1 00:00:00,832 --> 00:00:04,362 This is a historic day. At 12:01 this morning, 2 00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:06,200 the city of Eagleton ceased to exist 3 00:00:06,251 --> 00:00:08,252 and was re-absorbed back into Pawnee. 4 00:00:08,286 --> 00:00:10,087 Things are exactly the way they were 5 00:00:10,121 --> 00:00:12,105 back in 1817, except, you know, 6 00:00:12,157 --> 00:00:13,740 women and minorities can vote, 7 00:00:13,775 --> 00:00:15,259 we have indoor toilets, 8 00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:18,228 and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic. 9 00:00:18,262 --> 00:00:20,814 Councilwoman Knope is your merger czar, 10 00:00:20,865 --> 00:00:22,466 and in the binders that she's provided, 11 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,302 you will find directions to your department in Pawnee 12 00:00:25,336 --> 00:00:27,905 that most closely matches your department in Eagleton. 13 00:00:27,939 --> 00:00:29,239 There are two Eagleton departments 14 00:00:29,257 --> 00:00:30,257 Pawnee does not have: 15 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:33,110 the Department of Infinity Pool Design 16 00:00:33,144 --> 00:00:34,778 and the Department of Dressage, 17 00:00:34,796 --> 00:00:37,247 which I am told is a fancy horse-riding thing. 18 00:00:37,265 --> 00:00:39,833 It is horse-dancing, madam. 19 00:00:39,868 --> 00:00:41,484 Okay, take it easy, Alonzo. 20 00:00:41,503 --> 00:00:44,287 All you horse dancing people, sit in your saddles if you will. 21 00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:46,723 The rest of you, welcome to your new departments. 22 00:00:46,757 --> 00:00:50,010 Attention: Eagleton is now under martial law. 23 00:00:50,044 --> 00:00:51,011 No. 24 00:00:53,982 --> 00:01:04,919 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 25 00:01:10,815 --> 00:01:12,332 Okay, Pawnee Parks Department. 26 00:01:12,383 --> 00:01:14,417 Soon, you will be paired up with a person 27 00:01:14,435 --> 00:01:16,720 who was roughly your equivalent in Eagleton. 28 00:01:16,738 --> 00:01:18,705 Donna, you'll be with Craig. 29 00:01:18,740 --> 00:01:21,174 April, you'll be with someone named Tynnyfer. 30 00:01:21,226 --> 00:01:23,510 And Ron, your guy is also named Ron. 31 00:01:23,545 --> 00:01:25,762 Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent. 32 00:01:25,797 --> 00:01:27,714 Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, 33 00:01:27,765 --> 00:01:29,132 just like the custom Nikes I designed 34 00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,852 that say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes. 35 00:01:31,903 --> 00:01:33,203 You do have a counterpart, actually. 36 00:01:33,237 --> 00:01:35,505 His name is Eric, and I've heard he's amazing. 37 00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:37,591 Anyway, I also have a little surprise. 38 00:01:37,642 --> 00:01:39,860 I would like to introduce our new filing temp. 39 00:01:39,911 --> 00:01:41,995 - Hey, everybody. - No! 40 00:01:42,046 --> 00:01:43,981 No, why? This can't be happening. 41 00:01:44,015 --> 00:01:45,365 Why, Leslie? 42 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,284 We brought Jerry out of retirement 43 00:01:47,318 --> 00:01:49,253 because we have a mountain of filing to get through. 44 00:01:49,287 --> 00:01:51,605 - Welcome back, Jerry Gergic. - Thank you, Leslie. 45 00:01:51,639 --> 00:01:53,323 And as long as we're starting out fresh, 46 00:01:53,357 --> 00:01:54,675 Leslie, I was wondering if people 47 00:01:54,709 --> 00:01:56,159 would call me by my real name. 48 00:01:56,177 --> 00:01:58,145 - Larry? - No, it's not Larry. 49 00:01:58,179 --> 00:02:00,163 It's Jerry. No, it's Gary. 50 00:02:00,198 --> 00:02:02,249 Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. 51 00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:03,650 His name is Larry Gengurch. 52 00:02:03,685 --> 00:02:05,102 Come on, April, it's already hard enough 53 00:02:05,136 --> 00:02:07,738 for my family when you call me "Gary." 54 00:02:07,772 --> 00:02:09,539 - Jerry. - Ha, ha, classic Larry. 55 00:02:09,573 --> 00:02:11,808 Larry. 56 00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:13,760 - Larry, Larry, Larry. - Aw, jeez. 57 00:02:13,795 --> 00:02:16,413 Look, I'm trying to save as many jobs as possible, 58 00:02:16,447 --> 00:02:18,348 but we're gonna have to lose some people. 59 00:02:18,383 --> 00:02:19,933 I'm not sure who we should keep. 60 00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:21,902 April, Tom and Donna are three of the best human beings 61 00:02:21,936 --> 00:02:23,287 that have ever lived. 62 00:02:23,321 --> 00:02:26,773 Ron is basically a better version of George Washington. 63 00:02:26,808 --> 00:02:31,495 But...the Eagletonians are probably good too. 64 00:02:31,529 --> 00:02:34,264 Today, we are not just merging two towns. 65 00:02:34,298 --> 00:02:36,650 We're throwing a birthday party for a new city. 66 00:02:36,701 --> 00:02:41,888 Happy birthday, New Pawnee. 67 00:02:41,939 --> 00:02:43,357 Party's over. 68 00:02:43,391 --> 00:02:46,376 You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, 69 00:02:46,410 --> 00:02:49,229 and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made. 70 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,281 You're not as nice as the other guy. 71 00:02:51,315 --> 00:02:53,250 I don't care. 72 00:02:53,284 --> 00:02:56,269 When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system. 73 00:02:56,321 --> 00:02:58,105 Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up 74 00:02:58,156 --> 00:02:59,840 and made them feel positive and happy. 