1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,120
# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

2
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:08,560
# And I'm so hot

3
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,520
♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

4
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This programme contains strong
language throughout and adult humour.

5
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:18,960
Hmm.

6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,440
You don't have one that just says,
"You are 40 years old"?

7
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,320
Um...we have, "Life begins at 40,"
or, "40 today."

8
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,480
No. I want one that reads...

9
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,160
.."Jeremy, you are 40 years old."

10
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,360
Do you need "old"?

11
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:35,720
I think it rounds it off nicely.

12
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,720
'I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40
whether he likes it or not.'

13
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,760
Do you have a fax machine?
A fax machine?

14
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,040
I know. Wilfully perverse, but I'm
trying to get in touch with someone

15
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,520
who, for whatever reason,
won't return my calls.

16
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,600
I'm not some oddball, though.
It's not worrying.

17
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,640
'Good to let him know it's not
worrying. He can't worry now.'

18
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,480
'I'm kidding myself.
April's never gonna call me.'

19
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,760
Wow!
Three nights on the go, that is...

20
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That's major, huh?

21
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,600
Perfect.

22
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,120
'So tired, so very tired.

23
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,160
'Must...eat...toast.'

24
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,720
I'll see you, Mark.

25
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,520
'Of course she won't call me.

26
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,960
'I made the fatal error
of letting her get to know me.'

27
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,120
Are you OK? I'm fine.

28
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:22,160
I think I might shortly die,
but I'm fine. Three-day drug binge.

29
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,680
Ooh, your favourite!
Celebration for the birthday boy?

30
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,280
You're not planning a party
or anything, are you? No, mate.

31
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,920
Cos I definitely don't want a party.

32
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,880
Well, I'm definitely
not planning one, so relax.

33
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,800
'You're going to have a party
to remember, my elderly friend.'

34
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,560
Good, because I told Joe
I'll be 39 tomorrow.

35
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,480
Why? I don't know.

36
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,520
40 is basically 50, and 50 is dead,
whereas 39 is like 35.

37
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,600
35 is practically 30, 30 is 20.
You know?

38
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,840
Not entirely.

39
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,240
He's 30 next year.

40
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,280
For a few months, theoretically,
we can be in our 30s together.

41
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,640
I think I see. 29, 40, no.

42
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,000
29, 39, OK.

43
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,240
31, 42, no. 16, 26, better.

44
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,200
You're just saying numbers now,
Jeremy.

45
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,160
'Right, I'm going to have the most
horribly healthy fucking lunch

46
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,480
'and then do a sit-up
and maybe a press-up.'

47
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,600
Oh, a sprout sandwich!
Are you on a health kick?

48
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,800
I need the vitamins. Why?

49
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,960
I've gotta try and keep up with Joe.
He's so fucking full of life.

50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,760
Is this his? The Golden Fountain?

51
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,040
No, it's mine.
It's about the beneficial properties

52
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,320
of our body's most magnificent
product - the human vitamin drink.

53
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,960
Piss. Urine is packed with nutrients.

54
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,120
That your body was too foolish
to extract at first time of asking.

55
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,680
Why do the Uchamojo people
live to 100, Mark?

56
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,320
I don't know, Jeremy,
because you just made them up?

57
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,800
Because they take the original vaccine,
the watery battery, the mellow yellow.

58
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,840
Drinking your own piss - the golden
fountain. Come on, Jez, what's next?

59
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,160
The chocolate factory? No!

60
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,120
Not the chocolate factory.
That's horrible.

61
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,600
'He's got the book, but he'd
never actually...ugh! Oh, God!'

62
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,200
You're not keeping it in the fridge?
Best served chilled.

63
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,880
I need to head to work.
I thought you were off today.

64
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,840
Emergency meeting,
special project or something.

65
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,600
Johnson seemed very jazzed.

66
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:08,640
Oh, not with a sandwich!
Not as your drink!

