1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,520
# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

2
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:08,560
# And I'm so hot

3
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,600
♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

4
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,680
GRUNTING

5
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:20,720
MARK: 'Hmm.

6
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,040
'Once upon a time, I might have woken
to the sound of a song thrush.

7
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:28,080
'Now it's a couple of guys pounding
the living daylights out of each other.

8
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,560
'I mean, it's fine.

9
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,840
'It's just, when Jeremy had sex with
women, I hated the noise,

10
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,880
'but at least there was
something in it for me.

11
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,200
'Now it's like there are two Jeremys
in there humping each other.

12
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,880
'That would be his dream.'
JEZ: Fuck!

13
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,480
So, just to be clear, for my records.

14
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,640
You're sleeping with Joe
regularly now.

15
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,040
Can't handle it. I can handle it,
I'm fine with it.

16
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,760
Just, what, you've gone gay?

17
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,960
Your word, not mine.
Sure, but...

18
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,640
let's say you had a Wikipedia page,
which obviously you don't,

19
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,840
regardless of how many times
you try and put one up.

20
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:02,880
Would it say that Jeremy Usborne
was gay or straight?

21
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,800
I don't fit in to your
tiny little boxes.

22
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,760
I'm just looking for that sacred
connection, and for that,

23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,600
I'd fuck any single member
of the human race.

24
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,200
Yes. Yes, I believe that.

25
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,240
You know I've always been a bit gay.
I've always liked a bit of that.

26
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:15,800
Like with Pej in Darty.

27
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,000
You and Pej?

28
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,040
We used to get pissed and pull
each other off. Didn't you?

29
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,360
You should've. It was great.

30
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,400
I have a long and varied
list of regrets,

31
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,080
Jeremy, but not being pulled
off by Pej isn't one of them.

32
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,800
The thing about sex with a guy,

33
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:30,520
it's like getting your car fixed
at the actual dealership.

34
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,840
They've got all the codes.
You just plug right in.

35
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,640
I mean, you like blow jobs,
don't you, Mark?

36
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,440
I'm eating a Fruit Corner, Jeremy.

37
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:37,880
Of course you do. But...

38
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,680
what's the most blow jobs
you've ever had in one day?

39
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,040
Like in the first happy days
of a relationship?

40
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,120
One. Right.

41
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:49,160
Well, my life now
is a 24/7 blow-job bonanza.

42
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,880
I very much regret
starting this conversation.

43
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:52,920
Put it this way.

44
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,800
I'm moving out and I've got a new
address for you to forward my post to -

45
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:56,920
Blow-job City.

46
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,080
Jez, I've got to make a move.

47
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,840
Cool. Um, here's that Beastie Boys
CD I was telling you about.

48
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,720
Thanks, but I don't own a CD player.

49
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,600
Oh. Yeah. Well, download the
shit out of them.

50
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:08,880
They're cool. Yeah?

51
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,600
I think they started before I was
born, and one of them is dead.

52
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,400
Listen, gotta go.
THEY KISS

53
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,560
See you. Bye.

54
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,800
'The gay couple.
I live with a gay couple.

55
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,800
'It's political correctness gone
normal.'

56
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,000
I really like him, Mark.
Do you think it matters

57
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,480
if I'm not young,
dumb and full of come?

58
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,160
Oh, no. I mean...

59
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,160
you're older and...

60
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,560
intelligent and full of come. Yeah.

61
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,520
Except I'm not that intelligent,

62
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:35,160
because I don't really understand
almost any of what the news is about,

63
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,920
and I'm not even certain that

64
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,360
I'm full of come.
Oh, I'm sure...

65
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,240
'How did I get here?!'

66
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,000
I'm sure you're full of come.

67
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,040
That's nice. Thank you.

68
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,520
So, thank you...
'The one that got away.

69
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:52,720
'Lovely April.

70
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,200
'But you can't get away from Google,
April. Corrigan and Google -

71
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,600
'the maverick detectives
who just won't give up.

72
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,640
'Yup, she's just as beautiful as she was
when I failed to sleep with her in Darty.

73
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,760
'And she knows a fuckload
about the Ottoman Empire.

