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This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,
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the city of Eagleton
ceased to exist
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and was re-absorbed
back into Pawnee.
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Things are exactly
the way they were
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back in 1817, except, you know,
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women and minorities can vote,
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we have indoor toilets,
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and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.
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Councilwoman Knope
is your merger czar,
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and in the binders
that she's provided,
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you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee
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that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.
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There are two
Eagleton departments
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Pawnee does not have:
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the Department
of Infinity Pool Design
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and the Department of Dressage,
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which I am told is
a fancy horse-riding thing.
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It is horse-dancing, madam.
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Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
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All you horse dancing people,
sit in your saddles if you will.
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The rest of you,
welcome to your new departments.
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Attention: Eagleton is
now under martial law.
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No.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Okay, Pawnee Parks Department.
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Soon, you will be paired up
with a person
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who was roughly
your equivalent in Eagleton.
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Donna, you'll be with Craig.
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April, you'll be with someone
named Tynnyfer.
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And Ron, your guy is
also named Ron.
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Guess there's
no Tom Haverford equivalent.
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Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,
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just like the custom Nikes
I designed
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that say "Tommy's Tootsies"
across the toes.
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You do have
a counterpart, actually.
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His name is Eric,
and I've heard he's amazing.
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Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.
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I would like to introduce
our new filing temp.
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- Hey, everybody.
- No!
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No, why?
This can't be happening.
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Why, Leslie?
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We brought Jerry
out of retirement
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because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.
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- Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
- Thank you, Leslie.
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And as long
as we're starting out fresh,
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Leslie, I was wondering
if people
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would call me by my real name.
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- Larry?
- No, it's not Larry.
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It's Jerry.
No, it's Gary.
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Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.
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His name is Larry Gengurch.
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Come on, April,
it's already hard enough
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for my family
when you call me "Gary."
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- Jerry.
- Ha, ha, classic Larry.
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Larry.
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- Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Aw, jeez.
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Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,
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but we're gonna have to
lose some people.
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I'm not sure
who we should keep.
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April, Tom and Donna are three
of the best human beings
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that have ever lived.
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Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.
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But...the Eagletonians
are probably good too.
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Today, we are not just
merging two towns.
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We're throwing
a birthday party for a new city.
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Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
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Party's over.
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You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,
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and we have to clean up
the obscene mess you've made.
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You're not as nice
as the other guy.
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I don't care.
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When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.
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Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up
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and made them feel positive
and happy.
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And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.
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Like a majestic alley-oop.
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You're all amazing!
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You're all fired.
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Teamwork.
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Hi, you've reached
the voicemail
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of Larry Gengurch.
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Please leave your message
after the tone.
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Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,
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Gayle and I were just getting
on a cruise ship
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to the Bahamas.
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I said, "Gayle, put that
bikini away,
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because Pawnee needs me."
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Oh ho! Somebody forgot
a banana in here--ooh!
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Hi, I'm Donna.
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Oh, that is the perfect
name for you.
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I love it.
Never change it!
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Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right?
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Ugh, yes, but I hate that name.
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It's so boring.
Sounds like someone's cousin.
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Craig! Craig!
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I want to be a Spanish man
named Terrence,
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but that didn't happen.
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Okay. So here's
my list of duties.
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I'm basically
the office manager.
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- How about you?
- Oh, I did everything.
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Everything!
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I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders
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for years, and I loved
every second of it.
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You don't even know!
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I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?
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00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:10,444
No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's.
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I used to be Jennifer,
but then I decided
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to rebrand myself.
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Oh, wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
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Um, well, nice to meet you.
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My name's April,
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and I just wanted to say
that your dress is so cute
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it's bonks.
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I saw my spinning
instructor wearing it,
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and I was like, "Shut up.
Where do I get that?"
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Oh, my God.
Who's your spinning instructor?
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Gregory or Wynona?
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I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona?
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I've never
heard of them before.
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- Are they better?
- Wynona rocks my world.
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Seriously, you need
to get me in there.
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Like, that's a must,
must, must.
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She's the worst person
I've ever met.
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I want to travel
the world with her.
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Ron.
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Ron.
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Last name?
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Dunne.
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Is that your name,
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or are you telling me
you're finished talking?
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Both.
