 --> 00:12:48,556
- Uh...
- Go forward!
357
00:12:48,623 --> 00:12:50,324
Go forward!
Go forward!
358
00:12:50,391 --> 00:12:52,493
I feel like
he's dying all over again.
359
00:12:52,561 --> 00:12:54,462
- Stop it!
- Ah!
360
00:12:54,529 --> 00:12:57,598
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
361
00:13:02,336 --> 00:13:03,570
[Camera shutter clicks]
362
00:13:03,637 --> 00:13:07,406
Hi...
Sorry, are we late?
363
00:13:11,579 --> 00:13:13,947
So I--I hate
to bring this up again,
364
00:13:14,014 --> 00:13:15,949
but I just want to make sure
that I'm going to get paid.
365
00:13:16,016 --> 00:13:18,084
It was a handshake agreement
with Mr. Newport.
366
00:13:18,152 --> 00:13:19,319
It was for a lot of money.
367
00:13:19,386 --> 00:13:20,887
Anyway,
you can wire-transfer it.
368
00:13:20,955 --> 00:13:22,255
Sorry for your loss.
369
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:23,389
I can't believe
you turned this situation
370
00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:25,024
into a political sideshow.
371
00:13:25,092 --> 00:13:26,492
Oh, come on,
you guys were only going
372
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:27,493
to apologize for the press.
373
00:13:27,561 --> 00:13:29,895
No way, that's not us.
You don't know us at all.
374
00:13:29,963 --> 00:13:30,929
It's rude to say it.
375
00:13:30,997 --> 00:13:32,164
We wouldn't even think it.
376
00:13:32,232 --> 00:13:33,666
Yeah,
that's a ridiculous claim.
377
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:37,403
We brought a "sorry
for your loss" fruit basket
378
00:13:37,471 --> 00:13:38,637
for Bobby.
379
00:13:38,705 --> 00:13:41,674
And it is very classy.
No melon, no apples.
380
00:13:41,742 --> 00:13:43,342
You were going to use us,
381
00:13:43,409 --> 00:13:45,142
and we just turned
the tables on you.
382
00:13:45,210 --> 00:13:46,778
'Cause I'm smarter and faster.
383
00:13:46,846 --> 00:13:48,813
That is not a judgment.
That's just a fact.
384
00:13:48,881 --> 00:13:51,783
We're both just doing whatever
it takes to win, right?
385
00:13:51,851 --> 00:13:53,184
[Chuckles]
386
00:13:53,252 --> 00:13:55,086
I love polka dots.
It's so cute.
387
00:13:55,153 --> 00:13:56,388
[Sighs]
388
00:13:56,455 --> 00:13:57,889
I'm sorry,
I should have seen this coming.
389
00:13:57,956 --> 00:13:59,956
And we should not
have driven here
390
00:14:00,024 --> 00:14:01,592
on a bus
with your face on it.
391
00:14:01,659 --> 00:14:02,893
No, it's my fault.
392
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:03,794
And you know what?
Jen is right.
393
00:14:03,862 --> 00:14:04,961
I'm no better than her.
394
00:14:05,529 --> 00:14:07,697
No, Leslie,
yes, you are.
395
00:14:07,765 --> 00:14:10,133
All you need to do is
stop the machine for a second
396
00:14:10,201 --> 00:14:11,935
and go apologize to Bobby.
397
00:14:12,003 --> 00:14:14,470
Alone without cameras.
398
00:14:14,538 --> 00:14:16,939
Thanks, Ann, but where was
that advice six hours ago?
399
00:14:17,007 --> 00:14:18,407
That's not going to work.
400
00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:20,009
I had to try.
401
00:14:20,576 --> 00:14:22,912
[Pounding on piano keys]
402
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,281
April.
403
00:14:25,348 --> 00:14:27,149
I just got Champion
his dog food,
404
00:14:27,217 --> 00:14:29,051
cleaned your house,
filed that paperwork--
405
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:31,153
you're officially
April Ludgate Dwyer,
406
00:14:31,221 --> 00:14:33,354
installed a smoke detector,
and now I'm back.