74
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,400
'If she voices the audiobook,

75
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,360
'then it's, "Look out, St Basil!" because
I'm going to buy a box of wet wipes

76
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:14,680
'and have me a wanky
Byzantine party.'

77
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,960
Um, things haven't been great
between me and Joe lately.

78
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,520
'Yeah, that will happen
when he's busy

79
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,000
'sucking off your life coach.'
Maybe we should have a big chat.

80
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,640
And I should just say, like, "Are
you ready to commit? Because I am."

81
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:27,880
What do you think?

82
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,800
No. Oh.

83
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,600
Right. Why not?
The point is,

84
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,400
you do your thing, yeah,
and let him do his thing.

85
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,280
And don't talk about upsetting shit.

86
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:38,480
That's the key to happiness.

87
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,640
That's not what I expected you to
say. I'm a straight-shooter.

88
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,760
'And I'm fucking your boyfriend.'
Time's up, I think.

89
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,040
Oh, right.

90
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,680
I'm going to call him.

91
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,640
'No, don't call him!'

92
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:49,920
Fuck it, I'm going to lock him out.

93
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,160
'Yeah! Lock him out!'

94
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,600
Do you want to, um...

95
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:54,760
..stay for a glass of wine?

96
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,480
Er... 'She's sexy,

97
00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,520
'artistic, confused...
It'd be rude not to!'

98
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,960
'"We studied Ancient History
at Dartmouth -

99
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,320
'"but that's all ancient history!
Ha-ha-ha!"

100
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,680
'No.'

101
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:10,040
Thanks for coming. Thank you.

102
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,240
Hi. I love the Ottoman Empire.

103
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:16,280
I think I feel an affinity because
some ingeniously savage children

104
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,680
at my secondary school called me
"the sick man of Europe".

105
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,480
Sorry. TMI.

106
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,120
No! I was actually ostracised by

107
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,120
some horrible girls
who called me Joan of Snark.

108
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,400
'Two peas in a fucking pod.'

109
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,520
Er, who should I sign it to?
Mark. Mark Corrigan.

110
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,840
OK. 'Does she recognise me?

111
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,400
'I should say something.

112
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,840
'Could come clean.

113
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,960
'"You sold me some brogues
and I followed you 200 miles

114
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,240
'"and faked being a mature
student to see you."'

115
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,680
There you go. Thanks again for
coming.

116
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,080
My pleasure.
'This is my chance.

117
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,680
'And I'm doing nothing.

118
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,760
'I am now, this instant,

119
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,360
missing my chance.' Sorry to
flout the queueing system

120
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,120
like some syphilitic sultan,

121
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,320
but I just wanted to say that we did
actually meet once before.

122
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,280
Years ago, at Dartmouth Uni.

123
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,880
I thought I remembered you!
But I wasn't sure...

124
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,760
I transferred from Coventry,
then I transferred back again.

125
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,640
It was complicated. I think Bez
won Big Brother around then.

126
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,920
Kilroy started Veritas. Crazy times.

127
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,960
I'm rambling. But how would you
like to have a glass of wine?

128
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,400
I have to say, this is the first
time I've ever betrayed the ethics

129
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,440
of my life-coaching organisation.

130
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,920
Well, it was outside

131
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,560
our coaching window.
Yeah. I mean...

132
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,440
I bet it's fine if football coaches
have sex with their players, so long as

133
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,280
it's outside the coaching window.
Listen, Joe'll be back soon, so...

134
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,000
you should probably go.
'Oh, I'd love to hang out with Joe,

135
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,240
'but maybe tonight
isn't the best night.'

136
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,320
I'm going to have to book a double
session just to talk this shit through!

137
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,160
'I'm creating my own work!
I'm living off my own mess.

138
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,840
'Like when they fed all the cows to
the other cows in the '90s

139
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,480
'and we got...what was it?
Super-burgers?'

140
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,000
My day job's lecturing
at South Thames College.

141
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,080
So this is your secret identity.

142
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,200
Sort of like Indiana Jones. Yes.

143
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,280
I'm very much like Indiana Jones.
Except I don't have a whip.

144
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,280
And I ain't afraid of no snakes!

145
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,320
'An Indiana Jones reference mixed with
a Ghostbusters reference! I love you,

146
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,240
'April Danecroft.'