67
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,640
HE SLURPS
Be quiet when you come back.

68
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,080
I'm gonna pull myself off
and sleep for 100 years.

69
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,680
Fine. Goodbye, Rip Van Wankle.
MARK CHUCKLES

70
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,960
'I'm wasted on him.

71
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:24,000
'I should be living with
Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker.'

72
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,880
Hey, Alan. What's up, captain?
What's the skinny on the dope?

73
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,640
Good morning, Mr Corrigan.

74
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,080
Mr...Corrigan?

75
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,000
'Do I smell corporate lube?

76
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,360
'Am I about to get
organisationally fucked?'

77
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,280
Is that Baker from regional?

78
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,240
What...what is this, Alan?

79
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,720
I'm sorry, Mark. You've just
stepped into the arena naked.

80
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,280
In a matter of seconds, wild beasts
are gonna fly to your delicate areas

81
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,000
and tear you to shreds. Is this
about the permanent markers?

82
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,160
Hmm? Cos I needed them at home
for projects.

83
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,440
Ah, sorry, mate.
You're getting shit-canned, Mark.

84
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,080
You're getting fucked by a flagpole
in your tiny little vagina.

85
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,440
Jeff?! Yeah, I had a riffle
through my old address book.

86
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,880
I'm in and you're out. What? But...

87
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,520
Can't you do anything? I'm sorry,
Mark. You're contaminated.

88
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,854
You're the astronaut with typhoid

89
00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:09,560
and I'm gonna stand well back while
you're fired out of the airlock.

90
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,160
'No, Alan.
Remember all the good times, Alan.'

91
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,200
So, Mr Corrigan, it has been brought
to our attention that you certified

92
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,280
a loan to a friend of yourself,

93
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,680
ticking the certification boxes
without adequate document checks.

94
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,920
This is gross negligence and
we're dismissing you forthwith.

95
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,960
I'm sorry, which loan was this?
Um, to a Mr Usborne, Jeremy.

96
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,920
It's come to light due to a complaint.
What complaint? Who complained?

97
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,920
Well, Mr Usborne
has been in contact to say

98
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,320
that he believes that the granting
of this loan to him

99
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,000
was, um, "out of proportion with
the just working of the universe".

100
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,680
He does not wish
to be responsible for another Greece

101
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,800
and he's claiming mental incapacity
due to the influence of the internet

102
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,800
reducing his attention span
against his own will.

103
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,720
But I can get the money back.
I know him.

104
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,520
I can get it back. I'll jam a Biro
in his eye and drag him in here today.

105
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,040
That may be your way of operating,
Mr Corrigan,

106
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,600
but it's certainly not ours.
'Shafted by a piss addict.'

107
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,240
I've cleared out your desk, mate.

108
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,120
Your wet wipes
and your Mega Puzzler.

109
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,840
'I'm hung out to dry,
I'm human laundry.

110
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,880
'Ugh, Jeff, Jerry and Johnson,
a trilogy of shits.'

111
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,600
Jeremy... Jeremy!

112
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,000
Mark! I'm trying to sleep.

113
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,760
I just wanted to let you know that I am
now going to punch you on the nose.

114
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,120
What? Ow! Fuck!

115
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:27,160
We don't hit. That's the rule!
Or are we hitting now?

116
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,560
'Cold brown, no job, no woman,
no jam, just cold brown.'

117
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,480
'OK, I redundered him,
he face-ploughed me,

118
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,040
'we're equals-pequals.'

119
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,960
Oh, not still with
the silent treatment.

120
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,920
For fuck's sake!
'I love the silent treatment.

121
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,520
'The cold, impervious wall.'

122
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,030
I didn't want you to get fired,

123
00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:48,480
I just wanted my extortionate
payments written off.

124
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,440
You were the one who sold me the
ball-crushing loan in the first place.

125
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,560
You started it. Hmm? Eh?

