[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Is Balki around?
Well, no, he's not.
Then, hurry up, Lydia, before he gets here.
Harriette! Harriette!
Oh, hi, baby. Bye, baby.
No. Wait, wait!
This is the day you said I could drive the elevator.
You big kidder, you.
Don't do that, baby.
Uh, but I've been looking forward to this all week.
Okay, let's get to it.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I've been practicing at home in my closet.
Now, now, don't worry.
I remember everything you‐you teach me.
Balki, make sure you don't accelerate too fast.
Well, of course, I won't.
Don't be ridiculous.
What does accelerate mean?
[screams]
Gotta remember to use smaller words.
Appleton.
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Wainright.
Appleton, that was a great story
you wrote on the commodities scandal.
Well, thank you, sir. I try to do my small part for the paper.
Oh, don't be so modest. It was good.
You should try being a little more assertive.
Well, how about an office
on the same floor with the other investigative reporters?
I said assertive, not pushy.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Where did you find that informant?
‐ What was it you called him? ‐ Sore Throat.
Actually, Balki came up with the name.
In fact, Balki was the one who found him.
That's why Balki's name is on the article, too.
Well, I should say well done to Bartokomous, too.
Uh, is he around?
Well, Harriette's letting him drive the elevator.
(Harriette) 'Stop!'
That would be him now.
Wow.
That thing can stop on a dime.
Harriette, I think I'm going to try it again.
Why don't you take a breather, baby
while I try finding my contacts?
My God. I'm shorter!
Balki, Balki, look who's come to see us.
Mr. Wainright.
It's so nice of you to come down
and‐and join us in our basement.
Well, I‐I just came by to tell you
what an asset you've been to Appleton.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Wainright.
I didn't realize..
I didn't realize I'd made an asset of myself.
Uh, no, no, no, Balki‐‐
I‐I know, I've made a few mistakes in my time
but I don't think that's any reason for name‐calling.
No, no, no. It's not what you think.
He's still learning the language.
Obviously.
Well, just keep up the good work, Appleton.
You have a great future as a reporter.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Now, wasn't that nice of him to come down here?
Well, to be honest with you
I'm still smarting from that asset remark.
No, no, no, Balki, an asset is a good thing. A good thing.
He was paying you a compliment.
‐ Really? ‐ Yes.
Wish I could have understood this
so I could have enjoyed the moment.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Where can I find Larry Appleton
and Balki Bartokomous?
‐ I'm Larry Appleton. ‐ I'm Balki Bartokomous.
Oh, I saw your names were on that commodities scandal story.
Nice work.
Oh, thank you.
We're already celebrities.
What can we do for you?
This is a subpoena.
What...what that is?
Oh, uh, you're to appear in court
tomorrow before Judge Gideon
and reveal everything you know about the commodities scandal.
Well, uh, cousin, I guess you're right.
We are becoming celebrities.
People want us to start making personal appearances.
[instrumental music]
Okay, cousin, what if the judge asks you
"How was the inside information passed?"
Alright, alright, your honor, uh..
"Each commodity was given a code name."
If I can give an example..
"Pork bellies were called porky pigs."
I can elaborate, if you'd like.
No need, cousin. No need.
Wow. You really..
You really have these facts at your fingernails.
I have to, Balki.
I'm representing "The Chronicle"
in what could be the trial of the decade.
I have a responsibility to have all of my facts straight.
Besides, we could be on television.
Oh, cousin, then that‐that means
we'll have to dress for the camera.
That means nothing too busy. No stripes.
And I would recommend you don't wear yellow
because it makes you look very pale.
Kind of like that guy in "Poltergeist 2".
You're gonna die.
‐ Thanks for the tip. ‐ You're welcome.
Hey, cousin, when do I get to tell the judge what I know?
What do you know?
Well...I've got that right here
in my filing system.
"Your Honor, I have everything you want to know
"about Sore Throat, right here.
"Name, Waldo Gillings.
"Occupation, driver for a big Chicago stockbroker.
"Hobby, listening to his boss make crooked deals
"in the back seat of the Limo."
Balki..
...you can't tell the judge anything about Sore Throat.
We promised Waldo that we would not reveal
that he was the source of our information.
As reporters, we have to protect people
who come to us with information they feel should be made public.
They know a reporter will not divulge their identity.
And that is what I promised Waldo.
But‐but, cousin, I have heard that if you don't tell a judge
what he wants to know, he can send you to jail.