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Dunne and done.
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I like Ron.
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- Hi.
- Well, well, well.
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You must be Eric.
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I'm Ragiv from I.T.
This is E.R.I.C.
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E.R.I.C. is
a computer program?
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Stands for Eagleton
Reservation Information Center.
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It does all the scheduling
in Eagleton.
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I'm here to install it.
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But scheduling's
the main part of my job.
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You still have a human being
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in charge of booking
tennis courts?
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What is this, 1990?
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I guess that explains
the shoulder pads.
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How did he notice these?
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Hey, this is a surprise.
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Yeah, I just wanted to
chat for a sec.
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You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.
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Verbal things from my mouth.
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Did that sound weird?
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- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
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First of all, this is Evelyn.
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Oh, hello.
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She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.
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There really wasn't a ton
of work for me there.
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Eagletonians are very healthy.
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Oh, well, this might be
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a very interesting challenge
for you,
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because Pawnee has the very
first documented case
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of mega-diabetes.
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And the only know occurrence
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of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
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We've been written about
in textbooks.
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Thanks, Evelyn, I'll
see you back in my office.
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I just need to talk some more
words into Leslie's face.
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Nice to meet you.
Ahem.
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Wow. I feel sorry for her.
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I mean, nobody can fill
your shoes, Ann.
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With your tiny
little doll feet.
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Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
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I, uh, I'm gonna step down,
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and I'm gonna turn my job
over to Evelyn.
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What? No.
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Did somebody
put you up to this?
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Was it Evelyn?
I knew she was a monster.
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No.
No, no, no.
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Chris and I have been talking,
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and we are thinking
very seriously
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about leaving Pawnee
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and moving somewhere else
to start our family--
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Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!
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- Delicious waffles.
- Wait.
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Should we try?
Yeah, let's try.
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- Huh?
- Mmm.
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- Wait, what were you saying?
- Try.
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Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.
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So, if I'm hearing you correctly,
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you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.
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I am thinking about leaving.
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Is this one of those classic
Ann "not" jokes?
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Like, "I'm leaving
Pawnee...not!"
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I don't do that.
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I was hoping
that you had started.
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It's not definite.
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It's just neither of us
are from Pawnee.
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And I have a whole family
in Michigan.
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And Chris is missing life
in a bigger city.
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And I just wanted...
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to talk to you about it
so you could hear it from me.
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- Do you hear that galloping?
- Hmm?
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Wha--oh, my--
look at that!
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00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:46,078
Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
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That's amazing!
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Uh, I've got
a ton of work to do.
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I'm super busy, so you...
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can let yourself...
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Look, if Ann wants to leave
Pawnee, I get it.
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I mean, who wants to stay
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in the greatest town
in the world
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00:08:01,494 --> 00:08:03,178
with her best friend
and be happy forever
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00:08:03,212 --> 00:08:06,164
when she can abandon
her soul sister like an old shoe
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00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,583
and move to a garbage city
full of jerks.
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I get it.
No hard feelings.
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00:08:11,888 --> 00:08:14,039
- You have to text me.
- I will.
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Sorry for the delay, ladies,
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I was busy being
ambushed by treachery.
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So did you have a chance
to compare notes
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on your respective duties?
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Totally.
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00:08:21,748 --> 00:08:23,565
Tynny and I have been, like,
totally bonding.
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We've just been like blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah!
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Like, talking, like,
so much forever.
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- It was all so delicious.
- I know, right?
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This is, like,
the best day ever.
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00:08:30,823 --> 00:08:32,641
I know, I'm eating it all up.
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Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming
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instead of wiling away
like a dying turd flower.
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Totes.
Um, we also came up
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00:08:40,316 --> 00:08:41,983
with these nicknames
for each other.
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Slut and Skank.
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How craze-mazing
is that, Lez?
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Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.
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I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.
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We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,
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and if Pawnee is gonna commit
to one of you,
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you need to commit to Pawnee.
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Tynnyfer, do you have kids?
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Ew, no.
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00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:01,486
I've had so much rejuvenation
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00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:02,988
that I don't think a baby
could get out of there
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if it tried.
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00:09:04,323 --> 00:09:05,924
You know it.
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00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,260
I guess we can make
a switch to Bermuda grass.