126
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,280
'He's not luring me back in like that
with a lovely, savage argument.'

127
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,320
Come on, let's have it out.
'Appealing, but no dice.'

128
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,360
'Oh, this is unbearable. I'm gonna
make him come out and fight like a man,

129
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,600
'push it to breaking point.'

130
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,840
Can I have some of your milk?

131
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,360
'He wouldn't.
Not my lovely, white milk.'

132
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:12,400
Hmm? I'll take that as a yes.

133
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,800
Do say when you want me to stop.

134
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,080
'He's milking me.'

135
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,800
No? I'll fill it right up, then.

136
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,520
'He's got his hands on my udders
and he's actually milking me.'

137
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,440
I'll just get rid of these.

138
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,480
Oops! Apologies.
I'll just tidy these away.

139
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,240
'I will prevail. He can't hurt me
with his Rice Krispie blitz.

140
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,080
'London can take it.'

141
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,227
'What am I going to do now, cover
him in milk and start licking him?'

142
00:06:41,307 --> 00:06:41,840
DOORBELL RINGS

143
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,240
'I'm not going to lick him.'

144
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,520
PHONE CHIMES
'April!

145
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,160
'God love the fax
and all the old ways.'

146
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,680
I need a bit of headspace. Molly.

147
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,320
She's a beast, mate.

148
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,640
Marmite in the marge. She's a slob.

149
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,120
My peppermint shower gel

150
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,840
just laying on its fucking side,
oozing. What's that all about?

151
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,600
I can't live like that.

152
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,560
'He's never smelt of peppermint.'

153
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,320
Are you all right?
Yeah, fine, knackered.

154
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,120
Three-day bender
and then Mark got fired cos of me

155
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,400
and I couldn't sleep
cos of the guilt.

156
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,120
Yeah.
And now he's not speaking to me.

157
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,160
She piles her dirty socks
in the basket

158
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,320
even though it's already overflowing
and I'm like,

159
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,600
"What, do you think it's gonna eat 'em
like the fucking Cookie Monster, love?"

160
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,120
'Shush, Hans,
I'm trying to think about myself.'

161
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,920
Hang on.

162
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,960
Mark, did you piss in my piss?
Cos this piss looks funny.

163
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,520
I don't mind drinking my piss
but your piss, that's over the line.

164
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,920
I understand.

165
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,440
Well, thanks for calling.

166
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,280
Goodbye, April.

167
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,520
TV IS ON
Are you all right, mate?

168
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,280
Super Hans, will you please
inform your friend, Specimen A,

169
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,120
that I'm not talking to him.
Oh, mate, not now.

170
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,040
It's Molly. I'm in fucking bits.

171
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:56,080
Well, likewise. April's gone back
to her husband for good.

172
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,920
It's over. Everything's over.

173
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,960
I'm sorry, Mark. I'm sorry your life
is ruined and it's partly my fault.

174
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,120
Is there a buzzing, an irritating,
backstabbing sort of buzzing?

175
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,920
Oh, God, don't be such a wanker!

176
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,160
He wanted his loan written off
and, well, he succeeded.

177
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,000
Yes! Sorry.

178
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,680
But he's lost a friend
in the process.

179
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,960
Molly's Enders, I'm Corrie,
Corrie till I die.

180
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,960
It's a sign, innit?
You've gotta choose.

181
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,000
You can't be City and United, can
you? Look, Hans, can you shut up?

182
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,120
Because, as we speak,

183
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,240
the love of my life is buying
cruise tickets with her husband

184
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,600
on the high street with the intention
of sailing away for ever

185
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,480
and I'd very much like to sit here

186
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,320
and watch a property-based
reality show while she does it.

187
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,880
Look, mate, I can't just let you sit
there feeling sorry for yourself.

188
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,440
Let's bloody well go and stop her.

189
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,120
If I wanted to stop her,
the last person I'd ask for help

190
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,600
is the most thoughtless, selfish,
venal idiot I've ever met in my life.

