1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,080
# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

2
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# And I'm so hot

3
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♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

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The programme contains strong
language throughout and adult humour.

5
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Education, education, education.
Ian coming over?

6
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Oh, yeah. Got some new Mandarin
flash cards. Take it up a level.

7
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I see you're sticking with
"the programme".

8
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,000
Poor little bastard
doesn't even get a Jaffa Cake.

9
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I'm turning Ian into a super-toddler,

10
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the chocolate reward in sight
but always just out of reach.

11
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He is going to learn to defer
his gratification so damn hard.

12
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When are you finally going to get
your gratification, Mark?

13
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I don't know. Sort of all at once when
I finally dive into my pension pot.

14
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Ejaculate into a pile of M&S cashmere
jumpers and cruise brochures.

15
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Oi, Jez?
DOORBELL RINGS

16
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I'd never masturbate into cashmere.
A nightmare to wash!

17
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Oh, hi, Sophie. Where's...?
I'm sorry, but don't start.

18
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Ian's with my mum.
Is it OK if we do it tomorrow?

19
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Meet us at the Kid Kave.

20
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But I've been preparing
all sorts of great IQ games.

21
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I've stuffed a pinata.

22
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It's filled with nature facts

23
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with the odd carob-covered raisin
to keep his morale up.

24
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Look, I'm sorry, Mark, I need to talk
to you. Have you got any beers in?

25
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This isn't America, Sophie.

26
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I don't keep random beers in.
I might have some rum,

27
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but you probably... Fine, rum.

28
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'She's a bit rum keen.'

29
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So, er...

30
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what's happened?
What happened with Ian?

31
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Oh, it's fucking Duncan. Obviously,
you're going to feel jealous.

32
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He's around the whole time.
I know how you feel about Duncan.

33
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'I love Duncan!

34
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'Sexless, unthreatening Duncan,

35
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'teaching him maths

36
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'and tag-teaming the Mandarin
flash cards.'

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Duncan's a great guy,

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but he's a shit. Oh.

39
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OK, because since Duncan's
been around... Ugh!

40
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..Ian's scores have been
through the roof.

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"Scores"? Have you been
testing our son? No!

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I mean, yes.

43
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Just a bit of basic intelligence
testing.

44
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I do it to me and Jez, too,
just to keep track.

45
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Yeah, well, Duncan,
you know how he tutors?

46
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Of course!

47
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When I saw how Ian
could hold a pen, I nearly shat.

48
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Well, I think he's getting a bit
fucking cosy with one of the mums.

49
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Alison. You remember Alison?

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"Oh, look at my floaty dress,
Sophie. Is it too much for the pub?"

51
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Oh. Right.

52
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What do I do? I'm pretty sure
he's having an affair.

53
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Well, I-I think you
shouldn't be too hasty.

54
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Maybe everything will run its course
with Duncan and Alison.

55
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You think I should wait
until he's bored of humping her?

56
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I just think Duncan
sounds like a real catch,

57
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and...people are...

58
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multifaceted.

59
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'Just let him get Ian started on
the viola and Ancient Greek.'

60
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Remember Grandma's Boner,
mid-noughties,

61
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when we teamed up with Perpetual
Spinach, did a bit of turbo folk?

62
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All the Whores of Malta.

63
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Exactly. Well, Whores of Malta's
been picked up.

64
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It's on a skills video
for a Hertha Berlin defender.

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MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, wow!

66
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Yeah. Plus, I've got a cheque here
for you for 250 quid.

67
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Oh, my God!

68
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Mark!

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I've done a thing!

70
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Do you think when I do a search
this will come up?

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Cos when Joe searched, nothing
really came up apart from some

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shit I wrote in a forum about how

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Moby was overrated
and should be killed

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and his DNA expunged from humanity.

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Hm... And, you know,

76
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cold light of day,
it looks a bit much.

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Yeah, no, no, no, this should
come up now on the internet.

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"Lyrics by Super Hans."

79
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Yeah, you did the lyrics solo,
did you?

80
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Er, yeah.

81
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'Definitely, definitely didn't.'

82
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Yeah... Pretty sure I...helped.

83
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No, don't think so.

84
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Anyway, it's cool, yeah?

85
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Oh, yeah, it's cool.

86
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But I just think, would it be cool

87
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to change the credit to a shared
credit, though, do you think?