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00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:10,195
It's only 80 cents more
per square foot?
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00:09:10,229 --> 00:09:12,664
What? Gimme gimme gimme.
247
00:09:12,698 --> 00:09:15,567
You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate
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00:09:15,601 --> 00:09:17,402
that's a six on Beaufort scale?
249
00:09:17,437 --> 00:09:19,004
In a park with zero drainage?
250
00:09:19,038 --> 00:09:21,473
I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10 percent discount,
251
00:09:21,507 --> 00:09:23,759
and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!
252
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,146
Yeah, hi.
253
00:09:28,164 --> 00:09:29,914
Is there--
and I'm just guessing here--
254
00:09:29,932 --> 00:09:32,250
some kind of medication
that you maybe
255
00:09:32,268 --> 00:09:34,152
need a lot of
and have taken none of
256
00:09:34,186 --> 00:09:35,403
or maybe too much of today?
257
00:09:35,455 --> 00:09:37,422
Oh, I have a medical
condition all right.
258
00:09:37,457 --> 00:09:39,357
It's called caring too much!
259
00:09:39,392 --> 00:09:41,726
And it's incurable!
260
00:09:41,744 --> 00:09:45,413
Also I have eczema.
261
00:09:45,465 --> 00:09:49,317
Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.
262
00:09:49,352 --> 00:09:51,920
Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.
263
00:09:51,954 --> 00:09:53,455
Amen.
264
00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:55,423
I'm a big believer
in environmental conservation.
265
00:09:55,475 --> 00:09:57,926
Recycling and composting
and the like.
266
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,480
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
267
00:10:02,765 --> 00:10:04,232
They make delicious milks, man.
268
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:05,901
And I'm a vegan, of course.
269
00:10:05,935 --> 00:10:08,336
Slowly working toward
full freegan-vegan.
270
00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:10,772
What in God's name is
freegan-vegan?
271
00:10:10,807 --> 00:10:12,274
You only eat vegetables
272
00:10:12,325 --> 00:10:13,775
that have been thrown out
in people's dumpsters.
273
00:10:13,826 --> 00:10:16,528
What is on your foot, sir?
274
00:10:16,562 --> 00:10:18,430
My trusty sandals.
275
00:10:18,464 --> 00:10:21,399
I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.
276
00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:23,335
Same goes for all chickens.
277
00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:25,303
Well, Eagleton Ron,
278
00:10:25,338 --> 00:10:29,090
we here in Pawnee value
loyalty above all else.
279
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,293
So would you be opposed
to signing
280
00:10:31,327 --> 00:10:33,895
an official loyalty pledge
to our new town?
281
00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:36,681
As long as that new town
were open to the ideals
282
00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:39,284
of communal living,
everyone pitches in
283
00:10:39,318 --> 00:10:40,919
towards a common good.
284
00:10:40,953 --> 00:10:42,771
In the immortal words
of Cat Stevens,
285
00:10:42,805 --> 00:10:46,291
"If you want to be free,
be free."
286
00:10:46,325 --> 00:10:49,261
I no longer like Ron.
287
00:10:49,295 --> 00:10:50,812
E.R.I.C. is
an amazing program.
288
00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:52,998
Fast, fun and easy to use.
289
00:10:53,032 --> 00:10:55,634
But there's one thing
no man or machine
290
00:10:55,668 --> 00:10:57,502
can beat Tom Haverford at--
291
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,188
talking mad trash
till I get what I want.
292
00:11:00,239 --> 00:11:02,624
This guy Eric is a disaster.
293
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,626
- What do you mean?
- Just a bad attitude.
294
00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:06,177
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me out here."
295
00:11:06,211 --> 00:11:08,647
That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
296
00:11:08,681 --> 00:11:10,332
And racist.
297
00:11:10,366 --> 00:11:11,583
I think he may have even
been to jail.
298
00:11:11,617 --> 00:11:13,051
Although, you know,
299
00:11:13,085 --> 00:11:14,636
maybe those are just
regular face tattoos.
300
00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:17,239
Wow. That's not good.
301
00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:18,340
I should probably talk to him.
302
00:11:18,374 --> 00:11:20,091
Well, let me see if can
turn him around.
