[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin' to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
What are you doing?
I'm gonna put ice cream in the punch.
You don't put it in now!
It's gonna melt before Balki gets here.
Well, you‐you're putting the soda in!
Soda doesn't melt.
Don't you know anything about making punch?
Hello, I can make a punch!
M‐maybe, I should have gone down to the school with Balki.
Uh, he was so nervous.
Larry, you can't take his entrance exam for him.
It's just one of those things has to do on his own.
But getting into college is so important to Balki.
Gosh! Balki going to college?
It seems like he just graduated from high school.
He did just graduate from high school.
Oh, right.
You know, I don't know what the big deal is about college?
I went to college and other than learning
how complex hydrocarbons are broken down to make glyceride
I didn't get anything out of it.
Alright, Balki going to college.
Duh, I can't believe he's come so far so fast.
And if you had seen him when he first walked through my door
you‐you wouldn't have thought he was college material.
Am I looking up Larry Appleton?
Larry Appleton. That's me.
Larry, Larry, Larry!
I look everywhere for you!
I walked the streets, I searched the alleys.
I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?"
You don't know how many people have never heard of you!
But now I find you
and I'm safe, I'm safe!
Yes, yes, now you're safe.
Who are you?
I'm Balki Bartokomous.
Philo, my fifth cousin, three times removed
is a step‐uncle to your father on my mother's side
two continents removed.
I see, so we're sort of related by rumor.
[sighs] America.
Land of my dreams..
...home of the whopper.
You mean, that's why you two got to be roommates?
Balki just showed up on your doorstep one day?
Yeah.
He was a real babe in the woods.
Yeah, if I hadn't taken him under my wing
there's‐there's no telling
what would've happened to him.
He had no experience with women.
I had to teach him everything.
You know, Balki told me about the time
you took him to that singles bar..
He did?
Uh, the way Balki tells it
you were both babes in the woods.
So Larry took Balki to a singles bar to meet women..
[instrumental music]
So, this is one of your American mating places?
Meeting. A meeting place.
People meet each other here.
They mate somewhere else.
Go slow. Take it easy.
Be cool.
I know how to be cool.
Hey, mama, you be getting down with you bad self.
What are you doing?
Alright, let's get this over with
so I can go home.
Now, the first thing is what we call eye contact.
Eye contact.
Like the three stooges?
Ay‐na‐nay, pook.
‐ Alright, I'm going, I'm out‐‐ ‐ No, no, cousin, cousin.
Okay. Okay.
Look, for safety's sake, we had better define eye contact.
You look, look
into a woman's eyes from across the room
and if she looks back, you know, and you kind of hold the look
that's eye contact.
Like that woman is looking at you?
What woman?
Don't point.
After you've made, uh, eye contact..
...you work your way over to the woman
and, uh, use your opening line.
Something like, uh
"You come here often?"
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Didn't we meet in the Oval Office?"
Things like that.
‐ Can I try it? ‐ Oh...okay.
I have made eye contact.
Oh, boy.
‐ Can I try my opening line? ‐ Alright, go ahead.
Just, uh, don't tell her you know me.
Hello.
Do you come here often?
No.
Would you smother me
with your beautiful American body?
Excuse us.
You were one step away from throwing yourself
at that woman's feet, weren't you?
Old habits die hard.
Why don't you show me, Cousin Larry?
You're the expert.
Look, look, I‐I just don't like these places.
And besides, I'm..
...I'm more of a kind of, uh, talking expert
than a, uh..
Uh...I really don't wanna meet anyone.
That woman is still looking at you.
She is?
Yes, she is.
Oh, my God, she is.
Go ahead and get her, you love‐devil.
Alright...but this is a little faster
than I usually like to operate.
I'm only doing this for you.
So..
Hey, pal, that's my girlfriend!
Balki..
'Balki.'
Balki..
[laughing]
I wish, I wish I could've seen that.
I'm a sucker for a cheap laugh.
Uh, you know, I‐I don't mean to split hairs here
but, uh, that is
not at all the way I remember it.
Well, did the guy beat you up or not?
Well..
Uh..
"Beat up" is such a strong term.
Sounds like he got his butt kicked.
[laughs]
Look, there have been countless times
th‐that Balki has needed me
and I have been there for him.
I mean, for instance, the time he invited his friend Gina
to‐to stay with us while her husband was out of town‐‐
Gina, i‐isn't she the one who had her baby
while she was staying with you?
Yes, in the middle of the night.
And if I had not been there with one of my foolproof plans
well, there is no telling what would've happened.
