-Hi, Larry. -oh, hi, Susan.
The mailman put this in my box by mistake.
Another letter from Ed McMahon.
l feel bad about not getting back to him.
-Susan. -Hi, Balki.
Let me bathe in your beauty.
All right, up. Bath time is over.
You'll have to forgive Balki.
The only redhead in his homeland was a tree squirrel.
[SUSAN CHUCKLES]
Susan, let me shine your shoes with my heart.
He is so cute.
Balki, save something for your honeymoon.
-l'm going. -Yeah.
-See you. -Bye-bye, Susan.
Goodbye, love goddess.
Balki, you have to stop doing that to Susan.
-You don't do that to other women. -l don't know any other women.
Maybe you should go out and meet some.
Easy for you, you're a happening guy.
Well, true.
But anybody can do it. l mean, you see a woman, you smile.
Pay her a compliment, ask her her name. lt's easy.
Can somebody help me, please?
[MoUTHlNG] Up, up
-Can l help you? -Yeah.
-Do you have any sweatshirts? -Right over there.
-Ah, fantastic. -Yes, and speaking of fantastic...
...you have perfect bone structure for having babies.
-What your name is? -Uh....
oh, l see. lt's written on the back of your pants.
''Levi Strauss.''
Hello, Levi. My name is Balki.
Hey, where do you get off anyway?
Well, l got off in New York, but then l took the bus to Chicago.
lt's my kind of town, Chicago is.
Levi, after work, do you want to have a happy hour with me?
Excuse me, he means no harm.
He's from another country. And he has a head injury.
Don't you give me that face.
l did just what you told me. lt didn't work.
Balki, that's not how you meet women. That's how muggers meet women.
Gentlemen, front and center. l'm going to the track.
lf l pick any losers, l'll think of you. Move it. Move it. Get away from my money.
Mr. Twinkacetti, how do you get dates?
Well, that's easy.
You see a woman, you offer her 50 bucks, not a penny more.
l don't think that's the kind of date he's talking about.
Well, bite my tongue.
Does that mean l don't get to play St. Francis in the school play?
Balki, you gotta go to a place where single women hang out.
-Maybe you should just go to a singles bar. -oh, a singles bar. l have seen that on Tv.
''Give me a light. Go for the gusto.''
''Here's to good friends.''
Will you come with me, Cousin Larry? Tonight is kind of special.
No. Balki, a single's bar is not my first choice of places to meet women.
l prefer more formal situations, you know, uh...
...weddings, tax audit, Heimlich Maneuver.
Please, cousin.
No, l just don't like those kinds of places.
Please, you have to go with me. You're the love expert.
l don't think so.
oh, Bobo....
l see.
You're afraid if l learn the secrets of your power, l'll misuse it.
Yes, that's it.
[UP-TEMPo MUSlC PLAYlNG]
So this is one of your American mating places.
Meeting. A meeting place.
People meet each other here. They mate somewhere else.
So many beautiful women.
Yes, and you'll notice that none of them have men wrapped around their ankles.
[MUSlC SToPS & PEoPLE CLAPPlNG]
You know, you're right.
You really know your stuff, Cousin Larry.
Well, l think l'll pick out my woman now.
This is not a cafeteria.
Go slow. Take it easy. Be cool.
l know how to be cool.
Hey, mama. You be getting down with your bad self.
What are you doing?
Everyone is looking at us. l don't like that.
All right, let's get this over with so l can go home.
Now, the first thing is what we call eye contact.
Eye contact. Like the Three Stooges?
[HUMMlNG]
-All right, l'm gone. l'm out of here. -No, no, cousin, cousin.
okay, okay.
Look, for safety's sake, we had better define eye contact.
You look-- You look, into a woman's eyes from across the room.
And if she looks back, you know, you kind of hold the look.
That's eye contact.
Like that woman is looking at you?
What woman?
Don't point.
She must be looking at someone else.
[LARRY CLEARS THRo AT]
After you've made eye contact...
...you work your way over to the woman and you use your opening line.
Something like, ''Do you come here often?''
''Can l buy you a drink?''
''Didn't we meet in the oval office?'' Things like that.
-Can l try it? -oh, oh....
okay.
l have made eye contact.