303
00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:21,259
I don't want to put this
on your plate.
304
00:11:21,293 --> 00:11:22,460
You have a lot to deal with.
305
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:25,196
Thanks, Tom.
You're the best.
306
00:11:26,949 --> 00:11:28,783
Okay, let's take a look
at this list of assets
307
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,352
owned by
the Eagleton government.
308
00:11:30,386 --> 00:11:32,954
400 Segway scooters.
309
00:11:32,989 --> 00:11:34,238
Sell 'em.
They're gone.
310
00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:36,458
You had six full-time baristas
on the payroll.
311
00:11:36,492 --> 00:11:38,143
The baristas are gone.
312
00:11:38,177 --> 00:11:40,445
As are the masseurs.
313
00:11:40,479 --> 00:11:42,297
And the full-time barista
314
00:11:42,331 --> 00:11:44,666
who provided coffee
for the masseurs.
315
00:11:44,717 --> 00:11:45,984
It is excellent
316
00:11:46,018 --> 00:11:47,652
having the old band
back together again.
317
00:11:47,687 --> 00:11:49,120
You know what?
318
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:52,257
This calls for some
celebratory lunges.
319
00:11:52,291 --> 00:11:54,009
One...
320
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,293
two...
321
00:11:55,311 --> 00:11:56,528
All right, Donna.
322
00:11:56,562 --> 00:11:57,913
There's gonna have to be
some cutbacks.
323
00:11:57,947 --> 00:11:59,364
I mean, your job
is secure, of course.
324
00:11:59,382 --> 00:12:01,199
You're basically the glue
of this department.
325
00:12:01,217 --> 00:12:03,518
But I think Craig's
gonna have to go.
326
00:12:03,552 --> 00:12:05,236
No, you should keep him.
327
00:12:05,271 --> 00:12:07,455
He's crazy intense,
but I've never met anyone
328
00:12:07,490 --> 00:12:09,107
who cares more about this job.
329
00:12:09,125 --> 00:12:11,209
Uh, Donna, I'm right here.
330
00:12:11,243 --> 00:12:13,128
No joke.
He might care more than you.
331
00:12:13,162 --> 00:12:14,746
Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,
332
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:16,715
- I'd choose him.
- Wait, what are you saying?
333
00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:17,949
Are you thinking about leaving?
334
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,283
I wasn't planning on it,
but I could.
335
00:12:19,302 --> 00:12:20,852
You know, I got the condo
in Seattle,
336
00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,153
the fiance in Denver.
337
00:12:22,188 --> 00:12:24,406
- Huh?
- It won't last.
338
00:12:24,457 --> 00:12:26,257
Leslie, I would be happy
to go back into retirement
339
00:12:26,292 --> 00:12:27,509
if you have to cut the staff.
340
00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:29,511
What?
Even Larry wants out?
341
00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:30,802
What the hell
is happening here?
342
00:12:30,813 --> 00:12:32,130
Does everybody think
that running a town
343
00:12:32,164 --> 00:12:33,431
is just some game
344
00:12:33,449 --> 00:12:35,734
where people can come
and go as they please?
345
00:12:35,768 --> 00:12:37,919
Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
346
00:12:37,954 --> 00:12:39,370
Don't take it out
on everybody else.
347
00:12:39,388 --> 00:12:41,222
- It's not fair.
- I'll tell you what's not fair.
348
00:12:41,257 --> 00:12:43,174
I'm gonna have to watch
the Oscars with Ben
349
00:12:43,208 --> 00:12:44,476
alone this year.
350
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,361
Last year, don't you remember
351
00:12:46,395 --> 00:12:48,363
Angelina Jolie
and the leg dress moment?
352
00:12:48,414 --> 00:12:51,967
He had, and I quote,
"no comment."
353
00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:53,018
How can you not have
an extreme reaction
354
00:12:53,052 --> 00:12:54,185
about a dress like that?
355
00:12:54,219 --> 00:12:55,353
It just doesn't make any sense!
356
00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:57,322
- Okay, we need to talk.
- I'm sorry, Ann.
357
00:12:57,356 --> 00:12:58,406
I can't understand you.
358
00:12:58,457 --> 00:12:59,538
You've developed some accent
359
00:12:59,542 --> 00:13:01,543
from that new town
you might move to!