407
00:14:33,422 --> 00:14:34,455
What's next?
408
00:14:34,523 --> 00:14:35,689
Nothing, Chris.
409
00:14:35,757 --> 00:14:38,092
Just sit down somewhere
and stop bothering me.
410
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,227
[Laughs]
I can't.
411
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,930
I've had a very tough year.
412
00:14:41,997 --> 00:14:45,800
I can't stop thinking about
Ann and Millicent.
413
00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:47,368
And if I'm alone
with my thoughts,
414
00:14:47,436 --> 00:14:49,336
I go to a dark place.
415
00:14:49,404 --> 00:14:51,571
Okay, first of all,
dark places are awesome.
416
00:14:51,639 --> 00:14:54,975
Secondly, Ann is kind of lame,
so way to dodge a bullet.
417
00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:58,245
And Millicent is Jerry's
daughter, so two bullets.
418
00:14:58,313 --> 00:15:02,715
And you're not alone.
You've got... lots of friends.
419
00:15:02,783 --> 00:15:04,917
Somewhere.
420
00:15:04,985 --> 00:15:06,852
I assume.
421
00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:09,088
You're going to be just fine.
422
00:15:09,156 --> 00:15:12,691
Thank you.
You're right.
423
00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,793
I'll be fine.
424
00:15:14,861 --> 00:15:16,595
I'm not fine.
It didn't work.
425
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:22,900
[Pins crashing down]
426
00:15:23,469 --> 00:15:25,002
Hey, Bobby.
427
00:15:25,070 --> 00:15:27,805
Oh, hi.
428
00:15:27,873 --> 00:15:29,206
Want to play bowling?
429
00:15:29,274 --> 00:15:31,609
Why don't you play
with the real one?
430
00:15:32,378 --> 00:15:35,113
Oh.
I like this one better.
431
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:37,714
The little guy looks like me.
See?
432
00:15:37,782 --> 00:15:39,950
Hey, can we talk
for a second?
433
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:43,153
Look, I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry your dad died,
434
00:15:43,221 --> 00:15:45,655
and I'm really, really sorry
I called him a jerk.
435
00:15:46,223 --> 00:15:47,958
That's okay.
436
00:15:48,026 --> 00:15:50,827
He was, like,
a million years old.
437
00:15:51,395 --> 00:15:53,296
And he was kind of a jerk.
438
00:15:53,364 --> 00:15:56,032
The only reason I did this
campaign was to impress him,
439
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,368
and he couldn't have cared less.
440
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:02,838
You know, my mom was a great
athlete when she was a kid.
441
00:16:02,906 --> 00:16:06,075
So in junior high,
I joined the track team
442
00:16:06,143 --> 00:16:09,411
to impress her,
even though I hated it.
443
00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:10,945
And at the end of the year,
444
00:16:11,014 --> 00:16:15,150
I ran the 5,000 meters
in this huge track event.
445
00:16:15,218 --> 00:16:19,254
And I finished dead last.
446
00:16:19,322 --> 00:16:21,856
And I thought that she was going
to be really disappointed in me.
447
00:16:21,924 --> 00:16:23,392
But she wasn't.
448
00:16:23,459 --> 00:16:27,194
She ran up to me, and she
wrapped me up in this big hug,
449
00:16:27,262 --> 00:16:30,398
and she told me she had never
been more proud of me.
450
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:34,402
Thanks, Leslie.
That's a great story.
451
00:16:35,469 --> 00:16:38,472
I'm not 100% sure
I get the point, but--
452
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,640
You finished this race,
Bobby.
453
00:16:40,707 --> 00:16:43,343
The campaign is over,
and you finished.
454
00:16:44,411 --> 00:16:45,578
Win or lose,
455
00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:50,750
I bet you anything that
your dad was proud of you.