88
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Sure. Sure, I'll speak to the guy.
It'll be cool.

89
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Although there's a small chance
it might not be possible.

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Cool. Understood.
But you'll have a word.

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Absolutely.

92
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But the headlines are,
we did a track, everybody loves it.

93
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The rest is just bean counting
for the bread-heads, yeah?

94
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Yeah, truth to power, my friend.

95
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'I need to get away
and count my beans.

96
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'I think he's trying to take
some of my bloody beans!'

97
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Do... Do you want some bread
to go with that, as ballast?

98
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You're my ballast, Mark.

99
00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,080
Well, thank you...

100
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You weigh me down.

101
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You stop me from flying off.

102
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You're my ballast, Mark!

103
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Happy to be of service.

104
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'Stop calling me your ballast!'

105
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Hey!

106
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This may sound like a crazy idea,

107
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but why don't you move into
Nana's cottage with us, Mark?

108
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I'm-I'm sorry, how do you mean?

109
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With me and Ian.

110
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Fuck Duncan! He can drive around

111
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in Alison's Mazda like
a little pimp.

112
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You move in with us,
to Nana's cottage.

113
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We could be a fucked-up family!

114
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You're my ballast, Mark!

115
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'Let's see how she likes it.'

116
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You're my ballast, too, Sophie.

117
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'I think I'll be saying no to
a lifetime of

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'passive-aggressive
mutual ballast-calling.'

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DOORBELL RINGS

120
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April!

121
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I'm really sorry for turning up
like this, but I've been walking

122
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round the block,
and I just wanted to talk.

123
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'Talk? Yeah? Very quietly
at the door?'

124
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OK...

125
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'Do come in and meet
my ex-wife, the drunk...'

126
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,280
Um, sorry, just... I just want to
put everything on the table.

127
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'Get this shit off the table!'

128
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:56,960
I know we've had a nice time
together,

129
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there's obviously
this mutual attraction...

130
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'Are we having sex on the table?'

131
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But the kiss, that was wrong.

132
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'Not wrong, right!'

133
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We crossed a line, and I don't think
we should see each other any more.

134
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Look, can we talk tomorrow?

135
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,920
I'm taking my son to a play centre,
the Kid Kave.

136
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You could bring your niece.
It might be fun.

137
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I'm sorry, Mark, I...

138
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Goodbye might be simpler.

139
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'Oh, knife in the guts!'

140
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Goodbye, April.

141
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Let the dream crumble.
TOILET FLUSHES

142
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'Lovely, crumbly dream
that I can't even eat with custard.'

143
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Who was that?

144
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Someone from the past.

145
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Ah, you love people from the past,

146
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don't you, Mark? Like Napoleon.

147
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Yes...

148
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But it wasn't Napoleon.
Ah, that's a shame.

149
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'Butter the toast.

150
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:46,600
'Eat the toast.

151
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:47,840
'Shit the toast.

152
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'God, life's relentless.

153
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'The April door closes,
the Sophie door opens.

154
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'The loveless marriage.

155
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'Cut off the cock and stick it
in a jar.

156
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'Might be a relief.'
I slept on it,

157
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but actually, I couldn't sleep

158
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because I became filled
with this boiling feeling of rage

159
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,600
and now I've actually decided

160
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,360
it's the worst thing
that ever happened. Jez...

161
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Joe's beginning to realise
that I'm a loser.

162
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It's very important that he doesn't
realise that I'm a loser.

163
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Because I'm not a loser.

164
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And would an aggressive campaign
to claim shared credit

165
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for the lyrics on a little bit of
song on an internet football video

166
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,800
make you look like a winner,
would you say? Yes!

167
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,480
I-I really think you need
to let this go.

168
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Take the advice of a man
who's been scientifically proven

169
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,880
to have above-average intelligence.

170
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,480
Oh, not the IQ test.

171
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:33,880
I wasn't concentrating.

172
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133 IQ.

173
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'So what if I had a bit of help?

174
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,720
'It's only the dunderheads
with their low IQs

175
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,920
'who don't figure out the way to win

176
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,760
'is looking stuff up
on the internet.'

177
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,480
I don't need to take a stupid
IQ test to know that

178
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,680
I'm three times as intelligent
as you. Oh, really?

179
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And what's three times 133?

180
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,640
'Three 100s and 30 and 30 and 30.

181
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,280
'But then all the threes...