75 00:02:59,874 --> 00:03:03,160 And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons. 76 00:03:03,194 --> 00:03:04,911 Like a majestic alley-oop. 77 00:03:04,946 --> 00:03:07,247 You're all amazing! 78 00:03:07,298 --> 00:03:09,182 You're all fired. 79 00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:10,817 Teamwork. 80 00:03:10,852 --> 00:03:12,903 Hi, you've reached the voicemail 81 00:03:12,937 --> 00:03:16,139 of Larry Gengurch. 82 00:03:16,174 --> 00:03:18,775 Please leave your message after the tone. 83 00:03:18,810 --> 00:03:20,443 Well, when Leslie called to see if I could help, 84 00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:23,380 Gayle and I were just getting on a cruise ship 85 00:03:23,398 --> 00:03:24,948 to the Bahamas. 86 00:03:24,982 --> 00:03:26,783 I said, "Gayle, put that bikini away, 87 00:03:26,818 --> 00:03:28,852 because Pawnee needs me." 88 00:03:28,886 --> 00:03:33,106 Oh ho! Somebody forgot a banana in here--ooh! 89 00:03:33,157 --> 00:03:34,791 Hi, I'm Donna. 90 00:03:34,826 --> 00:03:36,209 Oh, that is the perfect name for you. 91 00:03:36,244 --> 00:03:37,928 I love it. Never change it! 92 00:03:37,962 --> 00:03:41,097 Wasn't gonna. You're Craig, right? 93 00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:43,417 Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. 94 00:03:43,451 --> 00:03:45,502 It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. 95 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:46,887 Craig! Craig! 96 00:03:46,938 --> 00:03:48,605 I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, 97 00:03:48,639 --> 00:03:50,457 but that didn't happen. 98 00:03:50,508 --> 00:03:54,695 Okay. So here's my list of duties. 99 00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:56,913 I'm basically the office manager. 100 00:03:56,948 --> 00:03:59,299 - How about you? - Oh, I did everything. 101 00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:00,567 Everything! 102 00:04:00,601 --> 00:04:01,818 I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders 103 00:04:01,853 --> 00:04:03,403 for years, and I loved every second of it. 104 00:04:03,454 --> 00:04:06,289 You don't even know! 105 00:04:06,307 --> 00:04:07,707 I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer? 106 00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:10,444 No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. 107 00:04:10,495 --> 00:04:12,379 I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided 108 00:04:12,430 --> 00:04:14,981 to rebrand myself. 109 00:04:15,032 --> 00:04:17,250 Oh, wait, hang on. It's Xanax o'clock. 110 00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:24,541 Um, well, nice to meet you. 111 00:04:24,575 --> 00:04:25,909 My name's April, 112 00:04:25,943 --> 00:04:29,446 and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute 113 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,564 it's bonks. 114 00:04:30,615 --> 00:04:32,282 I saw my spinning instructor wearing it, 115 00:04:32,316 --> 00:04:34,501 and I was like, "Shut up. Where do I get that?" 116 00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,295 Oh, my God. Who's your spinning instructor? 117 00:04:36,304 --> 00:04:37,771 Gregory or Wynona? 118 00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:40,190 I go to Yonis. Who are Gregory and Wynona? 119 00:04:40,224 --> 00:04:41,157 I've never heard of them before. 120 00:04:41,175 --> 00:04:44,127 - Are they better? - Wynona rocks my world. 121 00:04:44,145 --> 00:04:45,779 Seriously, you need to get me in there. 122 00:04:45,813 --> 00:04:48,281 Like, that's a must, must, must. 123 00:04:48,316 --> 00:04:50,667 She's the worst person I've ever met. 124 00:04:50,701 --> 00:04:52,853 I want to travel the world with her. 125 00:04:52,887 --> 00:04:55,255 Ron. 126 00:04:55,289 --> 00:04:58,024 Ron. 127 00:04:58,059 --> 00:04:59,375 Last name? 128 00:04:59,393 --> 00:05:00,977 Dunne. 129 00:05:01,011 --> 00:05:02,746 Is that your name, 130 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,914 or are you telling me you're finished talking? 131 00:05:04,932 --> 00:05:07,768 Both. 132 00:05:07,819 --> 00:05:09,319 Dunne and done. 133 00:05:11,889 --> 00:05:16,092 I like Ron. 134 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:18,161 - Hi. - Well, well, well. 135 00:05:18,196 --> 00:05:19,296 You must be Eric. 136 00:05:19,330 --> 00:05:22,632 I'm Ragiv from I.T. This is E.R.I.C. 137 00:05:22,666 --> 00:05:24,568 E.R.I.C. is a computer program? 138 00:05:24,602 --> 00:05:27,270 Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center. 139 00:05:27,288 --> 00:05:29,039 It does all the scheduling in Eagleton. 140 00:05:29,073 --> 00:05:30,457 I'm here to install it. 141 00:05:30,508 --> 00:05:32,709 But scheduling's the main part of my job. 142 00:05:32,743 --> 00:05:33,827 You still have a human being 143 00:05:33,861 --> 00:05:35,311 in charge of booking tennis courts? 144 00:05:35,329 --> 00:05:37,580 What is this, 1990? 145 00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,182 I guess that explains the shoulder pads. 146 00:05:44,688 --> 00:05:46,556 How did he notice these? 147 00:05:46,591 --> 00:05:49,342 Hey, this is a surprise. 148 00:05:49,393 --> 00:05:51,695 Yeah, I just wanted to chat for a sec. 149 00:05:51,729 --> 00:05:54,164 You know, just so you could hear some things from me. 150 00:05:54,198 --> 00:05:56,032 Verbal things from my mouth. 151 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:57,384 Did that sound weird? 152 00:05:57,418 --> 00:05:59,686 - Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine. 153 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,987 First of all, this is Evelyn. 