1 00:00:00,050 --> 00:00:02,450 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:21,740 There she is, hovering ominously - Dobby's yellow head. 3 00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:23,940 I'm not about to masturbate looking at the head. 4 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,460 That's what they want me to do. 5 00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:29,260 Hm, same noodle bar she went to yesterday, and Tuesday. 6 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,100 What's going on at the noodle bar? 7 00:00:31,140 --> 00:00:34,700 Three-star reviews. It's possible she just likes the food. 8 00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:36,180 But hard to completely believe. 9 00:00:36,220 --> 00:00:38,140 Mark, can I put the heating on? I'm freezing. 10 00:00:38,180 --> 00:00:40,020 No. Wear a jumper, walk about. 11 00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:41,860 You want me to stride about the flat 12 00:00:41,900 --> 00:00:43,900 covered in wool simply to stay alive? 13 00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:45,620 New York? Uh-huh. 14 00:00:45,660 --> 00:00:48,300 Seems Dobby never deleted me off her Find My Friends app. 15 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,980 This is your perfect way of going out with someone, isn't it? 16 00:00:51,020 --> 00:00:53,020 Safe in your sexual GCHQ. 17 00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:55,260 I'm trying to build up a picture of her mental state. 18 00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:58,260 For example, there's this organic bakery she's been to this afternoon 19 00:00:58,300 --> 00:00:59,780 and twice more this week. 20 00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:02,660 I checked their Twitter and their carrot cake just ran out. 21 00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:05,740 The other day, she was in and the same thing happened. 22 00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:06,980 It could be a coincidence. 23 00:01:07,020 --> 00:01:08,540 I'm not saying she's eating a whole 24 00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:10,340 carrot cake every time she goes in there, 25 00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,180 but you've got to admit, it's interesting. 26 00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,780 Fascinating Here's a radical idea. 27 00:01:14,820 --> 00:01:17,260 Why don't you stop being a psycho and give her a ring? 28 00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,660 She stopped answering my calls 29 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,420 after I went a bit overboard that time. 30 00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:21,620 The million-text month? 31 00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,060 Mm. So unfair. 32 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,100 The 327-text month. 33 00:01:25,140 --> 00:01:26,660 Put it back, Jeremy. 34 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,500 That thing eats electricity. 35 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:31,780 It's only seven hours till the central heating comes back on. 36 00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:34,100 'It's going in the vault. The new regime. 37 00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:37,100 'Heater in the cupboard, tracker tag on the nice towel, 38 00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:39,820 'mousetrap in the Frosties.' 39 00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:41,580 It's great you do home visits. 40 00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:44,580 I find it makes for a more conducive life-coaching environment 41 00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:46,180 than you at my place, my socks 42 00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:48,500 on the radiator and me sitting on a bongo. 43 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:51,180 I've done some more art boxes. 'Megan's so lovely. 44 00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:53,380 'I'm definitely falling in love with her. 45 00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:55,100 'But what the hell's she talking about? 46 00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,780 'Focus. I need to give her 47 00:01:56,820 --> 00:01:59,940 'a really useful, usable bit of actual handcrafted wisdom that... 48 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,020 'Ooh, is that Watchmen? I never saw Watchmen.' 49 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,260 Sorry I'm back so early. I'll, um... I'll hide out in the bedroom. 50 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,580 No, it's OK. Jeremy, this is Joe, my boyfriend. 51 00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:09,860 Oh, hey, Joe. 52 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,180 'He's eyeing me. There's an atmosphere. 53 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:14,060 'Does he want to hit me?' 54 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,900 Jeremy was just saying I should quit my job 55 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:17,940 and concentrate, like, 100% on my boxes. 56 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:19,660 'Fuck, did I?' JOE: Really? 57 00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,220 Wow, that's a... That's a big one. 58 00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:24,180 Sure. Big call. Quite the wise old guru. 59 00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:26,380 Hey, less of the "old", young man. 60 00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:30,100 I'm still young enough to give you a...bloody good...duffing up. 61 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:32,100 'We're not going to fight, but I 62 00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,860 'reckon I could duff him up, if I needed to. 63 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:38,420 'Take him out, take him apart, sort him out big-time. 64 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:40,500 'I could...take him, definitely. 65 00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:43,300 'If I needed to.' 66 00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:46,340 Thanks for seeing me, Mark, mate. No problem. 67 00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:50,380 'Mate? He wants my liver for a transplant? Well, he can't have it. 68 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,860 'And I'm saving my kidneys for little Ian.' 69 00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:53,980 Look, um... 70 00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:57,260 I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge... 71 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:59,580 Huge amount of respect for you, yeah? 72 00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:02,060 When Ukip come to round us all up, you'll be there, 73 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,260 won't you, at the barricades, saying, "No"? 