456
00:16:50,817 --> 00:16:51,951
Now I get it.
457
00:16:52,019 --> 00:16:53,253
There you go.
458
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,222
Your mom and my dad
are both dicks.
459
00:16:57,290 --> 00:16:59,291
There's no vans
within 50 miles,
460
00:16:59,359 --> 00:17:00,993
and, for some reason,
461
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:03,162
no one wants
to lend me $10,000.
462
00:17:03,229 --> 00:17:04,930
Even if we had the dough,
463
00:17:04,997 --> 00:17:07,866
that bunco artist would just
demand more, trust me.
464
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:09,301
[Honks horn]
465
00:17:09,369 --> 00:17:11,103
Don't move.
Let's just stay here.
466
00:17:11,171 --> 00:17:12,836
For like an hour,
and not let him out.
467
00:17:12,904 --> 00:17:15,206
This isn't right.
Our girl's worked hard.
468
00:17:15,274 --> 00:17:16,774
We're so close.
469
00:17:16,841 --> 00:17:18,809
[Crash]
470
00:17:18,877 --> 00:17:21,379
I know he didn't
just hit my baby!
471
00:17:21,447 --> 00:17:23,181
Hey!
What the hell, guys?
472
00:17:23,248 --> 00:17:24,482
Move!
473
00:17:24,550 --> 00:17:25,683
All right.
474
00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:28,485
Y'all got your seat belts on?
475
00:17:28,553 --> 00:17:30,253
[Revs engine]
Oh!
476
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:31,888
[Tires screeching]
477
00:17:31,956 --> 00:17:33,156
Did you see that?
478
00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:36,126
That son of a bitch
just rear-ended me.
479
00:17:36,194 --> 00:17:37,394
Am I dead?
480
00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:38,462
What the hell?
481
00:17:38,529 --> 00:17:41,864
Exactly, Bill.
What the hell?
482
00:17:41,932 --> 00:17:43,166
You just rear-ended me.
483
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:44,533
That is not what happened.
484
00:17:44,601 --> 00:17:46,469
- But I got witnesses.
- Yeah.
485
00:17:46,536 --> 00:17:48,437
It went down exactly the way
my girl said it did,
486
00:17:48,505 --> 00:17:49,938
you mean, bald man.
487
00:17:50,006 --> 00:17:53,742
Hey, what about you,
Mr. "A man's word is sacred"?
488
00:17:53,810 --> 00:17:56,912
Well, it is,
but you're an ass[Bleep].
489
00:17:56,980 --> 00:17:58,314
So we can settle this now.
490
00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:01,949
I will accept payment
in van rentals.
491
00:18:02,617 --> 00:18:03,985
Gah!
492
00:18:04,052 --> 00:18:05,753
All right,
let's go to the video again.
493
00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:08,856
Sweet kick,
Leslie exits the building,
494
00:18:08,924 --> 00:18:10,658
and then you get hit.
495
00:18:10,726 --> 00:18:15,096
[Laughs]
496
00:18:15,364 --> 00:18:16,463
What else do we know?
497
00:18:17,031 --> 00:18:20,134
We know that Leslie was
about 15 feet in front of you,
498
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:22,836
so clearly the assailant
has terrible aim.
499
00:18:22,903 --> 00:18:23,803
Mm-hmm.
500
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,374
Or...
501
00:18:27,442 --> 00:18:29,176
Leslie wasn't the target.
502
00:18:29,244 --> 00:18:31,112
Well, who then?
503
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,680
Okay, that's permanent marker.
504
00:18:34,748 --> 00:18:36,582
Go find Ben,
505
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:38,217
get a list of everyone
he's ever fired.
506
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,620
Go, go!
507
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:44,190
Macklin,
you son of a bitch.
508
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:46,859
A lot of people
have been asking me
509
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,960
how I feel about everything
that's happened today.
510
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,828
Well, let me tell you
a little story.