154 00:06:01,022 --> 00:06:02,606 Oh, hello. 155 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,125 She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. 156 00:06:05,159 --> 00:06:06,993 There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. 157 00:06:07,028 --> 00:06:08,812 Eagletonians are very healthy. 158 00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,146 Oh, well, this might be 159 00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:11,814 a very interesting challenge for you, 160 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,166 because Pawnee has the very first documented case 161 00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:14,918 of mega-diabetes. 162 00:06:14,952 --> 00:06:17,086 And the only know occurrence 163 00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:19,105 of Lou Gehrig's other disease. 164 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,924 We've been written about in textbooks. 165 00:06:20,942 --> 00:06:22,659 Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see you back in my office. 166 00:06:22,693 --> 00:06:25,996 I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face. 167 00:06:26,030 --> 00:06:28,465 Nice to meet you. Ahem. 168 00:06:28,499 --> 00:06:29,933 Wow. I feel sorry for her. 169 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:31,935 I mean, nobody can fill your shoes, Ann. 170 00:06:31,969 --> 00:06:33,603 With your tiny little doll feet. 171 00:06:33,637 --> 00:06:35,655 Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. 172 00:06:35,706 --> 00:06:38,708 I, uh, I'm gonna step down, 173 00:06:38,743 --> 00:06:41,077 and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. 174 00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:42,162 What? No. 175 00:06:42,213 --> 00:06:43,663 Did somebody put you up to this? 176 00:06:43,714 --> 00:06:46,115 Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster. 177 00:06:46,133 --> 00:06:47,217 No. No, no, no. 178 00:06:47,251 --> 00:06:48,919 Chris and I have been talking, 179 00:06:48,953 --> 00:06:51,304 and we are thinking very seriously 180 00:06:51,339 --> 00:06:52,973 about leaving Pawnee 181 00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:56,092 and moving somewhere else to start our family-- 182 00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:58,728 Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! 183 00:06:58,763 --> 00:07:01,147 - Delicious waffles. - Wait. 184 00:07:01,182 --> 00:07:03,066 Should we try? Yeah, let's try. 185 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,351 - Huh? - Mmm. 186 00:07:04,402 --> 00:07:05,902 - Wait, what were you saying? - Try. 187 00:07:05,937 --> 00:07:09,856 Just enjoy. Yeah. There we go. 188 00:07:11,826 --> 00:07:13,263 So, if I'm hearing you correctly, 189 00:07:13,422 --> 00:07:15,414 you're telling me you're not thinking about leaving Pawnee. 190 00:07:15,534 --> 00:07:17,177 I am thinking about leaving. 191 00:07:17,297 --> 00:07:19,715 Is this one of those classic Ann "not" jokes? 192 00:07:19,766 --> 00:07:21,483 Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee...not!" 193 00:07:21,518 --> 00:07:22,337 I don't do that. 194 00:07:22,457 --> 00:07:23,724 I was hoping that you had started. 195 00:07:23,841 --> 00:07:24,858 It's not definite. 196 00:07:24,892 --> 00:07:26,359 It's just neither of us are from Pawnee. 197 00:07:26,393 --> 00:07:29,475 And I have a whole family in Michigan. 198 00:07:29,595 --> 00:07:32,114 And Chris is missing life in a bigger city. 199 00:07:32,148 --> 00:07:33,965 And I just wanted... 200 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,080 to talk to you about it so you could hear it from me. 201 00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:39,806 - Do you hear that galloping? - Hmm? 202 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:42,963 Wha--oh, my-- look at that! 203 00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:46,078 Joe Biden on a horse shirtless. 204 00:07:46,112 --> 00:07:48,363 That's amazing! 205 00:07:48,398 --> 00:07:50,315 Uh, I've got a ton of work to do. 206 00:07:50,350 --> 00:07:52,234 I'm super busy, so you... 207 00:07:52,268 --> 00:07:55,286 can let yourself... 208 00:07:55,304 --> 00:07:58,190 Look, if Ann wants to leave Pawnee, I get it. 209 00:07:58,224 --> 00:07:59,574 I mean, who wants to stay 210 00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:01,460 in the greatest town in the world 211 00:08:01,494 --> 00:08:03,178 with her best friend and be happy forever 212 00:08:03,212 --> 00:08:06,164 when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe 213 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,583 and move to a garbage city full of jerks. 214 00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:11,853 I get it. No hard feelings. 215 00:08:11,888 --> 00:08:14,039 - You have to text me. - I will. 216 00:08:14,073 --> 00:08:15,323 Sorry for the delay, ladies, 217 00:08:15,375 --> 00:08:17,209 I was busy being ambushed by treachery. 218 00:08:17,243 --> 00:08:19,144 So did you have a chance to compare notes 219 00:08:19,178 --> 00:08:20,562 on your respective duties? 220 00:08:20,613 --> 00:08:21,697 Totally. 221 00:08:21,748 --> 00:08:23,565 Tynny and I have been, like, totally bonding. 222 00:08:23,599 --> 00:08:25,717 We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah blah blah! 223 00:08:25,751 --> 00:08:27,119 Like, talking, like, so much forever. 224 00:08:27,153 --> 00:08:29,571 - It was all so delicious. - I know, right? 