74 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,900 Oh, that's... That's very nice of you to say, Hans. 75 00:03:06,940 --> 00:03:09,020 Yeah. So, er... Well, it's like this. 76 00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:12,220 Er, I want you to be best man at my wedding. 77 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,820 Best man? 78 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,140 But what about Jez? 79 00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:17,460 Molly hates him. I need a...norm. 80 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,980 And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, 81 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:24,820 beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, 82 00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:28,300 Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man. 83 00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:29,940 Thank you? 84 00:03:29,980 --> 00:03:33,140 'There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge, 85 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:37,180 'flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons. 86 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:39,580 'Oh, hang on.' 87 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,740 Is...Dobby invited? 88 00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:43,140 Er, yeah. 89 00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:46,100 We've got a "no smackheads, no crackheads" rule, so, the, er... 90 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:47,700 The old long list is pretty short. 91 00:03:47,740 --> 00:03:49,580 I mean, I-I'd love to come. 92 00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,620 But maybe without being your best man. 93 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,980 Yeah, I bet you would, you cheeky fucker. 94 00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:57,660 No, you're going to have to earn your rack of lamb, buddy. 95 00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:00,820 'Oh, strap on the cummerbund.' 96 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:02,380 'Need to professionalise in here. 97 00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:05,380 'Lose the lions, put up my certificate, get a filing cabinet. 98 00:04:05,420 --> 00:04:07,420 'Except, have I got anything to f...? 99 00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:08,700 'What is that? 100 00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:11,060 'Wait, is that a fucking thermometer? 101 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:15,100 'He's finally bloody lost it.' 102 00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,020 Hello. Hello. 103 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,620 What are you doing? Just taking a temperature reading. 104 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,980 I thought perhaps you'd bought your own fan heater. 105 00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:23,380 Oh, for fuck's sake! 106 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:26,180 I need to get off for Fakenham, to be there the night before, 107 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:27,380 for everything. 108 00:04:27,420 --> 00:04:29,980 'He's in his jacket, going to everything.' While I'm gone, 109 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,140 no turning the central heating to constant. 110 00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:34,220 So, off you go, the best man. 111 00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:35,460 I'm sorry, Jez. 112 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,260 The single best man there is. 113 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,060 You know they haven't even invited 114 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,940 me to the ceremony, just the reception. 115 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,020 I only said yes because of Dobby. To win her back. 116 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:45,300 I need to get back to the good times. 117 00:04:45,340 --> 00:04:48,500 Hours on the sofa, DVDs and takeaway lamb pasanda. 118 00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:50,860 I'm going to be the Mark Dobby always wanted, 119 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:53,460 who goes to those spoken-word poetry events 120 00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,540 where most of the poems are by women 121 00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:57,980 about the awesome power of the 122 00:04:58,020 --> 00:04:59,900 You can't even say it. 123 00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,860 There's enough unpleasantness in the world. 124 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:04,700 See you tomorrow. 125 00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:08,740 'I have so many funny stories about Hans, where do I start? 126 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,500 'The time he tried to cut my legs off when he was tripping 127 00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:13,940 'because he thought I was a demon? Or the time 128 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,620 'he just went straight for me with 129 00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:17,780 'a chicken skewer for no apparent reason? 130 00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:19,700 'Shit, Dobby's off-grid. 131 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,780 'She could be anywhere. So selfish. 132 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:25,140 'Quick Neighbourhood Watch over my own personal neighbourhood, 133 00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:28,300 'then maybe a disappointing Skype chat with my son. 134 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:31,380 'There's nothing unethical about secretly filming my own flat. 135 00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:33,900 'If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to fear. 136 00:05:33,940 --> 00:05:36,260 'A vest? That heat-thieving bastard. 137 00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:39,380 'I should put a mousetrap in there. That'd be fun.' 138 00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:42,500 'It's time for the show trial. 139 00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:45,500 'I'm going to make him confess his thermostat crimes. 