191
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,680
'He's talking to me! I win!'

192
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,960
Mark, I am going to help you
save the day with April.

193
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,520
I am going to be your love butler.

194
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,560
Come on, let's at least go and spy in
case there's something to be done, yeah?

195
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,960
'Hmm. I suppose it might be better
than having a cry and a Cornetto.'

196
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,080
I haven't forgiven you, by the way.

197
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,360
I know, you don't have to tell me
after every sentence.

198
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,960
I just wanted to be clear.
It is clear.

199
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,560
Good.
You just need to be ready, Mark,

200
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,120
ready to get April on her own
and tell her how you feel.

201
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:18,160
Yeah, love's hard, mate, fucking
hard, doesn't work, breaks.

202
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,640
But you've got to give it a go, huh?

203
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,440
Norwich are never gonna
win the league,

204
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,880
but they still turn up every week,
don't they, the pricks?

205
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,920
If you want, I could try and get in
there, waggle the old cock about a bit.

206
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,600
As in? I don't know,

207
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,400
maybe try and make Angus fall in
love with me, fuck him if need be.

208
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,480
Why does every solution you come up
with involve fucking someone?

209
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,080
It's just an idea. Do you think they
sit around in the Cabinet,

210
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,520
talking about sending Philip Hammond

211
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,760
over to fuck Hollande
to sort out the euro?

212
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,880
Oi, Godley & Creme,
they're on the move.

213
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,480
Ooh!
Body language doesn't look great.

214
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,360
It does look a little testy.

215
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,960
Yes... He's off.

216
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,254
Closing time in the
last chance saloon, Mark,

217
00:09:57,334 --> 00:09:59,000
time to grab your nuts and splurge.

218
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,240
Yeah? Yeah.

219
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,280
Oh, fuck! I'm gonna do something.
Be the canary.

220
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,880
Full fucking Delia.
I don't know what you mean.

221
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,960
You go, girl.

222
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,840
This still doesn't mean
I've forgiven you.

223
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,960
Ahh! He's so fucked.

224
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,360
April!

225
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,520
Mark? What are you doing here?

226
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,120
I-I just bumped into you.

227
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,280
Well, no, you just ran round
the corner after me.

228
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,800
No, right, I mean, I just...

229
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,480
Look, could we grab a coffee
for five minutes?

230
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,520
I've got a couple of things
I need to say.

231
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,640
'Got the coffee, disregard the price,
the price of the coffee is irrelevant.'

232
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,080
Thanks, Mark. No biggie. I mean, God
knows how they can charge so much.

233
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,240
They're certainly not spending it
on lampshades.

234
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,600
'Hello, Dad, you're living
inside me now, are you?'

235
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,120
Yeah, so the flight's at midnight.

236
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,160
To Athens. Um, the ferry leaves
tomorrow, all the islands except Corfu.

237
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,600
Oh, not Corfu, why not Corfu?

238
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,280
'He asked innocently.'

239
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,120
Cos that's where Angus
had his affair.

240
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,120
Oh, of course, sorry, I'd forgotten.

241
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,640
Sorry to drag all that up again,
all the resentment.

242
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,200
Sorry. Idiot! It's fine.

243
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,200
Anyway, what I wanted to say,
just before you go,

244
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,240
and if you want me to stop,
just say, but...

245
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,040
Yeah, I...

246
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,080
I basically think that you're just
so funny and clever and brilliant

247
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,240
and I really am sorry
if that makes things difficult,

248
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,523
but I think it's only fair

249
00:11:22,603 --> 00:11:25,280
that you should know that
I think we'd be great together.

250
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,760
I mean, I know I'm not perfect.

251
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,960
In fact,
I'm not even probably average.

252
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,680
I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball.

253
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,200
'Feel free to disagree, April.'