147
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,000
I couldn't help noticing
that your book's co-written.

148
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,480
That's my husband. 'Shit!'

149
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,840
I still use my maiden
name for books.

150
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,520
'Of course.
Of course she's married.'

151
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,640
You write together?
That sounds like a...

152
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,760
a dream sort of setup.
Well, I do all the PR.

153
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,560
And most of the bulk
of the writing, too.

154
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,200
'Interesting.'
I mean, it's fine.

155
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,360
Angus is so busy with all his...

156
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,040
research.
'Hello, resentment, my old friend.

157
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,400
'I've come to stoke you up again.'
Mark,

158
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,840
I don't mean to be weird
or anything, but...

159
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,400
did anything happen between us

160
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,200
at one of MacLeish's
weird Darty Parties?

161
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,920
No, I-I mean, if I can just search
the old memory banks...

162
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,880
'For the moment
I replay nightly.'

163
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,400
..we might have had one cuddle once,

164
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,280
but that was about it,
as I recall.

165
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,800
Look, it was so great
to see you again.

166
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,080
I'd better go. Angus awaits.

167
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:03,120
'She's leaving. Again. Come on, Mark!
Pull your dick from the stone!'

168
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,760
As a matter of fact, I'm having
a dinner party tomorrow night.

169
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,480
Ridiculously short notice,
I know, but...

170
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,040
Well, I'm free tomorrow.

171
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,800
Although Angus is going to a
conference.

172
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,840
Well, why don't you come on your own?
It's not like you're chained together.

173
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,040
Or are you?

174
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,560
Not last time I checked.
Clank clank.

175
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,640
Tomorrow. It's a date.

176
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,800
I mean, that is the date
on which it shall happen.

177
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,000
Great.
'Yes! Olympus has fallen.

178
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,040
'Now all I have to do is cook a meal
so delicious she will make love to me.

179
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,000
'Such as...cheesy pasta.'

180
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,240
Jez, don't forget your phone!

181
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,080
BLENDER WHIRS

182
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,880
I thought you were going to
the cinema

183
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,120
with Joe. Whatever.

184
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,480
It'll start with half an hour of
adverts

185
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,440
which everyone sits through
like obedient disciples

186
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,280
of the capitalist dictatorship.
What the hell are you even doing?

187
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,640
I'm making hummus.
Making hummus, he says,

188
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,400
like it's perfectly natural.
No-one makes hummus.

189
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,840
It's only hummus, Jeremy. What are
you going to do next?

190
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,920
Start making your own
pasta? As a matter of fact,

191
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,560
I have made my own pasta.
Jesus, Mark.

192
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,760
Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury's make
the food. We eat the food.

193
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,280
April from Darty's coming
over, as it happens.

194
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,000
The girl from the shoe shop?

195
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,520
You finally tracked her down and
you're luring her back to your lair

196
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,080
to eat her with pasta.

197
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,680
It isn't a lair, it's my flat!

198
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,080
And my sole subterfuge

199
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,560
is that she thinks she's coming
to a dinner party.

200
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:19,320
But I've got a feeling that the other
guests may cancel at the last minute.

201
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,520
Naughty, unreliable guests.

202
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,320
Finally I'm rubbing off on
you. Jez,

203
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,840
I think she might actually be
my perfect woman.

204
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,920
She's a serious academic historian

205
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,600
who got my joke about Indiana Jones!

206
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,640
She just texted, saying, "Professor
Jones has her whip ready."

207
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,720
I think it's probably
the sexiest text

208
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,080
anyone has ever received! Wow.

209
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,360
You should go the full Indy.
"I love you," on the eyelids.

210
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,720
LAUGHING
Brilliant.

211
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,680
But far too mad.

212
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:46,960
Go on! It'll be hilarious!

213
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,400
I was thinking,
"How can I turn up the heat?"

214
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,720
I could blink at her as she
came through the door.

215
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,880
More than hilarious.
It would be a hoot!

216
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:56,640
It would be a bit of a hoot,
wouldn't it?

217
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,560
But it's the sort of thing you'd
think about but never actually do.

218
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:00,880
Not on my watch!

219
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,280
Come on. You've tracked down the
love of your life. Go for it!