Oh, that's interesting.
Uh, the way I heard it
your plan sort of fell apart!
Well..
Larry had rehearsed everything
using a stopwatch, so..
Balki, it's time.
‐ Gina? It's time? ‐ Yes.
Ah, Gina, how exciting!
‐ Little baby. ‐ Mm.
Why is the light on?
The‐the baby's coming, Larry.
What baby?
Who are you?
Why am I holding a sheep?
He doesn't wake up well.
Cousin, it's Gina. Remember the plan?
The plan? Yes. Of course, I remember the plan.
It's my plan. Alright.
No need to worry. First babies take a long time.
Oh, well, Larry, I've been in labor a long time.
Why didn't you tell us?
Well, I didn't wanna bother you.
You were up so late.
Alright. Don't panic!
Go!
‐ Are you alright? ‐ Yes. Yes, I'm okay.
‐ What are you doing? ‐ Calling the hospital.
Ca‐calling the hospital is my job.
‐ You get the suitcase! ‐ But..
I‐I called the hospital last time.
Look, I gave you a chance to prove
you're a good communicator, and what did you say?
"Hello, hospital? Baby is coming."
Cavemen are more articulate!
Could you please hurry?
Oh!
Hello, hospital? The baby is coming.
Brilliant!
‐ I forgot to tell who‐‐ ‐ Oh, L‐Larry, there's no time.
We get to the hospital
they'll probably figure out why I'm there.
Good‐good thinking. Okay. Alright.
No need to panic. Everything is under control.
Alright, I get the note
and we are gone..
Yes!
My keys. My keys. Where are my keys?
‐ They're in your pants. ‐ Where are my pants?
‐ They're in the closet.
Where is the closet? Where is the closet?
‐ Cousin.. ‐ Look, look.
We can't get to the hospital without my keys.
‐ 'Cousin‐‐' ‐ Don't cousin me now.
Look, look, I don't have my keys.
I don't have my pants.
I can't do this!
She'll just have to have the baby at some other time!
Why don't you help me?
[panting]
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're trying to make me look bad in front of Gina.
Where is Gina? Where is the mother?
We can't do this without the mother!
[panting]
Cousin.
Someday you'll forgive me for this.
Feel better?
No.
Can we go have a baby now?
Okay.
I'll follow you.
Where're you going?
‐ To the hospital. ‐ Right, yes.
Gina, there you are. Thank God!
[instrumental music]
You know, I'm a little worried about Balki.
Shouldn't he be finished with his exam by now?
What if he sat down
to take the test and froze up?
I mean, what‐what‐what if his mind went blank
and he couldn't remember a thing?
What‐what‐what if he got dizzy
and, and the room started spinning and..
...and he started hyperventilating..
You mean, like what happens to you
when you sit down to write your advice column?
Alright.
Alright. I'm just not gonna talk anymore.
That way no one can make fun of me.
Ladies, ladies, we're‐we're all a little edgy
because we're worried about Balki.
Oh, but maybe I should have gone down there with him.
He always needs me to get through
these pressure situations.
You know, if I wasn't there to help him
he wouldn't have gotten through his first day of work.
Wait a minute. I was there.
And I wouldn't call what you did help.
Now Gorpley was looking for a reason to fire Balki.
And Larry was trying to write his first article
for the newspaper, when all of a sudden..
‐ You've finished? ‐ Yes, yes, yes.
I'm finished.
This is all of 'em?
Yes. I'm sorry it take so long.
But I‐I thought that I would alphabeticalize them.
Is that okay?
You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Well, I'm no Sam Donaldson, but..
We'll see how smart you are.
I need 100 copies of this flyer.
You've got ten minutes.
Oh, but guess what? The copy machine is broke.
Hey, relax, I'm looking out for you.
You can use the mimeograph machine.
See, I even got your stencil. All ready to go.
Ten minutes, Bartokomous.
Now, if you can't do the job..
...I know someone who can.
Balki, you need help with the mimeograph machine?
‐ Oh, no, no, cousin. ‐ Good.
Just...point it out to me.
Oh.
Back here, look here.
Just wheel it out to your table
and I'll plug it in.
Alright.
‐ 'Alright, get the stencil!' ‐ Okay.
Okay, get the paper.
Paper.
‐ Paper. ‐ Okay. Stencil's on.
Paper goes in here
and turn it on here.
‐ Get it? ‐ Got it.
Good.
‐ How's it going, Balki? ‐ Oh, it's going fine!