225 00:08:29,622 --> 00:08:30,789 This is, like, the best day ever. 226 00:08:30,823 --> 00:08:32,641 I know, I'm eating it all up. 227 00:08:32,675 --> 00:08:34,192 Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming 228 00:08:34,226 --> 00:08:38,230 instead of wiling away like a dying turd flower. 229 00:08:38,264 --> 00:08:40,298 Totes. Um, we also came up 230 00:08:40,316 --> 00:08:41,983 with these nicknames for each other. 231 00:08:42,034 --> 00:08:45,187 Slut and Skank. 232 00:08:45,221 --> 00:08:46,855 How craze-mazing is that, Lez? 233 00:08:46,889 --> 00:08:49,408 Well, you know what I think is craze-mazing? Commitment. 234 00:08:49,442 --> 00:08:52,144 I'm looking for someone who's in it for the long haul. 235 00:08:52,178 --> 00:08:54,563 We are basically creating a new version of Pawnee, 236 00:08:54,597 --> 00:08:56,581 and if Pawnee is gonna commit to one of you, 237 00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:57,982 you need to commit to Pawnee. 238 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:58,967 Tynnyfer, do you have kids? 239 00:08:59,001 --> 00:09:00,102 Ew, no. 240 00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:01,486 I've had so much rejuvenation 241 00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:02,988 that I don't think a baby could get out of there 242 00:09:03,022 --> 00:09:04,289 if it tried. 243 00:09:04,323 --> 00:09:05,924 You know it. 244 00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,260 I guess we can make a switch to Bermuda grass. 245 00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:10,195 It's only 80 cents more per square foot? 246 00:09:10,229 --> 00:09:12,664 What? Gimme gimme gimme. 247 00:09:12,698 --> 00:09:15,567 You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate 248 00:09:15,601 --> 00:09:17,402 that's a six on Beaufort scale? 249 00:09:17,437 --> 00:09:19,004 In a park with zero drainage? 250 00:09:19,038 --> 00:09:21,473 I want Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10 percent discount, 251 00:09:21,507 --> 00:09:23,759 and I want you to apologize to my best friend Donna! 252 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,146 Yeah, hi. 253 00:09:28,164 --> 00:09:29,914 Is there-- and I'm just guessing here-- 254 00:09:29,932 --> 00:09:32,250 some kind of medication that you maybe 255 00:09:32,268 --> 00:09:34,152 need a lot of and have taken none of 256 00:09:34,186 --> 00:09:35,403 or maybe too much of today? 257 00:09:35,455 --> 00:09:37,422 Oh, I have a medical condition all right. 258 00:09:37,457 --> 00:09:39,357 It's called caring too much! 259 00:09:39,392 --> 00:09:41,726 And it's incurable! 260 00:09:41,744 --> 00:09:45,413 Also I have eczema. 261 00:09:45,465 --> 00:09:49,317 Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me a little about yourself. 262 00:09:49,352 --> 00:09:51,920 Well, I love the outdoors, love nature. 263 00:09:51,954 --> 00:09:53,455 Amen. 264 00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:55,423 I'm a big believer in environmental conservation. 265 00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,926 Recycling and composting and the like. 266 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,480 I'm a yoga nut. And I'm a nut nut. 267 00:10:02,765 --> 00:10:04,232 They make delicious milks, man. 268 00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:05,901 And I'm a vegan, of course. 269 00:10:05,935 --> 00:10:08,336 Slowly working toward full freegan-vegan. 270 00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:10,772 What in God's name is freegan-vegan? 271 00:10:10,807 --> 00:10:12,274 You only eat vegetables 272 00:10:12,325 --> 00:10:13,775 that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters. 273 00:10:13,826 --> 00:10:16,528 What is on your foot, sir? 274 00:10:16,562 --> 00:10:18,430 My trusty sandals. 275 00:10:18,464 --> 00:10:21,399 I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged. 276 00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:23,335 Same goes for all chickens. 277 00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:25,303 Well, Eagleton Ron, 278 00:10:25,338 --> 00:10:29,090 we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else. 279 00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,293 So would you be opposed to signing 280 00:10:31,327 --> 00:10:33,895 an official loyalty pledge to our new town? 281 00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:36,681 As long as that new town were open to the ideals 282 00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:39,284 of communal living, everyone pitches in 283 00:10:39,318 --> 00:10:40,919 towards a common good. 284 00:10:40,953 --> 00:10:42,771 In the immortal words of Cat Stevens, 285 00:10:42,805 --> 00:10:46,291 "If you want to be free, be free." 286 00:10:46,325 --> 00:10:49,261 I no longer like Ron. 287 00:10:49,295 --> 00:10:50,812 E.R.I.C. is an amazing program. 288 00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:52,998 Fast, fun and easy to use. 289 00:10:53,032 --> 00:10:55,634 But there's one thing no man or machine 290 00:10:55,668 --> 00:10:57,502 can beat Tom Haverford at-- 291 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,188 talking mad trash till I get what I want. 292 00:11:00,239 --> 00:11:02,624 This guy Eric is a disaster. 293 00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,626 - What do you mean? - Just a bad attitude. 294 00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:06,177 "Oh, I hate this place. Get me out here." 295 00:11:06,211 --> 00:11:08,647 That kind of thing. And unreliable. 296 00:11:08,681 --> 00:11:10,332 And racist. 