-oh, boy. -Can l try my opening line?
All right, go ahead. Just don't tell her you know me.
Hello.
-Do you come here often? -No.
Would you smother me with your beautiful American body?
Excuse us.
You were one step away from throwing yourself at that woman's feet, weren't you?
-old habits die hard. -oh....
Why don't you show me, Cousin Larry? You're the expert.
Look-- Look, l just don't like these places.
And besides, l'm more of a kind of a talking expert than a, uh.... Uh....
l really don't wanna meet anyone.
-That woman is still looking at you. -She is?
Yes, she is.
-oh, my God, she is. -Go ahead and get her, you love devil.
All right. But this is a little faster than l usually like to operate.
l'm only doing this for you.
-So-- -Hey, pal, that's my girlfriend.
Balki, Balki.
[SlNGlNG GARY PUCKETT'S ''YoUNG GlRL'']
Cousin Larry, l'm so happy.
l met one fox-like American woman.
[LARRY GRo ANlNG]
Sounds like you had fun too.
Hey, you disappeared pretty fast.
Did you get lucky?
Yeah, l got lucky.
l'm lucky l wasn't killed.
That's nice.
Big news. l'm going on my first American date tomorrow night.
-Aren't you happy for me? -Yeah, why not?
While you were inside meeting your fox-like American chick...
...l was out in the parking lot...
...learning that the human body can bounce off of concrete.
l have so much to learn.
Reams.
Well, you can show me tomorrow night, because you're coming with me on my date.
We'll double the pleasure, double the fun.
[CHUCKLlNG]
Let me try to make something absolutely crystal clear for you.
l would rather spend the evening with Jabba the Hutt.
Well, call him up. We'll all party.
[SlNGlNG GARY PUCKETT'S ''YoUNG GlRL'']
Will you stop it?
l'm sorry. l'm just nervous about my date.
-She'll love you. l guarantee it. -Well, maybe you're right.
My underarms are safe, my scalp is not flaky...
...and my breath is lemon fresh.
Well, other than gargling with Pledge, l think you're off to a good start.
[KNoCKlNG oN DooR]
-Hi, guys. LARRY: oh, hi, Susan.
-So, Balki, ready for your big date? -Well, let me see.
l open the door for her, l pull out the chair, l don't speak with my mouth full...
...and l don't touch her body unless l am asked.
Larry.
Well, these are questions that came up.
Please, Cousin Larry, please come with me.
-No. -Please.
lt's a jungle out there, and l don't know how to swing.
Now, don't worry. l believe in you.
She is going to love you.
You have got the right stuff.
He is doomed.
-Larry, why don't you go with him? -oh. oh, no, no, no.
You're thinking, ''Balki's my friend.
My roommate. A stranger from another country.
He looks up to me. How can l cast him aside?''
Like this:
-Larry-- -Nice try.
Nice try, Susan, but it won't work.
l don't like to be embarrassed.
l have spent my whole life avoiding embarrassing situations.
Who knows when it started?
Maybe when l was born nude in front of all those strangers.
Larry, l don't see how going on a date with a friend can be embarrassing.
We are talking about Balki.
The man who doesn't believe the refrigerator light goes off.
The man who knows a thousand and one unfunny jokes about sheep.
The man who thinks Bo Derek is a fine little actress.
And you are telling me that he's not going to embarrass me?
Take a reality pill.
lf you're gonna be embarrassed, don't go.
oh, great, lay a guilt trip on me.
You don't have to tell me that tonight is going to be a disaster.
And you don't have to tell me how terrible l'm going to feel...
...if l'm not there to pick up the pieces.
All right, l'll go. There. l hope you're happy.
-lf it'll be easier for you, l'll go with you. -oh, sure, come along.
lt wouldn't be a car wreck without innocent bystanders.
-l'm gonna go put on my face. -Sure, easy for you.
You get to wear a disguise.
She is so manipulative.
Don't be shy. Come, come.
So, Diane, what do you do?
Good opening line, Cousin Larry, but she is my date.
l teach high school geography.
That's why l'm so fascinated by Balki's homeland.
lt is a fascinating place.
We have no sewers. And in the rainy season, it--
LARRY: l-- l, uh.... Ahem.
l come from Wisconsin.
