[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder, the wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life ♪
♪ My dream ♪
♪ And nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Bartokomous.
Where do you think you're going?
Well, uh..
...since it's quitting time, I was thinking
I was going outside to Cousin Larry's car
because sometimes‐‐
Bartokomous.
You can't fool me.
You are not going anywhere until you compile
that new office directory.
I guess that means you'll be working late tonight.
Well, no because..
...I already finish it.
‐ What.. ‐ Look.
Each employee..
Each employee is alphabetized
and indexed and cross‐referenced according to blood type.
And look..
...if anybody needs blood type O
this little baby tell them where to go.
Keep smiling, Bartokomous.
Your days here are numbered.
Oh, Mr. Gorpley.
I'm so flattered you would take the time to count them.
It makes me feel kind of special.
Oh, you're special alright.
Balki, I won.
I won. The winning was done by me.
I was the one who won.
I won. I won, ha‐ha.
I won the lottery.
The lottery? Oh.
Miss Lydia. Blow my mind, why don't you?
What's the lottery?
Uh, let me take this one.
[clearing throat]
Sugar, the lottery is a game run by the state
to raise money for the schools.
Now, you see, you pick six numbers
and if it's the right six, you could win $28 million.
Miss Lydia.
You won $28 million?
Actually, I won $100.
Five minutes ago, it seemed like a lot of money.
Well, another edition put to bed
and once again I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Cousin
do you know anything about the lottery?
Oh, sure, Balki.
The lottery is a scam run by the state
to take advantage of people who didn't show up
when they were passing out brains.
Right, Lydia?
Drop dead, Larry.
Thanks a lot.
Now I've got to listen to her whine
all the way to the fifth floor.
[yelling] I cannot believe that he said that to me..
Did I miss something?
Miss Lydia won a $100 in the lottery.
Oh, shoot.
Cousin..
...I want play the lottery
No. You can't play the lottery.
‐ I want play the lottery. ‐ No, Balki.
The chances of winning the lottery are astronomical.
Well, if it's good enough for our space program
it's good enough for me.
No, no. Balki, Balki.
You got a better chance of getting hit by a car.
Well, sure I do but..
...who wants to buy a ticket for that?
No, Balki.
You're not playing the lottery.
'No, Balki.'
Balki. Balki..
♪ If I were a rich man ♪
[humming]
♪ If I were a wealthy man.. ♪
I can't believe..
...that after everything I said
you still bought a lottery ticket.
I can't believe you give me the dollar.
No, I didn't give you the dollar
I lent you the dollar and I want it back.
Okay, cousin.
Here you go. But first..
...I would like to offer you the opportunity
to buy half my lottery ticket.
No, thanks.
Cousin, after all you took me in
you gave me shelter, you feed me, you‐‐
Just give me my dollar and we'll call it even.
But Cousin
I'm a simple sheepherder
my needs are few.
I don't need $28 million.
I think I could slide by with 14 million.
I don't want half your ticket, I don't want any of your ticket
I just want the money you owe me
Balki, look..
Let me teach you a little lesson in economic reality.
Will this be followed by a short question and answer period?
Just listen.
This is a nice, crisp dollar bill.
Let me read for just a moment.
"This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."
That means I can buy things with it.
I give this to someone and they give me things I want.
This, on the other hand
is a totally worthless piece of paper.
You cannot buy anything with this, nothing.
Zip, zero, zilch.
No one with an ounce of common sense would trade this..
...for this.
Unless this..
were worth 28 million of those.
♪ I wouldn't have to work ♪
[humming]
Hurry up, Balki, it's almost time for the drawing.
Wouldn't it be great if one of us actually won?
Oh.
If I won I'd buy the airline.
Then I could make up the schedule
so I don't have to work double shifts.
You would buy the airline
just so you could change your schedule?
Well, yes.
And then I'd decrease my holdings but maintain
a controlling interest, initiate a three‐for‐one stock split
and roll my money into high yield junk bonds.
What about you, Larry? What would you do with $28 million?
Sorry, Jennifer, I'm a newspaper man. My beat is reality.
This is the part where he takes the fun out of the evening,
Balki, what would you do if you won the lottery?