297 00:11:10,366 --> 00:11:11,583 I think he may have even been to jail. 298 00:11:11,617 --> 00:11:13,051 Although, you know, 299 00:11:13,085 --> 00:11:14,636 maybe those are just regular face tattoos. 300 00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:17,239 Wow. That's not good. 301 00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:18,340 I should probably talk to him. 302 00:11:18,374 --> 00:11:20,091 Well, let me see if can turn him around. 303 00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:21,259 I don't want to put this on your plate. 304 00:11:21,293 --> 00:11:22,460 You have a lot to deal with. 305 00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:25,196 Thanks, Tom. You're the best. 306 00:11:26,949 --> 00:11:28,783 Okay, let's take a look at this list of assets 307 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,352 owned by the Eagleton government. 308 00:11:30,386 --> 00:11:32,954 400 Segway scooters. 309 00:11:32,989 --> 00:11:34,238 Sell 'em. They're gone. 310 00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:36,458 You had six full-time baristas on the payroll. 311 00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:38,143 The baristas are gone. 312 00:11:38,177 --> 00:11:40,445 As are the masseurs. 313 00:11:40,479 --> 00:11:42,297 And the full-time barista 314 00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:44,666 who provided coffee for the masseurs. 315 00:11:44,717 --> 00:11:45,984 It is excellent 316 00:11:46,018 --> 00:11:47,652 having the old band back together again. 317 00:11:47,687 --> 00:11:49,120 You know what? 318 00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:52,257 This calls for some celebratory lunges. 319 00:11:52,291 --> 00:11:54,009 One... 320 00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,293 two... 321 00:11:55,311 --> 00:11:56,528 All right, Donna. 322 00:11:56,562 --> 00:11:57,913 There's gonna have to be some cutbacks. 323 00:11:57,947 --> 00:11:59,364 I mean, your job is secure, of course. 324 00:11:59,382 --> 00:12:01,199 You're basically the glue of this department. 325 00:12:01,217 --> 00:12:03,518 But I think Craig's gonna have to go. 326 00:12:03,552 --> 00:12:05,236 No, you should keep him. 327 00:12:05,271 --> 00:12:07,455 He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone 328 00:12:07,490 --> 00:12:09,107 who cares more about this job. 329 00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:11,209 Uh, Donna, I'm right here. 330 00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:13,128 No joke. He might care more than you. 331 00:12:13,162 --> 00:12:14,746 Honestly, if I had to choose between him and me, 332 00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:16,715 - I'd choose him. - Wait, what are you saying? 333 00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:17,949 Are you thinking about leaving? 334 00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,283 I wasn't planning on it, but I could. 335 00:12:19,302 --> 00:12:20,852 You know, I got the condo in Seattle, 336 00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,153 the fiance in Denver. 337 00:12:22,188 --> 00:12:24,406 - Huh? - It won't last. 338 00:12:24,457 --> 00:12:26,257 Leslie, I would be happy to go back into retirement 339 00:12:26,292 --> 00:12:27,509 if you have to cut the staff. 340 00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:29,511 What? Even Larry wants out? 341 00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:30,802 What the hell is happening here? 342 00:12:30,813 --> 00:12:32,130 Does everybody think that running a town 343 00:12:32,164 --> 00:12:33,431 is just some game 344 00:12:33,449 --> 00:12:35,734 where people can come and go as they please? 345 00:12:35,768 --> 00:12:37,919 Okey-dokey, Leslie. You're mad at me. 346 00:12:37,954 --> 00:12:39,370 Don't take it out on everybody else. 347 00:12:39,388 --> 00:12:41,222 - It's not fair. - I'll tell you what's not fair. 348 00:12:41,257 --> 00:12:43,174 I'm gonna have to watch the Oscars with Ben 349 00:12:43,208 --> 00:12:44,476 alone this year. 350 00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,361 Last year, don't you remember 351 00:12:46,395 --> 00:12:48,363 Angelina Jolie and the leg dress moment? 352 00:12:48,414 --> 00:12:51,967 He had, and I quote, "no comment." 353 00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:53,018 How can you not have an extreme reaction 354 00:12:53,052 --> 00:12:54,185 about a dress like that? 355 00:12:54,219 --> 00:12:55,353 It just doesn't make any sense! 356 00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:57,322 - Okay, we need to talk. - I'm sorry, Ann. 357 00:12:57,356 --> 00:12:58,406 I can't understand you. 358 00:12:58,457 --> 00:12:59,538 You've developed some accent 359 00:12:59,542 --> 00:13:01,543 from that new town you might move to! 360 00:13:01,577 --> 00:13:03,762 It seems like no one around here 361 00:13:03,796 --> 00:13:05,597 understands the meaning of loyalty. 362 00:13:05,631 --> 00:13:07,799 I am the merger czar. I make the rules. 363 00:13:07,817 --> 00:13:09,317 And I'm gonna teach people the meaning of loyalty 364 00:13:09,368 --> 00:13:10,819 in a language they will understand-- 365 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:13,121 complicated legalese. 366 00:13:13,155 --> 00:13:15,373 Knope, what are these contracts? 367 00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:17,375 It's just a little something that I drew up 368 00:13:17,409 --> 00:13:18,927 for all the employees of the new town. 369 00:13:18,961 --> 00:13:20,628 Basic boilerplate language, 370 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,120 50-year commitment, blah, blah, blah. 371 00:13:22,131 --> 00:13:24,082 I'm so sorry, honey, but Tynny and I 372 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,801 won't sign anything until we speak with our life coach. 