140 00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:48,300 'The heating Stasi are coming for you, Jeremy.' 141 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,580 Oh, hey, Mark. How's the advance party going? 142 00:05:50,620 --> 00:05:52,300 Oh, good, Jeremy. You? 143 00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:54,380 You're looking quite toasty over there. 144 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,860 Er, yeah, well, it was quite a warm day. 'Oh, really? 145 00:05:56,900 --> 00:05:58,860 Not according to the Met Office, it's not. 146 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,380 Microclimate. 147 00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:02,460 There is no microclimate around Apollo House. 148 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:03,660 Well, that would explain 149 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,100 why I'm feeling quite chilly now. You don't look chilly. 150 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:07,820 Brrrr. Bullshit. 151 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:09,340 It's an hour outside the agreed 152 00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:11,900 heating window and the flat looks incredibly warm. 153 00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:14,020 How could it look warm, you maniac? 154 00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,740 Who's that? 155 00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:19,100 Oh, that'll be the Isis guys that I've invited round 156 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:21,500 to charge their mobiles on your coin. Don't joke. 157 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:23,020 Now, turn the heating off, 158 00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:25,420 put a jumper on and text me a picture of you wearing it 159 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:29,460 in front of the thermostat with today's paper. 160 00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,260 Hey. Oh, hi. 161 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,660 Er, wondered if you had time for a bit of life coaching, 162 00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:37,900 um...off the clock. 163 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,540 Sure. 164 00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:42,300 Hey, I know what the weird atmosphere is. 165 00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:44,620 Coming, Hans. 166 00:06:44,660 --> 00:06:45,860 Oh, God, Dobby. 167 00:06:45,900 --> 00:06:47,780 Hi. Wow! 168 00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:49,780 Did you just arrive? Did-Did your phone die? 169 00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:52,180 Er, yeah, it did. How did you know? 170 00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:53,780 Great to see you. 171 00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:55,300 I just wanted to say hi 172 00:06:55,340 --> 00:06:57,060 and head off any potential weirdness 173 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,940 by being as weird as possible right now. 174 00:06:58,980 --> 00:07:01,020 So, rrrraaaarrgh! 175 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:03,460 Good option. Blaaaargh! 176 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,020 'OK, she's still adorable. Time to go to DEFCON 1. 177 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,340 'Roll out the new Mark manifesto.' 178 00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:13,180 Dobby, come in. There was actually something I wanted to say. 179 00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:16,220 'No pressure, but go out with me or I'll hang myself.' 180 00:07:16,260 --> 00:07:18,700 Hey. Er, my toothbrush isn't charging. 181 00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:21,460 I think the voltages are wrong here. 182 00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:24,180 Can I, er...? 'Who the fuck are you? 183 00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:26,740 'And what have you got against 240 lovely British volts?' 184 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,620 Hi. Hi. 185 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:31,140 That's Gregory. Fuck this shit, it won't go in. 186 00:07:31,180 --> 00:07:32,780 And what does Gregory do? 187 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:36,020 He's resting and writing a great blog about digital rights 188 00:07:36,060 --> 00:07:38,380 and how Brooklyn is changing for the worse, 189 00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:40,860 and comparing the different coffee shops he doesn't like 190 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,660 and how their coffee isn't real coffee. 191 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,140 And the carrot cakes? 192 00:07:44,180 --> 00:07:46,020 Er, yeah, sometimes. 193 00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:48,860 'I knew it.' OK. It's, er, charging. 194 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,700 I'm going to go back to the room. I think I've got a headache. 195 00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:53,260 But I'm not sure. 196 00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:55,020 You coming, Dobby? 197 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:58,340 Leave poor old million-text Mark to his surveillance. 198 00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:01,020 That's Jeremy. What's Jeremy doing in my bedroom? 199 00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,700 Mark, have you rigged your flat up with spycams? 200 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,740 Webcams. If Jeremy has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear. 201 00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:08,340 Who's that? 202 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:11,500 Some guy. He's taken some guy into my room. 203 00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:12,980 Oh, God. 204 00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:15,300 Is he going to sell all my stuff, or... 205 00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:18,020 Or download something horrible onto my computer? 206 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:19,940 Wow. 207 00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:22,900 Jeremy's gone gay. OK. 208 00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:25,420 Is he playing the field, or is this guy his boyfriend? 209 00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:29,180 Don't know. He's always been pretty slutty and a bit... 210 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:32,060 But not actually the full... 211 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:35,220 God, maybe he does this every time I leave the house. 