182
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,480
'Is it a trick question?'

183
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,320
Mark, no-one does maths these days.

184
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,160
We've all got calculators
in our pockets,

185
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,360
just like all our maths teachers
said we wouldn't.

186
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,520
Anyway, this proves nothing.

187
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,280
Probably most people
are below average.

188
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PHONE CHIMES

189
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,640
Oh, fuck!

190
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,280
Hans says it can't be changed.

191
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,320
Apparently, the net
has run out of web space

192
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,280
and they don't have enough bytes
left to add my name.

193
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,280
Do you think he might be
taking advantage of you

194
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,160
because you're mentally subnormal
and have a brain the size of a pea?

195
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,040
This track is my Citizen Kane.

196
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,120
The lyrics you want to
claim credit for,

197
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,080
that's the electronic voice saying,

198
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,240
"ATOL protected, ATOL protected"?

199
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,640
Yes! Those are my words.

200
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:33,760
'Inspired...'

201
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:34,920
I remember because I was reading

202
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,000
the small print on a plane ticket
when I came up with them.

203
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,840
Copied them.
Discovered them.

204
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,240
Hang on!

205
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:41,560
It was your plane ticket.

206
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,440
You went into a rant
about the Civil Aviation Authority

207
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,960
and how ATOL protection
wasn't something to make light of.

208
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,600
That sounds very believable. Yes!

209
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,520
You've cracked the case.

210
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,760
You're not thinking of
getting back with Sophie?

211
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,000
A bit of a depressing backward step?

212
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,400
Yeah, well, April's kaput.

213
00:07:58,440 --> 00:07:59,560
Maybe that's just life,

214
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,200
your expectations
get ground down and down

215
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,720
until finally you settle for a life

216
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,600
that would have mortified you
20 years ago

217
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,600
but now seems like a blessed relief.

218
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,160
It's the journey of life, like

219
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,840
Radio 1, Radio 2, Classic FM,

220
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,680
Heart, Magic, dead.

221
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,040
Mm. Yeah.

222
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,680
OK. Are you ready?

223
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,840
"My recollection, so far as it goes,
is that Jeremy did indeed

224
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,320
"make a significant contribution
to the lyrics in question,

225
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,640
"ie the words 'ATOL protected'."

226
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,560
Hi, Hans. I've brought you
a panettone.

227
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,680
Sweet. What is it?

228
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:31,840
I don't know. You see them around.

229
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,080
Sort of like
dry, old Italian cake.

230
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,520
Right. Wicked.
Yeah, and also,

231
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,000
Mark had something to say.
Erm...

232
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,200
my recollection, so far as it goes,

233
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,680
is that Jeremy...
Look, Jez, you were there. Fine.

234
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,720
You were part of a creative milieu.

235
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,320
You contributed to engendering
a vibe,

236
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,680
out of which emerged my lyric.

237
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:52,760
I wrote it.

238
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,120
I know I wrote those lyrics,
cos I keep 'em

239
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,120
in my lyrics file.
You can't remember jack shit,

240
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,520
because you're a crackhead

241
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:00,280
with a brain made of Swiss cheese.
No, mate.

242
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,400
I'm straight-edge now.
I walk the line.

243
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,720
Molly won't even let me
live-stream the Spurs.

244
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,240
We're going to come for you
in the night.

245
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,400
He might, but I definitely won't.

246
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,960
Look, calm down, will ya?

247
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,000
Sit in the bath and have a Magnum.

248
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,520
Wanker!

249
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,800
'Yeah, fuck off, Hans.

250
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:16,920
'You're the fifth Beatle.

251
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,600
'I'm the other four.'

252
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,360
Come on, Jez, let's go.

253
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,760
I've got to get to the Kid Kave.

254
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,400
Hans's file! The proof!

255
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,080
It's in there. And because I've got

256
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,200
a genius IQ...

257
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,680
'Below-average IQ.'

258
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,120
..I've cracked the code of
the spare key.

259
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,280
It's like cracking Enigma, isn't it,

260
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:34,960
looking under
all the different flowerpots?

261
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,320
Oh, Christ, Jez, not burgling!

262
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,080
OK, I'm here to borrow a brolly.

263
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,760
If anyone comes, I'm saying
I popped in to borrow a brolly.

264
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,360
Here we go.

265
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,480
Apple grievances, Lemmy...lyrics.