220
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,440
NERVOUS LAUGHTER

221
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,320
No, Jez! Yes, Mark.

222
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,440
This is what real friends are for.

223
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,400
Making you do brilliant things
that you'd never do otherwise.

224
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,760
This is how the El
Dude Brothers roll.

225
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,000
God.

226
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,400
Right, then, hold still.
Come on, Mark.

227
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:18,880
Oh!

228
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,520
This is crazy! You're mental!

229
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,600
How does it look?

230
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,360
DOORBELL RINGS

231
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,160
Oh, my God! Why would
she be here so early?

232
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,760
I haven't even finished
pureeing the chickpeas!

233
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,280
Megan. Hey, Jezebel.

234
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,040
Got off work early. Thought
I'd see how it's hanging.

235
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,640
'Oh, no! Joe in the bedroom,
Megan in the hallway!

236
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,600
'I'm playing Genital Jenga!'

237
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:42,800
Good to see you.

238
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,000
It's just... Megan.

239
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,440
Joe. Megan!

240
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,840
Joe popped over.
What a fun coincidence.

241
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,280
Are you having a coaching
session, or...?

242
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,400
No, he came round for a
friendly visit.

243
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,480
Why? Do you have
a coaching session booked?

244
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,080
No, no, no. These are both just
friendly, coincidental visits.

245
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,000
'How lucky and brilliant.

246
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,520
'This party needs to break up fast.

247
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:04,080
'How? Fire? Use a lighter to
start a little fire in the hall?'

248
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,680
I'll be in in a minute.

249
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:07,760
There we go.

250
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,240
Four and a half hours of tears
and sweat and pain

251
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,960
and it will, if I'm lucky,

252
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,080
taste almost as nice as a
slice of freshly buttered toast.

253
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,920
'OK, let's get the fuck out. A run?'
PHONE RINGS

254
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,200
'Yeah, let's go for a totally normal
Saturday night three-person run.'

255
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,280
April.

256
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,200
Dr Jones, I presume.
Just whipping up a feast.

257
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,400
'Hi, Mark. I'm really sorry.

258
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,760
'Angus isn't going to his
conference tonight after all.

259
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,840
'Is it OK if we both come
to the dinner party?'

260
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:35,040
'No way.'

261
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,560
No problemo, amigo.
Hasta la vista.

262
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,880
'Spanish? Has the stress
turned me entirely Spanish?'

263
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,520
'I promise we're house-trained.

264
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,960
'We'll fit right along in
with your other guests.'

265
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,240
Er, of course.

266
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,760
They... They won't mind. They're very
relaxed, the other guests.

267
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,920
One more person
at the dinner party.

268
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,560
No big deal.

269
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,720
'Thanks so much, and
sorry for the short notice.'

270
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,640
'See you in 30.' Adios.

271
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:01,440
'Oh! Utterly fucked
and unaccountably Spanish.'

272
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,920
Can you smell...
HE SNIFFS

273
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,040
..like, smoke? Um... No. No?

274
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,160
Maybe I'm not feeling very well.
Perhaps you guys should...

275
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,160
Hi there. I know you've
probably got plans tonight,

276
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:14,200
but I insist you all stay
for a delicious feast.

277
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,480
That might not be so convenient.

278
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,800
Well, that's as it may be,
but I'm afraid I insist.

279
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,360
Joe, Megan, it is going to be
amazing. You must stay.

280
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,280
Er... Wonderful.

281
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,840
What the hell are you doing?

282
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,240
I'm sorry, but I need backup.

283
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,520
Angus is coming. April's husband.

284
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,080
You didn't mention the husband,
you dark, filthy, dirty horse.

285
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,240
Yes, well, she's got a husband and,
in 30 minutes, he'll want some dinner.

286
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,120
I need to bulk out.

287
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,160
Lettuce!

288
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,600
Bulky...lettuce? They'll bring
wine, but we need booze.

289
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,960
Where's the rum?
Get the rum, make a cocktail.

290
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,000
What cocktail?
Any-fucking-thing.

291
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,960
Rum and water, rum and milk.
Chop some parsley into it.

292
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,520
They're all basically horrible.
It's action stations!

293
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,000
Fuck! How quickly can you
get to Mr Patel's and back?