360
00:13:01,577 --> 00:13:03,762
It seems like
no one around here
361
00:13:03,796 --> 00:13:05,597
understands the meaning
of loyalty.
362
00:13:05,631 --> 00:13:07,799
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
363
00:13:07,817 --> 00:13:09,317
And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty
364
00:13:09,368 --> 00:13:10,819
in a language
they will understand--
365
00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:13,121
complicated legalese.
366
00:13:13,155 --> 00:13:15,373
Knope,
what are these contracts?
367
00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:17,375
It's just a little something
that I drew up
368
00:13:17,409 --> 00:13:18,927
for all the employees
of the new town.
369
00:13:18,961 --> 00:13:20,628
Basic boilerplate language,
370
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,120
50-year commitment,
blah, blah, blah.
371
00:13:22,131 --> 00:13:24,082
I'm so sorry, honey,
but Tynny and I
372
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,801
won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.
373
00:13:26,852 --> 00:13:27,886
When Eric saw this,
374
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,688
he smashed a bunch
of computers.
375
00:13:29,722 --> 00:13:32,057
- Why are you doing this?
- What's the big deal?
376
00:13:32,091 --> 00:13:33,608
I'm just trying to stop time
377
00:13:33,642 --> 00:13:35,527
with legally-binding
friendship contracts.
378
00:13:35,561 --> 00:13:37,228
What part of that
do you not understand?
379
00:13:37,262 --> 00:13:40,031
You have lost your mind.
380
00:13:40,066 --> 00:13:42,143
I think you need
a spa day, Les.
381
00:13:42,263 --> 00:13:44,069
Fine! You only have to work
here until I'm dead!
382
00:13:44,103 --> 00:13:45,476
Is that better?
383
00:13:48,635 --> 00:13:51,939
What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?
384
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,329
Yerba matte tea.
385
00:13:54,449 --> 00:13:56,116
Sweetened with stevia.
386
00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:58,318
It's an all-natural
plant extract.
387
00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,237
Shut your damn mouth.
388
00:14:00,288 --> 00:14:01,208
No need to curse.
389
00:14:01,336 --> 00:14:02,670
There most certainly is.
390
00:14:02,688 --> 00:14:05,824
Okay, all Eagleton people
meet me in the conference room.
391
00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:08,960
All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.
392
00:14:08,994 --> 00:14:10,311
And take it personally.
393
00:14:10,346 --> 00:14:13,531
I kind of feel like we
got off on the wrong foot,
394
00:14:13,566 --> 00:14:16,417
so I made unity cookies
395
00:14:16,435 --> 00:14:17,852
with the Pawnee town's
original colors
396
00:14:17,886 --> 00:14:19,070
of blue and yellow.
397
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:20,605
However, I did not have
yellow frosting,
398
00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:22,006
so I had to use mustard.
399
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:22,974
But do not worry.
400
00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:24,275
I put tons of sugar on them,
401
00:14:24,326 --> 00:14:25,360
so it will even it out.
402
00:14:26,395 --> 00:14:29,180
Mmm!
Sugar mustard.
403
00:14:29,215 --> 00:14:31,432
That's awful kind
of you, Leslie,
404
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:33,117
but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.
405
00:14:33,152 --> 00:14:35,086
I unhooked from
that big sugar train
406
00:14:35,137 --> 00:14:36,888
over 30 years ago.
407
00:14:36,939 --> 00:14:39,624
You are a man of principle
and I respect that, cool Ron.
408
00:14:39,658 --> 00:14:41,576
So, what's your story, new Ann?
409
00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:42,644
You're kind of pretty.
410
00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:43,595
I mean, you're not
"Ann" pretty,
411
00:14:43,646 --> 00:14:44,596
but you have potential.
412
00:14:44,647 --> 00:14:45,730
Thank you,
413
00:14:45,781 --> 00:14:46,965
but I-I don't work
in this department.
414
00:14:46,999 --> 00:14:48,115
Shut your kind of pretty mouth
415
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,584
and, uh, eat a mustard cookie.
416
00:14:49,602 --> 00:14:52,120
Okay, so let's
chit-chat, huh?