212 00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:37,500 Oh, God, what are they going to do next? 213 00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:39,460 I think I know what they're going to do next. 214 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,700 Well, why can't they do it in his bed? 215 00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:45,740 We should turn this off. Yeah, we definitely should. 216 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,740 That reading light's going to go. 217 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,860 I wonder if they're going to be into 218 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:54,540 penetration or just clip each other off. 219 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:57,020 Yeah, that gives it a certain suspense. 220 00:08:57,060 --> 00:09:01,060 I really feel I shouldn't be watching this. 221 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,620 Are they... 222 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,260 Is my room all right? 223 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:09,180 Your room's fine, but Jeremy's cock's getting quite the hammering. 224 00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:11,540 Oi-oi, Marco, ready to go? 225 00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:13,020 Molly's gang are staying here, so 226 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:15,180 Team Hans are off to burn down the village. 227 00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:16,940 Ooh. What you watching? 228 00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,980 Jez get fucked by some guy on Mark's webcam. 229 00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,620 Right. Fair play. 230 00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:23,740 How long you been filming Jez having sex, Mark? 231 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,860 It's accidental. I just wanted to make sure 232 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,020 he hadn't turned up the central heating. 233 00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:29,780 You can relax on that front. 234 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,260 I don't think they're going to need any central heating. 235 00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:33,940 'I will not watch this. 236 00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:36,660 'I'm going to go and stare into the mirror and wait out the fucking 237 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,740 'like it's an air raid.' DOBBY: Whoo! 238 00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:42,780 The reading light's gone, Mark. Ohh. 239 00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:46,460 Anything else for the speech? Gregory, it's all cool. 240 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,780 Mark is not going to jump me. 241 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,900 He's not an alpha male asshole. 242 00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:53,380 'Heh-heh! Everyone trusts the pathetic worm. 243 00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:55,260 'It's good to be a pathetic worm.' 244 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:58,220 Stop being a psycho and go back to live-tweeting your headache. 245 00:09:58,260 --> 00:10:01,420 Oh, right, I once fucking totalled a mate's car, 246 00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:03,580 smashed the shit out of it big-time, 247 00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:07,620 and we fell out and he came for me, but I did him. 248 00:10:09,420 --> 00:10:11,220 Uh-huh. That's... 249 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:13,500 That's a good story. Um... 250 00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:17,540 Any-Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic? 251 00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:19,700 Also, and I know this might sound 252 00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:22,460 like a bit of a starter question, but... 253 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,860 What's your name? 254 00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:28,300 Megan doesn't need to know about this. Right? 255 00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,300 Oh, sure. Just watching TV with a guy. 256 00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:32,580 It's like watching TV with Mark. 257 00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:35,540 Except, generally, I don't have Mark's jizz on my leg. 258 00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:37,420 How would it be if...? 259 00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:40,100 I mean, I've had a really nice time and, er, 260 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,100 I don't want to push it, but... 261 00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,980 What if I stayed over? 262 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,420 Er... 263 00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:46,860 'Cuddling up all night with Joe, 264 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,900 'as if we were boyfriend and...boyfriend? 265 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,700 'Am I going to go the full three dimensions?' 266 00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:55,380 Love to, but I've got to get on a coach to Norfolk. 267 00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:57,340 It's... Best friend's wedding. Now? 268 00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:59,740 Yeah, got to go. 269 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,540 Can't hang around here cuddling all night long. 270 00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:06,580 Got to get on a night coach to King's Lynn, my friend. 271 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:10,100 I understand, and I'm sorry for being rude. 272 00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:12,220 No, you've explained the economics 273 00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:16,260 of running a rural taxi firm very clearly. 274 00:11:16,820 --> 00:11:18,100 Three hours for a cab. 275 00:11:18,140 --> 00:11:20,860 How are we going to get back? We're in the middle of nowhere. 276 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,660 Fuck! Right... 277 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,380 Oh, no, Hans. No, not that. 278 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:27,540 Wicked! Hitching! Well, one of us is definitely going to get murdered. 