373 00:13:26,852 --> 00:13:27,886 When Eric saw this, 374 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,688 he smashed a bunch of computers. 375 00:13:29,722 --> 00:13:32,057 - Why are you doing this? - What's the big deal? 376 00:13:32,091 --> 00:13:33,608 I'm just trying to stop time 377 00:13:33,642 --> 00:13:35,527 with legally-binding friendship contracts. 378 00:13:35,561 --> 00:13:37,228 What part of that do you not understand? 379 00:13:37,262 --> 00:13:40,031 You have lost your mind. 380 00:13:40,066 --> 00:13:42,143 I think you need a spa day, Les. 381 00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:44,069 Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! 382 00:13:44,103 --> 00:13:45,476 Is that better? 383 00:13:48,635 --> 00:13:51,939 What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? 384 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,329 Yerba matte tea. 385 00:13:54,449 --> 00:13:56,116 Sweetened with stevia. 386 00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:58,318 It's an all-natural plant extract. 387 00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,237 Shut your damn mouth. 388 00:14:00,288 --> 00:14:01,208 No need to curse. 389 00:14:01,336 --> 00:14:02,670 There most certainly is. 390 00:14:02,688 --> 00:14:05,824 Okay, all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. 391 00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:08,960 All Pawnee people, sit at your desks. 392 00:14:08,994 --> 00:14:10,311 And take it personally. 393 00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:13,531 I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot, 394 00:14:13,566 --> 00:14:16,417 so I made unity cookies 395 00:14:16,435 --> 00:14:17,852 with the Pawnee town's original colors 396 00:14:17,886 --> 00:14:19,070 of blue and yellow. 397 00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:20,605 However, I did not have yellow frosting, 398 00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:22,006 so I had to use mustard. 399 00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:22,974 But do not worry. 400 00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:24,275 I put tons of sugar on them, 401 00:14:24,326 --> 00:14:25,360 so it will even it out. 402 00:14:26,395 --> 00:14:29,180 Mmm! Sugar mustard. 403 00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:31,432 That's awful kind of you, Leslie, 404 00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,117 but I'm afraid those are a little too sweet for me. 405 00:14:33,152 --> 00:14:35,086 I unhooked from that big sugar train 406 00:14:35,137 --> 00:14:36,888 over 30 years ago. 407 00:14:36,939 --> 00:14:39,624 You are a man of principle and I respect that, cool Ron. 408 00:14:39,658 --> 00:14:41,576 So, what's your story, new Ann? 409 00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:42,644 You're kind of pretty. 410 00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:43,595 I mean, you're not "Ann" pretty, 411 00:14:43,646 --> 00:14:44,596 but you have potential. 412 00:14:44,647 --> 00:14:45,730 Thank you, 413 00:14:45,781 --> 00:14:46,965 but I-I don't work in this department. 414 00:14:46,999 --> 00:14:48,115 Shut your kind of pretty mouth 415 00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,584 and, uh, eat a mustard cookie. 416 00:14:49,602 --> 00:14:52,120 Okay, so let's chit-chat, huh? 417 00:14:52,154 --> 00:14:53,654 Let's get to know each other 418 00:14:53,672 --> 00:14:54,806 and then become familiar best friends. 419 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,090 I don't have time for this. 420 00:14:56,124 --> 00:14:57,659 I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo 421 00:14:57,693 --> 00:14:59,611 as a tribute to the founders of Motown. 422 00:14:59,662 --> 00:15:00,995 That's so Craig. 423 00:15:01,029 --> 00:15:03,181 Oh, Craig! We have fun, don't we? 424 00:15:03,232 --> 00:15:05,016 Do you guys remember when this all started 425 00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,317 and I came in here with the cookies, 426 00:15:06,368 --> 00:15:08,102 and then Craig said something so Craig 427 00:15:08,137 --> 00:15:10,588 and we all laughed, and we were like, "Craig!" 428 00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:13,691 Do you think it would be weird if we held hands? 429 00:15:13,742 --> 00:15:14,959 - Probably. - This way, please. 430 00:15:14,994 --> 00:15:17,428 Excuse me, Ron, I am talking to my best friends. 431 00:15:17,463 --> 00:15:20,949 Let me go! Best friends, attack Ron! 432 00:15:20,983 --> 00:15:23,284 Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. 433 00:15:23,302 --> 00:15:25,603 It's been like watching Leonardo work. 434 00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:27,972 Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good. 435 00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:31,692 Thanks, man. I was in the zone today. 436 00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,628 This really has been a lot of fun. 437 00:15:33,662 --> 00:15:35,363 The old juice is back! 438 00:15:35,397 --> 00:15:36,864 Hey, should we keep this going? 439 00:15:36,899 --> 00:15:38,899 Celebratory dinner, just like the old days? 440 00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:41,002 Ben, that's a great idea. Hey, you know what? 441 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,804 I know who I'm gonna use to calculate tax and tip. 442 00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,424 Me? 443 00:15:46,458 --> 00:15:47,792 Can I just say something? 