417
00:14:52,154 --> 00:14:53,654
Let's get to know each other
418
00:14:53,672 --> 00:14:54,806
and then become
familiar best friends.
419
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,090
I don't have time for this.
420
00:14:56,124 --> 00:14:57,659
I'm halfway through
designing a bamboo gazebo
421
00:14:57,693 --> 00:14:59,611
as a tribute to
the founders of Motown.
422
00:14:59,662 --> 00:15:00,995
That's so Craig.
423
00:15:01,029 --> 00:15:03,181
Oh, Craig!
We have fun, don't we?
424
00:15:03,232 --> 00:15:05,016
Do you guys remember
when this all started
425
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:06,317
and I came in here
with the cookies,
426
00:15:06,368 --> 00:15:08,102
and then Craig said
something so Craig
427
00:15:08,137 --> 00:15:10,588
and we all laughed,
and we were like, "Craig!"
428
00:15:10,639 --> 00:15:13,691
Do you think it would
be weird if we held hands?
429
00:15:13,742 --> 00:15:14,959
- Probably.
- This way, please.
430
00:15:14,994 --> 00:15:17,428
Excuse me, Ron, I am
talking to my best friends.
431
00:15:17,463 --> 00:15:20,949
Let me go!
Best friends, attack Ron!
432
00:15:20,983 --> 00:15:23,284
Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.
433
00:15:23,302 --> 00:15:25,603
It's been like watching
Leonardo work.
434
00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:27,972
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
435
00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:31,692
Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.
436
00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,628
This really has been
a lot of fun.
437
00:15:33,662 --> 00:15:35,363
The old juice is back!
438
00:15:35,397 --> 00:15:36,864
Hey, should we keep this going?
439
00:15:36,899 --> 00:15:38,899
Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?
440
00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:41,002
Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?
441
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:43,804
I know who I'm gonna use to
calculate tax and tip.
442
00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,424
Me?
443
00:15:46,458 --> 00:15:47,792
Can I just say something?
444
00:15:47,843 --> 00:15:49,944
I'm having
so much fun right now.
445
00:15:49,979 --> 00:15:52,697
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
446
00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:53,814
Can I just say
something, though?
447
00:15:53,832 --> 00:15:54,815
- Yeah.
- Okay.
448
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,517
You don't want this job.
449
00:15:56,552 --> 00:15:59,103
Seriously, this place
is the pits.
450
00:15:59,138 --> 00:16:00,071
It's like, if you worked here,
451
00:16:00,105 --> 00:16:01,322
you'd be like, "Ugh!"
452
00:16:01,357 --> 00:16:03,074
And Leslie would be like,
"Blah, blah, blah."
453
00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:04,842
And you'd be like,
"Uh..."
454
00:16:04,877 --> 00:16:06,094
Okay, can I say something?
455
00:16:06,128 --> 00:16:08,129
Right now, I totally
think that you're right,
456
00:16:08,147 --> 00:16:10,448
and I had been thinking about
going someplace warm
457
00:16:10,482 --> 00:16:12,500
while my husband is in jail.
458
00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:14,085
Oh, my God!
Can I just say something?
459
00:16:14,136 --> 00:16:15,219
- Yes!
- Okay.
460
00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:17,572
You should totally stay
at my house in Miami.
461
00:16:17,606 --> 00:16:19,123
- What?
- I'm serious.
462
00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:22,209
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
463
00:16:22,227 --> 00:16:24,062
The gate kind of jams
sometimes,
464
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,396
but you can just jump it.
465
00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:27,365
You are so amazing right now.
466
00:16:27,416 --> 00:16:31,135
You're like skinny
Mother Theresa.
467
00:16:31,186 --> 00:16:32,320
It's Dwayne Wade's house.
468
00:16:32,354 --> 00:16:34,889
I got his address
off the Internet.
469
00:16:34,923 --> 00:16:36,658
I really hope he's there
when she walks in
470
00:16:36,692 --> 00:16:39,510
and he throws a basketball
at her head.
471
00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:41,312
Okay, enough is enough.
472
00:16:41,363 --> 00:16:42,523
What is wrong with you, woman?
473
00:16:42,531 --> 00:16:43,881
I don't need to explain
myself to you!