279 00:11:27,580 --> 00:11:29,940 Probably bloody me. It's usually the girl. 280 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,020 Relax. There are three of us. 281 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,740 If they try anything, just whip out a bootlace and... 282 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:37,420 Take 'em out from behind - nice and easy. 283 00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:39,780 Er... So, yeah, Dobs, I just wanted 284 00:11:39,820 --> 00:11:43,300 to say, about the...million-text month... 285 00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:44,940 Sorry. 286 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,820 I was just not feeling like chatting. 287 00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:48,900 After the weird picnic, I just felt... 288 00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:50,700 You know when you want to get the fuck out, 289 00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,300 because you're getting suffocated? 290 00:11:52,340 --> 00:11:54,580 Those last few months, me and you, do you remember? 291 00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:57,420 We used to just sit on the sofa watching DVDs 292 00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:59,740 and eating lamb pasanda like a pair of zombies. 293 00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:02,820 Yeah. Was sort of like a living death, wasn't it? 294 00:12:02,860 --> 00:12:04,460 'It was lovely.' 295 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:08,300 Yeah, cos I've actually been thinking of maybe training it to Budapest 296 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:11,940 and getting into mime and fucking street theatre. 297 00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:14,140 Yeah? You don't want to hitch in England, 298 00:12:14,180 --> 00:12:15,860 but you want to mime in Hungary? 299 00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,460 Oh, God, no. 300 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,500 Why would anyone be driving around at this time? 301 00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:21,420 It doesn't make any sense. 302 00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:24,340 Dobby, we're not seriously going to get into a stranger's car? 303 00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,620 It's an adventure, Mark. They could be anyone. 304 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:29,100 Poets, hippies, freaks, norms. 305 00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,740 Maniacs, people smugglers, organ harvesters. 306 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:33,860 Mm, everyone's drinking the Kool-Aid. 307 00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,580 I don't want any delicious Kool-Aid. 308 00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:38,380 'The tinny vibration. 309 00:12:38,420 --> 00:12:40,780 'God, that's annoying. That has got to hurt. 310 00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:44,180 'I'm aggressively glancing. Constant eye flicks and no smile. 311 00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:47,060 'Man, he's got to be hurting. This is inhuman. 312 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,220 'I'm slaying him. 313 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:51,540 'What the hell am I doing in this horrible coach 314 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:53,500 'instead of spooning with a lovely guy? 315 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,140 'Do I love Joe? Do I love Megan? 316 00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,540 'Do I love this guy sitting next to me? 317 00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:01,260 'Am I a guy who just slept with a guy, which is fine, 318 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,220 'or am I a guy who is a gay guy, which is also fine, 319 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:07,220 'or am I a guy who sometimes sleeps with guys and sometimes doesn't? 320 00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:08,900 'Which is also fine. 321 00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:11,300 'It's all totally fine.' 322 00:13:11,340 --> 00:13:12,580 So, why are you all out, then? 323 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,660 You guys looking for a good time, or what? 324 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,420 'God, they're doggers. I'm going to get dogged.' 325 00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,660 Oh, we've just been out for a few tomato juices, heading home. 326 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,620 Do you know anywhere haunted? 327 00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:24,900 Properly haunted, not just bullshit for tourists? 328 00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:27,220 What do you think? Have we got time for a quick detour? 329 00:13:27,260 --> 00:13:30,140 We could go up to the old air-raid shelter up on the top road. 330 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:33,380 'Oh, my God. I knew someone was going to get murdered.' 331 00:13:33,420 --> 00:13:34,940 Hans! What? 332 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,220 Do not murder him. What did you say? 333 00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:39,420 Er, nothing. Did you tell him to murder us? 334 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:41,580 No, no, I said not to murder you. 335 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:44,420 Just doing up my laces, guys. Relax, for fuck's sake. 336 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,300 Why are you talking about murdering us? 337 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,540 No, no murdering. It's a misunderstanding. 338 00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:50,020 Cos if you come for us, I'll chop 339 00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,540 you up and feed you into a fucking septic tank. 340 00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:55,940 Touche. We...we relent. Seriously, no...no harm meant. 341 00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:59,660 I-I momentarily thought that there was an outside chance that my pal 342 00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:01,340 might be going to try to murder you 343 00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:03,460 and I was just checking that he wasn't, 344 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,420 so...we're all good. 345 00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:11,400 So, what's, er...what's your position on the whole euro situation? 