444 00:15:47,843 --> 00:15:49,944 I'm having so much fun right now. 445 00:15:49,979 --> 00:15:52,697 Oh, my God, me too. Like, so much fun. 446 00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:53,814 Can I just say something, though? 447 00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:54,815 - Yeah. - Okay. 448 00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,517 You don't want this job. 449 00:15:56,552 --> 00:15:59,103 Seriously, this place is the pits. 450 00:15:59,138 --> 00:16:00,071 It's like, if you worked here, 451 00:16:00,105 --> 00:16:01,322 you'd be like, "Ugh!" 452 00:16:01,357 --> 00:16:03,074 And Leslie would be like, "Blah, blah, blah." 453 00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:04,842 And you'd be like, "Uh..." 454 00:16:04,877 --> 00:16:06,094 Okay, can I say something? 455 00:16:06,128 --> 00:16:08,129 Right now, I totally think that you're right, 456 00:16:08,147 --> 00:16:10,448 and I had been thinking about going someplace warm 457 00:16:10,482 --> 00:16:12,500 while my husband is in jail. 458 00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:14,085 Oh, my God! Can I just say something? 459 00:16:14,136 --> 00:16:15,219 - Yes! - Okay. 460 00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:17,572 You should totally stay at my house in Miami. 461 00:16:17,606 --> 00:16:19,123 - What? - I'm serious. 462 00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:22,209 Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. 463 00:16:22,227 --> 00:16:24,062 The gate kind of jams sometimes, 464 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,396 but you can just jump it. 465 00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:27,365 You are so amazing right now. 466 00:16:27,416 --> 00:16:31,135 You're like skinny Mother Theresa. 467 00:16:31,186 --> 00:16:32,320 It's Dwayne Wade's house. 468 00:16:32,354 --> 00:16:34,889 I got his address off the Internet. 469 00:16:34,923 --> 00:16:36,658 I really hope he's there when she walks in 470 00:16:36,692 --> 00:16:39,510 and he throws a basketball at her head. 471 00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:41,312 Okay, enough is enough. 472 00:16:41,363 --> 00:16:42,523 What is wrong with you, woman? 473 00:16:42,531 --> 00:16:43,881 I don't need to explain myself to you! 474 00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:46,250 I am the czar. I can do as I please. 475 00:16:46,285 --> 00:16:50,355 Those who cross the czar feel the wrath of the czar! 476 00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:54,459 Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. 477 00:16:54,493 --> 00:16:56,761 Moving, with Chris. 478 00:16:56,812 --> 00:16:58,329 Well, that's nice. 479 00:16:58,364 --> 00:17:00,281 Nice, Ron? Edible arrangements are nice. 480 00:17:00,315 --> 00:17:02,800 This is volcanically hot betrayal! 481 00:17:02,851 --> 00:17:04,018 She is my best friend! 482 00:17:04,053 --> 00:17:05,813 She's thinking about leaving, just like that! 483 00:17:05,821 --> 00:17:07,622 And she wants to "talk to me" about it? 484 00:17:07,656 --> 00:17:09,707 It's like, I don't even know what to say. 485 00:17:09,742 --> 00:17:12,877 That you love her and you understand that it's her life, 486 00:17:12,928 --> 00:17:15,446 and geography will never change your feelings. 487 00:17:15,481 --> 00:17:16,748 Whatever. I don't even need her. 488 00:17:16,782 --> 00:17:18,566 I've got Tynnyfer now, and Craig, 489 00:17:18,584 --> 00:17:21,269 and Eric, the racist drug dealer who I've yet to meet. 490 00:17:21,303 --> 00:17:22,720 Those are my real friends. 491 00:17:22,771 --> 00:17:24,856 You can't force friendship, Leslie. 492 00:17:24,907 --> 00:17:26,457 It takes time. 493 00:17:26,492 --> 00:17:28,926 I once thought I had a friend. 494 00:17:28,961 --> 00:17:31,212 Then it turned out he was the single worst person 495 00:17:31,230 --> 00:17:32,713 I have ever met. 496 00:17:32,731 --> 00:17:35,867 I agree with Ron, Leslie. 497 00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:38,169 It's like Moz once said. 498 00:17:38,203 --> 00:17:41,522 "Hold on to your friends." 499 00:17:41,557 --> 00:17:44,158 Morrissey. The Smiths. 500 00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,610 You don't know Meat Is Murder? 501 00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:46,794 It's one of the best songs ever written 502 00:17:46,829 --> 00:17:49,029 about industrialized beef consumption. 503 00:17:49,048 --> 00:17:50,765 Okay, Eagleton Ron. 504 00:17:50,799 --> 00:17:52,233 I think it might be time for you to go. 505 00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:55,103 This Ron has the position pretty much locked up, 506 00:17:55,137 --> 00:17:58,156 and, uh, I don't think we have any room for you 507 00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,157 in our department. 508 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,324 Fair enough. 509 00:18:00,376 --> 00:18:02,410 I should have seen it. 510 00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:06,748 Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they? 511 00:18:06,782 --> 00:18:08,466 Just remember, Ron. 512 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,503 Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. 513 00:18:12,554 --> 00:18:15,640 The thirst only grows worse. 514 00:18:15,674 --> 00:18:17,175 Leslie, remove this man 515 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,761 before I commit an act of violence against him. 516 00:18:19,795 --> 00:18:23,564 Whatever you do, I won't fight back. 517 00:18:26,794 --> 00:18:28,793 After I defeated him in an epic struggle, 518 00:18:28,913 --> 00:18:29,896 E.R.I.C. is gone. 519 00:18:30,182 --> 00:18:32,744 He's been replaced by T.O.M.