266
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,240
Nothing?! Nothing at all?!

267
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,960
Right, fuck him.

268
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,600
Revenge. Revenge is
the sexy man's justice.

269
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,920
HE CHUCKLES

270
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,000
Ohh...
Ooh!

271
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,720
Someone who is expecting cornflakes

272
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,800
is going to get a big fucking
multi-hit of Shreddies.

273
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,800
Boom!
That is inconvenient!

274
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,520
OK, I'm going to lick these apples

275
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,560
and put his bank card
in the freezer.

276
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,400
You start swapping the CDs
into the wrong cases.

277
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,640
OK, I'm going.

278
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,680
Wait!

279
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,840
Watch this.
'Oh, Jesus. I'm a backup burglar.

280
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,800
'I'm a burglar's PA.'

281
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,400
No, Jeremy, really?

282
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,480
Goldfish in the Shreddies?

283
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,680
Is that your budget version
of a horse's head in the bed?

284
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,480
It's the free gift that's going to
send him clinically insane.

285
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,920
Well, for God's sake
leave the snake alone.

286
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,080
Here, fishy.

287
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,000
'And the IQ testing is complete.'

288
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:38,740
If I could go back in time,

289
00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,500
maybe I wouldn't have split up
with Sophie in the first place.

290
00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:44,559
Where would you go, though, if you
could actually go back, in time?

291
00:10:44,639 --> 00:10:48,660
So many choices. Periclean Athens,
Egypt under Rameses I,

292
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,740
the Ziggurat of Ur... God!

293
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,660
I think I'd probably go back to
the '50s.

294
00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:55,180
The 1950s? Jeremy, I'm talking about

295
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,220
seeing a civilisation
that's unimaginably different.

296
00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:00,100
So am I. Thick, thick shakes,

297
00:11:00,140 --> 00:11:03,940
real fat burgers,
big Chevvies, cheerleaders.

298
00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:05,700
But Socrates? If you went for 14AD,

299
00:11:05,740 --> 00:11:08,340
you could nab Augustus and Jesus.

300
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:09,460
Nyah.

301
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:10,700
"Nyah"?

302
00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:11,980
If not the '50s, then the '60s.

303
00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:14,220
See the Rolling Stones and have
a Coke. Jeremy,

304
00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,260
you can literally still do
exactly that.

305
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,660
I'm talking about seeing them in their
prime, drinking Coke out of a bottle.

306
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,660
'Enjoy Cokeless Rome, dickhead!'

307
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:22,700
Jesus.

308
00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:25,980
This is where we bring them now,
the poor fuckers?

309
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:28,100
I mean, God, net them up,

310
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:29,140
bag 'em and tag 'em.

311
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:32,300
Oh, it looks fun! You can have
a cappuccino while they play.

312
00:11:32,340 --> 00:11:33,940
All I can think about is death.

313
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:35,442
Better than the fucking park, mate.

314
00:11:35,522 --> 00:11:37,820
You really want to kill yourself
at the park, all right?

315
00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:41,180
So, Sophie - are you going to pull
on the iron underpants,

316
00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:44,700
tie your knob to the Bosch and just run
yourself over with the Morphy Richards?

317
00:11:44,740 --> 00:11:46,100
It's a real three-piper.

318
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:49,180
If I say yes, I'll regret it,
that's certain.

319
00:11:49,220 --> 00:11:50,900
Claustrophobic, depressing,

320
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:52,820
mouldering resentment.
Corrigan classic.

321
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,980
But if I say no,
I'll also definitely regret it,

322
00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:59,140
overwhelming feelings
of regret, guilt and sadness.

323
00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:00,860
The old familiar.
Mark?

324
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:02,020
Wow, my son.

325
00:12:02,060 --> 00:12:03,340
Hi, Ian!

326
00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:04,780
Ian-Ian-Ian-Ian!

327
00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:06,820
How are you doing, little fella?

328
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,100
'Flicker of recognition?
Basically uninterested.'

329
00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,700
Hey there, little guy! High-five!
'Ugh, the high-five.

330
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:15,740
'Like the grey squirrel, it will drive
the handshake to extinction eventually.'

331
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,700
Come on, little fella, let Uncle
Jeremy put you in the rage cage.

332
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:19,820
SOPHIE LAUGHS

333
00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:22,780
So, what are you thinking, cowboy?
The big offer? Happy families?