Yeah, Balki, after all you're the one
holding the winning ticket.
Well, um
first I would take a big chunk
and pay off the Myposian national debt.
Balki, the entire national debt? How much is that?
$635.
And then after my country is back on her feet
I would love to do something for the poor people of Chicago.
I'd love to..
...to give homes to the homeless
jobs to the jobless, shifts to the shiftless.
Balki, that is so sweet.
Oh, look, they're doing the drawing.
Oh.
Balki, where's your ticket?
I hide it away in a safe place
but don't worry, I write the numbers down right here.
(male announcer on TV) 'Alright, everybody, get your lottery tickets ready.'
Cousin, I can't stand the suspense.
Please, you check the numbers for me?
Oh, golly gee, Balki.
You're gonna trust me with the winning numbers?
Back off, Cousin, just check the numbers.
[drum rolls on TV]
(male announcer on TV) 'Fifteen..'
'...thirty two..'
'...fifty two..'
'...twenty one..'
'...twenty four..'
'...and thirty four.'
'Let's go over those numbers again.'
Well, that's it for me.
Balki, it's over. We all lost.
What?
But, but the man at the store tell me that
'he was sure that that I had the winning numbers.'
(Mary Anne) 'Oh, they say that to everybody.'
Larry, are you alright?
Balki.
Balki..
You've won $28 million.
‐ I won? ‐ You've won.
I won.
[girls cheering]
[instrumental music]
‐ Goodnight. ‐ Bye.
You know, Balki
$28 million hasn't changed you at all.
Well, I'm just a simple sheep herder.
Who is rich beyond my wildest dreams.
♪ Da di di di da da da da da ♪ ♪ Da di di di da da da da da ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪ ♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
[both laughing]
I can't believe I won the giant jackpot.
We're rich, Balki. We're rich.
[laughing]
Mama will be so proud.
We did it. We did it.
Cousin, tell me I'm not dreaming.
Tell me I really won.
You're not dreaming. We won alright.
Tell me again?
We won.
Question..
How could we win
if I bought the lottery ticket?
Well, don't get me wrong, I mean
no one questions that you bought the ticket.
But let's not forget that I loaned you the money.
Gave you the capital.
Made the initial outlay for our risky venture.
Yes and in gratitude, I offered you the opportunity
to buy one half of what I correctly claimed
was the winning ticket but you refused.
And then you made fun of me
and then you accused me of throwing my money
down a rat hole.
I've changed my mind since then.
Oh, Cousin..
...if only life were that simple.
Uh, uh, Balki, Balki
I'll tell you what.
As a show of faith I've got twenty bucks
I'll go out, buy twenty tickets
and whatever I win we'll split 50‐50.
So, now you like the lottery?
Oh, I do, I do.
That's funny because
if memory serves me, and I think it does.
When we were in the store, I recall you told me
that if I were to look up the word "Sucker"
in a dictionary, my picture would be there.
Balki..
...please, please, please.
I want to be rich.
[mumbling]
Cousin
I'm just playing a game of cat and louse with you.
Of course, I share my jackpot with you.
Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you.
In your face, Donald Trump.
Now..
...where is the lottery ticket?
‐ I hide it. ‐ Good for you.
Where did you hide it?
Balki.
Do you remember where you hid it?
Not right now.
What do you mean not right now?
Where is it?
Well, I hide it and then I hide it again so many times
that, that I forget where I hide it last.
[yelling] You have got to remember.
Alright, that's alright, no problem.
No problem. Take your time.
No hurry, just try to think back.
You put the ticket..
‐ I put the ticket.. ‐ You put the ticket..
I put the ticket..
...in my..
You put the ticket in your..
Winter coat.
There.
[exhaling]
Spring.
Summer.
Autumn.
‐ Winter. ‐ Oh.
[panting]
‐ The ticket's not there. ‐ It's not there?
Ha, I was sure I put it in there.
I‐I remember thinking that I would put it
either in my winter coat
or...in a cereal box.
Ah. Look, cousin.
You found it. You found it.
What is it?
It's the Captain Power decoder ring.
Now I have a complete set.
Now you don't.
Where is it?
Think. Think.
I can't think.