-- 520 00:18:32,864 --> 00:18:34,886 Town-wide Organizational Matrix. 521 00:18:36,021 --> 00:18:38,106 Big plans tonight, Craig? 522 00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:39,707 No, I have a ton of work to do. 523 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,995 Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant 524 00:18:42,013 --> 00:18:43,382 with episodes of Scandal. 525 00:18:43,502 --> 00:18:45,015 Scandal's my favorite show. 526 00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:47,685 I love every character, except for... 527 00:18:47,719 --> 00:18:49,002 Mellie. 528 00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,888 Oh! Of course you like Scandal! 529 00:18:50,939 --> 00:18:53,594 Because you're amazing! I love you. 530 00:18:53,714 --> 00:18:55,609 And no matter what happens with this job, 531 00:18:55,643 --> 00:18:57,861 I will always love you. 532 00:18:57,896 --> 00:18:58,862 Excuse me! 533 00:18:58,897 --> 00:19:01,582 Who even are you? 534 00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:03,183 How's your salad? 535 00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:04,535 Well, it's called the "Good Earth Salad," 536 00:19:04,569 --> 00:19:06,686 but really, it's just cheese, 537 00:19:06,705 --> 00:19:10,157 toffee, and gummy bear worms. 538 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,742 This town is really unhealthy. 539 00:19:11,793 --> 00:19:13,961 You know, I forgot that this part 540 00:19:13,995 --> 00:19:15,412 of being accounting bros 541 00:19:15,463 --> 00:19:16,830 was actually pretty depressing. 542 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,117 I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high 543 00:19:20,151 --> 00:19:21,585 of solving accounting puzzles, 544 00:19:21,636 --> 00:19:24,922 we were always just beat at the end of the day. 545 00:19:24,973 --> 00:19:26,173 I actually think it's something else. 546 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,642 Back in the day, this was all we had. 547 00:19:28,676 --> 00:19:30,978 We'd go into a town, we'd fix problems. 548 00:19:31,012 --> 00:19:33,680 We'd go back to some rundown motel. 549 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:34,815 Yeah, you'd exercise. 550 00:19:34,849 --> 00:19:36,266 I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, 551 00:19:36,317 --> 00:19:37,884 then hit the Twin Peaks message boards 552 00:19:37,902 --> 00:19:39,937 and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer 553 00:19:39,988 --> 00:19:41,721 to find Easter Eggs I'd missed. 554 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:44,057 But now, Ann and Leslie are our real partners. 555 00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:46,193 Yeah. It's a good thing. 556 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:49,896 But you were a fine surrogate before we found them. 557 00:19:49,914 --> 00:19:53,733 Just so you know, we're thinking of moving. 558 00:19:53,752 --> 00:19:55,068 Don't know where yet. 559 00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:57,070 Maybe Michigan, to be with Ann's family. 560 00:19:57,088 --> 00:20:00,591 Wow. That makes me kind of sad. 561 00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:05,579 But also incredibly happy for you and Ann. 562 00:20:05,597 --> 00:20:08,599 We have come a long way. 563 00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:10,134 Something healthy! 564 00:20:10,185 --> 00:20:11,585 A cherry tomato. 565 00:20:11,603 --> 00:20:13,187 Nope. 566 00:20:13,221 --> 00:20:14,772 A gumball. 567 00:20:14,806 --> 00:20:16,490 Ooh! 568 00:20:16,524 --> 00:20:20,144 What I really want to say is, I'm sorry. 569 00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:21,862 You're my best friend. 570 00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:24,431 This whole thing is just scary and confusing. 571 00:20:24,449 --> 00:20:25,699 I love you. 572 00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:26,934 I want to talk about this, 573 00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:30,571 all of this, whatever it means. 574 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:31,939 Was that okay? 575 00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:33,457 I guess it's good. 576 00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:35,959 Again, I barely know you or Ann, 577 00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,961 so I don't have much to go off of. 578 00:20:38,012 --> 00:20:40,264 - Well... - Hey, Leslie. 579 00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,966 Hey. Uh, you are excused, Fake Ann. 580 00:20:43,017 --> 00:20:44,251 That was six hours well spent. 581 00:20:44,269 --> 00:20:45,769 I thank you. 582 00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:47,271 Looks like you've made all your decisions. 583 00:20:47,305 --> 00:20:49,189 Well, almost. 584 00:20:49,224 --> 00:20:50,691 What were you talking to Evelyn about? 585 00:20:50,725 --> 00:20:53,093 Nothing. It's not important. 586 00:20:53,111 --> 00:20:55,028 The only thing that's important is you. 587 00:20:55,063 --> 00:20:56,530 I'm ready to talk about this. 588 00:20:56,564 --> 00:20:58,782 I want to talk about this. 589 00:20:58,817 --> 00:21:01,201 Is now a good time? 590 00:21:02,537 --> 00:21:05,605 Yes. Now is a great time. 591 00:21:06,136 --> 00:21:12,939 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net