254
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,200
I'm mean-spirited and I only really like
hearing about other people's holidays

255
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:46,240
when they've been disastrous,
but I...

256
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,600
..I really, really like you.

257
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,640
In fact, in all honesty, I...

258
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,800
..I love you.

259
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,840
Look, it was really weird
the last time we saw each other -

260
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,440
you burying your wife
in a pit of balls.

261
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,480
Ex-wife, and more hiding
than burying, but point taken.

262
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,040
The truth is I...
I do have feelings...

263
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,280
'Feelings!'

264
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,080
..and it's not all been easy
with Angus.

265
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,040
Just had a mini row because he
didn't want to spend an extra £300

266
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,520
on a cabin with a porthole.

267
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,240
If you're gonna be on a boat for
three months, you want a porthole.

268
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,400
Course you do. Huh! Who wouldn't?
PHONE CHIMES

269
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,440
'300 quid pissed straight out
the porthole. Correct call, Angus.'

270
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,960
Wow!

271
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,080
OK, wow.

272
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,080
What? It's Angus,
he's been having a think,

273
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,320
and he's not sure
we should go on this cruise.

274
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,440
Oh. Oh, right.

275
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,480
'Furrow the brow, furrow the brow
to hide the smile.'

276
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,000
Apparently,
now he wants to go to Ibiza...

277
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,200
alone.

278
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,240
'Alone?'

279
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,120
"See you. Do what the fuck you want.
Goodbye."

280
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,160
'I've won.

281
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,200
'It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow
and the tsar's fucked off to Ibiza!

282
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:59,600
'I've conquered the whole of Russia.
I've only gone and won.'

283
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,280
Mark, how's it going,
you lovely rotter?

284
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,360
Everything's coming up roses.

285
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,480
April and I just had an overpriced
coffee and did it in the toilets.

286
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,560
Excellent.
April loves doing it in toilets.

287
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,600
In fact, 100% of the times we've done
it, we've done it in toilets.

288
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,640
I can't wait to do it in a bed.
It'll be amazing.

289
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,680
But the big news is that Angus texted
to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza,

290
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,490
of all places, leaving the coast

291
00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:24,960
clear for me to go off
with his wife on the cruise.

292
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,440
Me and April, April and me!

293
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:31,480
Man, that is so great. I am really
happy for you. You deserve that.

294
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,080
Look, I just wanted to say,

295
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,520
I-I know things have been
a bit difficult between us

296
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,680
over the last day or so, what with
the punching and the blanking,

297
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,800
but you're a good friend,

298
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,440
although I still haven't
totally forgiven you...mate.

299
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:47,080
I wouldn't have expected you
to...mate.

300
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,960
Ergh-ergh!

301
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,400
Urgh!
MAN GROANS

302
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,400
HANS: Shut the fuck up.

303
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,840
What was that?
I've done something brilliant, Mark.

304
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,960
MAN: Help!
HANS: Shut it.

305
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,560
What the fuck have you done?
I know it's my birthday, not yours,

306
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,160
but I got you a lovely present to say
sorry for making you lose your job

307
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,760
and never paying you any rent

308
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,600
and for falling in love with Dobby,
for everything.

309
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,080
Fuck!

310
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,680
Angus! Jesus, Angus, are you OK?

311
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,560
It's fine, I wanted to come.

312
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:18,600
Could I possibly get
a glass of water?

313
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,760
They said they were gonna chop my penis
off and put it into another orifice.

314
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,280
Oh, Angus, shush!

315
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,920
Bants, mad bants. They said they had
a sock with a rock in it.

316
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,320
They made me drink urine, Mark.
Human urine.

317
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,640
He greedily gulped
from a bedside bottle

318
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,720
that happened to be
from the golden source.

319
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,040
Let me go, Mark.
Will you let me go? Please!

320
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,120
Angus, you...you must know
I had nothing to do with this.

321
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,960
There you go, you naughty monkey.
Drink it nicely this time.