346 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:14,780 Oh, my God. I thought Hans was actually going to garrotte him. 347 00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,740 I know. And then I thought no-one was going to 348 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:18,740 challenge that guy on his xenophobic rant, 349 00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:20,900 but I just had to say it, I couldn't let it go. 350 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,900 I think it's good how you said it. 351 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:26,420 I mean, I would have said it...eventually. 352 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:29,780 Maybe a bit closer to our destination. 353 00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:31,300 How much further is it? 354 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:33,140 Fuck knows. Like, three miles. 355 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,220 Man, Molly's going to shit a house brick. 356 00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:39,380 Right... I'm running. 357 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,540 No shoes? No, man. 358 00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,460 Mother Nature's trainer, the human foot. 359 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,780 Right, laterz. 360 00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:47,500 Oh, and, er, watch out for wolves. 361 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:49,620 There are no wolves in East Anglia, Hans. 362 00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:52,140 Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Marko. 363 00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,860 Ooh, you fucker! 364 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:55,540 Oh, God. Five miles? 365 00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:58,220 If it gets too freezing, we could always sleep in a barn. 366 00:14:58,260 --> 00:15:00,020 'The prospect of spending the night 367 00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:02,380 'huddled in a haystack with Dobby should be thrilling, 368 00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:06,100 'but all I can think about is my hotel bed and my pillow chocolate. 369 00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:07,980 'I want my pillow chocolate. 370 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:10,460 'Oh, no pillow chocolate. 371 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,740 'I don't expect them to actually run me a bath. 372 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:14,980 'I simply want to eat some chocolate off my pillow 373 00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:17,020 'like a normal human being.' 374 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,260 'Could it be Dobby? 375 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,780 'Maybe Gregory's minor headache was an aneurysm. 376 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,460 'Heh-heh! Naughty but nice.' 377 00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,820 Oh. 378 00:15:24,860 --> 00:15:26,740 Hey. I thought you'd be here tomorrow. 379 00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,500 I am actually quite tired, so... 380 00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:31,340 The inevitable Jez. How's the Dobby mission going? 381 00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:33,620 Disaster. She's got a boyfriend. 382 00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:36,700 She seems a lot happier, comfier in her own skin. 383 00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:38,300 She's blossomed. 384 00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:40,180 I hate it when that happens. 385 00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:43,860 Yeah, so, um, I know we don't have that many heart-to-heart chats, 386 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:46,740 but, um, there's something I need to talk to you about. 387 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:49,540 Uh-huh. 'I know nothing. Don't pre-empt.' 388 00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:51,340 'Blank face, blank face.' 389 00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:52,660 Look, you're the last person 390 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:55,540 who I would ideally talk to about this, 391 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,300 but the fact is, this will come as something of a shock. 392 00:15:58,340 --> 00:15:59,940 'Total surprise.' 393 00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:03,060 Earlier tonight, I had sex with a man in my bedroom, 394 00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:06,180 and... I'm...I'm sorry, in your bedroom? 395 00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:08,100 Yeah. And... 396 00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:09,860 I have feelings for this guy Joe, 397 00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:12,580 but I kind of walked out on him and... 398 00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:15,460 Just to clarify, you were in...your bedroom? 399 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,940 Yes, Mark. 400 00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:19,420 Anyway, um, as I was saying, I really like this guy... 401 00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:23,300 Not the kitchen, or-or the living room, or any other room in the flat? 402 00:16:23,340 --> 00:16:24,860 I'm talking about possibly 403 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,180 the biggest thing that's ever happened in my life 404 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,740 and you're obsessing about...roomal geography? 405 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,020 No, fine. Go on. I-I-I'm sorry. 406 00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:35,260 I thought I was just totally open, totally cool, 407 00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,660 but now I wonder if 408 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:41,700 inside, I don't have some shame or confusion 409 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,820 deep in there. Uh-huh, I get it, mate. 410 00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:48,860 And-And what, out-out of interest, was the temperature like in the room 411 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:52,060 when...when you were...doing it? Normal, 412 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,260 unheated, regular air temperature. 413 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:58,180 Hey, Mark, Gregory forgot his toothbrush. Oh, hey, Jez. 414 00:16:58,220 --> 00:17:01,060 Hey, Dobs. Sorry, am I interrupting? 415 00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:05,100 I'll-I'll leave you two to... Sorry. 416 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,500 Good luck! 417 00:17:07,540 --> 00:17:09,100 Dobby, are you all right? 