294
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,320
Mr Patel's? Austerity
cornflakes and Latvian feta?

295
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,160
Look, here we go.

296
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,440
Beans. Everyone likes beans.
I can't serve baked beans.

297
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,520
Beans are pasta sauce.
Beans are not pasta sauce!

298
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,000
They're...tomato-y.

299
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,280
Ketchup is tomato-y.

300
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:16,160
That's not a pasta sauce.
It is when I make pasta.

301
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,080
What the hell are you doing?
I-I'm picking the beans out.

302
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,480
With your disgusting human fingers?

303
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,120
Mashed. I can mash them.

304
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,560
Right, we're getting somewhere.

305
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,640
Cooking's all about confidence.

306
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,920
I'm just going to
mix it all together.

307
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,160
I need to go Nigella.
I'm going to be the Hairy Biker.

308
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:38,200
That's not Nigella. That's not
even Ainsley, mate.

309
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,840
How about some lovely
filling lettuce?

310
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,920
What are you doing?!
I'm improvising.

311
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,000
'Good. It's like Who's
Pasta Is It Anyway, yeah?'

312
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,880
How old are these?
I don't know. They're always good,

313
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,080
eggs, aren't they?

314
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,320
Till they hatch.

315
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:53,720
Are they? Yeah?

316
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,760
You know what? Maybe it's
fine. Is it...Moroccan?

317
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,280
Maybe it is Moroccan.

318
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,720
'Yeah, Morocco.
Anything goes in Morocco.'

319
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,880
Right, OK! I like it that way.
They can't prove otherwise.

320
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,240
Fuck them. Exactly.

321
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,760
That's the dinner-party spirit.
Fuck them all!

322
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:09,920
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Listen, Mark.

323
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,760
The pasta will be fine.
It'll all be fine.

324
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,200
Do you think? Absolutely.

325
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,920
HE SIGHS
Although I would recommend

326
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,400
getting rid of the love
message on your eyes.

327
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,960
Oh, my God. I forgot!

328
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,560
Oh, my God! 'Urgh, lid scour.'

329
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,600
Is it coming off? Is it coming
off? Not exactly.

330
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,040
Jeremy, did you use permanent marker?

331
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,560
I might have used permanent marker.

332
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,680
I'm going to have to bleach my eyes.

333
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,440
Good idea. Although...

334
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,080
eyes, bleach -
is that a bad one?

335
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,720
I'm going to have to keep my eyes
open all night. Is that possible?

336
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,640
I can do this.
I can do this all night.

337
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,000
DOORBELL RINGS
'Oh, I can't do this.'

338
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,280
'Don't blink, don't blink.'
Hi, Mark.

339
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,760
Hi, April.

340
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,280
This is Angus.

341
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,400
'Just got to keep my
eyes firmly open.

342
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,440
'That's the most important thing.'
I brought you some chocolates

343
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,640
instead of wine, cos everyone always
brings wine, don't they?

344
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:04,760
Oh... Lovely.

345
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,640
'That'll be one bottle of wine
between six, then. Perfect(!)'

346
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,320
So, you and April
were at Dartmouth together?

347
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,480
Yes. Briefly.

348
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,080
'Almost unbearable urge to blink.

349
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,040
'Ahh! Lovely, lovely blink.

350
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,160
'Enjoy it. Last one of the night.'

351
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,560
Shall we go through?

352
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,680
Help yourself to hummus.

353
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,720
It's freshly made and, if
I say so myself, quite delicious.

354
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,080
'Unlike the rest of the meal.'
Cocktail?

355
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,120
'Mm, rum, water, lettuce, vinegar and
the secret ingredient - salt.'

356
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,360
April said you were off to a
conference.

357
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,880
Yes. Date mix-up.

358
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,560
But I think April will
be able to join me.

359
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:41,920
I'm actually talking tomorrow

360
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,960
on transcultural memory
in the Ottoman Empire.

361
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,040
'Oh, look who's won
the lettuce lottery.'

362
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,840
Wow, this is, um...
It's Moroccan. I love it.

363
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:52,160
It... It's quite subtle.

364
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,800
'Blink impulse off the scale
and drink disgusting.'

365
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:58,840
Um... I might take it slow, leave
some for your other guests.