Just, just dandy.
You just finish your article.
‐ Balki. ‐ No, no. No problem.
No problem, cousin.
‐ Appleby? ‐ Uh, yes, sir.
I need that article in five minutes.
Yes, sir. Appleton, sir, Appleton.
‐ Alright. ‐ Cousin, no!
You have to do your article.
Balki, look, I can do this in just a‐‐
Cousin, you only have five minutes and you just‐‐
I'll‐I'll just take a look at this here.
Alright, look, see, here's the problem.
You got all these papers jammed under the drum, here.
Alright.
Oh, alright. Oops!
Get the basket!
‐ The basket? ‐ The paper basket!
The paper basket.
'I got it.'
‐ Ooh! Balki! ‐ Cousin! Cousin!
It's alive!
And it's hungry!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
It, it...I can't!
[groaning]
[whirring]
[groaning]
‐ Balki, Balki! ‐ What?
The plug, the plug, the plug.
‐ The plug? ‐ The plug. The plug, Balki.
The plug!
Ow. Ow.
‐ I did it! ‐ Oh!
Appleman, where is the story?
Mr. Burns, something came up
and I still have a bit of polishing to do.
This is‐this is news, not silverware.
I need a story!
Mr. Burns, it was my fault.
I accidentally threw his article away.
But I just found it.
Well, actually, that's not the final
final version.
‐ If I could just have a.. ‐ It's pretty good.
Well, Mr. Burns, if I could only.. Pretty good?
I'd say, for your first assignment
it's pretty good.
See you on Monday, Appleton.
Then maybe you can explain to me
why you were trying to mimeograph your tie!
[laughing]
Okay. Okay, alright.
That particular time
Balki was more help to me than I was to him.
But that was an exception.
I mean, more often than not
he wouldn't know what to do
unless I led him by the hand.
Come on, you guys know that!
I mean, why do I feel like I'm defending myself?
I think of all the times
that if I wasn't there
he wouldn't know what to do.
Jennifer, you can think of something.
Oh, of course I can.
‐ Harriette? ‐ I got nothin', baby.
‐ Lydia? ‐ I'm not saying anything.
I don't want to open myself to insults.
‐ I've got one. ‐ Yeah, there. You see?
I remember the time you taught Balki all about plumbing?
'You see, Jennifer and I were out of town'
and Larry offered to fix our shower.
And so he and Balki went up there while we were..
Boy, cousin.
This place looks like the Ty‐D‐Bol Man man went berserk.
If you want to make an omelet
you've got to break some eggs.
A few cans of spackle
and they'll never know we've been here.
Boy, this spackle must be amazing stuff.
Yes, it is.
Now, what do you say we button this job up?
Jennifer and Mary Anne will be back tonight.
Cousin..
...where does this go?
Trash.
Well, I think we're ready to test this baby.
[air howling]
[shattering]
It's broken.
No!
[groaning]
[sputtering]
[splashing]
Well, do something!
[grunting]
[sputtering]
Don't look at me!
Find the cut‐off valve!
I think it's underneath the sink!
‐ Then turn it off! ‐ But I can't‐‐
Turn it off!
Cousin, I can't! My fingers are stuck.
Go on without me, cousin.
[sobbing] Save yourself!
Aah!
[groaning]
Balki, get up!
[splashing]
[indistinct yelling]
[panting]
[sobbing]
[water gurgling]
Well..
Maybe that wasn't a good example.
I guess I'm wrong.
I haven't been helping Balki.
I've been holding him back.
Oh, my God!
I helped him study for his entrance exam.
He probably went down there and failed
all because of me.
I should get out of his life.
Look at me! I'm a college man!
Balki, you did it!
Alright, alright.
♪ For he's a jolly good ♪
No, no. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, before you sing "For He's a Jolly Good Felon"
there's something I want to say.
Like so many other things that have happened to me
since I come to this country
I couldn't have done this without my Cousin Larry.
‐ Really? ‐ Well, yes!
Did you hear that?
He couldn't have done it without me.
What was it? The coaching I gave you on language section?
Or the work I did with you on the math drills?
O‐or the mnemonic coding
I gave you to remember the history dates?
Well, those were all great
but I was referring to the fact
that you loaned me your pencil.
Oh, come on, cousin, I‐I'm‐I'm just kidding.
That's‐that's college humor.
Cousin, what do you say?
Now we're so happy, we do the dance of joy!
♪ Di di di di ♪
♪ Di di di di di ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
(all) Yay!
[instrumental music]
[music continues]