334
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,820
Ian. It's all about Ian.

335
00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:26,780
You know what? Let's do it.

336
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:29,100
Wow, just like that?
Screw it, let's give it a go.

337
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:30,940
I think it could work, maybe,
in some weird way?

338
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,940
I think maybe it might.
Do you think we'll be unhappy?

339
00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:35,860
Very.
Put it there, partner.

340
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:39,420
'What this phlegm has put together,
let no man break asunder.'

341
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:41,020
Erm, look, Mark, I've got to go.

342
00:12:41,060 --> 00:12:43,420
Duncan wants to have a drink,
the total shit.

343
00:12:43,460 --> 00:12:46,860
And I need to phone Dad, tell him
about you. He's going to piss blood!

344
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,660
Ha... Er, OK...

345
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,940
Want to cry and be sick at the
same time, do you? No! I-I'm excited.

346
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,260
It's... It's exciting.

347
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,100
'The first of the million lies

348
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:58,060
'that are going to make up
our terrible relationship.'

349
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,180
See you later!

350
00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:01,100
Ian's in the fun pit working
the plastics.

351
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:02,500
What have I done? What have I done?

352
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:04,620
He's being detained
at capitalism's pleasure.

353
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,220
I said yes. OK...

354
00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:11,260
You, my friend, are a stone-cold
maniac.

355
00:13:11,980 --> 00:13:15,660
Leftovers? I'm broke. Can't you
just bank the YouTube money?

356
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,900
It could weaken my claim.
The claim must not be weakened.

357
00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:20,460
What the fuck is that?

358
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,580
W-What's in there?

359
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:23,860
In where? I don't know
what you're talking about.

360
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,780
Your bag just moved! What have you...

361
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:28,380
OK, I needed a little...margin,

362
00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:31,140
collateral, to stop Super Hans
in his tracks.

363
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,260
His...

364
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,300
snake.

365
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:36,420
You brought a snake
to a children's play centre?

366
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,740
Oh, Mark, don't make this into
a thing.

367
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:39,820
Is it venomous?

368
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,300
Probably not.
I picked it up with an oven glove,

369
00:13:42,340 --> 00:13:44,300
but it didn't look venomous.

370
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:46,020
It didn't "look" venomous?

371
00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:48,380
It looked perfectly chilled out
when I put it in the bag.

372
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:50,163
And what about now
that it's been confined

373
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,540
to the bag for a couple of hours?

374
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,220
It's fine. It's double-bagged.

375
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:55,540
I'm going to call Super Hans,
get him to come over here

376
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,500
and we'll settle this thing
once and for all.

377
00:13:57,540 --> 00:14:01,540
This children's play centre is
your designated snake handover arena?

378
00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:04,460
He can't come at me in the kid farm,
can he? It's perfect.

379
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:06,060
Hi, Mark.

380
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,620
Jeremy...

381
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:09,100
April! What are you doing here?

382
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,460
Sorry, I know I said...

383
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:12,020
But I've had more time to think.

384
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,020
You did invite me.
'She came!'

385
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:15,780
This is my niece, Hayley.

386
00:14:15,820 --> 00:14:16,860
Hi!

387
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,380
Er, hello, Hayley, erm...
Take a seat!

388
00:14:19,420 --> 00:14:23,220
I'll throw her in, if you like.
Into the wipe-clean penitentiary.

389
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:25,820
'She actually came!'

390
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:27,300
ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

391
00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:29,500
Hans, it's Jez.
Come and meet me at the Kid Kave.

392
00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:32,140
Just get to Thornton Heath
and follow the screaming.

393
00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:34,500
I wanted to have a big talk
with Angus last night.

394
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,500
He was OK, but he was writing to
the Pope.

395
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:39,260
He sometimes thinks he might be able
to heal the Great Schism.

396
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,780
'Cuckoo!'
Intellectually, he's scintillating,

397
00:14:41,820 --> 00:14:44,700
but he'd never take coke
and throw an iPad out the window.

398
00:14:44,740 --> 00:14:46,980
Yes, well, that's just how I roll.

399
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,220
'Finally, I'm the Ferrari,

400
00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:50,860
'he's the fucking Volvo.'
Mark?

401
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:54,900
Would you like to do
something rather naughty?

402
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,940
'Oh, April!'

403
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,500
This is quite naughty.