Now, Balki, yes, it's true.
The judge could have us incarcerated.
Oh, cousin, I don't want to be set on fire!
No, no.
Not incinerated, incarcerated.
Incarcerated.
It means sent to jail.
But, Balki, it's a small price to pay.
We have to stand up for the first amendment.
Sit down.
We have to stand up for freedom of the press.
Sit down.
We have to stand up.. Sit down!
For the very constitution upon which this country was founded.
Well, cousin, why you didn't say so sooner?
I didn't know we were fighting
for life, puberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well, we are, Balki. We are.
Well, that settles it.
If that judge wants to know anything
about Sore Throat, we aren't going to tell him a thing
even if he sends us to jail forever!
And if he don't like that
he can take it to the bank and smoke it!
That's the spirit.
And you know what I think, Balki?
Not really.
Tomorrow when the judge sees the strength
of our commitment, he's not going to throw us in jail.
He's going to throw us a parade.
Ha ha!
Does this mean we missed the parade?
[instrumental music]
It's five big ones, Balki.
We've been in stir for five hours.
Well, cousin, you did tell Judge Gideon
that we'd stay in here until hell warms over.
And I meant it.
‐ Could you believe that judge? ‐ Hmm.
He thought he could break me
by throwing me in this hole. Ha!
Ha! Yeah..
This cell isn't so bad.
It's not as bad as the one I was in on Mypos.
It's got nice bunk beds and ru‐running water.
Judge Gideon didn't know who he was dealing with.
We're.. You were in jail?
What for?
Kidnapping.
You were arrested for kidnapping?
Yeah, I was accused of a 506..
Stealing a baby goat.
Oh. Kid‐napping.
But it was all a mistake. A mistake, I tell you.
The‐the baby goat had a rotten home life and..
...used to like to hang around with me.
I gave him a lot of positive ego re‐inforcement.
So, you've been behind bars before.
Yeah, we‐well, on‐on Mypos.
Their cell don't have bars.
‐ No bars? ‐ No, no.
On Mypos, when they put you in jail
they make you stand in front of the court house
and they draw a circle around you.
What keeps you from escaping?
It's against the law.
Here's your blankets.
Thanks, but I doubt we'll need them.
We'll be gettin' out of here soon.
Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up.
The last reporter Judge Gideon put here in jail
for not revealing his sources is still here.
‐ He is? ‐ How long ago was that?
Oh, let's see, he was here when I got here.
And I've been here, let's see, uh...three years.
Goodnight.
Three years?
Balki, I don't think I can do three years.
Yes, you can, cousin.
There's a lot of strength
in that compact little body.
We could be here for years.
Our whole world could be this cold, damp cell.
No sunshine.
No fresh air.
No place to plug in my Waterpik.
I'll talk! I'll talk! Guar..
Calm down. You just calm down.
Are you going to be calm?
Balki, I'm not going to make it.
Come on, cousin, have you forgotten what you said?
What did I say? Was it something good?
Well, of course it was good.
Yeah, you‐you said that...
...that we were in here because we are protecting Waldo
and the constitution and freedom of the press.
Yeah. Balki, I say a lot of things.
‐ Who am I kidding? ‐ Me mostly.
I don't have what it takes to become a reporter.
‐ Cousin, don't say that. ‐ It's too hard.
I don't have the strength to defend the constitution.
‐ That's not true. ‐ Oh, yes, it is.
‐ No, it isn't. ‐ Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
I don't have the strength to stand up for anything.
Well, then sit down.
I can do that.
Now, look, cousin, people like you
have always defended the constitution.
Who do you think Nathan Hale was?
Paul Revere?
John Paul Jones and Ringo?
They were just regular people like you
until they were called upon to do something heroic
like defend the constitution.
And they had it tough
because they didn't even have a constitution yet.
I wish I had your faith in me.
I wish I was like those heroes.
‐ But I'm not. ‐ Oh, come on.
I'm weak.
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
Draw upon the strength of your forefathers.
I can't.
♪ Oh beautiful ♪
♪ For spacious skies ♪
♪ For amber waves of grain.. ♪
Maybe I should stop thinking about myself.
♪ For the purple mountains'.. ♪
I should think of those who've gone before
and those who'll come after..
...and all those who never made it this far.