418 00:17:09,140 --> 00:17:10,740 Sorry, it's just... 419 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,340 I know something about you which I shouldn't really know, 420 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,220 but I do know, but it's not my fault. 421 00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:18,660 Anyway, really great, Jez, everything, bye. 422 00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:20,340 Did you... 423 00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:21,900 Do you...know? 424 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,820 Look, I'm sorry, Jez, but I've... 425 00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:26,180 I've got a webcam in my bedroom. 426 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:28,900 Oh, my God! You watched me...? 427 00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:31,340 I saw the whole thing and so did Dobby. 428 00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:36,660 Hey, Mark, Dobs forgot the charger. Can I grab it? 429 00:17:37,060 --> 00:17:39,620 Oh. Wow, you must be Jeremy. 430 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,260 Yes. How do you... 431 00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,860 I, er...must have seen you before... 432 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:45,820 around. 433 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:47,340 See you later. 434 00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,140 Him as well? 435 00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:51,860 You chose to go into my bedroom. You...you filmed yourself. 436 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,220 I didn't know your room 437 00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:55,180 was bristling with surveillance equipment. 438 00:17:56,780 --> 00:17:59,140 All right, Jez? Hans. 439 00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:01,860 So, er, it's all cool with Molly. 440 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:05,900 Look, I just wanted to say about tonight, um...sorry... 441 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,260 about the garrotting. 442 00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:09,940 I fucked up a nice lift home for us there and, er, 443 00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:11,820 well, you didn't break my nuts about it. 444 00:18:11,860 --> 00:18:14,020 That's what real mates do. They, er... 445 00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,660 they take a pounding, but they still come up smiling. 446 00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,340 Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed. 447 00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:22,140 God, has the entire world seen this fucking video? 448 00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:25,220 I came here to talk to someone about this, get some perspective. 449 00:18:25,260 --> 00:18:27,780 Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments. 450 00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:31,820 Yeah. They might be good comments. 451 00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:38,420 Good afternoon. My name's Katie Mitchell... 452 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,300 'First mistake - no bouncers at the wedding. I'm in. 453 00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:42,580 'Plus, the great thing is, 454 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:46,180 'I've escaped the strong, comforting arms of the sexy, affectionate man.' 455 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:48,420 ...to conduct this ceremony for them today. 456 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,020 So, it's my great pleasure... 457 00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:52,220 Gregory sure loves his phone. 458 00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:55,300 'Looking at his phone and she loves it. I could look at my phone. 459 00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:57,100 'We all want to look at our phones.' 460 00:18:57,140 --> 00:19:01,140 They will now recite the vows they have written together. 461 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,420 I will not fail nor falter. 462 00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:09,460 I shall succeed. My perception is altered. 463 00:19:09,540 --> 00:19:10,940 I do believe. 464 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:13,020 Faith is so strong now. 465 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,980 Nothing shall bar my way. 466 00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:18,260 From conviction, no fiction. 467 00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,420 This is my day. 468 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:23,820 I can move, move, move any mountain. 469 00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:26,500 I can move, move, move any mountain. 470 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:30,540 I can move, move, move any mountain. 471 00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,340 - Simon? - 'Simon? 472 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,460 'Super Simon? Simon Hans?' 473 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,660 ...and into my heart. 474 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:40,140 You are the best of men. 475 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,700 The truest, kindest, most generous of men. 476 00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:46,700 'I think he might be the opposite of all those words.' 477 00:19:46,740 --> 00:19:48,660 I'm getting married. 478 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:51,140 And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. 479 00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:54,460 That is how I feel today, Molly. 480 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:56,180 So suffused with love, 481 00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:58,620 I'd put a glass in the face of anyone 482 00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:01,700 who tried to stop us joining our souls together. 483 00:20:01,740 --> 00:20:05,740 I'd hospitalise them. 484 00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:10,540 Hear, hear. 485 00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:14,580 The bride and groom! 486 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,580 'Mention the seven years working in Richer Sounds in Kew, 487 00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:20,340 'miss out the Thai jail, 488 00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:22,260 'on to the bands, drop the first marriage, 489 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,460 'hit Jeremy and their long friendship, 490 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:28,140 'minus all the bad blood and occasional sucking each other off, blah, blah. 491 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:31,860 'Wrap up with a toast to the bride and groom, Hans, or possibly Simon, 492 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,860 'and his wife, whose Christian name I've unfortunately forgotten. 