366
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,000
Good idea. I'll just go and see
where the other guests have got to.

367
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,520
KNOCK ON DOOR

368
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,280
OK, can you haul in the mannequins,
the normalisers?

369
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:12,320
Also, Megan, would you happen to have
a small make-up bag about your person?

370
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,640
'Oh, my God. Yeah, that'll work.'

371
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,120
Yeah? Yeah, mate.

372
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,360
Do I claim fancy dress
or go full English,

373
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,600
button down, hope they
don't mention? Look,

374
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,960
you probably need to know, Joe
thinks Megan's fucking around on him

375
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,960
and Megan thinks Joe's
fucking around on her.

376
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,040
Right. God. And...

377
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,840
I happen to know that
they're both right.

378
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,280
Because I've sort of ended up
sleeping with both of them.

379
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,480
You're humping them both? To be
honest, it's getting quite tiring.

380
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,560
Especially when I have to do
them both in one day.

381
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,040
Oh, that must be really hard.
I'm so sorry for you, Jez(!)

382
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,800
Uh, uh... Eh-heh-heh-heh.

383
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,160
Uh, uh, uh, eh-heh-heh-heh.

384
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,440
Yeah.

385
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,400
On the plus side, she's fucking around
on him and he's fucking around on her.

386
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,520
So, if they find out
about each other

387
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,920
then I don't see that they
can make much of a fuss.

388
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,469
Well, you can't fuck
them both, I'm afraid.

389
00:16:01,549 --> 00:16:02,680
That's not how civilisation works.

390
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,720
'Civilisation, schmivilisation.'

391
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,040
Did Maggie mention
that she's actually an artist?

392
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,040
It's Megan. Oh, of course!

393
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,120
Maggie's just a nickname.

394
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,520
That she hates. Are you
wearing eyeshadow, Mark?

395
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,040
Er, yes.
That's s-something I'm doing.

396
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:25,080
I-I understood it was the fashion,
but, uh, I may have been misinformed.

397
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:26,960
'Serve up, move on.'

398
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,200
So, you two are writing a book
together?

399
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,736
I do the bulk of the writing,

400
00:16:30,816 --> 00:16:33,240
but Angus's ideas are
what the book's built on.

401
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,167
April's doing herself a disservice.

402
00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:37,080
She's the real historian
of the two of us.

403
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,520
I think of myself more as a...

404
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:40,840
as a theologian, really.

405
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,080
The Holy Roman Empire is a guilty
pleasure... 'He's very decent.

406
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,160
'Very wholesome.

407
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,400
'How can I steal his wife?'
These aren't fashionable subjects.

408
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,440
All above our heads.

409
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,320
Especially yours, eh, Jez?

410
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,080
LAUGHTER
'Ah, yeah, that's right.

411
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,000
'Always rely on Jez for a
chuckle. I'll show them.'

412
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,840
Can I ask you a question, Angus,
of a theological nature?

413
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,560
I'll see what I can do.
Did Jesus have...

414
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,240
a cat?

415
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,600
I wouldn't have thought personal
pets in the sense that we...

416
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,720
If you don't know, just say.
Well...

417
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,800
I do find it interesting
that all you pointy-heads,

418
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,440
living inside your Westminster
bubble... I'm not a politician.

419
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,320
People like you in
your ivory towers,

420
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:25,360
who are like, who gives a fuck
about the real issues...?

421
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,480
The issue of whether Jesus had a
cat?

422
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,800
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Do dig in.

423
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,680
What is it?
Um... It's Moroccan.

424
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:36,120
Like my eyeshadow.

425
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,040
Tastes like baked beans on
spaghetti with lettuce.

426
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,800
I'd hate to call you a racist
at my dinner party,

427
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,600
but I think it's a little more
sophisticated than that.

428
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,000
It's from the Atlas Mountains.

429
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,880
'This is a disaster. Joe thinks I'm
an idiot. I'm not an idiot.

430
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,000
'I'm Paxman.'

431
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,120
To be honest, er, I've never
really got it about Jesus.

432
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:59,160
I mean, apart from all the Christian
stuff, what did Jesus actually do?

433
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,760
What did Jesus do...
apart from Christianity?