322
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,000
Not gulpy.

323
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,400
Did you send the text?

324
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,120
Yes. I was worried Ibiza was too
much. Was it too much?

325
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,520
What the fuck have you done, Jeremy?
I've done a good one.

326
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,320
I've cleared the coast,
the coast is clear.

327
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,400
The coast is not clear.
We're all going to prison.

328
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,560
You've gone totally loopy.
You kidnapped Angus.

329
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,000
Or did I invite an unstable oddball
for a lift in Hans's van

330
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:06,720
then back to here for a snifter,

331
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:09,440
then he accidentally got locked in
my room for a few hours?

332
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,080
It's our word against his.

333
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,400
This is bad.

334
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,840
This is really bad.

335
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,680
This is brilliant and it totally
worked. You're back with April.

336
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,280
Yes, until she finds out.

337
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,600
I mean, what's the long-term plan?
The long-term plan is sucky-fucky.

338
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,680
Sucky-fucky is not a long-term plan.

339
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,200
Look, how long's the cruise for?
Months.

340
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,960
Chuck her phone off the boat
first day, butterfingers,

341
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,960
then work on her, cement things.
You're in pole position.

342
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,320
Hmm.

343
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,360
She does hate her phone. Exactly.

344
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:40,360
I-I think we let him go
and I take the hit. No, Mark.

345
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,400
Sail off into the sunset and let your
love butler take care of business.

346
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,280
Agh! Fuck it!

347
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,440
All right.
Leave him in there for now.

348
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,200
Correct decision.
There's always a dark side of love.

349
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,680
Someone's always gonna get
a little bit kidnapped.

350
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,440
HE SIGHS,
DOORBELL RINGS

351
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,720
Who's that? Oh, er...

352
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:00,920
Surprise.

353
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,960
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mark, I told you
I didn't want a fucking surprise party!

354
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,440
I thought you were just hiding
your true feelings.

355
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,440
When have I ever hidden
my true feelings?

356
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,280
ANGUS GROANS

357
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,600
History man's getting a bit wriggly,
I think he needs restringing.

358
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,320
Give him a poke.

359
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,760
I'm not giving him a poke.
I'm not a fucking hired goon.

360
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,040
Who's on shift? Mark?

361
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,440
I'm not doing a shift.
This is insane.

362
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,080
Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.

363
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,840
You're the British people,
we're Blair and Bush.

364
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,360
We'll do the rendition.
You just have a glass of wine

365
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,640
and pretend nothing's happening.
DOORBELL RINGS

366
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,880
Right, gag him, Hans.
ANGUS GROANS: No, no!

367
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:35,960
April!

368
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,640
'Tell her we're leaving.'
Hi, Mark.

369
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:38,680
How the hell are you?

370
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,600
'Oh, God, she's coming in. Just act
normal. Don't arouse suspicion.'

371
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,800
Oh, shall I do the do
with the party stuff?

372
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:44,840
Oh, er, yeah.

373
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,040
'Don't open the door.'

374
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,080
Hi. Hi.

375
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,920
'She didn't see, she didn't see.
Calm down, Mark.'

376
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,840
The kangaroo is tied down, sport.

377
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,440
'He's not a kangaroo,
he's an eminent theologian.'

378
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,320
Hello, Jeremy. Surprise.

379
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:01,360
Come on in. Thanks for coming,
but put that in the fridge if you want.

380
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,800
Why did you invite her? She
hates me.

381
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,640
I stole her boyfriend. Sorry, but
when I was doing the invites,

382
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,920
it became clear that you've betrayed
everyone you've ever been close to.

383
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,240
I think that's why
the majority declined.

384
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,800
Hi, Jeremy. Oh, hi, Molly.

385
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,160
Happy birthday...

386
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,800
I guess is what you're meant to say.

387
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,080
Go on through.