404
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:02,140
Naughty naughty!
Blimey!

405
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:05,140
'"Disabled toilet baby changing
shelf,"

406
00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:08,300
'the five sexiest words
in the English language.

407
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,380
'I hope my son's OK with Jeremy

408
00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:11,700
'and the snake.

409
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:13,260
'No, be in the moment!'

410
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,340
Erm, I don't want to break the spell,

411
00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:19,220
but should I make haste to purchase
some condoms, perchance?

412
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,540
Oh, it's fine, it'll be OK.

413
00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:23,660
'I wonder what kind of OK.
"No baby" OK,

414
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:26,340
'or, "OK, we're having a baby".

415
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:30,380
'Quite interested, but a bit rude
to ask.'

416
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,380
Well, that was fun.
That was fun!

417
00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:34,100
And does it mean...

418
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,620
I think it means something.

419
00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:36,900
'Lovely something!

420
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:38,500
'Oh, he's gone totally mental.'

421
00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:41,740
He's saving money to spend
on a never-ending court battle.

422
00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:43,020
Jarndyce versus Jarndyce?

423
00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:44,140
Exactly.

424
00:15:44,180 --> 00:15:46,180
'Ah, April, you are the one.'

425
00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:48,180
I was looking for you.
Hayley's throwing a wobbly.

426
00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:50,540
Oh, shit. I'll, erm, take her
outside for some fresh air.

427
00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:52,900
Hayley?
Where the hell were you?

428
00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:55,260
Well, I...
Come on, let's go outside.

429
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,140
We...

430
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:58,820
We just did it in the disabled loo!

431
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:01,060
Mark! You are on fire today!

432
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,900
Shall I alert all the other women
in here

433
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:06,260
in case you try and hump them
or move in with them?

434
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,900
So, what are you thinking with
Sophie?

435
00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:10,340
April. It's got to be April.
Exactly.

436
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:14,380
Me and Sophie and Ian,
it was a crazy scheme.

437
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:18,260
It would probably do him so much
harm, living between warring parents.

438
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:19,380
That's the line.

439
00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:22,540
Yeah, do what you want, mate,
shovel the kid into the kid pit.

440
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,500
Better call Sophie, see if she minds

441
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:27,340
picking up Ian later from the flat.
Where is Ian?

442
00:16:27,380 --> 00:16:28,460
Dunno.

443
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,220
I thought you were keeping an eye
on him!

444
00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:32,037
I'm not a professional
childminder, Mark.

445
00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:34,020
Anyway, I probably don't
have a high enough IQ.

446
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:36,180
The least you could do
was keep an eye on Ian while I...

447
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,260
Hump someone else's wife
in the disabled toilet?

448
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:40,540
I'm not a member of your entourage,
Mark.

449
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,020
Ian! Ian!

450
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:46,380
Ooh, Mark, mate,
something wonky this way comes.

451
00:16:46,420 --> 00:16:48,700
Good luck.

452
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,700
'Oh, fuck! She's not here. We never
talked. The deal never happened.'

453
00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:54,660
H-Have you been...?
Have you had a drink?

454
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,740
Why, am I not allowed to?
Mark's booze patrol?

455
00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:58,540
'She just loves wine.'

456
00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:00,260
I had a ding-dong with Duncan.

457
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,180
And he's off to Alison
with her little fuck-me Mazda.

458
00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:05,100
Oh...
But I don't have

459
00:17:05,140 --> 00:17:08,220
a fucking Mazda.
Sorry, I've got a fucking Micra.

460
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:09,580
I've made my decision.

461
00:17:09,620 --> 00:17:12,404
Dad might think it's mental.
Everyone might think it's mental.

462
00:17:12,484 --> 00:17:13,500
'It's definitely mental.'

463
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,700
Look, why don't I call you a cab
and you can go home

464
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:18,900
and then we can have a big chat
about everything later, yeah?

465
00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:20,740
Ah, cool your heels, let's have
a coffee.

466
00:17:20,780 --> 00:17:22,420
No, Soph, I need to find Ian!

467
00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:24,300
I should never have left him with
Jez.

468
00:17:24,340 --> 00:17:26,180
Ian? Ian!

469
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:27,700
Oh, for God's sake, relax.

470
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:31,140
It's not like he's on the M25.

471
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,420
Ian?