434
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,040
Yeah, put that aside.
The moral universe we all live in?

435
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:07,320
I'm not knocking the guy.

436
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:11,040
I'm just saying, you know, apart from
that, what did he actually achieve?

437
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,800
You know, I'm not saying I like him,
but at least Hitler did some paintings.

438
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,720
If you're comparing Hitler and
Jesus, I'm afraid I'm out.

439
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,120
'Ooh, hello!

440
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,280
'Naughty, naughty Megan.

441
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,440
'Am I betraying Joe or Megan more?

442
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,760
'I like him loads,
but I'm her life coach.

443
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,360
'What the fuck?

444
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,000
'Joe? No, don't cross the streams.

445
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,720
'Shit!' What the hell?

446
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,440
I, um... That was
actually Mark's foot.

447
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,920
He does that sometimes for laughs.

448
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,000
What?

449
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,480
Put your foot in my groin
under the table.

450
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,720
No, I don't.
Mark's got his shoes on.

451
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,440
He's quick.
He slips them on and off.

452
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,400
It's part of our flirty,
dirty game.

453
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,280
I have no idea what he's
talking about.

454
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,400
'There goes a valuable glassful.'

455
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,280
- What's going on?
- What's going on?!

456
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,080
My boyfriend is fucking my
life coach. No, Megan.

457
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,040
Can we talk about this, please?
'Oh, brilliant.

458
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,160
'Freak-show sideshow at the
shit-show.'

459
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,480
What the fuck were you doing?

460
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,600
What was I doing? What the fuck
were you doing?

461
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,480
I might leave them to it.

462
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,840
'Ohh, the Corrigan stare.

463
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,440
'The full Paddington.'

464
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,080
I need a cigarette.
Has anyone got a cigarette?

465
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,320
I thought you'd given up.

466
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,880
I thought things,
you thought things.

467
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,120
Turns out, people can surprise you.

468
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,240
'Hello!'

469
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,200
Go on. Fine. Choke yourself.

470
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,960
At least I tell you
when I'm breaking a promise.

471
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,200
'Stop actually rubbing my hands.'

472
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,040
Sorry, it's just a...
bit of a flashback to Corfu.

473
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,160
Corfu? Er, it's nothing.

474
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,280
Not nothing.

475
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:35,200
When we were in Corfu last summer,
we had a little relationship trouble.

476
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,360
I'm sure all's well now.
I-I don't want to pry.

477
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,680
'Wheedle, wheedle, pry and needle.'

478
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,040
We've had counselling, we've dealt
with the issues, we've moved on.

479
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,160
But the wounds are still there.

480
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,800
That can happen with wounds.
It can be good to give them a good...

481
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,720
inspection now and again.

482
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,760
As a penance, I went to live with the
monks on Mount Athos for three months.

483
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,480
Ten weeks.

484
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,360
Ten weeks, whatever.

485
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,640
Apparently, he lived on nothing but
dry bread and goat's milk.

486
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,000
But when I picked him up, there were
a lot of Nutella jars in his recycling.

487
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,360
I know, and I'm sorry.

488
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,760
I can be weak.

489
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,760
Weak how exactly, Angus?

490
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,800
You don't have to achieve sainthood.

491
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,080
Just, ooh, try not to fuck
anyone else.

492
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,640
'This is amazing.

493
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,480
'So uncomfortable.

494
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,680
'This could be my night
of greatest triumph.

495
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:26,720
'If we weren't all about to die
from eating these poisonous eggs.'

496
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,440
For the cheese course,
I have a soft cheese...

497
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,680
'Dairylea moulded together
with my bare hands.'

498
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,720
..plus a tasty young Stilton.
Ingenious. But totally mental.

499
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,880
'Out of bread and crackers.

500
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,840
'Just need to state it with
conviction.'

501
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:47,880
It's time for cheese and lettuce.
'Most natural combination in the world.'

502
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,640
So, we've got good news. We're going
to make a go of it.

503
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,280
We're looking at the possibility
of moving forward as a three.

504
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,000
Becoming a...triangle.

505
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,040
A very respectful, very boundaried,
rather horny triangle.

506
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,600
With guidelines.

507
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,080
Three-ism.

508
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,360
Th... Three-ism?