388
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,520
I wouldn't say we were
scraping the barrel,

389
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,000
but, well, you've just not been great
at keeping in touch.

390
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,360
Hey, Jez.

391
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,000
Look tired.

392
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:32,040
Yeah, well, I'm definitely not.
So...I got you a present.

393
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,120
Tickets? It's your dream trip.

394
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,000
We leave after the party, dance till
dawn, party bus to Derby, night out,

395
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,769
fly to Belfast, rave, get on
the party boat to Bristol

396
00:17:41,849 --> 00:17:43,040
- yes, it really exists -

397
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:44,880
we stay up for a week.

398
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,920
Stay up for a week? Oh, right,
so, what, no sleeping at all?

399
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,783
Oh, we'll have naughties
to keep us going,

400
00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:53,280
but we can sleep when we're dead.

401
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,240
'Which will be within a week.'

402
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,320
OK, come in, everyone.

403
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,560
Happy birthday, Jeremy.

404
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,600
39 today.

405
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,200
'Second year in a row.'

406
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:06,240
Here's to Jeremy
and three amazing months on the Med.

407
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,120
'Oh, shit! Filibuster. Don't turn.'

408
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,680
HE CHUCKLES
Great.

409
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,720
Yeah, I tell you what I would like
to do for Jeremy is...is filibuster.

410
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,440
I mean, a speech.

411
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:21,480
Oh, OK.

412
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,560
'Ugh! Now I've got to make
a fucking speech.'

413
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,200
You're 40 today? Yep, apparently.

414
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,440
That's what the banner says.
But you said you were 38 turning 39.

415
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,480
Did I? Yeah, maybe, I forget.
Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.

416
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,560
You definitely said
you were turning 39, the big 3-9.

417
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,640
It's not a big deal, whatever.

418
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:41,840
So why lie?

419
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,280
I didn't, I just misspoke.

420
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:45,600
It's fine, it's just...

421
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,560
It's weird
that you wouldn't think it's fine.

422
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,560
Look, Joe, I'm sorry,
but the truth is I'm 40

423
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,720
and I don't want to go raving
for a week.

424
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,920
I want to stay up till about one
and then go to bed

425
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,440
and listen to my Mr Nice audiobook.

426
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,440
Bed at one.
One isn't even the night.

427
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:04,480
It is, Joe. Look, I can't rave
all day and fuck all night,

428
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,680
and, honestly, I don't even like
drinking my own piss.

429
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,800
You drink your own piss?
Yes, I eat cashews

430
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,320
and I drink my own piss
and it doesn't work.

431
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,200
I'm never gonna be young, dumb and full
of come ever again and that's that.

432
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,800
Fine. I get it.

433
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,840
I want to come with you,
but I'm just scared I might die.

434
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,000
Maybe I'll ask Megan
if she wants to come instead.

435
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,480
Joe... Don't go, Joe.

436
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,160
'Oh, I've driven him away
with my horrible oldness.

437
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,200
'Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now,
but one day you'll be, like, 56.'

438
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,240
Speech!
ALL: Speech!

439
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:40,280
Come on, Mark, you start. Yeah.

440
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,920
'Here goes.
Quick speech and then cruise.'

441
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Jeremy. What can I say?
A man I know very well indeed.

442
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:52,120
'That's probably as far as I can
truthfully go on the endearment stakes.'

443
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,760
Um... He's...he's not a great man,
he's not a wise man,

444
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,800
he's not always a good man.

445
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:01,640
'OK, where am I going?'

446
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,560
But he is a...

447
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,160
a nice man...

448
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,480
..up to a point...

449
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,120
and I...

450
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,760
like him.

451
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,280
There, I've said it, hope he's happy.
GUESTS APPLAUD

452
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,600
APRIL: Speech, Jez.

453
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,040
ALL: Speech! Speech!