493 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,980 'Shit! I don't really know either of their names. 494 00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:41,860 'There's Dobby. She doesn't like pasanda and quality TV drama. 495 00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:45,060 'She likes hitchhiking and terrifying actual drama. 496 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,180 'We don't fit. Oh, my God! 497 00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:51,220 'I'm letting go. I've crossed the bridge into adulthood. I'm moving on. 498 00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:54,580 'I'm going to delete her off my GPS. 499 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,140 'Weird. It looks like she's right behind me. 500 00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,860 'Fuck! What the...' 501 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,020 Oof! I know you're stalking Dobby. 502 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,740 I tracked your IP address. You still love her. 503 00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:06,740 Gregory, believe me, I don't. I'm not. I've stopped. 504 00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:08,860 When? Literally just now. 505 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,900 I was just about to delete her off my phone. 506 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:12,340 You douchebag! 507 00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:14,580 I promise you, I don't like her any more. 508 00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:17,060 She always saying exactly what she's thinking, 509 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:19,380 with no regards for the consequences 510 00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:22,340 and she's got weird hair, and she smokes. 511 00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:25,780 Ah, please don't punch me. I wish you both well. 512 00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:29,820 I wish you both well! 513 00:21:30,020 --> 00:21:32,380 Um... Excuse me, ladies and gents. 514 00:21:32,420 --> 00:21:34,860 Excuse me. Oi! 515 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:38,900 Sorry, hi. Er, I'm afraid the, er, the best man, er, has gone AWOL. 516 00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:41,260 Um, but don't worry. 517 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:45,300 Just eat some cheese and I'll get it sorted. 518 00:21:46,460 --> 00:21:47,980 Jez, Jez. 519 00:21:48,020 --> 00:21:49,260 Um, would you... 520 00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:51,620 But I've got nothing prepared. That's all right. 521 00:21:51,660 --> 00:21:53,820 Just freestyle it, man, yeah? 522 00:21:53,860 --> 00:21:56,340 But don't, er... Obviously, don't rap. 523 00:21:56,380 --> 00:22:00,380 Remember? After Stoke? You never rap. 524 00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:07,340 Hans... 525 00:22:07,380 --> 00:22:09,380 Super Hans... 526 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,060 I've known Hans for many a year now. 527 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:16,100 It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, 528 00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:18,980 er, and... 529 00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:22,020 I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, 530 00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:24,420 but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. 531 00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:28,460 People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. 532 00:22:29,820 --> 00:22:33,820 But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just...loves them. 533 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,700 And if that person is considered to be a downer, 534 00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:43,020 or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? 535 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:47,260 And even if someone loves another man...or... 536 00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:49,340 What's in a name? 537 00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:51,220 Or gender? 538 00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:54,900 Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? 539 00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,700 Four is surely the limit. 540 00:22:57,740 --> 00:22:59,300 But is it? 541 00:22:59,340 --> 00:23:01,780 What is love anyway? Is it, er... 542 00:23:01,820 --> 00:23:04,420 an act or a feeling... 543 00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:06,660 or... Who am I to speak? 544 00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,860 Who are you to listen? 545 00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:11,180 Why is a marriage a marriage? 546 00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:15,220 But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another 547 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:17,740 even though... 548 00:23:17,780 --> 00:23:21,420 now it says it says that now it's OK? 549 00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:25,460 Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? 550 00:23:25,660 --> 00:23:27,820 Dogs getting married? 551 00:23:27,860 --> 00:23:29,860 Could I marry my own son? 552 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,500 No. 553 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,580 Possibly not? 554 00:23:33,620 --> 00:23:35,340 Correct. 555 00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:37,660 Or is it? What I'm trying to say 556 00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:41,460 is that people should do whatever they want to do 557 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:45,260 at a temperature that suits them within limits. 558 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,140 Thank you. 559 00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:50,340 'Pretty sure someone's going to print that speech on a tea towel someday. 560 00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:52,500 'Yeah! Eat that, Obama. 561 00:23:52,540 --> 00:23:54,700 'Fuck off, Mandela. Take that, Mark. 562 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:58,740 'I'm the best man. I'm the best man who ever lived.'