That's nice.
oh!
Did l tell you my joke about the three sheepherders?
oh, you don't wanna do that.
-This is the funniest joke in all of Mypos. -lt's a small country.
These three sheepherders want to find out...
...who has the most beautiful sheep in all of Mypos.
So they decide to bring each the prize animal to be judged by the others.
Waiter. Waiter.
And so then the first one presents his sheep.
And the others say, ''This is a very beautiful animal.''
-So big, so white, so fluffy, good gums. -Waiter, yo.
You know this one. You're so funny.
So the next one presents his sheep, even more beautiful.
And then the next one presents his sheep. But it's just a horrible-looking animal.
Skinny, dirty, wrinkled face.
And they say, ''This has got to be the most ugly animal in the world.''
And then, the sheep looks up, right into their faces...
...and the sheep says, ''You think l'm ugly? Well, l'm not.''
-And? -That's the punch line.
[DlANE LAUGHlNG]
-Anybody for the salad bar? -There is no salad bar.
There's no punch line either. That didn't stop him.
[BAND PLAYlNG]
oh....
Hey, you know, this sounds like a song from my country.
oh, no, it doesn't.
DlANE: Really? -Yes, it's called ''The Dance of Joy.''
-lt's a lovely dance with lots of people. -oh, look, they have takeout.
-Well, can you show us the dance? -oh, no. No dancing.
-oh, come on. Show us. -lt takes a lot of people.
-We'll stay here. Susan-- -oh, no, come on, Larry.
Waiter, check, please.
-Hey! -Hey.
Come on, everybody, feel the beat. Put on your boogie sandals.
Some of these people went to college.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
That's enough. Balki, Balki, that's it. ''The Dance of Joy'' is over.
Hey, we're having a good time.
-Dance. -Five, six, seven, eight.
[BAND PLAYlNG]
ALL: Hey! Hey!
[LAUGHlNG]
-Goodnight, Susan. -Goodnight. l had a great time.
l can't believe it.
My first American date. Diane says she'll even see me again.
lsn't life great?
No.
l made a fool out of myself. l am so embarrassed.
-What? Why? We were having fun. -Fun?
l made a public spectacle out of myself.
one threat of death and l was out there tapping my little feet off.
You did not make a spectacle of yourself. Not even a private one.
of course l did.
Well, look, some people can sing and dance and get away with it.
l am not one of them. l don't like to sing. l don't like to dance.
People look at you.
But if everyone is singing and dancing, they don't point to one man and say:
''Look at that fellow singing and dancing.''
They look at the fellow who's not singing and dancing.
Don't they?
You know what l think?
l think you won't admit it. But you really did have fun tonight.
-oh, no, l didn't. -Yes, you did.
-Did not. -You did too.
Didn't.
-You danced. -l was threatened.
-You sang. -l didn't enjoy it.
-You laughed. -A hollow laugh.
Well, nobody twisted your leg to make you do that Cagney impression.
Well, l got sucked into the mob mentality.
Look, Balki, you and l are different.
-We are? -Yes.
You like to just jump into the swimming pool of life...
...without even checking to see if there is water.
l, on the other hand, like to make sure there's water, a lifeguard...
...test for algae.
And then l dip a toe in and call it a day.
l shouldn't be teaching you anything. l don't know how to have fun.
That is not true.
-You are a fun person. -Really?
-Yes. -oh, no, l'm not.
Yes, you are.
-Do Cagney for me again. -oh, no.
-oh, come on. -No.
-oh, come on. -No, No.
-Please, or l'll look at you and point. -okay.
oh, you dirty rat.
You killed my brother, you dirty rat.
Yeah?
Perfect.
-Now, you see, don't you feel better? -Well, yeah, l do.
You know, l'm gonna try to loosen up more often.
-Thanks, Balki. -l should thank you.
lf it wasn't for you, l'd still be throwing myself at women's feet.
You know, you taught me, if l just relax and be myself, people will like me.
And you learned something. Actually, you learned the same thing.
l guess so.
So you really think l sound like Cagney?
-Perfect. -Yeah?
[LARRY LAUGHlNG]
-Just like Cagney. -Yeah.
Can you do Lacey?
[ENGLlSH SDH]