474
00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:46,250
I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
475
00:16:46,285 --> 00:16:50,355
Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!
476
00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:54,459
Ann is thinking about
leaving Pawnee.
477
00:16:54,493 --> 00:16:56,761
Moving, with Chris.
478
00:16:56,812 --> 00:16:58,329
Well, that's nice.
479
00:16:58,364 --> 00:17:00,281
Nice, Ron? Edible
arrangements are nice.
480
00:17:00,315 --> 00:17:02,800
This is
volcanically hot betrayal!
481
00:17:02,851 --> 00:17:04,018
She is my best friend!
482
00:17:04,053 --> 00:17:05,813
She's thinking about leaving,
just like that!
483
00:17:05,821 --> 00:17:07,622
And she wants to
"talk to me" about it?
484
00:17:07,656 --> 00:17:09,707
It's like, I don't even
know what to say.
485
00:17:09,742 --> 00:17:12,877
That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,
486
00:17:12,928 --> 00:17:15,446
and geography will never
change your feelings.
487
00:17:15,481 --> 00:17:16,748
Whatever.
I don't even need her.
488
00:17:16,782 --> 00:17:18,566
I've got Tynnyfer now,
and Craig,
489
00:17:18,584 --> 00:17:21,269
and Eric, the racist drug dealer
who I've yet to meet.
490
00:17:21,303 --> 00:17:22,720
Those are my real friends.
491
00:17:22,771 --> 00:17:24,856
You can't force friendship,
Leslie.
492
00:17:24,907 --> 00:17:26,457
It takes time.
493
00:17:26,492 --> 00:17:28,926
I once thought I had a friend.
494
00:17:28,961 --> 00:17:31,212
Then it turned out he was
the single worst person
495
00:17:31,230 --> 00:17:32,713
I have ever met.
496
00:17:32,731 --> 00:17:35,867
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
497
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:38,169
It's like Moz once said.
498
00:17:38,203 --> 00:17:41,522
"Hold on to your friends."
499
00:17:41,557 --> 00:17:44,158
Morrissey.
The Smiths.
500
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,610
You don't know Meat Is Murder?
501
00:17:45,661 --> 00:17:46,794
It's one of the best songs
ever written
502
00:17:46,829 --> 00:17:49,029
about industrialized
beef consumption.
503
00:17:49,048 --> 00:17:50,765
Okay, Eagleton Ron.
504
00:17:50,799 --> 00:17:52,233
I think it might be time
for you to go.
505
00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:55,103
This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,
506
00:17:55,137 --> 00:17:58,156
and, uh, I don't think
we have any room for you
507
00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,157
in our department.
508
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,324
Fair enough.
509
00:18:00,376 --> 00:18:02,410
I should have seen it.
510
00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:06,748
Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?
511
00:18:06,782 --> 00:18:08,466
Just remember, Ron.
512
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,503
Giving in to hate is like
drinking saltwater.
513
00:18:12,554 --> 00:18:15,640
The thirst only grows worse.
514
00:18:15,674 --> 00:18:17,175
Leslie, remove this man
515
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,761
before I commit an act of
violence against him.
516
00:18:19,795 --> 00:18:23,564
Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.
517
00:18:26,794 --> 00:18:28,793
After I defeated him
in an epic struggle,
518
00:18:28,913 --> 00:18:29,896
E.R.I.C. is gone.
519
00:18:30,182 --> 00:18:32,744
He's been replaced
by T.O.M.--
520
00:18:32,864 --> 00:18:34,886
Town-wide
Organizational Matrix.
521
00:18:36,021 --> 00:18:38,106
Big plans tonight, Craig?
522
00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:39,707
No, I have a ton of work to do.
523
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,995
Plus, my DVR
is 13 months pregnant
524
00:18:42,013 --> 00:18:43,382
with episodes of Scandal.
525
00:18:43,502 --> 00:18:45,015
Scandal's my favorite show.
526
00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:47,685
I love every character,
except for...
527
00:18:47,719 --> 00:18:49,002
Mellie.
528
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,888
Oh!
Of course you like Scandal!
529
00:18:50,939 --> 00:18:53,594
Because you're amazing!
I love you.