♪ America ♪
♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪
♪ And crown thy good ♪
♪ With brotherhood ♪
♪ From sea ♪
♪ To ♪
♪ Shining sea ♪
Balki...I can do the hard time.
‐ Get in there. ‐ Alright.
Alright, hold it right here.
Another couple of playmates for you, guys.
Oh, my Lord.
You push me again, and you're a dead man.
Don't hit him, Dutch.
He'll make your hands swell up again.
Hi, I'm Balki Bartokomous
and this is my cousin Larry Appleton.
And now that we have four
later we can play password.
Scram.
Oh, that's a tough one.
Cousin, we're gonna have to practice.
These guys are good.
Excuse me, uh, guard, uh, can I talk for‐for just a moment?
I‐I‐I think there's been a mistake.
Uh, we're white‐collar criminals
and these two are clearly mad dog killers.
I don't wanna be snob about this
but shouldn't we be in separate cells?
Oh, of course, I'll get on it right away.
And while I'm at it, I'll warm up your Jacuzzi.
Ooh!
Hey, what are you two guys, some kind of snitches?
Oh, no, no, no, no, we're not snitches.
In‐infact, we're in here for not snitching.
Yeah, we're defending the constitution
the freedom of the press and the right to arm bears.
You say one more word and I'm gonna reach down your throat
and pull out an organ.
Okay.
[instrumental music]
Earthquake! Quick!
Stand in a doorway! Oh, God!
It's not an earthquake.
Listen, I'm just shivering from the cold.
That goon over there took my blanket.
Oh, well, cousin, here, here, here. Take mine.
Are‐are you sure?
Well, sure, I'm sure.
Cold don't bother sheepherders.
Cold and rain, now, that bothers us.
You ever smell a sheep
after it's been out in the rain a couple of days?
Whoa.
You sure you don't need your blanket?
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Cousin, are you going to let them get away with this?
Well, yes. That was my plan.
Well, uh, look, I'm going to have a word with Dutch.
I think that he's just going through a bad time in his life
and he needs someone to reach out to.
Uh, excuse me, I just wanted to point out
that you have all the blankets
and we're freezing our buttocks off.
Jake, I'm gonna kill this one, okay?
Okay.
No, no, no! Don't‐don't mind him. Don't mind him.
He's‐he's just sleepwalking. Sleepwalking.
‐ Balki, wake up. ‐ Ow!
‐ Balki, wake up, wake up. ‐ What are you doing?
There, he's awake now. He's awake now, everything's fine.
Everybody go back to sleep.
I hate to wake up in the middle of the night
without beating somebody up.
You know something, I think this cell's getting too crowded.
Let's throw these guys out.
Hey, we'd love to leave but the cell door's locked.
No problem.
We'll just push you through the bars like toothpaste.
What are you doing to my Cousin Larry?
[groaning]
Alright. Stop horsing around.
Well, it's about time.
Judge Gideon found out what the power of the press means.
Let's go, Balki.
Not you two. You two.
Your mother posted bail.
Well, I'm not sorry to see them go
but I do.. I do have one regret.
What's that?
Now we'll never be able to see
if our heads would fit in between these bars.
[harmonica music]
Balki, I had no idea you could play the harmonica so well.
[music continues]
I think it's someone down the hall.
Morning, fellas.
I got a message for you from Judge Gideon.
Yeah, well, I think I know what it is.
Yeah, he wants us to reveal our source.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Well, I got a message for him.
Yeah.
You tell that judge that
Larry Appleton is a serious journalist.
Yeah.
And even if I have to spend the rest of my life in this cell
I'll never reveal the identity of Sore Throat.
Yeah.
You mean Waldo Gillings?
Yep. You know?
Everybody knows.
When Gillings you two guys went to jail for him
he came forward and decided to testify against his boss.
Now, you're free to go.
Hey, cousin, cousin, did you hear that?
Yeah, we're free to go.
No, what‐what, did you hear what you said?
Yeah, we're free to go.
Cousin, cousin, try to focus.
You said that you were a serious journalist.
Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Yeah you did and you're right too.
You do have what it takes to make a great journalist.
‐ You think so? ‐ I know so, cousin.
When you do time with someone you get to know them.
Thanks, Balki.
I don't think I could have done it without you.
We make a great team, don't we?
Yeah. We do. Well, we showed them, huh?
We can take any time they can dish out.
Yeah.
We can stay here forever if we have to.
Are you guys coming, or you want to stay here?
[instrumental music]
[theme music]