I was up all night. I don't get any sleep..
[mumbling]
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
Alright, just try to remember.
Try to remember.
You had the ticket in your hand.
‐ Yes. ‐ You were in the apartment..
‐ I was in the living room. ‐ In the living room..
Alright, and then?
I was watching TV.
Over there.
And then?
I began to gaze into the fire.
[muttering] Alright, okay.
And then?
I began to think of home.
And then, and then, and then?
And then..
...I don't remember.
You don't remember
where you hid a lottery ticket
worth $28 million?
‐ Books. ‐ What about them?
It's hidden behind the books.
Wait a minute.
Now that I think about it
It's not behind the books. It's in one of the books.
Which one? It makes a difference, you know?
‐ Shakespeare. ‐ Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, Shakespeare..
‐ Comedies or tragedies? ‐ Sonnets.
Sonnets.
Oh, my God.
It's not here.
It's not there?
[yelling] Where is it?
Think. Think.
I can't think. There's no air to my brain.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, that's better.
I must have hidden it underneath the corner of the carpet.
Impossible. I would've found it when I vacuumed.
It's not in there.
Alright, alright.
Don't panic.
Alright, it's gotta be here somewhere.
You take the kitchen. I'll take the living room.
The kitchen. The kitchen, the kitchen.
[knock on door]
‐ Come in. ‐ Come in.
Wow.
You guys got eccentric fast.
Larry, what happened? Were you robbed?
I lost a lottery ticket.
[both sobbing]
Well, easy come, easy go.
Well, listen, uh
we have to work a flight but we'll be back tonight
and we'll just help you find it.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Thank you.
Oh, Balki. Here's that envelope you asked me to hold for you.
Cousin
we're multiple millionaires again.
[both screaming]
Hello, listen.
I think if you just check the numbers on our lottery ticket
you'll find that we're the lottery's newest millionaires.
Large bills will be fine.
Yeah. We issue checks for anything over $100.
Well, I guess this is one check we won't be
cashing at the "Quick Shop."
Yeah, mind if I check the numbers?
We like to do that before we hand over $28 million.
‐ Oh, of course. ‐ Oh, of course.
15, 15.
32, 32.
'52, 52.'
21, 21.
24, 27.
Hold it.
34, 37.
N‐no, those aren't the right numbers.
You know, that same thought just occurred to me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's something wrong here, you hear?
Balki has the numbers written
right on this piece of paper.
‐ Yeah, 15 ‐ Uh‐huh.
32, 52, 21..
Yeah, now, is that a four or a seven?
‐ Four. ‐ Seven.
What do you mean a seven?
Now, I can see how you might think that it was a four.
It's got that little line through the middle.
I also put that through my "Z's"
so that nobody thinks they're two's.
Who cares about your "Z's?"
I want our money.
Give me our $28 million.
Sir, this ticket has the wrong number.
Who cares about this ticket?
Look, look at this paper.
It has got to be worth at least a million.
Cousin..
Remember, reality is your beat
and the beat goes on.
Wait, you, you did match four numbers.
You won $100.
Thank you. Very nice of you.
‐ Come along, cousin. ‐ I don't want $100.
‐ Isn't it nice? ‐ I want $28 million.
That's the story of my life.
What made me think I could win the lottery?
But, cousin.
We did win the lottery.
We picked four numbers out of six.
We won $100.
Big deal.
What's a $100?
It's one pair of "Air Jordan" basketball shoes.
It's twenty trips to the top of the "Sear's Tower."
It's a four year subscription to "Sports Illustrated" magazine
which if we order now, includes
the baseball preview and the swimsuit issue.
Balki.
How do you do it?
Cousin..
...if you just take a little postcard out of the magazine..
No, no, no.
No, no.
I mean
you see the $100 we won
and I see
the $27,999,900
we lost.
Well, now, cousin.
You're comparing the $28 million you thought you had yesterday
with the $100 that you do have today.
And I'm comparing the $100 that we do have today
with the $100 we did not have yesterday.
Balki, you're right.
You know, I guess..
I see the glass half empty.
And you, you, you..
...always see the glass half‐full.
Cousin..
...I don't see a glass at all.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]