511
00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:54,366
My dad was this amazing athlete
when he was a kid.
512
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:57,769
When I was in junior high,
I started doing track
513
00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:59,237
just to impress him...
[Scoffs]
514
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:00,639
Even though I hated it.
515
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:04,375
At the end of the year,
I entered the 5,000 meters.
516
00:19:04,442 --> 00:19:08,212
And I won.
It was awesome.
517
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:12,583
My dad wrapped me in a big hug,
said he was proud of me.
518
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,419
That's just a great story that
happened between me and my dad
519
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,420
and nobody else.
520
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:17,655
Oh, we're dead.
521
00:19:17,722 --> 00:19:19,423
- It's over.
- That's my story.
522
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:22,124
Before I go, I want to
bring up a special guest.
523
00:19:22,193 --> 00:19:25,328
Somebody who's been very
supportive and mega cool today.
524
00:19:25,396 --> 00:19:27,564
Leslie Knope.
Will you come up here?
525
00:19:27,631 --> 00:19:29,632
- What?
- Come on, come up here.
526
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,133
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Do--
527
00:19:31,202 --> 00:19:33,536
You know, Leslie's been
getting a lot of heat today,
528
00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:36,438
but I want you all to know that
we talked person-to-person,
529
00:19:36,506 --> 00:19:38,240
and she's really great.
530
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:41,009
People should stop being
so mean to her.
531
00:19:41,077 --> 00:19:43,445
In fact, if you don't vote
for me tomorrow,
532
00:19:43,513 --> 00:19:45,247
you should vote for her,
533
00:19:45,315 --> 00:19:48,083
because she's super,
super awesome lady.
534
00:19:48,150 --> 00:19:50,985
Leslie, we did it!
Yeah!
535
00:19:51,053 --> 00:19:52,486
[Applause]
536
00:19:52,554 --> 00:19:54,922
Maybe we're not dead.
537
00:19:56,289 --> 00:19:57,658
Chris, right?
538
00:19:57,726 --> 00:19:59,360
Hi, I'm Jen.
539
00:19:59,428 --> 00:20:00,928
Hello.
540
00:20:00,995 --> 00:20:03,231
You know, there are
30 bedrooms in this house.
541
00:20:03,298 --> 00:20:06,066
Bobby's in one,
there's a dead guy in another,
542
00:20:06,134 --> 00:20:07,901
the rest are free.
543
00:20:07,969 --> 00:20:10,470
What do you say?
544
00:20:10,538 --> 00:20:13,973
Oh!
That is very flattering.
545
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:17,076
But you're the opposition
campaign manager.
546
00:20:17,144 --> 00:20:19,178
I--I couldn't do that to Leslie.
547
00:20:19,247 --> 00:20:20,647
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
548
00:20:20,715 --> 00:20:23,583
This campaign is over.
My job is done and so is yours.
549
00:20:23,651 --> 00:20:25,252
It's just sex.
550
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,887
I'm very good at it.
551
00:20:28,955 --> 00:20:29,888
- Okay.
- Great!
552
00:20:29,956 --> 00:20:31,156
- [Giggles]
- Let's do it.
553
00:20:32,224 --> 00:20:33,558
Haven't got all day, honey.
554
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,705
Sewage Joe.
555
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,641
Ben Wyatt fired you
for sending pictures
556
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:43,842
of your penis to everyone,
557
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,811
and you've come here
to "pie" him.
558
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,178
Little twerp has it coming.
559
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,212
[Laughs]
Oh, dude, I dare you.
560
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:50,816
Please.
561
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:52,818
Give me one reason
to take you down.
562
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,385
I would love nothing more--
563
00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:57,488
Oh, [Bleep].
Ben, sorry.
564
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,056
All right, let's go.
[Handcuffs click]
565
00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:00,825
Oh, I did it!
566
00:21:02,192 --> 00:21:04,527
Yeah.
Great job.
567
00:21:04,636 --> 00:21:10,036
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net