530
00:18:53,714 --> 00:18:55,609
And no matter what happens
with this job,
531
00:18:55,643 --> 00:18:57,861
I will always love you.
532
00:18:57,896 --> 00:18:58,862
Excuse me!
533
00:18:58,897 --> 00:19:01,582
Who even are you?
534
00:19:01,616 --> 00:19:03,183
How's your salad?
535
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:04,535
Well, it's called
the "Good Earth Salad,"
536
00:19:04,569 --> 00:19:06,686
but really, it's just cheese,
537
00:19:06,705 --> 00:19:10,157
toffee, and gummy bear worms.
538
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,742
This town is really unhealthy.
539
00:19:11,793 --> 00:19:13,961
You know, I forgot
that this part
540
00:19:13,995 --> 00:19:15,412
of being accounting bros
541
00:19:15,463 --> 00:19:16,830
was actually pretty depressing.
542
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,117
I mean, after the intense,
almost meth-like high
543
00:19:20,151 --> 00:19:21,585
of solving accounting puzzles,
544
00:19:21,636 --> 00:19:24,922
we were always just beat
at the end of the day.
545
00:19:24,973 --> 00:19:26,173
I actually think
it's something else.
546
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,642
Back in the day,
this was all we had.
547
00:19:28,676 --> 00:19:30,978
We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.
548
00:19:31,012 --> 00:19:33,680
We'd go back
to some rundown motel.
549
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:34,815
Yeah, you'd exercise.
550
00:19:34,849 --> 00:19:36,266
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks,
551
00:19:36,317 --> 00:19:37,884
then hit the Twin Peaks
message boards
552
00:19:37,902 --> 00:19:39,937
and read The Secret Diary
of Laura Palmer
553
00:19:39,988 --> 00:19:41,721
to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.
554
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:44,057
But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.
555
00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:46,193
Yeah.
It's a good thing.
556
00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:49,896
But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.
557
00:19:49,914 --> 00:19:53,733
Just so you know,
we're thinking of moving.
558
00:19:53,752 --> 00:19:55,068
Don't know where yet.
559
00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:57,070
Maybe Michigan,
to be with Ann's family.
560
00:19:57,088 --> 00:20:00,591
Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.
561
00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:05,579
But also incredibly happy
for you and Ann.
562
00:20:05,597 --> 00:20:08,599
We have come a long way.
563
00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:10,134
Something healthy!
564
00:20:10,185 --> 00:20:11,585
A cherry tomato.
565
00:20:11,603 --> 00:20:13,187
Nope.
566
00:20:13,221 --> 00:20:14,772
A gumball.
567
00:20:14,806 --> 00:20:16,490
Ooh!
568
00:20:16,524 --> 00:20:20,144
What I really want to
say is, I'm sorry.
569
00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:21,862
You're my best friend.
570
00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:24,431
This whole thing is just
scary and confusing.
571
00:20:24,449 --> 00:20:25,699
I love you.
572
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:26,934
I want to talk about this,
573
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:30,571
all of this, whatever it means.
574
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:31,939
Was that okay?
575
00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:33,457
I guess it's good.
576
00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:35,959
Again, I barely know
you or Ann,
577
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,961
so I don't have much
to go off of.
578
00:20:38,012 --> 00:20:40,264
- Well...
- Hey, Leslie.
579
00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,966
Hey.
Uh, you are excused, Fake Ann.
580
00:20:43,017 --> 00:20:44,251
That was six hours well spent.
581
00:20:44,269 --> 00:20:45,769
I thank you.
582
00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:47,271
Looks like you've made
all your decisions.
583
00:20:47,305 --> 00:20:49,189
Well, almost.
584
00:20:49,224 --> 00:20:50,691
What were you talking
to Evelyn about?
585
00:20:50,725 --> 00:20:53,093
Nothing.
It's not important.
586
00:20:53,111 --> 00:20:55,028
The only thing
that's important is you.
587
00:20:55,063 --> 00:20:56,530
I'm ready to talk about this.
588
00:20:56,564 --> 00:20:58,782
I want to talk about this.
589
00:20:58,817 --> 00:21:01,201
Is now a good time?
590
00:21:02,537 --> 00:21:05,605
Yes.
Now is a great time.
591
00:21:06,136 --> 00:21:12,939
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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