454
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:23,080
Um, thanks, Mark.
We're, er, quite a gang, obviously,

455
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,800
us two - brains and the funny one,

456
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:30,840
the old, stick-up-his-arse,
boring-jumper one

457
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:36,080
and the sexy, pep-up-the-party,
acid-in-the-punchbowl one.

458
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,080
'He loves triggering mental illness.'

459
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:42,120
But we get on pretty well and we have
our ups and downs, like any couple.

460
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,560
'Hold on. If Hans is here,
who's with the hostage?

461
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,880
'Oh, God, I've got
an unattended hostage.'

462
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,920
..And, er, a boring bastard sometimes,
but at the end of the day,

463
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,160
we've lived together for shit long
and it's been...

464
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,200
all right.

465
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,320
APPLAUSE
'Oh, fuck!

466
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,600
'Got to keep the attention.'

467
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,640
Er, yeah, and if I could just say
one more thing, um, Jeremy, Jez, er,

468
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:16,600
please always...keep on...being you.

469
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,560
'Totally meaningless.
I'm gonna get rumbled.'

470
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,240
'That is sweet. That might be
the nicest thing he's ever said.'

471
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,920
Oi, April! Angus?

472
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,960
'Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!'

473
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,400
Mark?

474
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,200
Help, don't let them kill me.
Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.

475
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,160
HANS: We were just hanging out.
It's all fine.

476
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,080
ANGUS: He said he was going to cut my
willy off and put it into my bottom.

477
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:44,120
HANS: Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus,
you've got to admit that, right?

478
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,600
Simon? What's going on, Mark?

479
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,640
This has nothing to do with Mark or
Hans. It's all my doing.

480
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:51,840
It's all your doing?

481
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:55,880
Angus wanted stuff done to him, I wasn't
into it, it's all pretty disgusting,

482
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,120
I don't wanna go into details,
but it's complicated.

483
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,960
We'll probably never fully
understand, like Stonehenge.

484
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,000
Mark knew. Mark saw it all. They got
me outside the travel agency.

485
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,400
Molly. For fuck's sake!

486
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,680
'Who could have possibly predicted
that falsely imprisoning a love rival

487
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,920
'would turn out so badly?
Only a genius.'

488
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,320
April, don't go.

489
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,360
'A real night to remember,
like the Titanic.'

490
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,840
Right, well, it's over with Molly.

491
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,040
Apparently I'm not even allowed to
do a little fucking naughty kidnap,

492
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,600
so bollocks to it.

493
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,600
I'm going to van it to Macedonia,
finally set up the moped rental.

494
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,280
Yeah? Yeah.

495
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,120
Laters.

496
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,160
See you.

497
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,960
Are we gonna be all right?

498
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,887
TV: 'The project
to reintroduce wolves

499
00:22:48,967 --> 00:22:51,000
into this habitat
has been controversial...'

500
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,480
'That's the last thing I need.'

501
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,560
Now they're bringing back wolves.

502
00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,600
Oh, God, I am so tired. What next?

503
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,960
Bring back smallpox? We all had fun
with the smallpox, didn't we?

504
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,400
Is it time smallpox had a reboot?
Mark?

505
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,240
Will you pull me off? I'm not
about to pull you off, Jeremy.

506
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,840
And if you think about it,
I'm sure you don't really want me to.

507
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,360
Sure. Whatever.

508
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,280
I just thought it might be
comforting.

509
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:24,320
What about I read to you
from Napoleon's correspondence?

510
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,200
If I was going to kill you,

511
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,320
I'd have a great sign-off. Yeah?

512
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:33,360
You always loved history, Mark,
well, now you can be part of it.

513
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:35,480
Bang!

514
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,400
Yeah, not bad, not bad at all.

515
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:43,440
I think I'd just come at you in
the night, pillow on the face, cark!

516
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,920
Yeah, that's you all over.

517
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,120
Aw, we do love each other really.

518
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,360
'I simply must get rid of him.'

519
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,400
WOLVES HOWL