472
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:33,580
'Oh, this is murder

473
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,300
'on my back.'
You know what?

474
00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:37,780
Duncan's a prick. Fuck him.

475
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,620
CHILD LAUGHS

476
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:42,860
The naughty lady likes funny words,
cos she's feeling funny.

477
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:45,420
Have you seen a little boy?

478
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:46,740
Mark, you're freaking him out.

479
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:47,900
He's not answering.

480
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:49,780
Why aren't you answering?
What have you done with him?!

481
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:51,700
Ian!
I like you, Mark.

482
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,740
But I don't love you.

483
00:17:53,780 --> 00:17:55,580
I hate you.
Noted.

484
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:57,420
Oh, this is a disaster.

485
00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:59,180
What if he's hurt himself?
No!

486
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:00,460
You show me a sharp corner.

487
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:03,380
What if he's wandered out
through an emergency exit?

488
00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:04,580
No, they'll lock them all.

489
00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,740
They lock the emergency exits?!
What if there's a fire?!

490
00:18:06,780 --> 00:18:08,100
Oh, Christ!

491
00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:09,340
SHE GROANS

492
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:13,380
I'm going to have a little lie down,
Mark. I'm tired.

493
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:17,380
OK, you have a lie down
in the ball pit. I'll find Ian

494
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:20,260
and then we'll have a big chat
about everything.

495
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,340
'A big chat during which

496
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:23,460
'I will reverse out of our agreement

497
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,780
'as elegantly as a man backing
his car

498
00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:29,820
'into the entire peloton
of the Tour de France.'

499
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:32,700
So, look, I spoke to Molly. Y'know?

500
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:34,540
She thinks you're a dong.

501
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:35,980
Slippery, like a...

502
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:37,260
real sketchy fucker.

503
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,300
Well, I think she's a small-minded,
two-faced buzz-killing machine.

504
00:18:40,340 --> 00:18:41,740
But...

505
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,900
she said I needed to man up,
have the credit changed.

506
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:47,660
She's decent, though. She is.
I've always said that.

507
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,860
So I made the call.

508
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,780
MUSIC PLAYS

509
00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:54,140
Oh, wow!

510
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,340
Thanks, man, you put me on!

511
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:59,420
Amazing. They found
some more web space, then? Yeah.

512
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:02,540
Yeah, they must have, er,
deleted some old photos, an' that.

513
00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:06,220
And, erm, have you been back
to your flat since we spoke?

514
00:19:06,260 --> 00:19:07,540
Just out of interest.

515
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:08,740
No. Why?

516
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,180
I kind of broke in, looking

517
00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:11,940
for evidence, and...

518
00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:13,700
I sort of...

519
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:15,060
killed your fish.

520
00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:17,580
You killed Flop? Jesus Christ!

521
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:18,900
Yeah.

522
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,820
Flop was one of the good guys, man!
He was old-school.

523
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,300
I know. I'm sorry. I always liked
Flop.

524
00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:27,660
And there's one other thing I did
that I shouldn't have.

525
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,820
Not Flip as well?
No. No.

526
00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:32,340
I feel bad about this, but...

527
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,460
I took...

528
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,660
'Oh, fuck.'

529
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:38,340
What?
I took...

530
00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:39,380
this.

531
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:41,100
Er... It's fine.

532
00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:42,220
Well, no.

533
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:45,260
They cost money, and the bottom line
is... 'Where's the fucking snake?'

534
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,700
..it's your bag, and I stole it.

535
00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:48,780
And I feel...

536
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:49,940
'Where the fuck is he?'

537
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,460
..incredibly ashamed of that.

538
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:55,140
Oh. Er...

539
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:59,180
no worries, dude.

540
00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:01,620
'Oh, I've lost my child.

541
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:04,980
'I'm such a terrible, terrible human
in every single respect.'

542
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:06,540
Hans just caved. We won.

543
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,580
Oh, good.

544
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:10,260
Only downside is...the snake
escaped. What?!

545
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,940
I can't believe it would do that.
So...sneaky!

546
00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,420
Yeah. Who could believe

547
00:20:14,460 --> 00:20:16,500
a snake would be so duplicitous?

548
00:20:16,540 --> 00:20:18,660
They're so famously reliable, snakes.

549
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:21,540
The good news is, I googled it
and it's totally not venomous.

550
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:22,780
'So reassuring...'