509
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,040
Well, I think it's great you're
trying to approach the situation

510
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:09,440
in the most adult way possible.

511
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,520
My God. Is that what you want?

512
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:15,560
To give it a go with her and
me in some kind of triangle?

513
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,520
'Oh, Angus. You just can't seem to say
the right thing, you lovely arsehole.'

514
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,320
HE SIGHS
I'm sorry this all happened here.

515
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,040
'Just very sensitively shut her in.'

516
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,480
I am upset.
It's obviously still a bit raw.

517
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,200
But I do still love him.

518
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,680
Of course. Of course you do.

519
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,640
Can you tell him I need to talk to
him? 'Maybe I will, April.

520
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,760
'Although you might have picked
a slightly corrupt postman.'

521
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,425
OK, I mean, this is very exciting,

522
00:21:43,505 --> 00:21:45,800
but I might need to make
a move home, so, Joe...

523
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,720
Oh, I thought Joe
was staying here tonight,

524
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,920
um...according to the guidelines.

525
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,720
No, it's Saturday,
so it's a Joe and Megan night.

526
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,560
Right, but you spent
last night together.

527
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:01,280
Um... "On no two consecutive nights
shall..." Et cetera, et cetera.

528
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,280
Yeah, but you two already fucked today.
It's my turn for a go on Joe.

529
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,800
Oh, OK.

530
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,560
Well, then, yeah, I mean,
I guess it's up to Joe.

531
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,080
Is it? Is there a rule for...?

532
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:15,480
Oh, this is fucking bullshit!

533
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,320
ANGUS CLEARS HIS THROAT

534
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,280
What did she say? Look,

535
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,560
don't shoot the messenger,
but April said she...

536
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,000
doesn't want to speak to you.

537
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:28,040
She loves you, but she's
not sure she likes you.

538
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,400
Right. 'Naughty postman.

539
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,280
'Drink down my lies, Angus.

540
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,920
'They taste good, don't they?'

541
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,040
Is this Ribena?

542
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,520
Yes, it's Ribena. I'm an alcoholic.

543
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,720
I'm a complicated guy
with a complicated past.

544
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,840
Like you and April.

545
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,440
Why did you have to sleep
with her? I'm right here!

546
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,564
Oh, everything was all right
when you were humping two people,

547
00:22:48,644 --> 00:22:51,120
but when I started,
that's not allowed?

548
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:52,920
No, no, you knew we were humping
when we humped.

549
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,040
You kept Megan a secret because
you like her more than me.

550
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,440
Admit it.

551
00:22:56,480 --> 00:23:00,480
No! I won't fucking admit it,
because it's not true.

552
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:04,600
Angus loves you, but...he doesn't
know if he respects you.

553
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,320
April... I was just explaining.

554
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,360
I-I think I got it right, that...

555
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,080
I need some space to think.

556
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,600
Uh-huh. That's wise.

557
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,800
I understand. I'll go.

558
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,800
'That's right, off you fuck.'

559
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,600
April, if you like,
there's a B&B nearby,

560
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,040
or I can take the sofa and you can...

561
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,520
That's kind, Mark, but I want
to go home.

562
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,840
Gus, do you mind staying here?
Of course.

563
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,640
Let's talk anon.

564
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,600
Bye, Mark.

565
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,120
And thank you.

566
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:40,160
Great. She's gone and I'm left with
the Jesus lunk who, because of manners,

567
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:44,240
I can't simply push out the window.
For God's sake, this is pathetic.

568
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,920
I never asked you to fight over me.
Get off!

569
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,960
Yeah, the fighting phase
seems to be ending, actually.

570
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,360
Oh, for fuck's sake!

571
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:59,400
Thank you, Mark, for letting
me stay. You're a good man.

572
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,840
I feel like I want to talk.

573
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,160
You know, really talk, about...

574
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,280
sin and man and God and love

575
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,080
and the mystery of the Trinity.

576
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,040
Right.

577
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,200
Yes? 'Yep, let's sit
here, me and my make-up,

578
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:18,240
'and drink vinegar and lettuce and
rum and eat moulded Dairylea

579
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,600
'and scribbled Cheddar and talk
it all through for ever,

580
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,960
'while those two gently hump
in the corner.'