551
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,460
What are you doing?
It's Ian.

552
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:25,740
I can't find him anywhere.

553
00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:27,900
So many bloody kids.

554
00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:31,340
I need to somehow get them all
cleared out, maybe shout "Fire" or...

555
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:33,940
I could tell the staff that
you were a famous paedo.

556
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:36,660
That would clear the place,
like Jaws at the beach.

557
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:37,940
"A famous paedo"?
What?

558
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:40,780
You're very free and easy about
labels.

559
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:42,780
You don't mind a bit of a bad-boy
rep.

560
00:20:42,820 --> 00:20:45,020
I'll need to talk to Sophie.

561
00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:47,700
I think she might be balls deep.

562
00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:51,220
SHE SNORES
Soph?

563
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:52,980
She's out cold.

564
00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:55,540
Oh, God, April! She can't see

565
00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:58,940
my sort of wife who I've sort of
agreed to get back together with

566
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,740
and is sort of a total fucking mess.

567
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:03,740
I mean, you could...
Bury the body?

568
00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:05,660
I was going to say wake her up
and get her a coffee.

569
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,500
But Shallow Ball Grave?

570
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:10,500
She's pretty much already buried.

571
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:11,860
Well, don't fuck about.

572
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:14,620
If you're going to bury her, bury
her.

573
00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:15,860
This is fine.

574
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,940
It's just a nice, multicoloured
siesta.

575
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,700
OK. Good.

576
00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:21,420
This is good. Bury Sophie,

577
00:21:21,460 --> 00:21:23,460
find Ian, leave with April.

578
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:26,100
Do you think she'll be able
to breathe in her grave?

579
00:21:26,140 --> 00:21:28,460
Of course! The air holes are
numerous.

580
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:31,020
OK. Just push her head down.

581
00:21:31,060 --> 00:21:33,420
It's poking up a bit.
Just need to weigh her down more.

582
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:34,780
There we go.

583
00:21:34,820 --> 00:21:38,180
She's gone. She's gone, Mark.
You're cool.

584
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:39,420
Hey, Mark, there's Ian.

585
00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:40,860
Great!

586
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,820
Although, do you think
he witnessed the burial?

587
00:21:43,860 --> 00:21:45,220
Er...

588
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,820
'He looks OK. That's right, son,
push it all down.

589
00:21:47,860 --> 00:21:50,340
'My pension can go on therapy.'

590
00:21:50,380 --> 00:21:51,380
Hey there, little buddy!

591
00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:52,980
Hey, Mark.
Hi!

592
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,620
Hayley was fine, but she was

593
00:21:54,660 --> 00:21:56,740
babbling something about a snake.

594
00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:59,100
Oh, God! Well, let's get
the hell out of here.

595
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:00,780
Back to mine for a wine?

596
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,380
Yeah, OK, why not?

597
00:22:02,420 --> 00:22:04,100
Mark, erm, I just want to say,

598
00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:06,540
I'm really pleased I came to see
you. Really pleased.

599
00:22:06,580 --> 00:22:09,020
Me, too, April. Me, too.

600
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:10,900
SOPHIE GROANS
Mark?

601
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:12,780
There's, erm... There's a...

602
00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:15,820
Wha'...?
Oh, God!

603
00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:17,260
That's fine...

604
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:18,420
I-I imagine.

605
00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:20,700
Probably some funny buried clown.

606
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,540
SOPHIE GROANS
'Oh! I should have used more balls.'

607
00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:25,380
What the...?

608
00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:27,460
Mark! Why did you bury me?

609
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:28,500
I didn't bury you.

610
00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:31,140
If you don't want to move in after
all, you don't have to bury me,

611
00:22:31,180 --> 00:22:33,420
just send a fucking text!

612
00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:35,580
Mark?
It's OK.

613
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:37,060
Probably been in there for months.

614
00:22:37,100 --> 00:22:40,820
Just some kind of
homeless ball-pit witch.

615
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:44,340
SOPHIE GROANS

616
00:22:44,380 --> 00:22:48,140
It doesn't feel quite right leaving
a snake in a child's soft-play area.

617
00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:51,660
'Burying your wife alive, it
just has such an unfortunate ring.'

618
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:53,140
Maybe we should leave a note.

619
00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:56,140
Saying...?
"Sorry... Snake"?

620
00:22:56,180 --> 00:23:00,180
Hmm...